The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 19

Episode Date: May 16, 2024

Their goal is within reach, but the last step to killing Dracula means the monster hunters must negotiate with the dark god of Angrave itself. Phileaux gets feisty. Godwin whiffs impressively. Mutt gets a new title. Additional Music in this Episode: "Instrumental Mystic Song for Paranormal Videos" by UNIVERSFIELD: https://freesound.org/people/UNIVERSFIELD/; and "J.S. Bach: Chromatic Fuge" and "J.S. Bach: Chromatic Fantasia" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear diary, it's done. My power remains, but my aura has not returned. Yeah, well, time for step two. The three of you are standing on the face of a gigantic skull, the skull of Ahn, the buried god. you have made your way here after being invited by his disembodied voice from down a tunnel and come through alone. The port call is closing behind you. As you walk across the skull very carefully trying not to fall into the endless abyss below, you approached a source of light that was in this room.

the sword excalibur or sorry scaliber i keep forgetting that i need to go through i need to do find and replace in my campaign notebook uh for the word excalibur the sword scaler a silver blade inlaid with rubies uh and celtic knots uh that has been buried in this skull uh just a few feet beyond the brow line. As you approach this sword, you hear that voice again. And it says, Would it have killed you to wipe your feet before setting foot on my skull? And before you, on the other side of the blade, the three of you see the most beautiful man, any of you have have ever seen in your lives. His quaffed, blonde hair

cascades down over the paldrons of his royal red vestments. Around his neck is a gigantic golden pendant in the shape of a crescent moon. He's holding a mirror that he's looking into and just kind of preening,

almost like he is just barely paying attention to any of you as he greets you. Uh Hello Hi Yes, hello

So sorry Um We should have followed the etiquette It's my first time You know, walking on a skull Let alone walking on someone else's Like walking on The skull of the person we're talking to

You know, like, huh Yes You have to admit, it is rather socially awkward Well, I seem to have forgotten My social graces Having been buried in the loam for centuries. Surely, you know, at this point,

I am on the god of night. You, how much do you know? Because you are your strangers here. Unwelcome guests, I might add, save for one of you. Which one? Yeah. I don't give us in suspense.

Yeah. He... What a terrifically leading thing to say. He looks at the three of you, and then he looks down at you, Philo, And he says, it is of you, of course, Philo. I've gone to great lengths to bring you here. What do you mean?

Of course. Hey, man. There's plenty of people who would want me to stand on their skull, man. Like, there's people lining up in certain parts of this country for me to stand on their skull. Um, he says, oh, uh, I, I apologize. Sometimes I forget that my deceptions, uh, my, the 4D game of chess I'm playing off. often goes over the heads of mortals. He looks away from his mirror, and then his shape changes instantly.

And all of a sudden, he is a child wearing a sort of simple red tunic. And you recognize this child, phylo. It's the child that you saw back in the Lumino that you followed to the church. there. He transforms back. He said, I made contact with you, Philo, after your arrival in this realm.

You breathed in my humors aboard that carriage in the road, and my machinations began. I meant to guide you here through the power of suggestion, dwelling within your own mind, and then you went and lost your body, and I did lose my, grip some... Keep him crowded in your nog.

He, it seems, brother. It is really, really jammed in there. Regular, regular Herman's head you have going on. Mutt raises this hand. Have you seen that panto? It's been some time since I've made it to the theater or any building. Oh. Yes, you.

Yes. Just point of order. He didn't lose his body. He knows exactly where it is. it's in a tiny bottle on his belt, he just isn't in that one right now. He trades it up. Holds it up and kind of shakes it. See?

Here it is, right? Careful, careful, man. Oh, I know. I know how to handle my body. I bet you do. Grotie. Don't like it. So gross. That's me, by the way. Justin, that's

why me reacting. No, that was just you, Justin's saying. I don't like this. Give me out of here. He says, uh, I have had to sort of improvise as we go, but I suppose this is a more natural way of doing things.

What good is an oath, after all, we're not made entirely of your own volition. Let me back up. Yeah, please, yeah. I'm on. I'm Crawford, Montaneric, call me mud, everybody does.

I shan't remember that. Just mutt. Okay. And you, the, tall drink of water with the stitched net line. Whose eyes are up here? Yes, my name is Lady Galwin. Fantastic.

I am the god of night and the nocturn. I know that your world has forgotten me. No, we know about night. We have it regularly. Yeah, once a day. Well, long grave all the time. Yeah, there you go, man. Great.

But me on the end. embodiment, the personification, the deity of night. Oh, yeah, okay. I know that this, the scene, I'm not taught in classrooms. It's gotten so political as it did. Yeah. I know the world's forgotten me, but I, I aim to make it remember, and I am in need of aid to do so.

Okay. Surely you are familiar with my former servant, Count Dracula. Oh, yeah, man. We didn't know you two at parted ways, necessarily. He smiles and looks a bit pained for a second, and then he looks down at the sword sticking out of his giant skull, and he says, who do you think planted this here? Ah, okay.

So, Lynn. It's a tree. No, not... What? No, it's not... Sorry, Everyone here just said that, like, dumbest shit ever, and I'm having trouble trying to figure out who to deride first.

I was silent, so may I speak? Yes, yes, I think it's your turn. Is your long-term goal to get someone to remove the sword? It is my only goal. Could I? No way. Could I? I'm asking, it's just a question.

Okay. Never hurts to ask. He looks back in the mirror, he says, I suppose you could try, but you don't seem the type to. Oh, what? No, and Lady Godwin tries to pull it out. Oh. Make a street check.

Try. It's excalibur. If I'm not supposed to pull it out, I will 100% certainty within the narrative. Man, that's a lot of faith you're putting in Griffin. Mm-hmm. It's a McGiffin. I know what I'm doing. Uh, okay.

What do you want me to roll? I mean, strength. Like, fate. Am I destined to take it out? Strength with disadvantage, please. Okay. So that answers your question, doesn't it? And a...

13. You wrap your hand around the hilt of Excalibur. It is smaller than you expected. The hilt of this blade is a sort of wispy thing. And yet, as you attempt to pull it out of the skull, it is like trying to rip a mountain out of the ground. It is completely, completely stuck in there.

He says, I expected as much. Not anyone can pull the sword from the, well, in this case, from the bone. Yes, the sword bone. Yeah, I was going to say, man, Schiff, you did it now I kind of want to. Try it, it's fun.

Okay, I'm going to try to sneak. I'm going to try to sneak up on it. Yes, that's not. Try to get it by surprise. So he crouches down, muck crouches down to sneak up on it and spring on the sword unexpectedly. I'll help. I'll help.

I'll distract it. Okay. And starts dancing. I cut no strings. Don't hold me up. Yeah, okay. So what do I roll? A strength check with disadvantage.

Oh, no, I'm sneaking up on it, Griffin. So. Okay, roll a stealth check. Mm-hmm. Let me see here. Okay, here we go. That's a seven. Yeah, that's not going to cut it. Get it? Get it? Not even in a little bit, yeah.

Okay. Okay. We're all having a lot of fun here. Well, oh, Philo didn't try. Wait, wait, wait. I'm remembering the prophecy. The prophecy that says only one who is pure of soul and says their prayers each night can draw the sword's scalabur and use its holy might. That might be something they just told kids at the monastery to get them to say their prayers, man,

because I ain't never heard that before. No, I haven't either. It's very ingrained. Very, it's like a mantra to me. That doesn't make it true. Well, listen, most things said for a long time are true. Please, I insist that the phyloger chance. Yeah, puppet man.

Quickly, though. Yeah, go for it. As you approach the sword, he looks away from his mirror and looks down at you quite intently. Oh, wait. Now, hold on. Yes. Ah, this is what I was hoping for. No, no.

Okay, fine. No, my apologies to your compatriots, but the sword can only be drawn by a hero, pure of heart. This was Dracula's most clever part of his deception as he buried this in my. fucking forehead Excalibur, the blade that binds the darkness, can only be drawn by someone very, very special

and sure, and there aren't many of those here in Ongrave. Hold on, man, wait, hold on. File away just a second. When he pulls this sword out, are you going to be like free and shit to go out and wreak havoc and do all kinds of bad got stuff?

I think his imprisonment is what's causing the Eternal Knight's Ongrave. I think if we free on, then we may have a better shot at defeating Dracula, but also

of returning ongrave to something approaching normalcy. As you approach the sword, you see Van Helsing appear, and he's looking at it, and he says, this is the legendary blade.

Excaliper. Oh, sorry, Scalipa. This blade, it binds evil magic with this. You could strike down Count Dracula definitively. This could be the answer we are looking for. You must take up this sword, Philo. You see, on looking at you, sweating, and he says, if you remove that blade, Philo,

I shall grant you. Any boon your heart desires. Ask for two boons, man. Negotiate for two boons. Two boons? Yeah, don't just take one boon. That's the first offer, man. Um, how about, how about this for two boons?

In addition to what I reward you, you will carry with you Excalibur or sorry, you will carry with you Scalibur, a weapon that will make dispatching Dracula for whom you carry so much hatred and for good reason, what a dick, a trifle matter. Okay, that's a good counter. That's one boon. That's one boon. But to here, I do want to return to Mudd's question of sort of your immediate plans. Yeah, good question, man. Upon being freed?

Yes, yeah. Are you going to try to... Do you want to go try to kill Dracula? That would be high on my priority list, where are you? I am. And don't lie. Oh, no, I would never Okay Would the god of darkness lie

I You worry about my plans If I am freed As if I am some great evil avatar I am not the god of evil I am the god of night And night can be peaceful And so chill

Yeah, so can death Wait, are you though Peaceful and chill? Completely All right, insight Yeah, can all of us make insight checks? Yeah, all around the horn. Okay, 19 for me.

18 for me. 17 for me. Beautiful. Pretty, pretty mates all in a row. He's lying through his fucking teeth, guys. He is excited beyond description for the opportunity to be freed from this, be free of his imprisonment and the extent to which he is

attempting to deceiving you suggests that his plans are maybe not as harmless as he is making them out to be. So here's what I'm thinking, man. May I talk to my friends here for a second just a second? Sure, of course. I mean, we're all gods here.

Yeah, sick. Okay, here's... Oh, no, wait. It's just, I'm just the only... All right, man, no, I got it. Okay, here's what we did. We just need to trick Dracula to coming down here. leave the sword where it is, and then kind of throw Dracula against the sword, so it cuts him in half. That's good. That's the source of non-linear thinking to get stuff done.

Outside the box, yeah. Really thinking outside the coffin on that one. Thank you. But you be inside the box, for good. Yeah. I don't know the practicality of that. Wait a minute. Do we have any Dracula's with us?

It's hard to remember. There's so many of them out and about there I think we got rid of the one Yeah, we turned him into ash And then we played volleyball You hear a noise Coming from your satchel, Philo, you hear Oh, yes

Oh yes Oh, oh, oh, oh, we have the ear Oh right, yeah, yeah Oh wait, hold on, let me Where did I put the... I'll hear this, yes As you retrieve the bottle you realize it's not just an ear anymore.

Whether it is due to the presence of On, or perhaps the fact that you were just swimming around in his blood, this ear has reformed into a small Dracula, a real snacula. He's kind of pressed up in a grotesque way against the walls of the jar, and he says, uh, don't do it, man.

You, uh, for real, do not, uh, don't set him free. It would be very bad. Ah, this is Italian Dracula. So, I know you are having a little bit of fun earlier, month, but I don't see why that won't work. See, Dracula is repeatedly cloning himself, correct? We've learned this. So there's no reason to think that,

any weapon could kill a physical manifestation of Dracula and that have any permanence unless there is some sort of magic in the weapon and in that case it shan't matter what Dracula

is affected by it. There you go man. So, just grab that little Dracula and slam him. Slam him. Slam it him. But I'm the backwards, Dracula. The good one. Bacula?

Scott? You remember you were going to raise me as one of your own. Yeah, we forgot about that, man. You forgot you existed. This is a far nobler end. We've been very passive in our child rearing. Wait, hold on. Oh, one.

I have two questions for you on. Oh, is it? You're back just talking to the literal gone again. Yeah, great, great, great, yes, fine. One, what is the cause of the fallen out between you and Dracool? I mean it's personal Okay I thought

Let's sit Let's sit Dracula on the skull Oh Well look who it is His is good guys I earned us a smoke break You got like two or three minutes So Griffin has to talk to himself

Uh Snacula says I changed I changed my mind Uh Can you put me back In your satchel please This is pretty ocococco, please.

No, I have to hear this. Dish. Spit it. Dekyll, what was the cause of the following out between you and A'an here? I mean, it wasn't my call. I'm but a baby. Okay.

I'm but a baby in your arms. Okay, but certainly you possess some of your memories. Ah, on says, I can tell you. Okay. You weren't going to, man? Remember just a few seconds? I changed my mind. You're mercurial as fuck.

And notice my hand is hovering over the sword. Oh, and I like that very much. Dracula is an opportunistic wretch. He came to me seeking immortality and power

for his own ins. And I granted it to him. And we had a pretty good thing going for. a while, but, uh... Romantic? He did... What's that? Romantic?

No. Okay. No, that's, that would be way below my sort of station, you understand. Oh, I've realized... I mean, I've... Leagues aren't real, man. You know that, right? Bro, but when you're talking about deity, like, I've banged Neptune.

Do you know what I mean? The planet? Yes. Fuck, man. Gross. Anyway. Hey, don't you have kids, you know? If I were to wager.

That's fair. You should have a home planet. As long as it was consensual planet humping, good for you, man. It was enjoyed by all parties. Yes, it was enthusiastic consent granted by the planet and myself. If Dracula had any reason to betray me, it was likely because he found another source of power. that he preferred, one that did not perhaps carry with it the terms and conditions of our own arrangement. All of this is neither here nor there.

I must ask you now, Philo, sort of moment of truth. Well, hold on, you didn't answer him a second question. I had two questions. Second question. My gosh. Do you know the invisible man? The who now? The invisible man?

Is this a riddle? No, he's a man who's invisibly beat my brother's ass so bad he died. I just wanted to see if he knew him. Is this like your quest or something? Actually, no, can I tell you what's wild? Even though he's the one that killed my brother, I don't seem to actively be looking for him at all. I do ask people about it.

That's weird. Yeah, mostly my quest is I want to kill Dracula to tell you his teeth and turn him into jewelry, which somehow is related to a bar of my brother and I were going to open. And even though Invisible Man, is the one what beat his ass so bad he died from it. I'm not actively looking for him at all. Cool.

Tell me more. Tell me more. Well, I was hoping you could tell him more. Just kidding. I don't know the invisible man. No, I don't know the invisible man. I know Count Dracula, whose power I breathed into this world. And that power can be yours, Philo, to do with as you wish.

All you must do is take this sword. Oh, bonus, I think it makes you king of England. So you'll have that going for you. So the bones, the, the, the boo. The bone boons are threefold. This is the offer of a lifetime. I'm listening. That's it. That's all the offer is.

You get the cool sword to kill Dracula, all of my powers and immortality and King of England. All of your powers in immortality. Yes. How much sweeter can this pot conceivably get? Hey, keep opening cases, man. He knows you've got the million. So, if I have all your powers, I could heal the Turbo Cardinal, correct?

He thinks about it for a second. He says, Ah, yes, the Turbo Cardinal. I thought perhaps he could fill the very role that I am attempting to get you to fill at this moment, but perhaps his heart wasn't as pure as I thought. Oh, now you're just blowing smoke up my robes. Yes, of course, I don't see why that wouldn't be in the realm.

of possibilities. Very well. And all it takes is to draw Scalibur from your skull. Correct? Yep. That's all it takes. I'm ready to act now.

Hmm. And... Shall we vote? Philo. Another conference, please. Hold on. Yeah. My God. I'm gonna draw it.

Why? Because I think that is the best way to off Dracula. Okay, but it feels a little bit like Robin Peter to pay Paul, you know what I mean, man? Because we're going to kill Dracula and let a dark god of night free. Then I stick the sword back in. Well, stick him again, stab him again. Now, counterpoint, man, if it was that easy to pin down the god of darkness and night, somebody probably would have done it before Dracula, right?

I don't think he's just going to leave his skull laying here. are ready for us to stick a toothpick back in it. Godwin, what do you think? Oh, Philo, it's a trick you on, isn't it? Um, hmm, I suppose that if you're able to pull it, it means that you're pure of heart. Mm-hmm. And if that holds true, it would seem to me that you are best positioned

to make the right choice. Well, fuck, man, that's a great point. Yeah, because if you pull it and your pure, heart, then you did the right thing. Right? Because if you... It's like those witch tests. If you drown the witch...

You're a bad guy. Yeah. Yeah. I'm not sure that logic fell out. Well, because if you're... Because anybody who would drown a witch is a badger person. That's not a good person. Good people don't drown people.

I have lots of very kind witches. Yeah, man. That's what I'm saying. I'm going to draw it. Okay. I'm going to draw it. Okay. Okay.

All right, Arne. I am ready. Hell yes. To assume all of your powers and immortality. Oh yeah, I'm gonna choose you up. You just watch. Should you get that in writing or something? God's bound by any sort of promises to...

Absolutely, we are. Like the Roman thing? A god of darkness is faithful 100%. Oh, can I roll a quick insight, Griff? Yeah, yeah, sure. Let me just squeeze a quick insight in before we add. 15? He is not.

telling the truth. It does get to be a bit binary at a certain point, isn't it? Like, if you're even a little bit of a stinker, you do have to admit that. I will ask this, that instead of whatever, a wisdom check, it would be a religion check. We're into some very... To pull the sword from the bone?

Yeah. No, it's a street. Yeah. But you will make it... It's a holy sword. You will make it straight up. Really? Yep.

Do it. Do it, dad? This is Travis sucking. Do I have advantage? Just pull it. You do not have disadvantage. You do not have disadvantage. You do not have disadvantage.

Like the other two. Go ahead, dad. The biggest role of your career. This is that. Become the King of England. It's all to become the King of England. Oh. That was wrong on both counts.

Right next to 20. Yeah. A two plus one, a three. Not a critical fail. Philo, you step forward. You wrap your tiny puppet hands around the hilt and tug upwards with the full power of destiny at your back. You tugged. Dad, have you pulled a real sword in real life?

Yes. You don't have to folly, my man. I love it. I know, but I love this sword. We can't see it. I know. The folly is unnecessary because you tug upwards. It sounds like a curtain rod expanding.

It does sound like a curtain rod. You tug upwards. You hear a choir of angels from on high singing as you pull upwards. And it doesn't move even a little bit. And then you're like, maybe I didn't, maybe I'm supposed to grab it by this part. And you grab the sort of like cross-hilt, the guard. and you pull up on that, that also doesn't go. And you think about maybe pulling on like the blade

or like wiggling it a little bit to get it loose first, and none of that works either. And On is looking at you very confused. And he says, You are a pillar of heart, aren't you? Well, but, yeah, oh, wait. I don't sure I have a heart. I am wood.

Maybe if you turn me. me and back into myself, I would be pure of heart. Me, damn it, he says. Why didn't? Oh, God. If I could do that, then I wouldn't be bound by this awful holy sword. I would have the powers I need. God. Oh, wait, I have an idea.

Everybody stay here. Can you look to pork call us real quick? Why? What do you do? I got to go get something. I'll be right back. What is you... No, what's your...

What? No, you're not... Well, King Arthur is back there. If I go get his bony hand, we could pull it out. Yeah, does he have a heart? Fuck. Fucking numskull? And this is me to... Man, shit.

This sucks. I waited so long. Why did you put that fucking hat on? I feel responsible for your disappointment. You are responsible solely for my disappointment, and it's great. I... I... I did not.

think of the no heart thing, I must admit. Well, this doesn't have to be literal, does it? Can we just, like, get a Sharpie and draw a heart on him or something? Oh, go, whoa. Oh, pure wood, yes. Consider it? Oh, yes. Considering what we've done

to this cat's heart the past day? I don't think they're down with the metaphors, I would say. Yeah, man. Let us just, uh, here. I did give you an embolism. You did what? Maybe that way. Don't worry about it, man. No, what did you say? I, because I felt something weird earlier.

Like a heart fart? I feel like I've lost a lot of blood and I had a fart attack. That was you? That was, yes. Well, it was us, to be fair, because the fart attack was him. I stabbed your heart. He, I think, chopped a vein. Wacked it.

Wacked the vein. She did. And listen, my B, man. So maybe by doing that, I, I, oh, this is. I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, I'll, you know, shame on me. I, um, I, I should have found, I should have given up on this whole endeavor when I, I saw you. Hey, no man. No, it's, I, I, I, I, I don't have to console me. I really don't, I don't need it. Um, I, I, I suppose I'll find another use for the three of you then. No, no, no, get back here. No, get away from that thing. It's filthy.

Sorry, my hand is trying to get off the sword. Back in the bag. I do actually want to watch this play out. He just sort of scuttled back in the bag. He's a mage hand. He follows my command. Yeah, all right, that's fine. Okay, well.

Short the shot, though. Thanks for the laughs. Do you want the three of us to try to pull it? Maybe between us, we got equal one for your heart. That's not bad. That's not bad. It kind of hurts, actually, every time you try and fail. So I've actually got a lead.

There's like a little girl who has been doing a lot of volunteer work. Oh, that's good, man. Yes, and so it will take some time, I think, to work my plans. So in the meantime, I will bid you a due, I suppose. Oh, wait, wait, wait, I did make a sincere effort. Don't you think you could give me a boon? You could give me a little bit of a boon. Like all your powers.

Could I have all your powers? Half your powers. Half, that's good. Half of your powers. Why did you come here, brother Fylo? What was your quest in the first place? Well, my quest in the first place was to find a cure for the Turbo Cardinal. And then I kind of leapt on to the bandwagon of killing Dracula with my boon-compan.

Well, but that's all well and good. But I really want that sword. No, it's a great sword. King of England Boons, it's awesome. I've got the full way and everything. Why don't I do this? Did you just try again much? No, man, what?

Sorry. You weren't looking. Okay, that's it. That's it. Sorry, hey, sorry, man. Hey, listen, can I tell you something, man? I wasn't even really thinking about it that time. No, I know.

Yeah, my hand was kind of wrestling. on it and I just kind of tugged a little bit. I'm so sorry about that, man. I definitely, I apologize to no end. And, um, I'm just, oh my God, are you doing it again? What? No, no, I'm so sorry, man. That is a four.

Okay, that's it. I'm so sorry. Oh, my God. Egg on my face. If you are so concerned about the Turbo Cardinal, why not allow me to show you that he is in. Excellent. shape. And then a portion of the ceiling just explodes and collapses down into the chamber. And from it,

a dark shape comes whizzing into the room, landing right in front of where On is. And as he lands on vanishes. And standing before you, Philo, is a nearly unrecognizable, fanged behemoth, who you can only sort of recognize from the shredded remnants of his own holy vestments. Standing before you is the Turbo Cardinal. Hmm. Not cured, though. Hmm. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney.

I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, the JV Club with Janet Varney, is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varnie is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts.

Thank you. And remember, no running in the halls. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try ST-O-P-O-D-C-A-S-I. Hmm. Were you trying to put the name of the podcast there? Yeah, I'm trying to spell it, but it's tricky. Let me give it a try. Okay. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, call S-O-P-P-B-A-D-I will never fit.

No, it will. Let me try. If you need a laugh and you're on the go, try S-T-O-P-P-P-D-C-O-O. Oh, we are so close. Stop podcasting yourself. A podcast from maximum fun.org. If you need a laugh, and you're on the go. Sorry, Philo, who's this?

Yeah, I introduce this, man. This is the Turbo Cardinal, my superior at the Tancred Abbott Although looking much The worst for wear has kind of bulked up. Have you been lifting, bro?

And, oh, it looks very vampiric. I don't remember I'm being quite like that. This does not look like a cured tuber cardinal friend on. Hey, can I just say, my dude? It seems like you kind of missed a lot of tone and kind of what maybe On was kind of insinuating there,

which was like that he wasn't going to help you. And instead, like, the use for us is like, we're going to die. Oh, I see. It wasn't like a real chill thing. Like, he was being kind of a dick about it. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Yeah.

The Turbo Cardinal speaks as he does. just gore and viscera drips down his chin. He is covered in a lot of blood. And he says, Hello, my child. He fear you're in a dangerous spot right now. It feels it. Yes.

You're far from the abbey. Uh-huh. I Unless we spoke Do you remember my promise that I made to you? No, enlighten me I promised you I would Free you

And so you've gone on this perilous quest Yes Free as you Well, perhaps It would behoove you in the future to Exercise a bit more caution After all you are the last of your order

and what he throws on the ground an object that clatters and slides to a halt at your feet and it takes you a second

to figure out what it is it just looks like a mess of knots but then you realize with horror that it is dozens of bloodied rosaries worn by the members of your of your church. Well, this is going to make it a lot easier to free you. And Brother Philocast Flaming Sphere, the TurboGuarded.

Oh, shit, okay. Let's roll for initiative. I'll give you that action, and let's get into it. Nine. 15 plus 2.17. 13. All right. We are going to give you the surprise round first, Philo.

Okay. So cast a flaming sphere. What's that mean? Flaming sphere. A five-foot diameter sphere of fire appears in an unoccupied space of your choice within range and lasts for the duration. Any creature that ends its turn within five feet of the sphere must make a dexterity saving throw. the creature takes 2D6 fire damage on a failed save or half as much damage on a successful one. Okay, that is going to succeed.

That's a 20. But he is going to take half 2D6 damage. Are you just plopping it down sort of adjacent to him? Right next, yes. Yeah. Okay. As a matter of fact, right in front of him so that he will have to go around it to get to us. Very, very smart.

And that would be a 9. damage. So half that. Well, it's two D6s. Right, halved because he made the save. Right, okay. So four and a half points of damage. Nice.

Okay. He shrieks and kind of holds his hands up to try and protect himself from the flame. We are going to get into initiative now and he is first in the order. Um, he is going to, uh, well, he starts his turn, right? In the fire. So he's going to take, he's going to take damage again, right? Mm-hmm. Okay. We'll give you that. That's going to be another save, 21. So go and roll the 2D6 again. That would be a four, so two.

Okay. Awesome. Uh, he is going to shake off these flames. Uh, and half jump, half fly. directly into you, Philo. His hands extend into these long, terrible claws. He is going to swipe one of them at you. That is a, oh, 13 versus AC? That does hit. Oh, okay.

What's your AC? 12. You take eight points of slashing damage from these claws. And then he is going to look down into one of the eye holes, and he hisses something in some abyssal language, and he is going to summon swarm of rats. Okay, two swarms of rats climb out of each of the eye sockets. Or sorry, one swarm of rats climbs out of each of the eye sockets for a total.

of two rat swarms. So I'm going to tag those into the initiative, and that is it for his turn. Next in the order is Lady Godwin. I am going to... So he looks vampiric in nature, right? He is a big fucking vampire. He looks like...

Similar to how sort of Jekyll transformed. Okay. He looks like that, but way just thursday. robbing a lot more. Okay. Here's what I'm going to try. I'm going to take my axe in my hands and then try to hit him with it for just as hard as you please. Okay. I'm going to push you back just a little bit. Cool. You have advantage on this attack? You guys are well-flanking him at this point. The 16 plus 622. Yes, that absolutely is. Or a two. Doesn't matter. I would take the higher.

I'll go, let's go the higher one. Okay. And then damage, we got nine points of damage. And you are not bloodied. I am not bloodied. Okay, nine points of damage. What's this look like? It just sure roars back with the axe and swings it at his, the middle of him.

Yeah. To just try to hit him with him. Yes, he is preoccupied with Philo. He does not even seem to be paying much attention to you. And so when you catch him right in the abdomen, with your now blood crystallized Jennifer Myers, he gives out a yelp of pain, and now you definitely have his attention.

Great. I'm going to enter a rage. Okay. Mark that, and then another attack with the axe. Hit it. I love that. Matter than ever. 14. You have advantage. You are flanked. King? Ah, 24.

Yeah, that'll do it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Great role. Jesus Christ. Good job, J-man. 12 plus 3. That is huge. Okay. Sheesh. Good job, self.

This guy's fo-. Philo, what's this cat's deal? He's phonedylo. Like his name is Toby. Well, I mean, he was never in really good shape. I mean, he never worked out. We never saw him at the gym. Yes. I like to think that she, with that kind of role, I think she swings it once, it catches in his chest,

and she's not happy with the effort. So she swings back and strikes in the exact same position. Yeah, yeah. It does 15 points. Like you're doing some logging. Yeah, exactly. Just felling this dude. Cool.

Next of the order is Philo. Acid arrow shoots an acid arrow. You are right up. You are right up on. him. So this, I believe, would be made with disadvantage, uh, since it is a ranged attack. Uh, and you are, you are not quite range. Shocking grasp. Shocking grasp. Now we're talking. Okay. What's it look like? What's puppet

philo? Like what tool does this look like? Because it seems like an opportunity for a neat, uh, you know, artifice or gadget or something. Yeah, his, his, his, his cute little gloves. His, his, his cute little, you know, puppet gloves. Okay. Um, um, shocking, grasp. Lightning springs from his hands to deliver a shock to the creature. Uh, you make a melee spell attack against the target. You have advantage on the attack roll. If he's wearing armor made of metal, he is not. Okay, on a hit, the target takes one D8 lightning damage and it can't take reactions until the start of its next turn. Ah, very smart. Okay. So, the 19. Yes, that is a hit. Two D8.

Are you casting it as a higher level spell? Oh, yes. Five. Great. You reach out with these electrified gloves and just give him the old defibrillator. Clear! Yeah. It knocks him backwards a bit, and he nearly loses his footing.

But then he stands up looking just angrier than ever. Next in the order is mutt. I am going to cast animal friendship at second level to target both swarms of rats. And I looked it up and as they are swarms, they're one creature each. That is true. So I'm going to cast animal friendship on both swarms. Oh, yeah. So when you use the spells a second level or higher, you can affect one additional beast.

But first, okay. You're going to make a wish and save a number. Not for or higher. Wisdom saving throw, yes. Or they will be charmed. Okay, the first swarm of rats. We'll call this the one on the left there. Rolls a five.

So that's not going to do it. And then the east swarm of rats rolls a 11. Does that save? Nope. Spouse save is 15. You have now charmed both of these sworements. of rats. Excellent.

All right, boys. We got some excavating to do. Start chewing. And I command them to chew in a small circle around Excalibur. Because rats can chew. Scalibur. Thank you. Rats can chew through bone.

So if we can't pull the sword out. Interesting. We'll take part of the bone with us. Okay. Very cool. Okay. Well, they are next in the order. So they are both going to set out to do that.

Why don't we make this interesting and have you roll for the rats? Oh, you know what, I'll do it. It'll just be an attack roll, I guess, against the skull. Okay. Yeah, the first one got a seven, so they are not especially successful in doing it. The second one, crit. So they are going to do some serious nibbling. and how this will be reflected is it is going to lower the strength check DC to remove Scalibur,

should you choose to go that route. I have that number here. I'm going to keep that private. Okay. You have made it. Now, I also have a number. I've written down, Griffin, perhaps. Oh, okay, cool, cool.

And do they get to save against this charm? How does... No. if we harm them if me or one of my companions who target the spell ends. God, this lasts 24 hours. These are your fucking road dogs.

Yeah, man. Or rats, I suppose. Okay. Well, they're not going to attack you, clearly. Is that what... Does charmed me and you get to... What, animal friendship? Right, right, right.

Do you get to command them? They're friendly to command. No, not really. No, no, no. They're charmed by me. for the spells duration. Right. So Charmed is a status effect.

That means they can't attack you or target you with harmful abilities or magic effects, and they have advantage, you have advantage on any ability check to interact socially with the creature. So I think the way that we'll do this is if it gets around to another round of them,

you're going to need to roll animal handling to get them to actually do this stuff. Because Charm isn't mind control necessarily. That's like a whole other kettle of fish. Got it. But I like this a lot, and so I will, I shall allow it. But next. in the order is the Turbo Cardinal.

What can he do? Let's do something fun with him. Okay. First thing he is going to do is use a legendary action. Oh, no, he doesn't do those on his turn. Okay. He is going to realize he is literally

surrounded right now. And he is going to shape change. He turns into a cloud of mist. And he is going to disappear and reappear

several feet away about 20 feet away from you. As he reappears, he is going to look at you, Lady Godwin, and say, you're pretty strong. How'd you like to work for me. And he is going to charm you.

I need you to make... May I point something out? Should he have not taken damage again from the flaming sphere at the start of that turn? No, because he wasn't adjacent to it. He moved forward to attack you. You do get to move... You could move the flaming sphere as a bonus action,

but you did not do that. That's fine. You need to make a DC-17 saving throw. Just for the record, I meant to cast protection from good and evil. on Justin, on everybody, or Justin, but instead I did animal friendship to get the rass let you the bun and, you know, sliding doors, you know what I mean? Yeah, sure, sure.

So this is a wisdom safe? Yes, DC-17. So we're looking for here. Oh, man, 15. Oh, pretty good. So your turbo carnal's looking pretty good right now, actually. You thought he was, like, creepy and big and strong and scary at first, but now you see him, and he actually seems like a trusted friend who needs to be heated. and protected.

Okay, cool. Yeah. So you're going to need to take his requests or actions in the most favorable way you can. Okay. And he says, he looks down actually at the rats that are shooting through Scalibur, and he looks pretty nervous. And he said, exterminate those vermin, wouldn't you? Would you kindly?

And that is going to be his turn. It's your turn now, Godman. Yeah, I got a, I got a, yeah, I'm going to have to, I'm going to have to attack the rats. My rats! My road dogs! When did she say? Okay, you know what I'm going to do?

I'm going to attack one rat. It is a swarm, it is a sort of one, a single entity. So, I guess to take his, I mean, I don't take, we just covered this, though, right? I don't need to take orders. You take his request or actions in the most favorable way you can. Okay. Yeah, okay. So I guess I'm just going to like kick him.

Okay. Kick at the rats to try to disperse the swarm. Sure. Make an unarmed attack roll, please. That one is a critical failure on that. No kidding. You can tell my heart was not in it. Yeah.

Thank you. That's fucking wild. Okay. Yeah, I mean, on a crit fail, there's nothing really you add to that to change it. So he looks at you and he says, really? That's the best you can do. I apologize. Next time, give me another shot.

All right. Holy shit. It's another one. Wow. What are the fucking odds? You would roll two critical failures in a row. Griffin, the odds are one and 20 because it doesn't change. from roll to roll because it doesn't take.

That's not actually the right odds, because the odds are not one in 20. One in 400. Yeah. No, because they don't, it doesn't expect. We're not doing this. The two happening in sequence. But the sequence, it being back to back,

does not change the order. No, but you're incorrect. He wasn't accountant in a former arc. I know. Listen, this is duller than dishwater. Let's move on. He looks over at you mutt and he says, I should have charmed you, I guess.

All right. I mean, buy me dinner first, you know what I mean? It is your turn, Philo. Philo, now that he's freed, no longer in the grasp, right, of the Turbo Cardinal? Yeah, I mean, you weren't in his grasp. He just attacked you. You were too close.

He's going to cast Melfth's Acid Arrow. Okay. That's an arrow. I'd like to fling. Yeah. At... at stone around Scalibur. Oh, interesting. Okay. Cool. Make an attack roll, please.

That would be nine? Hmm. Come on, against a bunch of stone. It's bone. I mean, it is bone. This will work to limited effect, I will say. You see, Mel Sasadero has a bit of a spray, though, doesn't it? It turns into a spray of acid

Make a range spell attack against the target On a hit the target takes 4D4 acid damage immediately Okay 2D4 acid damage at the end of its next turn So on a miss the arrow splashes the target with acid For half as much of the initial damage So go ahead and roll damage Against the...

That would be 4D4, that's 10 So 5 Okay That has to help with that Yeah for sure Right. Some of the bone continues to erode away. You can see more of this, like, intricate Celtic knot pattern on the sword now as it melts away.

Did any of it get on the Turbo Cardinal? No, the Turbo Cardinal, you can see the map, right? He's like, I'm supposed to this right now. I didn't know how big the splash was. Sure. Anything else you want to do on your turn? When does Godwin get to save against it? So Godwin can save when someone does.

damage to her. Okay. Come on, cowards. Do it. I'm going to make an insight check. Okay. That'll teach him. I want to see what the hell On's doing during all this.

On's gone. On's gone. I mean, you're standing on his skull, but this, like, avatar of On has vanished. All right. Well, then I'll save it. Cool. Do you have any bonus attacks or anything that you could hit Godwin with? Let's see

I have You can move I have I have pole arm That's not Polarm master bonus attack But that's after a melee Yeah

You do have your flaming skull out there That you can move with a bonus attack I can cast healing word as a bonus action But you can move You can move the flaming orb thing To hit Godwin Hmm boy Okay

Or she's going to get us. I don't think I can, can I move it as a bonus action? Can, that's the only way you can move it. And that's what I do. Okay. I move the flaming orb near Godwin. Okay, I assume. And hope it doesn't hurt.

No, you wanted to hurt her. Around the swarm of rats, you move it so that it does not get it. Oh, yeah. Okay, you move it next to Lady Godwin. Godwin make a dexterity saving throw, please. You got it. I cannot, this is actually now beyond. I rolled another one.

Yeah. Oh my gosh. Another one. Okay. Not great. Well, not great for your health, but perhaps. Right, but like. For your health.

There hasn't been a single one of these charmed rolls. Yeah. Mac roll a 2D6 fire damage against Lady Goblin. That is nine. Okay. Godwin, you take nine points of fire damage. Oh, fuck! Now you get to make a...

Oh, I'm sorry. Now you get to make a wisdom saving throw, Godwin. Eight? No. It's okay. Next to the order is you, Mutt. Time to give the sword the old college. All right.

Gonna give Scaliber a tug job. Gross. All right, make a... What's gross about that guy? I'm talking about that. on it to get a job done. What's gross? Make a strength check. I have reduced the check.

It's a 19. With a 19. You grab Scaliper by the hill. You hear the same chorus of angels and look down. It is not

as noble, perhaps, as when King Arthur first drew it. I want a chunk of a bun to come away with it. from the stone. It is covered in acid slime and rat drool and it's pretty gross looking. But in one swift pull upwards,

you draw the sword from the bone. Instantly, that just cut his fucking own head off in real life. Instantly, a vision appears in front of you. It is a wise. old man wearing a tall blue hat, blue robes, stars all over him, half-moon spectacles in his eyes. He says, congratulations. You have become the new king of England. Fuck yeah, man.

What is your name, my liege? Crawford, Martin, everybody calls me mutt. I'm king might. I'm king might. He kneels and says, King Mutt. Yeah, man. It is an honor. Shit, yeah, dude. You also immediately feel the ground beneath your feet

begin to rumble. And a spray of black smoke begins to slowly broil upwards from the hole where you drew Scalibur. What do you do? Oh, right. Um, I poke Lady Garland with the sword Holy shit, okay

I put the sword back Wait, I put the sword back I put the sword back in the thing You immediately put the sword back in the hole And I let go see what I just want to see what happens You see on for a second reappear I have Awake it off

Okay then I pulled this one back out again real quick Put it back. I pull it half out. Behold my gift. A wiggle it around. Oh, ow, ow, ow. All right, man. Each time you pull it, Merlin reappears.

Congratulations. Yeah, no, no, no, we got it, man. We got it. We got it. We got it. Oh, the new king of England. Yeah, man, no, yeah, I got it. What is your name, my niece?

I'm king much. Shut up, man, I'm thinking. I'm freed Behold my wrath Hold on I put it back Shut up I need the thing Maximum Fun A Worker Owned Network of Artist-owned

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