The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 24

Episode Date: June 27, 2024

The monster hunters make an important discovery that holds the key to Dracula's entire deal. Mutt makes use of his mandolin proficiency. Phileaux creates a lil guy. Godwin gets nosey. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear diary, today is the day. The machine is ready and frankly quite terrifying to behold. This sun has been swallowed up from the sky, turning on grave into something of a Draculae paradise. A shame that I will not be around to enjoy it. I will miss the pleasures of this corporeal world. But I know my aria awaits me on the other side. My fate rests in Victor's hands now and in the keen, synchronized minds of luminos inhabitants.

My children of the night, music they make. Oh, I get it. Because it's like a reference. It's a, yeah, it's a reference to Dracula. Other Dracula. Yeah, what other Dracula's have said about it. Say something about how you don't drink wine. I do not drink wine.

What's that for? Now, which one is that? Because Dracula says that in the Stephen Deeds one, and Harker's like, oh, you join me. He's like, I do not drink wine. At which way, Harker should be like, what the fuck does that mean? What the fuck do you mean, dude? What a weird thing to say. That's what he says, I drink grape juice too.

Yeah. He's like, the way you fucking said that, man, do you mean, do you drink? I'm gonna go. Count Miculus is. Can I just say we should all take turns doing a season as Dracula? Because I feel like I've really grown as a, as a Dracula impersonator. You know what I had completely forgotten about? What?

That we used to do Count Dracula gameplay counselor. Do you remember when you would play like Spalunky or Thousand Spikes and you'd call into the gameplay helpline? And I as Dracula would try to get into this. Okay. Well then Justin gets a pass for his Dracula. I feel like Dad and I haven't got a chance to stretch our Dracula wings. We haven't. No, uh-uh. Let's do it.

They're just bad. I mean, they're just bad way. Okay, so. At our next live show, I will be Dracula. Oh. That's portrayed by Rob Zombie. Fantastic. That's a car.

Pretty sure. Oh, that's right. It is. Yeah, he plays the car, too. The three of you. Who else would play a fucking Michael J. Fox? Who else would play the car? It's Rob Zombie plays Dracula.

The three of you are in the car. the music room. A very chaotic place with half-finished sheet music scattered all about. In the distance, you can still hear the sound of Renfield shrieking as he has pinned down by the radiant light that you trapped him within. You were turning this room over and on the piano on the music stand, And you all found what appears to be a grocery list written by a somewhat unwell person, including items like spaghetti sauce, peanut butter, and apparently cabbage five times. It does leave one wondering what meal he was planning. Was it just an essentials list?

Or was it like, I've got a big meal coming out. I mean, shilly. Roughage. Chili for sure. But then maybe some sort of like, I don't know. I don't know, Thai peanut sauce dish. I don't know. But I question, I feel like if Dracula's going to the grocery store,

that's got to be quite a production. Yeah. He's not zipping down to the IG route too a little bit. Like, it's going to be a whole thing. I assume he's stocking up for at least the way. Maybe it gets delivery, you know? No way, with Stranglemire? It's like, it's like when, remember when we had to shop during COVID and there were like

super wild early morning hours? During what? I just show it. Yeah, so you're like thinking like, well, I'm not going to come to the store again. I don't, not a big Fusili pasta fan, but I don't want to need Fusili. You know what? I'm going to get the Fisili. Yeah.

I'm going to get it. You guys are being Fusili right now. In the distance, you actually see the lights flicker in this room. And you hear Renfield stop shrieking and take the, you know, take the, you. deep panting breaths that almost reverberate through the walls. What do you do? Must it sounded the piano? Okay. Does Mutt know how to play the piano?

You know, we asked if Mut had any musical expertise, but I don't think that was established. So, mutt has proficiency in the lute. Yeah, okay, that's fine. So there's some musical ability as far as like matching notes, right? I've never played the piano, but I'm going to start looking at. for a C. Okay. Give me a performance check.

Wait, wait, wait. Wait, why C? Well, for cabbage, my dude. Cabbage, the note C-A-B-B-A-G-E. I thought the first thing started with a B. B. B. A bunch of bananas? Yeah, but cabbage is the... What do we hear? Is somebody playing a piano right now? Yeah, I got a little piano on my phone.

Oh, that's good. Then we won't have to do the... I can play whatever notes you want, Trave. You name a note, I can play it, no problem. Give me a performance check with advantage. I will say that your knowledge of loot is... That is the only one of... That is the only glissando? I got a 13, Griffin.

Okay, yeah, with the 13, I think after sort of noodling around a bit, you're able to deduce where the C is. Middle, middle C. Okay, I'm going to play C, A, B, A, G. I'm trying to tell if Justin can do this on his, on piano fart.biz app or whatever he's using. I mean, quiet. Listen, I'm doing it. I'm doing it. Just shut up. Hey, wait, wait, hold on. Before I do this part,

yeah, Elm? Two bees and cabbage, or where are we at? Yeah, man. One G. I didn't know how it was spelled on the sheet. Yeah. Okay. When you play those notes, the fucking secret door behind the fireplace closes. It didn't know. The fireplace goes dim immediately. the flames sink down. You have to stop now. The flames sink down.

I actually think this is a vibe for the future of Taz. Like if you had like a little gold bloom on the side just giving you a little bit of extra light. Our own Paul Schaefer, you know what I mean? Yeah, great jokes. I won't even do the jokes anymore. But it sounds like Paul Schaefer playing the world's smallest piano in an adjacent room. Yeah, it's Paul Schaefer playing Schroeder's piano.

Yeah. It's Paul Schroeder. Yeah, it's good. I'm getting there. Yeah, you're getting there. This is something, guys. We should do a jazz art. The flames extinguish.

It's about the roles you don't make. The back stuff. We got to tighten. We have to do Dudges and Dragons. We're tightening it up. Come on. Tighten up. The flames extinguish.

The back wall of the stone hearth slides upwards, revealing a secret entrance into the room beyond. From behind you, you hear in the adjacent room, the bed chamber, you heard Count Dracula say, I haven't seen them, Renfield,

I think they jumped out the window and they flew like birds. They jumped on the back of a big owl and flew away. So problem solved. And Renfield is stomping about. What do you do? The flames are out, right?

Flames are out, walls open. Let's go. Let's go. over there. Okay. Can we bring the piano with us? You can certainly try.

What a wild fucking question. Okay. You all pass through this secret entrance and... No, hold on. We need to resolve if we can put this grand piano. Oh, you're right, you're right. You're right. Yeah, sure.

I mean, if you want to make a strength check to see if you can pick up a piano... Let me tell you why. I'm thinking we could shut the wall behind us. Hmm. Cool. Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute. And I noticed something.

I brushed against the key as we were headed this way, and it seemed that the door was closing. Maybe if we chucked something at it from here, it'll close. Oh, good, good, good, good, yes, yes. Let's turn the piano. No, no, no, no, here I have just the thing. And I'll send my hand out. Oh, cool. Okay.

So you all pass through this secret entrance into the room beyond, just a very sort of small, somewhat cozy chamber. There's some furniture in here that I will describe after we do this. I think you definitely hear you hear Count Dracula in the distance sweater Dracula

go, oh! And Renfield begins stomping in the direction of the doors to the music room. I want to give some instructions. Yeah, sure, sure, sure. Okay. Listen, you're going to be

very good for Mommy. First, go pound on some notes. And then you stay away from the bad man, keep him really riled up. But don't let him catch you, okay? Okay. I just blew her off my hand.

I blew it off my hand. Okay. It jumps down and scrambles through the secret entrance. You see it climb over the piano and jump down. You hear a discordant bong come from the piano. Oh, I thought for sure we were going to get a little bit of fart piano. on that, but that's okay. You told us to tighten up.

You're right. You know, I didn't mean the incredible folly work you were to. You said tighten up. The back wall of the stone fireplace slides shut. And you see the doors into the bedchambers smash open just as this wall closes. I would like a distraction check on you. You don't even, I wouldn't know how it shakes out, but I would like you to roll to see how well, my hand is able to distract Renfield.

Yeah, sure. Slight of hand. I like that a lot. Why don't you make a slight of hand check, juice? We'll put the dice in your hand, so to speak. See how it goes. Oh, yeah. So I have a plus two in slide of hand.

Okay. So that's a 10 total. The funniest number. I think it is hard for you to tell exactly how well. Your senses do not necessarily extend to your old hand. You might as well not roll. You might as well not roll if you get a tent. You wasted your time.

You might not have rolled. You do hear Renfield stomping around somewhat frantically. So whatever your hand is doing, it seems to be doing a fairly good job. This stone wall of the hearth as it slideshot, I mean, this is a huge, like heavy, thick stone wall. You feel like you are pretty well cut off from the melee happening now in the music. Is there any chance the fire came back on when the wall came down? Yes, the fire also came back on as the wall came back down. So you all are standing in this small ant chamber.

And in here, you take note of a few items immediately. The first and most prominent of which is a huge metal door. It's got like a hand wheel on its front, like the bulkhead door on like a ship. And a small brass plaque underneath a porthole. window that says lab on it. In here, there's also a garment rack upon which hangs dozens of identical capes and vests and shirts and pants with rows of boots underneath. You clock this immediately as the sort of outfit that Dracula has been wearing when you have seen him during your journey. There is also in here a vanity with a mirror, which is a mirror, which is

silly because it's fucking Dracula. I don't know why I said that. The mirror's broken. That's cool. So on this vanity sits a small leather-bound book. What do you all do?

I know what I read the book. Okay. I want Philo to look through the porthole. Okay. Well, do that first. Give me a perception check, please. Are you tall enough?

13. Okay. You peer through the porthole window. What you see is an enormous, cavernous chamber beyond. It is a long stretch. It kind of reminds you of the sanctuary of the parish where you have lived. There is a lot of machinery in gear. In a lot of ways, it actually looks quite similar to the lab of Dr. Frankenstein that he kind of left behind.

There are lots of machines that, whose purpose you can't quite tell from all the way back here. And in the distance, you see a large screen. What is on that screen, you are also having trouble telling, and sitting in front of it, you see the back of a man sitting in an office chair. Is this on the, is this porthole on the east wall? Yes. Okay. who who is so uh lady godwin and mutt you are inspecting the diary uh okay um

i think i think if if lady godwin's gonna take a look at the book as like the rogue light of the party i should check because we've seen like security shit around you're the roguelike on the rogue like they have like the amber light and security camera stuff so i want to just double check to make sure like when we open this or alarms aren't how to go off. And like if I see any like amber light or things through the porthole, that kind of shit. Give me an investigation check, please. Oh, it was on that 20 bounce to an eight.

It's a nine. Ain't that how it goes? With a nine, you don't, I will say like in the door, you don't sense any kind of security. Oh, wait, I get to add a D4. Alarm. Oh, okay. When I do investigation checks. Now, Gervitt, say that sentence again, but three more.

I'm sorry, two more. It's an 11. Two more. Say it two more than that. There's a big difference between nine and 11. That's true. Your third eye fucking opens. And you said, you, you don't sense any sort of, like, alarm trigger on the door itself as to, like, what security measures may be waiting in the room beyond.

You do not see anything. Okay. but the door is, I feel confident, is un, you know. Untrapped, yes. Can I just say I was the first one that said, I want to look at that book. Yeah. And then everybody else did all their dumb garbage. Yeah, before you let me.

I think is the thing. The book takes a man. Now, Travis, you and I agree on that, obviously. But Lady Godwin, she only knew about books. Oh, yeah. Imagine this is like a TV show on the table. You know what I mean? Oh, she's like, so jazz.

Yeah, if there was a TV show on the table and I was like, I'm going to go watch the TV show. You guys would have let me do it first, guaranteed. Everyone would be obsessed. Like, we have to know what's going on. You open up the TV show on the table. It is a weathered leather TV show. It's fucking, was that home improvement? My mind is immediately filled with images because back then people had to do that.

Oh, right. I'm like, I'm watching it my brain. You open up this leather bound book, and as you do, a slip of paper slides out of it and falls back down onto the vanity. It's like a deleted scene. Hold on. I got to get it. As you open up the book to the first page, you start reading, it says, Dear Diary, how come everybody wants to kill Dracula? I mean, the people whose villages I've raised to the ground, whose family trees I've so thoroughly pruned, as you read through it, you realize this is a,

this is a diary, the diary of Count Dracula. There's a few dozen entries in it. I would say this would maybe not be the worst time for you all to take a short rest if you wanted to investigate this further. You no longer hear the rumblings of Rinfeld in the other room, pounding around. So for a moment here, things are quiet. Is this all right?

Do you mean, wait? Morally? Yes, I feel a little weird. I mean, I know it's Dracula. Is one not entitled to their own thoughts? It just feels a little rude. Well, we are here to kill him. Indeed.

We need like info. Yes. Oh, there's something. This wasn't intended for us. There was it. But he left it on the table. Yes, but... I think maybe if it starts talking about who they have a crush on,

maybe we just skip over that part. Fushes should be strictly off limits. Yes. And if it mentions us, we shouldn't read his thoughts about us, because that's like... Well, it says, dear Tyree, just between you and me, et cetera, et cetera, what have you? Tell you what, you...

And I'll toss the book. to mut. You peruse and then some up. Okay. Thank you so much. I would feel so fine about that. Thank you. Okay. And I'll sit on the coffin. And if you have trouble with any of the bigger words. Sorry, is that not a coffin underneath me, or is it a barrel? I'm not zoomed in super tight.

It can be a coffin. There's probably a coffin in here. It's not a fucking Dracula's castle. There's no way that if something happens to that coffin, he's like, well, fuck. No, that's his coffin, Futhon. I'm not sleeping for several ways. weeks. I should make it clear. There's been coffins in every room of this building coffins and candles and jackal lanterns. There's jackal lanterns in every room. They're all lit, which takes a lot of candle rain. I meant you actually terrified. Lady Goddard runs screaming. Yeah, man, hurling herself from the parapet. You can't drop that on me. Every action I'm taken to this point would have been different.

And I know they were super, are there scary skeletons? No. No, that would be gross. Oh, thank God. Are there any of those, like, the Spirit of Halloween motion sensitive, like, things that probably, oh, no. Hate those. Okay, let's take a short rest, and I'm going to read this book real good. Yeah. Go ahead and heal up to your heart's content. You peruse the book, and now, fellas, I'd like to bring your two minds into one beautiful, resonant, harmonious,

single mind as you, your characters in world now gain knowledge of all of the diary entries you have heard throughout this season. Oh, thank God. No longer do we have to suspend ourselves in a torturous vacuum of dramatic irony. You all read this diary. Can I say though, I did specifically, I meant it about mutt because I feel like Travis is the best at condensing ideas down to the important salient things. Yeah. So it must take on the situation, I think, would be helpful to both me and Philo, thinking not being my strong suit as a barbarian.

Sure. I'm just going to roll my healing, because for some reason it's not like fucking doing it. Don't forget, you can roll your hit dice as many times as you want, so long as you have hit dice. I generated another flight potion. Those just goosh out of you at this point. They just come fly it out. So as I understand it, the important details, from what I remember of 24 episodes of listening to you do it,

is that basically Dracula turned his back on his original source of immortality and stuff, which I assumed to be on. Correct. And working with Frankenstein has developed this new experimental source that they tested with like Pinocchio and Van Helsing. Yes. And now... And we think that's the sun, right?

We think that they're harnessing... Sun to power this thing. And when this happens, Dracula plans to leave this corporeal plane. It has something to do with the music that everybody has had piped into their neck bolts and this connection of all these people. And then Dracula is going to move to some higher plane looking for... a new source of immortality and his aria beyond the plains, which I don't know if that's referencing like some kind of spectral music you search you for or a loved one. Is there anything I've missed,

Griffin? If you want to give me an insight check to read how much I, Travis McRoy remember. Travis, what's your personal insight? No, you've got it. Well, Travis is a critical one, but But Mutz, mutts, Mutz is a 19. Oh, sorry, 15 total.

15 total. 15 total. I see 15. Yeah, I clicked history. Oh, you did history. Okay. I think you glean a couple things. One,

the tense in which this journal is written and some of the events that it describes, very recently he writes about Wolfman. And so, like, you get the sense that this journal is somewhat old.

This perspective that Dracula is writing from, it is not recent. This journal was not written in yesterday. This thing has been here for a while. You kind of deduce from perusing it. So you have every suspicion to, you have every reason to believe that this process that he is describing, this final journal entry,

maybe has already happened. Okay. I would like to... Hey, everybody, we were ready to move on because I'm going to try to open this door in a sneaky, sneaky, creepy manner. Do we... Just to double check,

this is written by the... I'm going to call him Vlad. Oh, cool. Okay. Okay. This is written by Vlad, right? Sweater Dracula. Vlad, the inhaler. Main drag, right?

Yes, Sweeterdrak is not main track. He described himself as a sort of chill clone. This was not written by Sweater Dracula. No. Vlad. Stop saying sweater Dracula. It's not. Vlad.

Okay, this was not written by Vlad. This was, you suspect, written by the OG himself. There is also the slip of paper that fell out of the journal when you picked it up. Oh, yeah. say. I read it. Do? Oh, wait.

Can I ask a question about the journal before you read this of a paper? Sure. Did we get a sense? I'm assuming the introductions do not encompass every single word of this diary. Do we get a sense from reading the journal that there is a genuine affection on behalf of Dracula towards Frankenstein? Oh, that's good. Frankenstein. Frankenstein

Fuck, Dad, you beat me too by about a half second. Frankenstein. Sorry, there's lag guys. I said it first. I'll just never get there.

I'll just never get there. That'll always be physically stronger than me and smarter. Why don't you give me an insight check to see how, who me or my character or Clint McElroy or... Well, when I say you don't have a character sheet.

Why don't Griffin, you make an insight check to know if Justin knows it? Oh, that's good. Okay. I got a 17. Yes. There is, he writes about him more fondly, I would say, than any other sort of named person described, right? He writes about the Wolfman a lot, but it's usually in like, we got so fucked up, it's crazy way.

You can tell that there is some affection there. However, it pales in comparison to, like, any description he gives about, you know, his pursuit of immortality. or this aria or anything along those lines. Priorities. Okay. So he's a, he's a, okay. So Dracula was a lot more important to Frankenstein than Frankenstein. I think with a 17 insight check and what you've heard from Vlad and what you've read in this journal,

I think that that is a fair assumption. But it sounds like maybe the inverse of that is now, and haven't we all been here? The inverse of that is. is now true for Frankenstein and Vlad. There is a sad love triangle between a vampire, his clone, and Dr.Nalz. It's more of a love V, because I don't think the two Dracula's love each other.

That's an excellent. I would hope on Trav, hi everybody, it's me, podcaster Justin McRae, if you can't look at a clone yourself and see something that you love. Oh, damn, dude. And I'm a little, I'm a little bit sad for you.

Yeah, it must be tough. Self love. Well, it must be tough because you would also see in them everything you don't like about yourself. You know, the Bible didn't exactly stop with the Gnostic Gospels. Hi, everybody. It's just a matter.

I love to. There's a whole world of Gospels for you to discover. Exciting, exciting, exciting passages. Exciting, edgy Gospels. There's some short ones. There's some very short ones. Yeah, real punchy, straight to it. We've got some, like, four pagers.

Yeah, man. Chuck through it in the afternoon. John 4 is one verse, and it just says, you can pork your clone. No, crap. But don't make it weird. That's the King James version of John 4. You can pour your clone, but don't make it weird. Here's all I'm saying.

If you accept John 375 as gospel, you can stay up past your bedtime whatever you want to. No problem. No problem. God says it. Um, um, Mutt, you pick up this slip of paper that has fallen out of the diary. You open it and you find a weathered. letter. It is somewhat crumpled and wrinkled. It has been passed around many times, you assume. And you pick it up and you read.

Hello, Dracula. It's me, Dracula. The first of our name and our body, I guess, the man you've just met, Dr. Victor Frankenstein, has likely filled you in on the finer points of your existence, but after a few iterations he suggested it would be prudent to hear from yours truly to help you get better acquainted to our unique arrangement. I've provided my diary for you to peruse to get a feel for our whole vibe, but most importantly, I must lay out a few ground rules. You are free to terrorize this realm as you see fit, so long as you do not cross the borders of the city of Lumino. That's my domain. and its citizens are off limits. Under my protection, which I assure you is comprehensive.

You will be hunted, and in all likelihood slain, but put up a good fight, huh? People expect a lot of us, Dracula. They flock to ungraveen's rows, just to bask in the presence of our legend. Show them why they do this. Just don't let anyone cut off part of your body. should get so complicated when that happens.

You will find embedded in your neck to control bolts. Attempting to remove them will result in your instantaneous destruction. I will grant you autonomy so long as I do not require your assistance, at which point I will be taking over for a stretch. Unfair? Sure, but sacrifices must be made in the pursuit of my grand... design. As for the shape of that design, well, it would be impossible to explain to someone who's only been alive for several minutes. Put simply, we have known but one true moment of joy and meaning in our lives before my father, our father, took it away. I aim to undo this great

injustice. Have fun out there with fond regards. You know, I'm going to say, starting to make sense of this one weird passage in there where Dracula wrote about, like, infinite monkeys, typing out a thing, and then he was like, I know where to get monkeys or whatever, and the neck bolts in people and stuff and the control thing and taking over him. So I think he's been using people to solve a thing or do a thing for him on mass, like the monkeys. I want to peruse the diary again to see if I can find specifically any reference to the moment of happiness that is alluded to in this. Okay, give me an insight check looking for a TC 10. How about a 16? Griffin, is that more than 10? And I'm asking with this tone, even though I don't know.

It is six more than 10. Oh, I think you're telling the truth. There is an early entry in which Dracula's father is mentioned. Just one. You peruse it. It describes a day, one midsummer morning. Dracula was studying in his keep as a child, as a boy count, and heard the sound of music wafting into his window.

He followed the music, left the castle, and found a camp of troubadours. And he sounds like he jammed with him all day until his dad found him and had the whole camp impaled. He finishes that entry with that idea is the bedrock of Lumino and why my accomplishments are great and numerous. It is my unrivaled masterwork. All right.

So I'm about to sneakie creep open this door. Before we do, I think shit is probably going to pull. pop off pretty quickly. And so I think we should do a round of like, before we do, I want to, right? And before we do, I just want to tell you, I want to tell you Godwin, reading in this book, there is a passage on the day that Wolfman hit the Noss and exploded your body real good. Oh, my. And he writes about it in a pretty, let's say, a reverent, maybe a reverent,

a disrespectful manner? I want to read that passage so that I can have advantage the next time I attack Dracula. You read that passage. You read specifically the line, we grooved on down to Lumino and well, long story short,

we hit an older lady with the car so hard she exploded. I'm no sense of, no fan of senseless violence, but I must admit that sometimes it is very, very funny. I think that fills you, I think that fills you,

your rage sense inside your body, it floods your sentence Your adrenal gland is ready to fucking party right now. Circling it, and I think it's close, but it's not that he's not allowed to play music. Obviously, there's a piano here. He's Dracula. He could play whenever he wanted to. I think, is it that he just wants to jam?

Is that it? Is he just putting together a jam group, controlling people with bolts to join? in his little polyphonic spree, such as it is. Just wants a band? Is that his goal? I don't know what he's trying to achieve. There's the boats. He was happy when he was jamming.

I think he wants to make a band? I mean, I don't know that that's it, but I don't know that that's not it. You know what I mean? Like, he's a weird dude. He's a weird, right? He's a weird dude. What about you, Philo? I thought I'd want to.

I thought I'd want to kill him less after reading all of his thoughts and feelings. I swear I did. Is there anything in there about he just wants to do a hacky sack too? That would, you know, he's... Let me check the appendix. Hold on. Okay. Nothing in a...

No, it says hackensack. He mentions hackensack 47 times. Yeah, he loves hackensack. But no, no mention a hacky sack at all, man, it's weird. But a band, well, you know, he's... is very arts focused. Very focused on the arts. Yeah.

Oh, my God. He's trying to do. He's trying to assemble the crypt kick of fire. Sorry, what? He wants to do the mash. No. The monster match. No.

Monster mash? It was a graveyard smash. You're telling me you don't remember. God, I mean, I've heard the legends. I've heard the legends, but. The match! No. Oh, my.

It was the monster. Monster match. I am fully ready to hang up on this call and rewrite the rest of this campaign. Like, that's not it, but it's better than what I got, and that makes me so... Hey, this is Mike Cablon. If you wadi, way. And Sierra Cato. The hosts of TV Chef Fantasy League.

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Dad, did you want to do something in here before you? Yeah, there was something you wanted to do that. Go for it, Deb. Yes. I'm going to use an infusion. By the way, Griffin, you didn't ask, but I am both relieved and sad that that is not. That's not the answer. Yeah.

But it was brilliant, Jews. I'm going to use an infusion to create a homunculus servant. Okay. I can't. Just because I don't. I never love the vibe, Mac. I never love the vibe. I know, but I haven't had a chance to use it this whole time.

Okay. And I think I'm going to, you said there were there were jackal anons in the room? Yeah, of course. I'm going to take one of the jackal lanterns. Okay. And, and Wes Craven over here, he's making a jackal lantern live. And I'm going to do an infusion that creates a homunculus out of the jackal lantern.

And since I prefer. its form, it has wings. No! It has Ravens wings. Why would you do this to Justin? I've been driven mad with terror. It's scaring him so bad. That's your son.

And he flies. Okay. It would be decorative. This homunculus pumpkin, jack lantern, is flying now and it is, I'm looking at its stat block. Not great at a lot of stuff, but you do have a little guy now.

And that's pretty cool. And it's like so close corners. It's just rocketing around. Okay, it flits over to you. I'll let it, how about I let it perch on the cross attached to my quarterstaff? Okay. And I'm going to call him cronut. Okay, thank you.

I don't know why. That helps. Dad, that helps. Thank you. That does help quite a bit. Okay, I'm going to try to stealthily. Oh, yeah, yeah. But it's spelled C-R-O-W-N-U-T. Oh, sure.

Okay, great, fun. I'm going to try to stealthily open the door to the lab. Okay, give me a stealth check, please. So you try to sly open this. That's a napt 20. Oh, fucking holy crap. Wow. You, it takes ages.

you slowly spin this hand wheel as you try to pop the seal on this bulkhead door. And at first it seems kind of ridiculous how slowly you're doing this until you get it open and it doesn't make a whisper of a sound. As it opens, you can see at the far end of the chamber beyond

the man sitting in the chair does not seem to have clocked your presence as you all open the door and creep into the room. On a Nat, 20-Grove. Can I also sneak up on him? So the room that you have crept into is quite huge. It is back cave-esque in here.

And so this is a great distance for you to try to clear in a single stealth check. If you want to try to continue your approach here, we could certainly roll for that again. I believe that I do. And I give a motion to them of like you guys stay here, you all stay here. So you don't have to do a group stealth check? Correct. Yeah. Okay, give me another stealth check, please.

And there's a cave within the mountain, correct? There is no mountain. The room is not actually a cave, but it is the size of one. Oh, okay, I said. Okay, here we go. That is another Nat 20. You are fucking kidding me, Travis. I'm not.

I'm the way, baby. That's fucking wild, man. Mud is the shadows. You're a ghost in this room. You begin to creep down the long walkway in this room. As you do, you get kind of a feel for what is going on in here. The room is huge. along the eastern and western wall of the room are these long sort of shining metal shutters

and position just in front of them are two rows of cylindrical 10-foot-tall tanks filled with a dark red bubbling fluid, kind of like blood, if you can believe it. You are able to sort of creep past them and as you reach the end of the room here, you find yourself in front of a huge circular metal platform. It is about 30 feet in diameter. And sitting on the other side of it, sitting at this big computer terminal, you see Dr. Frankenstein. But he has, to this point, still not seen you. Can I see what he's working on? Give me a, give me an investigation check.

That's another Nat 20, Griffin. Travis? What the fuck? This is in D&D Beyond or we're watching it happen. I don't know, man. That's your third? It just means that in combat, they'll dry up. Yeah, right. I'd rather have them now.

Man, okay. You are able to get really close and see what is happening. This terminal that he is sitting at, it has a lot of writing in it. I mean, with a Matt 20 investigation check, the writing is all German. I speak German. What's that? I speak German. As long as German is a form of abyssal, celestial, common, goblin, or undercommon, I speak it.

Is it one of those? It is not one of those. However, I think, I mean, with a 20 investigation, like, you. you watch him kind of navigate through the menus of this, of this screen that he is looking at. You see several things. I will give you this for free. He presses a button and you see a projection of luminow tower appear on the screen. There are several, like, UI elements that are readable on the screen, even without, like,

understanding the German descriptions written on the screen. At the base of the tower, you see a large glowing red lock icon that is posted over the door. At the top, you see another glowing icon depicting a bat near the very top of the tower. And it has a green checkmark next to it. There are sort of blue waves flashing out from the top of the tower, like a radio antenna with the word signal okay underneath them. But above that is a part of the tower that you've never really been able to see from this side profile angle. The tower is huge and nobody is allowed to really go up in it. At the top of the tower, the peak of the tower kind of flares upwards and light, it appears, is like shooting out of it like a flashlight at a really wide angle up towards the sky.

But as you like hang out here unseen, you actually realize that the light is going into the top of the tower, like a funnel. And the source of that light is clear. There is a glowing yellow icon of the sun high in the sky with another green checkmark next to it. You are able to glean all of that. If you want to approach any closer, that is going to be, I'm going to need another check out of you. You're going to need another net 20.

Another fucking, your fourth net 20 in a row. So at this point, now that I've clocked all that information, I'm going to lunge forward and cover his mouth with my hand and pull him away from the computer. Fuck, yeah, this is going to be your one, baby. Get ready for it. Everyone, brace. Brace for the not funny seven.

Travis is about to roll. Well, this is, so this is going to be an attack roll. you're trying to grapple with Dr. Frankenstein. I will say you have absolutely gotten close enough here that you're like heavy footfalls on this metal circular platform. He is not going to have time to turn and react in time. So I'll give you advantage on this attack roll against Dr. Frankenstein. That's at 14 and a 11.

So 14. Ooh. No. And we're back. You sprint up to Dr. Frankenstein. and at your first footfall on this metal grate, he turns around. And you can see he is wearing what looks like a sort of like bangle with flashing lights. He sees you and instantly slaps that bangle.

And I need you to make a Constitution saving throw. I also need one from Philo and Godwin. you are far enough away, I will give you advantage on it. 13. And which one? What check? Con save. Constitution saving.

Okay. 26. Nice. Geez of Pete. That's one tough puppet. 18 for me. Okay. Godwin and brother Philo, you all turn your eyes as you see a bright, brilliant light emanate from a little antenna

on top of the computer terminal. But you are too close and not able to react in time. You are blasted by a wave of radiant light for eight points of radiant damage. You also are blinded. You hear Dr. Frankenstein say, not another step? Who are you?

What are you doing here? How did you get past Renfield? and the strangling Meyer now that I think about. Are we hidden? That is a good point. Please make a stealth check now that he is turning to face you. If you are trying to hide, then yes. I'm trying to hide.

Okay, cool. And not very good, five. Okay, you're not sure if you are hidden. You are very far away. You're on the complete opposite end of this room. Godwin, what are you doing? I'm fine. I'm going to try to close the distance between us.

Okay, he watches you nervously, hand still on his bangle. He says, I told you not another step. Do not move. I do not... Excuse me, Victor. Oh. I'm so sorry, there is no refunds. Oh, I...

I'm not asking for one. Oh, in exchange, then. I don't do that either. No, don't look at me. Not there. Look up here. In my eyes. Yes. It's quite comfortable at this point. I don't require a refund. I'm not even angry with you, Victor.

The stitching, is this an Igor job? The stitching is like a child has done it. You know, I wasn't there for it. I see. So, you don't need to slap your, what, bangle or whatever. It is. We could just talk. Give me a persuasion check, please.

But it has been long enough if you want to give me another con save to try and rub your eyes. Not 20. Jesus Christ, Travis. Yeah. Your eyes just like light shoots out of them. I roll a 16 plus 319. He relaxes a little bit and sits back in his chair watching you. He says, if he tries to arrest him.

me again, I will blast you all. I do, I have no stomach for violence, but I will to finish this place. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. And look at him. And look at him. You just blasted him. Yeah. Look at him. To be fair, man, I wasn't going to hurt you. It was a, I was trying to do a thing where I was like, you were going to be surprised one way or the other. So I was going to keep you calm while I was like, hey, don't freak out. We're not here to hurt you. Right. And it just went poorly. gone you would be. Yeah. Is it just the two of you? Well, there's also that puppet standing in that big pool of light. You got a five, dude. Is that puppet standing in a big pool of light but covering his face? Pretend like he's not there.

He's with us two. Wait, wait. And Philo comes walking towards Victor. He puts his hand back on his bangle. Abraham? How did you, how did you get out? I summon Abraham. You're going to make me have a fucking conversation.

Yep. In German. Yeah, they would use the natural. That is true, Griffin. Okay, you hear Abraham say in German. He says, What a beautiful tongue this is. Boy, I love speaking this darn language.

He says, Wow. Victor, I was rescued by these people from the trap that you and Dracula put me within. There is another inside of me, a cleric. He and I are sort of doing a like a roommate situation inside of here. But I bear no ill will against you, Victor.

I know you are under this role of contract here. He switches back out to you. So, we cool? For the moment. moment, I suppose. What are you all doing here? I'm guessing you're here to slay Dracula. You are vampire hunters.

Is that right? Man, you know, if you had asked us, like, I don't know, a couple of days. It's hard times weird here in Ongrave. Like, at this point, I'm not certain what exactly is going on, if I'm being honest. So I think recon is step one at this point. You came into the castle of Count Dracula not knowing what it is you're looking for? Well, we came in knowing. Yes.

I pull Scalibur. Is that sword? Yes, so this is Scalibur, and we found it buried in a gods call of on. So I pulled it, and then we killed on. We must... No. We must evacuate the castle. We must make our way to Luminow.

Dracula must be warned. But, but, but, but... We killed On. Yeah, we turned on off. Yeah, he's dead. That's good. Yeah, On's dead, dude. So...

He relaxes again. You killed the God on? Yeah. And then... Well, so me and Godwin slashed him a bunch, and then Philo called down... Basically, like, holy smiting. Yeah, I smote him.

You are Philo. I thought you were Abraham. It's very complicated. That's right. Why not both? I'm right there with you. Listen. I'm Faberham.

Cool. You cannot... You would as sooner kill time or gravity before you could kill a god. You may have destroyed his physical manifestation in this world. But gods cannot be... Man, say that to level six, bud, because, like, we went up a level when we killed him, so I don't know what to tell you. He's probably dead, actually, if you got experience points. We did, yeah, man.

So, um... Yeah, dude. Wait, what does that mean? It is just, I... You have done what Count of Dracula planned to do for so long and was unable to do so until he wielded Excaliburable. to merely banish on or contain him. So you're saying he's going to be very grateful? Well, I...

Hmm, perhaps a reward. I think that perhaps he would have been grateful when he was still here. I... Listen, I... Yeah, speak on that. Yeah, more. Speak more on that.

Please, Victor. Where is Count Dracula? He is... Oh, wouldn't he? I'd love to, yes. I mean, surely. Dracula Prime. We're still looking for Dracula Prime.

Dracula Prime. I don't understand what this means. Surely you found Count Dracula. He was flying around, trying to bite people out there, trying to bite him and turns him into bad. You know what? I can probably help you find a Count Dracula to take down and you can then. Oh, yes. Why did I think of this?

Oh, I know exactly. Yes, I know exactly where Count Dracula is. He presses a button, a couple buttons on the. terminal. One of the tanks splashes open and some blood falls down. Through it, splashes onto the floor

shining-esque and suspended within that blood, crashing down to the floor. You see Count Dracula. Take him. And Frankenstein says,

Ah, there he is. Oh, so scary. Get him quickly. Oh, wait a minute. No, that's not Dracula. Please, Victor. The Dracula that has just splashed out of the machine stands up. He looks around kind of daze and says, Oh, what are they?

Hello? Hi there. Hi, welcome to Earth. Your name is Toby. I, okay. Hello. What is your name? Okay, night, night.

And I'll use the Toby Slayer on this, this clone. Okay. Get rid of him. Make an attack roll against the Dracula clone, please. Okay, it's a 23. Fuck yeah. Yeah, that hits.

Roll damage. I don't know how much damage our role. Plus flaming, raging, poisoning against Tobis. Okay. And I add my proficiency bonus to the attack roll or any attack I make with it. So 1D10 plus 3 against Tobis. 10. And you also get an extra point.

Oh, yeah. For the infusion. Oh, and I'm less than half hit points, too, so I had another one. You did not heal when you were taking your short rest? I did. I did. I had 12 hit points, and then I healed 14 of those, and now I have 26. Okay.

Which is less than half of 59. This Dracula that popped out of the machine was a mostly nude, sort of withered away-looking, Dracula. Give me actually, as you attack him, Godwin, give me a perception check. Are we talking like early Gary Oldham in the first part of the movie? 19. With a 19, you notice that part of his left arm had not finished regenerating yet. This was a clone that was not ready for, not ready for prime.

time. And so when you when you slice him down with the Toby Slayer, he goes down like a sack of bricks. Okay, now I turn to Victor. You did it. Congratulations. Your heroic quest has come to you. Do you see what? Okay. Now hold on a second. That Dracula is currently on fire and poisoned. Yeah. And dead. Yeah. I'm going to need a little bit more respect from Victor, please. No, you get none. He says, you have done it. Oh, my goodness. Your quest is finished and please you...

Victor, we know it's a clone. Is that a news? The net bolts are a dead giveaway, my dude. Yes. Now, so you are... You need to know what Dracula is. So you all know quite a bit, said yes. Yeah.

We get the idea. Yes. I see. I'm afraid I cannot help you. find the Dracula you are looking for, but please, I assure you that where he is, he is, he is harmless. He is sort of vibing on his own project, and that project does not involve slaughter or the destruction of on grave. So I encourage you not to dig any deeper into this whole. Take your trophy, as you will, and return to Lumano, you will be hailed as heroes. Indeed, this

is a pretty chill situation, actually. So, thank you, Victor. Thank you. And I start walking away. You know what? Hold on. Hey, uh, Philo. Mm-hmm.

Can we get Abraham back here for a second? Oh, I suppose. It always comes with a bit of nausea, but I, yep. Okay. Abe. Oh, God. I get so nausea. Yeah, man, I know.

Sorry about that. Hey, I need you to read this computer. What he's written here, it's in German. Oh, yes. And, uh, and, let's see. Um, yeah, Mutt pulls his crossbow and points at, uh, at Franklstein. It says, I'm going to need you to just stay still for me for a second, if you don't mind. Uh, okay, we have a bit of a showdown here as he sees you produce.

As soon as, as soon as Mutt does that, I, I left so he would stop paying attention. I want to put him into a full Nelson. You're going to put Dr. Frankenstein into a full Nelson? Yeah. Yeah, so he can't slap his bracer. Okay, so I will need a, we'll resolve things in this. We're working together here. Exactly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Towards the same thing. Absolutely. It's all good. At first, I need Godwin to make a stealth check, right? You are attempting to sneak up on Dr. Frankenstein, who is kind of at the far end of the room. So this is going to be a bit of a big ask for you to circumnavigate this stone platform and this metal platform. Okay. I said, hey, no problem at all.

Well, surely with advantage, I just pulled the gun on him. No, not with advantage. He clocks you immediately, Godwin. You see him look in your direction and then back at Mutt. You are not able to sneak up on him. If you want to try to bum rush him, you can. But that will be, you know, another situation. Do not come any closer, giant Frankenstein lady.

You may not approach. Put your low your weapon. I promise you, you are out. I didn't have my rep in ways. Is he talking to travel? You are outnumbered and outgunned. Please, do not do this. I do not wish to harm anyone.

Believe it or not, I am something of a pacifist. That's awesome, man. So you just stay still, and my puppet friend here is going to read what you was working on, okay? Give me an intimidation check, please. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, that I can help with. Okay. I can help intimidate him. Cronut

Fly right into his face What's the fuck is that? What is that? Get that thing out right here. Okay, you can have advantage on your intimidation check. Well, I don't need it. That's a Nat 20.

Travis? Guys, we've been doing this show for a decade. That's five, right? That's your fifth Nat 20 nearly in a row? Correct. That's fucking crazy, Travis. Okay, he...

Which is just... I mean, he raises his hands. German. German is awful. You hear Abraham Van Helsing begin speaking. Okay, it looks like there's some commands on the screen, term schema. It's schematic.

Often a blue tank could be opening blood tank. Seems he's already done one of those. She's a Heardt's Protocol. security protocol and garage lift activate garage lift activate you

Dr. Frankenstein says this does not have to go down like this I can help you get what you want I can help you find any any Dracula's you may be looking for but you have to believe in me You have to lower your weapon, and we can figure this out together.

No, we're going to wait. Where is Dracula Prime, Abraham? The real Dracula. He... I do not know. No, that's not you. Oh, whoop. You are back, brother fellow.

Frankenstein says, I... I... He's gone. He is not here. He is... Oh, no, I was asking Abraham. who was reading the thing because there's a bat checkmark on the thing.

Oh, sure. Okay. Abraham says... Comes back. Yeah. Abraham says, it would appear he is within liminal tower. I am not sure what he's doing there.

But as he says that, Dr. Frankenstein is going to go for his bangle. You have a crossbow trained on him, Mutt, and I think your reflexes are a bit faster than him. If you want to take the shot, you... Yeah, I'm going to shoot the Bangle. Okay, that is going to be a very, very... That is going to be a trickier shot than just shooting at him,

but if that is what you... I mean, if I go through his wrist, that's fine. Griffin, that would be true for Immortal, but Travis, or rather Mutt, has... found a plane between, a sort of demigod, if you will. What might be a challenge to a mere human is nothing to hit. A cool time for a 20 minute. Yeah, wouldn't it?

You don't have advantage for this attack. I don't know. But I had it trained on him. A 17 to hit. Okay, with a 17, you send a crossbow bolt flying into Dr. Frankenstein's bicep. Go ahead and roll damage on him, please. Sorry, bro. That's a 10 plus 4, 14.

Jesus Christ. He, just a spray of blood shoots out of his arm and splashes across the screen. He looks up at you frenzied and slaps his bagel. I mean, I did say just like, don't move. Make a constitution saving through everybody, please. 19. 13. 6.

Okay. Mut, you know what's coming this time. The antenna on top of the monitor flashes again. Only this time when it turns on, it stays on. You brace yourself, Mutt, and maybe just sort of your recent exposure to this light, you feel yourself sort of steal yourself against the bright, hot, radiant light shooting out of this thing.

The same is not true for Philo and God when, You both take nine points of radiant damage. This brilliant white light has begun to fill the room. Immediately you smell the flesh of this Dracula clone just instantly burst into flames. The three of you do not burst into flames, but you do feel yourself being just irradiated by this brilliant light that is now constantly.

constantly shining in here. Let's roll for initiative. Maximum Fun. A work-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.