The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 12

Episode Date: March 28, 2024

The vampires hunters cause chaos as the negotiations with the Wolfman for Dracula’s location quickly get out of hand. Godwin takes a swing. Mutt meets an icon. Phileaux tries diplomacy. Additional Music in this Episode: "Blue Feather" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, everybody, before you get into The Quest, and boy, howdy, what a tale we've woven for you this week. I do not know what episode you're going to hear after we immediately speak, but I'm sure there'll be lots of hijinks. They're all great. Yeah, it's all good stuff. We wanted to tell you that it's the last week of the Max Fun Drive, last couple days actually of the Max Fun Drive, when you are hearing this, and we sure could use your help in making this show and other shows like it by, going to maximum fund.org slash join. When you do that, you get to pick the shows that you listen to where you want your contributions to go. You can pick the pledge level that works for you and help us out in a major way. We've been able to grow and do more stuff and hire people to help us make the shows and make them better, all because of the support that we get from the Max Fund Drive.

And there's a lot of different levels to choose from. There are some rewards for those levels. We have put out a bunch of bonus stuff because we've hit certain goals, and we'll tell you all about that. but right now just consider doing your support while you're thinking about it. Go into maximum fund.org slash join, knocking it out, getting it done. Bang it out with the MaxFud drive. At just five bucks a month you get accessed over 600 hours of bonus content, so much good stuff in there. Dad, do you want to tell them what we did for Taz this year?

We did a bonus episode where I found out just how truly evil might. sons are. What? Yeah. That's not nice. Well, I didn't build a thoroughly enjoyable Play-Dose Rave RPG one-shot for you. Yes. That's true. And and I was happy and very cool with it. And then I heard the bonus content where you revealed your insidious plans.

And it was shocking. Yes. If you listen to the Mbim-Ban bonus episode, you'll hear us build our Play-Dose Rave one shot in which we devise all the diabolical traps that our dad stumbled into without fail so so exciting uh so again that link one last time maximum fun dot org slash join thank you enjoy the episode dear diary not really feeling like journaling today and yet as an immortal i find my memory is in a state of constant peril i know too well the pain of forgetting that which is most important to you if only i'd been a better steward of my memory my grand design would not have been necessary.

Oh, well, if eifs and bots were candies and nuts, am I right? Is that long enough? I think so. Talk to you later. For some reason, it makes me feel bad that Dracula, it makes feel better about myself that Dracula also ticks off meaningless chores that he gave himself. Yeah. Just so he can feel like, self-care is weird sometimes. I'd also like to imagine that he just wrote T, T, Y, L. Yeah. Yeah.

There's a lot of emoticons in Dracula's diary that I don't know how to read out loud. So I mostly omit them, but go ahead and imagine that he uses a lot of embole. It's also, I've never really thought about immortality and memory together. The idea that no matter, like, you would see something truly heinous or something truly awful what happened to you. and your first thought would be like, well, this is going to take a while to shake. This one's going to stick with me for at least a hundred years. That's one of the many dark colors I have on my palette right now

that I'm painting with in the Adventuresman versus Jack. But don't bring Dad down, Justin, because while we three are working, party dad is ready to go. That's true. I hate to spoil the fucking pool side mood that Dad is trying to establish with his beverage choices today. It's 9.48. AM, by the way, it's 9.40 AM, Tuesday, the year of our Lord, 24.

I've been drinking Celsius. I've been getting these Celsius because it gives you energy and it tastes. Yeah, you're young, your hip, I get it. I do that in the morning, so I grabbed one out of the... Can I stop you there? Actually, I have free greening fruit? Yeah. You're not a coffee drinker, and honestly, the escalation to Celsius is insane.

It worries me. It concerns me a little bit. That is like, you are going straight to the hard stuff from nothing. But we're going back to dad, sipping like a monster energy. trick and doing like a kickflip 720 or something shit. Trucker pills. Sorry, sorry I'm late for the recording.

I had to stop by the flying J and get some fucking bumblebees. Get some trucker speed. Well, I grabbed a white claw instead of a Celsius. Yeah.

At 9.40 in the morning. That is so wild. I decided very recent. It's worth noting our dad has never been a drinker whatsoever. So this is a weird choice. He's not continuing to drink it either. He ever took a sip.

He wasn't like, well, in for a penny and for a pound and slammed it. I have definitely, I usually have a sparkling water with a dinner meal. I have substitute a White Claw in there when the La Crosse run dry. And I don't feel bad about it. White Claw, like, at dinner time? Like, that's a perfectly normal thing to do. I guess I think of it as a pool side. Anyway, let's play Dungeons of Dragons.

Sometimes I'll have a beer with dinner. I'm a rock star. Yeah, if I'm eating pizza, I'll drink a whole Coca-Cola. Just watch it straight down. Hey. Oh, man, okay. The warehouse has calmed down. All around you, animalistic employees are sweeping up broken glass, carting away,

Big Dead Horsebody. No, no, no, no, not yet. Oh, okay. As they are carting away, the big dead horse body puppet filo runs over and... Wait, wait! And casts spare the dying. Okay. Read me that spell description, please.

You touch a living creature that has zero hit points. Yeah. The creature becomes stable. This spell has no effect on undead or constructs. Okay. This horse was half devoured by a werewolf. so when you bring him back Which half?

Good question. Was it 50% in one fell swoop or like chunks? Equally. No, it is bottom half. And so when you bring him back, he's a mantar. Yeah, he looks down and he looks up and he just kind of gives a thumbs up. And he's like, and they bring him away.

And as you do that, DJ Thumbs looks up at you with tears in his eyes. and he gives you a little hug. He's very, very happy. And then he hands you his business card because he does weddings and bar mitzvahs and parties. And so if you ever do need a DJ for any of those events. I told him I was going to hire him for my wedding. Okay, he gives you one to.

That's true. That's true. This is a good networking opportunity for him. You see, as things kind of calm down, the dust, the muck in the peace font waters below the dance floor have settled, and the vibe here has sort of. of relaxed a bit. And the wolfman takes you up to his office. The where tiger is there too,

kind of like licking his wounds and trying to, he's got a couple like wet wipes that he's trying to get sort of the acid off. Using tiger bomb. Using tiger bomb. That's very good. Travis. Thank you so much. The wolf man leads you over to his desk and he leans down underneath it.

And he pulls up a few rolls of parchment, which he sort of very quickly looks through. and he slaps one down on his desk and spreads it out. Real quick, before we get into Wolfman narration, yeah, sure. Did we already accomplish all of the re-bitings and unbitingings and everything? Did I bite Mr. Mastafli's gently on the shoulder? We can do that one after this, if you'd like Mr. Mistophiles sticking around.

I mean, I want it to be, I want to give it its time. Yeah, sure. It's going to be an intimate, sexy moment, and I think we got to really give it the space. I don't think it has to be sexy, but in the show, we give sexy moments time to breathe. The parchment he has spread out is a map of Ongrave. And on it, you can see sort of the features that you are familiar with that you have explored.

You see the Stranglemire, the ungentlewood. You see Lumineau, of course, at the heart of it. He points to the northern Cape of this peninsula, where Dracula's keep is built. And as you are well aware at this point, you see that it is surrounded on all of its sort of, you know, land sides by the unpassable Stranglemeyer. He says,

I'm not telling you anything you don't already know, but this is what you're looking for. You want to stop Dracula. You do it at his keep. Now, as you can see, there's a lot of unpleasant stuff surrounding it, vis-à-vis, a swamp that if you get in it, you die. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What a lot of people don't know is that before Angrave got as nasty as it is now, there used to be an iron mine operation.

and he slaps down a bit of like onion skin parchment on top of the northern cape. And when he does so, you can see a network of tunnels that sort of pass all through the Stranglemire all around, one of which you can see sort of inns just beyond the borders of the Stranglemite, Meyer to the north, nearby the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, the, he says, if you're looking for a way north, it doesn't go through the Stranglemire, you go underneath it. If you do that, you'll be able to get to Dracula's Castle. Not, again, I'm not going to sugarcoat it.

It's not the safest route. Safer than the swamp, though, that, like, swallows you up. The swamp that if you step in it, you die? Yeah. Yes, it's safer than the swamp that when you step in it. it, you die. Okay. But not much safer.

You see, the cult of the berry blood, they operate out of those tunnels. And they've sealed off all the entrances. I don't know how they're getting in and out of those things, but it's how they move around. All of Ongrave sort of unchecked. So it's possible to step in the tunnels and not immediately die? Yes. Okay. Sorry, I thought we were, I thought I had established that.

Yeah, no, you won't immediately die in the tunnels. Yeah, no, I'm just establishing sort of, like a sliding scale. Yeah. You know, to see where we're at. You won't immediately die. You will die eventually when the cult of the buried blood finds out that you're down in their zone.

Now, all the entrances are sealed off, but there is one entrance that I bet those cult weirdos don't know about. There's a quarry attached to the mine. And many, many, many years ago, it flooded. And if you find that quarry, find the entrance, you can get into that network of tunnels, and you don't have to worry about how those cultists are getting in and out. It's flooded, like I mentioned, and that is the bad part,

is that you'll have to go underwater to do that. I don't know if any of you are swimmers, you seem extremely buoyant, my wooden friend. But you will need to dive into the waters of the Black Lagoon. Okay, Black Lagoon, sounds lovely. Now, Chester, let me ask. me Wolfman. I don't like you very much. No, I understand that. Listen, but, okay, can I just say, I tried to handle it pretty peacefully. And, like, the tiger, the tiger laughs while wiping acid off of his fur.

I came up and it was like, yeah, tell me where, and then we'll leave. And you all popped off. You're the ones what tied me up, right? So, like, I came in and I said, hey, just give me information. We'll go. And you made it. We all made a lot of mistakes in the last 30. minutes, I think we can all agree. But Dracula is your friend, right man? Yeah, he's my best friend. Love that guy. The zany shit we've gotten into would fucking curl your toes if you knew about even the half of it. One time I hit an old lady with my car, well, Dracula's car, and she exploded and it was fucking crazy. And that was just like a Thursday night. Amazing. That must have been so traumatic for you.

Nah, man, I mean, I don't think it was a wear person, and so my conscience is fairly clear. And plus, like, I don't know, Dracula doesn't like love the nasty stuff. I do. I'm a nasty fucking freak, and so this huge, just old lady firework that she turned into was fucking wild, bud.

I wish I'd been there to see that. Oh, you probably, you don't seem to type to have enjoyed a sight like. that, my goodness. Oh, well, you would be surprised. I've seen my fair share of nastiness. Oh, sure. It's light of work.

Mm-hmm. The pudding they serve at the home. Yow! Zinger! Oh, you are a card. So how do you feel about your best friend hanging out with Frankenstein? Is that a good group dynamic for three of you? Give me an insight check. All of you can roll that if you'd like.

You're all looking. 17 plus 4.21. Fuck, yeah. 12. 8. But you clock him. He has this sort of like LMFAO persona that he is putting on that is unflapping. When you mention how he feels about him hanging out with Frankenstein, it falters for just a second and you catch it.

he looks bummed out. But he recovers and he says, Frankie is, yeah, I mean, he's got some big ideas. And, you know, Dracula's, you know, Dracula's like, he's a complicated dude. And I'm not telling you guys this because I think you can kill Dracula. But you do seem to determine.

sword and so maybe you might be able to stop him. He's the best. He's the best there ever was. Party fucking legend. But he has changed a bit in recent years and

I'm not wild about it and I do think Frankie has something to do with that. So if y'all can get in there and foil whatever nefarious plan he's got cooked up he'll be on some new shit and then in a century or so, I'm not worried about it.

But I wouldn't tell you all this stuff if I thought you could actually kill, kill, count Dracula. Sure. What is he into that's so nefarious? Man, I don't know. I don't know. Crypto scams?

Cryptocurrency, NFTs, all that shit. Are you quite sure you have nothing else useful to offer us? Um, do you know anything about these? And I hold out the bolts? that we got when Dracula got dusted? Make a... Lady God will make a persuasion check with advantage for the visual sort of reference.

A 20 and a 19. Wow. He says, yeah, no surprise here. Consider you're sporting a pair of them yourself. Those are Frankie's design. Yeah, I mean, Dracula seems very intent on this technology and what it's capable of. I said, so you can, you know, make a groove tube in the air that people can jam out to whenever they want. And he was like, oh, Wolfman, you don't get it, you're so stupid, that kind of stuff.

Oh, why would he say such a thing? You'd have to ask him. I want my best friend back. I didn't say that, just kidding. Y'all should get out of here. It's late. Thank you for having us. I very much appreciated.

No problem. Don't ever, ever come back, please. Thank you so much. I did heal the Mantar. That was very tasteful, I meant to say. The werewolf that chomped his bottom half pops his head in the door and goes, yeah, it was tasteful. Bazunga!

And then he runs away. Um, Wolfman says, it's late. Do you guys have a place to stay tonight? Oh. You know, I hadn't thought about it. Well, that sucks. Good luck out there. Uh, okay.

As you all make your way. Sorry, Justin, you look like you want to do something. Yeah. Okay. Is he coming with, is the Wolfman coming with us? No, fuck no. No fucking way. Oh, okay.

Well, then we'll stay in his office for one second. Oh, okay, cool. There is one more matter. Before we conclude our work here, you have been such a gracious host to us. But I do need one thing from you. What's that? Your last breath. Then I take out Jennifer Myers and I swing for the neck.

I mean, turn about is fair play, man. go ahead and roll your attack. That's a natural 20. Oh my God. Holy shit. Plus six. What? If there ever was a time.

Oh, Wolfman, no. That's an eight and a one. That's 12 is the damage on that. Is that a crit? Did you roll double damage? Okay. So we got a 10 and a 5.15.

Plus the damage modifier. Yeah, yeah. You... What is that plus? Well, it's doing it automatically. So in the role, it's adding the modifier, I believe. You

catch him completely by surprise. You see his eyes open wide as the axe comes swinging down and you bury it just above his clavicle. He is knocked off of the chair and goes flying against the wall, where you can see he has a bunch of the liquor license is framed up there, some pictures of him

and Dracula hanging out. He smashes into it and they all come tumbling down around him. As that happens, the Weir Tiger stands up from the couch and roars out loud. If you don't do some, something here. It's going to pop off again. What do you mean? What's going to pop off? What are you talking about? The Weir Tiger, you have not beheaded. Right. The wolf man. You have hurt him very, very badly. Yes. That is great news for me. I'm going to enter rage as a bonus action. Okay. And then I'm going to take you very kindly, Gryphon, level this up to level five right before it began, which for a barbarian means a second attack.

So I'm going to grab Jennifer Myers out of his throat and swing one more time. I'm just so pissed off. Yeah, sure, sure. 24. Yeah, that 24 definitely hits. The damage is the 12 plus 315. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I mean, yeah.

I mean, yeah. Tell me what happens, because that's enough. I pull the axe back out, and I swing one more time and lop the head off. And it goes tumbling across the floor. And I look at Muttner and I say, help yourself to the teeth. And then walk out of the room. Yeah, no, I'm going to do it. No, okay, hold on.

You don't walk out of the room. I'm sorry, run out of the room because of the tiger. You have the tiger between you and the door. So we're going to roll initiative here, Because now we're in a, now we are in, now we're fighting. Okay, but I did say that thing. And then I look at the tiger. I'm like, I have no quarrel with you.

My couch was with the wolfman. Okay. Let's give me, give me one minute, please. Is the weird tiger still pretty fucked up, right? Oh, the weird tiger's pretty fucked up. Yeah, for sure. He was at the edge of death. Can we have a chance to see if the wear tiger, before we roll an initiative,

Can we at least make sure that with his employer being dead, that he does want to go ahead and pursue this career? Especially as fucked up as he is. It seems like maybe this is an opportunity for a career change right now. Roll initiative, and if you guys succeed in doing that, then absolutely that can go that way. But you have just done one of the more sort of heinous acts I think we've seen on a Venture zone. Not unwarranted.

he hit you with a car so hard you exploded. Thank you. And then goofed about it. And then goofed ragged on you pretty hard. Yeah, for sure. I forgot juice. I'll be honest. I forgot who I was messing with when I was being the wolfman just there.

I forgot who Lady Gobbon was for a second. And you have just reminded me starkly. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, he did. A aforementioned fucking around. Yeah, absolutely. Okay. So go ahead and give me those initiative rolls.

Please. I got a 20. I got a 9. I got a 14. Okay. 29 and 14. Okay. He got an 11.

So first up, who got the 20? Juice? I did. Yes. Yeah. Juice, your first up to act. If you want to try and disarm this situation, you certainly can try to. I pull my axe out of the...

I feel like I swung so. hard with the second one that Jennifer Myers landed in the ground. And I take a second, I take a beat. With my action, take a beat, pull it out and just turn towards the Weir Tiger. You don't have to die here, but you will if you continue pressing on. And that's my intimidation role. So I'm going to roll intimidation. Yeah.

Do you have advantage on that as a barbarian? you have some sort of extra flavor for, you gain advantage on strength checks and saving throws. And I have some resistances, but I don't think. Okay. Roll your intimidation check, please. That is a critical failure. Yeah, man.

I mean, yeah, man, that's one that you've rolled. He doesn't like, you finish your sentence. Yeah, he is passionate. He is next up. He is next up to act. No, I love. Philo's up next. Oh, okay. Then yes, Philo, you are up next.

Philo, he's going to try sort of the same thing. He's going to step in front of the wear tiger. He's going to take a hold of the crystal around his neck, which he used to blast the tiger with that ray of sickness

that really fucked him up. Yeah, for sure. And say, I lost my rage, by the way. Yeah, I guess you didn't attack, sure. Hello, just to remind you, I really, really messed you up earlier. I am the one that has basically sent you

teetering over the precipice of death. So, as my wonderful friend here just stated to you, you have the choice of standing down, and I would assume inheriting this club. I see no one else in the inner circle here.

And you would take over the club and be alive as opposed to me blasting you again and you irping up all over yourself. Think about it. You could be

the head honcho. And I'm, I picked up, I pick up Wolfman's head as I say that, like some head humor. Sure, sure, sure. This sounds, there was some persuasion mixed up in there. I think ultimately this is intimidation. I will give you advantage on this for the crystal.

He is not happy to see that. So go ahead and give me intimidation with advantage. I think 15 or higher is what we're looking for here. It's high, but this is a hectic situation. You have a 20? You get advantage. You say 30, 20? No, it's a 9.

And a 2. No, you're a puppet, Dad. Yeah, that's true. Okay, he is going to act now. Even the most intimidating puppet, which is, of course, sloppy from goosebumps. It's only so, is only so scary, you know. So was that my only action? Yeah.

I mean, talking is a free action, but I think if you try to make a check like that, it counts as an action, right? I think so. While you look into that, I'm just going to say how impressed I am. Intiminating an opponent in combat is a standard action. I pulled the name of the dummy from goosebumps. I have chills right now. I know, Juice. That was huge for all of us.

Yeah. The Ware Tiger, he's going to leap forwards. He is going to multi-attack. First, he is going to try to just swing a big claw at you, Philo. That is a 15 versus AC. Interesting priority of threats that the Wear Tiger has said a lot. That is. I'm the one that screwy talk.

It's a right of signal. Take eight points of slashing damage and make a strength-saving throw for me. What have I got to get? 13 or higher. You got it. 16. Okay, he tries to launch you away, but he is unsuccessful. Now he is going to take a swing at you, Lady Godwin. Fair.

That is a 18 versus AC. Yes, that will hit. And he hits you for six points of slashing damage. You are up, Mutt. I cast one of my brand new spells in sneering strike. Yep. And I am going to fire my heavy crossbow at him. Okay.

And that is, what is that, 17 to hit? Okay. Yep. So first, it does 1D10 plus 4, so 8 points of damage. Okay. And now he needs to make a, let's see, B, B, B, B, B, B, B, they need to make a strength saving throw.

Okay. And B, a 15. They do not. That's 11. Okay, great. So he is restrained by magical vines, and the target takes 1D6 piercing damage to the start of its turn. Okay.

And it is restrained by the vines. Oh. And Mutzers, now, you had two. chances with them, right? And I didn't, I thought we was done. Revenge is done, but sorry, man. I hope it's no bad blood, Tony. I hope we're cool. You seem fine. He is on the brink of unconsciousness here. He is snared. You see vines that have sprouted, magically from the floor of this second story office, and they are holding him to the ground.

He seems well and truly defeated. All of you make a perception check for me, please. Very good. Yeah, 22. 15? 15? All of you clock out of this big broken window that Mutt leapt through earlier.

The employees that are cleaning up outside have stopped and are all looking in the window, including the security guards that are here. So, Tony, are we cool? If I let you down, will you tell them stand down everything's cool, or do I need to kill you? I'm not making a check. I'm just asking. No, I mean, I think in this situation, I will allow the check if you want to make a, is this intimidation again? No, I'm just asking. Okay, if you're just asking, then the answer is no. But if you want to put dice behind it, then... Okay.

Yeah, I mean, I guess it doesn't matter. Persuasion and intimidation. Okay. So intimidation. No, it's a five. Unfucking believable. He roars at the top of his lungs. Okay, I use my second attack.

Okay. So 10 plus 9, 19. Yeah, that hit plus 9. Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm a ranger. I guess so All right Four plus four eight

More points of down He goes down All right We should go now I pull out my vanpliers Though and I do take The Wolfman's teeth Yeah sure

And you know what The Tigers do While I'm at it You know what I mean Okay real quick Is do I see anything of value Yeah I just killed the wolf face

Got something in his pocket Something Does the Wolfman's got's pockets Does Wolfman's got pockets? He seems like he has some illegal cigars or something. So. Any weapons, anything? Pictures of loved ones.

Yeah, I mean, he's got lots of pictures of him and his former pal, Dracula. I mean, I guess every pal of his is now his former pal. Because you killed him dead. It's okay. Griffin, you made a bit, they're immortal. He'll pop back up. Any moment, right? Man, not this. Man, I'll go ahead and say, not this.

Just Dracula? Okay. I got a question. Did the Wolfman change forms when he was beheaded? Did he revert back? Oh, yeah. Good question. Did he not change back into a person?

I'll be honest, dad. The optics of that are so rough. I'm going to say no. He's, uh... Yeah. Okay, so give me... I'm going to do an investigation check. Okay, guys, I will say, if you want to do this, you can do this.

If bad checks here are going to mean slowness, meaning you are going to, the squad is going to roll up. I want to establish the stakes because we're having a lot of fun here, but you guys are in a place of business and you just killed two people in it. Not that they didn't entirely have it coming, but you are not going to be immune to the consequences of that in the middle of this werewolf nightclub. I want everybody to do their, I'm not trying to tell anybody how to do their business.

I feel very strongly that we should be leaving. Yeah, I'm taking the teeth and going. We got the information we needed, Wolfman. Weir Tiger down. I'm going to nibble on Mr. Mustafa please on my way out. Give me out. Sorry, I should have to let you.

Let's go out. We're going to have to go out the back door that there is. Yeah. There is a back door. That is where Mutt came in. Okay. You pop the wolf man's teeth out. And you all make a break for the back door.

give me hmm give me I will say you all I don't have the mat pulled up but the stairs

go down basically right to where the cats were playing poker you see Mr.

Mistophili is down there he is scooping up some of the goldfish into his bowl

it looks like when things popped off earlier the first time things popped off the cats

here kind of scattered and he is sort of collecting everyone's winnings um

you make, I want all of you to either make an acrobatics check as you sort of make a beeline for the door or an athletics check. Either sort of sprinting or jumping over the table or railing or whatever. I will give you your choice of these two things because there is a crowd of enemies sort of coming around the long way around the middle of this building. Okay. My acrobics check. Here comes. That's a 5 plus 2, 7.

It should be fine. I got a 16. Okay. I got a 10. Mut, you are first down the stairs. And Mr. Mustafa please says, What is going on? Sounds like quite a fracas up there.

Sorry, but I wish we had more time for this. And I dip him and nibble his shoulder. Okay. Okay. Yeah, he will allow that. With a 16 acrobatics check, you get down there enough time to move this along. He says, oh, wow. Okay. Goodness. All right. As you do that, what? Yeah? Your senses are spirited away. And you are no longer standing in the back of this nightclub called the werewolf. I just watched Griffin's face go from, do I have to do this for consistency's sake? And then, yeah, I guess I do have to do this for consistency's sake. Okay.

You are surrounded on all sides by dripping red. For a moment, you think this is hell or this is some bloody remains of a battlefield. What am I doing? and then you realize that the red that is dripping is marinera sauce. And you see standing in front of you a big round orange cat and you piece it together. You're standing in the plane of lasagna. And this big, rascally orange cat in front of you smiles and says, Do you want to live deliciously?

Oh, man. Oh, but I wish I could say yes, man, but I'm more of a dog person. Whatever. He lays down and just starts eating lasagna out of the ground. Okay. You are spirited back to the back room. And you feel the where kitty curse has lifted. Did you see God?

Did you see him? Yeah. Yeah, I did, man. He was eating the planet? You should go. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, we're going to scoot. Okay. With your all's rolls, you are able to make it out of the back room. I'm going to say, who had the slowest roll there? It's May I add a seven. Seven, make a dexterity saving throw for me. They're going to take some pot shots at you specifically as you... 17 plus 2.19.

Okay, yep. As you all throw open that back door and sprint out, you dodge a salvo. of crossbow bolts that come in your direction, and you make your way out into the woods. I think you all are going to have to sort of dead sprint away from this situation to try and get out of it. However, you are in the middle of the ungentle wood at night being pursued by many werewolves

and wear creatures of different stripes. I guess mutt, you're probably leading the charge on this. What are you doing? to kind of... Yeah, yeah. I have something I would like to do before we completely split. Okay. Can I do that?

I have a spell to cast. Okay. I have a spell to cast. Okay. I cast magic mouth on the door that we just went through. Okay. And implant a message within that door. And the trigger will be if somebody approaches the door.

I mean, instantly. As soon as Lady Goblin goes through it, she has pursued. by not a bear, but several werewolves and a gorilla and, uh, yeah. All right. And the door will say, because it's magic mouth, it, uh, it announced, it makes an announcement. It makes a statement. Okay. What's it say?

It says, uh, hey everybody. It's all right. Let them go. We're cool. We're cool. Okay. Gotta do it. Got to try.

Got to try. Yeah, man. For sure. So this is coming from the. door of the wolfman's office. Yeah. Okay. Okay, great. I think this is going to be a deception check. I think that it is very, very clever, and so I will grant you advantage on it.

Why is it a deception check when it's a spell I cast? Oh, because the wolfman's been beheaded. And so the spell works. The spell works, but you are coming up with a lie that anyone who was looking in the window, you know, a minute ago knows is definitely. not fucking true. They just saw mutt pick up the wolfman's head and pull his teeth out. So go ahead and give me a deception check with advantage. Well, that's not going to do it.

That's a seven. And that's an 11. Okay. Listen, you all are able to get away, right? I think what this gambit does is give you a little bit more breathing room, right? With an 11, I will say that most of the crew here doubles back and goes to check the office, but you all are definitely still being pursued at sort of sprinting speed through the woods at night. It's just going to be a little bit easier than it was otherwise.

So, first of all, Mutt, what are you doing to sort of... I have three words left in my message. Okay, go ahead. Ouch, my head! Okay, cool. Mutt. As soon as we hit the edge of the four. Forest. Sorry, sorry. No, like you are, this is a big forest and you are being chased.

No, no, no. I mean, like, because it was a clearing. Going into the forest. When we enter the forest. Yeah, yeah. I am going to cast Summon Beast, which is a new spell. Thank you. Cool.

I'm going to make a little spiritual sloppy. Okay. He's never been. very religious, but I would say Sloppy's pretty spiritual. And I'm going to have him run off in the opposite direction while we stop and hide. Okay, cool. I like that. I think that, first of all, where's Lady Aggie?

This is a slow dog. You left Aggie, you're right, sorry, you left Aggie at the other side of the clearing. You are, you may have some. we can say that you ran towards lady. This is the same exit. We went out the back exit. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. You're right.

You're 100% right. Okay. So this is going to help you all. I need a group stealth check here. If this is what you're doing, trying to hide and wait for these, you know, wear creatures to pass by. And we will take the highest role on this. That is the advantage I will grant you for this diversion.

Okay, I got a 14. Okay. Six for me. Want a stealth check? Yeah. I will roll a percentage check. That's a 7 plus 2.9. Okay.

I'm contesting this with... What did you get, Tram? 14? I got a 14. You watch as several, now torch-wielding where people go sprinting around. There are a couple of close brushes where they walk very close to this sort of ditch. that you all have taken up hiding in. But after laying there for about 15 minutes or so,

things quiet down and the figures retreat back to the warehouse. I give a little tongue click to let Agu know that everything's safe. Okay. So she comes. Sondra. I got bit by a cat, girl. I was like a wear cat for a second. No, not anymore.

Your smell? Oh, so? Well, anything good to happen out here? The dog can't talk. What do you do? I don't know. You started doing it. No, you started doing it.

No, you were Rassan and me. Okay. What a wonderful world you've created. All right, everybody, we're interrupting again. Sorry. We'll let you get back to the hijinks and adventure and, I don't know, emotional moments. Whatever. None of that matters right now because I'm talking.

And I'm talking about the maximum fun, max fun drive. It's the time of year once a year where we come to you for two weeks and say, hey, do you like the shows that we make? Do you want to support us financially? Great. Thank you. Go to maximum fun.org slash join. You pick a level that works for you.

You commit to that level for once a month support. Bing, bang, boom. We get to keep making the stuff that we like to make and that you like to hear. Yeah. And we've been doing this now for, let's see, my brother, my brother and me has been doing it for 14 years. Taz has been doing it for 10. This is our 10th. Yes.

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Each one is themed to a different Maxfund show that you can pick from. Yeah. So, you know, that's just, that's just kind of the starting point. Super sharp to these pins. We've gotten certain guarantees that the pin sharp part of these, like the needle part of the pin, sharp as hell. NINCES could use them. Yes. You can pop so many balloons at this.

No problem. At $20 a month, there's, now the path diverges. Now there's a split in the world. Now you've got to make a choice. Yeah. Now you have to choose. You can either get a really cool Max Fun bucket hat, which is extremely cool to keep you cool. Or also, we've got a really cool games on the go.

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and hopefully in this year too. The ad market for podcasts and a lot of different media sort of avenues has really crumbled over the last couple of years. A bit of a dust bowl. A bit of a dust bowl. One might say, maybe it was over farmed. We didn't rotate.

Listen, listen. Our crops. We're not here to talk about the sustainability of the podcast advertising market. That's that's their problem. And by there, I mean, I guess the business people. And the people who don't have like supporters like Max Fund does. Exactly.

And agronomists. You know, that's their problem too. Agronomists get out there and start, you've been slacking for too long. We are only able to do this show and do it the way we want to do it at the level we're able to with the consistency we're able to do it because of y'all. And so I ask if you like this show and the, the, work that we do has any kind of meaning whatsoever in your life. You can support it and help us make it so directly by going to maximum fund.org slash join. Thank you all very, very much. And here's the rest of the episode. We'll be back right at the end to talk to you one more time. It is late. You all

have had a big day. You can't remember the last time you all felt this tired. It's, It's easily 3 a.m. by the time that the situation here calms down. But you are able to catch your breath a little bit. And I'm good at foraging. Yeah, so I guess like what do you all do? What is your priority here? If you don't get some rest, you all are going to start accruing exhaustion, which is not something that you really want in D&T.

I make a mutter surprise, which is. Are you all setting up camp? Are you like, what are you, like, where we're? Are we far enough away where it feels safe, I guess would be the question. I mean, if you all want to make a survival check to try and, like, determine that. Yeah, I'll do that. Or a perception check. Here we go.

13. Wait, hold on. I have. Advantage, yes. Yes. Oh, okay. Well, the 13 is still higher than my Nat 1. the other two

want to make a perception or survival check just trying to find like a safe place to set up camp before the night Oh man I got a four How about a zero? I got a zero I've never seen that before Mac Yep

minus one on wisdom And I rolled a one Yeah we have absolutely I have four Dad and I have absolutely no idea No idea Philo bursts into flame Right

Yeah Fowlo walks over to a big mound and says, this looks good and it's like a fire ant hill. Here's your campfire. With a 13, you find a spot that looks pretty good. You don't, it is not the like, how safe does Mutt usually like to be whenever he is like doing this? Like, like covered on three sides with a roof, ideally, you know what I mean?

Right. I think that you know you are in the middle of the ungentle wood and that if where creatures come looking for, you. It's not out of the realm of possibilities that someone could find you, but you find like a, um, you find like a cliff face here that you can kind of post up in and at least have some like something at your back, uh, just, just to have sort of, and I like dig down to the fire below the level, so it's harder to see from further off. Okay. Uh, I mean, all of this is, is taking you all more, more time, but you are able to set up a camp here that you feel pretty good about. What do you all do? You all have a beat here. If you want to tell me how you are sort of

spending your downtime here, I imagine a long rest will be part of it. Well, one, I forage to make money a surprise, which is just whatever you could find and you put it in a stew. Roll a survival check for me for that. 12 plus 7, 19 plus 2. So 20. 21 total. Jesus. Okay. I mean, with a 21 total, you find Whole Foods that is open in the middle of the woods. That's one of us.

And it's like Top Chef in there. Amazing. You just go crazy. You come back with lobster and foie gras and Lingdon. Surprise. It is a surprise. Okay. Yeah, I mean, that's a good numby meal.

That's going to help you all out with the recovery here. I also string the new teeth onto a, the string of teeth that I keep in my back. How many teeth do you have on there? It's for a gentleman never asks. It sounds like a lady never tells. Yeah, okay, fine. All right.

Lady Godwin, how are you doing? Because you have just... I'm just sitting and looking at the fire. You know, it's funny. The other ladies, they tried to warn me. Seeking out vengeance when I obtained it. would not be the satisfying experience that I had been hoping for, that it wouldn't bring me the closure that I seek.

Yeah. And? They were wrong. Oh, cool. I feel half better. Oh, okay. There were two. It was Tractyl and the Wolfman, and I set out to smite them.

to bring them down in their life. And now I feel like half of that is done, and I feel half better than I did before. I'm extremely excited to kill Dracula. Oh, I could have told you that, man. Muttner's have been murdered a lot, but we've also then murdered back a lot. It's cool, man.

Revenge does get a pot wrap, doesn't it? What's nice is I like closing that chapter. You know what I mean? Because it's like, well, that's done. and then a big checkmark. You know what I mean? I hear, when one goes seeking out vengeance,

dig two graves, that's what they say. But I like digging graves. Yeah, exactly, man. I dug two graves. So one is for Dracula, and the other is for the wolfman. And maybe a smaller one for the wolfman's head.

You know what I mean? Oh, it's not funny. I hasn't even thought of that. You don't want to put them together. What if they like back to you? together, you know what I mean? That is so well observed. Yeah, you gotta, sometimes monsters will do that when you're like cut them apart and then

they're like back together. You've got to be careful with that shit. But I find people talk about feeling better like, oh, it's going to give you good feelings, which maybe it does or make you not worry about it anymore. But I just like it being done, you know, just a finished task that's one last thing on the list. I'm excited to think about other things, honestly. Yeah.

Hobbies? I have other interests. I have, frankly, I haven't attended to my finances for some years. I should revisit that to look into my business affairs, my social contact. All of it. It's been absolutely consumed. Perhaps the greatest tragedy. The greatest wrong done to me by Wolfman, God rest his soul, and Dracula, is all the time I've had to waste coming to kill them.

Yeah. It's quite exhausting. Laborious. Absolutely. Laborious is the word. You are a hero. You are definitely. Although,

although biblically speaking, Oh, here he goes. Vengeance is mine, sayeth the Lord. But you do you. He works. Lady G. In mysterious ways. Yeah, maybe Lady G was the tool that the Lord used to smite.

Absolutely. Vengeance is mine and I'm letting you borrow it for the day. I'm a big believer in determinism. Yes. I agree. Yes. Lord Jesus. Why didn't you?

you killed the wolfman and why did you make the fair lady godwin to it well i sent lady godwin to do the vengeance for me there you go i'm extremely busy because i would say that if the lord didn't want like didn't want lady godwin to kill the wolfman he could have done some pre-vengence and killed the wolfman before he exploded her body could god have made a wolfman so dead that i even i couldn't kill him there you go perhaps hold on hold on hold on one second, let me check. Boy, is this cool? Is it?

Okay. Make a religion check for me, please. Religion check. I, uh, how does a, well, that's a nine. Okay, with a nine, you just hear, no! It was a little, oh, it had a little trouble understanding, but it, it doesn't sound like it's, we have to just keep our hearts open. Keep looking for the truth, wherever, however, this god of yours, whatever he or she or they might feel, I, I suppose you have to, or it, or it, yes.

Maybe God was the friends we made along the way. Oh, isn't that funny? Did you come up with that? Yes, I did. If you think about it for a minute, your name is God wins. Yeah. God wins. God wins.

Oh, yeah, man. Congratulations Judeo-Christian God God's not dead but the wolf man is So you all get saved We rededicate our lives To the Lord Jesus Christ Okay

Now have some lobster and foie gras stew You Yeah not a bad way for this night to end A message to people who are maybe offended By this sort of Christian humor If you didn't want us to make so many jokes about Jesus you shouldn't have let us learn so much about when we were little kids.

Yeah, that's true. You gave us all the clues, Mr. Policeman. You told us all of it. People are just handed that stuff out at Sunday school. You don't think about the repercussions. I'm giving it to some goobers. Give it some goobers.

So you all, I assume, settle in for a long rest here. Yes. I am going to one more time before I go to sleep. Do, where is it here? Beast sense. Yes. Tragically, you did swap out your alarm spell, which of all the times that that would have come in handy.

I would say this is probably one of them. Uh, and, and on, on Aggie, so she can keep guard and we can rest. Now, it only lasts an hour, but. Okay. Well, I'm not sure that that's going to do a ton, but, um. There's somebody's seen. Better than a kick in the throat. Yeah.

Sure, sure. Okay. Um, you all go in for a long rest. You are, before we go in for the long rest. Yeah, yeah. I am going to do two actions. Okay. Because I still have an infusion I can create before I have a long rest,

because I'm allowed to do two at a time. I am going to cast enhanced defense on Lady Godwin's clothing. Okay. Which means the Lady Gobwin gets a plus one bonus to armor class while wearing that clothing. Okay, cool. And the bonus increases to plus two when I reach 10th level, but I'm not there yet. Well, how long are we going to sleep? You sleep for six years.

And then I am also going to create an experimental elixir. Okay. You're just sort of checking off all of your slots. before you... Yeah, and then when we get up in the morning, I'm gonna do them both again. Wow, okay, cool. Because after a long rest, I get them.

So experimental, this is the one where our roll of D6, and whatever that number is, we add that elixir to our... Okay, I do just want to establish you can't make another infusion in the morning. You have all three spoken for at this point, so you would need to remove some of them in order to create more.

I just realized, too, that I don't need magic to do shit. I have like stuff. So I'm going to use some rope and my hunting trap. Sure, yeah, yeah. Some different equipment and shit to like make some alarms and some catches. Okay, why don't you work on that with a survival check? You can add your proficiency bonus to that. And we'll see what did you get on your D6, Dad?

Okay, a five. And that is flight. The drinker gains a flying speed of 10 feet for 10 minutes. Great. I love that. Okay, so mark that in your inventory. With a 19 on that survival check, you are able to... A plus 2, a 21.

You were able to set up a perimeter around your sort of like cliff face campsite here that you feel pretty secure. If something tries to come through here, you will know about it. Okay. If that is all of the business, you all settle in for a long rest. That is different for you now, Brother Philo. In your puppet form, you are inactive and motionless when you rest, and you appear inert, but you are not unconscious when you rest.

This is the centuries rest feature that you have. And you can see in here as normal. So as you are sort of motionless and just kind of like idly watch, watching this scene around you, keeping an eye out, a figure appears next to you by the campfire, and you see Abraham Van Helsing sitting next to you, and he says, I must admit, you handled yourself very well back there. The Wolfman has been a quarry of my own for some time, and you all handled him with ease, it seems. I mean, it seems like the big lady did most of the work.

But, um... Well, I mean, yes, Lady Godwin did quite a bit, but I also contributed with my acid and my, you know, giving them a really bad, you know, flu, so, you know, six of one, half a death is in the other, and might help. You know,

polish off the wear tiger. You too. Your understanding of the physical sciences are impressive, Philo. I may have misjudged you. I apologize for my part in making

that encounter more difficult than perhaps it needed to I know, I know. Brother Van Helsin, I have absolutely no ill feelings. I understand your concerns. You would like to have this form back, and I would love for that to happen. I am giving you my vow that if it is all possible for me to vacate this little wooden body, I will give it back to you gladly. I appreciate this. I am not quite sure how this works. This process, it exceeds even my considerable scientific expertise. But I suppose our interests are aligned.

And if you would like, perhaps I could be more of assistance to you than a hindrance in the future. I may not be able to help you with blade or fist, but my mind is still sharp. I can lend to you

my expertise where it is applicable. But if I do this for you, I want you to someone in your profession is well acquainted with O.

I assume? Well, I assume. Yes. I am very well. If you vow to me not to waver from your goal to slay Dracula for once and for all, then I will aid you however I can. Hmm. Well, to be honest with you,

that's not entirely my goal. My goal is somewhat different from the others. I am here to aid them, and I am all in favor of doing whatever I can, but my purpose in coming to Luminow is to find a cure for the turbocard. And if I have to sway off that, to kill Dracula, I don't know if I can make that commitment. I would be happy to kill him if before that I can find the cure for the vampirism of Turbacardinal.

I just want to be up front. You know, I have found with disembodied spirits, it's best to be honest. You can tell that you were not telling him what he wanted to hear, but as you sort of talk about, like, having a kind of like, purpose here, you do sway him a bit. Why don't you make a persuasion check with advantage here for me? He was really looking for an oath from you, but in lieu of that, I think the reasoning that you have given him is, I think he would find it quite strong. Well, that's a Nat 20. Okay. Well, hell yeah. Wow. He says, perhaps I let my own search for vengeance.

cloud my judgment. You know, they say that you go out looking for revenge, you should dig two graves. I've never heard that before. Yes. Is that a new thing?

Is that something... I just came up with it. Did you really? Van Helsing-Rudgy. Right off the dome. That is remarkable. Okay. In times of need,

I... I shall vow to you that I will help you however I can. And he looks down at the fire and in a flicker of firelight, he vanishes. You are going to inherit the lucky trait, brother Philo. When rolling a one on an attack or a check or a saving throw, you re-roll the dice and take the new result. And that will be moments in which Abraham Van Helsing, famed vampire hunter and physician will come to your aid.

Wonderful. I love it. Make a perception check for me. That's an 18? You hear it, you hear the sounds of branches snapping and dry leaves crunching before you see the sort of trip wire alarm systems. that Mutt set up begins to rattle and shake. And I will also say that this awakens you, Mutt,

and Lady Godwin, you can give me a perception check if you'd like to see if it also wakes you up. Got a two, good night. You are fucking sleepy, dude. You had a big, big day. You had a big, big day. You had a big day, champ. The trip wire alarm goes off, but you don't see

what has set it off. Oh, no. Invisible man? Are you up? Are you awake? Oh, fuck, yeah. I'm up and away. Okay. I'm one beat away from firing wildly into the darkness. I mean, you don't hear anything,

except for the rattling of your tripwire system here and more sort of crunching of leaves, but you certainly don't see anything sort of entangled in your trap. Okay, I'm looking for footprints, disturb branches, anything I can see just scanning where the sounds coming from. I'm trying to pinpoint this bastard.

Sure, give me a, uh, give me a perception check. That's a not 20. Holy shit, man. Holy shit, man. You see, I mean, a human-shaped outline in the trip wires.

You see so clearly. where the Invisible Man is. Some of the cans that you were using had some, you know, fluid left over inside of them, they splatter. I tackle him. You tackle him? Yes. Okay, make an attack roll for me.

Two. Certainly I must have advantage. No. You dive forward and at the last second, they disentangle from the trip wires and all you do, you grab forward and you can feel yourself grabbing onto a wrist. But you are just a hair too slow. And they pull away as you get wrapped up in your own tripwire trap.

You see footsteps. When I touch that wrist, when I touch that wrist, I cast 100 cents. Oh. Is that an action or a bonus action? That is a bonus action. Okay. All right. I will allow it.

You mark him. But you are unable to keep with him. He goes sprinting off into the woods as you are entangled. It tells me if it has any damage, immunity, resistance, or vulnerabilities, and what those are. And as long as long as, it is not hidden from divination magic. I mean, I think being invisible might do that, but I will check that out later.

So, well, we can resolve that next time. The invisible man gets away. But as you sort of untangle yourself from the trap, you look down in your hand, and you realize you have ripped something off of their arm as you grab them. you see a small bracelet simply made with string and some beads on it. It is a friendship bracelet.

And the beads have letters, and you are able to read them. By the flickering firelight, you read the friendship bracelet. It says, Chupacabra Maximum Fun A Worker Owned Network Of Artist-owned shows Supported directly by you

Wait, wait, wait, wait, come back, come back Don't leave. No, please don't leave Because, yes, you've heard us talking about the support that you can give us All the different ways that you can support the Max Fun Drive But I also want to tell you about some more stuff that you get

Because here at the Macrae family industries Where science and art connect We have done a couple of bonus goals for when the Max Fun Drive hit certain levels. At 3,000 when we hit that, we did our fungalore. Here's Your Wishes Live,

which you can watch over the MacroFamily YouTube channel. And I can't stress enough. It's not live now because it was why I did. I did what I do want to say. When I was watching a stream, I was making myself a little salad, I'm getting choked up.

And I couldn't open up my bottle of ranch dressing. Ooh. And so I asked fungalore in the chat, to help me open up all the range dressing, 10 seconds later it was open. That was true. So it's real, folks. Yeah, this is real.

Well, he doesn't grant, okay, he doesn't grant the wishes. He just hears them. 6,000 new and upgrading members, and we hit that, we put out a bonus Starfield, Monster Factory Starfield that had Scuzz Light Year in it.

Gotta find out about Scuzz Light Year. We hit 9,000 this weekend, and we put up the WikiHOW article that we wrote and illustrated about how to... Travis Illustrated it. I do not want any... it for that.

No, no, I wouldn't share it if you paid me. But that article all about how to avoid talking to people you know in public, you can check that out now on the Macquarie family website. And we are getting very close to 12,000 and at 12,000 new and upgrading members. We're going to play the first level of Celeste with me, Justin and Griffin, each controlling one aspect of the game. So usually move, jump action. We each take one of those.

As soon as, like, when we air that, we're hoping to be able to do. that stream on Thursday if we hit it. We'll see. Yeah, make sure you check the Macquarie family Instagram to find out. And if we hit 15,000 new and upgrading members, then me and Griffin will watch Avatar for the first time with Justin and we'll record our real-time reactions and questions. And we're talking the Blue Navi version. Yeah, the Blue Navi version of that.

Not Airbender. No, no, no. And you'll be able to listen to that as a commentary track with me and Griffin asking Justin what in the world is going on. One last thing on Friday at 1 p.m. Eastern Time we'll be hosting a pizza party live stream on our YouTube channel to celebrate the drive and just kind of hang out all of those things. You can find out about all of them at the Macaroy.family or follow Macroy family on

Instagram. It's all just a bunch of ways for us to say thank you for all the support, not just this year, but every year since we started doing the Max Fund Drive. And we really do appreciate you all very, very much. You've made it possible for us to hang together and me not have to get up at 3.30 in the morning. I was going to say because of y'all, because of the Max Fund Drive, there's a direct correlation between the support we've gotten in the Max Fun Drive and the fact that our dad doesn't have to wake up at 3.30 to drive up Radio Mountain, country music TCR anymore. So thank you all so much for that. Maximumfund.org.org slash join is the link. And just a couple days left. So if you've been thinking about it, if we've thought about it at all while we've been doing these breaks over the past couple weeks, now is your change.

Thank you all so much. Do your dance. Do your dance. Yes.