The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Steeplechase - Episode 4

Episode Date: November 3, 2022

The Poppy's Place employees are gently coerced into their next job and head up to Gutter City. Beef figures people out, Emerich flexes his skills, Montrose negotiates. Opening monologue performed by Autumn Seavey Hicks: https://www.instagram.com/autumnseaveyhicks/?hl=en Addition music in this episode: "SeeUSoon" Jahzzar http://www.betterwithmusic.com/; Six" by Lex Villena: https://open.spotify.com/artist/2iwj2SqGnplhDIadeJ5bmy?si=N8WYSKIPR7WUy8z4ajNSog; and "Cool Vibes" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey friends, it's Crystal with the K here with another Steepy Watch. Sticky Finger Paul Pantry made the sweetest speech today about the heroic actions of Beef Punchley in pugilistically protecting the prize pantry's perfect pin party. And can we say, seeing Mr. Finger Paul Pantry and his retro purple and yellow striped jacket brought a little tear to our eye. On a lighter note, the hole is finally fixed. We've had a little fun at Denton's expense as they struggle to fix the mysterious hole in the sky of Eustabin, but those beautiful vistas are finally clear again.

I know, I know a lot of you goofballs had a running gag about seeing people inside the hole. Sorry to burst your bubble. You all crack me up. I guess, just like Dentonic, you eagle-eyed steepies never know when to stop dreaming. It's been a while since we recorded And I have thought of nothing else But Sticky Fingers Paul Pantry In the interim

And I just want you to know that, Dustin I'm really excited for the cannon to expand Hello, I'm so Pleased to have you here Seems the rust storms have come early this evening He needs this Yeah, Griffin, you know what I'm looking for Shackles!

What? Shookles to my lap Shookles to your lap? Did you change his name halfway through that? Cat, Bart. What? It's my cat. Your cat's name is Shookles?

Bart Shookles. Bart Shookles. Okay, all right. Right now, Shookles. I must spit in the room once. Okay. Hey, now, hold on, on the cat's behalf, you called the fucking cat over and then shushed it? That's bullshit, dude.

That's kind of shitty of me. Welcome to Taz. I look forward to a big. Especially there will be an episode where it's just going to be, because I've watched enough, like, long-running series, where there's going to be just an whole episode about that guy. Welcome to the show. Let's not waste any time. You remember what happened, Sticky Finger Pantry, burst into your abode at the... What is your arcade called?

It's called Poppy's Place. Poppy's Place. So, before we get into this bit, just to... to help me understand a little bit, tell me about the area that we find ourselves in. It seems like it's going to be a little bit of an operating base for you all for a little bit. What does it look like? Well, I assume just knowing his whole deal, he's probably hanging out by the, like, we probably found him by the prize redemption center by here.

Who? Do you have a, but is there like a back area and a front area? This is what I'm saying. Is there a, you know, arcade where people are. doing arcade things and you have a separate little place of your own. Well, what that looks like. Amrik has to have a workshop. Perfect.

Right. I think that's definitely part of this. That's got to be back there with a work, you know, sort of like, you know, Max, you know, Max, you know, workshop in my life. You know, what I take on my stuff. Max, yeah. Max shop, as we call it. He made himself a little stone out of stone and it says Max's place.

And it's so easy. He's done the etching at work himself. And that was the only thing I made. I like when he changed his He changed his mind on the name Halfway through and marked out It says Max Plah And he marked that out and then

Itched and shop underneath them Max Plas Shop I can't No that doesn't have skills That's the message Yeah and he has no play cool talents Which is why he's a podcaster Yeah and then

Justin does woodworking I do metal Griffin I guess can solder stuff pretty good Dad just putters That raises That raises humans Salt to the Earth. That raises workers.

Dad's more of a managerial type. Okay, Dad, so I can kind of imagine Emmerk's lab. Tell me about what else is in this room. You guys got, you know what? I won't open this. I'll ask Griffin first. Griffin, Matt, tell me the room that's in your mind. I think the main poppies area is very sort of 80s arcady, like neon trim around the walls,

and it's pretty dark in here. I'm not imagining a Dave and Buster situation where there's a prize like exchange thing, mostly because the prize pantry is right next door, and I do not think that sticky fingers Paul Pantry would allow that. But our little space where we do our simulations, our simulations of the good life, I do not think are particularly well adorned or anything like that, just given the nature of the fact that it's all sort of illusory. It's just a, we just have a, we just have a big room.

Oh, that is so cool, Griffin. Not immediately accessible. Thank you for bringing the, the listener in to your, to your, to your, to your, to your, to your third eye. So there's a big room, Travis, I can't imagine there's any more room of this palette, but is there anything you want to add? I'll see if I can scrape any colors together. You did balance.

You were there. Yeah, I know, I'm out of them. I'm out of, I'm out of, I'm out of ideas. You used that all up. Well, yeah, I guess why I'm doing it. Okay, go ahead, Joe. Can I tell you what's fucking me up? I don't know, I don't know if this happened to you guys,

but because of the nature of, like, growing up in Huntington where there was, like, the one arcade at the mall, I just, for a long time, I just assumed every arcade on Earth had, like, a, you know, it's like a mine-themed. Yeah, it's like a mine-themed arcade. You know, a lot about gold mining in there. I'm going to say that back here, in the back, This is where we have a lot of like half fixed machines.

A lot of the stuff that's like wheeled back. So along with AmeriX workshop, there's also like, you know, ski ball machines half dismantled. I'm going to say that there's like stuff to fiddle with. Are you fiddler? Like you're fiddling with this stuff while you're kind of hanging around. They grab a ski ball, toss it around. Yeah, I think it's probably also a little bit of like they cycle through because they're not going to like, because of the nature. of it being nostalgic.

Like, it's not like we can constantly put new games in. So I think there's a lot of like, okay, we're going to take the ski ball game back and we're going to redo the design. So now instead of being like a circus themed, it's now like an ice mountain, you know, fight the Yeti kind of ski ball game. And then it's going to be like an alien base.

That'd be a fucking badass ski ball. Instead of trying to get it in holes, you just have to roll it so hard and fast to smash a Yeti's face. Yeah, man. Yeah, I like that. Dad, what do you see when you think about Emmericks Lab? I think it would be, he's very secretive, so I think he would, if it's not a separate

little back closet or something, I think he's got up like partitions of some kind or screens, you know, of some kind. Is it sort of like a vibe of like making the sausage? Like if people saw how you did what you did, it would be a little bit disconcerting for them. Well, I think he's trying to, he's. he's in the back. I don't think he wants anybody to see what he's doing. I just think he's a very creepy, you know, secluded kind of guy.

I would add one thing to the other side. I would say that in our area, we've got, we've got to have like some couches. Oh, yeah. Because there are going to be times where we're going to be pulling all-nighters planning the perfect heist. That's right. a great point. Need a place to crash. I'm, yeah, I'm gonna say that I've got, like, beef's

got a big, comfy recliner, very broken in, very much the dad from Frazier. Oh, I like that. I've broken in chair. And then, like, a smallish TV that, like, with Emmerx help, we've wired to get some, like, outside signals. I love that. So that I can watch. I'm not sure that. I'm not

sure you do have outside signals. I have to think about that. Well, here's it, but the only reason I want it is so that he can keep up with, like the National Arm Wrestling Federation, the Knopf. Maybe you just have a streaming channel. Yeah. Yeah. Maybe we've just hacked into the...

So this is going to fuck you up. There's a hat rack. There's a hat rack. There's a hat rack. Look good. He's back. Welcome back. Welcome back. The juices are flowing.

There's a hat rack. Oh! Wait, is this a different hat rack or the same one? There's two hat rack. How many hats did these guys have? Are there any hats on them? No. This is actually going to tick you off, Trave, because he's sitting in your chair.

Oh, you son of a bitch. I know, you just created it. Look who's getting the first sit, leaving his butt dimples behind. Well, I have to assume I've sat in it before this moment. I mean, you see Sticky Finger Palt Pantry there? Do you take a seat? Do you, how do you react to that? How unusual is that?

I think he's like, hey, get out of my sit boy. Hey, excuse me, Paul? May I call you Paul? I'd rather you didn't at Sticky Finger Paul Pantry. Okay, Mr. Pantry, would you please get out of my sit boy? Oh, this is special to you, is it? You know how I, you know what I feel that way about? Pry's Pantry, my store that you robbed from just a few moments ago.

No, I believe that we, I typically. to stop that robbery, Mr. Pantry. Take a seat. Let's talk. I would, but you're... He stands up and kind of puts his hands behind. Justin, I'm sorry, I have the most important question. Yeah? Are his fingers actually sticky?

Did he get sticky fingers on my sit boy? That's an excellent question. He's got gloves on their purple velour gloves. Thank God. Presumably to preserve his ever sticky fingers. Okay. Mr. Sticky Finger, Paul Pantry. First of all, I must say I'm a huge fan.

As a former practitioner of the mascottery arts, I think that you are a pioneer in this. Well, we don't have any mascots. You know, we should work on that. I guess I'm as close to a mascot as we get over at the prize pantry. I was thinking the same thing. But I am afraid there has been a point of confusion here. We intercepted this robbery and prevented it. We did not conduct any sort of illicit affairs on your, on the premises.

He pulls out a, like a phone or like a small, a small phone. It wouldn't be a phone. It would probably be just like an overall sort of communications device because it wouldn't have outside world. Like an iPod touch. Yeah, there you go. But it's definitely got in-part communications. He holds it up. And when he holds it up, you see a video clip that is clearly from security cameras.

And he's fucking got you dead to rights. Like you, well, yes. This is like, he is edited together like greatest hits of all the dumb shit that you just did to fucking him up. He's got you. There's no doubt in your mind. Look at this. He's, that he's got you.

Hey, Justin, can I just say, I want to take a moment to appreciate your story weaving because you have just introduced to me the very concept of if a mascot, like if Mickey came to life, would Mickey know that he was a mascot? We should, we're going to get a little bit deeper into that, so you need to hang with me. Oh, boy. I wouldn't pontificate too much. Well, this is all going on. Emrick is like throwing tarps and stuff over his workbench and sheets and saying, oh, please, go on.

Please, yes, tell. Uh-huh. Yes, sure. So. Covering all his work. It was, I mean, it was good. You got, I mean, you'll grab me. I've reviewed the footage.

You got extremely lucky, right? I mean, I mean, that's, that's mean. What you just did, trying to diminish our great efforts. I'm just saying it's clear you haven't been around and that's what I need. Has anyone else reviewed this footage? No, I know the game. I kept it to myself. In fact, I deleted it from the main servers.

I got the copy. Safe. Right where I need it. And that's funny because that's where I have you. See, I don't care about the pen. but I know that Dentonic would care very, very much. So,

here's the way it's going to work. You want to preserve your image? You want to keep Poppy's place going. Of course, you're going to do a little favor for me. You should know that we are largely ambivalent about the well-being of Poppy's establishment. He has made some business decisions

that we find questionable. Yeah, he's miserable. When Paul brings into a threat, like, legacy, that kind of thing, beef is going to stand up

to, like, full height in front of him, and say, so, just so I get this clear, you're here in our private room with no one around, and the only person who has seen this footage is you,

and you've deleted it, and you think, you have us where you want us. Yeah, that's exactly right. And you see his finger like hovering over a send button. Real quick, hey, beef, are you going to kill Sticky Finger Palt pantry? Yeah, they will come looking for me. Oh, I'm sure they will.

There's lots of places. Lots of places in this park. You know what? I don't think you're the right guys because I thought you were smart. And right now you're acting like someone who is not smart. So I'm going to go. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on. Just one moment.

I would like to maintain that at least 33 and a third and perhaps 66 and two-thirds percent of our organization is smart. And you're not going to find ratios like that in too many places. I'll tell you what. Please, please. Let us hear out what you want, and I'm sure Beef can be a little more hospitable. I'll give you all 30 seconds and talk about it. Hey, Beef, in the future, if you could not threaten to murder someone unless you are willing to follow through with that act, that would be sort of strategically advantage for us as a normal.

Listen, to me, hear me out for two seconds before he starts talking. I have been down not this exact road, but a similar route before. Okay. You guys have to trust me. You do one thing, and then the person knows that you've done it, and then they pressure you to keep doing more and more. And pretty soon you can't remember how you got to the place that you're in and you're not in control anymore, and it just leads to trouble.

That's capitalism. So let's get on in there. Let's hear him out, and if you don't like it, you can murder him, okay? Time's up. What's it going to be? Threats or a little bit of thrills, huh? Threats and thrills. That's good.

Hold on. Let me write that down. I choose. I choose thrills. I think we all are in agreement that we would like to hear the possibility of thrills. Just hear it. Just here in my house. Beef?

Yes. We are listening. Just to clarify, if you give us this pitch and then we say no, you're going to to release the video, right? That's the threat. Well, no, the threat was you saying you were going to kill me. No, I understand that, but I was answering. I was answering a threat with a threat.

Oh, let's all be friends. Let's start fresh, huh? Oh, I would love that so much. Beef, would that be okay? I'm sticky finger pole pantry. Everybody's my friend. Okay, yeah. I'm listening.

So, he gets at this point kind of a distant look in his own. like he's kind of like looking beyond you. You know what? I haven't always been thicky finger pole pantry. I used to be, I'm, hmm, friends.

And he starts raising his eyebrows. Friends. With short Doug up in Gutter City. Now, you know you've been around long enough to know that lifers, sometimes will refuse to admit that they have played a different character within Steeplechase, and instead we'll refer to that character as their friend. Yes.

And is Short Doug another character that we know of? Do we recognize the name of Short Doug? I don't know. Yeah. I mean, yeah, you've heard about Short Doug in Gutter City. What do we know about Short Doug? We'll find out. Okay.

You know what? Let me drop the pretense because this is gonna get confusing, okay? And he goes and like shuts the door, okay. Okay, so I was short duck. In Cutter City. But eventually, I got too old for the gig. It's kind of strenuous. I had a brief stint as old Doug, but never fit quite right.

Nobody wants a short old Doug. So I got the new gig. And it's great. I love God. be in sticky finger pole pantry and honestly short dug's a rough one. That guy gets into a lot of scrapes. He gets manhandle. It was a tough gig.

But I do miss one thing. See, there used to be a big getaway scene. Right. After the steals well diamond, the crooks would come in and they'd steal it from the Dusk Hotel. And then you got the crooks, right? the guests and staff and they're all crooks and they flee the scene and they they find a laundry parking lot and then short dug he's driving it right they're like short dog take the truck

and not with me i i got to drive it the the truck and it looks like all the other laundry trucks right but it's not it's the only one that actually drives because it's not just a laundry truck i mean this maybe. Purrs. Nothing in that world could touch her once the getaway started. But, I mean, by design, literally, there's not a vehicle that's faster in all the gun of the city, because what kind of chase would that be? So, sorry, sticky fingers for Paul Pantry.

You miss not the diamond. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You miss driving the laundry truck. The fastest truck. In the entire layer, it was amazing. I used it for the getaway every night when they got that far. Sometimes they wouldn't make it the laundry truck, but when they would, I would do the getaway. And I called it the clean.

A clean getaway. And it's a laundry truck. Yes. It works on a couple of levels. Yeah, I told my direct supervisor at the time, I told him about it, the idea. And I said, then should you, they should make it. They should call it that. And they said it was a good idea.

They said they couldn't change it, but they said that I was allowed to call it that whenever I wanted to. So, yeah. I mean, I don't want to brag, but here's the deal. I miss one thing from Gutter City. It's a big, stinking pile of trash. But I do with one thing. I miss driving the clean.

And that's what I want from you. I want you to steal the clean. Who? Now, you saw in that video the issues we had stealing a tiny pen, right? Yeah. The thought of what swallowing a laundry truck could do to the inside of my body, it gives me a terrible fight. I wouldn't swallow it. What?

Let me write that down. Hold on. Let me write that down. Yeah, let's take notes. Don't swallow this. swallow the laundry truck. Okay. Unless absolutely necessary. But, or shrink it down

with some sort of magic beam. Well, that won't be necessary. No magic beams required. It's hard light. Oh. Someone constructed a vehicle

of hard light. That's right. And that's what I want. I want the prism that powers the clean. And I want you to get it for me. Now, I know that the last job didn't go exactly as you're planning, at least Christ, I hope not.

But you're the baddest guys, I know. So, and also, I got the leverage. You remember the leverage? So, what do you say? We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll do it. No, no. Wait, hold on. A hardline vehicle? Yeah. Caval. Just another 30 seconds, if you do not mind,

Mr. Sticky Fingerpal Pantry. Thank you time. We got to at least negotiate for some payment other than just extortion. Do not just be so eager. I need you to go back in there and say, actually, this sounds scary and dangerous and we'll need lots of upfront capital. Do you understand? Don't, don't it?

Yeah. What if you offer to just program the clean for him here? That would also save us a great deal of effort. I know, fellas, but I have to tell you. to actually program a moving vehicle of hard light. It delights me to think of, but that's beyond my capabilities. I would have to have some kind of guide that showed me, I need to get my hands on this prism as well.

It's also one thing that you would know, Emmerich, is that hard light and prism are interconnected. You can't replicate a hard light pattern on a different prism because of the way the light reflects differently in each prism. you have to hard code the programming to that specific prism. So he could make another vehicle hypothetically, but it would be different than this one. And all the work that he would be doing, you know, he would just be like making it again. And it wouldn't be his.

That's not the point. I mean, the point is that that's what that it wouldn't be the same. Nistalgia. What a, what a turd. Okay. Hey, real quick, I have a question for you, Mr. Sticky Fingers, Paul pantry. Please call me Mr. Paul pantry. Okay.

Um, the diamond you mentioned. Please, call me Mr. Fingers Pulpian. Yes, Mr. Fingers, Paul Pinch. Um, the diamond you mentioned is it... Oh, the Steel's Well, Diamond. Yes. Is it unique or valuable in any way? Trash.

They go through three or four of the things. Oh, we used to it at least. Go through three or four the things every month. I mean, they could replicate that. It's a 3D printed little stone. People would take it for a souvenir or, uh, They just lose it sometimes. Okay, so listen, as mentioned, obviously, I'm the big dumb one.

But here is my question for you, Mr. Fingers-Paul Vantry. If we don't do this, you release the footage, yes? Well, I mean, I didn't think, I thought we had taken threats off the table. I thought we were just friends working together. Yes, but I'm just establishing baseline. This is the heat removed. and then if we fail while trying to do it, we're going to get in serious trouble.

Honestly, if you fail while you're trying to do it, we're fine because I don't want to get tied up with any of it. No, no, this is what I'm saying. So if we get caught trying to steal a truck, we get in trouble. Oh, boy. You should be even out of your layer. It'll be bad. Right.

And if we succeed and get you the truck, We're just back at zero. We're just back at neutral. Well, there's damages. There's hurt feelings to consider. It very much pained me when you stole my pen at my very exciting party that I planned. Not as much as it pained me, I assure you. I guess the point that I'm trying to make and mantros, I think, can take over from here.

What is in it for us? Oh Well, I mean Your rep won't be ruined What are you wanting money? We do Joking aside We are friends here

And You have come to us With this ask Because you recognize a spark Of talent in us Or else I assume you would have gone to One of the many other Disreputable Organizations

Present here at Steeple Chase You know us as consummate professionals. And when you deal with consummate professionals, you have done nothing to assure your status as a consummate professional. I look down at his screen and I say, well, yes, I suppose that you do have a video of us screwing the pooch, so to speak.

You, however, do not seem to have any. evidence of our other criminal activities. Maybe you're assuming the wrong thing about us. Oh, a little bit of mystery. I love that. Okay. Griff, are you trying to persuade him to pay you? Yeah. Okay. You will get paid for this job because it's a job and it's blaze in the dark and you do jobs for money. I would normally say this would be a six sweet job, which is a standard score, decent loot. But because of the blackmail and whatever, I think he's leaning more towards four coin.

So if you can persuade him to, I'll cut you a little bit extra. I'll get you the six. Okay. But I'm going to need a consort, I guess, right? When you're swaying people in a way that is not. Montrose, can I talk to you for just a second? Yes. What if we took the standard pay but asked him to connect us with some of these people in gutter, what is it, gutter city?

Guttertown? I mean, gutter city. That's a bunch of people play acting at criminal activity. I believe that the buttercream we saw where the real, real stuff happens. I am not concerned about making friends in gutter city. Now, wait, hold on. I'm not concerned about making friends in gutter city. I mean, it's called gutter city.

Yeah, listen, I know that this is about much more than just a truck to you, right? It's about the thrill you felt. That's true. Piloted that beautiful vehicle down the streets, making hairpin turns to evade Johnny Law. What if... I mean, there's no streets, but yeah, absolutely. There's no streets and gutters? Where's the gut?

Well, those are... It's all alleys. Paul. It's a city of alleys. But then it's just... Aren't the alleys then become streets? This is a semantic argument. Mr. Fingis Paul Pantry.

Listen. In exchange with... So wait, is sticky your first name? Yeah, sticky... I don't know, Travis. It's all the make-em-up. Make-em-em-ups. I don't know.

What are you want from him? not a real guy. His real name is Sticky Fingers, but then his mom, Mary Fingers, married a man named Paul. Please continue. Okay. Listen, in exchange for fair compensation, preferably a number that is cleanly divisible by three, we can not only deliver you the truck, Mr. Sticky Finger Paul Pantry. We can deliver the thrill. We can take you along with us, bring you under our protection, secure your anonymity

and you can be the getaway driver of a real deal heist well that sounds great I have blessed in zero interest in that because I do not want to be arrested

and or go to jail and I want no actual danger for myself whatsoever but I will I will okay we can work something out that was also Justin in his head going, I don't want to do this voice. I'm not doing this voice for him more.

I'm not doing this. I'm going to stay in this room. And go on vocal rest. Okay, Griff, let's try sway here. Let's sway him. Let's see how that goes. Okay. We'll go a risky standard.

That's a five. Okay. Okay, I'll make you a deal. I'll give you six sweets. But I need a little help from you once you're back to hold on to it for a little while for me. A little bit of storage. Can you add that to your list of services? Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Oh, yes. We will need time to store it for you. You are such an odd duck. I, sometimes I feel bad. I haven't gotten to know you better because you're so close. I prefer that way. Yeah, I think I do too, actually. Okay, good.

We got a plan. There's, um, here's the way it's going to have to work, though. It's a big room full of the same laundry truck. And you won't know which one is the clean until they go to steal it, until the getaway starts. So, in order to get to that point, you gotta make sure whoever's doing the heist pulls it off. Christ.

But they can't know you're helping. Or I'll still complain. You just gotta, you gotta steal the gym without doing anything to steal the gym. Okay, interference. No. not so much interference. It sounds like we are going to be angels in the outfield.

This is what I mean. We're running interference. Right? So as things would disrupt the heist, we're just going to bump them. Yeah, that's a really nice way of putting it. And then

you have to steal everything from them and then you have to steal the truck and it's easy, it's clean. Yes. Very good play onwards. Okay, so Paul, Mr. Fingers, Paul Pantry. Yeah. The, how the heist, the play acting heist works.

Can you run through that for us? Well, I couldn't dream of it. I mean, it's been years since I was friends with short Doug. Right, right, right. Is there a new short dog? I don't know. I'm here in front of you. Okay, one thing, though.

Did you mention that the participants in the heist are both guests and the workers of Gutter City? Yeah, they're cast and guests. And how are the guests selected, or is it everyone who's a guest there gets to do it? Well, the people that have wanted the experience of pulling off a heist in Gutter City. I mean, it's a dream. The smoky alleys and the shadows and you never know who's behind you. The twist and turns, it's really an amazing place if you can get past the smell. Oh, I have been laboring under a misconception this whole time.

I thought gutter city was a bowling-oriented level. You talked about gutters and you talked about alleys. It's an uncommon mistake, but I suppose these things do happen. This will be more difficult than I actually. imagine maybe we need eight sweets bold that's real hold on let's obviously because it's not a bowling

yeah we can we can talk as out loud by the way you're pretty close to gutters city you know it's not a bowling we can speak we can speak out loud in front of mr fingerpaw pantry and say that he is of course not going to give us eight sweets but emiric

I really appreciate the effort that you have shown in trying to walk back your earlier unchecked enthusiasm for the job. I think that with our next client, I think that that will benefit us greatly. I think the ship has sailed. I should do it earlier in the process.

I think that that's great. Yeah, wouldn't you agree, Mr. Sticky Fingerpal Pantry? If he's gone. So, you're in? This is great. I don't know anything about the job, but I can point you in the direction of somebody that does. Will they have an easier voice to do?

God, I hope so. Okay, listen, I'm going to get back to the pantry before people start to miss me because they love when I'm around. You should change, though. Remember, only black and white. I'm Lisa Hannawalt, and I'm Emily Heller. Wow, Emily, we've been doing this podcast for 10 years. I know, but hey, don't worry, you can jump in at literally any episode and hear us talk about some of our favorite stuff. Caterpillars becoming bufellar. Butterflies. Martha Stewart flying around in a private jet full of trees. Yes, you heard me

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Yeah, completely. Our silly show is 15 years old. That makes it old enough to get its learners permit. And almost old enough to get the talk. Wow, I hope you got the talk before then. A lot of things have changed in 15 years. Our show's not one of them. We're never changing and you can't make us.

Jordan Jesse go the same forever at maximum fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. I remember every moment of it like I'd written it myself. The rain drizzled down like a dirty sheet sliding off a hotel mattress. It was a slow night and got a city, which isn't a nicer town as the name might make it seem. My name's Dala Davis. And for the worst part of my life is a private eye for people who can't afford. one of the better connected dicks. I try to set myself apart by being a fair dealer right down the middle.

I'm no whippoorwill, mind you. I'm giving plenty of mugs, their final belly button piercing. But I've never put down someone who didn't deserve it except for once. And that one time is why I keep my whiskey bottle closer than a mama, a hen, and a chick's. That last metaphor was thirsty enough to put me in the mood for another drink, but after two twists of the knob, that's when they walked in. So what do you guys look like?

That was so good, Justin. I especially love the part about better connected dicks. Thanks. You're welcome. What does Darlenevis see? I'm going to say beef has gone like full Dick Tracy thug.

so like square shoulder trench coat like beat up a fedora scuffed shoes you know just like clearly is like this guy is cut and paste from hey what do you think we're doing your boss that kind of guy you know what I mean he's

he's going for that kind of dumb thug look that um I have a person that is in my mind that I imagine when I hear from Emreck, but I'd love to hear from you before I bias everyone. You mean his physical appearance? Yes, I mean his physical appearance. Very, he's very thin. I think I've used the word waspish before.

And he is, in this instance, he has a mustache. He has mustacheos. We love that. His only affectation to fashion, I guess, or to stand out is it's a really beautiful mustache, curled up on the ends. And he loves to wear coveralls. So he's wearing black coveralls. with like a cowl, like a hood over it. That's also black and some black goggles, like welders goggles.

Justin, I'm just going to add to my load reflective vest to keep Emmerick safe at night walking through the streets. Oh, good, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, glow tape. Glow tape, yeah, maybe one of those flashing headlamp for Emmerick. I'll make mine easy for you, juice. I'm human dark wing duck. Wait,

dark wing duck's not human? Travis, come on. Don't waste my time. Yeah, human dark wing duck. The cape has two colors. The inside's a different color

from the outside. It's a lot of purple, wide brim. Now he did say black or white. Oh, okay. Well, it's a purplish black. It's that black that's So black, and it's almost an aubergine.

Yeah. And no pants. No, there's, there's, there's definitely pants. I think the cape is what makes it sort of stand out. The belt, too, a big, big Gucci belt buckle right in the middle of it. Maybe Chanel. I forget which one has, like, the big letter on it. And so Darla says all that.

And each one of them more beautiful than the last, with a letter. legs that go all the way. I could tell they were sizing me up, too. Dark brown skin, haircut short enough so that no heavies can get a handful. A long gray jacket with enough pockets to hold a lot of a Connery class tickets to the mortuary. And of course, matching black turtleneck and dungeries. Rain a shine. Are economy class tickets to the mortuary bullets?

Yeah. Our guns or knives or whatever. Okay, yeah, got to, got to get. And where are our legs going to? All the way, maybe. They connect at the middle and the floor. It's also, it's been a while since I have visited GoTo City. Do we often have to describe out loud what we're wearing up here, or is that sort of a personal characteristic?

Oh, who are you, are you talking? Is this what you're, oh, this is her say, this, no, I ask you guys, that's why I said it like this. And that's why you answered, like, my brothers and my father. that that was just to sort of establish what you guys looked like. I'd been imagining Philo from UHF for Dad, so I'm happy to know that he's... Okay. So not that I don't appreciate the eye candy boys, but what exactly brings you into my office today? Crime.

Crime. You know that I am Darla Davis, private investigator, right? Yes. So what crime do you need me to stop? The crime of, the crime of, uh, of, uh, let's start over, not crime, not crime. That was a joke. We are here as representatives of a sort of, uh, what I believe is a mutual acquaintance. One short dug.

Short Doug? Yes, as I mean. Did you say short dog? I think you know that that is the name I said. How is he looking? I mean, when he, last time I saw him, he still looked the exact same face of an angel, head just as bald as a newborn baby. How's he looking?

He is looking rather sticky and excitable. That's short dug for you. You know, the nights are a lot longer without short dug around, light things up with a little smile from time to time. So what do you need from me? Well, we don't need anything so much as Short Doug needs your assistance. Well, with what? I'm listening. Someone else want to step in here because I feel like I've been doing all the talking.

Beef during this time has been studying her reactions to this. I want to try to determine, much like we just had that conversation with Paul and being a friend of short Doug and all that. Beef wants to figure out how like bought into this private investigator role. She is. Here's what I would say. From your time there in steeplechase,

you should assume that everyone, like that sort of like dropping of the masks slightly that sticky figure Paul pantry did in even reflexively putting the mask back up. That is, so we don't have to have this conversation repeatedly. Okay. Which I know that I just opened the door to.

Yeah. It's safe to assume everyone's completely bought in. Okay. Then let me put it a different way. I'm studying this private detective to see how, let's say, scrupulous she is. Because if short Doug was on the crime side of things and driving the getaway vehicle and she is, feels positive towards him, is she like, I'll do anything for a dollar or like, at the end of the day, I'm still going to, like, uphold the law. Here's a here's what you, what I imagine sticky figure, Paul pantry would have told you before you departed. Um, which by the way, uh, I wanted to ask you, I wanted to jump into

the world to try to set this like noir tone, but, um, I did want to ask you, do you all, uh, how did you all get up to, uh, gutter city? And sticky finger, Paul pantry had to coordinate that for us, right? Like moving between layers is not free and even. easy. So I assume. We've gotten a taste of it right with the buttercream sled. Yeah, but I also- The undercarriage.

Yeah, I also think- I liked mine better, frankly, but the buttercream sled. I think the undercarriage is the last resort means of transport for us. Oh, you would like that, wouldn't you? But no, the undercarriage is pretty much the main sneaky way. It's extremely painful. It's extremely painful and dangerous every time. I'm just saying, picture like some little, like,

bar-were-ass characters, like on a tiny sled sled, sledding down a cake. a buttercream. Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing. But you're up here now. Okay. Wait, what was I on before you guys got? And you were talking about Paul Pantry would have told us about...

What would have told you. Darla Davis is a private investigator. And as a private investigator, she is someone who is comfortable in the gray between good and bad. She's got her own moral code, but she, you know, if the cops are on one side and the crooks are on one side, she's her own side. Okay, great. Since we jumped into it and didn't have time for

like discussion ahead of time, does this call for a flashback or can we just say like, there was a discussion between the three of us? What specifically? How much we're going to figure out our approach. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a great, I love that.

I love that. Let's do a flashback and you three are walking up to Darla Davis's office. Where Sticky Finger Paul Pantry told you it would be. You noticed, by the way, as you're walking through, that Paul Pantry was not exaggerating. These are alleys.

They're not buildings. As far as you can tell, this is all, like, imagine a city of back entrances of, you know, hanging lights encircled by mosquitoes, fire escapes, that kind of thing. But no, like, grand entrances. It's all alleys. I have to imagine, too, a lot of overuse of, like, dead end and no exit signs.

Yes, absolutely. Like, we get it. Okay, you've said, yeah, it's a double entendant. It's dead. Okay. So, before we head on up there, if we could just have a quick team meeting, I do think we should not volunteer that we are criminals now. We shouldn't mention anything about crime. Do not mention crime whatsoever.

We are just trying to find out, trying to get the lay of the land, so to speak. Here's what I'm thinking. If this is, you know, we think about it as experiential for a guest, right? What if we say it's like a VIP? We're hiring Darla to help with the heist to make sure that this guest who's participating in the heist, who's going to drive the getaway vehicle, slam dog, has a good experience. Maybe we say it's like a friend of Short Dog or like a friend of Paul Pantry who's here. Or, you know what I mean?

Like a friend of Denton maybe? Somebody who'd like, we want to make sure we really like grace the wheels. I think that's exceptional. Wonderful. Wonderful idea. Hey, gentlemen, how you doing? You just walk past a guy and he's holding, he looks kind of down on his luck, but he's holding a saxophone.

Can I treat you gentlemen to a song? Hell yeah. Play it right now. You know, do you know Baker Street? That'll be five coins, gentlemen. I assume that was you warming up. How about that song? Hey, do you need to tune a saxophone?

I'm not sure how that works. He pulls a switchblade out of the end of the saxophone. Hey, I said that's going to be five coins. I run an honest business here and you said you wanted a song. Now, are you all going to start digging into your pockets or am I going to start digging into your guts? Okay, we're gonna go Hey, I want my five coins Well, here's the issue, sir

We know that we are not stabbed in the future So This threat that you are trying to establish Is All right, you guys are trying to confuse me With a bunch of highfalutin brainy guy talk Sure I went to a city college

But I'm not ashamed of it Okay, you three Wait, which one? Here, you get... Sorry, which city college? gutter city college oh you know uh my friend derrick went to gutter city college you know him he was the communications major yeah and i hated him yeah he said he hated you too well i'm glad to know where i stand and i want to know where you all are standing and that's far away from me get moving you play us if you don't mind play us off with another one of those beautiful melodies

really pushing your luck, pal. Traveling music. We need traveling music. We just got warmed up. All right, only the first two are free. Get moving. So, how can I help you? Do you know a guy who plays saxophone?

That's mean dog. Got a lot of dugs. Yeah. Listen, we are here to facilitate a memorable experience for a certain VIP, if you catch my drift.

Ah, this sort of job. A big chunk of cheese. A big old hunkard Swiss. But it is vital that we do so from the periphery, from the shadow, so that the experience is left untainted for the participants. So you're wanting to make something go real smooth where it might be a little bit rocky? That is precisely our intent. Now, for you, boys, a cigar.

Yeah. Yeah, that sounds great. Yeah. Holy Dary's two for a quarter. Okay, yeah, I'll take one. And Darla takes one and sort of effortlessly tosses in her mouth and lights hers and what did you want? You want one beef? Yeah.

Okay. Here you go. She tossed you a cigar in bed. He bites the end off, you know, in like that, like, like, very cool. Yeah, very heavy. Yeah. You gotta bite through the cap There is just nothing like that

First smooth, satisfying hit of tobacco Can Emmerich do Can we finish just a garby? Yeah, that's it I haven't lit mine Okay, she, you know, here he tossed you the match Go out, yours in private. Yeah, Dad, go ahead Um

Amric would like to survey this office and see if there is any hard light work going on. Hmm. Hmm. Hmm. Oh, the match went out. Give him another match. God.

Okay, dad, go ahead and give me a survey. Okay, not risky. Controlled? Yeah. Yeah. Controlled. By the way, I was really controlled. reading and stuff and

trying to get a better clarification on that. Controlled, here's a good rule of thumb is that if you don't pull off your role in controlled, then you can take it again. So to me, I think that that's probably a good metric for controlled is like, could you do it again if it didn't work? But the second time is risky, right?

Yeah, exactly. But like, I think that's a solid metric. Like, could you do it twice with no issues? Right, right, right, right. So, like, taking a swing at someone is like, they're not going to stand there and let you take a second swing. Right, right, right, right. And if it's a high pressure situation, like, last time we were, like, looking for the bad dudes, right? Like, that is in the crowd at the prize pantry.

Like, that is something that you would probably get one shot at. Like, you wouldn't, because it's a shifting situation and, you know, that kind of thing. But go ahead. Well, Dad, you've rolled it, too. Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Not great.

You actually, while you're looking around, you get something in your eye. The good news, though, Dad, is that you have failed this survey role, and that is sad for everyone. But you can take it, take, you can do it again. I would like to try it again. Whoa. This time risky. This time it'll be risky because you've been looking around for a while, I guess. Darling, Mike gets a special.

Yeah, it's going to catch you. Well. Oh, Christ. Well, you've rolled a one this time, Dad. And I, here's what I will say. You are unable to tell if this is hard light stuff, then it's, then it's brand spanking new. Or it may not be at all. But as far as you can tell, no hard light present, which does not, I should clarify, it does not mean that there is hard light present.

So you may be right about that. You just have no more certainty about it than you did before. Gotcha. Gotcha. Okay. Dahlia, if we did want to surreptitiously implant ourselves in the proceedings, what do you think would be the best sort of window of opportunity for us to do so?

Well, are you all talking about the diamond? Just so we can all be on the same page? Sorry, can I have another match real quick? Oh, sure. It's a real pain in the ears. I just can't. Do you have like a lighter? Or, uh, oh, um, just matches.

I'm lighter. What lighter did you say? No, just matches. Yeah, what? And she digs into her drawer and she's got like probably 150 matchbooks and she takes another one out and throws it to you. Is there anything written on the cover, Justin? Oh, that's what I was going to ask.

Let me, let me, let me take care of it for you. And Darla stands up and in like a pretty condescending way, uh, lights your your cigar for you and kind of shields it from the wind and then goes and says back down. Like she's lighting a cigar for a baby. Yeah. Yes. Okay. Okay.

Okay. When that happens, Beef is going to play it. Like, well, thank you. Couldn't have done it without you. A little flattered. He's going to play into the condescension. I'm going to say Beef likes detective novels, maybe. And so if she's going to play the, like, they walked to.

dead legs all the way to the ground kind of thing. He's not going to not play into it. Okay. We'll do that. I sure am nice to depend on, you know, someone to take care of you. Thank you so much. Man, we feel safe. Well, you're real smart to know what side your bread is butted on.

Now, tell me, are we talking about the diamond? The steel well? Stealwell. That's right. You're the smart one of the group, the real sharp tack. That is, I would, I would. say undecided at this point. We have not really established

roles that firmly, but yes, it's the diamond. That's it. That's the diamond. You know it. It steals well. Well, let me think on this. See, I would love to help you all with your proposition,

whatever it may be. You want it to go one way. You want it to go another. But I like to run a real clean table here, so I don't like to get my hands as as warm as things tend to get around the Steelswell Diamond. Well, let me think for a friend of short. All right, here's what we'll do.

You want my help, assuring that the theft of the Steel's Well Diamond goes real smooth. I need your help with something first. We are neck deep in favors already, but... Well, then certainly one more won't hurt. Toss it on the pile. Mine's a real easy, too.

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