The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 22

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

The hunters make it inside Dracula's castle but their trials are not over yet. They encounter strange cutlery, formal spectres, and even more monsters. Phileaux makes a friend. Godwin breaks some dishes. Mutt takes aim. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary, I was reading the old Yorker during this morning's Constitutional when I came across some stuffy science tool writing about probability. He said that infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters with infinite time could eventually write Hamlet. Now, I met Shakespeare back when I hunted Stratford-Bonevan and let me just say, Dude's operating capacity is like 20 to 25 monkeys' tops. But it got me thinking, what if I had my own army of creativity monkeys? Because I think I know exactly where to find some. That probably won't come back in.

No, definitely not. I mean, everything he says is so silly. So silly. Like, all of it's silly jokes and none of it is, like, big. I think the thing that I most come away with when I think about Dracula is, what a silly little guy. A silly little guy. Did I, did I, is my one contribution to the Adventure Zone canon as a GM, is my one contribution to the form that you're allowed to have a narrator that everyone can hear for no reason? And then they just have to deal with it.

Yes. I feel like that is my, if I've elevated the form. The form has changed. Yeah, the game has changed. In some contribution, yeah. Because sometimes it's hard to fit a guy in there who says stuff that's like important. Well, let's be honest, it's a stopgap between the weirdness of sitting here talking about how our kids won't sleep. And then one of us is like, I'm Dracula now.

Yeah, yeah. It's a table setter. Yeah, let's build. An amuse-boosh of Dracula. I would almost. So I would almost say, Juice, that you are also the originator of the concept of a narrator and then a narrator going into the narrator. Wow. Yeah, that's true.

Think about it. Steeplechase, yeah. So the three of you have circumnavigated the gargoyle trap I set for you outside and is one of my best ones. So... Do you think we circumnavigated that? I feel like we solved it, right? Yeah. Dealt with the situation.

Like, circummed. Was there a different? Yeah. We did like a lot of things to it to make it go away. Well, check it out. We gave them pornography. What was the other solution? These mean stone guys were going to push you off the castle to die.

And that didn't happen. So were we supposed to let them do that to solve the puzzle? You wanted us to die? Well, no, because you figured it out. You got around. So we solved it. We didn't circumnavigate. the puzzle, you solve the puzzle.

Like if I put together a thousand piece jigsaw puzzle, you wouldn't be like, oh, really worked your way around that one. Yeah, you just solved it. I don't think circumnavigate means to... It means to go around it. Go around it. Oh, okay. Well, okay. You got around these gargoyles without them killing you.

Okay? And that's good. And I'm super proud of you. I still doesn't feel like you're doing this justice. That sounded so insincere. Are you proud of us or not? I'm proud. I am so proud. I'll be proud when you kill Dracula.

I'm reserving. I'm no hard to please. I know. You all have made it into the rear entrance of the castle. You've found yourself in a small sort of sewer outpipe. It is gross in here, but not so gross that you take like doogie damage or anything like that. This is, you get the impression, sort of the last. chance you have to

to chill or plan before things before you head up the spiral staircase in front of you into the castle proper. So if there's anything you need to ready or repair before that happens. Well, I would ask this. Is it wild to take a long restful?

Duky rest. A long feast and rests inside Dracula's Duky Alco's. Is that weird? Because I could really use a break. Is there a nook in here that we could perhaps squirrel away and maybe have a little less Duky exposure?

If you guys wanted to take a long rest in here, we could figure that out. It would be the grossest place you've ever slept. It would be the worst and grossest place you've ever slept. You don't know that. Philo's not worried because he has a coating of Shalak. So he's pretty safe from the Duky. That's cool. I love you and I'm not, I don't want to

belabor this, but you said to us, your last time to rest is here in this dukey place. Sure, rest. And then you're like getting all, getting your feathers in a twist because we're like, all right, well, rest here in the shit like you want to sit. Well, I was assuming this would be a rest of a short variety. I have 12 hit points. It will not be a short rest. It will be a long rest.

How do you have 12 hit points? We definitely took a long rest back at the outcropping. Yeah, yeah. You had a, we haven't thought shit since then. Yeah, you have not. thought shit. You all should be fairly hailing hardy. I don't know if you took any damage from the, from these cargoils. I didn't tell you guys, but I stood watch while you slept. Oh, a brave sentinel. That is actually a feature of, uh, brother Philo that he does not need to go completely

dormant when he sleeps. So it's a bit redundant. I know. That's what made the sacrifice even more beautiful and unnecessary. Well, if you want to retcon and say that you did take a long rest then, that's fine. Or you guys can camp out in this sewer approximately 45 minutes after getting up From your last long arrest? I'm pushed. No, no, we can keep moving. Let's see. I just realized I have a light source from my hat.

And, of course, Lady Godwin has a light source. You're definitely going to have to re-up that, right? That light source was from when we were in the cave or we was fighting the igor's fish or whatever. Do you know what's weird when you're the turbo cardinal? Actually, when you cast light is forever. Oh, man. Well, I just think if we get separated, it would be good for mut to have a light source. So I am going to use my last infusion.

Wait, hold on. You don't have to do that, man. I have light. I can cast light on things. You'll like this light, okay? You'll really like this light. Who are you sneaking this past, man? Just tell me what you're doing.

I'm going to replicate a magic item, which is a new ability. that I have at level six. I am going to create a lantern of revealing and give it to mutt. Do you have one already that you're replicating? What do you mean? That's creation, man. Replicating implies that you're replicating a thing

and I don't know that you have one of these to replicate. Do you have what you're replicating? You replicate a particular magic item, You create it. I guess this is more like the replicator on the space. There you go. Yeah. Yes, as far as I can tell, this is not, it's not a copy of a thing.

You just create it. All right. Travis is with me, though. Yeah, no, it's a wild. It's a wild power. Okay, so what is the lantern of revealing do, Clint? The lantern of revealing, hold on. Lantern of Revealing.

Hold on as if you have something else you're going to. While lit, the hooded lantern burns for six hours on one. pint of oil, shedding bright light in a 30-foot radius and dim light for an additional 30 feet. Invisible creatures and objects are visible as long as they are in the lanterns bright. Interesting. Okay, cool. That's a good idea, Dad. I thought this would come in very handy.

I thought that was going to be a bad idea. No. I like it. I like it. I like it. I know. I like it. Yeah, that's right, man.

Love that. And here you go. But, yeah, this little light of thine, you're going to let it shine. Should I hide it under a bush or something? Well, that's fine if you want to take the... No! No, I'm going to let it shine. All right, let it shine.

Can I... Can I ask you to a question? Yes. Before we proceed? You just did. Well, it occurs to me, we've been very sure of ourselves to this point. And rightly so, fearsome. If we arrive and Dracula proves obviously too much for us to deal with,

are we willing to run? I know the impulse, of course, is to say no, if it wants to be heroic, but is this a cause we would die for? I will speak first and say, frankly, I'm not quite sure. I wanted to see how you two felt. so lady godwin i think that's an excellent question but here's the way i look at it man basically i'm not looking at this from like a cause kind of way more of like when you're when you're surprised by a predator right if you're in the woods and you come upon a predator you have

uh like a couple options right you make yourself big try to scare them away uh you fight them right you run you play dead that kind of thing and they're some situations where the most dangerous thing you can do is run. And I'm, I just get the suspicion that if we're trying to outrun Dracula and whatever he's got in there on their home turf and then get out of the Stranglemire without getting caught, that's going to prove more dangerous than just, you know, standing and fighting or hiding or whatever. You know what I mean? Once we've struck it track.

He'll leave us little window to escape. Yeah, man, he's not just going to let us go, you know? But the way I look at it is up until now, been moving forward with purpose, and the purpose being we got a goal that we're working towards and questioning that goal now when we're so close to, like, trying, and either you try and you fail or you're trying to succeed.

So really, the way I other than, look at it. We got a 50-50 chance of this thing going well. Well, I suppose that's true. It's almost as good as even odds. Okay. That's right. Well, if the die will be cast after our first strike, I'll make my first strike lopping off his fucking head.

That's very good. I like that. You had success with that with the Wolfman, so that worked out well. You know, it's a classic. I found, um, I fear repeating myself, of course. Consider myself a, uh, artisan. But you can do just a signature at this point,

you know what I mean? Well, it's in the details. The polish. Yes. Oh, the flourish is beautiful. Now, listen, as far as the plan goes,

I don't. Oh, what, that's excellent. Yes. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. We're going to plan. Now, hear me out because I don't want to, I don't,

that's, now I'm over promising because I don't have a capital P plan so much. Because I got a little, I got a little P plan. Little P plan? A little P plan. Look at that little plan.

Here's what the only kind of pieces that we know, right, that are kind of useful to us is right now, if you were to cut Dracula's head off, I think like a little Dracula body grows off of that, right? And then. Sterecled, but non-helpful. Yeah. So it seems to me that before we can put Dracula down for good, right, we need to, now that he's moved on from whatever power. on was giving him, figure out what's happening with the Frankenstein thing and how he's able to keep that regeneration going. And so my original thought of been just get in there, kill Dracula, get out before, I don't know, whatever other people are there. Oh, but.

You're, you're, I hadn't considered that Dracula's replication is a, not just one of his many abilities, but a new occurrence. Well, I mean, maybe it's new, maybe it's not, but we're kind of going in there without knowing all the details of, you know, the object of our hunt. We know that destroying will likely not be purposeful. Perhaps the best we can hope for is to bind with Scalibor. Oh, see, I was kind of more hoping we'd find a book in Frankenstein that was like, How to Kill Dracula? But I see what you're saying, and I think, yeah, maybe the story, I could like stick him in. the ground real hard. Uh-huh.

And then he wouldn't be able to get past the hill. Uh, the crossguard kind of deal, maybe. Uh, gentlemen, uh, friends, hold on one moment. Let, let's, I'd like to phone a friend. Hold on. You got a phone? Oh, yeah, good idea. Van Helsing, can you, uh, take over and have a discussion with the, the, the gang here?

Yeah, uh, yes, I can do that. Can you apologize for the sound? It's, it's so embarrassing. Which sound? What sound? The sound it makes. soon we switch. Oh, I have grown fond of it.

So go ahead. Make you sound. Hey guys, it's me, Van Helsing. You gotta warn us about that sound, man. I asked the Philo too, but he didn't do it. What do you need? Did you hear our conversation? Yes, you're talking about how to kill, kill Dracula.

Yeah, capital K, kill, you know, lasting kill. Is the regeneration thing new? Do you know? Yes, that was sort of the blessing and the curse of on. Was the regeneration, one of his powers. That was something I had to deal with. If you stake him right in the heart with a piece of wood, that is usually enough to destroy the body outright. Fire can also do it, but good luck getting him to stand still long enough to burn.

I had a lot of trouble with that. Sunlight also can neutralize the effect, but there hasn't been sunlight in on gray for many years. You can't cross running water. The garlic thing, I never quite, it's hard to test that one, isn't it?

What about the rice thing, man? When you throw the rice down, they got to count the rice. We tested that? No, that's not Dracula's. That's actually mummies. Oh, okay, man. Yes, which is weird.

Salt? Salt? It's good in moderation. But as a physician, I must warn you that high sodium can actually be quite deleterious to us. Sorry, when you say like steak him in the heart

and the, you know, the sunlight and the garlic and stuff, does that stop him from regenerating or is that just like obliterating him for now and he'll come back? A little of column A, little of column B. Sunlight can stop to regeneration. But I... Abe? Hold on one second.

Can I jump in here for... Oh, hello's. if we killed On, have we not prevented the regenerations? Huh. If the power to regenerate came from On and we

killed on the god. Remember the god we snuffed? Oh yes. I'm still enjoying that's for level. Killing Dracula now will be a permanent killing of Dracula now.

I mean, that's the hope, man. but like, there's a lot of Dracula's out there. Run it by Abe. Run it by Abe. Abe. Yes, I can hear it when you speak. I'm inside you. It's possible.

I also think that there's every chance that by binding on with Scalibur in the first place, Dracula cut off his attachment to that power. So I think we can assume that the fact that Dracula still has power can turn into a bat and all that stuff even after he betrayed on and pierced him with the holy blade that any hopes for a

weakening of him by that power that he bound is perhaps a bit foolhardy but I do not underestimate this enemy I assure you he would not allow himself to be weakened so here's the thing man

all this is coming back to the information that I know we've got Wait, wait, wait. Just to raise the question, are we sure we can trust this Van Helsing? Yeah, man, it's Van Helsing. Yes, but how do we know this is the real Van Helsing? How do we know that the things he's telling us about Dracula aren't the exact opposite? Why would he do that?

Why wouldn't he do that? Oh, shit. Okay, Van Helsing, tell me something only Van Helsing would know. Very good. I mean, I could say a bunch of doctors. What's your middle name? Van. How?

Yeah, I can't fold of it. No, my name is Abraham Helzing. And Van is my middle name. It's just people assumed and I was too polite and uncomfortable to correct. Were your parents big fan Wilder fans? They were huge fan of Wilder fans. Okay, yes. That's him.

They drive a mini-van. Can I come back now? Wait, hold on. So the only piece of information we got, right, is, that Frankenstein, Dr. Frankenstein, knows a lot about Dracula at this point, right? That, I suppose,

is to be assumed, if he lives in this castle with him, yes. So if we find Frankenstein and get the information from him, however we can. I do not know how cooperative the doctor would be, but yes, I suppose if there were

a secret, he would be the one to know. Right now, we don't have any decisions to make, because we can't see anything. That's true. Let's go fuck around. And find out. Let's fuck around and find out. Oh yes. Good luck. Whoop.

Shouldn't we let Van Helsing pilot? I mean, I'll just say he's already getting more screen time than I am. Well, he just knows everything. It seems like every time Van Helsing says something to us about Dracula, I feel like, yes, I can absolutely trust this as accurate. You like him. You like him better than me. Now, hold on. You know, wait a minute, you do. You like him better than me.

Now, hold on. How is Fahlo ever going to get better if we don't let Van Helsing let him drive for a little bit? That's true. And plus, only, oh. I also, I need to recharge. I can only, I do this for a little bit and I get so tired. So I have a bit of a room. Yeah, me too, bud.

I got to cool down. See, him saying that, it feels to me like, that's true. That's very true. it seems like just he's saying it. I can really buy it. I don't want to be in this shit tunnel anymore. I don't want to like here. All right.

This sucks. You all. We know that you'd rather be in the shit tunnel with Abraham Van Hilton. Hey, Philo. Fylo. What? I think Van Hels is kind of a pompous ass when it comes to monster killers and he does it for glory and I do it for purpose.

So don't you worry, man. Even though you're religious, I don't hold that against you. And you're the interim. Derbo-Garinal, he ain't. And who knows, you might pay off. Maybe we'll run into some pub trivia or something. Yeah, man. Sure, fine.

Let's go. Van Helsing doesn't know sports. That's true. Yes, I am the only fantasy bootfall player on the team. All right. People say not to judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree. Which is why here on just a zoo of us, we judge them by so much more. We rate animals out of 10 in the categories of effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics,

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A long-running podcast On the Maximum Fun Network Where we watch a bad movie And then talk about it And because we're so long-running Maybe you haven't given us a chance I get it But you don't actually have to know

Anything about previous episodes To enjoy us And I promise you that If you find our voices irritating We grow endearing over time Perhaps you listen to one of our old episodes And decided that we were dumb and immature Well we've been doing this a while now

we have become smarter and more mature and generally nicer to Dan. But we are only human, so no promises. Find the flop house on maximum fun.org or wherever you get podcasts. You all then proceed up the spiral staircase and reach a door leading deeper into the castle

at the top of this staircase. There is a narrow sort of window through the door, through which you can see into the room beyond. It is a sort of kitchenette slash dining room area, very small, very modest, and you don't see any signs of movement sort of through this narrow window, but this room does not seem to be occupied. How many table settings are there? There's like a dozen.

Table settings. Unused, used. I mean, okay, give me a perception check if you're trying to scoop this room out before you hit it. Quick check to see if I can detect food scraps on plates. It's a crit fail for much, which we don't usually get on the perception. Got a six. What about you, Philo? Falo can beat that. Falo got a seven.

Well, the seven is actually going to be... How is my eight with a critical fail? My eight is the highest of the three. The three of us are just like taking dishes back out of the sink. Like, these look fine. I don't know. I'm smelling them. They're clean.

I don't know. I don't know. With those very bad rolls, you are not able to glean a ton from this side of the door. You do see some table settings. I will say with that perception check, you smell sort of rotten, rotten food. This is not. This wasn't used for lunch today. Okay.

I go in and start looting the table for anything that looks valuable. Okay. A very lady Godwin thing to do. Got like stuff like weapons, you know what I mean? Okay. It's just silverware? The staff doesn't pay for themselves, guys. I gotta get a little dough rate me somehow.

Hey, Griffin, how many mortar and pestle and like little scales are there that I can shove in my bag and perhaps sell later? Nothing like that. What you see on this table is some dishes and flatware in a state of disrepair. You assume it's not silver. Looking around, you sort of get a clear picture of the fact that this was sort of the staff dining room and not perhaps Dracula's dining room. This is not a huge fancy space. The flatware around here has fairly rusted and you see there's a few plates still covered by like closions. but those that are exposed, the food here is quite foul. If you would like to loot the cutlery and the dishes. Yeah, it's a little late in the game.

Too loud. Okay. I would, I wanted to use an investigation check to look at the name placards. You said there were. I did not say there were, I didn't say there were name. You said there were place markers. I said there were table settings.

People, you know. Okay, so there are no names. Clock. How many doors are there out of the room? Not counting the one we just came in? Yeah, so there's one on the northern wall, one on the western wall. And there's also a window on the south end of the room overlooking sort of the castle wall outside, the wall walk, wrapping around. wrapping around the building through it,

you can see sort of the jagged battlements on that wall. I will add that to your field position here. I would like to take a listen at the west wall, the west door. The western door, okay. If I see what I can hear from beyond it. Okay. You begin to walk towards the western door.

As you reach sort of around the tip, table, you did not notice because of your really bad perception checks. A couple of the pieces of flatware rattle as you move past. They begin to move quite quickly as you approach the top end of the table here. And you see it almost like they're trying to stand up on end, different forks and knives and plates. You see a cup that has been knocked over, try to write itself. They are moving very, very slowly and clumsily. And then at the center of the table, you see a spatula finally managed to climb up from the tabletop.

And it does a couple hops in your direction, mut. And then you hear its beak or perhaps sing. And it says, eat our food. Eat our food. It's so tasty and it's good It's got vitamins and minerals You must believe me, dude Mutte kneels down

We've got snacks We've got pies We're all super yummy guys It's delicious and nutritious Don't believe It's delicious eat the dish Sorry man

Did you say eat the dishes? Go in You gotta finish I have to finish We've got meat This is still in the room we're in man I don't know what you're talking about We got meats

You're allergic Themster breaks To refuse this little offer Would be rude Make eating us a habit Or you will get stabbed Eat our food Eat our food

Eat our food Hey, Godwin and Filo. I'm no expert, but I'm pretty sure if we don't eat the food that's here on the table, we're going to get stabbed. Bonjour. Bonjour and welcome to the greatest meal of your life. Please have a seat. Is the door still close? What's that?

This is all in the dining room still where we are. Yeah, you're all still definitely in the diner. Okay. Please, have a yummy time. Time to eat the food. I'm sorry, could we have some fresh food? This food looks as though it's gone off. As you say that, you see a steak knife at the far end of the table,

rattle and then stand to attention quite quickly. I mean, you remember the part about the song, about being rude? Yeah, no, we'll, yeah, yeah, this dude's great. What do I, what do I see right now? How much, like, living silverware am I looking at? I mean, a lot of stuff on this table is moving. Right now, the only things that have managed to climb to their feet is this spatula who sang and one steak knife on the end of the table. Okay, I, I rushed to the edge and flip the table.

Oh, wow. Okay. Kick ass. give me a give me a strength check hey Griffin can I do a contested role against

Justin for mutt to grab a plate before the table flips a plate of food yeah yeah sure let's see how the strength check let's see how the strength check goes first and then we'll see what the response is going to be

who boy that's pretty good uh okay with a 17 uh you manage to, you start to flip the table over. There are some chairs, some heavy chairs on the other side that kind of catch it. However, as you do that, most of the stuff that is on the table just begins to slide off the end. If you want to try and grab a plate before it crashes to the floor, mutt, you are more than one. Yeah, I want to try to grab one of the ones with the close still on it.

Give me a slight of hand check, please. We're looking for a ten or above. Well, that's a crit, Griffin. Oh, Dave. Whoa. All right. Yeah. You know what?

You grab a couple. You manage to grab a couple of plates before they fall to the ground. The, I need everyone right now to give me a perception check, please. Could I do investigation? That's a 12, 11. 8. 12. Okay.

Philo. Here it is. 13. Okay. Mutt and Philo. You hear from the battlement wall outside, this walkway that wraps around the castle, you hear heavy metallic clunking coming from that direction, and you hear it in a pattern that suggests footsteps.

Godwin, you see the spatula kind of right itself. He says, what the hell, man? All you had to do is eat the food. why did you do that? The steak knife begins to hop around the edge of the table towards mud. I sit down on the ground and sit down one plate and open the close of one plate. You open the close of one plate and give me a D4 roll. Let's see which one you got.

That's this weird little, it's like a triangle with a bunch of squares on the bottom. It's a four. Okay, cool. You open up the cloche, and you are greeted by a wave of bad, stinky smell that is quite unpleasant. When you look down, you see a plate that at one point probably contained a delectable serving of steak tartar. However, this was many moons ago, and the meat here has dried up considerably. And now is just sort of formed this, this, uh, wrinkly, rinkly tapestry of jerky, uh, across the plate.

I'm going to do a stealth check to pretend to eat. Uh, okay. Uh, give me, well, this would be a slight of hand check. Okay. You're not hiding from the steak. Uh, does it 21? Hell yeah. All right, 21.

You managed to, can I keep smashing plates while he's doing whatever he's doing? Yeah, let's resolve this first. No, Griffin, let's not, because I flipped the table and then he did all this business. I need to be still smashing place when it's happening. I have a direction I'm heading. Okay. You can't rein me in like this. First, before we do that, I want to know how you are sneaking this old trick.

I've got my head turned sideways. Yeah, and I'm bringing the fork up and pretending like it's going in my mouth, but I'm going behind my face, going, Oh, yum, yum, yummy. You missed one

over here. There's one over here. Okay, when that happens, the steak knife hops around you,

mut, not worrying about a thing and making its way towards Godwin. Godwin, I know

you're going to continue smashing the table. Philo, what are you doing while this is happening?

Um, I want to grab the spatula. Uh, okay. You are going to need to give me a,

uh, he's not move them very fast. I will say just a dexterity check. We'll get you towards the spatula. Okay, so how come when Godwin grabbed plates, it was slight of hand? Yes, this is just to get up on the table and grab him. Okay, yeah. And that would be another 13. That's fine. 13. 13 definitely does it. It's a slow spatula. You managed to jump up onto the table as Godwin is sort of smashing all the things off of it and grab hold of the spatula. Don't use me

Don't use me a spatula It sucks Please Don't use it as a spatula What do you want? Nothing I just You grab me

Yeah Yeah I was I was going to Hopefully communicate with you But you know Whatever And he sticks the spatula

In his belt Okay As you do that Another steak knife Pops up to attention on the table and is going to take a swipe at you. That is a 12 versus AC. My armor class is 12.

Okay, that is a hit. It jabs into your shoulder sticking into the wood there slightly. You take three points of piercing damage from this knife as it stabs you. Done and done. Godwin. Yes. You're just continuing to go beast mode on this table? I'll grab a plate and take a look at him for a second before I smash him.

What's his deal? Like grab a plate of food or grab a plate that's just sort of skip it around? Yeah, grab one of the living plates. Be like, what's their story? Okay. I'm not trying to smash the living stuff. I'm just trying to figure what's going on. The only way you know how.

The only way Godwin knows how. Right. You pick up the plate. It's a plate. There's no face or anything on it. Give me an insight check as you try to read the demeanor of this moving dinner plate. 14. Okay.

As you reach down to pick up this plate, it rattles on the table. You can tell that it is moving. It is alive. But you also can tell it is rattling because that heavy metal stomping sound is getting closer. As you pick up the plate, you hear it say, it is coming from the walkway out. Outside the window on the southern wall. You hear this plate say, oh God, oh God, he's coming.

He's coming. Everyone's coming. Chill. The plates and silverware fall down. Deactivated as the stomping gets louder. I will hide under the table. Yeah, Matt's going to do that too. Philo?

Yeah, under the table we go. All right, we're going to take a group stealth check here, please. 13. 13. Okay. You all had the help of this table, which is great. Managed to get under there with all of these now inert plates and knives and forks and one spatula. Through the window, the light of the moon vanishes.

And you see a... a figure take shape outside. It is enormous. It is a hulking, humanoid beast wearing thick, rusted iron armor. Through the cracks in that armor, you can see that its form is undulating and just leaking blood from the cracks.

Cool. Inside, you can hear pained, deep breathing coming from within this armor. This figure comes, peers in the room, looks around, sees some of the dishes on the floor. It stays there, looks around for a while, and then walks back out of view from the window. The spatula says, That was a close one. Hey, man, who was that? I don't think I should tell you

he's sort of security here and I feel like maybe you guys are here to do some bad stuff You don't know that man I am so sorry I misinterpreted your attention intentions I thought we were in peril

and I overreacted and I want to apologize for that I think if you look I intentionally didn't smash anything with a face I guess we've both learned something about making snap judgments today You see a teacup That is hopping around a broken teapot saying

Mama Mama get up mama She was broken before Mama get up you were broke Shardie Craftsman Oh look on the bottom Made in Made in

The I'm trying to pick a bad country What bad country is bad No don't worry about it You know, the bad one. Off grave. Latvia. Which is the Dr. Doom one? That's a good one.

Latavia. Latavia. No? No. Maybe. Listen, you all should probably go. Like, if we get broken, we can just inhabit something else. But if you guys get broken, that's probably, well, wait, holy shit, we'll abuse a puppet.

That's crazy. Yeah, man. So do you? Patschie, you're very observant. Very observant. Thanks. Can you take me out of your belt, please? No.

No, I think I'm going to hang on to you. You can't do that, man. That's like a living guy. It's a spatula. It's a talking spatula. It's actually got a point. I'm not alive by the traditional definition. Were you a guy at some point?

No, this isn't one of those. Oh, okay. No, I'm going to hang on to you. dispatchy. I wish you wouldn't. I know. I know. I know. I know. I tell you what. I'll tell you what. Tell us about the big, clanking, bloody creature,

and I'll put you back on the table. You have my word as a man of the cloth. That's a blackmailer. Okay. That's Renfield. He used to be sort of Dracula's number one guy. and then he sort of, when Frankenstein kind of moved in, he sort of became Dracula's number one test subject,

and so he's had a few different experiments done. He used to be chill. He would come in here and we'd like shoot the shit or whatever. But now he's that, and he just is sort of a sentry for the castle, and he's like immortal and invincible. Yes. 100% invincible or sort of basically invincible? Man, you're asking a spatula.

Okay, well, you can't have it both ways. Either you're a belt adornment or you're a sentient being. You need to pick a laid. Spatula, is it one of those things where it's like, invincible in the truest sense of the word where he can't be beaten him fight or invincible, like invulnerable and he can't be hurt? Um, he, uh, says, some thieves broke in to the castle a few months ago.

And he gestures over to the wall, the northern wall by the door where you just see three just enormous blood splatters. And he says, that was them. Okay. And it didn't seem like they really got a hit off. So I'm just an ordinary southern spatula, but. I understand. You don't know the ways. I understand.

Oh, Spatchy, I'm going to honor my word and put you back down on the table. Thanks. Is there any particular place on the table where you'd like to be? No, it's all fine. It's all fine with me, man. I'm a spatula, so I'm not going to... I'll put you right here next to the plate that looks like you could hold flapjacks, if there were flapjacks.

Oh, that's actually my ex-girlfriend. So if you could put me somewhere else. Okay, I'll put you down here next to the gravy boat. Oh, no. Do you have any romantic? No, that's the gravy boat. Oh, do I have a romantic history with the gravy boat? The soupterine?

A soup tureen? Are you cool with the soup tureen? Yeah, actually, soup teree's pretty cool. Hey, Spatsy, we're looking at a west door and a north door. Can you tell us what's through those doors? Do you know? No, I don't have eyes, so I can't see. Now, hold on.

What? You've pointed out a lot of stuff. He was a puppet, Renfield, through Bloods Letters. You could see. Did you like my song? Oh, my God. I made it myself. I guess I'll put you back over there next to the gravy.

Okay, fine. The north door, there's always music coming from in there. And in the west door, I don't know. Anytime they open it up, it's like super bright. A good spatula. You're a good utensil. Thanks. I'm so tired.

What do you think of Godwin? Bright room or music room? Oh, a bit of music sounds nice. Okay. You all make your way to the northern door. As you go to open it, it... Hey, just to be clear, which door did the beasts go out of? The beast was outside.

Okay, right, right, yes, I keep forgetting it's south. He didn't know. Okay. As you go to open the northern door, you can only kind of get it to open a crack before it hits something big and heavy on the other side. that that seems to be blocking its further progress. Through that little narrow crack, you can see a much fancier room than the one you are currently in. There's sort of, you know, I'll reveal a little bit of it to you.

Through that narrow crack, you can see what looked like some long shelves filled with just these reams of paper. you can see a piano that is positioned in front of a grand fireplace. What is on the other end of the door, you can't quite tell because it has sort of pinned it somewhat shut, but that is what you can see through the crack. Is the gap big enough for Philo to go through? No, it's like a half inch. Can we open it? Is there something holding the door from opening all the way, or are we just peeking?

There's something holding it from opening all the way on the other side. Oh, I'll push harder. Okay, give me a string check. 11. You push and push, and the door starts to budge a little bit, and then there is a sickening. Oh, shit. Okay, I stop. I stop.

If it's sickening, I'm stopping. I stopped. You fucking weirdo. Whatever you did back there, Griffin. Jeez, man. That noise? What is that weird? What?

The noise I mean? No, whatever you've got. behind there, man. It's groaning now? I've got the wig and something. Sorry, it groaned as if something scratching across a stone floor. There's not like a big monster holding the door back there. Okay, and I'm like crushing. It felt like somebody was stuck behind it and I was crushing them. Jesus Christ, no, that's where you're- You made the noise, man. And the noise and you said it was sickening. So yes, I was sickened. Okay. You hear footsteps outside again as you start. to try to force this door open.

Back to the table. I'm back to the table. Okay. Yep, back to the table. Everybody back to the table. Back to the table. Let's regroup. Group stealth check. So bright room, you think? Wait, we got to do group still check first. We got to see how well we get under the table. That's my fourth 13 in a row.

Yeah, that's weird, man. That's not good. Stay off the roads today, pal. That was a 17 from Godwin? Yes. Okay, then again, 13 takes it. You all get under the table. This time Renfield stomps around outside. It's really looking very intently in the room, but eventually he does take a step away and walk out of sight.

Oh, well, I'm under the table in dreaming of the bright room. Yes, let's see the bright room, man. That'll be nice. Okay, you all head towards the western door and find it. Uh, unjammed. Oh, you all. It would be weird for our adventure to end here because we couldn't open the doors.

You all, uh, open the door and see a ballroom. Uh, this ballroom is, uh, has, has a fine wooden floor. Uh, and... I want to jump in the balls to swim around. Not, uh, sorry. Oh my gosh. This is embarrassing. Oh, my gosh.

This is, this is embarrassing for you. It's not that kind of ballroom. It's like a dancing ballroom. You all need to make a wisdom saving throw immediately. That's a crit. Holy shit, yes. Wow, great job. I just got smarter.

Way to go, buddy. You just yoded your way right the hell out of that time. I began to hover. Oh my God, I'm so wise too. Look at me. 18. How wise you are. Yeah.

Mine's a one. Mine's a one. Dad. It is. Dad, Mac. It's a one. It can't be, Mac. That's a series wrap on Philo.

Two minus one. You've done this with the dice. Oh, okay, but it wasn't a crap fail. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait. I have something. Yes, you do. That I can roll again if I have a one. Do you remember what that thing is?

Yes, it was the luck. The luck thing that I got from Van Helsing. You hear Van Helsing's voice. voice ring out in your mind. Steal yourself, Philo. You're going to see some creepy stuff in here. You can do this. You may roll again. Okay. Yeah. Take the second result. Five. Never mind. It is better. You step foot into the ballroom. On Grave is a scary place filled with scary things, but there's one constant you've been able to count on so far. there's no such thing as ghosts.

And yet here in this modest wood-floored ballroom, a half-dozen specters are floating in pairs, ballroom dancing, rotating around each other, just prancing across the floor with grace and ease. Philo, you are immediately frightened. With my crit, Griffin, can I ask, as the little bonus reward for getting I would like to hold Philo's hands

Just as a treat As a special treat Well when you get it create Griffin I don't know if you know this I know this is your first time DMing You get a little treat It says that in the last guy Jack said you get a little treat

When you do You get a little treat And I would like to hold Philo's hand please Okay Let's do it in narrative I got you I got you I got you got you

I got you get me that little wooden mall Yours come here his maw? You're grabbing his mouth? I think you mean Paul. Oh, yeah, man. Give me that little paw yours. I got you, bud.

I got you, bud. Hold my hand, man. You're safe. You're safe. You're safe. Okay. I will say as long as you're holding his hand, you can ignore the frightened condition

that you can't willingly move closer to the source of your fear. However, you do have disadvantage on ability checks and attack rolls while the source of your fear is within line of sight. you all see six ghosts dancing around each other just sort of spinning around in the center of this room

you see a door to the north a couple more windows to the south overlooking the battlements outside that is what you see at first blush as you walk into this room Griffin does my lantern reveal anything invisible hmm

give Let me think. This kind of, let me think. This is kind of a stretch. I think if you wanted to try and do a check to like see if you can learn more about these ghosts, I would give you advantage on it with your lantern. Okay, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do that. So, investigation? Yes, or if you wanted to do Arcana.

I would say either one of those would be. They have the same number. That's at 14. And. That's a five. So we're going to go with a 14. Um, okay. With a 14, uh, nothing sort of invisible reveals itself, uh, to you. Uh, I will say that the light of the, uh, lantern is glinting off of the chandelier that is hanging from the ceiling. You see, it's sort of just like right at the center of the room, uh, a good 10 feet up, uh, just sort of spinning around as the specter.

revolve. I'll also say with that role you also notice the lantern glints off of the wall on the opposite end of the room and there's one section of it, one sort of square panel of it that it seems to be a bit duller than the, or perhaps more dull

than the rest of the wall. A panel that doesn't look quite like the other ones. Hmm. And the story that goes there between and us? Dancing around in a big circle.

Huh. Dancing around a big circle. Um, may I make a suggestion? Yeah, go for a little dude. Why don't we join the dance? Well, I can.

I recognize the steps, of course. This is rather basic, but what about the two of you? Oh, I took a trillion, man. Is that so? Yeah, man. But then why don't the two of you join the dance until you can get into position near that panel? And I'll stand here quaking in fear and trying to come to...

Well, you hang on my back. How about you hang on my back, man? And then I'll... I don't think he wants to do that. Oh, no, I actually do. I do. Oh, great. I'll climb on his back and you two dance until we get over there near the panel.

Is that our... Yes, that's great. Go away, may I have this dance? Ha, ha, right away. Amazing. You all wait. You all wait. Oh, wait.

Mutt. May I lead? Oh, sure. Yeah, man. You all wait for your window as the specters move and dance around. And I'm going to need a performance check from both of you. Well, yes. But with advantage, because Mutt did take it to you.

Um, no. I got a 12. Okay. Dignify of a fancy 12. You all step onto the dance floor. I got a five. And for, uh, for a few beats, you immediately synchronize with these, uh, with these, these spirits floating in the air, um, mimicking their moves. You're just trying to make it to the other end of the room, right?

Uh, yes. Okay. You all are doing incredibly well with Philo on Muts back or Godwin's back? Muts back. Okay. That way he's still in contact with me and able to move closer to them. Awesome. You all nearly make it to the other end of the room when you step on a wooden board that snaps beneath your weight, mutt.

and in the time that it takes you to sort of pull yourselves out of it and sort of hug that western wall, one of the couple of specters runs right into you. But, and by as a result also, Philo, you both take eight points of radiant damage. You just feel your skin just sort of sizzle as these ghosts. pass through you burning you. Godwin, you take four points as you just kind of get nicked by them as they pass by.

However, you are able all to make it to the other end of the room. And the specters continue their circular dance with no sort of paying no heed to you. Philo's going to do an investigation check on the panel.

Smart. Smart. That's better than the plan I was about to do. For sure. Can I guess? Smashing? You may do that. You will have disadvantage on this ability check as you are still within line of sight of the thing that is scaring you. I think we often investigate, right? Sure.

Well, 14. 13. Another 13. I got 10. Okay. No, I mean, 13 is sufficient. You've already noticed this panel. I think with your tiny, nimble, wooden fingers, you are able to pop it open.

And inside, you see a small recess with a dial on it, a circular dial. You can see that there's an arrow on this dial pointing to one notch and several notches down the dial you see a setting that says idle. Is there music they're dancing to? There is not music that they are dancing to. Idle like I-D-L-E? Yes, sorry, yes, not ID-O-L-L-L-E. they're not going to fucking Kelly Clarkson's not going to appear if you.

Wish. At least Justin. I turn it to idle. Okay. You begin to turn the dial. As you click through the notches, the scene in here changes instantly, like the changing of a television. channel. You see these six ghosts disappear suddenly. And then you see the chandelier above you glow with an even brighter amber light that somewhat starts to sear the room, but you click out of it

fast enough for not to do much damage. You see, on one notch, you see it. You see it, the chandelier appear to sprout one giant eyeball that hangs from it. You do you, does this change as the room changes, I guess, these are several settings that you are switching between. Are you just trying to like get to idle as quick as you possibly can? Or are you checking these things out as the room is kind of changing? I mean, there's a certain curiosity. Okay.

Especially I think once the ghosts go away on the first click. Yeah. then it's like, oh, okay. And I think then it's not like I'm going to sit in here for five minutes on each setting, but I think there's definitely an element of, well, what's this now? As you stop to investigate on the notch right next to changing this setting to idle, you see the chandeliers, amber light flash once more, and then a single figure appears right here in the middle of the ballroom.

it is a man he is flickering somewhat as it appears that the light above is creating him is projecting him somehow and this figure looks at the three of you and smiles and that's when you realize that you recognize him and this figure says, Hello, welcome to the city of Lumino. My name is Robert Halloween. Maximum Fun. A work-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.