The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Royale: Episode 17

Episode Date: February 5, 2026

Helgrammite, Loraveth, Rictus seek out who they perceive as their biggest threats, coming as a surprise for some of these opponents. But though the trials proclaim only one can survive, some of the wizards are ready to take their fate into their own hands.Royale Theme: “Wizard Disco” by Louie Zong: https://louiezong.bandcamp.com/album/wizard-discoOriginal Music by Griffin McElroyAdditional Music in this Episode: "Pure" by Jahzzar:  http://www.betterwithmusic.com/; "Atmosphere for Documentaries" by Universfield: https://unil.ink/universfield; "Moulds Sun" by 10 Echo: https://10echo.bandcamp.com/;  "When the Wick is Gone" by The Pangolins: https://thepangolins.yolasite.com/; “If You Can't Be the Sun, Be the Sun” and “The Redemption in Her Arms, the Light at the End of Her Tunnel" by Schemawound http://schemawound.com/; "Languid Dawn" by Blear Moon: https://blearmoon.bandcamp.com/; "tribute to eddy" by Jean Toba: https://jeantoba.blogspot.com/; "The Unknown" by Jar of Flies: https://jaroffliesofficial.bandcamp.com/; "A Rainbow in the Sewers" by Jangwa: https://www.petitesmaisons.it/jangwa/; "Haze" by Scott Holmes Music: https://scottholmesmusic.com/;  and "The Fae" by Mark Lingard: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/mark-lingard/.Immigrant Law Center of Minnesota: https://www.ilcm.org/donate/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Previously, on Taz Royale, 63 spells will be purged from the face of the world, ensuring that the unchecked magical annihilation that claimed the earth does not repeat itself within the borders of the fold. People are dying in there. I don't know what's happening to their spirits. I am not shepherding them to the great hereafter. The format of this forthcoming trial will be a duel.

You and your single opponent will square off in a no-holds-barred combat in an arena randomly assigned to you. You will have until dawn tomorrow to choose your opponent. If you win your duel with them, you will receive a golden award. What will the loser of the duels receive? Death? Hey guys, welcome back to the Adventure Zone, Taz Royale. Our battle royale, winner take all season, we are between trials at the moment. After finishing up the trial of transmutation, you all have just learned that your next trial

will be the trial of conjuration, which will be a duel against an opponent of your choosing. But they have to agree to it, too. You are sort of in that nice rest period between days of the trials. Right now, Loroiveth, at the end of the last episode, you, accepted the dual challenge of your old friend and rival, Grecone, and that was the last thing that happened. So you all have the day here to do whatever you would like. We will do some shopping here towards the...

Montage. Back half of the episode, a little montage. I have also leveled you guys up to level five. Well, I have told you guys to level up to level five. Yeah, I was going to say, Griffin, I had to click the button that increased my hit points by like six. I don't think there's any big sort of wizard features that you get at five, but you do.

Shouldn't there be at five? Yeah, it's so weird how like, I feel like level five for the martial classes is when you get like extra attack. That's pretty cool. For the wizard, yeah, the wizard should still be trying to reckon with the fact that flame leaps from their fingers. You know what I mean?

Like, I should help. that you learn some new punches, you know, at some point. Yeah, no, that's easier. So it's an emotional leveling up as much as. Right. I mean, really, if they wanted to balance the whole thing out, they would make it so, like, when you hit level 10, that was the highest your hit points were ever going to be. And then as your character got older, they would kind of start to lose hit points as they leveled up. Because, like, I'm 42.

I don't feel healthier now than when I was 21. Yeah, 21 is definitely around where you peaked. You do get access to level three spells, which we will maybe get some of when you guys do your random draw later at the atelier. But as for right now, who would like to go first and do something here with this day off? It's up to you guys. Hell Grammer would like to go looking for Dr. Legume. Okay. It is just after.

Which you want to kill Dr. Legume Dad. You asked about him at the end of last episode. And this episode, like the first thing. You're like, yeah, me, I want to go and challenge him to the death. I think you asked if he was one of the 24 living aspirants at the end of the last episode. Like as soon as we hung up. And yes, he is. It is, I will say, just after this kind of, you know, opening invitation you all received to the Ziggurat that morning, people have dispersed and started to go.

their separate ways. You find Dr. Legume. It takes some looking around. You have to ask some folks if they've seen them lately. But you do find Dr. Legume, who is again, again, it is Mr. Bean.

And when you find him, he is... He has a turkey on his head. He does not. He is shirtless. And he's hung up his, you know, gray suit and red tie, sort of on the cliffs next to the falls where he is sitting underneath engaged in just like a deep

meditation. He is ripped. And you don't know if this is like if he's just been getting jacked since the, since this whole, this whole thing started, you know, a week or so ago at this point. But he is. Any battle scars? Yeah, dude. I mean, he looks incredible and intimidating and cool in the torso.

area. This is your first time seeing. He's got a tattooed, too. Oh, of what? Sleeve. Full sleeve. Of what? Yeah. It's a fucking magic wand that is jabbing through a skull. Smashed through the skull. Yeah. And it kind of wraps around his arm. Yeah, and there's a speech bubble coming out of the skull's mouth and it says, I'm dead and you killed me, Dr. Lague. So that's where he is meditating. Is it a mantis skull? No. What? No. Why would it be a mantis? Because that's not a mantis. I don't think Because dad's a mantis.

I don't think dad's really a mantis, is he? He's mantis-ish. He has lots of different bugs inspirations. Anyway, you find him, you approach the falls, you see him meditating underneath the powerful water flow. He does not seem to notice you as you approach. My dear doctor, hello, Dr. Leggiel. He holds up a finger silently, telling you to just chill for a minute. Right, okay.

I can't whistle because my chagin will not allow. I'll just sit here. His eyes shoot open. He looks at you. He shoots you a nasty look. He holds his palms upward and levitates upwards into the waterfall's flow, landing next to you by the cliff where he is hung his outer wear. He takes a look at you downwards now.

He's, like, gotten huge, and he says, What? Doctor, I realize that you and I have not gotten off on the right foot. But I come to you with a rather bold idea. I don't know if you heard of what transpired when, We were thrown up into the air. Were you, have you heard any accounts of...

I heard that... I heard you fell down like a baby. You went down like a baby and cried like a baby. Yes, yes, that's exactly right. It was bug versus baby. Everyone called you larva boy in my group. Yes, I, uh, I've heard that. I have had a revelation, doctor.

I don't belong here. I have no business being in this competition. My illusions of grandeur were very much illusions. I saw how small and insignificant my world is and how even more small and more insignificant I am in relationship to it. I have to get off this, and I think I have an idea how to do that and to allow you to advance in this competition without actually. killing someone.

I would... I have no reservations about killing anyone. Oh, well, see, then this will work right into your plan. He kneels down and puts a hand on your shoulder. That's how huge he is now. He says, I was like you once. I was afraid. I had not stepped into my power yet.

Brother, you gotta hit the gym. That's where I found myself. You need, if you are sure you do not possess the strength for this world, you must find that strength. And I will tell you where I found it. Mm-hmm. In the gymnasium, may I say? In the gymnasium. In the gymnasium.

Yes. Look at my arms. Do you see any possibility of muscles there? No, this is, these are spindly little protein chitin. There's nothing for me to build up. It's not chitin. You should really know. It's organic.

Yes, he's the one who has it. Maybe we've all been pronouncing it wrong all these years. Well, and in my language, it's beautiful and sonorous. He dries off with a towel and gets dressed. He says, so what's your idea? My idea is that we mutually agree to challenge each other. And we somehow, we somehow arrange it so that our dual. takes place near the edge.

You cast your featherfall on me, and I jump off the edge of the whole damn thing, and gently drift to the ground and never, ever have to set foot on this damnable floating island for as long as I live. Do you think that's going to work? It seems like they would have some sort of measure to stop people from just doing that. Well, I would think good sense would be the measure that people would have to not jump off the edge of a giant floating city.

That's a good point. I am desperate. I cannot function. I mean, just having this conversation, just standing here so near the edge, and we're not that close to it. And looking over a graveyard to see the edge. Oh. It's super spooky for sure.

Give me an insight check, please. That's pretty low. Five. Five. He is really studying you right now, and it's hard for you to read his exact body language, such an enigma is Dr. Legume. But he kind of is, he considers your offer for a little bit, looks you, looks you up and down,

and says, this isn't some sort of trick, is it? Not some sort of ploy. No, this is not a boy. This is, I need out, doctor. And I assume that, are you a doctor of medicine, or is it like an honorary thing? like, you know. It's like how, it's like how, um, like DJs and emcees will call themselves like Dr. Fat Beats. Oh, yes.

It's made up, but make pretend. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh, well, so, uh, I, I assume you're not bound by any Hippocratic oath or any... The only oath I have sworn is to that of the Iron Church. Any flexes again? No. shirt tears, he buttons it back up. Well, I wish you would consider this.

If nothing else, look at it as an easy victory, then. I don't know. I'm desperate at this moment. I don't want you to blow up your sort of spot, but I kind of need to know if this is a deception or a, persuasion situation. You know what? You rolled the insight check here. How about a persuasion? That would seem to cover any angle. Well, if it's a lie, then it should be, if you are trying to, if this is a ruse of any kind of way, then I think a deception would be, why don't you just roll, actually, just roll a D20 and then you can add, you know, whatever stat modifier to it without having to sort of clear. verify. Okay. I will roll a private insight check for him.

19 plus 2. 21. Okay. He says, um, there's nothing to consider. I don't know who else here. I would take on. I have had some sort of cursory conversations with Pranklin, but honestly that that orangutane scares the shit out of me. And so I, um, I like my odds with you, and I'm happy to help you make your flight from the island. As long as you don't try to double-cross me, because if you do, I will have to bring the hammer down. I understand. This arm, I call the hammer.

Yeah, what's the other one called? The slammer. The slammer and the hammer. Yeah. Okay, well, here's the spindle and the bindle, so you can shake either one that you want. He holds out his hand with the grimroar gauntlet on it. Okay, and I hold out the bendel, which has my grimaud on it. Okay, as you clasp hand and claw, you see as the pattern, a silvery pattern, begins to spread upwards from your forearm.

Actually, from your elbow where the kind of like elbow pad kind of spiked into your elbow, first had this gauntlet applied and travels upwards all the way up to your palm and crosses over into his pattern, locking your decision in. Okay, so we, whatever arena we end up at, we'll just make sure that we are close to the edge. Yes. Okay, that sounds, that sounds good. When you get back down below, will you do me a favor? Of course. I want you to go to my hometown, and I want you to tell everybody how big I got.

Oh, yes. Do we have anyone of artistic merit that could do a sketch? I could do some self-sketches if you'd like. You are just a Renaissance man, aren't you? I really wish you'd got the chance to know me before this. I really do have a lot going on, but it seems like... I regret that as well. We've only sort of intertwined during moments of extreme sort of tension.

Ironic, isn't it? Isn't it ironic? We probably could have ended up best of friends. No, no. No, probably not, no. All right, you have locked in your opponent for the upcoming trial. Let's hop to whoever wants to go next, Justin or Travis. I'll do it.

Okay. I need to talk with Gakon. Okay. I asked him to come meet me at my home, which is, of course, a small craggy rock. It's near a ledge. Yes, you have, I mean, your tent is, you know, on the outskirts of the residences. But, you know, if you've been sleeping just somewhere on the mountain, I think that that is reasonable, too. Yeah, I just asked him to come meet me.

Okay. You invite him to meet you in the mountain crags at the top of the falls. I think if you were paying close enough attention, you could have seen this exchange between a huge and shirtless Dr. Legume and Hell Grammet down below. But you are up at the top of the falls and at the appointed time, you hear the unhindered footsteps of Gricon just walking up the side of the mountain like a mountain. mountain goat, uh, up to your position. Uh, as he sees you, he says, uh, Ah, Loravith, I trust you've been readying your body for the contest at hand. Well, if I can be quite honest, recon, I, I've been preparing my, my spirit more than my body. I'm, um, okay, I suppose that's, what is that even? You're on, you'll agree, both are important. Like you've got saved?

So, Grecogn I brought you here today to speak with you about a matter of some import. If you'll indulge me, it's not directly related to our battle, and I can assure you the conversation we're going to have will not impact the battle in, well, any meaningful way. From your perspective. I appreciate that. I don't want there to be anything sort of getting in the way, mudding the waters. We must find out who is stronger. It is our sacred oath. and I won't hear of anything that would interrupt that. Right. Yes, Gregor.

So here's what I wanted to discuss with you. If I, in my heart, am correct about my belief, about the outcome of our contest tomorrow, if, in fact, all that I have spoken with about our contest, I seem to be in agreement that I will, of course, come out on top. That's the outcome. we're all sort of expecting. When you say we all,

who exactly are you talking about this with? You know, Gregorla, I started with friends and acquaintances and, of course, would be predisposed to support me, but even as I delve deeper into your, I was about to say friends, as it hardly seems apropos, limited acquaintances that you've made here, still my prowess was favored by all whom I surveyed. Straight up

Olds making Just That's a Everyone seemed to Think that I would win Can you give me A deception check Please

It's not relevant But yes I will Yeah I mean I'm just curious about How this hits You are I mean

I guess it's deception And yes it is a five Yeah Okay He's kind of like Okay I'm The point

The point I'm making, I can tell from your disposition that you're not buying it. The point I'm making is this, Gricon. I have recently had a huge life change, and I needed to speak with you about it. You see, you have, to this point, only known me as Laura Vithghaonjbondry, a hero to all he knows, beloved friend, skilled lover. But now, Grican... I didn't know about that. I did not know about the last phone. Now you roll for deception.

Six. He definitely, definitely knew that you fuck like an angel falling from the sky. No, but I... Congratulations on being a superior level. But that's not the point, Macon. God, you get so... I used to be like... No, the point is,

I stand before you, Lord of this, called you Mondry-Manderer, the father. And should something befall me tomorrow, Gricon, during our contest, in the extremely unlikely event that I am to fall to you, Gricon. I need you to know that by our traditions, you will be the father.

of a boy named Dober Sweetleaf. No, yeah, I know about our traditions. If you kill someone who's a dad, their kids become your kids. Right. And I'll be honest, that policy works amazing. It's one of our best innovations. I used to be such a fan until it backfired. To see it's misappropriated in this way.

You always think it's such a solid play until it blows him in your face. So Dubra Sweetleaf, That's the little knee-high sort of stoner guy, an adult man, right? Sorry. That's the adult man who imbibes about his own body weight in the sweet leaf. I don't know if you found those with humans, Gricom, but their age is indecipherable. To me, they all look like the tiger beat cover models. I have no idea of the boys' age.

He is a competitor. He is my son, Grecahn. He's my son, and I'm responsible for him since I killed his father, whose name embarrassingly escapes me. I'd prefer you not tell the boy that. But please, Grecall, I just, I'm asking you personally, personally, please, Gricon, if you are able to conquer me in the field, battle which you will by all signs not be able to achieve, will you take Duba's Sweet Leaf as your ward

and raise him in the manner befitting someone of his great import, which I currently believe could be the most important boy in the world. Why do you believe that? What is it that has happened that has made you think that? His ex-dad was so adamant that Duber had to be protected and I wish that I had grilled him in hindsight. A bit more about the boys.

intended purpose, his fate, what have you. But I do know he's... He may be the most important boy to ever live. Or at least this is the proposition. I've been operating under. So, Grecogn, I need you to promise that if you're able to kill me in the field of battle that you will raise

dubus sweetly for your own. Okay, I will... I am going... I plan on winning. And a lot of the people... Well, of course, Grecahn, you wouldn't be the Gakal I know if you'd give it up at this point. Where would be the fun than that?

But of course, you are a realist to do at heart, yes? I'm going to ask you a sort of hypothetical kind of situation, and your answer is going to determine my answer. Is that satisfactory? Seems fair, nah? You defeat me in this contest. You go on to pass the next handful of trials until, at the very end standing atop, the ziggurat, bathed in blood and sunset light, stands you and the only other remaining aspirin Duba sweet leaf. What happens next?

Well, then Gracom, Duba and I get the fuck out! What do you mean? I haven't thought that far ahead, Rekon. I'm just asking you to take over the boy, his tutelage, his tutoring, maybe pay for his college. What do you mean? Get out before you have claimed victory in the contest, Lordwitz. Well, I...

Why did we come here, if not, to win and claim the powers of Godhood? Listen. If you're asking me, if I... Listen. Are you listening? Gurkhan, it doesn't seem like you listening. Gokon, I haven't thought this far ahead. I'll be honest with you and I...

Listen. Here's a thing, Gakon... We can only experience the time that we have directly in front of us, Rekon. Currently, what I am thinking about is keeping Duba Sweet Leaf safe in the unlikely event you're able to defeat me. What happens after that? I don't know, Rakan. Trying to stay focused on what's directly ahead of me. And directly ahead of me is I need to make sure if something happens to me. Someone will be concerned about the fate of Duba Sweet Leaf.

We're going to have a strength contest right now. If you could give me just a strength check, please. The number you were trying to beat is a 16. I got a 17. Okay. Those numbers are very, very close. He grabs you by the lapels and takes like a couple of, big steps forward. It seemed like he was trying to like

dangle you off the edge of this cliff, but you have managed to keep your footing and now the two of you are just kind of like pushing into each other kind of locked horns style. Do you feel it, Gricon? You feel. You feel that you can't win. Do you know why we used to be equally matched? You feel it, Gricon. Look at my eyes. You know why you can't beat me anymore, Gricon? Because I care about something smaller than myself. This contest, whatever you and I are, whatever we have built, the challenge that we have spent our lives creating here that will unfold tomorrow,

will be worth nothing if victory is not your primary desire. You need to get your head right. I will take no pleasure in killing you. If you will roll over and die, do not waste this. Do not waste this. He's going to let you go. Start trudging down the side of the mountain.

Wait, wait, wait, I got something. Wait, come back. God, wait, I have something. He climbs back up. What? I didn't think he would come. Fuck. All right.

Never mind. He marches back down. Rictus, as soon as the announcement of the duels and the challenges and stuff was made, he knew exactly who he was going for. His nemesis, his rival. Sure. Formaggio Bugotini. Dr. Legume.

Oh, but then that guy's taken. No, he's going to seek out the gentleman. Okay, you have to walk past Firmaggio Bucatini to get to the gentleman. You like brush past him. The gentleman walks out of the Ziggurat as soon as this opening sort of discussion has ended. You brush by Firmaggio Bucatini. He's wearing this tall chef's hat. And as you bump into him, you see it kind of like wiggle strangely.

And he grabs it and pulls it down real tight on top of his head. He says, hey, watch it. next you're on the list next time for marcia i hope you guys remember that that's a big bread crumb i smack the hat off no don't no don't don't you can't do that what we mean all right you uh you are going after the gentleman yes the gentleman is walking down the ramp of the ziggarot and uh heading towards sort of the eastern edge of the island towards the towards the Adelier and the apothecary and all that. Wisbury, can we talk?

He turns, stops, looks at you, squints his eyes for a second, and says, I have business to conduct Euryctus. I suppose we can do a walk and talk. Wisbury is the town from which I hail, by the way. It is not my name. What is it? You may call me the gentleman from Wisbury. That's not your.

your name either. Yes. Like if I make you call me the air to the breathless fields, like... Is that the title that you wish to be called by? No. I do not mind to put a little bit of ceremony on our... Oh, my God. I was trying...

I was going to be so civil during this, and you're just such a rock and douche. Okay, well, why don't you go and set my house on fire again, Rickus? Why don't you try to kill me and my friends? That was... Why don't you steal my... That was, again, for the contest to ensure my own survival. Right now, what you're doing doesn't seem to have any bearing on the game whatsoever. So, again, I must conduct some business.

We are slowing down for this conversation. He keeps walking towards the Adelier. I got to get my spells in order. I need to get my magic stuff. You understand. So what is it that you want, Rick? This, I bet I can guess. I think.

it would be best to get this out of the way. You say the words, Rickus. I'm not going to fill in the blanks for you. I think that we should challenge each other. I think it's inevitable, whether it's in this fight or the next or the next or the next. He stopped sort of right in front of the flaps leading into the Adelier tent. He turns and he looks at you and he smiles and he says, no thank you and he walks into the tent coward okay he says just kind of brushes you off walks in i rush in

after him okay you head into the adelee and he is doing his best to kind of just like go about his business in here looking at some of the things on the shelves eyeing some of the crystals uh behind the counter uh he says you are not going to give this up are you when you go into one of these trials, do you look and see if I'm there? I can't say that I do, Rictus. Insight? Yeah. Insight check.

That's a natural one. He's telling the truth. He does not. He doesn't give a shit about you, man. Does not think about you. Okay. Well, how about this? I'm flattered, though.

Rictus, if that's how you think of me, I didn't know I lived rent-free in there, but that's, that's, that's, that's kind of cute, honestly. If you do not accept my challenge, and I win, and you win, then in every trial moving forward, not only will you have the challenge of the trial. but if I am there you will also have to deal with me so why not get it out of the way when it's what the trial calls for

rather than being distracted and taken off of your goal by me trying to kill you I think this has got to be an intimidation check please well it's not intimidating I mean Travis you just said

that you'll have to fucking deal with me in every trial after this. Yeah, I'm trying to make a logical argument for him. You're making a logical argument of a, it is a threat, Travis. Something that I had to learn, Trave, as an adult, is that the way we say things matters too, you know. I think I learned that on Daniel Tiger's neighborhood.

Let's see. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. There we go. Okay, a 15 plus one, a 16. He, I'm not gonna make you roll insight for this. He's scared of you. And he was, before you said the shit, you just said.

But you can tell, like, he is turning you down because he is scared of you. He drops what he's doing, and he turns to face you, and he says, look, Rictus, I recognize that this is not the most courageous position to take, but I am who I am, because I am a pragmatist at heart. I have an ability, the likes of which the world has never seen, and for whatever reason, you are able, with some effort, I hope, to resist. that ability. So why, Rictus? Why would I face you in a duel to the death when I could take on any one of the other 22 aspirants here, who have not already partnered up, who will be unable to

resist my ability to freeze time? Why is that, Rictus? Why would I do that? Because if you agree to not use your time magic, I would agree to not use my necromancy or invisibility. going to agree. Rictus, I don't want to die here. I want to win using every power at my disposal, including the incredible power I have to manipulate time. I'm not going to, he sighs. He says, you're not going to drop this, are you? No, I think I made that clear. Okay. He stops, he thinks. So you won't use any of your inherited necromantic power from the great Ravenwood family line and I won't use my ability to freeze

time. That's the conditions of our duel. Yes. Okay. Okay, that sounds good to me. He looks you down, he holds out his hand. That was a quick change. You can give me an insight check

if you want to. I do. That is a 13 plus 2, 15. Oh, he's lying. He is lying. He is lying to you. I talk to the helper in my grimroar, whose name I've forgotten. Chris.

Chris? This floating sort of crystalline hologram appear over the central gemstone in your grimroar, and you hear a voice say, Hi there, Richter, so what can I do for you today? We're going to engage in the challenge for the duel tomorrow. But there are some conditions that we're swearing upon. Is there a way to ensure that via the abilities of the octave so that there is no subterfuge or cheating? Unfortunately, we are not able to place special restrictions on your duel that we would not put on anyone else.

It is not in the octave's interest to interfere with this context. test of strength. Instead, they will just sort of observe the results. But you can just sort of, you know, promise, make a big promise to each other. And hopefully your opponent will hold up their end of the bargain. Who are you? You see the crystal turn a little bit towards the gentleman and say, oh, okay, I wouldn't, Rick, I probably shouldn't be saying this, but I wouldn't listen to anything that that guy has to say and take it at face value. Thank you, Chris. You're welcome.

Is there anything else I can do to help you today? What time is it? It is. 1103, a.m. And what's like the weather? It's gonna be a hot one. Okay, yeah, thank you, Chris. Could you set a reminder?

Sure, what do you need reminding of? Tomorrow, kill the gentleman of Wisbury. I think he prefers the gentleman from Wisbury. How about just like the gentleman of Pissberry? How about that? Sure. Thank you. Setting a reminder tomorrow morning to kill the gentleman from Pissberry.

Thank you very much. And I shake the gentleman's hands. Okay. You again see these silvery vines growing upwards from your elbow pad of the grimroar upwards, up your wrist and across your palm into the pattern formed by his grimor

and your opponent is set. When I do it, Griffin, I kind of bend one finger in it, tickle his palm. Oh, shit. So it feels weird and gross. You know what I mean? That's, yeah. He pulls his hand back. Yeah.

Okay. Well, I'll see you tomorrow. And my fingers are always cold, too, so fucking deal with it. Yeah, it's absolutely the worst. He marches off, hell, grammat, and Loravith. What's it say? It says, call me pissberry. So give me a slide of hand check, please.

Okay. come on not 20 no it's a four plus two six it falls to the ground he picks it up and says okay that's great pissberry huh

do you get it yes I get it you're gonna get it marches off I flip them off Loravith and Hell Gramut you see this as you all enter the Adelier

for the shopping montage and you all have regrouped here I go up to John and say I need a gun Do you have any guns? Time-traveling guns.

Do you have a time-proof gun? You see John Arbuckle look at you confused and say, I know. Okay. Can I interest the three of you in some magic spells? Some crystals. Anyone want to... What kind of prizes are you all working with, by the way?

You all did receive prizes based on where you finished the last challenge. The lowest three players on the spiral staircase ended up with copper rewards. The three in the middle received silver and the two at the highest received gold. Hell, Gramut, and Loravith, you all were bringing up the rear. You both took home copper prizes. Rectus, you ended up middle of the pack. I, Griffin, I think that is a huge misrepresentation of what Loravith took away from that

contest. Like I might have had gold copper in my pocket, but I've got like gold in my heart. You got gold in your heart for sure. Yeah. So much like what is the value of purpose? You know what I mean? Yeah, come on, Griffin. Um, I think, you even take that

into account that he has on purpose in his life and you should give him more stuff for it. Hey, if Duber's Sweet Leaf hadn't finished dead last, uh, I, I, maybe you could swap prizes with it. He watched his dad die in front of him. Maybe that gets your rocks hard, but he didn't even know it was his dad. He thought he was his grandfather the whole time. I'll say this. I'll say this. Randolph cast that magic spell. You never saw him die. Oh, that's right.

Oh. You never saw me, die. Sorry. You went a little Benoit Blanc there. No, dad. It's one of the things about the adventure zone is that legally speaking, Despite his like incredibly problematic, almost radioactive problematic nature, we must legally reference that one Kevin Spacey video he did where he tried to backdoor. On Christmas Day where he tried to backdoor reboot fucking House of Cards because you never saw. You never saw me. Oh, that's right. I got to download that soon. I'm worried he'll pay AI to erase it or something.

It's the most remarkable, remarkable video. Okay, so who would like to go first? We'll do some spell summoning, and we will do some pulling items from the orb of contraration. I got sober. Oh, yeah, just to clarify. No, you go first. You got sober.

No, no, no. I wasn't saying I should go first. Like you had mentioned. Go ahead. Sure. Okay, with the copper reward, I'm going to pull three spells at random that you will get to choose from.

We'll do that a few times. Now that you have access to third-level spells, They are now in the pool. And there's some juicy ones up in there. Okay, first spell. Jump, first level spell. Triples your jumping distance. We've got create bonfire, can trip.

And gaseous form, which is a third level spell. Damn. Start a fire, jump good, turn to gas. I think I'm going to go ahead and take turn to gas. Gas. Okay. Gash is four. Just one thing for sure.

The folks behind D&D, jump is a dumb spell. I know it's been in there for a long time, but if I ever in my real day-to-day life, Saul a wizard do some things with their hands and feet and then watch them jump 18 feet in the air, I would laugh at them. I would say it's a huge waste of time, a waste of magic. And like 30 feet. If you saw a wizard, an old man in a rope, just absolutely do the long jump and land in the stands?

That's crazy. But he has, do you understand the thing that I'm having problems with is that he has to then jump? Do you understand, like, there's got to be other, like, manifest ladder, anything could be jumping. Like, just jumping good is not, I just, it's not magical to me. I mean, there's a lot of bad spells that I just think jumps a pretty bad one. Okay. three, we've got Agonazar's scorcher

which is a second level spell, shoots out like a wall of fire. We've got distort value which is a first level spell. And we've got a message,

which is a cantrip, allows you to send a telepathic message and receive one in response for the person if you're choosing. Yep. I'm going to get that one. Okay. Take message. Just for the last. Just because we're doing an audio podcast, though.

It's just to the narrative. That beautiful. Yeah, no, it can be like, it'll be out loud for the show. Yeah, but I'm saying, like, I'm taking that spell because it opens up better narrative possibilities. And that's really beautiful, I think. Uh, okay. And we've got cause fear, which is a first level spell. That's natural.

Inate. That's just what you do. We've got Flaming Sphere, a second level spell. Hopefully the last one will rhyme as well. Press the digitation, so sadly no. A real crappy crop. What are these again?

Cause fear, first level spell. Flaming Sphere, a second level spell, and press a digitation, a cantrip. Classic cantrip lets you do like a bunch of different sort of magic tricks. This was the spell of Randolph. before he fell and added it into the rotation. I'm going to take press digitation.

I feel like even if it's kind of stupid, it's probably going to be more useful than a big, a big flaming sphere is a real big choice. You know what I mean? Like you're really shooting the cannon indoors with a big flaming sphere. Yeah, absolutely. Okay.

you, you know, do the ritual you see as these stones float down from the kind of... You think it feels like. You think you just, it's like when you understand something that you've been trying to understand for a long time, or you think it's like a memory coming back to you? What do you think it's like to learn a spell? I mean, I think pressidigitation would be a very interesting sort of example. As you slot it into your grim war, you are flooded with memories, only this time the memories are those of Randolph. You see him meeting some halfling folk while out on a sort of arcane study in

the hill country. See him meeting Duber Sweetleaf and his friends. You see him sort of enjoying a pint of amber draft. Is there a speed option or is it, can it go faster or? You see him smelling the breeze through the high. I'm looking for like a fast-forward or triple. You see him enjoying. Travis, Dad, are you guys still hearing of the honey, sweet pies of Madam Sugarfoot's bakery? I take it back off, I guess. Oh, how sweet.

No, it's still talking. I smash it with my heel. Please stop. It is overwhelming. This is an ancient wizard who studied his sort of very, um, multi-utility spell for a really long time at like several prestigious academies. And you, you just all of a sudden, now you remember all that stuff. Now wait, okay, no, no, wait, no, wait.

Now, hold on. See, this is what I want to drill down into, because I think it is going to be narratively important. Sure. There's a lot of information in a human mind. Right. Are all of this person's memory, like I don't, if I'm walking around with everything these people know, then I'm going to be able to narratively, I want to be able to remember stuff that they knew.

And I feel like that's maybe not the intent that you're going for, that I have access to all these people's memories. But that's like, as you're describing it, that is what you're describing. Give me an archa check, please. Okay. It's a 19. Okay, holy shit. That's very good.

You've done this a lot now, right? There's been like a 10 or so of these spell crystals containing the memories of the wizards who trained in their sort of unique gift, right? Everybody in this world who can use magic has one spell that they know that they sort of gain access to through rigorous study and practice. Pretty much all of the other crystals that you have claimed, the memories have been like pretty limited. The memories have been limited to exclusively the study, the time that they spent studying those spells. They were abstract things. You couldn't reach in and remember the favorite food of Ignacio, the Red Ranger, who's stone you claimed in the first trial, right? You can just kind of remember the study that he had. With Randolph specifically, those memories that you saw of Duber's Sweetleaf, that was kind of unique. Those weren't limited just to his. his studies. Or maybe they did. Maybe his use of prestidigitation to like delight the

halflings of the hill country is sort of like tied up in it. But you definitely like, I think you have the realization right now that there can be a lot more that is transferred through these memory stones. And as a result, I think you also realize that like there's also a lot more that can be kind of harvested, if you want to think of it that way. Do you, so the memories are, I guess what I was trying to drill down in is if that was like a sensation,

you had talked about it when we got spells. I was trying to ascertain if that was a sensation of getting the spells or if that's something that we maybe still have access to. And it sounds like maybe these are like hidden files, maybe to use a computer terminology or like read only, hidden down deep, got a crack through the ice.

That could be the takeaway from it. I think the more sort of straightforward takeaway. And again, you're gleaning a lot right now because of this very, very strong Arcana check. Randolph was maybe a cut above in like the classification, classic wizard magic user rankings. He was extremely, you know, proficient in this thing that he could do, right? maybe his sort of inherent ability, his inherent sort of like spellcasting prowess allowed him to pass on a little bit more than

kind of what everyone else did. I'm not saying that now you are part, you know, well, I'm not going to muddy the waters at all. That is the sort of takeover. Okay, thanks. Sorry. Yeah. No, I think that, hey, this is a big kind of like mechanic

and I'm glad that you're asking questions about it. Who would like to go next? I'll go next. Heck yeah. I'll go again. Without fail. Okay, hellgram it. Yes.

Three spells at random. You get to choose one of your value. The first is blur. Okay. No, not the band blur. Why did I just gobble the word blur? Your body becomes blurred, shifting. For the duration, any creature has disadvantage on attack rolls against you.

Unless their attack doesn't rely on site, or concede through illusions. That's a second level spell, by the way. Next is Witchbolt. First level spell. Shoot a lightning bolt at someone. If it hits, then you can spend the next turns. Also applying that damage automatically with your action,

if you so choose, unless you are interrupted or break line of sight. Distort value, again, first level spell allows you to trick someone into thinking something is worth more than it is. Blur. Which bolt? Distort value. Blur, please. Okay. Next set, you have Phantom Steed, a third-level spell.

Of course, that lets you summon a Phantom Steed. Magnify Gravity, which allows you to, I mean, do just that in a selected area. Slow enemies down, do some crushing damage as the first-level spell. And Ray of Frost, Cantrip. I'll take magnified gravity for 200 Alex He's going to try Magnifying gravity I'm so glad we got that out of

Yeah I wasn't going to And then he chose it Yeah you always were going to Well I was going to and then I took a drink of Celsius And I threw out off You're all welcome Okay and we've got Charm Person

First Level spell We've got Counter-spell, third-level spell, use as a reaction and you can cancel out spells of third-level or lower, or roll to cancel out higher-level ones. And, gust. Guest. Cantrip.

Charmed person, counter-spell or gust. Man. Why couldn't they have been crappy choices like you gave Justin? Yeah, come on, Griffin. I did not give Justin. in anything. These were selected with a very, very advanced patent

pending spreadsheet. You know what? I've never done counterspell. Let's try counterspell. Okay. All right. You've got Blur, magnified gravity and counterspell. Those are some fun ones. Okay. Finally, we've got

Richtus. Now, Rictus, your Silver Prize allows you to select a spell level. if you would like, and have your three spells drawn specifically from that pool of levels. So if you want to try and draw a cantrup,

if you want to try and draw a third level spell now that you have that slot, you can target those, and then all of them will be selected from that. Well, then, Griffin. Let's start with third level then. Can we draw three third level in those, please? All right.

We've got Poles. Sway allows you to shoot out a wave of force and either push or pull people and objects towards you and deal damage. We've got hypnotic pattern

that allows you to create a sort of illusory shape in the sky anyone who sees it and fails their check will become incapacitated until roused from their well hypnosis. And

thunderstead lets you teleport sort of short range, and wherever you appear, deal potential thunder damage to anyone nearby as you let out a booming crack of sound that reaches 300 feet away. I'll take Thunderstep, please. Okay. What are you, what would you like next?

Such a good question. You can also, if you just want three random spells, if you don't want to target a thing, that is like that. Can I have some cantrips, please? Yes, you may. we've got minor illusion we've got a chill touch

and we've got a ray of frost hmm what's minor illusion do minor illusion has some restrictions on it I think it can't let me see you create the sound or image of an object

within range that lasts for the duration the duration is one minute it can be a sound ranging from whisper to a screen It can be a voice, a lion's roar, beating of drums, any other sound you choose, or an image that cannot create sound, light, smell, or any other sensory effect. And you said the third one was Ray of Frost. I'll take that one, please. Okay. All right.

And you know what, then just three random spells, please. All righty. Mirror image. Second level spell lets you create three copies of yourself and then potentially have enemies attack those copies instead of yourself. Lightning bolt. Third level spell shoots out a big old lightning bolt.

And we've got silvery barbs. That is a first level spell that allows you to, I believe, force disadvantage on an enemy who fails a resistance check and grant advantage to an ally. Silvery barbs. Silvery barbs.

It seems like Dad is quite taken with silvery barbs as an option. I see. Actually, that was just from my one-man show, Burl Lives, a man in his music. It's really good, Dad. That's beautiful, Dad. Sorry, Dad's Burl always gets me.

Ever since we were kids. He's like a second dad to me. He was like a first dad to me. Like a first dad. When Dad would show up with the baking soda in his beard and hair and say, It's me, Burl. We would know we were in for a good night.

We knew we would at least have a dinner tonight. Burrell always fed us. That's the thing I loved about Burl. He always went to KFC first, Burl did. He would keep us up so late. So, so, I'm just so tired of next day. Such a headache. We had had one more hit from Dino.

I'm going to take mirror image, please. All righty. That's a fun one. That one, it's, when you have more images, when an enemy attacks you, you roll a D20. And if it's above a certain threshold, it just hits one of your illusion instead. Okay, so that is the spell draft. And then you see John Arbuckle hold up the glowing, pulsating purple orb of conjuration and says, okay, guys, you know the deal, hands in.

good luck and there's some good stuff in there maybe you guys will get some some choice cuts this time you got some the snickle fritz last time but I feel good about your odds this time do the tiers of rewards matter at all here

they do yes for the copper finishers among you you will be rolling with disadvantage we take the lower number with a silver you just roll straight up okay I'm going to go first this time

okay because I went last last. I got an 18. Holy shit dude. Good time for it. You reach in to the orb of conjuration and

with an 18 the darkness reaches back. No? Okay. You reach in and you feel your hand clasper on a wooden handle and as you pull it out you retrieve a somewhat mundane looking four-paned lantern. Glowing inside of it, you see a white flame that is burning within, and it appears to have these sort of like very faint tendrils of darkness

kind of whipping out of this white flame periodically. You feel a sort of unnatural cold coming from that. this lantern. This is from our listener, Stephen, who sent in this submission, as did all of our listeners to the Adventure Zonecast at gmail.m. email account, a lantern called the Shadowseer's lantern. It grants the wielder the following effect. Once per day, you can cast the darkness spell centered on the lantern.

The wielder of the lantern can see through the darkness unimpaired. Oh, cool. Okay. John Arbuckle is visibly stoked as a non-trash item. is finally kind of retrieved. Okay, who wants to go next? I'll go. Okay.

Roll with disadvantage, please. Well, 19 and a 1. No, no. Okay, so with a 1, you reach in and you also grab a handle. And you're like, hell yeah, more magic lanterns, baby. And you pull out a

it looks like a lightly used toothbrush and it has sort of just a small kind of plasticy handle it's kind of a faint aquamarine color the bristles like if you inspect them very very closely you would know someone has used this toothbrush before but you can feel it pulsing with a tremendous power you've retrieved from our our listener mary ann who also submitted an item that was chosen last time. The truth brush. This is very appropriate for you, Dad. Once per day, bestows a curse upon anyone who uses it to brush their teeth,

causing them to only speak the truth for the next 10 minutes, as though under the effects of the Spell's Zone of Truth. That is appropriate. And is right up there with the never rotting banana peel I got last time. Yes. Probably from her. I don't remember. I think Marianne did the glasses.

the Bernard's glasses that let you dress up a dead body and pretend it is alive. So yeah, it is a toothbrush. It's like the spell zone of truth, but someone has to brush their teeth with it to get it to work. So a bit more kind of context sensitive, but you again rolled a one on the table. And Juice, your role with disadvantage, please. Yeah, here it comes. looks like I'm going to give you a 10 and a that's a one that's a one I'm not sure if that is let me turn my head to no it's a one yeah it's a one yeah

it's a one zero and a zero one yeah so with disadvantage I'm not I guess we'll go with the one I guess the good news is that you are pulling up the next highest one because dad took the one which was the truth brush. You... I'm not happy. I'm going to be honest, Griff. That's how I'm feeling right now. Just not thrilled.

Kind of one of the cool new thing. Yeah, no, you reach in and you grab what feels like a very sort of small tin can and you try to let it go real quick because you're like, I want something else, but you just keep grabbing onto this one small tin can. You pull out a small rectangular tin.

And looking at the top of the tin, it's got some tiny little greasy looking fish on it. It's got a pull-tap lid. And you can see a label printed on the top that says, sneaky sardines. And this is from our friend Michael who says, well, he doesn't say this. It is written. It is an unassuming tin of sardines. When opened in front of any physically locked door, the lid peal. up in the exact configuration of the key required to open said door.

The key magically silences the lock mechanism in door is to provide a sneaky entrance for the player, giving advantage on stealth or sleight of hand for the door. And you can also eat the sardines for 10 temporary hit points. It is one-time use, and Michael has included, please recycle. So I don't know if there's like a curse that's bestowed if you throw it in with the rest of the rubbish. But these are these sneaky sardines.

trade you my toothbrush I don't see this in the default so I think I might have to make a custom for this one Oh it's not It's not in the default list of items Isn't that strange? That's really weird

Hold on let me enable Some of the extended universe No Turn on the critical role stuff Yeah Okay here it is They call it they call it's Matt's Mersselist's muscles

And it's if you open this tent of muscles Yeah Mercer will come open the door for you That's what it says. That's very, very good. That works. Okay. You all now armed with new magics and items of questionable power have equipped yourselves.

Your opponents have been selected and you return to your quarters awaiting the following day and the decisive duel to the death that it will bring. I also write out my will. You write out your living will, which is, I mean, you do have this. Shouldn't it be a dying will? It's just a will. I think it's just called a will. That point, yeah. You don't write your will after you're dead.

That's, actually, I have it set up. Yeah, actually, this is a necromancer, so I can't. Yeah. He might. Well, no, I told ChatGPT that I don't like AI. I don't use it for a lot of stuff, but I did tell it to write up my will if I do beef it, because I can't be bothered to be that one. See, I told the assault.

some impossible logic puzzles after I die. Is it still the show for God's sake? I don't think so, yeah. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows supported directly by you.