The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 2

Episode Date: January 18, 2024

The Dracula Hunters head into the town of Lumineax to gather information from some familiar faces. Brother Phileaux makes a confession. Lady Godwin tests her strength. Mutt confronts a frenemy. Additional Music in this Episode: "I'm a Monster" by Nuno Adelaida: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Nuno_Adelaida; and "Kindness" by Edoy: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Edoy/. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary, when I was just a boy count, my tireless studies were interrupted one midsummer morning by the beautiful sound of music wafting in my window. I took flight from the castle, following the sound to an encampment of traveling troubadours. I delighted in their frivolous, freewheeling jam sessions until sundown, at which time my father located me and had the entire assembly impaled. Dick move, I thought, but it did impress upon me the importance of the conservation of the arts. That idea is the bedrock of Luminoe, and why, though my accomplishments are great and numerous, it is my unrivaled masterwork. A lighthouse, landlocked and 10 stories tall, stands at the heart of the city of Luminow.

There's always a lighthouse. There's always a lighthouse. This is connected to the Bioshockverse, and big thanks to my boy Ken Levine for all of his help. Okay, can I just say something about the, there's always a lot. Yeah, please. Yeah, I mean, can I just say one hopes? You know, because otherwise you got ships. Yeah?

Oh, just. No damn idea. the land is. So yeah, there is always a lighthouse, Ken. It's like when I, like if I need to go to the second floor, there is always stairs. Right. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's not remarkable. It's like, I have to get up there. Right. Yeah. There's always stairs. There's always a door. Yeah, Ken, I'm outside. Yeah. Well, now to be fair. In the prairie, there's never, I mean, they wouldn't have a lighthouse. That's a true. That's a good point. And I will say here in Lumino, there is no ocean or, uh, lake or anything nearby. There's a,

There's no reason for a lighthouse here. This is purely... Then take it away. Why did you put it there, Griffin? It's decorative. You put it there. A brilliant amber light. Cascades.

Take your chotchky down before we do our... Yeah, man. Cascades. I'm sorry that you left all this shit on the map, but clean it up, man. All right, there's no more lighthouse because you guys talk... No, no, I love the lighthouse. Okay, the lighthouse is back. Oh, God.

A brilliant amber light cascades down from the lighthouse's peak, surrounding the city and its warm protective glow. Though eternal night has settled on the kingdom of Ongrave, you wouldn't know it walking these streets. The light of Lumino Tower casts an illusion of early sunset down every boulevard refracted by thousands of mirrors down every alleyway. No matter where you stand, every hour in Lumino is golden. Through the portcullis of the city's southern checkpoint. That's why there's so many influencers. That's right.

You can see through the Port Cullis of the Southern checkpoint, the hustle and bustle of the city's inhabitants, all of which are driven. dressed in simple, ill-fitting bohemian garments. Lady Godwin, you notice it is a far cry from the aristocratic trappings of Luminow seven years prior. Beret adorned people sit idly on cafe patios, sketching, writing, and poetasting the day away. Buskers line every street corner, as do their audiences. In every direction you see art and artists except for immediately in front of you. Immediately in front of you, you see a booth built into the wall by the portcullis leading into the city, and inside a smiling man wearing a pressed blue suit and a tall red fez.

As he sees you emerge from the flaming wreckage of the carriage that brought you here, he snaps his fingers, and from a gate nearby, a team of guards hop forward to extinguish the flames and cart away the body of your unfortunate driver. They move with practice deficiency as though removing the unsightly evidence of bloodshed is a common practice in these parts. As you approach, the smiling man waves you forward and says, welcome travelers to Luminow It seems you had some trouble getting here But hopefully it will have been worth it

Now if you could please state your name And the reason for your visit be it business, pleasure Or maybe something in between Pleasure business He writes down pleasure business No sorry that was a question Oh great greetings my name's lady Goldwyn you certainly recognize

to me. My eyes are up here. Way up there. I'm here to visit Dr. Frankenstein. There seems to be a bit of bodily confusion. Ah, I understand. Unfortunately,

Dr. Frankenstein no longer resides within the city of Lumino. But I suppose you may be able to follow up on his whereabouts from some of the citizens here, if you so choose. Lady God, That name strikes me as familiar.

You're a former inhabitant, yes. I am still present. I have lost a step or two in the social circles that I travel in. So my name has not been scandalizing the yellow sheets, as it were. But, yeah, you'll still find me in the hustle and the bustle. Yes, of course. Still very active. As a citizen of you.

Lumano, you will, of course, be granted access. What about your two associates? Oh, yeah. Hey, I'm Crawford Munger. You can call me Munt. Everybody does. This is, of course, Lady Agatha Thistleweight. You don't have to introduce dogs here. Dogs get in for free at Lumino. That seems simple. You don't want to know the dog's name? Not really. Oh, okay. Well, you just told me a lot about yourself. What's that bird's name? There's a bird on that branch there.

That is a wild bird, and he goes by whatever name he chooses. Now, she chose Lady Agatha Fitzweight, and that's her name. Now, listen, I'm here, because I made a promise to kick Dracula's ass and take his teeth and turn him into earrings. So, is Dracula, do you know where Dracula is in here that I could go kick his ass to take his teeth and turn him into earrings? Or do you know somebody who knows where Dracula is? I could kick his ass and take his teeth and turn him to earrings. Do you know a jeweler? Because I just realized I don't know how to turn teeth into earrings.

So we'll call that step three. Sorry, did you say Crawford Muttner? Yeah, that's me. I thought the Muttner clan had been exterminated. No, we're down to two. We have had quite a few losses in recent years. We have, yeah. I don't know in good conscience if I can admit you to.

the city and be somewhat responsible for the extinguishing of your family's beautiful candlecroft. No, that's cool, man. I suggest you, perhaps you should return home and rethink this plan of vengeful accessory crafting. No, I understand. But see, my brother got beat up so bad by the invisible man that he died. I hate that dude. That dude is a real piece.

shit, an invisible piece of shit if he asked me. But I do need to kick Dracula's ass to take a seat and try to me earrings. I... Can I... I'll just say I can't see the problem with him. But Dracula? Or the invisible man? Oh, I get it. Oh, that was a good one. Excellent jokes.

I haven't laughed like that in ages. I didn't hear. So, Crawford... I'm a very a chortel. I can admit you to the city, but I must warn you that you will not be able to find Dracula without

leaving the city through the northern checkpoint, which is unfortunately closed to all who do not have business beyond the city's borders. I have business. I need to kid Dracula's ass to take his teeth and turn him into earrings. He's been clear. And then I'm going to open a theme

bar, which is a business. Just try not to make any trouble, yes, and keep your dog on a leash, perhaps, yes? Well, man, yeah, well, obviously... I am no dog. No, not you. The other one. lady. Yeah, of course I'll keep her on leash. I don't need to

because she's super well trained, but you know, there's always emergencies and surprises and everything, and I like to keep her close and safe. And what about you, churchman? I recognize it. Yes, hold on. Zero rights, said rights, Zeppelin rights, zero rights,

zoology rights. Oh, okay. I'm sorry. I've just seen the last rights over our coach bearer, coach driver. Ah, yes. Yes, it was. It takes a while. Did you just take a wild stab at his religious affiliation before you began this? I just always assume that...

It sounded like you was covering your bases. He was kind of getting them all in there. I always cover my bases, yes. By getting zeppelin. What brings a man of the cloth to this illuminated city of sin? I am the spiritual advisor to this group. It seems very important. that someone be based in the arts of which they are investigating the vampiric lore,

and also to keep them on the straight and narrow path. Yeah. I'm sort of at a, their spiritual advisor. It's true. He's got his hands full. My body is built for sin now, as you can see. I'm a real wild. Wow, boy, I'm wilding out everywhere.

I can tell. You can see why they need my guidance. Yes, every group should have just a church guy in it to ensure a good behavior. Well, hey, I... There's three things that there's three things you got to have in every venture. Yeah. There's a church guy. Yeah.

Sword guy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone. If you got more than that, it's too many. Yeah. Checks across the board.

Uh, I see. Okay, well, um, fair, all of you may enter into the city. Please, uh, no acts of violence are permitted, uh, within these walls. Uh, if you are caught doing so, you shall be jailed, find, or expelled from the city. Yes, you'll have your hand raised, uh, Mr. Muthner. Is there, do you have some kind of like, uh, like rule book or something that outlines what counts is an act of violence? is like, there's, I mean, like, if I shove somebody, right, am I out? Or is it like, start it stabbing and go from there?

Are you planning on doing some pushing today? I mean, you never know. Everyone gets the shoves from time to time. Sometimes I get, you know, just a little bit of zoomies. You know what I mean? And I'm going around, trying to get through a crowd or whatnot. You know what I mean? You never plan on shoving, really.

But then the shove comes upon you and you just got to shove, shove, shove. What if I accidentally drop? an anvil on someone on the street. Oh, but it's in the process of music. Or a baby grand piano. Baby grand piano. If I forget to put a manhole cover back and somebody walks it, falls through it. Does that count?

Yes. Unintentional consequences. Yes, again, I must say, normally people do not ask me these sorts of questions. People don't try to pencil in cartoon violence into their schedules. Okay, Wild Boy, let's just try and keep it. clean, air on the side of caution, let's say. I can provide you with a map of the city of some of our big highlights here, places you may be able to

visit on your quest. I, of course, encourage you to visit the theater district, perhaps take in one of our mini shows or concerts, attune yourself to the ghost light. Is there an opera currently? There is always... There is always an opera. White House Opera. Okay, keep going.

If you need any assistance here in the city, if you lose your way or need a lead in order to follow, please just call my name and I shall attend to you post-haste. And what was your name? My name is Robert Halloween. Okay. So simply holler out, Robert Halloween, and I shall attend to your needs post-haste.

I was about to ride that down, Robert, but I don't know exactly how I have. Expect to forget Robert Halloween. I'm the mayor. Oh, and that make you work the front desk? I wear a lot of hats. I can see that. Right now it's just the Fez, but later on, who boy?

I assume there were smaller ones underneath. Yes. I just wrote down Robert Halloween. I don't think I needed to do that. Hey, Robert, I do have one question, Robert. Do you know any crossbow purveyors in town that maybe sell like unicorn bone, like maybe like antique family airline type crossbows. I see.

If you are looking to be outfitted for some sort of quest, which again I must tell you will not be possible. The mists will be the place for you to go for that. But perhaps it would be better for you to get your bearings a bit before. May I, may we go through the gate with any sort of special dispensation from you, Robert Halloween? You want, sorry, you want money from me. No, if you would give us your sort of... Ah, I see, I see.

The northern checkpoint. Yes, in order to pass to that, I'm afraid, you would need an endorsement from a city councilor. Not the mayor. No. I'm more of a figure. Do they have more juice than you? This is sort of a figurehead position, you understand.

And I'm extremely... You're like the pumpkin king. Sort of, yes, yes. Robert Halloween. Do you happen to... of course I knew all of them in my heyday, but do you happen to know who the current council makeup is? Yes, of course. There's Professor Jasmine, and of course there's Tricky Doug. And of course, we have little Michael.

Please let me finish. Do not say time out. There's little Michael. Swamp thing. No. Okay. Conan. Chris.

And, listen, we've all been DM now. Was Griffith's mention of a city council on an absolute written invitation to ask who the fuck the city council? And of course,

isn't that what he wants from us? Our newest member, Mr. Pierre Reynolds, is a city councilor as well. That's the only one I'm writing down. You're not writing down Swamphingham? No.

Tricky Doug, Little Michael. I think if somebody is just visiting. Is his city characters? Um. Any other questions? I am a fault of knowledge.

What's that? Did you say Pierre Carmichael? No. I said Pierre Reynolds, who was your associate in spreading the word about shingles awareness seven years ago on the night of your terrible accident. Yeah, I just won't like, we got these two beautiful ashen horses here, and they no longer have an owner or a carriage to pull. Can you, like, stable them for us till we need them? I don't see any horses. You look back.

One of the horses ran away, I think, shortly after biting Lady Godwin right on the hand. The other one has since fled since things have sort of calmed down. I'll call him later. Okay. Well, he turns a crank and the import call is open. It's great to you access. He says, oh, real mature. Yes, very nice.

No, I just, for a second, thought about it would be great if it wasn't connected to anything. Because, like, it was already open. He just turned a crank to signal. This encounter is done. You may proceed, of course. I encourage you to holler my name any time the spirit. Robert Halloween! Yes, what is it?

How can I help me? No, sorry, it's just Braxton. Okay, I've got a sort of Pavlovian thing. Anyway, off you go! You all stroll into the city of Lumino. If you will look at Roll 20, I believe you should be able to see the map that has been given you. Oh, there's a lighthouse in the middle. There is.

Lumino Tower you can see is standing proud over the city and the theater district. that long sort of row of grand buildings. Mark has a sort of checkpoint here on the map as a place for tourists to come visit. It's the ghost light pub right in the heart of the theater district and the heart of the city. You can also see a few other places of interest here. The parish, a grand cathedral you can see as you enter into the city in a fairly sort of inactive part of town. You can also see the mist's outfitter, both checkpoints and Frankenstein's lap in the northeast quarter there. You all walk into this city.

Lady Godwin, again, I must impress upon you, it is a totally different vibe here. Back when you rolled through Lumino and, you know, ran some shit, it was very aristocratic, very upper crust. You, yeah, all around, you just see signs of art. people in clothes that they clearly have made. There are, everybody make a perception check for me. There's a three from Godwin, actually a critical one from Godwin. 17 from Crawford. Okay.

Crawford, you notice there's a lot of people sitting around creating and consuming art. You notice especially just sort of musical performers on every street corner and people listening to it. You also notice that there are people who are standing in groups and kind of swaying rhythmically as though they are listening to music that is not being performed by anyone. Silent Disco, man. A sort of silent disco situation. And you see that all of those people, and in fact, I would say maybe half the folks here living in Luminon, you can see, have bolts in their neck similar to a Frankenstein, but unlike Lady Godwin, both of the bolts are on one. one side. And all of the people who have both seem to be viking on just like a whole different level.

In a position, one might say, of a traditional vampire bite mark? Yes, you could say that, yes, of course. I will say that. Okay. You all walk into the city, and this is what you see, and I will give you all a chance to decide sort of what happens next. You've got some places you can go. You can do a little scouting work. You can do whatever you want. You can have a moment to sort of strategize amongst your characters. Lady Godwin, do you want to stop by your house while we're here and get your mail or whatever? It's been seven years.

Probably stacked up. Oh, I guess I should. Yes, the thought it didn't even occur to me, so distressed by it. I'm also rather curious about these boat-necked youngsters here. Would be very interested to learn more about them. perhaps give myself a bit more context. Griffin, can I make in this world knowing about like monstery things, would that be like nature, survival?

I will say it's survival if you are wanting to know sort of about monsters. If you're asking about animals, it would be nature. Okay, wow. That's a 19. Okay, what specifically are you trying to glean here, Crawford? Can I, is there, what do I know about like vampire thrall and things like that? Interesting. Swaying.

Yes. And it seems a little hypnotic to me. You, you have seen vampiric thralls before. This is not exactly that. These people do appear to be under some sort of like, you know, if not spell, some sort of, you know, mass hypnotic event, perhaps. You, I think, very faintly, because you are sort of more switched on as a ranger than your associates, you can feel sort of in the vibrations of your inner ear a sort of like almost tinnitus level music that is just sort of permeating this whole area. And I think, you know, do you come often to Lumino?

I'm guessing not since you were sort of. No, I am, as a traitor, like that's how we've been making it. We collect, like, you know, the reagent's teeth, hair, different organs and whatnot that someone would use from potions from monsters and stuff, man. You got to collect it. You know this city's sort of nickname is the singing city of Lumino. There is a music that permeates the very amber light that covers this entire area. And these people with the bolts in their neck, they seem to be vibing to it.

to a level that you are sort of unable to. I relay all that information to the party. Okay. What next? Can I have a, just because of why we're here, can I pull aside the first sort of like person with the bolts of their next to I can see. Excuse me.

Excuse me, Auden. You see a young woman with dark red hair and the bolts, of course, in her neck. She is wearing a black sort of patchy sweater that is very, very large. That's a cool look. She looks up at, everybody here is just very cool, looks up at you, and she says, yes, what is it? How can I help you? Sorry, I had a lady Gotham.

Nice, cool. Yes, she's back. I don't know who that is. Fair enough I wanted to ask about the The boats dear I've been Gone for some time

I hope you For you My rudeness But I cannot but wonder I wanted to know About the two boats In your name Oh you've got them too don't you

They're just on the one's on the wrong side Yes And they're very big Right So where can I Procure these sort of new More streamlined I want to card boats

Well, that might be somewhat difficult now, boats, so not anyone can qualify for them. But I suppose that if you make your way to any sort of shopkeep or sort of back alley boat hardware vendor of some sort, they can hook you up. That's not really, it's sort of impolite to ask. It is, are you reanimated yourself? Am I reanimated? only by the groove, baby? Gross. Sorry, what are the bolts for?

I feel so old. Just asking. She says, oh, hold on, hold on, one second. The song's ending. And she reaches up and she twists one of the bolts and so does everybody else around here. And they start vibing much faster to a different beat entirely.

Oh, yeah, she says, this is my jam. I think. So they're like AirPods, right? I almost said that as much. And I'm like, mut doesn't fucking know what AirPods are. It's almost like a radio. It's almost like they have all tuned a radio to the same frequency and are now jamming to a different song entirely.

Okay. But they don't seem to be reanimated. They are not, these are not dead people. These are just hipsters essentially with bolts in their necks. Lady Godwin, is there any chance that your bolts will serve the same function and you just don't remember it? I suppose. Let's be give it a...

Oh! Fuck! Make a... Fucking Christ! Okay. Fuck! So, that's a no, then. Two...

It was quite sensitive, and I'm extremely strong. Two checks. One, I'm going to need a Constitution-saving throw from you, Lady Godwin, as you turn these bolts that are in your neck that are not designed for this, but you can... I didn't know that. and it was a fair question, and I wanted to find out. Yes, and this is the, this is what happens because of it. This is the result.

This is the finding out. This is the finding out. You fucked around, you did find out. 17, very good. 17. You are made from sturdier stuff than this, a little twisting of a bolt that's not supposed to bolt turn in your neck. It doesn't do any harm to you.

Next, I'll need a wisdom saving throw from you. Now that one? Yes. That's a weak point. Okay, let's see. No, it's not. 16. Now, Griffin, you know how dice work.

Just because I got lucky, Doesn't mean I'm wise. The broken clock, et cetera, et cetera. You turn the knob on your neck and as you do, you hear like a hundred songs all at the same time just sort of blasting into your mind in a way that it seems like this is not the way that this is supposed to work. You just hear like, somebody will. And then you hear like a little bit of like Moonlight Sonata and then you hear some. But it's something happens. Yeah, something happens.

It's not completely different. It's not completely different. No, you have two pieces of metal in your neck that have allowed you to sort of like dial into Lumino radio as it were. Like when Lucille Ball said she picked up radio signals on her feelings. It's a lot like that, yes. The person who you were talking to turns back to her crew

and starts bopping along to the same song. I don't know about y'all, but when I come in Lumino for trading stuff, when I'm going to get a little bit of gossip, because I love it. I love a gossip. The hot gossip, I go to the, Pub. Should we go to the pub first? Oh.

I mean, you don't have to... I'm not saying let's go get wasted. I don't say... I won't get a moment's peace. Well, he may be right. That's usually because

the drink sometimes lubricates the tongue. And it's open mic night, so like, that's fine. Fuck you. Would you... Would you even sullia play a place? like that with your, sorry, let me rephrase that.

Would you sell it yourself by entering a place like that, Padre? Oh, no. No, yes, I would. Because even the Bright Lord went into the places where the downtrodden were and the evil to try to reach them and have them change their ways. And I could probably use a hot toddy too. I mean, it's a nice place. They got a kids, me.

menu and it's nice. Yeah, it's not seedy or nothing. Nuggies? We should have way to the pub. They have Nuggies, yeah. They all and they all speak in these fun pirate accents when they wait on you and stuff.

It's really nice. You fucking jerk. Most of the plants humans eat are technically grass. Most of the asphalt we drive on is almost a liquid. The formula of double WD-40 is San Diego's greatest secret.

Zippers were invented by a Swedish immigrant love story. On the podcast secretly incredibly fascinating, we explore this type of amazing stuff. Stuff about ordinary topics like cabbage and batteries and socks. Topics you'd never expect to be the title of the podcast, secretly, incredibly fascinating. Find us by searching for the word secretly in your podcast app. And at maximum fun.org. I'm Dan McCoy. I'm Stuart Wellington.

I'm Elliot Kalen. And together we are the flop house, a long-running podcast on the Maximum Fun Network, where we watch a bad movie and then talk about it. And because we're so long-running, maybe you haven't given us a chance. I get it. But you don't actually have to know anything about previous episodes to enjoy us. And I promise you that if you find our voices irritating, we grow endearing over time. Perhaps you listen to one of our old episodes and decided that we were dumb and immature.

Well, we've been doing this a while now. We have become smarter and more mature, and generally nicer to Dan. But we are only human, so no promises. Find the flop house on maximum fun.org or wherever you get podcasts. You all stroll through Luminow towards the sprawling theater district. It is outrageous. It is Broadway.

There are dozens of theaters and theaters. concert halls and museums, there is so much culture happening in this like four square blocks. They doing Phantom? They are doing Phantom. They are doing Spider-Man turn off the light, turn on the light.

Which one was it? The light flips on and off. Only one makes it, Griffin, if you can just bear down for one second, there's a joke about how this is a town It's always lit up. And I know that if you just wait and dream and hope for it, it'll be there. We can come back to it in a couple episodes if you want.

Yeah, I'll have a great Spider-Man joke here around episode four. So stay tuned. Hey, listen, I'm going to have a great Spider-Man joke knowing myself. Way before that. Way earlier. Just come and practice. You make your way to the theater district. It is this just sort of long row of places of art and culture.

and right at the entry to this corridor, you see the ghost-like pub. This is a new establishment, Lady Godwin, this was not here, nor was most of this theater district when you lived in liminal. As you walk into the building, you see a surprisingly tacky sort of place.

There's lots of knick-knacks and show posters and a lot of mimics. All over this building. It's just one sort of huge hall where people are drinking and conversing and doing pub stuff. It is totally full, thanks to its proximity here to the theater district, which is bustling more than any other part of the town. There's music playing out loud in here. Same sort of bohemian crowds, but there's a lot of sort of obvious tourists also mixed in here. As you all walk in, the bartender sees you all and says, Hello, may I prepare for you all a beverage. My name is Robert Hallowee. What? May I see to your thirst?

Yeah, man. Oh, fuck. Robert. Sorry, my mind is exploding with Griffin's genius. One man working at all the places. It was right there in front of us, guys. Why didn't I see it before? Fuck!

Robert, could I have... That's why he's the master. Could I have a double Brescco on the rocks? I'm... Can I just say, I am really sad that history, this being an audio podcast, history will lose the repeated Kieran Culkin eyebrow races

that Griffin just gave me. That's his point it became... I named my guy Robert Halloween. So there's more creativity that went into it. Yeah. Then what? Than Justin. No, no, no.

Griffin, Justin is, Justin should be cast in cyber history. You, what you have, what I have was done is laziness board of the moment. This is genius.

Yeah, thank you. You, you have, you have changes in the game. Typically, we don't serve Prosecco on the rocks,

Mr. But, but, um, I suppose we can make an example. You can do them like whiskey stones so it don't water down. Yes,

absolutely. He, and could I get a dish, a water for the lady, please. For, okay, she hands a dish,

no, for my dog. He has a dish of water to lady Godwin and says... No, no, the dog. No, for the dog. She pounds it.

Woof, woof. Now I'll have, uh, as long as the Bresco is open. Was there an end to that sentence? Because you just sort of, it's sort of disintegrate. Wouldn't you, wouldn't you like to know? My eyes are up here. I'll have the Brescco as well. He pours you a tiny, elegant little sniffter of Precico and hands it in your direction.

Um, I'd like a virgin meat, please. That's just Yes, okay, that's apple He hands you some apple juice Oh And an egg timer Sent to several weeks You all get your beverages

And take in the lay of the land You notice Lady Gobind I think it's easy for you to notice things In this type of situation Because you tower over everyone else in the room By a good foot and a half at least You notice in the back corner of the room, surrounded by a crowd of admirers and, in fact, a velvet rope sort of going around

his table. You notice a familiar face. You see Pierre Reynolds of the Pierre Reynolds for Schengel's awareness, an old associate of yours who appears to be doing quite well for himself. He is regaling everybody else at this table with what seems like delightful and and erudite sort of stories. And they are making quite a bit of ruckus back there, just sort of laughing and guffawing it up at this ground. You also recognize a familiar face, Crawford. And in fact, let's make a rivaled perception check

to see who notices who first. Okay. You notice sitting at a table before he notices you. Cedric Bolgarde. He is a big golden-haired, barrel-chested man wearing a leather vest. He's got so many different monster slaying implements on his person. Stakes, he's got two big golden crosses. He's got a whip.

He's got a, you know what? He has a vicious heavy crossbow, like the one that you recently lost in a tragic. Unavoidable. An unavoidable bit of negligence. And similarly, he has a crowd of young women who are surrounding him, sort of listening to his every word as he talks about his many adventures. I notice him first, right? Yes, you do. I am going to pick up a tray and approach him in such a way that he doesn't see my face.

But, like, I'm holding a tray like a server. Okay. You do that? Let's play that out. Am I close to him? Yeah, sure. Yeah, excuse me, sir. Can you hand me that can of Huffama?

Sorry, I didn't quite understand you. Did you say Huffama? What's Huffama? Huffa shorts, Cedric. And I slapped him in the back of the head. Make an attack roll. An unarmed attack roll on the back of Cedric's head. Well, he did have the tray.

Okay. So you did attack with a sickle. Well, I didn't have unarmed. We'll say that's a whoopsie. You did roll a four. Well, he didn't know I was coming. I should have advantage. That was a sneak attack.

You did talk to him, which sort of does. That's a surprise attack. You never think a server's going to smack you in the back of the head. I'll grade that to you. Go ahead and roll with advantage. Roll one more. I did. He doesn't have to.

He got a critical. Oh, okay. You got a fucking critical hit. You smack him so hard in the back of his head that he slams his face down into the table. Now I'm not trying to hurt him. I'm trying to mess up his hair. You did crit him, though, so you... Yeah, so I mess up his hair critically.

Okay, you mess up his hair critically. He looks up at you with shock and anger. He looks up on flipping him off. He reaches down to his whip, and then he looks up at you, and then he says, Crawford Muttner! Cedric Bogart, you old douche. You old so-and-so. What?

What? I said you old so-and-so. Oh, I was going to say the same thing, Crawford. How the hell are you, man? Doing pretty good. How you doing, Fedro? It's been too long. What brings you to Lumido? I never thought I would see your type mixing around with the Hoy-Paloia. Oh, I love theater, man. It's great.

What's your favorite show? Tell me now. What? Phantom. Phantom? Pedestrian. But I suppose it's a crowd-pleased. I was like stones in his pockets. What's that? Stones in his pockets? It's a two-man shows at in Ireland, about two people, well, they play a lot of different characters working on making a movie in a small Irish town. Sounds so boring.

You're boring. So you're here to consume the theater, Crawford? No, I'm here to kick Dracula's ass and take his teeth and turn it into earrings. What about you, man? What are you up to? You're crying? Is that crying noises? You intend to slay Dracula Crawford?

I mean, he might die from it, but I just kick his ass, take his teeth, throw him into earrings. No part of that, I guess, would be fatal. Crawford, I must say I have heard that quite a few misfortunes have befallen your family. I am surprised 27? Well, just from Dracula's hands,

Russell was the 28th. He got beat up by the Invisible Man so bad he died from him. I hate that man. He kicked my ass once too. Really? Yes. Invisible Man's a piece of shit. He is a shithead and I hope one day he gets what's coming to him.

I would say keep an eye out for him, but completely not possible. Doesn't do it. Listen, Crawford, you should probably think about giving up this exotic quest of yours and returning home. Don't you think you have, you have your poor mother to worry about? And if you are the last of the Crawford line, do you think it's more important to sort of preserve your legacy? But that's the point. So I was thinking once I killed Dracula and, or sorry, kick Dracula's ass, took his teeth, thrown him into earrings. Then maybe I'd get married, sell down, have a couple kids. I was going to see what your cousin was doing. Kick their asses.

No, I wouldn't. Or something. Croftly. Maybe me and my wife could exchange consensual earrings made of our own teeth and kind of a Billy Bob Thornton, Angelina Jolie, kind of thing. A beautiful thing to aspire to. What a model of healthy romance. Is your cousin Misty still single? Listen, we're not doing this.

Listen. Crawford. Crawford. Crawford. Unfortunately, unfortunately, I am going to slay Dracula this cycle. As you know, my family has done that. four times already, and so I intend to be... Not very good then, huh?

Sorry? If you had to kill him four times, doesn't seem like it's stuck. Ah, Crawford, certainly you should know that Dracula always comes back. We can purchase for the people of this land a bit of peace and respite from his torments, but Dracula always comes back. You must know this, yes? Hard for him to torment without teeth. Okay, that's an interesting idea. Listen, you're not going to win this one, Crawford.

I am going to slay Dracula to bring honor to my name, to my family. But, but, next time, he's all yours, buddy. He's all yours. You know what would be fun? If you told me where Dracula was and everything you know about killing him, and then it'd be like a race. Make a very high persuasion check. I'm not going to do it.

I mean, you're just critical. That's a one. Wow, Traff. Told you. That's a one. He says, okay, if you must know, I have secret intel on the location of Dracula. Yeah. You must first leave the town through the southern checkpoint.

Make your way back down the road, up into the hills, and then back to your house, and then into your bedroom, and then up your butt and around the corner. That damn it, Cedric. Highfiving everybody at the table all in a row. I go in for one. With a one. With a one? Yes. I got to.

Wait a going. This huge old lady gets it. What about you, Padre? High five. Did you hear my burn? Yes. Very, very Bernie. That was, that was.

My nods at Philo. Yeah, go ahead. You can have a five. Yes. Yes. That was pretty. I, well, I would. They're not high five.

Listen. I will give you kudos. Kudos, sir. As we all know, there are three steps to defeating Dracula, the three D's. And you seem to know none of them. In order to defeat Dracula must discover his weakness, determine his location, and then defeat... Dance Like No One's Watching. And Dance Like No One's Watching is a secret middle step, and you've found it, you've identified it,

and then the fourth step is to defeat Dracula. I don't think... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. I didn't get the third one? Dance like no one's watching. Dance like no one's watching. Ah. And then defeat Dracula.

You seem ill-equipped to do any of these Crawford. You and your party. Please go home. You're embarrassing yourself and me by extension because I know you. You still playing in the softball league, by the way? Like, am I going to see you this summer or what? Yeah, you'll see me at the softball league. Okay, cool, man.

Tell Misty, I said hi. I want to go kill Dracula now, okay? I'll, uh, have me the best man win, I suppose. You're going to tell Misty, though, right? Have her call me? Yes, I'll tell Misty. I'll have a call you. I'm not going to stand in the...

You all have something very special. Thanks, bro. High five. He high fives you. Dexterity saving through. Son of a... You're too slow. That's a six.

I move out of the way. You're too slow. Two of the people who are, like, sitting here and, like, listening to his every word, kind of sigh and then stand up and leave. Damn it. Damn you, Crawford. I'll see you pay. Crawford links one bigger and does it like a

little hash out one in the end. Okay. He sits back down and ignores you as he goes back to his conversation. Hey, brother Philo. Oh, yes. Make a perception check for me, please. Two.

Kind of warm in here. Okay. Oh, wait. Never mind. It's not that warm. Never mind. There's peanut shells all over the floor. I am wearing a burlap robe and a cowl.

I guess I could take the cowl down. Okay. As you all sort of make this big kerfuffle with Cedric, Pierre at the back of the room stands up. And he says, Oh, my lord, if it isn't impossible, impossible. There it is. Lady Godwin?

You yet leave? After a fashion? Sorry, I did not understand you, which I get is rich coming from me. After a fashion! I see. I watched you get thoroughly splattered by Dracula and the Wolfman in their very fast automobile. And you have recovered from this? Oh, recovered, yes, in so much as I still have my heart well.

No. My brain, my soul, and this luscious body that I assume is borrowed because my, rather more stately frame must be somewhere in, perhaps in Frankenstein's possession? I know not. It was exploded. I know. I saw it get pretty thoroughly exploded. Yes. It is not existing. Okay. Good. You did. So, sorry. Wait. You've just confirmed. You did. You did. see be killed? Yes, it was horrific. Your whole body just sort of vanished and your head went flying through the air

like a football being kicked by a football player. So, there's no chance that I'm getting that original model back is where you're at. You would need some sort of scraping device and a time machine to seven years ago

to scrape it up off the pavement like so many pancakes. Grape, Stephen. Let's... If I could ask you... I forgot about the existence of my favorite breakfast food grapes. If I can...

If I can... If I can... One more question. Before you, return your attentions to Brother Philo. When I was splattered, like so many crapes, shooting my innards hither and yarn,

with my blood, repainting the stained glass windows the nearby buildings... Like a human pinae. Like, as you've said, like a human, a human fiatur. Did I do it in sort of an elegant way? I will say the arc that your disembodied head took through the air was ballet-like, yes. If there was a ballet of just hits.

And there you have it, gentlemen class is born and not learned. As this conversation is taking place, brother filing. you feel someone tug at the back of your robes. Kill them. Kill them. And we are, you turn to see who has done so, and it is a little boy,

and he's wearing a red button-down shirt and some darker red slacks. And he looks up at you with surprise, and then starts walking away from you backwards, almost in fear towards the door to the ghost light pub. Whoa, my son, what is troubling you? And he follows him. He goes to leave.

He leaves the ghost light pub, and you see him walking out onto the street, still backwards, still looking at you making eye content. Philo calls back over his shoulder. Friends, I have to step out for just, a moment. Hold on, hold on, young man. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

And follows him out. Okay. You follow him out and he, UC takes off on a sprint out of the theater district towards the parish on the sort of southwestern quarter of town. He sprints for just a couple of minutes and you pursue him to this grand cathedral.

You see him step inside. It looks positively derelict. There is really nobody in this part of town. There is nobody inside of this building. As far as you can see, it looks as though no one has been in here in several years. Cobwebs line the windows. Parts of the sort of stonework have crumbled and fallen down. to the ground below. This is not an active place of worship.

All right. Brother Philo steps inside the door. Can he do an investigation check? Absolutely, you can. That's a 16. So you're investigating from outside or inside? No, I stepped inside. Okay. From the very back of this sort of cathedral as you step in, you see that the inside of this building is in a similar state of disrepair. There is no one around. There are pews that have been crumbled. You see that actually there's a lot of pews that are obviously missing. People have broken in here and done a bit of looting, you expect. There's stained glass shards sort of scattered all over the floor. There are some sort of cracks in the stone foundation that have formed and you see plant life starting to sort of like grow up into the room. You also see with a 16 at the back of the room a confessional booth divided into two sides, one of which is illuminated, and you see the silhouette of a man inside.

And a voice comes from that booth. And it says, yes, come forth, child. Are you ready to make your confession? Yes, yes, I am. One moment. I need to make another check. Okay, what are you making? I want to make a religion check.

I want to see if this is still sanctified ground. Ooh, very good. Very good call. Very good call. 11. I mean, hmm, is it sanctified ground? It is not. It is not.

That sort of power has to be, has some sort of upkeep to it, right? You can't just, like, build a church and then it is eternally saying. sanctified ground. It must be sanctified. And it is in such a state of disuse that it is not. I will also say this check is not very high. There is some sort of power here, some sort of influence here that you can't quite tell. But it is not sort of a flavor that you are familiar with. Okay. Brother Fylo makes the, he walks up at the confessional, makes the sign of the sun. usually the sun. S-U-N, sign of the sun. Which is... A hadukan. Dad is doing a hadukan with a...

Both hands extended... Okay. A spider shadow puppet. A sort of horizontal haduca. If you will. Okay. And walks in and sits in the confessional. Okay.

He says, Greetings, child. It has been some time since I have done this. this land has been lost to heathens. But what can I do you for? Um, well, uh, I must confess. Yeah? Well, that's, that's what I must, I must confess.

Um, I'm trying to think, uh, oh, uh, I gave some demonic people shingles really bad. by making magic go in their mouth. So that was bad. What a great way to phrase it, too. The grossest imaginable way of phrasing it. And I considered ordering regular mead. And just the thought of that, I think, is something I should be ever given up. And I don't know.

It's okay if it's just two things. It is, but I also, I must be honest, just being in this poor husk of a worship place, I feel a little sinish just being in here. What has happened, my brother? Oh, Father, please. To this wonderful, I mean, it's got good bones, this cathedral. A real fixer-up, earth. What has happened?

Well, I must first inform you that the bone cathedral is on the other end of town. That is where they worship the god of bones, skeletor. Oh, I see. Of course. But I'll try to check that. That was not on the map, so I'll look at that later. But what has happened here? You see, my child, people in Luminow, they have little use for the gods in a place such as this.

one is seeking out the power of the divine, Dracula especially. And so you couldn't, like, tidy up occasionally? I mean, is no one coming to your services? No one comes for confession? No one comes for, I mean, christenings. Surely you have, I saw a child, so I know there must be children, there must be babies, there must be christenings you do. Sorry, when I said that people have no need for religion in a place like this, I forgot to mention that they still definitely do christening's and baptisms non-stop. Oh, now I know you're, your father wise ass. Okay, go on.

Um, you feel a shuddering come from the very building that you are standing in as you say that. Please watch your tone with me. Please, um, this is not the way to speak to one of your elders. don't you think? Well, I don't know for sure if you are one of my elders. What is your title and name, my friend? My name is Father Moore

and I am in charge of this building, derelict though it may be. Let me ask another question. I saw a child run in here. Dressed all in red seemed to be a bit

put off by my appearance. It could be the tonsure because that does it to a lot of people. It's a good look if you ask me. What brings you to Lumino? Brother. Well, I asked my question first. The child? I know of no such child.

I'm here as a spiritual advisor for a group that perhaps you could get behind the They're here to kill Dracula. And I'm sort of a... I would be memoirist. I'm collecting information. I'm kind of a law master. This is a matter that is near and dear to my own heart. I would love to see Dracula slain.

Yes, well, that would help business, wouldn't it? It is difficult to accomplish, I'm sure you can appreciate. Even more so these days. Yes. Well, then you can give me aid. What? A gentleman before, rather a blonde fellow, Cedric. Beauregard?

Borgard, yes. Bullgard mentioned that he has killed Dracula. His family has three different times. Do you happen to know what method he used? Were you involved in that process at all? Unfortunately not. I am not an adventurer by trade. that I know is that immortality

is the medium through which Dracula works his art. I can tell you this. He once drew his power from a demonic Dracula became Dracula

because of this arrangement he forged with a power built into the very earth of ongrave, but I have reason to believe that as of late he has betrayed that source to become something

new and even more profane. Brother Philo I must ask before we go any further you are a servant of the Lord as well. Is that something you would ever consider changing your affiliation?

Well I go where the where the son needs me a servant in whatever capacity. I'm kind of a rogue agent, I suppose. But for now, I'm pretty sad.

Why, are you offering me a job? Perhaps. And then the light goes out. And the voice goes silent. Hello? He Philo kind of peers through the lattice work between the two chambers.

Okay. You're going to make me check that, aren't you? Yeah, make another investigation check for me, please. And that's only an eight. I mean, you're appearing from one booth into an adjacent booth. This is not a very difficult check. There's no one in there. And in fact, there's not only no one in there,

there is it is full of spider webs un sort of bothered fully whole spider webs almost fill up this this whole booth there is no one inside

except the talking spider hmm salt it as you open up the booth to leave you I'm not even going to make you roll for this you do notice something rather distressing it wasn't there

when you walked in, or maybe it was, and for whatever reason, you didn't see it. But sprawled out directly in front of the pulpit of this church is a man. He is wearing the robes of a parishioner, and he is dead. You can see a grisly wound in his chest, and it seems as though his heart has been removed. There is blood pooling all around him. This kill seems fresh. And just as you notice that, you hear someone pounding at the door into the cathedral. Let's hop back over to Lady Godwin and Mutt speaking to Pierre Reynolds. Pierre says, sir, you wish to kill Dracula, yes?

That's the idea, yes. Imposing, though, your new form may be, I must tell you, Lady Godwin, I do not believe you to be up to the task, and I would hate to send one of my oldest and dearest friends to their demise. I do crack him across the jaw. Whoa, holy shit. Okay, go ahead and make an attack roll for me. he and I have bad blood

it's not coming from nowhere why do you have bad blood what if Pierre Reynolds may I ask I just don't want it seems like you have just decided in this moment that you don't fucking like this dude at all what but okay

remind me of our our together you all ran a incredibly philanthropic organization to spread the word of the disease called shingles the condition called the pierre For Reynolds shingles away.

Perer Reynolds' shingles. Which I believe you founded. You did found for him. Pierre Reynolds. So, yeah, I, sorry. Yeah, you're right. That's too aggressive for Pierre. Can I be honest, Griffin?

I think it was the accent. Like, it's, it's, it is very. Instinctive, I get it. You know what I'm going to do? Instead, I'm going to rear back and break the table in half with him. Okay, cool. Make an attack roll against the table. Take, take this the table.

table. There is my hand... How about I use the hand axe? I have it in my hand already. There we go. 12. 12. Okay.

You slam your axe down on the table. It does not break. Good. What it does do is you look down and you see that you have just chopped a hand. in half when you slammed the axe down on the table. And there is a silence that goes over the pub. And everybody looks over to what has just happened. And it takes you a second to realize like, oh shit, what was that?

You notice this is a disembodied hand. This hand was skittering across the table moments ago, Crawford. You saw this happen. And just by happenstance, you happened to chop it right in half. And you see Pierre look down at this hand. look back up at you and say, that was incredible. He picks up the two halves of the hand and throws him.

He says, these infernal things, they keep, they keep just hoarding into this establishment. I am the proprietor of the Ghostlight Pub, and these things have been a menace to me. And you have just displayed an incredible ability at destroying them. I'll tell you what.

I'll go down to your basement, and I'll kill nine more, and then you can give me a hundred gold. First of all, gold is not the currency that we use in. Zemian. It's money that we use. And second of all, the source of these abominations is not the basement of the ghostlight pub. It is Frankenstein's laboratory.

It's a real pain in the ass. He went and took flight to shack up with Dracula at his castle, I suppose. People, hey, can I, sorry, Pierre, people keep saying, Shaka, and that's the term that I usually associate. Are they romantically involved in some way? I hear might as it gossip. I'm just kidding. Gossiping is like my favorite shit. Maybe, I don't know. They are both quite reclusive, as you might imagine. But I will tell you this. When Frankenstein left, he did not do, let's say, a particularly good job of neutralizing some of the great undead threats that he created inside of his laboratory.

You would be doing me a great service if you could put an end to these threats. A service that perhaps you would grant us passing through the Northern Gate? If we cleaned up them hands? I do not want you sent one of my dearest friends to their death, but if this is the mission that you have set your heart upon, who am I, to say no? Yes, if you make your way to Frankenstein's lab, neutralize these abominable hand monsters, find their source, and shut it down, then, yes, it would only be fair that I could make an exchange with you for passage to the northern checkpoint. Yes, yes.

Well, it sounds like we got ourselves a hand job. I don't want to end the episode there. You can, you bet you do have to. Sorry, my lawyers are reaching out to your lawyers as we speak, and that does need to. be the end of the episode. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows.

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