The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Presents: The Great Switcheroo of 2015

Episode Date: October 8, 2015

You didn't think our heroes were the only adventurers in the world of The Adventure Zone, did you? In this episode, the hysterical folks from The Flop House take over, introducing the world to a new, lovable trio of mercenaries. Strap in for a two-hour D&D session starring Stuart Wellington as DM, Elliott Kalan as the Dragonborn Bard Jeremy "Scales" Fangbattle, Dan McCoy as High Elf Druid Lucian Buttwatcher and Zhubin Parang as the noble Tanzer Silverview. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on the Adventure Zone, Gundren is suddenly completely engulfed in flames, and he's growing, and bouts of flame are sort of ripping off of his body and cutting entire buildings in half. The three of you dive into the well, and then all of a sudden, all you see is flame above you. Just a giant burst of flame. The entire town where it used to be, you look around, and for about a... a half mile in diameter. All that you can see is black glass, a circle of black glass on the ground.

Well, this all sucks. From the ashes of Fandolin, three new heroes arise. Let's see if the Flop House gang can survive one night in the Adventure Zone. Welcome to the Adventure Zone. My name is Stuart Wellington, formerly of the Flop House podcast. Did you quit? No, I'm just joking. I'm a host of the Flop House.

podcast regularly, but I am stepping in to be your dungeon master today. If you're a follower of the Max Fun line of podcasts, which I'm sure you are, and if you're not, why not? You know that as part of the most recent Max Fun Drive, we decided to do a switcheroo where the hosts of various programs are going to be taking over other programs. So the McElroy's, all four of them, are going to be doing a episode of our show, the Flop-Hass podcast, which is about bad movies. They're going to watch some terrible movie for you.

And we are going to be taking over the duties of the Adventure Zone today, investigating a different dungeon and some other dragons than the ones that you are used to on a, what is it, semi-weekly basis. As I mentioned, I'm Stuart. I'm, I guess, the most experienced with Dungeons and Dragons and games like that, been playing these sort of things since I was in high school. So I guess it was natural that I would take over the role of. Dungeon Master. To my right is...

My name is Elliot Kalan. I am another co-host at the Flop House. I have minimal limited experience with Dungeons and Dragons. I played it a few times in high school, and since then, years later, Stuart pulled me back in with some amazing adventures. I'm still... I'm very forgetful about rules often, so I'm glad that Stewart's running the show, and I'm looking forward to, once again, journeying into the fantasy worlds. I'm Dan McCoy.

My experience with Dungeons and Dragons is mostly that my brothers were into it, and I'm much younger than them, so I never played it with them. But I enjoyed reading the Monster Manual because I just like looking at pictures of monsters, but I really don't have any experience at all. And I'm Jubin Perang, occasional guest on the Flop House podcast, here brought in to help out because I have no experience with Dungeons and Dragons. But I've... You like games. I do. I've played board games. In fact, often, I hear you say on the phone, I don't know who,

how'd you like to play a game? And they always say, absolutely, and we have a great hour or two playing games over the phone. That's what we do now. Okay, so what we're going to do now, guys, before we meet these, the new adventures that are going to find to worm their way into the place of our listeners' hearts, I'm going to set the stage a little bit. So the three of you have been traveling together for some time, It's up to you how long, maybe a year, maybe five years.

Who knows? But we know each other. You know each other. You were attempting to travel to the town of Fandolin, only to find that it is a blighted ruin, has been turned into a plain of black glass, and all of the inhabitants murdered. And the people who weren't murdered,

which I guess we're living outside the town or we're trying to go there to sell stuff. The Fandolin suburbs. Yeah, and the Fahillan suburbs have been streaming away from the town from the ruins in droves. public transportation into Fandolin just cuts off right of the town board. Cuts off right of the town border. So you had to arrange travel away from there.

There was one of those signs that we saw that says you're now entering Fandling where someone's painted on it, like only death or like game over, you know, like in the movies. Or like days since mass death event, like zero. Yeah, they had to cross down. Who goes around and paints these things after? Because everyone's dead. I don't know. Is there a guy who just rooms from town to town? Yeah, the guy who runs the paint shop is like, oh, great, the town does.

I'm going to be selling all my things. So you guys left that. Whatever job prospect you had there clearly has dried up. And you find yourselves in the small town of Hogsbottom. A town famous, I mean, locally. Not a big tourist industry in Hogsbottom. Their primary industry being tanneries and butcher's shops. Ains.

Famous. They have a famous anus. Famous Anus Pork Friday's Aeros. Auxesiring magical hot dogs. You got to go to Famous Anus I don't think I do. It's a website.

So a hogs bottom is currently filled a Burston with refugees of Fandolin. They've set up little tent towns. And you can also, as you enter the town, you see that they're also reinforcing all the defenses. The sheriff of the town, a stout,

gruff-looking dwarf by the name Bartok Rock Splitter is overseeing the labors to reinforce the defenses because as you heard along the road, there have been marauding tribes of goblins plaguing the townsfolk. Just what they need.

Of course, after taking... Is Hogsbottom ever considered an invasion threat from anybody? Would anybody ever want to invade Hogsbottom? I mean, you know, maybe the goblins want all these famous hot dogs we were talking about? Yeah, I guess it's too

I can see there's a lot of refugees there now who might be carrying all their worldly valuables with them. So a place that was once not valuable is now a source for raiding. Exactly. And fine leather goods. Fine leather goods. Coblins love leather goods. They do. And, of course, all the anuses that are ripe for eating and or viewing.

And the thing is, this year's anus crop was a bumper one. There was a huge, if anything, there were great anus is of great quality, and they're worried that the price will actually go down because the quantity was so good. No, the government's going to buy it up and keep them in anus warehouses. They had to build more anus warehouses, yeah. Actually, the government's paying farmers just to burn anus. Just to burn as such waste. You find yourselves in the local tavern, the laughing maid. It is filled with gruffing maids.

Sadly, yeah, it's clearly a misnomer for there are no laughing maids to be found, as it is mainly filled with laborers and merchants who are kind of a little shit out of luck right now because their job prospects have dried up. Why don't we hear a little bit about you guys? Elliot, why don't you describe your dude? Okay. My character, if I could introduce him, is Jeremy Scales, a fang battle. I am a dragon-born bard.

Is Jeremy a family name? Jeremy is a family name, and I don't prefer to be called by it. And you guys having journey with me, know that I hate the name Jeremy, and I prefer to be called by my self-given nickname of Scales, because it means both dragons and music. And that's what I am. I'm a dragon-born, descended from blue dragons. So does that mean you're blue, right?

I'm blue. Dab-a-de-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I didn't even mean for that. I live in a blue house, drive a blue car, blue and this stuff, blues. So that's how that song goes, right? Friendship must be constantly strained every second every day. Well, I'm an outlander, and I was outcast from my people, mainly because of my singing. It's among my family, their family of warriors.

They don't approve of me being a bard, and so I'm trying to win them back. So call me scales. And they haven't invented sunglasses yet, but if they existed, I'd be wearing them. I hope this quest finds you inventing sunglasses. I hope that's the resolution. I mean, there's all that glass. That sounds like an honest quest to have. It is, yeah.

Dan, okay, what's your dude all about? My dude's name is Lucian Buttwatcher. Butwatcher is also a family. I don't understand what's funny about that. I'm a high elf druid hermit, and I am searching for spiritual enlightenment, although what I'm searching for could destroy the world. So I'm not quite sure why...

The world's most beautiful but... I'm not sure why I'm searching for it other than maybe out of curiosity or to protect people from it. What do you look like? What's Lucian butt watch are all about? I have piercing pale green eyes. Okay, that's handsome. As most elves, I am

very old, but I look beautifully young. Yeah. Now is that a spell? Like a Tom Cruise. Yeah, I've got long, silvery hair, even though I'm quite young looking. And as most elves do, I believe that elves are the best thing in the world. And we're super great and everyone else is not great. Okay.

So you guys, already, it sounds like you guys get along really well. Okay, so we got our first two heroes. Jubin, what are you all about? I am Tanzer Silverview of the noble family, the Silverview. Silverview is come from the legend whereby our ancestors could see silver wherever they went and thus got their riches because they were of a better class than other people. That's a legend. That's also the fact. It's where our family got, it's money, and there's no need to discuss it further. I have a truly scandalous secret that could ruin the family on an unrelated

notes. And I am... Seems like interesting to offer us. It's completely unrelated to what I said earlier. And I believe inherently that I'm better than others because of my higher class. But I'm also very, I feel very burdened by my family name, and I want people to know that I'm independent of it, but also part of it, because I get a lot of prestige that way. And again, silver views.

Sure. Come from viewing silver, legendary, in fact. So, yeah, what are you guys doing all together? What are you guys adventuring together for? Well, I... What brings you together? Now, I relate to Mr. Silverview's issues with his family. Sure.

And I also see him... Lord Silver Views. Lord, and I also see the Lord as a possible patron perhaps of mine music uh but watcher I'm not sure exactly what you're doing with us uh although I am a hermit

in my meditations I received uh what I believe to be a vision that tells me that if I really want to seek this spiritual enlightenment and this cosmic truth I need to uh leave my hermitage and go along with these adventurers yeah possibly it's tied in with this

uh Silverview and uh Scales, was it? Scales. Now, despite my cool name, which might sway you, I'm actually kind of a grimace type. I think... Wait, but I thought he was purple. He was. I'm blue, but I...

Dada-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. That I believe a scales... We can edit this out, right? Scales-Fang battle might get us into a bit of trouble once in a while. Sure. Do not edit out my blue song. Okay. I'm between my...

fifth and sixth year in Silverview University. And I'm having my sort of just out and about year. I'm young. I'm handsome. I'm rich. And I'm just out and about having a good time. And also hoping that maybe I can make a name for myself. Yeah, yeah, like I did in between my years at Silverview University.

Yeah, yeah. Trying to nail some broads. The code that you used. That's 100% what I was using and what I'll be pursuing throughout this quest. Okay. So speaking of a quest, you guys are in The Laughing Maid, and you guys are getting a lot of stares. In addition to being outlandish-looking, you also have the look of adventurers about you. You're not the drab-d-dow or commoners that surround you.

Oh, come on. I'm not drab on blue. Da-de-d-d-da-da-da-da-da-da-da. I suggest we go to a different bar. This is kind of drab. It's weird. It's sad. There's probably some sort of cocktail lounge somewhere.

Some place we can really kind of stretch out. What do you guys say? For the more perceptive members of the group, you realize that there were no other bars in Hogs Bottom. I'll say... I'm pretty sure I saw one. Two blocks down. Let's just go back out and we'll walk around. Come on, guys.

This place is fine. I don't mind getting attention. In fact, it's preferable that maybe they look and they see at us. Where's my loot? Hold on. I misplace my pack. I got to get it. As an elf, I listen to the music.

music of the spheres and your song disturbs and annoys me. So as you guys are arguing about this a young kind of doughy, pasty-faced man with thinning hair and a doublet bearing

a symbol of a barrel with an apple on it. The symbol of a local cider works, the Tapwell cider works, approaches you with his hands up and he says, I hope you're not planning. on leaving adventurers.

Why, of course, no. Come on, join us. Yeah. What's your name? My name is Augustus Tapwell. Perhaps you've heard of my family's cider fortune. I have heard of the cider fortune. The Tapwells, yes, and I'm clearly stumbling because I'm just trying to pretend that I know what he's talking about.

I, I, I, we all know, I'm Silverview. So we obviously know each other. We're both rich men of esteem. Where is a cocktail lounge that we can come to? I, I don't know what a cocktail lounge is, but you can get a pint of ale here, my lord. All right, I'll get a pint of ale here. There's no other way around this. Wait, wait, let me buy that for you.

But first, my, my father has a proposition for you three. adventurers. All right. I'm hoping some kind of Broadway show, perhaps starring us. He puts his arms around you and kind of bundles you over to a table in the corner

past the onlookers that are crowding around the other tables. This corner table, though able to accommodate multiple people sitting at it, only has two places set currently. One is a very old man, and the other is a nearly identical

doughy young man to the one that is currently pushing you over to the table. The old man, both of those men are wearing almost identical doublets with the Tapwell logo, and they are digging into a supper in front of them. You are ushered to grab a seat while he orders three tankards of ale from a passing barmaid. Is she laughing? She is not laughing. She is way too, she's in the weeds right now. She has nothing to laugh about.

Do you think perhaps a song would cheer up, or should we focus on the, you know, let's focus on what we're doing right now. I start eating. I start just going right away and eating. Just eating from their plates? From their plates. I have no concern about it. The old man says, I like a man with clearly a large appetite.

The three of you have the look of seasoned adventurers. You have a good eye. We are. We've explored the mountains of destruction, not six weeks prior. I haven't heard of it. Perhaps the three of you can have a seat. My old man ears can't hear you so well. Yeah, sure.

We're not sitting already? You were just eating standing up from his plate. Tipco inferior race. I'm over 100 years old, yet my ears are as strong as ever. Guys, we are being very insulting right now. Perhaps there's an adventure in this With perhaps money And I've talked to you guys about this

In The Long Night's the Road I have a huge desire To provide children for my clan Through the doing of women We've got to find them Sadly there's no women at this table It's just you and two middle-aged men And one very old man

But he's got these two sons I assume So like let's, I mean He knows it So maybe he's got daughters elsewhere too Probably had a wife that created those sons Let's find out You could do her Yeah, I mean, she's probably beyond childbearing age, but I'll figure it out.

Hey, small chance is better than no chance. I sit down. My name is Ambrose Tapwell. Perhaps you've heard of my cider fortune. As we've been through this. As of late, not two nights past, my mansion house, orchard, and cider works were attacked by a marauding band of goblins. Goblins. The worst. Stupid goblins.

Luckily, my retainers sprang in. into action and hustled me and my family to safety, however, allowing my home to be overrun by these creatures. It's a real Toad of Toad Hall type situation. He said referencing a book that didn't exist in this universe. Seems to me we need to hear the goblin's side of the story, but go on. They have no side. They're goblins and I hate them.

Now, in the hustle and bustle, I was not able to take all of my possessions, and I I was hoping that I could find some strong and, well, learned types, experienced types in the ways of adventuring, such as yourselves, to break into my home and retrieve an item for me. I would be willing to pay you, although I think the knowledge that you've done a good deed should be payment itself. This home, what's it like? Is it a typical shack that seems like it would be easy to break into, or are we talking? More of a fortress sort of thing. I mean, you referred to it as a mansion house. Oh, okay.

It's a simple manor house. It should be easy to get to. In fact, I would assume the goblins may have already gotten bored and left. Otherwise, you'll have to sneak past or murder them. Well, sounds like a pretty easy job. I mean, it would work great as verse 277 of the epic song I've been writing about our adventures. I embroidered a little bit. But, you know, I'll probably double the number of goblins.

As long as you're not singing the first. 276 verses as we're going through. I think we can easily get through this. In fact, I can do that just for you. Oh, here's story of three friends true. One of them blue da-da-de-dab-da-da-da-da-da. Three and a half hours later. Well, that was your epic story, Mr. Ambrose.

It was mostly about the color of the dragon boar. I mentioned some of the stuff we fought. It has a melody that I find catchy and yet incredibly irritating. Oh, yeah, it'll stick with you for days. Now, about this house and the job they're in, I love doing things for the good of them, but you did mention you would hire us for, I assume, a fee of some kind.

Well, young lizard man, you strive a hard bargain. And I will ignore the racism of that remark. You're right. I'm willing to offer you, it is a pittance to lordly folks such as you, but how about 75 gold pieces each? We try and contain my excitement.

Yes, pittance. It's very little, but, you know, we're not doing it for the money. I would cover another year at Silverview.

That is totally a pittance to you. You wipe your ass with 75 gold pieces. To me, a guy's only got 10 gold pieces on me. That's a... Now, I'd hate to, I'd hate to insult you, so I'd be willing to give you

25 each up front. Yeah, should we, Guys, should we haggle for some more? What should we do? I could just give each of them. So we have an accord. Do we need to fill out of paperwork, or is a gentleman's agreement appropriate?

Well, our families obviously are of the same class, so I see no reason for paperwork. I am amazed that you feel that way. I do not. I am very ignorant as to noble men. No, no, he's very stupid. I assume people, when they say they're of high class, are, and so I believe our families should agree to a gentleman's agreement.

So I've added, by the way, 25-fold pieces to my match. I'm already on board. Since now, to give you a bit of information, my home is about a day's travel from Hogs Bottom. The item in question is located inside a chest buried in the northern. Northeast corner of my cellar. Northeast corner of the cellar. It's not a particularly heavy chest, or one of you strapping adventurers

could carry it without much trouble. So it's not that big? No. And what's in it? If you must know, there's important documents. Do you want the chest too, or just the documents?

The chest, please. It also has personal effects. Okay. All right. Probably in Ireland or something. This does not. seem suspicious than I take to it face back.

Now, if you, I could give you directions, or if you insist, you could take one of my two sons with you. I care not which, but you must leave me one. Oh, I need to have an air. Don't worry. We don't want to bring both of those guys with us. Both of the Pillsbury

Doe Twins. They both look at you, kind of nervously, fearing goblins. Should we bring either of these two guys? It would help us find the way, faster. And if we get attacked, we can push one of them. That's true. That's a very good point. You could absorb a lot of

goblin darts. All right. We'll take whichever one of your sons you care for the least, you choose. You're having trouble remembering which one talked to you in the first place. I'm sure it was that guy. Why did they both have to sit down? He says,

whichever one of you two finishes your dinner first doesn't have to go. And the two of them dig in with abandoned that is almost frightening. Do I take out my loot and play some dinner at music? You know I do. This is the invention of the eating content.

You guys are seeing all of history today. Of course, so it turns out that Archie Tapwell is going to be accompanying you. It looks very disappointed. Luckily for you, despite the fact that this town is full, and it sounds like that the hotel is full as well, the inn that you're in the In of the Laughing Maid, I think I mentioned that. Tapwell actually makes sure there is a room set aside for the three of you to sleep in.

So I'm assuming you go right to bed immediately, or do you go about drinking and hoaring away that 25 gold pieces you just got? Do have 25 new gold pieces. I tipped 25 gold pieces to the bartender, so I already lost the money. I care for it that little. Should we just go to bed and get on with this adventure? You are treated very well. At first, he thinks you are punking him. He looks around for a video camera.

He realizes not, and then he decides he's going to close the bar the next day forever and go away. Oh, gosh. Shut down. You've destroyed the economy. Well, I don't need sleep. I only need to meditate for four hours, but sure, why not? Okay. You sit over them watching them?

Creepy, but it's never not been creepy, and we've been together for a long time. I take the prettiest girl there to bed with me and we spend the night. They are disappointing. I do it all to say. It is that easy? We could just say it? Well, I mean, they're... I go up to them and I say, I'm...

Okay, charisma check. Yeah, let's do a charisma check on this one. I'm assuming we're going to use persuasion. Persuasion. And you know what? Because you are clearly of nobility, I'm going to give you advantage on this die roll. So you're going to roll two dice and pick the highest. Okay.

So what I do is I walk up to a girl and say, excuse me, I'm Tanzor Silverview of the Silverviews. Here's my room key. I get a 20. Oh, man. So you just roll a 20. Now, 20 is the best thing you could possibly roll. This woman goes to the bedroom that you share with your two friends. Well, two can play at this game.

I creepily watch while meditating. Scales. Two can play at this game. and I need to provide children for my tribe. Time to impregnate one of these dull barmaids. So I go up to the one that's left. I assume there's not probably not more than two. Now, sadly, there's only two left, and this one is a little grumpier.

You're going to have disadvantage on this dog. Oh, boy. So you roll two dice and take the lowest. Okay. I rolled a 20. Oh, no, the lowest, which is an eight. But I have plus three to charisma. Does that help?

That's true. And do you have persuasion, I think, would be the appropriate skill? I do not have that as a skill. So you're not as charming as you assume you are. I do have performance, though. Could I perhaps sing or a song? I'm the piano dragon. Except it's a loot.

She rebuffs me, but then I pull out my loot. Okay. She rebuffs you. You pull out your loot, and she continues rebuffing you. And unfortunately, it doesn't look like you're going to get lucky tonight. Oh, too bad. You'll have to wait until the next day when you roll again. So I'll just go up to our room and watch my friend, Tank.

The thing is... Or try to sleep while he's... I assume sharing a bed with me. Yeah, it's just one giant bed. That's how they did it in D&D. And I rolled a 20, so the sex goes on for hours. Hours and hours during the night. You're going to have to roll a separate rule, but we'll do that.

We'll do that when we're not recording. Well, that's been great. Let's just keep rolling to see we've seen these ladies for the rest of the day. Okay, fine. I stop off the dead. We're still in the tavern, guys. We're getting up to a roaring start of this adventure. skip to

Is there some way we go to go to sleep and skip to tomorrow? So the next morning you wake up

to the crowing cock of Tanzor yeah uh y' Adventures 3 and Archie

Tapwell because he's picked up an STD of some kind you set off for the tapwell

Archie wasn't in the room with us was he no he was he was sharing a bed with his dad and his brother

everyone heard everyone in the tavern heard I got to go to a pharmacy I am burning

there apothecary. Yeah, I think apothecary in D.D. So you guys set off. I'm assuming you're traveling by road unless you want to travel over land following the river. Is there, is one way quicker than the other?

Does any of you guys want to make a survival? Do you guys have high survival? It's a wisdom. I mean, I have, survival is one of my talents that I'm proficient in, I guess. I have wisdom, but I do not have survival. You can't Take care of yourself.

I've got book smart. You can try and lead them over land if you'd like, but there's a chance it would slow you down as you lead them astray. And you know what? I don't know the way anyway, because Archie's the guy who's leading us. So why don't we stick to the road? So you travel by a road. Until we get to the house, there's probably no need to start hiding, right? Yeah, you probably don't need to hide unless you're fearing an ambush.

Which I'm not. You're not fearing an ambush. You don't fear anything. No. Anyone who has fear in their lives would not have had sex with that barmen. I have the whitest, gaudiest horse. You have no horse. You have no horse at all.

You traded your family horse for, I'm guessing, your, I don't know. You gave your horse away as a tip, I would imagine. Assuming you'll get another one. I bring it up a lot, though, that I used to have. Very fancy horse. What was the name of your beautiful horse? Stone Gander's got a character. Yeah, what was the name of your horse?

It was Clops a lot And it Named him as a child A man was a child 400 year old horse Has defined characteristics In three generations of the family

Yeah, it's defining characteristics Right there in the name Yeah So you guys travel for most of the day You probably take a brief break To eat some trail rations Sure, sure I gotta practice my lute And you, I guess, enjoy the scenery

As it is late It's late autumn you can tell that Tapwell is annoyed that his son Archie explains that part of the reason they're so frustrated is that these goblins scared off whatever workers we're going to be picking the apples to prepare for this year's cider crop, which is what their fortune is based on. After traveling for most of the day, the sun is starting to set when you are able, when Tapwell Manor comes into view. Now, Tampwell Manor is a plot of land that's divided in the middle with a creek, a stream. On one side is a two-story manor house done in a somewhat modern fashion. Sitting next to the manor house is a stable. Opposite the creek is the large orchard that you can tell is what the cider works comes from.

The source of the Tapwell Billions. Yep, the zillions. I'm slowly starting to realize the family's not as rich as I'm. There's also on the side of the orchard, there's also a two-story building with a water wheel that you're assuming is where the cider is made. And there's a low stooped ceiling building that you can only imagine is where the workers have to sleep when they're working at the orchard. That's where they would follow the cider house rules. There is a... I was waiting how long it was going to be

before you made a joke about that. Did your character make that joke? Yeah, you did. But nobody understands it. I assume that... It's the second time you've done something like that. You must have some sort of future perception. I live in a rich fantasy world

that happens to bear an amazing resemblance to the world that we live in as real people. So the entire state is protected by a simple, like, double log fence. And the grounds, the woods has been cleared away from the grounds itself, but the woods kind of inch up all the way up to the fence. So it wouldn't be that hard for you guys to sneak up to the fence. Is there a gate?

There is a open gate. There's no gate. There's just a arch. Okay. Sitting in front of that arch, you can see quickly collecting flies is the corpse of a horse lying in the middle of the road, which when Archie sees that, he stiffens and hanging above that...

Wait, like in fear, not in like arousal. He is not aroused at all. He is not into that. I don't know what they do on the bottom. He likes living horses. So, and hanging above that horse from the arch that says Tapwell farms on it

is, looks like a pair of human-shaped bodies swinging in the wind with air. sticking out of them with bags on their heads. Now, to further describe the thing you're seeing, you can also see a single stream of smoke gently flowing out of the chimney of the manor house.

Oh, cozy. And you also see some shadows out in the orchard that you can only assume are goblins, as well as a three-figures digging over by, just behind the manor house. They're digging right by a tree that overhangs the property. There's three of them. They're digging with shovels.

And there's, from the mounds of earth, it looks like they've been digging for quite some time. And you can see a single lone figure dressed in rusted and tattered armor, carrying a spear, patrolling the, slowly going in a circuit patrolling the fence, standing next to,

walking next to a mastiff hound. Is he alone? He uses, yep, well, except for the mast of hound. Does any of us have any idea where that sphere might be? The sphere? Yeah. What sphere? The guy had.

Spear. Oh, sphere. I think it's a sphere. He's carrying a magic sphere. I don't know it's on Dungeons and Dragons. I probably meant, I probably said sphere when I meant spear. I'm getting so excited because you've just gotten to the goblin. I think it's probably a spear of some sort.

Albert spear. A pointy stick. Can I ask something as a human, Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, let's take a pause, Dan. What's going on? Yeah, Hubey. Now, to do, like, a perception check, like, what does that do that just, like, seeing something doesn't do? Yeah, so, basically you would be saying, I want to be, I want to examine something in a little more detail, and we would either say perception is kind of more of a passive thing.

Investigation is probably a little better. Right. But perception is something that I would have you check, that I would kind of determine you would roll. So it would be in case you might miss a detail. Can one of us look at that hole that they seem to be digging and see what's... Seems like that's a far end. From your angle, you'd have to get a little bit closer. I'm guessing...

We turn Archie to go look at that horse and see if it's a trap. You can also see tied up next to the... You can see tied up next to the building with the water wheel. There's a flat barge that they clearly use to transport. Cegs of cider all the way back. to Hogs Bottom, downriver. So that's a good escape thing, maybe. And that's just sitting there idle?

Yeah, it's tied up. The goblins haven't. The goblins haven't co-opted the business. Yeah, haven't turned into a party barge yet. Do it into the beast just driving around? You're selling people drinks, like blast music. Jerks. Making more profit than the Staples ever did.

I don't know why we don't just let the goblins have it. I don't, I, to say we, maybe we should send Archie to investigate the horse, draw the attention away from the... And then we see. You've got to get to the basement of the house. We've got to get rid of that guard first, right? So I wonder if he draws the attention of the guard. We then can kill the guard.

What if we sent him to go talk to the guard? And see if he can find a way in. I would like to sacrifice Archie for a more valuable purpose later on. Right now, all three of us can take the guard. He said, by the way, I'm whispering this loudly enough for Archie to hear. He's getting increasingly more nervous, although he still kind of zones out every once in a while. He starts looking at stuff around. We can easily kill the guard.

I say we'd kill the guard. Have Archie walk ahead of us to set off any traps. We'd have to kill him fast enough that he would not raise an alarm. Yeah, quietly. And there's a dog with him. Now, I could, I don't, now my lightning breath is not powerful enough to kill both of them in one blast. If only it was. Fog cloud, which creates a 20-foot radius sphere of fog, center on a point within range, which maybe we could use.

And who would, and who would, suspect a moving cloud of fog. Well, it doesn't move. It stays in one place. Oh, I see. But that would be great. So should we sneak around the guard? But it's starting to get darker.

It's, you know. Actually, yeah. So should we sneak around the guard and just walk up to the fence? You try. Yeah. Yeah, let's try it. Why not? All right.

Okay, so wait for the guard to kind of walk past and then you... Yes. Okay. Now, are you guys going to try and sneak up toward the gate, like the front? Or are you going to try a direct- How far is the gate from the house? It's about 60 feet. Okay.

Because if like is there a point in the fence that's closer to the house? Would we try to like climb over part of it and get to the house? We could have less distance to the house. There's not a part of the, the closest spot is the gate. And also you could also possibly wait for the guard to be obscured by the stables or the house. And at the angle we approach the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the. Or their digging will not see us. You could approach in an angle where the goblins wouldn't see you.

Those goblins. Do we want to invest? Yeah, there's goblins probably everywhere. Lousy with goblins probably. Goblins all around. So would, do we want to investigate that hole? I mean, we got it. Let's just go to the basement.

We're not being, look, I'm all about the good stuff and doing good things for people, but we're not being paid to save his house from goblins. He wants that chest full of documents. Now, my character would risk. too much to uncover lost knowledge. I don't know whether what's in that hole. I mean, I don't think it's like an ancient artifact or some snatch of scroll or something,

but I wonder whether I'm extra curious about it. I mean, it sounds, there's three goblins are entrancer, this digging of a hole. Now, keep in mind, my flaw is that violence is my reaction to any challenge. So I'm also kind of itching to fight a bunch of goblins, but I want to keep my eyes on the prize. here.

The prize is that. Archie seems to support this. You guys kill the goblins, but he also doesn't want to be, he doesn't want to risk himself. So he would supervise the killing of the goblins? He would appreciate it, yeah. Well, if those are three goblins are alone,

then yeah, let's walk up and try and see if we can kill those three govins and see what's in that sweet hole. I think at the very least. We already been so quickly distracted from, like. Wait, you said something about a hole. We've got to go, we've got to fill that hole back up, right? Is that our mission? Or should we just go

These moronic goblins Are digging holes all over the What if we wait for the guard To go around where you can't see us We go at an angle where the goblins digging the hole Can't see us And we try to make a break for the gate And get to the house

All right We can run for it We'll deal with that hole later on That hole is getting looked at at some point Oh no We'll definitely check me out that hole I think I think

Was it Lucian Yeah Lucian butt watcher has an interest in holes So we'll see it All right I don't get your joke. Okay, so you guys are going to wait for him to pass, and then you are going to creep up stealthily on the house?

Okay, so that's, now what we're going to do is we're going to do a group check to see how stealthy you are. Are you going to bring Archie with you, or are you going to leave him in the woods? He seems like the sort of guy who just stumble over his own feet. Yeah, is there a way we can send him over the hole and ask him to take a look at and see if, although I guess, again, it's, we don't want to sacrifice. He's not. Can we leave him somewhere as a lookout? I don't know how useful that would be.

He tends to go into fugues where he just stops paying attention. You can do whatever you want. You just got to tell him what to do. I wonder if he seems pretty amicable to you guys, being that he's talking to a dragon man, an elf, and a guy who's above him stationed. So he'll do pretty much whatever we tell. But he knows the woods presumably better than we do.

So I'm wondering if we can... He knows, and he also knows the house that he lives in that area. So he probably is more of benefit with us in the woods. Let's take him with us. Okay. Big mistake. You guys lost the adventure. No.

I'm just joking. The game's still going to go. So what we're going to do now is we're going to do a group check. To do a group check, everybody rolls a stealth check, and I need the majority of you guys to successfully pass the against the target number. So to roll stealth check, you are going to roll, I believe that is a, da-da-da-da-da-da. Is it dexterity? Yes. Okay.

And if you're proficient in stealth, add plus two to whatever. your dexterity and die roll it. Now, I have a plus two to dexterity, but I am not proficient in stealth. That's fine. Just roll your, you just get your dexterity on us. Okay. 16, 19. Oof, that was bad. I'm going to re-roll because mine hit the microphone. That doesn't count. It still counts. So what's your total, guys?

Five? I got a five plus two, so seven. Seven? So I got a three plus two, so five. I'm 19. You are amazing. You are 19. I'm carefully walking to the woods while you guys are fell in trees behind me. So what happens? I stumble over my lute strings.

As you guys are creeping up. This has never happened to be before. I am a master of the woods and nature. As you guys are creeping up, you're passing the corpse of the horse when the blanket of flies that is covering the horse erupts in a cloud. And Archie goes,

Ah! Thanks, Archie. They're just flies. Now, in that moment of terror, because you realize that you may have attracted the goblins. I want all of you guys to make a perception check. The sound of dice rolling. 12.

Is that with the wisdom? Yep, it's plus your wisdom bonus. Okay, so I have 16 plus 1, 17. 13 plus I get 4. Okay, so 17. 17. 12. Okay. I've got to do math.

Simple arithmetic. Literally the simplest. Okay, so who was in the lead? You're doing great. Who was in the lead of your little group? I assume I was, because that was the only one not tripping over everything. So which of you guys was then in the marching order? I think I was next.

Okay. So you notice, you're totally oblivious to this. Okay. You notice the curtain shift in the second floor of the house. Oh. Somebody has taken notice. Somebody's up there and sees it. And Dan, you notice, as you guys are passing under the arch, that those bodies of people that have been shot with arrows look a little bit weird.

and as you investigate, you realize that they're just dummies stuffed with straw. Oh, these might be nicer govlins than we thought. And the blood is smeared cherries all over their chests. Wait a minute. Did we stumble into a haunted house? What are you guys talking about? Let's keep going. Hey, there's somebody in the second, I'm whispering, there's somebody in the second floor of the house.

They looked at us through a curtain. Do you notice anything about Watcher, some butts or something? I noticed that those corpses are an even lower form of life than not else. They're just straw people. Okay, so something seems amiss about this. So we turn on Archie, right? Like, Archie's got to know what the fuck's going on. I mean, we still see that...

Whoa, what? He's just got scared by a cloud of flies, and there's a ton of goblins over. What's at these damn scarecrows? I don't know. The goblins must have put him near. Maybe we should find cover somewhere, since I think we're just standing at the arch right now. Yeah. All right.

Let's run into the cover of the woods. Or run away. I like this suggestion. I think if we run away. I've got to get out of here. Guys, I've got so much money. I'll give you 25 coins. Why are you even adventuaries?

When people ask us why the brave adventurers ran away from the gob of the house, we tell them we saw two scare crows. Are you a crow? They were hanging. They were hanging from an arch. They had cherry blood on the Lucy and told me. Tanzir. That's her name, right? Tanzer.

Tanzer. Of the silver views. Because we can see silver. Oh, yeah. Tell you what, why don't we try to rush to the house? Just make a break for it? I agree with Jeremy. Scales, please.

I don't understand your puns. Scales for music and scales like dragon scales. Steel doesn't make... It's perfect. I don't understand. It's not sinking in. Just pretend it's a nonsense word that you just call me by. Scales.

But your given name is Jeremy. Okay. Let's run to the house. We'll talk about this later. Let's run up there, Archie, leading the way to get us to open the door. Archie should open the door. So you push him to the front? Yeah.

Okay. And he's like, uh, trying to back a little bit. There's no stealth anymore. We might as you guys are running up. As you guys are running up, you clearly haven't attracted to the intention of the patrolling goblin or the ones digging. But as you're running up, you're about 30 feet away when the door bursts open and three short figures dressed in goblin armor with like with pale, greasy little faces come storming

out. Seems like a bit too much. Okay, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be so mean to go out. I'm disgusted. They come storming out and down the short steps from the doorway. two of whom are brandishing small crossbows, and one of them is carrying a rusted, like a cleaver weapon,

and they come running out and they go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And they're like shaking their weapons, and two of them are pointing their weapons at you. I understand goblins, so I should know what they're... Okay. It turns out they're saying, blah, blah. The thing is, they're speaking gibberish.

They are definitely not speaking goblin. Okay, something seems amiss. I don't think these are goblins, dudes. They're dressed up, right? They're definitely... We're in goblin armor. Does that... So, Lucian, you're saying that's not goblin their speaker?

They're not speaking goll. Say, yell something at them in goblins. Say, like... Oh, yeah. Yeah, yell something at them in Goblins. Lusian. We mean you no harm. Don't?

No. Okay, these are not goblins, dudes. Hold on, hold me say something. I'm Tansor Silverview. Of the Silverview. It's not helpful. What language are you speaking? Uh, common.

They pause for a second The silver views One of them fires a crossbow bolt Into the ground near you guys All right Kicking up Kicking up dust What do you want to do?

Okay first I'm going to turn to Archie And I'm going to say what is going on Archie Why don't we all It sounds like you guys are suspicious of what's going on How about you all get to make not you, Lord's overview. You two guys get to make investigation checks. Okay.

Sure. One. You, they seem to be goblins to you. What are you? Nothing's a miss. I have a 14. Okay. You can tell, you actually can tell that underneath that armor and all the grease paint that these goblins are actually halflings.

Oh, hey, I speak halfling. They were not speaking hafla. No, no, but I can talk to them. You could, yeah, theoretically. Yeah. Do I want to? Yeah. It's up to you.

Like, hey, guys, I can see you're not goblins. What's going on in Halfling? They stop their angry gesticulating. Look at each other. And then you hear one of them say, wait a minute. They speak Halfling. I think the ruse is up. The other one says, okay, I'll go get Jacob.

And one guy goes running into the house. Okay. Guys, they're going to go get Jacob. Archie says, what are you doing? Kill those guys. Well, should we... Well, should we... He's hiding behind you.

All right, that's fair. Archie, were you actually here when this attack happened, the supposed attack, or did you just hear about it from your dad? I was here. It was just late with the fire and the screaming. We ran out of there as fast as we could.

Archie, was this... Was the Tauprooks insured ahead of time? Archie, are you stupid? Look, we don't have to... And we know the answer to that. Is this quest going to end an insurance fraud? That's what I'm starting to think.

I'm starting to think I might not write a verse about this adventure for our epic song, which begins, hear the story of Travelers 3. Wait, that's not how the song goes. Let me, wait, let me. While you're arguing about your song, and then rhymes with blue.

You guys see an older, more, let's say more stately goblin halfling, comes down the step. He has big, bushy, gray sideburns that are sticking. out from underneath his goblin helmet that has a pair of like a ram's horns on it to make him look more intimidating. Very impressive.

And he comes down and he's followed by somebody that you assume is his brother. They share a passing resemblance. But he has dark bushy black eyebrows and is scowling it you guys and he is carrying a big club. Well, the older one... Dan, you take that guy. We have to... I mean Lucian.

The older one who is clearly, this Jacob they talked about. He comes walking out and he says, in common, he says, it appears that our ruse has been seen through. He comes striding toward you guys. Yeah, exactly. Yes, that is exactly what has happened.

So if you could explain the situation to us. It appears that we found ourselves at an impasse. We have. So, I mean, we came here, well, you tell us, actually, what's going on. Archie, why don't you explain what's going on? Yeah, the person least equipped to explain anything. Archie says, I don't know what's going on.

And the halfling says, They brought a tap well with them. They're working for the tap wells. Uh-oh. Maybe we should left Archie in the woods. No, no. Let me be clear about one thing. Yes, we were hired by the tap wells,

but we want to know what's going on. Because, hey, you know, you know what? Maybe you guys are on their side of right on this one? We were hired under false. pretences. They said that you were goblins who killed everybody. And I can see that these men are made of straw. The lowest form of men.

Well, if they said that we killed anybody, they are liars. The only casualty was... The only casualty was poor. Buttercup, I believe, her name was. Oh, the most beautiful of all horse names. I once had a horse myself. Clops a lot,

I called him. I gave him away as a tip for at a restaurant once when I drunk and I'll never forget it. If I could take a moment to sing a madrigal about this about the buttercup. Oh, let me tell you a song of There is not a dry eye when you finish your madrigal, which is now.

It's finished. By the end of your song, everyone is arm and arm, swaying side to side singing this song. Oh, thank you, thank you. Scales Fang Battle, that's the name to remember, scales. Scales, Fangbanger. Bang Battle. Just joking. We don't make fun of names here.

is a safe place. Thank you. So, uh... Now that we've all become friends, we just ask that we allow... You allow us to enter the house, retrieve an object, and we'll be on our way. And you can run this type of old manors for all we care.

Look, pretend to be goblins, to your heart's content. There's no judgment here. Of course, friend. And it's interesting that you mention that you're looking for an object, for we are looking for the same thing. Come, let's go eat and share some meat and mead.

Um... Sure. Hey, everyone. It's me. Hey, Griffin, your old pal and your old dungeon master. Look at you, Cheat-Nami. Listen to other people's adventures. No, that's fine. We invited them into this house, and we hope that you have enjoyed it.

I know I certainly have. I listened to it on a plane ride, just front to back, and I got a lot of chuckles out of it. I think they did a great job, and I prayed to God that they never opened up their own Dungeons and Dragons podcast, or we are out of business. If you miss hearing my voice and the voices of the rest of my dumb family, you can hear us on the Flop House this week.

The episode's going to be up this Saturday. We were honored to be invited to take part in the most exalted of holidays, which is Shocktober. And God, we watched the worst movie I've seen in a very long time, and I still have not recovered from the bad vibes that it gave me. So that'll be out Saturday, and make sure you look it up. We'll make sure to retweet it and do all that stuff. I think everybody who's been tweeting about the show

and sending us their sweet fan art. I want to give a special shout out to Caleb Snyder. He's at Caleb Snyder on Twitter. He's been doing daily fan art of stuff from the show. It's really, really great. He did a Clark drawing. They really won me over. I'm not saying that that sort of behavior is going to definitely get you a name on the show.

But if you want to get a name on the show, just treat about the show using the Zonecast hashtag. And you might end up as an NPC in the next chapter, which is going to be coming up real soon. We've got maybe one or two more episodes left up in the current campaign. campaign arc, which we're going to get back to. And then it's on to, on a new story arc. Same characters, just the next chapter in the Grand Relic saga. Oh, and if you're wondering if this episode is canonical or not, it absolutely is,

and I'm already trying to think a ways to include these characters in my campaign, which I'm going to have to negotiate with the Flap House Guys' IP lawyers. I have a personal message here. If you want to get a personal message on the show, good news. We've got slots available. go to maximum fun.org slash jumbotron and you find out exactly how to get your spots on the show. This one is for Canoodle Bear and it's from Ross and Mishka who say, Happy Anniversary Canoodle Bear, I, Ross, love you more and more and more and more and more every year.

I added a few extra mores in there. Didn't charge you per word for those mores. That was on me. Mishka probably will too, but this is still her first year. Driving around with you and listening to The Adventure Zone is one of the best parts of week and I couldn't think of a better way to express my love for you than through Griffin. Bezo, Bezo, Bezo, Bezzo! I don't know what that means. I put like an Italian accent on it, I guess, is what that was? Because it just sort of, that's how it hopped off the page, I mean. Give me one second, listening to audience. Just going to check and see if Bezo is some sort of inside joke between these two, if it's an actual word and a foreign language.

And it does mean kiss. I can confirm it does mean kiss. I took Spanish classes for like eight fucking years. There's no way that I shouldn't know that. Ridiculous. My brain is a dumpster. Got another personal message here, and it's for corn dogs. And it's from Shana, who says, this is a poem to be read by two brothers.

Sorry, there's just one of me, but I'll do a fun voice. Your moment. May fly month. Your hour. May fly year. your trifling day, your life, we're Mayflies. It actually says that both people are supposed to do where Mayflies, but I don't have one of those weird demonic double throats.

Happy birthday, mind sweet corn dogs. Sorry, I'm on my own crusade and not goofing with you in real time on your special day. I love you very much and hope no one kills me before you do. That's a nice little arrangement you got there, Corn Dogs and Shana, and now I feel weirdly complicit in it, and I have to go call my lawyer just to make sure that I'm still okay. If you enjoy this episode and of course you are, definitely go check out the Flop House if you're not listening to it.

It's one of my favorite shows. It's one of a few shows that I listen to every time a new episode comes out. They're really great guys, really, really funny. And go check out the other maximum fun shows. This might be kind of a weird week for you to experiment with the new shows because we're all switching podcasts this week. my brother, my brother, me, bros, me, Justin and Travis, we switched and did Jordan Jesse go. And Jesse and Ria Butcher from Wayne Ben Powell and Dave Holmes from International Waters.

Did my brother and my brother and me. We all switched and there's some interesting experimentation going on. But next week we'll be back to business as usual. And two weeks we'll be back with a new episode of the Adventure Zone. I know it's been a little while since we've had like an episode that the four of us did. but it's given me a lot of time to write some new stuff that I'm really, really, really excited about. I wrote the whole next campaign arc

and sort of the whole, the whole storyline as a whole. I'm really, really excited to get back to work. So, yeah, next episode's going to be up on October 15th, and I will see you then. You're bustled into the dining, always. Because it's much easier than waiting for you guys to do it. Like, you guys to agree to it. So, roughly a dozen of these halfling goblins kind of push you into the dining room.

You can tell as you pass through the various rooms of the manor, you realize... Can we just talk on them halfling goblins? There are havelings and goblin face. We're called them haveling. It's offensive. The halflings push... It's clear that they actually haven't been... They haven't been destroying the house.

The kitchen is in excessive use. There's an older female halfling who is... cooking up a storm and it smells delicious. Oh, I'll remember her for later. As you're walking toward the dining room, you do pass a study that has been ransacked. You can see papers lying around the floor. The desk has been overturned. And you can only assume that more of this is going on upstairs.

You can hear halflings rifling through cupboards. And don't think we haven't forgotten about that hole they were digging. Always the back of my mind is that hole. Every time we pass a window I'm looking out that you see that hole. Someday. Dan is just as a face pressed up against it.

I see a hole I want to get it. The As you as you share guest rights and drink of the drink of the cider of the house and a delicious apple-based meal that is provided

I'm guessing some kind of pork with apples. That's good with apples, right? That's fine, yeah. I'm assuming an apple cobbler. I know there's a pie or a cobbler of something. Yeah, absolutely. Apple computers. Yep, that's the only kind of computers that they do their books on.

It's very expensive, though. They're expensive computers. Oh, yeah. So Jacob Red Cheek, as he introduces himself, tells you a sad story about how his great-grandfather, Zachariah Red-Cheek, once owned this land. and he was approached by a young up-and-coming cider merchant by the name of Tapwell who offered to buy this farm. Unfortunately, well, yeah, unfortunately, Zachariah turned down that offer,

and Tapwell returned a few days later with armed mercenaries who slew most of the family and burned his home to the ground. Horrifying. Red Sheek and his brothers were bustled away. It was bustling. In the bustling town of Hogsbottom. When we hear this, we all turn at Archie and stare at him. Very accusing me. He is enjoying his cobbler.

He really zones out. He at first tried to go up to his bedroom. The Havlings were not letting him do. He tried to argue, but all my stoves up there. What night night? He's right back in his routine. I got school, what in the morning? Could I have some warm melt?

Apple milk. So Jacob Redcheek, his brother Darius, who you realize is the older grouchy halfling with the black bushy eyebrows, who scowls every time people say every time his brother tells a new terrible thing about the tap wells. You find out that this family has been traveling about trying to stay one step ahead from these. half-well murderers, and living off the land until years and years later, now fully grown adults with children of their own. Jacob and Darius, Red Sheek, came upon a little plan when they found a failed ambush with many dead goblins lying by the side of the road on the way to Fandolin, clearly murdered by three very powerful adventurers. Yeah. Some kind of adventure in a zone.

Maybe. So they use this goblin armor that they found And a bunch of other goblin armor they found To set up a little Like a little bit of play acting I guess To try and scare the tap wells off their land And they're hoping that if they search the manor house They can find the original deed of ownership to the land

That proves that the red cheek halflings Are the owners of this orchard Guys, I think that's in that box in the basement So what was it that you were looking for? Should we tell them what we're looking for? looking for her? Well, I feel like by this giving way our only card, right? We should probably... Well, how do we know that nobody got hurt in your raid on this house? Jacob, Red Sheik says, well, of course nobody was hurt. Did they tell you anybody who actually

was killed? I mean, they didn't give us any name. I sort of don't remember. In your search for knowledge, you've forgotten what happened the day before. I wasn't saying that much. The vision of Tarzan having sex with a barma, it has erased all you memory. If any of you guys doubt him, you are allowed to make an insight check to see if he is telling the truth. Okay, I want to do that too. I've got proficiency in that. I don't.

I got 16. I got a 9 plus 4. I got 13. He doesn't need a roll because he's telling the truth, it appears. Like Daredevil. We listen to it. a heartbeat. That's what he does?

Yeah, yeah. Here's a pulse gel. Well, look, we've already gotten 25 gold pieces each from... Why do we call it a day? But we could help these people prove that it's their land. Even better, we could charge them more gold pieces to give them the information about where the deed is. It's not...

A little bit of double-dip... I'm trying to help you guys out. It seems not very heroic. That's how rich people get rich is by swindling... Yeah, this is a problem. Yeah, you guys don't see angles in this whole thing. Mr. What was your name? Maybe we'll help you if we can get a look at that hole.

Just let us dip our beaks in it. That's what we mean. We mean the hole. Two questions. Two questions. What was your name again? Jacob. Red cheek.

Red cheek. I'm sorry, I should have remembered because your cheeks are so rosy. Two questions. One. And they're getting rosier as he drinks more of this delicious tapwell cider. If we were in position to help you with some information, We're not asking to sell it. That would not be heroic,

but might there be perhaps some reward or show of your gratitude? And secondly, what's in that whole website? The whole room gets quiet, and then Darius Red Sheek turns to Jacob and says, Of course, I knew they were mercenaries. Mercenaries is a harsh word. We're adventurers. We never disguised herself as anything else.

We said that the Tapwell's head hired us for a job, and we now think it was under false pretenses. Look, sisters are doing it for them. themselves. Jacob Red Cheek says, Darius, let us hear them out. What do you, you say you, do you know where the deed is? We, no one said that. We know and said that, but we may have a clue.

Is that a legally binding thing you said? I'm not a lawyer. I wouldn't know. I'm an artist. And as an artist, I like to play things as they go and not worry about the rules. Although, the funny thing about the art is you really need to know the rules of the piece very well, before you can play around with them. I'll let me explain through the use of song. Now, if I'm just playing this song normally, Bap, pop, pop, pop, I've got to go.

As scale starts playing, I'm going to try and slowly sneak out and see if I can find an entrance to the basement. So you're trying to distract them. I'm not trying to. I'm just explaining how, what I was going to explain was how ragging a song adding little extra skips and beats and things like that

changes it. I personally find him very deep. distract. This is knowledge. You should be so happy about this. I'm dropping real knowledge on these fools. Not fools. Good guys.

I'm going to say that he's helping you. So you get to do a assisted, you get advantage on this stealth roll. Can I have another one of these? Yeah. Tanzer gets to roll stealth. Six and a two. Not amazing.

Cong, you knock a pie fan over. These are loaded. Everybody is. Everybody is. Apple juice. You bump into the old woman who's cooking and knock her into a stove. My biscuits are burning.

So, of course, everybody stops. Record scratch. I was talking. Going somewhere? No, I, where's your bathroom? Where's the restroom? Oh, uh, Zach, take him over. to the bathroom.

So one of the halflings hops up and takes you by the hand. It's kind of like a weird child man. He's taking it over to the bathroom. Like normally, rolls are reverse, but it's cool. I'm protesting along the way. I can go myself. I don't need this.

I'm fine. Look, Jeremy, while that idiot's out of... Scales. Well, Jeremy, while that idiot's out of here, I did a perception check. It seems like he's telling the truth. I feel like we should just help them find this document.

Okay. I mean, some things are more important than money. That's true. I was trying to help us out. But you're right. You're right. We do have a meager amount of money. No, Darius, we can offer this.

We do have a meager amount of money that is this wrong guy, different person. So all of a neighborous taphole appeared. It says, I could offer a small amount of money. for information, but I couldn't give it to you until, of course, we have the deed in hand. I feel weird making decisions like this without Silverview, even though he's a moron. Okay, Silverview. We've split up the party. That's always a bad idea in D&T, because you might not be able to take on the thing that you have to battle.

I'm guessing something in the toilet. What are you doing? I'm in the bathroom with the, I assume the guy outside. Yeah, it's like a chamber, one of those, you know, like a bathroom. my own room or am I in a stall and he's outside the stall? No, you have your own room. Okay, I'm looking around trying to see if there's a secret entrance to the basement from the bathroom.

Instead, you're just sticking your hand in the toilet. I'm like waving, like it's under the sink. I'm doing, I'm like unscrewing the pipe. There's no sink. There's a basin of water and a hole that you take shit. Keep me in mind, do you have nothing at all to lead you on to believe there's a secret entrance to the basement in the bathroom? No, no, but this is my only

option now. Is there a window? In your family manner, I'm assuming in silver Manor, there's a secret interest in the basement. Every room has a secret passage to the basement in Silverview Manor. Okay. Is there a window in the bathroom? There's a small window to allow smells to escape. What's out, can I go through the window?

It is too small and there's bars to prevent a bird from landing on your head while you're using the bathroom. That's a good, that's a good thing to have. I, um... Sounds like this line of, uh, stealth is, is coming up at nothing. All right, well, they have confounded your attempts. that the adventure of the Bard bathroom may have to come into a clothes. I walked back into the kitchen

with my arm all the way up to my elbow soaked in toilet water. There's no water, it's just a hole. And ironically, now you have to use the bathroom. You spend so long in there. I forget. So I'm just to hold it in now, yeah. Yeah, because it'd be weird.

You don't want people to think that you have like a bladder attack. that you picked up from some woman and hogs bottom. Okay, so Silver viz. Back to the negotiation table. Seems like these guys are telling the truth. But Watcher has suggested

and I think it goes than that we just help out the red cheeks. Without any money, without any advantage of our own? They say they have a little bit they can possibly give us, but they're more important things than money.

Look, wouldn't you rather inspire people with your noble deeds as subscribed in song? I need my own wealth. I need to become my own man. So I need a cash reserve that I can allow me to not just live off the sponging of my father who found his money by seeing silver. Lord Silverview, he says as he touches Silverview's hand

and then immediately draws back because his hand is covered in whatever. There's more than one way to become a man. Wealth isn't everything. Perhaps respect is what you're looking for. All right. You know what, fine. But I want the majority of the money we take from them. As long as you promise not to like give it away as a tip,

Since I only value knowledge, I'm fine with that. Fine. Good. And since I would prefer that people in the future look at me as having done this is just for the good of things. Maybe that'll help me get some ladies so I can... Oh, yeah. Don't act. Don't act. I'll make another great verse in this epic tale. Oh, yes. Then it's settled. So we're splitting at 60, 2020.

Sure. Good. Then yes. Yes, sir. Sir, Jacob. We have, sir, some information. Well, I assume your noble men I see here you have a manor house. You're dressed in goblin stuff. Well, he says, so what information do you have? We may know the location of a chest that could possibly have the deed in it.

I believe you didn't answer the second question, which is, what's with that hole? Are you just looking for the paperwork over there? Oh, that hole. No. See, after Tapwell murdered my great-grandfather and a few of our kin, they simply tossed the bodies in a mass grave, and we're trying to unbury them, uncover the bones, so we can rebury them.

That's so much less fun than I was hoping. It's a really dark story. I hope it's a golden egg or a dragon's egg or something. That's the worst hole I've ever heard. All right, let's go get the deed, then. I apologize for that. And it still seems like he's telling the... truth.

Do we do a perception check on that? Yeah, let's do a perception check. Do you have to check the mass grave story? I don't want to be a masquerade deny or on this. Maybe we should. Go up and stare them in the eyes. I don't think he'd make that up.

It's too depressing a lie. Let's go. Look, to quote some musical heroes of scales, Fang battle, the Ramones, I don't want to go to the basement. I don't go down to the basement, but let's go. Man, he is a rich fantasy world.

He's wonderful. Yeah. These Ramones, I guess? They're not really brothers, but they dress like they are. Because all brothers dress alike. Look at the fucking Tapwells. Pardon my language. Tudors of the same color.

They're dressed exactly the same except with different horn helmets. So I assume that we're now bustled down to the north. You are. Bustled down into the cellar. Now, the cellar is a labyrinth of foodstuffs and wine racks and cider. casks and you to the northeast corner I grab one for a little refreshment

as we what the cider food sack I mean we've just been drinking and eating Apple products No it's fine but I They don't keep a lot of Apple products down here They don't need to

Oh Like a giant wheel of cheese Imagine Bill Bowbag and sounds It's basically like that So it's full of dwarfs singing songs And throw in crockery around Yeah because there's no songs being sung right now

Reminds me of a song So you guys make it to the northeast corner. Clearly, it's a dirt floor cellar, and there's a, underneath a, there's a barrel sitting there, a barrel that is easily pushed aside. Who wants to do the honors of pushing that barrel aside? I'll push this barrel aside. Okay. But I do have a question. Why didn't they, they've been ransacking the whole house?

They haven't touched this part of the house? It's weird that they didn't go to the basement. I mean, they've clearly been down there because they've been ransacking a little of food. But they haven't started just digging up the floor in the cell. I guess that's a pretty extreme. When you're looking for a piece of paper, that's a pretty extreme way to go. Archie is not happy, but he doesn't really have much saying it, and he is currently being guarded by three haplains.

Here, Archie, Nivel on this cheese. He probably like that a lot. He likes cheese, but it doesn't sit well with him, so they might have to guard him in the bathroom for a while later. I push the barrel aside and start digging to the chest. With your hands, or do you ask for a shovel? Do you whip it aside, like a real hero? Do you make somebody else dig?

What do you? Well, I push the barrel aside. Is there a shovel around? You can fetch one. Right now it's in mass grave removal duty, but we could take one. Yeah, we need to take some time off from searching for the bones of your murdered ancestors to find this. After a few tense moments, a halfling gives you a shovel. It's a small shovel, so you have to stoop down.

And you look a little silly, but there's no babes around. All right. I mean, there's a young halfling woman, but... Whoa, well. Does that change, what do you want to do? She's covered in grease paint and goblin. She smells bad because she's wearing goblin armor. But he's into role playing, so it kind of turns him on him.

All right, I grab the shovel from him and start digging. Oh, man, what hidden knowledge awaits you? Well, you learn that digging is not a lot of fun. After you dig for, it takes maybe about 15, 20 minutes of digging before your shovel strikes wood as you find a oak iron bound treasure chest. With a lock on it. Oh. Is there a way that we can try and pick that lock? Can we whip the lock?

Smash it open? How strong is it? I'm going to assume, we could make dice rolls, but I'm going to assume that, given enough energy and effort, and you're not trying to be secretive, you're able to crack that lock off that chest. And creak!

The chest opens, and there's a demon in there, and you all die. Just joking. What you do it. What's amazing is when you said D, I thought you meant deed. So it's actually, it's a small chest. It's filled with a number of personal effects. There's a lock of hair that is now straw thin.

There's a locket with a silhouette in it, a cameo. Archie's mom photos. There's a couple signet rings. There's some kind of a wedding ring that you're assuming was Archie's mom's wedding ring. We may have just found like a box of keepsakes from Mr. Tapwell's bright. You also find multiple scroll cases. That after searching through, you find, you are able to find the deed that is made out to the Zevulan Red Sheek of the Red Sheak half-wings made out by the local Baron von Boganhappen. Yes.

Do you have knowledge? Yeah, he's a family friend, actually. Do you have knowledge arcana? Knowledge arcana. Under knowledge? Or intelligence. Under intelligence. Do you have arcana?

No. Okay. But you can make an intelligence check anyway. Roll it, Dan. I mean, Lucian. Just here. 12. Okay, you can detect that there's a, you can tell that there's something magical about this.

some kind of minor enchantment just to prove that it's like legal that legal magic isn't all yeah yeah all the other stuff's legal to or seems magic to the uninitiated

that's true yeah Arthur C Clark said that okay so you have a deed the halflings are celebrating cracking open bottles now guys so I guess it's another successful adventure hooray we got it

we did it we did it now about the fee Fee is the wrong word There was talk of A gratuity Which actually sounds pretty Yeah, just like a little token A little...

Now about a ransom demand No, no, no Now are we holding the deed Or are they holding the deed? He's holding the deed Okay Wait, who is, Lucian? Lucian, yeah

Okay So Jacob says So about the fee I I mentioned money Or we could offer perhaps a value much more than that in the form of goods

could take the barge you could take as much of this cider as you can carry its value far exceeds what I'd be what kind of coinage we could pay but unfortunately just having the deed is not enough heroes I think we gotta talk to the Baron probably right

because unless he is brought to justice hapwell will keep sending tough adventuring dudes like you guys to try and rest the manner from the land from us So how would we go about Stop what's your solution here? Kill hot Tapwell?

Archie goes Oh my dad And then he realizes But then I'd be the Tapwell now dogs He just said brought to justice He didn't say we had to murder him Well always is there a court system here This is an anus fuel

economy town. I don't understand what the system of justice. I mean, there are options. You could either, you could go to the local sheriff. Okay. Oh, that burly dwarf that we saw. Or you could go all the way, you could make the longer trip down to Wolfsburg to seek an audience with Baron Emile von Boganhofen. Well, I know it sounds more fun to me. He's also a family friend, so he'll just do, surely he'll do what I ask. Our families are, go back a long way. We don't want the. We don't want the.

To Wolf Haven or whatever on the barge. Yeah, you can take it's downriver. Now, is there, I don't want to have well to get away. Like, if he catches wind of what's going on. Clearly, Archie has to stay here, but he doesn't care. He's eating cheese and apples, like, no at his business. That's true. He'll be spending his days in the cellar eating and his nights on the toilet,

so I think he'll be taken care of for a while. Yeah, I think let's take the barge down to what's called Wolf Haven? Wolfburg. Wolfburg? Oh, yeah, like, it's where all wolves. It's Wolf Mountain. Oh, okay. It's like Deckburg.

They're a bunch of anthropomorphic wolves. that live there, I assume. Yep. That's going to be super fun. It's a wolf blur. But we have the deed, though, right? We're going to have to take it with us. You're going to have to take it with us.

And you also will have to take one of the red-cheek halflings with you. God, it's always some... To verify. It's not like you can take a deed and be like, see? This guy told us. Now, can we take the daughter with us, or should we take...

Oh, no. They only brought one daughter with them. You could take one of the... young boys. Can we take the one who's not dumb? Yes, of course there's ones they're not dumb. No, it's only that Tapwells are dumb. I think it's only Archie was the, we messed up with Archie. We got the dumb kids.

I assume both of them were dumb. That's true. Maybe their Tapwell twin was brilliant. Maybe he had got all the smarts in the womb of Mrs. Tapwell. I just seems like Tabwell's, well, no, he actually, he based the decision on an eating contest. So I guess he didn't really care which of his son's one now that I think about it. No, here's the thing. Let's take the whole Trump with this, because as much as I believe,

Tapwell should be brought to justice. My artist's heart is touched by his devotion to his fair, departed wife. And I hate to see these artifacts, as unjust as his treatment of the bones of your ancestors has been, I'd hate to see them tossed to the winds or defiled in some way. And I think we could probably sell them in a pawn shop for some sweet cash. So let's take the whole trot from the sweet cash. You could give that cameo to a woman that you just met. Hell yeah.

Thanks for the silhouette of somebody else Dude, I mean They're not that discerting about silhouettes So yeah, let's take one of the Red Sheek boys Okay, let's say you take Uh Me, no, Pasha Red Sheek

Pasha? Pasha, yeah Okay, all right It's short for Alexander But he doesn't have to, oh, he's Russian, I see Sure But he doesn't have to He dressed up like a fake goblin

No, of course not He puts on the finery befitting a halfling commoner. Okay. So let's get on that boat, boys. He also brings his grandfather's signet ring of the red cheek family. It has a... To prove that he's a red cheek hafling. It also helps that he has very red cheeks.

What time is it? Should we just make haste and go overnight in the barge? Because it's nighttime, right? Or should we... You should probably rest overnight. Otherwise. We've used none of our spells. And none of our hit points.

Let's rest, though. Yeah. I want to go to the halfling daughter and chat her up. This does not go well. Five. What do you say to her? I don't know if you heard back there, but I'm Tansor Silverview. So here's the key to Archie's room where I'll be staying.

Halfway through, I realized that my hotel key doesn't apply here. So I just kind of mumble out that Archie's key to his or the hole, if you want, you know, like either. No, the conversation intersexually in the grave of her ancestors. She slapped you. All right. Now it scales is starting to shine. Like scales in the sun. I say, watch this, Tanzer.

And I make a play. Okay. Roll your die. Okay. Can I say what my line is? I invite her to come with me to the woods and hear some songs in the middle. Oh, wow, that's pretty good. 14 plus my charisma?

Yep. 17. Oh, she's up for it. She comes with you and listens the songs on the moonlight, but she's saving herself from me. Oh, God, I wasted my songs. Even when you win, you lose, Gales. How far do you get to, like, second base? No, you get to, wait, what's second base?

I don't know in this fantasy world. You know, movies of human world. Let's say, let's say it. She gives him a handy. No, that's up. Yeah, no, she's up for that. Okay, come on. Yeah.

Out in the woods or in the room we're all sleeping. In the woods. In the woods. Come on. His little dragon love missile that he has. Okay. Why is it smaller for a dragon? Let's bustle ourselves to sleep.

Okay. Oh, I'm sleeping well tonight. Crack a dawn, the cock crows, and wakes you all. You travel by barge down the stream. And I go, don't tell your dad about this. until you reach, reach where the stream connects with the wandering river

and continue going south past hogs bottom and it's dirty, tannery, awful filled waters. You skirt the edges of the town, continue south until you reach the, by, I would say by midday,

you reach the port at the bottom of Wolfsburg, the Wolfs Mountain, seat and foot. fastness of the Bogenhofen family, the Baron of the local area. After parking and stowing

your boat, you make your way up to the fortress itself, which is basically a small town. To make matters fast, so we don't seduce everybody in this town. You

request an audience with the Baron. And after waiting an interminably long time. What? Our families know each other. Actually, yeah, you were able to grease the wheels a little bit with your name. You are pushed to the front of the queue, all on the Silverview name. Yes.

And after you, the three, you are announced as Lord Silverview, two adventurers and Alexander Red Sheek, representing the Red Sheek halflings claim. On the Tapwell Orchard. And he reads out, he offers for you to make your case as to what is going on. The Baron is sitting there next to the steward

who made the announcement. The Baron is an older man who has to lean forward to hear you guys speak and occasionally whispers to his steward things. Elf, you want to give the... You sound trustworthy. You want to give the... Alexander is way too nervous.

to speak to the Baron. Yeah. Oh, yeah, Alexander. Do you want to go? Okay, then just... He drank too much on the ride down with you guys. I'm the family friend, but all right. I summarize what happened, but it's...

I do it north by northwest style where we just walk in front of some propellers and no one hears it. So I'm not... So it's not to bore the audience by recapping. All the great things that happened in the adventures over there? Okay. So you're listening to the adventures? I got a hand job. Do we tell them about that?

Sure. Probably not. I don't know her brother. It would come to blows at that point. So, the room is quiet after your tail, Lucian, and the baron leans over

and whispers something to his steward who says, Your tail has moved the baron, Amel van Boganhafen, and he offers to, he sees your claim to the land, and offers to help you. you bring Ambrose Tapwell, the Blaggard, to justice. So in real terms, that means fighters?

We will send a detachment of soldiers with you to bring him back here to Wolfsburg to face retribution. Sounds good. Is this a dead or alive thing here that we can bring him back? Let's try to bring him back a lot. I'm just saying, like, do we have to? If possible. All right. And I am overjoyed at the Barron's mercy, and I...

Alexander turns you, he goes, we did it, guys, we did it. We're not out of the woods yet, but we are far enough through the woods to sing a song. His face falls when you start to talk to him. Because he remembers seeing his sister walk out in the woods. We were just talking about how much she loves her family. You seem so relaxed when you guys are leaving, though. I understand. I completely implode.

It was covered. You really rush to the woods, but then when you walk back, you're really taking your time. This is a sauntering almost. Unfortunately, and you kept going,

you hear me? Silverview? To organize to organize these soldiers and set forth, you have to spend the knife in Wolfsburg in a haunted mansion.

That sounds great, though. You have to spend the night in a local tavern. Sounds great. A haunted tavern? It's not a haunted tavern. Oh. Unless it's haunted by the cries of joy from all your friends.

You wake up at the crack of dawn the next day. You are bustled out of bed. Let me get pressed. You're hurting me. A detachment of soldiers led by a stern female sergeant. Hello. There's like the Superview Fang Battle feud is ending in. The rivalry, let's say.

I have, of course, all the best. So hard. Base desire. What's her name? Her name is Ursa von Geersberg. Well, that sounds tough. And she does not like adventurers. Just as we walk, I make sure I walk alongside her to let her know that I'm a nobleman like her.

Nobleman. What is a noble man ever done that's noble? She scoffs at you. I set my horseback two paces. You also don't have a horse. I remember clopper, Klops a lot for a minute. I,

I walk back for a couple of steps and just give a very long wing to scales. You guys are, the four of you guys are riding in the back of a cart. So you just kind of I scoot back in the car. During all this, I'm just sitting in the corner meditating. The soldiers are marching behind the cart

and she's riding on a horse next to you. Actually, so you're looking pretty cool. Zander is driving the cart that's being pulled by an oxen. Okay. Okay, so. Zander.

Yeah, Alexander. I mean, Pasha, sorry. He's got a lot of nicknames. Yeah, Russia, come on. So they, you travel over land, over mountain through hill and stream till mid, or roughly midday when you cross,

you crest a ridge and see laid out before you, the town of Hogsbottom. leave our boat at Wolfsburg? Yeah, you can get it later. Okay. I mean, yeah, he paid for a week in the marina. I mean, the thing is, it's just a money suck, because we have to pay for it being housed in the marinas.

It's true, but it's so great to be. Those docts are going to be your real pain. It's the biggest mistake we ever made. We've already got insurance payments on it, yeah. It just looks amazing, though. And you really just wanted to tell people, do you want to go out on the boat for the weekend? Yeah.

We painted a thing on the side that said the Fandolin Flyer. in memory of Fandallon. I was going to call it the songwater, but I guess we could go. We can call it both. Each side has its own name on it. Yeah, each side is a warring names. So as you crest a ridge, you see Hogsbottom laid out before you. The town is maybe about half a half a mile down the hill.

Great. And however, you see the town is in turmoil. Uh-oh. Streams of smoke rise from the town, and you can see, see a it looks like the town is being attacked by a small army of goblins. No, no doubt led by infamous local warlord Clark. Wait, are these real goblins? They appear to be real goblins this time.

And seeing them, you're not up close, but seeing them, you can, you're super irritated with yourself that you ever confuse them in the first year. They don't even look like at all. Now, streaming away from the town over, across the river, you can see whatever people whatever refugees have managed to gather their things are trying to run away from these goblins and are fording the river in various places to do so. The town guard is fighting a battle against the goblins

but it is still close. Now also, a little bit closer to you at a part of the river that is a little bit more easily forded, you see a covered wagon laden with goods and personal effects and seated on this wagon is one Ambrose Tapwell and his son, Augustus, and kind of trying to drive the oxen pulling this cart forward, you see a short, dower, dwarf character who clearly seems to be in cahoots with Tapwell

as he is running away from his town, and it's time of need. Yeah, this is when the sheriff has needed most. Clearly, it's time for some adventurers. The sergeant says, the soldiers and I can take care of the goblins. You stop tap well. Oh, that's much easier, yeah. That's what I'm going to suggest anyway. Scales is a little relieved and also a little irritated that he gets to,

that the song is worse if it's, the goblin sacked the town that day, but we went off the other way to stop a man named Tapwell. You don't have to mention what could have happened in the song. You could just mention the stuff we did. I'm just following my music. All right, so we... The soldiers go marching away quickly.

But once we stop Tapwell, we can go fight some goblins, maybe. Sure, maybe. We'll see if we have enough time. Yeah, we'll see if the listeners want to keep listening to us fight goblins. Probably not. Is Tapu in the middle of the river? Is he mid-forward? They are, yeah, they're crossing. It looks like the easiest, you can either try and pull the card up to the river

and you can try and swim after him, or you can cross a, you can cross a, you can cross a, bridge a little bit further up and cut him off on the land where he's trying to land. Should we surround him with one on one side and two on the other? No. All right. Well, then let's... Because what? Is he going to turn around and go back to Goblin Town?

Come on. Well, if he just hit the other shore, all right, sure. Yeah, let's go... It feels like if we divide ourselves into parts... I don't want to get a situation where we're all on one side of the river and then he goes the other side of the way, so we have to run all the way back on the other side of river. He goes away and just kind of run back and forth like this. fording the river back in for the way.

Yeah, like we'll get tired first. That's not how rivers are. You played Oregon Trail. It's very hard to for the river. He's not going to just turn around and do it again. No, I haven't played Oregon Trail. He actually had five sons. Three of them have already died in this river. Oh, God.

He's got so few. Oh, he's got so few. It's a great tragedy. Let's just, well, so we'll, let's go around the bridge and approach him. Let's go around the bridge and cut him off the past. Yeah, so we'll cut him off the pass. We'll stand on the shoreline as he's trying to get to it. Alexander Red Sheke.

takes his orders, nods to you, and snaps the reins on this oxen, which plods its way down the hill. It crosses the, uh, it crosses the bridge all the while. You can see Tapwell and, uh, Bartok rock splitter trying to urge their, uh, cart up on the shore. Barton. Uh, you're able, uh, your Xander pulls on, Alexander, Red Sheek, of course, pulls on the reins to bring the cart to a halt on the, uh, the gravel trail that is, uh, is right opposite the bank that as the as the enemy cart is slowly being pushed up onto the shore. Bartok Rock Splitter is coming around with water

lapping at his boots and you can see that there's a second guard in Tapwell in a Tapwell Doublet comes climbing out as well. So it's Tapwell's son Tapwell Some Guard and Bartok Rock Splitter. I shout to him. You have just enough time to get set up and make something, decide what cool thing you're going to say to them.

Oh. So are you guys going to stay in the cart, or are you going to climb down out of the cart? Let's get out of the car. Let's get out of the car. Let's get out of the cart and go meet him on the floor. Now, how many of us have distance weapons? I have a short bow. I have a short bow.

I have a long bow, too. Let's get out of the cart, but it's not like we need to run up to him going face-to-face. You know, what we want to get out of the cart. We should tell him that we have a verbal warrant for his arrest, though. Yeah. Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah. So he'll be like, oh, the law, then I first stop.

Halt, Tapwell. It's me, Tansor Silverview. We have a verbal warrant for your arrest. What are you talking about? Did you find my documents? Oh, we found quite a bit. We found that you stole this land from the red cheeks. And now the baron has given us leave.

Leave? Permission? Whatever. The baron has given us a warrant for your arrest to take you back to Wolfburg. I know that. Life's a blur there. It's like a hurricane. But let's go.

Who knows? You might be arrested. You might solve a mystery. All sorts of things are going to happen. It'll change history. But we'll take you back there. So what do you say? Your time is done.

It's either go back to the goblins with no sheriff to protect you because look at him. Come on. Look at that pudge. Or he's running away. Come with us and we'll take you to the Baron and will say that you gave yourself up and throw you on the Baron's mercy. or we can fight you and possibly killify you.

Those are your choices. He says, I always knew you'd betray me, lizard man. Racist. What are you doing, waiting? Kill them! And now we're going to roll initiative dudes. Uh-oh, batlin time.

Okay, so at this point, guys, when I asked you to roll initiative, the 20-sided die and add your initiative bonus. I kind of wish I just fired an arrow from the wagon at one of those guys, but... That's always what you would. but it's way cooler to talk shit. I agree, yeah.

Wait, where's my initiative phone? It's next to your armor glass. It should be red there. I got it 22. Nice. I got 18. Mine's 11. That's less than ours.

And here's mine. Okay. What do you roll, Lucian? 11. 11. Okay. So you guys have the drop on them. They're still soggy with Riverwater.

And every time they move, it goes, I was trying to ring out their clothes. Scales gets to go first. Oh, yeah. Now, I want to save... You're about 30 feet away from these guys. Okay. What's the range of my short bow? You're totally within range.

Okay. I'm going to fire a shortbow bolt at the sheriff because, frankly, I'm disgusted at how he would run from his... He certainly looks like the toughest dude, and he's also carrying a crossbow. Okay, so Leah, let's... I'm going to fire a short bow. bow bolted. Oh, okay. Or you're not going to breathe lightning all over

his face? I kind of want to save that in case I need it. Or maybe I should just use it. That's your thing. Look how far away is he? He's within 30 feet. Okay, so that's lightning range, right? It's within lightning range. Guys, should I just shoot him with some lightning breath? Get some lightning, man. Why did we give your guy lightning? Okay, that's a good point. And he's dripping wet, so we'll take a penalty, do you?

Yeah, he'll be lightning, shoot it, okay. Give me some lightning breath on the sheriff. Okay, so you'll be dripping. You blast at him. I forgot for a moment that I was a dragon, man. He's got to try and dodge out of the way as your mouth erupts in crackling lightning. Oh, he jumps out of the way at the last minute. No. But he still takes some damage as lightning licks around his feet.

So roll a six-sided die. Two. Okay. So his beard is totes. Guys, I wasted my lightning, red. Do you want to stay out in the open or do you want to go run and hide behind the cart? Because I can move, right? Why don't I take cover behind the cart because he's got a crossbow?

Okay. So next is Tanzer Silverview. My whip is not a range. My longbow is in range, right? Your longbows within range. You can also move up and attack him. There's a sheriff. Maybe you could wait for them to come to you.

I can't believe I wasted my lightning. It'll take action on their part to come to me, right? No, they can. they can move and take an action in your turn. Well, in that case, I will, my rapier is the strongest weapon, right? Yep. Okay, then I will approach.

It's not as sassy as a whip, but it's more powerful. I'll save it for Ambrose when we've got him down. I will approach an rapier, the sheriff. Okay, yep. Now roll for an hour. So you come running on the heels of this lightning attack. Oh man, you do an amazing strike, so you run up and stab him right in the table.

chest and you roll a this and add five to it. Nine. So he takes nine piercing damage. Who's this? The sheriff. Yeah, well, but I softened him up for you.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that beard, there was no more beard to protect him against my sword blade anymore. It was all you. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Okay. So he is bleeding, and he coughs blood into his black, bristly beard.

Oh. Shot through with gray. Because it was so safe. It's totally so weird. Lucien. So who do we have left? Is there like an angry dwarf? There's a dwarf that's currently engaged who is dropping his crossbow and pulling out his axes to make short work of this one.

And you also have a thug who is going to gang up on Tanser Silver View. And then Tapwell's son is loosening his sword from his sword belt. I think I'm going to target. Ready to get vengeance for his brother. I'm going to target the thug. since he is taking no damage at this point. And I'm going to use poison spray. Okay.

The creature... It's a can of ray that you shake him. The creature must succeed on a Constitution saving throw or take one die 12 poison damage. Okay. Do you say anything before you poison spray him? Do you go, hey, asshole. He gets these Jason.

Yeah, I just say, suck on this. I'm suck on what? Oh no. So he takes how much? One, die, 12, poison damage. Okay, so you roll that. 12-sided die. Five.

Okay. That poison splashes in his face, and he goes, ah, but he doesn't seem to be quite down, but you have certainly distracted him. A total Wayne Knight and Jurassic Park moment. Yep. He goes, oh, clever girls. No, that's not, that was more doing his line.

Okay, on that note. I can't believe you know the character name of that guy. Bartag Rock Spitter Spits out blood and he goes Okay, it's time for you to die And he brushes you with an axe He stabbed him in the chest His first axe strike

Is easily parried with your rapier But his second one misses as well But he is pushing you back up onto the beach He is no longer standing in the water And he's trying to fight his way Was he was sitting in the water before? Yep

When I hit him with lightning Did the electricity go into the water and hurt anybody else? No, they weren't in the water. Oh, man. Okay. Okay. But nice thinking. I like that. Speaking of that, what are you going to do? It killed a lot of.

There's not a fish. Oh, wait, no, I got two more guys to go. He got the thug and the tablox. The thug who's got, who wipes the acid off his face, and he starts moving toward you slowly. And the, his action is going to be to wipe acid out of his face. And then, but his son, his son, Augustus Tapwell, Jr. goes rushing toward you. I'm behind the cart at the moment.

So he's going to go rushing toward the cart, and he's going to have to dash then. So he is like, come out of there! He's like trying to convince you to come out from around the cart. Okay. Okay. Speaking of which, it's your turn. So I'm going to poke my head up from behind the cart,

and I'm going to use vicious mockery on him. Oh, no. What? Now, this is a spell in which I unleash a string of insults. That you're very familiar with. placed with subtle enchantments at a creature within my seeing range, and he must succeed on

a wisdom saving throw or take one D4 psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next attack roll for the end its next turn. Okay, he does not resist that very well. He goes, I'm sorry, Dad, I'm doing the best I can.

So roll a four-sided die? One. Only one, but it's going to make him less good at beating you up in a second. Okay, that's great. Okay, and do you stay behind the cart or do you rush around? I'll stay behind there for the moment. Okay, now we got Tanzer Silverview.

So in front of me is still this... You're still fighting... Blood coughing guy. Yeah, you're fighting the sheriff of the town. He's no joke and you're a first-level character. Right. So he's tough. Oh, well...

Time for you to make a name for yourself. Yeah. I'm... I'm gonna... I'm gonna do that with it. Can I... Is there... At this range, the rapier is the best better, right? Okay, so I...

And it looks way cooler. It does, I does. But it's not as sassy as you. It's not as sassy. It's not as sassy. It's not as a sassy. But I can be sassy as the lesser characters. With this character, I take fighting position stance one.

Okay. Footwork, excellent, and I strike. 12 plus five, so that's 17. You totally hit him again. Yeah. And you do another eight-sided die plus five, another nine damage. Wow. So you...

You're... Work at this, Sheriff. Yeah. Right back in the gut. More blood. I want to see more blood. So your rapier strike, like, goes clean through his left shoulder, and he is slumped over slightly. And you can see a little look in his eyes like, maybe he underestimated you.

Yeah. I'm a silver view, I say to him. Okay. Now, Lucian, bottom viewer. Well, first I'm going to cast It's butt be my mistake It's a butt watcher I'm going to cast a shalelele

Okay What do you do? What do you do? Turn my quarterstaff into a shaleli Into a magical shalala As Elliot said Take one piece of wood And make it a slightly thicker piece of wood

It also counts as magic And then I'm going to attack with it Okay So it says the weapons Damage die becomes a die 8 Yep. So it's going to make it even better. But before you roll damage, you still got to hit somebody with it. Oh, I'm going after the guy I attacked before.

Okay, so the thug, who is very angry that he got poisoned in the six. So you roll the 20-sided die. You've got to make an attack roll. And you're going to add, I think, four to it. Oh, God. Go for the crotch. Go for the crotch. Swing at a mix.

Oh, man, that is not a very good rule. Though he is intimidated by this now thicker quarterstone. Did you yell Shaleli? I did. Shalili! Now, the sheriff, he's not liking this. He's still fighting you. He swings.

And, oh, he hits you for a total of... Hits who? Me. Not Luciam. Tanzer. Yeah, remember this is an audio podcast. Sorry, I'm bad at this part. You take two hit points of damage.

So you mark those on your sheet. This guy's bleeding out and he hits... Yeah. You're doing very well. All right. You're arguing with the very premise of the game. That's true. He's a medical attention really quickly.

The thug, cautiously, because he doesn't want to get acid in his face, takes a swing at you with his mace lution. Sure. But he misses. And finally, I got disadvantage on this. Augustus Tappwell. is like, Dad, I'm doing this for you.

And he misses as well. Okay, so back around. Now it's up to you. It's up to scales over here. You're fighting on the other side of the cart. I'm going to swing back around to the fight side of the cart. Okay, so you're going to try and disengage or are you going to... No, two, and then I want to fight the son.

Okay. Because he's on the other side. He's on your side now. Okay. Oh, he's on my side now. He clambered over the ox and started swinging. Oh, then I'll just fight with him. Okay.

Then I'm going to, how close is he to me? He is right up on you. Okay, so. Let's say melee range. I'm still going to, I'm going to use my short bow, though, instead of my dagger, because I'll do more damage if I can hit him. But because he's so close, you have disadvantage on the road. Oh, that's right.

Oh, then I'm, then I'll use my dagger. Okay. So make your dagger roll. Okay. The 20-sided die, and you add whatever the attack bonus is for dagger. So that's 19. Man, that is it. huge roll. Plus a four attack bonus.

It's 23. Okay. So, you totally bury that dagger in his stomach. Roll a, what is that, a D4? A D4. Roll a four-sided die and add two. Three. Okay. So one plus two is three.

I got to roll better. A lot of one, yeah. Okay. I'm very weak. He is still fighting, he is fighting with you. He's a little shank that he got stabbed. He didn't think that you were going to do that to him. Even though he's been trying to kill me.

Yep. Is there a concern that we're killing his son? Is that a... He attacked me first. I guess that's true. That's true. Why are we concerned that a guy... Don't talk about the morality of adventuring.

That's fair. I'm wondering more for the sake of justice. Like, it was going to be a problem if we come back. He has one son still if this guy does. Just because you're a lawyer doesn't mean that your fantasy creation has to be so concerned. I just want to make sure... Look, where in the apprehension of a dangerous fugitive who has killed already, or his family killed someone? We're in the operation of a dangerous fugitive, and his son starts attacking us.

Hey, you don't got to tell me, I'm murdering a sheriff right now. I'm tapping a sheriff to death. Speaking of which, time for you to stab that sheriff again. All right, so once again, the deal of the fatal death blow. You're actually not far from killing this guy. Do you say any last thing to him before you try and deal the final blow? Something about silver. I'm trying to do the jinxie right now.

I'm the entire time I'm shouting Silverview as I'm stabbing, so no, I'm not saying anything different. 11 with 5, so 16? 16. That totally had some roll your damage. Yeah, this one? Yep, yep, the eight-sided die. Four, nine. So that's nine more damage.

Your rapier goes right through his throat. He falls to his knees, eyes shocked that his life, the life of Bartok Rock Splitter, a life filled with happiness and violence, has been cut short. Do I see that in his eyes? Do I make a connection with him in a moment of this moment? He wants you forever. And he collapses face down and on the gravel shore. Okay.

I go through his effects trying to find a sick. We'll get to leaving a bad. Lucian. I just realized that I have a magical chelais. Yeah. Now, it says that the duration is one minute, but then it also says the spell ends if you cast it again or if you let go of the weapon. You're probably not going to let go of the weapon. Okay. So it's still an effect.

Yeah. For a minute, a combat round is like six seconds. Okay. So we have ten of these before we... So, all right. Well, then I... First, I attack with the Shalee again, I guess, with the... I guess the thugs. Do you shout Shaleli when you do it?

Yeah, I do. Wait, am I supposed to? Shaleli! No, that's your character. Shaleli. I like it. Okay. Now, you roll the 27th century. out of die and you add four. Jesus Christ.

Is this a loaded die? I'm getting the worst rolls of anybody. Here, I'm going to give you advantage on that. You can roll a second die. That's a pity advantage. All right. Yeah, it's more like it. You're shouting of Shaleli.

The heavens grants you a boon in the form of advantage. Then rolled a one die and now roll the 16s. He thinks you're bobbing and he bobbeds at the wrong time. So you are going to roll the eight-sided die? Yeah. It says four. Okay. And you add two. So that's going to be one. That's actually enough. He turns to the side, face still blackened from poison to have a shalele crack against the side of his jaw. Now, you have an

option, an option I didn't give, I didn't give Schuben. Do you want to kill this thug, or do you want to just knock him unconscious? Sure. I feel like I'm a lawful person, so I... You just knock him out. I just knock him out. Maybe you can convince him to join your team later. He falls down into the dirt. He's just a poison in my face. Well, that poison made me really reconsidered my life choice.

Tapwell is currently trying to... He's shaking the reins and trying to urge the oxen up onto the shore so he can escape. And the car is slowly moving away. You guys should probably deal with that when it's your turn to. And then Tapwell's son, Augustus Tapwell,

potentially the last of his line. depending on what happens to his father. And Archie, yeah, poor Archie in his room right now. I forgot to mention it. After you guys left, the Haveling's killed, Archie. What happened to justice? They were getting justice for their dead family. Poor Archie.

We don't know they've done that yet. We don't know what they've done that. Okay. There's a big newspaper stand outside the town for the headlining. Extra, X-Rchie Tapwell killed by Hatlings. City mourns. He was the smart tap well Oh man

This tap well was also the good fighting tapwell And his club comes down in a wicked arc Striking you for four hit points of damage Oh that's a lot What are you at? I mean I started with eight Oh okay Okay your head is a ringin

Okay guys You guys have cleared the field what do we do? What do we do, scales? Well, I'm still fighting. So what are you going to do? I just got hit in the head by, what's his name, not Archie? No, this is Augustus. Augustus.

Do you give him another taste of the old dagger? I feel like I've got to, yeah. Now that you've got a taste for blood, you can't see. And the ringing in my ears, unfortunately that ringing is making it harder for me to think, and so I can't use, I can't cast dissonant whispers, which would be the other thing I would do. Or Tosh's hideous laughter. Or careless whispers. the most powerful spell.

Oh, three. Oh, you totally whiff. Oh, boy, because I got hit in the head. Things are looking grim. Now, we have... Is this the end for scales? Tanger, do you want to go for to try and stop Tappwell from running away,

or do you want to try and help your friend? I, well, it's probably better for me engaged in a fight, and for Lucian Budwatch should have run after Tapwell, right? Since I'm a better fighter. So how about I'll go after... I'll go after the sun.

I'll go after Augustus. All right, so I wonder if I can just sassily hit him from my distance right now. With the whip? Yeah, with the whip. Go to reach him? Yep. All right. So I'll, so I'll go.

You plant your rapier in the dirt? I've time working to take out the way. Unsheath your whip. Yeah. I hummed the Indiana Jones. That's not annoying. Get ready to be sassed. Can I?

Silverview stuff. Oh, but what's your total? What's your total? And then with five, it's, so I got 13. That's a nine. He's not very well armored. Okay, but you only roll a four-sided dime. Oh, good.

But you add five. Man, that is a ton. Your whip cracks around, wraps around his neck. You have the option right now. Do you snap that neck and kill him, or do you knock him out? Oh, I kill him. Oh, I kill him. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You're sure we kill him? He's a son of tablo. Only you can make this choice. You've just tasted first blood, perhaps, for the first time. Maybe you've got a thirst for the... Now you've realized how easy it is to kill a man. you wondered why you were taught not to. But I don't understand why the sheriff's life wasn't worth anything if Augustus Tapwell's life is worth.

If he was a nobleman, it'd be different. But I'm learning now that the Tabwells aren't nobleman. And you're angry. You felt feel betrayed that you thought the Tapwells were a noble house. I snapped that man's neck. He goes, father! And then you hear a, you are standing right next to him when you hear a sickening crunch as his neck is snapped. And his body goes limp.

His body for the last time. His body falls in front of you, leaving your view clear to see me with a whip, standing there proudly. Yeah, very heroic. I say, thanks, buddy. Lucian. What do you want to do, man? Do you want to try and clamber up? Do you want to try and physically stop the oxen?

That would be pretty cool. I want to try. Do you have any spells? You want to shoot a lightning bolt at them? You know what? I've got animal friendship. No, that means like, you know, that just means I mean them no harm. I can convince animals that I mean them.

Yeah, but it'll also follow commands. All right, so I'm going to try and cast animal friendship. You don't even have to try. You cast it. All right. It gets a save. Order the oxen to drown. Give you a life for justice.

The oxen do poorly. The oxen looks at you, doe-eyed, awaiting your commands. And Tabble's going, no, you stupid animal. And I yell, stop. And then I say, tap well. enjoy making toilet cider in jail our curses

So you guys quickly subdue tap well He is a total wimp What do you guys do with him? We time up right? You know, you know, Toss them in the water? No, no, we got to take him to the Baron

We have some bodies to search and look for their stuff, right? Okay, so you find, you're going to find a bunch of money And luckily, the troops quickly route the goblins who are not expecting to have organized troops to fall upon their rears. So they flee off to wherever. And in the end, you guys have won the day.

Yay! That's what Dunsin and Dragons is. So, do we, is that it? Yeah, that's the end of the adventure. We did it. We did it. Bustle our way to the end of the adventure. Yeah, I mean, does the Beren give us anything?

Yeah, the baron, no, he doesn't give you anything. You guys got plenty of money. I'm assuming you're going to loot Tapwell's stuff to get the rest of the money. For sure. Jim and sleeps with that lady, I assume. Yeah, well, absolutely. You settle down and get married. Wow, that's the end of my adventure forever.

Yeah, this is the last adventure you've ever had. Looks like that's the end of the fearsome three. It's just me and new now, but watcher. No, do you don't go back to the red-cheek farm and marry the Hampling? Oh, yeah, perhaps, you know what? You have to make an honest woman out of her after. She just comes to me and she says, my hand is pregnant, and I say, okay, all right, we'll get married.

And I roam the world alone being like, well, that was a waste of time. My vision said that these people would help me to mind what I was looking for, but apparently not. Settling down and having a family sometimes can be the greatest mystery of the universe. Yeah, it seems like, Dan, your character has missed the most important knowledge. What's that? What's in the hole? Yeah, I mostly like holes in the ground.

Okay, guys, well, thanks for playing Dungeons and Dragons with me, and thanks for you guys for listening to it. Thanks for donating. And definitely thanks for donating. Thanks to the Adventure Zone boys for letting us take their stuff for a little bit. Yeah, giving us a sandbox to play in. And thanks for playing, Jubin. Oh, thanks for having me.

And Stuart, thanks for running a great adventure. Thanks, Stuart. No worries. And Stuart, thanks for taking us a great adventure after the recording. Wait, what? Yeah, you paid for our tickets, our rides. But my flash pass only works for one person. We'll just all dress like you.

Come back next time. On the Adventure Zone. Featuring. More adventure. Starring. Not us anymore. Bougans. Maximumfund.org.

Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Listener supported. I'm Jesse Thorne. Bullseye is all about discovering the good stuff in culture that will do nothing less than change your life. I've never heard anything like it. before, it'd be like seeing a new color, which I guess is music's like biggest asset, is that you can hear new sounds. I'll probably never see a new color. I'll probably never experience like a new crazy taste, but I'll hear new sounds constantly.

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