The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 30

Episode Date: August 8, 2024

Three months after the sun has returned to Lumineaux, the monster hunters settle into their new Dracula-less lives. Mutt provides sanctuary. Godwin schools the locals. Phileaux finds new ways to reach out. Additional Music in this Episode: "Celosia" by sawsquarenoise: http://rolemusic.sawsquarenoise.com/. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

It has been some time since your... How much? Well, as we all know, let me think. The year is 18. I want to say 16. Does that feel right, Juice? You're the one who established the time of this. 18, 16.

Doesn't that sound right? Oh, I like the feel of it. Maybe it was 16, 18. Those are two profoundly different times. I have a historical rule. Okay. And this is how I remember it. If there's a 19 in front, you've got cars to bunt.

If there's an 18 up top, there's lights all around. 17 at the begin candles, my friend. That's how I, it's a good historical time periods are candles. Lights cars. Computers. That's the three eras. What is a computer but the 20th century equivalent of the candle? That is our new cars.

Yes. If you have computer, it's a two. The candle of today. We've got real epilogue hanging out in the lounge, wiping off the makeup, sleepover energy right now, and I'm enjoying it. It has been some time. The amount of time is up to you as we spend a moment here at the end of this campaign. Three months. Three months.

Three months. Okay, it can be different. Yeah, that's about one boat ride to England plus some time to King. Yeah. Yeah, for sure. They definitely make you take a boat. Let's start with you, Crawford. Where do we find you in the next fiscal quarter?

Well, Mutt is strolling through the newly established Teddy the Invisible Man plus Chupacra equals BFF animal sanctuary. Okay. That's the name they settled on. Well, that's the name that Mutt insisted on. Oh, of crazy. Teddy the Invisible Man plus Chubacabra equals BF, BFF Animal Sanctuary for cryptids. Okay.

Where, you know, there's like some rescued baby chupacobbers in there. There's, you know, there's Dracula heads with just wings. I don't know if any of those survived. I mean, you could probably breed, breed them. You could, I guess, grow them if you wanted to be. Like seaman. Yeah, I guess so. I guess that's really the ultimate way to defeat the big bad of the,

season is to turn him into multiple seaman's. Yeah. But, you know, there's just lots of, you know, little werewolf pups and stuff around there just to keep him safe. A lot of rehabilitation happening from injured, you know, injured baby cryptids. You may not like this. The people who live in, I guess, London? No, I said this up in Manchester. Oh, Manchester beautiful.

Can I tell you? I basically just turned all of Manchester. into an animal sanctuary. Wow, wild. I bet they loved that. Everyone in town calls it the Tedding Zoo instead of the long name that you came up with.

Yeah, that's fair. And, okay, you're strolling through this city-sized animal sanctuary where people live. Well, because that's the thing about cryptids, right? A lot of them are pretty person-like, right? I'm not just going to put them in the woods. Your Chancellor of the Vault,

sort of the financial advisor to you. Lord Moneybags? Mr. Moneybags, you call him affectionately. He comes sprinting towards you. That's not its real name, by the way. That's what Plott calls him. Yeah, of course, no. His real name is Franchester.

From Manchester. His name is Manchester, Manchester, Frances. He's Mr. Moneybacks to you, and he's the Chancellor of the Vault. He comes sprinter, Manchester, Manchester, Um, you've gone too far. Uh, okay. He comes sprinting up to you from where he was hiding behind some garbage cans. His face is terribly scratched up and he's like,

Ah, oh, my leash. There you are. Uh, uh, thank you. Uh, so much for, for meeting with me. Uh, he looks around nervously. Did you hear that? Yeah, man, it's probably, I don't know, maybe a swamp monster or something. Maybe a spring heel jack or jill or something.

Yeah. What's up, man? Okay, well, I just wanted to give you sort of the quarterly report on the kingdom's financial well-being. Tourism, way up, lots of people coming to visit. Population, down. A lot of people left when you turn the whole city

into a zoo, my lord. But it's just this one city. The rest of England, I didn't do nothing to. Yes, no, the rest of England is stoked because now they can come and see Bigfoot and hang out with him. But the people whose houses then became Bigfoot's house,

by way of Bigfoot force. They were not so stoked, but my leash, don't give me wrong, Francesters, blah, blah, loving it. Okay. But, yes.

You know what we should do. What's that, my lord? Let's take France, man. That way we have more room for people. I will just add them all into the population. You see from another pile of garbage cans, a bigger, nervous-looking man, you know, as Slamchester runs up and he's like,

my lord um as chancellor of the sword you should uh maybe talk with me first like it's a formality certainly but before sort of declaring invasion plans of uh whoa man no i just thought we'd ask for it the implications of that are can you hang on one second uh he leans over and he talks into his wristband and then seconds later merlin appears uh he looks so tired and he's like ah my lord uh so thinking about invading France, huh? For their land? Well, I don't know it's going to be a big deal. Yes, no.

I mean, your divine will, I suppose, is law. Well, let's, uh, you know what? No, no, no, no, no. We don't need, is there a country nobody's doing anything with that, like, they wouldn't mind if we evaded? Sure, empty town, they call it. Um. Okay, that Merlin.

Yes. Is that Antarctica? Yes. Okay. Yeah. That works. I say that there might be people living on Antarctica and I'm not trying to get, you know, shut down.

So let's, my lord! What's that big one that's kind of west over there? It's real cold, but it ain't Antarctica. It's like a big cold. Canada! No, not that one. That's the, wait, nobody eats shredded wheat. To the east.

The one to the east. My lord. Starts with an R. What is it? I feel like you're trying to. I feel like you're trying to trick me into sort of endorsing a hostile takeover. We're going to, let's invade Rousia. My lord, okay.

You know what? Let's talk about this tomorrow at the meeting of the chancellors and we'll give you time to sleep. That is at 10 in the morning. Ah. My lord, um, you have a visitor waiting for you in. the royal chambers. Okay. Maybe let's talk about the war stuff

tomorrow and maybe we can sort of dive into the terrible human cost of it. Okay. And then we'll circle back. Gosh. That's good, man. High five. Yes, high five. He puts his hand up and your hand goes right through it because he's a hologram. And he says,

even here? I am sure glad you are the one who pulled the sort out, my liege. You're crushing it. Um, and certainly things are a lot more exciting around here. And then a werewolf jumps through his hologram and he's like, oh, fuck. And he vanishes suddenly. William? I told you, be cool, man. You can't scare people like that. That's what makes people afraid of y'all. Sorry. Old habits. I know, bud. I know, man. Hey, keep it chill, bud. He snaps at you, points of fingers. Do you return to the chambers? Yeah, sure, man.

You return up to the castle, which is surrounded by, I would say, a platoon of guards who are in a constant state of kind of roused alarm. I do stop by and see my wife first. Oh, you got married. Yeah, Misty Bullgard. Misty Bullgard. Yep. Once I was the king, listen, we already were kind of dating and interested each other. You'll remember back to like episode three.

But once I became king, like the Bullgaards were kind of like on board a lot more with it. And I freed everybody from the thing. So we got married. And I need to rebuild the line too. Absolutely. You return to the royal chambers. Just outside you see. And I also have a million dollars.

Kick ass. Yeah. I mean, tourism's good right now. Yeah, but. As you return, you see Misty sitting at a little writing desk in the drawing room. She looks up and she says, We've received another letter, my love. It's from my brother, Cedric.

Oh, cool, man. He begs you to reconsider his proposal of turning the Tering Zoo into a sort of high-stakes hunting grounds for Monster hunters. Yes, no, I know. It's Bob Barrick. Simply Bob Chapman. Lazyton. Paintball.

Shit. Paintball, yes. That certainly won't confuse. We can maybe do that with Bath. We can make Bath into a whole like paintball city. I have a cousin who lives in Bath, who is sort of an extreme sports nut. So I'm sure he would be a fan of that. Listen, your mother is waiting for you in the Royal Chamber.

I told her to make herself comfortable. I don't know if you've kept in touch with her since... Yeah. Oh, okay, great. It's my mom. I send Merlin to see her all the time. I should probably... I should probably know which your relationship is like with your mother.

But I suppose we haven't been married too long. Not long. Hey, are you pregnant yet? Do you know? Not yet. We'll work on it. Wank. Gross.

Love you. Hey. In the game, she's my wife. I guess so. We have a loving, passionate relationship in the game. I can't wait to make a million babies with you. Okay. That's too many.

You know that. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry. Now you're freaked out. No, I'm just saying a million babies? Yes. I'm going to produce a... It's like a brood mother situation.

Well... Let's like four is like tops where I want right now. We'll split the difference. Okay. What? Is that $599,998? Somewhere in there. Yeah, okay, that sounds good.

Cool thing. Sick, bro. High five. She high fives you. Sorry about you. Are you pregnant now? Holy shit, yes. Generations in the future will speak of,

there will be entire religions, I think, that form around this child that was born, not a immaculate conception, but pretty. A smaculate conception. You retire to your chambers and you find your mother. in here, she is cleaning up, even though there's no way it was dirty. Like, you have a lot of people who make sure that the castle isn't dirty. Yeah.

What up, Dowager Muttner? Oh, don't mind me there, Crawford. I was just, uh, you just got a few smudges here on the silver, and I was just, uh, getting it. Spot clean. Okay. Say, uh, hey, uh, how, what are you doing here, Ma? Well, it's just been so long since you come see me. I know you've sent your old ghost come and visit.

He's a hologram. He's a hollagram when he's in my neck of the woods. Oh, I get it. Hey, nice, ma. Thank you. I just want to check in on you. Make sure you're eating good. See, how are you doing?

Yeah, I'm a king. So they feed me pretty good here. All burgers I want. I see you spiced up the neighborhood a little bit with a little bit of rural charm. Do you mean the Teddy Invisible Man plus Chupacabra Eagles BFF Animal Sanctuary? Yes. And also, you know, all the fireworks and shit. There's so many fire.

She like ducks from the window as a giant firework is set off outside. Oh, I guess it must be two o'clock. and I'm setting up a bunch of dirt ramps over the Thames and people are going to be able to take their like ATVs and like ramp it and shit it's going to be awesome. That sounds so Crawford. Listen, I know this is the first time I ever said nothing like this to you before

in our whole life and that's probably hugely been detrimental to your growth but I just want to tell you that I'm so proud of you. I know your papa would be too. You've done a lot of you. You've done a lot of... Well, if your Papa was here, he probably would want you to go out

with, like, a big hammer or something, go bonk all the animals outside and, you know, turn his... I'd hope he'd have the, you know, the room for change and whatnot. Your Papa, no way, honey! He was not... That was not his... stuck in his ways. Yeah.

Hey, Ma, can I say something, and I appreciate you opening up to me and tell me you proud of me and stuff. But killing Dracula and becoming King of England, if that's what it takes to earn, your pride, that's pretty high standard, Ma, you had to admit. That was actually, she pulls out a little slip of paper. She was like, I actually wrote this letter to myself the day you was born,

and it says inside of it that my only wish for you was to kill Dracula and become King of England. That's your only wish, ma'am not like happiness or start a family or like fine. I'm pretty happy now, son, you got a million dollars. He's sending this sexy old ghost to my house every weekend. Ma, you got a thing from Merlin? Hell yeah, man, he's got some of the wildest pornography I have ever seen him. Yeah, he knows, don't he? Listen, if you guys want to be a celebrity couple, you can be Marlon.

Um, I mean, what if he smells weird? I ain't seen him in the meat space yet. Can I tell you, I haven't either. I'm not exactly sure where he's based out of in this castle. I've been looking for him, though. I'm going to find him. Oh, this sounds fun. Let me know when you find him.

I wouldn't mind finding that. There's a big spooky tower over there. That might be it. What's that? There's a big spooky tower over there. That might be up. They won't let me in there. I'm going to get in there.

You can't climb it, son. I will. All right, well, she starts talking to you. You start to lose focus a little bit. You hear a rattling noise, and it is coming from your nightstand, from a drawer on your nightstand. Hey, ma'am. Man, I'm going to ride that beard.

Like it's a carousel. What's wrong? Yeah, hold on. I open the drawer. You open the drawer. and for Oh and just to establish before any action moves forward Lady Aggie has her own room

She has she's the royal dog Her and Sloppy have had a whole brood at this point Oh for sure They've got like nine pups going I don't know the timing Fertile wild BMX kingdom you've found it Yeah hell yeah dude But not like an idiocracy

It's thriving People don't like to change But it's fucking thriving They are they are cuddled up with a litter of pups right next to the nightstand as you open it now I open the drawer

for they also have a million dollars you move some of the million dollars out of the way the dogs have a million dollars I have a million dollars I gave my mom a million dollars fuck it I'm the king dude I can print this shit you have three million dollars and you're on every one of them your face

is on every one of them yeah man it's kick ass you push aside this these huge huge piles of money and... It's just one million dollar bill, or three million dollars, I guess. Yes. I'm on each of them.

You push aside a letter from the chancellor of the vault begging you, begging you to stop giving people and dogs millions dollars. Or make so many more millions of dollars for yourself that it's not even a thing anymore.

Yeah, that's what I'm working on. It's like confetti. Your attention is drawn completely to the item waiting for you below these letters and money. And as it rattles, you, the voice of your mother continuing to talk to you just kind of completely fades into the background.

At the bottom of this drawer rattling on the hardwood floor of it, you see a shard of bone that you have fashioned into a sort of extra-dimensional radio, a walkie-talkie. Yeah. And you look down at your bone phone that

is ringing because it's that time of the month. Oh, boy. And the God of Darkness on would like to have a word. Hey, sorry, Ma, I got to take this. I'm Jesse Thorne.

I just don't want to leave a mess. This week on Bullseye, Dan Aykroyd talks to me about the Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, and his very detailed plans about how he'll spend his afterlife. I think I'm going to roam in a few places. Yes, I'm going to manifest in Rome. All that and more on the next bullseye from maximum fun.org and NPR. Hello, teachers and faculty. This is Janet Varney. I'm here to remind you that listening to my podcast, the JV Club with Janet Varney,

is part of the curriculum for the school year. Learning about the teenage years of such guests as Alison Brie, Vicki Peterson, John Hodgman, and so many more, is a valuable and enriching experience. One you have no choice but to embrace, because yes, listening is mandatory. The JV Club with Janet Varney is available every Thursday on Maximum Fun or wherever you get your podcasts. Thank you.

And remember, no running in the halls. Let's jump over to Lady Godwin. Yeah. It's been three months. Griffin, this is unconventional, but I should also warn you that I've written the ending for mine. Oh, thank Christ. And it's a surprise ending, but I've written it for you. to read verbatim.

So, like, you don't have to worry about it, but it will be a surprise, but I'm telling you that now so you don't get derailed. Hey, man, if I don't have to make shit up, like this sets a terrible precedent, but if I don't have to make shit up for a few minutes, hell yes, dude.

Okay, great. I'm so tired, man. We've been going for 20 minutes. I'm so tired, dude. All right, go ahead. Where did you send this to me at? No, no, I didn't send it to you yet. It's a surprise ending, I said.

So we got to start doing our ending. And then there'll be a surprise end. That'll be separate from that end. Okay, great. But you don't have to worry about ending our ending because there's a surprise ending. So you don't think it would be easier for me to do an ending if you told me how it ends. So here's the problem. It wouldn't be a surprise.

Do you hear me what I'm saying? Yes. It's got to come out of nowhere, right? Okay. And if it's got to be, if I sent it to you before, then it'll be in your head, like, I should start building to that. And that won't be a surprise. That'll just be narratively satisfying. We don't need that.

Okay, cool. We need a surprise. All right. This should be fun. Where do we find you in three months? Yes. I have recently opened Lady Godwin's finishing school for young professionals. And it is where I teach people all the finishing moves that I know how to get the cleanest kills when you're in the field.

I will say this. it has been lightly attended. It's more of a social club for me, honestly, where adventures can just come and hang out and do whatever. That's so nice. You know, I can teach a little bit, but mainly it's about the tea. It's about the friendship. Amazing.

Do you teach here or are you more in an administrative role? It's like when I worked at a local news website that was also in a coffee shop, And so people would just hang out at the coffee shop and work on stories why they bought coffee from themselves. It's kind of like that. It's about, it's like the, it's like the, the, the elks. You know what I mean? Sure.

Yeah. A lodge. A lodge set up. A guild. I love it. Yeah. We learn from each other and from ourselves. You are watching, uh, sort of a demonstration, uh, testing for her, you know, whatever the lady Godwin equivalent of like a black belt, uh, is, uh,

Sandy four blades. She is a very different in style and build from Lady Godwin. She is much more a sort of duelist type, but she holds four swords in her hands at the same time. That's sort of like her thing. And a lot of people have said, like, why not two double-bladed swords? But she likes the flexibility of just having four swords. You've never seen anything like it.

There's a juggling element. That is very exciting. and Sandy 4 Blades is, you know, cutting some bamboo, cutting some logs, and does a sort of final pose on the ground, and then looks up at you expectantly. Well, I've seen better, but not many. Are you talking about Myra 5 blades? I fucking hate her.

She stole my thing. Did you know she was originally Myra 3 Blades? And then I stepped up... You got four blades, yes, I know. But then I stepped up the game. I evolved it. Right, and you do make the smoothest, most satisfying cuts. We can all agree.

But killing things isn't just about what's in here. It's about what's in here and also in here. And here. Sorry, she was wearing her blindfold that she was doing this. I didn't see what places you were pointing to. I forgot the ones that I pointed to and ones I haven't, because I only got halfway through. But it comes from all of you.

It's a concert, really, of hurting things. And your body must be the symphony. That is amazing. Is this something that... Sorry, um, Professor? Oh, you can call me Lady Godwin. Wow, Lady Godwin, is that something that you learned during your quest? No, actually, this body already knew how.

how to do all the killing. I've just been kind of watching it go. I'm kind of a nepo body. You know, I already had it. It was a must of memory. Honestly, I didn't, I feel a little guilty. I think that's what I'm doing is because I do all the work, you know, but I didn't do the work. So I'm trying to, to make up for it, I guess, by giving. That's interesting. Are you sure you're qualified then to be a professor of battle? Oh, Oh, I feel like we all learn from each other, and for myself, as much as you learn from me, if not more. I see. Okay. Well, again, you killed Dracula and a...

I did. I, I, I, you have to say it every time you step on the mat. And every time you step off, a little bow, and then say Lady Godwin killed Dr. The rules of the dojo. That is the rules. No, no shoes, no outside food and drink. No cussing. No cussing. You must say Lady Godwin killed Dracula every time you step on to and off of the mat.

Yes. Absolutely. And also $25 a month. Or you cannot come in. I was going to say that's a good deal. But we got to get dollars, though. The economy of this world is based on abstract money. And you can buy dynamite for $4, I think.

So $25 is actually, I think, a pretty huge change. To be fair, months really fucked up the global economy. pretty bad. I bet, yeah. We haven't. I think also around your, your guild, you just hear a constant chatter of like, did you hear what's happened in Manchester?

They turned the whole city into a zoo. I can't believe they're getting away with this. There are people living there. Yes, that's true. Did you have your $25? Because unfortunately, without your $25 monthly, I can't let you stay.

These two people who were gossiping, or sweating, just walk over to you and just dump a bunch of money at your feet. You see Four Blades says, right now. Just don't read it to yourself. Read it out loud right now. Yeah, okay. Here we go. Slam!

From the opening part of the finishing school right at the door area. You hear it open. The door, I mean. Do I have to read it word for... Verbatim. Light pours through the... doorway hole. And as your eyes adjust, you see a wide-jawed woman with long Auburn hair affixed sloppily and an even longer braid. Her frame is slight, maybe even

a frail. You can't ask me to read it verbatim and leave out whole ass words. Okay, so maybe even frail. Go ahead. Her frame is slight, maybe even frail as she strides towards you knocking over all the fancy furniture in her path. You realize two things at the exact same moment. One, she is aiming a rapier at your throat. And two, the hand holding the rapier and the rest of the body connected to it is yours. The metal presses into your throat as she gives you a mocking, unpracticed curtsy. She glares at you with withering hatred as she barks.

Fix it! I don't have anything after that. If you're waiting for me to add to it, baby, that's it. I mean, that's the surprise ending. Clean. It is the surprise, and it's clean, and it's good. Is it clean? It's clean and rad and powerful.

Agreed. Philo. Three months later. I, too, have written my own ending. Fuck yeah, dude. This is what I'm talking about. This is the future of improvised entertainment. The future of improvised entertainment is not.

I didn't write my own ending. I'm good. Dang it. That was good coverage for me. All right. Dad, just to sort of keep up the symmetry with every other season of TAS, it would be great if you could also open a school in your... No, no, sorry. Your ending.

Can I say that's why, as soon as I thought of the finishing school gag, I thought, I can't do another school. And I thought, okay, it's more of a social club. What does that say about us that are thing? It's like, we've occupied a real space of, like, the teachers are our future. Which, like, yeah. I think Griffin what it is is a very realistic look to the future when podcasting, we're too old for it. But we hope that now it's being taught. Yeah.

Let's all pretend like our unfortunate foray into nonfiction DIY instruction. Was it a commercial, commercial. Any indication in the desire to learn from us? It's not about when you're teaching the children of the future about podcasting, it's not about the financial success. This is our quest This is our duty to the world Opening your own school Is like actual play cryosleep

Because what it says is They are still They still enjoy adventure Uh huh They're going to keep practicing adventure They will not be in danger And they will be available Yeah

This is cryosleep for your actual play characters Fuck yeah Um Brother Philo Yes Three months later What is your What is your life

Um Brother Fano has been spending the time tinkering with the mind transference helmet. Oh, wow. Okay. And has also been inspired. A couple of things have kind of changed, brother Philo, watching his own corporeal flesh turned into dust bunnies, I think, was a big revelation. A huge turn on.

A huge... I need to say something canonically. before I hear what's going on with that, canonically speaking, when someone asked Lady Godwin what's going on with Brother Philo, she audibly exhales for 10 seconds. You've been tinkering with the mind transference.

Because, I mean, seeing his physical form destroyed has really kind of reconvicted him to get back into the ministry. And I don't mean like evangelism. but, you know, serving people. The spread of the belief, the worship of Onn has really bothered him. So he has come up with an idea to have a representative in many different towns and villages

that will serve as a spiritual advisor, somebody who will do. good deeds. I mean, really and truly kind of fill the gap that apparently people have been rushing towards this because, I mean, they start worshiping on. So he is going to create representatives of himself.

Cool. And then use and put one in each town. and village and then use the mind transference helmet to jump from town to town wherever he's needed to jump into a different body and he's he calls this effort on and on okay um and he's basically creating copies of himself to be able to jump into only one at a time only one at a time only one at a time Well, that's generous of yourself. Yeah, otherwise it would be weird. Yeah, not, so you don't need omnipresence and omnipotence.

It's just one or the other. Yeah, I'd do. Okay. Yeah, and so. You can either be omnipresent or omnipowerful, but that's, but not at the same time. Yeah, that would be greedy. I mean, do you want a million dollars to you because I can do that. Money would be appreciated, yeah, because there's all the wood I got to buy.

Yeah. You know, and he thinks back to a word he heard in his native language. And the word, it was a name, actually, that means God will increase. And he thinks that's, I mean, that's just obvious. God will increase. So he starts calling himself by that name, Geppetto. And so he is the joy. Geppetto of On and On.

Dad, I'm so proud of you. Thank you. The little research goes a long way, there, Mr. Million Dollars. Listen, but I wasn't going to, I wasn't going to fact-check it. That could be complete bullshit that's what it means. And I was like, yeah, man, I love it. He's looked back on all these people who wasted their lives. Yeah.

People who only showed up once in the narrative. Professor Jasmine, Tricky Doug, Little Michael. Yeah, man. Other Moore, Lieutenant Cornwallis. Wow. Madchester, Franchester, slamchester. There's a wide gap there where I didn't come up with any characters.

Hey, Dad, while you're at it, why don't you say in the story? And we've never done this before, but just see how far this goes, that you, Clim McRoy were the creator of Apple Computers and see if he can rewrite history with the power of this narrative. I mean, you basically made the Internet, but exclusively for the Pope. Yeah.

Yeah. For the Turbo Cardinal. For the Turbo Cardinal. Okay. We'll say that. I think, I mean, but you changed history by turning Manchester into a BMX Zoo. Yeah, man. This is a, I think a transformation of the world's kind of understanding of religious orders, right? And it makes sense.

Your order, the Order of St. Tancred was leveled, right? There are no survivors there for you to return to. So you building this structure where instead of having this hierarchy and complex sort of tree of responsibility, it's just top down. And if you need something, bam, the turbocardinal is there. It's a lot of work, but you don't feel the fatigue as much. because you are no mortal man. You get back from a long journey in Rome. Not a long journey.

I think you probably just like what? You pop into the body, into the, you know, whatever headquarters you have set up there and then hop back to your, is there a core body or are you just sort of like in the network now? I'm going to work from, no, I think the core body is the original Pinocchio. Okay.

And all the other sort of... And all the other ones don't necessarily have to look like him. Matter of fact, most of them bear a strong resemblance to the original brother Philo. Could it be... I hate to change your shit, but could it actually just be a... It's a small world after all situation where it's like nearly identical dolls but done up in... Yeah. ...that's good.

Yeah. That's fun. You get back from Rome after a visit there, back to your original body. When you get there, you see a man waiting for you. He's kind of like shuffling into the mission that you have set up here. Where is the headquarters? where are you based? A Verona.

Verona. Okay, cool. Yeah. So not a big trip that you just took, but... Nah, not that far. No, not that far. No. He shuffles up to you, and he goes, Uh, hello there.

Um, father? Uh, yes. Yes, yes, my son. Father, Fylo? How may I help you? I go by Geppetto now, but if you want to go back to old school, that's fine. Geppetto, I, I apologize. Father Geppetto.

Who are you speaking to? Oh, I'm sorry. See, I'm still not used to it. Okay, yes. Yes, my son. Um, I had a question for you, uh, regarding, you know, sin. Uh, I was hoping you could help answer it for me, provide some clarity. Yes, that's fine, yes.

Do we need to step into the confessional or do you want to just do it? It's, uh, not a confession per se. Yes. It's a question about sort of the nature of sin and consequence. Absolutely. I'm at your disposal. I know you're busy what with your sort of hive mind nature. It is absolutely remarkable that you were able to accomplish that to.

Thank you. To decentralize your soul in that way. And what would your name be? Just in case, you know, you aren't one of those. characters that only pop up once? Um, I may call me Gabriel. Sorry, that was a weird way to say that.

My name is Gabriel. It's weird when you ask someone's name and they say, You may call me. Sure. Oh, yeah. It sounds like they're lying, and I'm sure you're not because lying is a sin. Go ahead, Gabriel.

I, uh, I had a question, and it, I know how this all works. You're supposed to be good. avoid temptation and selfishness and violence, all the vices.

What is the policy, though, on sins you have not yet committed, but must commit? How does one find absolution for those? Are you thinking? You're just thinking of the sin or you're contemplating doing the sin, committing the sin?

I am afraid that I am duty bound to a course of action that some may interpret it sinful and others may not. Yes, I see. Could I possibly ask what that action is? There are, there is a way of nature. in the world that has nurtured, it hints the name, I suppose, and prolonged it and made life and beauty possible. And I must try to set right that course. It has been diverted through several different methods. You're talking about the search for eternal life, perhaps? He nods solemnly.

Not so much, I suppose, the search for eternal life. But the spread of eternal life, I need must address. Oh, this is an interesting theological discussion. There is such a thing as sins of the mind, which is where you are thinking sinful thoughts. This doesn't sound necessarily like that. It also smacks a little of heresy, unless you're talking about your spirit living on forever,

eternal life. No, you're talking more of an actual existence, correct? I suppose. I realize I am being cryptic. I just as one of the, I don't know, main sort of scholarly minds in the field, I suppose I should come to the source. Oh, oh, well. Gabriel, you're... This is almost silly to ask. You're not considering vampirism. Are you? Is that where you're leaning towards raising?

Give me an insight check. Nobody else had to rule. Yeah, I know. Well, Justin's scripted his, so. Yeah, which makes things much easier. Oh, okay, I'm going to write my ending. It's an arcana check and not an insight. No, it's an insight check.

Insight check. Boy, it's a bad one, two, three. He kind of chuckles when you say that. And he says, off the mark, I'm afraid. It's nothing as salacious as all that. I appreciate your insight, Father Chippetto. I know that you are busy. But I hope I can call upon you again to speak to you sometime in the future once, well, these future actions become past events.

I say yes, let's keep that option open. But if I may add one caveat, do you mind? Sure. If this process of which you describe results. in harming any other living creature be forced to take action against you? He nods, looking concerned for a moment, and says,

my orders do not concern the living. Of that, I can assure you. I speak in terms of sin and consequence because that is the one. way that, well, human's minds operate. I, what I am doing is just a, a course correction. Uh, and he turns and... Wait, wait.

I want to make an investigation check. Okay. I really want to look at him. It's an 11. Um, 11 investigation check. He walks to the doors and opens. them, you try to like clock him to see like what this dude's deal is. The doors swing shut behind him. You didn't really get a chance to glean anything. And so you kind of follow him and crack the door open.

Outside, you see, first of all, storms are gathering. You see Gabriel throw on a writing cloak, a black riding cloak. Um, and he mounts a tall, muscular, pale horse. And he nods at you. Uh, he slings a, uh, what looks like some sort of, uh, sword or, uh, long blade over his shoulder that, uh, As it sort of rests on his back, you see is a scythe. And he takes the reins and turns the horse to ride west toward the city of Lumino.

Maximum Fun. A work-owned network of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.