The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Royale: Episode 12

Episode Date: November 6, 2025

Having barely survived the last trial, Rictus, Hellgrammite, and Lorovith assess the competition and take some time for revenge . . . or pranks.Royale Theme: “Wizard Disco” by Louie Zong: https://louiezong.bandcamp.com/album/wizard-discoOriginal Music by Griffin McElroyAdditional Music in this Episode: "When the Wick is Gone" by The Pangolins: https://thepangolins.yolasite.com/; "ATH" by Lex Villena: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2iwj2SqGnplhDIadeJ5bmy?si=9db2f1db3f7649c9&nd=1&dlsi=7a09f77fc450459a; "Death" by Holizna: https://holiznaroyaltyfree.bandcamp.com/; "Jingle Bells Calm" by Kevin MacLeod:  https://incompetech.com/; "Simple Song" by Jar of Flies: https://jaroffliesofficial.bandcamp.com/; "Foresight" by Serat: https://blear-moon.com; "tribute to eddy" by Jean Toba: https://jeantoba.blogspot.com/; “If You Can't Be the Sun, Be the Sun” by Schemawound http://schemawound.com/; "Moulds Sun" by 10 Echo: https://10echo.bandcamp.com/; "Sound the Alarms" by Kirk Osamayo: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/kirk-osamayo/; and "Languid Dawn" by Blear Moon: https://blearmoon.bandcamp.com/.Native American Aid: https://nativepartnership.org/naa/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously on Taz Royale. We think it would actually be a great idea for the three of us to team up against the Titanic. That sounds great. Yeah, I was cursed. I was cursed. Sorry, I was cursed by death. But it seems cool now because I fed it. Right now we're fighting for second place or third place.

I say we turn our attacks on the tree. Yeah, sorry about this, A.C. James, it's like, it's purely strategic. because you hit us with needles too. Sorry. And everything goes dark, and then a second later, you four are standing on the steps of the ziggurat. Congratulations, aspirants.

You have survived. The trial of evocation. Welcome back to Taz Royale, our winner-take-all battle royale season of the Adventure Zone. When last you joined us, I don't actually know when last you joined. us. That's not really how a pie gas. It was a Tuesday. It was a Tuesday for you. For us, it was just Tuesday also.

We have roughly equivalent human experiences. You all completed, survived the trial of evocation. A third place finish, but boy, that sure beats fourth place. The prize for fourth place is you're fired. Is death. From life. It is death. So the trial wraps up. The rest of the day sort of unfolds in a day. as you all get used to being back in your own non-swampy bodies again. That is a gross way of saying that. Also, you don't know what the humidity's like on this island? I do. Check this out. It's quite dry.

Oh, it's a dry. Yeah, you're up high. You're floating in the air, and it's drier up here. You all watch as... I'm reading a Romantician novel right now. We're at the beginning. They were like, the weather in this kingdom is so unpredictable. One day, it would be so cold. the next day it's freezing and then it's sunny. And it's like, okay, man, just say you didn't want to keep track of what the weather is like.

Just say, just say whatever crazy crap I right here makes sense because it's like a wild weather. Yeah, amazing. So you all watch from the safety and comfort of the Zigarot as two more groups of 16 aspirants for teams of four take on this trial of evocation. And from sort of the ziggurat in the center of the island, you have sort of a hard time following the proceedings. So as the sun sets and the last of the elementals falls, aspirants file into the grand foyer of the ziggurat with its many tiered fountains and holographic projections of the fallen aspirants. It is not until now that you get sort of an idea of who's gone. There is a chime of a pleasant sounding bell and 12 more holographic busts materialize around the room. Obviously, the American magical gladiators, Hayes, Blaze, and Rays, who, Rictus dispatched when you were in your elemental form, they get their holograms appear.

And you all sort of get lulled into a sense of security as the other faces that appear are unfamiliar to. There's a stage performer Presto Jones, Dwarven Strongman, Storm Brother Watts, Icora, the witch, the ice clown, Zach Frost, pairing down our list of almost identical ice-based wizards. The straight jacket wearing Mr. Mr. Heldgren. You see two Thrakeen join the memorial. There's the egg sack wielding brood and the imposing cricket man hopper. None of these faces are, you know, belong to people that you have become particularly close to on the island so far, at least not in the recorded podcast. But the last face that appears catches you all by surprise, especially you, Loravith. You see in the last of these alcoves a hologram of the masked countenance of absolute zero, the icy ninja who accompanied you in the previous trial.

Was he the one that went into the eggs? He is the one who went into one of the eggs, yeah. Oh, okay. It strikes you all that the crowd assembled here is nearly half of the first assembly that you had sort of surrounding the ziggurat. 28 wizards have fallen in total and 36 remain. Griffin? Yeah. Do you have wizards that have died that you didn't get to?

Like do stuff? Do like, is there, are there ones that like, we could say goodbye to that you didn't get a chance to like, that didn't get a chance to live? Oh, you're asking like, is there, I'm just wondering if we could like. Yeah. If there's one you want to tell us about because you're real proud. Griffin, here's what I'd like to ask you. Right. I want this guy to talk about some of the ones that we lost in like an in memoriam one and an in memoriam sort of vibe.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, but it's just talking about the ones that we didn't really get to like spend enough time with. For some reason, our narrative doesn't overlap with the ones that were important enough at the school to be concluded. It's funny you say that, choose, because at this exact moment, Trace appears as the octave appears in their different fountains around the room. And Trace clears her throat. She says, I've prepared a brief in-memorium segment for the aspirin. that we've lost thus far, and some gentle piano music starts playing.

Go rest high on that mountain by Vince Gill. No, no, no, you can't actually be... Violating maniac. It's Taylor Swift's Mean. It starts, no. Yeah, that's good, man. No, it is a gentle and extremely public domain. It's jingle bells.

Starts playing as you see a hologram appear over the central fountain of Bobby. dazzler hitting Bobby Rolls. That's what he called him. God, I miss him so much. You see Bill Shredley appear with his big guitar, playing a sweet tune. You see Betty Fortuna appear and start to be like really problematic and racist because that's what Justin said she was.

And then they kind of cut that one off really quick. You see Powder Keg Kelly, the first goblin to fall, the first death as he goes to help out at the orphanage soup kitchen. It's a special soup kitchen just for orphans. Wow. To work at or to that serve? No, that's their specialty that they serve. Do you like orphan soup?

Yeah. Come on down. It doesn't have orphans in it. It's just the name of the soup. It's a lagoon-based soup. Used to have orphans in it, but then the FDA got out. Whatever. Howard Kaye, Callie would never.

He's a sweetheart. So the presentation ends, and you look around the room. It is a mix of teary-eyed aspirants and people looking pretty confused because they didn't really know much of anybody. So Trace sort of clears her throat, wipes her eyes, takes off her Coke bottle glasses, and cleans her eyes and cleans her eyes and says, ah. So you all. survived. You've proven your mastery of the elements and passed this third trial. You are all one step closer to deification. While I know the terror and sorrows of this ordeal are a lot to bear, the eight of us can assure you the surprise is worth it. Now, you will have the rest of today and

tomorrow to recover before we reconvene for our next trial. Please, rest, recover, study, and prepare yourselves. A reminder of the ground rules, you must never remove your grimroar. Doing so will mark your immediate disqualification from the concave. You may not attack, injure, or bring direct harm to another aspirant, and you are prohibited still from approaching the crystallarium at the island's northern rim. I know that today was strange. I know that perhaps you are not prepared for the sort of out-of-body experience that we thrust you all into, but you have proven yourselves a capable group of wizards,

and we are honored that one of you will join our ranks upon this conclave's finish. Excuse me? Yes, Laura. Law of a gondon, dream wanderer. Question. Yes. Who gets the things? Sorry.

Who gets their things? The things of... The personal possessions. We've lost half our number. I'm just curious if they're a thing... If it's a dibs. Are you? If we're...

If it's dibs or... Are you under the impression that this conclave is some sort of treasure hunting opportunity? No, but they brought things with them. They won't be needing them. They'd rather... I'd wonder if they have some things. If your aspirants, your friends, I suppose, have fallen, have bequeathed unto you. Wouldn't they want the things to go to use?

I know I'd want. Here's an announcement. I'm making a formal announcement. Should think before me an untoward demise before my time. Use my things. They're good things. many were made for me by my uncle Renivel.

He's a good man, a good craftsman. Please put my things to use. Should I die? And I like to think many before me would have shared this same sentiment. Rick just raises his hand. My dear friend Presto Jones

said I could have his stuff. Presto Joe I doubt very much that she gave you permission to take her stuff I have, yes, I have one. I can tell you a very close friend. Yes. Sorry. Benny said that I could have a super confederate flag.

It's like a regular Confederate flag, but it's got four lines instead of two. We burn that pretty fast, actually. That makes sense, yeah, that's right. That's what I was going to do with this, so that's fine. All right. All right. Burger man wanted me to have his coasters. He had a set of coasters.

Who? With the faces of characters from tales long ago. Who's, who's, who's coaster man? Burger Man clears his throat. I'm still here. I didn't die. Well. Oh.

And I didn't say anything like that. Can you imagine the internal indignity of being dead while Burger Man? lives. Yeah, there's a lot of names on here that have beaten the odds. None more than Berger Man. Gunk is still reping the set, and that's incredible. Gunk is the survivor good? Doobr's Sweet Leaf, is Doobar still around? I can't wait for you guys to meet Doobers Sweet Leaf.

Breaks my heart, you haven't met Dober Sweet Leaf yet. Or for Maggio Bucatini. You guys need to, need to fucking get out there glad. We got to bring out. I just want to establish the Memorial Segment in case something does happen to one of them. Yeah, sure. You know, before you get your chance. Absolutely. Trace looks around.

More hands start to go up. She says, we simply can't keep doing this. If you have questions, please direct them to the crystal in your Grimoire, your personal assistant. We're very busy. We're the eight sort of sions of all magic in the fold. So, you know, we got to get back to doing that. But rest up, and we will proceed with the next trial in the two sunrises. hence. Okay. That sounded weird. Bye.

Rickdis turns to Loravith and to Hell Grammat and says, Hey, I need you guys to come over to my place after sundown tonight. I have something really important. I need to ask you. Okay, I'll see you then. Thanks, buds. I swear if he says, have you heard the word of God today and tries to give us a Amphlet. Okay, you head out, Rictus. Do you similarly head back Lorovith and Hellgrammett?

Yeah. I'm exhausted. This will give us a chance to kind of talk together and get to know each other a bit. Is that something you're even remotely interested in doing, Loravith? No, but there is a walk back. Yeah. I mean, I can't avoid that. Sure.

And I'm too tired to run, so here we are. Okay, you all, the two of you walk back to your respective houses. I'm really, that, that burger man burns me up. What is your obsession with the burger man? I regret it even as I ask it. Have you seen him when he does his grease thing? Oh, Lord. Oh.

I was, to be honest, bug, man. I thought I'd dreamed it. No, no. He shoots grease out. Can you imagine how helpful that would be to us in our endeavors to crush these other peons and take over the entire competition and win it for ourselves? Berger Man, you feel you can trust this burger man? No, no, that's why I want him gone.

Don't we inherit the power of it? of those who die, isn't that? I thought that was the gig. I'm not sure I want that kind of pressure. I'm not sure how these things work. I don't want to get to a point where I flick my wrist the wrong way and grease starts shooting out. Well, that's an excellent point.

I guess you know it would have to be very, very, very careful. Deliberate, so what you're looking for? I'm... Sure. Deliberate, yes. Oh, I just take so much from you. I'm learning much from you. Give me a perception check, both of you?

Why? You'll find out. You're learning from each other. Tell me why. Ah, dang. Is it? It's a three. Lucky seven.

Okay. Add them together. It's 37. Hell yeah, man. Wow. Both of you are completely oblivious to the fact that Burger Man is traipsing back to his tent, basically right behind you. And he just kind of like brushes past the two of you.

you between... Bugham, I'm sorry. Forget about, just forget. His greasy tears splashed to the ground, leaving a trail of... And now you both need to make a dexterity saving throw to see if you fall on the tears.

It's not a cartoonish spray, Travis. This is real shit, okay? Oh, I don't want you stepping... I didn't mean to trivialize your crying burger man seen. Okay, seeing that, maybe I'm not quite so jealous of his burger.

Yeah, right. I feel like that's the clip We're gonna send a Jared Ledo When we ask him to play Burger Man in the movie Yeah for sure, dude He was sending He sent pickles dead pickles to everybody It was gross

It would be great He filled the hot tub with mustard To getting character He kept saying I'm flipping out As like a joke But no, he really was Yeah and you would say it And then wait a really long time

To see if we'd laugh We're so weird and then he hopped on his light cycle and rode away. It would be so kick-ass if everyone got to the end of the Taz Royale movie and we're like, I love that Burger Man's performance. But then he takes his head off revealing it's been Jared Ledd it the whole time. And he's like, he looks right into the camera and says, yeah, I bet this is confusing for you, huh? You like one of my movies finally.

Got you. Leto Rip. We did in Hollywood. You, as you are walking back to your respective places of residence, Loravith, you see Gricon waiting by the entrance to his, you know, his palatial estate. He survived the last trial. And he looks a little bit down. And as you come by, he says, well, Loravith, how did you find this last trial?

Carl, I'll be honest with you, I found rather unnerving to be sharing my consciousness with some of the other members of my team. What of you? Yes, same, which was, you know, Oskulliath, fiercely individual being forced into that against my, without my agreement, felt a bit of a trespass. Yes, yes, that rectus he is. just a bog full of worms up there, isn't he? Okay. I'm sorry, Helgrim, I didn't see you there. You're so slight.

Oh, no. That's fine. Am I intruding? I thought we were talking about... No, I just wanted to check in to see how you were finding the contest. Yes, I enjoyed the being inside somebody else's skin. I thought that was... You are a hugely upsetting, in Rachel, to speak with.

Very opening. eye opening to me. That's a shame. Give me an insight check, Loravith. Hell, Gramet, you can do one too if you'd like. 13. Okay. One, not one.

This is crazy. Hell Grahameth thinks that Gracan is loving this. Yeah. Loravith, with a 13, you have competed with Gracan, I mean, dozens, if not hundreds of times. It is sort of, he is your. your rival and that is a sort of important role in this like competitive Goliath society you came up in. You can tell that like the thrill, the glory of battle that you have seen kind of like emblazoned across his face is not, is just not there.

He is, he is, you're familiar enough with your culture and with Gricon that you know that he is not. He's not enjoying this. Does, is there, I don't know what team he was on or like how they did. Is it related to the, uh, he was on one of the later teams. You didn't compete directly against him. You can see he is holding a, the same kind of like little small leather sack, uh, with a gold clasp around it. So like, his team won.

Like you can tell his team won. They did great. Uh, it is just a, I don't know, he seemed. He seems to not have that kind of post-glorious battle glow that you have, you know, seen him exhibit, especially when he conquers a foe, as he is done here today. He says, I'm sorry to keep you. How do you plan to spend your intermediary time? If you don't mind me asking Why you seem unsettled

Is the contest Proving to be too much for you He looks down at your Your own prize bag And says It would appear that I Performed much, much better than you did In the last trial

It is not a question of performance It is a question of satisfaction. It's this. I came here. Not to seize Godhound, but because this is supposed to be

the greatest competition that a magic user can aspire to, but the thrill isn't there, Loravith. Something feels wrong. Do you not

share this feeling? I, Griffin, I want to, can I do an insight check on myself? Sure. A little, uh, unorthodox. But yeah, if only it were that easy, IRL. I know. Um, 15.

Okay. Uh, yeah, 15, good roll. Um, it is tough. I do not want to tell you what your character is feeling. I think I can tell you that you are also familiar with the spirit of competition. You are familiar with the feeling of, of competition. And what is always so exciting when you are competing, especially in a life or death sort of endeavor as this is, is the kind of like how unexpected it is, how anything could happen. The dynamic sort of nature of a high stakes contest.

And for as much sort of peril as you have been put into, there is something about what Gricon is saying that kind of resonates with you. where this doesn't, it hasn't felt like a war. It hasn't felt like a duel to the death. Something does feel, here's, Griffith, if I could ask, I'm pretty used to the circle of preparation, combat after my feeling right now. And I know that that normal feeling of like satisfaction, and there's, I think for him, there's normally, like,

bit of calm after competition where it's like he feels like he he can rest for a little bit until the next one and he feels that sort of like balance I think okay yeah typical that's the usual that is the usual and is that what you're feeling now this is what I'm asking you right so I'm asking you right now that's what I would normally be right how does my mental state that the mental state that he's experiencing that that is being alluded to by right okay I will say this with a 15, you understand what Gricon is saying. There is something that has felt off about these victories. There is something that has felt a little bit, a little bit off.

And I don't know how Loravith would feel about that. But with this insight check into yourself, there is something inside you that kind of understands what he is saying. Well, Grecon, there's nothing inside me that understands what you're saying. Unfortunately, none of it resonates with me. whatsoever. Rest well! He... That kind of like shakes him out of it. He smiles and says, yes, you and you, and you, Bugman. Sorry for sort of ignoring you. You have made it this far. You deserve my respect.

Oh, well... Oh, yeah. Well, uh, I agree. I take it back immediately. There was nothing respectable about what just happened. Good evening. And he goes inside of his house to rest. Do you think he likes me? He opens the door. No, not really. No, I was talking to Loravith.

You said it at normal phone. Shuts his door. You've got to remember human hearing. I know. So much better than bug hearing. You're like 30% vibrations, man. I know. And when people speak in that low register, I can't pick up a damn thing.

I think it's mostly smell for you, right? A lot of spills. smell, yeah, which is tough. That's tough. Let's jump forward into the evening. I'll give you guys time to, you know, pursue your own extracurricular activities here, but I do want to resolve what Rictus has set up, Helgrammett and Loravith. Do you make your way to Loravith? Or, Louravith, you're in one of the nice houses. Yeah, or Rictus is in one of the nice houses. I was one of the nice houses. Yes, I misspoke. Rictus is in a nice house. Loravith and Hell Grammott, do you make your way to rictus's, you know, somewhat palatial estate. Yeah. Okay. Well, after you said, we had some

free time. I'm going to the cliff to go to sleep. I'm going to level up. Oh, that wasn't an option, but it will be. Took a shot. Took a shot. Yes, we will be leveling up today, but in this moment. So, Loravith, you are, you are not going, you are going to sleep. No, we should have a conversation. Yes, okay, fine. Okay. You know what? Here's what happened. I got distracted by the conversation that I was having with them, and I walked over there before I realized what I was doing. Okay.

Cool. You all make your way to Rictus's place. Richtus, you open the door in there. Yeah. Come in, come in, please. Do you guys want something to drink? I've got Sovian Grong and some Throgsard lemonade. No, thank you.

I just got to coffee. Okay. I would like... I'll try the thing, the gronk thing. The sylvanon gronk? Okay. All I'm able to get up here is like org alcohol stuff. Sorry, guys.

Can I mean, I... Sure. We'll accept orcahall. Yeah, orcahaw. That was sorry. That was not in world because him saying that would make it in war. So I, Justin McElroy, was asking you if orcahall is permissible. Yeah, it's good.

It's good and great. I have two things I want to talk to you guys about. First of all, what do you think about Thunderdogs? Oh my God, it's a Scud Light. Sorry, yeah, I had one of those. I haven't had a Scud Light in years. You want a Scud Light? Yeah.

I love a Scud Light. Here you go. What do you think about Thunderdogs? Okay, that would be fine. Like for a team name. I don't want the bread, though. No, like a team. No, like a team.

name because like you might think we're underdogs but we're actually thunder dogs. Oh team name. Oh. Thunder dog. I like it. Thunder dog. And then we can like call my house like the den or the kennel or something. What do you think?

Dog den. Woof, woof. Like a woof den. I guess. Pack. Pack is good. This is my house. Why don't we call it?

Call it law of this. so we don't lose track. Okay. It's just like my stuff is here. Naming rights. Naming rights. I feel should remain with me. Okay.

I think all this place is a fine name. Okay. Generations. That's not, I mean, that's just something that's stuck in my head for a while. But the reason I asked you guys here, you know, I came here because, like, I want to prove that, like, Like necromancy isn't just like evil and there's other uses for it. But since I've been here, man, it's just been like one thing after another. And it just is starting to feel really dark and kind of heavy.

And I need your guys help performing. It's an old Ravenwood kind of right, a ritual, if you will. And I need your guys help to put a bag of dog poop on the gentleman's front door. step and light it on fire and watch from the bushes as he stamps it out and gets poop all over his shoe. Oh, boy, this necromancy stuff is dark, though. That's dark. I think it'll really help kind of clear the darkness around us and kind of transfer it to him. I would like to do a religion check. Awesome. to see if this is a... If he's kidding, or if it's a prank.

Right. Or if it's real. There's three things it could be. Yeah. Well, I guess we'll decide... Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah, that is a natural 20.

That's a natural 20. Natural 20. I mean, Travis, you're the one who can answer this question. With my natural 20. No lies, no bullshit. He got a Nat 20, dude. He has been told, okay, Rytus has been told by the ghost of his great, great grandfather. Yeah.

That this is totally a real right and ritual of the Ravenwood family. But it exists in no religion ever. Okay, cool. Yeah, no, you're, we haven't seen him in a while. Your tiny, tiny, tiny, great, great, great grandfather ghost appears. With a 20, I think I can speak to him. For his shoulder. Yeah, with a 20, you can see him.

You can see the ghost of his great, great, great grandfather. He's so little. And he says, that's right. Fantastic, I'm explaining your mendacity. Sorry, this is Rickus Raven with the first. Yes, I mean, it's great, great, great grandpa. There's a number of greats in there. I can't keep them straight.

But this is, we love doing this kind of stuff down at the crossroads, making a skeleton step and shit. Ghostman? Ghostman. Is it magic? Uh, yes. Ghostman? You speak plain to me now.

Is this magic's? You're in the middle of the world's most sort of premier magic using contest, so yes, this is... Coastman, I rolled a 20. Do you just like slinging poo on people's watches, or is it an arcane art? You don't understand necromancy can really, really wear you down. I understand everything about necromancy, I rolled a 20. Yes, but so then you know, you know the darkness that infests your heart. You have to let it loose a little bit and cut up and get silly.

No, I know that whatever dark magics I do on others, is revisited on me three times over. That's what I know. There is a heavy knock at the front door. I'll get it. Hellgram it, you open the front. He's been having a very confusing few minutes. Yeah, I haven't.

He hasn't understood who you were talking to. You open the front door to the house and you see standing there at the front door mat. Sorry, give me one second. Don't be burger man. You open the front door standing there on the doormat leading inside is an orangutan. And the orangutan, he is holding a small brown thing. paper bag. He looks at you, Hell Grammat, kind of curiously. Then he looks over your shoulder over at you, uh, Rictus, and he holds up the brown paper bag and kind of like nods.

I hand him, yeah, I hand him to Throgs hard lemonade's as payment. Yeah, he hands you the brown paper bag. He's grubhub. He says, uh, he smiles. Clabs his hands. And then cracks one of the bruskeys, just drains it right there. And then sort of scampers back. Chug, chug, chag. Scampers back to his house, which is, he's your neighbor, actually. He's in a gold house as well.

Scampers over to his. Is this name Clide? His name is, no, that's Pranklin. And this brown paper sack, hellgram it. And Laura, it smells so bad. and it is a bag of shit, and he's just delivered it to you, Rictus. So the hard part's done, really.

Well, it depends on how much fiber he had in his diet. He only eats bananas, and I don't know how that translates. I can't believe you just said that. Is it wrong? I can't believe you just said that Prinklin only eats bananas. That's all I've ever seen of me. Fast forward, dusk has settled. It is fully in dark of nighttime now.

And the three of you are about to do a pretty good prank, I bet. Let's talk me through it, Radis. So here's what I'm thinking, right? Hellgram it, you've got that camouflaged carapace, right? Yeah. We are thinking alike, my brother. Yeah. And so you go over, you sneak over, you pop that bagger on there, right?

Yeah, yeah. And then Loravith, what kind of fire stuff do you? you have? Hmm. I have a little bit of lightning. Okay. I'll use chromatic orb, right? And send a fire thing.

Fire's unpredictable odor from there. Yeah, and I'll set the bag on fire. And then you, like, throw some rocks to knock on the door. Right? And we hide. And then we'll watch as he, like, goes to stamp it out. But it's poop, right? And it'll get a poop overshund.

Did I cast a little? lightning lash on the back of turrets? No, no, no, no. You're hurling rocks and stuff to knock on the door. How did it catch a flame? I'm going to use Chromatic Orb and shoot like a fire, a little fireball at it. I thought Crematic Orb was just colored the whole time. No.

My understanding, now my cousin cast Chromatic Orb. It was his whole thing. And my understanding was that it was just colored balls. So you tell him it was more useful than that. Yeah, it's different elements and stuff. No, are you serious? Yeah. I would have been nicer to him.

Okay. All right. I thought he was just a decorative kind of guy. All right, let's get the stealth check. Now it makes sense when I used to ask him for help decorating for parties. He also is so offended. It makes much more sense. El Gravitt, let's get a stealth check with advantage using your chameleon carapace as you creep up to the door to deliver the bag.

It's so good. That's up. 13. And that's another whopping seven. Yeah, with a 13, I mean, this is a closed door dead of night. You have no reason to expect that the

gentleman is, you know, awake or looking out of his windows. As you sneak up with your chameleon carapace activated, you are able to deposit the brown bag that Pranklin gave you all. And retreat back to the bushes where the other two are hiding. This is rich.

Okay, sh, sh, quiet, quiet. We're pranking today. Yeah, okay, be chill, man. Come on. I can't wait. He's gonna come out of the door and stop on the movie. You can't say prank him. Yeah, Bugman.

Act like you been in there before. Come on, man. Okay, okay, okay. All right, chromatic orb is just a ranged attack spell. Okay. I assume you're using fire. Nat 20. Holy fucking shit.

I don't know. Travis, I'm so tipped it in this moment to just you obliterate. No. With a not 20, it should happen exactly as I wanted to, Griffin. I mean, with a Nat 20, you're going to roll double damage. Double fire damage. But I don't want to do double fire damage, Griffin. Then you shouldn't roll the Nat 20, my man.

But I get to decide what happens, don't I? You don't. Nat 20, trust me, this will be great. Double fire damage. Jesus Christ alive, 31 points of fire damage, Travis. That poop doesn't stand a chance. But it still totally weren't. A 31, you send this chromatic orb flying at the front stoop of the house.

It touches the bag, and there is a humongous explosion of fire that implodes in on itself. It's a very controlled sort of spell. I will give you that with this Nat 20. There is a ashy black spot on his stoop where the bag was. And as you look at the sort of like destruction you have wrought, you hear, and behind you, Pranklin hands you another bag of shit. And he kind of like shakes his head at you. Like, that was too much fire, man.

Okay. That was way too strong, dude. Okay. Round two. Okay. So, yeah, thank you, Branklin. And I hand him two more Throx-Arluminates. Oh, ho.

He kind of gives you an eye and then wonders back off to his house. Okay, this time, let's try a lighter. A lighter. Yeah. I hand, I hand, I hand, hellgram the new bag and a lighter. Okay. Oh, it's all on me. So you put it there and then light the bag and then run back here.

Right. Okay. Gotcha. Okay. All right. Give me another stealth check with Advantage, please. Oh, that's a one. It's a net one.

That's a big old one. Okay, but here we go. Here's the other one. It's another one. Jesus Christ. That is two not ones in a row. Two not ones on advantage. They said it couldn't be done.

I dropped the bag and step in it. I'm going to need, I need like, our math. forward listeners. You know who you are. I need to know what are the odds. I think it's one in 400, Juse. Genuinely, I think you would do 20 times 20. I think it's one in 400.

For this to be the moment. For this to be the moment. On such a meaningful role, like, I have to find a way to punish this in an enormous, important way. I really, you need to take like 30 seconds because it's got to have like a narrative. Yeah.

It's got to be powerful, man. Like a long-lasting. Like a huge. It's so bad. Long-lasting effect. It's dad's biggest fuck-up, and my man has fucked up in some way. Yeah, no, it's truly catastrophic. Sorry, to be clear, Dad's biggest D-D-related.

Right. Fuck up. Right. This doesn't come close to real-life ones. I have a suggestion. How about if his giggling gets out of control and it gives him away? Dad, we're looking for, like, you giggle so hard that you're asking. Your ass falls off.

Your ass falls off and the Ziggurat Island falls to the ground and destroys the world. Like a one in 400 fuck up is like so big, my man. And it's like a huge opportunity for narrative growth. I have spare arms if you want to do that bit again. Yeah, that's awesome. That's awesome. Um, okay. Nat one, Nat one.

You creep up towards the door and... Hell, Graham, you scuttle up to the front door and you deposit this bag right on top of the sort of like blackened ashy spot where the other bag was destroyed. And you get the lighter out and begin to flick it, trying to light this bag. You struggle to do so. and it seems like it's not lighting. And you're like trying to check out exactly what's going on with this lighter, trying to troubleshoot it, and it burns your kite and his thumb,

and you drop it into the ground, and it sort of like slides off of the porch into the bushes in front of the gentleman's home. And Rick, this is, like, standing off in the bushes with his arms raised, like big eyes, like, come on, right. Yes, not the same bushes that he just dropped the lighter into. Different hiding bushes. A few seconds go by and before you can locate this lighter into the, in the bushes where you dropped it,

smoke begins to pour upwards from these bushes as very quickly a conflagration appears in front of the gentleman's house. What do you do? I guess HellGramet, what do you do first since you're right up on it? HellGramut is going to use Frostfingers to try to put the fire out. Okay. Frostfingers is an attack role, I believe? Yeah. Okay, actually, Constitution saving throw, taking 2D8 cold damage on a field save,

or half as much damage on a successful one. Why don't you, we'll say this, going to roll damage. And if you can hit a certain damage threshold, obviously the fire can't dodge. This is a question of like, is this enough kind of like ice? So roll 2D8 and if you can beat an 11 with your damage, this will put the fire out. You realize I have a chance of rolling four ones in a row here. Two D8? Why invoke that? I just, I, I, I just, I'm okay. Okay. Here we go. A one and a six.

So that's seven. With a seven is insufficient. You blast one of the bushes, freezing it solid. But the fire at this point has spread and has begun to sort of, the flames are beginning to lick at the windows of the gentleman's house. Fellas. Fire. Fire.

Fire. A little help here. Fire. I'm going to cast chromatic warfare. again, but this time, sorry, this time it's water. Okay. So a ranged attack. That's a Nat one.

Uh-huh. Okay, yeah, the orb goes wide and tall. It actually goes up way above where the bushes are into one of the windows of the house, smashing out the window, and inside of the house you hear a caboosh, and you hear, What the? What's going on here? And you hear footsteps beginning to run towards the front of the home. Thunder dogs, run!

At this point, the fire has spread. It is now like the house is on fire. The home is ablaze. You can see like the front paneling of this, of the very nice residence has begun to blacken and smoke. and are you going to run? I believe that's what I said, Griffin. Okay.

I mean, that's easy enough for you and Loravith if you want to just get away. You are not close to the house. Hell, Grammon, if that is your plan, I'm going to need a roll for. Just to be clear, I was kind of at it. Loravith was kind of at a distance where if he took like five steps away, he could act like he was not. He was involved in a different scene, yeah, for sure. He's like, he's so on the brink. I haven't spoken for 10 minutes.

He is so on the periphery of this. I can't be clear enough. I don't think I can get it. Help Graham is going to cast Frostfingers again. Okay. But this time he's going to do it properly because what he should have done before was roll 3D8s. Oh, you're going to cast it aside. Okay.

I will say the fire has spread. I know. We're going to need a higher roll here with 3D8, I think a 14, 14 or higher. Okay. Come on, baby, come on, baby. A four, a two, and a six. That's 12. That is a 12.

With a 12, you are actively blasting the front of his house with icy magic, sort of ineffectually as the front door of the house opens. And there in his robe and sleeping cap, you see the gentleman from Wisbury standing there looking at you aghast. He says, What on earth are you doing? I saw your house was on fire. I'm trying to help.

My magic is not very powerful. I'm sorry, but my heart is pure. Rictus comes running up from a distance. Out of breath. Yeah, I tried to chase him, but Dr. Lekum got away. Sorry, Whistberry. Yeah, we saw him. He put a bag of poop on your step,

I was trying to light it on fire, and we came across him, and I tried to get him. Time's a waste and let's get this fire out, boys. I'm going to need a deception roll from both of you. Insight, he got a 16 on his insight roll. That is the number to be. Well, Griffin, I got an eight total. He looks at both of you, looks at his house as it begins to go up in flames.

And both of you make a wisdom saving through, please. Okay, 18 plus 4, 22. 10 plus 2, 12. All right, this is the first time, Rictus, that you have resisted the effect of his time-stopping power. You see the world slowed down. You see the flames as they begin to lick up to the roof of the house, grow to a near standstill,

and you can see Oh, give me a stealth check. Okay. 17 plus 2, 19. Fuck yes. He doesn't realize that you are not stopped. You can see him look at you

and at hell grammat and for, it's not a flash. He thinks the world is frozen. A look of deranged malice appears on his face and this sort of like nice fancy gentleman demeanor that he has, stops. He first walks over to Hellgramet, and you can see him put his

hands sort of like under Hell Grammet's armpits and lift him in a sort of like unnatural way. Here in this like frozen time moment, like physics seems to be behaving a little bit differently as he now begins to pull him backward into his house. He does, so he pulls him into, deep into the kitchen. You can see him walk to the back door and turn the lock with some effort. And then he walks back outside of the house up to you. And he begins to grab you sort of similarly under the armpits to drag you into his flaming home. As he walks up to me, Griffin, I'm going to sweep the leg so he falls into the fire.

Oh, shit. Okay. Give me an attack roll, please. 13. Would I have advantage? It's a surprise attack, for sure. This is a surprise attack. I will for sure grant that. Please give me. Okay. So 13 is what I got. That's the highest one. A 13 does not hit. However, you do sort of, I mean, you shock him, right? You go to sweep the leg out. He is a little bit more used to. It's like moving through molasses. You are still not quite used to, like, moving in this space. but seeing you moving and resisting this effect, he makes a face that suggests that perhaps this has never happened before.

As that happens, he breaks concentration. The spell ends. Hell, Grammat, you are now in the middle of this flaming building. Because of Rictus, you know, the gentleman didn't finish doing whatever it was he was going to do. And so things are not so desperate for you. But if you remain in this house, they will become desperate very quickly. The gentleman looks at you, Rictus, and says, How on earth did you do that?

Oh, it's because I'm smarter and better than you, Piss, Barry. What do you do, Hellgramut? And Loravit, I guess. You're still kind of seeing this unfold. Can I unlock the kitchen door? Yeah. I think Helgrimma's going to unlock the kitchen door, try to get out of it. Yeah, it is.

I mean, it's not hard for you to do so, right? You're on the inside of the door. You can unlatch the dead bolt and make it out. And as you do so, like a beam from the ceiling falls and crashes down into the kitchen where you were standing. If this had gone differently, you all definitely would have been trapped inside of a burning building. But you are able to make your way outside relatively quickly. As you do that, an alarm sounds, just a loud ringing claxon from the center of the island. and you see a dozen sort of buckets of water floating in a line,

sort of Fantasia style as a bunch of unseen servants come and begin to douse the flames. A lot of the other aspirants have come out to see what's going on, obviously. This is a pretty tight quarters. The whole time this is happening, Griffin, I, Rickus is like holding the gentleman's eye, like, staring at each other because Rickus wants the gentleman to know that he saw him doing what he did. Okay, cool. I love that. You are locked in with the gentleman, just sort of staring each other down as the fires subside and smoke begins to pour out of the gentleman's ruined house.

and as that happens, you see Osham. And he actually materializes in like a little floating, like crystal ball, a sphere of glass that just kind of floats over. You see an image of Osham saying, what has happened here, please? Who is the cause of this blaze? The gentleman looks at you and then looks over at the ball and says, I was smoking a pipe, and I was being careless. My apologies. I've seen you repair greater damage to this island. Hopefully you can get my domicile back to a respectable state without much effort. He is continuing to lock in on you, Rictus. Yeah, you'll have to be more careful in the future, huh? Osham says, yes, we will repair your place, please.

Gentlemen, you can rest in one of the houses of one of the fallen aspirants for the evening as we repair your home. Everyone back to bed. You have a, what? Thank goodness that noise, the noise of this whole calamity had awoken me. I briefly hoved over to see what the danger was, but it looked too perilous. so I kept a good distance. Give me a deception check, please, Loravith. It's...

I think it's only half deception, but I will grant you that. Did Loravith fall asleep? No, I've been pretty vocal about... He's been sort of like laying back a little bit. I'm sure of this whole plan. I'm really letting you guys have your moment. If you'll remember, I was trying to walk to bed

and have been for 30 minutes, right? Okay, so I roll a... 13. Okay, yeah, with a 13, no one here has any reason to think you're lying. I think the gentleman looks up at you for like a second, then quickly comes back to you, Rictus. And he says, I pride myself on my ability to get along with just about everyone, Rictus.

But it would appear that you and I are oil and water. And we are going to have to solve this sooner rather than later, I think. Yeah. And he walks off. He gives you a dirty look, hellgrammet as you kind of like. Hellgrammer, actually, what are you doing? You made it safely out of the back of the house. Are you, do you?

Is the fire out? The fire is out. The unseen servants have put it out. The house is ruined. And you can tell, like, looking in through the back windows, like, some of his stuff got pretty burned up in there. And you're not sure if that's going to be repaired as easily. I think hellgrammat turns to the, to the mysterious gentleman.

The gentleman from Wisbury. Gentleman from Wisbury and says, So, no arm done. Could we have our lighter back? You can see actually. one of the unseen servants finds the lighter in the bushes

and kind of like I mean he's unseen so you can't tell exactly, hell no that doesn't make any fucking sense he says no no you may not okay yeah I'll come back later that's fine that's cool

Rick Disk goes over to join Loraveth and calls Hal Grame went over and says like okay so now that our first Thunderdog mission is complete. I have a few notes. And what a success it was? Well, I'm going to say C minus.

Yeah. Well, blame the dice. Pranklin walks back up to you on his fists and looks up at you, Rictus, and there's like a tear in his eye. And you, I think at first you think he's sad because you fucked up so bad, but it's a tear of pride. And then you think, like, maybe Pranklin's into some pretty fucked up stuff. Yeah, man. Maybe Franklin's idea of a prank is arson. And he actually smiles and nods up and down. No, no, Branglin, that wasn't, that wasn't, no, it wasn't the intention.

You translate what he just said in abyssal loosely to, you get it now, huh? And he, uh, Frank, Franklin, no. He holds up another bag, another brown bag and nods. He points at another house. Oh, Franklin. No. He points at his own house and shrugs. No.

Wait, like insurance fraud? Now you said it, you ruined. Maximum Fun. A Worker Own Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.