The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 13

Episode Date: April 4, 2024

The Dracula hunters crack a cold one with a fishman and a basketball as they prepare to cross the Black Lagoon. Phileaux takes a dip. Godwin shotguns it. Mutt gets crafty. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear, Dyeri, I will be the first to admit that to the outside observer, Ongrave is a pretty spooky place. And sure, as it's regent, I am somewhat to blame for that. But it's hard to sympathize with that heath-chattering babies who can't handle the occasional monster encounter because I'm only afraid of one thing. And, well, as that... and vindictive as that thing may be.

I neutralized it years ago. Well, okay, two things. I don't like little bugs. Yarn. No thanks. You can keep them. I always feel like you'd have like kisses, like some kind of like, okay, love you, bye.

It is a diary, so I don't know. You don't sign off your diary? I don't sign off my diary with kisses to my future self. That would be wild, yeah, for sure. I sign off all of mine. I sign off all of mine. Thank you, Reader, because I just assume it someday it will be published as like... I start all my journal entries with Dear History.

Yeah, exactly. So... Mine is, Dear Future Husband, here's some things you need to know. The three of you have just had a somewhat disturbed night's rest by an encounter with the Invisible Man. But you have... Okay, yeah. No, and then you all got down with the sickness. We're trying to sleep, and that guy's like,

ooh, ah, it's three in the morning. That's actually the sound the invisible man makes. We reference between Down with the Sickness references and disturb references, we reference that too much. We do. It's an outsized amount for the year, 2024. You all have had a long rest, so go ahead and do that to your characters.

Rest them up, get all those tasty spell slots Okay, I'm going to do my daily ritual of concocting an experimental elixir. Okay, cool. So I roll a... D20? No. No, a six. What was it?

I can't read it as... It is a one. A one, okay. That would be a healing. Okay, strict healing. Cool. Elixir regains a number of hit points equal to two D. and your intelligence modifier,

so I'll add that to the oldest. That may come in handy. Griffin and I've added the Chubacabra friendship bracelet to my collection of teeth and trophies. Yeah, it's a magic item, unless you fly, and shoot a laser. No, I'm just doing that for flavor. Yeah, sure, sure, sure.

You know, it's going to be obviously a huge plot point. It was introduced as a cliffhanger at the end of the last episode. Yeah, no, the cliffhangers always introduce huge plot point, It's like the fact that your dad is a crossbow bowl, and we definitely will come back to that. Yeah. You all walk through what would normally be the morning, but it's always night and on grave,

until you pass the borders of the ungentle wood and trapes down the road a bit toward the Black Lagoon. And after a few hours journey, you arrive. You approach a sort of gentle hill rolling downward towards a horseshoe-shaped body. of water bordered on all sides by a towering wall of shale rock. True to its name, the waters of this lagoon are black as pitch, clouded by runoff and peppered with sort of wooden debris from this quarries, this flooded quarry's fallen mining operations. Where the land cuts into this lagoon, you all can see a pretty shoddy-looking dock that has been constructed. leading out into the water.

And at the base of that dock, a similarly, like, shoddy, handcrafted boathouse. There is a small boat with an onboard motor at the end of this dock sitting motionless on the oily waters of the Black Lagoon. There's also a soft glow emanating from, through the windows of this boathouse. The lights are on inside,

but you all are still a good distance away up this hill, down into where the lagoon sits. And for the reader, why are we here? You all have come to the Black Lagoon after a tip from the dearly departed wolfman that the iron mines that run underneath... Departed from his head. Can allow you to pass through the Stranglemire towards Dracula's Castle.

And the only entrance that he knows of that you have access to is this flooded quarry. that is now the Black Lagoon. The iron mines are where the cult of the buried blood have taken up residence and the way that they move around. Nobody seems to know. But this is your way in to a tunnel system that can lead you to Dracula's castle. Listen. Yeah. Listen, man, I know we're on our way to, like, fight Dracula and Gasson.

This place is gorgeous. Like, you ever seen, like, a lagoon? Like, what was it, Black Lagoon? You ever see anything like this before? Blackwater? It has a certain nobility of certain. It's a little grimy for my taste. I just think it's a good place for a resort, maybe one of the all-inclusive resorts.

I just think it's amazing how nature will take it back, like stuff like this where like, you know, man kind of came in and, let's be honest, fucked it up, right? Dug a big old pit or whatever. And nature was like, I'm going to make something beautiful out of this. This is heartbreaking to me. I'm just now realizing the two. of you have never experienced anything approaching elegance. But this is terrible.

Look around at it. It's rather filthy. Have you three ever tried Cannape? Who's the third one? Who is our third? Oh, the dog? The dog. Yes, why?

Oh, Aggie, yeah. No, Aggie's had Canopay. She loves that shit. She's a classy bitch. And I can say that because she's a female dog. But I've never had it before, not for me. I'm a simple man. Simple taste. Simple thirst. That's why I drink.

I, too, I just gruel. We had a lot of gruel at the abbey. I have never had a can of pee before. I can't decide whether or not I should be incredibly sad for you, which I am, or jealous that the merest, the merest delight could be unto you like a miracle. Imagine if someone gave you a baked Alaska, for example. you'd probably lose your mind. You can bake a state? Amazing.

Whoa. Alaska's estate? It's like, now listen. Hold on. It's like hyper-evolved chimps. I understand that this mission to kick Dracula's ass and take his teeth or what have you is all important.

Is it urgent though? Because we could take a side journey and go somewhere classy like you're describing. You could introduce it to all this stuff if you want. My hope is that before our time together has ceased, I will be able to show you the true upper crust of Engrave because this, my friends, we call this the Redneck Riviera

is how we talk about the Black Lagoon. Oh, I love that. That sounds great. It's a trashy vacation spot. I love that. Do they have a wings? Is there a wings nearby? There's three wings and an eagle.

Oh my God. There's a wings beet shop, an eagle beat shop, and a surf bum emporium. Is there somewhere? We could get a conch shell with googly eyes. Goodbye, a hummit crab at the mini-golf. They got somewhere where I can get a beer that's a yard long. I feel like if I talk about this more, I'm going to contract psoriasis. Well, then we should...

Let's keep this in mind for a follow-up mission. Moving forward, though. Maybe a live show. You better believe I've written SideQuest, experience luxury in my notes. Okay. Hey, so you guys didn't actually do anything. Oh, and then I walked down the hill. Didn't we, Griffin?

No, you did. You delighted a nation. But what are your characters now do about this? If you guys want to duck out and head to, you know, a food store to get fancy food, that's fine. I'm going to knock on the Boothouse store, see what's popular. Oh, wow. Okay. Yeah, I mean, at this point, Grimps is.

Griffin, all we've seen is we need to get into the place. We got to swim through the water. Here's a welcoming glow in a boathouse. Yeah. Seems like we could get help there. Like, of all the stuff we've encountered so far, this all seems pretty straightforward and nice. I have a D&D rule.

You want to hear my D&D rule? If there's only one door, go in it. Go right there. Yeah, I love that. You walk up to the door of the boat house and knock on it. as you do, the door sort of rattles precariously, as it is so shittily made. You hear a splash from inside and the creaking of floorboards.

And then the door is thrown open and off of its hinges, which was just two sticks out, inward, ripped inward. And you see standing before you a creature. a man-shaped creature, perhaps at some point, maybe a sexy fish man a la shape of water in his time, but now what you see before you is a six and a half foot tall, scaled creature who is just sort of ashen-scaled and sullen-eyed,

and as he opens the door and looks at you, he licks his lips, uh, and is panting. Hey, hey man, what's, uh, I'm Crawford and Butner. You can call me my, everybody does. What's up? How, hey, hello. He, he broke your door. He looks at you hungrily. And then he leans down and picks a bucket of water up off the floor and dumps it on himself. And you see a little bit of life returning. to this fishman, and he says,

it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm Gordon Clearwater. And welcome to my lagoon. And my boathouse. Come on in, come on in. He gestures you into his boathouse. Can you have room for all of us? It'll be tight, but the more the merrier, as well, we say.

Brother Philo casts men on the door to fix it as a gesture of goodwill. Okay. Let me get that for you. Here. You mend the door. It's really just two sticks acting as the hinges. So, I mean, you fix it as good as you think you can, but it's entirely likely that you are going to destroy this thing on your way out. Just giving away your spell slots.

He says, oh, that was a can trip. Oh, thank God. Okay, thank God. He said, can I make you a cup of? Tea? A couple what? Oh, tea? I will pass on the fish tea.

Thank you so much for this. It's a regular tea with leaves and everything. Go on then, yes, of course I'll have a couple. Three cupers. Oh, four. Gotta make one for my wife, Elizabeth. He points in the corner, there's just like a basketball there. He goes over to the Black Lagoon and scoops his bucket up in it.

And he pours some more on himself. And then he scoops up another bucket. So there's a hole in the floor, right? I mean, it's a boat house. So the back wall is just exposed to the water. Okay, I got you. He walks over and he takes his bucket and he pours it in a trash can with some kelp in it. And he just kind of like picks it up and shakes it a bunch and it sloshes all over the place.

And then he pours it into three cups and hands it to you all. So I bring it to my special legion, my little watery gold. Well, be honest, ma'am. We've got to swim down in it, get through it to the other side. You know what I mean? Oh, it's going for a little late. night swim in the black lagoon. It's technically morning, but yeah,

I could see. I lose track. No clerks. Never learned how to retaned myself. Isn't that right, Elizabeth? Does Elizabeth say anything? No, it's a basketball. Hey man, we're living in a magical world

with a fish in and wolf and stuff, and you're you want me to assume the basketball doesn't turn? Good point. Sorry, I don't believe we've been introduced. Where is this? Elizabeth? Oh, she's right there in the corner. Can't you tell from her distinctive colour? Oh, she's sort of...

Bright orange. An orange, yeah. Beautiful. Hmm. How did you two meet? Was it? How did you two meet? I'm a sucker for cute stories of young love.

It's adorable. I had to go to them all because I had to return some blue jeans at the gap. And so I went there and I was looking around and I thought, you know, I may have let myself go a little bit. Maybe I should go and take up jogging. And so I did, I went over to the Dick's sporting goods and I saw her across the aisle and I thought, there she is. There she is, my lady love. Oh, that is. That is a story for the ages.

I had to buy. That's a tale as oldest time even, I had to buy her. I'll be honest. At the beginning of that story, I did not think it would be as long as it turned out to be. Oh. My apologies. It paid off in romance. And I love that.

Yes. This is weird. This is strange. You all just wanted into my home. It started sort of thrilling me. You invited us. You invited us in. Yes.

I didn't really know you're going to give me the third degree on my basketball wards. I'm just getting to know your basketball. So you see a ball as well. What's that? You see a ball? Yeah, he's a ball. I see a ball because he's a ball. That's a good point.

Do you have any children? Are there any, like, handballs around? You tell me how that. You tell me how everyone. Shut up. Any ball boys? Puppet man. First of all, that's weird.

I realize now every character that interacts with you, you guys does need to take a beat to be like, one of you's a puppet. Otherwise, the veris mill, too, just collapses. I would say that's weird, but my watch for basketball, so who am I? Gordon Cleawater. You need to make your way over to...

You gotta go through the tunnels? You're trying to get into the iron man. You all ate those buried... Weirders, are you? No, no, no. Man, we're... I would say in opposition to them. You know what I mean?

Like, you don't like them. Uh, we don't like them either, so. All right. That sounds good enough for me. I'll tell you what, I can get you through the waters in the back of the cogoon. Oh, cool. It's not great for swimming. I love it.

That's a wet talker, huh? Like, a really wet talker. Like, I get it. Actually, as he is talking to you, you see his scales growing like, like more and more and more gray. And actually, he goes, oh, take it. He scoops out a bucket of water. He dumps it on himself. I would love to take you through there.

I can get you through the cordial problem. Might have some trouble with the public depending on sort of the buoyancy of his wooden. Yes, I will need something to weight myself down. It's no problem. I have the same problem with Elizabeth. Yes. So I can get you through there. The only problem is I can't really go into the Black Lagoon at the moment. Because there is just a nasty little fish

who's taking up residence there. And he does not like it. When I go into, and all my stuff's down there, except for me bucket and my wife. And so... I'm sorry, a nasty one. Nasty little fish, little fang-tooth, little bastard. And if he wasn't there no more, I could definitely take it in. So do you think maybe you'd be willing to do all Gordon a favor and catch this big nasty fish for me? So you got like a fishing rod or...

A big net? Yeah. There might be some stuff out in my boat. Can you speak with the fishes? Sorry, what was your name? Gordon. Gordon. Can you speak with the fishes?

Gordon Clearwater. Yes, yes, of course. Gordon, can you speak? Someone ironic name, wouldn't you agree? Because of Mrs. Gordon, the fish stick person? No, it's a clear water. That was a good one, though. Yes.

Oh, wait, is it clear water because it's like a murky water? Sorry, I'm trying. trying to ascertain if you can speak to fish. Can you speak to fish? No, I assume that you were some sort of master of this. You can, hold up, wait a second, I was being a little bit snarky there, a bit of a rat's ass. But you, I was taking a piss. But you can't talk to fish.

Right there in front of us, man, that's gross. It's part of the physiology. You don't have to judge. Oh, yeah, I'm sorry, man. I should, yeah. No, yeah, I can speak to fish. There's no, fuck. Okay, are we saying that speaks to animals?

I have speak with animals. dude? I don't feel like that should work on fish. Fish ain't animals. Sorry, excuse me Griffin? You're going to play out a flag on fish ain't animals? I feel like if you read the rules, the rules probably say, but no fish, though, because that would be fucking crazy. That's crazy.

They can't talk. But fish can't talk. He says, no, I can't talk to fish. What do you think just because I have scales? Yeah, man, it says right here, but not fucking fish, though. Gross. Glad you looked that up. Try to hate to rules lawyer.

but... I just want to know more about the little fish. Is it... Why can't you handle this? You seem like the master of this lagoon. He's pretty fast. He's got sharp fangs. Which is rude for a fish.

Uh, when you say little... Yeah. How little do you mean? Yeah, you're being ironic. Um, he's little in character. I will say that. Okay. In rudeness, you wouldn't say that's a big man.

You would say he has a... He has a small personality. And size-wise. Physically. And release. Yes. I mean, if you can manage it, I don't care what happens. All right.

So he's big, man. Just say, I don't know why you're being coy. In fishing parlance, that's called a lunker. So, sorry. He's a lunker. I don't know why you're being coy. There you go. Isn't that something?

Now you're taking a piece. Right here. So listen, yeah. We are, I would love to assist. Griffin, just for reference, taking the piss, not taking a piss. No, Gordon says it taking a piss. Okay. It's a cultural thing.

It's a cultural thing that you would not understand. Listen, we would love to assist you, but I will be honest and say that all of our abilities are rather more land-based than sort of aquatic combat. that would be required to deal with this is a little bit beyond our scope, I think. What you just said is crazy, because do fishermen go out in their boats like time for some aquatic combat? Are you suggesting we... Oh, well, that is interesting. What if we could lure this fish out of the water, out of its element, and then perhaps a smite it

after that fashion. Like on to land? Yes, of course. Okay, he's going to have to be a pretty enticing offer to get a fish to go up on the land, I will say, quite a honeypot you're going to have to construct there. I think all we need is bait. That'd be pretty good bait for a fish to go,

time to walk. It took us millions and millions of years to accomplish that back at the Camry. You hook it. You hook it. Mm-hmm. The mechanics of fishing are perhaps anathema to you. You hook the fish and you drag it against its will. Yeah.

And we're going to need some kind of bobber, something that floats on the surface that we can say move. We need bait, too. Yeah. Yes. What if they, now what if they were one and the same? Yes. But what if the dog was the bait and your wife was the barber? No, we don't love this.

There's a lot of, I'm feeling a push against it. Hear me out. What if we had? Something that floated that could move around and get this fish's attention, right? But maybe was made of a maybe biting resistant material that we could then, hmm. Where would we find such a thing? Something that is cognizant and animated and floats on the water. Yeah.

That's, oh. Oh, you're thinking a little bit of a woody, a woody pot. Like a bit. Yeah, man. Oh. Now, that's interesting. So the fish, I'm trying to understand the mechanism. So the boy is floating at the top of the water.

And the first seas and he thinks, oh, my. Yes, indeed. And then he leaps into the air. Now, at what point, how do we get the fish from the water? Right. So a land-based. I gotcha. So here's what I'm thinking.

Okay. the fish swallows him. We got rope tied around them. We pull them in. We got ourselves kind of a monster kind of deal here, right? A little wooden boy gets swallowed by a big aquatic creature. Then we reel them on in. Where is your extremely powerful reel?

Oh, I'm looking at her right there with them two big fish lifters. God, it's me. Yeah. I reel the fish. Oh, this is interesting. So let me see if I get this straight. You're not willing to risk your dog. Correct.

But you are willing to risk me, your boon companion. Well, booie companion. Booy. Because you flow and you're... I have no argument left. That's it. You've got me there. All right.

Booy boy in the water. The rest of you... Wait. I guess. No, we need to hook fit. We can... I think... Gordon, let me just ask you, Gordon.

He's kissing his wife. Sorry. I thought you were done with me. Gordon, what do you think of our plan? Gordon. Well, I guess the question is, there's a fishing rod out in the boat. I'm not entirely confident that it would be able to get this fish,

small as though it may be up and out of the water. But, you know, some sort of rope and sharp thing is typically kind of like half of the course when it comes to your fishing base plans. So, Booy Boy, is there anything that you have

in your bag of tricks that could, once within, which I know you don't like to contemplate, but let's be realistic. That is the ideal scenario. Once within the fish, do you have any sort of concoctions or like gut burning

fiddly fiddly? Well, actually, I have something that can add to that. I have alter self, which will allow me to adapt to an aquatic environment, sprouting gills and growing webbing between my finger. That would be... It's going to be fully upsetting. I mean, the object even picturing, picturing that made me quite upset. But then I can also use that spell to grow fangs, claws, claws, spines, horns, or different natural weapons.

If that can't impale the fishy's mouth? Now we're talking. What can? Yeah, that one's good. I like that a lot. This might also help you out. And Crawford hands him his sickle. Ooh.

Oh. Very hooked shaped. Sure. Extremely hooked shaped. I like it. I like it a lot. So here's what I'm thinking. This is the foot.

We're going to take a rope. It's going to wind around the beach. Can we like, can we like, can we like, can we plates in the dark in a little bit and just like do it? instead of talking about it and then doing it. Okay. Where are you guys, you have a few options as to where you are, your base of operations for this move. But there is, you know, at the end of the dock, there is back sort of on shore. And then there's the big shale wall, if you imagine sort of a quarry that wraps around the back of the lagoon.

Where are you planning on doing the kind of like reeling in land-based part of this operation from? I think the shore, right? I mean, you don't want to try to have to haul this big old fish up over a shell wall, do you? Well, I think that Doc or the Shore was what I was picturing. But if there's something that we could put the rope, like, once around, so that as Lady Godwin's pulling on it, right, there's kind of a pulley thing happening? Maybe around the base of the pier? Yeah, I think that's fine. Yeah, there's definitely, you know, posts embedded in the loam here.

Okay, cool. I think give me a survival check, probably Crawford, to, like, construct this mechanism. Generous. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Thank you. Let's see. Beahee, be a bohem.

Okay. And, okay, and with Hunter's intuition, I can add a D4 to it. So, survival. That is a 9 plus 716. Plus a D4? Plus a D4. Plus a 2. So a 19 total.

18. Yes, thank you. Matt. Okay. Yeah. Within 18, you are able to wrap this rope, coil it around one of these piers. There is a sort of a loose brass ring with rivets in it that is sort of like providing support to the pier. You find one that is like without its rivets and loose and are able to kind of coil it around that as a sort of makeshift sort of pulley.

So you've set up a pretty tight little situation here. And then what happens? I tie some beef jerky onto onto Philo's legs Okay, so is Philo going to be the bait and the bobber here? Okay, great, great, great. Just making sure I understand the situation.

Well, how are we going to sink him? I don't know if we need a bobber or not. Okay. How about if I use this thing to turn into an aquatic form? Okay. And then I can swim under the water. Yeah. And then because if you have an animated hook,

which is basically what he's going to be. Right, sure. All you got to do is wait for him to hook it. That's great. Pull on the line and you know to reel him in. Okay, burn that spell slot and tell me what it looks like when puppet phylo takes on an aquatic form. So. And also how do you accomplish this feat with your sort of alchemical form of magic?

I think, well, he has to use an. item. Right. As the focus of his spells, all of his spells. And technically it is a spell. So I think that he's going to, his cross, his magic cross, I think has become his main focus of using his magic. So I think the cross is what he uses.

How does a puppet, I guess, to reframe my question, how does a puppet turn into an aquatic form. Like, what does that look like? It can be anything. Well, it's magic. No, okay. Listen, I know that. I don't think Grimmons asking how so much as what changes.

I'm not trying to trap or trick you. This works. I'm just saying what's it look like, visible. Well, he basically changes into kind of a fishy looking, I think, at first, at first glance. It looks like there are painted gills on his neck. His little wooden fingers become webbed. And I mean, just for shits and giggles, maybe a wooden dorsal fin. Oh, hell yeah.

Yeah. Comes out of his back. He's limpeting. He's limpeting. Yeah, he's Mr. Limpit. He's Mr. Limpid. Fantastic. And his two little, his two little wooden legs.

become like a merman's tail. I love that. Hell, yeah. So he goes full limpet. He has been glasses on. Oh, Dad, you never go full limpet. Oh, no. He's going to go almost full limpet. 98% limpid. Okay.

Okay. And you have a rope tied onto you as well as some jerky? And I have... Do we need the jerky? I guess it's up to you. If I look like bait fish... Yeah. Well, let's take the jerky. Just to help out. Yeah. Otherwise, I was going to make you do a contested role to see if Mutt could tie jerky on to you without your permission. I mean, I'm pretty sneaky. I wouldn't. I wouldn't be against it now. That's all right. Okay.

I'm going to be out in the boat kind of in between. Okay. So that, one, the talented Philo Limpit isn't out there by himself. Got you. And two, I can kind of communicate. back to Lady Godwin when it's like, get ready. I can see it's about to happen. And you are on the shore holding the rope with this makeshift pulley system, right? Lady Godwin? Yes.

Okay. Your boat. I think I've dug in, too. I've dug in like a, I'm not standing flat on. I've dug like a little ditch for myself so I keep my footing easier. Okay. That's cool. Yeah, I won't make you roll for that.

I like that. So, Mutt, your boat smoothly cuts across the surface of the water as Gordon Clearwater watches from his boathouse holding his wifeball nervously watching this. And Brother Filo, you swim into the moonlit waters. Oh, I think he's going to have to throw me in. Oh, okay, that's good, too. It's got to throw me in. He's got to cast. And your boat sails onto the moonlit waters.

cutting a ribbon across it that reflects the moonlight around as we enter our first fishing mini game. Thanks to everyone who contributed during this year's Max Fund Drive, we truly couldn't do what we do without you. With the drive in the rear view, it's time for another proud tradition, our annual charity pin sale. This year, the proceeds for the pin sale will support vote riders, a nonprofit dedicated to expanding ballot access nationwide.

Members at $10 a month or more can purchase MaxFundDrive pins featuring shows from across the network, and all members are able to buy our network pin design, exclusive to this charity sale. The sale is live now, and it ends Friday, April 12th. For more info, head to maximum fun.org slash pin sale. And thanks again for your support. Time to fish! Let's get a good cast going here. Wait, wait, before we do.

Yeah. I would say we already have a pretty good guest going on here. Wow, that's really good, geez. Thank you so much. All right, that's going to do it for us this week. Thanks, everybody. Yeah, we're tired from that. Brother Philo says, wait.

He kneels and palsy's head. Oh, dear heavenly lord. Are you, is this your first day, man? Read a fucking book. Bless these efforts. Be with us. Guide us with your heavenly hand. And don't let me get killed.

Make a religion check for me, brother Philo. Absolutely. Religion check. Happens to be a plus six. So that's 24. Wow. On the religion check. Wow.

Because I won't need an 18 later. Really, really, really, really, really, really, really. Love God. With a 24. You see the form of fantasy Jesus standing on the surface of the water, and he just nods at you and winks. He's like, I got you. And then vanishes.

Cast away, my friend, mutt. Cast away is the volleyball. This is a basketball. Oh, right, right. That would have been the basketball, yes. Okay. We hate that movie. Yeah, they, do they not get it?

They don't get it. Wait, was that Elizabeth? No, it's a folly ball. It's her ex-husband. Okay, I throw Philo. Okay. Make a strength check. It's not animal handling.

Oh, my strength's not bad. Because I'm throwing a fish. That's a twilight. Artificial 20. Yeah, artificial 20, you eat Brother Philo real good. And Brother Filo, you go sailing into the water and you splash down. your senses are different, right? You get the impression that if you had the normal sort of human stuff,

swimming in these waters would be pretty unpleasant. It is pretty viscous and sludgy, as years of sort of runoff from this quarry have thoroughly polluted these waters. But because of the form you have taken, you are able to swim through them sort of unimpeded. What do you do? What's your game plan here? I think like any good lure, I will swim down because you want to go as deep as you possibly can. Okay.

And then when you do fish, the key is to move like something natural, move like a true little creature of the water to try to attract its attention. And I have one other idea to do. Please. I would like to use my ability of Tinker. Okay. My action of Tinker. And with Tinker, you can imbue an object with five-foot radius of light. Okay.

Oh, okay, cool. What are you doing that on? Let's do it on my hat. Okay. I'm going to do it on my little pointed Pinocchio. I am now. picturing a fish with a little hat on and I'm very heavy. And the hat is glowing.

So I'm going to say, as you sort of writhe around in the water, like an actual, honest to God, tasty, delicious, delicious, little fishy. I don't like rive. I'm kind of elegant in my swimming motion. Yes, absolutely you are. But I will need a performance check from you to be a fish. Yes, performance. That would be a...

A 17. Oh, you're beautiful. A tasty, tasty morsel. Lady Godwin, did you have something? I was just going to ask Golden for any cold boys. I'm out here. What? I'm out here in the sand.

I'm doing a little fishing. And I was just curious if you were in possession of any cold boys. Oh, yeah. Muts already popped one open. Any suds for your buds. Oh, so. It's a old ticket. He walks over and picks up Elizabeth and gets into the mini fridge underneath her and comes back and says like, what's your poison?

You're like, a naughty lion. A peep, a naughty little peeper, maybe. You hear from the boat. Take the peeper, man. You're going to have a naughty peeper. Man, you got to have a naughty peeper. I got a peeper right here. I'm holding out.

that the third offering won't be utterly despicable. Oh, we got a cheeky little Mikhailov Ultra. I pushed. I went too far. Oh, no. Hey, you wanted cold boys. These boys is the coldest. Look.

Just tell me, do you have the champagne of beers? Oh, fresh out. But if you like to tap the Rockies, I can see to that. All right, you want. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I've too recently been a warehouse to try for with silver bullets.

I'm a... Sounds like a cheeky peeper then. And he tosses you an ice cold, cheeky paps blue ribbon. Hell yeah, bud. You crack that shit? Do you grip it and rip it? Yeah, man. I actually have here a racial background feature that just allows me to produce an ice cold peber

whenever I'm fishing. Sure. It says I hear on my character sheet. Anytime I'm fishing, produce one. Give me a Constitution saving throw, Lady Gobind. Oh, Constitution is saving throw. What's the gravity on this paper?

It's a 23. Holy shit. Wow, we're rolling like hail today. Good Lord. With a 23, you rip this paper. Over 20, I shotgun it, right? You shotgun on it, no kidding. Your body has processed many peepers in its day.

Your head is the first time and a lot of the tastes. It's deeper glands are fully developed. Yeah, exactly. Your head, where a lot of the taste action takes place, is new to this experience. Okay. It's inexplicably, you fucking love it. It's so, so good. And it also just makes you better at fishing.

So I will give you an advantage on the first sort of check that you are. All right. Okay. With a 17, brother Philo, you are a fish. You're doing an incredible job, swimming around idly, thinking your fish thoughts. What are those fish thoughts sound like? I am going to put a super duper moratorium on any more of dad's ASMAR content. Dad, I love them, but they're not paying enough.

They're not paying enough for it. Yeah, you got to save that. Put that behind a pay while, my bud. Right. That's the only dads. When it's not... Oh, God! Don't do that, Griffin.

Don't shame. No judging here. Assault Dad's game. All right. You swim around the water for a few moments. Inexplicably, I am like starving. Okay. I want an earth more.

Give me a survival. Give me a survival check. I'm afraid. Dad's going too deep. Not even Philo. Dad, I'm afraid, isn't going to come back from this transformation. That's fine. Ah, well, that's a six. So, no worms for me. Phila's going to need a kick to get back up several layers of transformation. Like, dad, how many layers is dad immersed in now? I'm sorry. We're pushing Dad to his, to his limits. I think here's what he's thinking. I think he's going to go full Ernie from Sesame Street.

I think he's swimming around going, Fis-Fishy, fishy, fishy, fishy. Confusing. Oh, fishy, fishy, fishy. Your fish instincts take over a bit, and you are, you're snuffling for earthworms in the mucky floor of the Black Lagoon. And your light illuminates something behind you

as you have your back turned, looking for worms. Some reeds in the distance part, and they part very, very far. And from up behind you, you can sense something. You turn around just in time to see it. It is enormous. It is larger than the boat that Crawford, Muddner is currently floating on the surface of above. This fish is unlike anything you've ever seen before in the water or otherwise.

It has a face like a flayed man with pale, dead eyes and long needle-like teeth. Griffin, are you sure you want to conjure that image? Not just in the game, but into existence? It has a bulbous sort of body that tapers off to a long tail barbed with spines. This fish is an unholy abomination. and it looms over you and it appears ready to strike. You have a moment here. Philo, what do you do?

Um, panic. Okay. In a flash, you see a cloud of muck kicked upwards and then the fish devours you. I'm going to say as you sort of pass through its long rows of needle-like teeth, I'm going to need a dexterity saving throw from you to see how painless and experience that is. This would be a good one to roll high on. How about 17? 17 is great.

You managed to pass through most of the teeth, just sort of very adroitly sort of weaving between them. but the back row of teeth catches you which like on your wooden puppet body wouldn't be a big deal but with the way that you are transformed it is going to hit you and you take

seven points of piercing damage She's mloom but I had to roll a 17 Yeah I wish you rolled 20 huh If you'd rolled lower than that It would have been you would have been eaten pretty badly by a fish As it is now you've been eaten by a fish

In one of the better ways that could like You've been lightly eaten. Lightly. Lady Godwin, you feel a tug on the rope. I'm going to yank it with all my might. Okay. And Philo, you feel the rope grow tight as the jaws close around you. Your light is still activated.

You can see in here. You maybe wish you couldn't. It sucks so bad. What do you do? Okay. I'm going to ram the sickle into the wall of the fish's stomach. Okay, make a, make an attack roll for me. Normally attacking underwater would not go so great, but you have some leverage for the fish you're inside. Also, I'd have to imagine advantage because, like, how's it going to miss?

Yeah, well, it's more a question of can he actually get through this fish's stuff. Can I use it as the Tavern Brawler Strike? Can I use that? That seems to be the closest thing to attacking. Well, I don't know what that means. Well, Tavern Brawler Strike is a melee attack using whatever happens to be at hand. You gain the following benefits, increase your strength or constitution score by one. No, I mean, you are doing an attack roll with a weapon.

So I think... Oh, yeah. So you roll a D20 down? Well, this says with a weapon. With an improvised weapon. Yeah. All right. So which attack should I click?

Just roll a D20. I have a dart. Okay, just a D20. Yeah, I mean, if you have a melee weapon, a quarterstaff or anything like that. Yeah, just roll that. Just roll that because the numbers will be the same. Quarterstaff. Oh, Nat.

20. Holy shit. If there ever was a time. Plus four. You managed to plant both feet on the bottom meat of whatever is inside of this fish. And you feel actually pretty sturdy, shockingly sturdy. As you feel the tug on this rope from behind you, you swing the sickle downward and it buries into this thing's gut. there's a spray of water that goes up into the fish as you jab this sickle downwards.

And it's a good thing that that happened because right away, this tug on the rope behind you becomes incredibly strong. And now all of a sudden, you are single-handedly holding this hook into this fish. Mut, are you doing anything as you sort of watch this from below? You see lots of bubbles starting to form on the surface and you watch the rope sort of whip upwards into the water. as tension forms on. As soon as the tension forms, I'm going to launch the boat towards the shore where Lady Godwin is to assist in the reeling and catching and fighting. Make an athletics check just to see how fast you can get back there. Oh, it was almost 18, but it was a two.

So that's a five, Griffin. Okay, you're struggling. You are, one of the oars accidentally slips down into the water, and now you're just kind of going in a circle. both. Yeah. Okay. It's the motor won't start. Okay.

That's good. Cool. Yeah, the motor won't start. You're on the surface, ripping and roaring. And make a, make a stealth check for me, please. Okay. 17 total. Okay.

You see, just for a second, the light from Philo's hat shining through the needle-like teeth of this fang-tooth fish as it splashes upwards out of the water. It seemed to be attracted by the sound of the motor. But with that stealth check, it loses interest and

just sort of splashes up out of the water nearby and back down. Lady Godwin, now this thing is trying to swim away from you and the pressure on the rope is going to be pretty high. I mean, I have,

I mean, I'm just pulling it as hard as I can. Okay. Give me a strength check, please. With advantage. Yeah, I'll give you advantage because of this great ditch that you've dug for yourself. Well, and the peber, right? And the peber, yeah. I go no way.

Now, hold on. I get an advantage from a ditch. I don't want to save my peeper advantage because I can't. No, no, no. I remembered you had advantage, but I didn't remember. It was from the cheeky peber that you do. All right, all right, boss. Let's see here, strength check.

13. 17. Okay, 17. You start to just go hand over hand on this rope, pulling it in. It is the greatest sort of feat of strength that has been required of you in this new body. And you find yourself being taxed, but finding like a second wind that you didn't really know this form was capable of. you go hand over hand with the rope.

That's the power of beer. As you start to yank this. Drinking is cool, kids. Beer rules. It makes you stronger and better at stuff. Winners drink. Drinkers win. This is the situation.

Brother Fila, you aren't... Hey, it's me. I mean, every time I say the word situation, you reference fucking Jersey Shore, a cultural artifact that... I'm gonna continue to do that bit. GtL, dreamtale, laundry, baby. You, uh, here is the scenario.

Hi, it's me, it's younger brother of the scenario. I'm kind of a math one. Weave your magic. Um, brother Philo, you are, in the belly of this giant faint tooth fish, holding on for dear life as you serve as the hook, the connection between Lady Godwin on the shore and the hook in this fish's belly.

Mut, you are on the surface of the water in a boat, the motor of which will not start. Lady Godwin, you are pulling for dear life and making progress as you yank this fish into shore. In fact, you see its horrible spines poke out of the surface of the water. It is about as far away as the end of the pier now, and it is getting closer despite its violent protestations. Nearby on the ground, Lady Godwin, you see one of your bags rustle and move of its own volition.

Make a perception check for me. Okay. Okay. So we're getting ads now from Russell. It called me the Bat Russell bag? Yes. I guess. Nine.

Nine. You don't notice this bag rustling, actually. But we do. The audience. So you wasted my time for sure. Well, not quite because the bag rustles for a moment. And then a thing pops out of it. and flies at you.

And when it gets very, very close, you can see what it is. It is Dracula's head with bat wings sprouting out of its ears. And as he flies towards you, after leaping from your back, he yells, Jump scare! Maximum Fun A Worker Own Network of Artists. owned shows. Supported directly by you.