The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Steeplechase - Episode 12

Episode Date: January 19, 2023

To secure their next target, Montrose, Beef, and Emerich must compete on the tantalizing dating show Passion's Cove. Beef gets spicy. Emerich adds socks to the pile. Montrose lives for the drama. Opening monologue performed by Autumn Seavey Hicks: https://www.instagram.com/autumnseaveyhicks/?hl=en Additional music in this episode: “A Chilling Tale" by Kirk Osamayao: kirkosamayo.com; "When You See Me" by SOMM: http://alplus.io/spotify; and "Daisy (EDM Instrumental)" by Zight: https://www.instagram.com/zightmusic/; Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey friends, it's Crystal with the Kay here with another Steepy Watch, and it's a sad milestone today as we mark 100 days since the closure of Stimson's litter luau, one of the sweetest meet and greets in Kidadelphia. This 24-hour seven days a week child care layer had tons of fun for the kiddos, featuring all their favorite furry friends and the world's widest variety of scented slimes. And when us grown-ups were living it up at Passion's Cove or Eustabins' back-sacred. We loved knowing that everyone's favorite cartoon cat was there to help look after our kiddos. But hey, they're kids, right? Even if they never get another trip to steeplechase, they're young enough to never know when to stop dreaming. Today's story, children, is it more of a tip if you're buying Nato Nutmeg? Buy the whole one.

Grind it yourself. The taste is so much fresher. Oh, a tale you say, well, perhaps the nutmeg can wait. Hello, everyone, and welcome to the adventure zone. Quick question. Sorry, I know that I'm always the first to ask questions about the... Steeplechase. Yeah, uh-huh.

So it's nano-nutmeg, which would imply it's very small, but you should still buy the whole one and grind it. I had a question about that too. Oh, well, next time I see him, I'll ask, I guess. Like, I don't know why I have more insight than you guys into this guy. Well, because you have the other end of whatever spectral or an intergalactic horn that allows you to hear from this dude, the muck farmer. Yeah. No, the nanof father. The nanof father.

Travis. So he's very tiny? Wait, is he very tiny as well? No, he's just future. But nano-mank. I can't answer these questions. I can't answer these questions for you. Welcome.

I would love it if we just get into an episode once without Travis showing his ass because he hasn't paid attention to the nanof-father lore. I'm just worried that we're making his stories so compelling that after the nanof-father, people go, I don't care about the rest of this. Oh, yeah, we're past that point, Dad. Yeah, a lot of people don't have the guts to do two different stories. And then if one gets bad, I'll just do the different one. You know what I mean? I have an off, it's a built-in escape hatch for me, right? that. Got it. Got it. Also, Griffin,

if anything, I think the problem is I pay too much attention. Okay, let's start. I want to do crime. I already was doing crime, but I was doing audio podcast crime. Right. Yeah. I was stealing the show. Okay. I don't have a lot of time because I know you guys have the

the barristers after you, right? I don't need to fuck around with that. My name is Jerry Fisher. I'm not actually a large cartoon cat. Probably gathered. That sounds exactly what a large cartoon cat would say.

Yeah, for the record, I didn't think you were a cartoon because I can, like, you're here. I just thought you were a large, uh, furry cat, you know, a large cat. He holds his thumb up in front of your face beef. You're what? My face beef. You're 54 regular? In suit coat? Yeah, about

Nice, okay So he's like Rifling through these piles A junkie has And he pulls out like a gray suit coat And starts to slip it on you beef And he's He looks at you for a second

And tears off both of the sleeves Yeah, there it is Yeah, that's really good Okay And you And he turns to Emmerk And he starts going through this process As he's chatting with you

Like he's changing your outfits He's getting you into different, different, like, casual, flowy, cool clothes. So, yeah, okay, what was that? Yeah, I'm Jerry Fisher. I used to be the primo hunk on Passions Cove. Yeah. Okay. Cool.

Inside, inside the song. Oh, my God. Yeah, yeah, don't get ahead of me. I used to be the Primo Hunk on Passion's Cove I was Scott Boldflex No Yeah

I love your work Thanks I actually I really appreciate that I'm more of a Jeremy Toughleg fan myself Oh yeah Okay yeah

He is actually a really good dude Believe it or not I assume so Yeah He comes across just like Anyway can I ask you I'm talking And I know this is such a fan question.

But you and Debbie Bouncebody always had such good chemistry on camera. Was there anything going on? That is actually so fascinating. She is actually my cousin. Wow. Yeah, I know. It's weird. The chemistry was there, though.

I mean, it's undeniable. That is, hey, can I just say both in the fiction you created on that show you were on and this moment right now, weird. Yeah. The whole thing is. It's um so i was got boldflex and um one day i got pulled into the the offices at denton and they said they they were um going in a different direction which i understand right like it's where everybody knows it's it's a temporary position eventually you know you can't keep it as tight uh you just you can slam it in the gym 24 hours a day if you want it's it's

just not going to stay as tight. You would die. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, well, you have to eat on the peck fly machine. You have to put the sandwich in your hand and then while you're doing the peck flies, you eat while you're...

Obviously. Yeah, yeah, if you want to get really shredded. Anyway, they brought me in and said that they were done. He's still busying about, he's like, contouring, he's giving you a little like contouring makeup, trying to just, like, improve your image a little bit while he's talking.

So they brought me into the offices and said they were going a different direction. And then I tuned in the next week. And it was me. Hmm? It was me up there. Me, Jerry Fisher, as Scott Boldflex, it turns out near as I can figure, they had been watching me. and programming me. They recreated me, basically.

In a hard light. Yeah, exactly. Yeah. The thing that's upsetting is it sometimes fools me, like the moves that he does aren't my moves, but their moves I would do. You know, it's more you than you. It's, yeah, in a weird way.

and, you know, he can work all the time. They don't need to pay him and he'll always stay tight. And how many he'll stay tight forever, but they're my moves, right? Like, I know the moves. I know them, they're mine. Jerry was it? You keep saying moves, are you doing some sort of martial arts demonstration on this program? That is part of it.

Okay. Yeah. But, like, mainly, like, sexy. Yeah. I'm very curious. She's a tough leg, do they... No, no, no, no, no, no. Scott Boldflex is my character. My name is Jerry Fisher.

I am dressed as... I feel for you, though, when I start thinking about Jimmy Tough Leg, it's hard to think about anything else. He does have that one tough leg. It's crazy. And that's also his surname. Isn't that weird how those things work out? Wild, wild.

As you observe him, you're saying that, It is so accurate that it almost fools you at first glance. Almost. You're drooling. Well, no, the sophistication of this hard light is very exciting. There are only a handful of hard light artists who could even... I'm one of them, but, I mean, they could match this level of sophistication. Yeah, that's part of why I brought you guys in, why I asked gravel to drag you all through here.

I only know a little bit about, like, our one corner. Ah, shit. I fell over. Oh. Fuck. Yeah, I got you. Thank you. God, I hate this thing.

Is there not some kind of, like, like a union or something where you're, it feels wrong. Yeah I'll go to the union I'll go to the union and go to the union And go to me You guys are a stitch Okay

But it just feels wrong That they would copy a real person No shit, yeah Yeah for sure That's for sure Yeah And there's no recourse I'm an artist

I mean that's the thing They they I'm an artist And they're Trying to remake me And it sucks And You all

are going to fix this for me, like I said. Two quick questions. And I must, the order of these two is incorrect, but I simply must ask why you are dressed up like a large feline. Yeah. I'm still kind of puzzling that one out too. Every time I go to take it off, it feels like I'm giving up. Like, wearing it, I think, kind of reminds me what I'm pissed off.

off about. And I want to move on from it, right? But I can't. So I'm staying Stimson until I can get out from underneath this because it I don't know. It's like a string around your finger so you

don't forget to do something. It's like that except my whole body. That's the reason you're wearing that cat suit. There it is. I mean, near as I can figure, the mine's a complex forest. Hey, is he lying? Is he lying? Not intentionally, no.

But does he believe what he is saying? As far as he knows, he is not intentional. Let me think about how to answer this question. No, he's not lying as near as he can figure. Okay. I mean, he doesn't, no. Okay.

Good impulse, though. I would, I would, Emrick would like to, um, I don't know, survey him, study him. He looks like a big cat. Yeah. To see if there's anything hard light. Okay. About him. No.

Well, do I have to roll? No, you know about the presence of hard light, right? That's part of your deal. Yeah. Right. Uh, Jerry, listen, you're in a hurry and I guess we're in a hurry so that Emick doesn't get snuffed by some, uh, robot, you know, bounty hunters. Um, um, You've had some time to think about this, and you keep saying, fix this.

Yeah. How? It's easy. I want you to kill me. Well, now that's confusing, Jerry. You have to see. Not the me that is in front of you, the fake-ass me. Yeah.

I lower my small katana. Yeah. I lower my syringe filled with cyanide. The modern beasting. Yes, but Jerry. Here's the problem. I want you to kill, well, listen, you want you to kill me. I want you steal back my guitar, sympathico.

Lord Almighty. Can you order those in order of importance? Yeah. Kill me. Uh-huh. Still back my guitar, Sympatico. Okay, but here's the problem, Jerbert. Yeah.

Because we've run... Oh, I love that. Yeah. We've done a couple of hard light jobs now, and I think Emmerich will back me up on this. Even if we destroy the hard light... Jerry, then they just bring it back in another prism, right? As we have discussed, and this is sort of a contrivance of our story, but I think it's important for any of it to make sense.

Hardlight prisms are not infinitely reproducible. It is not a copy and paste thing. This work is not digitally, like, stored. It is through the technology of hard light, it has to be stored in this prism. So you program it onto that one It's not like a program you can download On to a prison.

Right, right, got it, got it. Okay. Could I ask one quick question, Mr. Fischer? Which I know is not the most logical thing. No, but it's the only way that our- It's the only thing any of it makes sense. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that we could, I think that in our fiction, it's possible to come up with your own facsimile, but it will never be exactly the same. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Mr. Fisher, a quick question. Um, I recently. have adopted a personal credo, so to speak,

of not killing any hard light creature. Would it serve your purpose if we were to somehow abscond with the aforementioned crystal so that the producers of the television program could not use it in any way, shape, or form? I mean, here's what I'll say. As long as I never see them on TV again and I don't see anybody ripping off my moves, then I'm good with whatever. Jerry, we cannot guarantee that no one will rip off your moves.

If they are as stellar as it, as you have described them, I assume they are already all over TikTok. But this is the thing, right? Like, I want it, it, I want to inspire people with my moves, but what they've done is make something that's making new moves with my brain and my heart. That's me up there making new moves. You know what I'm saying? It's different.

Could I have a quick huddle with mantras? Blaze it quick, though, guys, I'm serious. I'm not fucking around. You know this would make the basis of it. You literally just said that you have now moral, recently developed moral obligations about the killing of hard-eyed. I don't want to kill. I say if we can steal the crystal,

I can then adapt it to make an arcade game. Oh, okay. Where you beat the shit out of Scott Boldflex? Where you fight. There's a lot of people who would like that. A lot of freaking nasty, just ugly souls people. Okay, but listen, before we get too far down

the line of beating up people from TV shows we watch, For money. For money, of course. It's nothing sorted. Um, Scott, uh, Jerry is rubbing oil into your arms beef while you talk. Jerry, could you excuse this for a moment? I mean, okay. Yes.

I'm starting a clock then. Okay. Does it not strike anybody as weird that this fellow is, uh, mentally locked in this suit. And we, we're just kind of taking his word that he's Jerry Fisher. Oh, no, no, no, he can't lie to me. No one can lie to... No, I know that. But there's a difference between lying and thinking a thing so wholeheartedly that it feels like the truth to you.

All right, Socrates, I suppose, with that logic, how do you trust anything anyone says? No, no, no, no, no, mantras, what I'm saying is there have been people throughout history who have, let's say, imagined they were a historical figure or famous person so wholeheartedly. that they required psychiatric attention. Sure, sure. Let me just sort of clear up one kind of, just to sort of like paint the ethical boundaries around this situation. And I turn back to Fisher and I say,

how much are you paying for this job? Six sweets. Can you do eight? You bring back simpatico. It's eight. Is Sympatico hard light? What is guitar? Sympatico?

Yeah, it's my guitar This is God! It drives me fucking, it's my guitar. Okay? It is hard light, but they programmed it to play on its own. They don't even have the thing playing the guitar.

Anybody can play Sympatico now and be fantastic. Which is... Let me write that down. Gross. Okay. I turn back to the other two. Eight sweets, y'all. This is, uh, listen, if this is going to become a side hustle of ours, then we need to hustle.

And we need to have something to show for it. Eight suites is a small fort. But we keep one eye open at all times. Well, yeah. We should keep both of them open. Yeah, you're being hunted. Reception, if nothing else. I reckon, you are still being hunted by cyber hunters.

So, uh, you should keep as many eyes open as is available to you. the opportunity to be able to create screen scrappers. That's the game, the idea, the title I gave up. That's not a good title. It's not a good name. Scrappers. That makes it sound like someone who breaks down garbage for like recycling or something. Jerry, we are in now.

Why are you oiling up Mr. Punchley? Oh, well. I mean, you can't take him out unless you get close. and there's only one way that I could think of for you three to get close to him. You're going to have to, you're going to have to compete on Passions Cove. Oh, God. You've just, you've just, you've just, un, uh, strolled off of your undercarriage onto Passion's Cove. Oh, shit.

It's beautiful. It's picturesque. There are, uh, large palm trees. as you walk in from the pier you see blue skies and clouds and there's a smell of tanning oil in the air. Is anybody rollerblading? There's no rollerblading.

Oh, damn it. You just see one woman walking towards you. She's wearing a bikini and a sarong and a large floppy hat. I like the hat. And she looks at you and she said, Oh my God, is that what you're wearing? wearing.

A bunch of cum stains. Greg! You can't say that on our family show? Greg and Tyler. This must be on Fox. Greg, you said there weren't any more ugly people coming, Greg. Justin, Tyler McRoy. What if this gets turned into a graphic novel someday?

Someone will have to letter that in print. Greg, these nasty gist buckets are still so... No, you just did. Okay, sorry. Shabethany, I'm so sorry. Hi, Greg. Guys, Greg Jennings. So cool to have you three.

Greg Jennings? We got him. Great, welcome. Welcome to Passion's Cove. This is super cool. I'm so glad you guys are running a little bit behind, so I don't love that. But we, hair and makeup is like,

it's deece. It's deece. You'll cut it. Greg. Tees nuts. Yes, Shab. Bethany. Greg, they're so ugly.

Greg, people are going to think that I'm ugly too because I'm competing against them, Greg. Well, you gotta have some fodder, Shabethany. So, you know, I'm sure, I'm gonna make it to the end. I know, Shabon. I know. Let's get you guys over for the first shoot. Okay, follow me right over to this way.

What's this production look like, Juice? you see people with cameras all over and you see people sitting by themselves sort of like reclining and talking to the camera in a very confidential fashion some people are sitting on benches

directly talking to the camera some people are chatting together with cameras surrounding them it is vignettes as far as the eye can see of people shooting their individual segments. You're walking with Greg over to a sort of main set.

You can tell because there's an elevated dais right on the beach that you can tell sort of a stage type thing. You see a few other people milling around there. And you are walking with producer Greg. He's got a clipboard and headphones around his neck. So you guys have any questions before we. before we get rolling. Who's our handler on this one, Greg?

Is it you? We'd be assigned out to another AP perhaps? Yeah, we, you know, it's a very self-guided sort of thing. Some of the other people might grab you. I might grab you just to do some one-offs and some confessions and stuff. But mainly just like, we'd love it if you just like be you, you know, just be yourself. Well, like a better, you know, like a... Yeah, sexier version.

We get it. Yeah, just like a rock card. Real quick, just so I'm making sure we're straight. You are Beef Punchley? And you're Montrose. And you're Emrich, right? And he's looking at clipboard. And no shit, there's your names.

You know, I was thinking I could punch it up a little bit. the name to have it be a little bit more, you know, in the grand tradition of Jeremy Thickleg, Scott Boat Flex. We act, yeah, you for sure, so Montrose, what was the last name? Let's go with Evan for the first name. Something right over the plate. You know what I mean? Okay.

And then Good Party. Evan Good Party. Yes. Okay, so that's like a stage name? Well, we're not on a stage, I guess. I suppose you could call it a beach name. Yeah, that's fine. A lot of people do that.

That's fine. Yeah, what's yours? My name is Omar. Flat Fanny? Omar, Flat Fanny. Great. Okay. And mine is Johnny.

Johnny? Shrimp toast. Shrimp toast. Okay. Johnny Shrimp toast. Okay. So I've written all these down, and we're for sure going to get them on the lower thirds. I will probably continue to refer to you as your given names, just for legal reasons.

I'm method. So it actually would be way better for me if you could at least call me shrimp toast. Yeah, I'm, your method, but I'm busy, honestly, and I got a lot of people to keep track of. So I'm just, but for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure. the lower thirds will have these stage names, so you don't have to worry. Now, Justin, we have clearly all watched this show. We understood the references immediately. What is this competition?

Well, buddy, you're about to find out. Okay. Parenting, it's hard, but don't worry, you're not alone. Belly up to the low bar with one bad mother and let us remind you that fine is good enough. They want to climb on different things. and how am I supposed to keep them both from dying? There is a right way to do this. And if I can figure out that right way, I'm going to be a good parent.

So that is not a thing. So join us each week and let us tell you that you are doing a good job. You can listen to One Bad Mother on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. This week on Bullseye Tom Hanks, as you've never heard him before. Mad. You moron! Thank you for the use of the turn signal. Way to use your blinker.

Idiot. That's Bullseye for Maximumfund.org and NPR. You are led up to a stage with 10 people. Sorry, is that right? One, two, three, four, five, nine people. And one woman is standing in front of you and talking to the camera. Suddenly, with very little warning, you kind of thought there'd be more of a buildup. You hear a music sting, the lights flip on,

and this woman standing in front of you in, like, a pants suit with, like, a cool shirt. If you're listening and you know what cool clothes are, I imagine, like, a cool shirt with cool. I could see it. Yeah, man. What's the color, juice? Yeah. Pampas. Oh, yeah, yeah. Pampas, for sure.

Perry Winkle? No, he said Pampas is the color. He said Pampas if I. Pampas. Purrampus Uh Johnson, as soon as the musical sting starts, I hit a sexy

Pose face. Cool. Very cool. Do you want me to roll finesse for that? Um, the camera's not on you, but you can It will be. Yeah.

Okay. Wait, let's see how good I'm going to say this. Yeah, let's see it. Let's see that finesse roll. Control standard. Hmm. Five and a one. Oh, yeah.

I'll make success, baby. Yeah. How does that how does that surface in a sexy? That's up for Justin. One peck goes out. Well played.

Mix success. You do it great and no one cares. Hell yeah. Boom. These nine sexy singles come from all different backgrounds from all over the globe and the gender spectrum. There are varying levels of intellect,

alcohol tolerance, and facial symmetry. But there's one thing that's the same for every one of them. Their horniness. level, which is to say extremely high. They'll need every ounce of their brains, twerking ability, and upper body strength to win the heart of our Primo Hunk, Scott Boldflex.

I'm Crystal Howell and welcome to the 174th season of Passion's Cove. Okay, singles, how we feeling? Horny! Good, love it. Hornyer. Hey, whoa, man. Tonight, corneous. Sorry, that will be decided with science.

As usual. Tonight could be the night that you begin a lifelong love affair. We're going to meet the man of the hour in just a minute. But first, I'm dying to meet all you sexy singles. Pay attention, everybody. This is your competition after all. And if you want to have any chance of hooking up with them or destroying them psychically, the more info, the better.

You all are third in line, like the last three because you showed up late. So the camera and the lighting is going person by person to the row of people in front of you. So we're going to let them do their intros right now. Hey, I'm Ricky Asparza. I'm an earnings engineer from Las Cruces, New Mexico. I own over 14 hats, but I'm always looking for lucky number 15. Hi, I'm Delphi Reynolds. I'm from Greenbank, Vermont. I, uh, I sell hand-blown hamster balls on Etsy, and I love pickleball. Hi, I'm Kip Jacobs. I fix boats with my dad in

Nantucket, Massachusetts, the same place that they made the famous sitcom wings. I'm non-binary and non-non-horny. Hey, I'm other Ricky. They keep telling me I'm other Ricky. And when I got here, I didn't have a room. I don't like my odds, but I'm going to give it my all. I've seen every Transformers movie in the theater. Hi, I'm Jahal Wilkes.

I am 65 years old, and I just love dating shows like this. And my niece Angela thought it would be a stitch for me to come on this trip. I've been happily married for 43 years and I love canning peppers from my garden and I would guess I'm just about the usual level of horny. Hi, I'm Shlabethany. I'm an absolute shitbird. I don't like potato chips and I hate movies. I teach poor kids how to pluck their eyebrows as part of my court-mandated community service. I'm a tourist, but not one of those kinds of tortoises. I once caught a wild fox and fed it poison.

It's so hard to tell which of these people is going to be the villain. All right. I think it's Jahela. The camera pants to you, Montrose. Pants to me? Yeah. God, why is it me first? All right, you stand there.

No, I got it. Silently. What's up? What's up? I'm Evan Good Party from Dinosaur, Colorado. I'm a beetlejew. I buy all the medicine and sell it back for more money. I work hard, I play hard, I fuck hard, I fight hard for what I believe in. Beef. My name's Joddy Shrimpt Toast, and I'm from Bayou, Mississippi.

And my favorite things to do on the weekends is to train puppies to save other puppies from alligators. I've never punched a clock on purpose. I don't work. I'm broke. But I don't need money to be happy. I just need sexy love times. Let's cuddle, monkey. I say loud enough for the camera to hear me.

What's with this fucking guy? I wink at you, beef. I'm as sincere as they come. The camera has panned over to Amirk. Right. I smell like bread. Go ahead, last dude. Hey, hey.

I'm Omar Flatfanny for a much-koshkosh, Wisconsin. I'm a Brazilian waxer Um On amateur level Roast dude Do you I collect Side long glances

My sign is A slippery when went Hot chaw Hot stuff So Sir Travis you're Johnny's shrimp toast Yeah Always

I didn't have enough motherfuckers Tockers track of here, I'll just keep track of your fake names. And then Griffin, one of yours, was your dumb thing? I'm Evan Good Party from Dinosaur, Colorado. I'm a Beetlejuice. Wow. You all are so sexy and I love the energy in here.

It's almost time to meet Scott, our Primo Hunk. But first, we're going to let y'all get settled in. Take it a little time to yourself and we'll be right back after this. Cut. All right. That was great. Super good. Why don't you all just go ahead and get a drink? I think Scott is still getting ready. Why don't you guys just sort of talk amongst yourselves and, you know, get acquainted. Do we have trailers?

You have stools. Where is Scott's stool? Oh, Scott's got a trailer. You're not Scott, though, are you? Yeah, he is really hunky, but he does have to meditate before every show. So we don't disturb that time of Scots. I go straight to Schlebethany. She's staring at your mouth agape. Yeah, listen.

I can already tell, we're going to have the ultimate rivalry this season. You're going to be, let's be honest, as you said, a shitbird. I'm going to be like the sincere boyfriend type. So let's just go ahead and establish right now. That is you versus me, and we can get these other fuckers out of here. Uh, especially Jihala. I do not trust her one bit. Am I right?

If I could go back in time and kill your parents, I would. Perfect. This is a good, establishing thing. I forgive you for that because I know that we've all been through some stuff and, you know, we just have a lot to learn and I don't hold that. Greg, he's talking to me, Greg. One of the come stage from earlier. You promised.

You're doing a great job. You're really selling this rivalry, Shablet and Tribal. Hey, I'm going to have to, hey, man, I'm sorry. I got to ask you to stop bothering Shlbethany. She's kind of our, she's really important for the energy. Yeah, I get that. But, yeah, she is hard to work with, which is putting it extremely mildly. So anybody else you want to talk to, but just like, if you could not bother Shlopethany, I would really appreciate it.

Mr. Jennings? Yeah, what's up? Emmerich. So there are 10 contestants total? 12. Nine. Nine's the usual. Yeah, yeah.

Usually we go with nine. It kind of scales depending on, you know, this is a little bit of a slower season. I think for 173, we had like 13, and I think 175 is going to have like, I don't know, like 30. It's really busy because you're Valentine's Day is coming up. But yeah, yeah. Oh, good.

Let's get this party started. Wow, that was so weird. Anybody, who else do you guys want to talk to? I want to flag Johnny shrimp toast real quick and say like, hey, hey, dummy, I was trying to set up a rivalry between the two of us. We are clearly not going to win, but if we do not want to be eliminated

week one, we have to have some sort of spicy thing going on some sort of battle. We can control that, you know, because we are accomplices. Oh, right. Right, right, right. It's complicated sometimes. I understand you go and do a crime with someone. Okay, then let me

you're there with the... Yeah. You're clearly a master's strategist when it comes to dating trips. Shall we take out the weak one because other Ricky seems teetering? My friend, it is week one. People will be tripping all over. themselves to fuck up in a way so big and bold as to be removed from the premises as quickly as possible. We just need to not be among their number. And one way we can guarantee that is that

we have some rivalry that they can sell for the teaser for week two. So, okay. Don't hold back. And meanwhile, we can get, we can get our other, Omar to go around and look around for weird hard light stuff. Okay, sounds good. How certainly? How's my hair? Towsled, but in a very attractive way. Cool. I want to see if I can flag down a, hmm. Can I read the room and see if there is like a producer here who is not Greg, who maybe looks like they're a little bit lower down the chain of command? Yeah, it's just Greg right now.

It's just Greg right now. There's probably some, you know what, there's probably some PAs. you want. No, it's okay. I'll go up to Greg. I say, Greg, I should tell you that this is not my first. You need a drink? Can you drink with that thing? I can, but I am quite, I'm okay right now. I don't, I don't like to actually get drunk on the job when we're shooting one of these things. Ha ha, that was an enormous joke. Hey, you're out. Can I ask you a question, actually, before you ask me your thing? Yeah, yeah. Your casting kind of came from pretty high up. at the last minute, so I didn't have a lot of chance to do background checks or anything.

Yes. Under the mask, is it good? Oh, it's fantastic, yes. Yeah, okay. Because I didn't know if you wanted to save that for, like, a reveal or we have a lot of people that come in and try to cloak their identities, right? But, you know, I don't know if that's part of your thing or if there's like a, you're not like somebody famous, right, at the end of. this or anything like that. I mean,

are you asking me if I am Rudy Giuliani underneath here? I guess I'm asking you directly if you are Rudolph Giuliani underneath there. For the record, I would also like to know. No, I am, of course not. He died many years ago

from a fart so big that he made he made a fart so big and so stinky that when he smelled it, he died. died. And his pants fell down. His pants fell down when he died and everybody laughed at his weird butt. And if I remember, sorry, I overheard.

Then they raised the flags to one and a half mass. Yeah, they raised it. They added up higher. I thought I was surprised, you know, he's America's mayor. But everyone was really so excited. And they kept them there for two years. I have, even when other more. More important people died that everyone loved, they still wouldn't lower the flags back down.

I hope so somewhere Rudy Giuliani had just sadly clicked off this pot. I hope so too, Justin. He hung with us through even the rough seasons, but he's now, this has pushed him too far. He hung in there through commitment even and now we lose him. All right. Listen, I say, I mean, it's a non-issue, isn't it? like with a mask like this and hard light technology with the lights that you are working with. You could make my face look like whatever the hell you wanted to, am I right?

You know, it's weird. We actually don't do a lot of hard light. We used to have more, but people get kind of drunk and then like mid-de-botch. People would just sort of break stuff, like break a beautiful crystal lamp or their bed or whatever. So, yeah, we don't use a lot of it around. It's mainly practical stuff. Right, right. Is that a lie?

Huh? Is he lying? No. Huh. Okay. Interesting. Listen, I'm workshopping a little beef with beef for today's episode. Are you comfortable with that?

I love the, I love, I love people who take a little bit of initiative. and don't make me have to come up with the entire story on my own. So I very much, very much appreciate you taking that initiative and bringing something to the process. Okay. I think that that is an excellent idea. Just keep it pointed out way. And we'll light some sparks for you.

Okay. Just don't forget the main goal here is to get close to that pre-mo-hunk. Oh, I have not forgotten that. Amrik is going to use his hard light detecting powers, his ghost mind to determine which one is the right trailer, is the trailer of Scott Bowlesflex. Okay. Or do you think he needs to survey? I think you would, I mean, I don't think you just psychically know, right? Like, we have to have some limits here.

Right. Okay. There are several trailers, many trailers. So you, I think, would need to figure that out. But if you want to start doing a little work to try to figure out where Scott hangs out in between, that is totally up to you. I don't even know if he needs to use his hard light powers. I think he would survey the situation and look for the trailer that has Scott's name on it or a star on the door. That's a good start, Dad.

Why don't you go ahead and do give me a survey role, though. This is not risky. This is controlled. Controlled for sure. I feel like we never survey, which is maybe speaks to our unique play style. Okay. Bonus.

Wow. Whoa, six. Wow, Dad. We love that. We love that. That's where I waste the six. Yeah, that's where you get. Not a waste.

What would be a waste is if you roll the six while you were trying to pose sexy at the beginning of a fake TV show. Right. Dad, dad. It's that one. Nice. Imagine in your mind's eye, a seven trailers and his is one of them. It's that one. Do you see it?

Mm-hmm. It's that one. The fourth one. Yeah. The one with solar panels on the top. Okay. With a six, does he notice some crack that it's just big enough for a human head to fit through? Yes.

Oh, the door. He's, yes, thank you, Travis. You saved me the trouble. Yes. For a six, don't you think I'm, with a six? With a six. He's the star of the show. I'm sorry.

He turns the hiding. He does think there's like a cannon battle that happened that blew a big hole in the side of his trailer? And they said, we don't care enough about the star of the show to fix that cannon hole in this. Come on. No, but I would think with a six, I'd be able to determine. You find a dollar on the ground.

Yeah. Okay. It's a good trailer. You succeeded in doing the thing. Okay, you know what? With a six, you notice a trailer labeled Scott Boldflex and another trailer adjacent that says Kenshal Denton. Kinchell?

I hear you typing. I'm writing these fucking names down because so far there's a hundred of them. Kenchle Dayton? Yeah, it's kind of like maybe why I was a little frustrated with you three idiots. We're like, actually, we've got a third identity. Now, Justin, is Kenchell a member of like the Dentonic Denton family? No, it's a weird coincidence because I'm an idiot. What's that?

Does that me rephrase? Is that a lie? You would know, you would know if we have talked about, Crystal with the K has talked about Kenchell in previous introductions, so I won't recap that too much here. but he is, Kinchel is the black sheep of the Denson family, sort of,

but he was just, he was supposed to get married and you guys broke it up. Oh, fuck. Oh, you fucked up his wedding. Oh, back in Gutter City. Kenchell was the one getting married to

Elizabeth Owens, I think was her name. Yeah. Can I just say, cool. Listen, I know, I don't want to pass the buck here, but we barely disturbed it.

So it kind of feels like they were, someone was maybe a little, looking for an opportunity. Yes. Because it wasn't like we destroyed the plan. We just caused a commotion and then left. Yeah. I mean,

I don't know how your special day you thought would go, but I did not think a chocolate-coated man would fight other people. And I just say, Hey, Justin, at my special day. You said it out loud, right? And did you really think, yeah,

Travis would have hated that if, like, in the middle of his wedding, a large chocolate-covered man that come in and fought some people and then left? I would assume that even, you or Griffin hired that person as a surprise for me. Yeah, for sure. That would have made me so, oh, look at this large chocolate-governed man,

barreling through three people that I... I love my brothers. This is great. Oh, and he's gone now. We can get back to me marrying the love of my life. What a great and memorable day. So... Maybe for the 10th anniversary.

Are we with... You went on this sneakabout, sort of on a solo miss, right? Right. Okay. Are there, like, we're on a break or whatever, but the people on the cameras, would they be ready if, say, spontaneously, a fight broke out at the craft table? I mean, there are, you should assume there are cameras everywhere. All right. I sidle up to the craft table and start eating veggies veggies in a sexy way and try to get attention.

Try to get Montrose's attention. But not in a sexy way. clear. Those two things. Those are separate sexy and non-sexy activities. I pull a random contestant toward the craft table. Just pick one, Justin. I didn't write all that. Ah, let's go with Jahela Wilkes.

Jayla, Matt, I'm telling you, Johnny, I heard him talking about, like, his Insta following and, like, how he's going to boost his brand. Now, which one is Johnny? Johnny is the one who's standing like really close to me right now eating vegetables. Oh, Beef Punchley. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know.

That's the other weird thing, right? It's weird, right? Hey, Evan. He's talking about telling him. I was a big fan of his in his prime and I don't know if he's, who he thinks he's fooling. Jehela, Evan, I hear you guys talking shit about me and I'm starting to think you guys are here for the wrong reasons. I don't think this is your, Jehalla, you said you're a big fan of these reality shows. I think you're just here to try to get a piece of the action.

And your face, your face oven seems pretty familiar. Maybe you're just doing the circuit. Have you ever been on a reality show before? Have I been on a reality show before? Hit me, bro. If you want to do this, hit me. Now. Beef does kind of a one-handed, like, shoulder push, right?

Not quite enough to be like, this is a fight, but enough to be like, oh, if I could have, oh, I could. This could start any time. Why are you touching me, man? Why, why are you not touching me? Are you afraid? Huh? I think that you're the afraid one.

Stupid. I think you're afraid that they're going to find out that you're just here for the wrong reasons. Are you even in to Scott Boldflex? Let me stop you here. What is the, what is the, uh, I'm trying to decide how to respond to this. Let me know what your intent is. I think we're both trying to create a distraction so that, uh, so that, Emirc can take a look into one of these trailers.

Correct. Okay. What would we call that, guys? Scirmish? Scirmish. Skirmish. Sway? No, this feels social.

I think sway. You're trying to sway their attention. Yeah. I can roll it. I think it would be, yeah, let's give Mantras the lead on the role because he has the better stats there. And he's selling it just as much as beef is. Yeah.

And do I take a, drives and assist and help. You can if you like. Yeah, I mean, I'm doing it, right? I'm in it. Sure. Yeah. Standard risky.

Risky? Yeah. Okay. And I'll take one bonus. And we'll get a 1-4-25. 1-4-25. Mix success. Mix success.

Okay. Here's what happens with mixed success. Greg comes over. Whoa, whoa, whoa, guys. This is, listen, I love this. Yeah. But we got to get over to the other set. For the meantime, right?

Okay, so he's talking to you guys. Gotcha, gotcha, got you. He's chatting with you. He's brought in some other producers. The mixed success part is you're not going to have long. But there is, you know, all focus is on this scene and what Greg is telling you. So, Montrose, or sorry, Emrick, you do have an opening if you want to try to do something. Okay.

Amrik uses the give a ghost projector. and creates a very simple construct of a pair of tube socks rolled up together. I love you so much, Dan. Can you not just have socks? Can you, why don't you just have, I'm going to give you one weight. I'm going to give you, I'm going to add one to your load. Okay. That's fine.

It's a pair of tube socks. Mark it down, Matt. For socks. Heavy socks. Nice wool. heavy socks. And he goes up to the fourth trailer

and knocks on the door assuming that there will be nobody responding. It's a bold thing to assume. Well, okay, he knocks on the door and says, Mr. Bowflex,

I have your stuffer you ask for? The door opens and there you see. Can I just take a second here? I love, I let's break character for it. I love my dad so much.

She's a brilliant comedian and a great writer. Griffin and I gave him a long time to think about how he was going to approach this man that we were trying to make fall in love with us so that we could get one on one with him to kidnap him. And dad thought, I've got it. I'll bring a pair of tube socks.

Unprompted, tell him that I realize that he's this man is uncomfortable with the size of his junk. So I brought two sides for him. Now, this isn't a real thing that we know about this character. This is Dad deciding that this van is going to like that Dad's character thinks his junk is small. Go on. Okay, play the scene. Hey, what's up? Scott Boldflex.

I'm not quite ready to come out and party yet. But, um, you want me to sign? something or what's up? Well, to be honest with you, Mr. Bowflex, I am, I, I am here under a bit of a a, a bit of a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, a, yeah, because I, I figured as much,

because my hog is pristine. I know, I know. But for, this is actually, I, for the, everyone else, my name is Omar Flatfanny. I am a, a, another contestant, but I didn't want that to stand in the way of me expressing my admiration for you in all of your physicality. Cool, yeah.

I just, for sure. I am, I am a resilient waxer. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's great. I wanted to offer my services to you as well as these tube socks to be worn, usually with some kind of athletic footwear. or obviously your hog is pristine is pristine thank you

but if I could come inside just for a moment to talk to you about yeah that's that's kind of this is kind of my space so I know but the Brazilian wax would yeah but it's it's all good they got me beforehand so yeah absolutely absolutely fine over here okay so could he could I think Emmerick would

do a quick A study? Survey. Yeah. From standing in the, yeah, study maybe is better. Uh,

standing in the doorway. Like what you can see? I want to you, I mean, I'm trying to determine if there's a projector somewhere or a crystal. Well, you have your, so you have your,

uh, skill that lets you just detect highlight. You don't have to roll for that. Um, Well, I think then he would survey Scott while he's standing there. Okay. Would that be? To what end?

He's hard light. I mean, there's not, I mean, so he is, he is hard light. There is prism, there is a prism there, but would they're not, I'm, I'm, I'm trying to gather information. I mean, for such a sophisticated hard light, I would assume. that, I mean, just like... It can't just be a floating, you know, a prism. To me, I would think there would have to be some kind of device or something that is...

The prism can be encapsulated within it, just like the gear shift. Exactly. It could be encapsulated within him, for sure. It is encapsulated within him somewhere. Do you see the guitar anywhere? Oh, that would be... He's not letting you get close enough.

Okay. Hey, listen, this has been so cool. But kind of weird, too. I'm going to go finish getting prep, but I'm going to see you out there, okay? Pound it. Will you accept the tube socks? Please. Yeah, yeah.

And you see him, like, toss him, and you can just make out this pile of tube socks. He just throws him on to you. Thank you, though. That's so cool of you. Thank you. It's an honor. And remember, Brazilian waxing. Slam!

Slam! Slam! Yeah. Thor! Slammed. And then kind of in an extra loud voice. Emmerich says Well, thank you for the compliment.

I cannot wait to hook up with you later as well. Oh, my God. Did you talk to Scott? Oh, yes. Gross. I don't even want him anymore because he'd talk to you. Oh, no. All he did was talk about you.

It was, uh... Yeah, that's like... A little embarrassing for me. That's like so utterly unsurprising. Yeah. Yeah, you wouldn't believe when he... She pushes you over. Thank you for the physical contact.

I'm really horny now. Oh, boy. Okay. This is the worst day of my life. Did you guys know that? That Justin made the worst day. I was so excited to do like a dating show, reality show thing. I was like, this one really speaks to me.

And I was so insorseled by all the opportunities that that would present to me, a fan of the form that I didn't think about the fact that it would also. be the worst day of my life because of the things my dad would say and do. Well, I'm here. Griffin, if I may, it also seems to have something to do with the fact that our father, at every opportunity things, what is the thing I can say now that would make me sound like an alien who's come to Earth and is attempting to portray the role of horny human for the first time? Yeah, sure.

You all have been herded back to the stage. Okay. In my defense. Please. Go ahead. You all have been herded back to the stage. The lights go on. All right, y'all.

Crystal Howell back here with Passions Cove, are you ready to meet our Primo Hunk? Fuck yeah. Cool. Crystal, I'm ready to meet the man I'm going to fall in love with. That's, I love that enthusiasm. Everybody give it up for Scott Boneflex. What?

Yay! Yes. Yes, yes, yes. Hey, everybody. Oh, my God, it's him. Oh, you know, kidder in real life. Yeah. And he's like, I'm rock hard.

Fuck yeah, dude. Hey, guys. Oh, my balls are tight. I'm Scott Boldflex. I'm a world-class guitar player. I make my living, selling my branded guitar just to all my fans. I was born in Denver, Colorado. Yeah, mile high.

Oh, yeah, man. Colorado boy. And I live there. And I live there now, too. I love leg day. Yeah. I tolerate arm day. And I actually, fun fact, I invented lower back day.

I'm super close to my parents, Fred and Betty Boldflex. My dad is basically like my hero and my mom has a killer body. She's kept it super tight. Yes, she did. I'm also really into fly fishing. I haven't tried it yet, but like, I bought all the stuff. So try to keep it down when I'm sort of talking. That's one of my pet peeves is like interruptors.

And my pet non-peave is disruptors. So that's how I try to keep that straight. B-phrases his hand. Sorry, what? I didn't want to interrupt. You are. But you are. But I raised my hand.

All right. Johnny. Johnny? What do you want to ask our primo hunt? I was just going to say I wanted to lick his abs. Just to say. This fucking guy just can't get it right. Okay.

Mr. Wrong reasons? Whoa, whoa. I love this energy, guys, but make sure you keep it up because I am throwing you all at my exclusive estate here, the party of the century tonight. Get down. It's going to be so awesome. I'm going to get to know you all.

We're going to get a little closer. And then, uh, Whoever ends up with this, and he raises up a golden musical note. Whoever ends up with this at the end of the night is going to join me in the grinding gazebo. And you know what they say about the grinding gazebo? It's dirty? No cameras allow. Artist-owned.

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