The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Steeplechase - Episode 19

Episode Date: March 9, 2023

The arcade employees survey Ephemera to prepare for their large-scale quest. Beef tries to find a knight. Montrose picks up a wolf. Emerich tries on some wings.Opening monologue performed by Autumn Seavey Hicks: https://www.instagram.com/autumnseaveyhicks/?hl=en Additional music in this episode: "Thatched Villagers," "The Britons," and "Wisdom in the Sun" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/; "Celtic Heart" by Kira Daly: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/kira-daly/; "School Memory" by Adeline Yeo: https://clic.ly/adelineyeohp; Behind the Sword" and "The Vikings" by Alexander Nakarada: https://www.serpentsoundstudios.com/; and "Waiting in the Grocery Store" by Kirk Osamayao: kirkosamayo.com. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, Steepie's Crystal with the Kay here, and I know we've been on a little bit of an ephemera kick lately, but we've got some new menu items at Bumber Shoots, the theme restaurant honoring Galactic Heroes, Taco, Magnus Brave Axe, Merle the Pious, and Gert the Talking Dyerwolf. We're talking onion petals to the metal, Hurley fries, Jeff Angel Foodcake, Paloma's Pavlova, Void Fish and Chips, and even Beef Ross Wellington. All we want now is the option for Barry Blue. cheese crumbles to be added to any

entree. Luckily, we here at Steepie Watch, never know, and to stop. We'll find it in the pyre. I'm certain of it. It was a pepperoni and green pepper. Search the pyre.

Hello everybody and welcome to the Adventure Zone Steeplechase. An adventure. I have thought of nothing else. Luckily we've recorded two episodes this week. so that the span of time where it occupied my every waking and sleeping thought

was lessened. But I have thought of nothing else but the end of the last episode since we last recorded. So I'm quite excited. Well, that's gripping. Hold on one second. I need to grab one thing I forgot.

One second. I got my guitar. Oh, boy. That's ominous. You know when Justin says that it's not like a comfort thing. It's not like, yeah, whenever I record, I like to just be able to see my guitar.

It keeps me calm. Well, at least it's not the saxophone. You know that that never leaves his side, Dad. He's a holster for it. Yeah, he's crafted it on to himself. While we have a pause, I got to tell you, this new Rosalia flavor of Coca-Cola Zero. I just heard it. Now, that could have been the saxophone or the sound of our universe imploding.

Or a chair speaking. I think the whole I'm going to get my guitar was a real. ruse so we can whip out the saxophone. Anyway, this doesn't matter. Okay. So, do you guys want a table or what? Yes, if you have one available. A round table.

A round table for us nights, fairly. That's not really part of the bumbershoot aesthetic. Yeah, just regular tables. Okay, yeah, over there. It works. And you start walking through. there's pictures throughout of characters that you don't really recognize. They're not ones that are extremely familiar to you.

Montrose, you might have picked up some of it through your previous journeys. But it doesn't seem to be, it seems like a restaurant that was heavily themed maybe some time ago, but now is much less so. Do you want me to walk you through specials, or do you want to do the selfie thing? Sorry, what? The selfie thing? Yeah, over there, and you see like cutouts,

like a cardboard cutout with a place for you to put your face. Yeah, you can, over there, verily, you can have your picture taken with the original Hornie Squad. There's me. There's Magnus Bray. Ravens, Merle the Pious, and Girth the Talking Dairwolf, the original, all the original guys, and you can just put your head in there and do a picture. And they were, wait, sorry, they were called the horny squad?

The horny squad. The horny squad. Wow, that's awful. Yeah, it's, you know, everybody learned about these guys a while back. I haven't heard much since then, but, you know, we try to keep the legend alive here at Bumbershoop. They're incredible, you know, adventures. Yeah, I'll pass.

Yes, let's not leave any more photographic evidence of our being here than is absolutely required. I'm sorry, this menu is an alien object to me. Where is the, there's so many things. Where's the Phoenix Fire Buffalo wings? Oh, yeah, those were too spicy and they were outlawed. Here's what we got, let me hit you got. Here's my personal RECOs, if I can be so bold. There's the root beer levitation potion.

That's big. We're advertising that a lot right now. We have ground dragon sliders. We have a Beyond the Beyond Burger, which is half fake meat and half real meat. Could I just get a Shirley temporal chalice? Do you want the collector's cup or do you just want it like a regular to go? How much more is it? An amount of money.

That would make sense contextually. Yeah, I'll take it. All right, if you're sure. Do you have Angus Burn's cider? Do you have Magnus Burn Sider on tap? No, no. You mean, do you mean, uh, uh, the, sorry, sorry, you said Magnus, you mean Magnus Braveax? I think he was making a cider reference.

Oh, yeah, we, we have, we have ciders. We also just. I change, I, I'd rather, you know what, I'll have the Merle Highball. Just, yeah, no problem. You got it. Can I have the black Angus McDonald's burger with my Charlie Temporal Chalice? No problem. We also got some frisetta breadsticks.

Delicious. Now, this is confusing because on the menu, you also have an item called the Angus Beef Burger. Right. Now, is one of these... One has black and spices on the outside? Delicious. There's jalapeno fireballs. Halapeno, hot.

I would like the Gaya sashimi. Excellent. Excellent choice. I can tell you got a refined palate. Anybody else have any orders? I'm sure I could think of a few if you give me a minute or two. That's probably why he didn't give us a minute or two. Yeah, well, you've had a few days.

I figured these are the results of your labors. Could I have a side of Garfield, the rice pilaf, please? You have the problem. Wait, he says we're out. Who does? Who says we're out? and his friends. No, the chef, man.

The chef. Okay. Well, then I suppose we'll just have the conchopoeia of different Angus Beef Burger options you have. Yeah, fair enough. Oh, wait. Oh, oh, oh, the entertainment's starting. Let me go work on that.

And you guys take a listen. And you see, up on the stage, a guy stands up, and he's dressed in, like, kind of medieval garb, but he's got a bunch of instruments strapped to him. Hey, everybody.

I'm Johan, the music band, the one-man band, and I'm going to be cranking out the tunes for you for the next few minutes, and I'd love to get started for you. Oh, God, we gotta go. No. So proud.

That's the whole song. Is that... Wait, let me try again. I got to get it clean. It didn't come too clean. Thanks, everybody. I'm going to take a break. I threw something out, but you know, don't forget to tip. I really appreciate it. That was inspiring. Sorry, normally it goes longer. Okay, I got

your food. That was fast. That was really fast. Just appetizers. And here's your drinks. In every drink, there's a little umbrella. Isn't that cute? Don't you wish this place is real? Let's open this. This is basically a pitch deck for the themed restaurant. Yeah, let's follow the success of your planet Hollywood. Your Mars 2112. Yeah.

Is Rainforest Cafe doing all right? Just then, the front door blasts open, not literally with magic. Just like with a big push. And you see a large, what appears to be a large green ogre coming through. And he's got a bulbous nose and two sort of green tree. trumpet-shaped things coming out of his head. Hey, what are they? It's me, Shrug.

Shrug, I haven't seen you since high school. You don't know Shrook. I know. I was trying. Why do you fucking lie, man? I was trying so hard to build some connection here to justify Shrug's existence. I've been looking for the three of you. All throughout fancy meeting you here.

It's me, Shroo. You were looking for us? Yeah, my manager said that you guys were VIPs and I was supposed to give you the grand tour. But I've had a really busy day. Kissing people. What? Kissing people? That's the main thing people want to do here.

They find Shroog and then they want to kiss me. To break a curse or is it a sexual thing? It's not a sexual, but I do like it. I like to kiss anybody. Sorry, sorry, sorry, is it Shrek actual? That's what I meant to say. Who's Shrek? Your brother?

I'm Shrug. He's Shroog. Obviously. Before we begin the tour, any of you want to smooch from Shrug? Sure. I'll kiss Shroo. On the mask?

There you go. And he reaches into his fanny pack, and he has this huge roll of stickers. And he pulls one out and says, I smooch with Shroog. And it's got a picture of his face on it. And he's, puts it onto your shirt.

All right. I wasn't thinking that I would sort of publicly declare this act of... Word of mouth. That's how I get more kisses. Ah, word of mouth, huh? Get it? That's a shrug original. Where's...

Where is donkled? Donkled. Oh, this is a sad tale, are you? Aren't you sure? You want to hear the tale of donkel? Yeah. Even if you know it'll come... from this voice.

Yeah. I must know about donkolds whereabouts are. That makes it even more imperative. And I would just say, frankly, I don't know about everybody else, but this, this voice is making me feel a lot of drama, a lot of emotion, so I'm ready for it. I would love to hear it uninterrupted for several minutes. It was, well, it was embezzlement, wasn't it? He embezzled from the company, and they had to let him go.

He made the real ass of himself. That would be hysterical if they knew who donkled. Yeah, you could probably figure out. What about pussy shoes? They made a spin-off musical about him, and he does a stage show five times a day. Five times a day? It's well worth watching. Say, Shroog, we are hoping to have a sort of special.

Once in a lifetime experience here. And, well, we were hoping that we could maybe go up in that their beautiful tower, that beautiful spy of the center of the park. Yeah, of course. I'd love to give you the tour. Then that, I did not expect that answer, Shrew. If I would be honest. My manager told me to give them whatever they want.

Of course. Who one didn't want to see the tower? Can we have a different tour guide? Do you think, no, Shroo, I can't do that to you. I think, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Okay, are you sure? Because I can ask around, I guess, if you don't, if you don't, you want to give me the kiss off. That's fine.

Justin, just. Back to my swamp. By sight. Is this a person in costume and makeup, or is this? Travis, you will be, you would be damned if you could tell. You've been stared at this guy You've been stared at this guy for quite some time And you, for the life of you

Cannot fucking figure it out And you're pretty adept at it, right? You've been through a note Seen enough of like dentonic prosthetics and all that stuff You have no fucking idea what the deal is with Shrug Yeah More ways than one. He's not Hard Light either. He's not Hard Light either.

No, I kissed him. Yeah. You can kiss Arlight. That's what it says on the T-shirt. Trust me. I can tell the difference. Kiss hard life. I can tell the difference.

Yeah. All right, so you follow. Did you want to eat first? Yes. Okay, so you pass a very pleasant hour or so waiting for your food. Somewhere in there, Beef takes the first bathroom break of this entire series. Yeah, it takes 16 whole minutes. My favorite part in any game, especially video games.

I love them video games when 15 to 20 hours. in, the main character starts begging you to shit. Yeah. Just please, I mean shit. Just once. You enjoy your food. It is passable. Ooh.

But not great. But it's passive. Barada of balance, is that anything? I think that's something. I'm not positive. But he leads you into, he leads you out the door after you settle up.

Oh, wait. First, I visit the rail shitter. Because he has a raging, flaming, poisonous poop. I was really hoping that there would be more brand excitement for Gertz, the talking dire wolf. Who is the... Hey, Jocelyn, trust me, you made it too obvious that you wanted us to comment on that? Montrose turns around. Excuse me, Shroog. I go back into the restaurant.

I put a quarter in the box underneath of the dire wolf. Gerth. The animatronic dire wolf. Uh-huh. How you're doing? It's me, Gertz. I'll be having my body. Can, now wait a minute.

Can we, we can't talk? I put a quarter to you. Wait, who can't talk? Can Gertz understand? Can Gertz have a conversation? No, it's a robot, Gryff? That's what I thought, okay. How do you doing?

Pretty good. I'm ready for adventure. I keep trying to talk to this. this damn thing. It's so... To be fair, that fits with Montrose's this whole deal with animatronics. That's a very good point. You hear, you hear a compressor go out, like the air go out, and then his jaw just hangs down. Oh, no. Like, he keeps talking. You can see it trying to flap, but it's just not happening. Your girth is broken. You got to fix your girth. I haven't heard any complaint so far. No, it's broken. The machine is broken. Oh, the dog,

Yeah, it goes out every once in a while. It's fine. Most people don't seem to notice. How much you want for it? Oh. For girth? Yeah, I'm a collector. I wouldn't mind purchasing a piece of beat-up park history.

Wasn't sweet. All right, you got it. Hmm. I buy girf. Can we have it shipped somewhere? Yeah. If you've fell out this form, give me a drop-off point, and I can have it delivered anywhere in steeplechase.

Are you familiar with Pops? Yeah, Poppy's Place. Fuck Poppy's place. Fuck Poppy's place. No, no, no. Poppy's place is our place. So is the future is you and the buttercream. Yeah, but this guy's not going to deliver to the buttercream.

You don't know about the fucking buttercream. That's fair. That's fair. All right, Poppy's place it is. Does Shrug know about the buttercream? No. Okay. Well, I don't know. You got to talk to him.

Shrude, do you know about the butter cream? What does that? Okay. Okay. Is he lying? It's sort of like a parfe. Wait, hold on. Parfay?

Guys. I thought, I knew it wouldn't go good. But in my head, through saying things that I've heard Shrek say, I thought that I'd have a Shrek. It turns out, I only have a Shrek if I'm saying the things that Shrek. Yeah. It's called a contextual Shrek. A lot of people have a contractual. They have a contractual impression.

A lot of contrarctual. actual borats out there. Sure. Like, yeah. I think Shrug is salvageable if you think about changing his name to Shrekula. Oh, no, he's Shrekula, the vampire.

It's done. What's done is done. So you follow Shrooge out and you start heading towards Giles. I just want to, before we get past it, Montrose did want to know Shrug was lying about not knowing about the buttercream. Yeah, is Shrug a scoundrel? I mean, you would have way you I asked him and he said no no he said he didn't know where the buttercream is no he doesn't know about a thing called the buttercream okay god you're being so fucking cagey about shrewk I love it well you have a superpower to tell people are lying so tough nuggets is gonna find a technicality or two here there um all right so you start heading towards galspire castle um it is uh it continues to be impressive no matter uh how close up you are um but you can see you can see you can see you can see you can see

the stone work starts to become the cracks in it starts to become a little more evident and I mean the breaks from it being a real construction you can start to see a little bit of where the you know the construction is made because it is supposed to be a complete recreation so it's supposed to look just like it did before so it's clean but it's obviously not perfect

because that would be a giveaway you walk through in the castle you are, when you sort of get to the main entrance, there's a large passageway that goes through the main part of the castle. There are doors to either side that are locked to the public. It is surrounded by a sort of moat. And why don't you tell me, give me an idea of some area or where you'd like Shrug to guide you to. and we and we'll take it from there

within the Gulf Spire yeah in the Gulf Spire area yeah sure I'm curious like are there any like events that happen on a scheduled basis

or you know you mentioned the pussy shoes show are there other things that go on you know that people tend to like gather for that we could go check out we must I must say be careful because we have said that cat's name twice now. If we do say it a third time, he will appear.

Who, pussy shoes? It's too busy. You can't come. Oh, no, you hate that. I'm pretty sure that the voice I would do for Pussy Shoes for Anthony Omease. Pussy Shoes would not be great. Locked in jail for good. Locked in jail for good.

Did you hear the Macroy Brothers finally got canceled? Oh, what for? Pussy shoes? Not worth it. Not worth it. No, pussy shoes. Nope, I like Dad's thing. Well, there's the festival.

Wait, was that Pussy Shoes? Because it's starting to sound. No, no, Pussy Shoes isn't in it. The festival? There's the festival. Every night. We have the annual Feast of the Seven, powered by Westminster Oyster Crackers. But those are the finest oyster crackers in the land.

They started a sponsorship, and it was very early on in the days of of dentonic and they signed a very long deal forever. In fact, the company doesn't exist anymore, but they still got their name on the annual Feast of the Seven, which takes place every night. Any feats of strength? There's, well, it's pretty exciting. Have you not seen?

It's pretty exciting. There's fireworks once a night. Oh, look, right there. And he points up to a sort of wire that's connected from near the peak of Gull Spire over to a nondescript sort of meadow, which is at a higher elevation, even than the tower itself. It's really high off the ground, almost the same height. And you can see what's basically a zip line that goes from one to into the tower. that right there That's where

That's where Infinite Jesse The Spectra Fairy Makes her grand entrance Every night She begins the festival There's fireworks And it's a

It's really incredible Uh She takes a zip-la Oh it's like a flying Sort of make-believe I shouldn't have told you The way they do the trick But it is

fairly obvious So is there some kind of Like Anchoring spot where that wire that we're not supposed to know about attaches to the top of the tower?

Do you see the shack and he points at like a small construction wood construction near the peak? That goes down into a dressing room below where Infinite Jesse gets ready for the show. Oh, I want to see that. That's awful. That's

that is awful. I'm sure I'd love to see it too. But it's off limits. Actually, they said it was okay. They? Yes. The ephemera higher-ups who assigned you to be our escort. I was texting with them earlier.

They said it was okay. All right, Griff, you know that you're going to have to roll that beautiful ice. See if this lands. Give me a second to hop into. I actually was not yet in roll 20, so let me bounce on over there. Weird. What do you think, risky, desperate? Um, okay.

This is risky because you're probably not going to get another chance at it. But the effect, I would say, is limited because he definitely should not do this. Yeah. 621. That's a 6, baby. All right. That does it. I mean, what do you want? That does it.

You did it. You can wait outside if it would make you feel uncomfortable, shrew. All right. Come on. You start the long, long hike up the hill. Halfway up. Do you have a map, by the way, do you say you're working, do you have a map you're working off of? No. Okay. Halfway up, you realize you're sort of off the path that is meant for the public. It starts to get a little rougher. There is probably another way to get in. But Shrug does not, does not know. it. But as you

start to slide up the hill, uh, hold on, let me do a fortune roll here. Emmerich, you lose your footing and trip

and start to slide down the hill. Uh, headed, uh, towards a rather precipitous drop off. I'll grab him. You'll just grab him. Which hill is this?

The hill. I mean, just the hill that you're climbing to get up to the shack. Yeah. Where the, the shack is elevated because it's a zip line. Gotcha. The shack is on the hill.

Okay. The shack's on the hill. The shack is covering a dressing room for Infinite Jesse. Yes. Okay. Gotcha. Yeah, I'm just going to sort of reflexively reach, reach down and grab his wrist. Okay.

Give me a finesse. Yes. Yeah. Position. Posish. Pizish is desperate. And effect is. standard. I'm going to use my new ability, which lets...

It adds one D to your role if you also take minus 1D to any resistance rolls against consequences from your actions. So that's fine. Yeah, what could go wrong? We usually forget to resist anyway. 5515. 5515. Okay. You reach down as he's sliding down and he grabs you by the hand.

you manage to save Emric from, I mean, a terrible fate. But in the process of doing it, you accidentally run into a tree that pokes your arm and gives you a nasty

scratch, which was a level one harm. Whose arm? Griffins. Montres. Okay. But you, Trudge, it takes another hour or so. It's a long hike.

And Shrug is like not doing well. All right. You can go up and look here. I'll swipe you in. And he swipes on the keypad on the door. I'm going to stay out here and not talk. That's for the best, I believe. You know what?

Do you want me to stay out of here, Shrug, and we can talk to each other and share stories? I'd rather not talk for a bit. You can tell me everything. No, okay, I'll go in. You stay out here, drink some water. He's waving you off. He's like not talking. Okay, we go inside the shack. When you, can I ask real quick, when he swiped us in, can you tell me the details of that? It was an RFID system where he held his, it's a clearly a key card.

It takes a form of a medallion for him just to keep people in world. but you heard a definite like mechanical beep when he held it up to a certain strangely square stone embedded into this, this natural looking shack otherwise, that popped a latch and opened the door. Have we seen other of these medallions or of these sort of lock locking stones? You definitely, Taco had one and Shrug had one. But we've seen other doors with this. I'm trying to tell if this is like a key position. Jack or a universal sort of key code. I don't think it's a, this is the system that would be used throughout, but not every,

but you would only have access to the things that you. Shrew would have access. Yeah. So different levels of. Not that I'm right. Taco's medallion probably wouldn't have worked in this. Got you. Got you.

Okay. I don't think I have to take a role for this, but I'm using ghost mind, I think, um, Emmerich would make some kind of quick scan to see if there was any hard light technology he could locate in the shack. When you get into the shack, it's very mundane. There is one wall is covered in glass mirrors. There is a Formica countertop in front of it with this thoroughly stain with what appears to be makeup. There are several orange wigs on heads, you know, mannequin heads. There's a word for it, but the word escapes me.

But there's wigs hanging up there. And then hanging up, you see, obviously, the world famous Infinite Jesse, the hyperfairy costumes that are just sort of hanging from the various hooks. And then you see these like three black harness. No, one black harness that is hanging up and you do not sense hard light, but you sense a prism within that harness,

which I don't know if you would necessarily grok, but I'm going to just chalk this up to not superpowers, just like your knowledge of hard light. Well, then I do want to make a role. I would like to do a study role. Okay. Okay.

What are you hoping to learn from that? The function of the prism. You realize that it's a harness. How are you going to study it? Let's start with that. Well, there's a prism within the harness, correct? Yes. Is it visible?

No, it's not. I mean, it's like a black box in the center of the harness where you're assuming the prism is within. Okay. So I would have to open the box to be able to study the prism. Yeah, but like it's, it is no more tricky to figure out than like a battery door. It just pops off and you can see the prism inside. Okay. Then I think I just, I think he would study the prism to see if he can determine what its function is, what it is meant to project.

Okay. So in the, in the process of doing it, you decide to just put it on and slap the big button on the back. when you do rainbow-colored wings emerge from your back. They're large, as tall as you are, and they are, rather than being sort of like natural and flowing, they look like as crystalline, like they're made out of, it's all angles with these crystalline rainbow-colored wings. J-Man, I want to take a look and see if I can make out where the zip line connects on the other side to the Gulf Spire, like what that whole situation looks like.

Yeah, there's definitely a, it is, I think, purposefully not entirely evident, but there is definitely a window going into Gull Spire towards the top of the tower itself where the other end of this wire connects to. I mean, you can see that just, you know, by looking. The fireworks apparatuses, are those here? Are those visible from here? You mentioned fireworks. I don't know if this shack was also sort of the,

where the pyrotechnics sort of were situated. Would it be a control kind of thing? Yeah. You don't see anything that, like, that looks like that in the area of the shack. Okay. Doesn't seem to be coming from this immediate vicinity. Are there any windows? Of the shack?

Yeah. No. Okay. Is there any kind of, like, thing on? on the inside of the door that we might be able to tamper with to disable the locking mechanism. An interesting idea, I mean, I don't, I mean, without like a thorough knowledge

of how this system works, nothing like occurs to me. I mean, you could try to leave it propped open, I guess, but I mean, you would be running a risk that Shrug would notice. Got it, got it, got it, got it. Okay, so, fellas, what are we hoping to accomplish accomplish here? I mean, we have a potential means of entrance and degress.

We, uh, assuming we need access to the tower, um, or at the very least a way to send something into the tower from here. Sure, sure. You know, if we wanted to just like blow up. Yes. We do, from what I understand, we do not need to recover the tower. Simply destroying it and revealing the truth of it would, well, obviously we would. there's some way we can do this without destroying the prisons powering the building.

Amric, here's the thing, though, from our experience over these last couple jobs, having backup plans, I think would benefit us immensely, right? Because I think the thing that we're dealing with here is we need to pick a time when all lives are on the tower, right? but when they won't notice what we're doing. Yes. We also need to get our hands on one of those medallions, I believe, something with a little bit more access than Shrew would be able to give us access to. Sorry, I said access so many times. I'm pretty freaked out right now.

I think we need to get to that. Garrick, was that it? Eric, dude, you know, the guy. It was either. Garrick, Derek, Derek, Eric, for sure. Garrick, Elder Scrolls, something like that. Elder Garrick, the dayshaper. Yeah, that guy.

He's new. Anyway, yeah, let's keep moving. It feels like this is going to give us options. I'm assuming there's not one of these medallions that's lying around. Wow. I'm so glad you asked, there's three of them. And there's, no, there's not. Okay.

Only two. Let's not worry about sabotaging the door or anything. I think the key here is going to be, well, a key. Oh, one last question, Justin. On the outside, is there any kind of security camera or anything we can see? Hmm. I'm going to think if they would be. Yeah, probably.

I mean, there's probably, yes, probably. Yeah, there would have to be. I shouldn't have asked. Yeah, you shouldn't have asked, but there is. Okay. That's a, that's the rule one for Steve will chase. Rule one of Ethersea is everybody has a knife. For one of Steve Will Chase, they probably got a camera.

Yeah. Hey, Shrewg. We're better. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you think it would be a good idea to abscond with one of these many wigs? One of the orange wigs? My worry is, I don't want to raise any suspicion right now, right? Like, better to come and go without making any changes, right?

Because then if someone's like, there's a wig missing and truth's like, yeah, I take the guys there. I just had a realization. Oh, my, oh, dear heavenly lord. Man, I hope it's really good to this. These are people in costumes. Okay. These are not actual fairies. Oh, my heaven.

I cannot tell what the meaning of this bit. This changes my perception. One moment. I take off the wig I'm wearing and replace one of the wigs that are hanging on the wall. Okay. And I put that wig on. Well, no. No, I'll just tuck that one away.

I hope they've got the bread bowl. Have you seen the bread bowl at this place? Good evening. Welcome to Maximum Fun. Have you been here before? It's her first time. Very good. Might I recommend our special?

Oh, please. Can I interest you in the Max Fun Drive? I'm told they're cooking up something. quite extraordinary this year. I've heard about this. With limited time thank you gifts for new and upgrading members? That's right. We'll take it.

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It's the best. Okay, let me make sure I have everything. Max Fund Drive, 2023, with limited time thank you gifts, live stream events, meetup day, excellent episodes, and of course, new bonus content. Sounds perfect. Great. We'll get it started, and it'll be ready in two weeks, March 20th. Oh, can we also get a couple of waters?

Of course. Where am I? On Maximum Fun. What do you want? A podcast miniseries about The Prisoner. Whose side are you on? That would be telling, but okay, I'm on my own side. It's one of my favorite ever TV shows.

We want a podcast on it. A Prisoner podcast. You won't get it. By hook or by crook, we will. Who are you? I'm Elliot Kalin. Who is number one? Jesse Thorne.

But you are John Hodgman. I am not a prisoner podcaster. I am a free man. Are you okay? Elliot, are you all right? Okay, I'll watch it. All four episodes of B-potting you are out now. Hey, Shrug, it's us again.

We're back out of here. Where do the night? to your hair? I lost it. It was a piece, and one of those damned rumba sucked it right off of my head. So anyways, where do the knights hang out? The knights?

Yeah, this is like a fantasy land, kingdom kind of thing, right? So where are the knights? Oh. Um, they may be hanging out at the weapons shop. Oh! I mean, that's an awful weapon shot. Any other questions about the Gulf Spire or any, the festival or anything before we head out? So, festival, we got fireworks happening.

Any other sort of loud and distracting events set up? There's an incredible stage show. Oh, tell me more. A bunch of different characters from all throughout the femuruk get up on stage and they do some songs about believing and magic. It's incredible. Does that include you? Are you a member of the show? Shroog is in the show, yes.

Shrook, I did want to know, too. Are there times when the public does not have access to the Gaulspire? You know, do they close it during the fireworks or anything like that, or can we go visit anytime? You can walk through, but the main castle is close to the public. Oh, how do we get to the main castle? Well, are you duly elected royalty? How do we get to be that? Are you asking me how you can be born into the royal line?

You said elected. You introduced the idea of elections. All right, I'll do. Let me explain the myth. Are you sure? Man, you shouldn't have asked about it. Damn it. Hold on. The current, uh, the, the nobility in ephemera is.

extremely complicated. Okay. And I'll tell you what Shroog explains to you. No. Oh, man. Justin. Hey, Justin, I won't listen. Yeah, I won't listen.

I'll ask again and again. The top of the nobility is the region. Altair Good Hope of the Starfield Good Hopes who inherited the position from Tanvir, Good Hope, of the Starfield Good Hopes. He's the highest power in the land, but he does. really rule. Now the Grand Duke, Silvio Dubrook, has taken over the guardsman for Ephembra and what he considers to be a successful coup, but the guardsman only humor him by calling him sir, and they don't actually follow his orders. So he is not the true power. There's, of course, Vizacount Milo Rumbach Shadow and his twin sister Milo Rumbachado. They've been skimming

from the kingdom's coffers. Everybody knows about this. But the real power, the closest we have to an authority figure is Elder Garrick the day shaper. The day walker. No, they shaper. He wields incredible power. We're not sure what it is, but we've been assured it's terrible.

Are those the first five members of the Council of Seven? No, they're not the Seven. Oh, my mistake. The Seven. The Seven. Our deities, are they not? Sure.

of a sword? Nobody's very clear. We've been saying for things of for the seven and to the seven. We actually are not exactly clear. People have been saying stuff about the seven for much longer than any of us have been alive. We just kept on doing it. The seven. Okay, for the seven.

You need, I have. For the seven. If I draw... Sounding like a true ephemeron. If I draw the sword, do I become royalty? No, but you do get a free dinner at bumbershoots. And a sword. And a sword.

If we wanted to gain access to parlay with one of the members of Noviability, just off the top of my head, the Viscount's Rumble Shadow, would we need to make an appointment or complete a certain number of quests or have some sort of achievement point? Or is there like a meet and greet we can wait? in line for. That's the other. I'm trying to think they usually come out and wave at people during the festival of the seven, the feast of the seven, excuse me.

They usually come on the wave of people, but I can't remember if we've got any quest lines that connect to them anymore. Hey, Justin, here's a question I have that we would know. There's a lot of questions coming to me today, guys, and I'm hanging on by a fucking thread. I was ready to go hang out with the fucking

knights, and you were like, ask some questions. I don't have nights. You doesn't have nights. Guess and guess again. Guess again. People like spend the night in Stebelchase, right? Like there's on-site accommodation. Oh, sure, yeah. There's ins and stuff.

So we don't have to complete this job today. No. So Shrewg, is there like, what's the, a comet? Like, where do we sleep? Where's an inn or something? Uh, who. Let me check. Hey, where are these guys staying?

He puts a finger to his ear To which ear? The trumpet ear? To his, to his, where his, yeah. Uh-huh. Cracks. Yeah, that's one of those. Cracks in the illusion.

No, he just races into the side of his head. Where he's got to stay? Okay. No, I just give him. Yeah, okay. Cabin 37! And he points to a, like, it looks like, if you've ever,

flown over like a new housing development and seen like all the box all the uh the the the the the mc mansions just like in a huge it's like so dispiriting it's just house after house it looks exactly like all the other houses it's kind of like that it's like just a bunch of like fantasy ends but there's maybe a hundred of them just uh light out in rows in this big uh a big area to the side of the main town square area. Very stepfordy. Yeah. If you head over there and check in,

they can give you your medallions that'll let you get in and out of your room. Perfect. I think that that would be ideal, don't you guys? Yes, for sure. If we need to get in touch with you, Shroo, what would be the best way to do that? Anywhere that the righteous are being oppressed.

A phone number or... Eight? Eighteen. Eighteen. Okay, got it. Ask it the counter and they'll get me. Okay. All right.

Are you, do you get uncomfortable in that costume? What's a costume? Okay, we should let Shrude go to rest his voice. Shrug, you're going to need help getting down from here because we are quite high up. I'm going to take a breather and then I'm going to slide down. Is there no easier? I certainly... I just said sliding.

Yes, but the fairy doesn't climb up, clamber up a treacherous hill to get up here. I think she comes up from below, but I'm not sure how that works. I see. Well, if you figure it out, let us know. Okay. Hey, Jamie, as we make her way down, I want to do... I think we should all three do some surveying. Now that he said that, to see if there is any kind of like access panel or.

Oh, yeah. I'm thinking of looking at the tower itself to see if I, I mean, survey location. I do think we need to go in the gullspire, don't you? Okay, but we have to do one thing at a time, right? Yeah. Why don't you do your thing first, show? Because I'm thinking about, like, the access tunnels and stuff that we know about in relation to used to Ben and the buttercream and all that stuff,

that if we can find entrance to those tunnel's here. Good idea. Well, Emmerich has two in study. Yeah, but I think it would be survey, right? Well, he has one in survey. So this is controlled, I would have to think. What are you specifically trying to do to do? I'm looking to see anything that looks a little more like it would cover an entrance to

something, you know, and a little less like it blends into the scenery outside of the shack. Anywhere like on the hill at the bottom of the hill, anywhere where it's just like, oh, this is where like the door to the elevator is. Okay. Or something. Anything that looks like an access tunnel or panel. Like the secret tunnel. Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. I'm going to make this. This is controlled. Uh-huh. And because it makes sense that you would want to poke around here. I'm going to say that it is limited effect because it is going to be hard to find that. It won't be immediately evident.

And if you mess this up enough, Shrug will start to get suspicious. Okay, I'd like to push myself because I have zero in survey. Oh my God. Holy shit. Six! Amazing, Trav, amazing.

As you're walking through just the immediate forest area that's sort of adjacent to the clearing of the shack there is a tree with a large knot in it that looks to be

that you notice is like a little too perfect and when you press your hand to it you can see a sort of person size panel on this tree the line around it

that sort of like shakes a little bit when you press on it, but does not open. Okay. So this might be another place where we need a medallion to access it. Got it. Okay, cool. Oh, Shrew, would you mind, we've found an easier way down for you. Oh, yeah. What is it?

I believe it says here a tree. A secret path? Yes. More importantly, one where I'm not going to eat shit. going down it as I did going up. Let me try and see if my badge works. Nope. Tough shit for me.

And then he starts running down the hill. Don't run. Oh, Shrew. Wait, hold on, Justin. Please make a fortune roll. Make a fortune roll, please. For Shrug? Shrug has a six.

He does it perfectly. Everyone's amazed. Oh, he Naruto runs right down the hill. I'm coming! What? His wife. He's going to see his wife. Oh, wow.

Could Emrick study the locking mechanism for the door? Yeah. Yeah, Shrug left you guys unattended here. What are you trying to discern? If it is hackable. If there's any way around it. Okay. Well, why don't you make a statement?

study role for me. We're going to call this risky standard because we have established the presence of cameras. So if you make too much of a meal out of this, you're going to draw attention. Okay. I'm going to push it too. I have stress to spare. Anybody want to help? I do not have stress to spare. I just push myself. Sorry. Okay. All right. Here we go. Wait, who got... 625.

625. Okay, dad, you study the panel and you take, I mean, probably it takes you a good 15 minutes. You look at it with your equipment. You scan some of the different technology that it uses. You look at the patterns that it's generating and see the waves of electricity that are being pulsed out in different specific patterns. And after 15 minutes of study, you realize there's no fucking way that you could hack this thing. it is ironclad. But you know that perfectly and concretely now.

That's how I get rewarded with a six. Yeah, that's a six. No, Dad, you know you achieved exactly what you set out to do, which is to figure out if you could be hacked. And the answer is absolutely not. No way. No way. Awesome.

Yeah, it's good. Dad, you nailed it. Good job, bud. Okay, so what are you guys going to do now? While we're still up here, I want to do one survey also just to see if I can find the fireworks launchers in case we need. Oh, okay, cool. Kind of.

If that becomes part of the plan, I'd like. Full, I mean, you just had Shrek here. Shrug here. Could have asked him, but, um, it's not Shrek. You know, Justin, something was just giving us the impression that Shrewg was maybe running out of words to say. Uh, yeah, I really should ask Shruch. I got a two. A two.

I didn't even give you, I didn't tell you if it was risky or controlled or anything. You just went for it, eh? I mean, I assumed it was controlled to look out over a beautiful vista. Um. Were you gas-friendly looking? You don't see anything. I can let you roll again because that would not be that suspicious, right?

If you want to do it again, we could do it again and make it risky. That's how I have you controlled. So if you want to do another survey, you can. Fuck it. I'll just ask somebody later. Not necessary. I don't want to get spotted. I don't want to get fucking... No, I mean, that makes perfect sense. Let's go to the hotel.

Beef needs a shower. Okay. you go through a gate that is not locked and find yourself in a sort of quad in between all these, let's say there's 50, that makes more sense. It's a long row. Some are stacked on top of each other. There's 50 discrete buildings, discrete ends, and each one has one of those like, it's like the arch door. You know what I mean?

With the stint made of planks, it looks very, very well-themed. but they're all pretty much precisely the same. I would assume the interiors are all different themes. You haven't been inside. I know, I'm assuming. I'm looking forward to it being character. I'm looking forward to finding out what's in there too, Dad. So you see, as you're walking through into the atrium, or the, sorry, the quad,

the sort of the main area in the middle. Between all of these, there's a cobblestone path winding between some of the different buildings. and you see a sign that says check in here. Oh, okay. See, this is the place to be, man. We go there. Okay, you go in. And there's a person sitting behind the counter.

He's about 5'7. He's wearing a T-shirt and jeans. Hail and well met. Hey. All right. My name's Justin. Welcome. Whoa.

You're not 5-7, are you? No, the character in the... What are you talking about? No. The character in the game is 5-7. We're staying in Cabin 37, me. We please have our medallions as quickly as possible. Oh, yeah, sure.

He reaches into a drawer without even looking and pulls out three medallions. Here you go. You're in Cabin 37. All right. Do you need a credit card on file for incidentals? No, it says here that it's covered. That's... Oh, really?

Yeah. Really? Yeah, it's covered. All incidentals are covered. Is there a spa? What? No. Do you have a spa?

No. Is there a mini bar? Nope. Can we charge things to the room? Nope. There's probably just a bed in there. Just one? Three.

Oh, thank God. Yeah. I thought we were about to have ourselves a little Kevin McAllister, a little party in there. Yeah, there's three. Could we request them extra pillows? Yeah, sure. You can request that. Will we get them?

Nope. It's pretty sparse accommodations. They want you to go out and, you know, adventure and earn your pillows, I guess. I'm not exactly sure how any of it works. Oh, that's it. Okay, so the rewards request. It's only a place where you sleep. Yeah, I just sit here.

It's very boring and it doesn't seem to be important. I just kind of sit here and wait for people to come like yourself and then hand in the medallion for their room and then just kind of cease to. Oh, well, sir, you must have higher aspirations. I mean, I have other stuff I'd like to do, but I'm... Oh, like what? Tell me that. Well, I'd like to do podcasting. Really? Yeah, I'd like to get into podcasting, but I'm not great with voices, and I'm worried that'll hold me back.

Oh, okay. Did you guys want to leave? Everyone has some impressions. Let me hear, for instance, let me hear your Shrek, Justin. Don't get. That's very good. That's good. Say some more words like that.

An onion donkey. Okay. Can you say something that maybe Shrek didn't say in one of his classes? Like, uh, have fun in your rooms. Call me if you need anything. Yeah. Call me if you need anything. Wow.

I mean, I give it a six. It's not. I'll tell you something, Justin. Yeah. It's better than Shroog did it. That's, that's wild. Thank you. That's so, that's super nice.

Did you guys want to go ahead and go? Do you have a map of the area you could give us or help us? That would actually be Very handy one for each of us please Yeah here you go And he hands you the map with all the different places in it Fuck yes Nice

Give me a key card Just do you turn down for us or Answer his question And then my threat No it's pretty much just beds that you go and sleep in And they're not really that interesting or important Okay Warm cookies

Nope No Hey they said it was cool for you to Give us your key card. Who's they? True. You know, higher-ups here at Ephemra. I don't actually think that that is, that doesn't seem true to me.

We are in there with the Viscounts. Please. The only things that I've ever done in my life are get medallions out of this drawer and hand them to people. That's it. You should be pretty well equipped to hand over the medallion that you have on your neck right now. I don't have a medallion. They don't let me go.

go into any of the rooms. This door in front of you, the one that you just walked in, it's always unlocked. I'm a fucking sitting duck here. Hey, it sounds like you hate your job. Have you ever been? I don't hate my job. I don't love my job. I'm nothing my job.

I don't have anything interesting to say or do about my job. You are fascinating. We're going to come back and talk to you. I can't get enough of this. I don't know what you're going to talk about in your podcast. Let me talk about your podcast. People that stay too long in here when there's nothing for them to do a scene. Oh, yeah.

I hate that, man. I hate when people do that. I'd listen. I'd listen to a podcast. I'm updating my speed dial on my phone and my emergency contact at the hospital to Justin and Shrew. I can't leave. I can't leave this room. The door is unlocked.

I was born in this room. I'm terrified to leave. Oh, come with us. Nope. We're having us. I'll never leave this room. Justin, I pick up Justin. I carry him out the door with us.

The second you text. Justin. The second you touch Justin, you're electrocuted for level one harm. Okay, Justin, I use my circuit breakers, which are the names of my new brass knuckles. Oh, those are good. And I punch Justin. Yeah, let's kick his ass. You punch Justin.

Hold on, let me roll skirmish. Yeah, roll skirmish. I don't want to. This is risky or desperate? Where are we out here? I got swept up in it juice out, Paul. I'm gonna stand. I'm gonna say it's great effect because I have my...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's just a regular person. Uh, it says, a mixed success with a four. I'll kick his ass, Justin. A mix success. Okay, you take a swing at Justin, and your, uh, he...

Your, uh, fist lands squarely against his jaw, and he is, uh, knocked out. Uh, it, it is a beautiful punch. Uh, but it isn't until this exact moment. moment that you see the camera directly behind Justin that starts and you notice it's turned directly at you and you start to hear

the phone on Justin's desk ringing. I pick it up. Real quick, weekend of Bernie's. We've practiced for this. We have practiced this. I put an arm under Justin's armpit. Hi, this is Justin in security. Hi. Is everything okay over there? Because it looked like Justin got punched out or something. It's No, he wanted to learn about sage combat,

and I was showing him how to do a point. He's here, though. Say hi, Justin. I wave his arm. I got a hold of his arm, and I wave it from behind him. Okay, beef, you're going to need to roll for that. What a God, what a fucking. I didn't, nothing of this.

He did nothing. I just said go to the weapon shop, and then everybody wanted to go to the hotel that didn't exist, so I had to make one up. And I didn't. Okay, you wanted to help me with sway? I am. I'm helping.

I'm manipulating his jaw, so I'll give you one. Is it desperate? Yes, 100% it's extremely desperate. And what's the effect? Standard, I'll say it's standard. Okay, and that's helping, so that's a plus one. Oh, boy. It's a one and a one.

Wow. I cannot. This is unprecedented. Let it be known. in the future that if the DM or GM shows up in the game It's not me. It's a character named Justin that was just supposed to be very boring To keep you all...

But he electrocuted me. He shocked me and I reacted. It was just nature's way of telling you not to interact with him. Well, you didn't... You're in nature. Why didn't you tell me? Okay. You should have made it clear that you didn't want us to talk to him anymore.

You know what? Don't worry. We're sending several guards right now. Okay, great. Perfect. And I hang up the phone and we go to Kevin 37. Okay. I can tell what I'm not wanted. Hold on.

Hold on. I need to write some of this down. Oh, no. Wait, there's consequences? Justin, we were just having a fun bit. Okay, you walk into cabin 37. When you walk in, there's three very normal beds and one pamphlet lying on the ground for the weapons shop.

Oh, let's go to the weapons shop. We drop off our bags. Smart. And we go to the weapon shop. You throw open the door and there's higher ceilings than you expect. There's large glass windows that are illuminating the man who is standing behind the counter, lining the walls, there's all manner of weaponry and armor. And it's clear that he's been tinkering with a few different pieces there on his counter. And when you walk in, you see a large muscle-bound bald man wearing a leather vest.

And he looks at you and says, hey, welcome to Dave Belista's weapon shop. I'm Dave Belista. How can I help you? Dave, I have to tell you this is excellent workmanship. This is amazing. Thanks, partner. What's your handle? I'm Siziji. Cizigi, Craig. And up until now, I had never realized the beauty in true armament and armor.

I mean, you, this is art. Thanks, I've been studying for a real long time. Oh, my goodness. I really, it's just very flattering, gosh. Thank you. Thank you. How long did it take you to learn this? I've been working as a tradesman since I was, oh gosh, six, I suppose. My dad ran Dave Belistas before me. He was the original Dave Belista.

I'm technically Dave Polista Jr. DB2, yes. Sure, yeah, if you want. And, yeah, so it's been, well, 35 years now. This is, this would tie in so nicely with something I'm working on. May I just Look at your Wares while the others

Oh please yeah Poked around this is what the shop is The shop is here for If you got the galleons I've got the guns And not guns but you know Oh this is wonderful Crossbows and stuff

What about you two? How can I help you? Are you looking for regular armaments? You're looking for heavy artillery kind of stuff or what are you in the market for? I'm in the mood for something. I'm in the mood for

the classics, Dave. And I reach into the pockets of my nether quirk. My nether cowl. And I place a black coin on the counter

with a ruin of a green hand on it. I just look them square in the eyes. Oh. Uh... I'm sorry, I had no idea. And he does a complicated hand gesture to you.

I do it right back. Okay, well, let's dispense with the pleasantries. You don't want any of this garbage. What do you really need? The night calls out to us. Oh, we have dark work to do, and we need... we need the darkness to be able to do it.

Beef's eyebrows are crawling so far up his forehead, like what? He's just looking back and forth to be monchized than Dave. Hmm. How, uh, he looks around. How large of a target are we talking about here?

Three targets. Not large. About the size of a phantom hog. Oh, by the seven. The seven need not be concerned with the work we have to do. Do you need soft or hard targets? What are we talking? A mix of both.

Medium. Yeah, like three hard and, like, I don't know, a soft bike getting away. Is that? Um, are you attacking like a person or a, like a building. What are you trying to do? Oh, a building. Sorry. Okay.

No, that's fine. All right. Do you want me to say it in like a cool way? No. For most people. Yeah. I would, I would insist on it because immersion is, is big for me. But I knew where your heart is at or where it used to be.

And you both knowingly nodded. each other for few seconds. Okay. Okay. Okay. You see him pacing. He's rubbing his chin, flexing his large muscles in a glistening way.

Oh, okay. Hard target, big three targets. Okay. I know, I know what you need. You need the kind of artillery. can bring down a god and i can i can make something like that for you something real real nasty but i need something from you first i am the honor bound to at least hear out your demands bring me the heart scale of jelt frimpin the dragon yay i think i might actually have one

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