The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 5

Episode Date: February 8, 2024

The vampire hunters fight their way through Frankenstein's lab, but the encounter forces their hand and the party makes some drastic changes. Mutt gets sloppy. Godwin shoots her shot. Phileaux has an out-of-body experience. Additional Music in this Episode: "Children - Our Life" by Nuno Adelaida: https://freemusicarchive.org/music/Nuno_Adelaida. Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary, the gift of immortality grants one ample opportunity to learn all sorts of lessons they wouldn't have time for otherwise. Like, for example, when partying with the Wolfman, never follow him to a second location. That dude is a menace. The most important lesson I have learned, however, is this, when dealing with new methods. So of achieving immortality, it behooves you to work with a tossed subject first. Now, I'm not certain poor Renfield's frail body can withstand any more experimentation. Fortunately, our new discovery has dovetailed quite nicely with the capture of my unrivaled hater in chief.

Griff, are we allowed to listen to those? Like, should we know them? It's a bit of what they call in like actual, actual play shows with like smart folks in it. Dramatic irony. And so it's weird because you know it, but Lady Godwin does not. Well, here's what's interesting, Griffin. Even though we're on, like, we got the cans on, as they say in the recording industry, I don't, I completely zone out because like I know I'm not allowed to talk during that point.

So it just turns into background. It's like, not me, not me, not me, not me, not me. My turn. Yeah, the adventure zone actually refers to the sunken place that Travis goes into when he knows he's not going to get a chance to put a hand on the ball for a few minutes. Into the white room he goes. Right in there. In a white room where I'm quiet and I hate it.

I'm impatient. I don't think so. Okay. I'm impatient. Interrupting. The adventure. We'll pick it up right where we left off. The shambling mound has dissolved into five hands remaining as well as the ones that are still out in the chamber.

And everyone outside of the chamber, and now you, too, Brother Philo, can see that a wild transformation has taken place as standing on the table inside of the containment unit is the wooden puppet boy Pinocchio. Hey Griffin, since yesterday, I've wanted to say something. We recorded the other episode yesterday. If I had a nickel for every time a character in the adventure zone's consciousness got transferred into a wooden body, I'd have two nickels. It's not a lot of nickels, but it's weird that it happened twice. That is a fair point.

And I love to mix it up here. I don't want to be predictable. And so shame on me for not expecting dad to put on a mystery helmet connected to a doomsday device and pressing the go button on it. And we're all here together and we're going to figure it all out. Let's pick things right back up. You know what? We'll say it is your turn, Brother Philo. You are...

Oh, we're still an initiative, aren't we? Yes, there are quite a few hands still remaining. and some of you, I won't name names, are nearly very dead. That's me. Just a reminder, if anybody has any healing abilities, I do have two hit points left. Yes. I was almost completely killed by lightning until it turned out that I had misunderstood what happened. So we've all been through our own traumas.

Yes, exactly. I would like a sort of immediate reaction, Brother Philo, as you have changed quite dramatically. Oh, boy. I can't. Nope. The voice is weirdly the same. I thought about it before we started recording. Yeah.

And what I decided was no. Oh, I'm sorry. No, I'm saying. Here's what's weird. Brother Philo's voice is the same, but dad yesterday was doing some sick tricks on his BMX. Yeah. Totally whiffed it and ended up just guillotine and his nerds. Yeah.

And so this is just how dad sounds now. The handlebar caught him right in the throat. Now he's a Pinocchio man. Um, no, nothing has changed. aside from the fact that your sense of touch is dramatically reduced and you are much smaller and your body is made of wood. And that's the only thing that's changed, huh? Other than that, though. That's basically it.

You are, when you talk, you do still seem to project it out through some means. Okay. I would really love it if we didn't do the Pinocchio voice little time. Oh, man, I've been working on it for 24 hours. And you know what? I'm going to say our audience will love it too. Yeah, it's a gift for them. Well, he's still holding the hand of Lady Godwin's hand. We're holding hands.

Pretty chill. It seems to be pretty chill in your grasp. It doesn't seem to be sort of creepily riving as the other hands in the room are. Brother Fowlo is going to try to escape from the chamber. with Lady Godwin's hand. Sure. You say there are five other hands inside there with this? There are. You are standing on a table sort of above all of them. So if you wanted to try some sort of maneuver to, you know, escape them.

I mean, you could also just spend your turn disengaging if you want to avoid taking five opportunity attacks. Yeah, I think. There are some gaps in the bars here that you can see now that. you are this size. Yeah. Okay, so, the brother Pinocchio takes

Lady Godwin's hand and raises two of the fingers in the hand into a P sign. Well, sorry, when you did that, your webcam automatically generated balloons in front of your face. Like 3D balloons, like an emoji.

Did it? When I did a P sign, Yeah, there you're gonna get there they go again. Amazing. Dad, why did, how did you do that? Dad, how did you do that? Legend? What do you?

Dad, you're so technologically inclined. Also, every time he does it, every time he does it, he disconnects from the call for like five seconds. Yeah, if his feed shits the bed. These incredible balloons. Does it work for me? Can I do balloons? I don't get, how come the rest of us don't get balloons? Dad, you have to tell me why when you give a peace sign balloons on the screen?

And your camera should submit We have the same camera, right? This is the worst audio on the planet Wait, we have the same camera set of them Hold on, hold on, hold on a lot This is the whole episode now. I'm gonna try it with, let me Don't, don't, if you break it, you have reduced your value to the show.

I'm trying with my right hand. Classic, okay. Yeah, and then he disappears. What's happening? I don't know why that's a feature. I don't know. clip for the Cicawks. Yeah.

Wow. That's good. All right. So he very slowly moves through towards the grid, carrying Lady Godwin's hand with her fingers in a peace sign. Okay. And just has a big smile on his puppet face. I like that a lot. I'm not going to make you roll for that.

I think that's, I think, you know, the senses of these hands are reduced, but if one of them seems to be communicating in this way, I think the other ones would be able to grok that. And so these five hands in the chamber with you, chill out and give you room to leave. Where are you going? Just sort of outside next to your body? I think head towards Lady Godwin. Okay, yes, who is right next to your body. Hi, fellas. And lady. Um, it's

Ha ha. It's me. There he goes. Brother Philo. Here it is. Hello. Oh, um, listen, this is going to come as a bit of a shock, but I got wood.

Um, gross. It's lovely that you get your sense of humor. Brother Philo, what on earth is happened to you? I do not know. I have been transferred into this, uh, wooden, a puppet boy. Uh, but that's, I don't want to. I don't want to bury the lead. Look, and he holds...

How is that not the lead? This is so cool. Oh, is this for me? That is your ring, isn't it? Isn't that your... Didn't we assume that was your hand? Oh, oh. Well, I'll be honest.

I didn't really think through beyond this point. This hand is mine. It's all rather gross, isn't it? It's rather foul to kill around one's own hands. You got yourself kind of like a thing situation going on, you know what I mean? You got yourself a little hand helper? In fact, as you reach out and touch your hand, its demeanor seems to change immediately. It chills out, it sort of tries to scuttle up your arm like a little friend.

It's, you feel a connection to it, not a physical one, but you feel like you are able to exert your will over this body part of yours. You always thought that old ring had some sort of magic in it. And maybe that's the case. I am going to give you, Lady Godwin, the cantrip mage hand, only it doesn't float. and it's made of flesh and muscle and bones and stuff. It's made of me, yes. Otherwise, it is able to... I think that if we're going to do that, then damage to the hand, I should feel.

I mean, okay, sure. I don't know how many dangerous situations you're going to put your hand into, but yes. Hey, Griffin, I'm 43 years old, and I put this boy, a bad boy into a lot of real... Okay, go ahead and put that on your character sheet. A lot of scrapes. Hey, sloppy. Bairf? I know I love.

lost a lot of blood, but is it just me or rather, Frasolo, a Pinocchio now? Oh, Paranooga. Yeah, he's Pinocchio now. Okay, making sure I wasn't just hallucinating. Okay, cool. I still have an action, right? You do, yes. Oh, boy, I don't know if Brother Falo would have his powers.

He does. In this wooden body. In this wooden body. Why are you fighting with Griffin on this? You have your powers, you are any, you know, sort of components you may need. you are right next to your human body, your down dead human body on the ground. Okay.

If you want to wield your magic, there are 15 hands in this room that mean you all harm, then it's not the worst idea. Well, I'm going to cast Healing Word. Okay. On who's down the lowest? Mutt. Yeah.

I'll cast Healing Word on mutt. All right. That is a splendid idea. Um, it says, a creature within range regains hit points of 1d4 plus your spell casting ability modifier. Uh, yes. So I picked up five hit points. Yes, that brings you up to seven. What does it look like when you heal, uh, brother Philo?

Um, he has a ring that, uh, was blessed by, um, Cardinal, uh, Baurusa. at the St. Tancred's and usually used for exorcisms. Okay. But it channels life energy. So he uses that. So basically he gives Lady Godwin her hand and then he lifts

Brother Philo's flesh hand which has the ring on it and it heals it heals mut for five points. There's a lot of complicated things going on. It's so good. It's a lot of handwork. It's close up, man. No, I just mean, like, complicated as far as how we maybe feel about these mortal coils in which we reside.

Yeah, sure. All right. Heal for five points there, Crawford. And next in the turn order is you, Crawford. Um, can I disengage as well? You certainly can. That is your action to do that. Yeah, it's just most of my stuff is like shooting my hunter's mark and being this close, I can't do that.

That is true. So I would like to disengage back, right, so I can move away. Yeah, for sure. Okay, then I'm going to do that. in which direction are you trying to go? Are you trying to regroup with your allies? Are you going for the exit? I am at this point, I'm not going for the exit,

so much as I'm just like moving back. I'm moving towards the exit, but not to leave, just to get a little space. Yeah, how about this? You are able to get up these stairs here, which will grant you the same sorts of advantages if these things make a move towards you. Okay.

Anything else? Any bonus action? and anything else you want to do? I'm going to bonus action. I'll do my Hunter's Mark. Okay. So the hand there in the middle of the three in front of Sloppy. Gotcha.

So you haven't used Hunter's Mark, and it's kind of a staple of the Ranger class. Can you sort of illuminate me what it does? Yeah, so with Hunter's Mark, I basically, when I hit that enemy, I do an extra one. D6 damage. Oh, wow, cool.

Okay. And it stays on that creature until the creature dies or if I use the bonus action on the next turn to move it to a different creature. So this costs a spell slot, but basically if you kill your mark, you move the mark over to someone else. Yeah. Or you can do it at will with a bonus action. Okay, cool. And I also have an advantage on any wisdom,

Procession or survival check to find that creature. So if it were to hide, I'm better tracking it, basically. Great. I love that. Okay. Next in the order is the, oh, is sloppy. Sloppy is going to try and take a bite of this hand that's right in front of him. He's going to fail.

I don't know how he fails is a hand. He's a dog. No. But it's a fast hand. and it evades his attack. Next to the order is the claws boy. Griffin, if you had to guess, how much time do I have left

on my animal friendship spell with Sloth? Oh, I mean, it hasn't been nearly an hour, right? Rounds of combat are six seconds. And he's got to be warming up to me at this point. I saved his life. Sure, maybe. Okay, so we are going to do the hands now. basically they are going to try and surround you all as much as is possible.

I will say the five inside of the test chamber are still pretty chilled out. So I'm not going to give them an action this turn. Your mark is actually going to go for you. Okay. One attack on you, mutt with disadvantage. A 10 versus AC? That's a miss. Okay.

There's two attacks on sloppy. Nine does not hit. 15 does hit. One of these things just does a... It's the one with your mark on. It does sort of a floating haymaker right into sloppy side. And he is down. Not dead, but he has been sort of...

knocked winded for a bit here. Okay, we're going to have... Oh, can I tell you? My mark? Yeah. Oh, I point out and go, that one right there? Yeah. And I spit on the ground.

All right, that's very good. And I spit on the ground. Great. We're going to do five attacks on you, Lady Godwin. You are still raging. 22. Oh, yeah. 20.

Are you asking if 22 hits my... I know it does. 22, 26, miss 11. Okay. So two hits. Two hits. Okay. That is eight damage total, rounded down to four.

And then a couple of these, let me see, how many we have left here. Two of the two remaining claws that are outside of the chamber are going to take attacks on Brother Pinocchio. Okay. Using the same character sheet you've got now. Okay. 13. Does that make your AC? No.

Okay. That is one hit for four bludgeoning damage. Okay. And then a six, which misses. And we go right back to the top of the order. We've got Lady Godwin at the top. Lady Godwin, you are surrounded on preemptive. pretty much all sides right now.

You have Pinocchio and Dead Filo immediately behind you. You have the containment unit immediately behind you. That operating table with the skeleton on it is right in front of you. That is sort of the scene as it is now. So one more time. I'm in, we got seven hands. Brother Philo, I see two icons here. Do I still clock his body?

Yes. Okay. I was thinking about making an escape, but I feel like that's going to be a tough putt with the situation that we're in. If you wanted to attempt some maneuver, I am fully loving it. Like, we can figure that out. I don't want you to think. Well, no, I was just debating a retreat versus like trying to annihilate all these friggin, these frigging hands. when I look at the scene

has electricity been completely discharged from this situation? Is there like any do I get the sense that like electricity is no longer a factor here after the what happened? There is some faint flickering. In the, I will say specifically

the console. It seems to be in some sort of like standby mode but there is a some of the panels are still illuminated. There is a faint glow from kind of the revealed wires where it has been sort of smashed up. So it is not completely dormant, no. Okay.

I'm gonna try something. I don't know if it's going to work, but I'm looking at all these wires and all these hands in the map are just kind of like draped across all these fucking wires. And I'm just going to hit the console with my sword, with Jennifer Myers, my axe, just as hard as I can. I'm going to try to destroy that and see if I can fry all these hands.

Okay. With the power of electricity. We're going to do a couple rolls here. Okay. The first role is going to be a melee attack role against this machine. This is made of metal. It is somewhat sturdy. We'll say that you need a 14 to hit.

Yeah, that's a 23. Okay. That is sufficient. vision. You hack into this thing, into one of the sort of exposed panels, and your axe buries itself inside of the gully works there. I need you now to make a luck check. Okay. Straight D20 roll. Higher is better. A six. Great. How is that high, Griffin? Like, what's your, like, if you ask me, Griffin on a scale of 1 to 10, where's your pain level? And I say, at six, would that be high to you? I think, Trave, the better question is, where's your pain level on a scale of 1 to 20? Oh, good point.

Yes, six. That makes actually more sense. That's, yeah, that feels good. Okay, a six, with a six, there is a, it does not sort of zip through the wires destroying every hand in the room. It is going to make a small electrical explosion around the, the panels here. And so I need you and Brother Philo to make a decoenix. Exeterity saving throw, please.

Philo rolled at 21. Exterity saving. Now that's high. There we go. Sixty. Okay. You two both save. Of the hands, two of them save.

The rest are disintegrated in the resulting explosion. But you two have gotten out of scot for you. I will say that your body, brother Philo, has now been, pretty thoroughly singed. I will say the coat that you had on is like a little bit on fire now. It is a grizzly scene.

We should just, I think at this point we just stop worrying about that steak that used to be brother Philo over there. Is it? Pinocchio's our new boy now, you know what I mean? Yeah, sure. Can I make it to Muntner from do I have enough move?

Um, yes, you will take an attack of opportunity against the crawling claw that is still next to you, but you can do it. Great. I'm going to do that. Okay. Here comes that attack. 21 versus AC, that's a hit. Five round it down. Three. You take three points of bludgeoning damage. Okay. I am going to frenzy and attack the hand next to Crawford. Ooh, what's that? boot knife. What? What is frenzy? Starting when you choose this path

at third level, you can go into a frenzy when you rage. If you do so, the duration of your rage, you can make a single melee weapon attack as a bonus action on each of your turns after this one. Cool. All right. Which path did you go down? Is it a berserker? I think berserker, yeah. Okay, cool.

Yeah, but yeah, berserker. All right, make a melee attack roll against... Sorry, go ahead. Make an attack roll against the claw next to Mutter. Okay. Dang.

Bad luck. 11. It's a hand. It hits. It's not. Hey, all right. It's not some proud night. Okay.

Damage? 13. Well, how weird. I clicked it, and you clicked it at the same time, and we got the exact same numbers. Weird. Okay. Yeah, a 13, again, just fingers go aflion, and then this thing is destroyed. Very good that you did that.

because mutt does not work particularly well under melee pressure. That's what I was thinking. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Mm-hmm. Next in the order is... My pleasure, dear, please.

Do you need any help getting yourself off the ground? No, I'm shaky, but I'm standing. Don't you worry, I got this. All right. Next in the order is, I believe, Brother Philo. Brother Philo, you are up. I'm... Well, at the risk of being repetitive,

repetitive, he's going to cast healing word on Lady Godwin, because she's getting down there too. Nah, she looks good. If you look at Lady Godwin, she's like, hey! She gives you a thumbs up. Okay, so there are three hands left? Outside of the tank, there are four hands left. Inside there are five. Brother Pinocchio takes Brother Philo's quarterstaff and wax the hand. nearest to him. All right. I love it. I mean, let's just call it. Let's just do it. Yeah, sure. Yeah, man. Get the hands. Roll a, a, uh, roll and attack roll against this crawling claw. Oh, my God. Yeah,

20. That's very good. Uh, roll, roll damage on that for me. If you just click the name, the quarterstaff plus one little button there. Yeah, I did. Jesus Christ. A bludgeoning damage. Can I get dad to describe what this looks like? Yeah, please. Because I'd love you here. Okay, so he, uh, uh, Brother Pinocchio clambers up onto the bed. Uh-huh. And, uh, and kind of takes the quarterstaff, which is like twice as long as he is. Yeah.

Uh, and kind of pole vaults off the table. Sure. Mm-hmm. With the quarters. Now, wait. Now, Dad, you're doing a lot of big talk that's not just swinging a stick. Let him. Hey, listen. He got a, he got a 22 draft. Okay. You're right. You're right. You're right. I'm attacking with it. And so like the pole vault.

He goes running forward and then plants the pole vault on top of one of the hands and vaults over it. All right. How about this? Smushing it with a quarterstown. I love this a lot. You've already gotten the hit. For a bonus, make an acrobatics check for me. Okay.

You know what? You had height on this thing. I'll grant you advantage on that. With this move, you jab the pole down into the claw right in front of you and land on top of the one behind it. in a sort of leapfrog maneuver, and you take out both of those hands. Nice. And next in the order is mutt.

Yeah, I'm going to take game at the one that I have Mark on. Okay. Use my heavy crossbow. Why did you roll twice? Oh, I turned off advantage. I got a 12. Okay. Yes, so 12 hits, absolutely. You can roll damage.

Five. Five. Yep. Oh, plus, sorry, plus one D six. So one. So six. Okay. You pin this thing to the ground, and it rives,

trying to escape, and then gives up the ghost. Okay, then I use my bonus action to transfer my mark to the other one. Okay. And put a little red on him. Next in the order is sloppy, who is going to, to try and bite the one remaining hand. He fails. He does not do it.

And the hand is going to try to counter. Does not hit. A very exciting round of combat from those two. The five claws inside of the containment unit seem to be coming two. They move upwards towards the bars that you just climb through Pinocchio. But they are still inside. Next to the order is Lady Godwin. Um, the, uh, the, the, the, the tank is, what's the status of the tank itself?

Um, I mean, the tank looks pretty much the same. The tank is pretty, pretty gigantic. You haven't done any sort of structural damage to the tank. Okay, perfect. That's great. Uh, I'm going to, uh, uh, let's look and see what's nearby. Uh, I'm going to attack the glass above the hands, since they're all clumped. together right from that main plate. I'm going to try to shatter the glass onto the hands and try to take out as many as I can. I want this to work for you. I'm rooting for you. Can I advise sort of putting yourself like, Max, this is going to be a hell of a role. I think you're going to have to probably chuck your axe to, like, get this to work. And you are fairly low on the ground.

So is there, is there, how are you going about doing this to ensure that the role I'm going to ask of you is not insanely high? Um, well, I will, you know what? I'll mix it up. I'm going to chuck my javelin. Oh, interesting. Okay, that is a throwing weapon. Yeah, thank you. Um, all right. Make a, are you, are you moving before you make this role? I'm getting as close as, uh, let's see, I'm not going to get attacks of opportunity. I am going to hop up on the table, though. I'm going to jump up onto the table to get a little bit of hide on it. Okay. And then I'm, I'm going to chuck the javelin at the, uh,

the glass. Okay, make an attack roll, please. Hmm. It's all right. Happens. I don't care. You want to tell the audience what happened? I got an eight. That's an eight. It's an eight. It's an eight. Whether he had advantage or not. So you roll it eight. With an eight,

you chuck the javelin, heroically, up towards the top of the containment unit. And it hits one of these sort of like girders and just kind of pings off. It then rolls down the sloped side of the containment unit and then plummets and jabs downward

into Brother Philo's dead body on the ground. It's now sticking out of it. Oh no, Philo, I am so sorry. That was not the, I was not a, I am so oh, this is terrible. I'm sorry.

You are up, brother Philo. Seems like he's pretty down to me, where did it, where did it, where did it hit? Your favorite leg. Don't say the nards. No, not in the nards. That would be wild and grotesque.

Even for us, it does go into your leg. And it is sticking straight up in the air proudly. Griffin, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, the network. The network, they left notes on it, Griff, the thing, they said they wanted to be in the butt. This is the network. Okay. It's not us.

We'll take it again. We'll take it again. The explosion from the console rolled you over. just in time for the javelin to stick into your Listen network, but cheek. It's not going in. Jesse, is happy not. Jesse, did you hear? Say it again for Jesse so he can hear.

It goes in the cheek, it doesn't go in. Thank you, Jesse. Thanks, Jesse. Geez. Okay, you're up, Philo. Okay. Philo is going to push the green button on the console.

The console is destroyed at this point He just destroyed it with his axe And I am sorry for that So we can have Not think about the possibility reversing this terrible thing That's happened to you

And I am sorry In the heat of the moment I wanted to fry the hands with the axe Yeah I understand I am in the heat of the moment I didn't think about it I too in my defense It says right there on my sheet

Path of the Berzurker It's daddy It's okay Thank you dad Daddy understand I'm sorry. So the only claws that are left

are inside the tank? There's one left that has the hunter's mark on it. Oh, okay. And then you have the five inside the tank, yes. Brother Pinocchio

runs towards the remaining claw. Okay. And had pretty good success. It's hit with it, quarter staff. In this case, he's just

smushing. Yeah, you're doing great. He's not doing the pole. Volvault thing. He's just going to bring it down. Just classic. Thack it. Just going to thwack it. Great. So I will click it. It's a critical failure.

Oh. You... That has a plus five on that, though. It's pretty good for... Pinocchio, man. Yeah, well, Pinocchio, man. Yeah, with a one... The quarterstaff is an extension of himself. He tells a lie and hits it with his big nose.

It's just so heavy You got a little body now And the staff is so heavy And so you try to lift it up And it just kind of like falls backwards Over your shoulder And the attack fails I like that, yeah

Next is Crawford Munder So I have an idea And you tell me if this works Okay Crawford Uh, grabs the cable That he severed From the

Wirebeast Okay. That was still connected to the fizzling, the sparking one. Yeah. My thought being that it was disconnected from the system at the time and would still have power in it.

Sure, yeah, I'll allow it. And he jams it into the metal of the cage, the sparking end into the metal of the cage to electrify the metal. Yeah. A lot. This is very cool. Let's do a...

Hmm. I think we'll keep it consistent. I think one way or to other, this is going to do something. I don't know how to resolve it except for with a straight D20 luck check. I have no reason to believe that this is something that you would have any skill or for like experience with. Eight. Okay. God.

How, our luck. Okay. Same. I will say with an eight, these claws have nowhere to go. The claws inside of the unit have nowhere to go. And so they are, they try to crawl around frantically, trying to find some escape, but they are electrocuted. You see Brother Philo's body is like still pressing up against the console. And so it just kind of like involuntarily convulses.

I'm so sorry. An arc of lightning shoots out of his butt javelin and just sort of zips across the room. And in fact, that arc of lightning hits the last remaining claw. Of course, yes. And incinerates it to Crawford Muttner. I'm going to need you to make a dexterity saving throw. You want a 15 or higher. Okay.

Dex saving throw. I'm good at those, hopefully. Yes. Yes. Oh, okay, good. Yes, you manage to let go of the cable just in time, which is, you know, you move faster than the speed of light. That's impressive.

and you avoid damage on this. And with that, we are out of combat. Soundheap with John Luke Roberts is a real podcast made up of fake podcasts. Like, if you had a cupboard in your lower back, what would you keep in it? So I'm going to say mugs. A little yogurt and a spoon. A small handkerchief that was given to me by my grandmother on her deathbed. Maybe some spare honey?

I'd keep batteries in it. I'd pretend to be a toy. If I had a cupboard in my lower back, I'd probably fill it with spree. If you had a cupboard in your lower back, what would you keep in it doesn't exist. We made it up for Soundheap with John Luke Roberts. An award-winning comedy podcast from Maximum Fun made up of hundreds of stupid podcasts. Listen and subscribe to Soundheap with John Luke Roberts. Now.

Oh, darling, why won't you accept my love? My dear, even though you are a Duke, I could never love you. You, you borrowed a book for me and never returned it. Save yourself from this terrible fate by listening to Reading Glasses. We'll help you get those borrowed books back and solve all your other reader problems. Reading glasses every Thursday and maximum fun. Mutsner, I need your help. We only have moments.

Please, help me with Brother Philo. I walk over to the Pinocchio, okay? No, the other Brother Philo, we only have moments. Sorry, I don't even think about him as Brother Philo anymore. I understand, we can fix this. I know I shattered. I can fix it. And then she grabs one of the cables and jams it into Brother Philo's corpse.

Okay. Trying to defibrillate him? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go, hey, this is a goof. Just have some fun with me here. I love goofs. I love goose. I love when they have impact on the game, too.

So roll the luck check for me. If you get a natural 20, something will happen. Okay. I would have to think that Brother Pinocchio would want to help. Yeah, I rub brother Pinocchio's body on Philo's body to see if that does anything. This will work. This is awesome.

This is great. So that's a seven. Okay, that didn't work. Listen, I know the problem. I've seen this before. Okay. The problem is that the Pinocchio still exists. The soul has become trapped in this Pinocchio.

And we must free the sun. I've seen this before. Wait. Desperately sorry. Hold on. I'm desperately sorry about the console. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You've seen this before?

Many times I've been all of them well-traveled. I've seen this before. We must destroy the Pinocchio, loose the soul, and it will just right back into the body. You've seen this exact thing before. This exact thing before. It was the Duke and Duchess of Lavoria. Yeah. Brother Filo, not now.

We're trying to save Brother Fino. Brother Philo? We're trying to save your life. Now, get out of that puppet and get back into this corpse. We need an exorcism. Give me the ring. What? No, no.

I've become quite attached. No, his ring. No, no, my ring. My ring. Oh, you're all. The exorcism ring. If you get Brother Filo's ring... She takes...

Take the ring off of Brother Filo? And give it to Brother Filo. Okay, I'll take the ring off of Brother Philo, and I smack it onto his chest, like I'm trying to... like I'm trying to start his heart again. There we go. This should do it. One moment, everyone. I need silence. I think the problem is that we have not destroyed the Pinotio.

Okay. I think if we shatter the... It will free the soul and then... I think it's worth a shot. Brother Fylo... In the... The wooden brother Fylo, where are you at on this? Because I would love for you to weigh here,

and you're being very quiet over here, and honestly, I feel like I'm more concerned than you are. No, I can't get a word in edgewise. Um, um, you know what? I think you might be on to something. Destroy me, Mutnav. Destroy me! No, that actually creeps me to fuck out the way you said I don't like that one bit.

Okay, chop me up. I don't, I, I should admit, I have not seen this before. Okay. I am sorry, I just felt so guilty. about destroying that in a fit of rage. I have not been in, I do not know what came up for me. If I'm being honest,

I just started smashing those little fingies and I thought I would fry them all with hitting the console. And I am sorry for my rash behavior. Now, if I'm, can I do some mediation here? Yes. Brother Philo? Yes.

Do you maybe have some words you'd like to say to Lady God? Oh, absolutely. I bear you no ill will, my lady. I am actually, I'm, I'm, I go along with your idea. I think, perhaps, but a combination of using my exorcism ring and, uh, destroying this wooden vessel, perhaps there's a way to get my spirit back into my, uh, my, my, my, my, my, my, my, my flesh bag. Well, let's talk. Let's talk about this.

I didn't realize this would be a genuine discussion. I do fear, upon reflection, that should this attempt fail your soul, as it were, if you like, are maybe sort of, well, dead. I don't, I'm seen dead. I don't know. I'm dead. You know, what happens to souls when they go away? It's dead.

Listen, this is your call. That's kind of my area of expertise. It's your call, brother, follow. But also, I would like to draw attention to the state of the husk that was once your body. This is a good point. Even if you were to get back into it, I don't think that body would be alive no more. It does seem to have some serious structural issues. I mean, while you are having this conversation, the body is actively a little on fire from all the electricity that has course through it.

fix her up, is it? The wood body or the flesh body? Well, the flesh one, what's got the javelin in its butt, they got electrocuted, uh, yeah, that, that in and of itself, maybe, uh, would put you off. Can we, uh, loot? Lute. Can we go ahead and loot brother? Please.

I, in my head, I want just a hard cut to us back with the guy. It gave us the job. And it's me and Muttner and Bonnokio. And we're like, we did it. Mission a cop. I will say you have stopped the hand threat that you were assigned. So mission. So a successful hand job.

Yeah, we did. Yeah, absolutely. A hand job to completion. Cool. What's wrong? Nothing. It's all good stuff. Hey, can we all just take a moment?

Uh, phylo, is that you in the puppet? Um, uh, apparently, yeah. Okay, cool. Great. So this is all weird, right? Like, I know you're a Frankenstein and, like, you do, like, sciencey magic stuff and I fight monsters and everything. But even then, we can, we need to take minutes every so often. It's strange, it's a strange crucially.

Yeah, because we just, like, fought a bunch of crawling hands. and there was like a cable monster? Maybe. Does it, do you still feel? And she pokes him in the tummy? Oh, good question. I poke him in the tummy too. No, no, no.

Actually, the sensation is, I mean, I can tell there's some kind of contact, but tactily, no. Well, we'll fix this out. Spitzpott one moment. She picks up, uh, uh, Brother Philo's puppet Puppet, Brother Fylo It picks up the puppet

And starts just kind of squishing it Against Brother Filo's corpse Right around the torso Oh, that's good I get some rope And I tie it so the hands The wrists are like on the arms And the legs are on the legs

A reverse puppet Okay sorry I go My thing Yeah Go ahead Just take it late Just do it Get back

We do the reverse Whatever you did Absorb. Oh. It's a little squishy. It's a little squishy. Do you breathe? I think I've torn a small bone here, one moment.

That was a rib. I am so sorry. I don't think this is working. No, I don't think it is working either. Okay, well, I'll release. What I love, just to take the listener behind the curtain, is we did take a break for a few days after recording the bit you just listened to

which ended with a lot of, I will say, slapstick body horror of trying to do this exact thing. And now there's even more of it happening now. To the listener experience, this show has become something profane. Yeah. This show has become something foul and against God.

Kronenbergian levels. I love it. You all have solved my hand puzzles. Officially. and you are now in a relatively chill underground scary lab. Still smell is super bad and there's dead hands everywhere, but it's a lot less dangerous than it was moments ago. I would like to do a medical check of some kind

to sum up the damage to the... To your body? Yes. Okay, this will be fun. Go ahead and give me a medicine check. Okay. It's wild to me that you have a minus one in medicine as an art. You may be the world's first artificer to have a minus one in medicine, but I do love that for you. Okay.

I have a plus three in medicine. How am I better at medicine than you? Am I doing like mountain folksy medicine? He's not a doctor. He's an alchemist. He's an artificer. Right. He's not really a healer.

He does have some healing, but it's not his strong suit. Alchemy is like magic shoes. There's not, you didn't go to Johns Hopkins for alchemy. You went to a witch's mushroom. Well, then I would say perhaps some kind of observation check would be better. Arcana or not Arcana. Arcana. Maybe, I mean, your magic.

Does Arcana count? Like, it's arcana, right? Your body is very magically dead. But if you want to give me. And magically delicious. If you want to give me an investigation check, I will. Let me do that because... Okay.

Okay. That's lower. So let's stick with medicine. I mean, okay, both of these... You got an 11 investigation and a 12 medicine check. There's a couple issues. One, there's a javelin in your butt. I assume you retrieve that lady Godwin?

Your special javelin that is stuck in Brother Philo's... Okay. My beloved javelin. Yeah, there's not a javelin in your butt now, but your butt now has two holes, which is twice as many as it's supposed to have. you have been pretty thoroughly electrocuted, which you assume is maybe the thing

that puts it past the point of no train. But also, I will say another issue is that when you look... Wait, wait, what do you mean desecrated? Not desecrated. Your body has been stabbed and electrocuted, and now also, if you look at it from the right angle, you can see a little Pinocchio indentation in the front of it where Pinocchio has been pushed into it.

That said, magic and medicine do allow for some pretty wild things in this world. So it's not, you know, beyond the realm of possibility. I mean, shit, look at Lady Gobind. That's a head that got exploded by a car and is now still walking around. I'm terribly sorry, Philo, but you're going to have to make a choice. We can't leave this behind here, especially. We're going to have to make a choice about your...

body or not we you you know oh extremely unsettling to be looking at my own

form now having said that it's bad over here yeah me too man and also can I just say it'd be weird if you were totally comfortable with this well no there are some advantages um

I used to have a lot of problems with arthritis but that's gone Um, um, um, but I, I, I have a certain, I, I have a certain fondness for this. Yeah. I mean, I've lived in it for 19 years. True. Wait, you were only 19? Hard living, man.

It's the tonsure. The tonsure really age is, it ages one, doesn't it? Ages you. Jesus. Well, I tell you, you know what, do you, I don't want to give up hope completely. I'm with you. Lady Godwin, I agree. But I'd like to...

Do you think it would be safe here in the containment thing? I mean, we got rid of all the goolies. Well, just in case there's a chance. That assumes, one assumes there, that no one will return. Because then you've left yourself open to being reanimated in someone using your body for whatever nefarious purposes. It also assumes that I'm not going to absolutely lay waste to this building as we flee. Well, we could just lock the door as we leave. No, we can't.

Griffin, I'd like to look around and see if I'm fine, I don't know, like a deep freeze. Maybe a big fat of formaldehyne? No, there's nothing quite that. Well, you know what? Give me an investigation check. You're looking for something specific. That's a four. That's a four.

Yeah, you don't see, you don't see that. I see a big ziplag bag. Hey, Griffin with a four, that really lets you off the hook of having to describe it. You can just say no. You see a very little bottle of formalde. Oh, man. It's so small. It is not the right taste.

Sloppy walks over to you, Brother Philo. He starts chewing on his leg. Sloppy looks at you just doe-eyed, as sweet and innocent. as this giant mastiff face will allow it and just goes sloppy eat it Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Once again two nickels Griffin loves plant dogs that eat bodies Sloply eat it

Cappoo eat it Well Check a little life You know what? Hmm I'm going to go with Lady Godwin's point It is very unsettling We can't

lug it around, can we? Can we lug it around? I won't. You're a puppet. You got magic. Can you shrink it? No. Oh, do. I can put it in this tiny bottle from Maldai. You shrink it small enough. I put it in this tiny bottle. Oh, please. Oh, do try to shrink yourself down. Please. For me? Well. At the very worst, it'll be funny.

He's not level three. I, let me try something. Give me a second. I need a second. Oh, okay. Yeah, you need a second. Well, I'll tell you what, why don't you think about it? I like to poke around a little. Yeah, let's let's help around what I think about it. I have an odd idea. Oh, great. What? You? I, okay. Just so you know, sloppy eat is on the table if you decided to do that. I'm thinking of sloppy eat it is a plan. Okay. I'm going to look around to see if this is a real, I mean, it's a long shot, but it stands to reason to me that if Frankenstein knew about Dracula, which obviously did.

He does, yeah. I want to see if I can find any sorts of like communique or notes that he may have taken on Dracula or notes on how to hurt Dracula if Dr. Frankenstein had considered that. because to me it feels like that's something he would have been invested in. Oh, like how Batman has the secret plans. Exactly, that's exactly, yes, 100%. Okay. Give, um, give,

I think, uh, I can offer you, uh, a couple of checks. Give Flash a bunch of carbs. Just make them real sleepy. Yeah, I see. A couple of checks here. Uh, one would just be an investigation check, looking around to see like what you can find that would suggest something. I would also allow a like history check or,

similar check to kind of like put the pieces together a little bit of what what your takeaway from this facility is. None of it matters. I mean, I'm just a big, dumb brute. I'll click investigation, you know, broken clock, right, twice a day, et cetera. Yeah, sure. That's a fucking 19th. That's a pretty good investigation check.

Hey, holy shit. You start searching the lab. It has been cleared out, right? 19 investigation check. This place was was cleared out. It's a huge space with not actually a ton of stuff in it. And you have also heard from multiple people at this point that Frankenstein doesn't really use this lab. Frankenstein resides at Dracula's castle now. This is sort of a satellite facility which explains its sort of state of general kind of disrepair. You do find a little bit of stuff. You find in a waste bin. You find Lots of different maps of Luminon. Lumino, not as you kind of like know it now, is this grand illuminated, you know, modern bohemian metropolis. This is like Luminow, as you sort of knew at seven years ago. Still a big city, but not like weird and special in the way that Luminow is now.

And when I say maps, it's not just like navigational maps. There is, there are topographical maps. there are a lot of utility maps showing, you know, underground work and all that jazz that have been, those have been like marked up and covered in notes that are written in a shorthand that you can't quite decipher. In that same way, spin, you also find what looked like almost like patent drawings of a mind transference device. There are a lot of different iterations on kind of like the blueprints that you find. And it looks like it has been sort of polished dramatically over time. And a couple of them, you actually see versions that look more advanced than the machine that's in this lab, which suggests that what Philo used is kind of like not the final version. All of that kind of put together, you know that Dracula is all about discovering eternal life, like better, more efficient, more everlasting versions of eternal life.

and that Frankenstein is essentially his collaborator. That is kind of all the stuff that you take away from this good investigation. Okay, great. Ditto, before Dad takes his swing at shrinking his corpse. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I also investigate the other corpse in the room, the one that was hooked up to the machine before Brother Philo put the helmet on. This is an investigation check?

Um, you're doing? I actually, I want to do a survival check to see if I can figure out, like, What killed it, like what happened to the body? Like if I came upon a corpse in the woods and I'm doing some tracking stuff, you know what I mean? I will allow that. This is a skeleton that has been picked fairly clean over time. I'm going to need a 15 DC or higher to get something like useful out of this. Fuck.

An 11. That is 11. No. Okay, with an 11, you don't get a lot. You, you know what you notice that there are. some scratch marks on this operating table about where the skeleton's hands were. So this person was, what killed this thing is the same thing that essentially just unalived brother Philo, which is the machine.

Hey brother Philo. Yes. Not sure exactly how to phrase this question, but is it possible when you jumped into that little wooden boy? you pushed out like another consciousness or there's like another one swirling around in there with you or... Take a big around.

Yeah. Hmm. Well, it's possible there was blackness and there was a moment where I was outside of my old, my flesh bag. Yeah.

Old is accurate. And before I jumped into this beautiful wooden, boy. But I don't... You've switched to allegiance is so quick, by the way. The way you sound about your body compared

to this new Pinocchio body, you're like, fuck that old bag. I'm a pragmatist. I'm following Lady Godwin's lead. I think that was a wonderful suggestion. Yes.

Philo, you're a boy of science. Can we put you on this table, see if you can figure out anything about this skeleton? Um, well, certainly, yes. Why, that's a wonderful idea. Um, I'll be right back, Fleshy. No, I don't like that. All right.

Uh, yes, let me, uh, let me see. Um, oh, I don't have glasses to put on anymore. Yeah, you've Spider-Man. You could see great. It's the worst, the worst Lysic. Yes, but I, I don't need the glasses anymore. Oh, it's wonderful. All right, very well.

Um, so. What do you think? I mean, Investigation, Arcana. Can we do Arcana? Because obviously there's some kind of magic involved here. Griffin, if science is, like, it raises a good question.

In a world where science is not behaving like our science, right? Like, ostensibly, Frankenstein is still a scientist. Would that be a science check? So we, in the last episode, sort of established, Arcana as science is. Oh, damn. Yeah. Yeah.

And Griffin, additional question. How do you know that the color red you see is the same color red that I see? Oh, man. Hey, Chegg, guys, what if we're the aliens? Whoa. Wait a minute. Oh. Red has kind of a woody finish from this.

Oh. Give me investigation or arcana if you're trying to sort of like deduce the, I don't know, some sort of scientific gleaning from this. Okay. So he leans down and he's, okay. I'm 19 Yeah Okay

19 I don't think that you you gleaned any sort of scientific discovery that you didn't sort of experience firsthand when you put this machine on

and used it yourself just looking at this skeleton You do feel that feeling that you feel when you look at brother Philo dead on the ground Your body I should say You are brother Philo

when you look at your body on the ground, there is a part of you you can't quite understand that feels the same way about this skeleton. And you're not entirely sure what to make of that and you can't quite access that,

but it is something that sticks out to you. Okay, are we any more business in the laboratory? Are you going to try and treat your body down? Any money? Is there any money? lab equipment we can sell, copper pipes. Let's get out of here.

I'm done. Well, there's one thing I think Finala wants to try. Yeah, do it? Great. He, one of his things is creating experimental elixirs. There's an elixir called

Transformation. Great. That allows you to alter the body. There's no way it says. Okay, go ahead. The drinker, now we're talking philosophical here. Oh, yeah, I love this. What if green is different?

The drinker's body is transformed as if by the alter self-spell. Great. The drinker determines the transformation caused by the spell, the effects of which lasts for 10 minutes. So that is Brother Philo's body. So if he pours the elixir in the body, he can transform. I'm looking for a little leeway here. You can change your appearance, transform your appearance, you decide what you look like, including your height, weight,

facial features, sound of your voice, hair, length, coloration, and distinguishing characteristics, if any. I want to shrink him down and put him in the bottle. And then we mix formaldehyde and this potion. You would need to change size for that though. No. You would need enlarger or reduce, right? No, you can change appearance.

You can change your, it says height and weight. Okay. I will allow this because I will allow this. This is your, well, hold on, wait a, one second. Do you have... Who are you, are you? You're the Giac. The fucking Gygax.

The soul of Gary Gygax. Oh, I don't know about this. It seems like kind of a stretch to me. He's coming in through the ceiling. He's giving me two big thumbs up. Thanks, Gareth. I'm giving you the Gygax. Okay.

Yes, did this use up a charge of something? Can you only do this a certain number of times a day, I hope? Because if not, you could... You would be the most... powerful sorcerer in the land. After a long rest, you can magically produce an experimental elixir in an empty flask. Okay, so just what? Okay, got it. All right. You know what? We're bending the rules a bit, but this is a dead body. It is not a thing. Because I would say this is a very unique circumstance

where you couldn't do this to any other dead body, but because you are the drinker technically You pour this potion in Brother Philo's mouth, and you just shrink him, you just shrink him bottle size? I want to shrink him down small enough to put in, because I think he picks up the, he had an elixir belt that Brother Filo did that I think puppet Philo is going to turn into like a bandolier. Okay, cool. I like that. All right. It puts him in one of those vials. It is

Maybe the TV style Sure Yeah exactly The most upsetting thing I think you have witnessed So far is you

pouring a potion Down your own Dead mouth There is something hugely upsetting about that But within seconds Sure enough Your body shrinks down Into bottle size

And you are able to Take it along with you Add your own Shrunken corpse To your inventory And I put the formaldehyde in that thing. No, no, I don't want to pickle him. I may want to revive him someday.

Hey, bud. Hey, bud. What do you think's going to happen? All right, all right. Pour in the formaldehyde. Okay. This is so rough. Kibitzer.

You have done it. Okay. You have your own preserved body. I don't want Brother Filer's body in the danger zone, dad. I'm trying to help you out here. He's not food. You can't leave him on the counter for too long, my man. I will say this.

When you shrink down Brother Philo, sloppy looks at him like the most delectable, most incredible morsel he has ever seen it his whole life. Once you dunk him in the formaldehyde, I think he loses interest, though. Hey, sloppy, buddy. Hey. Floppy.

Yeah, listen, we've had some good time. We're at a minute 58 here. And, um, are you still going to be my friend when the spell wears off? He shakes his head, sloppy. Okay, I get that. Sloppy eat you. Yeah, I get that.

Hey, man, I get that circle of life shit. Look at all these hand corpses all over the ground. Good town, Sloppy, and we're going to go. Don't follow us. You can't? He said he was going to eat me. Yeah, follow. Let's go, man.

Well, I kind of like the big lug. I was going to ride him. I like him, too. Did you hear him say that when the... us smell ends. He's gonna eat us. I do. I heard him, but I didn't know if I heeded that. All right. Let's away. Yeah, I scoop up Lady Aggie,

like a baby in my arms. Now just Aggie. There's no more this lady nonsense. I scoop up Aggie, like a baby in my arms, because she's a very good girl. And I take her away from all this. She seems terrified still. Yeah, always says to you. Hey, baby, I know that was a lot. That was a lot. You're a good girl. Who's a good girl? As you carry your dog towards the exit of the building, she seems to be getting more and more kind of like upset. As you climb the stairs and step back out into the junkyard,

you see a figure standing in front. front of the now closed gate. He is silhouetted by the light of the rising moon. He is taller than you expected. His presence is captivating. He is radiating power and terror. And yet you are also unable to look away from him. Billy Zane? As you, your eyes adjust to the light outside, you see Count Dracula standing before you, he says. Good evening. Maximum Fun. A worker-owned network of artist-owned shows.

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