The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Dracula - Episode 9

Episode Date: March 7, 2024

The vampire hunters infiltrate a were-house in order to restore Godwin, but they are anything but welcome.  Mutt gets dealt a flush hand. Phileaux conducts some under-the-counter business. Godwin showcases her assets.Dice sounds by Tal M. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary, when I was new to the immortality game, I got some great advice from the mummy. He told me, Dracula, he said, everlasting life can be a real drag if you don't got a purpose. Then he turned into a million locusts. My purpose is luminon, but before I settled on that, I did bounce around between a few hodontes. other hobbies, one of which being hedonism. It's not a chapter of my life I'm particularly proud of, but I must admit. Mine and the Wolfman's achievements in the field of Bacchanalia are this stuff of party legend. Can I just say, Griffin, we can shut this out if I'm not supposed to hear the intro, but describing hedonism as a hobby, it makes me wildly happy.

Okay, that's okay. I mean, it sounds like Travis loves Dracula. And the whole purpose of this whole campaign is to kill him. I just didn't know, like, maybe there were people during the pandemic who are like, you know what, I'm going to pick up? I've always wanted to try hedonism. Sure. Coucho however you want, but Dad and Justin, keep your heads on a swivel.

Because I think you might have a co-conspirator in your midst. A fang lover. The three of you, after nearly a full day's ride following your encounter. have arrived at the ungentle wood and following a shockingly large number of animal tracks, you all have made your way with less than an hour to spare on your curse clock, Lady Godwin, at a clearing in the woods, a shady copse in which you find a two-story building crafted from slate-colored cinder blocks. and prismatic light is just blasting out of the windows and doors in syncopation with just the most hype electronica you have ever heard. There is a neon sign hanging over the front door, which is itself flanked by a doggie door and a large barn door.

The neon sign reads, the warehouse spelled with an E for the joke of it. The We are a house. there is a line of a dozen or so animals waiting to enter the bar being held at bay by a massive gorilla wearing a tight black t-shirt and jeans holding a clipboard with a microphone headset on. And also, you notice as you approach this clearing surrounding the perimeter of the bar, there is a large circle of green light that spans almost the whole clearing, the purpose for which isn't immediate. clear just by looking at it. You all arrive, you know, in the trees still, cloaked from the animals waiting to enter the warehouse and the bouncer outside, able to have a beat here to react and plan. I would like, I'm putting a new system into the adventure zone. I just invented it. It's called footjoke. It's called footjokes. Okay, cool. Foot jokes. So they're like footnotes. So I said one, after you said,

Shady Cops. And if you look at the one down, okay, I get it. It says, it looked, you look down. It says, shady cops, you mean cops. Yeah. It would have been an intentional misunderstanding of what you had said. And I don't want to break your flow. Yeah, yeah. Wait, if you refer. This feels like an attack on me and my whole deal. In the future, I think in the future, choose, just say one after a joke that you want to make, but you don't want to interrupt the show. And then we can come, we can come back to it later. This is that. I'm doing that now. Thank you. So you understand? I did that. I get it now. Yeah.

Okay, good. So you're into the system. And that way we don't have to interrupt each other. We just be like, one. And the listener, they don't have to. You know what I mean? Like if they don't want it, if they hear one or two or 17, however many, 14A, whatever we get to. Yeah, sure. They can just skip the foot jokes. Yeah, during some longer monologues, we may get up to 14A. Yeah, but I think it's important that we all get to do our funny jokes. Right. But this allows you do to do your important business as well. So it's a great new system I've invented. Okay.

It is available for licensing for a reasonable fee. Right. I would like an institute in a new system too called footpicks. Okay. And it's at the bottom of each episode is pictures of our feet. Yep. But shoes only. Please.

Unless you want to pay. So who wants to play Dungeons and Dragons fifth edition, the latest twisted creation from those wizards on that coast? I would say I'm familiar with the wear, at least like as a tracker hunter, maybe not socially. Do I recognize this green force field thing? Give me, I mean, so are you asking if you've seen this spell before, it would be a history check. If you are asking to sort of identify the spell based on your own arcane understandings, that would be an arcana check. Well, I'm equally okay at both of those.

So let's do history. Okay. A plus one, that's a nine. It looks familiar to some magic that you even possess. Magic, of course, kind of framed in this world as like your keen tracking tricks. Got it. and the ways in which you interface with the animals and monsters that you hunt, right? So this is a spell that seems to affect animals, but anything past that, you have a hard time.

There's something different about it that you have a hard time kind of clearly defining what it is. Got it, got it, got, got it. You all are standing, I'm assuming, outside of the perimeter of this spell. You've not just sort of stumbled right in. Brother Philo is going to So we're like we're hiding We haven't gotten in line yet, correct? Right, correct.

Then it's kind of a preparation. I'm going to have brother Philo cast To do an infusion. Okay. The infusion that Philo is going to do He's anticipating some trouble in this place. So I believe he's going to do the infusion of repeating shot on Muts's crossbow.

Oh, cool. Okay. So basically he turns the crossbow into a magic weapon, and it grants plus one bonus to attack and damage rolls made with it when it's used to make a range of attack. and it ignores the loading property if it has it. So if the weapon lacks ammunition, it produces its own, automatically creating one piece of magic ammunition when the wielder makes a ranged attack with it. So, okay, just to set the scene here, what's happened is we're outside of a nightclub

and we're looking into the nightclub. We're like, huh, this is interesting. Look, and then Philo just starts loading bolts into buckets. Like, here, you're going to need these. Do you want a silencer? I'll give him what he need. We're just looking at the place and he's like, there's a lot of bolts.

No, no, no, no. Fylo is extremely familiar with the crummy disposition of people in general. He's seen all the bad stuff and he's anticipating the worst. So, okay. I'm not going to rush it before you all are ready, but could I talk to this, like, how far is it from us to the, like, the bouncer? I mean, like, this is a pretty big clearing that you are well on the outside of. So it's like, I mean, you are maybe 50 feet away.

Okay. This clearing goes all the way around the building. And as far as you can tell, all these people are congregated sort of around the front door. We haven't done like a, you know, proper, you know, maybe not stealth. That may not be the direction that you guys go in this. But I would thoroughly encourage you to gather information before you charge headlong into the melee. Well, here's, I'd like to suggest, if I may, um, I believe I could walk to the door unmolested. I, with my, um, where nature, as it is, um, perhaps this spell would not affect me.

I'm, I'm thinking, just my guess, that whatever this ring is might be something that allows them all to talk to each other, since they'd all be of different like animal types and everything so this allows one kind of animal to talk to another kind of animal and all that stuff that's my bet so I'm not super worried about what the spell does so much as I'm worried

about I walk up and I'm like hey I'm a human and they're like cool no no no bite bite bite choo choo choo yeah this is why I'd like to suggest me going in first it's just to make an introduction perhaps you three could try one of your

an assault from the rear, as it were. Like sneak in? Okay. Will you take the wooden boy with you? Well, I believe I could, couldn't I? And I all... Thank you. I'm a note.

Yes. Can you... I am not as I seem, so I believe that fits, you know, in the legalese of where being. Um, Fylo, do you wish to stay with Mata? Would you like to try to come with me? I don't know if the spell will affect you, though. Well, let's see. If I go and the spell does, and I do not...

Maybe touch it. Maybe touch it. Should you maybe touch the spell? Oh, yes. I feel like if you touch. Oh, yes, yes. I will do that. Just touch it.

Lady Gobind takes like three steps back. Okay, yeah, the ring of this spell comes close enough to the clearing that you could... You would need to make a stealth check, but it would be a fairly low one to get close enough. to like touch the spell without fully revealing yourself to everybody who's outside of this bar. Okay, I'll try it. Give me a stealth roll. We'll say you need to get a, well,

okay, you already did it. Oh, no, well, that's clearly not. Okay. Good gracious. Sorry. You step on the driest, thickest branch that has ever sat on a forest floor. It shatters and sends a,

flock of birds flying. There are actually some birds that were in line to go into the bar, and they immediately like freaked out and flew off. And the people standing behind them in line are like, oh, sweet, okay. And they walk forward. The gorilla looks over towards you and says,

Who are you? I'm just a little wooden boy. Cool, man. You gotta get in line like everyone else. Right, right, sure. Okay, yes. Of course. Thank you so much. You're doing a wonderful job. Where is he vis-to-be-the-barrier? Did he make it to the barrier before he was discovered?

You made it through the barrier, yeah. If you want to make an Arcana check as you enter the barrier, I'll give you advantage because you are now subject to the whims of this spell. Okay. Uh, seven plus five. That's 12. 12. Oh, you gave me advantage. Yes.

14. Okay. Yeah, with a 14, you just talked to a gorilla. So that's something. that's something that this spell clearly is done for you. I would say there is another sort of feature of this incantation that is maybe a little bit more abstract and not quite as obvious. You feel very chill towards these animals specifically

as you enter into this ring. You get the impression just looking at the makeup of the crowd waiting to go in. This spell is maybe what is keeping, say, for example, the chickens and the foxes from, doing this stuff they usually do vis-a-vis one devouring the other. This is a communication spell, but it is also a sort of like peacekeeping spell. And you also feel yourself under the effects of it.

You don't, any idea you could have about harming one of these animals is like hard for your brain to sort of formulate. Oh, man. It's, oh, it's a do little spell. Oh, oh, I love it. Oh, hey, how you doing? Oh, guys, come on in This is

Oh, this is awesome Oh, he's motioning to us Come on in. From our cover. Come on. Oh, my God. No, you're gonna love it. It's like a, it's like a hot tub.

You just feel like you don't want to hurt anybody. It kind of sounded like coded drugs to me, but... It's not coded drugs. It's just vibes. It's just vibes. It's just vibes. Come on, man. Um, uh, okay. Yeah, I stand up.

Hello, sorry, I didn't know the etiquette. Our wooden friend here wants to get to the lay of the land. Apologies. Um, my name is Lady Galdwin. Uh, uh, what a pleasure it is to be here at this place of yours, the warehouse. Charming. It's not my place. I'm just a bouncer.

Um, but yeah, you all do have to wait in line. I understand. I sense. You take a great sense. of ownership in it, though. I mean, I've worked here for a while, and I think I'm quite close with the wolf man. It's your place, as much as it is. I would like to think so.

Right. That's beautiful. How is the crowd this evening? A little thin, a little thin. But, you know, it usually picks up a little bit closer to the full moon. We're in a waning cycle now, but, you know, we can still get pretty wild. Okay. I do have to...

Is it? Sorry? Is there a certain time? No, hold on. Oh. No, sorry? Yes, okay. Sorry, go ahead.

I had to say something into my cool microphone. Oh, that is so... Who are you talking to? I can't say, but he's a real party animal. It's the wolf man. I've got to figure, is there a certain moment where things will sort of start to get a little more lively? So as I plan... I'd like to plan my beverage consumption accordingly.

that's sorry, that's wild what you just asked me because this is a nightclub and when you come inside it gets, the wildness happens inside and so you're trying to figure out what drinks and when you're going to have them before you've even entered the place.

That is some next level party maneuvering. Well, you don't live as long as I have without learning how to safely, inefficiently, get out. You know what? You fascinate me. You go ahead on in. We are, we are. all here for, we are, I'm just guessing

horse, right? I detect. Good eye or nose? Is it a nose? It's an equine, yes, it's a, yes. A lot of people think guerrillas, not a sharp nose, edible, but I'll have you know, I can smell a horse person from a mile away. I would like to bring my puppet in. Sorry? Sorry, you're, sorry? So this? I, it is a late in life

harbor, yes, of intriloquism. I've been, I made the puppet boy speak with you and I would love to entertain some of the guests as well. It's sort of an icebreaker for me. I get a lot of beautiful. Yeah. So again, I'm just guessing because you seem like a pretty old lady. Have you been to like a bar

or a nightclub before? Because most of the time you don't calm to... You can see my beautiful party. Does that seem like an old lady's... Look at these. No. You could go in. The puppet... Puppet... Look at them. Are the...

Puppet... Look at them. Is the... May I bring the puppet or no? Please, Let's me come in So you're doing that? You're doing the voice? Yes, I know.

You drinks the water. I'll drink for my candy. It's me, the God, Wait, you were both, hold up. You were both talking at the same time just now. So that's like, I don't even know how you do that. Amazing, isn't it? Make a performance check, both of you.

Should have seen that one coming, I guess. Yeah. Right along. A lot of checkers over here, not my strong suit. Yeah, it's a 19, though, on this one. That's pretty good. All right, that makes up for Puppet Filos 9. I would say I'll split the difference.

Let's say that would succeed. Yeah, okay. You all can come ahead in. Puppet, best behavior, okay? Oh, he will. He will. What am I even doing? Why am I saying best behavior to a puppet?

It's a fucking puppet, bro. It's hilarious, right? Anyway, my name's King Kong. Get in there, baby. Hell yes. Excellent. Would you say that that was all pretty distracting, Griffin? Yeah, I would say that was all pretty distracting.

Okay, I'm sneaking around the back while that's going on. Okay. Give me a stealth role. I will give you advantage because you had a decent distraction. Wow. That's a 23 on the first one and a 9 on the second. So I'm going to go to 23. We'll take the 23.

You are able to, while this conversation is happening, just do a lap. you're able to prowl around the backside of the building. When you get back there, there's like a loading dock with a big heavy shuttered door over it. There is a set of short stairs heading up to a landing with another sort of exit. It looks like a fire exit. In fact, it is alarmed. You can tell just from a distance. Give me a perception check.

You are not spotted by anyone. There doesn't appear to be any security. back on this side. Oh, an eight. An eight. Okay, yeah, that is what you see. There seem to be two more entrances into this building. What do you do?

Um, oh, wait, we're in the woods, right? Yeah, sure. Up a bit here. Oh, you get an advantage on your perception. Yes, correct. Yeah, okay. Oh, no, I double my proficiency bonus. Oh, okay, so that's a 10.

Yeah. Okay, on a 10, I would say there's a cat door in the back door that you notice sort of installed in it. I'm going to go in that cat door. Oh boy, okay. I'm going to wiggle in that cat door. No, wait, what if I send Lady Aggie in to open the door from me from the other side? Just Aggie. Sorry, again.

Just Aggie. Send Aggie in to open the door from the other side. Okay. Handling? Yeah. Are you just sending her in? Are you hiding in the woods? That's a critical fail. So whatever I'm doing doesn't matter, Griffin.

Yeah, Lady Aggie, or regular old Aggie, runs, not runs, sort of slowly trots forwards reluctantly. As soon as she clears the green barrier into the spell, she just turns around and says, I don't want to do this. Aggie? I don't want to do this. Aggie, girl, you go over there. It's loud in there, and there could be, there could be. Bears? There could be coyotes. I'm not going to do this,

Crawford. Aggie? We talked about this before. You're going to be fine. Okay, come on back. Come on back. All right. She trots on back. And just sort of nestles down in the woods, looks up at you sort of resentfully. I give her a treat anyway. She's a good girl. Yeah, she'll eat that.

Okay. Is there any like second story stuff? if you say like there's a short staircase leading up anything I could climb to? No, it's not a, it's not a like full one story. It's just like a sort of landing just a few feet off the ground. Okay. Is the, I'm going to go up and try like the shuttered door and see, make sure it's like locked and stuff. Yeah, super locked. Okay. I'm going to try to shimmy in the cat door. Okay. This is going to be, I think, an acrobatics check. I think is the best sort of definition I can think of here, a good wriggle. That is an 18 total.

Okay. Describe what this looks like. You are able to reach this door easily. There's no alarm, no security to spot you here. You make it to the back door and begin to try to get through this hole. Well, first I'm going to peek through. Okay. Because I'm not just going to stick my armor head through before I see what's going on.

make sure it's clear on the other side. On the other side, you see a round table. You can kind of only see it from below with some chairs circling around it. There appears to be... This room that you were entering into appears to be a very sort of long, almost like, hallway, like a back room in this establishment. There appear to be some animals sitting at this round table, but you can't quite make out.

about what they are, who they are, anything like that. Then you know what? Rather than wriggle through, I'm going to listen. Okay. You hear, um, meow, I've meow, meow, fold. Meow, I raise ten goatfish. Uh, you get the sense that there are some kitty cats playing a game back here. Okay.

Um, okay. Well, I'm gonna... Okay, come back to me. Okay. Okay. You all arrive. You make your way into the warehouse.

The music is just wildly loud. As you enter, you can kind of get a glimpse of the bar through the back of the sort of bottle racks holding things up. There's a sort of entrance way as you make your way in with security stations, flanking on the left and right. As you make your way into the bar, you see a number of things. You see a dance floor in the very center of the bar that is just filled with animals. It's like if a zoo got turned into a nightclub in the evenings and all the animals were just weirdly chill with each other. You see like, you see pigs like hoof and paw,

side by side with coyotes. There is, the bar has this like stairstep-like surface in front of it, accommodating sort of creatures of all sizes from a wear giraffe down to a wear rabbit, all drinking at the same bar. The dance floor appears to be made of glass, thick glass, and standing over a pool of shimmering water. There also is an orangutan on stage. stage and he's fiddling with a complex looking rack of electronics wearing a shirt that says DJ Thumbs on it.

As you guys make your way into the bar, the wolf man appears and he takes the stage in front of the dance form. He points to DJ Thumbs who cuts the music and he picks up the microphone, takes a deep breath and says, What's happening, potty animals? It's your boy, the wolf man. Few quick announcements, before we return you to your freaky stuff, it's fish sticks birthday today. So buy him a drink if you see him around. Second, the owner of a silver Hyundai Allantra, you are double-parked.

I gotta go. So move it, Buster. Third, and I can't believe I have to say this again. No more slam dancing out there, okay? Floors made a glass, use your heads. Finally, a warning to the humans in our midst. I smelled you the moment you walked in. I will find you, and I will devour you.

All right, party on, dudes. and the music starts playing as the wolfman retreats back and behind the stage. I shouldn't have come. I should have, I think I should have stayed in aluminum. We will move back to Lady Godwin and Philo. I have an idea. Hey. Okay, can you describe the bartender?

We're at the bar, right? You're at the backside of the bar. You have to sort of walk into the entranceway here. So you guys can just plop yourself, you know, sort of wherever you want. Okay. But that, that, we're not, okay. So is there a bartender on the other side of the bar from us? Is that what this?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Um, okay. I, uh, I think that, uh, we're not talking to anybody, right? Nope. You've both just walked into the bar and seemed to have split, split, uh, the party a little bit. Okay. um

my lady I have a suggestion why don't you find some spot to deposit your puppet to which no one will pay any attention to

and then you've got potential backup if the need arises because as we've already established I'm very suspicious of this crowd and it might be nice to have someone who can come in and help should there be any kind of problem. Yes, well, perhaps we shall.

Sit me in a little chair. I think that would be adorable. Barkeep? The barkeep looks up at you. He is also a werewolf, but a very small one. And he says, yeah, what can I do you for? First off, a favor, if I may. Yep.

I have been contracted to do a little show. the guards at the outside will fill you in but I was wondering if you might store my puppet behind the bar just for a few moments it's rather crowded Have you been to a bar before? Because that's not really a... Often I've performed at many bars

Many, if I might say, a trifle more upscale than this And at all of them I have been accommodated With puppet storage behind the bar So if I may If you wouldn't mind storing my companion, I'd like to order some drinks. Make a deception check for me

because you just told me a lie, Justin. And I'm going to help. I'm going to help. By remaining... By saying... You can trust her. I am indeed a puppet. See?

That's my favorite thing that Jeff Dunham does where he has a puppet. but it sounds exactly like him. He's got a Jeff Dunham puppet. I roll the actual 20. Holy shit. They give you the keys to the nightclub. It's all yours.

Oh. Oh. Yeah, the puppet. The puppet act. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Of course. Here, take your puppet.

I'll put him behind the bar and tell you what. It's laughing and you're not even touching it. How is this? This is incredible. He reaches back and, opens a door behind the bar and he plops you down inside of a small back room. There's like a small sort of sink. You get the idea that this is kind of a kind of a prep room for the bar. There's some bottles and storage that you see. He shuts the door. You are now in there alone. He comes back

and says, oh, okay, I'm so sorry, ma'am. drinks on the house. What do you have in? I'll have a round of Nehe groanies. And I'd like them with some, I need some persimmin slices and sugar. Please, I'd like to take them the proper way. Yeah, of course. I don't know what a Pissimine is, but we have... Look over there. I believe I spy them next to the lemons. Yep.

There they are. What was I thinking? He hooks you up and gets you a good drink on. I'm going to look around for the warehorses. Yeah. Give me a perception check. I mean, it is a one, but like... That's such a silly.

I could see him on the map. Like, yeah, um, you step forward to try to, uh, catch a glimpse. Oh,

one more thing, Barkeep. Before I go. Yeah. Could you point me in the direction of some fellow were horses? Uh, yeah, sure.

Uh, well, watch out for that ceiling tile. Sealing tile falls on your head and you take one point of bludgeoning damage. Uh, he says, wow, you got to keep your head on a swivel for these ceiling tiles.

I tell you, if you don't look out close enough, sometimes a ceiling tile will just fall right down right on you. It's all the lambs dancing. Horses are right over there over in the, over. Taking one point of what? Yeah, the horses, yeah, the horses, all of our cloven-hooved friends like to hang out over in the Ungalo. So the Ungalo is that small VIP section up there.

It is invite only. I think I'll be welcome with these. And these. Max Fund Drive 2024. Max Fun Drive? What about it? It'll be the best time for someone to support the podcasts they love. Oh, yeah. Drive exclusive gifts, special events, and of course all the amazing bonus content. Yeah.

So, what's on your mind? Check. It starts March 18th, and it's only two weeks long. And check. Well, what if they miss it? Well, they should follow Max Fun on social media Or sign up for the newsletter at maximum fun.org slash newsletter So they don't miss it. Otherwise, checkmate.

Who guests on Jordan Jesse Go? I mean, we could just list Pat and Oswald, Kumail Najani, Maria Bamford, whatever. We couldn't remember all of them. So we asked my kids. Uh, famous people? How famous? I don't know, pretty famous. Duh.

Really tiny celebrities who would go on this train wreck instead of a big talk show. There's just a bunch of people on your show. Jordan Jesse Goh, a comedy show for grownups. We're going to go back to Crawford Muttner for a moment. Crawford. I'm going to crawl through the cat door now. Yeah, good. So I do that.

I'm in there. Okay. Are you trying to do? it quietly. I like the idea of a big band trying to stealthfully fit through a small. No, I'm confidently doing it. Okay, cool. Give me an acrobatics check. Oh, you already did that, didn't you? I was just listening first. We'll take the earlier acrobatics check with an 18. You are able to fit through the cat door. It takes some doing. By the time you get through, you see a table with five cats sitting around it. They are all playing.

poker. One of them has their leg over their head, cleaning their butt with it. And then that cat looks up and it's Mr. Mistophilies. And he's like, you can't be in here. What are you doing? Oh, sorry, I came to play. He puts his leg down, embarrassed, and says, uh, pardon me, folks. Let me talk to my friend here. He comes over. He says, I don't, you're not aware person, are you? Well, I mean, I'm a potential wear person when you think about it. I'm a, you know, I could be a kinetic wearperson right now. I'm stored wearperson energy. They are going to kill you if they find out that you're just a regular old human.

The circle of protection here doesn't extend to humans. So. Then you're going to have to do your best, I guess, to help me stay safe or else. How do they think I found the place? Sorry, and once again, you seem to have overestimated the strength of our bond a little bit. I am a businessman and you have bought products from me. This is my bad. I thought you were threatening me.

No, no, no, no, no. Oh, I'm so sorry. We are chilled. Do you want me to bite you and turn you into a wear cat and then you can bite me right back when we're done? No, no. Man. Okay. Well, you know what?

Actually, give me a second thing about it. Because, I mean, I turn that down real quick. You let me bite you back? Yeah. You promise? No problem. Okay, yeah, man. Go for it. All right. It's the only thing that makes sense. It's the only thing that makes sense. It's the only thing that makes sense. Why wouldn't I do that?

Where do you want it, Ombra? Just get me on like the upper arm. Sure thing. Roll them up. Okay. Okay. Mr. McSophilies. Now watch the tattoo, and I'm on the tattoo. Mr. Mistopheles from cats gingerly bites your upper arm around the tattoo. Give me a, give me a constitution saving throw. Constitution Saving throw

It's a dirty 20 Okay, yeah With a dirty 20 Just some little whiskers pop out Of your face Hell yeah man And that is the extent Of your transformation

He says that's cute That is working for you bud Thank you And I will say I already have the mustache That I do have now So it just got bushyer Right

Just kind of the extended The horseshoe here It just got a little bit bigger All right So we play in or what? One of the cat's a big old cat, wearing a bowtie. Sick.

And smoking a big cigar. It says, did you just turn that guy into a wear cat so that he wouldn't be discovered and killed here in the warehouse? Oh, sorry, are we here to talk about what just happened or are we here to play? No, I'm celebrating you, brother, because it's like, now you're one of us. Yeah, no, I'm one of you now. And I love poker. All right. Let's shuffle up and deal.

Shuffle up and deal. Okay. You are now just playing poker with some kitty cats. You don't have any money, do you? I have stuff. I got jerky and... We play with... They were playing for goldfish a second ago, Griffin?

Do you got goldfish? I know where to get them. You thought maybe there was a chance they were talking about the cheese crackers? No, there is just like they each have a little... fish tank with different numbers of goldfish floating around inside them. And horrifyingly, from each bowl, you hear like, we can't eat them here. But we take the goldfish home and we eat them there.

Well, that's more imbitist. I'm going to win all these goldfish and set them free somewhere. Okay. We will bounce back. Let's go to Philo. Philo, you are socked away inside of this storage room here. You are You appear to be alone in here

What are you doing? I'm going to do an investigation check Check out the room Okay, give me an investigation How about a Dirty 20? I hate when we say dirty 20 I know it is standard

It goes, I do it too sometimes A nasty 20 I think it's so gross It's so gross I got a gross 20 Oh A natural 20 No

Artificial 20. A foe 20. With a 20. Foe 20? There, nothing? No. Travis, nothing rhymes with 20.

We've established this. But it's a foe. F-O-20. Foe 20. Right. It's both a double entendre and also not an entendre. A non-tondra. A non-tondra, yes.

You walk into this room and, or rather, you are a place in this room. You stand up and turn around. and try to get your bearings. There are some bottles in here. There is, there are a lot of things that you would expect at a bar, some cocktail swords back here, plastic, some umbrellas, there is some glassware. And as you continue to kind of like turn around,

you also notice the sort of harrowed-looking old. gentleman that is sitting at the table that you just walked by. He looks up at you and he says, you have some blood on your shoulder. Right there. Oh, I'm having a little, my neck is a little stiff. Can you point it out to me? He points at it.

There's just some leftovers from your. encounter with with Hyde. Sure, sure enough, he says, a vampire slayer, I see. Oh, well, yes, actually, I have a bit of a reputation as doing that. My name is Philo. And you are? He smiles and stands up. As he does, give me a...

Give me a perception check, please. That is a 10. This dude is strapped. This dude is equipped with a fair number of weapons of the vampire hunting variety. He says, I regret to inform you that you and your friends are in a great deal of danger. Oh, a day. From whom?

Take your pick, my friend. I did not know whether or not I could trust you when we first met. But after seeing how handily you destroyed that vampire, I am willing to put an uncharacteristic amount of trust into you, Philo. I can help you, but I will need something from you in order to do so. One moment, you said your name was Abraham? Yes. You, no, you're not Abraham Van Helsing, are you?

He smiles widely and says, Ah, I see my reputation precedes me. I am a huge fan. Oh, I am gushing. I am absolutely gushing here. Oh, oh, my heavens. I've read all of your exploits. I, I, I want, okay.

Calm down, Philo. Keep breath, Philo. It is an honor, Mr. Van Helsing. I am truly honored to you. Doctor. Doctor. Oh, God, stupid, stupid, stupid. No, please.

It is okay. It's, uh... What, what can I... You said I needed to do something for you. Anything. Name it. I will absolutely do it. I need you to return to me the thing that you have taken from me.

Um, you rescued me and so I, uh, am in your debt to a certain degree. But I will need control of... puppet again. Excuse me. I need to give you... This is your puppet? I was here first, yes. Oh.

Yikes. Ordinarily, I would be glad to, but that would be me basically giving myself to you. I'm a bit at short shrift of other forms.

Why? Why do you need this puppet? Well, I do need a corporeal form of some sort to hunt and kill Dracula.

And so you are sort of the only thing in my way of doing that right now, because he is, if you cannot tell, alarmingly close. If you can't tell that, maybe it's best you leave the vampire hunting to the professionals. Well, I'm sure you didn't mean an insult. Or maybe you did. I don't understand this form before me. Is this not a corporeal form? This form you are currently in of this somewhat disheveled older gentleman?

Is that not a corporeal form? As you say that, the door back to the bar opens, and the little werewolf walks in and walks right through Van Helsing. And he looks at you standing up, and he's like, God damn She's so good And he turns and walks back Back out

Van Helsing gestures Says Does that answer your question Yes It does So let me just ask you this If I give you back this form What happens to my

Spirit Soul life essence where does it go? There is a dark place that you will retreat to and perhaps fight your way back. I had to sort of wrestle for every moment

of my continued existence in that place and it was a nightmare. It is not pleasant. But I am unfortunately, I must insist you return to me the puppet body. Perhaps could I perhaps offer up an alternative to that?

I am listening. And Fylo reaches into his vial of, on his belt, his vial belt, concoctions and potions and everything else, and holds up the bottle that has the shrunken form of brother Fylo. I don't want that. That's weird. That's so small and dead. Wait, wait, wait, what, I can, let me explain.

I would, if I give up this corporeal form, this wooden puppet, I will have no way to continue my mission with my associates. And while I am a big fan of yours, I don't know if I am currently disposed to letting down my fellow cohorts. So I'm offering you this, this adorable little fellow to inhabit, if you would so like. That is a little shrunken dead body. I don't want that. I don't think I can reside in that. And now I...

This is hasty and I hate to disrespect a fan of my work. But I am, I am no longer asking. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw, Philo. Maybe there's something else that I get. Okay. Wisdom, not a strong, all right. Yeah. Wisdom saving throw.

And we begin. Ooh, 18. Okay. 19 minus 1. Here's what I will say. Lady Godwin. from outside, you get your drink and your sugar and your snacks. You hear a sound of wrestling coming from that storage room and you hear it for a short moment and then it stops. Inside the room,

you see Abraham Van Helsing stand up. He reaches down to try and grab you, but something seems to pull him away at the last second, and he swirls up and vanishes in the blink of an eye, and you are still in control of your faculties. Lady Godwin. Yeah. What do you do? I saw that? No.

Did I see that? You heard that. You didn't see him. I heard it. Yeah, I'm going to head over to the horses. Great. The warehorses. Hello.

Who's ready to party? As you approach the Ungalo, the two bodyguard horses, big, powerful, beautiful Clydesdales. Hold up, hoves, tortunes. Hey, hey, hey, hey, slow down. This is VIP area only. You obviously, you got some horse stuff going on, not presently in terms of the transformation, but we respect you as an honored sister. of the hoof and the hay. But no entrance into the unglo without invitation only.

Can I see into the unglo? Yes, it's small. It's very small. It's so small. It is a, I mean, you see a booth with basically two tables in there. And sitting in the booth is a very bored-looking goat. and the familiar face of the massive stallion who you received this curse from in the first place.

His leg is bandaged around where you got it with the axe so long ago, and he doesn't seem to be paying any mind to you as he chats up this goat. Okay. Listen, I'm new to the scene of being a horse so I'm trying to make some friends

make some connections build my societal profile a bit if you will I hear you I am I'm mainly wanting to meet new horses you two would be just as lovely

I would love to make your acquaintance I have these drinks could I offer you one there's two of us there's offer one for each yes of course I brought enough for everybody in the Uniclo. Four. Specifically four.

It's what I ordered. And there are two people in there and two out here. I have exactly enough drinks. I had everyone in mind. I had the exact number of drinks I needed. Okay. He says, I am pretty parched. Give me a persuasion check.

By the way, it's the uncle low. You can bring a horse to liquid. You can bring a drink to a horse. You can bring a tray to horses. 15th. With a 15, the two horse bodyguards take their drinks,

knock them back real fast because they're horses. And the one on the left says, man, that was really good. And the one of the right says, yeah, it sure was. We do not want to lose our jobs, though. And if we let you interrupt Fish Dick when he's trying to you know

swoop some tail then I you know we're gonna be in we're gonna be in shit city I think

perhaps and I don't want to be too for it but I might have some Primo say it I'm saying I'm saying

I'm saying I've got some main and tail he might to be interested in oh God Primo grade A listen

Now look at these. I'm done with this whole line of, of, uh, May I? Then may I? Uh, they gesture back to fish stick. Fish stick, uh, looks at you. I'm gonna make a luck check here to see a fish chick recognizes you. Uh, uh, uh, uh, ooh, okay.

Uh, no, fish chick doesn't recognize you. He looks at you and said, nay. He looks at you and he looks curious. You can tell that goat that he is talking to is sort of annoyed. And she is going to get up and trot off to the dance floor. And the two bodyguards nod each other and they let you step forward. You still have two tables between you and Fish Chick. He's sort of sitting at the back of this booth and he says,

what can I do you for? Well, my name is Lady Coltwin. I'm a new warehouse, looking to meet fellow warehorses, and I hope it's not too forward. I brought a couple of negronies over for us. Ah. My favorite. All my favorite drinks have puns in them.

Gr. Excellent. Um, I would love to try mine first. and then you? Should we do it in order? I don't know if there's a custom here normally. Have you been to a nightclub or bar before?

As I've made clear, I'm new in town. I wish you wouldn't treat a newcomer so rudely. I am doing my best. All righty then. I guess I can't stop you from drinking one of the two drinks you brought up here. Okay, I take out the, uh... Excuse you one second. Slice off a bit of persimmon.

and I get the sugar and I'm like, do you I reach towards, do you mind? I don't know what you're doing. This is how we've always I squeeze a little persimmon on his shoulder. Okay, hold the phone here.

Now, come on cute stuff. I've always done it. You just got fruit juice on me. Yes, now watch this. Now I sprinkle some sugar. on him. Okay. Now this is the best part here. Okay. I take a bite of the persimmon and I shoot my nagroney and then I go to lick the sugar off of him. All right. I'm going to need a check here

from you. Because he is not going to just, this is a wild thing to do to a person you've exchanged 20 words with. We're partying. You are partying. I will grant you that. I'm going to need, God, man, it's got to be a charisma check of some sort for you to pretend like this is how we do it. And I think it's got to be a persuasion check. I'm going to give you your target here. I'm, if this is going to need to be a, okay. That is, that is, I think, insufficient. A 14 is insufficient.

A 14 is insufficient to bite someone's shoulder. I didn't say, but, Griffin? Oh, are you not? My apologies. I said lick. Okay. If that's what you're doing. That's all I'm doing.

I'm going in for a lick. You promise? Promise, Griffin. I'm going to go to my face. I said lick. Okay. I'm a sexy lady horse. Okay, cool.

Yeah, sure. Advantage on that. Okay, now wait. Now, hold on. Now wait. Okay. We know that this guy was trying to swoop. Yeah.

Not three seconds ago. Right. And I fucked up his vibe. Yeah. And I come over here looking like me. Yeah. And I'm not, and I don't get advantage on trying to get him to do a body shot with me. Please.

Come on. Please. Come on, Griffin. You're embarrassing yourself. Okay. Advantage on this roll. We're all beautiful people here. We know it's real.

With a 14 before I set the target. I'll say advantage, fine. You get to roll again. It's got to be a 15 or higher if you want this. Well, I didn't know I was shooting for a 15 before. So I will do two. rolls with advantage, one's advantage. I didn't know I needed a 15, because I would have a roll higher.

Let's just see how this first roll goes. Okay, so that's of six. Yeah. Now here comes the second one. No, that is lower. Now here comes the one that really matters. That's a three. What I picture, by the way, is three different attempts of Lady Godwin trying to lick this four.

So that is la-la-la-l-oh-l. The first one, fish stick goes... You got away from me. That's going... No, no, no, not quite. At this point, the bodyguard... Fish stick's like, no thanks.

And the bodyguards are going to move to try and grab you. We'll hop back to Crawford Muttner. How many fish have I won? Well, you tell me, partner. Have you played poker before? Yeah, man.

Okay. I grew up in a large family of like Appalachian mountain hunters. We've played cards before. Okay. You know, then I will say this is a luck check. Now, poker is not entirely a luck-based game, so you do have some history with it. I want you to roll a D20. I want you to get an eight or higher.

Okay. That's a 12. Yeah, all right. You're doing pretty good. You're scoring some goldfish. You've knocked a couple of the kitty cats out of the game. They're all watching you go up against Mr. Mistophiles and the Big Cat, and you've got a good game here going.

Is there some method to your madness here, or are you just trying to fit in? So I've got a size of little, like, ha, kitty of goldfish? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, sure. Okay, well, now here's what I love. Right? I will now, can we barter your mesophiles? Like, you like that, right? Yeah, of course. I got to get out of horse mode.

Yeah. I live for that shit. Oh, hell yeah, man. All right, here's what I'm thinking. How about I will trade you my goldfish for two favors? I'm listening. One, I need an introduction to like, can I see Lady Godwin? Uh, no, you're sort of in the back rooms of this bar. Uh, if you want to give me a perception check to see if you can kind of like get an idea of your place right now.

Uh, 14 plus six, an artificial 20. You are, I mean, you are in the essentially kind of employees only area you can tell that has been set aside for this feline poker game. Right. Um, there is a, uh, a long, there's a long hallway with a set of steps. and there's like a glass door at the end of that hallway through it. You can see like the bar. You can see that that will lead you right back into sort of the nightclub proper. Then there's a set of steps that go up to a closed, very sort of ornate looking wooden door with no windows or anything.

You can't quite tell what's going on. But that is the other sort of exit here. Okay, great. Yeah. So my friend, Lady Garwin, you remember her, the Frankenstein. with the old lady had in the rock and bod. Yeah. Okay.

She needs to bite the warehouse what bit her. Like soon. Like in like 20 minutes. And so that's one. Anyway, you can help with that. Two, I love an introduction to the wolfman. Give me a persuasion check. Kitty cap.

Oh, thank God. A 19 plus nothing. A 19. Okay. 19. He says, I don't know what I can do to help your friend bite someone else. If you want to meet the wolf man, you're set up fairly well to do so.

That's his office right up there. Oh, that's right there. Okay, here's one last favor, then you can have a. In case, just on the off chance, that having a walk-and-talking puppet boy and Lady Godwin, Biden, somebody and me talking to the wolfman goes bad. Anything you can do to like, I don't know, create a distraction when we leave or something, and you can have all these goldfish. I think I can manage that.

Sick, bro. He scoops the goldfish over. The big fat cat says, Hey, that's not fair. You got to win those in the game. He won them in my heart. That's not how poker works. You can't just get me.

Well, they're my fish. One of the fish pops hello. water and it's like, hey man, um, that's fucked up. Okay. It's kind of fucked up if you think about it. I'm trying not to you, man. Just because I'm smaller and I've got scales. That means that I don't matter. Well, what do you want to do? Can you help? Oh, that's interesting. Do you hear that guys? He looks out the other goldfish. They shake their heads. Okay, you can't help me, right? You didn't ask. Wait, are you wear fish or are you just fish fish? Hmm?

That's rude. How? What you just asked is rude. If we have to explain it to you, that's fucked up. Oh, man. We could totally help you out, dude. The other fish nod their heads. Yeah, for sure.

Oh, okay, cool, man. How? You describe it to me how a bullfell fish is going to help me. One of the goldfish swims up and whispers something in the old, the fish that's talking to you is here. And so it's back down. The fish is talking to you is like, we got something pretty good, man. Got something pretty good.

But you're going to have to choose whether you want to do our kick-ass fish plan or if you want to team up with with rumble tummy or whatever his fucking name is. I wish his name was rumble tummy. Can I be rumble tummy when I turn into a cat? Mr. Rastafelis says,

technically you already have a gelic cat name inside of you. It's just sort of like something that comes out. It's rumble tummy. Either that or Jobby Blobbykins. Nope, rumble tummy sounds like... Sorry, Jabbert. Jobbert Blobbykins, the third. Fish says, you're stolen, bro.

Time to make a choice. Oh, between kick-ass fish plan, I do not know. Or Mr. Mistofle's, someone who helped me and turned me into a wear cat so I didn't get at. Fish plant sounded pretty good, though. Yeah, they're pretty good. confident about the fish land. Okay, fish.

Fish? One of these puts Griffin on the spot, Tram. I think in choice. Assuming your plan is this kick-ass as you say, I'm on board. All right. Mr. Ristophiles looks disappointed. He's like, well, say lovey. And the fish is like, hell yeah, man.

You're not going to regret this. You've got to get us into a bathroom real quick. No, no, no, no. Hey, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, fish. I see how this goes. Next step is something like put you on the toilet and flush it? Is that it? Sent you back to the ocean?

If you want us to help you, bro, we can't do it inside a tank. You've got to put us in a home court advantage, which is lots of water. Do you want to help breaking this place? Do you want to help burning this place to the fucking ground or what, bud? I'm putting a lot of faith in your fishes. You will not regret it, brother. You say that? Okay.

Do you want, hey, listen. Hey, straight up. Yeah. Do you want me to bite you so you can be a wear fish? I'm already aware kitty. I don't think they stack. You could be both. What really?

You're aware catfish. You could be a catfish. Absolutely, man. No, because then I'd have to bite you back and you're so little. I'm afraid I hurt you. Yeah, that's a good point. Okay, you know what? Here's what I'm going to say.

I'm going to put you in the toilet. Okay. And I'm trusting you. But even if you don't help me, I think it's better than I help you goldfishes. Okay. There is a door to a bathroom right, right, next to where this game is taking place,

the employee bathroom. you walk in there and open up the toilet and the main fish looks up at you and is like, see you on the other side, brother? I trust you, I give him a little fish, I hold my fist down to do a little dab. Okay. Can he dab me back?

Yeah, he dabs you back. And plops down into the door. Never got your name. He smiles. And he says, I'm your fucking dad. No, I'm just kidding. What?

He goes, The arrow, the bolt in your quiver says, No, I'm his dad. He says, name's Stephen. See you around. He's saying, Stephen. And a flush. He flushes down.

Whoa. And then I weigh. Okay. Nothing's happening yet. Then we see Crawford Butt or just standing in the bathroom, looking at the toilet bowl. A minute passes. Single tier.

Two minutes pass. I'm still waiting. Maybe they're just getting ready for it. Okay. And I go knock on the Wolfman's office door. Okay. Quick, come back to me for a second. Sure, sure.

Lady Godwin, when we come back to Lady Godwin, she's on the ground in the unglo. I require rescue breathing. Please, CPO administer immediately. Please. One of the bodyguards looks alarmed and crouches down. Help you! Don't. What?

The other bodyguard comes down. Don't worry, I got you. Not you. The goat from before trots back up. Do you need CPR? I'm a registered nurse. I'm just saying, Griffin, I'm just saying, I mean, we all know the episode's over now. I'm just saying, I went through the work of going to the bar.

I did a role to get the puppet behind the bar. Yeah. I laid all this groundwork. And just because you figured out what I was doing, you made it hard. And I don't think that that's fair. Okay. Make a deception check to see if you need mouth to mouth from the big BPD horse. Make a relationship check to see if this can ever be fixed.

You and Griffin? Yes. Oh, man. This is the undoing. I went and got the drinks and I bought exactly enough. Yeah. And then Griffin wouldn't let Justin lick a horse. Maximum Fun.

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