The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 21

Episode Date: June 6, 2024

The gang get advice from various old men on the best way to sneak into Dracula’s castle. Mutt seeks reassurance. Phileaux makes amends. Godwin ponders the future.Additional Music in this Episode:  "Sofia 30" by Nuno Adelaida: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Nuno_Adelaida; and "Erik Satie: Gymnopedie No 3" by Kevin MacLeod:  https://incompetech.com/.Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary, today is my birthday. Happy birthday, Dracula. Thanks, Dracula. Looking pretty good for 690. What's your secret? Oh, Godblood, dark magic, and some good old-fashioned clean living. Any plans? Well, I've ostracized the only dude who used to throw me parties,

and Victor is having another one of his moody spells who probably just gonna stay in tonight. Just chill and listen to Renfield's pain, screams, reverberate down the halls while my mind is ever tortured by the ghost of my aria taunting me from beyond the threshold of my memory. Six hundred and ninety years without losing. my mind.

That's a pretty good run. The three of you have made camp for the evening after an outrageously long day, during which you've obviously leveled up to level six because you defeated a god. That's the system we're using to track XP. Defeat one gone, get one level. One level. Cash it in. So I'm G6 now.

You are definitely G6. Hyde has helped you all sort of find shelter under a cliffside outcropping where you've set up camp, which is granting you protection from the torrential rainstorm that has sort of been pounding down since you reached the surface with Dracula's castle in sight. And as you all sort of gather around this fire, Hyde says, So let me get this straight. You're the king of England now. And you're the new turbo cardinal. Interim.

Yes. Intram. What about you? Godwin, did you get any kind of promotion down there? I became an Uber driver. Wow. That's, do you own an automobile? A carriage, yes.

Oh, okay. Have you ever seen, have you seen these new cars, though? They're so fucking sick. Do you want, I could give you like a baronet or you could be like, uh, you're already Lady Godwin, so I don't think I ignite you. You know what? Honestly, I have enjoyed the freighter not having to keep up the appearances of a station. I

enjoy the freedom. It's lent to me. If I wish to spend an afternoon ordering people about in the gardens, I can do that. If I wish to shout to the servants for not keeping the shelves clean, I can do that. I could spend my time however I like. Okay. So when Bachelorette parties puke in your carriage, you have your servants clean it. Of course. Yes, of course.

They're doing the driving. No. And wait, why, what are you licensed? I'm the Uber driver. I'm the greatest one. I just don't do it. But I was recognized for my abilities as the Uber driver. Hey, Hyde, can I ask you an important question that I probably should have thought about before this moment? Yeah, go ahead. Are we in England? No, man. Isn't that interesting?

What a crazy question. No, we're not in England. It's just hard sometimes, you know, you get all mixed up. I'm not really a geography guy. How far is Luminow from England? Good question. Oh. Tastity question.

Well, about, on horseback or? Yeah. Yeah, on horseback. I don't know. Different speed. I would say a week to four months. Okay, so like 20 miles? Depends on the horse, yeah.

Yeah, they're about. But as you're speaking to Hyde, you see the figure of Merlin appear at the far edge of this outcropping. And he's gesturing you to emphatically come and join him. Hold on, guys. I got to go talk to my old man. All right. You scurry off. On the other end of the outcropping, some distance away, Philo, you see Van Helsing.

just standing stock still, looking up at Dracula's castle, just sort of lost in thought. Does Justin also get an old man friend? It doesn't look like it. Oh, man. That's all right. We'll look for one for you. It's fine. We'll keep an eye out, buddy.

I got Dad. That's nice. I wish Dad was my old man friend. Who? No, he's gone too deep. Do you go to check on him? Oh, absolutely, yes. Okay.

So, Godwin, you have. you are left alone here at the fire with, uh, with Hyde. Um, and as, as your, as your teammates scurry off, uh, Hyde says. So, uh, what's the plan for like after, like, after you kick Dracula's ass and your friend takes his teeth? That's so interesting. I don't really thought beyond revenge. Part of the freedom, I suppose. Yeah, I'm just, I don't know about you. I'm just kind of realizing that, you know, you and I, we've literally got a second lease on life. And he points up at his neck bolts. So far, I've spent it getting sucked into a cult and working for a pretty grade A asshole.

Have you received any transmissions? I have courteousity. Oh, you mean like the signal? Yes, yes, yes. I mean, nothing particularly, you know, defined. I know obviously if I got the the procedure got the side bolts put in I'd be able to pick up the wavelength everyone else is grabbing but honestly

I'm not a big music guy and also that stuff kind of weirds me out it is rather odd is it? Hey can I ask you a personal question of course Mr. Hyde how much do you remember about

being dead Hmm. Huh. Um, hmm. For me it seemed very quick. Well, for my perspective, I was walking and then I wasn't. You know the worst part? Now that I think back, he didn't honk. No.

It's rude, no? Yeah, no, it's totally rude. You should at least honk just so the person knows to, you know, flash their life before their eyes and stuff. you know. What do you remember, Hyde? No, I mean, the same. That fucking sucks. You know, I wasn't... Well, there was the one... I mean, you saw him, right? Who's... who?

The judge? Oh, whoa. No, I didn't get a judge. Holy shit. Gresel. The judge. You learn his name? Gresel. Yes, Gresel the judge. You didn't go before Gresel. I wasn't dead that long, I don't think. You know, I always thought. the grizzalians had a blowing smoke out of their rear ends, but I'll be damned.

There's a right religion. And it was the grizzalians the entire time. You should keep that to, that might be. To myself, yes, of course. I was sharing it with you in strictest confidence, but yes. For the record, there is a right religion. No, this is a secret between Frankenstein, friends, for sure. Hail Griselle.

Hail Griselle, I guess. No, no, you don't have to guess. It's the glorious part. Oh, cool. It's just a direct one to. one. Everyone pays off. I just, I don't know.

I've been feeling, I've been feeling kind of weird lately, like, the whole natural order of things, and I'm not like a nature guy, but like, it's, it's, you know, living and dying, so something else can kind of have its turn. And I don't think all of this, and he gestures to just, like, on grave and his neck bolts and the puppet man scurring along with you, he says, it doesn't feel like it can keep going on forever without some kind of consequences. Yes, you're probably right about that height.

But we all find a way to live, no? We all find a way to keep going. It's natural, I think, as unnatural as it may seem, that we would want to continue on in whatever form. because we really aren't bound to them. You know, it's interesting. I've felt more myself now than I ever did previously. Hmm.

I do too. Just so you know, I'm probably going to run away in the middle of the night. Just heads up, I don't really care about killing Dracula, and I'm pretty scared of him. So I admit, I don't. I'm both flummoxed and flattered by your honesty. Yeah. I might just go find like the nearest sort of Grizzellian enclave and just like find out.

Honestly, I'm having trouble not bailing myself because I have not thrown up any good vibes to the big judge above. Yeah, but I don't even know like what to give what to give him. So I'm going to, I guess I'll go study up. No, it's, you don't have to $8. He told me, $8 a week. El week. Eight dollars a week. Is there work up there?

Sorry? Do you have to work? Here, on this plane, before you enter into the Grizzellian infinite item. Oh. Before the Grizzellian infinite item, on this plane, he demands $8 a week. I guess I can't. Irregardless of payment, irregardless of your economic situation, it's $8 or bust, he says. Wow.

I guess I'll cancel my 2B subscription. So I could go to heaven? Well, I don't want you to miss cake, boss. Some things are worth eternal damnation. Somethings are worth eternal damnation. Mut. But you make your way over to Merlin, as you get within earshot, you see him repeat. Pretty exasperated this time.

Congratulations. You've drawn Scaliper and proven yourself worthy of you know, it kind of loses its impact when you put it back in and take it back out. Oh my God, I thought you were a recording. What? I'm so sorry, man. I thought you were like a thing that would pop up and give me like a run to. It was like when someone's like, hey, rethru all this and then click the box.

Just kidding. I am a recording. I assume you're a, no, I'll just play in again. Oh, my God. Wizard's trickery. I'm an illusory form of the great wizard Nerlin. Will he try for one more? Probably. Are you?

Maybe at the end. I try to poke him. Your hand phases straight through him. He-hee. Just kidding. Didn't feel that. Okay. Sorry, my leash.

Good talk. No, I do want to, I mean, you did, you got a next time. I mean, hopefully there's not a next time, but just pull it out and keep it out. Because every time someone draws the sword from the stone, we have to stitch their name into this big tapestry.

And now we have to do that for you like a half dozen times. Kind of talking a lot of shit to your king, huh? Well, I'm certainly my leisure. I'm just trying to provide counsel. No, I'm just kidding, man. No, I'm just kidding. Please. It's my first thing, king. I'm over to any new idea. I scared the shit out of me, dude. I thought you were going to be

one of those asshole kings. No, no, man. Very laissez-faire. It's kind of my deal. So do you need help, like, chartering a ship? To England? Oh, man. Now. Well, who's been running it until somebody drew the store?

It's been like hundreds of years, man. Yeah, we've been kingless. It sucked. Oh, it was bad? Yeah. They got this thing, Democracy. And I think it's so boring.

It's like, just get one guy to make all the choices. That seems so much simpler. Too many cooks in the kitchen, if you ask old. As long as that one guy isn't a piece of shit, right? Yeah. It seems like it would work really. really well. And you're just checking not one of, not that.

I don't think I'm a piece of shit. All right. Wait, hold on. Hey, Godwin, Philo. Yes. Am I a piece of shit? Hmm. How long do we have?

Oh, man, I thought there'd be a faster answer. Uh, no. You could be a bit brusk. Okay. You could be a bit brusk, I said. Oh, okay, cool, but not a piece of shit. No, you're all right sort. Okay, cool, man.

Good. I have, my leisure. Your matters are wretched. Well, that's fair. You haven't asked, but they're quite bad. Yeah, okay. Room to grow. Thank you.

My liege. My lead, I appreciate the feedback. Rukon. My leash, I have gone ahead and scheduled their executions. No, no, man, they're cool. They're cool. One of them's interim, uh, Turbo Cardinal. What are you talking about?

Nothing. Just appointments for you, too, in the Royal Court. It's cool. I don't like to look on his face, Mike. My, my, my, my, my, my, Merlin is. I think he just has resting angry old man faith. Yeah, just, it's part of the magic. I'm always concentrating.

Oh, okay. Thank you. Did you say you named a turbo cardinal? Intram. Without, without, without the small holy council. That's why it's interim, man. They got to go through all the processes. Oh, they're going to be so pissed off, dude.

Yeah, but we had to kill the old turbo cardinal because he'd been turned into an evil vampire. And we were like, man, if we'd, We need some kind of overlap here We don't want to have a gap All right, well, there's I've charted a boat Out of West Aldengraveport It leaves in an hour

Can you get there? Because you're the king of England Yeah, can we do like a remote setup Man where I work from home? I don't understand Rule from home Yeah, well you would kind of be the conduit And you come to me and you're like

Hey, king taxes. What are we doing about that or whatever? And I would make the decision and then you go back and tell everybody, but I don't have to leave here. What, my liege, please forgive my impertinence, but what could you possibly be doing that's more important than being the king of England? Well, so the invisible man killed my brother Rusty. So I have to find Dracula, kill him, and take his teeth. So you, okay. Why not the invisible man? then why aren't you hunting? That's a great question, man. Rusty didn't ask me to do that.

It's weird. I know. Well, I think the Invisible Man thing, I'm putting together that maybe he was just beefing with us because we had to put down the troop of cobra because he was injured and dying, but in the process, doing a lot of harm to other people.

Okay. And so I think that that's more of like a vengeance thing. Right. And we don't want to get mixed up in that too much. Yes, no, dig two graves for sure. You are wise and just king. Hey, thanks, man. But Dracula, I do need to take his teeth and turn him into earrings,

but might actually turn one of them into a ring for this woman that I've kind of been courting. And so I can continue on the line. You're sorry, you're legally married now. Oh, no. To who? Yeah, when you begin, the queen. Wait, so there was a queen, but no king? Yeah.

You guys are crazy over there, man. Yeah, we're still figuring it out, I'm telling you. Yeah, England sounds like. a wild country. She's, she's like pretty chill. How old is she? This is an important question.

How old are you? I'm like 32. Yeah, that exact age. Hmm, okay. Ooh. Anyway, I guess I'll let all the guys know.

There's a new king. What guys? You know. Coul. Jester. Yeah. What's his name? The Jester's name?

Yeah, man. Jester. Yeah. Who said that? His name... My parrot. His name... I'm the wind.

Okay. His name is also Merlin. That might hate his cousin. It's me the wind. I think it's Jasper. I'm whispering it in your ear. I think it's Jasper the jester. That would be fucking crazy.

No, it's Merlin. Don't argue with the wind. I'm infinite. So I'll just let the guys know. You'll be a bit. As your king, I command that you don't argue with the wind. Okay. Whoosh.

Oh, wind's gone. Okay. We can stick with what you said. Other Merlin. That's fine. And I'm going to fill your sale of something proper. I'm not going back right now, man. I'm doing it.

No problem. Next time you're sailing, you shout out for me, the wind. You've done me a good turn this day, good sir. I won't forget it. Thank you the wind. Can you, listen. Yeah? Call upon me in your greatest...

Call upon me in your moment of greatest need. Okay, I'm going to write that down to my character sheet. You can summit, write it down, you can summit all the powers of the wind. Yeah. I'll be an airbender. Hell yeah. I have to go fill the sails of some merchant vessels now. I understand.

People require more supplies. Thank you. Much. It is our humidity. I am humidity. I can make it really dank here. There's a barbecue for you to ruin. Go on, you ready?

Let's go. Yeah, man. Get out of here. My hair's all crazy. Come on, man. Lady Goblin, you have my powers too. Whoa. This is so cool.

I haven't ever thought to do that before. Yeah, I know. DM's by committee. I love it. So let the guys. No. Okay, cool, man. Once you're done with your

blood pilgrimage. Oh, that's weird. I wish you, the best of luck, my liege, don't die because then some other guy's going to get the sword and then we'll have to put

their name up on the tapestry. Okay, well, if I die, I'll try to take the sword with me. How about that? I can eat it? You know, like if I fall into a volcano or something, I'll take it with me. Don't get it.

It's such a good strong sword. Okay. Hey, would you like to see some pornographic moving. No, I'm all set, man. Thank you very much. I'm more about pornography, like, written word kind of dude. My leash, they are incredibly erotic. Can you describe them through me?

Oh, sure. In great detail. Yeah. How tasteful? One of them, so there's one that, that's just a huge ass. We're going to jump over to Philo. And Van Helsing. He sees you approach as he's staring up at the castle,

and then he looks down at the big fucking crater in the ground that you blasted downward with holy power, and he says, In all my years of vampire hunting, I never thought to root out the source of Dracula's power. Of course, I probably wouldn't have assumed I could defeat a god, so my streak of underestimating you continue, it would seem.

Well, stupidity often aids in luck. So, yeah, it was kind of cool. And, oh, hey, I'm the turbo cardinal now. Interim! Interim! Interim turbo cardinal now? Yes, that is a tremendous responsibility. I'm not particularly well-versed in the church, but I've been looking into the Grisarian sect.

It seems like they've got a lot going on. but I am so sorry, I'm so sorry, I, I, I lived my life pursuing any opportunity I could find to gain an advantage over Dracula. And when one presented itself to me down in that cave, that thought of turning away from it was unthinkable. I know, Abe, listen, I understand what you were coming from. I try to be very empathic. I'm trying to feel what you feel. As the interim gerbocardinal, I feel it's very important that I develop my sense of empathy.

And I knew you weren't being you. That wasn't the eight that I met like four days ago. You misunderstand. That was me. That is why I am the vampire hunter of legend that I am is for that demeanor. But it is... Yes, but now you've evolved, and now you've become a better abe. I appreciate your concern for me, but, Philo, are you okay?

I saw what the Turbo Cardinal said. Your order has been destroyed. You seem to be taking this especially well. Well, here's the thing. I have come across as a much improved person. I will be really honest with you, Abe, and I can be honest with you. I'll lie to those two. But I'm really digging being a puppet.

I can't explain it. I like this form. My mind is so much more focused like a laser, which is a medieval laser, of course. Sure. Of course I'm familiar. And I'm very, very excited. It seems like, here's the way I like to think of it. You took the power that I had before.

and condensed it down into the smallest form. You know, like, Ant Man, when he punches somebody, it knocks them down as if he's hitting them with the force of a full-size Paul Rudd. That's what I feel like in this compressed body, and I'm really enjoying it. I'm liking it quite a bit. Well, that's, I suppose, good. But will you...

Will you continue on now? The Terpo Cardinal is gone, so there is no need to pursue a cure. Well, I feel like I did cure him. I accomplished my mission already. My mission was to find what had caused him to become a vampire. And I feel like I did that by uncovering the impact that Ahn had on had on him. I feel like I cured the Turbo Cardinal, which he asked me to do. He asked me to cure him.

You killed the hell out of him. Yes. I cured him to death, is what I did. And I feel like it's mission accomplished. Give me an insight check, Philo. Insight? That would be a four. Okay.

He's looking at you a little funny. but you can't quite, you can't quite discern why. He says, So you'll go on to kill Count Strachula? Oh, yes. Oh, yes, yes. Listen, I didn't have that commitment before, but Lady Godwin and Mut have saved my wooden bacon many, many times.

And I feel an obligation to see this through to the end. And I also told you that if I accomplished my task, I would kill Dracula. And so... That is true. So I'm a big believer in commitment. Commitment, Abe, commitment. There are only two creatures worth anything in the world. Those that make a commitment and those that require the commitment of others.

I'd no other dialogue from 1776 too. You want me to recite. No, that's quite okay. I feel like Justin and I have really turned over a new leave that we let dad go so far with quoting from 1776. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, I would have let you go as long as you want it done. I want you to know. My secret drive, meditation.

Oh, that's lovely. If you just step away from the podcast for a bit, you know. Okay. If you two will sing out real loud, sit down, John, and I'll do more. Well, my secret, Justin, is it's like neurodivergent meditation. which I call zoning out. Oh, okay, interesting. Yeah.

He grins at you and he nods his head. He says, I admire you, Philo. I do. You are, you are surprisingly selfless. The reason I hunt Count Dracula is not for some vengeful, impulse, but for what he represents everything he does he does for himself with

no regard for what he takes from anybody else and it is his selfishness that same selfishness that erodes the heart of this world and in Dracula I see that selfishness has been given a form that can be slain

and I I do think you are up to the task ask, Philo. I will stop trying to rest control of this body for my own. In doing so, I am no better than Dracula. I swear to you, Philo, it will not happen. It will not happen again. But can I still call on you for advice? Of course, yes. I will make myself available to you as much as you might need. You have not put the trigger on that too many times at this point, started to worry. maybe you forgot I was knocking around in here.

Well, last time we spoke, you were a bit... It was feisty, yes. Feisty. Yes, harsh even, I would say. So I didn't really feel comfortable asking you favors when I... Yes, understood. Well, cool, man. I guess it's not the time.

Yeah, we're good. We're super, super good. Let's go kill Dracula. Come on, fist bump. Little fist bump. I don't... Okay, he goes to punch you. Is he like this?

Oh, no, no, no. Never mind. Never mind. Okay. Can you do the gun, the gun thing with your fingers? Uh, yes. Right on. I can't make the sound with my...

Can we get back to Merlin's description of pornography or what, and I'm blue-balling over here? You left me on big ass, man. I can't stop thinking about it. Well, what's even worse, he said big ass, now let's go to Philo, as if that jogged his memory. Yeah, absolutely. I'm Sequoia Holmes, pop-culturist, and host of the Black People Love Paramour podcast. Contrary to the title, it is not a podcast about the band Paramore.

Each episode, I, along with a special guest co-host, dissect one pop culture topic that mainstream media doesn't associate with black people, but we know that we like. Tune in every Thursday to the podcast that's dedicated to helping black people feel more seen here on Maximum Fun. I'm Yucky Jessica. I'm Chuck Crudsworth. And this is Terrible. A podcast where we talk about things we hate that are awful. Today we're discussing wonderful.

A podcast on the Maximum Fun Network. Host Rachel and Griffin McElroy, a real-life varied couple. Yuck! Discuss a wide range of topics. music, video games, poetry, snacks. But I hate all that stuff. I know you do, yucky, Jessica. It comes out every Wednesday, the worst day of the week, wherever you download your podcasts.

For our next topic, we're talking Fiona, the baby hippo from the Cincinnati Zoo. I hate this little hippo. The three of you awaken after full night's rest, and first you discovered that you all died peacefully. the night. Well, a twist. Go ahead and take a long rest. You will probably need it.

You notice that true to his word, hide, has snuck off in the middle of the night. Dang, I meant to try to stop that, but I completely forgot about it. Dang, if I didn't go to sleep. You all, I mean, the sun doesn't rise because that doesn't happen here in on grade, but you feel like you've gotten your full 40 winks.

And you, can see sort of the approach down through the woods to Dracula's castle. It appears to be like, you'd guess, like maybe a half hour hike from this cliff where you have taken shelter. Hey, guys, I know that this is out of nowhere and we've never really talked about it before. But, you know, now that we're staring down the barrel of facing off against Dracula, I find myself contemplating religion. And I think I'm really, I think I'm ready to buy into the Church of Pyroche, whose fire burns away all weakness and evil in the world. Isn't that an interesting choice?

How bold. Yeah. I'm not sure I agree with their doctrine, but I mean, listen, it's all about choice, baby. It's all about choice. They have different opinions than we Methodists. I believe that the sun is sentient. Okay.

And it speaks to us every day. Only at 7.15 and 9.15 p.m. The shows are the same. That's true. I believe I have to give up $8 a week. Oh, you're a gazillion. Well, yes. Grizzle the judge, that's just my thing.

So you're saying I shouldn't worship Pyroche. I should worship Griselle? Let's see how your manners do. Okay. Eternity's an awful long time to spend with someone such horrid matters. That's a weird way to respond, but okay. When you say that, your campfire ignites back to life in an angry roar. All bless Pyroche.

It goes back down. The fire kind of nods at you like, yeah, I'm fucking watching you, man. All right, Pyroch. Cool. I got you, boy. All right, guys, my plan to narratively establish more gods that we can kill to increase our level is working perfectly. Shit, so. Think about that. Griffin has granted me.

Griselle and Pyroche. And the wind, if we so choose. I mean. And the wind, if you so choose. And humidity. Good luck with those. No, they have a dual battle. And the Methodist God is already established.

It's like, who are the two knights, Griffin from... Ornstein and Smog? Yes, yes, it's Ornstein and Smog battles. You got to take on Humidity and Wind. And who do the Methodist worship? We should take him out, too. You have to take on humidity, wind, and John Cena. Oh, no.

All three of them? It's a themed battle because you can't see any of them. Oh. Any other business before you all make your way? Yes, I'm going to roll up my mystery elixir. Yes. and that would be garlic juice

Oh perfect Liquid sunshine What? Five. Oh, it's another flight. Good, I needed that. Good, I needed that. Good, when we exit the outcropping,

you said it's been raining a lot, right? Yeah, it is, it is still raining and it has lightened up than from where it was. Okay. I want to scope the mud for any footprints that may be

related to the invisible man. Um, okay, so are you just, I think that this is a fairly, you know, you are beyond the stranglemire at this point. Like, people don't come out here, right? This area doesn't get a lot of foot traffic. Yeah, give me a, give me a survival check, please. That's an 11 total. Um, no, you don't see any signs of, I mean, you see one pair of footprints where, uh, where Pyroch carried you. Uh, no, you see one pair of, footprints, you identify them as hides because they're gigantic, stomping back towards the hole that you, the holy light sort of blasted in the landscape. You do not see any other, any other footprints out around these parts. I have one more thing to do. Yeah, absolutely. I am going to use an infusion. I have a brand new infusion I can use. Okay. And I'm going to cast it, if it's all right with Lady Godwin on Jennifer Myers. Ooh, okay, great.

Yeah, I'll take any magic you got, pal. It's radiant weapon. Oh, hell yeah. Radiant weapon grants a plus one bonus to attack and damage rolls made with it. And while holding it, the wielder can take a bonus action to cause it to shed bright light in a 30-foot radius and dim light for another 30 feet. Cool. You have four charges of the, bright light effect or on the usage of it?

Is that how this works? Like each time I attack someone with it? On the light. You have four charges. Oh, on the blast of light. Okay, cool. But the plus one bonus to attack and damage rolls made with it is permanent. Now, as a reaction immediately after being hit by an attack, the wielder can expend one charge and cause the attacker to be blinded until the end of the attacker's next turn.

Okay. Unless the attacker succeeds on a constitution saving rule against your spell. save D.C. Thank you. Let me, uh, I'll add that to the, uh, the old Super Marish character sheet. Uh, cool. So, uh, you all, uh, begin your descent down towards the, down towards the castle, I'm assuming. Yes. Absolutely. On our cool motorcycles that I just found. Whoa, holy shit. Yeah, man. Um, okay. So, we went out of gas once we reach the castle, though.

Oh, that's a bummer. Yeah. You all make your way down this, down this descent through the small patch of woods on foot. And as you make your way down, it's a bit treacherous with the rain and the mud. But you all reach a sort of clearing just beyond the border of the land around the castle. And Van Helsing appears. and, Father, you hear him say. So not to micromanage, but what's the game plan?

Do you mind if I use the puppet mouth to talk? Oh, no, go ahead. Hey, guys, it's me, Van Helsing. Whoa, he took over Father's body. I need to cast a spell. No, no, no, it's chill. What's the game plan? Oh, we're going to kill Dracula, and I'm going to take his teeth.

That's right. That's the whole game plan? Well, of course, I'll hit him with the axe, and then do you have Scalibur? I do have Scalibur, man. Oh, I hate it with that. That will kill him for sure. Give me an Arcana check, please, uh, Mutt. Oh, okay. Are you sure? Yeah.

That's an 18 plus 1, a 19. Um, you noticed that the glow of Excalibur has faded. somewhat of Scalibur has faded somewhat. Hey man, I just noticed that the glow of scowler faded somewhat. As it does, you can make out runes. I can make out runes now. Now as the King of England,

you can read these runes. I got King Vision. And it says, return to throne on it. And you detect that the power of Scalibur is perhaps linked to the duty that it also bestows upon you. And so it has waned a bit in power being away from the throne of England.

Okay, so is this like the more I use it or the longer I wait? I'm sending you a new magic item on DAAD beyond. Oh, hell yeah. For Scalibur. It's still going to be a strong plus one long sword that deals radiant damage. but it is not the god-slaying needle that it was. But maybe if you go sit on the throne of England. Can I do that real quick and come back?

No, I mean, it would take like two weeks to four months to get there. So, I mean, it would be a significant point. You don't know what the situation is going to do. Van Helsing says, if I may, I do know a way in that is not the front door, although it seems like perhaps shark and awe is your party's strong suit. There is a sewer

outflow behind the castle overlooking the cliff facing the sea below. It is precarious and it is a yucky, but if you were wanting to take the stealthy approach, that would likely be your best option. I mean, it seems rude

to enter without an invitation. Dracula is not going to invite, basically, anyone. Yeah, but he can't enter my house with an invitation, so it seems like I shouldn't take advantage that, you know, that I can come and go as a please, right? Sorry, your name is Mutt. King Mutt. King Mutt, cool. You must take every advantage you can possibly find out of my age. You can just say my liege. My liege, I don't like, okay, my liege. We're not in England. Your majesty? You're not my majesty, don't. You're not my

majesty, though. Well, I'm not saying my majesty. You say your match, because I'm still my own majesty. Okay. I'm not going to tell you all your business. If you want to take the front door, you may fare very well doing that. But any approach you do take into this castle will not remain unnoticed for long. Dracula has eyes all around his estate.

You may be able to get in without drawing his attention, but you will gain that attention before too long. Okay. Can you switch back to Philo? talk to him? Yeah, sure. Be whoop! Um. So, did that help?

Yeah, man, he said we could sneak in the sewer and we'd be less likely to die, but it would be icky. I don't mind icky. I mean, we've been covered in demon godblood, I think, you know. I don't think the little poopie's going to hurt us. Wait, does Dracula shit? Oh, isn't that interesting? Hmm.

He's on an all-liquid diet. Wait, hold on a second. Abe, does Dracula shit? Yep. Yes, he shits. That's why. Have you found a weakness? Well, if it shits, it dies.

That's what my dad always said. It's crazy. Yeah, he was a weird guy. It's crazy your dad said that. Yeah, I think it was a joke. I think he was laughing when he said it. I don't think it was like a thing. But we're just talking about when we go through the soup.

were why it would be icky. Yes. And then Philo said like poopy, and I was like, oh, what? Dracula shit. I mean, there are likely utter people inside the castle, too, who I assume also have regular bowel movements. Right, right, right.

They're keeping up on fiber in there. Does he have a bidet? Do you know that? I don't think anyone has a bidet. It would be a benight, right? That's very funny and good. I like you, but. Or a blood-a?

Maybe blood-a? Hey, dad. Hey, dad. Can I talk to you over here for a second? No, you can't talk to me. I'm inside the puppet. You whoop? Yes, what is it?

Nothing, man. Don't worry about it. But I remember that. This blood is so good. And mutt writes down on a little sheet with X's on it for interim cardinal. He just writes an X in one of three boxes. Hey, sorry, it's me again. I'm sorry that it makes that noise when we switch.

Yeah, and you also look like a, It hurts. No, it's not so bad, but the noise makes it sound like some sort of cartoon whistle, and I do, I am sorry. It takes away from some of the seriousness of our important mission. Okay, so we're going to sneak in the Ipoo pipe. Hey, everybody, give it up for Philo. Ew. There.

So did he answer the poopie question? Yeah, apparently, Dracula does shit, and there's probably other people in there. So let's go through the poopy pipe. okay and maybe we'll get lucky and we can stab Dracula in his butt because if he's

using the body when we come up through the body we can just stab him are we sure he doesn't have a blood day because I had this idea guys that I was going to put holy water in there

it would be it benight not a blood day with five little day and then we put in it oh man it would be so funny oh blood day we put a holy water

in his blood day give me a perception check, everybody, please. Okay. 16. 15 plus 7, 22. 16 for me.

Hell yeah. Yeah, you all get a quick delay of the land as you peer towards Dracula's castle from this clearing. You see a pretty actually clear route following the tree line here that you can go sort of the long way around the estate here. This tree line terminates fairly close, actually, to the cliffs. edge, which is where you would need to sort of make your way to reach the backside of this castle where the outflow is. With a with a 22 mutt, you in particular, you notice there are some lamps that are positioned by the front door, but then also at sort of like odd intervals across the outer wall of

this castle. These lamps are, they have the same sort of amber glow that the light of luminow has. You also notice, you did not catch this at the Frankenstein lab that you all sort of went to very early in your adventure. You do clock at this time. A squirrel darts by on the ground. As it does, one of those lamps, you see what looks almost like a pupil form and follow the rabbit before the pupil vanishes as the rabbit sort of scurries off. All right. So it looks like we got a security system. Hey, Griffin, is there security coverage on the pipe as well?

With that 22 perception check, I'll let it roll. There is one on the sort of wall facing the tree line that you guys are taking cover in. You think that, you know, with the distance to it and the rainfall and, you know, knowing kind of where to go, it would not be too hard to sneak by it. Do you are, do they seem to be moving, like, pivoting? I mean, the eyeball was certainly, the lamps themselves are not moving, but the, the pupil that kind of form definitely did track this squirrel as it ran. I, um, so mutt is going to summon a beastial spirit.

So, very smart. Um, to draw its attention. Fantastic. He's going to do I think a falcon Something flying So that it'll draw their attention up That's great

I'm not even going to make you roll for that That definitely works you So I'm going to falcon Send it flying towards this lamp Closest to the cliff's edge And you see that pupil form And then your falcon sort of flies You know, hovers

Does some loop de loops On the other side of the lamp Away from the cliff's edge sort of drawing its attention away. Oh, I got distracted. By how cool my falcon was. Oh, let's go. Come on.

Move quick. Cool. I will need group a stealth check with advantage because of this falcon deception that is taking place here. How does that work? Does everybody, you just take the average of the... Usually I just sort of take the middle.

You take the best to two averages. I got, 21. I think I would have advantage because I got... One. And then I got an 18. Wow. I got two 21s in a row. Holy shit.

Stealthy did they? Uh, three. Thank you. Please do better. Thank you, Grizzell. And then I got a dirty 20. Holy shit.

That 20 is an average. Is the average. So you all got a 20 on this stealth check. It was not that high. You guys fucking crushed this. It's the most competent. stealth maneuver. I think the three of you have ever done in TANNAMM just cartwheels. Maybe ever on

the history of... Maybe in all the adventures in the wind. We're in that poopie pipe like the wind. That's one good falcon man. Yeah, thanks. So, she's like a knife. You all run and sort of press up against the back wall of the castle. You are now overlooking the cliff's edge.

You are up maybe a hundred feet above the sort of roiling ocean below. You all can see, with that stealth check, you have enough time to kind of get the lay of the land here on the back side of the castle. There are no lamps that you can see. Instead, the kind of danger here is the cliff. The castle is built right on the edge of it.

There is a ledge kind of that goes around the back of the castle. So it is very, very long. It runs the whole length of the castle. About 80 feet down this ledge, which is not like so precarious. It's not a balance beam. It's like, you know, a couple feet wide. You can see a sewer grate. Just a big old hole in the wall, quite large, tall enough.

You will not have to duck to get in here, Lady Godwin. There is a statue of a gargoyle that is posted up here at sort of the corner. of the castle on one end of this ledge. And then all the way down on the other end of the ledge, you see a matching gargoyle statue. Both are just kind of like facing out at the sea. They've been sort of, some of their features have been slightly eroded away by the salt air. That is the situation.

The ledge, it is a sheer drop off down a cliff where you two have, you know, misstep back here. And the pipe is the top. Yes. Where are the top of the cliff and the gate is at the bottom? No, sorry. Yeah, I'm trying to picture it. Sorry. No, the gate is on the back wall of the castle.

It is still, it is not down the cliff. The only thing down the cliff is sharp rocks and the ocean and death. In our orientation, what is between us and the gate? About 80 feet of ledge that you will have to sort of. And where are the gargoyles? On either end of the castle. So we will have to pass them. Yes, I mean, it's a little bit precarity.

You only have to pass one of them because the other one is on the far end. Okay. Okay, I'm going to tie a rope to my waist and the other end to my hand. My disembodied hand. Oh, okay. I thought for a second you're anchoring yourself to yourself, which was such a bold move. Yeah. I'll never let me fall.

I'm always here I'm the only one I can trust in this life I get it man You know you're always gonna be there And if you fall you know you're right there I got no one to blame of myself For sure But no one to trust about yourself

You have built this This grappling hook Which has worked for you I believe in the past I don't think I have I don't think I've used it It is actually gonna be more of a security measure here Okay I'm not gonna grapple

I'm just gonna have it when we were getting out of the hole Oh okay great Perfect What are you You know You know what? I remember that and then I undo it and I put it back in my bag.

You don't want to be a one-trick pony. Yeah, I was like, if I didn't realize I had done this before, never mind. Yeah. I'll just risk it. Cool. Any other maneuvers you all would like to... Can I see the gargoy as clearly?

They just seem like run of the mill. Gargoyas, they don't seem like animated, is what I'm looking for. Sexy or animated at all. Sexy or animated. Like they might be called like Bronx or Brooklyn or even Goliath You all, I would say give me either I mean if you're checking to see if there's some sort of animation magic

That these things are imbued with that would be an arcana check I think an intimidation or perception check is just going to There's statues like I don't know that there's anything What would you think about survival to see if I've encountered Gargoyle's before? You have not encountered. I mean you've encountered gargoyle statues it at, I mean, this is the, I forget what he said, but it's gothic as fuck in this zone.

So there's plenty of them. Okay, I got to quit on my arcana check. Oh, shit, man. Sheesh. Yeah, man, I mean, you get up on this statue to try and sort of like step away from it. And you just, you feel a breath from inside of it. just sort of like push up against your face as you try to step by it

and then you hear a voice deep in the statue just go, shit. Mm-hmm. All right, man. Shit, shit, shit. All right, hey. I know you're in there. Yeah, huh?

As king of England, I command you to talk to me. I clock what's going on and I throw a rocket, whatever. of them. The one on the other end of the ledge is a very, very far distance. Yeah, you heard me. You heard what I said. But if you want to clonk this one.

You said, no, I have the far one, Griff. You heard what I said. Okay, give me an attack roll with disadvantage. Okay, perfect. This is no worse than I deserve. It's a 15 and a 21. Okay. You said it's really far.

If you don't want to give it to me at 15, I don't blame you. No, I mean, you throw this rock. a good like 120 feet. You are Tom Brady out here just yeeding this stone. Here's what I did, Griffin. I tied a rope to my mage hand, and then I put the rock in the mage hand, and then I swing the mage hand,

super and you were fast and then chuck it. Okay, it takes a while. This rock is in the air for a long time, and then you hear it just sort of, and then it collides with the head of this gargoyle, and you see a piece of its ear chip off, And you just see the gargoy reach up and go, ow!

Okay. Who did that? It was the wind. So what's up, man? Like what? Are you guys like guards or just hanging out or what are you doing? I'm a mouse. I'm a mouse in here.

I'm a mouse in the statue. I'm a mouse in the statue. I climbed inside as my home. That's not true. Talking mouse. That's not true, man. You're a living gargoyle. Hey, you can talk to me.

I'm the king. Give me a person. situation check. Certainly with advantage. He's a king. You're not the king of gargoyles. Now hold on. I spotted that he was living statue, Griffin. King of British Gargoyles.

Yeah, is he British? How British? It doesn't sound British. He doesn't sound British is he. That's a seven. That was on the low roll though. With advantage it's an eight. Yeah, you show him. Are you guys going on into the hole? No. Are you?

No, man, I can't move. I'm a statue. You can't move a little bit? I just saw that guy reach up and touch his ear. He's back standing still again. All right. Like, looking sideways at you. Does he have like, can you see a little lip quiver?

Yeah, he's definitely trembling a little bit. He's a mouse too. He's not a mouse. I saw him move. Is my brother. What's his name? Chair. What?

Chair. Chair. He's a mouse named chair. Yeah, and he lives in that statue And my name is Fred I pull out this stick of dynamite What's that? Oh, this is dynamite

It's an explosive Food? Oh, not food No, turn you to dust I thought it was like a yummy cheese For me squeak sweet Oh my God So you gotta go in that hole

Yeah, you know what we are All right, go forward, man Now you see the statue kind of bust it up a little bit. I'm going to try to push him off the ledge. Give me a string trick. Would you like to help me?

I wouldn't. I don't know why I went. Okay, I want to watch you. I'm going to see what happens with you first. Okay. Did you fucking kidding me, dude? This set, I see him straight and I go over and give a good job. Okay, hold on, wait, wait, because you're big.

Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't, don't. Oh, so you weren't going to push off the ledge when we tried to get past you? I got it at a 25. Shit. Okay, this statue begins scooting. Rumbling. That statue on the other end looks over like, oh, shit. And it was a flying drop kick.

That's what I did. I ran out. Just gave it the flying drop kick. It's wings, the one on the far end, unfurl, and it begins flying towards you all. And you hear the mouse, or rather, you hear the gargoyle, Say, you're chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill, chill. I can't fall. I don't want to fall. Why not? I'll have to find a new statue to live in. Okay, man. Listen, I was going to push you off, but that's like my, it's my job.

Okay. I don't, I'm not like a, like, I'm a statue and I was brought to life by, you know, someone who lives in this, is Dracula. You know Dracula. Yeah, man. Yeah, I figure. Um, so yeah, he's, we're like the centuries for the back. The other gargoy is looking over it, you'll kind of confuse like, You need help, man! Let's fuck these guys up! I don't really... No, I don't want to. Actually, could you do me a favor, actually? And if you could just actually sort of push me around the corner so I'm not facing the ocean...

I just kind of would like just sort of a new view or something. I suppose. If we do that, can we go past without you pushing us? I mean, I'm... I don't know how I would do that. I'm just a little squeaky guy here. Swear on Pyroche. Who's that?

Oh, it's my God. Is it food? That's not food. Shit. Okay. Yeah, I swear on Pyroche for sure. And my friend, my friend chair, I mean, my brother chair is going to be super chill also. I'm going to roll Insight Griffin.

Okay. That's an 11 total. This is an honest man. Okay. I trust him. Let's turn this guy. This guy glow. I won't make you roll again.

I think you've proven your strength is actually. adequate to move this garcoyle. Thank you. You push him. Where are you moving him? What kind of view do you want to give this statue? Just the ground, right? You're just knocking him over?

Just knocking him over and lay face down. That's what Godwood's opening offer. I'll tell you what. If we get in there safe, we'll come back and fix you. This sucks. This sucks down here. There's bugs. Do you want to, we get Amy at the poop pipe?

I don't want to look at the poop pipe. This feels cruel. How about the sun? There is no sun. This is Ongrave, what you talking about? Back towards the mountain, and you can see, like, the Stranglemire and stuff. Just fucking forget it. No, no, no, no.

I have a feeling you could see sun sooner than you think. What's that mean? We're going to kill Dracula, and my secret hope is that we'll make everything sunny again. You know what? I got a friend who could show you some pornography. That sounds pretty good. Who are you talking to? I'm talking to the gargoyle.

Oh Um He might even have some garg- He might have some gargoy up pornography My my papa always used to say Goils love the smut Yeah A little goyle on goil

Huh Jesus Christ You have to Fuck That And that's seen I don't

We can't I know But like we can't We hope you've enjoyed Taz versus Dracula No we hope you've enjoyed The Adventure Zone We hope you've enjoyed Travis McRoy's career.

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