The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 1

Episode Date: January 11, 2024

Dracula has spread chaos in the realm of Angrave for too long, casting a dark shadow over the city of Lumineaux. Can a semi-retired monster hunter, a man of the cloth, and a muscled high-society woman team up to take him down? Additional Music in this Episode: "Trio for Piano Violin and Viola" and "Erik Satie: Gymnopedie No 3" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/; and "Celosia" by sawsquarenoise: http://rolemusic.sawsquarenoise.com/; Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear diary, how come everybody wants to kill Dracula? I mean, the people whose villages I've raised to the ground, whose family trees I've so thoroughly pruned, them I understand. But how did my vulnerabilities become the topic of casual dinner table conversation? I don't talk about the weaknesses of mortal men, and Lord knows I could. I may be biased, but it seems these days that haters are coming at me left, right, and center,

trying to snuff my candle. Well, fortunately, my light is not so easily extinguished. The realm of Ongrave is sick, and the diagnosis is Draculitis. This once fertile peninsula bears countless scars of its roots. rulers' attempts to thwart death's design. Shambling corpses to shamble about derelict laboratories. Packs of wear beasts of all stripes roam the endless woods. Some great bellowing presence howls through tunnels that weave beneath the land like great

grotesque arteries. And at the northern Cape, Count Dracula's castle towers over the land surrounded by impassable ghoul-sprinkled marshes. Night fell over ongrave years ago and has since never relented. Fiends of all shapes and sizes thrive in this eternal evening, but so too does beauty. The city of Lumino shines like a beacon in the heart of this land, and it has attracted artists, musicians, authors, and poets like moths to a flame. This bohemian enclave is protected by a lighthouse that bathes the city in a rich amber glow under which evil is repelled.

and culture itself has been thoroughly incubated. The city of Lumino is the destination of a vehicle that races up the misty high road from the southern mainland. The hooves of two great ashen stallions pound against a hardened clay path weaving through a forest of Talbanai. The horses are huge, beautiful holes, crazy muscles in definition. And they're towing an equally grandiose enclosed carriage of dark wood and wood. marbled lacquer. This is an incredibly luxurious means of conveyance, but it is running several minutes behind schedule and for good reason. The driver is dead and the carriage is on fire. Let's roll for initiative. Justin made a face when you mentioned the lacquer. Justin was that a

problem for you as a woodworker that you're like, that's not the right kind of lacquer for that wood? We're fine with the lacquer. We're fine with the lacquer. It's all good. You did step, it is important that I do say you do need to roll for a initiative. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. So we can play the as we're doing that. I should also just a quick question, Griffin, you didn't mention in the artists and stuff that were in Lumino any like influencers or beauty bloggers or anything like that. There is influencers and beauty bloggers are also definitely, definitely taking up residence there. Oh, and I bet some very successful tanning salons, probably? Um, no, not those. Spraising. I'll grant you spray tan. I will grant you spray tan. Okay. I'll take it. Yeah.

First in the order. Travis. Uh-huh. Introduce your character to us, please. Well, I'll be playing Crawford Muntney. You can call me Mutt. Everybody does. I will need Crawford.

I do, let's just, can we do some quick notes? Yeah. I do, I love the voice. I love the tone, the tonality. I need Crawford to enunciate just a little bit more. Yeah, you got it, man. So I'm a hunter, Monster Hunter, generate, like, Crawford Muttner the 5th.

My daddy was a monster hunter. His daddy, his mom, and her dad and mom. So it's monster hunters all the way down. I'm traveling with my dog, Lady Agatha. This away, you know, just with my crossbow and, you know, all my hunting tools and everything. I'm envisioning Sam Elliott just in terms of vibe, but that might just be the divorce. voice that you were doing and also that I'm just always kind of thinking about Sam Elliott a little bit. Well, listen, we're all always kind of thinking about Sam Elliott a little bit. Yeah, a little bit. He's got like some scraggling mustache and lots of furs and dressed like a... I feel, Travis, I feel like I just railroaded you into having a mustache. No, he already had a mustache. If you look at my character sheet, you will see that my character image has a mustache. I just took you on a mustache ride. And I just want to make sure that we're solid.

No, it was a consensual mustache ride. Do you not worry. Okay, fantastic. All right. But you are one of three inhabitants of this grand carriage. It has been a couple hours ride through the night of this dark land. You've been exchanging pleasant trees. You've only just sort of come together with your two co-passengers here.

And just as you start to see the light of luminow tower peeking over the tops of the pines as you approach the city, you hear a thunk from the back of the carriage and you smell smoke moments later. And then you see the shadow of your driver stand to investigate this sound before you hear two more thunks as arrows plunge into his chest, sending him ragdolling backwards over the driver's perch. Oh, well, that's not good. What do you do? Okay, Aggie, get under the seat here. Let me investigate. Aggie is your dog. Describe your dog, which I will make clear, again, is a cosmetic item, a vanity pet.

A vanity, and it is vanity. Let's be clear. Lady Agatha, this way, is what's known as a Bloodahula, which is half-bloodhound, half-cata-hula leopard dog. she is to sit in from a long line of champion hunting dogs, but she was born of an unsanctioned twist between a bloodhound and a cateauola, so her owners were like... Unsanctioned...

Well, yeah, you know about like breeders and stuff when you have champion dogs, right? They're very, like, controlling of like, we will breed with other, like, champion dogs or whatever. And this is a dog born of love. A noble stud went out on the streets, got wild is what you're saying. And this dog is the result of that.

Well, a noble dam. Okay. Yeah. Um, sewing her wild oats. Okay, yeah. Lady Agatha was born of that trist. This dog is not going to be, uh, a, a combat asset at all. We have basically established.

Listen, more than anything, whether it was going to be rained in by combat or not. This dog ain't getting hurt, folks. Don't you worry one day. Yeah, you can get the seal of the seal of, or will. I'm not going to. So, Mike is going to, is this, you said it as a close.

Well, now hold on, Travis, because you just set up a situation where you could be in the final boss fight and then just pick the dog up and hold it in front of your torso. And because we have established that reverse care bear stare. Right.

One of your boundaries is that your dog's invincible. I need your promise that you're not going to use that to try to break the game. That's a big ask here in the first moments. You can't bad narrative. Like, we couldn't, in Siebel Chase, we had the no damage to kids rule.

Thankfully, we've chucked that for this season. Yeah. Kids, fair game. Children beware. We're actually going to make up for it this season. We've been holding off and it's all pent up. We're putting kids on notice. Dracula's in town.

Sleep tight. But to justice point, actually, I can't believe I didn't think about this. It's steeplechase. We could have just made ourselves a suit of kids and been invincible warriors. Have you guys seen the new Iron Man movie? It's weird. It's wild. He makes a suit of kids and is invincible.

The new Godzilla gets nasty. Wait till you all see it. He does some things. Okay, so. With his kiteon. Your dog Aggie hides under the sort of bench that you are sitting on inside of this carriage. Yeah. This is an enclosed carriage.

You got basically two double doors opening up the sides of the carriage on either side. Yeah, I'm not going to like... There are narrow windows in the front and back for you to sort of sort of see up, but you can't sort of make out what's going on through the size of them. Matt's going to open the door and lean out. Okay. On which side? I guess the side you're sitting on. On the right side.

Okay, cool. You do so. It is easy to swing these doors open, although this carriage ride has been fairly smooth up to this point. It is no longer smooth. Obviously, this happened just seconds before we sort of got into this encounter, but the horses are a little bit freaked out by what's going on. Yeah, man. You poke your head out of the side of the carriage.

And the first thing you notice is sort of how well you can see these three horseback riding figures that are chasing your wagon. It is curious how clearly you can define them. And then you realize it's because the back of your carriage is on fire and producing a not insignificant amount of light. So you can clearly see your assailants. You have three figures wearing robes of red braided fabric. And judging by this sort of extra adornment of the writer in the front of this formation of three, he appears to be the one in charge. All three of their faces, however, appear to be concealed by illusory magic.

It's like red opaque steam is venting from the neckline of their robes, completely shrouding their faces. They are wielding crossbows, the two riders flanking the carriage. The one at the head of the formation does not and seems to be holding some sort of fire in his hand, which is not great. Okay. What do you do? I'm going to climb up into the driver's seat. Well, at first, say, like, just letting you all know, it looks like.

We got about three horseback ride. I'm going to say bad guys, I'm guessing. They got steam faces, you know, one of them. And so I'm on our driver's dead, so I'm going to see if I can steer the carriage, BRB, and try to climb up onto the front seat. Okay, you are attempting this sort of shifting of rolls on the vehicle on a moving carriage that is a little bit on fire. So I'm going to make you make an athletics check to determine sort of how well you are able to navigate around the side of this car.

Oh, yeah. I got a 14. Okay, yes, on a 14 athletics check, this was something of a difficult kind of task to do smoothly. You do get up into the driver's seat and you are able to kind of share it with this dead man. And while you climbed up here, however, you gave the reins an accidental tug, just trying to kind of like keep your balance. And it seems to have spooked the horses a little bit more than they already were. But you are able to get up here. What do you do now? I'm going to take control of them their horses, Griffin.

Okay. You grab the reins and prepare to rear back and take some control of the situation. As you watch trees whip by on either side of you, it takes you back to a memory of running. Of another time when I saw trees. Another time, another incredible tree. You know, these trees remind me of these other trees I saw once. Green, big, wood.

I'll never forget. They were the treeest trees I ever did see. You remember running through the forest. You hours ago saw the flare go up, which is your family's signal that someone is in terrible danger and in need of assistance. And after following the trail of smoke in the night sky and the scent that Aggie picked up on, you finally passed through a clearing and you see him. Your oldest and only living brother, Russell, broken and blue. leading lying draped over the roots of a large tree.

What do you do? Rusty. Rusty? Hey, hey, speak to me. Is that you, Crawford? Yeah. Crawford. I fucked up, man.

Oh, man, is it fireworks? Not this time. Oh, I took a job I shouldn't at Crawford. I was hunting down the invisible man. man and he beat my ass. Yeah, man. The invisible man beat my ass so bad, Crawford. Did he have invisible friends with him?

Okay, I'm not supposed to know that. Crawford, he was invisible. Sorry, I wasn't thinking. One time I could swear, I felt three fists get on me at once, so there may be more than one invisible man. Yeah. Oh, but he invisible man did beat my ass to death,

Crawford. To death? I think so. This feels pretty final. Oh, man. It's too late for me, brother. Okay. We're not going to be able to accomplish that dream of ours, I think, brother. We're not going to be open in our themed bar? With the name of it, which we came up with was, of course.

The Monster Mash. The Monster Mash is going to have taxidermied heads on the walls with the talking. Yep, that was it. His heads on the walls that would talk. Yep, we know it We both came up with it a long time ago No, not that one I can't do without you, you're the money man

What was the famous potato side dish That you guys had had talked about? I couldn't remember which one you went with Oh, the mashed monsters Okay, interesting And Griffin, what was it you thought? I thought they were called I can't come up with one

I'm trying so hard But I can't come up with a scary potato. Mashed og rotten. You weren't? That was rotten, dad. Good job. Thank you. Listen, not that one.

I'm talking about the one of killing Dracula's ass and taking his faints and making earrings out of them and then going to get our ears pierce so we can wear our Dracula earrings all around town. Yeah. Okay, well, I got two ears. Do you want me to wear two in your honor? Yes, Crawford, but most importantly, the most important... Oh, no, he's back! And then he just gets picked up by some invisible force and thrown into the tree, and you see your brother getting his ass kicked by an unseen assailant.

What do you do? Start stabbing wildly. Okay, make an attack roll with disadvantage. It's weird that we know he survives this. Whatever he does. Does he? Oh, wow. Oh, yes.

Even with Dissavanger, I got an 18. That's really good. Okay, yeah, I mean, with an 18, you see your brother being just sort of flailed around and smashed into the side of this tree, and then you stab a dagger down, and there's a spray of warm, invisible blood that you can feel, and then all of a sudden your dagger is floating in midair.

God, yeah, if it's invisible, how do you know? It could be bile or peasant. If you stab someone's so good, they piss all over you. That's a fucking good attack. That's a good knife. Got him right in the bladder. You see your knife floating in midair. Is this a knife that you have any kind of emotional attachment to?

No, I have like 20 of them. Okay, because you hear, fuck! And then you see your knife just sort of jog into the woods and disappear. Now your brother is laying on the ground, his ass extra kick. And he says, you gotta kill Dracula Crawford. Okay. You gotta bring this one home for our family. Okay.

Promise me. Yeah, no, I said okay. No, you gotta say out loud, I promise I will kick Dracula's ass and take his teeth. I promise I will kick Dracula's ass and take his teeth. Okay. And promise me that she'll tell Mama that I... Oh no! back again.

You just see your brother just getting kicked over and over again. Is the knife still there? Is this a different? Yeah, you see the knife still there and you hear a guy just going like, I changed my mind and he's kicking your brother over and over again. What do you do? I pull the knife out. Okay.

Yeah, you don't have to do, you hear him say, oh, fuck, why did it come? And you see, you hear branches wrestle off in the distance. And you also see Russell off as you look down. In the distance. He is dead on the. ground. Oh man. What do you want me tell mama? You wake up from this dream inside of a flashback. And you are at home in your finning a top to make sure this is the real world. It's so important.

You spin your top. It is it is the flashback dream. You know exactly what layer you are on you. This is not limbo. I got the kick. You got the kick. Your mother is making you breakfast in your very big and empty. sort of mountain cottage here. She making eggs? The mutner. Well, there's no chickens anymore. Okay. Hold on, let me try that voice again.

Well, we ain't got no chickens no more. What with all the wolfmen's. But we got fake eggs that I got from the grocery store. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Now, they ain't sloppy and slimy, is they? we're not doing a fucking I don't know that I want to conjure that particular energy into our show

she says well you look into getting your job yet Crawford you mean like getting another like contract of like killing because I've been we've been doing pretty good

selling like you know the things we harvest from the monsters and stuff for potions and you know for reagents and whatnot oh wow many times we've got to have this conversation, Crawford. We got to take a break from all that. You got to learn to go to fold them.

You need to find someone to go out there and can restock the old muttoner gene pool with. Well, that's a weird way of putting it, Ma. I'd like to just maybe fall in love and have some kids and start a family. I don't want to think of it. What's wrong? The way you said, Mom, it makes it sound kind of transactional.

Like I'm some sort of brood mother. Um, yes. Yeah, that was the vibe. That was the vibe I was caught getting, Ma. Um, I'd rather hate P more for like a love situation. And, you know, I think you're right, Ma. I think it's time for the Muttners to retire from the monster hunting game. There is, um, there is just this one thing that I do gotta do first.

Uh, I promise Rusty that I would kick Dracula's ass and take his teeth. Um, so I do need to just do that real quick. And then the Muttners can retire from monster hunting. She drops the fake eggs. Oh, man. I was going to eat those. They disintegrate. Oh, man.

She says, Muttners, the Dracula has devoured or sired or just straight- 27. 27, that's exactly right. And she points in the wall. I know. The tally's on the wall, ma'am. I know, yes.

There's a, it just says, hashtag of Muttner's Dracula killed. Katie, it says, Dracula-Kate ratio, zero to 27. 13 days since last Dracula-related. Yeah. She says, if you go out there and you beef it like your great-grandpa and your grandpa and your grandpa and your uncle and your niece and your sisters and your brothers and your dad and your stepdad and your second stepdad.

Yeah. It was nice to the stepdad's to take our last name when they made you. I thought that was real chill of them. It's a progressive time. Times are changing, Crawford. Listen, you may not go after Dracula. I forbid it. Mama, I'm 32 years old.

I think I'm just going to do it. I have spoken on this matter, and I will not be disobeyed. Okay, well, I'm still going to go, though, Ma. I'll send you letters, and I'll come back, and I'll... Grow the gene pool. Make a persuasion check. Yuckiness rolls. Man.

16. Yeah. Okay. Good fucking rolls. She turns. She's very upset. She says, I suppose there's no talking you out of this,

but Ruffer promised me if you get in over your head that you're not going to try to be a hero. You're the last of the moment. muttoner boys and I need you here Crawford. Hey Ma, you and I both know this ain't about being a hero, right? Like, I'm not doing the, this is a promise or then we get out, muttoners are done. I don't, I mean, I do kind of want to kill Dragon, but I'm not, it's not, I don't want to, you know what I mean?

No, you ain't a, you ain't a killer, Crawford. Just promise me you are going to keep, keep. the situation under control. And then we jump back to you trying to take control of this. Situation. Give me an animal handling check. Oh, I'm good at that. Let's say.

A 19. Yeah. Damn, you are good at that. Okay. I have a plus five. You rear back on the reins. Yes. You rear back on the reins and immediately the horses calm down.

And they stick back to. following the path. That is good because there was a pretty big hairpin turn coming up, going down the mountain towards Lumino, but you are able to navigate that quite well. Oh, everyone out there. Thank you for coming to our service. Yes. We are ready to heal you. We are Ross and Kerry. We are faith healers. Yes, you there. Yes, sir. You have a spirit of Not listening to enough podcasts. We have the solution for that. Oh, we can cure you.

You should listen to Oh, No, Ross, and Carrie. Hallelujah. It's on maximum fun. I couldn't have said it better myself. Yes, ma'am. Yes, you there. Gladys. A spirit of boredom?

Oh, my goodness. We have the solution for you. It is to listen to the podcast. Oh, no, Ross, and Carrie. The human mind can be tricky. Your mental health can be complex. your emotional life can be complicated. So it helps to talk about it.

I'm John Moe. Join me each week on my show, Depresh Mode with John Moe. It's in-depth conversations about mental health with writers, musicians, comedians, doctors and experts, folks like Noah Khan, Sashir Zameda, and Surgeon General Vivek Marti. We talk about depression, anxiety, trauma, imposter syndrome, and perfectionism.

We have the kind of conversations that a lot of folks are hesitant to have themselves. Listen, and you won't feel as a alone and you'll have some laughs too. Depress mode for Maximum Fun.org at maximum fun.org or wherever you get your podcasts. Let's jump back into the cabin as we move on to Brother Philo. Dad, tell us about your character. Brother Philo is a friar.

Like Friar tuck. It didn't mean like he was a plucked chicken or anything. Right. Or an appliance. No, no, he's not. He is an artificer specializing in alchemy. He has some magic, but it's mostly things. It usually comes from some kind of artifact that he has or some kind of relic that he has, and that's kind of the driving force for his powers.

We have not played an artificer on this show before. It is just for folks, I'm a spellcasting. class that uses different physical things as spells. And you have chosen the sort of alchemist sub-sub class here. Griffin, didn't you play an artificer and imbalance? I did, yeah. That was a while ago. Never mind.

Besides that one time when I played it, we've never played this before. Anyway, so he's kind of short, kind of stocky. He has a tonsurer just, you know, because I've always loved those. Hey, they're not as fun. Ever since Justin. Yeah. Justin had one. Justin made the commitment in Romeo and Juliet.

Toncher is when they shave the very sort of the crown of your head, but leave other hair on it. You get that permanent of hair. It's wild to see that part of my brother's flesh. Never thought that I would see it. I put it back away. Back in the vault. Well, I just brought it back. Okay.

You are inside this cabin. It's started to get very dicey, very quickly. But the guide that you have hired on this journey, Crawford, Muttner, climbs up into the driver's seat and takes control the situation. You are inside the carriage. It is shaky in here, and you don't even have to poke your head out through the open door that Mutt just climbed through. You can see one of the... the figures, horseback riding figures now, sort of flanking the car.

What do you do? Can I make an investigation check to kind of check out the riders and see if they're all using bows or? You can just see that. You can see that they have, the ones flank in the car have a crossbow. The one that appeared to be in charge does not seem to be having some sort of fire in their hands. I would say instead of a, you know, these are robed figures. If you wanted to make a, you know, religion check or history check to see if there's anything about their sort of like vibe that smacks of familiar to you,

a man of the cloth. Okay, I'll make a religion check. That would have been a wild response to your DM being like, you could make this check and you respond like, no. No, I don't want to. I considered not doing that. Okay. 19.

Jesus Christ, these roles are very good. Okay, 19. You do not recognize their order at sort of first glance. As you were dispatched out here, you were sort of like given a heads up of current sort of trending dangers in Ongrave. and in sort of getting that briefing heard about a sort of fanatical order called the Cult of the Buried Blood. And based on the sort of description you received in this sort of primer, this appears to be the gang doing this. You know that they possess magic, that they have been responsible for some pretty gnarly ritual slayings in the area lately.

but not much else is doing about them. They're sort of a new quantity out of here. Brother Flylo don't like no competition. So he's going to... That's an interesting thing for a man of the cloth to have a core belief. Sorry. Got his territory. He's very much a...

Yep, he's very much a man of his strong beliefs. I like how quickly we establish. This character is this career, but it's a bad one. He's a bad. at it. And he doesn't understand the court tenants. No, he's really good at it. He's really good at it. He doesn't want other monks. It's just like Jesus always says, watch your fucking

turf. Watch your fucking turf. Keep him off. Everybody else. He's going to blast the writer that he sees with a ray of sickness. Okay. That is the... That way he'll get sick. but he won't die.

Right. I got you. That's beautiful, Dad. And then maybe he can heal him and make friends. Oh, that's beautiful. That's not at all how it works, but it's a sweet thought. I have heard lately some people have gotten so sick that they've died of it, but I do not. Yeah.

There's rumors floating around. It's rumors you can't get sick enough to die. I read about that. Ray, what have you done to your character? What is this character? It's mad. It's so wild. And we're only defensive.

Okay, so make your range spell attack role for this ray of sickness. Yeah, he has a vial around his neck that he wears. He wraps his hand around it and 15. Okay, you have this vial of goo? It's an herbal extract. of his own creation. Oh, it's homeopathy. Okay.

He holds it up, points it at him. It's around his neck. Okay. And... Oh, you're like invoking a talisman kind of deal. So does this roll that I made include the plus four? It does, it does. Yes.

That is... 15. Describe what it looks like as you begin to channel this ray of sickness. Take a hold of the vial around his neck. and lifts it up and kind of points it in the direction of the writer, closes his eyes, and says a little prayer, waits for illness. Please make this man sick. Please get this man so sick.

This is how Brother Philo smokes. Okay. Brother Philo, you close your eyes. You begin to recite this ritual prayer to bless. this man with a gnarly wave of cold and flow season. As you do so, you also flash back. You've just finished the sort of opening prayer of the ceremony that you are currently sort of the star of here at the cathedral. What is the order that Brother Fyla, are we talking full? I mean, is this Episcopalian? Are we going more of a fantasy flavor this time?

Um, oh, this is, um, this is, um, I think more of a fantasy flavor. Cool. Um, like Lutheran. Lutheran. I don't know enough about it. That was just the first, that was my pull. No, I think Methodist. I'm going to go Methodist.

That's good. Okay. Get specific. And, um, it's, uh, they, they all live and work here in the Abbey. Okay. And it just happens to be downtown. So I think you can figure out the name of the Abbey. That's now, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Downtown Abbey is very, very good. You're welcome. Downtown where? Downtown in. Well, we call it downtown just because we are all pretty aggressive. It's not really in a downtown area. It's just that we go downtown. That's the way we roll at downtown abbey.

Right. That's fantastic. Yeah. This is a punk, cool guy, if you will. All right. You're here in downtown abbey, which is not in a city, but it's where you take haters and non-believers, I guess, by making them super sick with your necklaces.

That's one of our many approaches. Here in this abbey, you are in the Cathedral of Enumeration, where you are being audited by the keeper of ledgers. It's a stuffy old man stands atop a dais, looking down on you, wearing a very gaudy regalia and holding an enormous leather-bound book. And he says, Brother Philo, today. their order has considered your application to be ascended up the ranks of the church to the role of Mixmaster. I'm trying not to get too excited. Yes, that would be a sin. And you actually see him pick up this leather-bound book and actually mark something in it and say,

I would encourage you to be a tad more careful during this hearing. Yes, brother. We will... It's father. That's another one. Today we will consider your transgressions and your kind acts to determine whether or not you have earned enough points to send him to Mix Master. Before we begin, do you have anything to say for yourself?

Do you have any tickets to cash in? That's a great question. Thank you. Brother Dignis, do you have any tickets to cash in? Only the, the tickets of love and forbearance?

Just say no. No, I don't have any. Why is he in my flashback? I wasn't in his flashback. Oh, no, I'm another monk or whatever. All right, so... I'm the bad boy. No indulgence tickets.

That's weird, but we can, I suppose, start here. Let's see. All right. We've got 20 points here for your volunteer work at the soup kitchen. Yes. And another 20 points for volunteering at the salad kitchen. That's strange that there's... Look at the hors d'oeuvre kitchen.

Look at the hors d'oeuvre of kitchen. Yes, a third discreet kitchen for hors d'oeuvres. Why do we have different kitchens for each thing? I have a rather splendid garden, and the garden provides so much. And these days you have to trick people into eating vegetables. So, you know, we make vegetable soup. We make salads, and the hors d'oeuvres are... Salad, the perfect way to trick someone to eating vegetables.

Yeah, right? Real wolf and sheep's clothing. Watercress sandwiches. So those are the horser. Excellent work. And it says here that you volunteer as choir director for the man's choir. What is the man's choir? We have, we only do songs by Amy Mann.

And that is, that's where it comes from. Sometimes we do Mannheim Steamroller songs and Manfred Man's Earth Band as well. Oh, not that one. He marks something in the book when you mentioned Manfred Man's Earth Pan. Uh, wait a minute. Well, all right. A tad secular, brother Philo.

Fortunately, you do not have too many demerits, tardiness, three counts. Cursing. One count. You've cussed one time. That's kind of wild. What the hell of said that I cussed? Oh, uh-oh.

Uh-oh. Shit. Oh, oops. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I suppose I have one last question for you. Yes. I render my ruling.

46 counts of overindulgence. What is shrimp fest? Oh, it is a boil, father. Like we, all right,

we put everything in a big pot, mostly vegetables. And we add one or two shrimp. Have you ever heard of stone soup? They make the soup with just stones, so we only have like two shrimp in the shrimp fest. Is this the truth, or are you trying to cover your shrimp fest tracks? I'm trying to cover.

Make a deception check for me. 16. Man. He nods and says, well, that sounds not too bad. Of course, the consumption of we don't have any sort of. restrictions on what you can and can't eat, but a festival of shrimp certainly sounds concerning. I am sorry, brother Philo,

but you are in the red. You will not be ascended to the rank of Mixmaster this year. You may, of course, apply for reconsideration in the spring semester. Mark, you made it. Congratulations. You are now Mixmaster, Mark. Fuck yeah. see Mark, who is now trying to bump his arms. And someone comes and puts a giant gold necklace around Mark and leads,

Mix Master Mark, and leads him off. That is all, we are adjourned. And he bangs a gavel down for some reason. And you are left alone. You aren't alone for long, though, as deacon Atreus. Sort of a friend, albeit one in a slightly higher position with the church. that you're familiar comes over and says,

I'm terribly sorry, Brother Thailio, that is a bad beat, my friend. Well, I didn't really want to be the mix master of truth be told. Um,

I have enough appliances in my life, a friar, I didn't need a mix master. So I'm, I'm putting a brave face on, my friend. Your face quite well, brother Fylo Fy.

I have. have an idea if you wouldn't mind following me. Certainly, and he does. He begins to walk out of the cathedral of enumeration, and down some twists and turns of the parish here that you have never been to before. These are restricted areas. There are some guards stationed at a few doors that you pass through

as you reach a lower level of the church that the sunlight does not reach and as you pass through these darkened tunnels Deacon Atreus says There is an opportunity for you, my friend, to earn your way back into the church's good graces And I believe that this opportunity is God sent Just for you, brother from.

I'm listening. As you know, The crown is not a particularly large fan of the church, and so we have been on somewhat thin ice for some time now. We cannot afford any type of bad press or anything happening, and yet we have found ourselves in quite a pickle, brother. As you see, and he opens a dungeon door, and you see laid out on a slab in front of you. an old man. He is illuminated by torches in this windowless room, and as you take a step in, you recognize him instantly.

It's the Turbo Cardinal. It is the leader of your entire religious order, and he is laid out on a slap. When did this happen? When did he go? When did he pass? Ah, you seem to misunderstand this situation. You're a man of the sciences, yes?

Yes. You don't notice anything strange about him. Oh, he's breathing. Oh. So, not dead. May I inspect him? May I look at him closer? Are you looking for me for a diagnosis?

He nods. If you would like to do this, make a medicine check for me. 19. How do you have a minus one in medicine? That was a Nat 20 actually. And it turned into a 19 because of your minus one in medicine. So we'll just consider that a crit. With a 20 minus one, you start to get close to this body,

and then you realize that that is a terrible idea because you can see two fangs sort of burgeoning out of the crease between the Turbo Cardinal's lips. You can also see that he's hovering about an inch off of this slab that he's lying on. And you know that he has been vampirized.

With a nap 20, I will also tell you that strangely, despite these other symptoms, you don't see a bite marker on his neck. And you also see that he is moving and shifting and waiting for you to get closer for this inspection so he can try to get him a little phylo's neck.

I'm going to make an arcana check. Okay. I want to do an arcana check to determine if he is indeed been fully vampirized. He's faking partially. Okay. No, yeah, that's great. He's trying to get out of school. When a vampire attacks somebody, if they don't drain their blood, they don't become completely vampirized right away.

Right. Okay. make an arcana check. Holy fucking shit, guys. Dang. Just going down the list here, 17, 18, 16, 19, 19, 19, 22, 15, 16, 19, 21, 15, 16, 19, 24. We're doing these online. We're bringing them on flashbacks, though.

That's true, that is a fair point. Can't go that bad anyway. Okay, he looks vampiric. He has certainly a lot of the visible symptoms of vampirism. And yet, there is something different about the vibe. of him in that the energy he is giving off is like palpable to you. A dealer in the mystic arts, you feel this this overpowering demonic energy coming out of him, the flavor of which you don't quite understand, but you know is the reason why he is the way that he is. I would say your

order is familiar with vampires enough to have seen quite a few of them. This is something else entirely. And sort of seeing you register this, Deacon Atreus says, we are stumped. Something has happened to the Turbo Cardinal that has ridded him in his sorry state. If the king finds out that the Turbo Cardinal is a vampire, we are done. I am asking you, Brother Philo, the Lord is asking you, Brother Philo, to venture into Encrave and find a cure for our leader. Do we know who did this? Dracula?

I know, but you know, you've got son of Dracula, daughter of Dracula, Dracula versus Jesse James. There are many, you know, he's had other victims. He's actually turned. I don't think he's completely turned. I don't think the turbo cardinal has been completely turned. Make a dexterity saving throw. 11.

There's your bad role. As you say that, this old, ass man sits up suddenly from his slab and just goes, bleh, and tries to bite you. Deacon Etraeus pulls you back at the last second, and the guards come in and restrain the Turbo Cardinal. He says, be that as it may. Something is seriously wrong with him, and you must find the cure if it exists.

It is in an engrave, and barring finding that cure, you must slay the one who sired him. Are you up for this task, brother Phila? I believe I am. Yes, I have some expertise in vampirism, and I know a bit about Dracula. I would be happy to take on this game, but I want to be ascended for sure,

and I'd like that on paper. Yes, of course. I will call in the bishop of... notarizing immediately. But first, can we pray? Can we pray? Can we pray on it? Yes.

Let us pray. And you close your eyes and flash forward. What the fuck? You're seeing the future when you're in this carriage that's on fire with your friends. No, we're just there. And now you are casting a ray of sickness as you finish your ritual prayer. Make an attack roll. A spell attack roll, please.

Okay. Ray of sickness. 19. Yeah. Wow. These rolls are very good. A 19 definitely hits. With ray of sickness, you are going to roll a 2D8 poison damage.

All right. I can do this. Four and a two, that's six. Okay. You, what's this look like? You got that first click. What does it look like as you blast this ray of sickness? Is it an actual ray or is it visible?

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay. It's kind of a, it's kind of a, a goopy, like, snot green. Cool, like Bougar, man. Like Bougar, cool. Yeah. Hell yeah, man. And it comes, comes slurping out and strikes the guy right in the mouth. Right in the throat.

Jesus Christ. He's in his mouth? What is the, yeah. What is the sickness? Like, what's the specific, is it pink eye? Is it like what sick? Shingles. Okay.

Shingles. Wow. All right. You blast him like Boogerman. Now what if they've already had shingles? Yeah. He's been already developed antibodies to. He's already had shingles, but he, so he knows how bad.

Yeah. Oh my God. Are you saying super shingles? Okay. I'm talking super duper shingles. Whoa. But that's the only myth. That was impossible.

You blasts this guy with a ray of sickness. as you do the red vapor that his robe was creating vanishes. You can see his face underneath as the shingles happens to it. I'm not 100% sure what shingles is. And you see him look at himself and say, Oh, not shingles again. And then he falls off of his horse and is trampled underfoot. Super duper shingles, my friend.

It's just a dull chicken box. That's all griff. It's just cool, chicken pox. That sounds bad. Thanks for Googling that. I was not going to. Oh, no. I know what shingles are. I can get him. I had chicken pox. I'm terrified over here. Back in my day, we all got chicken pox. These punk kids are vaccinated. Let's move on to Lady Godwin. Justin, introduce us to your character, please. My name is Lady Elizabeth Godwin. I purchased Dr. Frankenstein's reanimation insurance.

So my body was supposed to be reanimated of all the account of my untimely passing. When I awoke, I found my 73-year-old head attached to the sinewy, decadent, curvaceous body of some sort of female warrior. So that's because I was killed by Dracula and my body was too destroyed to reanimate. which I'm thoroughly displeased of. So I have purchased an axe with this dreadful little man at the store. He said I had to name the axe a weapon like this. Her name is Jennifer Myers. Decent name, respectable.

And I'm going to use it to kill Dracula. Excellent. You are the last to react as, uh, Your carriage comes under attack. You have just watched Mutt, the guide that you have hired, climb up and take control of the wagon again. And then you have seen Brother Fylo, the friar, open up the side door of the compartment and make a man get shingles so bad that he instantly dies.

I'd also like to say that was not really Fylo's fault. He just thought he was making somebody sick. Don't take it back. Don't take it back now. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Let's, what do you do, Lady Godwin? You have another, another,

hold on, let me kill this guy. Hold on, let me kill this guy. He's gone. No, I see him, he's hiding in the bushes. He's not dead. He's waiting on a sneak attack. There, now he's gone. Okay, now he's really dead.

Now I believe it. That's good. You still have two riders chasing your vehicle that you can't quite see where you are at as you are. She, is there an exit on the back of the car? There is a narrow sort of window that you can see through. It's not quite big enough for a person to get through. Lady Godwin smashes through that window,

using a bonus action to trigger her rage. And then she stands up and says, eyes off of my beautiful body, pervert. And then leaps off the back with her axe to do a leaping attack with Jennifer Myers at that guy. As you are in mid-air, you remember the last time you felt this excited. Seven years ago,

the city of Lumino was a very different place. It was less about the art scene. It was all elegance and excess. and you, Lady Godwin, were a fucking powerhouse in the scene. What is sort of Lady Godwin's lineage? What is her place on sort of the social hierarchy of Lumino of seven years ago? She is the seventh of her line with the Godwin name, the fifth, to not have to seek employment,

which is a point of great pride for us, us Godwins. We are mainly in a booster role, raising funds for local charity groups through our various tea gatherings and sandwich parties. Okay. And one such group is that you have raised money for. Pierre Reynolds. One more time? Pierre Reynolds. Pierre Reynolds?

Is that a group or a person, a single person that you raise money for? I'm trying to get the whole name out if you guys had just let me say it. Sure, sure, yeah. If you guys had just let me say it. Yeah, sorry. Thank you. Yeah. Don't say it.

It's the Pear Reynolds Foundation for shingles awareness. Many people don't even know that you can get super-duper shingles. They think it's a myth. So it is seven years ago you are at a fundraiser that you have organized for the Pierre Reynolds Foundation for Shingles Awareness. Yes. Okay. You are sitting in this crowd. It is, this is a decadent affair.

It's a fucking Lady Godwin, like, original going off without a hitch. You got a band playing. You got the absent fountain just flowing. And there's a secret orgy happening somewhere probably. No, there's none of that. There's none of that. There's none of the alcohol or the sex happening. It's all very tasteful.

Okay. Describe your party. Yes. There are exactly four times as many finger sandwiches as there are for as many people coming. Each person gets four. If he eat more than that, we'll talk about you forever. There is a big bowl of punch. There are no cups.

Don't have the punch. That's decadence. That's a trap. That's what you got there. And then over there, we've got. Got dessert. Yes, it's toast. Whoa. Yeah.

So there's pretty puritanical because too much indulgence would be kind of unbecoming, I think. I feel you. I feel you. Okay, so you are seated sort of just entertaining anyone. Your dance card is quite full this evening, not of literal dancing, which would be crass. People want to come and pay their respects. Just touch the hymn of your garment. For sure.

You are sort of presiding over the, uh, the, uh, event here. And you see the man himself, Pierre Reynolds, take the stage and sort of clean his glass and say, everybody, thank you. Quiet, quiet, quiet, please. Hi, I am Pierre. Everyone, we listen to Pierre. Something sounds dreadfully wrong with his voice.

We must understand what's happened to poor Pierre. His beautiful French accent. Where is it gone? I apologize. for that is what I sound like when I yell. And now that I am not yelling, I can say thank you to my, thank you to. It's the shingles. It's made it to his tongue.

I have suffered from inner shingles. I would like to thank my friend, Lady Godwin, for throwing this incredible gala. A speech I shouldn't. Oh, Pierre, I... No, I shan't. Oh, I was about to tell people... I insist no speeches, Pierre.

Shingles, but I suppose that can wait until my... I was going to spread a little bit of shingles awareness. Yes. Ah, suit the law. Singles. I was going to do the whole thing. We shingles. But no, please, Lady Godwin.

It is your party. Godwin. Godwin. I feel unprepared for this, of course. No one ever expects to be summoned. Like, to deliver remarks such as this. Thank you, Pair. We very much appreciate it.

He sits down, looking very sort of chided. I never thought this would be a monologue. Often, we see our lives in terms of how we think they're going to shake out. We think perhaps I'll just throw in a witty little barb. But then they unravel like so many snowballs down the hill. before we were in. And then you find yourself delivering a monologue where you thought it would be much more of a dialogue.

That happens frequently when we don't listen. Think about it, everyone. How many monologues in your life would be well served to be dialogues? Something to think about. Everyone just kind of looks around like, I thought she was going to say something about Pierre or Schingles. I, and I do have it another.

Since Pierre has been so kindness to work for me to hear his days. Shingles, we've done it! Everyone, I got the news today! That's Stating! Yay! So I'm proudly changing the name of this organization with Pierre's consent, of course, of Schengel granted. The Pierre...

Pierre... Pierre, would you like to say your last name? Your own last name, Pierre? Would you like to say your own last name? Do you know... Do you... Do you know what sucks? It is...

Franklin, but you, but that is not what they call the organization. Wait a minute, I'm sorry to suspect that Pierre might secretly be Dracula. We're so close to Pierre, we've decided to name it Big Peas Society for super duper shingles awareness. We're going to get to learn about these because a lot of people think it doesn't even exist. And everyone knows about shingles and else, this would be much easier. You know, I was going to say it's like shingles that everybody knows about, scientifically speaking. And it's stupid-du- Thank you, Big P. Big P gives a thumbs up.

Everyone is cheering. And you celebrate the rest of this fundraiser. You bring in so much awareness for shingles. You start filling up like a big thermometer of a warmeter of a warm. awareness. Every person that you tell is another red line on the awareness. They're not and as the party fouls out, it's just you and Pierre at the end. And he says, well, I suppose that is it. We have fulfilled our last dance, if you will. So I suppose now we shall go our separate ways.

I have to be honest with you. There's nothing happening. I'm so sorry here, but this is nothing between you and I. Oh. I thought maybe. Oh, you're not the first so, too. Crossed signals. Don't trouble yourself of it.

I understand. Farewell. He turns and runs across the street. to his wagon, leaving you standing here on the street of Lumineau alone. It is dark always, but particularly so right now. And you have a moment where you feel a bit disquieted by the silence. and then you see two bright, bright spotlights in the street in front of you, flash on. An unfamiliar, loud, mechanical sound fills the street.

And then the last thing you hear is a voice that says, Punch then ass, Wolfman! Let's see what is baby. can do. And then the mechanical sound gets very loud, very fast, and then a hospital. Hear the sounds of locusts outside, and you can see the glow of sunrise. You know that some time has passed. And you smell the overpowering scent of, you are in a hospital bed connected to all manner of large, noisy machines with purposes you cannot immediately discern.

a man wearing a surgical mask, sort of checking on you. Very kind eyes. And when he sees your eyes open up, he kind of takes a step back. Immediately starts sort of like punching buttons on some of the machines. You, you. Come closer. Come close. This is not my first rodeo, I have to tell.

I don't understand. Okay. Listen, it's been a big, a big time has passed since your passing. They try to take some deep breaths. We do a little sort of meditative. We do a med... I've got the hooch. Sort of looks uncomfortable.

Like, okay. Dangerous, co. Do you want some time alone before... These arms so beautifully. I'm going to come back in like 15 minutes, and you just sort of, you just have this kind of like sexual awakening that you... Where's my own body? It was perfectly decent. You could draw it with five lines. It was like a signature. It was perfect.

No, no strange curves to be ashamed of in front of God. Um, uh, Mrs. Galvin, I'm, uh, let me just... I'm pulling my, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, you had to see this display of action. The fault is not yours. I'm sorry, I didn't get you on it. It's Igor and I'm checked. Just here, kind of, okay, are you feeling okay now?

Can you take some kind of rough news? No, I'm furious. Where's your employer? Oh, Frank's, well, we haven't seen Frank. around here in a while. I've all been pertinent. You call Dr. Frankenstein, Frank. Yeah, we're buds.

Let me look at your chart. You'll do no such thing. What? You'll do no such thing? I'll review the chart. Okay. Are you a doctor? Are you a doctor?

I can't be heads of days of this. Igor, explain this to me at once. Okay. Yeah. So, you, you. You're kind of, you're kind of the last one. You're the last, you're sort of the last claim, as it were, for the life insurance policy that we have been handling.

We've sort of pivoted away. The reanimation insurance. Yeah, we kind of started to call it something else because there were some issues with the government that didn't like, we were doing it. with some zombie craft, they called it, and so we call it life insurance now. But we don't actually call it anything.

You're the last one. You're the last policy to sort of cash in. Where is this? And where? Where is my body? Oh, well, let me look at the chart. Okay, it says here that Dracula hit it with his car so hard that it exploded. My body, my inoffensive, decent tasteful body.

That was any embarrassment to me in fro the eyes of Christ. Yeah. Yeah, that body got hit by a car that was being driven by Dracula. Some eyewitnesses report that Wolfman was also in the vehicle. What do you say? I've said a few things. Did you not like the Dracula? Yeah.

He's some... Dracool? After everything. Dracula smushed me. Yeah, with his cart. And this was, I mean, this was a while ago. This was seven years ago. And the body?

Exploded. I don't know how many other ways. Whose body am I attached to, Igor? Oh, let me look at the chart. He looks down. He says, okay. It says here, Brynhilder. And then it says, Liberator of Spines.

Oh, cool. a battle maiden and a renowned prize fighter in the Burley Corps League. The what? Burly Corps League. Burly Corps League, it's for big strong fighters, and she won seven consecutive title matches before she lost the eight in which she surrendered her title and her head, but she was an organ donor. Something to say for the brute?

I would say that if you're not. you were displeased with the body that you have been matched with, that we have a customer service department that was also dissolved when Frankenstein sort of gave up on the whole reanimation business and sort of shacking up with Dracula. So we are sorry. Hold on. Let me read the script. So you don't like your bod.

Well, that can be a challenge. Shit, that's all it says. Well, I'm, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, guess I'm done. You were my last gig here. She starts standing up. Oh, you're tall. Wow, you're tall. Holy crap. Wow. Eagle.

Yep. I require clothes and an act. I'm going to kill Dracula. Why? Because he hit you with... Oh, okay. It's just there's lots of people who are trying to kill Dracula and that's a, you know, there was an accident. Lots of people, Eagle, trying to make everyone

aware of shingles. Do you know who achieved it? Radio Elizabeth Gordon. Okay. Have you heard of shingles he gone? I've heard of, I have heard of it. Yeah, of course, everyone's heard of it.

Everyone's heard of shingles. Yes, I know. You might want to maybe chill. Seven years on the word still exists, everyone knows about shingles. Okay, look, you may want to, like, chill for like a month or so and try to get your sea legs under you before you go out there.

She shoves them into the wall. Okay. I want to roll a strength check to see how hard I did it. Okay, sure. Because I don't know my own strength. Absolutely, you don't. In fact, I'm going to say roll it with advantage. Great.

What's just a strength check? Is that if I'm unarmed? Okay. Yes. On a 14, I mean, you do shove in with considerable force. He runs into one of those like Ivy bag racks and goes tumbling to the floor. And you are shocked by how far you were able to kind of toss this man with not very much effort.

He says, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Do you even know where you're going? The Axe Store. Okay, let's flash back forward to you sailing through the air. I'm going to need two checks here. One, give me a either athletics or acrobatics check for the jump through the air

and then a melee attack roll with Jennifer Myers. Not great. That is a five on the athletics check. Yikes. And a... What was the other role you wanted? Well, let's resolve this first.

Okay. You leap, but you know what it is, Justin. What's that? Brynhilder's body, as you try to give it this command jump, as it sees the fire on the back of this wagon, it stumbles and you trip. You are able to make one more saving throw here. Make a dexterity saving throw. You fall. You're trying to grab something before you smash into the ground and get pulled into his foot.

Okay. 16, you are able to grab onto the back of the wagon. There is a little towing hitch. You are able to hold on to that. I would say you're still close enough to this horse that is pursuing you for you to try and take an attack against the rider so big as Jennifer Myers. But I'm going to give you disadvantage on the roll as you're being sort of hauled behind, if that is still what you wish to do.

Yes, that's what I wish to do. Okay, make an attack roll. 11. And 11 hits. This is just a dude we're in a row, not the highest A-C in the world. Okay. So even with this advantage,

you manage to connect with this guy. So, give me a damage roll, please. I'm so confused by the number that just happened here. There's four-slashing damage and then two rage. Two from the rage.

Okay. Yeah. All right, this guy back here is a little bit sturdier than the one who got blasted with shingles and died from it instantly. He takes the hit and then you see him rear back on his horse and start to ready and attack. And it is, in fact, his turn next. The cultist is going to launch a firebolt at a firebolt at a firebolt at. Uh, you, I think.

So, does a 14 hit your AC, uh, lady Godwin? Um, yes. Okay. Uh, you take three points of fire damage. Okay. Uh, the rider is going to move up to try to, uh, get next to, uh, the new rider, or the new driver of the new driver of the vehicle, uh, who is mine. Uh, the other call. Altist is going to point his crossbow at you, Brother Philo, and take a shot.

That is a 10 versus AC? Does not hit. AC 11. Okay. It shoots right through one window and right out of the other, narrow and missing both you. No, just you. You're the only one still left in the compartment. And then we move back up to the top.

Mutt. Mutt is going to take game with his vicious, heavy, crossbow. Okay. To try to shoot the one that pulled up next to him. Uh, the, uh, the leader looking one or the sort of. Whichever one just pulled up that like hurled a fireball. Oh, that is the leader.

The leader seems to be the one wielding magic here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, then that is, uh, it looks like if I'm not mistaken, that green number does mean that this is a critical aid. That is correct. Um, and with the vicious heavy crossbow, that is an extra 2D6 piercing damage. Good Lord.

On top of the thing is, Griffin, is this writer undead or a lichen throat? Wait, the vicious heavy crossbow does what now? On a Nat 20, it does an extra 2D6. Why do you have this? Because it's handed down from generation and generation of Muntner. Oh, yeah, mine is two. Is it handed down from fucking generation to generation of...

You had... You had plenty of time to go over my character sheet. I gave it to you weeks ago, sir. To see that you were smuggling magic weapons fucking in it? I gave this character sheet to you weeks ago. I got approval of it yesterday. I didn't know that I needed a fucking go over it with a fine-tooth comb. I declared this on my form, sir.

Okay, fine. This happens, and as this incredible bolt comes out and... I mean, you can roll the damage if you want. It's going to fuck this dude right. Is the writer undead or a lichen throat? No. Okay. I mean, you're going to fucking destroy him either way.

So I think it may be hard to tell sort of what his whole vibe is. This amount of damage would shatter any being. So it's 19 total. Okay, yeah. On a 19 total, you shoot the arrow and it goes into his head, and his head just keeps, you somehow decapitate him with that arrow. and his lifeless body goes falling off and then the wagon hits a pothole and bounces weird

and then the crossbow breaks. Nope. On the ground. And you'll have to get a new crossbow that is not an overpowered magical weapon in the very first episode of our DNA. It was right there the whole time. Travis. The fight's over.

The fun's over. You had your fun. This is the family heirloom. It shatters against the side of the wagon as you hit a pothole weird. In accordance with profit. see. And we move on to Brother Philo. You have one more cultist remaining here. This one is so fucking dead. It's not even funny. I'm also going to say, I should have done this between turns that now the fire is spreading. There are now two fires on the back of the wagon, as illustrated by the two fire JPEGs that I have placed there. Brother Philo is going to lean out the other carriage window in the direction of the person that's still on the horseback.

Okay. And say, my friend, I hope you were paying attention a few minutes ago to see what has happened to your compatriots. we wish you no harm now that we know you're not some kind of ghoulish undead spirit but just a normal misguided cultist why don't you reign in your rather beautiful horse there

and let us pass in peace make a persuasion check a six boy the worm has definitely turned really fucking has. He, this figure, you see, look at you. And you all are now racing so fast that the vapor is not quite sort of like completely

concealing his face anymore. And you see a pair of pupilless red eyes looking back at you. as you make this impassionately. Make a wisdom saving through. 11. You see some of that red vapor float away from this figure and towards you. And just as it starts to surround your senses,

oh, no, you know what? you feel it sort of surrounding your senses. And you can only just kind of see the inside of this cabin still and the very scared bloodhound dog underneath the seat in front of you. Next in the order is Lady Godwin. Let's see here. Is the one rider there within reach still? Uh, yes, I would say so.

Okay. I would say you are dangling, you are hanging on to the back of a carriage, so it will be with a disadvantage unless you can somehow sort of get, get, you know, use your move to try and get back up into a more stable position. Yeah, I'm just going to, I think she's just going to, uh, hook herself of that rider over there. Okay. Just do another leaping attack on that rider. Okay. Uh, are you just throwing yourself off of the towing hitch? where you are sort of dangling backwards

because this will be, I would say, a pretty tremendous feat of athletics. Yeah, and I'm not that athletic. Hmm. Can I do, is the fire like within reach? Is that anything that I can? Yeah, I mean, you can climb up to where the fire is pretty easily. Yeah, I just don't feel like putting that out as my strong suit.

I'm going to climb up to where you said I could climb up just a second ago and then jump onto the guy from there. Okay, make, we'll just call this one super, smooth movement, make an athletics check here. You want at least a 10, a 15 would make it quite clean. Oh, no. How'd it go? Oh, that's bad.

That's a five. Okay. With a five, you're going to, you're going to, I'll give you an option. I will let you grab onto the horse's tail. It's going to kick you before anything else happens. Yeah, I'll grab the horse's tail. If you give me that option. Sure, you're grabbing onto the horse's tail.

Sail up, baby. It is going to make a melee attack against you. Let's see. Okay. Yeah, that's going to hit. You feel, you know what it is, actually? The horse whips around as it feels you grab onto its tail, and it's going to bite you, bites your hand,

and try to knock you off. You take three points. of biting damage, and I need you to make a Constitution saving threat for me. Okay. An eight. You are going to take an extra one point of poison damage. Dang. As this horse's crazy mouth disease, whatever it may be, gives you a little bit of extra.

It's not Draculaitis. Does it seem to be Draculaitis or shingles? Give me a medicine. Give me a medicine check. Give me a medicine check. Okay. Sure. That's the perfect for me.

Five, it could be Draculaitis or shingles. Oh no, but not both, right? But not both, right? Because that would be super duper shingling. Not shingualizing Draculaitis. No. They said that was a myth, too.

Damn you, science. Well, that was your move. You still have an action that you can take here. I'm on the horse's tail? Yep, being dragged along by this big, powerful horse. Great. I'm going to reach up with. Jennifer Myers and just try to hook the horse's legs.

Uh, okay, horrible. Go ahead and make that attack roll for me. But the horse did bite you and poison you. Yeah, I know, and I deducted the hit points. You want me to throw a parade? Come on. You have so many beautiful hit points. Uh, make that attack roll, please. Yeah, yeah, it's coming. Yeah, wow, Jesus. Yeah. Yeah. That's a 19 versus horse legs. That's, you know what? That's, that one's gonna hit.

Okay, for eight points of slashing damage. Here is what happens. The horse trips up, and you can see that you have wounded its back leg pretty significantly here, and in doing so, it's sort of crashed to the ground, crushing the rider that was on top of it. You slide to a halt here in the middle of the road. The rider is dead. The horse is lying down in front of you. You are being left behind by the wagon now because they are still going on rocking in front of you.

You have enough control over this wagon, by the way, Crawford to sort of mutt to sort of figure out what happens next at this point. It is on fire, which is not great. But we are out of sort of initiative order. Okay. I stop the horses. Okay. I'm not going to make you do another check on that. You crushed the last one.

No problem. You immediately your dog jumps out of cover, sensing that being inside of a flaming wagon is not actually the safest place to be. And what do you do, Brother Philo? Whips off his monk's cowl And starts beating at the fire To try to put it out Okay Um make a

Golly, what would that be I mean attack roll against the fire Is that wild? It feels wild Survival check Yeah survival is good, yeah That's a good one Thanks for remembering that that skill exists Travis We never do that on this show

Yeah you're welcome did it Make a survival check Mac I don't want to Okay 12 12 Wait a minute 12

I'm also going to help I wouldn't just sit there and be like you're doing great Sure with a 12 you are going to put out the fire You are going to lose a decent amount of your regalia here In doing so it is going to get burnt to smithereens So And then, Mutt, you can make another check on the second fire. Yeah, I did that.

It wasn't great. I got an eight. An eight, you know what it is? With an eight, the remnants of your incredible crossbow are consumed as you are focused. Oh, no. Well. One taking out the fire. In this situation, you know, my great, great-grandfather has come down.

My great-grandfather carved that out of a unicorn's bones. Oh, no. As you come back to your feet, Lady Godwin, this horse looks at you with malice and darts off into the woods. And the three of you find yourself in front of a carriage that has seen much better days. And a carriage driver who has seen the last of his days. And two beautiful, fucking sinewy, strong, muscle bound. sweating horses, uh, in front of the regal gates to the singing city of Luminon. Maximum Fun.

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