The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Steeplechase - Episode 30

Episode Date: June 15, 2023

Poppy's Pals are sidelined in their investigation by a strange character with an original IP. Emerich zips down the line. Montrose phones a friend. Beef pushes some buttons. Opening monologue performed by Autumn Seavey Hicks: https://www.instagram.com/autumnseaveyhicks/?hl=en Additional music in this episode: "Virtutes Instrumenti" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/; "Battements en balade" by Jean Toba: http://jeantoba.media/en/; "Six" by Lex Villena: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2iwj2SqGnplhDIadeJ5bmy?si=N8WYSKIPR7WUy8z4ajNSog; "Celtic Heart" by Kira Daly: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/kira-daly/; "Drop Point" by Bryan Teoh: https://www.bryanteoh.com/; "Don't Trust the News" by 1st Contact: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/1st-contact/; "Music Elevator" by Stonefree: http://www.stonefree.de/; "Tree Tenants" by Revolution Void: http://www.revolutionvoid.com; and "Entangled Quanta" by Ihsan & The Cabinet of Dr. Caligari: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/ihsan-the-cabinet-of-dr-caligari/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Stevie's last thing. We've got a little unboxing for you. We received this at the studio last night and let's see there's a little card here and it says to Crystal with a K from Funny Man. Okay. How cute. Let's see. Inside is oh, it's just another note and it says never know when to stop screaming. Powder. I've crossed my mind. Can't be long now. Hello, everybody, and welcome to Steeplechase. I need more. I want more.

Yeah, actually, Justin, can I tell you? I recently made the realization that it's like you're doing like a 120-year-old Colm Wilkinson. Oh, yeah, I like that. I would like you. Yeah, if you could break in to like bring him home or who am I or anything, really. It would definitely be who I. Oh, yeah.

Who am I? For the Creaky Man, it'd probably be... Old Man River, probably somewhere along. Yes, because it. Forbid me now to die. I will main. I will try. Yeah, fuck yeah.

Keep going, please. I'm so close. What was his number? What? Jean Valjean? Yeah. He has many different numbers in the show, him being the lead and all. Oh, six, five, four, three, two, one.

That was seven. Or last off. Blast off. The freedom. Welcome to our, it's a new musical theater podcast for people who've never seen a play before in their lives. No, it's Eplechase. And thrillingly, funny man has just jetpacked away with Kenshal Denton in tow. And you see them, I would say blasting off into the sky, but what you see is basically a zip line.

that is propelling them across the street. Oh, so it's not a jet pack. It is a jet pack. There's a prop jet pack? It's a prop. Okay. And as they're falling, a funny man drops a small package onto the floor of the church, where all these people are horrified. There's kind of general chaos.

And you just see this like red package wrapped with, uh, like a green ribbon fall to the ground, about the size of like a ring box. I think at this point, beef is, uh, he is beefing. He's beefing heart. He's just going to walk over and pick it up.

No subterfuge. I'm not, at this point, I'm getting, I'm, by which I mean beef, is getting fed up and I'm going to grab it. So you're not making an effort to, like, hide the fact that you're there or anything.

Not at all. Okay. Uh, you step, over other two, do you follow him? Yes, absolutely. I know that somebody's going to need to fucking talk. Someone's going to have to use their brain and mouth

to explain why we're here. And so that seems like something I can do. Okay. You pick up the package, the present, the gift. What do you do? I open it. Well, I open it facing away from me.

Just, yeah. Okay. And you start hearing it talk and it's facing away from you. Okay, you don't see what's making this noise, but you do hear talking coming from the box. I peek over, I peek you.

It's a little chattering teeth. The baby billionaire has been hiding a secret, but the astonishing funny man knows all, sees all, and will reveal all right before I blow Ketchel Denton's head off. Chase me to the steeple

of Second Gunter City Church of the advent if you don't want to miss the grand reveal and then it explodes in a puff of smoke, a puff of harmless pyrotechnics. Weird to just like say like

this is what I'm gonna do and here's where I am like just write it, you know what I mean? Like come on. You know this business now. This man is I hate his fucking guts but he is an artist and I respect that.

Folks, I turn to everybody, folks, we're here with Gutter City Special Crime Division unit and We're gonna take care of it My name is Commissioner Horthor And I'm the head of the Gutter City Special Crime Unit Well, no, no, I said the Special Crime Division

It's a different Are you okay, sir? I give him the Heimlich Someone choked this man Well, if I'm a bit embarrassed I have spoken without listening carefully I'm a bit ashamed

and of course I'm worried about Mr. Denton. Yes, if we're all very, very, very worried about Mr. Denton and his fate but don't you worry us three here with the Special Crime Unit Special Crime Division, but here I am getting mixed up. You know, we should

have a palava at some point and figure out a way if we can maybe change the name of one. We've got control on crime together. No one of the bureaucracy in red tape. Yeah. Team up.

Team up. Team up. Yes. Yes. For this point for me, our service is a real best. I have ceased to be able to understand you, my friend. Yes.

Oh, I'm in crime fires. Hey, Justin. You have gone full cartoon walrus on me. Yeah. Is Commissioner Hawthorne aware wallrus? Oh, the full moon. Oh, la, la, la, that rule. Um,

I believe if we. We follow Scud procedure. This is the time where we analyze the clue. There's no time. We can also just follow. He flew off on a job. He said. He could let Emry, I mean,

I don't know what kind of incredible stuff I've hidden and thought about with this box. The box has been in my back of my mind for years now. I can't believe you just cast it aside. Yes. You said it turned into a puff of smoke. Well, I mean, there is a puff of smoking pyrotechnics. It didn't cease to exist on this material plane. Okay, well, could I perhaps study it?

Yeah, please. Give me a study roll. This is controlled and standard. Well, a four and a one. Four of one. Why is it showing up on your screen and not on mine? Oh, there. You got to scroll down.

Yeah, it's a mixed success. Okay. Here's what I'll say with this mixed success. You pull out at it. The teeth are just, uh, they're just, like a toy basically. And then you pull a little deeper to find some cotton underneath those. And there's a small wire that's connected the ceiling of the box, the roof of the box, to the bottom.

Underneath the cotton, there's a tiny speaker that is connected via the wire to the lid of the box. Oh. So when you open the box, the sound place in the speaker and the teeth started chattering. This is very, this is very intricate work. that somebody... No, it's not. It's pretty basic. I mean, you could tell just by looking at it.

I thought it was my study. What? No, I'm telling you it's not intricate. It's not interesting. This is really... No, no, no, it's not bad. It's just absolutely... This is really mundane work.

Yes, there it goes. This is very mundane. I think just about anybody with any kind of skill could have manufactured this. Well, that was very helpful, and I think we all gleaned a lot from that. We could also just follow the zip line, which is one of the less sort of inconspicuous ways to travel since you do kind of leave a direct sort of Jeffie-esque line to where it is you are going. I mean, also, speaking of analysis, he said within the message, this is where I'll be. I'm going to here. Ah, not so much tracking.

No. I mean, tracking and like where to turn right to like get to that play. I mean, I guess in that way. Yeah? I guess the question is, do we, if this guy blows away, Kenshal Denton, it's not the worst thing in the world for us if we think this is not necessarily working in our favor anymore. Well, I'll tell you, here's the problem.

What it leaves for me is a lot of unanswered questions and, like, just things like hanging loose. And I don't do well with that. All right. Friends, let's use my lightning hook and follow the zip line. That seems unnecessary. We can't just go on the ground. We know where we're going.

You know what I mean? Like, we don't have to follow his cockamamie means of conveyance. But if you want to, hey, if you want to. Really? That's your journey. Yes. Seriously? I think that would be so much.

Yes. We'll walk underneath you on the ground, Especially since there's only one hook. And between the three of us, I'm guessing, at least 400 pounds. Oh, yes. Yes. All right. This is where I take beef on a sidebar to say,

we really must have an intervention with him about how much he loves the zip line. Okay. Emrick, here's the problem. We don't give him enough outlets for it at home. You'll write. And so, like, then we go out and he acts out. I'm ready, I'm ready, I'm ready. I'm ready.

I'm ready. Okay. He hooks the zip line and it just hangs there. He just hanging there. I think I'll tell you what happens when you hook your zip line under my zip line. You just hang there. And everyone in the crowd is like,

push, push me. Kind of looking up at you. They're a little bit distracted. Oh, excuse me, young man. Well, if you come down from there that looks terribly unsafe. Hey, we're the special crime cops here. Yes, let's do the messes.

Trust the process. Trust the process. I tie a rope around, that's one of my load, tie a rope around the Emmerick's waist, and I walk in like a balloon underneath as we walk to the church. Perfect. That's actually wonderful. I'll mark rope.

Here, climbing gear. What a bad use of load. Hey, you shut up. This is my Emmerick balloon. I love it. Justin? Yes. We haven't done this in a while.

Okay. I would like to have a flashback. Okay, great. To when we completed the first gutter city job. Okay. And we're sitting down with Darla afterwards. Okay. Hey, Darla.

There was this character, Funny Man. It's funny, like, so you know about Funny Man, right? Is that like, is there like a role? Is that a role? Is that a person that exists in Gutter City? Is this a get? Like, what was that? Funny Man is a fully licensed IP that we in the Dentonic Corporation do not own.

I don't quite understand it, but he keeps trying to get it going in the park. We do not, and he has been explained this by several of our staffers. We do not have the legal right to have this character in our parks. And yet he continues to try to make Funny Man a presence. in Gutta City. So it's unclear whether he's with Dentonic or not. No, that's perfectly clear. He's not.

He's not. Okay. He's the thing about him. He is very wily. We have tried to remove him at several different points. And he just keeps slipping away like molasses through a sewer green. So if we were to apprehend him, good try.

Would there be some kind of cash reward involved? Oh, a sweet kind of deal? Me, I don't know. I said sweet and we get sweets to me, baby. Oh, sweet, that's good. I have no way of knowing that. I'm pretty low on the hierarchy. I'm just a simple private investigator here in Gutter City.

Oh, that's right. I have new insight into the corporate. Oh, this is a flashback. Right. Sorry. Sorry. Okay, yeah, that's good emphasis. And now let's do a flash forward. As you're sitting there with Darla,

you feel like someone looming behind you. Hey, you guys got a little spare time. I got a few spare notes. Holy shit, man. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's sacks. Are you? Hey, God, I hope.

I really hope I don't remember this later. Back to the present, please. Yeah. You can't have flashbacks too long. I know. Then they become flash sacks. I get it. I don't think we can say flash sacks.

No, that's what happens when his costume is too tight. That's the Kevin Bacon movie, right? Flash sacks? Okay. Listen. No, actually, don't listen. I gave you a picture of the church. This is what it looks like.

This is the, what did I say? It's called the Second Cutter City. Church of the Abjant. Yeah. So Justin has shown us a picture of our, whatever, the now defunct, whatever, defunct religious alma mater, Highla and Baptist Church. Right.

In Huntington, West Virginia. I just figure why make up a new church? Yeah, I'm sure. You guys already know about this church and you can probably remember the layout pretty good, so we'll just go with this church. Well, Justin, you could make up a new church and save Adventure Zone from having to pay taxes. Here's the thing about it. I did make the picture of black

and white on my phone. So let's not go get too critical. I did put a little bit of effort in this. But yes, this is the church that you see in front of you. There is a large, you know, huge front facing of the church.

There's one flight of stairs to get up to the main doors that go into the lobby. There is a steeple, you know, tower with the Jesus' incredible cross. And then, yeah, that branding.

The ramp. on the front for wheelchair accessibility and then there's doors to the side. But tons of windows in the front. And that is what you see. I get out my phone. And I... Can I ask first, before we do this, what is your... Before we take any actions here now that we are on site,

what approach are you going to take to the... is a heist. You're figuring it out on the fly. The heist is to steal Kenshal Denton. That is your target. So what, uh, what, how are you all going to engage with this? Assault, deception, stealth, occult, social transport. Some of these don't make sense because like, we have been invited. So can I suggest that you not go with one of the ones that doesn't make sense? Yeah, so it's a good point. Probably assault, right? We haven't done one of those before, but it feels like, This is going to be, he's expecting us. He's almost certainly laid out a series of nefarious traps.

And, you know, we can know that going into it, but it's still not going to be sneaky. Is this where we say, you know, it's obviously a trap, but sometimes the best way to deal with a trap is to walk into it. Is that where we use that? Yeah. By lazy screenwriters across the planet to justify their main character. Now, hold on, Justin. We could have said it's obviously a trap. But the prophecy says that we're going to walk into the trap.

So let's do it. That would be great, too. Yeah, that's what I wrote down here. The prophecy said. So we're going to salt. Are you all just going in the front door? Well, first, I'm getting on my phone. Oh, that's right.

Yeah, the phone business. And I'm calling on, I mean, he's my emergency contact at this point, deep dark. Uh-huh. Trying to get him on the horn. Um, how are you getting a whole, how are you getting a hold of deep dark? I'm calling his personal cell phone number. There is at no point has DeepDark given you his personal cell phone? Okay, then I fucking, I pull it out my phone and I call fucking Shrewg.

Because I definitely have Shrooge's number. Okay. Hello, this is Shrug. Hi, Shroo, it's... Is this dungy? Oh my gosh. No, it's... This is, you know, bazooka...

Fiona? No, bazooka maniac. Listen, I'm crossing the streams right now because I don't have Deep Dark's phone number, but that's who are... I don't know any Deep Dark. Okay, how about this? I'm gonna hang up,

and then maybe Deep Dark can call me back on this line. I bet I won't be able to give anybody any messages for another six hours. I'm at work. Okay. I have been too. I have been too.

hard on Michael Myers. No, wait, I've been exactly as hard as I need to on Michael Myers. He's a killer. Mike Myers on the other hand. Now, wait, before we say that, Justin, we will need to do some hours of internet research before we decide if we've been hard enough on Mike Myers. I say, well, I'm sorry to hear that, but, well, you know, I'm not going to be cage. What's the message I can pass on to him?

Sure, funny man is doing some rowdy shit in Gutter City. And that's like, I guess, like, if Lord Farkwa had, like, silly bombs. Oh, spread the word. The bad hits. Oh, man, I hang up. I hang up and look at my phone expectantly for a little while. Nothing happens. God damn it, Deep Dark.

Okay, well, it's just us, I guess. May I help? Help what? Yeah, go for it. Okay. First of all, can somebody get me down from the zip line? Just drop. You're like a foot and a half off the ground. Just drop. I also have a tendency to suffer severe injuries. You have a, you are, it's...

Help him down. Now, I help him, I help him down. Thank you, Dave. Do you have fun? Hey, buddy, did you have fun? Yes, yes, yes. It was fun, fun, fun, fun. Boy, you are sweaty. I am very sweaty. Yes, I'm sorry. Look at this. All my bits. Please keep the show going. I am going to use my give a ghost projector to shine a beam of hard light into the sky.

And this to look like deep dark's head. And this will be the deep dark signal. Great. Cool. So you know he's on another layer for a fact. You know that. But I'm going to make you roll for this anyway on the off chance that it will hurt you in the process. That's how I'm going to punish your insolence.

Hey, he has diabetes. He needs it. He needs insolence, Justin. So, okay. If you're going to come up with these cockamamie schemes, Mac, the free lunches are over. You're going to pay the piper for your bad ideas. Roll your ball. That's probably a tune, you think? Yeah, it's a tune.

Here's a tune. You're going to get an injury. That's going to knock you out the game. Go ahead. A tune. You want to hear another one? Was this risky? Was this risky?

Oh yeah, it's really risk. No, it's controlled. Okay, control. And probably standard, I would say. Probably standard, yeah. Probably standard. And that's a 301 and a six, smart guy. Okay, with that six, you shine a light in the sky. You did it.

Yeah. Okay, does anybody want to play in the actual church now? Does anybody want to go to the church? So, I think here's my. like two cents and you you boys see how you feel uh in the nature of blades in the dark i want to start with beef already like walking in the front in the door now i don't know if emmerich and montrose are with me i'll leave that up to you guys but i think let's start in media res i'm in the door i'm walking in yep let's do it very well let's go you're facing down like a long hallway um um

It's probably, gosh, like about a football field length. There's some hallways that turn off of it, some offices to the left and right. It's all pretty rundown. There's not a lot of people that go to church in Gutter City because they're wicked, and they have forgotten the face of their father. So as you step into this hallway, lights, you hear a breaker or something, some large switch being flipped, and lights flip on. And then you hear a voice over the intercom say,

I'm so glad you decided to play. Meet my welcoming committee, the healy warriors. And then you see these punks with knives and spikes on their armor and incredible glowing heelies that are shooting sparks out of them. Nice. As they roll down the hallway coming straight for you. We maybe see like six, but it's hard to keep track of them because they're ducking into the offices.

and then going through adjoining doors, and then coming out different doors. It's terrifying, and they're headed straight for you. On carpet? They're really good at Heelies. These are off-road Healy's trap. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Tonka-Tuff, got it.

Tonka-Tuff Helies. This is a Tonka-Tuff Heelies, okay. It's hard to take these guys seriously. I understand they are probably well-trained mercenaries. of a sword, but, um, uh, hold on one second. I just, I just, I just reach into my pocket and just, like, throw some, some marbles on the ground. Now, you brought marbles. You're gonna have to talk to me about that. Yeah. How did you bring marbles? I'm, I'm just a weirdo, man. Yeah, but you can't just have anything, eh? I'll only look at a list of items.

Okay. I've got a bazooka. That seems like it would also get the job done, but I'm trying to to think outside the bun. You're the one who gave me a bazooka. So, um, you're right, Juice, I pull out a pistol and I shoot these men. Is that what you want? Or do you want me to pull out? Let's call them arcane. Okay, okay. All right. If we're going to play this game, if you're going to play the, I have random stuff game, which I think that it's called Blades in the dark. Yeah. I have to ask you all about your item load out. You were going into, uh, you know, we were going to, to the party before. So you haven't had time to necessarily prepare, but what is your, what load did you go with for this?

I have a normal load. I have a normal load as well marked in here because I did not think we were going to be doing much interfacing with the public, which it seems like now we're not. So I feel great about that choice. Well, please mark these marbles. Okay. I'm going to say it's an unusual weapon. Yeah, that is an unusual weapon, marbles.

Okay. And I'm just going to kind of scatter him on the floor. in a wide arc in front of me. Okay. So what you think, finesse? Yeah, finesse, that sounds about right. Risky standard? Okay.

243, not great. Mixed success. Well, four is what we're going with here. There is, let's see. There were seven, you think, seven Healy Warriors, when you roll the marbles, I would say two of these cats are thrown for a loop. One falls into what must be a nursery because you hear a bunch of baby dolls,

robotic baby dolls crying when he falls in the door. And then the other one, it's the trash room, and he falls into the trash room. They shouldn't keep those rooms next to each other, by the way. I don't know why those two rooms are next to you. How many did I say you got? Two. Yeah, okay, that's the two. So you still have five of the Healy Warriors

The other ones are kind of like A little bit thrown by it But they're scooting the marbles out of the way With a broom that one of them got out of a closet Labelled Marble Sweepers Hey you stop that Stop sweeping those away I will stop

Whatever the Queen tells me to stop She just called it She called and said to stop What The Queen called That she called and said to stop Oh yeah that's not funny right The Queen's dead, didn't she?

Well, then, what you said, your supposition doesn't work. I'm a character, aren't I? But you're having a bit from the Queen's expense. Yeah, you know what? That's on me. The whole war family did. But they're hanging in there. All right.

Get out. And then, uh, let's see. Umric. One of these punks who has a Union Jack on his vest and purple hair has two knives. And he's coming to plunge him right into your fucking guts. Can I assume that Emmerich knows whether this is a hard light construct or a real person, right? Let's see. You haven't checked, so you Clint wouldn't know.

I don't know if Emmerich has taken the time to figure that out or not. I think he's going to have to take the time because he doesn't want to unleash any kind of attack on a hard light creation. because of his stand on. But you'd fuck up a person? You'll fuck up a person. That's cool, Dad. I like that. That's what's cool about Emory.

Okay. Yeah, that's a cool character trait. That's coming at us with knives. I'm not allowed to defend with force pre-majure. It's a really good point. And it is a human being. Yeah. Send him to his grave, I guess.

No, it's a human being. Okay, I'm going to use Tempest to... Well, now first... If I'm right, isn't it the rules that like when you get hit, it works? Like you get hit and then it's about resisting the thing. No, he has caught. I said he's coming at him, right? So he has not actually made the attack yet.

This is the momentum that is coming to Dad. So Dad is deciding how to react to this. Yeah, I'm casting, I'm using Tempest to coat the floor in front of him with ice. It's so weird, Dad, that every once in a while you just like, remember you have. have elemental powers. It's actually pretty... Well, it's actually not weird in the fact that he has very bad memories about using this in the past where he has killed...

That's an excellent point. Killed with it before. So he kind of holds off using it. But now that he's confirmed that it is a human being, now he's ready to unload. Let the slaughter begin. Okay. Now, the old Macaroy family crest motto. Dad, you are pushing yourself, so remember to do that. Right.

And you are, what are you doing? I'm using Tempest to cast, to coat the floor in front of him with ice. I did not know that something Tempest could do. Yeah, so I'm going to storm in your immediate vicinity, torrential rain, war and winds, heavy fog, chilling frost, slash snow. That's what it says there, man. I mean, Dad has these powers. You said, use them a lot. I don't know, I don't know what to say, guys.

It's like how Superman can use telecom. Canesis, he just forgets that he has it a lot. Yeah. Or telepathy, rather. Okay, Dad, let's, that works, okay? Like, obviously, because you're saying you're doing it and you're pushing yourself. Let's see. How can I figure out how effective that is against the God?

You know, I would say have Dad make, like, a finesse roll to get the placement right? Oh, there we go. Yeah, that's a good idea. I don't know if finesse roll. It's a good idea. I know. You know what, I'll call this. I think it's more of an intellectual pursuit.

I'll call it a tan. I will call it a finesse roll. Yeah. Dad, you have fucking lightning powers. You can make a finesse roll every once in a while to use them. Okay. But I didn't know I had, okay. Yes, yes, yes, yes.

In the spirit of the game. A fine finesse roll. Risky? Oh, yeah. Okay, risky. Can I assist by maybe some of my marbles are still out there? I don't think my man has any fucking points in this. Great.

No, you're using your abilities to, I mean, it's just targeting, you know, it's just aim. So I get a bonus die from Montrose? From Montrose. Don't forget to mark your push. I already did mark my push. And I'm, okay, so since I'm pushing, I should get another bonus dice. No.

No, you're pushing just to use your power. Okay, then I'm going... Could I not also push? No. No, you can't double push. All right. You can push it real good, but that's it. That's it rolling one, right?

Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait. That should have been... Wait a minute, hold on. No, you had zero points. Griffin added one bonus die, so then you roll one. Okay. four with a four

three of the skaters are coming at you led by this the purple hair pump with two dimes and he's rolling at you he's oh teach you to and then he at that moment a jet of ice

is it coming from the lightning hook is that the source of it? Yes yeah a jet of ice shoes oh actually how's this A jet of like cold wind shoots out and the sprinkler heads from the energy you use to shoot that out. The sprinkler heads are triggered and it shoots ice in patchy places, patchy patches all over the floor of the hallway. The one punk who is leading the way immediately hits one of these patches of ice and he says, God save the me! Then he goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

And then falls back. onto his bum, as they say, and two of his compatriots. Fannie action. Yeah, two of his compatriots fall over. So there's two more, and they're twins, and they're huge, and they each have three knives. And they are, yeah, and one has, sorry, I misplaced them. One has three knives, the other has three guns. And, yeah, the one with three guns is raising one to shoot at,

beef. Okay. I am going to... He shoots you. No, sorry, go ahead. But I did take out one, right? Yeah, three. Dad, you took out three.

Oh. You took out one, the other two tripped over them, but there's two left. And they're the biggest, worst ones. Yeah, I'm going to graham, you know, those, like, long tables and churches that they always put, like, displays and pamphlets and stuff on.

And it's like, where the flowers go, is that, right? Yeah. I'm gonna just pick one of those up and like one-handed chuck it at them or two-handed, depending on how large the table is. Use both hands. Just to, I mean, maximize your efficiency here. Go ahead and use both hands, I think. Yeah, okay.

Okay, what would we call this? Yeah, it feels more because it's targeted at someone and not just breaking stuff that I think it's scourish. So you're throwing pamphlets? No, I'm throwing the whole table. Oh, okay, cool. That makes more sense. Yeah. Take these chick tracks

Is it wall mounted? Like the one that used to be at Highlawn was like wall mounted if memory serves. No, this is more like, you know, the kind of long, thin table that they would put like a display of like flowers and, you know, at Christmas a little very gaudy nativity on. That kind of table. I'm chucking it at them a sideboard, if you will. What's the position would you say? This is risky still. And I think that it's a standard effect.

Okay. Let's go. Whoa, a three, three, two. No. Uh-oh. That's tough. That's tough, man. You grab the table

to flip it up with great ferocity, but one of the guys sees it coming, and he does a healy flip, and he helies right off the table, smashing it into your nose and causing him a level one. harm.

Hey man, you get a three, you get hurt. No, man, I get it. Smashed. Nozy. Okay. I have been filming this on my phone. And I say, fellas, well, just,

come here, can I show you something? And I want to show them the video of themselves on the fucking Eelies. I know that you probably feel, it feels cool to be doing all this stuff, right? You're right. Wait, hold on he's dying.

You roared it does. But just do me a quick favor. Just look at it. Just really, and really be honest with yourselves. Right? And just look at it for me. And I want to show them just how fucking stupid. They get big look on their heelies skating around trying to look like cool punks.

Wow. Sounds like a sway roll to me. Oh, there's a big sway. Okay. Sure. Yeah. Fine. Fine.

Roll a risky great effect. You're going to change your whole identities. Risky limited. There we go. Can I bump that to a desperate standard?

Yeah, sure you can. Okay. And I'm going to take my Daredevil bonus here. And I'm going to use foresight. Oh, okay. Thank you. What does that mean, Dad?

You can't just say it. You got to do a. two times per score you can assist a teammate without paying stress. Tell us how you prepared for this. How did you prepare for this? I watched a lot of videos of Return to Oz. Yeah. And I yell out to those guys.

You look as dumb as the guys on Return to Oz. Wow. What a fucking specific dig. I mean, welcome. You're welcome. Red. You're welcome. Red.

You hear that? Yeah, can you fight it? That's fake words. Holy shit. 53656. That's John Valjean's number right there. That's a crit. 536.

Okay. Yeah, with blood harmony. Hey, Reginald. Yes, Kenneth. Did you see what I saw? I'm afraid I did. Kenneth. Reginald, mother is right. We look like clowns. I'm afraid we do look like clowns, Kenneth. Reginald, what do you say we let these fellows pass and go about their business?

Well, Kenneth, I think it's the least we can do. In fact, fellas, let us clean up some of the bodies and get those out of your way. Oh, oh, oh, and here, let me help you with that. And he picks out a napkin out of his pocket. This is a Union Jack handkerchief. And he hands it to you, Beef, to help his house. Oh, thank you so much. Yeah, I really, really appreciate that. I feel like such a clown.

No, I do a table at you. Yeah, I threw a table. Thank you all for understanding. It's been hard to find work. Yes, Kenneth it has. and Reginald and I must be moving along. We work in an entertainment industry, perhaps sometime we could help you find some kind of employment

within our sphere of influence. Can Dwight help you? Do you have a card? Do you have a card? Dwight, get up. And he picks up, they're actually triplets. And he helps his brother who had fallen over the purple-haired punk. Dwight, this man, these fellas say they can always get a job in the entertainment business.

I think it's what you're best suited for, honestly. And Dwight says, really? You think so? Oh, absolutely. I mean, you're a panache, your skill. I mean, you've devoted, obviously, a lot of time and energy into this form. Yeah, your acrobatics work is just spectacular. You flipped off a table, that's incredible. And you have that whole brother angle, the three brothers. brothers? I understand that's very popular.

Very, very popular. The three healy brothers. Reginald Kenneth and Dwight, if you need anything you call us, right? Absolutely. Well, we're going to go have lunch. Yes, Kenneth, I believe we will. Right this way, Reginald, thank you, Dwight. All right, let's go, uh, my nose is better.

Uh, let's go beat up funny man, I guess. Yeah, all right. My fellow graduates for 500 episodes, my podcast, the JV Club with Janet Barney, has gathered story after story of all the scandalous things we've done throughout our childhoods. Stories like how Jamila Jamil survived a horrific house party and she was on crutches. Or how Hal Lublin learned a Shakespearean monologue in his pajamas. This is not the speech we approve.

Without your love and life tragedies, there would be no podcast. In fact, I'll have an exclusive look at how Maggie Lawson's mom confronted her after a sneaky basement meetup with her crush. Still the tea, JV. Security. Listen to the JV club with Janet Barney. Thursday's on maximum fun. Class of forever! Parenting.

It's hard, but don't worry. You're not alone. Belly up to the low bar with one bad mother and let us remind you that fine is good enough. They want to climb on different things. And how am I supposed to keep them both from... There is a right way to do this. And if I can figure out that right way, I'm going to be a good parent. So that is not a thing.

So join us each week and let us tell you that you are doing a good job. You can listen to One Bad Mother on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, you come to the end of the hallway and there is an elevator. And there are three different buttons. And the buttons are, no, there's five buttons. There's lots of buttons. And there's floors one, two, three,

four, and S. Is that the steeple? Sub-basement. Well, S is at the top of the... It's steeple because it's at the top, I think. That's a little on the nose, though,

don't you think? It is how elevators work, man. If we press any button but S, it is going to be a big, empty floor with nothing in a bed. Only one way to find out. What? That's coming from the speaker inside the elevator.

Okay, I pressed two. You press two? Sure. You are waiting for just a moment. And then the doors pop open. And as soon as they open, you see a selfie stick swinging at you from... I push door close. What?

Door close? The door, you push door closed, but before you can get it closed, the selfie stick lodges in between and you hear, Heroes, it's my honor to introduce you to my sin fluences. And then the selfie stick, there's a man in a Hawaiian shirt

and a backwards baseball cap. He's said, what's up, fam? I'm here with these three clowns in an elevator and you're about to help me watch them, watch me, get them, beat up so bad, let's do this. I push the selfie stick backwards

and I press the door closed button again. Wait. Okay, Travis, give me a give me a skirmish roll. Okay. And I'm going to push myself

to push them. How do you guys have this? I was fully stressed out almost by the time we got out here. Okay. What do you say this is controlled, risky, desperate? This is, I would say it's risky but standard.

Okay. Push myself. I'm really gonna... Push yourself, push him. Yeah, I got a 5-4-1-5. Okay. Don't you hate it when some mixed success? When your DM is like, I want it to fail or get it.

It's easier to figure out what happened. Mix success is the pits, but I got this one just fine. Hey guys, I'm here with, uh, uh, what's this guy's name again? I think it was, uh, uh, a queef,unchly. Holy shit. And then you push him out. But that did go on the stream. So some people did hear you referred to as Cuee Funchley.

But you did not push the guy out of the elevator. Okay, the doors are closed. That will not help the brand. No, I kind of want to go back and beat him up now. Which button are you going to press now? Wait, if you want to go back and beat him up, push two again and we'll go back and be a lot more to that. No, because now it looks like I can't take a joke. Right, okay.

Yeah. You guys may have actually experienced all that floor. This is a real David S pumpkin situation, isn't it? I'm going to press next. I'm going to press S because I love my little bit. No, no, no. I slap his hand out of the way. No, no, no, because I want to see three now.

Yeah. So the floors you have not visited, you were started on one. You have not been to floor two or floor four. Yeah, two. Two is where this encounter just happened, I thought. You have not been to floor three or floor four. I press three, man. I step back.

Montrose, you could be up front for this one. Sure, sure. They can't all be trapped, you know? You press three, and it opens up into what you assume is a fellowship hall. There is a big, huge open floor. No tables or chairs in here. It's all been emptied out. You can see a window at the other end of the fellowship hall where you assume food has been served.

and you don't, it just seems to be empty. You hear like faint music coming from inside. Can I sort of sneak up to see if I can figure out

the source of the music? Mm-hmm. As you hear, as you step in, step off the elevator? Yeah. Is everybody going to get off? I suppose.

Uh, yeah. As soon as, you all three step off, multicolored lights turn on from every one of the fellowship hall, and suddenly the faint music that you heard before is now booming,

and you hear over the speakers. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first moment you realize this floor that you're stepping on is not, in fact, just a standard fellowship hall. It is frozen, solid. welcoming. No.

What the fuck? The team of... And then at that moment, Paul Coffey starts to skate up towards you with his stick raised, and he is coming at you full force. I fucking reached out for my marbles, realize they're not there.

No. This is why I told you, I need two bags of marbles. And you all said, why would you need two bags of marbles? What are you going to do? Trip two different groups of people? And I said, yeah, that's a good point. But I should have trusted my fucking instinct. Yes, yes.

Paul Coffey, everyone remembers, finished with more than 80 assists, 120 points for the second street season, and he won his first Norris trophy, a huge year for Paul Coffey. In the 1980s, you did sports research. Oh, no, Dad, this is all off the dome. Oh. I press the elevator up button. Okay. You hear the elevator, the light lights up, and you hear some movement in there, but the doors do not open. Hmm. I opened them.

With my hands. Okay. Well, hold on, Trave. Let me think about that. Are you sure you want to do that? Do I want to... Yeah, I want to open them. And then step out of the way. Give me a wreck. Give me a wreck roll. Okay.

What's my position? We're going to call this risky standard. I've done this before. So I feel like it's not exactly superhuman. It's a two. Oh, shit, Trave. Yeah. I wanted it to be better.

Hey, thanks. You know, with the power vested in you, no, no, no, no. You have to eat shit. I'm sorry. No, I understand. Yeah, no, of course.

So far, I've gotten my nose busted in. The one thing, by the way, during the assault approach, yeah, great. My guy, who's a big strong man, is just, no pun intended, beefing it left and right. Okay, let's go.

Okay, you, uh, you pull the door with a two you pull the doors open uh okay with a two you pull the doors open and you get them open about

three inches and then suddenly you feel like this searing terrible pain in your back and you realize that you've pulled your back muscles oh my god and then And then Paul Coffey skates up to you. He's like,

Ha ha, nice job, Keefe. And then skates away. Oh, it's already caught on. It's so fucking embarrassing. So you're on the floor now. Paul Coffey is there. And he's skating circles around you.

And it is pretty desperate. At that moment, he's joined by Mark Messier. No. The whole gang, Kevin Lowe, Jerry Curry. They're all skating around in a circle around you three. and the circle that they're skating in is getting closer. Now remember, guys, you haven't really gotten a chance to look around this environment at all.

So if you want to try, right now you know there's ice, you know there's players. If you want to try to do something else or look at anything else, anything you want to do, you can have more context here. One of them is not exactly attacking you right this second. I'll try a survey. Okay. You see, in this fellowship hall, there are also doors leading to other areas. the place where food is served

is seemed to be modified in some sort of like garage or vehicle storage and there are obviously the speakers and the doors are they're just doors I don't know

you can't really tell much about them I'm going to try and leap from table to table to make my way to the garage without slipping and busting my ass on the ice there's no tables remember we cleared all those out mentioned that earlier

well then I'm going to just try and get to the garage without falling on my ass. Okay, cool. Great. Are you going to try to slide? You can try to walk? Yeah, I'll try a slide. I'll, uh, I look at beef and I say, push me real hard. Okay. Okay. We'll call this finesse there, Montrose. Okay. What's, Pizzish? Possish is risky standard. I mean, I know we keep coming back to that, but that's why it's the default. Sure. Okay. Here we go. 335 mixed success. All right with a five of the mixed success.

You skate, I would say, on your feet pretty gracefully past Jared Curry and Mark Messier and Glenn Anderson and all, everybody. And you are weaving your way around them and then just as you're about to reach the door. You're right there next to it, but just as you're about to reach the door and open it, you are body checked by Mr. Wayne Gretzky.

It's an honor. Hey, hey, thanks. It's really cool to meet you, too. What a down-to-earth guy. You know, like, actually, I think he's down to earth. You too, right? Looking good, Keefe.

I'd like to have a flashback, please. Yeah, I'm looking forward to this. Do I take any harm from that? No, no harm, but you didn't reach the garage. That's your mixed success. You made it almost all the way, but you were stopped right before you could reach the goal. Emmerich has a flashback to when he was seven years old.

Okay. And his dad took him, his dad, Ed, no, Ted Dreadway. Ted Dredway. Ted Dredway took him to a Stanley Cup final. And he was absolutely fascinated by the Lord Stanley's Cup. And just said, someday, I'm going to make one of those. And down through the years, he just absolutely looked. So Emmerich is going to create a beautiful facsimile of,

Lord Stanley's Cup and projected with his give a ghost projector away from Montrose to distract the hockey players into thinking it's the real Stanley Cup. So they will skate over and hoist it and kiss it and pass it from hand to hand to give Montrose a chance to be okay. This is the same. It's conceptually like if he made like cartoons. sexy lady, Wayne Gretzky to attract the Wayne Gretzky. Now, hold on. Is it too late for Dad to change his action? I want to make a sexy Stanley Cup that they all want to kiss.

Okay. So you're trying to just distract with this hard light Stanley Cup. Yeah. Okay. I mean, you know, and you know what? Is beef away from the elevator? Beef is near you at the elevator? Montrose is at the other end of the fellowship hall being glared out by Wayne Gratzky. And the elevator is closed, correct? Correct. But you do hear movement behind you. There's movement in the elevator.

It's like coming to where you are, we think. We hope. Yeah, I'm going to project, give a ghost projector right in front of the elevator door. Okay, great. So that's tinker? I mean, I think it's probably sway because you're trying to trick Wayne Gretzky with a fake.

Now, Justin, I assume this is not the real 1984 team, right? This is hard light. What year is it? Yeah, well, we're not going to talk about what year it is, but, I mean, it would be weird for you to see Wayne Gretzky alive right now. Here's what I can say. It's weird. It would be weird to see Wade Gretzky alive.

So then it'd be in a tune role. Mr. Gresky, it's far in the future. I'm not trying, if you're having to be listening. This is not a threat. It's not a threat. To real link. You're just, and you know what? Godwill and the creek don't rise.

I hope you lived 300 years. But I'm just saying. Okay, a tune then. A tune and risky? Yeah. Well, I would say actually it's controlled. I mean, because like there's no really any danger. Well, no, actually, because all the other, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're in danger. It's risky standard. Risky? I'm desperate. Sorry, risky limited. I'm sorry, Dad, but it's going to be tough to full Wayne Grisky. And he also, he won the 83, 84 Oilers already won a Stanley Cup, so he's not going to be as excited about it. Justin, Justin, they always want another Stanley Cup.

That's so true. They're trying to get the set. They're decorated in different ways. Do you want to roll or? And I'm going to push myself. If you win the Stanley Cup two years in a row when they write your name on the cup, you can write like a silly nickname. Yeah.

Yeah, that's a huge genre. Yeah, it's huge. And they'll give you a large for 25 cents more. Here I go. 6.154. Okay, Dad. You illuminate the cup and the team that has been circling you

stops. And they're kind of transfixed by it. And Gretzky, like a velociraptor in Jurassic Park, stops as if he's heard something and then slowly he pivots towards you. And again, like a velociraptor, he starts swaying across the ice, his eyes locked on to your Stanley Cup. And his hands drop his stick and he just puts out his fingers like claws, much like a velociraptor. And now he's skating towards you with his dead black eyes. Like a velociraptor's eyes.

Yeah. Stating straight at you. Once again, Mr. Graskey, if you're listening. Yeah. That is not a threat. I think it's a huge compliment, in fact. I would love to be compared to one of the greatest stunters of all time. Justin, can I reach the stick that he dropped?

Ooh. You could with a little effort. Yeah. It's not, I would say, you know what, Trav? I want to say yes because the other players are kind of transfixed by the fake Stanley Cup. So, yeah. Okay, great. I'm going to use that stick because they can't just, like, unless they suddenly stopped,

if they got mesmerized, they're still kind of circling a little bit, aimlessly, and I'm going to hook one of their ankles. Oh, okay, great. I can put you in the penalty box. That's fine. So we're going to say skirmish roll. Okay. And this is going to be, yeah, what's the input value here?

What's my position? This will call this You're not in any immediate danger But you do only have one shot at this So it is going to be risky standard again Who are you trying to take out? I'm going to say One of the circling players

Whichever one I can Glenn Anderson Yeah Glenn Anderson Jerry Mark Messier I would never mess with Messier No I would never I'm just trying to hook one Because if they're circling

Oh nice Okay. I only have to get one, bud. All right, let's see if it works. And I have greater potency against hard light and tech. So I don't think that has an effect on the effect or the position or anything, but just something to keep in mind if it works. Oh, you have your knuckle dusters, too, remember?

Yes, yes, that's, yes. The, oh, no, what did I call them? What'd you call them? Circuit breakers. Yeah, the circuit breakers. Make success. Four, four and a two. Four, four, and a two.

Make success. Okay. You, Travis, you punch Mark Messier right in his fucking nose. No, that's not what I said I did. I used the hockey stick to hook his ankle because I'm on the ground. You hook his ankle with the hockey stick. And he goes tumbling forward. And then in a kind of hilarious situation,

the ones that were all skating start falling into each other. And then lastly, is, lastly is Glenn Anderson, who is the last one to fall, and Jerry Curry is tumbling towards Glenn Anderson, but falls just short. So unsatisfingly,

Glenn Anderson skates away, and you have this beautiful image, but Glenn Anderson just sort of peels off right there. So now he and Grasky are closing on you from opposite angles. Okay. I'm going to regain my footing, by the way, with the help of the hockey stuff. Okay, great.

Now that everyone's kind of been pulled away, can I get into the garage? Yes. Okay. What's up in there? You throw open the door. It's one of those, it's like garage door, but manually operated. You grab the bottom by the handles. And with that, like, loud metallic rattling, you throw it up.

And you see, like, huge, bright beams of light emanating from behind a incredible neon purple. Zamboni. Yeah. Hello gorgeous. I'm going to hop up in there. Okay. And I mean, I... I'm assuming, I'm kind of playing it like you're doing this while that other

stuff is happening because it would be wild for your turn. Sure, it's not. So that scene that we just talked about is playing out while you are hopping into the Zamboony. Great. Yeah, I mean, I turn it on. You gun it. And drive on out there.

Yeah. And I say, we got off on the wrong foot. Let's smooth things over a bit. I'm just going to drive right into the two. That's a good Zamboni line. Thanks. Yeah, no, I really flexed there to pull that one out. Okay, Griff, let's give, what would this be, right?

Zamboni piloting? Yeah, finesse. I guess it's Fennesse. Driving a vehicle. Well, let me check. Hold on. Yep. Handle a vehicle or mount.

Yeah. So I'm just going to smash right into those two remaining dudes. Okay. Pizzish. Uh, risky standard. Ah, okay, good. This has got a six. Six.

With a six, with a six, with a six, uh, Wayne Gretzky, uh, turns around when he hears the engine rev, but it's just too late. And you see him sucked into the great brushes and wheels and cogs of this. incredible Zamboni. And you see him sort of digitally distort like this, and his body is sucked up into the wheels. And Glenn Anderson watches Gretzky, the great one, Wayne, his friend,

and he says, I can't, I can't, there's no, at 1984 Edmonds, the daughters, without him. And he just sort of lays down unless Zamboni claim him to, with a six is what happens. And then you hear, and the doors open. Yeah, again, he's, elevator.

Excellent job. You've triumphed over the Edmond Oilers and my sin fluencers and my healing warriors. Who will be waiting next? I just press the S button and hold the door open for Emmerick and Montrose to get on. Okay. Well, hold on. Isn't there another floor? There's floor for.

Oh, my God. I mean, I will not rest until this man's whole operation has been completely disassembled. Okay. I try to drive the same bony. I try to drive to. this ambody, it's the elevator. Like, maybe we can use this one on the next. Oh, it doesn't fit.

No. Okay. And I hit four, too. Yeah. You hit four four. Yep. By the way, that was a very cool floor. The door's open.

This way you see this one, Dad. Okay. The door's open. And you hear the speakers come on again. And now it's time for you to... Go ahead, funny man. No, don't crack yourself up. And now it's time for you to face one of my...

most devious devious henchmen and the door opens and you're standing at what seems to be a sort of like conference room but you could tell by the artificial light is maybe like three in the afternoon

and you just see a guy sitting there in what seems to be like a mid-tier office chair it's like swivels but there's no arms he's wearing a blue Oxford and cackies and brown loafers.

And in his hand, you can see he's got a knife. You hear a funny man say, Get ready to meet a middle-aged man with a paring knife. Hey, hey, guys. Hey, man. Welcome to my floor, I guess. Are you evil? I'm holding the door.

I've not gotten off the door. Off the elevator. Like, have my hand there, you know, holding the door open. I mean, nobody thinks they are, right? But, I mean, I am working. I'm working for funny, man. I guess he's not the best guy. But I mean, if you go, if you follow the latter far enough, I mean, even if you buy

fucking salad dressing, Black Rock owns it, you know? So if you follow the chain, it's hard to say, are any of us evil or good? But, I mean, I don't know. I do have a pairing knife, and he told me to try to, I mean, you guys with it. Could you put the knife down? I probably shouldn't because he's watching it.

I'm watching everything. See, he's watching everything. So it would be bad for me like career-wise, I think. Would you mind accompanying us down to the lower floor where we just did the hockey fight? I have a Zamboni

down there that has the only name on it. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Or could you go down with us to Fort Two and stab the guy who called me Cweef? Sorry, what'd he call you? He called me Cueve. What's your real name?

Beef. It's not even my real name. That's my stage name. That's hilarious, actually. Okay, all right. But no, I'm going to stay here. Which one of you guys should I, do you want me to stay? I walk up and I slap him really hard.

Ah, fuck! Do I have to roll? No. Why did you do that? Well, because I wanted to best you, but I didn't want to, like, hurt you. Like, put the knife down. I got to, well, I'm not going to put the knife down. Okay, try to stab it. Try to stab me.

You sure? Yeah. You're not going to be, you're not going to be P-Oed, right? No, I want this to look good. Go for it. Okay, cool. Um, great. All right, Travis, you see him, uh, he's going to go Norman Bates. Like, he rears back with his hand over. No, no, no, that's not proper stab. No, no, no, no, no. Do underhand, you're going for the gut, man. What do you do?

Oh, okay. This is a pairing knife. I've never actually, you know. Yeah. So you go for the, Yeah, what do you're stab me at the top of the head? Yeah, man, you're trying to, tichichu, you know. Are you left-handed or right-handed?

I'm left, I'm a left. Should I be using my head? You're holding it in your right hand. What are you doing? Yeah, it's in your right hand. You guys are being so cool about this. Thank you very much. I really give you a chance.

Okay, so I'll just, and then just sort of jamming into his guts. Okay, yep. He raised back and he starts to stab you towards your guts, beef. Okay, I slap them again. Ah, fuck! Sorry, can I just say that was a reaction? I was going to let you stab. I'm so sorry.

It's okay. Ah, fuck, man. Okay. Can I, I'm going to stab you this time, right? Yeah, go for it. And then he rears back and he goes to stab you. Okay. Oh, I raise my hand, but I hold it.

Okay. I'm going to resist. Okay. I have battle-borne, so I can expend my special armor to reduce harm from an attack. which I guess it was your armor. I mean, everybody has three armor, right? If they're wearing armor,

they have regular armor. And then if they're wearing heavy armor, they have heavy armor. But there's a box that says special armor, which is the thing you can use in a lot of different special abilities. And basically it's just a way to track that you've used it.

So I'm asking, what I'm asking you is more literal. What is your special armor? I brace for it, right? In my career, both as an arm wrestler, just general scrapper growing up and being a thing, like I'm flexing to kind of brace for an impact, much like Houdini might. So my special armor is like the prep of I am about to get hurt and I'm going to like shift slightly and flex slightly to kind of reduce the impact. Is it like an R flag means death where they learn how to get stabbed the right way? Okay. That's perfect. So he, uh, uh, I don't even think you have to roll for this, Travis. He just, he goes to stab you, and he does, and he stabs you in the stomach.

And you could see his eyes, like, pop out. The knife's, like, buried in you, and you don't seem to be daunted by it at all. And he pulls the knife out. And he's kind of looking at you to see if you're going to do anything. Okay, so now's the part where I get to, like, either seriously hurt you, or you can just like give me the knife. Oh, yeah, I mean here, you can have it. This is what he told.

I only had to stab you guys. Okay. And how did that feel when you did that? Good question. Can I be honest? I think I'm going to go to like a night school or community college or something. I don't think career-wise this is. What's your name there, partner?

What's your name? What's your name? Justin. And Justin, what are you going to specialize then? You like a account, dental school. What do you want? What's your dream job? What's the dream job?

I guess I've always wanted, hmm, you know, I never really thought about that. I've never really had, like, I've always been someone who's more about, like, consuming than I am about creating. You know, does that make sense? Like, I never really found my niche, you know? It always seemed like, no matter how much I applied myself

with something, there was always somebody who was, like, better at it than me, which sort of negated the value of doing it, I feel like. Well, now, that you say that, but a middle manager is more important And then you might think, we are entrepreneurs, but we're rarely able to actually be on location. So if you ever wanted to be like in middle management kind of running things while the big bosses were off doing other stuff, you go to your night school, right? And then you give us a call. Oh, and I hand him, I hand him our card.

And, you know, I like the way. Listen, you followed orders. You were a real good. You know what? This is really cool. Like, I have kind of hated this thing. So the idea that I could join like a. nice, legitimate organization

and not like a, you know, not be a criminal. This really means a lot. Hey, can I say something? What is that even mean these days? Thank you. Because the idea that a legitimate business would be willing to take a chance on somebody with my record and my rap sheet is honestly inspiring because it is

honestly a miserable litany of crimes against the human spirit that would turn your stomach. How do you feel about... But thank you so much for having me as a part of your group. I will... It's a crime. 100 G's to start. I mean, does that sound? What's a G?

Call you Tuesday. Pound it. And then he jumps out the window. What? This is, this, I did not expect this to turn into a fucking recruitment drive for Poppy's boys. But here we are. There's only one floor left. He took directions.

Should we go back and see if we can hire this influencer? Like, we skip right over that, but we've hired. I don't think there's a lot more to the sin fluencer. No. But it's such a cool name. I came to get back to that floor. All right. Back on the elevator.

And all we got left is S, right? Have we done five? I don't think there is a five. I think that's S. You're looking at it. That's an F. Oh, it looks like a five, though, doesn't it? It showed. Oh, okay.

Emmerick pushes the S. It was a five. Good job, Dad. You figured it out. You cracked my code. But you roll and you find yourself in what appears to be the the most upper level of the steeple of this church. The windows, the ceiling are all glass.

You can see they're like hand open, you know, that kind of old, old-timey design. What you see is honestly pretty startling. You see funny man in a throne, his right leg draped over the arm of this throne, and he's got a what appears to be a Nerf gun in his hand.

And in front of him is Kenshal Denton, who has been attached to a sort of spinning wheel. It looks like, almost like one of those like hypnosis kind of wheels, you know? Sure. But he's been attached to it. And hilariously, funny man

is firing these Nerf balls at Kenshal Denton as he turns. But you notice with every, whenever the Nerf ball actually hits something, there is a small explosion. So these are extremely dangerous Nerf balls. And you hear Kinchel say,

listen, this has gone far enough. And Funny Man says, What are you so worried about? You're protected? And Kinchel Denton is, and hilariously has been placed in one of the Edmonds and the Oilers costumes. Oh.

And while Funny Man is shooting at him. And this isn't going to do anything. To stop that, and then there's another explosion right near his head. Oh, look who's finally joined us. Oh, is it, are you talking to us? Sorry. We didn't want to interrupt. No, I appreciate it.

There's nothing I love more than a good monologue. Funny man, would you mind walking us through sort of the connective tissue of the sort of traps that you have set for us? Because, honestly, it is all so, uh, just random. It's like a Wednesday New York Times crossword puzzle. See, oh, see, I was going to say it feels like... Seameless! You called all your friends to help you move,

and these are just the ones who showed up, kind of thing. You're like, that's kind of the vibe I was getting. Well, isn't it terrifying? To not be able to understand why all these disparate forces are joining together to support me, the new King of Crime in Gutter City. Was there an old King of Crime?

No. Okay. See, you need, fill it need. That's what I say. That's beautiful. Yeah, that's capitalism. So, uh, Kinchel, you doing okay? Uh, yeah, it's going fucking great.

And then there's another explosion, uh, right near his, his, his, his hand. Um, since we're in obvious, uh, question mode, would you like us to help you? He doesn't even respond to that. He just kind of stares at you. Uh, hey. funny man uh quick question so we've been kind of on this track for a couple days now um is you kidnaping kentrel like the first thing you did as part of this or like how far back does your involvement in this uh kind of thing go i don't have to explain my plans to you i'm glad

you're here though for the big finale oh i just since you said a king of crime i just assumed that you would want to brag about your exploits and kind of explain how cool everything you did was. But no, if you don't want you to explain. Oh, well, I suppose I heard about Kenshal Denton's surprise birthday party at the church across the street. And I knew that I'd have all the time I needed to build up my forces here for this explosive ending. And that's it? That's all you did. And then I got him and I brought him here.

Yes. Long shot, though, you had nothing to do with Paul Pantry. What? That's fine. I didn't think so, but on the off chance that, anyway. Enough talk. And then he shoots the tennis ball launcher at the right where the three of you are standing. I'm going to leap out of the way, I guess.

Good, okay. You're going to leap out of the way. Travis? I'll say he aims it, right? Like he aims it, you guys have a second to say what you're doing next. I'm going to catch it with soft hand. No, I'm going to leap out of the way as well. Okay, here's what we'll do.

We'll do a group role. If Emrick is into that. If Emmerich has another idea. Emmerich has another idea. Okay, Emick, do your idea. He, falling back on his lifelong love of hockey, he's going to swat it back at funny man with his lightning hook

like a hockey stick Oh, okay Great dad That's a great idea that you've done In fact, I'm going to say the other two Leaped out of the way harmlessly And then dad you're going to swat it away I love when bomb squads come to like

You know when somebody's like fishing in the river And they pull up a grenade and they call the bomb squad, and the bomb squad shows up, and then they use a big hockey stick to just sort of slap shot the grenade really far away from them. We'll go with plan A.

Hit it with hockey stick. What do you think, skirmish? We can just go get another one of these made, right? Because we've done that before. One other lightning hook, not a new emiric. Right, right, right, yes. Okay, so skirmish?

Yep. I feel good about this. Why? I don't know. Okay. I'd say this is desperate, wouldn't you? Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah.

And I would, what do you think? Extreme, great? Extreme's nothing. That's not a real thing in it. So let's say this is. I'm looking right at it. It says extreme. Okay.

Oh, that's if you crit. Okay. This is a standard effect. I mean, you're just doing a standard hit the explosive nerve. Nerf ball away. Just a basic. Just a basic one of those. Yeah. And I think that I'm going to push again. Good Lord. It didn't take me long to refill stress. Well, you keep doing things that maybe your character's not in hand. I'm like, good at. Oh, but he is good at it. All that growing up, standing there at the side of Ted Dreadway, learning all about hockey. Yeah. Yeah, ask anyone.

Learning about hockey and how it works makes you physically good. Yeah, shit. Well, his arms are a lot stronger because you took him on a hook ride. Do your roll. Okay. Here we go. Watch this. Whip.

Two one. Bip. Do you say, did Emrich say watch this? Yeah, I need to know if you said watch this. You must know we were watching this. Yeah. Watch this, fellas. I am going to protect him.

I have a thing called bodyguard and part of teamwork is you can protect a teammate. The rope that is still tied to his waist that I use is my balloon. I pull him down and use my body as cover. Okay. To what? I mean, what is that to you? I take the damage instead of him. Okay.

And I get a plus one die to the resistance rule. Okay. So, B, if you pull him. out of the way and it kind of pulls the three of you. I see him about to hit the thing. And I'm like, what? No. I'm pulling.

I've got to cover him. You see him and then you yank him out of the way. And you see the ball bounce off the table. I would never blow you three up until you've heard my plan. Oh, man. That was not a real one. Just having a bit of fun. You can be a bit of a bit of a bit of a.

A prick, funny man. What did you call me? Funny man? I think he meant prick. Okay. So you pulled him out of the way. He threw in the ball at you. And he said,

Yes, see, I always keep a few blanks in here for fun. And then just to prove himself, he raises it at the ceiling and fires. And the glass shatters and tinkles down onto you guys. And beef, you take mild arm.

Okay, well, I'm gonna roll to resist it. Okay. Scirmish. Mm-hmm. And then I get a bonus die for Pottigard. A three, two, one, a five, five. Okay, so suffer six stress minus the highest die result. So you take one stress.

So one stress, that's pretty good, Trave, good job. Thank you. And then it reduces it, right? So if it was mild, I get nothing. Yeah, you're good. Okay, great. I say, all right. Funny man, are you going to explain the plan or?

It seems like you're really, really making a meal out of this, my friend. If you can be quiet for long enough, and then he points, the next one is no blank. And then he's pointing it to the three of you. Are you ready? Yeah, you said be quiet. Thank you. I didn't expect you to appreciate it honestly. I'm ready to reveal the identity of Deep Dark.

Oh, for fuck's sake. No one would ever expect this beautiful baby billionaire. Deep Dark is Kenshal Denton. And then he puts the black goalie's mask onto Kenshal. Look! It's as though he were here. Deep dark is Kenshal Denton. And then at that moment, you hear the light that has been bathing this room is interrupted by a silhouette,

a dark silhouette. And a rope shoots down from the ceiling and lands right next to Funny Man. As you see a dark figure swoop down from the sky, and you hear, Do you know the difference between him and me? I'm not wearing hockey pads. And then a huge fist smashes into funny man's face, and it's deep dark, standing over Funny Man, and he unstraps Kenshal. So, what did you think?

It was really good. It was pretty cool. Can you strap him? No, he's asking Kennell. And then you see Funny Man stand up. So it would kind of be like that. We could do a themed one. Every night, different people could try to stop me.

And we could have a different captive every night. What do you think? Oh, my God. Jesus Christ. Are you kidding me? We've been playing on it forever. Yeah, we could even do holiday-themed ones like Funny Man's Halloween surprise. Or maybe that would be really good.

That would be really good. I got a thing. Um, you know what? It was. It was different. But can we call you? Yes, but don't wait too long. Yeah, we'll take this somewhere else.

Guys, seriously, I appreciate it. And this was a lot of fun. Thanks. It really did kick off a pretty wild birthday celebration. And then Kenchell straightens his suit. He dust himself off. And he turns to you three and said, now, did you guys need something? Maximumfund.org.

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