The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 26

Episode Date: July 11, 2024

The monster hunters return to Lumnieaux armed with new knowledge on how to defeat their ultimate foe. But they face even more dangers inside the city. Phileaux takes the wheel. Mutt rides shotgun. Godwin Teen Wolfs it. Additional Music in this Episode: "Zombie Rock" by Jason Shaw: https://audionautix.com/; and "Sofia 30" by Nuno Adelaida: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Nuno_Adelaida. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary Today I called upon my tutor to teach me the ways of music. He brought me a violin and began instructing me how to play it. My father heard the sound and got very cross and then made my tutor eat the violin right there in front of me. I think he is probably dead, which is very sad. I wish he could understand how. Good, I felt, the night I fled the castle.

How this song I heard wafting into my bedchamber window ensorseled my young senses, parting my teenage gloom like a shaft of light from the heavens. How did it go again? How did it go again? Ah, well, I'm sure it'll come to me eventually. Hey, Griffin, can I pay you $100 to just say insorcelled in that, voice. And sores sold. You all are

standing in front of. That gave me the feeling that pop rocks do. Oh yeah. Emotionally. Yeah. It's, uh, I think that's called feeling good. Oh, weird. It had good feelings. Is this what they call, uh, what is it?

Dopamine? Yeah. As if the fucking four of us aren't constantly doing everything in our power to pump that good shit into our brains as much as is possible every single day with every choice we make. The four of you, I mean the three of you, are standing in front of a silver studibaker

with monster truck tires with the vanity license plate declaring its name, Dracula. The vehicle of your demise, Godwin, is standing near you at one end of a tunnel, at the other end of which is a great through which moonlight is spilling. above you, the alarm from the laboratory continues to blare, and blood from the now opened tanks above is trickling down into the garage. Now listen, we clearly, we need to move. I think we're on a bit of a timer here. But, Gobind, if you need to key this car up real good, I understand.

I'd rather key Dracula with an axe. What if I didn't come out Yeah, well, okay, wait. So you would scratch like your name in him with your axe? I guess. I want to kill him with the axe. It was, I'm going to kill him with the axe. Yes, but that's technically I'm going to axe somebody

because that's when you're, you know. Who are you? How did you get in here, sir? I have a cold. I have a cold. Um, so Griffin is the, the gray is closed, right? It is, yes. Okay.

We need to move, right? Can we all agree? Yes. Okay. What do we see in terms of like egresses from this current situation, Griffin? It's basically the end of this sort of like tunnel runway, there is a grate through which you can see outside. You can see outdoors. Okay.

You guys see if you can figure out how to open that grate. and I'm going to hotwire this car. Wait, let's do an investigation. Let me do an investigation check first and see if the keys are in it. Well, yeah, I'm going to get in it. Sure, you can make an investigation check. You can't hotwire a car from the outside.

21. Okay, Philo, you hop up into the chassis of Dracula, and you begin investigating. I think with a 21 investigation check, it's not in like the sun visor of the car. It's not in the glove compartment, but there is like a little center console that when you pop that open. Sure enough, you find, you find, it's actually just one big key. It's not like a ring of keys. Like a skeleton key?

I mean, it's not a magical key. It's a car key. It has the fucking Kia logo on it. It's a car key. Like for car. It's a key of studebaker. Yeah, Kia Stu de Baker. Classic model.

I will also say as you hop in the seat, the lights in this tunnel activate in a row as if illuminating a sort of like runway. Oh, man. This man bat dude has a great cave with a great car. I don't know what you're implying, Travis, but I don't think I like it. Oh, sorry. It's a kind of niche reference. You guys wouldn't get it.

You're not real nerds. If they've got the keys, I want to check the trunk. Okay. You go and, I think, Philo, you find a lever that pops the trunk open. You open it up. Hey, Griffin. Just tell me before you spend. Is there anything in there before I open it?

Was there anything in there before? a lady god was decided to open it is this the shrouding those trunk yes this is what I'm just curious former disgraced GM to another was there anything of the truck before I opened it there was not

no um but now I can I be honest shoes I don't even know if this motherfucking car had a truck a trunk in it but now it does you not only the contents of it into existence you weave the thing itself and that's Griffin can I talk to you over here for a second yeah sure sure

fill it with jack a lanterns Oh, yeah, that'll be good. Yeah, man, he'll never see that coming. Put on Springs. So, like, when they open up, they kind of bounce around a little bit? For sure, for sure. Okay, you're holyness, I'm happy to help. Bye.

Sorry, guys, I wasn't listening for a second. What were you saying? Don't worry about it. Nothing. Okay. You open about it up. It was the holy seat. The Pope.

You open up the trunk. Wait, which Pope? The cool Pope or the real Pope? I don't know either. That was a weird bitch, Juse. Yeah, all right. You open up the trunk. and you see a few items inside.

There's some gym clothes. There's a tire iron in there. There's a big, big tire. Does it look blessed or anything? The tire iron? I mean, I guess it's in the shape of a cross. So, I mean, you got that going for you. Perfect.

Take it. Make an investigation check for me. Not my strong suit, but it did roll a 12, which is fun. 12. There is a spare tire in here, and it's very big. because this is a monster child. What am I saying? There's no way there's a spare tire in here.

That would be fucking insane. I revise what I, my earlier statement. How big did this imaginary trunk become? Is it a Tartis? You do. That's another niche nerd reference. Sorry, guys. Yeah, sure.

You do inside of here, you find some bones. Oh, no. And. Is it curious or curious. Yeah, man. Whoa. It's not a full, like, skeleton. Put the bones together.

and see who it makes. Wait, it's not a full skill. That's even scarier. Go ahead. Whoa, dude. Like, there's no skull in here. The skull eaters. It seems like maybe...

The kill of Rafi. Some of the hands... Some of the hand bones are missing. There's just, like, a sort of random... The handbones? Can I close the trunk? I don't want to talk about the trunk anymore. Sure.

Wait. Could I have one of the... bones? What? One of the little ones. One of the, like, is there a thumb? Hey, Philo, we've let a lot of shit go, man. You put a little, you still have a little you in a bottle, my dude.

Yeah. I give it in the thumb. Thank you. Okay. I pop it in a vial. All right. I thought you got to say your mouth. Oh, the umami.

Yeah. You, uh, you grab one of, you grab one of, you, grab a thumb bone from this skeleton. And you all have got this car up and running now with the key. What do you do? Just so you all know, so we don't get light text or whatever, there's three bones up there, the distal phalanx, and then there's a proximal phalanx and then the monocarpal. So you got to choose.

Okay. Metacarpal sounds, metacarpal sounds sick. I'm looking at a picture. Metacarpal sounds sick, and it's the biggest one. I would talk about metacarpal. I think that might be a little too weird for maybe just a normal carpal. Yeah. Yeah, people don't like it when we break the fourth wall with our carpals.

Okay. It's a flood wall, actually. It's how all the carpals get out. As you all hop into the various seats of Dragula, the gate at the far side of this tunnel. Wait, who's driving? That is my question. What is the arrangement of people in this? automobile.

Uh, I'm teen wolf in. Okay. Griven, griffin, griffin, griffin. It's just, it's a car. The sound your voice just made your bottled as like liquid DM. Is what that sounds? It's just a choice, a choice made in defiance of,

of safety and reason. Uh, and I guess that's sort of the vibe that we do encapsulate here. quite often here on the show, so I don't know why I'm surprised. Yeah. If you want people to ride in cars, listen to Critical Role. That's all I'm saying. This is where the bad boys play. Yeah.

Or listen to riding in cars with boys with orcs, the fantasy podcast. That we're going to start. Inspired by the hit, Drewbitt. Yes. Okay. Who's driving? What? Would you mind if I drove?

There's one other human size person. Now, Philo. One more person. I can reach the pedals. I don't mean to sound, I don't mean to sound rude or judgmental. You are the size of a little wooden boy. I know. Wouldn't that be hilarious?

I have a thought. So philo can try. We know that your nose grows when you lie. Is it perhaps possible other parts of your body grow when you do other things? Like, have you tried damning someone with faint praise or getting too hungry? Or maybe feeling on wee? eating something spicy, or casting alter self

and give you myself long enough the legs to reach the petals. Okay, but let me just, if I, just small note, just make your toes and fingers longer. Oh, good, yes. Ew, no! Yeah, keep your arms and legs the same,

but just long toes and long fingers. I cast alter self, and I have long fingers and long toes. God almighty. This sucks. God, Jackie, is going to scare out. And that also, freeze up mud in case he needs to do

some damage from the shotgun. I get in the trunk. Great. Yeah, you're in the trunk. I hang on the bottom of the car. I'm hanging on the shafts. I'm hanging off the muffler. No, I'm, yeah, I'm riding shotgun. Okay. Um, cool. Hey, Philo, you driven before?

No. Dig to the ditches and burn to the wheel. I'm in the back of my triangular. Uh, okay. Filo, I want you to operate a motor vehicle for me. We're going to roll, let me think,

do you have vehicle proficiency? Doesn't seem like it. Has anyone ever driven? I'm driven to have it right now. Well, we did ride carriages. Remember, we were doing carriages. Battlewagons. Well, you've ridden in it, but I don't think that you have.

So this would be a tool ability check. So we're going to use a dexterity check here. You do not have proficiency. So this is just going to be a straight-up dexterity check to see how good a job at driving a car you do. 16. Okay. I think it's very much Independence Day. You like step on the gas and it backs up and bumps into the wall for a second.

And then you reverse the Post-it note. And Jeff Goldblum gives you a big thumbs up. But you then realize, like, oh, this is the go-forward pedal, and this big circle in front of me makes it go where I need it to go. Now, I'm not going to do this the whole time, but can we just imagine that Mutt is in the shotgun giving him, like, parent, driver instruction, like teaching a teenager, like, okay, now, oh, no, that's your blinker, okay? A lot of grabbing the bar above you, just pushing the invisible break. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, okay.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah. That's windshield wipers. That's wind shoe wipers. I said break. Oh, okay. All right. And this is the AMF.

Okay. Let's burn rubber. You shoot down the tunnel like a cannon ball and come roaring out of the front of Dracula's castle. You are really hauling out. You are moving at a speed that I don't think the three of you have ever moved before. No carriage could possibly rip as hard as this bad boy is ripping right now. As you shoot forwards. He always carries with him.

Oh, what's in it? Is it a tape? Yeah, it's a mixtape. Yeah, it can be a tape. All recorded, it's recorded off the radio. So there's like some weird, you know, bits of like commercial and announcing there. It's time to turn so you burn. Yeah.

but it's a lot of ACDC a lot there's some Led Zeppelin in there There's some Rob Zombie Don't get it wrong But he's a literal zombie In this world

Yeah yeah in this universe Who has a song called Dragula No way dad really Yeah man And then I'm just gonna go I'm gonna go

I'm gonna go Okay You pop on this mixtape with Rob Zombie's Dragula. Did I say that right? On it. And roar forwards out of the castle. You notice as you come ripping out of the castle,

there are tracks in the mud that you can kind of track going from the tunnel you just came out of, going straight into the Stranglemire. You can see the mud has very clear track marks leading straight into the Stranglemire, which makes the purpose of these enormous monster truck tires very, very clear. You get the impression that Dragula has made the trek across the Stranglemire many times with no ill effects. And you assume you can do the same. As you blast out of the castle, looking backwards, you can still see light beaming out of the second story. windows where you sort of trapped

Renfield in the ballroom with the chandelier above. You also see the shape of a half dozen giant bats fly out of one of the rear windows of the castle and soar up into the perpetual moonlight above.

I'm sure that won't come back up. Um, okay. You all have escaped, uh, Dracula's castle. Hell yeah. You, you know sort of where Dracula Prime is now at the top of Lumino Tower. Um, you know that he is, he has, uh, harnessed the power of the sun, uh, using that tower, suspending this realm in a sort of endless night and that he is controlling or otherwise sort of connected to everyone in Lumino

who has those bolts in one side of their necks. You also know that... Sort of like when Apple just automatically downloaded the YouTube album onto all those iPods. It's exactly, it's Travis, that is the moment, the cultural zeitgeist moment that inspired this entire season. You also know that you are pretty beat to shit

I would love to take a long rest. Yeah, can we probably find a place? Oh. Then I can pick up Aggie and we can take a quick rest. It's not a bad idea. They're going to be fucking jazz to see us too, I'm sure. Yeah, I bet there's no way they thought we were coming back. Okay, you all make your way back to the Black Lagoon.

You have no problem sort of navigating there since it's sort of close. to the banks of the Stranglemire. As you roar through the Stranglemire, sort of kicking up muck and mud behind your enormous tires as you go, you see the occasional, like, ghostly face from the water below, like, oh, I'm going to get, oh, shit! As you just sort of flatten running over spirits as you smash through. However, after, you know, not much, like a half hour of ripping through the mud,

you arrive at the boathouse of one Gordon Clearwater and his wife the sports druid Elizabeth you see them We would catch them on break Like oh yeah

Yeah they're still getting their makeup done Yeah right Oh shit there they are Okay You actually see on the banks of the Black Lacoon you see Gordon Clearwater He's got a big bucket of water

there with him that he continues sort of ladling over himself. But he's, he's throwing a frisbee. And you see, uh, Aggie running and jumping and grabbing it in the air. It seems like she is, uh, more sort of sprightly and, uh, active than you have seen her in a long, long time. But, uh, when he sees Dragula approaching at first, he looks scared. Uh, but then he sees you all driving it. And he's like, oh, all right. Oh, so hoping I'd see you three again a lot. Well, the puppy, I don't know. If we could say he's technically alive, but what happened to your fingers and toes, man? I just altered myself.

Look, look what I can do. Look, here's the church. Here's the church. And I'm doing it with my feet. Gordon takes the frisbee back from Aggie, who runs and leaps up into the passenger's seat of Dracula and just starts licking your face profusely.

Who's a good girl? Ralph! Hey man, okay. Gordon, thanks so much for taking care of Aggie, man. She looks great. Oh, I don't know anything. What about taking care of little pox? But luckily, my wife Elizabeth does. And he throws the frisbee at the car. And just before it reaches the car, the frisbee transforms into Elizabeth,

the sports druid. Oh, God. Okay. Sorry, man. I thought yours was a volleyball. I can take the shape of any sports instrument, as is required. I am the last of my circle. No.

So I find it important to check this out, croquet mallet. Oh, hell yeah, dude. Yes, so that is a very good dog you have there. She was very anxious, but when you left, but we have grown quite fond of her. What are you all doing back? back here. Have you come to take sanctuary in our humble shack?

No, man, we was just looking for a place to rest real quick, so I guess, yeah? Actually, yes. That is exactly... Yeah, man, you nailed it. Well, I would, obviously, that we would love to have you all again. It seems like you all have had a bit of a day you're covered in blood.

I can't tell if it's... It's yours or someone else's. And Lady God, when you, you look half dead yourself. So any rest and respite we may provide for you, we would love to have you be our guests. Yes, I've had quite an evening. It's been quite a lot.

Oh, Maggie, guess what? I'm King of England. That's true. Yeah, man. So you're like a royal hound now, dude. You know what? I'm going to say your Duchess, Agatha Fislewaite. Oh.

Could I lay down? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. I'll get you, you know what? I'll get you been ready in the guest house. And he walks over and now you see, like, you don't know how you didn't notice this before, but there's actually a pretty sizable guest house behind the boat shack. He's like

Yeah, I've got It's a three bedroom two bath So you could go in there If you need to take a shower And take a wrist There's a little kitchenette in there Oh man So it's sort of an air D&D

Wow That was really good Wow dad Some jokes are so good You just have to yell at him That was a really good joke Yeah baby She says

The water pressure is It is not what you may be used to. It's incredibly strong. It's incredibly incredibly strong. Don't use it. The water, it'll last. How's the water pressure on the bidet?

It will check this out. She points up at a hole in the roof. Holy shit. Yes. We don't know how to do, we built this house ourselves. We had no idea. I'm first. Okay.

Well, we'll stand guard, I guess. Are you all like in danger because it looks like you stole Dracula's car? He's fine with it. Yep. Borrowed. Okay, cool. All right, you all have a chance to rest and recover here at the guesthouse of Gordon Clearwater and Elizabeth the Sports Druid. Go ahead and take your long rest.

Heal up to full. Get those delicious spell slots back. Get yourselves right with Christ. And brother Philo is rolling his potion that he gets to do every rest. Yes. A four. And that would be boldness. Huh.

Cool. The drinker can roll a D4 and add the number roll to every attack roll and saving throw they make for the next minute. Wow. That's pretty good. Yeah. All right. I'll put that. Okay.

Yeah. Stow that away. Yes. Get your inventory. Tori's, you know, set, get everything good to go, because we're getting, we're about to get into it. It is the next morning, maybe. The sun doesn't work, so it's hard to tell, but you've, you've rested for quite a while. Do you fill in Elizabeth and Gordon on sort of what has happened, what has taken place in the last 24 hours?

I mean, mutts pretty chatty, so yeah. Okay. Gordon says, so what are you going to do? Because I must be honest, it's been a while since I've been to the big city, but it seems quite fortified. So if you're going there to try to take out the big boy, you've got to have some trouble doing so, I fear. I mean, we've got a big car.

That you do, that you do. So you just drive the car straight up the top of the tower, And we go in the town. We drive the car to the tower. Then go in the tower and then back, hey, Dracula, knock it off. Or whatever. So that's the extent to the plan so far, is it? We're kind of an impetuous bunch.

Mm-hmm. I'm picking you up on that. Well, if me and Elizabeth can be of any help, we do you quite a bit. And to be honest, I miss a son. I, I, you have a son? What's that? You have a son? Hmm.

I don't think so. No, I don't think, no, travel. They said no, buddy, I'm sorry. Oh, no, we have to. No, we've got kids. And he gestures into the water. In the water. Oh, no, I meant on his joke.

They said no. They said the, no, they actually say yes. Whoa. It's this new comedy principle I've been working on, Juice, and I, it's called yes and. And so in this one, you look in the water and you say, see a bunch of half fish, half tennis rackets splashing around. Oh, man. One of them fit in my vial.

You can't actually take one of my kids. You understand that's the craziest thing you've ever said, right? I was joking. Okay. Anyway. You know, I actually, I might be able to get us some help. There's like this whole team, what family, really, of, like, my family. really of like monster hunters and

oh god I could ask them for help okay um I love your guys help too but you just said you haven't been to the city like I've been to the city many times oh hey

have you ever been to a game of the the Lumino Chargers oh hell yeah that's me the football whoa yeah I don't know why they don't get a regular football.

My fee is quite large. Probably like kind of a superstition thing at this point. Yes. I would be proud to accompany you and assist you if I can. Gordon's like, yeah, me too. Maybe we'll take the waterways because I don't want to ride in that big car. That's scary. It scares me how big it is.

I get that's so big. Well, about time for us. the head out. This has been so nice. All right. Just going to take some of these Pop-Tarts with me for the road and just going to go. This is we're going to go, I think.

Oh, did you want us to clean up? Or were you going to take care of that? Elizabeth says there's a $50 cleaning charge if you don't actually hear. She hands you a binder with all the rules of the guest house. Oh, I used the washer dryer. I didn't. I'm sorry. God damn it. I'm not helping you in your final battle anymore.

Oh, man. Oh, there was a habachi. They had an habachi. Yeah, but man, look here. It says $30 charge if we use the hobachi. That's how it gave you, man. Yeah, man. Okay, you all hop back in to Dracula,

and are you heading back to the city of Illumano? I believe we are. City Pop to me is like a feeling. City Pop is beautiful music. It's music that makes me emotional. There's so many different sounds that fall into the city pop category. It just feels very home to me. We're just about wrapped on our inaugural season of Primer.

If you didn't know, Primer is a new podcast that explores music from outside the English-speaking world. And Vulture called us one of the best podcasts of the year. Our first season covered Japanese city pop. and you just heard a few of our past guests share what the genre means to them. Learn more about the world of City Pop and listen to some cool tunes. And if you like what we're doing, you can make a one-time contribution and help us reach our goal to produce a second season about a new genre. Support Primer over at MaximumFund.org slash Primer.

Hi, I'm Jesse Thorne, the founder of Maximum Fun, and I have a special announcement. I'm no longer embarrassed by my brother, my brother, and me. You know, for years, each new episode of this supposed advice show was a fresh insult, a depraved jumble of erection jokes, ghost humor, and frankly, this is for the best, very little actionable advice. But now, as they enter their twilight years, I'm as surprised as anyone to admit that it's gotten kind of good. Justin, Travis, and Griffin's witticisms are more refined, like a humor column in a fancy magazine. And they hardly ever say Bazinga anymore.

So, after you've completely finished listening to every single one of all of our other shows, why not join the McElroy Brothers every week for my brother, my brother, and me? How about, let's have a little, could we have a little beach party? I mean, just kind of hang out by the water and have a little meal and kind of just talk. And, you know, before we head out to sleep. Sort of just the three of us, right? That's the sort of... Is that weird?

No, we haven't really... I wasn't asking you, but... Yeah, no, Pilo, we are standing in someone else's home being like, let's party on their beach. You're not invited. Yes, but they're charging us out the ass for everything, so I don't know how much of... Well, with the bidet, they're charging you in the ass.

Yeah. Good point. Good point. Oh, sure, we can set up a little grill for you by the beach side. Not the habachi. Some, not that much. Clearly not, but we can get you some fresh cold ones for $45. And we can get you some beach chairs for $30.

You know what? We could also just like sit on the car hood on the beach and talk. Oh, and like not. And listen to music. Yeah, I am. All right. You all cruise down to the beach and hop onto the hood of Dracula. It's a lovely moonlit morning here on the banks of the Black Lagoon.

You see just sort of scores of tennis racket fish just kind of bobbing up and down, just propagating wildly now that the big fish monster has been killed. And things are from a moment. Oh, sure. I gave my love a cherry. Okay. Okay. Give me a performance check.

Oh, man. Okay. Now I have to live up to it. Oh, that's it too. I came of a chain. Oh, no, your guitar exploded. Yeah, your guitar just, your car. Oh, man.

Plus these damn long fingers. Exactly. Yeah, you tried strumming the guitar and your huge fingers just knock the guitar directly into the water. Would you guys want to change back? Would you guys want to change back? I would be so thrilled.

Can I tell you that music, here's the thing that's eating at me. Can I tell you all? So like, we set out to kill Dracula, you know, because it was like, he's a scourge on the land and made like the, you know, eternal night and exploded your body and like turned your cardinal and the invisible man killed my brother. And so we all have very justified reasons. and... I'm not sure I realize that.

Hmm, what's that? The Invisible Man killed your brother. Yeah, man. Beat him to death real bad, and then my brother was like, please take Dracula's season, turn him into jewelry like we always planned. And now, it just feels kind of muddied, like... I think the problem I'm having is that I have, if not like, tolerated some of the Dracula's. Yeah, man.

Yes. Mm-hmm. And I, for myself, I'm quite charmed by the diary. I just, I'd buy that. I'd buy that. I do think it's important to note, Philo, like, it's written by him, right? Yes. So, like, it's going to be in his favor, you know what I mean?

Listen, the poor guy's been through it that his dad issues and, you know, the music. people. Well, eaten, drained. I mean, potato potato. Yeah. In that they mean the same thing, but it's different ways to say the same thing? Well, yes.

Okay. Yeah, man. If I may be so bold, though. Please. There's definitely one Dracula, and I don't want to forget this. And I feel like I liked Vlad enough that I maybe did a little bit.

But there's certainly. one Dracula that hits me with the car so hard that my body exploded and that there's a rudeness to that there is a rudeness

yeah I would say there's a definite rudeness there's an injustice moreover that I feel should be righted and if I if I'm understanding all this correctly he's in people's heads

like he might not be controlling them or whatever but he's using Lumino Tower to connect with the bolts in people's necks. And so there's definitely like an invasion there is. And I want people to know what a stinker. Yeah. What if they forget what a stinker he is?

Yes. Oh, you know, and not only that, but free will is one of the foundations of my faith. And if he's taking away even a smallest slight of the free will, that combined with, but I Okay, I'll just come out and say it Lady Godwin I like you And I think we need to

I don't know Not like you like you like you There's been tension building for sure No Not like you like you Just like you as a friend But by golly I I want to help Lady Godwin

Get her revenge on Dracula No I do have a question Oh my do you Or should we this is perhaps presumptuous, but should we discuss up front who gets to, you know, do it? Oh, the... Should we have a plan, flip a coin? I mean, we'll all be very excited with Dracula's dead, but I think it would be all the...

I don't need to kill him. Why does he his teeth? Take his teeth, all right. So here's what I'll say. As far as I'm concerned, in Fylo, I don't know how much... skin or bark you have in this game but late Godwin you can do the killing blow but if we get the chance

to we need to incapacitate him in such a way that it's not like oh we could have had it and we didn't do it right so like you know like I could pin him to the ground with scaliber or something right and then you could chop his head oh I love that now I would say I would prefer to not deliver the killing blow oh it's well it's still a crime

isn't it? Is it? I mean, it's murder, and I'd rather not rack up another one if I don't have to. Oh, okay. So, well, I believe mud has still a crime. A monster hunter permit, doesn't he? Oh, is that true? Can you grandfather me in? Could you deputize us?

Could we be deputist? Wait, guys, I'm the king. Yeah, man. Yeah, killing Dracula is totally legal. By decree of the king. In England. Everybody. Well, you have diplomatic community.

To kick Dracula's ass! That's right. Just jump cut to the fucking Dragula, just roaring down the high road, away from the Stranglemire towards the city of Lumino. From a distance, you can see the tower come over the horizon.

And it is shining almost painfully bright. It is tough to look at the top of this spire. You can see from it a thick column of amber light just sort of scouring the city in an enormous beam, almost like a searchlight. You can also see in the distance the Port Cullis is shut firmly over the northern checkpoint and standing just right in the middle of the high road in front of of it out of his toll booth sort of is the shape of Robert Halloween. As the car approaches in a distance, you hear him shout, Welcome back to Lumino!

I take it your hunt for Count Dracula was a success. Remind me what the portcaller is made of? Metal stuff. Metal, bronze. Wait, bronze? Yeah, bronze. Not like iron? No, bronze.

I said bronze, man. All right. I mean, you're not driving. Wait, let me look at every thing. It's bronze. No, it's too late. Philo, are you driving the car, or have you all switched it up now that you shrink your fingers and toes? Oh, yeah, Mutt should be driving, I guess.

Okay. Mut, give me a dexterity check. 19 total, and I hit the nose. Absolutely, you hit the gnauz. And Godwin, where are you? Are you still teen wolfing it? Yes, but in a very secure way. That was good to say.

Okay. And I'm up on top of the intended, just whipping back and forth and back and forth. Amazing. Oh, you know what? Is there anything in the bed? In the bed? Of the studebaker? In the, sorry, in the, I keep imagining a giant truck because of the wheels.

That was the first image that popped into my head. Yeah, no. And I'm still fighting. to get it out. Like in the trunk. Yeah, there's stuff in the trunk. There's some gym clothes, a bunch of bones. And not enough. I'm going to leave that stuff. I was hoping there would maybe be something this time I'll look. Okay, I'm back up on top teen wolfing it, baby.

Fuck yeah. All right. 19 decks check on the vehicle handling role. You see Robert Halloween just sort of not faced as the truck. is roaring towards him. The headlights just sort of illuminate him, washing out his sort of holographic colors. And he does start to look more and more nervous a little bit as the car comes closer and closer and closer. And then you all just blast through his holographic form and smash into the Port Colis. I need everybody to give me a dexterity saving throw, please. As you crash this vehicle through the gates.

Ooh, six. What? Oh, I got a 13. And I have got a 16. It's a deck save, not a decks check. A deck save. Okay, well, let me do a quick deck save then. That's the same role.

Whoa, 21. Fuck yeah. All right. You smash through... Oh, and I see about this buckled. I don't feel like this car has those. Pretty sure this car doesn't have those. Oh, well, you'll be hearing from my lawyer.

You smash through the gate of the Northern checkpoint and immediately send it crashing down to the ground. The front of the car takes a terrible amount of damage begins to sort of crumple and the car fish tails just a little bit and then leaps high up into the air rolling and spinning as it does. Mutt, you are thrown from the vehicle and crash into a wall of a nearby building. You take four points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. Philo, you similarly are launched way forward from the car,

and then it sort of precariously flips over you and lands in a smoking heap. You take 10 points of bludgeoning damage. Can I roll my deck save again, please? You want to do even better than you did? I have danger sense, so I have advantage on deck saving throws against effects. Oh, yeah, shit, yeah. Give me another deck save.

Maybe you'll crit. Just in case. Oh, man, it's an 18. Okay, the fates are with me today. The fates are with you today. Fates are with me. With a, your highest was a 21 there. With a 21, Godwin, you leap into the air as the car flips and crashes and land on your feet unscathed.

You see as the car spins through the air, the trunk pops open and the contents of it go flying. You see Jim Close lunch hither and yawn. Aggie's fine, by the way, everybody. Don't worry about Agi. Did you bring, I meant to ask, did you bring Aggie with you on this assault? No, she's doing great back to the air. And she's such a coward, if I'm being honest.

We'll let her hang out with Gordon and the sports druids. So whatever they do, she's with him. The sports druid. You see the bones scatter in the air. And when you see that, Lady Godwin, You are struck with an incredibly powerful sort of sense memory from your last moment alive. The bones that are flying through the air are yours. That was the remnants of your body.

That land scattering across the streets, the cobblestones of luminose streets, like dice rolled on a table. You see your friends sort of laying at the side of the road. You see your own bones scattered all over, and you see the smoking wreckage of Dracula. So what, I just know they're my bones now? What's that? You recognize your bones.

I just know they're my bones now? Yeah. I just looked out of them again, but like, fuck, these are my bones. Well, seeing them flying through the air after being sort of launched out of a vehicle is, I think, enough kind of, synchronicity with the actual moment of your death that you are, that you are sort of,

you come to that realization. Hey, Griffin, I know this isn't the time or the place, but with the bones being tossed around like that, can we do like a divination check to see if it spells out any portents? Oh, any portents or omens? Yeah, just the bones have been rolled. And I think it's a good time to see if we can, you know, just get any kind of sense. Sorry, Lady Godwin. I know that your bones.

No, it's quite all right. No, they're doing me no good. I feel silly with myself about getting sentimental over them, honestly. Should I do a religion check? Yeah, maybe a religion check, see if the bones give us any clues. Okay, hold on. Here we go. Religion check.

Yeah, but we roll bones. Stop doing experiments on my bones. You, I mean, you roll a nine. You don't see any omens or portents in the shape. in the shape of the bones. You do, however, see a light from above, and you think for a second, like, maybe this is St. Tancred,

but actually it is a searchlight has appeared and shines over to where the three of you are now sitting. We made it through the port callus, right? You did, yes, and you are now, in the city of Lumineau. You see a searchlight appear and begin scouring down the alleyway that you all are standing in. You see some figures in the distance for sort of swankly dressed gentlemen wearing sort of matching pinstripe vests and like straw hats. all sporting those bolts in the side of their neck.

You see them further down the alleyway. They turn and look in the direction of the smoking car, which is sort of in front of where you are. Your car has landed sort of in between you and the hubbub in the middle of town here. You have a beat as this situation sort of awakens to your presence. What do you do? Hyde?

That was Travis. We already dealt with him. Oh, ha, ha, ha. Yeah, I'm gonna, I'm gonna take the advantage here. Okay. Just, man, I'm really scared to start this, but I, I want to hide. Yeah, let's hide. I want to hide. I want to hide. I want to hide. I don't want to fight yet. I don't want to hide.

I love that. Okay. So where you're standing in this alleyway, you see a few sort of paths that you could carve out of the way of. of this searchlight as it sort of comes down the alleyway. You know where you are in town. You are in the theater district. You are standing right outside of the ghost light pub, Pierre Reynolds' place of business. So you have a few options. There's like an alleyway here to the west.

You could duck down. There's an alleyway over here to the east. There is also the sort of rear entrance to the ghost light pub. I'm heading towards the rear entrance to the ghost light pub. Okay. Um, Philo too, but I, I'd like Philo to grab the cross-shaped, um, crowbar.

Tyre iron? Tyre iron. Yeah. Okay. I mean, it's mine and I took it. Yeah, got it. Oh, you took it. Okay.

I thought you left in the trunk. No, no, no, no. But here, you could take it. You can put it on your back like a, keep it. Take it. I don't really want it. It's a cross. It's a cross.

It's more your thing. A tire iron usually comes as an X shape. I don't think it's an, I don't think Dracula had like a novelty cross tire iron in Dracula. That's my, are you fucking kidding me? Of course he did. Okay.

That's hilarious. But he uses it upside down. Yep, sorry. Give me a... If a Dracula touches an upside down cross, does it have the same effect, Griffin? If a Dracula touches a lowercase T in a book, does he die?

No one's quite sure. It's a good point. Give me a stealth check, please. All three of you, as you attempt to evade this searchlight coming from Luminow Tower. God, I saw... Oh, no. 16. Sorry, which one?

Stealth, please. Stealth. Perfect three. Okay. Fylo, you scamper in through the rear entrance of the ghost light pub, followed closely with mutt at your heels. Godwin, I think maybe... just being shaken up from seeing your your bones scattered all around, it takes you just a fraction of a second too long to scoot.

And you are caught in the searchlight as you make your way into the back door. And you immediately hear the sound of running footsteps coming down the alleyway. as you enter the ghost light pub you see a familiar face can i attempt to like secure the door in such a way like is there a bar or a lock or something um there yeah i mean yeah this is a this is a business this is a rear employee entrance i think that there is a it's one of those dead bolts that like goes into the floor. And you are, you are able to secure that for how long you do not know. But I think that is a, that is an obvious sort of security measure here.

You all see Pierre Reynolds. He is looking out the windows somewhat nervously, but he turns and sees you all. And he, he smiles, he looks relieved. He says, oh, bonjour. I, I was, I, what is going on? to you all... Where have you been? Have you seriously been after Dracula

this whole time? Things have gotten very weird in the city. Okay, but that is a long time when you're out in the wilderness of on grave. That is, people typically do not survive staying out there for that long. I...

It is good to see you something strange is happening in town. Everybody is acting so strangely. Um, hey, just a shot in the dark here. Does it have to do maybe with the bolts in their next? do you think? Oh, it's possible.

I have no bolts, as you can see. I find it to be a weird sort of body modification process, and exactly the type of thing that they would use to control you, the government. And I have some big thoughts about this. Oh, Pierre, wait, hold on. Pierre, you and I got to talk about this, bud. Hey, do you bunker?

Oh, bro. You don't have to tell me, you know what I mean? But, like, Bunker buddy would never knock on Zambunca. Gotcha, gotcha. All right, man. We'll check in. We'll check in.

There's banging at the back door. Excuse me, I have the customers. No, hey, no, no, no. I can help them. Oh, okay. You go to the back door, you hear, Let us in, let us in, let us in, let us in. But they all happen at the same time.

Cool. No. Move on. Go ahead. Hey, how full is the place tonight? Beer, you got a lot of folks in there? There is nobody here. I sense everybody home because people are sort of, like, going around the street,

like a mindless horde of zombies, which we do have here, but I do not think they are zombies. Yeah. And I'm not mindless. I'm simply undead. Sorry, that's a really smart zombie that was there. What? A smart zombie that is there?

There was a really smart zombie who was into you calling him. It is Rob Zombie, actually. He was finishing Sunday's crossword in record time. Yeah. He just put brains in every spot, though. Yeah. That's so rude. Zombie Ken Jennings got really upset at you.

Okay, listen, Pierre, there's some folks we need you to try to get word to. If you could help us out, we're going to try to fix this and kill Dracula and take his teeth. Oh Excellent Yeah, cool, man I knew you'd be down But he's at the castle So I do not know

Why you are on here That's a different one Yeah There's lots of them Isn't that fun Yeah That's a conspiracy theory You and I can get into later

There's more than one Dracula By the way Dracula Could it could be It can It is Watch this video To discover 16 shocking truths About Dracula

There's more of them Is Avrolavine Is Avrilavine But Dracula's many Dracula Yeah that's true man they keep replacing him. Whoa. I mean, no, this is, you're saying it did it.

That, this is happening. Yeah, it's hard to believe, but it's true. They're cloning Dracula, Pierre. They're cloning Dracula, man, can you believe it? No, stop saying like that. Whoa, man. You're stealing crudency. Too weird, but it's true.

Whoa. Look at this blurry footage we took. Whoa. It's clear as day. Whoa. And you hear pounding at the back door. And you just hear, we're gonna get your eyes. We're gonna kick the door.

Okay, I go back, I go to the door and I kick it into them off its hinges. Fuck, yeah, all right. Fucking, I try to deal with you guys. Yeah, absolutely. Give me a, give me a strength check. Nine, okay. Yeah, you kick the back door, but the deadbolt is still on, and so it doesn't really. Ow!

Yeah, unlock the door. Sorry, I lock the door. Oh. The good thing is, I get two attacks. Yeah. Unlock it first. Okay. Do you unlock it first or do you attack it with the locks still engage?

Okay. Here's what I do. I try the knob and then once they notice that I've tried the knob, then I kick it on Tentius again. Cool. One more, give one more streak check, please. There it is. 17 plus 320. You boot open the back door of the ghostlight hub, sending it.

careening into this row of barbershop quartet singers. You catch everyone but the tenor with it as the door goes flying outwards and smashes the three, the barbershop bass, baritone, and lead. They go down as they hit the wall. The tenor looks at you and looks scared and you hear him shout, They're right! Everyone roll for initiative. Maximum Fun.

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