The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 20

Episode Date: May 30, 2024

Negotiations go awry, but the Dracula hunters won't let a little thing like an angry and powerful god stand in their way. Mutt takes a load off and puts it back on again. Phileaux gets a new (interim) title. Godwin tells an elegant joke. Additional Music in this Episode: Additional Music in this Episode: "J.S. Bach: Chromatic Fantasia" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/; "Pentagram" by Jason Shaw: https://audionautix.com/; and "Instrumental Mystic Song for Paranormal Videos" by UNIVERSFIELD: https://freesound.org/people/UNIVERSFIELD/. Dice sounds by Tal M.  Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear diary, I found the new hunt to call home. A busted-ass castle perched on the Northern Cape. It's a bit of a fixed rubber what with its wood-paneled walls and popcorn ceilings. But my realtor assures me that it's got good bones. Oh, sorry, my realtor is a skeleton. If you were there when he said that, you'd have been posting up. I suppose the only feature that matters is the unnavigable swamp land surrounding the castle, which will afford me the solitude I require to focus on what really matters.

My music. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, it's the one like, b'n-b-m-b-m-m-m-b-m---------. You all are fighting on a big skull, which is pretty fucking metal, if I say so myself. I'm just looking at this map on Roll 20, and I'm just like, God, this is the most metal shit. Griffin, you've done, done it again.

It's only metal, though, if you know that we're a regular size and the skull is huge. If you imagine we've been shrunk down and it's a normal-sized skull, it's not that metal. When we last left our heroes, we were in a bit of a strange position for you as living human beings and me

as the GM for this show. Dad, brother Philo is pretty badly wounded, I would say. Oh, yeah. I haven't brought it up in a long time, but yeah. I'm looking at the number that means your HP, and the number is red, which can't be good. Lady Godwin, you have been put under the thrall of this vampiric turbo cardinal. But your fortune seemed to be getting a little bit better. Yeah, I'm King of England, baby.

You are the King of England. Officially, you have drawn Scalibur from its... bony prison. Every time that you do that, you seem to conjure a projection of Merlin, who congratulates you on your worthiness. But you also see On begin to sort of awaken. So you've done a little bit of like a stutter, start, stop, pulling the sword, putting it back in because, you know,

you don't want to set off the big bad. But that is the situation you all are. in. We are going to pick back up into the order. Remind me, Griffin, with a thrall. Have I lost my will? You have to do what he suggests to the best of your ability.

Okay. And what can snap her out of it? Damage. And then a pretty high wisdom saving throw. You have to, yes. Whatever she takes damage, she gets out of it. Griffin, if you want to send me over that Scalibor's stat block any time.

that would be peachy. Yeah, sure. I will do that as soon as you actually have it. As soon as you like have it, you know? It's like in, you can get it if you want it, but you have to get it. You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, no, no, no.

See, what I'd love to do. Can I tell you? Can I tell you what I'd love to do? I'd love to hear this. Really quick, pull it, stab the turbo car, and don't put it back. Make a perception or investigation check for me. Okay.

I can't believe nobody's thought of that before. Pull the sword, use it. That's a nine. Wait. When you make a wisdom perception check or wisdom survival check, you can roll a D4 and add the number. But I don't think a 13 is going to do it either, but we'll see. Yeah, try. I would say a 10 is better than a 9.

I suppose that's true. Okay, it's a 13. So plus 4.13. Okay. Every time you have drawn the sword, it seems like, Like, you do have a very short window where you have it in your hands and, like, Ahan does not begin to, like, awaken. The ground doesn't shake and this, like, black sort of inky smoke doesn't shoot upwards. Uh, there, there is a very narrow window here.

Uh, if you draw this sword and you take it away from where it is right now, like, you are going to run a foul of that window. So if you, if you want to strike down the turbo cardinal with, the sword, you get the impression that you're going to need to bring him closer to the sword. Because if you, you know, have this thing drawn out of the ground for like a second and a half, that's it. That is what you, that is what you into it. Okay, great. I believe mutt has gone. Yeah, I drew the sword. You drew the sword and several times. Next in the order is the swarm of bats, or a swarm of rats, rather, they have finished sort of chewing out the bone encasing the sword. What is your command to these rats?

That's a great question, Griffin. I just wanted to be happy. Okay. You know what I mean? Maybe, I mean, if you want them to fuck off. Go back to school, finish your degrees. Okay. Yeah, I mean, all the rats look at each other and then look back at you, like.

Wait, but then. Before you do that, before you go back to school, do, go bite that guy's feet, please. You see one of the rats had pulled out a little laptop and was like sending in some applications. Oh, that one can finish. Oh, actually, I command them to bite Lady Godwin. Oh, that's good.

Okay, yeah. These are two creatures. So this will be two attacks if you so deem it. As your king, hey man, as your king, as your rat king, I guess, I command you please go bite. Uh, Lady Godwin, my friend for me. Thank you so much. All right. First attack is going to be a dirty 20. That is going to hit. Uh, you take three points of piercing damage, Lady Godwin.

Uh, okay. And now, actually, if you're raging, that would be two points. Were you raging before? I'm trying to, man, I don't remember. I don't have it marked. Okay. I'm trying to feel, I don't think I got it. an attack in before the thrall started. That's the court reported to read it back to us. Yeah, right.

Yeah, right. We would need, that's a lot to remember. Okay, so three points of piercing damage, and now you get to roll that wisdom save. Roll real good. Okay, I'll roll a good one. This time. How does a 20 sound?

Wow, shit. Lady Godwin. I rolled an actual 20. That's a Nat 20? Yeah, natural 20. Holy shit, yeah. You have control of faculties you never even knew you had. Yeah, right?

You've taken the red pill, bro. You, I think a part of you was in the horse plane. Like, that's your sunken place. And so when the Turbo Cardinal kind of took over, there was part of you that could kind of see what was going on. And part of you that was, part of you that was frolicing. And you snap out of it with a Nat 20? I'm going to say this.

You snap out of it, but you are sort of on your toes enough to realize that you maybe shouldn't give that information away. So there is no physical sort of, you don't visibly kind of like snap out of it. Okay, perfect. So the turbo cardinal is definitely going to think that you are still in that thrall. I'm going to say, man, okay, this all happens, just bang, boom, one, two, three. Do you want the other swarmer rats to bite? It just occurred to me.

You still have one more. If there's no sign that Lady Godwin snapped out of it, I don't think much. Yeah, no, I think, yeah, so the other sworeber rats is going to bite you too, Lady Godwin. Unless you want to give up the ruse. I mean, do I still have an armor class that you have to roll against? Yes, of course.

Okay, well, maybe you should try and see if you hit me first. I got a Nat 20. Okay, well, okay. They're sticky to me. Rat, rat, Chris. That's a stick. You're sticking a bit. The good news is they're rats, so their double damage dice have added up to a six points of piercing damage.

And you have managed to, I think, continued the deception. Next in the order is the Turbo Cardinal. He is taking a little bit of damage. He is going to say, I feel a bit peckish. You, juice box, come to me. he is going to fly over one of the eyeballs, one of the open eye cavities next to where you are, and he is going to try and bite your neck. Now, when you are under a vampire's thrall, the thrall basically does this willingly.

However, because you are not actually in his thrall, I am going to roll. disadvantage on this attack. You do not want to be bitten by a vampire. Okay, got it. That's rule one, I think. 16 versus AC? Yes, that hits. Ooh, a...

12 versus AC. He does not hit. All right. Then he grabs you from behind, rears his head back, and goes in to bite you. but you are able to move out of the way and you are up next. As you, as he,

you tell me, what does a failed bite look like? Does he bite your armor? Can he not get through it? That's what I'm wondering. I like that a little bit better. If you like, try, I mean, it's just my armor, right? I tried to bite my armor and maybe I was just not in the right spot. Maybe he bit in, but it didn't hit like an artery.

And so, and it hit your, below, the stitches, so you didn't really feel it that much. And he goes, Wow, that was weird. That usually works every time. You're up, Godwin. Okay. Here, try again, I'll lean to the left.

What do you do? You want him to bite you again? Yeah, try again. I'll lean to the left. You'll have a clean angle. Please, give me the order. I mean, he has a multi-attack, So we can do one of these during his turn, I suppose.

All right, he's going to try and bite you again? Okay, so when he does that is when I bury the javelin in him. Oh, shit. Okay. This is definitely going to be a surprise attack, so I'm going to grant you advantage on it. 21? Yes. Woo-hoo!

Or a 10. I'll stick with the 21. Okay. It's a good call. Very good. Go ahead and roll damage. Five. Cool.

Is it cool? Because sometimes Dungeons and Dragons isn't cool with these numbers. Yeah, yeah. Like a five? You know what I mean? Stupid. You just got to think about like what would a five equivalent be. Like Justin.

It's like I'm trying to bury a wooden stake in his heart and I guess instead I get like his other side. Now, if you're trying to stake his heart, I mean, that's what that's a, uh, you know, a horse of a different color. I mean, that was the whole, yeah, sorry, I should have been more clear. He's in close quarters, and that's why I used the javelin because I was going to stake him.

I'm trying to stake this guy. Well, I think, okay, we'll roll the five damage on that. Give me a, I'm trying to decide what would be like. What about dexterity? Like, dexterity isn't a high thing for me, but, like, I feel like aiming for something that specific.

Yeah, okay, give me a straight-up dex check, and we'll see. Oh, it goes. Seven. Yeah, no, I think you get him sort of through the solar plexus. Doesn't quite hit the heart. He looks down and says, Wait a minute.

You're not under my thrall at all, are you? Oh. You figured me out. You do have another action here Oh yeah Oh yeah The ruse is gone So Jennifer Byers is going to do her group work

Okay cool You are Could you throw him towards me You are bloodied So you will get plus two On this attack roll And plus two on any damage you may have You hoped to be bloodied

No but I hoped to Finally put this blood rage acts Good use. No, that is an... Does that plus six include the plus two? I don't know if... You know, I don't know, actually.

I don't think it does. All my things are hit DC, so... Okay. 13 still. No, 13 does not hit. Okay. I... Well, shit, I can't go into a rage

because I just made two attacks. Okay. No, I mean, your attack action is... Is two attacks. Right. There's one action. So I'll use my bonus to just... start raging. Okay, cool. You begin raging. Uh, next in the order is Philo. Fylo, everybody's agreed.

Raging before that, I understand listener, but it wouldn't have helped me anyway. Well, it would have given up the ruse. Like, you wouldn't have gotten that surprise. There we go. I love that. That's what I would meant. That's the ticket. Yeah. Everyone's pretty well clustered together here just to sort of paint a picture around the right eye socket of this skull. The Turbo Cardinal is basically floating above it. having just been stabbed by Gobwin after trying to pierce her neck. The scaliber is like 10 feet away, not quite close enough to him to get him in spitting distance or rather, I guess, slashing distance of the blade.

You are up, Philo, standing on the bridge of the nose. What do you do? How close to the Turbo Cardinal? The Turbo Cardinal is five feet away. Okay. With a javelin sticking out of him? Yeah, I guess so. Yeah, if you didn't withdraw it and you want to be without that javelin.

I specifically didn't say I withdraw it. Okay, cool, cool. Then yes, there is a javelin sticking out of him. Okay, brother Philo is going to take his quarterstaff. Okay. And whack the end of the javelin. This is a chestnut. try to drive it like a nail through the Turbo Cardinal.

I'm going to say... Your best friend, the Turbo Cardinal. Not anymore. I'm trying to free him. Just to go through and say this sentence how loud. The puppet man slings his big stick at the sharp stick sticking out of the Turbo Cardinal Vampire Man. Got it. That seems to be the first thing.

This game kicks ass. Go ahead and roll. Let's just call this an attack roll. against the vampire we could get like weird and say you're attacking the javelin but I feel like this this sort of falls in the okay and I'm whacking it I'm whacking it with the

the cross attached to the end of the quarterstaff too I just just for the fan artists did you do that did you make a quarterstaff with cross? About seven episodes okay cool cool roll roll an attack roll please how about 19.

19, definitely hits. So I think we're just going to roll damage for the javelin again. So what was that, juice? The roll or? The javelin damage. What is it? Oh, let's be too quick. 1D6 plus 3.

Okay. So roll 1D6 for me. You asking me? I guess dad is asking dad. Okay. Oh. I can do it if you guys want. It's your attack, death.

Right, okay, well. I mean, one car year doesn't matter who rolls the dice, right? Statistically. Well, it matters. So you want the damage, correct? Yeah, traditionally after an attack, that's the number I immediately, that's my main concern. That would be five.

Okay. He is, he's still looking not too bad. And as my bonus action. Yeah I use Tavern Brawler Strike And do the same thing again Okay smack the end of the javelin again Okay

Then you have to roll another attack roll for me Against the vampire Dad this time Dad this time Hit it don't hit it straight in Hit it from the top down So it does like a really stupid angle Inside his body

Or hit it so it goes like a doorstop That it's like You know so like bouncing up Oh my god dad jump off Jump off of it Oh shit Yeah yeah yeah yeah fucking face, yeah.

Pick him up and spin him around like a plate on a stick. And just tear his fuck, tear his fucking head off. And throw it into the river. Fucking tear his head off and throw it in the river. Well, it's a 23. Yeah, man.

Fuck, yeah. Roll that, dude. Beautiful. So they had to have gone deeper, right? All three of his kids feel that one. One D6 for sure, though. He has three sons. Five.

Okay, five. Yeah. Five. Yeah. The classic Jabber. damage number. I gotta delete more videos of Dwight off my heart drive really. Sorry, guys.

The recording keeps going. The podcast don't stop just because I got so many videos of Dwight on my... Oh, my dad's telling. Do you want to explain why this is an issue right now to the crowd? Because it sounds like you're trying to, like, get rid of evidence. Sorry, not hurry. A continuance of before. We couldn't start recording because my hard drive has so many videos of my friend Dwight on it.

And so that I had to delete a bunch of videos of my friend Dwight that I had on my desktop so we could record the podcast. But I guess I didn't get him out of the recycling bin because it said my grim work was still done there. There's still, to me, trace Dwight residues on my desktop. But now I can record. Okay, great. Hey, I watch NCIS. You better get that stuff off there really quick. Before my, do I have time to turn to mutt and say something?

Sure. Before my turn is over. Yep. Um, mut, while you are still king, will you name me Pope? Please. I don't know, man, I'm going to have to check your... After an interregnum, it is allowed for a king to name someone the Pope, so... Just for me.

Just for... Actually, in this world, we use the term turbo cardinal, just to avoid any like weird vibes. Me, Turbo Pope? No. No, no. Oh, no. Name me the new turbo cardinal. I don't know, man.

I'd have to check your credentials. I'd have to go through in a sentence and interview process. No, listen, I love you. Philo, I love you. You know that. Just do it. I don't. Oh, come on, mutt.

Okay, I'm going to say interim turbo cardinal. So this is an interim interregnum. Yeah. Okay. Okay. All right. Did that work? I mean, I guess that works.

You are now the Turbo Cardinal. As recognized by England. It should be clear. As recognized by England. Yes. Hey, everyone, as long as we're passing out decrees, maybe your first act as the Turbo Cardinal. Interim.

Oh. Interim. Of course. After the interim. I am so sorry. Perhaps since we have a new Turbo Cardinal, you can make a name, make. the old one a knight.

Oh. Well, I would think I would have the power to to change his title if I'm now the interim. No, I'd be happy to I'll knight. Yeah, man, if you want to get knighted, old Turbo

Cardinal, so I didn't catch your name. Turbo Cardinal. Oh, that's your name. Okay, if you want to be Sir Turbo Cardinal, you can come over here I'll night you. As long as you're giving a new title, might I suggest

something that trips off the tongue a bit easier than Sir Turbo Cardinal, just a short sort of... Serbo Cardinal? No, that's close. We're all brainstorm. Oh, I got it. Let's shorten Turbo to just Toby. It's a fun, sort of a fun, a fun take. Yeah, do you want to be, like, Sir Toby Cardinal?

He, uh, I think all of you make an insight check for him. me. He's loving it. I don't even have to roll to know that, Griffin. I got a nine. Oh my God, I got a nine, too. I got an, oh my God. I got an eight. And we add them together and we got 26.

He is enraged. He is enraged. He is going to lose his faculties. He is no longer speaking. Something has snapped inside of this vampire man. and it is, he is now just projecting out a kind of raw fury that is pretty, pretty scary. It is your turn. By naming yourself Turbo Cardinal, it doesn't appear like he has been weakened or anything,

but there is something sort of seething inside of him now that I'm going to sort of take into account. Okay. I am going to look at him and say, let's see. Listen, man, if you don't like the way that I run things as the new king, you can come over and do something about it. But as I see it, right now, I'm the one in charge, you know what I mean? and I am I'm trying to goad him into attacking me. Okay, we're taking some liberties, right? Because that would be technically something he would do on his action.

Well, and then I'm going to ready it. Then I'm going to ready my action if I can get him to attack me. You know what I mean? Okay, so you're going to, I see. Make a persuasion check. I will I will give you advantage on this because he is

he is enraged right he is Thank you because I will the four Yeah not great And a 13 Okay Next in the order is the rats One of them

pulls out their laptop again And looks at you like now One second And I whisper to him God damn Sorry one one one more thing. And I whisper to him, um, and I have them spell out, you suck. Um, and kind of dance around and wave around to the turbo cardinal. Okay. Give me an animal handling check for me.

Uh-huh. Uh, that's a 13. Okay. So they don't get it quite right. It actually, they spell out you funk. You cuck. And it's actually better. Amazing. The miss felling actually makes it funnier and somehow more rad. Unbelievable. Yeah, it actually says yawn cuck, which is like they're referring to an old. Yay, barely, I say it to me. Yonder cuck, on yonder cuck.

So, okay, fine. He is, he is. And what kind of dances behind him in a very mocking way. Okay, so just to sort of set the scene, kind of like this setup here on the screen is the, or I guess the rats are behind you. Spelling out you, hold on, wait, let me draw. Oh, perfect. Yon.

Cuck. Exactly. Yep. This is one of the wilder, I would say, sort of images I've ever had on my computer screen, a giant skull with rats on it and a crude riding of Yon Cuck across its forehead. I would say that if my neighbors are watching me through my windows into my office, they're gonna think I'm into some pretty sinister shit

just based on what is on my screen. And you know what, guys? After a moment of self-reflection here, I'm realizing maybe I am. Maybe this show is a reflection of the darkness inside. Maybe I needed this season to help me realize that. So thank you, Taz versus Dracula. I'm gonna get it.

get a screenshot super quick because we'll need it. Yeah. It's really, really does. It should not be so fucking funny to me. I'm a 43-year-old man. Yeah, but it's really good. It's just a scholars. I think the bold picture of puppet puppet phyla is standing defiantly underneath

it smells. It looks like your little brother messed up your metal album. The Greatest Generation has been going on for more than eight years, and while it's the world's most beloved Star Trek podcast, we know it can be a little impenetrable. If you've been greatest gen curious but have never taken the leap, you can be forgiven for being a little bit intimidated. We recommend exploring your greatest gen curiosity

in a safe, fun environment with partners you can trust. Right now is one of the best times ever to become a new listener. That's because we just started covering a new series, Star Trek Enterprise, one of the weirdest editions of Star Trek ever released. This is your chance to ease into the greatest generation lifestyle. The greatest generation, now covering Star Trek Enterprise, the one with Scott Bacula, every Monday on Maximumfund.org or in your podcast app. Hey, Sydney, you're a physician and the co-host of Sawbones,

a marital tour of misguided medicine, right? That's true, Justin. Is it true that our medical history podcast is just as good as a visit to your primary care position? No, Justin. That is absolutely not true. However, our podcast is funny and interesting and a great way to learn about the medical misdeeds of the past as well as some current, not so legit health care fats. So you're saying that by listening to our podcast, people will feel better. And isn't that the same reason that you go to the doctor? Well, you could say that. And our podcast is free? Yes, it is free. You heard it here first, fog, Sawbones, Merrill 2 of Misguide the Medicine right here on Maximum Fun,

just as good as going to the doctor. No, no, no, still not just as good as going to the doctor, but pretty good. It's up there. Let's resolve this now. The Turbo Cardinal is going to launch himself at you. In doing so, he's going to take a lot of damage, actually, here, before he even gets to you. First of all, he started his turn adjacent to the flame skull, which is still there. He is going to roll a very poor deck save.

So go ahead and roll damage for your flaming orb there, brother Philo. Three. Okay? He is a bit singed. In flying to mud, he is going to go past both of you. So you are both going to get opportunity attacks here. So, whichever one of you wants to go first. I guess he would pass by Godwin first, so we'll give Godwin first blow.

All right. I got Jennifer Myers handy, so I will take a swing with a big chunky, too. No, that is not going to hit. Philo, you can take an attack of opportunity here if you would like. Yes, I'm going to cast. ray of sickness. No. It has to be a weapon attack.

Yeah, it's like, imagine, like, passing by you, you get one, like, pop. Yeah. One little bit. One pop. One little bit. One pop. Okay. I'm going to whack him with the quarterstaff.

Okay. Hit him in the nards. Hit him right in his little shriveled gnar. Now, I didn't think that. That is a net. Holy shit. Oh, no, actually, that does hit him in his shrivel little narts. With a nut.

20, dad. You get a direct score and direct hit to his triple. 24. With a net 20, no matter what, this guy has shriveled little nards now. If he didn't before, he does now. You know what it is? You know what it. Okay.

Yeah. He laughs as he sails by Lady Godwin. He, like, turns into a bat for, like, a half second to dodge your axe swing and then lands and kind of laughs. and turns to look at you, almost amused, Philo. You swing your staff at him. And when it makes contact with him, it bursts into holy white flame. And he looks down and then looks back up at you

and you see him running the math in his head. He realizes you have been consecrated as being the interim turbo cardinal. And therefore, you are dealing extra radiant damage to him with this attack. And it shrivels his nards. And it shrivels his nards. You hear, sh-th. So go ahead and roll double damage on this.

Okay. So that would be a nine times two. Yes. For radiant. 18. Radiant weakness. Yeah. That takes a big chunk out of him.

Mostly as hard. He is having trouble shaking that off. He is bloodied for the first time, which is cool. Then I would say, would I not have a bonus action then? No. No, this is an opportunity attack. Yeah, this is not your turn. This is just a reaction.

Oh, right. Okay. So next in the order. Oh, no, he is still going to do his thing. He is going to do his thing. try to just launch himself on top of you and tear you apart. Okay. As he is bearing down on me, I pull Scalibur and Neil to try to catch him on the down swing.

You know what I mean? I see. Okay. This is very cool. I am going to need a check here first, right? You are going to need to roll a strength. check to get Scalibur out. You've already pulled them out a couple times. You have been... No, you know what? No, that's no more. You're the fucking King of England. Yeah, of course it comes out.

Okay, then this is going to be a pretty huge, I would say, attack roll against the Turbo Cardinal, so don't fuck it up. Okay, what's Scalibur's stat block? It is, let's roll the same... Do you have a melee weapon? I mean, I have plus nine, with a crossbow plus seven with a dagger. We'll take the plus nine. So just roll like you're trying to hit with a crossbow. It's a 14. A 14 does not hit.

So you try. But I do get two attacks. Oh, that's right. You're a fifth level ranger. Correct. Okay, try again. So that's a 23. Yeah.

You swipe at. swipe at him, and he does his little bat transform trick again. And as he reappears his neck back to tear into you, now you get him. You are, you're basically trying to pin him, pin this sort back in the ground, right? Is that what you were attempting to do, or are you just attacking him? I am trying to stab him and then put it back. So in one, I'm asking, I guess, are those two different movements, or are you trying to stab the sword through him back into the hole? Do you know what I mean? If I could do that without extra challenge, I'd do that, Griffin, but I don't think the positioning of that would make sense. I'm more imagining this as like he's coming and I'm trying to catch him coming down to me. So I'm stabbing up into him. And then I got you. pull out and and put it back in the skull.

Okay. Then. And I want to make sure Merlin sees how cool this movie is too. Yes, as you draw the sword, you see the figure of Berlin. Wait, wait! Would you like to, my liege, would you like to see some pornography? Later, man, but watch this. And you run the sword through the turbo cardinal.

What does that look like? I guess you've already described it. He's jumping down on you. And I think, I think, if I may, Griffin, if I may, paint a little bit of a picture. I think it slides in. I think that it's hot knife through butter kind of territory with a glow, especially as whatever his dark, thick, viscous blood soaks into the ruins. I think it glows even brighter as it purifies what it touches.

That's sick. Yeah. He almost... And a chorus of angels on heart. Nothing quite like that, but... In King's in, Welcome to the Jungle. Uh, by Guns and Roses. Yeah, Scalibur has a little speaker in the hill.

Yeah. And it starts playing Welcome to the Jungle as soon as you got through it. Whatever, you know, if it had been, if it had been King Arthur, I think it would have been like Angels and, like, you that kind of thing. But I think because it's mutt, it's just some like Guns and Roses. Cool. That makes a lot more narrative. Yeah.

Then that song that we definitely can't get the rights to starts playing. And immediately, you feel his body go just limp as Scalibur goes through him. Give me a perception check for me. Okay. I hope this is a grift he's running on. Okay. That's 12 plus four. Okay.

Oh, yeah. It's a 13 total. As the sword ran through him, this dude immediately, just his vampiric powers were just destroyed. He went from being a vampire to just a sort of tired, older gentleman. Sick. And because he is not a vampire anymore, the wounds that he has sustained here just instantly drop him. Now I've got kind of bad. I'm just kind of, though.

And we are going to go out of initiative now. However, there is still the matter of you are holding the sword. Yeah, I'm going to try to extract it from the dead old man to return it. to the big gods call. I need a role to see how fast you do this. Yeah, no, that's fair. And I need a role to see how quickly you can accomplish this. I think it's going to be either a slight of hand.

Yeah, I think it's going to be a slight of hand just to like measure your kind of like dexterity in doing this. Okay. And, and what we're, it's a 14 total. Okay. All right, 14 total. You withdraw the sword from the turbo cardinal. Philo, he lands basically at your feet.

there is no final parting wisdom, no words or anything for you. He is dead and perhaps died in some sense a long time ago. You ram Scaliber back into the hole in the skull. A spray of that black smoky blood immediately is halted. But you see that that cloud is somewhat substantial now, just from the like few leaks that you have gotten out of here. You see, you see Henri appear in his sort of noble and beautiful. Henri.

My French son, you see On, reappear right between. Actually, for a second, he reappears and looks down where it says Jan Cuck in rats on the ground. Not you, man, sorry, not you. He is going to look at the dead turbo cardinal and then look at you and say, and you seem to have found a loophole. But unfortunately, for all of you, I have regained some of my power in the few seconds where you have retrieved this holy blade from my skull. So I do appreciate all the help.

I guess I'm going to have to get another rub up here to draw the sword, but it should be easier to do so now that I can do this. Oh, man, I'm going to be honest, though. Can I be honest with you, Henry? Killin the turbo cardinal was so easy with Scalibur. I'm really tent to just take it and let you all the way out so I can kill Dracula. Hmm. It's a kick-ass idea.

The offer still, you know what? he puts down his hands which were glowing with like this shimmering black uh uh were you gonna kill us well i mean you you you didn't do what i asked you to do and you wrote yon kuck on my forehead and it down i can't help but feel like that is about me because it's my forehead you've written yon kuck i mean just not yon kuck i guess okay rats can you change it to like you rule Give me an animal handling check. I'm going to key these drafts with me forever. Or at least 24 hours.

Nope. Well, it's a 15. Better than before. Okay, with a 15. It says Jarl rule. This is Jha Rul. And he's like, hell yes. I guess.

Cool. Anyway, take that sword out of there. I'll grant you my boon. And everything's going to be like totally great. Okay, man, so you'll give my buddy Behir back his body. Yeah, sure. I can do that. Oh, can I make an insight?

I roll an insight. Yes, sir, go ahead. Oh, I rolled a 17 plus three. Thank God, because I got a six. Godwin, you just sort of remember that this guy is the god of nocturnal animals. Like, his ability to rip the, like, consciousness out of one thing and put it in another thing. Seems like that's not the realm of gods. That is the realm of like weird science. And so like he is fucking lying again for you've clocked him for many times now.

Um, mutt. Yeah. Um, listen. Don't, don't make me returning to my body such a high priority. I have, I have kind of grown fond of this form and- Okay. I don't want you to waste one of your magic wishes on that. Conveniently, since I don't think he means it.

Okay, that's fair, man. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, here's the deal, bud. Oh, you're making me the deal now. This is fun. Well, I don't think you can do the, I don't think you can do the body switch thing. That's cool, man, that's cool. But you do, you are like, you know, nocturnal creatures and night and stuff.

And I love that. can you give me some like animal powers and like nighttime sneaking powers and make me like a really cool like animal kind of wizard deal? You know what I mean? I'm already partially there, frankly. I could talk to animals and I can like share senses with them and stuff. So I don't know if you could just like bump that to 11. He looks at you and considers it. Make a persuasion check for me.

There's a low check because this guy wants to do that. Like this guy wants to grant you a boon. I cannot roll for shit today. A two, Griffin. Any of these powers will be possible. Another two. Back to back two is just to see what happened. Yeah, your dice is broken. I will grant you this power, of course, and any boon.

All you have to do is set me free. Well, power first, man. This isn't cost co. You don't get free samples. No, clearly it's not Costco, man. Do you think I thought this was Costco? I thought maybe you thought this was Costco. I don't think it's Costco, man. All right, anyway, draw the sword.

You get the power. No problem. Hmm. All right, sounds good, man. I'll draw the sword. We've been dancing around this too long. All right. All right.

You draw the sword. and immediately Merlin appears. Congratulations. Yeah, man, I know, yeah, got it. Holy shit, who's that? He looks over and sees on. He's a dark god. What are you doing, dude?

No, I know, man, but it seemed the way the narrative was going, and I wanted the sword, and what am I going to do? Leave Scalibur here in his skull? Come on, man. Darkness begins to swirl in the abyss and get sucked up into on, form. He laughs. Thank you.

What is it, man? You think of a joke? Yes. I've thought of a very funny joke. Okay, tell me. Hmm. Hold on. I didn't actually think of a joke.

Oh, man. I was going to say, like, you. Your girlfriend, as the DM, you don't actually have to say a funny joke. You can just say, he tells a funny joke. Do you want to hear it? I know. Yeah, he tells a funny,

he tells a fucking entertainment. Stereical joke. Okay, now do you want to hear one for me? Yes. Did you hear about the 12-inch tall king? No. He was a terrible king, but a great ruler. That's pretty good stuff, man.

All right. I have a knockback joke. All right, as long as we're doing this, yes, go ahead. I would like to celebrate and recognize my grand ascension at some point, though. Well, that is, let us express her.

It's a backwards one, though. Here's how it starts. You say knock, knock. I say who's there, and then you say Toby. Okay, here we go. So funny. Yeah. Oh, I go.

Knock, knock. Come on doing. Knock, knock. Who's there? Toby? All right, then I swing Jennifer Myers at him. Oh, shit. Not the Toby sword, though.

No, not just kidding. The Toby Slayer. All right. This, I will, allowed to work this one time and never again. Yeah, but this is a really, this is an elegant one though, Griffin. That happened really organically. Yeah.

Okay. So go ahead and roll Toby. That's a pretty, uh, does it, that doesn't affect attack roll, right? It just affects damage. Sadly, no. Here we go. Okay. Fuck.

All versions of this are funny. Here we go. 16 plus 6.22. To strike a god who is in the middle of sort of reassembling his power with this blade, I don't think his head is kind of on the kind of swivel that it usually is. You strike true with the Toby Slayer. Oh, good. So what does that look like?

What are you trying to do? Well, I mean, I don't think it's, I feel like it's pretty, neat. When he says Toby, I feel like the sword starts glowing with like fire emanating from it because against Toby's it is

flaming, raging, poisoning poisoning against Tobis. Cool. So I'll go ahead and roll the damage on that. So four? Plus 20. And then

flaming you know, is on fire now. Would you say he's pretty distracted by this, Groven? I mean, let's get the damage numbers first. Okay. One bit at a time. Okay. So what is the total damage?

24. And then flaming, raging, and poisoning against Toby's. I'm not sure what raging means in this context. You bury this and you see the sort of red streams of pure toby slaying power spread themselves out from the wound. You have never attacked a god before, but it is surprisingly easy. And maybe it's just because you have interrupted something. But for a moment, he looks at you with malice in his eyes.

And he is going to start channeling a spell. Well, I am going to go ahead and just do my second attack, if that's okay. Oh, okay. Me being me and all. Yeah, sure. I'm going to grab the, is it stuck in him? Yeah, I mean, if you... Yeah, I'm going to grab the hilt and just shove down as hard as I can.

Okay, cool. Try to rip him in half with a sore blade. Okay, give me a D20 roll. 13 plus 6 19 That does not hit Seems pretty distracting though So I swung Scalibur at him I got 26 to hit

Yeah 26 hits So we're going to do the same thing we did For the last time you tried to attack him Which is going to be just your Crossbow damage roll And then we are going to add Radiant damage on the back of that Okay.

11 points of damage. Okay. We are going to add 30 to that with celestial damage. For a total of 41 points. Now his head kind of looks at you. He, he, he, he says, you've got to be kidding me. Really? This is the way you want this to go.

Um, yeah, you know, I wasn't gonna, but then, like, she did the thing with her glowing sword. And I was like, oh, I've got a glowing sword too. I could do this. And I'm going to be honest, I didn't think so much about it. Um, anyways, I get two attacks. So, um, here we go. Uh, 24 to hit. Yeah, that hits. Um, and that's going to be, uh, 39 total.

Uh, okay. Wait, 39? Well, I rolled nine points of damage plus 30. Oh, no, I'm rolling the... Oh, I said. The radiant damage. This time it is... Uh, a 19.

Okay, so 28. Okay. You, with that, he looks down and says, Wow, I'm... Who are you guys? I am... I must admit, somewhat impressed. Pinocchio, you want to get a blade in here, too?

Well, actually, I have a... I have a limerick. Everybody else got to tell a joke. All right. Is it dirt? Is it filthy? No. I'm a man of the cloth. Of course not. He is continuing to channel a spell, as you all are doing this.

I know he is. Okay. Um, I find myself at a bit of a loss. when facing this, oh, godly boss. I don't know what to do. So I'm looking at you on and jabbing the hole with the cross. And he jams the silver cross into the hole

where the sword used to stick. Remind me what happens since my whole form is blood-raging. You look really cool. Remember? I mean, you do look cool. You said there was some effect. Yeah, you get a plus two damage. On like unarmed attacks.

I think if you want this to work the way you are hoping it will work, you are going to need to petition your God to a degree that I have never required of you. You are trying to replace maybe the most sacred relic in the world, which is Excalibur, or Scalibur, with this cross that you have. And like, you're the turbo cardinal now. So that's interim. Yeah. You're the interim turbo cardinal now.

So that's not without, you know, the realm of possibilities. But like, this is a huge thing you are asking for. And so I'm going to require huge sorts of numbers here. Give me a... I would... Come on. It has to be a religion check. There's no way around it.

Give me a religion check. I am constant. Let me tell you the number that you are trying to hit. To replace Scalibur with your own thing is going to be a DC20 at least, which is high, but it is a hard thing. Okay. I would request that since I am consecrated now, that I would have advantage. I don't think so. I don't think so.

The fact that if you pull this off, it's because you're consecrated. If you didn't have this, like, divine, you know, assignment, like, what you were doing right now would be silly. You'd just be putting a cross in a bone in, you know, the middle of nowhere. All right. Good point. So let's see. Here we go. Here goes the check.

You are 21. You are 15.1. You're 15 plus 6. 21. Still an audio product. It's a good product. It's just still on audio. All right.

The puppet man just bound a god Let him yell I'm just saying it's an audio product you know You You Jesus Christ you guys Yes he helped You jam this cross Into the hole that was once filled by

Scaliper When you do that The Limerick helped you got to admit Limerick definitely helped I would say the divine power granted by the Lord you worship due to your being the Turbo Cardinal, helped a little bit more. Interim.

Yes, interim Turbo Card. You jab this cross down into the skull, this cross that you've had with you since you first found it in the sort of abandoned abbey in the city of Lumino. You jam it down. And it stabs down into the bone, like a small dagger. And when you look up at, On, you see him look kind of confused.

He says, Philo, what order do you follow? The abbey of the abbey of St. Tancred. Oh, St. Tancred, you said. Yes. Well, that explains it. A beam of light shoots down from the ceiling. You see it, as you look upwards, you can see the stars above. This beam of light is like an orbital laser shot from space.

It has bore a perfect 10-foot-wide tunnel down through the ceiling and stabbed right into where the cross is. Immediately, ribbons of light begin to spread out. from this cross from this wound. And you see on start to vanish. And as he does, he says, well, at least I won't be thirsty anymore, I suppose. And then the skull begins to shatter beneath your feet. You see through that hole, you see a head look down

at the three of you on this skull that is crumbed. You hear Hyde's voice say What the fuck was that? Was that you guys? Yeah, man, if you could like drop a rope or something, that'd be great. I mean, you did just try to get me in prison. That was all planned. Accidentally.

Oh, no. That was all planned to distract those things. You could get out. It was an accident. It wasn't an accident. A plan. Accidentally planned. Are you going to tell me what that fucking laser was, though?

Yeah, rope. First, please. Skull crumbling. Time running out. All right. He drops the rope. Oh, shit. He gets down on one knee.

No, road. Oh, right. He drops a rope down to the three of you. You, uh, you feel a presence, philo, uh, as this, as this skull, uh, begins to disintegrate. You feel the presence of St. Tancred, uh, in this place. There is no form. You assume that if you did see the form of this thing, you would immediately go insane. But it is here, and it is sort of quietly surrounding you.

Oh, that feels good. Oh, that's nice. That is. Oh, yeah, right there. Right there. What? Shame on me. Shame on me for setting a C that could turn into a sort of a pseudo-erotic divine encounter.

You feel this presence sort of fill you with mirth for a moment until the beam retreats from the sky. When it does, you feel the presence of no gods. On has been destroyed. The rope drops down to the skull. You all are heaved upwards by Hyde. give me a give me an I would say either an athletics check

to hold on to the rope or a survival check to try and sort of like tie yourself up into it from all three of you 25 Yes you are able to hold on

13 okay 8 okay he manages to pull you up and out. I would say, okay, hold on, wait. Okay, mutt, you manage to climb up the rope.

Like, it's fucking gym class. Like, no problem. Hyde proves to be a very trustworthy anchor. You look down and see that your two friends are having some trouble. I'm going to need both of you, Philo and Godwin, to make dexterity saving throws for me. 17. Okay.

I have an alternative. I have an alternative action. Okay. I'm gonna need a dexterity. You are in danger. There is something that rocks and boulders are falling from the ceiling on you, so I need you to make it. Okay. Ten.

Okay. No. One a stalactite falls from the ceiling and jabs, smashes downwards through the bone. Another falls down and conks you on your puppet head. You are going to take. six points of bludgeoning damage. Are you down? Okay.

Nope, not yet. Okay. What now? What was your other action here? I'm going to drink my potion of flight. Didn't you already do that? You used that to get across the spinal bridge? You did.

You used it on the spinal bridge to get out of that predicament. Oh. Delicious. But then I'm going to drink one of my two healing elixirms. No, I think he needs to try drinking the flight elixir and see what he drinks. That's what I think. Oops, wrong bottle. I grabbed the wrong bottle.

Okay, go ahead and drink one of your healing potions. Okay. Godwin. 2D4 of your intelligence modifier. I don't know what that means. Explains a lot. What do you want for me, Gervyn? I mean, whatever you want to do in this situation, the ground is crumbling beneath your feet.

You see Goblin Stop or Philo stops and chugs a potion But does not begin to fly or grow fins or any weird shit like that You can see up top you see hide and You see mutt Oh, okay, well the first thing I'm gonna do is I'm gonna chuck Philo up there Oh, okay make a Chucking Yeah, range attack at the sky, I suppose

No, this is a we'll call this athletics You're trying to eat something a long, long far distance. This is a shot put more than anything else. I got a line. It's really light. But I guess he's a little greasy as near as I can tell. Because he's just a little puppet boy and I'm a big strong lady. He must have an oily day.

He is having an oily day. Puppet is leaking out of him. He sticks to your hand. You try to throw me to just, look. You. You. You know, Griffin, sometimes things just work. You don't have to make people roll for it.

Yeah, it's important to remember, Griffin, that for every, like, weird 20 when it really counts, to bury the love of Jesus. It's a skull. Sometimes you can't throw a puppet 20 feet. Sometimes there's a nine that stops the plot from moving forward. You Chuck Philo. Philo, you do not clear the hole. you do crash into the wall.

I'm going to give you a chance here to kind of like catch yourself on the wall and not go tumbling downward into the abyss. Well, first, as I'm zooming up. Yeah, sure. Why, I guess it was a flying elixir. Okay, make a dexterity saving throw.

You are flying at this wall. You realize you do not have enough height on this throw. Can I help? Yeah, for sure. I think you can give the help action to whatever he wants to do. How are you helping?

Just trying, like, bracing the rope. I'm trying to grab him. Okay, yeah. Then let's call this a dexterity saving throw to try to grab yourself sort of on the wall with advantage, Philo, as much as attention to. All right, I don't know. I just tell you.

Right. Right. All right. Well, that's a three. That won't work. Nope. And that's a 17. On a 17, we get a full-blown,

two big bicep arms fucking grabbing. Well, I guess you're... We see that still shot of two big bicepd arms grabbing each other, but then immediately cuts back to you are still a puppet. But he manages to grab you by your wrist and pull you up just in time. Oh, bless you, my son. Your liege. Thank you.

Thank you very much. Godwin, you're the only one left in the hole now. I need another dexterity saving throw from you. Okay. There is not much skull to stand on here. But remember, at least, at least I saved the puppet boy. Oh, good. That's a four plus two.

17. Four plus two is six. Let me shut. Yeah, I just pulled out my calculator. My mistake. Okay. Okay. Yeah, that does not save.

A six doesn't work? No way. Six ain't going to work. Okay. A boulder falls from the ceiling. No, you know what it is? Like a portion of the skull cracks and starts to pull you down, you are somewhat like crushed between two plates of the skull as it collapses into itself. Oh my God. Griffin, I'm freaking out.

Can the rats climb up the rope and be safe? You take 14 points of bludgeoning damage, Lady Godwin. Okay, but what about my rats, Griffin? Your rats are still there spelling out jaw rule waiting for orders. Climb up the rope, boys! Hurry! Okay, well, okay. So the rats are going to make... Now the rats are going to make some checks. No, it just works, Griffin. Don't punish the rats.

So I still have a rope? They have a rope? I mean, there is a rope that Hyde dropped down. and pulled up, uh, pulled up, uh, you threw up, uh,

philo. Right. There is, there is a rope here. Uh, the swarms of rats, uh, effortlessly,

effortlessly climb up the rope. Uh, like lemmings. Uh, they all get out. And so really the only thing left down there, uh, is the body of the turbo cardinal and lady Godwin.

Okay. Uh, my turn. Uh, I, here's a, uh, I think it's, uh,

from mutts, perspective, mutts looking over the edge of the and of the chasm and then sees my hand pop out over the top edge. Wait. Heroically. Yeah, heroically. How'd you get up there though? Help! How did you get up? Wait, take the hand. Take the hand.

Yeah. Help! Okay, take the hand. Okay, it's tied to a rope. A second rope. Oh, you fucking... It is your, it is your mage hand-hand. Okay, that's fantastic. All right. Yeah, you managed to get a rope up. You were getting, you were sort of pinned in by this like crumbling skull. Yeah, that's why I thought I needed a little extra mustard. But yeah, with this, you would be able to tug yourself out of here. I'm going to say this is a help action athletics check for you to, for you to escape this skull as it crumbles downwards. So I make an athletics check? Yes. Okay, thank God. 15 plus 6, 21. Yeah. All right. With that, you.

managed to go hand over hand towards hand, which is a new way of climbing. We love it. And then you see another hand pop out of the ground. And this one really is Lady Goblins. You pull yourself up through the tunnel, and you all are, for the moment, safe. You take a moment to catch your breath.

And as, as, you do, you feel a soft rain begin to fall, washing off some of the dirt and general sort of battle mess. I guess there would be a considerable amount of blood. Actually, you know what? You guys are all covered head to toe in fucking blood. That's true. And on blood. Everything has happened so far. You becoming the new Turbo Cardinal, you becoming the king. Like, all that happened while you guys were straight up. Soaked in blood. soaked in blood. It begins to rinse off as a soft rain.

Shaw shanking it hard. It's tough fall. I'm doing the full like arms spread wide. Yeah. Yeah. You are rinsing off in this gentle rain. And then this silence is interrupted by a distant peel of lightning. And when that lightning crosses the sky, it illuminates your destination in your

destination in dramatic silhouette. Purched on a cliffside, a hundred feet above the churning specific ocean below, is a castle, unlike any you've ever seen. It is not grand or cathedral-esque or gothic or modern. It is somehow all those things at once. Each chamber, each buttress, each parapet appears to have been ripped from some other castle across world. in history and just slapped together into a single form. A clock tower glows above cobblestone ruins beside a courtyard of marble statues adjacent to a steamy iron bunker overshadowed by a sprawling library covered in ruins. All of these things, all of these spaces exist here in this one space, one hideous and

captivating building. You have arrived at Dracula's castle, and it would appear that somebody is home. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows, supported directly by you.