The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Live in Seattle!

Episode Date: January 4, 2024

Tres horny boys arrive in our plane of existence just in time for a convention! But something is amiss and a rogue billionaire threatens to destroy not just one world, but many. Can the heroes gather enough capital for useful battle merch? Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

I think I got, hello. No, no, no, Justin. No, Justin was first to go. Yeah, let it rip. I'm starting it. No, I like this, please. Hello, and welcome to the Adventure Zone. Dad, you're not...

Hey, welcome to the Adventure Zone. Thank you so much for being here. Today we'll be doing an extended universe adventure of the Adventure Zone Balance, our first... The rough draft of our podcast. As everyone calls it, we started. We didn't know what we were doing. Yeah.

And it just kept getting better. Don't laugh. I'm really just realizing, gosh, I hope everybody has heard that or else this particular one might be a little bit hard to follow. Nah, you'll have a great. Who here has never listened to the Adventure Zone before? More than I would have thought. More than I expected. More than I would have liked.

And how many of those people, if you were one of those people, is here on a date? What is that? That's so weird. Yeah. It's so weird to do that. I just wanted to put even more pressure on us. Yeah, no kidding. So weird.

Hey, do you all want to get started and then we'll introduce our characters in Media Rest? Sure. Fantastic. In a cosmos, far beyond the stars. The 12 planes of existence that make up our reality move along their preordained paths. Elemental realms shaped into perfect discs

revolve around a center point, the prime material plane, where most of our story has taken place. These planes feed it with the energies that sustain it in a perfect practice dance, or at least it was until one of the planes has begun to misbehave. It goes by many names,

the plane of thought, of ingenuity, of cunning. Regardless of titles right now, it is a plane out of step with the rest. Dark, emerald clouds drift across its surface, illuminated by flashes of brilliant yellow light, and all of a sudden, one flash disrupts the same. silence of this scene, a bolt arcs across the expanse, connecting the prime material plane and the plane of thought with explosive momentary force and in that exact moment. In the sky far above a city,

much larger and technologically advanced than any our heroes have seen before the clouds part, and Taco Merle and Magnus Plummet, dressed in their nightwear, torn from their beds in one world and tossed screaming toward their doom in another. What do you do? Also, who are you? I land on my juicy butt for padding. Okay, I'm about to roll a lot of dice. No. What do I do? I'm falling.

I don't have magic. Why am I talking? I was going to say, bold for you to go first. Yeah, I mean. Who are you? Me? Yeah. Oh, I'm Taco.

From TV. Yeah. And I have a, oh, wait. I was pulling out. my bed at night. I don't have any of my... None of you have any of your gear. Yeah. In fact, while you introduce yourself, I would love to know what you have on you based on your bedtime sort of routine.

Well, I'm a shetty. Yeah. I've got my mini auto gyrocopter that I always sleep with. Yeah. That kept his penguin umbrella. It's sleep aid. I have my life-size body pillow. of my wayfoo.

That's what I don't think how you pronounce that. No, I don't think it is either. Do you all know that these jokers, and by these jokers, I mean, everyone that works at our company other than me, shot down, life-size body pillows of us as a merchandise item? What a bad. I didn't. Not of our characters, mind you. No, just of Justin Griffin and Travis. Just us.

So I voted against it because I was not included in the merchandising idea. Okay, Clint, why don't you introduce your character? Justin didn't tell us what he does. I'm thinking about it. Yeah, yeah. Standing before you is falling, plummeting towards the surface of a city far more technologically advanced. Falling past your vision very rapidly. Is Merle High Church?

Perhaps not the same Merle High Church that you all remember. this is a Merle High Church who's had a change in his life. He has adopted a more reflective, contemplative stance. Yeah, this sort of born-again Christian vibe that you're going to be bringing

is definitely... Yeah, I think my big complaint about Merle after this point was too active. Yeah. Too accomplished. Did too much stuff. The old Merle would have gotten quite angry at remarks like that.

Yeah, sure. The new Merle, the story. Let's run like water off his back. Travis. I'm Magnus Burnside. Yes. Thank you. I aim for an awning.

Anything big, a net, a big thing. Oh, okay. Anything I see that might break my fault. Okay, Magnus, we'll say, Magnus, you were teleported into this city a little bit sooner than the others. In my jammy armor. You're in your jammy armor. I'm going to say that it doesn't provide much in the way of AC. No, it's still flannel.

It's just exactly the same. Okay, cool, cool, cool. That's got lots of AC. Aw, cute. Aw, cute. All right, fun. Yeah, sure, I got you. Make.

And my teddy bear, Magnus Jr. Sorry, I don't feel like I should be confusing, Dad, about the rules of 5E. AC is still armor class. I don't want you to. Oh. There's no way Dad knew what ACs came for in the first. Dad's armor class is 18. Yeah, that's pretty good.

How is Merle's armor class 18? Okay, why don't you make, I'm going to say, a pretty high dexterity saving throw as you aim to land on an awning? Why don't you actually give me an investigation check of the city you're falling towards below or perception check to try to find a nice soft surface? What's better? None of them. Oh, boy. Oh boy, okay That is a 13 investigation.

Doesn't matter. They're both plus zero. No, you all are falling towards a pretty open city street with not a lot of awnings. There's a hot dog cart with an umbrella that is pretty big. And so that seems to be the best sort of case scenario for you. I cast enlarge on the buns. Now, hold on. No one else talk.

No one else talk but Justin. Yes. Yes. Say that sentence again with maybe a little bit more specificity. As taco. As to the buns. I cast in large on the hot dog buns. Okay.

Oh. Damn. I thought we were looking at a bounce thing there. I thought I was looking out of getting out of leg day for a while. I just, I have the rules open to try and find the, the descriptions of these spells. And I, in my excitement, just typed D&D 5E buns. I have it here in front of me, if you'd like.

I'm a professional now. Yes, please. And I played enough Baldur's Gate to finally understand the rules of D&D. Yeah. Okay. Now, okay. Are you hung up on the part where it says the target size doubles in all dimensions? Now I will say this.

If you cast it on all the buns. That's what I was saying. the pile of buns as a singular object. Okay, cool, cool, cool. All right, yeah, okay. Yeah. Justin has done you a favor here, Travis. I'm going to say,

instead of being a very, very high dexterity saving throw with disadvantage, it's just a regular dexterity saving throw. And wait, is he going for my buns? The big pile of buns, yeah. If it works, I'll catch you. No, it's my big pile of buns. Well, it's, hey, as friends, can it be our big pile of buns? I need a, that's a 15.

Dexterity saving throw plus 318. Okay, yeah. On an 18, you smashed down into a giant pile of hot dog buns that were sitting on a picnic table that you... I'm sorry, say picnic again? Picnic table that you do shatter underneath the weight of your body. You also, there's a hot dog vendor standing at the table going, what's happening with my buns? And then a man falls through them and he's like, whoa, he just takes off running. He's very scared.

That's a scary thing to have happened. So Magnus, you don't take any damage. These are big pillowy buns. Taco, however, I will say that your gambit for landing safely has been thoroughly destroyed by Magnus. I made it so clear to you, to everyone, that it was my pile of buns. Yeah, better think of another plan and fast.

I just use a second level spell slot. Can I catch him? Yeah, catch me. Like in Princess Bride. Wait, you may not have to. Okay. Okay. fall.

Merle looks down and sees a store on this street near the hot dog vendor. Yeah. And it has a leafy green plant on the front of it, like a green sign. It looks very interesting. So he figures... Are you telling me that Merle

would not recognize a marijuana leaf on site? This is not his plane. Okay. Marijuana is marijuana everywhere you go, Clinton. So Merle casts plant growth. Okay. Hoping that a nice big cushion of...

Yeah, sure. A nice cushion? Cushion. He said, acting like he meant to do that. Yeah, right. Okay, so with this, you can... They become thick and overgrown. A creature moving through the area must spend four feet of movement for every one foot it moves.

Okay. We have been playing for about 15 minutes and we've already had juicy buns and overgrown bush. Yeah, sure. Okay, so are both of you aiming? Merle, let's say this. Merle, if this is the direction you want to go on your journey, I am going to make you make a dexterity saving throw, too. But this is a relatively soft place that you've created for yourself to go into.

And as he falls, he points to Taco and says, Cushin! Like, yeah. That is a... Six. No, no. What's your dexterity save, though? Plus zero.

Okay. So you are going to take, wow, some falling damage. I haven't rolled actual dice in a while. This is fun. I just rolled eight three times in a row. After a seven, so that's 31 points of bludgeoning damage. You take, you say, you say taco, cushion, It stops you a little bit, but then you hit sidewalk.

You hit asphalt. Well, this is as Pan wished. Okay. Pretty fucked up, Pan. Taco, what do you do? Fall on Merle. Okay, great. I assume when he said cushion, I just thought.

He was talking about himself. It's himself. Okay. Make a dexterity saving throw with advantage. If you get over a 20, neither of you will be hurt. Wait. Over a 20? I'm going to say you landed elsewhere.

You did not land directly underneath that. Yeah, right the fuck. We're out. Go ahead. Yeah, that's a 17. Plus decks. Well, wait, with advantage. Or a, oh, 18 plus 321.

All right. With a 21, you are, the plants seem to come to life around you. For some reason, not Merle. Just grabbing you tenderly and you just very gently. sat down right on top of Merle's Man Bun. And it's so soft and nice for you. Merle, you don't take any damage, maybe psychic damage of a sort.

And all three of you have landed on the street. You are now standing in this massive, massive city. It is a city that would put Goldcliff to shame. Massive skyline of skyscrapers, the tallest buildings you've ever seen. There's a monorail zipping through this city of... How's the weather? How's the weather?

It's right now pretty nice and chill, about nice 61. I mean, do you want me to open up? Is it kind of always raining a little bit? It's always kind of raining a little bit. There's a beautiful spire stretching towards the clouds. Montreal, baby, here we come. A spire stretching towards the clouds that looks as if someone put a jaunty hat on top of the Eiffel Tower.

Your senses are Some kind of sky syringe Your senses are overwhelmed The smell of fish and other marine commerce You see giant red letters Reading Pubic Market Center No Not quite that

You misread it That was Merle Not me You all are taking in all these senses You're overwhelmed and then you see Perhaps even the strangest thing of all all around you are people that are dressed exactly like you. Not in the you all are fashion trendsetters way.

You see without a doubt people dressed as Merle Magnus and Taco and Lucretias and loops and berries and Davenport's and Boyce. I'm going to guess, Griffin, from my personal experience, that it's not an equal amount of each. That maybe, just maybe, there's some more maybe taco and loops than everyone else. It's fine. That is a fair assessment. The bitterness in that. Even though they might be, let's say, the most expensive ones to cosplay. Yeah.

It's fine. Here is the problem, though, with Comic-Conn's in Seattle, if I may. It's really hard if you're- Wait, it's in Seattle? No, please. The Comic-Conn's in Seattle, it's really hard to be me there because you can never tell if an elf with an umbrella is taco or just a prepared regular elf.

Prepare for a day at Seattle. It's tough to tell. You see all of these people congregating around and filing into a large building sporting signs that read Tuscorp presents StoryCon 2023. Ah, so it's some kind of heist. Did you guys see that...

Did you guys see the food when we landed? Hot Dog, it was called. Gross. You know who would get a kick out of that? It was my friend. Hot Dog. the warlock. We've always teased him about his name

for all this time, but they have food here named hot dog. Isn't that weird? You... A guy on the street says, what is this joke? I don't think that's a reference. So my name's Taco. Hi, Taco. Yeah, sure. And I didn't know

it was... Okay. What's your name? Sport? Says, I'm Merle. Hi, Church, bro. Clearly. Okay. It's like looking in a mirror. This dude is huge. He is just like Peck's...

Is he bigger? Way bit. Peck's blast just shredded. And you couldn't do Magnus? So an exact duplicate of Merle. This guy, his cosplay is actually, I would say, a step above most of the folks you see here. It looks like a lot of people here,

not to be judgy, but a lot of the folks that you see looking around looks like they're wearing the, like, Magnus, Taco, and Merle costumes from Spirit Halloween. This guy, he really went for it. That would just be like, large, stupid fighter man. Hey, this guy looks like spitting image if Merle, again, something about the triglycerides that I don't know what that means. If Merle was huge and jacked in Buck.

Hey, have you ever tried glycerites? So you know about me, us? Yeah, bro, we all do. You don't know? Who brought you? Are you here on a date or something, bro? Yeah, my boyfriend's got a weird taste. Me, I'm more of a sports guy.

Hell yeah, man, go hucks. Okay. That is a deep cut reverence to a thing none of you were there for earlier today where Justin referred to the Seahawks as the hugs. No. I don't know why Griffin did a callback to a thing. No.

I actually got confused about what the actual real name of the thing was. I saw a stadium. I pointed to it, and I had no idea. idea and I said that's where the hucks play and Griffin said they mean the Seahawks and it was so close to it I was like wow I guess I knew that on some level amazing I am so proud you all look at the huskies play near there so maybe I just

confabulated the two yeah perhaps he says listen my grandpa gets like super confused sometimes and I see that same look on your guys's faces right now and so do you all need some help or because you seem awfully discombobulated. And if I'm being totally honest, a little half-dressed. You're doing a sort of deconstruction of these beloved characters if they were in their sleepy time wear, and it's confusing to me.

We're balance-bounding. Okay. It's more about the spirit of the characters than getting it exactly no perfect, you know? Okay. I want to look around and find the best magnus. Okay. Make a investigation check. I'm not good at that.

See, because my name was Taco. Yeah. Yeah, so it's hot dog. The idea that there would be other food wizards. Oh, I get it now. That didn't know about the food in this reality. I got a 14. I get it now, man.

That's good shit. A 14? And his friend Poki. Over there. Yeah, you see a young man, probably about 15 years old, you would say, he's wearing Magnus cosplay. It is impressive in the sort of armor department, maybe not as impressive in the bulk department.

Okay. And he is also walking into this building towards StoryCon 2020. Does he have a rail splitter? He does, yes. Hey, give me that. What? Did you say to me? Give me the axe.

Nerd? Magnus is a huge bully who's just never had a chance. Wow. Make an intimidation check. Okay. Weird heel turn here from Magnus. That's a 9 plus 8, 17. Sorry about the nerd thing.

I've noticed on edge. I was in the middle of a really cool dream. This kid is like, no, it's too late to dial it back, man. Own it. Okay, can I have the axe, please? Or else. He hands it to you.

This is, I mean, it's toilet paper roll, largely comprised of it, but a lot of work went into it. I sign it and hand it back. Oh. Okay. What's your name, son? Magnus Burnside.

Why did you just sign my thing? No, I actually am. Do you want me to sign one of your things? Yeah. Okay. We don't have anything. What do you have? Sign my peck.

He signs your peck. Magnus Burnsides. Cool, man. What are we doing? Now they're best friends. It's fucking stupid, man. Not very Magnus. of you.

Neither is... I'm going in this building to have the time of my fucking life at StoryCon. Get out of my way. Hey, can you tell us a bit about StoryCon? What's the deal here? Brody stands there like, I'm a way nicer NPC.

Are you sure you don't... No, I was... That was to Brody. Okay. I don't want to talk to that kid anymore. I do memorize his face for later, though. Yeah, he memorizes your face, too. It's the same face.

It's not the same face, Glenn. He's dressed as me. He doesn't... You don't know how far he went with his cross-blood. This kid rolled an intimidation check against you. He got a 15. I got a 17. Okay, he's still kind of intimidating, though.

It's binary. Okay, I guess so. He files into the building. Brody says, you're kidding, right? It's story, you know, story and song. The big wave thing that came over when the hunger attacked. Yeah. You all were alive for...

You're not, like, taught... This was like a few years ago. So, like, you were there. Okay. Cool. So this is like a festival for them. Again, my grandpa, again, talks like this a lot of the time. I got to go to the bathroom.

Okay. It used to, he says, it used to be about more sort of pop culture stuff. Okay, I'll do a little bit more sort of plot development with the other two. It used to be about more sort of pop culture stuff until touch. Cork took it over. That dude's just fucking crazy about the story. Tusk Corp? Yeah, Tuskorp.

Kielan Tusk, you guys know. Doesn't ring any bells. Is he important? I mean, he's like the richest dude ever. Not what I asked. Okay. No, I mean, he's kind of a tool. But, yeah, I mean, he really runs a lot of the city.

Now, if you look around, you see these, just a fleet of lawnmower-sized hovering drones. Robots? Floating around. Yeah. And they all have emblems on their hull in bright, yellow, and black that reads Tusk Forcers. They're all floating around, keeping the peace, just sort of shepherding folks around. I'm back from the bathroom, having cast the disguise self on myself. Okay.

What do you look at? I'm now in the, like, full pedals to the metal era taco with the racing garb and stuff. No perfect hair makeup all on point. He says, whoa, you look. look way better, dude. Yeah, and changed, yeah, but I show out. You're like spitting image. Like, I would swear you're the real taco.

No, thanks. It's, yeah, I get that a lot. Um, as you come back from the bathroom, you notice that there is something kind of weird happening. Whoa. Damn, look out, Brennan Lee Mulligan. Things are getting stranger and stranger.

That same Emerald Strait. Storm that was in the sky that you fell from moments ago, take shape again, a bolt of light arcs down, touching down just a few yards in front of you, and a fissure in the fabric of space opens up. Oh, not like, okay. A fissure. A fissure opens up.

Travis, roll a D-10 for me. Can a fissure be walking, like a fissure cosplayer be walking past at that moment? Absolutely. A little fun gag. An eight. More of a visual gag. Eight. Okay.

A solid, crooked wall of blistering white light shoots from this hole. And then suddenly you just start hearing choral chanting in like a hundred voices. There's lots of Latin. There's lots of, there's lots of like, Spiritus, Dominus, like a lot of, in ex-Chelcies, deo. So, but it's layered, right? So it would be like all four of us trying to do Latin together to same time. So it would be more like,

there is. And what from the, From me. Me say day. There's one voice. Jesus called. From the fissure, there comes a bell. What looks like a giant bell, 15 feet high made of human faces, all singing.

What the hell? This bell sports one giant vertical eye and more wings than you could count all pointing in different directions. Count a lot of wings. It's a biblically accurate angel. Yes. And it is not here to help you play baseball.

It looks like it's here to destroy Seattle. It can do two things. It might, if it has time, help you play baseball later. It would be nice if I had one figure in my life. life would teach me baseball. Some people just can't be taught. Numerals funny.

I like numeral a lot. Fellows. I think this is my wheelhouse. That's another sports term. I'll explain it to you after the wheelhouse. Hold on. I'm going to read a book to see what the farthest plane away is because if this guy's about to try to barter with an actual angel.

Make an arcana check. I guess all of you could if you want to. Don't waste your time. I don't. Yep. Merle, I would also allow a religion check. 14 plus 11, 25. Oh, yeah. This is a biblically accurate angel.

No, wait. Was it a religion or arcana? Either one, I would allow. Let's go with arcana. Yeah. This is from the plane of light, one of the planes of existence in your planer verse.

This is not one that I think a lot of people spend a lot of time on, mostly because what you're saying is kind of upsetting, if I'm being honest. It's a bell made of human faces with a lot of wings. It's not the weirdest thing we've seen, though. It's fucking up there, man. How big is it?

How big? About 15 feet. You said that. So like a small one. Maybe, I don't know. Does it seem to be stopped? Is it just kind of chilling? Or does it seem to be going somewhere?

It's coming out of this chasm. You see... At us? Okay, it shoots a beam of light out of one of its many mouths, and it hits a Prius, which explodes. That's fine. Domitus! I pick up the door

I pick up the door of the Prius as a shield Okay Yeah, I'll allow it And That's all you fucking had man Don't act like you had another step in that plan And I slam into it You're doing a shield slam attack

Into the eye Make an attack roll with an improvised weapon here Let's let's roll a D20, let's see Let's see how you do 19 Oh wow And I quit on a 19. Holy shit.

So improvised weapon. Yeah, it's like a probably 1D8. That's what I do for my damage. Yes. Roll a 1D8 plus your strength modifier. Four plus five, nine. Okay. And then it's twice, right?

Yep. Yep. So it would be 8.13. Okay. 13 total? Yes. You don't double the model. Yes, yes.

On a 13 total damage, you bash in the face that shot the beam out that exploded the Prius. And it says, that's for planet Earth. Now I don't know that. Make a dexterity saving throw. Okay. 15 total. 15 total.

Okay. Pretty good. Eight more faces on this bell, fire beams of light in your direction. You jump out of the way of the sort of main black of the beam, but you are thrown backwards into a second Prius by the force of the explosion. I look down the line, how many more Priuses are there?

A lot. Oh, no. As many as I need. And you take nine points of bludgeoning damage as you're thrown backwards against this car. As that happens, a handful, like a half dozen, of these Tuskforcer drones, zip down and launch a salvo of very small,

small rockets at this biblically accurate angel, and it explodes. And one of them floats over to you and says, thank you for your assistance, and we will take it from here. It was kind of 50-50. No. I had it. You saw that, right?

It was not even. Oh, no way. I have a ton of hit points. I had it. You saw that, right? Are you asking me, Griffin, or the Tuskforcer the unfeeling artificial intelligence robot. That's not going to remember this. Hey, Griffin? Yeah.

Magnus up till now, what has his experience with robots been like? One of them was Noel, you piece of shit. Make a performance check. Make a performance check against this robot. Just to see how impressed it is with you. It was a crit one, Griffin. Asked and answered. Okay.

On a crit one, here's what I do. This thing, you see a red light, lights up on it, A horizontal beam of light scans you up and down, zips down, and you hear it say, error. Error. And then it flies up into the sky and flies away, away from the other droids. We should go.

Brody says, look, you guys look like maybe you've had some issues with your cosplay. I have a supplier that would be able to... Like drugs? No, not drugs. You were cool? My supplier for drugs is that weed store right there. And he points over this weed store,

and the weed has fucking exploded through the roof and the windows. And the guy outside is like, this is great. And off, like my building's all fucked up, but this is great. I have so much of it now. Woo-hoo! You're welcome, Seattle! He said, you... He said, what do you mean?

You're welcome. Well, they're welcome to all the... I grew it. What are you talking about? I grew it. But I fed it hot dogs last night and it grew 100 sizes. This was clearly me.

How good a person make plants grow super fast? That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. If it starts asking to eat your dentist, you've got a problem, Mr. Ron, okay? It's not your friend. Fame isn't worth it. I forgive you for your doubting me. No, he can do magic.

I don't know why he's being weird. Are you cool? No, not mad. Have you not gotten it yet? Brody says, cares, man. Lots of people could do magic now. Show me. Wait, what? I can't. My cousin can do magic. What kind of magic can't do magic in your cousin do?

I don't know. It's a fireball? No. Wait, wait. Is it math a magic? Wait. It's not math. I mean, lots of people... Wait, no stop. Listen, lots of shit has gotten weird since the hunger attack. Some people can do magic now. It's not a big deal. What would be... What would be Taco's understanding of this plane right now? He's connected with it before... Okay, yeah. I won't make you roll in this. I will say this. I will say this. I need to know, he should know that things like it would be, he knows that there wasn't magic then, but he would know that Waukeen developed some sort of abilities.

That's true. There is an earthling. There is precedent for them. Right. But have I made, he has made, I need to know that he has made the connection between, like, Joaquin's reality and this reality. He currently finds himself. Make a, wait. Are you asking Griffin if your character made the connection?

Make a, yeah, this happens in D.D. sometimes, Travis, the people ask the DM if the character could do something. Make a history check, Justin. Please. You realize how thin the rails are, right? If you start digging too deep in that hole, eventually we'll just walk out. Okay. 11 plus, that was my Wendy's D20. Oh, man, has bad vibes.

11 plus, what is it, history? Five, 16. Okay, yeah, on a 16, you would know that after the hunger attacked a lot of the sort of barriers separating the planes of existence became a lot sort of thinner, both sort of metaphysically and, you know, mentally. Like, people here on Earth did not know about all this shit until the hunger attack. Now they do. So, yeah, some people can do magic now.

People are still kind of getting their footing. This is a world that is in a state of change right now. Hey, Brody was it? Yeah. Are there weapons and armor inside? Yeah, bro, it's story con. I mean, okay, look, they say not to bro. Bring real weapons in.

Wink. Magnus rushes in. Okay, great. Merlin Taco? Yeah, I'll follow along. Okay. Merle? Yes, of course.

I must protect my friends. Okay. He leads you... Is it like a peyote thing? He leads, yeah. He leads you into the convention center, but he breaks from the crowd as it goes up a row of escalators. Instead, he takes you through.

through a Sabaro in the Grand Foyier, nods at the cashier who nods back, and he leads the three of you into the back room of the Sparrow, down a set of stairs into a swampy, garlicky room, where reams of fabric dangle from the ceiling down to the floor where they pool together to form just a large, untidy pile,

and sort of nestled in this pile of fabrics is a woman who is sitting, and she is inexplicably wearing a large orange cat suit. And she's smoking a long, long cigarette thing on one of those cigarette wands. Oh, so cool. She says, who have you brought me, Brody?

More amateurs by the look of them? No, we're the genuine article. The genuine article. Let me take a look at you. She takes a look at you. I am unconvinced. You look like three old men wearing pajamas. Wait, I flex harder.

Make a performance check. Okay. Would it be strength check? I'm not acting. I'm flexing. I'll allow a strength check on this. Thank you. Yes.

Or athletics, athletics. Yeah, even better. That is a critical 20th. No way. Yes, it is. She goes, Magnus Burnstides? Yep.

Then these two, they're the real Murrell-Ey church and Taco. Taco, yes. Murrow, still figuring that one out. It might be shrooms. He does seem like he is incorporating a sort of wildly different energy from... Your jibes. It's almost like he couldn't remember his character for previous. It does seem exactly like this energy.

And who are you, might I ask? Me? Who am I? Yeah. I am Garfield. Nice, okay. I am Garfield, the cat, from Jim Davis cartoon. Yeah.

Is that allowed at StoryCon? Is there a lot of Garfield? Well, you think it's peculiar to find Cartoon Cat at Garfield from Jim Davis at StoryCon? Before Killon Tusk and Tusk or purchased it up, snatched it up, StoryCon used to be about much more than this story ends song. Story and song. I saw a bunch of birds. Yeah, go get the relics.

Get all the relics. Don't forget the relics. I'll have an egg McGuffin, please. Am I right? Hey, so, Griffin, I'm relieved to know that you hear this voice in your head two 24 hours a day whenever you're running the game. What are you doing here? Do you need cosplay?

No, I need armor. and weapons. Oh. A big giant, real, biblically accurate angels just showed up. Strange, not the strangest thing to have popped up

in the streets of the Aical. Yeah, not the weirdest thing we've seen either. But I would like to kill the next one without robot interference. AI is stealing our jobs. Oh, for sure. I mean, not my job.

My job is inscrutable and wild. True. Yeah. It's like garlic-infused costumes, I guess. Well, I deal in all of the, you know, the big pop culture properties, a lot of the actual play sort of shows. People are crazy about the cosplay for them. Wait, there's... What is this?

Actual play shows? Yes, you know. Like mazes and mommies, you know? Never heard of it. Vital character. Don't know it. Buddy's at the counter, no? No?

Exploration LLC. No. Another D&D podcast. Oh, I know that one. The Escapade area hosted by the McLemores, you know them? Okay, you're going to take me a few levels deep on how that occurred. Griffin, I don't... The Escapade area hosted by the McLemores.

Clont. Yeah, thanks a lot. Clant and Tarmus. And Justin and... Barf Jr.? And Greg, the sexy one. Okay, listen, I can get you armor and weapons.

Obviously, if you three are the genuine article, you will help greatly to face the existential threat we face here in this plane. How much money do you have? Oh, we're in jammies. So you do not have a lot of... money is what we're saying? No, none right now. Oh, gosh. I got a lot of

cryptocurrency. No. That's the money I keep in my grave. That's where it belongs. It's safe there. Great. Cryptocurrency. Oh, that's pretty good. I can offer sweat equity. Sweat equity? Yes.

Do you have much in the way of sartorial arts? No, but as heavy as you're smoking, you're going to need a healer real soon. This is a fake. I know, so am I. Sorry, if we did want to pursue that route, Clint, it would reach a really wild territory of the fact that you three are doing any, the fact that you, Merle High Church, are doing anything other than going on a whistle stop tour of the hospitals of the world.

Now, is hugely unethically problematic. He could cure like five people and then have to sleep so long and then cure five. Even then it's like, oh, you have cancer, right? So what's that? 40 hit points? Like in gear seven of that. Listen.

I have a place to be in like an hour. If you can bring me money here within the hour. How much money? As much as you can get your hands on. However much you bring to me, I will give you gear commensurate to the funds I collect. Okay. Go. Go get money.

I don't know what you. You need me to tell you after. It seemed like there was more. I mean, go get a job at the fine. in the park place market, go throw a fish. I don't know. I can make money doing that? Go get the job with Billy Gates and Microsoft.

I don't know. Go get a job. God damn. You're so cool. Thank you. I'm Garfield Cat from Jim Davis cartoon. What do you want to do? Hmm. Okay.

Go ahead, Merle. Merle goes out. Yep. On the way out through the Sabarros. Okay. he grabs a salad bowl. Okay. That'll be $6.

The Samarro employee says. Do you want salad? No, I just want the bowl. I still have to charge you $6 for the bowl. The big beefy guy behind me? Yeah. He'll pay. Okay.

Thanks. And he runs out in the street. Hey, the guy said you'd give me $6 for the bowl. Yep. Okay. Bang. Wait. I need $6 for the bowl.

Yep. Please. Nope. I'm going to... A Tuskforcer bot floats into the Sparrow. Is there a problem here? Yeah, this guy won't give me $6. I smash the bot.

Oh, no, Travis, come on. Make an attack roll. I didn't do it. Magnus did it. Make an attack roll against the Tuskforcer bot. That's an 11 plus 11, 22. 11 plus 11, you're unarmed. Yeah, my unarmed strike is plus 11.

Okay, yeah, I mean, that is a hit. Roll damage against the Tuskforcerbot. Two plus five, seven damage. Okay, that's actually, it's halved against this construct. Why are you doing this? I don't know, man. Why is this robot giving me a lip? How is this going to give us money?

I sell the robot. Make a constitution saving throw, Magnus. This thing, a little nozzle, comes out of its hull right at the front of it, and it sprays a sort of white mist in your face. 19. 19? Okay. You are not instantly knocked unconscious by this funky gas that the bot sprays in your face. And it says, wow, that usually works.

The Sparrow employee goes down. Okay, listen, one hit usually also destroys things. Hey, how about this? we both walk away. Are you going to tell anyone about the Smarrow employee that I incapacitated? No, man.

It's my first day. You, hey, I'm new here too. I punched out of anger, that's on me. You sprayed. He knocked him out. Yes. And not me. Okay.

We'll keep it between us. Okay, cool. Deal? Yeah, I guess so. You're cool, aren't you? Yeah, I'm cool. You cool? Yeah.

Okay. For sure. Both walk away, same time. Okay. It floats away. You are now alone in the Sparrow. I will say this, Magnus, there's like 50 bucks in the Sparrow tip. Hey, listen, I'm a level 15 fighter, level two rogue.

I'm going to rob that cash. Wait, now, hold on. I need to know. I need to know that Magnus Burnside's defender of the week is at a, and is now going to rip off the till at a sparrow. Justin, Sparrow is a, Giant corporation. It's a huge corporation.

Whose ass are they going to take it out on? You know it is. It's the employee. They're going to make it back. He might be dead. Magnus. Roll a dexterity check. You're going to add your, as you pick the lock to the cash register,

you're going to add your proficiency bonus and your decks modifier to this. Okay. Let's see what you do. 13 plus 6 plus 3. Yes, absolutely. Easy. easily. This thing pops open with the slightest graze

of your finger. You find inside of it there's $250 in this till. Just paper? Yeah, paper money. Is this money? Brody's, brody, at that exact moment, Brody walks out from the back room and he's like, what did you, what the fuck happened in here, bro?

No, no, no, no, no. Is this money? Yeah, that's money. Did you kill this guy? No. I punch your robot. The robot sprayed. some white shit. The robot immediately zips back into the room. You said you were cool. Make a Constitution saving throw.

I was just like. Make a Constitution. You said you'd never tell. You said you never tell and then you told right away. You fucking narked out on the robot. Roll a Constitution saving throw. Uh, trying to drip my claw. It was an 18 total, 9 plus 9.

18 total. Yes. That is fine. Brody rolled a four. Brody goes, what did you? Lands right on top of the spiral. Robo.

I was going to say it was a different robot than you. Oh, for real. Yeah, man. Give me a deception check. I was going to. It's not a lot. No, you're looking at a deception check. I need to know.

Wait, does this robot have a sense of himself outside the other robots? Yeah, this one does. You picked the wrong guy of two. A 20. Oh, okay, bro. Sorry. No, I'm sorry, man.

A little arm runs out to, like, give you, like, a high-fi. Okay, you dab it, okay. And do you rip it off? I was going to say. Okay, cool. Yeah, it floats away, and Magnus, you're $250. You're shaking it so hard. You can let my head go now.

I pick Brody's Pocket. You pick whose Brody's Pocket? What the hell? I have to. It's for the greater good. Make a slight of hand check. The robots clearly have it under control. I don't even know what the stress is.

13 plus 3, 16. Okay, well, I'm going to make a perception check. With disadvantage, he's knocked out. Oh, you're right. No, I'm not going to make any fucking checks at all. Okay, yeah, I mean, he has, let's see, he's got like $30. He's got a bus pass on him. I actually feel bad.

I slip an extra 10 into his pocket. Okay, so you're down to $240 now. Are you going to buy the salad bowl that Merle? Not now? Okay, cool. In fact, I just go back down and chill with Garville. Sure, yeah. Magnus is done with the adventure.

Your Magnus made $240. Merle, you now have a salad bowl. What do you do? Merle sets the bowl down in the middle of the crowded street. There are people filing by, walking by. A lot of tourists, a lot of people taking pictures, a lot of people going after fish. Yeah.

I'm so confused. Wait, you can't just say all this stuff is happening. Especially the phrase going after fish. What's that mean? Like fissure. Like bounty hunting? In Seattle, everybody loves fish. Yeah, no.

They're not going after that. All right, okay. All right, so what are you doing, though? Putting the bowl down on the street and saying to everyone, will heal for cash. Okay. Healing? Yeah, for sure.

I don't care what it is. And where do you do this? Where do you set up when you are doing this? I'm standing on a street corner. Okay, like near the convention center? Are you... Yeah, right near... Right in front of the convention center.

Great. I don't care how minor the ailment. If it's a rash, broken bone, whatever it is you got. So this whole time the problem has been, Taco and Magnus have not been paying Merle. Oh, so delightful. The, the, it is indescribable the kind of birth that people are giving you on this street corner as they walk.

No, make a, God, what is, I don't, charisma. Make a performance. How about if I mask your wound? That's cool, sure, yeah. I'm going to just do a mass cure wounds and then leave it up to the generosity of all of the fine conventioneer. When Merle cast a healing spell does actual dust shoot out of his hands just creak! Oh, that is so ready. Okay, you choose up to six creatures in a 30-foot radius.

We'll say there's about six people walking by you as you cast this spell. and they immediately gain hit points equal to 3D8 plus your spell casting ability modifier. I'll say that the size of the number you roll is going to affect the effectiveness of this spell. It'll be fun to hear Griffin describe how hit points manifest. It's weird to think about you're walking around right now. Where's your hit points at?

Like, I haven't done any battles, but I don't know if I'm at a 42 necessarily. Are we talking physical or mental hit points? Roll it, Merle. Yeah, we were stalling for you. That's a six. Wait, no, wait. What was he supposed to roll?

Three, eight-sided dice. Isn't that an eight-sided dice? Yeah, but you need to do it six times. That's a ten-sided dice. From there's ten sides. The nine is a dead giveaway for future reference. There, okay. How many?

Six? Three. Okay, there's a three. There's an eight. Okay. There's a two. Thirteen. So 13 plus your.

Spell casting ability modifier, we'll say that's like a six or seven at this point. Yeah, I mean, there's six people on the street who immediately just go, ah. There was one guy. I'm not hung over anymore. Yeah, you see one dude who is just kind of scruffy looking wearing a big sort of white t-shirt, and he has clearly had a rough night. He goes, whoa, man. Thanks.

Bro, that feels great. And he holds out the bowl and says, you're welcome, my friend. Cool, free bowl. he says, and he reaches over and takes the bowl from you. Wow, healing and a bull. This is the coolest day of my whole life. Well, why don't you demonstrate to me how cool it is by giving me some cool hard cash? Wait.

Except it's cold, hard cash. Yeah, that's not what they say. So wait, this whole thing was a heal for money situation? No, you don't have to pay if you don't have a source. soul. Okay. If you're a selfish, self-centered one. Can I talk you for a second?

You're hitting on some televangelist stuff right now. Oh, should I lean into it? Give me a persuasion check. Friend, let me tell you. Give me a persuasion check, Merle. I will persuade the hell and demons out of you. Woo! Is that right?

Yeah, that's great. That's a nine plus something else. Persuasion. Persuasion. That's a 10. That's a 10. All right. On a 10, he says, here's five bucks.

Here's an Arby's gift card that may or may not have anything left on it. Do you have a monorail pass? Yeah, I do. Thanks. Okay. Yeah, I guess I can walk. comb, he says, and he puts that in the bowl, too. And I need the bowl back, too.

Yeah, of course, yeah. It would be wild if I held onto the bowl. All right, what about you other five people I healed? Let's hear it. Come on. They fucking laughed, man. They do not. They do not.

As soon as they saw the grift you were running on this other dude with a 10 persuasion roll, they're like, let's get out of here while he seems to be distracted with this one dude. I knew I should have had chick tracks. I should have handed those out. Yes. So you've made $5, a monorail pass, and a Arby's gift card that may or may not still have any credit left on it.

Okay. Taco? I'm going to, well, I was going to do some signings. But I don't know how I could convince people that I'm the genuine article. Well, we would figure it out. You'd find an empty table, bud. We would figure it out by telling a story together through the lens of Dungeons and Dragons. Okay.

Okay. Yeah, let's try that. I'm going to go in and say... The first time. Yeah, we'll take it from the top. Okay. I'm going to head in and try to get, do some tabling, you know? Yeah, sure.

I'll put up a sign on the table that says, like, signatures and magic lessons at Taco School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Okay. As you are doing that, someone with a clipboard... Virtual canvas. And a headset walks up to you and says, uh, excuse me. What do you do? What are you doing? What's your name?

I cast Gift of Gab. Gift of Gab? Yeah. What's that? You skillfully reshape the memories of listeners in your immediate area so that each create your choice within five feet of you forgets everything you said within the last six seconds. So I just want to prepare that. It's the save scumming.

Right, yeah. Okay. What are you doing here? What are you doing? Yeah, I'm Taco and I know it's a big get to have me. don't. You're like a taco cosplayer?

No, I'm the actual taco. Don't piss your pants. And I'm just going to do some, I'm in for the night, and then I got to fly out to Omaha for another show, but I thought I'd stop in and do some signatures for you

for a reasonable fee. Okay. You can form the line to the left or the right. I am am by dextrous. Make a persuasion check, please. It's a 16 plus nothing, actually. Wow, really?

Yeah, weird, right? They say, okay, so you're the real taco. That's fun. That's fun. So, and you want, I mean, I guess no one has the table booked from one to two. Okay, I guess if you want to do some signings here and magic lessons, you said, can you handle sort of sales and merch and stuff on your own? Do you need to help from the con on that? No, actually, do you have anybody?

Right next to that table is Travis. Macroy signing stuff, but there's no one in his line. So he's like, I could help if you need somebody. I'm pretty. Taurus, Torgas McClmore from the... Tarvis McElmore from the endangerment area. I forget what I said.

I thought it was the expedition area. No, something along those lines. Yeah, he says, uh... Yeah, I can help you. Dead on. Tarvis wasn't? It's like listening in a mirror. I will say, on the opposite side of

Utako, there is a decent size line. Kevin Sorbo is doing exciting right next door. And it says from Hercules and God's not dead. Kevin Sorbo.

And tragically the fourth season of the O.C. Kevin Sorbo. Damn. Oh, that one still hurts. That one sucks. Yeah, that's so. God.

What's he dressed like? Fucking Kevin Sorbo. Bo Man. Leather jacket? Feels like a leather jacket moment, doesn't it? He is wearing a leather jacket. Yeah, he is wearing a polo shirt with too many buttons unbuttoned.

And he looks leathery. He is... Okay. I mean, but he's not like threatening me physically? He is by default, kind of physically threatening you. And I'm going to say mentally threatening. Okay. Hey, everybody.

Don't waste your time with that big. It's the real taco. He, uh... From TV. He laughs and says, uh, yeah, and I'm the real Hercules, Kevin Sorbo.

And the people cheer, which sucks. Sucks to hear. I am... The person with the clipboard comes back over and is like, hey, actually, please don't do that. Usually there's not sort of an ongoing competition between the people in the signing alley here.

I'm going to cast I'm going to cast Modify Memory on Kevin Sorbo but I'm going to cast it as an eighth level spell and make him and make him forget that Hercules existed Gosh, you'll only have And Dramida to fall back on.

And God's not dead. And God's not dead one and two. And I assume a lot of Citizens United movies. Certainly there's got to be a role that I make for that, yeah? Yeah, I mean there's a wisdom, wisdom. Okay, not his strong. I'm going to say this is a minus five to this roll.

Do you have a character sheet for Kevin Sorbo over there? Yeah, it's just a piece of paper with a big zero on it. Okay, he rolled a five minus five, which is a zero. Okay. So you see, he is signing someone's just like portrait of Hercules, and he's signing it, and you see him mid-stroke just stop. And have a stroke. Just full, like, who is this?

He picks up the picture and shows it to the person. Who is this? This looks like me, but it's not me. I don't dress like a strong man. I dress like a space guy. I want to make sure, I'm going to do an Arcana check. I want to make sure he's forgotten all of it. Yeah, roll in Arcana check.

19. His nose is bleeding. Okay, good. You get the distinct impression that maybe he's forgotten a lot of stuff. Now, I have spell shaping. I'm not sure that that... You do? Take away his mouth.

No, no, this is good. Just him forgetting Hercules ever existed should be enough for me. Including, wait, sorry, Justin. Including, like, from mythology? Yeah. Yeah. And that funny part for Nutty Professor. Yeah.

And the Disney animated, and the Disney animated future film. You see that by removing this brick from the Jenga Tower that is Kevin Sorbo's psyche, other pieces begin to fall down. All of a sudden, Kevin Sorbo can't remember where he was from the years of like 1996 to 2000. And he immediately stands up and holds his head and start to, screaming as loud as he possibly...

Does he feel disappointed? No, because in order to do that joke, he would have to know about Hercules. Wait, he's forgotten how to feel disappointed. Yeah. He runs out of the booth absolutely screaming. And everyone else that was in his line goes, I don't know, there's this other guy right here. We may as well...

I'm going to assist. Okay. Clunt McLemore was in that line. That sucks for Clunt. Your son is right. next to you. Exactly. So wait. What you've decided to do,

if I may, you took your in-fiction character, Clump McElmore, and said, I'm going to align him with Kevin Sorbo's belief system. You could have done anything. And you said, oh, Clum McElroy not only agrees with Kevin Sorbo, but agrees to a point

where he would pay for his signature in the sight of his own son, Tarvis McLevel. Yeah, Clunt McClermore was there ironically. The money still spends, Clunt. He gets out of the line and he says, hey, let's check out this Taco guy and see what he's got. Do you mean Taco from the story and song? Someone yells at you angry, Clunt?

Wait, a great question. Why is Kevin Sorbo there? What's his association with story and song? He's just trying to draft off the sort of fantasy vibes that everybody was putting down. Okay, everybody, step right up. It's going to be 20 for an autograph, 30 for a magic lesson, and 50 to get your picture taken on the bina corn. Clunt gives him 50 bucks. All right, good.

Thank you. Okay, yeah. I guess if we can do that. Yeah, sexy Greg from the endangerment, the impairment area comes over and gives you 100 bucks. It says, I love your stuff, man. Right. Tarvis McElroy embezzles. Tarvis McElroy and Bezels, the usual then.

You make... It was one top. You make $200, Taco. I did a lot more than the other ones. I'd like more money, please. I ruined a minimum wage employee's life. I claimed $150 from my own family. Like, certainly more people.

Kevin Sorbo runs up to you and says, I don't know why, but I feel compelled to give you $100 more. It's a good start, Kevin. It's a good start. Let's leave with that. You make $300 total. You all...

$300. All, okay. Travis gave me 50, dad gave me 100, Kevin Sorbo gave me 100. That's 250. No one else was interested. Fine. You, you, okay. I just want more than they made. You made. Sexy Greg McClamore gives you $300. You have $600 total. Okay. Is that enough for you to feel good tonight when you get in bed? Okay, Tacos looking very cocksure and he casts enlarge on the money. Like, now I have twice as much. What? No. Okay, as you walk up... I'm a child. You see a person

pointed out and say, that won't work anymore. He didn't do that. He's not a child. Okay, fine. You all regroup. Hey, Taco, we can agree we're not going to like divvy this up, right?

Each person earned their own amount. I'll spot anybody that needs a few extra dollars with the juice. You regroup outside with Brody and Garfield, the cat from Jim Davis cartoon. And the scene out of here is, utter pandemonium. There are more tears in the fabric of reality that have opened. It's full sort of ghostbusters chaos outside. You see floating Tuskforcer drones just zooming around

frantically trying to neutralize the horrors coming out of these gaps in reality. Garfield has this enormous satchel. She collects your money and she opens it up. She says, okay, so Magnus, I know you are probably hurting without your flaming sword of burning poison toxic. Nailed it. I do not have any of those, but I do have, and she reaches in and pulls out

a chainsaw that is attached to just a large backpack container filled with brown liquid, and she pulls the cord of the chainsaw and flames shoot out of a nozzle underneath the chain. Hey, can I just say?

Fucking better. Yeah, well, I'm loving this. She says, don't point it at anyone, You don't want to be killed instantly. She says, Taco, there's something you've been missing,

something you sacrificed in this final confrontation against the darkness. I was inspired to replace it while watching Fat Boy Slim. Headline our local music festival. I present to you, she reaches into her bag, and she says,

The Bambra Shoe. It is an umbrella etched with arcane runes, just like the kind you used to have before you snapped it over your knee to free your twin sister loop at the end of story and song. She says it doesn't eat the magic power of your fallen foes,

but it'll get the job done. Honestly, it made it hard to rest real easy around it, so that's actually kind of a plus for me. Okay. I was afraid I'd squeeze it wrong and get sucked right the hell in. And, um, Merle, how much did you bring? Um, well, there's a monorail pass. Uh, I can't, I cast distort value on the monorail pass.

Oh, okay. To make it, you do what? Yeah. I have this 500-year monorail pass. That's got to be worth something. A 500-year monorail pass? Yeah. Uh, she takes it.

Uh, she takes the $5. She just kind of crumples it up and puts it in her pocket. She says, I was going to give you some garbage. But for a 500-year monorail place, she reaches into her bag and she pulls out a conch shell that is etched in Eldridge ruins, and she hands it to you. She says, this is the conch of contouring. One more time.

The conch of contouring. She says, any sea creature who hears the sound of this conk being blown will come to the aid of the one who blew it. Blue what? The sea creature comes to the aid of the one who blew it. Well, wouldn't you? That's how it worked in shape of water, remember? She says, enough, that's gross.

That is a beautiful film. That is beautiful film, and you made it gross with your gross words and actions. She says, listen to me. Wait. Yes? There's a bowl. Thank you. I mean...

I'll put it in the trash can for you. You finished your Sabaro pasta and you want me to put it in the garbage, yes? Okay, all right. She puts it in the garbage. I'll be happy with the conk. She says, listen, the membrane between our worlds,

it is weakening. It is if someone has used powerful technology to pierce a hole in that barrier, like some sort of pokey thing that pokes through space. Like a rocket?

No. Not like a syringe. Almost like a syringe, yes. Hmm. Like a syringe for space. Huh. Hmm. What would you call that?

A cosmo shot. Like some sort of needle for space. An ether soletto. Like a sort of. Space Needle. Oh shit, we have one of those. What?

She points to the Space Needle, which stands high above everything else on the horizon of the skyline of Seattle. And sure enough, this storm seems to be focused directly overhead. It's quite a distance away. And Brody says, oh, that's no problem. I'll just get my cousin to take us.

And a truck pulls up to the curb in front of you and a shutter on the side. of the truck rolls open. And a young man inside is wearing an apron that says South Beach tacos. And he says,

he says, hey, Brody, did you say you needed a... Holy fucking shit! What the fuck? We'll be right back. This is Lori Kilmartin. And I'm Jackie Kachin. And we have a podcast

called The Jackie and Laurie Show on Max Fun, and it's very exciting. Because what do we talk about? Comedy. Stand-up comedy. We both do stand-of-comedy and have since the dawn of Christ. Well, Jackie, is that offensive? It is offensive to me because you've aged me. We started in the late 80s, and we're still here. You can't kill us.

So go to the Jackie and Laurie Show on Max Fun and listen to that. The Jackie and Laurie Show. New episodes Monday. Pull me on Maximum Fun.org. The following are real reenactments. a pretend emergency calls. There are plenty of podcasts on the hunt for justice, but only one podcast has the courage to take on the silly crimes. Judge John Hodgman, the only true crime podcast that won't leave you feeling sad and bad and scared for once.

Only on maximum fun.org. Thank you all so much for coming. We're going to do a couple announcements before we get started with the second half, just so we can, you know, finish and then walk off the stage like a bunch of fucking rock stars. Seriously, thank you all so much for coming. Thank you to the WAMU Theater for having us. This is wild. Janelle Monet was here yesterday, and that feels...

You don't think Janelle Monet worried about the angle of the table? No, I don't think Janelle Monay worried so much about the angle of the table. So thank you for having us. Thank you to Paul and Amanda and Rachel for all their help. Thank you to Karma the Night Owl, who designed our poster, which you still probably find out there. It's very cute. It's AC is like 18 easily.

Yes. Is that artist conception? No, it's all cute. Dang it. You all are in the food truck of South Beach tacos being driven by Joaquin Terraro, savior of humankind on the day of story

and song. He is a few years older than when you last song. It's been a few years since the day of story and song. We all are. We all are. Time has been hard for. all of us.

Yeah, tell me about it. Okay, so this one you said, this one's chorizo? Yeah, that one's chorizo. We've been over this. And this shrimp? No, that's still chorizo. Why are you so bad? Why are you str...

Which one's shrimp? We don't have shrimp. You don't have boiled shrimp or baked shrimp or coconut shrimp. That was him laughing at your incredible Forrest Gump, too. He says, listen, I'll be honest, taco cooking has been, I put it kind of in the background a little bit. I've been, you know,

I got a scholarship at University of Washington. Go, go huck, go hucks. And, you know, tacos and magic used to be my life, but that's not me anymore, you know? I guess I should ask earlier, but how old is this Teresa? Yeah, I mean, about a year old. But it's, we've kept it in the food safe zone.

Okay, good. I have a magic, I have a magic refrigerator. So there, and people here are getting some, a little bit of magic I'm hearing. Sorry? No, that's the cousin. Joaquin is the cousin who could do fireballs. Yes, I know. But people on earth are developing magic powers and I was asking him about that.

Yeah, some people can do magic. I like to think I was sort of the original, but, uh... Yeah, for sure. It's a little ghost to walk around. Can people swing axes? and swords. Yes. Anyone can swing

an axe or a sword. Anyone can hold an axe or a sword? Okay. Does anyone who love their fellow man and would do anything to advance them and make them happy

and keep them safe? Wait, hold on, good question. Does anyone on earth do that? There's like four or five of them. Yeah. Oh, yes, the macklemore's. I've heard such good things. I've never been sure if there's four or five of them either.

They keep marrying and making children. He drives you all to the base of the space needle. And though hell has sort of broken loose all throughout Seattle, things are relatively calm here, thanks to a sort of large fleet of enforcer mechs that are floating all around. As you all hop out, you look up at the space needle and you see past its peak,

something quite peculiar in the sky. You see home. You see a massive hole in the emerald storm above you. And through it, you see a landscape inverted. You see dangling upside down over Seattle, the city of Neverwinter, above you. Close enough to make out scrambling panicked people on its streets. just looking upwards in Seattle's direction, all just obviously scared as hell.

And you also see that there is an elevator in front of you up to the peak of the Space Needle that is... Oh, yeah, sorry, we love elevators. Yeah, thank you. It's been a while since we've done balance. I forgot that we're sort of elevator crazy. Don't say where.

This elevator is guarded... At no point in the show, did me or dad or just... make an elevator appear in balance. The elevator is guarded by a McForcer drone. He's an elevator pervert. I love them. They're like rooms that go up and down.

What do you do? I put a trap form in steeplechase. There's a column in the middle of the whole park that's just full of elevators and he'll never go over and look. Oh, man. I put it there from the beginning. Damn it. Once he sees how big and diverse these elevators are, this guy's gonna nut and he's not even been back there.

In graduation, the whole building moves up and down around one pillar. All right. What do you do? Just to please you, you know? What wouldn't I do to make you happy? I think is the question, Greg. Make a move in the live show we're performing in front of...

I get my brother Griffin a hug. I go in the elevator. Okay. I don't. A drone. Magnus is good outside. A drone is floating. Which one?

This is not actually a, this one looks different from the rest. This one actually is not floating. It is in a sort of large mech that is, it's like a walking tank. And it has its body positioned squarely in front of the doors into the elevator. And it says, please present identification Tusk Corp employees. I flex really hard. That's nothing. I do feel like I should roll to see if it's.

Sure, it's a DC30. performance check. Go ahead. That's a Nat 20. Brennan could do it. Okay, you know what happens? That red light lights up on the face of this mech and it scans you up and down

and says, error, error. Go right ahead, Magnus Burnside. Thank you. It looks at the other people assembled and says, identification, please. And Magnus terms back goes. Sorry, guys. I am his spiritual advisor?

Nope. Not true. Can I not assist him? I have pushed the highest button while these conversations are happening. You just walked onto the elevator and press the button on? Please wait, stop.

Hey, hold on, wait, stop. We were already, I thought we were in the elevator physically when they showed up. He's with me. It's fine. This giant me is standing in front. of the elevator doors. It has a loud magmus on it. I cast or deuce.

Is this the only spell you've prepared? No, he did enlarge. No, but I did prepare spells and I have a list and I'd like the robot to be smaller if I may. Okay. Thank you. Okay, it is smaller and it says Identification, please present

authentication. I kick it out of the way. I know one of them. One of them always tells the truth and one of them always lies. Make an unarmed attack roll against this small mech. Okay, perfect.

That's a two. Ow! No, I think you, you, let me see here, actually. No, yeah, you take four points of bludgeoning damage on your foot as you go to kick this small, but still heavy mechanical man,

and it hurts your foot quite badly. Please don't do that anymore. You've embarrassed yourself in front of your friends. Please present your identification. I'm going on. Okay, I step over it into the elevator. No, what? Hold on.

It shoots a little rocket at you that's just like, oh, no, it's so small. How heavy is he? I'd love to bring him along. He's too heavy to kick. You could probably pick him up. with some effort. Nah.

Please, Papa. Oh. Papa, please. Merle picks him up and puts you on his shoulder. Make a strength check. I press the door open button. His old body crudels.

The fucking elevator at this point is just going, no. I'm holding the door open button with the attitude of, come on. Come on. That's a six.

Okay. I let go of the door open button. Yeah, you see Merle go, come here, little guy. It falls down on top of Merle. Merle, you take six points of bludgeoning damage. Close, close, close, close. Magnus, the door closes, and Magnus is going up by himself.

I said that I jumped over it into the elevator. No, taco's in there. And I fell into it. No. You fell into it with the robot on top of you. All of you have made it onto the elevator. How much damage does it all take? Say it, Griffin.

No, you didn't solve my elevator puzzles. You simply did not. I won't give you credit for that. As yet, we're on it. The three of you, alongside Joaquin and Brody and Garfield, go up the elevator. This is so fun.

Yeah, it takes a little too long. It's a little uncomfortable halfway up. He's, I'm sorry, I hurt you, Papa. It's all right, Tweaky. Not you. You're my uncle at best. Okay. That's all right, little guy.

Guy Pye, what was your name? I don't have a name. Little Guy Pye, it is. Papa Tusk never gave you a man, oh, tell me, tell me more about him. Papa Tosk? Yeah. Well.

Does he have any glowing weak spots or anything, just in case? Just out of curiosity? Papa Tosk is very smart. He knows a lot about the plans, and he's got some big stuff in the works that's going to change everything.

When he says it, it sounds kind of sinister, actually. Hey, what's up? Magnus, can you hack this thing? Robot? Yeah. Are you a hacker? I smash it.

Make an attack roll. This thing has one hit point. 23. Yeah. Hacked. Okay. If you can turn off the restraints that keep me from helping.

you, that would be a muscle. I'd love to contribute to. Yeah, I fixed it. I meant to hack it. Yeah. Hacked it. You've killed the small robot. Congratulations.

You feeling good about your choices today, Magnus Burnside? Not me. Not me, Griffin. He starts to re-enlarge when it starts with his heart. And his big eyes, his guys just gets made him more adorable. Merlecast mend and heals him. This is a complete. views and gentlemen, the three of you

are taking me on? A little bit of good, got, bad cop. Yeah, for sure, but the cops keep changing also. Yeah, cops suck. Yeah, I guess so. Hey, that was cheap. Don't give that to know. Oh, great. As you...

As you... Reached. You don't always say... Wait, are you clunt? This is clunt. You're being a real client right now. Hey, guys, you didn't even let me say A-Cabre-Dab, bro.

It's right there. Ding! The door to the elevator opens. Oh, I thought we won! The door to the elevator opens. You all see. Kevin Sorboe. Kevin Sorbel.

Surrounded by cops. We're giving you a medal, Kevin. We're giving you a medal for Best Hero. We love you so much. The top observation deck of the Space Needle has opened like a flower bud. You are all standing on a large open disk, 500 feet off the ground. The space needle needle at the very center of this disk continues upwards into the sky another

hundred feet or so, and at the very base of it you see a man. He is wearing a suit, some very expensive sneakers, and he is just kind of tapping at mechanisms on this needle. Green light is firing upwards in waves from the spire up into the clouds toward never winter above, still dangling precariously upside down in the sky, heading in your direction, getting larger and closer by the minute. There are dozens of Tuskforcer drones floating all around, seemingly observing this process. And this man stands up, and he turns around and looks and says, wow, it's actually you guys.

I'm a huge fan. Taco Merle, Magnus. It is an honor. Wow. Did you see the convention that I threw in your honor? Yeah, very flattering. Thank you so much.

I'm Keelon Tusk. Yeah. Figured, yeah. Actually, really. Just stop everything you're doing. Sorry? When you all boo, it hurts us. Like, hey, can I just say?

I didn't take it personally. I did. He says, what do you, stop what? Oh, this? With the needle? You heard laugh you did, right?

Yeah, you hear it. It's not a cool guy hero laugh. No, it was not a cool guy hero laugh. No, I can't stop that. It's sort of doing itself at this point. I want to run an arcana check on it, see what I can piece together. Sure, make a roll for me.

please. I'm really good at this, by the way. Okay, let's see what you can do. Okay, I roll a five. Plus 11. I'm a level 17 wizard. I'm really good at known about matching. As Garfield, the cat, suggested this space needle has been sort of retrofitted

into a machine that has destroyed the barrier between the planes. Now, when you look up, you see the primaterial plane above you. It is crashing towards the plane of thought where you all are standing where the city of Seattle is based. They are flying towards each other, and this machine is the machine that is allowing that to happen.

He says, pretty cool, huh? I've been working on this for a while. Spend a few dozen billion dollars on it, because that seemed like the best way to spend that. Yeah. What's your goal? My goal? Yeah.

I mean, to better the plight of mankind, for starters. That's good. That's very good. This guy knows what I'm talking about. And who do you follow? What God is yours? Good question. Well, um...

Whoa. Have you heard the word of Pan today? Well, hey, Merle, can I talk to you for just a second? Yeah, oh, excuse us. A little aggressive. Hey, what are you going to fight suck? What's that? What are you going to fight Zuck?

You know, the Seattle Zucks. Make an insight check. With advantage. No, what? Because of Dad's good joke. No. 14 plus 6. 20.

He looks a little scared when you say that. Zuck sent me. Good one. He says, look. Zuck sent me, we'll fight. Zuck sent you, we'll fight, is what you're saying to him. Make a fucking lying check, please. A deception. It's not the truth.

Bucking Mark Zuckerberg didn't, what the fuck are you talking about, Travis? Roll the dice. Deception, you say? Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Seven. No.

He says, that's nothing. Listen, a few years ago, the story and song changed everything. You all changed our whole understanding of the cosmos, namely that there's this whole other world of fantasy and wonder that our world was just a sort of battery for, and that seemed shitty. So I built this machine to swap the places of our two planes, putting our world, and I guess, by extension, me, a little closer to the center of existence.

So we're almost done here, if you guys don't mind just hanging out for a minute. Wait, what happens to our plane? It'll do a switcheroo, no big deal. You say no big deal. A lot of screaming. Yeah, you look around. There's just like human bell faces and dinosaurs

with like walrus heads and like all kinds of just wild. shit trampling around the streets of Seattle. Oh yeah, that's weird. Keelon, was it? Yes. Could I have a moment in private with my friends? Sure, I mean, this only needs another couple minutes to wrap up, so...

Can I kill him? I don't think so. I think we should kill the machine first. What? Yeah. Why not? Both. Guys, I can hear all of this.

Okay, I punch him in the face. All right, roll for initiative, please. Four. Fucking Wendy's, man. I quit. 19. 19. Non-windies I had, well, that's a one.

17. 17. All right. We are in there. He looks at you as you approach him and he says, oh, that's disappointing. Well, I guess it's true what they say. You never meet your heroes. Before you reach him, a half dozen of these drones crash into Keylon and form around him a sort of armored suit.

and their helicopter rotors are at his back, lifting him off the ground, and he takes aim at your party with a battery of cannons. First in the order is Magnus Burnside's. What do you do? Hey, cool one? If you could like, whatever. Cool one being what are you talking about?

The Tusk drone who... Who you convinced not to narc you out? Okay. Yeah, you see one drone in the swarm that is like not in alignment with the other ones that looks really nervous. Like, I don't know what this guy is talking about. Yeah, this hear me out. Cool one. That's not me, right guys? Move out of the way, I'll take you to my world where we can make you like a whole suit where you'll be like a majestic robot who fights evil. Make a persuasion check as you convince this robot to.

By the way, this robot is looking at the one you just. smashed into pieces on the elevator. He got a 17 though. That's a 17 plus. Plus two and 19. Okay, on a 19, this one must be malfunctioning drone floats away from the others. And as he floats towards your party,

Keelon points at him. And several other drones get pulled away from the pack. Yeah, it makes a big opening that I hit with my train saw. Towards, what are you hitting? Wherever that opening happened where they flew away and left the gap in the armor. Oh, I see, I got you, okay. Make an attack roll against armored Kelon Musk.

Kelon Tusk, I mean. I don't know who the fuck the other guy is. What's that? Do I have advantage because of the guy? Are you sure? Yeah. Then it was the one. Travis?

I mean I asked. Okay, you fucking rev the flaming chainsaw? And I pissed my pants. I'll say this. It's so fucking crate, like the sound and fire that comes out of it scares you super bad. And instead of going in for an attack, you go,

no, no, no. You wave it around. The attack does not really happen. However, you do have... I get a second attack. Okay, cool. Now you know what to expect. Yeah, 17 plus 11, a 28.

Okay, yeah. So you are going to roll a D-12 for damage on this. Uh, and... Seven plus five, 12. 12, so it does 12 slashing damage. No, sorry, is it the same as the Flaming Raging Poisona of Doom? Uh, it doesn't do the bonus 50 fucking crazy damage at the other one. It's plus 20.

Plus 20, no, it doesn't do that. Only plus 10? No, it does 12 doubled. It does 12 slashing and 12 fire damage for 24 points of damage against Keelon Tusk. You get that right in the gap where these drones were pulled off to attack your new drone friend. You hear him yell and say, ow, that does hurt.

That does hurt a lot, though. Action surge. Oh, you have more of those then. Okay, ouch. 12 plus 11, 23. 23, yes. That's a crit 20. Okay, roll the D12 with the first attack.

Six plus five. Yeah, so 11. So 11 slashing at 11. Fucking, okay, wow, and 11 fire. And then for the crit, roll 2D12. Yeah.

Does it all coming back to you, Juice? What? You know, the way Travison Griffin would play. Another 14.

Another 14, so 28. We were in the game at one point. Yeah. Okay. I don't got magic, boys. I hit good.

Yeah. With that, Keelon Tusk says, oh, fuck, ow. No, for real, though,

fuck. Like, hold on, wait, wait, stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Stop, stop. Fuck, that hurts.

Like, I know Vistorian stuff, but fuck, wow. Shut it. Shut it off. He says, no, don't do that again, though. Ouch, fuck, wow.

Next in the order is Merle High Church. Merle is going to call lightning down. Uh-oh, okay. Describe, what is the spell you're doing? Call lightning? Yeah, that's a spell. Cool.

Where are you aiming this at? The controls of the machine. Okay. A bolt of lighting flashes down for the cloud to that point. Each creature within five feet of that point must make a dexterity saving throw. You'll probably get quite a few drones in this as well. So I'm going to make a deck save for the machine. Not going to be its strong suit.

Okay, no, I'm going to, no, there's no fucking way. from the cloud of drones that is a three. You're going to get quite a few drones on this. So that's 3D10 lightning damage. What do you say when it happened? Keep rolling. Oh, okay.

Why are you using a percentage dice? That can be a 10. There's 10 numbers on a percentage dice. So 70? 7. 7. 5. And 8.

Okay. So that's 27. Sorry, do that math again real quick? 20. 7, 5, and 8 is 20. Yes, you're right. 7, 5, and 8 is 20. I was a National Merit Scholar.

Oh, fuck off. Okay, you take out about a third of the drone swarm that had not formed into the armor with that attack. They just fall to the ground sizzling. The mechanism attached to the spire goes dark. The spire does not. I need a straight luck check from you.

Roll a D20 for me. You're looking for a higher than 10. This is for Dad. Oh, good. We went on 11 or higher. What did you get? One. Okay, on a one, the spire grows much brighter.

Oh, damn it. You watch as never winter above goes and comes down much, much, much closer to you. tallest buildings, the Neverwinter Keep at the top of Neverwinter City. Some of those spires at the top of that castle are now pretty close to the top of the Space Needle. And things are getting kind of weird on the ground of both areas. Gravity is starting to get very confused right now. You see so many Priuses and hot dog carts floating off the ground on your side and you see, I don't know, fantasy Priuses floating off the ground in Neverwinter.

But wait, Griffin, Huck's gameplay hasn't been interrupted, has it? No, the Hux down below are still playing a great game of football. They can't be stopped. Once the bloodlust has set in, they will never stop playing football until their enemies are... Wessel Rilsson is doing a great job. Right. In Denver. He's not there anymore.

Yeah, I know. Next in the order is Kilon Tusk. Keelon Tusk looks down at you, Magnus, and says, Hey, I'm really, really sorry about this. Okay. Six cannons come out of his chest and point in your direction. Make a dexterity saving throw for me. Okay.

Nine? No. Plus nine. Nine. No. Three. Twelve. Nine plus three?

Yeah. Okay. That is un-sixote. Twelve. That is unsuccessful. Thank you, Justin. Six searing hot, scorching rays come firing in your direction.

They blast you backwards. You're going to take 33 points of fire damage, and you are blasted backwards. You slide to a stop just at the edge of the disc that you all are standing on 500 feet above the ground, Next in the order is the drone swarm. I'm going to say everyone here is going to make a dexterity saving through. There we go.

Wow, they're all right. 19 plus... 16, 19. 3. 22. 22. Merle? 17. 17.

Wow. Good rolls from everyone except from Garfield. Garfield rolled at 10. Garfield is blast by another one of these. scorching rays. You see that the orange cat suit that she is wearing must be embedded with some sort of powerful, warding magic,

because the ray doesn't seem to destroy her, but she is also knocked backwards towards the edge of the disc. And next in the order is Taco. Taco, what do you do? All of a sudden, Kilon is what we're going with? Yeah. Okay.

I'll be honest with you. It was going to be Keylon, but then I said Keylon the first time, and then I felt too weird to change it. He in front of him sees the purple glowing visage of a seven-foot-tall Mark Zuckerberg dressed as a karate kid. And I've cast... Wait, sorry, dresses the karate kid? Yeah, I cast phantasmal killer on him.

And he's seeing his worst fear. Hey, fake, he's seeing his worst fear. an oiled up Zucker nerd ready to just pound him into dust. But not in a romantic way. Not in a romantic way at all. All right. Wisdom saving throw. For you?

Yeah, for Qon Tusk. If must, Tusk, yes. Seven. Seven is the number I rolled. That's not going to do much for you, friend. Okay. He is frightened. Yeah. Yeah. Good work, man. He's also going to need to take four.

D10 psychic damage. Oh shit, okay. Roll that 4D10 psychic damage please. Five, six, three, six. 20. All right. All right. I didn't know we were having a competing ADHD, y'all.

Okay, 20 points of psychic damage. Yeah, you see a phantasmal, you create a phantasmal seven-foot-high purple Zuckerberg who pops down in front. of him and Keelon says, not like this. And this, Mark Zuckerberg punches the drones, it doesn't affect them at all, but Keelon inside of this drone suit,

you see him just as he takes 20 points of psychic damage. Next in the order is Joaquin. Waukeen is gonna take a deep breath. He says, oh, let's see you. if I still got it. And he puts out the finger guns and also shoots out some scorching rays at a few of the drones.

And... He doesn't still have it. Tacos come out. No, I roll the one. And so he does shoot out rays, but the only one that he hits is the one that you hack. No!

And he says, yes, I got it. I went, oh no! Hockey! I'm so sorry! He says, I messed it up. I can't do this. It's cool, Waukeen.

He starts to trudge back to the elevator. You were great in the lobster. No, it's fine. That was a walking Phoenix joke that was in poor taste. Hey, you shouldn't be so hard on yourself. There's probably not a lot of cause for magical destruction over here in this realm. That's a good point. Everything must be going great without, like, evil kings and dragons and shit.

No, not really. You know, we have a hard time over here sometimes. Joaquin? Yeah. I want you to look up. Oh, this isn't good. Just, just, just, please. But it's not going to be like that.

Look up. See where my fingers pointing? He's going to point to something on your shirt. He looks up. He sees the citizens of Never Winter City, like, that sucks. I don't want to look at that. No, but you would fit right in with those magical users. Well, I'll point, maybe not the screaming people.

I have a family here. Will you indulge me, though? Yeah, sure. We just try it, and then he hands Joaquin the Umbrstaff. The Bumbershoot? Bumbershoot. Thank you. Okay, he says, all right, I'll try it again.

And he takes aim. He is going to try and shoot scorching rays again at the drones with the bumbershoot. This time he rolls a 19 on the guys. All he needed was somebody to believe in him. He fires a just thick, pulsating beam of fiery eyes. Wait, hold on.

Say it slower. He carves a swath. Say it slower, driven. Through the drunk swarm. A thick pulsating. Turgeon. Ropey. Fucking.

And it's, you know, it's a different. It's a different. A throbbing red. A throbbing red fucking pole of fire. You see drones explode left and right. The drone, however, that he did hit the first time, floats over to you, Magnus, and says, Did I a good drone? You did great, son.

Thank you. I'm going to die now. That's how it works. Daisy. days. Is Magnus up next? Yes, actually, next in the audience. Magnus holds his hand out, summoning the chance lance from Neverwinter.

Okay, okay. Now, wait a minute. No, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no. I think that the two cities of Seattle and Neverwinter are close enough now, that it takes a few seconds, but with, I think an arc of lightning follow. So I'm going to say make a, I think it comes in pretty hot and heavy because it's flying from one plane of existence. As he's running at Keylon. Okay, make a, here's what I'm saying. You need to make

an athletics check to catch this flying spear as it zooms from one plane of reality. That would be a 21 total. 21 total. Yeah, on a 21, you catch it. You rear back a bit from just the force of the chance lance, but you catch it, but good. As I'm jumping in the air, You hit Keylon Tusk. Okay, make an attack roll please. Hmm. With advantage, right? No, stop.

Fucking stop it. With advantage. Do you play Baldur's Gate? They don't just let you do advantage all the fucking time. Oh, it says right there. I have inspiration. From what? Yeah, so it will be a 26.

You get to attack two times. What did you roll on your first roll? One. Three times. You rolled a one on your first roll. Your first attack failed. Yeah. Second attack.

26. Yes, that is. going to hit. So, and this is your third attack? Yeah. Okay. One. It's either feast or famine.

The number of ones we have rolled between these two tables tonight is... This is a D&D official dice. Yeah, well, apparently stands for Duky and... Dukey. Okay, so that's one hit. So I believe that's a D-10, plus the normal sort of bonus.

This is a D-10, right? That's a D-100. Travis, I know you know how to play Dungeons and Dragons. That's 49. Okay, so four is what we're going to round that down. Now it's a five. Okay, we'll roll it to a five. Okay, now we're being serious.

Okay, that is a... You guys love Solly, right? Yeah. Okay, pretty cool. You have your chance, Lance now. You get one hit off on Keelon Tusk. It is a five plus what is your usual modifier on... Oh, you know what?

Griffin? Yeah. Are you going to tell me what your usual modifier is on an attack so that we... Yeah, it's plus five. Okay, so a 10 total. Okay. But. But.

It's going to be still attached to a line. Can I do a luck roll? That the chance lance is attached to a line? Yeah. Why would it be attached to a line? Because I last used it to spear a fish when I was back and never went there. If you roll a 20 on the dice, I will give you this. A 5% chance.

Oh, no! Dad, sorry about your wet dick. No. No, it's not attached to a line. Can we get a ride for our wet line? Yeah, I'm especially saying about your wet dog, please. Wet dad, it's your turn. I'm sorry, I was preparing a spell.

I love that. I gave you so much time. He's going to sum it up Delah Reese. Delores, the guardian of faith. Yes. Okay. Guardian of Faith is a spell that happens in Dungeons and Dragons sometimes. I'm looking up the rules because my dad's not going to tell them to me, apparently.

Nope. A large spectral guardian appears and hovers in the duration in an unoccupied space of your choice you can see within range. Okay, great. Are you plopping this Guardian of Faith down near Keelon Tusk or near the sort of drone swarm that is sort of floating around the disc? I'm going to cast her on top of the machine. On top of the machine, okay, interesting. Well, then this machine automatically fails

its dexterity saving throw. It takes another 20 radiant damage from this automatic failed save. And, yeah, you see, actually, the tip of this machine is sheared off and falls down onto the disc. Make another luxury. check for me.

17. Okay, yeah. On a 17, you see that the, this green glow that has sort of filled this spire has started to fade somewhat. And the momentum of Never Winter

Above You has begun to slow. And now there's just like weird debris stuck in the gravitational pull between the two worlds, but it's not sort of shrieking towards. Seattle in a death spiral anymore. Next in the order is, it is Kielan Tusk. Kielan Tusk is going to look at,

we're gonna say, you, Merle. And he says, actually he's gonna look at all of you. I'm looking at its hit points. They are not doing great. He says, okay, listen, clearly we got off the the wrong foot here. If you all will just be cool and let

me walk away and do this cool plan I'm doing, I will give each of you $1 billion. Is that that weird paper? Well, in my case, it's all sort of digital. Some of it is going to be

in the... Digital? Some of it is pictures of monkeys. Some of it. I have just sort of We get to see monkeys. Taco can make monkeys.

No, these are very valuable monkey pictures. How so? It would take too long to explain to you. No, explain it. Please let Justin play. What makes it valuable? Some of it's emeralds. I have lots of emeralds.

From your dad? From my dad. I have dad emeralds and monkey pictures worth a billion dollars. Stop. Think about this for real. Uh-huh. A billion dollars. And admirals.

Okay, you know what? I'd love to be in business with you, if I'm being honest. For real? Yeah, first. This is so huge for me, Taco. First, I think we've got to think about a rebrand. And then I cast Blade of Disaster, which cuts a big X in the machine. That's two melee spell attacks that have to be resisted.

Shit, man. You create a blizzard. Blade-shaped planar rift, about three feet long in an unoccupied space. Okay. All right, you make two melee spell attacks with the blade, each one against a creature, loose object, or structure.

So make two spell attacks against the spire. And I think he should have advantage. No, you can't just do that. No, no, why, Marl? Because of the timeliness of his joke. This is not, you guys keep coming up with the most bullshit. reasons for advantage to take place.

All right. So, it's because he's bigger than you. First is seven plus 11, 18. Yes, that hits. 15 plus 11, 26. Both of those are going to hit for

4D12 force damage each. Okay. Someone count for me. We got this. Thanks, Dad. No problem. You ready, Dad? Here we go, pal.

that's an 11 that's an 11 that's a 12 Jesus Christ hey but the last one's a 3 36 okay that's 1 7 so that's for the 37 11 11 11 11 11 12 3

11 11 12 3 okay now we're gonna go I'm gonna put you in a home Travis Travis my home okay now it's time for the next round of this that's a seven

that's an eight seven Jesus Christ four okay 26 all right okay okay

with that Keelon Tusk looks around he is pretty fucked up at this point his drone swarm has been depleted heavily I am the eldest boy if you don't let me do this

This is what is built in. This is all I know how to do. It's like from succession. Okay, go ahead, Griff. We'll edit that out. Don't worry. The space needle buckles. Shit, I'm sorry, y'all.

Still got Starbucks. It buckles, though, in a fun way, where all of you don't have that hard of a time sort of keeping your footing. Kilon in his suit made out of drones that are struggling to stay attached to them. He has a really hard time keeping hold

of the surface of the space needle as it tilts. And he slides and he's holding onto the edge now dangling over the city. And he says, okay, I've upped my offer to $2 billion each. That's so much earth money, guys. Can I get a quick wisdom check from you? That is a 14 total.

It's going to be 4D10 damage from the continuing rejection of Mark Zuckerberg. Sorry. I've been playing a lot of Baldur's game. Okay. The last thing. Five. Yeah.

Eight. Three seven. Five, eight. 23. 23. Okay. Uh, he makes this last minute plea. The last thing he sees is a phantasmal, giant Mark Zuckerberg.

Leans over him as he dangles off the edge of the crooked space needle. Um. And he says, you know what's cooler than $2 billion? Two trillion dollars. And he peels Kilon's fingers off the edge of the Space Needle, and he falls full on Hans diehard style down to the ground. After that happens, I say, Murrow, Taco, Grab on, and I activate my tarantial gauntlet so I can spider climb.

Okay. Where did you get that from? Yeah, where did that come from? I forgot about it until now. No, he wears his gauntlet when he goes to sleep at night. It's where I keep the key to my diary. Yeah. You start climbing up the spire back up toward Neverwinter, and as you get close, the gravity from your home world pulls you upwards,

back up toward Neverwinter. And Joaquin says, You're just going to leave without saying bye? We shouldn't do that because he has to clean up. Will you do me a favor and keep the bumbershoot? And every once in a while, got out of the backyard and take a few shots, you never know. Yeah, he says, I'll stay ready for the next time. That'll give us something to write another graphic novel about.

Yeah. And, you know, don't beat yourself up. You did a good job today. He says, thanks. You know, I did my best. It's all any of us could do. The portal begins to close. Merlecast, Plainer, ally.

What? Why? What the fuck is that? Merlecast Plainer ally. No, Merlecast Plainer ally. Back through the gap. You beseech an otherworldly entity for aid. A god, a primordial, a demon prince.

You reach out to Jesus Christ. Or some other being of cosmic power. Son of David. The creature appears in an unoccupied space within range. Hey guys, I'm back. It's time. I summon Clint McElroy, interplanar janitor. To help with the cleanup.

To help clean up? Clint McElroy, interplanar janitor appears at the top of the crooked space needle. He smiles in a kindly way and says, don't worry, everyone. I'll take it from here and gets out his mom. As he does that, the elevator doors slide open and outsteps Clunt McLemar. He steps out and says, well, time to check out the space needle.

Whoa! He slips and slides. You see him collide and touch Clint McRoy, interplanar janitor. A pitch black sphere of unreality begins to expand. from where the two people touch. Oh, no.

It begins to swallow the city of... But Griffin, we talked about this backstage. It begins to swallow the city of Seattle Hole. You promised. It expands further and further outward. No. Swallowing the plane of thought and earth. Dad, how could you?

Dad! Your actions! Oops. the end of everything and Washington and Earth are destroyed in a moment because of Dad's cameo and we all go to heaven

no no you are every living person you claim McRoy and Kevin Sorbo go to hell join us next time I don't know about everyone else but I know those two Join us next time as the Adventure Zone crew saves Seattle and Earth and the whole plane of existence and Clint McRoy and Kevin Sorbo from hell in the Adventure Zone Balance season two. Thank you all so much for coming. Goodbye. Maximum Fun

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