The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 27

Episode Date: July 18, 2024

The monster hunters must fight carefully for both themselves and their unwitting opponents as the entire city of Lumineaux turns against them. Mutt gets insulted. Phileaux gets mocked. Godwin whiffs a bunt. Additional Music in this Episode: "Instrumental Mystic Song for Paranormal Videos" by UNIVERSFIELD: https://freesound.org/people/UNIVERSFIELD/. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear diary, Today, after returning from a little midday feeding, sash, I found myself locked at a luminos tower. Victor explained that in the future, all you have to do is cut the power to the electromagnetic lock at these four junction points around the neighborhood. Here is a handy little map of those spots, just for my future reference.

I said, Isn't this a considerable security vulnerability? And he was like, well, just don't tell anybody. God, I hope nobody ever finds this journal. The three of you are standing in the ghost light pub with Pierre Reynolds. And the city of Lumino is looking for you. You can hear footsteps down alleyways. You can see the unconscious.

bodies of three of the four barbershop quartet singers who came pounding on your door. Through that door in the windows on the western side of the ghostlight pub, things are alight, both with the flames licking off of the wreckage of Dracula and also the amber searchlight, which is shooting downward in a golden column right outside the door of the pub. Let's roll for initiative. Yeah. Travis, I did, I took your suggestion. I got a big dry erase board for this one.

Yeah, hell yeah, dude. To help keep track of things. And I get to do little doodles with like Ziggy and shit. Yeah, you can write all your promise keeper notes up there. Yeah. Some of my favorite Bible verses. Some of your chastity plans? I'm a 10 initiative.

The plan seems easy to write down, doesn't it? 17. Don't. Don't. Okay. Do you still have your promise rings, guys? What? Do you still have your promise rings?

I never had a promise ring, Dan. Dad, I kept my promise at least twice. Two kids, two promises kept. Okay. I still wear my promise ring, but not where you think. Gross. All right. It's not fair when I do jokes for so.

long that Trous has started to go up with a better one. What a rip off. To set up what you all are seeing for our listeners at home, you have a pretty good lay of the land thanks to Dracula's incredible map. I don't see the car. What's right? The car? Okay, so I couldn't find like a wrecked. It's like a Ford Focus or something. It's like a wrecked. There's like a flaming A yoran. A flaming Hyundai. One tire is burning. One tire. Okay, you can see here around this map of the neighborhood.

There are four junction points powering the door to Lumino Tower, holding it locked tight. This is a very big battle map, and we'll try and explain sort of how things are going and not just rely completely upon it. But first in the order is Lady Godwin. Oh, man. I'm going to try to... What happened with the other three of these-a-vis their living scenario? They're alive. You smashed them backwards when you kicked the door into them.

They went flying, collided with the wall behind them. I'm going to try to non-letally smack this guy's head into the wall. The last barbershop tenor here? The last barbershop dude. Okay. Go ahead and make an attack roll for me. You got it, Griff. Attack them good.

I did. It's a 22. Hell yeah. Yeah, 22 absolutely hits. And you have specified non-lethal damage here. Yeah. Okay. Go ahead and roll damage.

For an arm's, or like it's just always four. Oh, I guess that's right. Okay. Because it's like, it's just your fat. It's just your fat hand. It does the same shit. It does the same shit every time. Four is exactly.

You've been hit by someone's hand. It's like that. It's about a four. Four is exactly how many hit points, Barbershop, Tinner had. these these these as you sort of gently how many awake points right yeah how many awake points they had as you sort of smash your fat hand into this guy's head he drops like a sack of bricks and it it it sort of dawns on you that while the people here seem to be under remote control from count dracula they do not

possess any special you just punched a singing man and knocked him clean out I slapped her with my fat head. That'll do it every time. Okay, you have a little bit of movement left. You've got like 10 more feet, so like two more squares here. Is there a direction you would like to move? All of these threats have been knocked out. Yeah, I'm heading west to the lightning bolt.

Okay. Down this alley? Is this an alleyway? This is an alleyway. I feel like I feel like I'm there. Yeah. I wanted to say, Gryph lately, this has been

the closest, this has been playing video games, and I just want to thank you for that. This is the closest I've had to having fun. Yeah. During the Adventure Zone, I want to say thank you. It's easier to pretend I'm playing video games than ever before.

I want to thank you for that. Yeah, sure. It's my pleasure, man. No, that's a hundred points. That's 100 points. Just then. Whoa. Yeah, man. Let me write that on the...

It was like you ate a pretzel, Justin, or a cherry. Or drank a jolt cola I'm giving you all I'm giving you all warning now next time I run an arc I'm going to be scoring each of you and I will not reveal that to the end and this will be your only warning

right now I've added a little score for Justin down here in the corner he's got 100 so far okay good now I'm having fun next in the order is

the four piece string band you can see through the fires of the Hyundai Alantra you can see four stringed instrument players. You can tell that's what they are because they're holding their shit. A violinist, a cellist, a bassist, and a banjoist. They begin...

I think it's pronounced dork. I think it's actually banjoner. Banjovi. A banjovi. The bassist and banjoists split off, making their way west. The violinist and cellist are going to sprint off towards the right. The central alley now blocked by this car, they feel like executing a temporal pincor, or I guess just a regular pincer maneuver.

Next in the order is Philo. Well, I think Philo is going to beat feed and follow Lady Godwin. Okay, with your move, you were able to get sort of right next to her in the alley. You still have your action. You could dash if you want to move double speed. you could, you know, cast a spell, you could do whatever else you want. You know what? I've never dashed. Let's dash.

We've never given a shit about move speed before. Okay. Let me do a dash. You do a dash. Wait, we've got dashes in this game, too. Now I'm getting excited. Can we double jump? You haven't unlocked a double jump yet.

Damn it. I've probably got 200 points for that, didn't I? Okay, Griffin Munt rolls into a ball and shits out a bomb. Holy shit. That would be so cool. Okay, as you turn the corner, you see some figures. They are illuminated by this glowing brass orb with little windows of yellow light inside of it that is in the middle of this sort of back alley clearing. You see a man wearing a sort of ruffled neck piece.

You see a young woman with a blue woman with a blue collar. black turtleneck on. You see a man holding a script that he seems to be jotting notes on. And you see a bee poet who's actively doing bee poetry in this clearing surrounding the brass orb. You still have some movement here. You could try to hide. You could do whatever else you want. But as you turn the corner, you make out these four figures.

I am going. going to use a spell. I'm going to use disguise self. Oh, this is the terrible cost of dashing. You did dash.

No one stops to think, but dashing is your action. Oh, that's right. Dashing is so fun, but it comes to the terrible price. A horrible, unbearable price. If I am only...

At the end of the dash, you must stand and stare at whatever confronts you. That's the whole thing. or prize of bash. Okay. You do have bonus action though. If you have a bonus action you'd like to take. Well, yeah, of course.

I will, I'm going to cast Healing Word on myself, which is one of my bonus actions. Yes, you took some damage when you crashed your Toyota. So in these people's lives, what happened is Pinocchio ran up real fast. Yeah, appeared in front of them, saw the four of them, and then said, uh-oh.

He healed himself. Okay, you are back up to full, right? Yep, sure does. Amazing. Okay. Also, last choice I want you to make here. Do you want to stay where you are? You're sort of in the front of the Allaway and front of Lady Godwin, or do you want to back behind Lady Godwin?

You still have movement. You still have like 20 feet of movement. I think I want to stay in front. Okay. Next in the order is... Next in the order is the actors The beat poet is going to run up And is going to try to beat your ass

Filo You see she Lifts up a big boot and tries to bring it down on you And 18 hit AC Yeah, yeah, sure does I didn't mean to make that sound like a question It was sort of a weird way to say 18 hit AC

And you take 10 for good buddy Three points of bludgeoning damage. Okay, the actor is going to cast vicious mockery on you. Yeah, they do that. Make a wisdom saving throw. Wisdom saving? Yes.

Twelve. Insufficient. You take two points of psychic damage and have disadvantage on the next attack roll you make before the end of your next turn. The ingenue and dramaturge. they're just going to pull out crossbows and try to shoot at you, Philo, as you are the only one exposed. 12 versus AC does not hit, I think. Does not. What tie goes to the runner?

Oh, yes. Yep. Okay, then at 12 does hit. You are then shot with a crossbow. Oh, that was the runner? No, the runner is the one attack. If I was getting shot out with crossbows, I'm running. That's a really good point, Travis.

That is two points of piercing damage, and the ingenue shoots a nine, which is not going to do it. But okay, next in the order is mutt. Dido, how tall are the buildings in town? Well, let's see. The Ghostlight Pub is, I think, probably a two-story building. There is a staircase in here if you wanted to get up to the second story. I mean, you're in the theater district, right? So it kind of varies wildly.

Some buildings are enormous. I'm talking about these buildings, like, across the way. Yeah, those are just, I would say, single-story, little buildings, so 10 feet up, you know. Okay, great. I'm going to use the slumped over barbershop guys as a boost and get up onto the roof. Okay, so out the Western door and jump up onto the roof of the buildings to the west of you. Correct.

Fantastic. Give me a, I think this would be acrobatics check to get up here. I will make it lower than usual since you've jumped off some men. Okay. 16 plus 4 A gentleman's 12 Yeah easy

You scamper up On to the roof Just as part of your movement You have like a couple more squares You can go Okay I'm going to cast Zephyr Strike

Oh shit, okay And take a shot At the one that stepped up to The beat poet Yeah that stepped up to Philo Okay I don't think that's gonna do it It's terrible.

No, a two does not, whatever you add. I do get two attacks, so I'm going to just go again with that there crossbow. Sure thing. As a normal strike? Oh, shit. That's a 90. That's a crit. Okay, fantastic.

Go ahead and roll double damage. Is this not, let's establish also, non-lethal or? Yeah, I'm trying to like pin them to the wall with the crossbow wounds. You know what I mean? Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Grizzly. A, nine.

Jesus Christ. Plus, there's. 21 points? Yeah, yeah, dog. Yeah. Your bolt shoots them and it hits them in the shoulder. They fly upwards, spin through the air, and crash into some barrels.

And they are out of commission. Okay, cool. Thanks to Zephyr strike, I also get to move another 30 feet. Oh, wow. Fuck yeah. So I'm going to position myself closer to the front of the roof near the power breaker thing. Okay, perfect. Next thing in the order is Pierre.

He is just going to run over to the eastern side of his building and start barricading the door. Okay. Next in the order is the searchlight. The search light is one, two, three, four, five. It's got all of you in it. Okay, I need all of you to make a dexterity saving throw, please. Dexterity. I do appreciate you staying all club together like this.

14. The searchlight thanks you. 18 plus 7, 25. I think I have advantage on these. You do. You have advantage on dangers you can see, which like for sure. Yeah. So dexterity saving.

My guys are being kind of hinky too. Woof. No. That's an 11 and a nat one. So Godwin and Philo. You both feel your skin start to sizzle. But, again, with this sort of superhuman reflexes when it comes to not getting burned by powerful solar radiation, you manage to just sort of pull your jacket up. I'm wearing S. BF. 35.

Yeah, exactly, right? I don't, listen. I was raised outdoors, man, I'm not going out without my sunscreen. No way. Philo and Godwin, you both take four points of radiant damage. I have to point out that I don't have skin. You're a wood. You're a furnished deal.

burnable material. Yeah, my paint peels. Yeah, your paint peels a little bit, but it's health paint. Okay, next in the order. How many points of health paint do I lose? Four points of paint health. Next in the order is Godwin.

Fantastic. Do I... They're pretty well distracted. I'm going to get around Philo and join the fray there in the middle of the fray. Do I... Do I see a clear, like, electric thing?

Is there a big button? Yes, so this brass orb in the center of the clearing here, is blue sort of shape here in the middle, is definitely the kind of like a conduit. I'm going to, I'm going to chuck my javelin at that thing in the hopes that it'll explode and hit them all with electricity. Where are you standing when you do this? Far enough away, you're not going to talk about it again.

Got it. Okay. Go ahead and make an attack roll against the conduit. Oh. Man, Narts. No, with a nine, your javelin is flying towards the orbit. It looks like it's about to smash into one of the small circular windows in it, but it is slowly rotating. You mistime it, and it bounces off the brass instead.

And while I was describing what happened, you did roll again. It's a 12. No, with a 12 also. Damn it. Boy, that must look quite comical to all parties. I'm glad everyone enjoyed that. I believe you are raging. So I do, I think you get a bonus attack if you want to do it.

Wait, hold on. Yeah, one more. Wait, don't move. 22. Yeah, okay, with a 22, you finally dialed it in. You chuck the jack. Avalin and Bullseye. It smashes straight into one of those small circular windows on the conduit.

That's what she says to after the third one hits, Bullseye. First try. First try. Okay. It explodes. Amber energy crackles out of it and tears across some of the buildings in this back alleyway. The dramaturg is hit by the lightning and goes down. the actor and ingenue are able to save.

You have disabled one of the junction points here. Do when the junction point is disabled, do I notice any change in the two remaining townspeople? Give me a perception check or an insight check. Perception's fine, 18. You don't notice any change in the actor and the enchanu, which you can see. You can also kind of make out the bassist and banjoist down this alleyway. They are definitely heading in your direction, too.

You do notice the searchlight seems to be a little dimmer now, the one that is still actively shining on the three of you. Next in the order is the four piece strings. Okay, the bassist and banjoists are going to waste no time. They're going to rush down. Basis smashes his base down. 13 versus AC. Against whom? Lady Godwin, the only one who is.

Mutt is up on the roof, so not in striking distance. 14 is based. Okay, somehow this basest misses hitting you with his base. His giant base. Yeah, with a base. The banjoist, that is a 21 versus AC, which is going to do it. He brings it down fucking kibong style right on that dome. You take seven points of bludgeoning damage.

And you hear, baudalong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong, bong. Unless you are doing that with your action, Filo, it is your turn. No, no. Things have gotten very congested here in the alleyway. Yes. You have taken out one of the four junction points around the neighborhood. Um, okay. Brother Philo is going to drink one of his flying elixirs.

Fantastic. And you just put it in your mouth slot and it just gooshes down into the street. Whips out one of the vials from his belt, pops the cork, catches the cork. Callows his own tiny body. Drinks the flight potion and flies. Northwest. Over the building. Over the building.

Yeah, so you have 30 points, right, of movement, 30 feet of movement? Mm-hmm. You can just get to the rooftop of the first building here in the Northwest quarter. Believe it or not, he's walking on air.

Never thought he would feel so deep. And then I'm going to dash. All right, Trout. Thank you. We're not going to clear that. I just couldn't finish it. Yeah.

Who could be, believe it or not, it's Philo. Okay. I'm going to dash to the corner of the building of the rooftop and stay there. Right there? Yep. Okay. You now being in this sort of like complete other block of the city are able to make out a few more figures who are out and on the hunt for you. The first, you see a giant of a man holding a small grinder box,

and he's got a little monkey sitting on his shoulder, standing guard at the second, at the center sort of junction point in the city. You also see, and this is huge, standing right in front of the door to Lumino Tower, I think even though you grew up in a monastery and are sort of, of unexposed to city living, even you are aware of the fantasy pop star known as Jeremy Pipes. And Jeremy Pipes is here. And he is under Dracula's control and standing for Aluminow Tower. He looks amazing.

Except he doesn't seem to have his usual charismatic glow because he is being sort of mind-controlled. He is standing sentry here at Luminow Tower. Okay, that is all of your actions. Next in the order is the actors. Let's see. So the actor and ingenue are, let me think. I think the actor is going to try and climb up some barrels to where you are on the roof, mutt.

Okay. And the ingenue is going to- Feels like that would give me an opportunity attack, right? Yes, absolutely. take an opportunity attack against the actor he definitely exposes himself to you. Oh, well, that's gross. Not like, but not like his, not weiner-wise.

This is 17 plus 9-26. Yes, that is a hit. Are you hitting him with Scalibor? I'm going to hit it to one of those barrels is what I'm going for. It's a 9 plus 413. I think this would be a melee attack, right? Because he is up right next to you. Okay.

We can still take. the roll, I'm just saying the damage that you do is going to be. Okay, yeah. So then what I'm trying to like knock loose the like gutter or shingles or whatever that they're climbing. Great. Yeah. Cool. Roll damage. Man, your dice are fucked up. Yeah, man. Three plus one, four. Okay, with a four, you smash, you smash the gutter. You get his hand with just the hilt of Scalibur. and he falls back down and crashes into the barrels and he is out. Sorry. Sorry, man. Are you okay?

The ingenue looks up at you and says, Hey. Stupid hair. And cast fish is more free. Make a wisdom saving throw. Yeah, it doesn't make any sense. But that's why it makes it so fucking mean and bad. Why do I keep clicking those dice? I don't know, man.

Hey, uh, it, Traff, Mutt. There's an instant where you do think Maybe that's why I wear the hat. Is that why I wear this fucking hat all the time? Do I have stupid hair? You take four points of psychic damage and you will have disadvantage on your next attack roll until the end of your next term.

Next in the order is butt. I don't have to stand here and take this, man. I'm going to jump over here. I'm going to comb my hair. I'm going to jump over to the roof to the north. Trying to make my way to like the square there, the town square. Make an acrobatics check is an easy one. It's five feet.

Good. Okay. 16 plus four. Yeah. We. You don't even jump. You don't just jump the gap. You jump like extra.

That's how cool and good it is. You make it onto the roof of the building to the north here. And you said you're going to make your way towards town square. Yeah. How close can I get? to the big man with the monkey. I mean, are you going to jump down off the roof and go in for a melee attack? Or are you staying at crossbow distance?

No, I'm trying to get close to them. I'm going to get in melee distance. I mean, you can't do that with this movement, because you will have jumped across a pit and then jump down from a roof, and that's already sort of over your move speed. I would say you can get to where you are right now with the move action that you have. That is six squares way. I see. And if I dash, like, that's the thing, right?

That's the thing. Okay, hold on. Let me look. Okay, I'm going to cast Zephyr's strike again. Okay. On who are you attacking? On the big man with the monkey. Okay.

And shoot my bow. Okay. My crossbow. I mean, I did it. It's a miss, but I still get the extra 30 feet anyways. Okay, great. So I can run in closer. And then use your additional attack?

Is that what you were doing? And then use my additional action with Scaliber. Uh, uh, yeah, trying to hit the big man with like the flat of the sword or the hill or whatever. Knock him out. Go right ahead. 14 plus 4.18. 18 hits. Roll damage.

7 plus 1. Uh, uh, uh, uh, so 8. a radiant slapping hilt radiant slapping radiant bonking damage Okay you you sort of pull it back right not to

so is not to kill this big man and smash him with radiant damage with the hilt of your blade as you smash the blade into this guy you see you leave like a little burn mark where where their sword touched and he kind of looks down at it almost amused

he says I don't know why he sounds like a horse. He swings backwards and is going to smash you with his grinder box. Oh, man. Yes, that is a 25 versus AC. Yeah. Uh-huh. Okay.

25? Yes. 25. Wow. I'm going to take 12 points of bludgeoning damage. 50. And make a dexterity saving. throw. Okay, hold on. I'm still taking the damage. I'm still reeling for the damage, Griffin.

Dexterity saving throw. Yeah. 17 plus seven. Okay. When he smashes you, you slide backwards on your heels five feet, but you manage to keep your footing. You do not go down. That is his turn. Next is Jeremy Pipes. Jeremy Pipes holds up a microphone and screams. This one's fire! And he casts firebolt on you. On me?

16 versus AC. But I'm your biggest fan, Jeremy. I'm actually not. It doesn't seem like it. Yeah. Yeah, that hits. Okay, you take nine points of fire. boy.

Zero smashed with a firebolt. Next in the order, you can hear in the distance the cellist and violinists trying to smash down the door that Pierre Reynolds is blockading on the other side of the ghost light pub. Next in the order is the searchlight. I think the searcher is going to stay on you,

Lady Godwin. It sees a lot of activity happening down here. The other two have kind of scattered, and and go ahead and roll a dexterity saving throw for me with advantage, Lady Godwin. 12 and a 4. Like the 12. Yeah, the 12 is my pick. The 12 does not succeed.

Despite this light growing somewhat dimmer, that is insufficient. You are going to take five points of radiant damage. And it is your turn. Still up here against you. You have the banjuist, bassist, and ingenue. You have shattered the orb down in this quarter, though, and you still have 100 points. I'm making a break to the north. Okay, both.

I know there'll be a couple of attacks of opportunities. Yes, that's fine. The bassist and banjuiced are going to definitely take swings at you as you sort of sidle up against the wall and try to push past them. The basest is going to hit with the 19th. team versus AC and bonks you with his big base for three points of bludgeoning damage. The banjoist is also... Definitely out of tune now, though. So who really loses?

The banjoist is also going to take a swing and crit fails. So that is not going to do it. That's just like a banjoist. Trying to fight somebody. Okay, you have... That's what happens when you bring a banjo to an axe fight? Absolutely. You have like five more spaces here.

You can move. Yeah, I'm just heading north. Straight north, okay. And you are able to sort of get up here with mud. Great. You still have action you can take. Yes. Who's the fellow with the monkey?

What's my read on him when I see him? He's huge and considerably stronger. Could I take him? Mm-hmm. I mean, he is bigger than you are. You did just see him lay out mutt with a single blow from his mighty grinder box. I got him right where I want him. And he seems to be far sturdier than the other sort of citizens here who you have handily knocked, knocked out.

You do also, holy shit, Lady Godwin. Oh my God. Across the way, behind the conduit, right in front of Luminow Tower. Is that Jeremy fucking Pipes? Oh, my! I got a plan for the big guy if he want to take care of pipes. Hey, what's up, old lady? I don't usually like ladies as old as you are, but what's going on, girl?

I would sooner shatter a stained glass window. I'd go back to business. Okay, good news for you. And I pointed the grinder. And I said, you look like a big enough boy that you'll recover from this nicely. And I'll throw a javelin at his leg. I have to assume you picked up the javelins. cooped up the javelins, that was implied.

While the bassist of Benjus were trying to smash you, you just like leaned over. Actually, you don't have to pick up the javelin because it automatically returns to your hands. Oh, cool. Yeah, that's right. Magic javelin. Okay, make an attack roll against the organ grinder, please.

Oh. 20. 20 hits. I work very hard on those infusions. We've never discussed what your infusions really look like in physical space. final I always just assumed it was a kind of grease. Just a kind of grease you put on it.

Yeah, it is. It's the word. Okay. Roll damage? Six. Okay. You catch him square in the thigh with a javelin. He looks down at it like that really funny scene in Ace Ventura, and then he looks back up at you.

When he looks down at it is when I throw the javelin again, right at the top of his head. Oh, shit. Okay. Non-leafely. Non-leafely. Yeah, I'm throwing. in the blunt end. Yeah.

You're throwing it horizontally at it. I'm bunting. Roll and attack roll, please. Got greedy. Got greedy. You did.

It's 11. This one just kind of, you miss, just fully. The javelin goes sailing over him and lands in the street. And then it returns to your hand. That is true.

Stabbing him on the way back. Yeah, he returns through his chest. You still have one more attack roll If you want to take your rage bonus Attack the tower I got a plan for him Yeah

Yeah you gotta Oh you gotta plan Oh okay boss No I'm just saying I'm sorry to mess up your schemes I'm gonna get him to help us Yes I can see you had this completely under control I didn't plan on getting crashed with the thing

I've upset your delicate balance Puppetmaster There was a couple of elements so maybe didn't plan for it. I throw the javelin at the sphere. Okay, make an attack roll. And it's a natural 20. Holy shit, yes.

It gets wedge right into one of those little gaps in the windows. And again, you send arcing bolts of amber electricity zooming around this clearing. I need mutt and you to make a dexterity saving throw. This conduit is much larger and seems to be pumping out a lot more of this electricity. I rolled a one. Okay, that's... But I'm going to try it again. I got a 17 total.

Luckily, my danger sense gives me a 15. Okay. Narrowly avoiding it. You two just split, right? You take like one little step away from each other as a volt of electricity. A bolt just zips between you and explodes the wall behind you. The organ grinder does not save. And Jeremy Pipes does save.

He's so fucking smooth. The mud. The mud. Did you see that? Which one? After my javelin pierced it and it returned to me. I feel like some of its power is imbued into me now. And the javelin.

We've both grown more powerful through the magic we've absorbed. Make a Constitution saving throw, Lady Godwin. Stupid. stupid, stupid big mouth. 19 plus 5. As you grab it, some of the power did come back. And as you touch the javelin,

it shoots up through your body. But luckily, you are grounded. And so you are not fried with the electricity stored in the javelin as it instantly discharges. Never mind. It was a passing, passing thing. Okay. After taking that hit from the bolt,

the organ grinder appears to be doing not so great. From the eastern alley, you see four new figures hop into the fray. It is hard to detect their presence at first because they are being so, so, so quiet as four mimes. Oh, not mimes. And begin making their way towards you. Next in the order is Philo. Um, how big is the gap? Five feet.

Okay. If you're jumping to the building to the north, it's five feet. I'm jumping to the building to the north. Okay. Is flight only the one turn? No, actually, I don't know, Dad. Oh. How long does it last?

I think it might be like a minute. For one hour. Yeah, you're good, man. Well, then I can go zooming over. Yeah, sure. Okay, so I'm going to zoom over. Okay. To that corner.

The northwest corner? Mm-hmm. Okay. As you reach the edge of this rooftop, you see some figures standing here in this clearing. They are holding all manner of physical sort of traditional art supplies. You see one has, is holding a vase in one hand and a little knife in the other. You see one who is just like covered in paint and doing like weird movements with her body. You see a man holding a large, large camera.

And another man standing against the alleyway painting a picture. You see a quartet of visual artists in the corner. You still have your move, the rest of your move, and an action. You can move two more spaces here. I'm going to stay where I am. I'm going to cast a spell. I'm going to shoot Melf's. Acid arrow at the device.

Okay, cool. Here, these four visual artists look up and see a flying puppet appear in the distance. You see a thought sort of crossed their minds of like, what the fuck are we doing? As an acid arrow zooms past them and attempts to hit the conduit. Go ahead and make an attack roll, please. Spell attack roll. No. Nine.

With a nine. You see that it misses. It hits a barrel behind the sculptor here, out of which begins to ooze a sort of stinky, dark liquid. It's not oil or anything cool or useful. It's just there's a barrel of stinky juice back here, and you upset it. That is your action. As that happens, all of the visual artists look up at you with identical malice. They hate puppetry that much?

Not the performance artist He's ba-b-b-b-b-p-ba-ba-la-l loved it. Then can I do a bonus action? Yes, you may. Okay, now I'm going to cast Healing Word. Okay. On myself. Healing word.

Yeah, you took quite a bit of damage and you got jumped in crime alley back there. That would be four. I heal up four. Okay. Next in the order is the theater troupe, the only remaining member of which is the ingenue who's going to come up this way.

She reaches the end of this alleyway, looks at you, Godwin, and she says, how come your head's so much older than the rest of you? Make a wisdom saving throw. Oh, to come up with a snappy retort. She is casting vicious mockery at you. So, yeah. 18.

18 saves. Because I'm rich. Okay, she looks startled by your quick retort. Next in the order is, um, mutt. Hey, big man, what's your name? Um, give me an insight check, please. Okay. To figure out his name? Is it like Rumble Stiltskin?

Uh, 16. With a 16, I think the organ grinder just looks down at you and says, Dracula. Oh, I see. Okay, man, cool. I was kind of hoping it would be kind of that way. I didn't, anyways. The ingenue is not like that?

I mean, the ingenue might be saying the stuff that she's saying as Dracula. You didn't ask the ingenue her name. I reach out and I grabbed the grinder's wrist. Okay. And I cast protection from good and evil. Interesting. Oh. Hmm.

It's, uh, it, uh, the, let's see, the target can't be charmed, frightened or possessed by them. If the target has already charmed, charmed to frighten or possess, uh, the target has advantage on saving throws. So, I mean, I'm trying to break the possession. Okay. Then we'll do this like this. Uh, I think this will force a saving throw for the organ grinder with advantage. Uh, you go ahead and roll it.

This is just a flat D20. he is trying to break the thrall of Count Dracula, so he needs a 15 or better to beat it. What'd you get? I got a 16. A 7 and a 16. With a 16, okay. You see the bolts in the side of this organ grinder's neck.

They begin to glow somewhat brightly, and then the light that you can now tell is like gently suffusing all of the bolts and all the necks of all the people you've seen here so far, just goes out and he shakes his head and he looks up at you and he says my name is Tyler cool man hey Tyler my name's Crawford Mudder you call me my everybody does you've been possessed by Dracula man and everybody here in town is possessed by Dracula um we need to get into lumino tower to stop him so could you help us out with that man

you want me to kill Jeremy pipes whoa hey that's a big jembourg He cracks his huge knuckles. Well, okay. Hey, how about some do you not kill, man? What do you say? Sure thing, squish. That's the sound my eye makes when I wink it at people. Oh, okay.

No, go away. No, that's still not good, Tyler. The organ grinder is his turn. He is going to, well, actually, you still have quite a bit of movement, if you would like to go somewhere else. But you have succeeded in winning the organ grinder over to your side. Okay, don't kill him, okay? Bye.

Since 2017 maximum film has had the same slogan. The podcast, that's not just a bunch of straight white guys. Ooh, we've learned something over the years. Some people out there really do not like that slogan. Listen, we love straight white guys. Well, some of them. But if there's one thing we can't change, it's who we are. I'm Ify, a comedian who was on strike last year in two different unions.

I'm Dreia. I've been a producer and film festival programmer for decades. And I'm Alonzo, a film critic who literally wrote the book on queer Hollywood. You can listen to us talk movies and the movie biz every week on Maximum Film. We may not be straight white guys, but we love movies, and we know what we're talking about. Listen to Maximum Film on Maximum Fun or wherever you listen to podcasts. Oh, darling, why won't you accept my love?

My dear, even though you are a Duke, I could never love you. You, you borrowed a book for me and never returned it. Save yourself from this terrible fate by listening to Reading Glasses. We'll help you get those borrowed books back and solve all your other reader problems. Reading Glasses every Thursday on Maximum Fun. What am I going to do? To this point, let's just to catch up everybody and the audience, you have taken out quite a few artists here in the city. You have taken out two of the four sort of junction points that you need to destroy in order to access Lumino Tower.

Brother Philo's in the northwest with the visual artist. There is still one sphere to the northeast that no one has approached. Okay, I'm going to leave the Mimes and the Jeremy situation for, this is my band, the Jeremy situation for Lady God wanted to deal with. And I'm going to head northeast toward the remaining orb thing. Okay, you were able to get just around the corner of this building here. and next in the order

you all hear a loud crash and you hear the voice of two people shout out as you hear this crash mutt from where you are standing let's actually put you right here from where you're standing you can see down the alley

to the eastern exit from the ghost light pub you see over there the cellist and the violinist have just been knocked down as the eastern door has been smashed outwards. From it, you see a figure come racing out into the street to confront the mimes around the corner. It is not Pierre Reynolds, at least not as you have known him, because the entity that has come out of that building is, enormous and quite furry and quite ferocious you see

where bear pier Reynolds where bear pier looks up at you hell yeah dude hell yeah fucking love it man that rules you got this salmon

what you got any salmon I think it was salmon yeah take out them moms I'll buy you all the salmon you want, dude. Fuck yeah. Ponsor! Okay, next in the order is

Jeremy Pipes. And actually, the organ grinder is up first. The organ grinder and Jeremy Pipes are going to engage in combat. Finally. Jeremy Pipes looks up at organ grinder and is like, Hey, girl, you gotta not hit me. Your hands are so big. but he does begin smacking on Jeremy Pipes.

These two. They've been beefing for a while now. He gets knocked down by the organ grinder's huge box. The monkey jumps on top of Jeremy Pipes and begins scratching at him. Not the face. Jeremy Pipes in retaliation fires a firebolt back at the organ grinder, who is knocked backwards. and his tunic set ablaze,

the monkey continues scratching Jeremy Pipes in protest. They are both still up. Next, in the order, is Lady Godwin, the wondering eye of the searchlight peers downward at you. It is, once again, it's getting dimmer as these conduits go down. But you still feel a crackling. searing on your skin as it turns to you, make a dexterity saving throw, please. I got a six plus two is eight, and then the second one is a three plus two is five. So eight.

And eight is not sufficient. You feel this burning become quite unpleasant, and you take six points of radiant damage. As you are being sort of pushed downward by the force, of this radiant amber light from above. You hear a voice from around the corner of the alley in front of you. This voice says, well, well, well, it seems like you've upset the big man in the sky, haven't you, Lady Godwin? And as your eyes adjust to the amber light, you see a figure has come around the corner with three toadies behind her.

It is your social rival, Daphne Goodengold. She looks down at you and says, My goodness, it seems like maybe you should go into the shop for some repairs or perhaps an exchange might be in order. You look absolutely ghastly, dear. First of all, my eyes are up here. Secondly, you need to take a moment. This isn't you, it's not what you want.

The bridge clubbers behind her laugh and say, See, this was always your problem in the bridge club, Lady Godwin. You never knew when to fold when your hand was weak. I feel compelled to stop you, whatever you're doing, causing a terrible ruckus honestly, dear. You are a bull in a china shop, and we do love our China. Actually, I think if you remember, that was always your problem in bridge. You wanted to rebid the double when you really should have jumped raise the qubit.

And then I attack with Jennifer Myers. Okay, they are actually up next followed by you. Yeah, but they talked for so long. Yeah, that was kind of their turn. It's kind of irrelevant. Okay. That was not free action territory. Daphne Good and Gold rushes you with the three bridge clubbers in tow.

The three bridge clubbers run to surround you and all pull out tiny little knives. And they are going to take three attacks at you. First one is a 13 versus AC. 19 versus AC hits. You take two points of piercing damage as one of them. Gets you right in the buttock. The third one rolls a critic fail. That is not going to hit.

And then Daphne Goodengold pulls out a fine-looking rapier and stabs it downward at you. For 17 versus AC, which hits. She jabs this rapier down into your shoulder. It pierces clean through to the other side. You take six more points of piercing damage. All right. You are, however, up next. Which one of you bitches stabbed my ass?

The bridge clubber to your side looks very nervous. That was me. I chucked them into the power source. Okay. Give me an attack roll. Ooh. Chilling. Critical fail.

She kind of like just brushes your hands. Honestly, dear. Oh. I've never been so offended, my sensibilities. Okay, I'll take my second attack. Okay. Now, this is Jennifer Myers at her. I try to chuck the other one and I'm embarrassed, but we both had our fun.

So now I'm going to attack Daphne with Jennifer Myers. Okay, make an attack. I'm at her. The most mad at her. Sure. That's a 16 versus AC. That absolutely hits. That's excellent news.

I just can't get it going today. It's a five with Jennifer Myers. You slash Jennifer Myers and you catch her sort of across the torso, leaving a gash just under her right clavicle. And she looks up at you. Her pearls fall to the street. She looks up at you and says, my goodness, Lady Godwin, I know you've lost your body, but have you lost your good graces too? That's a 20? Are you attacking again?

Yeah, absolutely. That hits. Okay, that one's 10 damage. Oh, boy, yeah. With a 10 damage, you swing this battle axe back upwards at her as it crashes into the ground and knock her back five feet. She goes sort of... Shouldn't have dummied the no-trump on a discard finesse. I genuinely have always suspected you do not understand the rules of bridge. I, you're the declarer's partner. I guess that makes you the dummy.

The bridge clubbers all turn to look at Daphne Good and Gold and let out a chuckle. She says, how dare you? She is looking quite bad. She is bloodied. Next in the order is the theater troupe. The ingenue is going to sneak up. and she stays just outside of the spotlight. No, she doesn't.

What am I talking about? She jumps right into the middle of the spotlight and looks at you, Lady Godwin, and says, how come all your friends are so old? She hits you with Ficious Mocker again. Make a wisdom saving through, please. You got it. That is a five.

That is insufficient. You are going to take two points of psychic damage. and you will have disadvantage on your next attack role. Woof. Actually, I think we forgot about that in that last round, but I'll definitely remember this time. Next in the order is...

The mimes are going to engage Pierre Reynolds in combat down here in the corner. The four mimes have turned back away from the fight happening here at the Central District. Next in the order is Filo. Fylo, you are still looking down at the northwest quarter of... of this block.

You see in front of you the power conduit that you went wide with an acid arrow on and all of the visual artists here are looking up at you. It is your action, though. Okay. You know, you remember the old days when we played the game and just had fun? Oh, God.

You remember and just did wild stuff and didn't necessarily... Just make your opening offer, please. so I can counter it with something resembling logic. Oh, fantastic. Cool energy. Oh, no way, Dad, you want him to let you do what you want? Yeah.

Let's see. Let's see what's on the table, Matt. All right. Here's what we're going to do. Here's what you're going to suggest. I realize this is an uncomfortable reversal of the usual power dynamics between father and son.

I know. And you love it. Okay, here's the deal. Fylo is going to launch himself off the corner of the building. He can still fly. Has not been an hour. Agreed. Everything you've said so far?

Totally on the level. He's going to take a more hands-on approach to this orb. Okay. Okay. So he's going to fly over, over the heads of the creatures guarding it. land on the orb Okay

And using his artificer skills And his tinkerers tools Interesting, interesting Okay I don't hate this Is going to try to Disconnect No, no, he's going to try to overload

Okay, cool I love that What's that look like? What kind of tool are you using Do you have some sort of like car jump starting? I mean, you're a little guy, so I don't know how you carry a big bad. This is what is so weird about tool definitions in D&D 5E. There's not a lot of definition as to what they are. Sure, no, I'm asking you from a, from a narrative.

It's a, like what's it's, it's Jim Crackery. It's going to be a. Don't know what that is. I don't know what it is either. I just like the word Jim Crackery. Okay. No, it's like, um, it's probably, It's like a Phillips head.

Philip, Phillips head. Are you checking out Jim Crackery? Just a quick problem of it. It sounds so bad, man. Yeah. There's a lot that could, a lot of potential danger zones. A Philip.

Okay. I love a Phillips head screwdriver prying it into this cheap, showy, useless trifles, ornaments, and trinkets. Amazing. Okay, yeah. That's great. Good pull that. So you jam this Phillips head screwdriver.

Or sorry, Flathead, Phillips head? I think Flathead would probably work better. Better for prying, yeah. So you wedge that in underneath the sort of... But it's important to use the tools for what they're meant to be. It's not a... As I taught you. You know what I mean?

As I taught you. As you taught me, Dad. It's not a pry bar. It's screwed. Okay, so I think this is going to be... Get a pinkie. I think this is going to be either sleight of hand or Arcana, right? if you are doing something very dexterous with your hands,

I think it is slight of hand, but if you are like analyzing weaknesses in this object based on your sort of artificer knowledge and trying to exploit that, I think it would be Arcana. Let's go with Arcana. I'll do it. I'll do Arcana. Okay. Arcana, checking.

Arcana, 19. 19, yeah. I think with a 19, you easily just pop one of the windows off of this thing. The destruction is somewhat controlled. I would say that because of where you are on this orb on top of it, as the electricity shoots out of all these different sort of windows as they burst open, you are still going to need to dodge,

but I will give you advantage on the dexterity saving throw to get out of the way of this bolt of electricity. How about if I cast a spell? Can I do that? Shit, you know magic? Whoa, get out of town. If it's a spell that can be cast sort of instantly, Absorb elements. Hmm. That's the way it worked before.

I cast it. No, I know, but before it was a thing you set up in advance, right? And this is very much like... Yeah, true. True, true, true. Okay. Yes. You're being very accommodating.

I appreciate it. Thank you. I think so, too. Make a dexterity saving throw. Dexterity saving throw. Okay. Here comes my dexterity saving throw. That will be a nine.

You have advanced. advantage. And a... An 11. Put it in together, it's a dirty 20. Yes. You do not save. You feel like you are riding this bucking bronco as electricity is shooting out of it on all sides.

Okay. And it's going okay at first, and then you start to lose control of the yaw of this battery, and you slide off of it directly into a bolt. You take nine points of radiant damage as you are blasted backwards off the sphere. The only surviving member, the only one who made his save is the painter who... Find you so beautiful he asks you to pose. He takes a step to run away, just sort of his fear, his human fear, sort of overriding the controls. But he is stopped.

He bunks into the wall as his sort of body starts out. acting against its volition, and he is going to rush at you. He has, he's got a paintbrush, and he's going to try and stab you with the sharp end of it. That is a crit. He grits with his paintbrush stab. He jabs it right into your little doll eye for eight points of piercing damage. He looks surprised.

He looks down and says, at the, like, effectiveness of this attack. And he looks, he stands up a little bit straighter. Well, late, sir. He feels confident about himself for the first time. Next in the order. Next in the order is mutt. Mut, you have broken away from sort of the fracas here

as you approach the northeast quarter of the map. How are Philo and Lady Godin looking? strong like hip one was. I mean, Fylo has a paint... About half as strong as she normally like that. Fylo has a paintbrush sticking out of his eye.

Otherwise, he's looking okay, but you can't really see him from where you are. You have like a building and all of Luminow Tower between you and Fylo. Great, great, great. I've seen a lot of exes over there, Philo and nobody else but Pinocchio

doing a good job over there, pal. Okay, well, there's still a lot going on in the center of town. True. And there's a mass murder happened in the northwest, and nobody's concerned. Yeah.

This maniac puppet is just killing people. I'm going to summon a beast. Okay. A new knight of the realm that I'm going to send over to help Lady Godwin out in the center of town. Cool. And I'm going to summon an eastern gorilla. Okay, man. Listen, I read through it.

I choose to form. That's one of the options. I guess there is no. Okay. Oh, great, there is a, I just wanted to make sure there was a... Are you trying to tell me guerrillas ain't invented in Dracula times? No, I mean, clearly they are. There was a bodyguard at the warehouse.

Yes, you're right. So there is precedent. It says right here, the creature resembles an animal of your choice. Yeah. Were there any of the, like, dinosaur transformers there? Oh, good question. No, none of the dino transformers. in this one.

Okay, you create a gorilla and you can now see it on the map because World 20 gives me too much power. I am like a god. Kevin, I need you to go over, Sir Kevin, excuse me, need you to go over and you help out Lady Garwin,

okay? Of course, my liege. My life for your honor. Indeed. Perhaps I could be granted a fiefdom for this loyal service to the crime.

We'll see, man. Okay, how you do? A little non-committal, my liege. Well, no, losing. I'm open to the idea, man, but... You have, give me banana, yum-yam. Oh, yeah, no, definitely give banana yum- yum. Here you go, man.

I give him two bananas. He eats them the normal way. In two big lights. Dracula times. A normal, normal crunch. And then I'm going to continue towards the north-east corner while he goes down... Uh, yeah.

Down. What are you trying to get him to engage with? I'm sitting here down to her about Lady Godwin because she's surrounded by folks. And does he move on your turn after your turn? He moves after my turn. Okay. So I'll leave him here and you can command him later. Okay, where do you run up to?

You were right. I'm trying to get a look at what's going on in that northeast corner around the thing, preferably without being noticed. Without being noticed. Okay. give me a stealth check. So you try to creep. Yeah.

All right, creep. 15 plus 4, 19. Yeah, with a 19, you are able to, behind the silhouette of this giant, really, you will be able to get away. So you can move. You're just trying to get up in that northwest quarter? Yeah, I'm just trying to scope out

what kind of bad guys we're looking at up there. Okay. With six spaces, you are able to get right in there, right? You reach this clearing, and there is no one in there. Oh, sick. Is that the end of your turn? Yeah, that's my action, my movement. Yeah.

Next in the order. Is Kevin. Is Kevin? What do you have Kevin do? Sir Kevin is going to come. Sir Kevin's going to come running in And he's going to Throw a big barrel

That I assume is nearby Okay At the Toadies and Bridge Lady Okay So like thereish Into the middle of the group Sure man He picks up a barrel

And is going to make a range attack throw I'm going to say this is going to hit one right, or he can try to hit one as a thrown object. It doesn't explode or anything. So do you want him to aim at Daphne Goldengood or one of the bridge clubbers? Aim at Daphney Golden Good. No problem. You see Kevin, Sir Kevin, pick up a barrel and launches it.

And it sails through the air over the shattered conduit. So we got a 9 plus 7, 16. 16 hits. Lady Godwin, you see Daphne Golden Good, who is sort of already on her last leg, stand up and say, your membership to the Lumino Yacht Club is hereby revoked. And then a big, big barrel comes flying through the air and smashes in on her, sending her crashing to the cobblestone street below, and she is unconscious.

The other bridge clubbers at this Look at her and then look back at you And they seem a bit shaken Listen to me This is not the time to revoke your opening lead You may have a losing trick count right now But trust me if you hold on to your LHO RHO keep them all where you want them

Soon you'll be the declarer, no longer the dummy Uh, make a persuasion check with me. I will contest it as Dracula. I've rolled a 13. Dracula rolled a 5 plus 6 for an 11. Yes. The ladies... My bullshit was just good enough.

The bridge clubbers look at you, Lady Godwin. They look at the broken frame of their former sort of social alpha and then recognizing a leader when they see one. They look at each other and then they reach up and they just rip the bolts out of their neck. Yeah. And they die.

And then immediately all three of them are like, Oh, fuck. Now listen, the three of you have to act fast. You must go down and finish off that. Because of the blood loss? No, no, we get you patched up. I have a magical puppet, but listen, you have to go finish off Daphne before it's too late.

What? She won't be uncultuous for long. She told, listen. Are you listening? She told me in confidence that she was all doing it for herself, and Dracula wasn't even involved. She said, I'm just wild for this. She's been turned evil, and you have to finish her. It looks like she went all in on the wrong trick hand. Yes, she did overcall a bit on the response. And now I'm calling up your contract. I bid you.

Finish off Daphne, just smash her head into the ground or hit it with a big rock. They need no more convincing from their social stigma. They fucking peel off and just go over to Daphne Good and Gold who looks up sort of clearly and then they all just get to stomp in. And she's like, why? If you need a new body, I know a great guy. She'll never afford it. What's your name, by the way, gorilla?

Sir Kevin. Well, Sir Kevin. I believe this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Would you like to go rip her arms off? For Banana Yum Yum. Sir Kevin makes Smash old lady. Yes. Yes.

I think that my bridge partners have it well in hand. Oh, I understand. Will you... They're going to go down for this. Will you... No question. Will you marry... This is murder.

What they're doing? Will you marry Sir Kevin? Interesting. Weird question. Weird question. Sir Kevin, just joking. Sir Kevin, go. Find banana.

Yum. Yum. He runs away. He's fucking embarrassed. Mut. Does a 16 be Tracy? It certainly does, Griffin. You are standing in this clearing,

looking at the last surviving conduit in this power grid. And just as you are about to take action from it. You feel a knife plunge into your back. Oh man. You take seven points of piercing damage. I need you to make a constitution saving throw. Oh, Griffin. It's a two plus three, a five. You fall to the ground

and you realize that you are paralyzed. You try to move to come to your feet to take any kind of defensive position, but something is coursing through your veins that is making that quite impossible. A foot kicks you roughly over so that you are lying on your back bleeding on the streets of Luminon. you still have your lantern on your belt and as you roll it shines upwards and where there is at first nothing there is suddenly

a shadow of light a projection that this lantern is making visible it is of a young man with a mop-top of curly hair holding the blade, the invisible man, has come for his revenge.

Maximum Fun A Worker-Oled Network of Artist-owned shows supported directly by you.