The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 10

Episode Date: March 14, 2024

The vampire hunters try to sneak around the were-house, but a slew of bad luck means danger for all of them. Mutt takes a leap. Phileaux takes on a new role. Godwin has a groundbreaking idea. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary, nobody understands me. I hate relishing in self-pity or, well, any emotion, really, but I had a difficult conversation with my best friend, the Wolfman, last night. He was confused as to why I permit the Bullguards and mutters and every other monster-hunting clan to operate within Ongrave's borders. I told him, in order for ordinary folks to visit here and live here, they have to think we can be defeated. They have to think they can win.

The wolfman called me soft and then finished eating the dude that he was evening. He can be a lot sometimes. Hey Griffin, I know last episode you accused me of being a Dracula sympathizer, but I've noticed that he never writes a journal, a diary entry that's just like had a great day today. You know really good about myself. It's a hard life. I'm not a Dracula sympathizer.

God no. Thank you. Yeah, okay. I think I can't wait for you guys to smoke this dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No sympathy. Can I say now because... Please.

I've... This is the 10th one of these who've done. And I've started to have a creeping fear. And I just like, I want to say it out loud because, like, You know when everybody watched the first season of Lost? Everybody's like, they're in purgatory, right? And the creator's like, no, I don't know. I'll never tell.

I'll never tell. And there's like 10 seasons later, you were right. Yeah. But we had you going, didn't we? No. I want to make sure that you're not, like, hyping us up to not kill draft. Like, you know what I mean? Oh, I see what you're saying.

Like at the end, it's like, oh, we play chess. And it's like, I don't want to. You know what I mean? I don't want a friend, like, enemies to lovers kind of deal, you know what I mean? Like, I'm gonna kill Dracula. I just wanted to feel as good as possible when you guys smoke Dracula's ass. Yeah.

Lady Godwin, you are, I would say, in a pickle. You are on the steps leading up to the Unglo, having just faked needing CPR. As one does. I would say a pretty big scene. The two equine bodyguards that are standing in front of the tables here in the unglo are, they started out sort of kneeling over you with concern,

and now they are like standing over you sort of imposingly while fish stick cowers behind these tables at the back of the booth, a good distance from you. All of this action has attracted the security guard from the booth nearby. A wolf man, slightly smaller in stature, but still, you know, A werewolf. That must be so weird. Yeah. Because there's like the wolf man.

Yeah. And it's like, that's just like if it was like, oh, over there, that's the human. Yeah. And that was just like his name that he went by. Yeah, that would be wild. The human. A werewolf comes over and snarls and says, is there a problem here? Hey, I want to ask a question.

Please, ship. It's been bugging me for a week now. Yeah. I feel like when I tried to get fish dates, do body shot with me. Yeah. Yeah. I feel like you established that we were in a, like, a magical good vibes spell.

Yes. And I feel like he should have had to roll, like, with disadvantage to resist a body shot when the vibes are also clean. The vibes are... What do you think about that? That's so interesting, Justin. Let me speak on that. Isn't that?

I thought Griffin will find this compelling. Yeah, yeah, no. No, this is very much a, one, a sort of communication spell that is allowing all of these different members of the animal kingdom to converse with each other. But it is mostly a suppression field for their latent animal instincts to, say, devour one another. It is not, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, it is, that is, that is not the, the focus of the spell. One of the equine bodyguards Is, uh, yeah, this woman was, uh, I don't know, she tried to lick fish stick, uh, and then, uh, fell down and then essentially required CPR, but wouldn't let us do it. I think she wants to kiss fish stick.

Uh, the security guard goes, oh, is, uh, is that true, ma'am? There's been misunderstanding. I tried to get fish stick to do a chill body shot with me. And he rebuffed me, which is fine. And then I said I needed CPR, which stands for cool people. Really? Because he is not a cool person. And I bought these, I bought enough drinks for everyone.

And he rebuffed me. And frankly, I was hurt. Okay, well, first of all, you didn't buy those shots. I saw you on the security cameras, the bartender, provided them gratis. in exchange for a puppet. I can't hear what goes on out there, but it looks like you sold him a puppet in exchange for some shots.

But the other thing is, I mean, cool people really? Why did you fall down then if you needed cool people, really? I was so saddened. By being rebuffed. Okay. It took the wind right out from my feet, as one says.

Give me a deception check. Please. And this is going to need to be. 15 or above for this to even work a little bit, I would say. Well, I got a nine. A nine. Unsuccessful. The security guard says, all right, ma'am, I'm going to have to escort you off the premises.

We get lots of people here trying to kiss fish stick every week. He's, you know, I mean, he's pretty famous. Okay, okay. All right. Fish stick. Fish stick is cowering behind the table and kind of peeks his eyes up over the edge of it. you turned me into a horse lady and I don't like it. Okay.

The direct approach. Yeah, very, very direct. First of all, give me an insight check as you shout that out loud. 18. 18, great. With an 18, it's loud in here. But I will say everyone within maybe a 20-foot radius of you turns and glows. at you,

uh, it's somewhat incensed, uh, by this statement you have just shouted in the middle of a wear club. Uh, fistic squintes eyes, looks at you and says, were you the one on the,

on the wagon this morning or yesterday? I was. Yes. And I was bitten and turned into a warehouse, which I, frankly, I have always thought that the were were noble and kind

and I've always considered joining your ranks, frankly. But to have that choice thrust upon me to become a warehouse when I could be a quite suitable werewolf, you're quite beautiful. What a noble creature, the werewolves are. You need to pick a, ma'am, you need to pick a gambit here. You can pick a... This is, I'm telling you, this is the truth.

I was bitten by him and I want him to undo it so I can choose the wear creature that I prefer. And I feel you, but also trying to seduce me in the middle of that sort of maneuver. It seems wrongheaded. It might just wasn't a maneuver. Okay. Fish stick, I'm trying to think if this is a check. No, I don't think so. Fish stick stands up and he hikes up his pants showing the wound.

that you gave him, and he says, But you, you know, I didn't want to get my leg chopped by an axe. That's it. That's, of course. And if I could un-chop you, Lord knows I would. Okay. I appreciate that. So, I don't really feel inclined to do you any favors there.

Since you did maim me. I tend to listen to people who've maimed me pretty good. Uh, ooh, give me, give me an intimidation check. Now that, now that I got a plus two in. Just gonna make that a 10. The least funny roll. Yeah, the most normal role. Now, I, with a 10, fish stick rolls down his pants and says,

Uh, this is gonna mess with my choreography tomorrow. In the music video I'm shooting. You could have ruined my career. Get her out of here. Uh, the security. guard is going to start leading you away. Do you go along? Tell me about the security guards again.

It's just one right now. The bodyguards are going to stay put. They're not going to leave fish stick behind, but the were, the werewolf here is going to gently sort of put a hand on your arm and try to lead you towards the entrance. Fish stick. Fish stick. Yeah? Look at me.

Look, I'm trying, fish stick. I'm trying. This is not the life, not the body I ever intended. And I was just starting to get the slightest bit comfortable. And you come and thrust this upon me, this wear horse part of this whole situation. I'm trying to become accustomed to. I will ask once more, please.

Please. Give me a persuasion check. We're looking for a 15 or above. Nope! And the werewolf takes your arm. And now a little bit more forcefully. I bite the werewolf's arm. What the fuck?

I don't know if that's anything. Here's the issue. You can't attack other animal beings in here. Now, I will say that Crawford did get bit, but Crawford was a human before. Hold on, I'm working through the logistics of this space. Well, I was also not to help you, but I was a willing participant in the body. That is true. That is true. Okay, you can bite this werewolf, but not to a degree that, like, breaks skin or anything. Okay. I'm sorry. You're just doing your job. thought it might be something. A second security guard for the back of the room sees this and moves over and it's like,

ma'am, we need to get you out of here. No, I quite understand. You're trying to have a nice evening. Yeah, and also you bit him, and you've been trying to convince that man to let you do a body shot off of you for about 10 uninterrupted minutes, so I think it is time to dip. Well, I do need to reclaim my puppet.

Uh, mut. Yeah. You have, uh, just sent off the, uh, goldfish squadron on some sort of mission to aid you. Yeah. Uh, and, uh, you feel your, your veins coursing with just pure kitty cat energy. Um, as you approach the door to the wolf man's office. Uh, again, a sort of heavy wooden door, much more sort of ornate and fancy than a lot of the, uh, pseudo-futuristic trappings of this nightclub. What do you do?

I give it a little bit of the old shave and a haircut. You hear a really loud, deep growl come from inside just behind the door, and then you hear a voice say, it's all right, let them in. I walk in. Okay. You see sitting at a desk the wolfman. The Wolfman is... Does he sound like Wolfman, Jack? Is the Wolfman, brother?

It's me the Wolfman. I don't know... I don't think I know who that is. That's amazing. Wolfman Jack? That's amazing. Out of this family. Yeah.

Oh. Dad, do you feel like a failure right now? Yes, I feel like a tremendous failure. I have not... Now? Now? Now? Yeah.

Not before now. This was the moment. You saw the amoebo thing right. Right, Dad? Griffin ate a banana the wrong way and got famous for it. And you were like, oh, my boy. It hurts so bad. I know you watched American Graffiti with me.

I didn't. George Lucas Classic. Now, Dad, none of us did. My Wolfman Jack, baby. Hey, baby, it's me, Wolfman Jack. I'm actually starting to feel like maybe I don't know who Wolfman Jack is, the more you do that. Okay.

Yeah, no, yeah, I mean this, yeah, okay, if this is what you want to, if this is what you want a headcanon, Wolfman as that's fine. That's that works for me. The Wolfman is sitting at a desk next to a couple of screens showing CCTV cameras positioned all around the nightclub. He's got eyes and ears all over. He can also see out into the bar here at the wall here on the south side of the room is overlooking the sort of stage area and DJ Thumbs his little DJ booth and the dance floor and everything. Big window overlooking. Also, seated across a long sort of couch on that wall, you see a big wear tiger, who is the one who made that loud, roaring noise.

You heard through the door earlier. He is just kind of sitting, lounging, reading a magazine. And the wolfman is looking over some spreadsheets on his desk, looking for. very sort of harried, no pun intended, but that was a bad one. And he gestures you over while sort of crunching the numbers here. Yeah, Mr. Wolfman, at the risk of sounding, pun intended, sheepish. Is it Wolfman? Do I just call you Wolfman?

Is that a nickname? Is that, is it like Harvey Wolfman? Like, what am I looking at here? How do I address you? A real name is Chester. Okay. Just kidding. Call me the wolfman.

All right. The wolfman. Come on over. Take a seat. Well, my name's Crawford, Muttner. You can call me Mutt. Everybody does. Oh, I'm familiar.

Okay. I'm familiar with your work as well, sir. Are you going to yell at me from across the room? Are you going to come take a seat? No, I, yeah. I'm going to come to take a seat. Okay. One second.

I've just got to finish tabulating this column. Of course. It's business, business. It's hard, you know, running a woodland nightclub for a bunch of sort of woodland creatures who don't have any money or no what money is or how it works. Yeah, and I bet the supplies is tough too. What are these balance bucks like? The overhead is killing me, mutt. So, ah, okay, I just finished.

Nine was the answer. What can I do you for, Mon? Well, sir, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, I just finished nine was the answer. I'll lay it to you straight. A couple things. One, my friend needs to buy a horse. Don't we all, baby? Yeah, you know how that is, so she ain't a were horse no more.

And I need to know the whereabouts. Once again, no pun intended, of the one they call Dracula. Oh, and also, if you've got to lead on the Invisible Man, that would be a huge bonus. You know the Invisible Man? Oh, the Invisible Man. There is a hatred that dwells in his heart. The likes of which I have never seen in man nor beast. A real piece of shit, right?

I mean, he's got his reasons, don't you think? Oh, I didn't know that he had like a haunted backstory or nothing. Griffin, Tass is about shared world building. Yeah. And in the shared world that we've built, the Invisible Man is universally considered to be a dig. You can't change it, unfortunately. It's weird that the wolfman thinks otherwise. No, it's just you can't.

So it's a plot point. Maybe the wolfman chooses to see the best in people. I would sooner believe he walks on the ceiling, guys. I mean, it's, magic is all well and good, but he's just the piss. He stands up from the desk, and he walks over to the window overlooking. in the club. And he says, listen,

it is only by the grace of the sort of kitty cat vibe you are now pulling off, which I assume you did acquire on the premises. Quite recently, yeah, yeah. From Mr. Mistophiles out there, if I'm not mistaken. I don't kiss and tell.

He points to the camera, the screen, show you the camera. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, yeah, he bit me. Yeah. Um, it is only because of that that you are still alive and in one piece. Okay. Two of us can't fight in here. Yeah.

Honestly, probably fortunate for you. I don't know if you saw the tiger on the table. Yeah, no, I did. And I was going to yell at it while you did business. Oh, I would not recommend that, my friend. Okay. He gestures down to the dance floor. I'm so sorry.

That's an excellent point. Where, Tiger? I didn't catch your name. Oh, okay. Shy. I get that. No, it's, it, you promise you won't laugh. Yeah, of course it promise, man.

Travis, I need you to instantly recruit this character so it always has to be in it. Yeah, so we blow Griffin's voice for the rest of his life. Yeah. I could do, I could do this all day. Really? You promise you won't laugh. Yeah, of course, man. It is Tony.

Oh, I love that. Why would that be funny to me? There's a serial guy. There is, huh? Yeah, pretty famous. I'm not so much into kind of the trappings of modern capitalism. I make my own cereal out of dried jerky. It's a meat-based cereal?

They don't make that a lot. That's kind of where I'm at. He goes back to his magazine. What are you reading? Highlights. Oh, yeah? Are you more of a goofus or a gallon? Where are you at?

You better hope I'm a gallant today. I do. You need any help with the, like, spot the differences between the pictures kind of deal? I love the... The wolfman fucking walks back to behind his desk and starts working on paperwork. Let me know when you're done. Okay, yeah. I got at least another 20 minutes with this tiger man.

Yeah, okay. You sit down to help the tiger man solve his highlights puzzles. Give me an intelligence check, Travis. Okay. wasn't anticipating. Yeah, well, you say shit, you do shit. It's a six. I'm befuddled.

Man, these things are stumbers. You're really bad at this. Yeah, I know that, oh, you know what? This was an ad. I think that was the problem. I was trying to find the differences in just one picture. You'll try to spot the differences in an ad for Universal Studios.

It's one picture. Yeah, that one's on me, man. Yeah, I've never done one of these before. I was just trying to impress you because you seem so cool, Tony. I don't want to do this anymore. Oh, okay. I'm going to go back to Dr. the Wolfman now.

Welcome back. Hi, yeah, good to be back. So anyways, you was going to tell me where Dracula was and then convinced a big horse down there and let my friend bite him, if I remember correctly what was happening? Let me try my exposition again. He stands up.

Sorry, sorry. I forgot. I forgot I interrupted you. He says, your friend's going to have some trouble biting anyone in here, as you know. Or maybe you don't. This place is built on a natural wellspring of good vibe, energy, a piece funk. Underneath that dance floor, he gestures to the glass dance floor where you can see the shimmering water beneath.

Oh, boy. He says, I'm not going to tell you where Dracula is because I think that. And what you do is detestable. Oh, okay. He looks out at the, you know, blend of different animal species sort of counted here. And he says, you know, Crawford, nature. Call me mud. Everybody calls me mutt.

Fine, mutt. Call me Chester. Okay, okay. Don't do that. Okay. Nature's. gotten older, you know, and usually the wolves devour the, the sheep devour the, well, I guess just grass. Not so much a circle of life, that one, as much as a...

Well, then the wolf dies and fertilizes the grass. That's the circle. I forget about that part, because I cannot, I cannot die or be killed. Yeah, it's a bummer. I mean, I don't like to think about it either, man, but that is how the circle works, you know what I mean? That's a good point, my... Dust to dust and whatnot. You think that the sheep looks at the wolf and says that's an evil guy right there. No, I don't think that. Yeah, and so

your kind of monster hunters, you're just going around thinking you're doing virtuous deeds when all you're doing is fighting back against the programming of whatever sort of curse or you know, genetics they've got going on.

Do you remember your first, your first hunt, mud? Yeah, of course it do, man. What was it? Oh, sorry, I thought it was, I thought it was rhetorical. I was four years old and out with my daddy to, we was looking, it was, there was a wounded chupacabra. It had been wounded and we tracked it, put it down, out of its misery. You were four?

Yeah, man. Shit, man. That's intense, dude. Yeah, Monday starts early, man, it's family business. Okay. Well, I'll be honest with you, when I started in on this story, I did not expect it to be quite that dog.

Well, here's the thing, man. You misunderstand. You got me confused with the Bullgard. Bullgards do it for glory. They hunt for fun. They do it for that. That ain't me, man. I hunt for necessity.

I do it to supply things to people who need them for spells and charms and whatnot. I don't overhunt. I only do it when either something is threatened or the population starts to grow out of control. I'm more of like a monster track of my dude. I don't do it for like fun and shit. I gotta say

that it is pretty awesome that Mudd's trying to cast himself as a good guy with the same time. It's like, and yeah sometimes I'll kill a hummingbird and just tell it like, hey, I need it for spells. Yeah, man. Well, you're the one talking about the fucking you eat the sheep because you're hungry for sheep.

When somebody needs something, you got You need something? That's a responsibility. So tell me then why you need to kill Dracula. What is your virtuous reason for that? Oh, okay. Well, you see, I'm the last living male mutner. And so, like, 28 or something of my kin been killed recently. And I need to settle down, but I can't do that. Well, two reasons, really.

I want to marry this woman And I need to impress her You know and I think Kicking Dracula's ass will do that And then also I promise my brother Rusty When he got murdered by the invisible man Who's a real piece of shit I don't care what you said

He's got his reasons All right, yeah, I don't want to hear it I promise my brother Rusty That I would kick Dracula's ass and take his teeth Now here's the thing, Wolfman You and I both know Dracula don't stay dead I don't see why this is bothering you at all

I kick his ass, I take his teeth. I married the girl. I show up the ball guards, which I think you would like. I get to retire, which I think you would like. Oh, that has no bearing on me. But sorry, I'm just blown away by the heroism and the conservationism of your intent towards Dracula. It is so noble to want to kill him.

I can tell you're being like a sarcastic piece of shit right now and I don't need that energy fucking up the vibe. You know what I mean? Yeah, for sure, for sure. Yeah. Look at where you are right now. Okay. And think about... Yes. But in the middle of a nightclub of wear creatures.

Uh-huh. Maybe just think about the tone that you are striking to the wolf man. Okay. I thought it was being pretty chill. Yeah. Look, I can't... I can't kill you. Oh, cool. As much as I would like to. But I don't actually think I need to.

Oh, yeah? Yeah. Make a Make a Make a perception check first of all 15 total

15 total Okay then this is going to be a pretty even encounter here You hear at the last second that the wear tiger Has creeped up on the chair behind you He is going to throw a couple of ropes

around you and try to bind you to the chair. Let's make a contested strength check, please. Okay. Your shirt's not dexterity. Yeah. Because I'm good at that.

Yeah. Okay. I got a 17. No adjectives. A natural farm to table 17. Okay. That does not beat the 19. God damn it, Griffin.

He wraps you up real tight in these ropes and you feel yourself securely tied down. The both band says, I don't got to kill you. I think maybe I could just wait you out for the next two days until you permanently turn into this thing that you seem to hate so much. What is that hate? Who said? Who? What of what I've just said? God damn it.

The wolf band walks over and opens over. opens up a closet and pulls out a keytar. He walked away from me? Yeah. Um, Mutt is going to, um, run backwards towards the big window and an attempt to smash through a chair first. Um, okay. Uh, okay, this is going to be a couple things here. Uh-huh.

Um, I think, oh, man, uh, give me an acrobatics. Check. 19 plus 4.23. Yeah, all right. You... Hard to deny. Immediately stand up. The Wolfman is mid-sentence, like,

I got a solo to go play with DJ Thumbs, and I got... What the... And you stand up and run backwards towards the window. We're going to freeze frame it right there. Back for another game. You know it. What's going on?

Just one more week till Max fun drive. Hard to believe. It's been a heck of a year since the last one. We're now a worker-owned co-op. We raised $50,000 for charity last year. And we've added a bunch of awesome new shows. But do you think we're ready to do it again?

Absolutely. Lovely new gifts are lined up. The episodes will be amazing and wait till everyone hears the bonus content. Yeah, plus they know to go to maximum fun.org slash newsletter, so they're getting all the news. Oh, like that Meetup Day is on Thursday, March 20. Then what's bothering you? Me? Oh, nothing. We're all set for Max Fund Drive to start on Monday, March 18th.

I just didn't want you to see this coming. Check. What? Hang on. Most of the plants humans eat are technically grass. Most of the asphalt we drive on is almost a liquid. The formula of WD40 is San Diego's greatest secret. Zippers were invented by a Swedish immigrant love story. On the podcast secretly incredibly fascinating, we explore this type of amazing stuff.

Stuff about ordinary topics like cabbage and batteries and socks. Topics you'd never expect to be the title of the podcast. Secretly, incredibly fascinating. Find us by searching for the word secretly in your podcast app. And at maximum fun.org. We'll freeze frame it right there, right before you smash through the glass. And back up just a little bit. brother philo you are awake you have regained your faculties inside of this sort of ready room next to the bar

after having just fended off a sort of psychic assault from van helsing you were able to grab hold of your tangible ties to this puppet body that you are in and you feel van helsing slipping away until he is He is gone. You see no traces of him left in here. What do you do? Is it fair to say that Philo could hear what was going on out in the main bar? I mean, it's just a door. Yes, but it is also a nightclub out there.

So I don't know that you would be able to pick up on this conversation happening with Lady Godwin over there. But if you want to, you know, poke your head out or find some other way to kind of like, you know, do a little bit of scouting. And that's, that is fine. Um, okay. Um, philo, little cute Pinocchio Philo comes, uh, bursting out of the storage room and presents to all that can hear. Now, hold on. When you're talking about animals that, you can't say that he presents to them.

That's a much different thing. Yeah, he's peacocking. Right. Okay. Um, just come. bursting out of the storage room and says, well, the doctor is into house. Oh, boy.

Yes, it's, it's me. Abraham Van Helsing. I'm busy. And he kind of scopes out the situation. Uh-huh. Now scopes out. Now scopes out. Now he scopes it out.

Now he's like, now to see what I'm doing. Okay. On the other end of the room, you see Lady Godwin being escorted back towards the entrance by two werewolf security guards. You also see that there's only a few creatures on the dance floor that seem to have heard this gambit over the loud EDM that DJ Thumbs is pumping into the party as he is wont to do. Yeah, a couple of creatures come over, including a swarm of bats. The bartender comes over and walks through a little hatch on the side of the bar and is like, hey, is this part of the show? Is this part of the act?

No, my friend, I have inhabited the body of this little puppet because I somehow intrinsically felt that there was someone, someone here who needs the help of his doctor. And I am, of course, a doctor, Dr. Ibrahim Van Helsing. I'm sorry, Gervin, can I pull you over here for a second? Yeah. How much of this gambit was because you to show off your absolutely rock and German accent. Well, it may have been Austrian.

Dutch. It's actually my Anthony Hopkins imitation. It's just not very good. It's pretty good. You got Tony Hopps dead to rights, dude. Yeah, I've done way stupider things to show off a thing I can do. So I think you're doing a great job. I just wanted to check out there.

Get back out there. Dunker. Donka. Oh, I love that. Hey, Griffin, you're not over here. I want to be, though. Dad, I just want you to know I'm really proud of you, and you're doing a great job in this episode so far.

So, show me a performance check, please. He already showed it to you. Yeah, he did it with his words and actions. I think I demonstrated exactly what I was doing with the performance. It's very, it's giving Freud. It's a little Freud. A little, sorry, dad, a little Freud? Hey, dad, you're hurtling young Frankenstein.

You've got to be careful. It's very twitchless. About a 16. I think that should be a do, well. Yeah. Madeline Khan is edging out Van Helsing for ownership of your body. Okay, with a 16, one of the security guards

says, oh shit, did you just say that's Van Helsing? He's going to peel off of Lady Godwin and come over to where you're at. And he sort of gestures the bartender aside and says, Sorry, did you say you're Van Helsing? because you are wicked a puppet. Yeah, I know. Well, as you may know,

I have been in spirit form haunting the back room. Why would I know? What you just said is so wild, dude. How would you not know there was a ghost in the back room? Of course you would know that the ghost of a ban. Ghosts are real, dude. Can I pull you over here for a second, Dad? Oh, yeah, yeah.

The ghost wasn't in the background, dad. The ghost was in the puppet. You know that, right? No, well, yeah, but I mean, when he encounters, the ghost, he was in the back room. Okay, okay. Okay. Okay. So, um...

Ghosts aren't real, bro. Well, you are entitled to your opinion, and I think there's something in your ear, but that may be, you know, sticking you in this direction. Which one of you is a fish cake? Fish cake? Fish stick? Fish stick? Fish stick? Yes, which one did you is fish?

Fishick hears someone say his name in an implacable accent and walks to the edge of the uncleo to look over and see what's going on. Fish stick, something is calling out to me about you that you need a healer. You need. There's something that you, an injury, something that is really, you know, bothering. I see that you have a bit of a limb. All right.

Give, are you trying to persuade Fish Dick to let you come and heal him? Yeah. Okay, give me a persuasion check. Are you also trying to sway them

that Van Helsing is a medical doctor? And a puppet. Van Helsing is a, listen, he is a, what do they call it, a polyglot? He's got all in the letters. I cannot get out of this voice. Yes, I know, which is why we must roll.

I am doomed. Alright, here we go, persuasion? Yeah. Okay, here we go. This would not be good. Oh, not 20. Okno Lieber. Okay.

He's not German. I can't stress this enough. This is my Swiss. No, you're from Vienna? The, holy shit. The werewolf, like, steps out of the way, like, holy shit, get over there, man. And fish stick comes down the stairs, like,

oh, no. I don't want to die. Help me, doctor. And the two bodyguards hold his arms supportingly, like, you're going to be okay, man. You're going to get through this. And he pulls out his wounded leg. And he, Fishick says,

You're sure that you're a medical doctor? Because you look like a Marion Appellip. Well, yeah, I know. But the spirit inside me is impelling me. to heal you because I feel like if I heal your wounded leg, it will heal your wounded heart. Well, Lady Godwin is concerned,

and I think that you could perhaps forgive her enough to allow her to bite you. But first, let's do the healing. Okay. And we cast healing word. Okay. Oh, no, no. Cure wounds.

Cure wounds. So at this point, the other security guard that was leading you out, Lady Godwin, has stopped and is now, you know, sort of has a hand on you, but is watching this scene, like, I desperately want to see how this plays out. So another thing could be, hi, I'm a magic puppet. If you let her bite, you'll fix your leg. But that's not as much fun to play. As a matter of fact, I say, I want to keep doing puppet. I'm going to keep doing this character. Okay, roll, roll for cure wounds. Kill wounds.

I cast cure wounds. And it's, uh... If Borders Gate has told me anything, that spell is worthless. Yeah. A four plus three. That's a seven. Okay. You...

And surely that would heal his wounded leg. You hit him with seven, and he... He looks down and he's like, I do feel a bit better, though. And he tries to stand up, and his knee kind of buckles a little bit. He's like, no, damn it. My choreography's going to be so messed up. Well, it will be better than it was before.

That's it. Perhaps you could reach deep in it. You will continue to hear. I thought you were going to do like doctor stuff to me. Well, that was, that was, I could. Let me see if I have some salve. No, you know that I do have. I have a healing elixir in addition to this.

A healing elixir that I created three episodes ago. Oh, okay. Cool. You regain a number of hit points equal to 2D4 plus my intelligence modifier. I mean, sure. He's got to be wondering what that is, though, huh? Yeah. You're going to let me drink that normal and not try.

to drink it off your body, right? Oh. Well, it only works if you drink it off another rare creature's body. I don't make the rules. I just follow it. But you made the elixir.

You told them you made it three episodes ago. So you do make the rules. It sounds great. So give me a deception check for this just increase snowballingly wild sort of move you're trying here. That's all right.

That's fine. That's not so good. That's a sick. I think this guy's in league with the horse lady. Oh, here. Just drink the damn Alexa, will you? He is... I'm going to need another persuasion.

I think he is definitely wary of you after sort of sensing your intention here. It's a joke. It was a silly little place. All right, here we go. Another persuasion. shit the beds, that's a five. No, I don't want to drink that.

Thank you. Thank you so much. In fact, maybe security, do you think you could? This security guard is going to say like, I got to say I'm super disappointed. I do not even think you are the actual Abraham Van Helsing. I am hurt. That's screw you.

Okay, let's go, buddy. He places a paw on you to lead you out of the nightclub. And as he does, you hear the sound of shattering glass. Uh, mutt. Yeah. You are... Totally fine. Totally great.

I'm picturing, like, one of the scenes from Snatch, you know what I mean, where Brad Pitt has just been knocked out. Yeah. You go sailing over the stage. Uh, and as you land, you gave me an acrobatics check to get up and smash through the, smash through the window and go falling. I think this is going to need to be another acrobatics check to see how good of a job you sort of land this.

With advantage. No, sir. Why? Oh, really? Because of my cat-like reflexes. Fuck. Cats, I don't know if you know this, Griffin, always land on their feet. When they're tied to chairs, are you sure about that, dog?

Are you sure about that? Hey, Griffin, why would you ever tag? cat to a chair, you... Yeah, you monster. I will give you advantage on this check for that reason alone. Okay, after a rather. If you see this as a fucking cheat code

and you're like, I'm gonna stay a kitty cat forever so I can... I'm not gonna say a kitty cat forever. You will reap the whirlwind of that. I think we all... So 16 plus 4, that's a gentleman's 20. Okay. And an 11.

So I'm gonna go with the gentleman's 20. Okay. You are going to take some damage. You manage to land this perfectly on the rolling wheels of this office chair. You land on the stage and as you do so, DJ Thumbs looks up from his booth. It looks very, very confused. You are going to take four points of slashing damage from the glass that you have just smashed through. Otherwise, you have landed this move very successfully.

as you do that, the wolfman is going to run over to the now smashed in window and yells, somebody stop him. Smoking! And, yeah, Philo and Godwin, you now see basically all eyes on the stage as your friend and co-conspirator, Crawford Muttner has smashed through the window tied to a chair. Let's say Godwin, what do you do first? You haven't gone. Okay, there are, so I just got one.

I was just really trying to play this cool. Yeah, we're past that point. I know, it really feels that way. All right. Well, I look at the bodyguard holding me, and I say, you know, as I understand it, this spell, Restraint my animal nature. The bad news for you is the horse is my nice side.

And then I attack him with my axe. Okay. So this is a stretching of the convention. If you want to attack this person with a weapon with intent to harm them, you're going to need to make a wisdom saving throw to see if that action can even take place. if you want to do some other form of less sort of aggressive, less violent, you know, interaction here, you would not have to roll that wisdom saving through. I'll tell you what, me understanding that, I'll just give a, how about a hard shove? Yes.

To free myself? I think that that is, that is cool, yes. Give me a strength check against a security card. I got a Nat 1 on that role. Oh, my God. I had a three plus three six. Okay. Yeah, you were able to shove the, the werewolf away.

He sort of trips backwards over his own feet. He was not looking at you. He was looking at what happened on the stage just there, so he was not ready for this action. And you are... Is not still falling? Is he dangling? No, he's on the stage.

He's landed it, you know, perfectly on the rolling wheels of this office chair. He's just still bound to the office chair. Okay. You are unencumbered. Can I... say something to DJ Thumbs? Um, yeah, sure. DJ Thumbs!

Crank that slam music. You know he loves it. Crank that slam music? That music that people have been slam dancing to. Whatever it is. Mudd doesn't know what it is. They call it slam with who am. DJ Thumb's going to know what it is.

He loves that slam dancing music. I am going to go ahead and get a t-shirt that says, crank that slam music. Just warning you guys Kramm music DJ Thumbs crank that slam music. Give me. Here's the thing, Travis.

Here's the thing. Which is what I'm going to give you. DJ Thumb so desperately wants to crank that slam music. Of course he does. It is flashback. Wolfman. It's opening. They're about to open the doors.

He comes over to the DJ booth. And he's like, listen, DJ Thumbs. I'm not going to tell you this again. Do not encourage the slam dancing with this slam. music you love so much. And DJ Thumbs is like, and Wolfman's like, I don't want to hear it. It's bad for the glass dance

floor with the piece far underneath it. We cannot let people splash around in there like it's a wonderful life. DJ Thumbs is like, man, he's very, very sad. He so badly wants to do this. He doesn't want to lose his job and also be devoured by the Wolfman. I need a persuasion

check. I want to see a ten or higher on that dice, please. Whoa. Oh, that's a natural nine. Ah. Does someone want to aid him? Well, we'll see. I'm kind of doing my thing.

That's true. To convince DJ Thumbs to crank the music? To crank that slam music. No, I think I'll save my, I'll save my heart and mind for, Just do what you win. Okay. Roll again with advantage. Now DJ Thumbs feels pressure from the audience.

slam slam slam oh my god i'm just gonna keep her all until it succeeds just keep no it's not meant to be yeah yeah d c j thumbs really doesn't want to play that slam music he looks down at his hands shake trembling and he just looks up at you with a tear in his eye and he just shakes his head no i uh i pick up jennifer okay and I attack the ground. Attack the glass? Yeah. Okay.

Give me a, give me an attack roll. Where are you attacking from? Are you standing on the outside of the glass? Sort of smashing it, or are you like trying to get into the middle? No, I'm not directly on it. I'm off and smashing it to try to get to the piece form. Okay. Then give me an attack roll.

gonna need to be pretty good. Yeah, I mean, for sure. Oh, that should do it. Jesus, please this, guys. Not a great time to start beefing it. Yeah, man. This glass is so thick. You try to...

It sounds like it. You try to smash your great axe into it with a two plus five or seven is insufficient. The security... You're going to attract actually another security guard. Griffin, I've got it. Yeah. DJ Thumbs, please crank that slam music.

DJ Thumbs. I'll hire you to DJ my wedding. And I'll protect you from the Wolfman. DJ Thubbs turns around and looks at a picture of his family that he has on the wall. He looks up. How many kids does he have? He's got like 12 fucking kids, man. Don't you want your kids to know that their dad's a hero, willing to live his truth?

The Wolfman in the window. on his number of kids. The wolfman in the window licks his lips as he looks at DJ Thumbs. Are you going to live your life in fear? DJ Thumbs. Are you going to embrace the slam music that's in your heart? Give me another persuasion check. Let the animal out.

10 or higher. A nine. No, I get to help, though. I get to help, though. Okay. Seriously. 13. Okay, yes.

You can have advantage for that. 13. He. grits his monkey teeth. And he looks back at the picture of his family, and he tears it off the wall. And crumples it in his hand. And then he hits the button that's flashing. It says slam on it.

And all of a sudden just... I attack the floor again. With advantage. Bring that slam music. It's been cranked, baby. You are going to attack again, not with advantage, just a regular. You are actually flanked right now, so you are not in a very good position at all. 15 plus 5.

It's a dirty 20. A dirty 20 is what you're looking for. Okay, roll damage. Six plus, it's a nine. All right. Six plus the nine. Okay. You smash your axe.

down into the glass dance floor. As that happens, the crowd dancing on it begins to sort of divide itself along the sort of rift as it splits all the way across, all the way going up. You see that crack begin to spiderweb out, and then the dance floor collapses into the peace font. and everyone standing in there falls down into the wellspring. The slam dancing hasn't stopped.

People are now just sort of having a bit of a wet rave. And you see that as they are doing so, they are sort of kicking up mud and silt in the bottom of these waters. And as that happens, as that happens, happens, the vibe in here starts to get kind of weird. Get kind of weird. The vibe in here continues to grow strange. Stranger and stranger.

You see, first of all, there's a cat in the water who all of a sudden realizes like, hey, fuck this. I don't want to be in the water. And oh, shit, there's three wolves here. I got to get out of here. And the cat runs for it. Similarly, you see some of the animals start to act. like animals again, and begin to worm their way away.

And then, like a wave, every animal in here comes to their senses as the wellspring is tainted, and the magic spell that is keeping everyone chill suddenly vanishes. Maximum Fun. A Worker Owned Network of Artist-owned Shows, supported directly by you. Thank you.