The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 3

Episode Date: January 25, 2024

The hunters head to Frankenstein's lab, with a quick detour through the magical shopping district. Brother Phileaux bears a cross. Mutt takes care of business. Lady Godwin Makes an entrance. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary, Immortality is a tricky thing. Many have tried to thwart death's design throughout history, and a shocking number of people have achieved it, myself included. However, every method has its downfall, an accursed painting to be burned, a magic crystal to be shattered, an inexplicable weakness to bulbous vegetation. When I first embraced the darkness, I accepted these sorts of imperfections, thinking

them unnecessary evil. But I have found in Dr. Victor Frankenstein an uncompromising collaborator, one who pursues not just the path of true immortality, but also the potential for omniscience. And romance. What's that, Dracula? What's that? What's that? you say. We're going to start right where we left things off. Brother Philo, you are in the abandoned

parish here in the southwest quarter of the singing city of Lumino. You were just giving your confession to a mysterious presence. When a knock at the door interrupted you, you stepped outside to find a body, the body of Father Moore, who you were apparently just speaking to on the the other side of the wall. He's a little fatherless now. That's a good one, Tram. More or less. Okay, it's sort of remix.

We don't do those a lot on this show or you do just a remix. Justin, do you want to do some punch up on my joke too? I'm sure Rachel's just going to leave the best one. That's what she normally does. I feel one of those. What's that? There was five seconds of silence before this,

where she cut both of them? You see this man. He is not familiar to you. You are new in town. but he has all of the sort of all of the garments of a leader of the church only they have seen better days because they are

cut asunder as his heart has been removed he has blood pooling all around him and also still there is somebody knocking at the door to the parish from outside. What do you do? Dad, did you check his pulse? I think Brother Vilo is going to investigate.

Okay. Draw near to the body without getting in the blood. Don't get in the blood. Sure. But you want us to investigate even further. Okay, cool. Give me an... Gosh, which check would this be?

J.K. Investigation? Yeah, J.K. It was J.K.A. pretty hard there. Oh. Ah! J.K. Simmons, guys. Yeah. Okay.

People say this show is too serious, but we're still busting each other up. Yeah. We're doing lots of jokes. 19, good Lord, okay. With a 19, can you give me sort of an idea of like how you're going about this investigation? Are you looking for, are you looking at the body? Are you looking for clues around the scene? What do you sort of feel?

I want to look at the body, make it like forensics. Okay. I think he particularly wants to look at the wound. Okay. And wants to check to see if Father Moore is wearing any kind of, amulets or anything like that. You want to loot the body. That's okay.

If you want to loot the body, you can say you like. No, no, no. He's collecting clues that he might use later for his own benefit. Okay. With a 19, I'll give you a lot. With a 19. There is a significant pool of blood surrounding the body. You see that there are no footsteps or anything along those lines trailing away

from this scene. Whoever did this didn't do it and then walk away as far as you can tell or they did it in some sort of tricky way because there are no no footprints to speak of whatsoever. Investigating the body, obviously this gigantic chasm in this dude's midsection is the star of the show. But with a 19, you also notice that there are some bite marks around his neck. not the sort of traditional two-hole clean bite marks. Like it looks like some sort of rabid beast got a hold of him and went beast mode on him.

This ain't your grandfather's bite marks. These are new cool radical bite marks. With that 19, I'll give you one more thing. You turn your head as you hear the pounding once more and moonlight or rather the amber light from the tower outside. I glints off of a cross on a chain, a silver cross, ornate and quite bloodied. It is nearby this scene you intuit that it used to belong to Father Moore, but seems to have been hurled away from him with such spectacular force that it has embedded itself into the wood of a nearby pew.

Okay, that's what I was trying to determine, because if he was wearing it, it doesn't work. Yes. Okay. You hear a voice on the other side of the door. Hello. Open up, please. Yes, of course. I'm on my way.

Can he remove the cross from the wood? Give me a streak check. Not a hard one, but you'll need to do better than a one, unfortunately. How about a five? That is a one plus four. That was a strength save done? Oh, yeah. Thank you.

Just for all of you guys, when the number is red, that means It was a critical one and it added a number two. Red is bad. Red is bad. Eight. An eight. Yeah, it's not embedded super deep in. It takes quite a bit of effort.

And in doing so, you hear the pew scooting across the ground. And you are taking a long time to get this done. The voice on the other side of the door continues to shout at you, but finally, you are able to pull it free. Do you stow it? in some way? I think he would go with the hiding in plain sight better. He puts it around his neck.

It is covered in quite a bit of blood, a significant amount of blood. If you want to give a little, a little, you know, spit polish, that's your bragging. No, he does not pocket. Okay, it's very important to me

that he not have any blood on him. So I would say he pulls it from the wood without getting any blood on him. With like a handkerchief, CSI style. I love it. And pocket it. Okay, cool. Welcome to CSI, Luminow.

Yeah. You do that. Add a bloody cross to your inventory. Oh, yeah. I can't wait. That comes in at the most important time, which is when we're done recording the series and recording the next series,

and Dad's like, what is this cross? Yeah, it's going to be so sick and this pays off. robes for his next character. He's like patting the pocket and like, what? I can't wait until like a week later someone on Reddit write something like, do they ever do anything with that cross? My next character is going to be a guy taking a spritz and a Turkish bath.

So yeah, the robe fits out perfectly right now. I don't think it's a sprits, dad. I don't think it's, I don't think it's that. I'm going to have to insist you open up the door now. I'm coming, I'm coming. I'm coming. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay.

And he, uh, one of the, uh, one of the, uh, one of the, thing, why is the guy knocking on the door of a church and not just coming in? But that's all right. I'm very superstitious. And he opens the door. Okay. You open the door to find a... Oh, good. You're finally here. I was wondering. The body's right over here. Oh, sorry, father.

And he nods his head to you. It is a tall slender man wearing a... What? It's slender man. And he's... What? He's wearing the constables. I got a job He says Carrot in peace I've been British the whole time

Boo kids It costs a lot to look this good He flashes his badge He says My name is Lieutenant Colin Wallace And well Pardon me for interrupting your night

Father, it's just We heard some reports Of a disturbance in here And we expected that the parish Had been long ago Sort of abandoned So I was surprised To find that there was any activity

happening here but I was wondering if I may step inside and take them around. You are not here in response to my call? No, we didn't get a call. We merely sort of heard reports from some of the vagabonds in the area. Heavens, Lieutenant Colonel, you must see there's been a murder. There's been a murder. Oh.

A murder! How much did you have to pump yourself up to say, Lieutenant? Because I feel like I would have told myself like say it. Just say it. Just say it. It didn't even mean to stop you. Take a run on it. I'm sorry.

That deep. You're that deep. Please, uh, let me, uh, let me come in and look for clues. Well, um, well, certainly I would not keep you from coming in. Oh, great. This is a house of worship. Okay. Griffin, is it fair to say, uh, that me and Lady Goddibwen are, uh, our business concluded at the tavern

would have gone out looking to see. and like seeing the hammering on the door and stuff, we'd be making our way around. Well, I mean, the parish is a decent amount, a decent distance from the Ghostlight Pub. So I am not 100% sure how you would, unless you are using your keen tracking senses. Yeah, I'll do that.

I'll make a... Tell me how you are tracking this old man. Um, well, partially I got Lady Aggie, right? So some scent tracking in there. Okay, I'll grant you scent tracking. Um, go ahead and... Investigation or perception? Uh, this would be investigation.

if you are hunting down. Are you certain? Yes. One of these things I'm good at. A 16. 16. Yeah, 16. Dog picks up a trail.

No, no problems. A distinctive scent, I would say, from this gentleman who carries around a lot of balms and tinctures. Yeah. Leading him towards the parish. In fact, you get there just in time to see Lieutenant Cornwallis arrive. You see Brother Philo through the door allowing him entry into the church. Hey, guys, is a lieutenant?

the same as a lieutenant? Yep. And no one quite knows. Oh, a lieutenant is a left tenant is a left-handed lieutenant. That's exactly it. In lieu of a lieutenant, you have a lieutenant. Right.

The Lou Lieutenant, Cornwallis. My name is Lou Cornwallis. Runs to the body and says, Oh, my God. I'm going to be sick. Oh. No, courage. Courage.

It's my first one. I just joined the force. Oh. God, is this what he's like every time? Okay. Strong, strong. Take deep breath. Just not over the blood, just away from it.

Then you don't get the stench. Right. Dad, does Philo have a ray of non-sickness you can cast to keep him from yurtsing all over the dead body? The opposite of ray of sickness. He has healing. He has healing. Would healing help? He's not injured, and Father Moore is.

That's the point of it being. Well, I wasn't, yeah. I meant, uh, no. Wait, wait, wait, Lieutenant, Lieutenant, look at me. Uh-huh. In my eyes. Look, look. Uh-huh.

Um, all right. Um, everything will be all right. You are competent. You are strong. You wouldn't wear that uniform if you didn't know how to conduct yourself. Quite right. Or comport yourself, whichever one you, you choose. You're right.

Okay. Okay, all right. You're right. Back on protocol, Cornwallis. Very good. All right. So I will need to frisk you. Oh, well, um, no.

That would not be the first thing you're eating. You've inspired me, sir. I will step back in on protocol and begin frisking the only available suspect, the only one present at the time of the officer's arrival. So empty your pockets, please. Well, I believe the first thing you would do would be to investigate. the murder. I am doing that by frisking the pockets of the most likely suspect right now. Please empty your pockets. Hey, man, based on what's suspicious man. Who the heck? Who are you? He turns to you. Who?

Crawford Muntner. You can call me mutton. Everybody does. Based on what's suspicious, you can't just frisk somebody based on like whims or whatnot. That's illegal, man. A lot of people telling Lieutenant Cornwallis how to do his job who he does not recognize. I've done a lot of research. In fact, our lieutenant was not doing his job at all. So there's no reason to think that he couldn't do with a little kibbutzing, you know, a little bit of guidance. Without consent, man, you can't just frisk somebody. All right, that's a good point.

That's a good point. I don't even know your name, citizen. I am, I am Brother Philo. Hello. From the Brotherhood of St. Tancred. And I, you know, after encouraging you to do your job, I can't believe, and I'm trying to start. while you're on doing your job. So allow me, and he reaches into his robe pocket, and using

slide of hand, slides the cross up the sleeve of his robe. Okay, give me a slide of hand check. Okay, so that's, okay, slide of hand. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Wow. Yeah, no, no issue. I'm going to tell you, that was going to be a very hard check and you squeaked it out just barely. You hide it so good even you can't find it. This is a trained investigator who you are trying to hide this murder evidence from.

He said he's new on the tub. He's a rookie. Well, he used to do different stuff. It's the first day on murder. Right. The murder. The murder beat. And so he reaches into his pocket. Doesn't find anything fumbles around.

He opens up his equipment pack because he has all these different tools for alchemies. and other stuff shows it to him. Oh, I don't need to see inside your pack, just your pockets. Oh, very well. He holds up a little notebook that says protocol on it. He says, it's right here, pockets only.

Oh, yes. It says get the names number one, so thank you for that, whoever you are. And then. Brother Philo, I explain that. Yes, yes. All right, then. Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Of the pocket.

A worthers. For me? Absolutely. I shouldn't, I probably shouldn't, but, you know, I can't be bribed by a... Or poison. Is this just a straight-up, Worthers? Travis makes a great point. Is this a laced Werther's...

No, it's not laced, but it is one of the soft ones that has like a chocolate center in it. It's Werther's W-O-R-T-H-E-R. More like Wersers, because there's worse than the regular stuff. He goes, oh, God, this is going to be my whole day now. Okay, you're free to go. clear of suspicion Perhaps I could aid you in your investigation here Oh not not necessary

Pretty sure that this one was a Dracula Can I do I don't know Would it be investigation? Whatever you would call it based on mutts Like experience with monsters Yeah give me a survival check Many many many dead relatives by monster

Holy shit That's a crit That's a crit That's two crits It's a double, yeah, so had I rolled with advantage, it would have been a double grant. 220's, that's absolutely buck wild. Okay. Yeah, you, I'll give you a few things.

I'll give you two things. One, there is, there are these tall stained glass windows flanking the sides of the parish. One of them, they are in a state of, like, fairly bad disrepair. One of them has a, with a crit, fucking huge bat-shaped hole. like pretty high up on it. There's no glass on the inside of the parish, no spectacular sort of shattering of glass that has happened here. It all appears to have landed outside.

It could not be more clear what has happened here. But you know that Dracula's are not able to come into buildings without permission, let alone a church, which strikes you as strange. that is what I will keep. The bite marks and stuff aren't a wolf-like or beasheel? Well, I mean, they are more beast-fiel than clean Dracula bite marks. Okay. But the bat is a pretty clear indication you would say.

Sure, sure. Batman killed this guy. Batman killed this dude for sure. All right. Well, my crew's coming, and you'll should probably get on your way before they arrive, because they're going to have a bunch of questions for you. But here's my card. if you need me.

Absolutely, yes. He hands you a card that says Lieutenant Cornwallis, and then underneath it, it just says police station. The local one. You know the one. Nearby. Nearby. Not the one by the coffee shop. You know, the one that's real cool.

You got it. If you see another one you've gone too far, go back to the last one, you bet. I may ask, yes, go ahead. And here is Mike. I don't have a card. I don't have a fancy, schmancy vague card. But if you need me to assist in this investigation, you know, Jessica Fletcher-like, please contact me. I am quite well versed in the ways of murder.

I'm a priest, I do not lie. He takes your card, a normal thing that priests all have. There's no phone. And so it's just say, Brother Philo, come find me. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Wherever you go, there you are.

That's true. That's beautiful. I just want to say, as a mountain folk, Crawford does not share whatever information he gathered with the police. He does not trust the police. Yes, probably a wise point. He says, you are all new in town. I'm assuming I haven't seen you around before.

Uh, yes, we just arrived. What brings you to the area? Sites are you? I, I am assisting a group that has come here that needs spiritual guidance. Okay, that sounds good. All right, well, I was going to say, you seem like you're Dracula hunters, and I have so much great advice if that was the case, but if you're just doing sort of... Well, yes, well, that's what they are.

I am merely... Spiritual advisor. Science to you. This man back here is scratching his throat a whole lot. Are you ill, sir? No. Okay, awfully toast, I understand that. And what is your name?

Ma'am? I'm Lady Goldwyn. It's a pleasure. My eyes are up here. Enchante. He bows. Finally! Finally, someone of distinction in the city hasn't forgotten the old ways. Oh, never, ma'am. Manners makes the man. Anyway, you all should probably be on your way.

Again, you don't want to get caught up in this investigation. A lot of my associates are more thorough investigators than myself. You'll be tied up in red tape all day. Oh. Well, I suppose we shouldn't vacate. As your work, you're done. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I'm still working on this worth us. And then once I finish that. I was speaking to brother Philo, please. Oh, my apologies. Philo, as you all concluded. I have concluded what I need to do here. mutt, anything else that you sense from the area?

Other than the bat hole, the wily coyote bat-shaped hole? Oh, I saw the bat hole. You're being awfully evasive, friend. I saw the bat hole. He's a big hole in the shape of a bat. All right. We are going to be moving along who I would ask young man. If I may,

um, a tad bit of discretion for father here. is somewhat of his standing in the community shouldn't be seen in places such as this if you could keep our presence in a church? Too well

at a scene such as this this is your first day in murders, isn't it? Oh, I understand the murder scene, yes. Okay, yep, no problem. My lips are sealed. Not even a roll, thank you so much. Okay, let's go. I like to call your jib

and I'm never going to be here again. I'm going forever. Come on. Wait, wait, wait, one last question. I asked you. I specifically, specifically asked. I'm so sorry, my lady. I was just curious.

You identified this person as Father Moore. Is he the only, the only member of the church that was in this building? He's the only member of the church in this whole city, I suspect. Well, not anymore. No, it's just you. Well, well done, Highlander. It can be only one. All right.

Now I am done. Okay, great. You all have a chance to regroup out on the street. I assume you all catch Brother Philo up on the task that has been assigned to you by Pierre Reynolds. Yes. Just as a reminder is to go into Frankenstein's lab and stop the source of the hand infestation. And he gets him up to speed on the strangely clad little boy. and the voice from the web-filled confessional booth.

Does that, Griffin? Yeah. I'm sorry to keep asking if I'm able to... You are a monster hunter. You do not have to apologize for hunting monsters. When he talks about, like, hearing a voice and everything from that, especially talking about the Dracula's made some new alliance with, like, the power of the earth. Are you asking if that strikes you as familiar of any sort of...

Okay, I don't think offhand it does necessarily. It is not a zoological sort of trait of some sort of like, you know, familiar monster. But if you want to make a role, I will certainly allow you to do that. Yeah, I'm going to make a history role. Okay. So one of the languages that I took as part of my thing is, of abyssal and infernal. Okay, wow, okay.

Yeah, so I'm gonna say Mutt had an aunt who was like pagan and big into that kind of stuff. Yeah, yeah. He used to do that very lot. He didn't listen to her very good. Because I got a five. But she was very cool.

I mean, okay, on a five, I'll tell you it's not the invisible man that this thing is referring to. Okay, good to rule that out. This is ancient. Your history check is bad enough to know that it is whatever this thing was talking about, about power of the earth, that's not really your domain, especially. You know enough to know that, like, there's dark workings sort of in the very, like, body of this land itself. But it is so sort of abstract and occult that you are not trained in. Cool.

Okay. All right. I'll leave it to you guys to sort of come up with a game plan for what happens next. You have a map of the town. You know where Frankenstein's lab is. If you want to head there or whatever, I'll give you your character's a chance to work it in. Not to force nothing, but I kind of need to go buy a new crossbow before we go do anything. Well, I do not necessarily need earthly goods so much.

but I will accompany you. May we talk one more? Shopping montage. Cart talking here we will. Of course. All right, it's a long walk across town. Rather unseemly, but disparate times, I suppose. Lady Godwin, you lived here previously, correct?

Yes. I lived here. I can't say I recognize much of the city. I was going to say, from when you were here before, was the cathedral? abandoned and man by only one person and not a force at all in the community? Used to be quite the social hub, honestly.

Regular ladies from the town would gather there for the sewing and the praying and what have you. And then, of course, the children would meet there to learn Bible verses and collect the various trinkets for doing so. Of course, the men would... I'm not quite sure what the men did. I've meant to ask, but we were quite content. It was not this destitute little hovel that you found yourself in.

Sorry, guys, I'll catch up. Aggie's got to go, and then I need to pick up after her. You guys go? Good girl. We'll wait. Good girl, we'll wait. Good girl. Where did you hail from, father?

I need to find a trash. Did I hail from? Sorry, guys. Yes. From the abbot of St. Tancred. Not really that close. Now, is that, I heard Crawford say that, is that a fair piece from here?

Is that a far piece from here? It is, it's down the pike and up the holler. So yes. In muttspeak. No, I would have no frame of preference for what you're saying, obviously. That's three and a half miles. Oh, right. Is that an actual length, an actual distance?

I don't know. All right. You all finish your journey to the Mist Outfitter. Griffin, did you like the scene that we made up? I did. It gave me a lot to work with. There was a church that ladies used to sew in and men did something in. And Dad's Parish is a long way away from here.

Great. I've got those. And my dog made duty. And Travis's dog took a shit. So I've punched that into my AI narrative generator. And it's given me a lot of threads that I can... Like a LucasArts game. I've got it, Griffin.

Combined Dog Duty with Bloody Cross. Oh. It's the grossest objects. It's the grossest object yet. It's Dracula's One Weakness of Silver Duty Bloody Cross. Cross. It is not difficult to find Miss Outfitter once you, are in the neighborhood, it is the only building in the shape of a large top hat.

You step inside and find yourself in a very crowded circular room, the walls of which are lined with steaks and sacks of garlic and vials and bags of dust and all other kinds of sort of monster hunting implements. There is a desk. in the center of the room with a silver bell sitting on it. There is nobody else present in the building.

Oh, so it's crowded with stuff. It's crowded with stuff, sorry. Okay. Does the stuff seem legit? Or is this like to receive, you know, like a kutri- Give me an investigation check with advantage. You know your way around

monster hunting instruments. 19 plus 1, 30-20. Okay. Yes. We're rolling fools today. There is some stuff here that is very legit. There is some stuff here that is kind of tourist trap garbage. You have a keen enough sort of sense about you to understand these things.

Somebody want to ring the bill? If it feels rude, I hate ringing a bill. That's me knocking on the door. Oh, you were inside the building. So I knocked the first time it just went, creed. That opened up. Do, creed. There's a bell on the desk.

Did you bring Lady Aggie in with you, Travis? Yeah. She's freaking the fuck out. She's barking a lot. Oh. What is it, girl? Rorff. I'm not going to...

Okay. Okay. Milo makes an arcana check. Is that okay? Okay. Give me an arcana check. Yeah. Yeah, it's okay.

Yeah, eight. There's some pretty magical stuff in here, I will say. That's all. Sometimes I put a table with a bell in front of you guys, and you're like, let me smell that bell. I'm writing it already. I said ding, ding, ding, ding. Oh, okay, ding, ding, ding. You ring the bell.

When you do that, white mists begin to coalesce behind the desk into the form of a a bipedal feline figure whose black and white fur has grown into a natural tuxedo, complete with bowtie. And as he forms behind the desk, he belts out. The world's greatest merchants have something to learn from Mr. Mistophily's shopkeeping turn. Yes. Yes. I'm so happy. People say not to judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree.

Which is why here on Just the Zoo of Us, we judge them by so much more. We rate animals out of 10 in the categories of effectiveness, ingenuity, and aesthetics, taking into consideration each animal's true strengths, like a pigeon's ability to tell a Monet from a Picasso or a polar bear's ability to play basketball. Guest experts like biologists, ecologists, and more join us to share their unique insight into the animal's world. Listen with friends and family of all ages on maximum fun.org or wherever you get podcasts. Mr. Mistopheles, prance is about. Pleiase, does a lot of balletic kind of movements around the room, as he says, Welcome to my humble establishment. May I show you some of my favorite trinkets?

Yes, I, that would be in light. We've got a little bit of, um, monster hunting to do I don't know if he varies supplies specifically for that purpose He gestures widely with his hands And says literally everything In here

What do you need? He holds out his hand And a bag of garlic appears in it A little bit of garlic Maybe some Dynamite I've got this here and I Put my axe Jennifer Myers on the table

But I'm going to be doing Some rather dark work with it magical work. I will confess to be a little bit out of my depth, but I will be pursuing some nocturnal foes, a little bit of splashing the guts around. And I didn't know if you had any sort of... Way to zhuz it up, you know,

a little bit of extra magic, an extra sharpness. You know, this is something to better equip me for the trials ahead. Maybe like a silver coating or silver dusting you could do. See, this is so good that you're here. Did you hear him, civil coating? Is that possible? I'm afraid my metallurgy skills need some work.

I'm more of a magical cat man, but I can give to you this for the right price. He holds out his hand and pf, a vial of silvery oil. is in this sort of wide-bodied flask. He says, this is consecrated oil. Apply this to your weapon, and I think you'll find those creatures of the night will be cleft beneath your blade like a hot knife through cold butter.

So, how is this? This is fascinating. Now, I am, out of my depth, of course, how is this consecrated oil created? The most religious guys. Who? Climb a mountain, a big one. You wouldn't know it.

At the top of the mountain, they are able to... I would. Oh, okay. It's Mount Tall Mount. Oh, Mount. No, I know that one. He speaks the truth. Mount Tallman.

Yeah, it's an ironic name, like when you call Big Guy Tiny. No, it's huge. And when you go up... I've seen bigger. The different mount. God's right there at the top, and he... He kisses it. He kisses the bottom. And it's not even the oil that's consecrated. It's the bottle.

Because these super religious guys get God to kiss it for you. And you can have it for the price of two money. I will point out, Lady Godwin, I'm envisioning you as sort of the purse of this operation. After all of your sort of life insurance payouts took place, you were left with a purse of 10 money. Okay. You all have 10 money to spend on supplies for your voyage. Okay, well, I definitely am going to get the consecrated oil. Okay.

Is that a permanent upgrade or is that something that I apply in this? That is a consumable item. You apply it to your weapon and it will last throughout the rest of the day. It basically changes its damage type to radiant. Okay. Which you suspect will be quite powerful against a lot of the... Monsters here. You mentioned wanting a crossbow, did you?

Oh, yeah. If you got any crossbows, I do need one of them. What's your preference? Small, large pocket, hand-sized, wrist-mounted, that's probably not a particularly effective crossbow. It'd have to be fairly tiny. I prefer something, you know, on the large size with the... The aim over a long distance is for hunting, you know what I mean?

More than close combat. A heavy crossbow. He holds out both hands and a pretty large crossbow appears in them. He is not sort of ready for the weight of it. He is just a cat man. And so it kind of like weighs him down. He clunks it down on the table. He says, we are selling this in a bundle with some of these bad boys.

Ealds at his hand, three silver-tip bolts appear. He sets them down. He says, and it can all be yours for the price of three money. What's the stats on their crossbow? This is a not magical... No, I figured, yes. Straight up heavy crossbow. It does 1D10 piercing damage.

Okay. I mean, yeah, I would like that if we could. That would be great. All right. So far we're up to five. How much of... What kind of a budget are we working with? We each had 10 monies, is that right?

You had 10 monies to split between all of them. Okay, I used to. How much did you use, Jeff? Three. Great, okay. So, Dad, at least this is five. You want to see if they have any parishaws or something? I don't know.

What do you guys like? Okay, let me just point out that Brother Fado is an artificer. So I don't think he actually needs any of these items. because he's I'm just scanning through it here I think he's going to be able to duplicate almost all these effects just with his

just with the things she creates I can make hamburgers at home but I still go to Wendy's you know I know sometimes this is about the time that you say for you right you're about that old ass mountain you got to climb up you know treat yourself

Don't you need ungence? You mean chavs? Hold on one second, Dad. Hold on one second. Travis, I caught you in 4K. You are not getting a vicious heavy cross-down. No, no, no, that was already there. I don't think I can remove it from there.

That's what I'm trying to figure out. Yeah, I can't figure out how to alter the items in my list on $1.20. Okay, well, write it down. We'll figure it out. Yeah, that's what I was just trying to figure out. I wasn't trying to see. Travis, you can't blame me for thinking. No, no.

I was trying to smuggle and snoop. Always smuggling and snooping over there. I am not. Not always. I believe, if I were to suggest anything, I would suggest we acquire the transceivers to stay in connection with each other because in these stories, usually the party gets separated, even though it's not intelligent.

I would suggest, and it's merely a suggestion, that we think about spending three. Ducats on the Canceivis. Just to go down the list here for the folks at home, there's a lot of vampire hunting goods. Stakes, good stakes, a lighter, lantern, torches, bottled

sunlight, dynamite, some healing potions, a holy symbol, which you kind of now have, Brother Philo. Good job, Dad. An alarm construct for any kind of camp you might make. A vial of acid, a can of salt, and transceivis. I do think that transceivers

is smart. I think that makes sense. especially if you're making a podcast, I feel like you should probably have that, right? Now, counterpoint, we stay together and yell really loud and get dynamite to blow out Dracula's ass. Now, wait a minute. This is the eternal quandary of wise D&D play. Do you get the item that lets you communicate with each other

no matter where you are in reality or a bundle of dynamite to blow up Dracula's ass? Can I just say, I feel like that would, the transceivers would pay dividends, like, for me personally, I feel like. Yeah, I understand that. Listen, I see, Justin. Oh, how I understand what you're saying. But also, counterpoint, we can blow it, Dracula.

He says, these transceivers are actually one apiece. So with your five remaining money, you could afford the bundle of dynamite and one transceiver. Now wait. One transceiver. Yes? You all share it, you take turns. Yes, communicating with whom. Yeah, just truckers that happen to be driving past will be able to hear our soliloquies.

Yeah, that would be like having a walkie without the talking. Well. Yeah, no. I don't want to speak for you, Philo, but I've been sold on the dynamite. Well, all right. You said you're Can you're doing Can Brother Philo

Recreate Dynamite? Is that your I must I must apologize I mean Yeah if you want to spend your money dad You spend your money Otherwise Trave and I are going to blow it on dynamite That's where you find yourself right now

Okay Pick something or get dynamite As a recent DM I'm sorry I was thinking of story potential But no you're right Absolutely You don't think dynamite has more story potential than fucking walking talking? You get some story potential of dynamite?

I don't know how to help you, my man. All right, one bundle of dynamite. This is a real stream of dynamite. This series isn't called The Adventure Zone talks to Dracula. It's called Dracula blows up. It's called The Adventure Zone blows up Dracula's dick. The Dynamite explodes for 10 D6 bludgeoning damage after its six second fuse. expires. This is an

incredibly destructive object, obviously. You have one money remaining. A lighter. Gotcha. How about a steak? The bundle of steaks. How much for one is, how much, one, two,

one gold piece? One gold piece for three steaks. It's just sharp wood. For a sharp stick? I can do that. Let, yes, we could, I'm sure we could forage. for steaks. How about the garlic?

Not good steaks. You want a sack of garlic? Hmm. I can give that to you for one. Griffin, so that you don't get us later, it does say lighter on here. Do we not have between the three of us any kind of ignition source currently? I can say that you probably have a Tinder box or something for making camp. as is your way, but it is not, you know, as...

On the fly. Not as on the fly as a lighter. I would say that if we get the dynamite, we should get the lighter, and then the lighter is beneficial in a lot of ways so we could make sure... I think we should let Dad decide how to spend the one money. Thanks. You had a chance, bud, and you're like, I'll make it at home, like a real dad. How about...

The holy symbol. Is there a concrete thing, or would I... be coming up with something. You couldn't afford it, even if you did. And also, I will say, you have a holy symbol now. You basically got one from Fathermore. What there is here, it is another cross necklace, but this one is just sort of a wood-carved, sort of rosary deal.

I think since Father was an artificer, he would... Let's go with the garlic, because he can do stuff with that. He can do stuff with that. Yeah, sure. That makes sense. Yeah, you can season some chicken with it. And that's about it. Okay, he rings you up.

Okay, so the garlic, we have the dynamite. He doesn't poof that one into his hand. He barely, like, carefully picks it up. Right. From the table, sets it down. There's like a box, like a wooden crate with like a nest of, like, fibers that it is sitting on. delicate with it. And he closes the box, very carefully scoots it across the table. And, uh,

one crossbow with three silver-tipped boats and some consecrated oil that comes to ten money. Yeah. She shoves the pile across him. He takes the ten money. He says, uh, my thanks to you, please don't bring that dog back in my store. Is it for sale? The dog? Yes. No, man. Five money? No. Yeah. Okay. No.

No. No. No. No. My coffee is not limited. The dog is not for sale. Dog is a member of my family, guys. Just checking 100 money.

Fuck off. All right. He disappears. Okay. You all are now strapped to the teeth with an assortment of monster hunting tools. Uh, let's have a new factory.

Well, I mean, can I go to the bathroom first? The real bathroom or the fantasy bathroom? No, Crawford needs to go to the bathroom first. Oh, okay. Yeah, a lot of piss and shit work from Crawford this episode. Hey, it's part of the human experience, Griffin. Do you want, it's a little thing called theater veritas, my friend. Okay, it's also part of the canine experience.

Yeah. And we've had it both ways. Excellent. We're on the same cycle, me and Lady Aggie. Apparently not, because it didn't. happen at the same time. Well, it has to be late. If we did it at the same time, that would be very difficult. She goes outside.

After who? Good point. Gross. All right. You all make your way over to Frankenstein's lap. It is in another sort of quiet corner of town. Not a residential area at all. You've sort of left behind the homes and businesses of the rest of this sort of metropolitan region. And now you find yourself in a big open space, almost sort of junkyard-like. There is sort of mechanical detritus scattered hither and yawn. You see crawling around sort of the piles of

junk, the occasional disembodied hand, sort of just sort of scouring the area for supplies or whatever it is hands like. You guys want to hear something wild to just click in my brain? No folks at home didn't get a lot of sleep last night. But I was like, it's Frankenstein. So it's a junkyard. Maybe it's a human junkyard. And then my brain went, that's a graveyard.

Whoa. The graveyard is a human junkyard? That sucks. Whoa. Think about it. Okay. There is one area of this junkyard, right? It's sort of center of it that is surrounding.

by chain link fence. Inside of that fence, you can see a secure sort of door. It looks like it's almost built into like a metal shack that is sort of sloped down at the back of it. You assume that this is a entryway to some sort of underground area here. There is a doghouse in the corner of this chain link fence surrounded area. you can see just barely a pretty massive shape inside of it. And you hear snoring coming from within. You also notice that there is posted on this shack entrance into the underground.

There is what appears to be like a search light with almost that same, not almost, it is the exact same sort of amber light that is coming from the top of luminow tower. is also sort of pointed out onto the space in front of the shack here. There is a gate into this area on the chain link fence. The chain link fence is about 15 feet high. The gate is padlocked, as is the door into this shack. I'm going to swing on the padlock with Jennifer Meyer. Right away, okay, make an attack.

Wait, just for context, given, when you say massive shape, Is it massive like, that's a big dog? Or is it massive, like, the size of a bear? Or is it massive, like, a hundred feet? Well, bear wouldn't fit in a dog house. Yeah, but I mean, a dog house. Like, so it is dog size. Size of a small bear.

Size of a small bear. Okay. Okay. Go ahead and make an attack roll juice. Oh, attack roll, yes. I roll the strength. With Jennifer Myers. There we go.

Yeah, 18. Sure. No problem. You chop right through this first padlock. And, in fact, you flatten the gate. it falls off of its hinges and slams down into the yard. She kind of raises a hand like, after you, gentlemen. As you do that, you hear

coming from the doghouse. And out emerges an enormous dog, a Neapolitan mastiff, frothing at the mouth, eyes, blood red. It is snarling and it runs towards you all. It gets fairly close, but a chain yanks it back towards the doghouse when it's about 10 feet away from you. But it is losing its mind barking and roaring at all of you. I cast Animal Friendship.

Okay, that's a good spell for this situation, I think. Yes. Great. Can you link that in the chat, please? Yes, I can, I think. Yes? There we go. The spell lets you convince a beast that you mean no harm.

She's a beast that you can see within range. It must see and hear you. If it is for or higher, the spell fails. The beast intelligence is not for or higher. I assume this is level one, right? Yeah. Yeah, okay. So, I have to succeed on a wisdom saving throw

or be charmed by you for the spell's duration. Yes, correct. Okay, there it is. Okay, wisdom, not the dog's strong suit. I need to beat a 13. This is just basically a flat D20 rule. That's a three. Ooh.

Okay, the dog is charmed by you. Oh. Hey, bud. Rough. Yeah, here, you want some kibble, man? I got it right here. And I'm like waving them behind my back, like towards the door. Okay.

The duration of the spell is one whole ass. day. Yeah. Uh, so that's cool. You now have two dogs. Congratulations. Dang. You know what? You know what? I let him off the chain, bud. Quick, let's go back to the shop. No, I let him off the chain to come in with me. All right. Okay, what's your name? I'm gonna name you Rufus. How's that feel? Feel good? No. Uh, I'll name griff. Sloppy. Yeah, no, that's a dumb name. Sloppy. I'm to call you sloppy. Okay. Okay, sloppy, sloppy, aggy, aggy, sloppy.

Oh, no, aggie, sloppy. All right. Are they sniffing each other's butts? They are in a very respectful way. Slop is a gentleman. I've given Griffin a chance to be a dog in Not Just a Live Show. You're welcome, Griffin. Griffin loves me in dogs.

Sure. Sloppy just starts to prance along behind you, just chatting up Aggie. Agie seems very sort of like, Aggie is a much older dog than sloppy. Sloppy is big and young and virile. Oh, I should say, guys, don't hurt that dog in any way or it's going to get bad. Okay. Don't get real bad. You approach, okay, I won't say what happens next. What happens now? I think we can start heading in. Okay. You all make a perception check for me, please.

13 for me. Oh, a 10 for me. I got a 12. Okay. There is a subtle shift in the light. That's really all you detect. It could be a passing cloud. That's not really an issue necessarily,

but it doesn't sort of. strike you all as anything. In the light from the spotlight? You can't tell. Try to tell with such bad perception checks. You approach the door of the shack. It is also padlocked. Brother Philo is going to call upon his past

before becoming a priest. Oh boy. Pick the lock. All right. Do you have a lock pick kit brother Philo? I have thieves tools. Okay, yeah, sure. Wild.

I guess you do get, you do get a lot of shit, I guess, when you are an artificer. Oh, right. I forgot you're an artificer. I was like, you know, just about all of the supplies. Yeah, so go ahead and give me a slight of hand check with proficiency. You're looking to beat a, this is just a simple padlock. We'll say you're trying to beat a 12. How's the 21 feel?

No problem. It, like, falling off a log, you get those tools up in the lock and within seconds, it pops open. Nice. Jesus. And kind of turns around to the other two and kind of sheepishly shrudges its shoulders and says, Well, I wasn't always a priest. At one point, I was sort of a shady character. We'll get into that later.

Right now, we're going to be. Hell yeah, man. You all see this door open and begin to trudge down inside. As you all disappear from sight down into this stairwell leading underground, the amber searchlight turns to gaze towards the doorway. And then the searchlight Blinks Maximum Fun

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