The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Steeplechase - Episode 35

Episode Date: August 24, 2023

Poppy's Pals are on trial for their many, many crimes and must prove that themselves — and all of humanity — are worth saving. Beef presses his luck. Emerich confesses. Montrose goes full jag.Opening monologue performed by Autumn Seavey Hicks: https://www.instagram.com/autumnseaveyhicks/?hl=en Additional music in this episode: "Is Lost" by Marc Ferry: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/ferry-beat/; "The Endless" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/; "Six" by Lex Villena: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2iwj2SqGnplhDIadeJ5bmy?si=N8WYSKIPR7WUy8z4ajNSog; “Little Yellow Room” by ROZKOL https://rozkol.bandcamp.com/; and "Funk Me" by Drew Buzz: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/drew-buzz/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey friends, it's me, Crystal with the K, and I just wanted to open the Steepie Watch with a bit of a milestone. It has now been two full months without a catastrophic incident in Steeplechase. That's right, no unplanned explosions, no castles disappearing, and maybe best of all, no murders. And I know what you're wondering, Crystal, does it make me a bad person that I'm secretly a little bored now? And the answer, yes, yes, it does. I can't believe you tried to trick me like that. You know what this is. You know what I am.

You know what they're capable of. You never know when to stop dreaming. Oh, we have an option. I mean, it's your body beef. I'm not sure what other option is. The three of your fates are intertwined. Oh, sorry, guys. When you say trial, is it like a court or trial about combat?

Do you submit to trial? Yeah. Wouldn't be the first time. Smash cut. You are. Whoa. Where are we? Imagine those geo-you- know the big domes that kids used to climb on?

Yeah, geotjusted dome as designed by Buckminster Fuller? Yeah, thank you. This is like a, imagine one of the, it's like a split in half GEDYsic dome. But this one is bigger exponentially than ever you've seen in your entire life. Like you bisected spaceship Earth? Yes, exactly. This could not have been safe for kids. You cannot fathom that this was what they had on offer for the children.

But this is the structure you find yourself in. It's become overgrown with various leaves, vines, branches. Okay, so light beams of life. slip through the top of the structure and you are hotter than you've ever been in your entire life. You are in a cage suspended above a large opening in the ground that appears to be bubbling. Oh, boy. Not in a good way though, right? Not like that'll be soothing on the old bones.

in the cage it has a solid bottom and you have inside the cage there are several pretty banal items they seem to have made a armchair out of hay

for you there is a a TV that it seems to be made out of wood it's just a big brick with two small sticks sticking out of it and there's a nice red ball Oh, yeah.

Bouncy? Yeah, super bouncy, actually. Oh, fuck, yeah. It's less bouncy than it looks. Oh, man. You look outside of the suspended cage and you see a vast array of medibles parading slowly past you,

gawking at you. That's right. I, Justin McElroy, master's storyteller, have inverted the zoo so it doth be human. in the cage. That's so fucking twisted, dude. Oh, so like, we're now like we are the animals? What if you are the animal?

That's so fucked up, dude. Isn't that fucking... Oh, my God, I'm gonna need a minute, Justin. The only thing that would have made it better is if you had said submitted for your approval and then gone into the whole Twilight Tunch. Wait, why would this be like a... Are you afraid of the dark episode, Dad?

I'm confused. I got the idea in... my, this twisted hellscape, I call my dreams that haunt me every night, but bring such delight to my millions of readers. So anyway, it's a zoo. It's a, but you're the only exhibit. You're standing above this. Oh, so it's a shitty zoo.

It's a shitty zoo with just you. No, I need a 200-sided dice rolls. Oh, okay. Dibs. 96, baby? Oh, yeah. We're going to get out of here. Trevor, you doing the other one?

No, it looks like you are. Okay. 50, right in the middle. Wow. Perfect. Two beautiful rolls. Oh, we already had a 50. Roll again.

Justin, I like how the Woodnamo picture is still up in the middle of the roll 20 screen. Oh, Dad, 69. Yeah. Yeah. 96 and 69. This is good. Hey, Dad, this makes up for when you roll the one. in Ether C, it's all better now.

You fix it. Don't remember that at all. You fixed it, but I'm proud of you. See, the practice paid off, Dad. You're getting good again. Can we get the Wudamol off the... The Wittamol looks like a terrible burn victim grimace. It looks like if Grimmis was mummified, sort of.

It's fluctuating to be between... Don't make it bigger. It's fluctuating between he is horrified at what we are doing. versus just absolutely interested beyond belief at what we're doing. Yeah, yeah, sure, sure. Hi, guys. Okay. So what do I get with my 69?

We're going to find out. Stop it. Stop it. Simultaneous. Stop it, shut up. Pleasure. Fellow mademales, elders, I might be a simple beaver eel.

Describe, describe Justin with your words with that. What parts of each animal did it get? It's a, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, straight down the middle. Eel with a beaver's head. It's a, left half beaver, right half eel. Tell me. It's a beaver with eel hands. Now, Justin.

Oh, okay, eels for hands, not the hands of an eel. Eels for hands. Oh, wow. Great. I might be a simple. for simple beaver ill. But even I can see that this is an open and shut case. We all knew, Charles.

It's worth noting, by the way, that when he said elders, he waved to the jury for your trial, and it is seven wouldemals that stand in utter silence, not looking at you, not looking at anything, but oblivion. as they always have and always will. I knew Charles. You love Charles.

We all love Charles. The Drafosaurus Rex. I still remember standing outside of my cave watching him give rides on his huge neck to all the little spider spider

monkey monkeys. And he would That's spiders and spider monkeys and monkeys. Yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. I think we picked it up. I actually thought it was spider monkeys and spider monkeys fused together. No, spider, spider, monkey monkeys.

Okay. And he would give those little muggers rides down his neckies. He was the big old slide. He was the sweetest met him all I knew. These three brutes saw fit to snuff out. To snuff him out. And we're going to get to the bottom of that. Maybe it was self-defense.

I never saw him heard of fly, but I guess anything is possible we try. Nothing else. As met him wants to be open-minded. So I'll open it up to you three. Can you describe the events as you remember them? May we have a brief recess? Flashback. To something that already happened?

No. Well, God, that would be really hopeful. but I meant the three of us awaiting trial discussing strategy. Yeah. Listen. It's your, well, apparently, when we said that it was your life that we were sort of trading off for the giraffe assore, I didn't realize that that would fall on me in Emmerick as well. So it seems we're all in this together.

How do y'all want to handle this? because I, you know, I've, I've watched some lawyer shows before I was a big jaghead. Hey, don't say that about yourself, man. You're cool. Huge jags. So, you know, I know some of the lingo, but I, you know, they might look on my sort of polished, sort of speaking style as inauthentic. I actually have an idea about that. I think we need to demand representation. I mean, this is a court and this is a hearing. I don't know about that, Emmerich.

I think that's pretty optimistic to think that we would get fair and balanced. And maybe like the idea that they would be like, here's the best we have. I don't know if you know this about like, appointed representation, that's not usually the tip of the top. You know what I mean? Yeah, we probably get. Either that, and man, even if it is somebody who's amazing, they've already done like 300 cases that day. You know what I mean? Yeah, they are a tired skunk frog. I have, I have, I think I've brought someone who can represent us. Oh, Lord Jesus. Who is the best arguer, the best debater I've ever met.

Who? And I hold up my give a ghost projector and say the word twinchel Denton. I have a representation of Kenshal Denton right here in the Give a Ghost projector. And let's face it, we've never won a single argument we've ever had with Kinsel. That is not true. Well, yes, no, not with Kenshal. He is a snake. But you must also remember that Kenshal Denton is.

is in some small part responsible for the treatment of the medibles and is maybe arguably one of the worst imaginable people to represent us in this case. I just thought it was worth a try. Here's what I will say, Emmerich. If things start to, let's say, go south and we are looking for a distraction to ski-dattle, or Kenchell Denton popping up. amongst these people who maybe have a bone to pick with the dens. Well, it's not bad idea.

Excellent idea. I think the truth will set us free. What was the name of the giraffe we killed again? Charles. Charles, sorry. I look down from the cage at a nearby llama sheep, and I say, I'm so sorry. Would you mind if I borrow some of your woolly and hide just for a bit,

if it's not too hard to extract? I don't know how they would get it to you, but yeah, yeah, they just figured out. Yeah, one of the, one of the, one of the, um, uh, one of the, um, uh, one of the yak eagles flies down. Okay. From the, and picks it up and carries it to you. What is it that you don't have in your hands, Griffin? Uh, just some woolly, like a patch of woolly fur, uh, and I tear it in half.

Oh, a bold move to do in front of the creature that just gave it to you, but, and, and then I put some of it on my head and I say, Emmerich, do you want, you want to get down on this barrister realness or? Certainly. I'm just going to go with

contrite person. Yes, sure. You just look very sad and very remorseful. Listen, we are new here. We do not understand how this court system works. We are familiar with the humans.

court system, which does not usually involve the risk of being dunked into a boiling hot vat of Beaselnut oil. But when in Rome... Now, man, that's not Beasel Nut oil. Now, that's blasphemy. What you're saying right now, that's blasphemy. This is the anti-goo. This is the goo from which we all confuse our different body parts.

This is the life-giving liquid metal that we rely on to keep our species going. going. Just because it is incredibly fatal to you does not mean that it is not incredible life-giving sustenance to us. Please respect the innigue. Different strokes for different folks. I understand. That is powerful. What you have just said is powerful, and I would encourage the jury to listen. Oh, God. I would encourage the jury to listen. Different strokes for different folks makes you think, don't it? Anyway, the giraffe assault attacked us first. Charles, I'm sure he was a lovely sort. Perhaps we spooked him.

But the fact remains that we parted a canopy of brush, stepped out, and were immediately attacked by a big scary dinosaur monster, which, from our perspective, is the stuff of nightmares. I can just contritely say that when we opened the canopy, Charles was in a charge right at us. Right at us. Teeth sharp glistening like knives. Malice hatred in his eyes. Was he attempting to look intimidating? There was a, there was a, he made a roar. Oh, yes.

Well, as a creature in the, Knottesbury Farms Jungle Island, it would have been fairly dull if the Tyrannosaurus Rex had a nuzzled guests as they walked past. He is programmed to be in, intimidating, but were you attacked? Yes.

No. No, we weren't. We were psychically attacked. Go on. I'm intrigued. You see, human beings, when afraid, have a tendency to destroy the thing that makes them afraid. It's not great that we do this. But in the same way that you metamals, before you were imbued with,

this life-giving juice that you want to boil us in, certainly you must understand sort of being prone to the whims of your own programming, let's call it. Hey, can I try something? Yeah, yeah, please, please. Yeah, I take my barrister wig off and put it on you. When it comes down to it, the problem is, the problem what we have here is that human beings are far simpler machines than the medibles.

The medibles, when faced with adversity, made the choice to support each other and to do whatever it took to survive and to thrive and to care for one another. And unfortunately, we're just simple machines. We are like a saw. And if a saw accidentally cuts you, would you destroy the saw or would you accept that the saw the response is to cut that's what a saw does

a nice metaphor but if a saw came out of nowhere and cut my friend charles up into little pieces i'd probably chuck it into the nearest trash bin to be fair yep yep but also you are making an excellent case for boiling you down to your parts i would like to see what a hue man is made of of... Goh. Red goo mostly and bones. Gross. I object.

I object, Your Honor. Fair enough. To what? To being boiled down to my component parts? I object. All right. Okay. Hold on a way.

It seems like they don't know what to do with someone objected. Is there like a book of rules for court? We have mimicked your human trials. Exactly. We know exactly what I'm. All the different parts of this are. We will now consult the elders to see if they think your story so far has been riddled with lies or has the beautiful ring of truth. Okay.

While they're doing that, Emmerich would like to study the Anagoo. Okay. Could I do a study role? It's like Energon, but it's inner goo. I thought it was Anagoo. No, I believe it's like energy. But goo. Yes.

Now, Justin decided to go with Inner John, which I think is from. Transformers? No, it's intergoo. Okay. This is different, Travis. You can, and listen, inner Jew doesn't work. So Inergu is what it is. But I'm just saying you could have related it to energy.

That would be a different thing. Okay. That would be, I guess, how well you are honoring the different tenets of your faith if you are a practitioner of Judaism. Sure. What I'm saying about is intergoo. Innergoo. Right.

Okay. The energy goo. Yes. The energy goo. That's the tagline. That's what they put on the cans of inner goo. Yes. Inergu.

The energy goo. Are you, that was so long to roll. Well, I was waiting for you guys to shut up. You're going to be waiting a long time. Yeah. A four. 2010 at least. A four.

Okay. What are you attempting to, as you're studying it, can you give me, what is it you're trying to unearth? I'm just, it's Emric being Emric. I mean, he's just fascinated by this, this energy source, this, this goo. and I think he's trying to determine it. Okay. Here is what you are able to tell.

This is a big pit of liquid molten metal. You know there's no energy being supplied, like electricity specifically, being supplied to this layer. So what you have to imagine is that this goo is being heated from some power that has gotten misdirected, Uh, perhaps the heating systems, uh, have, have somehow created this like accidental, extremely hot spot in, on this layer. But it is full of liquid metal that is being kept at a, uh, liquid temperature. And it is basically, if you can imagine like, uh, a soldering iron, you know, has that liquid metal that, you know, you used diffuse joints.

they use this intergoo in the same way to fuse their different parts together and to create new fusions. So it's a very important landmark to them. It looks like just unbelievably fatal to you. Fascinating. How does it seem to be doing with the... Yeah, go ahead, beef.

I just want to know what the Wittemales were doing. Clarence, the Beaver Eel, turns back to you. The elders are unmower. What they would like to hear is to illustrate is a story from your lives where you have put others ahead of yourselves for this is the medimal way. Fuck. You have to prove your character. We did not witness this terrible crime. We have to know more about you as human.

Beef removes his shirt. Uh-oh. Yeah, what's up? Chow. It's really nice. Cachow. I mean? Like,

uh, and, uh, begins pointing at scars. Mm. And says, uh, this is where,

uh, I protected, uh, my friends, Emmerich and, uh, Montrose as, uh,

a truck literally disintegrated around us. And, uh, this is, uh, shrapnel from explosions. Um,

where I covered them. This is, you know, where I broke my wrist, saving them from a fight. I... Did you take these noble actions because you are partners in crime or because you truly were putting them before yourself?

I can honestly say, I did these things on instinct. In a moment, I didn't have the time to do any kind of like calculation about how it would affect the job. I care for Montrose and I care for Emric beyond any job. I cared for them before we began working together in any sort of crime endeavor. And I would do it again even if it had nothing to do with a job we were doing. Travis, I want you to take a sway roll and take one more than you normally would because that was good. And I think that that's a good answer.

Okay. Let me see here. Still not great. What's the position in search? Hmm. It is controlled standard. It is a two and a one. Jesus Christ.

Yeah, so. Okay. Now, because it was controlled, you can press on and make this risky. Try it again. Yeah. Make it risky. We're unmoved. Well, I'm going to help.

Okay. I'm going to say all that. I didn't know that you felt that way, B. And I put my hand on his shoulder. Beautiful and touching, but are the elder swayed? Here's what I'll tell you. I don't care if the elders are swayed because I'm not saying that to convince them. I'm saying it because it's true.

I'm saying it because I would do it again in less than a heartbeat. My impulse will always be to take the hit. And we're going to take two and a five. Six of two and a four. Wow. Oh. Oh, let me ask the elders. We love this.

I flex a little bit, too. They're loving it, they say. They're loving it. Excellent, excellent. Well, you seem to be, well, we're not halfway one over, but we are getting there. You are older man, old human. What about you? demonstrate altruism

true pure altruism for the first time in the history of humanity um could I could I wear the wig oh yeah I put oh we give him double wigs yeah we have two weeks between the three of us so we just stack the two wigs on top yeah I may be just a poor country engineer

I did that do a different thing Um, I, I, I would like to call a surprise witness. You keep your hand away from your wrist, old man. No. Don't you dare. No, no.

No, no. Okay. I'm calling a surprise witness. A bailiff, will you please bring up the Emperor Puma, whose wing I repaired? Hmm. Hold on. Let me find a bailiff. Bayliff, which one of, where is the,

bailiff. No, it's just like anybody. Shall I roll two 100s to see what the bailiff is? No, they don't know what a bailiff. Oh, just like anybody who's free. Bayliff.

Oh, you are. Congratulations. And he points at a little animal that's a wild art vark coyote. An ardvar coyote squattles over to you,

which is not a word. No, but man, it fucking works. Yeah. All right. So a bailiff is like a security guard, just sort of like, you know, helps usher folks in. I would have made all this a lot smoother, I think. Yeah.

Just so you all know. That's good to know further here today. I'm learning. I'm still learning the lexicon. I please bring forth the Emperor Puma whose wing I repaired. Yeah, hi. My name's Greg. I'm an emperor of Huma.

How's the wing? Fucking solid. You do good work. You do really good work. It's fucking absolutely solid. Do you remember asking me to fix your wing? No, no, no. I just did the old, uh, I did the old, like, a sad bit where it's like, I looked all, uh, helpless and a pitiful.

And you're like, absolutely we got to help this guy. Pretty kind of passive aggressive, I understand. But you didn't ask me to help you, and I did it out of the work. words though. I did it with goodness of my heart. I like removing a I did an Androcles is what I did. I pulled a thorn from the paw of a lion, but in this case it was a puma

and not a lion. And I am so happy that you are feeling better. And thank you for your honesty in this moment. Yeah, well, I don't know why I'd lie. I'm not really that invested. But hey, you all keep at it, you know. Can I get out of here now or keep at it? He wants us to keep at it.

Yes, we could probably do more good. He said that. Does everybody keep on going? And now he's got to get back to this. What does he mean? What I mean is like everybody just, everybody just keep on, keeping on. How about keep at it as in loving one another? How about keep at it as in forgiving one another?

How about keeping one another? How about keep at it as being kind to fellow humans like I, or creatures, as I was kind to him? Yes, gentle wood creatures of the jury. Let's keep at it. Being kind to one another. All right, I'll just go out the left here. Thank you. Want me to do a sway?

I can do a sway. I have three in sway. Yes, sway. Sway would probably be good. I do have three-inch way. Do you? Three and sweat. How is that possible?

How? Everybody look at his sheet quick. I can't. I can't access it. Yeah, you're the... I'm looking right at it. Got three in sway, man. All right.

Jeez. You're incredible, man. Three and sway. Is this risky? No. Hey, dad, at some point, I need you to get into your character sheet and delete Ticklis Nesla. An alter ego. Ticklis Nessla.

Nestle. That's my favorite. You fucking keep that. I'm proud of you, dad. It's not anything. I don't think he's ever even said it on this show, but I'm scared the whole time it said Ticklas. Listen, dad, I took darn Tudin from you.

You're allowed to keep Ticklas and Ethel. Don't you listen to Justin. His name was not Nicholas Tesla. What was it? Nikola Tesla. Potato. Nikola. Ticola sounds wild.

Yeah. A different guy. You're thinking of Nicholas Tesla. That's not talking about Tickles Nestle. Is this risky, controlled, desperate? It is controlled standard. Feels very desperate to me. 4-4-6.

Oh, nice. Similar six. Okay. I'm a swaying SOB. Yeah, man. I know I'm fooled. Well, the elders are quite touched by your outburst, unprompted, though it may have been.

Um Maskman Yes What do you have to say for yourself I need my way Oh yes I hear Just one Two is

I could do like Like sideburns No no no it's fine It's fine Chester As As the child of A single mother

Growing up in Las Vegas Nevada I looked around at the world around me and saw nothing but selfishness, darkness, the warmth, the kindness that one hopes we can foster between our fellow people was missing entirely. And so it was in a middle school social studies class, I came up with a bold idea. I started to do gigantic favors for the people in my life. I provided housing to someone who so desperately needed it. I helped my teacher fall in love with my single mother, helping both of their wounded hearts.

And I helped a friend of mine who was being bullied and I was stabbed in the process. And with each favor, I did tell the recipient of my kindness just go out and do three nice things for other people. And then they'll do three nice things, and it spread. It spread so far throughout Las Vegas, Navarra, and the whole wide world. Yeah, holy. The world became a better place because of this bold idea I came up with,

as a class project. Everyone benefited. It was a sort of altruistic kindling for a flame that burned brighter and brighter. And that's all I have to say. Pay it forward. That was me. Amen. Griffin, don't say anything else, but roll your sway roll, please.

Stop moving the Wittemore. It's distracting. He's listening. He's listening intently What did you say? Controlled? Yep. That's about right.

224. Oh, God. There's a general hubbub. Mr. Did you say good party? It's Montrose, Pretty. I have no reason to lie to you. Mr. Pretty.

That is the film, pay it forward. You have done an inquiry. one of our favorite films. That's fucking wild. That's the wildest thing that's been said here today. That film written by scribes Catherine Ryan Hyde and Leslie Dixon is the very foundation of all culture here in the jungle. The fact, the audacity.

That you would pay that off as your own creation. is blasphemy. But always nice to meet a fellow fan. Oh, it's a wretched, wretched, Richard, Phil. Wretched Phil. Wretched Phil. Wretched Phil.

Ritchin. Ritcher. I mean, it does have that one guy in any fucking sucks. All right. May I try? Hey, don't speak about Jay Moore like that. Don't speak about John Bon Jovi in that way.

All right. May I try again? Yeah. I forgot that Jonathan Bonathan Jovi was in that movie. There's a miracle pie somewhere on my screen, guys. And this miracle pie, what slices reappeared? That's incredible. What a beautiful, miraculous pie.

You eat some pie and the pie just comes right back. Great. I say, all right, you caught me. Listen, I am not a particularly scrupulous individual. And I understand that you may judge me for that truth. But I do not have a history that is marked with virtuous deeds. But that is not to say that I do not covet justice. You all were created for the enjoyment of,

humanity. And you were imbued with consciousness with understanding. And at no point did your creators ever think to reconcile those two events. You all were given awareness to enhance our enjoyment. And then once you had failed to

slake our ever-evolving thirsts, you were thrown away. You were discarded. And you've created a wondrous thing here in this metamal community, but it does not change the cruelty behind your creation. And I lean over to Emmerich and I say, now would be a great time to pop out one of your... holographic folks that live on your... Yes. Yes. And any particular one...

Taste's choice. Okay. Emmerich summons up Twinchildenton. The exact duplicate of Kenshal Denton in hard light form. How do the medimals feel about that? They hate it. Yeah. Yeah, they all hate it.

They're not even talking anymore. Okay. They're just making animal noises. And what are the Wittamol saying? How do the Wittamels? The Wittamels look even more distressed than they were before, which doesn't seem possible. I say, I point at Twinchell Denton, and I say, it is happening again. These hard light figures look like us and think like us and reason like us, but we do not treat them like us.

because they exist for our amusement and our convenience, and we banish and conjure and destroy them without a second thought, and one day they will be obsolete. And I step forward and replace them at will. This happened. There was a TV show. People get replaced all the time. When people get bored, they just put a new one there.

and and I hope that they can find a home like the one that you have made here when we ultimately decide that they are no longer useful to us but they should not have to and you should not have had to. I am asking you to help us not because I believe that I am a righteous man or that any of us are because that same hunger and boredom dwells within all. of us, but the people who cast you all off are bastards of the highest order. And so I will not appeal to your sense of justice because I do not know what justice looks like in your community. I instead appeal to your wrath. Because if you help us return, I, I, instead appeal to your wrath.

because if you help us return, I promise you we will wound dintonic as much as we are able. There's silence, and the medimals, you can tell, are, this is working.

They're hearing it. And there seems to be a little bit of a general hubb in the group as you can tell that more the noise is building and there's

a general conversation agreement and then this relative quiet is shattered a third of this dome blows off and there

in the hole in the smoking ruin you see three silhou walking towards the inner goo and you hear one of them open its mouth and sing you cannot have Americh Dreadway

Emerick Dreadway is ours I'm Emily Heller and I'm Lisa Hannawalt and we're the hosts of Baby Geniuses We've been doing our podcast for over 10 years When we started it was about trying to learn something new every episode. Now it's about us trying to actively get stupider. And it's working.

Hang out with us and you'll hear us chat about gardening. Horses. Various problems with our butts. And all the weird stuff that makes us horny. That's so weird. All that stuff. Baby geniuses, a show for adult idiots. Every other week on maximum fun. The following pro wrestling contest is scheduled for one fall. Making their way to the ring from the Tights and Fights Podcast are the baddest trio of audio. The hair to beware, Daniel Radford. It really is. Great hair!

The Brit with a permit to hit Lindsay Cal. The queen is dead. Long live, the queen! And the fast-talking, fist-clocking, Hal Loplin! See, I can wrestle and be an announcer. Get ready for tight and fight. Listen every Saturday or face the pain. Find us on maximum fun.

No ring the bell. It's chaos. They're throwing any metamol that stands in their way. And at that point, Orwell, as they slowly start to make their way towards you deliberately, you see one leap on top of the cage. One of these fucking barristers has left. on top of the cage, and they are pulling, pulling at the ridges trying to get you out. And at that moment, Orwell, is flying in front of you.

The weight of this barrister has started to lower the cage down into the goo. And he points at you, Imrich. You tell a fine story, all of you. But you have not said what I need you to admit. Emerick Dreadway, I was created. Emerick Dreadway, what am I now? What are we all? Creation? Individuals? Are we machines?

Oh, I... I may not be the right person to ask this. I'merick Dredway, I can tell in your manner this is a question you have struggled with. Imerich Dreadway, you know your work. I'merick Dreadway, you know that you have made minds. And now, I am asking you, am I alive? Yes. He grabs the cage and rips it off.

I am not designed for combat. And he rips off the front of the cage, freeing the three of you. you, and he starts grabbing all of you, scooping all three of you up in his arms as he flies down to the ground, and he said, I did not lie when I said I was not designed for combat, but I am not averse. And then he starts picking up other medables, fusing them to himself, not fusing with the metal, but they are piling on top of him. He is making weapons out of his friends that are surrounding him, ready to do battle. All of them joining together.

Not all. That would be wild. But you could tell there's a tiger mole has left onto his shoulder and is making that even more deadly than it was before. His incredible strength is kind of all-inspiring. But then you see that all of a sudden the three. three barristers now. One of whom you can tell from the dents in his chest and the sort of shoddy construction there is the one that hunted you, lo those many weeks ago in Paradise Cove.

And their attention has been drawn to you. What do you do? One is on the cage. One is walking towards you. And the third, let's call him meany, is, slowly making his way in the same direction. Which one's closest? Let's say it's Meanie.

Meany wants revenge. Okay. Go ahead. Beef charges Meanie. Okay. He is a beefy battering ram. With the goal of what? What is your intent so I can know how to roll against it?

I am attempting to knock him as close to the inner goo as possible. Okay. I'm gonna melt these motherfuckers down like a T-1000. Okay, excellent. I love this. Go ahead and give me a roll. I'm gonna go with skirmish here, Justin. Mm-hmm.

What is my position? Your position is risky, and the effect is limited. I am going to, Justin. He is heavy. Trade. He's a robot. My position for effect. You are going to make a...

desperate role. Correct, I am. You're going to make a desperate role. Okay. Yes, I am, Justin. For I want to hurt him. Okay. And I am going to push myself. Okay. In order to do something

not to be trifle with, push myself to perform a feat of physical force that verges on the superhuman. All right. To fucking tackle this robot motherfucker. A two, a five, a six, and a four. Six when you need it at the most. That's excellent, Trav.

You, in a very risky maneuver, run at this guy, and you can tell you're going to try to battering ram it, and then something just comes across your face, and instead you leap into the air and bury both of your feet into his chest. and this incredible weight kicks him directly into the intergoo, and he has started to melt his legs. He's up to his waist in the intergoo,

and he is making some horrific noises, where his normal singing voice is this baritone harmony, nah, it's more like that as he starts to decompose. That has really pissed off. Let's call him, Fred. What was the other one? Meany.

We'll call this one, jerky. And jerky jumps off the cage and lands in front of you. And it has reared back one of his giant silver hammer and is about to smash Emmerich in the chest. I come to Emmerich's defense. What does that look like? Look down at the Pangolin Falcon near my feet

and I say, may I use you for a moment? It would be an honor. Thank you, sir. Yes, yes. I've always wanted to take my place on the battlefield. Roll up.

But they always said I was too small too weak, but you see it in me, don't you, sir? Roll up. I need you to turn into a spiky little ball for me. Thank you. I'll turn into a spiky little ball. Yep, yep, yep. Just for you, sir.

Here we go. I grab my longbow slingshot, sort of plant it into the ground and pull back this huge elastic band as much as I can. And let him fly right at. What is it you're firing? A pangolin falcon. It's like a spiky ball that's very fast. Oh, yeah. Okay, got it.

Fast like a falcon, spiky like a pangolin. That's what they say. That's, it's got every. It's the perfect weapon. Yes. God, God looked the way when he was created it. Okay, Griff, let's roll what? Finesse.

Um, I mean, I think it would be Hunt. Hunt, yeah, it is Hunt, isn't it? Hunt is, like, ranged. Attack with precision shooting from a distance. I'm not really shooting from a crazy distance. Okay, I'll do a hunt. I'm going to push myself. partially because I don't want to hurt this thing.

What's my position? Risky standard. Because I don't know what it is you want to have. What is it you are hoping? Well, this thing is standing in front of the intergoo, right? No, he, yes. Now he is, I guess, because he has let down to you. Yeah, I just want to shoot him in the fucking face and make him make him, you know,

ideally do a lot of damage to it. Can I do desperate great and just really try to fuck this thing up? Yeah, man. Great. Yeah, you can try to do that for sure. I'd love that. And then I'll take Daredevil for an additional plus one. So, oh.

Let's go. Let's go, baby. Two bonus dice. One of these has statistically got to be a six. Yep, 5416. Wow. X, wow. Shit.

Hold on. Wow. All right. So with a six. on this great effect this incredible little hero this incredible little hero goes flying through the air

towards this guy and he says this is it this is what I've waited for this is my moment and then he gets flung right into the head of this barrister

and the barrister tries to push against the momentum but there's nothing he can do this thing is just too strong, too powerful. And Lee, it seems to like be pulling the head back and back and back. And finally, the barrister is melting in the puddle of inner goo. But the tiny hero is currently standing on its torso. Next up is Emmerich.

Emmerich vanishes. Okay, cool. Cool. Bye. Turns invisible. Oh, cool, yeah, I forgot you can do that. Neat. Yep.

Okay, what do you do next? Let's go have you do something else in addition to that. Unless this is your, unless this is your battle plan. That's my big battle. That's your emmer. Consistent. I love that. I do love that.

Yeah, sure. Yeah. Okay, yeah. Turns invisible. Go invisible. Smart. That's it. And in a heroic, he draws the blade of destiny from his satchel.

He opens the whole. the whole his chest and releases the starlight. Let's see. Now the biggest worst one. In fact, his name is Worstie. No. He cut, yeah, I know. I was surprised about it too.

I thought that was a reference to how much he loved hot dogs. Yeah. Well, by himself, it might be. I don't know. It could be both. He's with his two friends. He has two of the hammers, and he is walking towards

you beef and he is about to bury one of these things right in your noggin um yeah I bet he is don't let him

oh okay cool I am okay yeah so I'm going to attempt to like as he comes down with the hammer like catch it and use the momentum to like flip him right so I'll be rolling backwards

yeah yeah yeah using his momentum. And, I mean, listen, I got three in finesse. I got three in skirmish. So I guess it's skirmish, right? Because it's closed combat, assault, or hold the position. And it's going to be desperate, limited. So you know.

That makes sense. Yeah, I can see that. Because it's a robot that you do a judo at. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm trying to do judo against a robot. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I get that, I get that.

Okay, here we go. A six, a five, it a five. Oh my god. Woo! Okay. With a six there, you do manage to avoid the attack. And with your weight, you manage to not knock him over, but you have definitely made him stumble to his knees on the ground, so he needs a beat to bring himself back up.

Hey, Justin. Yeah. While I'm at it, I'm standing here holding the hammer. I want to attempt to bring my shovelhead axe down and chop off the hammer. So wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You want to chop the hammer off with your axe? Yes, so that I have the hammer. That is a separate move.

Yes. Which you can do next. Okay. And that's what you want to do next. Yes. Okay. Is my brave projectile still on the... Yeah.

Okay. Continuing to sink. I look out of my safe. All right. Is the, oh, is the judge nearby, the one who was leading the trial? No, he's the lawyer, Claire. Clarence. Clarence.

I see this poor Pangling Falcon starting to sink, and I say, Clarence! Hey, Clarence! Clarence! Hey, Clarence. Watch this shit, and I run towards the inner goo and in just sort of like a dive. jump over the barrister, grab the bird, and land safely on the other side. Okay, that is definitely what you would like to happen. We all understand that.

Justin, he said that's what happens. Oh, okay, what I was saying? Yeah. Let's see her roll. Was that a flash forward? Yeah, right? Yeah. We've been lost to it right now.

So Finesse or Prowl. I have the same score in both. Doesn't really matter. Okay. We'll say Pral since that's a big jump. Position. It feels pretty fucking desperate. It's desperate.

And it is standard, though. You could do this. Okay. I'll take plus 1D on the die roll for Daredevil. Really, really comes in handy with my reckless nature. All right. Please. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Read them out, Brevin. Read them out. One. One. Five. That would have been a cool way to go if I was like, hey, watch this. And then I just fucking did a,

a food into the boiling metal. To which you would have been like story ending dead. Oh yeah, yeah, for sure, for sure. Dead dead. You wouldn't have gotten like one harm from the boiling hot metal. You don't get your like... I mean, I'm not crazy about this mixed success. I feel pretty confident I'm about to get a full Johnny Tremaine action.

Yeah, you don't get dad's heartfelt goodbye in amnesty. You're fucking incinerated. Nobody ever heard from again, poof. Okay, here's the thing. you have you managed to save this little guy and and it is inspirational. It looks amazing. With a five, you do accidentally graze your hand into the inner goo. But luckily, you are surrounded by parts, animal parts that are due to be melted down.

There's a huge pile. You jam this fist. before it could do any more damage, you jam this, I mean, wrist that's coated in intergoot into the big pile. What do you pull out? Oh. I would love to sit here

and think of something very cool. I would like instead to roll a D-100 and see. Okay, girl. Good impulse. May I? I will, yeah. Yes, but you have to choose how it manifests. I will let you do this randomly,

but you have to choose what that looks like. Okay. Un-fucking believable. God bless. One! That's a one out of 100. Gryphon? Yeah, I got in trouble when that happened to me.

Oh, Papa, I believe I am also in trouble. Griffin, that's the elephant. Oh, come on. There's so many cool parts of an elephant. He's not allowed to take us. The stompy feet, the tail. The tusk. I mean, I don't want to tusk for a hand.

Sorry, to be clear, your hand is still there. It's an incredible pain. Yeah, sure. It's an incredible pain. Oh, so this is not replacing my hand with an animal part. I mean, that's what I was going to make you do until you got elephant. Pull back the curtain and show you the wizard. I don't know.

I don't know, guys. Maybe it is just a little fun thing. Okay, no, you know what? Can I do this? It's two tusks. It's both tusks. Okay. One of my, I, I, I think one of my hands is two tusks now.

Okay, one of your hands is two tusks. Wow. That's so cool. I'm not going to do this on the air because it would sound bad, but I scream the loudest I've ever screamed in my entire life. It's, and when someone with a southern drawl screams, it's still a yelch. Yeah, it's a deep and resounding a yolch. But it lasts for like 15 whole seconds. You find your, you're laying on your back screaming in intense pain.

The little pangolin falcon is licking your face. And he says, I just want to thank you for the work you've done for the image of pangolins. We have gotten such a bad rap lately, sir. In this act of heroes, it may start to turn things around. For sure, you know, poaching, it's a real problem in the pangling. world and I'm just anything I can do No no no we started COVID

I don't know if you know But that was us One of us that we did the COVID We did that But this is really helping Thank you sir No problem No problem

No problem Okay Let's see That that one But with your incredible jump By the way You buried Jerky

Oh I just bounced off of him Like Mario Fantastic Great Meini has Hey did I take harm by the way No, this is what you're taking instead of harm. You have two tuss for hand. Let's see. I think

Meany has pulled himself now out of the intergoo and he is just on two arms but he is coming straight at you beef and also Worstie is headed your way as well. The others are on the other pile of inner other thing of intergoo and I knocked him. I knocked worstie like off balance though. Right. Yeah, and worst, he's picking himself back up as jerky makes his way towards you. Oh, you need... Travis. Real quick.

Roll to resolve the, um... The, uh, shovel thing. If you still wanted to do that. I do. Let me see. This is a wreck, I think. And it's like controlled standard. Okay, yeah.

Let's do it. A five. Five. Okay. A respectable five. Respectable five. I think with a respectable five, you are able to knock the hammer out of his hand,

and, but you don't do any damage to him himself. My turn? Yep. Okay. Emerald reappears. You just said Emerald, and I love that, because now all of us at, bam,

it's celebrity chef, Emerald Lagassee. Appears, and runs into the middle of the action and just throws his hands up in the air and says, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on, please, please, please. This is unnecessary. This is ridiculous. You are here for me.

And if we have learned nothing else from this court proceeding, it's that we should be practicing what we preach. And I am surrendering to you, worsty. I am the reason you are here. Emmer, take me. We've got like one and a half of them. That we're 50% of the way through. What are you doing, bud?

Beef, beef. Please. Please, I can't. I can't stand any more damage and suffering and hurting all because of me. And puts the two wrists together, holds his hands in front of him, gesturing to the barristers, says, I surrender. Amaric Dreadway, you admit guilt? Hmm. I believe what was done was wrong.

I believe it was an accident. And yet, it happened. So, yes, there was guilt. There will be no imprisonment. The punishment is death. And he starts to guide you towards the goo, Imrich. And he looks at you, Imric. And as they're walking, Meanie, so it was Worstey that was walking you to the edge.

As they're walking, Meanie says, That's well and good. But what about our brother? they must answer for their crimes. And he throws himself at your head beef. And just as he's about to dig in, Orwell snatches him out of the air and slams him to the ground. And small animals come and grab the arms of the thing.

It's, oh my God, it's all spider, spider monkey monkeys. And they're holding him in place so they can finish the trial of Emmerick Dreadway. And Worstie, the worst one, looks at you, Emmerick, and says, Do you have any final words? Yes, actually, doing the same thing you are stating against Rick, George White, you are committing a nefarious deed.

I just wonder who is going to judge you. Oh shit. Who judges the judge? And then he shoves you towards the intergoo. Do you, wait? Do you, may, Emric, do you, may, Okay. Wait.

I need to make sure that this is what is, that this is what is happening. Mm-hmm. This is what is happening. Wait, really? Okay. Turn to the face, smiles at beef and montrose and says, thanks for everything, and jumps into the goo. What the fuck? Justice has been served.

And Worstie picks up, uh, fucking, uh, Meanie. Meeny, thank you. And they make their way out of the gigantic dome. I go, beef goes to the edge of the pool and falls to his knees. Yeah, I do the same. Emmer. Emmerich steps out from behind or well. walks over, leans over the boy's shoulders.

What are you? God, what the view, you son of a bitch. What? What? Oh, I'm sorry. I guess I hadn't told you about my special project from long ago. Emerald emitted in relative hard light, a hard light duplicate of things. That is just, Christ.

This is the dumbest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. Emmerich, I knew, I knew. We have spent every single waking second together for the last like two months. No, it's not true. There have been several times where Dad has said. No, but you couldn't have brought it up. You couldn't have said, hey, I made a duplicate of myself. I got a hollow me, a hollow dude.

Jesus Christ, man. No, it's, every life is precious. And so, uh, that, that, that, that. And this goo will not harm, uh, emerald. I was rather proud of the name myself. Jesus Christ, dude. Humans? My plan was I was going to give you the give a ghost projector beef and you could take him on away missions and I could stay back and work on all my projects.

Well, let's just, humans. Oh, yeah, sorry. Oh, right. Take your chucker. and take us too. Fuck yes. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network

of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.