The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Presents: The Ballad of Bigfoot: An Amnesty Story

Episode Date: October 17, 2019

Travis takes the reins in this not-remotely-canonical prequel to our recently concluded Appalachian supernatural drama. This is the wildest live episode of any podcast we’ve ever done. We’re still not entirely sure what happened up there. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Just let it play through the whole song. You gotta let it play, baby, the whole song. No, oh, Paul. Oh, you start it. Hi. Do you guys wish Paul kept playing the song? Yes. Yeah.

Who's the most popular now, Paul? So we begin in Media Res. Oh, shit. I were just jumping in. We see a limousine hitting a bump and jumping into the air. The camera pans around to see each of our faces. In the driver's seat, we have...

That's a CM, MCCM. Those are just letters. Chaz Meisterberger. I'm a limo driver. Okay. In the passenger seat, we have... Yeah, that's you, Justin. My name's Stephanie McDuggins.

Okay. In the back seat, we have... Say it. Griffin McElroy. And they... setting next to Griffin Magroy is Bigfoot. Welcome to the Ballad of Bigfoot, a Taz Amnesty story. Now, we jump back slightly in time.

Can we talk first? Yes. Now you can talk. So we are playing a game system called, Oh, dang, Bigfoot stole my card with my friend's birthday president, and sigh. So this is taking place in the Taz Amnesty universe, but it is set in 1998.

Hence us. Just in case you thought a Target exploded. Yes. Oh, taking slings at Target. Yeah. Eat shit, Isaac, Ms. Rahe. It's 20 years ago. Target has a lot of great fashions

at affordable prices. I mean, you can't go wrong. I like their graphic teas. Thank you, Travis. I like the popcorn. Also, I've been a bit busy, so I didn't have a chance to make up some fancy schmancy character.

Hence I'm playing as myself. An 11-year-old. 11-year-old Griffin Macrobat. Yes, I was born in 1987, so... So all you internet perverts who've been wondering exactly how old Griffin is, now you know. Stay tuned for Act 2

when he will reveal his height and shoot size. How tall I... Everybody asks me how tall. And that's got to be a perversion of some sort, yes? No, it's fine. So I can squish you with my stinky toes. Everybody's guy.

It's not a performance. Ferdin, everybody's got their own thing. Hey, I'm sorry Griffin got off on the wrong foot. So do you guys want to tell us a little bit about your characters, or do you want to just to kind of establish them as we go? Let's set them up. Okay, now, first let's have Stephanie tell us a little bit about yourself. Wait, are you doing the fucking James Lipton shit where I'm supposed to talk in my character

voice because I hate that shit? No, that's just how it came out. You can talk as Justin. Okay, so Stephanie McDougans is 19 years old. old. She is a babysitter. In this specific evening, she's a babysitter to get one Griffin, Andrew McElroy. Oh, middle name. Now we've let the middle name slip. Yeah, there's a perversion for that too. Andy. And she is big on the true crime boards of Prodigy online. So she's deeply into that. It's kind of her thing. She was really into the craft, hence her her style.

And I don't know, that's the short version on Stephanie McDuggins. Nice. Now, MCCM, tell us a little bit about yourself. Chaz is a limo driver. He has been forced to work for, the only job he can get is driving for Poppet and Lock at limos. So he has to dress like this. Like an MTV, VJ.

Yeah, like a VJ. Yeah, and he hates every second of. of it and it's miserable in his job and it's just going to be a real downer this entire show. Cool. Fun. Fun choices all around. So we got a golf kid, someone who hates their life and Griffin. Hey. So Griffin, tell us a little bit about your literal self. Well, I was born in Huntington, West Virginia. Uh-huh. I didn't think through the fact that I'd be 11, but here we are, and this game, oh dang, Bigfoot stole my car

with my friend's birthday present inside. You have to pick, like, your style and your role to give some flavor to your characters, and I thought, 11 years old, you want this to be accurate, so the powers I chose were smooth and athlete. So here we are. So here I am. Here I am.

Okay. There I was. there you were. Thank you. I don't remember you drinking a lot of beer when you were 11. Then you weren't around enough. Yeah.

I had to put food on the table and clothes on your back. And beers in my mouth. Smooth. Okay. It's a crisp fall evening. It's September 1998. Around the country,

theaters of people are sitting down to enjoy the first rush hour movie. Hundreds of thousands of thousands of newly married couples are having their first dances to aerosmiths, I don't want to miss a thing. Our scene begins on a highway

through the woods of West Virginia. The headlights of a 1992 Cutless Sierra cut through the night. Stephanie is driving and Griffin is riding shotgun. So you were on your way from a birthday party or to a birthday party

from Huntington to Morgan Town. Yes. And you have taken so very many wrong turns. Yes, very clear. ended up in the Montengalia National Forest. Yes. Menongahela, you're doing your best, though.

It's not like we spent two years playing there. Why is Stephanie here, Justin? Because she had to drive Griffin's dumbass to the birthday party. He was pitching a fit about it. And she was hired by known janitor Clint McGrath. Popular janitor, popular embezzling janitor Clint McRoy. Hired her to watch their shitbag son, Griffin.

And drive him if I'm not. I'm not mistaken, like six hours across the state. Hours across the state to this birthday party, yes. Yes, correct. Okay. And can you tell us a little bit about the car, the 1992 Cutlass Sierra? It sucks shit. Justin and I owned one.

Yeah, Griffin and I had shared custody of the Cutlass Sierra that passed down. It was a great car, a lot of room, bought it off a barber named Frank Fascardo, who was going to use it to drive a ski trips, and he ended up not wanting to do that in this car. So it bought off him for $3,500. Now, is it, is it Stephanie's car? Well, technically it's owned by Justin McElroy in 1998. Okay, because you told me in your character sheet that it was owned by your brother. Yes.

Then Stephanie has borrowed it. Yes, my brother Dylan. Yes. And Griffin, why is Griffin on his way to this birthday party clear across the state? Well, I'm going to the birthday party of a friend in Morgantown who I met at sports camp. Uh-huh. And Because you already had

Smooth Camp I already finished Smooth Camp He tested out of Smooth Camp I was a counselor at Smooth Camp Anyway Gregory

supposedly is second cousins with Jonathan Taylor Thomas who is supposed to be at this party What a get A connection like that for me, could open so many doors.

Yeah. Now, if I'm remembering the timeline correctly, this Griffin, is he fresh off of his turn as Winthrop in Music Man? Or is this an alternate timeline where he was cool? Well, we're really going into the closet. In this timeline, this Griffin made it on the middle school basketball team one of the three times he tried out for. And in this timeline,

his dad was probably very proud of him. He made the 30 under 30 list on Sports Illustrated. Yeah, sure. Man, I could go all night. Let's hope so. This was a fucking bad idea. So, you're on your way. You are driving down the highway at night

with your brights on, of course, because there is nothing to be seen. You're in the middle of the woods. when suddenly you see in the distance, you know, visible but not too far away, a log has fallen a tree has fallen across the road. Oh, God damn it. Griffin, get out there and use your strength to hold that away for me. Use your incredible athletic prowess to drag that law at the goddamn road.

Yeah, I can do that. Sound more like young you. Yeah, I can do that. One problem is that if memory serves, this is Griffin speaking out of character, This car does not have traditional brakes. Yes. Yeah, they were a little bit touchy. But, yeah, I can use my tremendous strength

to move the big log. Now, as you get out of the car... I set down the two barbells that I've been lifting to get some last-minute gains to impress JTT. Now, as you get out of the car, as the car stopped, the doors open as you've stepped out to move the log, and you hear a voice behind you say, okay, now don't turn around.

I turn around. And you see Bigfoot standing behind you. I do karate on him. Okay. Then you're going to roll, Griffin. Okay. I'm going to say that this is reckless. Fuck yeah, it is.

So you are rolling, I'm going to say, hmm. I roll 1D6 just for trying it. This is athletic. Yeah, but you haven't established at this point that one of your... All athletic ability persists. I don't know about all that. That feels like a little O.P. me.

I can roll one if you want me to roll one. Yes. Because it's going to be... So I'm rolling something reckless. I want to roll over my number, which is a three. Yes.

Here we go, baby. Six. Okay. It's going to be a good show. Yeah. You do some excellent karate. And he does back away a little bit. Backs away because I'm the force of my fucking kicks.

Well, he wasn't right behind you. He did not turn around and chop him. You just did some really... Karate in the air? Yeah. So the sequence of it is I heard a voice saying, don't turn around, and I immediately turn around and just start, flat, sure.

Yes, but your form was impeccable, and he was like, okay, he definitely knows karate. He is changing his attack plan now, and he's gone to the door where Stephanie is and said, listen, I'm so sorry about this. What the? How big, yeah, it tracks. Well, my name is Barclay.

Barclay. Oh, he has a name. I, normally I wouldn't look like this, but, and I know that this isn't going to register with you, but I lost my bracelet. You lost your bracelet that keeps you in your human form, yeah. No, I read about it. I mean, that's been rumored for a long time. In the chat rooms? Yeah.

Okay. Yeah. Anyways. I don't normally fuck around with the crypto shit, but I mean, yeah, that's been the prevailing rumor. This is going so much easier than I would have thought. It only makes sense. I mean, you know this. I mean, I do, yes.

It only makes sense that the Bigfoot would be able to take some sort of human form and wander around our shops and what have you to buy Sundries. I do like sundries. What do you want? Well, I need your car. Fuck off, Bigfoot. Okay. This is my brother Dylan's car.

I kicked my ass. I'm sneaking up behind Bigfoot. You don't, hey, I keep. I keep eye contact with Barclay. You don't know the world of hell you're about to get a leashed on you. My young friend is a demon. And he is, I mean, he's a dirtbag.

Don't get me wrong, but he's also a master of many martial arts. Okay, Griffin, roll 1D6 for me real quick. For what? Just do it. That's a four. Damn it! Yeah, I sneak up behind him,

and I take a slap bracelet and slap it around his wrist. And I say, you're banished. I banished you. This is a great slap bracelet, but that is not how this works, and I don't have to do this, and you see him turn with his left hand,

and he has a gun. What? All right. Listen, this is a very extreme circumstance. I have to get back. I'm being chased by the National Forestry Service. I'm just saying if people knew Bigfoot had a gun, they would be less psyched to go hunt for him in the woods.

I know, right? I try not to broadcast it, because I'm usually a pretty chill, I was saying if I run in a big foot in the woods, they can probably outrun him. But now I have this range combat capabilities. I have a concealed carry permit. Where?

Well, normally I've got pants. In your pants, okay. Yes. Right now I don't have... I started doing karate away from it. So, um, thank you for this car. I will leave it in Kepler at Amnesty Lodge. You can collect it there.

So I'm going to tell my brother Dylan that Bigfoot stole his car. Yes. With your friend's birthday president's side. Wait. Oh, dang. I see the present wrapped up with the vaccine. I am terribly sorry about that,

but I do need to take the present with me, too, for reasons. What, Bigfoot? It's my birthday, too, and no one said shit. All right, Griffin, stand back. Popular janitor, Clint McRoehrie, kick my ass if you got shot by Bigfoot. That's... I look, I'd say,

No, this is Jock Griffin, Dad. You'd be very sad. Yeah, yeah. This is getting dark. I say, can't you like melt the engine or the keys or something with magic? I always thought that you could actually do magic and Griffin, as I've tried to explain to you on multiple occasions, the craft is a classic and a similar work of modern filmmaking,

but it is not a documentary. God. Bigfoot, take the car and please take Griffin with you. I can't do that. This is too dangerous. I'll give you $17, Bigfoot. Oh, but I don't have any pockets. I'll keep your secret.

Well, I assume you'll do that. Anyways, except to your brother Dylan. That's totally cool. I get it. Do you need me to sign something for him? A note from Bigfoot? Yeah. No, I'm good.

Thank you so much. Okay, so. Just go. Hi. Can you send back, can you call someone? Just let them know we're here, please? Yeah, you know what? If I don't get arrested by the National Forestry Service, totally will. Why would they arrest anyone? They're the National Forestry Service. They think that I am a gentleman in a suit terrorizing people.

Who ever heard of a crazy thing like that? And that's the last one of those we're going to do tonight. and Barclay gets in the car, drives around the log, takes off down the road. Well, why didn't we fucking think of that? That's a good, I know. I kicked the log, it goes flying. It actually shatters into swat. Roll for me, Griffin?

I'll let you roll 2D6 on this one. That's a 2 and a 1. That's going to be a major stub. Yeah, let me see here. If none of the dice succeed, it goes wrong. The GM. Tim says how. You stub your toe, but like, wicked bad.

Dang, you're savage. Yeah, you're upset about it. You're like, oh, no, and you cry. No, I don't. No, I don't, because I'm so smooth. So, roll again for me? Smooth people, can I just say? Smooth people can cry too.

Not on the night. They're meeting Jonathan Taylor Thomas. That's a six. Okay, because you got that one. You stub your toe and you start to fall down, but then as you fall down, you smoothly transition. sitting on the log, I'm thinking about it.

But because that was a mixed success and you only got one, you did get a tiny splinter in your butt. Unless my butt cheeks are so toned from karate. No splinter could find a way through this thick hide. So what are you guys going to do? Well, I guess, hmm. I mean, I can sprint like 20 miles an hour. That's impressive. I can't.

And I'm going to keep an eye on. You're dumbass. Um, I'm going to end up eating you, aren't I? Damn. Jump right to that. It's been five minutes. Yeah. No, we've talked about it.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Just sit out and shut up, Griffin. I mean, can I stand and keep practicing karate? What the fuck, ever? Just do it silently, please. And then coming down the road. Shia!

That's as quiet as I can do it. You see, the headlights of another vehicle cresting the hill. You're illuminated. and coming down the road is a black limousine with LED lights. Is that a thing back then? Probably not. No, with regular lights. Halogen.

Travis, one DM to another. Good fucking pivot, my man. And it is... Snatched it from the fire, that one, bud. We can edit that out. It is MCCM's limo. there is still a log sitting in the road and now there are people

sitting on said log. Do you stop? He asked scared. It's going to be a short show. Yeah, I think he would. I think he would pull up right in front with them illuminated in his halogen headlamps. The LED lights weren't going to be on the

front of the car. They were going to be in the bottom. I was going to give you like a fax and it was going to be really cool. That would be cool. Wouldn't that be so cool? Anyways, it's not important. Maybe he invented them. I have to tear out two pages of notes now. Hey, this is an interesting place for a bus stop. What are you doing?

My dirtbag charge here, managed to let Bigfoot steal our car without using any of his incredible martial arts abilities to stop him. He knew gunfoo, which was... Yeah. And we could really use a ride, Mr. if you don't mind. You can just take me or him, just me or me and him, I am fine with either one. We also have this chicken and a fox and a bag of grain. Yeah, right?

What the hell's a charge? Charge is like a... Her ward. Like he's your robin? You know, Mr. Belvedere, how he always looked after that kid Wesley, after his parents died? Yeah. In this world, Mr. Bell... Doesn't matter.

Well, I'd be glad to give you a lift. for a very reasonable fee. Oh, God damn. You got $17. Oh, as a matter of fact, as luck would have it. Yeah, I got $17. It seems fair enough. Can you just take us to Morgantown?

Morgantown. It's several hours away. I don't... You got a car? What are you doing? Well, there's a bachelor at party I was supposed to work. But, you know, that's not until tomorrow night. Morgan Town

I can drop her What kind of segue was that? I'm trying to The whole limo back story No we get that but why are you out driving for a party tomorrow night? It's getting warmed up For the next episode of

You know what? It's tonight and screw them It sure is tonight Yeah I agree with I'm only 11 and I'm kind of a dirtbag And don't know math super good But I agree it is tonight All right I'd tell you what The party was tonight

the Bachelorettes, but I got a real weird vibe from them. They wanted nothing but Cindy Lauper music played on my sound system. And that's from the 80s. It was a throwback. It was a remix Cindy Lauper album. Madonna? Here's a fun fact.

Let's step out of character for a second. We were backstage trying to figure out what music we were going to play for you this evening. And Dad kept pumping out jams that were not even from the correct millennia. The battle hymn of the Republic is a classic. It's a good joke. So.

All right, I'll take it to Morgan Town. Now, to be fair. Hey, just Travis. But I'm not serving this kid beer. He did tell you your car would be in Kepler at the end. Oh, well, let's say, I changed my mind. I'm going to make this decision because I don't want you to get in trouble with your brother, Dylan. We got to get this freaking car back with my friend's birthday present inside.

What did you get in, by the way? I mean to ask you. It's supposed to be a surprise. Can you keep a secret? No. It's all right. I already know what it was. Can I roll to see if I know what it was?

Yeah. Go for it. My role is investigator, so I'm on a roll to see... Just based on the size of the package. And I feel like I'm prepared because I was there when he was wrapping it. Yeah, all right. So why are you guessing? Yeah, I don't need to roll for it.

You're right. A three and a one. Well, no, you want to roll under. Oh, yeah. You want to roll under. You got it. You're good. I got it, because it was a smart thing.

Patience is the one thing. And what's the other one? Reckless. Reckless. Those other are two stats. So you've patiently waited to reveal what present he got it. Yeah, this is my fucking parlor room where I finally reveal. I have known what you were getting for that kid all along.

You watched me wrap it. Yeah. What was it? Jock Jams, Volume 1. No. No. No. Now that's what I call music Volume 1.

Scientists have labored for decades to find the only compact disc anyone could ever need, and they settled on Now That's what I call Music Volume 1. They don't need a volume 2. I'm sorry, sir. He's literally always like this. This one has Smash Mouth on it and Casey and Jojo. Just start the car, sir. I only have a cassette deck anyway.

I'm pretty sure they made it for that, too. How much did you buy this guy? Well, it doesn't come out for one month, so $200 on Dark Prodigy. Can we just go, please? Yeah, jump in the back. You don't even have to worry about the seatbelts, and if you want to pop the roof and hang out of them, and woo-hoo, I get a lot of that. Do you do that? Stephanie does not.

Okay? Yeah. Yeah. Was Serge being offered in the year 1998? Oh, yes, it was. Maybe you also have from Jost. I'm going to have to make a few revisions to my character and the level of energy he's bringing to the table.

Well, where are you going? Are you going to Kepler? Are you going to Morgantown? Where I want to go is home, but I think I got to get my brother's car back. With my birthday present inside. With your goddamn copy of, now that's what I call music, volume one inside.

Yes, Griffin. Now, Justin, I also want to know, how much did Clint McRoy pay Stephanie to babysit Griffin McElroy? Is there enough money here to justify any of this? $17. What a bidder. What a bidder.

In 1998, Clint McElroy is pretty generous, actually. You're all up for inflation. Griffin, I'm also super curious. Your older brother, Justin, would have been old enough to drive you to this party. Yeah. What is he so busy doing that he couldn't drive you? That's a big question.

I have three words. Red shoe diaries. I don't know what that means. I guess I was taping that off showtime or something. That sounds like me. But in this timeline, do we all get to do it? It was a smooth operator. And I was really hitting the books.

I was probably studying for math. Oh, so you were a smooth operator who also loved math. I'm a smooth operator with the fractals and various digits and what have you. Now, as luck would have it, you mentioned surge, getting soda. The gas tank is rather low in the limo. Just put some fucking surge in there. That's not where I was going with it. But science is shown.

Yeah. It's the only zero emissions, but the car will explode in 20 minutes. Yes. So, you're heading down the road. The gas is low, so you're going to start looking for a gas station, MCM. What do you guys talk about in the back of this limo? Have some conversation. Make some friends learn a little bit about each other.

It's got fucking fastball on it. It's got fucking flagpole sit on it. It's got fucking sex and candy on it. If you don't shut up and let me read, I swear to God, I'm going to throw you out the window. What are you reading? A bug. You can't be sarcastic with me. I'm the DM.

Have you never listened to our show? Oh no! It's all coming back. It's fucking, it's boring. It's Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I have to read it from my dumb-ass English class. Yeah, and I don't want to say anything, but it's really hard for me to drive with the dome light on,

so you're going to have to kill it. It's all right. I bought this pocket book light. Ah, from Walden Books? What? Yeah, I bought it at Wall. Was that a... Fellow Waldenhead, all right. Was that a Chekhov's book light?

It's going to come back later in the story when you least expect it. Let me write that down so I can be sure to leave it into the narrative. When will they need an extremely weak light? Wow, that light is so specific. It didn't keep me awake at all. Okay. I think I see a gas station in the distance. You do!

You see the stop and pump and chop. Combination gas station, fast food restaurant, and bait shop. Sorry, what is it again? The stop, um, pump, shop. A lot of people just tried to shop and there were so many casualties. You have to stop. You have to fucking stop. Well, they were worried.

At first it was just the stop and pump. And you can see that the shop has been added on because no one was buying their handmade goods. Right. Yeah. They have a lot of artisanal soaps. Hey, I'm playing myself, right? Yeah. I fucking smash through the wall of the car.

Bool-Aid man style to run to the bathroom. Hey, you know what, Griffin? Roll for reckless. You can tell this is an alternate timeline because the real Griffin McElroy would not use a public restroom. I rolled my, that's not true. It is true.

I would fucking die if that were true, Clamackeray. I rolled my exact number. Oh, whoa. You hold your pee so good, and then you pee awesome in the bathroom. Thick, ropy brains of urine. Even if no one can see you, but everyone feels instantly happy.

beer in the hole stop and pump and chop. Everyone's just like, you know what? I feel like a great weight and it's been lifted off my bladder. So, I'm going to give you an added... I'm going to give you an added die to your next roll for peeing so good. Yes. Griffin, I'm getting a box of good and plenty.

Do you want anything? Anything other than those? All right. Fucking known counting for taste. Hey, you're going to have to buy the gas. I can't. That's what's up. Everybody at the Poppet and Locket

Limo service, it's the rule. I don't carry any cash. That's interesting. You kind of created the drama here. Save a little trouble for the GM. I'm coasting. Yeah. Where did this fucking bear come from?

See if it's got any money. I walk up to the cashier. We need gasoline. Uh-huh. We currently lack the liquid assets required. I'm being very fucking smooth, by the way. To acquire this gasoline from your business. But I'm not sure if you just heard that bathroom.

I peed extremely cool. No, listen, I feel very relaxed. So thank you for that. You peed so good it made everyone else feel better. So I'm sort of a thing on the local news and an endorsement from me. Yeah. Karate slash sports master Griffin Macrooy would go a long way to promote your business.

I'm wondering if we could have a trade. Oh, you're Griffin Macquarie? Yeah. And I fetch-ah! Whoa! So... Yeah, I've seen you on WSAZ. Yeah, so I was wondering...

We get that here. Mm-hmm. Can we have the gasoline and I'll tell everybody on the news what a good business this is? Well, here's the thing. I don't think you know how business works, all right? I am 11. Yeah, I'm going to supply the gas to you, and you just want it for free? Not without beating me at one-on-one.

Excuse me. Can I buy these... Excuse me, sir, can I buy these good and plonies, please? I'm sorry, I'm busy challenging this 11-year-old dual basketball game. I'm clearly more invested in this storyline. You can have the good and plonies. Hell yeah, all right. By the way, this is how good I am at role-playing.

I fucking hate good ones. They're gross. If you like them, you're wrong. Are you... Excuse me, sir, in the front row who's shouting at me and throwing boxes of good and pletties, please stop.

Everybody, take pictures of this and put it on Twitter, so later people listen to this will know that this guy was totally doing it. Are you sure you want to get dunked on by an 11-year-old? Well, I was all-state basketball team

when I was 11, and I've got these cool pump-up sneakers. Stephanie's going to stay at the counter because she didn't want to leave Griffin alone with an adult man. It seems like one of the main things that a babysitter should do. That is rule number one in the babysitter's handbook. Yeah. Give me just one second.

Hey, I'm pretty good at basketball, but can either of you pump up my shoes with magic or... Why does he keep asking about magic? He thinks that I have some sort of... It's too long to go in. You know, I can't take this kid fucking anywhere without somebody challenging him to one-on-one basketball. I'm used to this at this point. The good news is he's going to win and you don't need to worry about Griffin.

Yeah? Hey, listen, all those times that I've been saying magic words and pointing at your shoes in the past, that was just a scam, man. Yeah, that's right. Basketball magic was in you all along. Now, please fucking beat this guy

so we can get on the road and I can get my brother's car back so it doesn't beat my ass. Okay, Griffin, roll forward. You go out back. I'll be in the car. And he has a full-blown, like, beautiful court set up. It's like arena lighting.

Yeah, it's amazing. Like, there's a full-time announcer who works there. Hey, why do you have all this? I love basketball. I do, too, but this is a little much, don't you think? Listen, property values are really low here. I can buy a whole thing. Cost of living is very cheap in West Virginia.

Okay. So I'm able to afford this and live a lifestyle that I love. I'm a state... That depends on really what part of the state you're talking about. Eastern Panhandle, you're going to see some... high prices. No, I'm more in the middle of the state. I'm right here in the monongalia.

Wrong. Hey. I look at him and I say, okay, and I stand at the starting circle. Oh, my God. That's what it's called. Where we begin the sacred act. We begin the intricate dance.

That is basketball. Ah. No one's quite sure. how it's played even to this day. The rules are lost to time. Anthropologists have studied the writings, but it's unclear. There's something, something, peach basket?

It's been lost to time. When you sink the skulls in the stoned hoops. So the Clint McElroy of this timeline. You are, you fucked up so bad. Anyway, I say, whenever we're done with this, remind me I have a story to tell you.

Okay. Ask what the story. What is that story you mentioned? It's about how I beat Shaq, and then I... How did you do, Griffin? I got three successes. Oh, okay. Well, that,

it's a critical success. Fuck yeah, it is. Young man, I've never seen anybody play basketball so good. You fucking just skipped it? Paint a picture, Dick. Come on. Young Griffin McElroy dumps so hard? No.

I take the basketball. and I... Throw it in the circle thing. I break all the ankles this dude's got on his shelf. And then I fucking stand half court, throw it way up in the air, and then I

say, hold on a second. And I go and I fill up the tank. And then I come back and I say, and it swishes. That was very fly. Very good, Dad. And the owner of the M-pump, and shop.

Begins weeping, not out of sadness, but out of sheer joy. I get that a lot. For he has never seen basketball beauty like this. Thanks. This has taught him what basketball really is. It's not about winning or losing. It's about heart.

And taking free gasoline. And he appreciates that. And so he gives you a free box of Mike and Ikes. Fuck yeah, now we're talking. And hands you an unopened box of beef jerky. and says this is for you, it's your problem now. Can I have a scratch off? No, not unless you want to play me in one-on-one.

Can you come from everybody? Apparently we're all going to play this guy in basketball. Hey, still. Real talk. He kind of sucks shit at basketball. It's weird he has all this stuff. It's aspirational. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Y'all should play this guy in one-on-one hoops. You will slam him to the ground. You'll buy the basketball court for the life you want to leave. Yeah. Listen, I didn't buy, all right, I inherited this basketball court from my uncle, Shaq. It's like one buck. It's one buck for a scratch off. I'll give you a buck. I'll buy the ticket. Can I buy a ticket? Yes, that is how a shop. Do I have the role for that wise guy? No, you give me money and I give you a product and that's called business. Okay. Well, can I help you guys with anything else? Holy shit, you just want a trillion dollars. Oh, no, hold on. Actually, Dad, roll one D6.

If it's accurate lottery stakes, it should be roll 156 million. What did you get? I got a one. Okay. Now was this a... That may be good, it may be bad. I don't know. Well, I would say that buying a scratchoff is a reckless move.

Okay, that's fair, yeah. So you win zero money, and in fact, you reach in your pocket, and some money you had had in there is gone. Wait a minute. I think buying a lottery ticket is the ultimate symbol of patience. Oh, you're fucking wrong, then. I had to take a job. Because a lottery ticket is not an investment that you sit up for many years

and hopes developed into more money. It is the thing you say, for $1, I would like $250 more. Travis, dad's got a foolproof system. He's been talking to me about that. I've been finding very exciting lately. For $10,000, you could make $20, maybe someday, possibly. Okay.

We'll talk more during intermission. Can we go, please? Yes. Do you all need any directions or anything? Is there anything else that can? Yeah, we're trying to actually thank you. Finally, somebody's helpful. We're trying to get to Kepler, but we got pretty well lost on our way here.

Kepler? Why are you looking for Kepler? Oh, gosh. Oh, boy. Okay. Well, a guy stole my brother's car, and I need to get it back because it's got his dumbass president's side, and we've got to go to this stupid party and meet the home improvement kid. Zachary Ty Bryant?

Not Zachary Ty Bryant, no. Or the other one? The one no one can remember. Quantum home improvement, brother. I think his name was Wilson. No, that would be a wild show, though. Stay behind that fifth, son. I don't even want to look at you.

My son, who's older than me? Wait, did you have to take a gift? The Adventure Zone audience skews young. They don't remember home improvement. We have to move on. You say a guy stole your car? What did he look like? It's not a big town. I might know him.

He was regular amount of hairy. That seems oddly specific to bring up. He was Bigfoot. Oh, you're one of those. No, I'm a human being. This one was Bigfoot.

No, I was not saying that you were a woodland ape. I know that. You are not a Sasquatch. Please ignore my dirtbag charge and just tell us how to get to camp. So you're looking for Bigfoot. No, I'm looking at directions. I get it.

You don't got to be embarrassed. A lot of people come through here looking for Bigfoot. Give me one second. And he pulls out a map of the area and he draws on it with a marker showing you the way to go. Perfect. That was the secret thing we had to do to get you to draw on the map. Listen, man, if you're looking for Bigfoot, I know exactly where you need to go. So just follow these directions.

You're going to be fucking. a map to the Star's homes in Los Angeles, except it's a map. I wouldn't know. I'm more of a kind of God's country kind of person. Hey, just a quick question. When we get in the car and drive away, is this place we're going to turn around and it has been closed for years and years and years? Listen, if that happens, I'm as surprised as you are, frankly.

I'm not saying it won't happen, you know, things being how they are, but I do not anticipate that happening. Well, your whole basketball business model just isn't really working either. That's not just who I am. I'm also a deacon of the church, sir. I have a rich in her life. I got a girlfriend that is going very well with. We've only been seeing each other

for about nine months, but I think she could be the one. All right, do you want to hear more about me or you want to just focus on the basketball thing? Hey, hey, I'm going to teach myself how to drive this stupid car if you guys don't get in. I'll drive. I'll drive. Get in.

Shut up. Will you guys come back just at some point? We don't get a lot of business here. I got bored and I built a basketball thing. Return, true. If we're coming this way, I'll stop being us. Where to God? Okay, I'll just stay open for you 24-7

just in case. It's just like Field of Dreams. That's what I'm saying, Dick, he's gone, though. As soon as we turn the corner. Oh, yeah. I don't think that's true, but if so, remember me. Stand outside and just keep waving at us as we drive away. Okay, thank you for stopping in Brigadoon, West Virginia.

And you guys take off down the road. I watch from the rear window. I'm following this thread. You still there? Roll. Roll what? For patience. Yeah, this is probably just one.

For patience, you want to roll under. I didn't. I rolled over. It disappears. But only because you go over a hill. That's how that works. That is how that works. So how's the conversation going?

Do we have anything new to talk about based on the scene that just transpired? All right. Here's what I'm saying. And I don't want to have to explain this anymore. When you are a grown adult, like myself, you'll start to appreciate candies that aren't just sugar, sugar, sugar. And with a good and plenty, you're going to be getting a little bit of the sweet, but then you're going to get that undercurrent of bitterness. And that resides at the heart of us all, Griffin. You will understand this as you get older, but I wouldn't expect a child to appreciate a woman's candy. This is a candy for grown adults, all right?

So what's the difference between good and plenty and Ike and Mike? A world of difference. Me, 32-year-old Griffin McRoy just got pissed off about that sentence. I thought you were under 30. Not anymore. They took it away. Oh, shit. You see flashing lights behind you as a motorcycle pulls up beside you.

By the way, when we were having this conversation, I was hanging out the sunroof, slamming jerky and sloshing surge. Yeah, pull over. You need to pull over. Just keep going, man. What's he going to do? It's not worth it. Floring. Pull over.

Hey, you want me to turn up the black-eyed peas? No. The black-eyed peas are from the early 2000. Stop. Stop the podcast. The Beatles? Mac tried to get us to play back-eyed peas as in the intro. music and we told him the one black eyed piece song he knows came out in 2005 and it's my

humps and he can't and he doesn't he can't do that so we told him that and just now he referenced black eyepiece knowing didn't they have songs before that yes dad apple the app and the rest of the gang had songs before fergie joined the group but you i okay whatever i'm not going to argue about this so so are you guys going to like pull over or what aren't you in the forestry service yes are you even allowed to do this? We're in a forest, aren't we? All right, he's got you there. I floor it. Go ahead. No, wait.

I floor it, and I remember all those times from watching Uniroy and Al in the Uneroyle tire commercials doing a lot of stunt driving. Sorry, sorry, is this show set in the 1890s? All right, Dad? Was Duke of Hazard around in the 90s? Mac, okay, this question's so wild. go ahead and roll to break the forest law or whatever.

What jurisdiction does they have? How many do I roll? We're in the forest. That is the jurisdiction. How many do I roll? Well, you know what? This is, let's say, a driver move, which you are. Thank you.

Very reckless, but you're not prepared for it, so two. Okay. And I have to roll above three? How about you just roll, and I tell you if you fuck about. Because you will lie. You want to roll above a three, yes. Okay. I rolled a one and a four.

Okay. it is a mixed success. I'm going to use my luck point. No, no luck points. Sorry, Mac. So, you do begin speeding away, but now you see more lights and more motorcycles

behind you, and you're now being chased by several. It's a gang. It's a motorcycle gang. How many officers do they have in the forest? It's still Forest Service, right? It's really slow today. And chasing a guy. in a bigfoot costume is like our number one thing right now. Oh, that's our guy.

Let's work with the fuzz. All right, yeah. You know what? That's the first good I said. I didn't understand the combative nature. Wait, okay. Wait. Why are we not talking like that? What do you have? No, Griffin, that's the first good idea you've ever had in your entire life, literally.

Let's stop, let's pull over, let's work together with these guys and catch this fucking Bigfoot. We have a lead. I can't hear you. Just stop the. Just stop the car. MC Scat-Cat, come on.

All right, but I put on my blinkers, I look and I very slowly forward onto the shoulder. Trying to get time off for good behavior. And I put a big smile on my face. Good podcast joke. Audio medium.

Hey, knock, knock. Can I see your identification, please? You want to see my identification? No, MC. No, I want to see this. Yeah, how about a bad? Hey, you guys are coming on really strong for people who just attempted to flee.

Like, hey, maybe I should be asking the questions? We thought you were UFOs. Can I just talk to the office? What? We thought you were UFOs. Roll, dad. Talk a bunch of bullshit. You don't get to just make a statement like that and have me say, oh, yeah, of course.

Totally makes sense. Close encounter. was out in the 90s. Okay. Also, so was human logic. All right. How many do I roll? One. One. You are neither prepared nor an expert at saying human beings or UFOs. Yep, you're right. I'm not.

That's a two. Oh, my God. You know, something tells me I don't think you thought we were UFOs. Well, you'll never know for sure. I think maybe you were running because you were a little guilty. What are you hiding? I mean, not a big foot. I'm not talking to you.

Excuse me? I was literally not talking to you. I know you're not talking to me right now because I have to see your badge and identification number, officer. I would like to see your license and your registration. I'm sorry, but I'm on a United States highway, which means that you do not have jurisdiction here, officer. Now, can I please see your registration since we are not in the fucking trees. I'm not going to be intimidated. by a tree cop.

Let me see them. Okay. I'm laughing while hanging out of the sunroof. Okay, you tell that young man to stop doing very threatening karate. And I will give you my registration and my identification. It's calisynics. Griffin fucking chees it. Okay.

I'm Ranger Berkeley. Here's my ID. This is my badge. Here's, I don't know, piece of paper that says I'm allowed to ride a motorcycle whenever I want. It's called a license. Do you have a gun? I mean, I have a forest gun, yes. A forest gun?

What does it, shoot wooden bullets? It's a crossbowl. All right. All right. I've got some bare mace. You seem legit. How can we help? Well, okay.

First things first. Why'd you all run? Switch the pedals up. Oh. Roll smooth for me. Two dice, please. Is this reckless or patience? This is reckless.

Then I double succeed. All right, yeah. That makes a lot of sense. Man, I've been there, too. You know, driving. What did Griffin say? He switched the pedals. You meant to hit the brake and you hit the gas on.

We've all been there. Hey. So he bought an 11-year-old telling him that? A very smooth, athletic 11-year-old. I saw the karate he was doing, and one of the first tenets in karate is, Thou Shalt Not Lie. Are you a fellow? I am, and he begins doing karate as well.

And it's really cool. We hitch up. Yeah, you high job. I've become brothers for life. Okay. Griffin is really bonding with the extra characters in this show, isn't he? Yeah. Hey, listen, I know what I'm about to say is going to sound, but...

You're trying to hunt and kill Bigfoot? Yeah, well, whoa. Kill, no. There's a guy running around in a Bigfoot suit, making a menace of himself and scaring everybody. He stole their car. What? It's true. Yeah.

He stole your vogue. vehicle? It's my brother Dylan's Cutlass Sierra, yeah. Oh man, he's going to be pissed. And I'll warn you in case you run into him again. He's got a city gun, not a forest gun. Oh, no. Yeah. That's my one weakness. It's a lot of people's weakness. It is a lot of people's one weakness. Not mine, but most people. Then how did he take your car if you're not weak against guns?

I'm weak. I'm allergic to what he is. You're allergic to fake big foot? See? Sure, let's go with that. I don't want to have to roll for it again. That seems like a real inconvenience for y'all. Yeah, I mean, we're trying to get to...

He said he would leave the car in Kepler. So we're trying to get to Kepler, West Virginia, and get my brother Dylan's car back and then maybe try to swing by this fucking kid's birthday party. And the longer we have to sit here talking to you, the farther ahead he's going to get. Okay, I don't know why you're taking a kid with me.

At this point, you're aiding and abetting a big foot. Yeah. How am I supposed to know that you're not Bigfoot wearing some sort of magic bracelet. Thank you. What? Sorry. Take your watch off.

And give it to me. Can you please say? Watch. No, no, I've seen. Let him hold your watch. Yeah. Pin and Teller do this all the time. You know what?

You all seem really trustworthy? Here you go. And they hands you his watch. Does he turn in a big? No, he stays human. Okay. Is it a nice watch? What?

It is. It's okay, but it grabs him the bag and says, too, Daddy. Happy birthday. Oh, damn. Give him his watch back. What do you want? Oh, thanks for giving this back.

I stole it from some guy. What do I want? I want to do my job? My team. I want to have a successful inner life or want to find peace. All right. Listen, I'm telling you where to find Bigfoot. In Kepler?

Yeah. Hmm. It's in the Monongahela National Forest. The Montagalia? Wrong people call it that. Is that anywhere near the Kanawalwa River? That's a joke, only people...

It's not play. Anyway, yeah, it doesn't play here. Yeah, I don't play here. Yeah, I don't know. I'm not even sure it was a joke. So, you stole that birthday present, huh? What?

You stole that birthday present, that watch you're wearing? No, that was a joke that I was making. You didn't have jokes where you're from, right? Okay, yeah. Is it a swatch watch? So what's the Sasquatch watch?

It is an engraved to swatchwatch watch. The only one of its kinds. So can we go or what's up? Yeah, let us get our head start so we can catch Bigfoot first. Bye! And they all speed off down the road and leave you in the dust. These are bad cops.

They're not cops. They're forest rangers. All right. Yeah. Listen, they're on untrod territory at this point. They are working without a net. They have never done this kind of thing. This is the first forest ranger manhunt.

We need to get there before they do. Yeah. MC Scat-Cat. Well, they'll take the car as evidence and you'll never get your gifts and stuff. And they're going to impound my fucking CD. Floor it. Fucking Florida. Go get those Ewaks.

Let's go. Let's roll. Okay. When you pass them, can I say some dope shit about Piccanic baskets? Yeah. Oh, that's good. Yeah, that's good, right?

Roll for driving real good to catch them. Okay, so that should be four, right? No? Can't roll four. You can roll two. I don't think you were prepared as a character to have a race, to have a race with the Forest Range.

on motorcycle. I don't think MC Scat Cat or whatever the hell's name is, sat at home thinking, mm, and later I better be mentally ready to chase some forest rangers who are hugging big foot. Roll the dice, man. Yeah, okay. That's a three and a five.

That's over his number. Okay. Yeah! Can I, can I... Wait a minute. I want to help out to see if I can get him up to a critical success. Now, how would you, 11-year-old Griffin, Help this grown person, who I will remind you,

is in the front of a limousine and you're on the back. Drive better. Roll down the window, pop open the gas tank, shove some surge inside. Who is going to bring our vehicle to a halt? Roll that shit. You know what? It works and it's great. Say yes.

What? What am I doing? Okay, go ahead and roll, Dan. Roll an additional dice. Just one dice. Just one. result of Griffin's surge. But I don't know if I...

That's a six. It's a six. And let me just say, oh, snap. Oh, snap. Dad may have... I printed out a glossary of 90s terms for them before the show, and Dad's the only one using it. Yes.

Dad's the only one needing it. I'm the only one that doesn't remember the 90s. And that's I with me. Okay, yes, it works. And it does give you a boost, so you get way, way, way ahead of them. Well, not yet. We got a pass.

Okay, you're passing. Okay, you're passing. Picking baskets! Damn. Slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down, slow down. Track in. What did you say? Hey, I guess, we're getting away

with your picketing baskets. Now drive, now go. You have my picnic basket? That landed, that was fucking great. It does give you a burst of speed, so you are far ahead of them. Cool. And you're following the map

was given to you by the stop-m-pump, ghost, and haunt. And the owner, but unfortunately, because the surge is so energetic, so powerful, right, it does give you that burst of speed,

but you hear a sputter, your engine begins to overheat, and you coast to a stop in front of the building that the mount drew you to. I mean, cool, we don't need this car anymore.

Sorry for your luck. What's the building? Well, there are no lights. There's none that you can't quite see at this point because the battery, the car has died. The halogen lights are off. But you see one light on. Well, luckily. And wait until act two.

Luckily, I'm able to illuminate the building with my extremely weak book light. You know what? I'm going to say with your extremely weak book light, you're able to see an open sign on the front door. this wasn't it. You'll use it to, like, shoot out somebody's eyes or something later. Hold on to it. Yeah, I'll save it. I put it back in my checkoff's pocket.

Let's... I mean, guys, I'm out of leads. Why don't we go ahead inside and see what's cooking? Yes. Dad? Hey, you're the adult. Why don't you go in first? Yeah, that's actually great.

In case of traps. Yeah, that's... All right, well, it's in the limo driver's creed. Yeah, I knew that. That's why I asked you to do it. Always lead the way for your passengers. So I'll do that. Should I knock first?

No. Charge you to go charge you right in. So, all right. Who can stop you? You're you. That's right. I'm MCCM. And I had to check my character sheet.

I had to look down there and see. Okay, you open the... Busting through the door. You open the front door. Inside, it is lit, though, you know, a little dim. It's kind of atmospheric. lighting, I would say. And there is an older woman behind the counter waiting for you to come in, but she's surprised to see you. And you can tell that the whole place seems like it's ready

for guests, but she is surprised to have guests there. It's completely empty other than you three now and her. And all around the room, there are weird displays, decorations. There are, you know, hands and jars and spooky skeletons. And she says, oh, didn't expect to see anyone tonight. is Victoria. How can I help you? We are... This is going to sound weird, but probably not to you.

We're looking for Bigfoot. And her face just lights up. And she says, you're looking for Bigfoot. You've come to the right place. Welcome to the Cryptonomica. We're taking a break. We'll be right back. Hey, everybody. This is Griffin McElroy.

your best friend, and thank you so much for listening to another live show of the Adventure Zone as we prepare to start our next season, which is coming up very, very soon. In fact, I got a few pieces of news, few announcements, but first I'm going to tell you about our sponsors for this week. Oh, God, one more thing. Next week, we are doing an off-week episode. We're doing a V-Ve the Adventure Zone zone. Mostly, we're just going to be talking about amnesty and wrapping that up, and we're going to talk to you. just a little bit about the next season as well. But mostly it's a chance for us to answer all your questions about amnesty. So again, bonus episode next week. We'll be back with a new thing. And then, or rather, T-T-A-Z, and then the week after that, who knows? So, yeah, we'll talk to you soon. Bye.

So you're in the cryptonomica. And some people seem familiar with her. Right. We are not, I assume. Well, but you Griffin, well, you Griffin McRoy Prime, Clint, and Justin R, you don't have to pretend like you don't know about amnesty, the show we've been doing for the last 19 months. Right, sure. Wait, so which one of us are we talking about? The us that are physically sitting up here.

On Earth, this Earth. Yeah, Crisis on Infinite Inventions. I am very afraid of all. all of the scary exhibits and monsters here in this room. Very scared, very scary. I don't like it. M-11, scared of all this stuff. Okay.

Stephanie is just pointing out the ones that are definitely bullshit and probably bullshit. Which ones are probably bullshit? 75% of them. Okay. 24% are definitely bullshit. What's that 1%? I think maybe it's the Bigfoot who carjacked us. Right.

That gets a percent. So anyways, as I was saying, if you're looking for Bigfoot, you've come to a very place, this is the Cryptonomica. Did I mention that? It's a museum of the macab, blah, blah, blah. Welcome. You really get so many people in here that you need to skip the spiel? No, honestly, it's the opposite. Not enough people I can't remember it.

Fair enough. Hey, wait a minute. It's pretty boring anyways. No one cares about this place. I've been thinking of something. selling it, but I haven't found the right person. The next slub who comes in, I guess. I'll give it to a real

rube. I am so confused. Yeah, dad can barely hang on to one reality. We're asking him to keep three in his minds simultaneously. Yeah, so anyway. Bigfoot stole our car with my friend's birthday, dirty, the prison. Thank you, Griffin. What did you get? What was the birthday present? No, that's what I call Music Volume 1. Oh, that's the only album anyone needs. It doesn't come out for another month.

I got it off Dark Prodigy. Dark Prodigy, $200. Now, is it true that it have flagpole sit on it? It does have flagpole sit on it, and I hope my man JTT knows exactly what's up. Yeah. Well, who's not a fan of Harvey Danger? Certainly, Jonathan Taylor Thomas is, I'm hoping. Oh, yeah, he's a man of taste and refinement.

And if he's not, Casey and Jojo are up on this disc. What? Anyway, yeah, so... It's lost, along with, again, my car, which is worth at least... 300 copies of Now That's what I call music Volume 1. So where

Where's Bigfoot? Well, funny you should mention that. Is it? And Bigfoot Barclay comes from the Inner Sanctum. Yeah. Got him. Hey, asshole. Give me my fucking car.

Well, uh, bad news. Good news. Bad news, good news. Bad news, good news. That's funny. That's what I call these bad boys. And Griffin flexes his biceps. But only one of them is any good.

Yeah, which one's... Wait, is the good one good news or is the good one bad news? I say, this one's the good news, and I have a jolly rancher in it. And what's the bad news? Fucking karate, dude! As everyone knows, the polar opposite of jolly rancher is karate. For listeners listening later,

Griffin has flexed his arms and his reedy frame. is somehow casting less of a shadow than he was before. If you might, well, we probably edited out, but that creak was Griffin's bones. No C-Flex. The car, whatever, it's an old bad car. I need that CD

for to impress a home improvement actor. Tim Allen? Fuck no. Wilson. Yo. Holy shit, it's Bigfoot. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit, hold on back.

It's big, fuck. Oh, right, yeah, you weren't here the first time. Oh, right, yeah, no. Acting, thank you. Yeah. Yeah, that's good. Please, my name is Barclay. That's enough of the song and dance, Barclay.

Where's my fucking car? It has been impounded. Ah, damn it. Told you. By the Capitol Police. Wait a minute. This town has five policemen. What?

Nothing. What? Where did you get the number five? No, we're done playing a game. What the fuck are you talking about? You just said, five police. No, by the... Really?

So, hold on. You thought the sentence he just said was, it has been impounded, five police. I thought it was the first part of a sentence. Five police showed up and took the car. This is all very funny. Until people see it later on or behind the podcast episode, Clint's decline became gradually at first.

Where is this? Okay. This is not a decline, by the way. Why is the car impounded? Oh, I was speeding. And a cup pulled you over. Well, I kind of just like jumped out and ran so it might have like, you know, jumped a curb. It's fine.

Did the occasional brakes work? It was a 1992 Oldsmobile Cutlass Sierra. Yeah. If it jumped a curb, it probably exploded. It did, I will say, it damaged the curb. All right. But I couldn't stick around. Look at me.

I look like Bigfoot. There's a good reason for that, from what I understand. I mean, the legend of Bigfoot existed long before I got here. What? How are you going to... Did you just talking to your wine glass? Because that suddenly sounded like a McDonald's employee was trying to ask what I wanted to order.

All right. Bigfoot, can we talk? It's Barclay, please. Bigfoot was my father. That's just a joke. Bigfoot wasn't my dad. Bigfoot is a myth. I just happened to look like a Sasquatch. Hey, Barclay.

Yes. Have you ever heard of Big Stink? No. Oh, that's probably because you don't go to Huntington East High School. Big Stink is my brother, Dillon. Oh. Do you want to, do you know why they call him Big Stink? I mean, I could guess, but they would all be pretty, like pretty derogatory.

Yeah, you wouldn't, you don't know. And unless you want to find out, you better find the car. Because otherwise you're going to have to fuck with Big Stink. It's not me. It's Big Stink, my brother, Dylan. Is the Big Stink a threatening thing he does? No, it's not, it's not a pro wrestler. They call him Big Stink at Huntington East Haskell.

But I don't see how big stink. translates to something I would be afraid of. I'm sorry for being unpleasant. Most people in Huntington have heard of Big Stink, and it would have been a lot more threatening if we've been in Huntington, all right? I get it now. You don't know who Big Stink is. Fine. Where's the car, Barclay?

Your mom! Whoa. Okay. Mark it off the sheet, Mac. Please. Bigfoot was my mother. I'm sneaking up behind Barclay. Hey, we did this dance earlier, you athletic 11-year-olds. Please. You're right. You're so intimidated.

Hey, can I have a hug? I think this is a trap, but I can't say no because you're so smooth. I disarm him. I don't have my gun anymore. I left it in the car. Jesus, there's a lot of stuff in this car, man. Yeah.

If this car gets into the wrong hands, they'll have the smoothest jams ever and lethal ranged attack power. All right, Barclay, I want to hear your plan. Well, so that's the good news. Okay. I have a friend. She's really tight.

the police, and I think she can handle all this, she could smooth it out, but like, I have to get out there, and she's not answering the phone, and I have to get up to Amnesty Lodge. So, this would be like if I was eating a delicious

cinnamon roll, and you were a starving man, and you walked up to me, and you slapped the cinnamon roll out of my hand into a sewer drain, and then you said, I'm hungry. Do you have any food that I can eat? Listen, I know that tonight hasn't gone well.

It has not cemented our friendship in the history books. I do get that. And I'm sorry for how this is shaken out. I'm pretty new to this. And if I'm being honest, terrified. Do you know what would happen to me if people caught me and found out that I was, you know, Bigfoot, not a guy in a suit, Bigfoot.

You know what the ramifications of that would be for me. I know. Listen, I've heard all about it. I know what they did to the aliens that landed here. I know. They're covering up, they're covering up Jack the Ripper. They're covering up all this shit. We're not going to let that happen to you.

We're going to get the car back. We're going to get your gun back, I guess. I mean, I don't mean the gun. I'm not especially attached to it. Right. In fact, you know what I would say? I could learn to live without it if it made other people feel safer.

I need a towel, ball. Nice. I drank my beer so dramatically. It spills. You know what side of God? on. You know, that's actually pretty good news because Bigfoot attached your guns is just about the scariest goddamn thing I've ever

heard. I need a towel, Paul. There's been a terrible spill. But it was very dramatic, and I earned it. God has shown his support for the Second Amendment, Paul. There's nothing we can do about it. All right, listen, y'all, we could pussyfoot around all day, but I know

this story ends with us giving Bigfoot a ride to Amnesty Lodge. Let's go. Well, does your cab company have a policy? It's a limo company. Pop it and lock it limos. Yeah, do they have a policy against Bigfoot passengers? Racist. Let me see.

Chippocabras. It's got to be in your list of 90 slang somewhere. Jersey Devil. Only if he's Fugly. Oh, geez. That was another one on the list. Yes. I'm watching this spill.

creep towards my beautiful pineapple pants, Paul. Paul, please. Save my pineapple pants. He needs a towel or some small sandbag or different pants. Or different pants that I'm not invested in.

Paul, my brother needs untresured pants. I could also scoot slightly to the left. He's just laughing. He's just watching and laughing. Paul, you muster. I need a towel, Paul. Paul.

Your job is on the line, Paul. If you saw the size of this spill, Paul. Paul, it's creeping towards my microphone, Paul. I could become electrocuted. I don't know what to do. My years are training. Oh, thank God. You couldn't.

Thank you, Paul. Thank you, Paul. A hem. Back to weaving my narrative tapestry. Yeah, let's go ahead and get Bigfoot to this, Yeah, there's nothing in the rules. It says cryptids can't ride. Is there anything in the rules about a Labrador Retriever playing?

Excuse me, a golden... I fucked it up. Yep. Yeah. It's going to cost 17 bucks. That's his standard rate, believe it or not. Okay, well, when we get up to the launch, my friend can, like, pay you and...

Oh, yeah, I've heard that one before. No, you're going to have to roll. You have heard that before where Bigfoot has said, I have a friend at a hotel who will give you 17. Yes. Okay, I don't have to roll. I'm the DM. Look at that, I've made it. Haza!

I'll tell you what, I'll... For his fare, you play me in basketball. One-on-one basketball. Basketball. All right, let's do it. Okay. All right.

Dad, you roll one dice, Griffin roll three. Dad, you're not prepared to play basketball. And you're not an expert in it, unless there's something you haven't told us about your character. Griffin's got a sick, so I hope that's a funny die. It's a one. It's a clinical one.

That's three successes. All right, I'll tell you what. Hold on. No, no, no, I want to hear what happens. I get my fucking armpits sweat all over you. He dunks on you so bad that you fart and fall down. And everyone laughs really hard. I'm sorry, that wasn't my intention.

I got so excited. Let me help you defeat. Oh, wait. I don't have any fart lines. Can we just get in the car? Yes, let's get in. I do anything. Since I got so humiliated, I'll let him drive.

Okay, you start the car. Ro-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r- And a dog's barking at me? Oh, no, I searched it up. I did pour a caffeinated soft drink into the gas tank where it says it right there on the tin. Gas is supposed to go. I should have told you. Do we have? Can I siphon the surge out of the gas tank?

You can try. It's reckless for sure. Do I do it cool? Hey, you know what? I'm a pretty forgiving DM. You explained to me a cool way to siphon surge out of a gas tank, and you've got it, buddy. Do you do like a sick stunt?

Do you blow a cloud of cotton afterwards? What are you talking about? I can't think of a cool way to drink surge, let alone chug it out of a gas tank. I guess I'll roll one dice. Four, I beat my number. That's one success. You do a good job, but you accidentally consume one small mouthful of the gasoline slash surge, and you are am to shit.

Fuck, yeah, I am. Yeah. And you've just invented Red Bull. I bottle some of that up for my boy. JTT. He's got to taste this shit. He's going to go crazy. Is that Justin Timberlake that you're talking about? Justin Timberlake, Timberlake, yes. All right, try the car again.

I just sucked all the gas. Your car's fucking wild, man. It's running, and now you just got the surge off the top. It's so dense, surge. It sits on top of the gasoline. Do I have to continue to make the sound? Yes. No, not the sound of your fore. We're better than this. Okay, we're on the road.

Okay. Hey, Griffin, we're not. It's fair. And you hit a small bump, and that's where we get our media res scene. Okay, we're past that. Woo! We got there. We sure overreacted to that speed bump.

Okay, so now you need to sneak through the city as the police and the force. In a limo. So, wait. We need to sneak through the city. to the city in a halogen-lit party bus full of big foot? Correct. Perfect. And you're also having a hard time keeping him in the sunroof.

He just loves that shit. He's so tall. Imagine Harry and the Hintnersons in a limousine, and I think he'd go a little something like this. You get it. Sure. Can you drive on the back roads? Yeah.

Okay. Where are they? I don't know. It's Kepler. It's nothing but back roads. Right, I'm 11. Yeah, why am I taking driving directions from an 11-year-old kid drinking wine? It's not wine.

It's great juice. It's turbo juice, which is what I'm calling my new mixture of gasoline and surge. It gives me strong karate energy, and you're going to be thankful for it later. All right, I drive the limo staying just in alleyways, just the alleys. Very sticky. With the halogen headlamps turn. turned off. Okay. Roll 2D6 for me. Okay. Is this reckless or patience? I'm going to say this is patience. Oh yeah. Oh, thank God. Then that's two successes. One and two. Excellent. You are doing

a super cool job. Whoa. So here's the question that I will ask you guys, uh, the players, not the characters, the characters would not know, but there are two ways up to Amnesty Launch from Kepler Maine, right? You have the finicular and you have the road up, which, Which way you take it? I mean, I think we should stay with the car. I think we should take the road, right? Can you leave your car behind? Are you allowed to travel on foot while you're on the clock?

I mean, he's not attached to it. It's not a cybernatic organism. He's not crank who lives in a... He won't die without it. And the car won't cease to exist when he steps out of it. Why did we just go through all that shit to get the limo started if we were just going to take the... 300 feet. Yeah.

You have now reached the point where you've... can now make the decision of are you sneaking to the finicular, are you sneaking to get up the road? Just say one word. Funicular! Yes. Excellent. I bottle up the rest of the gasoline. Excellent.

So, you are stinking along and you park at the funicular station. As you get out of the limousine, the last person out is Bigfoot. He is still in the car when you see him. Because you snuck so good, I'll give this to you. You see a young uniformed. patrolling around the funicular. And he sees you and begins to walk over. I start sneaking up behind him.

I'm doing a gentle chopping motion. He was walking towards you. He sees you. There's not even a rule I'm going to let you make that allows you to sneak behind someone who is looking at you. In this outfit, he couldn't sneak around? I'm dressed very brightly. And also a very noisy jacket.

Excuse me, officer. We're trying to get to Amnesty Lodge. Can you help us out? we're out of town tourists who've become lost. This is my dad. Now, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, it's true.

Oh, God. No, that's right. Oh, dear heavenly God. This is his young boy's dad, and I'm his babysitter because his dad is incompetent. Oh, no. I mean, that sounds right so far. He's been on the radio in West Virginia for 27 years. Not in this reality.

Oh, my God. So anyway, it's just the three of us and our big dog, and we're trying to get up to Amnesty Lodge. Yeah. What's your name, sir? And can I see your badge, please? Oh, yeah, I'm Officer Owens. Hi, Officer Owens.

This is, here's my badge and my paperwork. I'm... Thank you for just giving that up, by the way. Yeah. You'd be surprised I hardly have to fight with a lot of people. Why? You know how people get. Small town, a little bit of power goes out to their heads.

So, uh, just, uh, we can't have a regular conversation. I don't see why we can't see why. No, I guess it's, I'm supposed to keep this pretty much on lockdown. I'm not supposed to let people, you know, go up and down. We're trying to, we're kind of like a man hunt, I guess. Oh, right on. Who are you hunting down? Some guy dresses Bigfoot.

Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. Well, I'll tell you what. Do you know what he smells like? Our dog could help find him. I mean, you know, whatever, like, a sweaty mascot kind of smell. That's what I assume. Just like real garbage, right?

Yeah, that sounds about right. Smells like hot garbage. Like hot thieving garbage. Like hot. A very important competition is. You guys had really worked up about this. Car stealing garbage. Yeah.

Look, officer, we obviously have a. some issues to work through. Well, it sounds like it might be because you're not a very good father. Man. My bad. Listen. And suddenly, just like that,

all of our problems are healed. Our relationship, he finally said, my bad. Welcome to the healing zone. Listen, Acceptant zone, is that anything? Anyway. I would love to help you all out, but I share. Sheriff Pearson will just have my ass.

If I don't, I keep this on locked down. Yeah, we'll just go up real quick. No, it doesn't have to be a big, like, we'll go up really quick and finish our business and maybe come down after. We have a reservation. Oh. At the lodge. We're staying there.

In the next four minutes. Yeah, we got to get there soon. I think I'm going to have to, like, call this in and just, like, double-check and see. Holy shit. Does your police station have, like, all the time in the... You're going to call this in? I just, I, listen, I'm set for a big promotion. I do not want to fuck this up.

Hmm. Hmm. Could really break the fucking timeline right now. What if I could tell you exactly where your guy is? Oh, really? Yeah. That would be a huge get for me. Yeah.

Okay. So do you know the pump and stop and shop? Yeah. With the basketball ghost? The basketball ghost. There was a, you know. there was a big foot spotted there earlier this evening. And they, that's, that, we drove past him.

We talked to the shop owner about it. He's dying for company. I'm sure he'll tell you the whole story. Yeah. Dying for company. Check it, run it up the flagpole with him. I'm kind of a, run it up the flag ball and see who still looks. But no one ever does.

Come on. I'm kind of, um, I'm kind of an amateur sleuth. And I'm pretty sure that I just cracked this wide open before you, So I think the least you can do is let us come to Amazon. Roll two dice for me, Stephanie. This is patience. Yes, it is. My number's a four, so I want to give a little four, and I rolled a two and a three.

Oh, thank you. This is a huge break. Thank you so much. You know, I'm just out here trying to do my job and make people happy and protect people, and it's really nice to have good folks like you come along and help me out to protect folks and keep them safe. You better hurry. He's going to get away, huh? Yeah, yeah, you're right. But listen, be careful.

I'm a newlywed. My young wife is, I love being able to support her with my job and success and stuff. This is going to be a huge gift for me. Maybe I'll get a raise and be able to start that family I've always dreamed. We're already gone. We're halfway down the road. He's talking to no one. What did MCC him want to say to him before he went away? Be careful. He's got a forest gun. Oh shit.

And if it actually... And he straps on a wood vest. If you roll up and the business has been closed for many, many years, just look away from it and look back and just keep doing that until it manifests. Yeah, this isn't my first time. Okay. Like I haven't been to the stop and shop and pump and whatever. A thing I made up.

Okay. So he leaves and you're able to take the funicular up. When you reach the top, you can now see. Amnesty launch there on top of the hill. You know, if I had to guess, well, let's just say Griffin, have you had to guess. Yeah. How far is it? I would say about

200 yards, 100 yards down the road. Sure, in this world. But to your right, you see about three forestry service vehicles come tearing up the road headed toward, but they're far off in the distance, far off in the distance. But you can see

their lights flashing, their green lights. Are we on the finicular? No, you've reached this out. You've just gotten off the finicular. So it's time to haul ass. Floor it. We don't have a car. Yeah.

We don't have a car because somebody wanted to take the finicular. I say, oh, don't we? And I drink some of my turbo juice. And turn into a car? Wait, hold on. Is it spicy? I get on all fours. And I go, brew.

Hey, MCCM, if there's one thing I know about true drivers, is that they don't need a car. So, wait, just a check. So you don't know anything about it. What? He's going to drive Griffin? Vroom! I was not actually building on what Griffin was doing.

I was kind of trying to give everybody. I'm wilding out on turbo juice. It's not a plan. I was trying to give everybody an enclave. in which they can hide from Hurricane Griffin his thermoteen references. You just said it was 200 feet. 200 yards.

Okay, let's run. Well, I believe Griffin's already taking that option away from you. Through Griffin's actions. What are you guys running? We'll see who gets there first. Room! I'll take that bet. Okay.

Griffin, roll three dice. Wait a minute. To transform into a car. No. We'll see. To run very fast on Redmore. The name of the game is, oh dang, Bigfoot stole my car with my first birthday president. You don't think I'm going to let Griffin turn into a car?

It's not GoBot. 3-6-4! Three successes! Okay. You know, not, hey, my turn to weave a narrative story. You paid money to see this. You paid money to watch it. You know, no one can be quite sure what they saw that day.

I want a foot race smart. It was dark. It was dark. There wasn't much moon out, but there was some who swear that for just a moment, that young man became a car that day. But it was hard to see with all the dust and rocks flying up as he said towards the lodge. You're all any worse. Leaving behind everyone else.

Okay, so Griffin is at the lodge and ardiously. Why didn't even go to sleep? Because he was so tired after turning into a car. I do need to rest for 48 hours after each. I guess Stephanie's just going to run after him. Okay? And MC Scat-Cat-Cat? Yeah, sure.

Yeah, I'm, I stay human and follow him. But you could do something, you could turn into a bird or something. Travis, hey, stop listening. Guys, Travis is letting us do whatever the fuck. Okay. I got it. I got it. I say, let's grab it, man.

I'm already running. I reach into my pocket and pull out a Starfleet communicator. No. Fuck yes. And I say, Mr. Data, beam me directly to Amnesty Lodge. Fuck yeah. How many fucking dice do I roll for that? Dad, test.

I'm going to say, Dad, one dice. One. And you're going to have to get a really high number. to suddenly introduce Star Trek. Oh, yeah, that's a lot weirder than him turning into a motor vehicle. Yes. It is. All right.

Is three high? No. Wait. If you ever tell Griffin I did this, I will deny it. And then Stephanie raises her hand. Guses her magic powers to tell more than... Yeah, even though it was a toy communicator. Now, MCCM does turn into a cloud of light particles.

and over to Amnesty Lodge. Now, you land in the hot springs and I'm in there still in car form like, I'm stuck. Oh, fuck. Hey. But you get so surprised

by seeing in transport, it switches you back to a boy. But it takes so long. And it does just happen one piece at a time, and it is excruciating. I fucking won. Yeah, I'm looking at you and thinking,

And so now it's just Stephanie and Big Played. Oh, yeah. Just kind of running towards the lodge. Like, hey, it's so nice that those guys are there. I wish I was there. Me too. Do you want to use your magic on me? I only get one per day.

Ah, damn it. Usually I just use it to make cigarettes. Roll. Running. Yeah, too reckless for me. Two and two. That's a double fail. You trip.

Shit. Oh, man. But, but, I mean, you're fine, but Bigfoot just keeps going like, I'm not going to wait. Wow. I'm the most important one to get into side by. Now what do you do? Fuck. All right, so we're at the lodge now?

Sure. We got 33 seconds up. I get there eventually, right? Obviously. Yeah, you get there. Now, by the time you get there, the Forestry Service has caught up. but Barclay was able to make it inside. The Forestry Service knocks on the door.

Right there with you. We need to do thorough search of this place. We're looking for Bigfoot. Sure. Let me just see that warrant real quick, officer. Well, we're not the police, so we don't need a warrant. We have a reservation. We're checking in here at the lodge. Damn, you already rings around me logically.

Yeah. And a young man opens the door. dressed in red flannel and jeans. And he's like, oh, yeah, can I help you, do you all need something? They're like, yeah, we're here looking for Bigfoot. He's like, oh, yeah, come in and look around. And they go searching through the hotel. But they don't find him.

Can you throw? Because the young man in the red plaid, that's Bigfoot. Yeah, sure. What? I expected more of a reaction from you three. And you were just looking at me with blank expressions. I see the fuzz looking around inside. I'm like, hey, throw a tarp over me. I don't want this. It's a hideous grill mouth. And I walk up to the cops and I go,

Talk to the hand! And a late 30s, early 40s woman comes up to you in his head. I just want to thank you all so much for helping my friend Barclay get back here. I understand you're in a spot of trouble with your impounded car. Yeah.

Yeah. Something about a gentleman named Big Stink. Yeah. And she kind of laughs. Oh, you know, Big Stink? Only by reputation. I'm so glad it's... I was worried his legend had not preceded him here.

No, well, we've heard many a tall tale of a big snake. Is it true that he once killed three men with but a look? No, but he is really good at touch football. Okay, that part hadn't made it yet. I'm going to put a call in to my friend Sheriff Pearson. I'm going to get this whole car thing sorted out for you, and you don't need to worry about it whatsoever. Well, there's a party we're trying to get to tonight.

Oh, Gregory's party? Gregory's Taylor Thomas, yeah. Yeah. Did you hear that his second cousin is Jonathan Taylor Thomas? You think that's real? Why the fuck do you think I'm going to Gregory's party? Yeah. Gregory is a shithead.

Yeah. But, man, if you could make that JTT connection. Thank you. That would be so big for you. Anyway, I need that car and the precious contents within tonight, ideally an hour ago. Yeah, let me see what I can do. And she makes a call. And she calls back and says, yeah, it's all sorted out.

Holy shit. Yeah. Well, you know, pretty good friends with Pearson. If I killed someone in this town, is that... No. Why would you jump to that? I got your car out of impound. Not like got you off of murder.

You know what? Thank you so much. I didn't get your name. But you're the first decent person we run into tonight. Thank you so much. Thank you. My name's Maddie. Nice to meet you, Maddie.

What if he was like, it's Susan? Can you do me a big favor, Maddie? Sure. Can you keep fucking closer tabs on Bigfoot, please? Yeah, I'm not Bigfoot's keeper. Oh, boy. Sure, but I'm 11, and he did pull a gun on me, so somebody needs to watch...

Even like a... Listen, it's 1998. It's simpler times. Even like a peer pressure thing. Just sort of... Do you want me to get him to give up his gun? You know what? Hey, Berkeley, burn your gun. And he throws it into the fireplace.

The bullets start to show... Oh, fuck. Oh, no, God! It's okay, it wasn't loaded. All right, I'll go get in the car. Okay. And... Want me to drive?

Yeah, what are you going to do with MCCM? You know what? How about this? I'm going to give you a ride to your car. You've made it back to your car. All right, borrows. as I say. The snake

eats its own tail. I'm a car inside your car driving you to your car. Damn Skippy. Was that really on the fucking list? I don't remember that. I don't remember damn skipping. I would like you now,

all three of you, to role play the touching separation of MCCM and Griffin and Stephanie. Three people who at this point are closer than blood. All right. Hey, sir, here's your $17.

You know what? You're going to need a gift to give to Gregory. Get him a gift card. Oh, you're giving $17 back? You know what? I've had $17 worth of fun tonight. Let's hope it's a little closer to $30 to 40, maybe 50 after Ticketmaster gets its cut and the homeless gets their beak wet. Besides, I saw a boy turn into a car.

Well, you can't be sure what you saw tonight. Jerry's still out on that one, but all right, Griffin, thank you. Hey, thank you, sir. Griffin, getting a fucking car, man. Let's go to this dumbass part of you. But listen, if you transform into a car again, make sure I can take a picture this time, because that would make me huge on prodigy, man.

I'd be the hit of the whole service. Yeah, see ya. And I go and get in the car. Thanks for the memories. And as our story. Ducees. See you later. I want to be mad at him, but he's so smooth. As our story fates, we see many a scene.

We see a scene of a young man in red plaid, meeting with all his friends, excited to hear the story of his harrowing return to the line. We see... I mean, he leaves out the part where he fucking holds up an 11-year-old with a gun. No, he talks about the terrifying karate the 11-year-old was doing, and it totally sounds like self-defense. And then we see a party.

A birthday party full of cool 11-year-olds. Everyone agrees they're the coolest. An in-warks Griffin and Stephanie and a young man across the room with perfect hair. turns, and just for a second, we see his beautiful face. It's Jonathan Taylor Thomas. And we overhear just a snippet of conversation where he says, yeah, I love music, I just can never find one thing with all the perfect songs on it.

We see MCCM returning to Pompett and Lockett headquarters. Well, such a story to tell. He does get fired. Officer Owens arrest the basketball. ghost for imbezzling and he's remoted and he's remoted to deputy. And he's remoted.

The deputy. And somewhere like 12 year old doc is sleeping. The end. Thank you so much. Maximum fun.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience. Audience supported.

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