The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Hamlet: Live in Charlotte!

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

Phileaux, Godwin, and Winnie are back to save Thrilliam Shakespere's sexy romps from becoming terrible tragedies. This time they must help an emo Prince solve the murder of his father -- only to find they're not the only intruders into the story. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark!  Additional Music in this Episode: '"Heavy Drums Bass", "Green Daze", and "Modern Rock Boy" by Jason Shaw: https://audionautix.com/.Center for Reproductive Rights: https://reproductiverights.org/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Hey, Diary, what's up? It's me Hamlet. Oh, man. Shit sucks right now, dude. Like, oh, sometimes I just wish that I could like melt. You know what I mean? It's only been two months. No, shit. Not even two months. Since my dad, the king, died, he was cool. I liked him. And then, not even a month later, My mom married my uncle. Yeah, that's right. My dad's brother. Ugh. He sucks. This all sucks. Everything sucks.

Moo. Hi, everybody. Welcome. Welcome to Taz versus Hamlet. I will be your DM tonight. Woo! Thank you. My name is Travis McRoy.

The best you've ever, ever looked, Travis McElroyd. How do you choose? This is me now. From now on. God, I hope not. Wow. It took such a long time.

It did. But it was worth it. Now, before we get started tonight, first, I wanted to make sure you guys saw the posters out in the lobby by Anna Road. Oh, they're so gorgeous. Make sure you get yours. Also, we've got some challenge coins out there with the proceeds going to Second Harvest Food Bank for the Palsabor Memorial Can Food Drive.

We'll never forget him. I love you, Paul. Wherever you are. He's right there. Wherever he is, though. Who? Remember dead Paul? You remember.

Oh, God, yes. Thrillium Shakespeare was brought back to life by Igor. And it was discovered that his plays were supposed to be fun sex rumps and not the weird comedy tragedies that they became and they've been corrupted by some kind of force. So Thrillium sent us into Romeo and Julia to make sure it ended up happy. That's all you really need to know. Wonderful. I can't keep the hat on. It is a furnace inside of me.

Okay. Then let us begin to weave. Weave, weaver. The three of you wake up outside of a beautiful castle in the middle of you are currently laying in a snowdrift. When last you remember, you had just finished in a ballroom scene in Romeo and Julia in Padua? No, that's the wrong one. Anyways, it was Romeo and Juliet. Don't worry about it.

But now you've woken up in the snow outside a castle. Currently, there are only two of you visible to each other, Lady Godwin and Philo. And Lady Godwin, you notice a note stapled to Philo's wooden chest. I was so curious, Whitehead.

I thought someone had put a kickney sign on Dad's front, which is an advanced tactic you can only play against certain individuals. Please point me to the stage. Hi, my name is Justin McElroy. Tonight I'll be playing the role of Melanifer Godwin. What? We didn't introduce ourselves. Is that an announcement of Lady Godwin's first name?

Yeah, I just came up with it backstage. It's like Millennium and Jennifer combined. Fuck yeah. Melanifer. That's amazingly powerful, John. It's a Charlotte exclusive. Okay. Justin, can you read us to the note, please? Greetings, mine, fair play, hoppers.

Excellent work on that Romeo and Julia assignment. That's stuff there at the end was wild. Anywho. Why are you in the theaterverse? Theatroverse, please. I understood it perfectly, Travis. Theatroverse. I was hoping you could take care of just a few more things for me.

The first one is kind of a biggie. how Hamlet got his groove back. It was supposed to be my sexiest and rompiest sex romp yet. A party and a prince's dad dies and he parties his way through Paris with two bombshells named Goldian Rose. And then he's all sexed out. He returns home. It becomes the partyingest king of Denmark has ever had.

But now the whole thing is just so emotional. This letter was pinned to the puppet man, brother Philo. Yeah. It's like a CVS receipt of a... Shakespeare, Griffin, I don't know if you know this, known for being a little wordy. Page two. And what's the deal with the ghost?

If I was going to put supernatural shit in, it would be like sexy vampire, a totally ripped werewolf for a dragon with a rocking dong, it says here. So like, get in there and do your thing. P.S., don't let anyone die. is a comedy. Exo, XO, XO, Gossip Girl. J.K., it's actually thrill you, Michelle, Speer, that's what it says. I didn't. P.S., Mudd had to take

care of some king shit, but he sent along a proxy. And you hear crunching up in the snow some heavier footsteps than you would have expected, and you see a bear. Hi, everybody, it's me, Griffin McElroy. If you were wondering which one of us on stage was going to be embodying a bear tonight, it's me. Or if you ask certain groups, all four of us. All four of us, if that's your interest, I feel like the guy at the end of midsummer right now and am dying on stage. Hey, one Shakespeare play at a time, pal.

And tonight I'll be playing the public domain cutie, Winnie the Pooh. And I'm Clint McElroy Thank you You know my work I will be portraying Brother Philo A God, we don't have enough time

For this whole story Oh I'm sorry Do you have a weird thing that you are On stage right now, Mac? A monk in the body of Pinocchio the puppet Yes Didn't take that long your girl

Who's also the Turbo Cardinal Oh right interim Yeah. You see your old friend who you first encountered when facing off against Robin Hood, Winnie the Pooh. Oh, it's you guys. I remember you from the other thing. I didn't recognize you without your full head on with your ears and everything. Oh, it's poo.

What's all this cold white stuff everywhere? It burns my little paws. Oh, you don't have snow in the 100-acre wood, is that so? I guess not. No, it's just one season the whole time. Wow. No, it's snow, because it's so cold. Can I eat it? Please do. I didn't like it.

Almost magically, lights swell to your left, and your attention is drawn to a graveyard, where you see a very, very emo-looking boy sitting atop a grave, holding a skull, staring at it intently. He brings it closer to himself, almost as if to kiss it. And then he sparks a lighter. Hey, do you guys ever think about death? And he steps away from you a few feet forward.

And he's talking to you. but out into the night sky. Excuse me. Because, like, death, man, it's so fucking freaky, right? Because think about, like, being alive versus, like, being dead. Because, like, you know, being dead would be kind of cool because you wouldn't have to worry about shit anymore. Which would be kind of awesome. But then when you think about death, you don't know what's going to happen when you die.

And it kind of freaks you the fuck out, you know what I mean? Oh, sorry. Hey. Sorry, man. Sorry about that. Can I roll an intimidation check against this boy that we've discovered? Yeah, it's going to be a pretty low, DC. Okay, I have rolled a 10.

Yeah, I mean, that's enough. I mean, to be scared by, I guess being scared by Winnie the Pooh requires a certain delicate. Oh, man, sorry, I just sometimes I think about death too much. For sure, I'm a creature of. of the forest I have to. Every day I confront death and cause it. It's the circle of life.

Yeah, man. You get it. Who has his eyes wide open? Yeah, man. I'm a pretty enlightened guy. Hey, pass the duchy on the left hand side. I got it, man. I call him York. I don't know why you're actually pat, okay.

Did I do that right? Well, you huffed right out of the bowl. but... It's very grainy. Yeah. It tastes terrible. My mouth burns and stinks. But in like 40 minutes, you're going to have a real good time.

Don't... Write that down, because that shit can get at the top of that. Two witty divisions loses gobb. Hey, don't Bogart that skull, man. Pass it over. I'm pretty sure I ate the contents of it pretty good. I can't wait to watch Dad pantomime smoking any sort of weed paraphernalia at all. Alas.

Nope. Hey, guys, sorry. Sorry I got so distracted there. You know, death's just been really on my mind ever since my dad, the king, died. I'm Prince Hamlet, by the way. Oh, cool. And I, like, should have been king,

but then my uncle... We heard the diary entry. He married my mom, so now he's my stepdad uncle, and she's my step-a-mom. And... Gross. Yeah, I know, man. And then this ghost showed up.

Oh, no! Yeah. And he was all like, oh, I'm your dad. Let me stop you right there. Ghosts aren't real. You must be going mad. I don't think so, man, because my buddy, Horatio, and he points over to, like, one of those big, like, slab crips.

And Horatio, like, someone was like, that's me. Oh, ghost. Yeah, he was there, too. No, he's my buddy, Eratio. He was there. Oh, shoot. And he saw it, too, man. Anyways, ghost said he was my dad, and my uncle killed him.

and so I needed to kill my uncle so can I ask a question were you terribly sad before all this happened I was pretty excited about you know being king and then I was going to go to Paris with some friends but then the ghost showed up really bummed me the fuck out man okay so if we were to theoretically

get you back on the throne you'll get you back in charge would that be well right now I'm kind of laser focused on the whole killing my uncle for killing my dad but I'm going to be honest, guys. And I know this is going to sound weird. I don't 100% know if I could trust the ghost. I'm having second thoughts now that, you know, some time has passed and I drank some coffee.

Could you guys? And listen, I know that we just met, but you're outsiders, so I feel like I can trust you because, like, outside, you know? That's always good judgment. Yeah. Can you guys find out if my uncle killed my dad so I can kill him with a clear conscience? More thing, no problem. I've done much more for much less. That was so fast.

You agreed, like so fast. That's really awesome. We also aren't supposed to let anyone die, Winnie. Hmm. Hmm, I guess we should get more of a lay of the land before I make promises like that. Yeah. I really appreciate it, guys.

Here's a list of some people who are in the castle. Unbelievable. Yeah, if anybody knows anything, they'd probably know. I'm going to go kind of sulk around and skulk around for a while old sulk and skulk. But if you guys need me, I'll be around talking to myself a lot. He can't read. Do you know how to read? Of course.

We've got to go to Kinchie, damn it. King Claudius, Queen Gertrude, Pellonius, Laertes, Ophelia, and Rosencrantz and Gildenstein. So we have to kill all these people before midnight? What? No, no, man, just like that's because if they know what happened to my dad. That's a lot of people to kill before midnight or a terrible curse. You don't have a no. Where's that death notebook when you need it?

We could just... No, don't kill him, man. Just like interview him. You get it, dude. Interview, yeah. Could we just interview the ghost? It seems like we could really cut out eight or nine middlemen here. Yeah, man, why don't you ask him?

He's not here, Dan. Hey, wait a minute. Can you summon ghosts? I believe I can. You said that. Hey, everybody. Think for a second. Do you know for sure if you could summon ghosts?

Because I know myself, Justin McGrath, know with 100% confidence that I cannot. Now, hold on. I've never tried. So I don't know. You haven't? You've never really lost, huh? I can kill a man and then bring him back to life.

That's sort of like making a ghost. That's on your character sheet? What is wrong with you? You're Winnie the Pooh. That's just cutting out the middleman. I'm technically a druid of the land, and so I can do a lot of stuff that the canonical Winnie the Pooh cannot. I'll go ahead and lay the groundwork for that right now.

I've got to be really clear. There is no canonical Winnie the Pooh, and there cannot be, or this whole exercise. That's a good point. Okay. Okay, so we'll talk to your friends on this list, and then we'll figure out if the ghost is telling the truth. And what's in it for us, young man?

I'm a prince, so I got like money and shit, man. You have honey and shit? I got some... I got some THC, honey. I don't know what that means. I can't read. It's honey he ordered from the Honey Channel. Be careful.

It's pretty cheap stuff. Wonderful. Sounds good to me. Okay. Thanks, guys. And he walks off holding his skull. Who are any of these people and what do they look like? Oh, they're all in the castle over there, man. Just head into the castle and... I would look at the pictures next to the name. Yes. How convenient. Did you say, see, when he looked...

Yes, okay, now I get it. Let's start small. All you human faces kind of do look the same. Wow. Chilling. Can we go inside now? Yeah, head on inside. It's a lot warmer. I'm going to be out here soliloquizing.

Hey, we're also supposed to help you get your groove back. Do you know what that means? I honestly, I didn't know I'd lost it, man. They ain't given me a lot to think about. To groove or not to groove, you know what I mean? That's nothing. That is the question. I think we should start with Laertes.

Because if we got to bump Laertes, who gives a shit, right? Like, if we have to kill Laertes who gives a shit, right? If we have to kill Laertes who gives a shit? Yeah. Okay. Yeah. It's like low pegs. Like I feel, I don't think we'll have to off layer t's, but I feel like we'll at least get our

sea legs underneath us. So we'll be ready for his stepdad when that encounter comes. Yeah, exactly. We'll be ready for the big show. So I love the speed at which you guys went from like direct instructions, make sure no one dies to be like, he'll be easiest to kill and not feel bad about it first. I tried to backpedal from it mid-sentence, Travis. I'm sorry that I didn't do fast.

No, if you have to kill Aertes, he is the most expendable. I don't want to kill it. You explicitly said not to. I'll try my best. All right. You make your way inside. The Grand Hall. That's the real Grand Hall.

Ain't it Grand? No, it's not. It kind of looks like a shitty church fellowship hall or something. That's his real... That's Hamlet's real house, Griffin. That's the real Hamlet House. Yeah, Cronberg Castle in Denmark. Oh, is that true?

It's what Elsinor is based on. Well, no, I feel like an asshole. Yeah, read a book. And you've spent many a happy hour in that fellowship hall making Awana racers out of blocks of wood. That's true, and pledging my life to Christ. Yeah. So do we see Laerties? Is he in that big clump of people dead of the hallway?

Yeah, do an investigation check for me. That's great because I'd love to know what they're doing down there. 10 plus nothing. No, no, no, no. It was my check. What did I find? Yeah, with a 10, you definitely clock that in this group you're able to kind of piece out like there's three younger looking gentlemen, two of them standing talking to each other, one standing talking to like the only younger woman there. The other people look like they could be Hamlet's parents' age or older.

Can we match them to the list of names that we have? Yeah, the one talking to the younger woman is Laertes talking to his sister Ophelia. Okay. Should we start? Let's start over there. Okay. Pardon me, Laitye? Uh, yes.

My name is Lady Melinafa Godwin. I know. I like it too. We're a puppet and a talking bear. Just to sort of give you a heads up. A lot of people freak out when we start doing our thing. Okay. Oh, you're part of the players.

Uh, yes. Of course. Yes. You think I dress like this all the time? I don't know. I just met you. I've met this man twice, and he's been dressed like a clown both times. Are you guys lost?

How can I help you? No, we're doing a murder mystery as part of the entertainments this evening. Okay, yeah. And we don't want to do the same old show that everybody does. want to do something that you've already seen. So we were going to ask you about any recent assassinations, you know, horrible murders that have taken place that you, you know, are familiar with lately. Make a deception check for me, Clint. Dad, if you will, not to get too formal about it. 16. Yeah. Oh, my God. It's so, can I tell you?

What a wild coincidence Our king did just die under Mysterious. No! Yeah! That's why I'm back here. I was at college, and I'm back here now. Are you investigating? No. It's just my sister was sad, and my dad, Polonius, was sad,

and I was like, oh, I need to do some laundry. So I came back. Were there any, I mean, was it an accident? Did he, like, fall down a garbage shoot or something? Oh, well, I mean, you know, it's not a ton of details. He was locked up in his rooms like he normally is. And his brother went to see him. He was in there, like, 20 minutes, and then he started calling for help.

And then, you know, the funeral, that's just what I've heard because I wasn't here, but the funeral a couple of days later was closed casaget, which was weird, because normally they'll do like a later. state kind of thing. But yeah, closed casket. He faked it. I've solved it, gang. The king

faked his own death. The casket was closed because his body was not inside it. He's ruling the kingdom. Wait, you're really spoiling the murder mystery for me. I was going to watch it later. Ad dawn. Well, we'll change it.

Yep. Can't be helped. We'll have to do the alternate ending. I am but a simple forest Bear, I forgot we were executing a ruse on you. A ruse? I want to apologize. I want to apologize

to the two of you. I'm still learning your human ways. You are a simple soul. Hey, Lietis. Have you ever thought of yourself expendable? No, but do most people? That was a line from the show. With my name in it?

Okay. You're a clever one. I look over at Ophelia and I say, do you have maybe anything to add clues wise? You look over at Ophelia, she has like a pretty large beach towel draped over her shoulder and she's tucking her hair into a swim cap. Yeah.

And she's like, listen, I've been pretty focused on getting ready for the championships. I made Allstate swim team. Okay, well, it sounds to me that the odds of you having some sort of water-based whoopsie are quite low. I mean, I would say so. amazing news okay you know

anything weird give me a persuasion check whoever wants to make up 14 plus 317 I'm a cute little bear so natural 20 natural 20 you know I will

double natural 20 he also got a 20 he rubs my tummy it's too cute I would prefer mine be the one that counts Yeah, Justin, I'm going to say their two not 20s really push your 17 over the top. You said whoever wants to can roll it, so I wanted to. I just went, tell me the clues you know to solve the murder.

And then he started rubbing my tummy while Lady Godwin just started floating. She's like, holy fuck, okay, uh. I would say like the weirdest thing. I mean, I don't even know if it's related. We got a combined total of 57. You better know a lot. She holds up the beach foul. And she's like a bunch of the towels in the castle have these like weird blue stains on them.

It's like that and clearly, let's be honest, blood stains. Um, kind of, yeah, man, he died. And yeah, a bunch of them do. So blue like kind of ink kind of thing and like blood, it's weird, man. Hmm. Brother Philo, you're good with substances. Can you detect what this blue gunk is? Well, let me investigate.

See, I'm trying to make it seamlessly work into the globe. It's like watching a movie in my mind. I take a real close look at her beach towel. And don't see much anything with a nine. Yeah, with a nine, the closer you look at her beach towel, the more weirded out she is. It says stolen from wings. So that was, yeah. Okay. Can I smell the, can I use my enhanced primal bear senses to smell the beach towel?

You sure can, but I'm going to warn you if you fail. It's going to go bad. So is this perception or investigation? I guess investigation if I'm following my nose. Here we go. That says it's a four minus one. Yep. Boo-boo. Hey, boo-boo bear. It's a four minus one, boo-boo. You lean in and take a big puff of her towel, and she immediately, Immediately spins it tight and whips you in the face,

and you're going to take three points of damage. Fair. That's totally fair. Why'd you do that? I'm just looking for clues. Well, it's kind of my normal reaction when a bear huffs my towel. I'm sorry. Huff my towel, bear.

I accidentally ate a bunch of weed leaves earlier, and I'm not myself. Oh, from Hamlet? Yeah. What's his deal? Listen, I love the guy he's like a brother to me. But, yeah, he's gotten... It's a weird reaction. Where's your dad?

My dad? Pallonius? Indeed. He's the old dude over there talking with the king and queen. So he's still alive. I don't want to talk to him. What about Rosa Kranz and Gildenstern? They're the other two young dudes over there.

You know what? Let's just go down the list and you tell us. who everyone is in this room. Okay? Done. We do that. That's done. Can we do that?

We got to Rosenzicranz. Are you guys good here? Are we good? We're good. Layaritis is like so boring. Nothing personal. You don't hear that. No, I understand.

No, I would say that about myself. Okay. Let's go to Rosengranz at Gilden's turn. I think we got everything we're going to get out of this chunk. I mean, Ophelia, for real. Be careful. Oh, I push Laer Ties over before I. Do a strength track for me?

Okay. How much? Okay. You want me show you what? No, no, no, Dad. It's good, thank you. Seven plus three, ten. He wavers a lot, but doesn't go over.

Wow. Okay. Impressed. Good. Good instincts. Ophelia, do be careful around bodies of water. I'm from the future. Huh.

And it goes about, we're supposed to make sure no one dies here today. It's sort of a quantum leap situation. Roll a persuasion check for me. Sure thing. I'm a cute little bear. and that's not, Hey, you should be careful around water. Now listen here, Bear.

I was willing to accept a talking bear, but a talking bear from the future? That's one step too far. And she whips you with the tail again for another three points of damage. You know, in the first folio, Hamlet did include a protracted scene where Witty the Pooh tried to talk Ophelia out of drowning.

So this is actually very like adhering to the text, Travis. I love the reference. And she looks at you and says, now I'm going to exit and I better not be pursued by a bear. And Ophelia leaves. We should have all that coming. You should have. Okay, I go up to Rosencrantz and I say,

Hill Gildenstern, you got a moment? It's a power play. No, I'm Rosencrantz. Oh. And he's wearing a name tag that says, Rosencrantz. Fascinating. I guess I missed it. Yes, and he's Gildenstern, and he's wearing a name tag that says Rosencrantz.

Shit! That'll happen. So who killed the king? We're in sort of a hurry. Sorry, this is lead investigator, Winnie the Pooh. I just made sergeant. Today's my last day. Well, you just made sergeant.

It's also his first day. It's my first day. No need to keep working when you solve all the crime. I think he just died. That happens to you humans so often. When a bear dies, it's usually for a pretty good reason. Name three. Eat it too much, honey.

Picked to death by crows. Carr. Those are the three honey, crows, and car. of those also happen to humans. No kidding. Yeah. I won't say with chew. Okay.

So, what exactly was the reaction, is there, is there scuttle butt about the when a king dies? Do people talk about it?

Is that what you mean? Yeah, I mean, come on. The king just, you know, just croaks like that. Yeah, maybe, there are people talking. Yeah, what are they saying?

They're saying, oh man, the king died. What a bummer. Sure, sure, sure, but there's no, like, Warren Commission investigation or anything. Oh, well, we're worried about Fortin Bra and his whole deal coming down and, like, attacking us now that the Kings had in our position's been weakened? Fortin Bra. Oh, Fortin Bra. But don't worry.

He's not on the list, so we can't possibly. He's at least one place worth a day walk away. Okay, how convenient. Yeah. I go over to Ophelia and I snatch her towel over hand, and then I come back over to pull. Polonius. Hey, what do you make of this? Wait, you're going to a different dude entirely?

No, we were talking to Polonius. You were talking to Rosicranzen and Guildenstern. Oh, that's right. Polonius is like, huh? And I'm like, never mind. I go to Rosicranza and Guildenstor. Oh, well, I can make a goose. I can make a goose.

I could make a frog. I could make a movie. No, he's having fun. I was. Okay. I would very much like to see him make a goose out of a piece of a piece of fabric. Not a swan. Do it, but a goose.

Show me a sorcerer. Show me your. He got a 12. Yeah, good fucking luck, man. It's not real, Paul. It's a game of Dyson Theater of the Mind, and he makes a 12's worth of goods. My God.

Yeah, I'm still learning, self-taught. Anyways, you were asking about, like, the Dead King? Right now we're asking about the stinky blue goo. Yeah, it looks like blue ink. Okay, thank you. All right. This guy's made of steel. What do you all have?

You're sure. Oh, is this, like, from the king? Yes. It's not of your business. I associate him more with red. What do you mean? Oh, you know, now that I think about it, it's probably because he got these new red shoes

and he wouldn't shut up about him. It was the whole thing. You remember that? Yeah, I remember that. I remember that, too. They were burgundy? Are you both? You don't even need us on this show, do you?

So, wait, he had red shoes? Oh, yeah. Is that a clue? Because it seems extraordinarily abstract. A clue to what? Is that the murder mystery that we're doing tonight? The murder mystery.

I love a murder mystery. Oh, good. Will? Do you have any writing experience? Me? Well, that's who I'm looking at. Or did you mean him? Yeah, me?

Any of you have writing experience? Yes. Okay, you don't have to brag. What about you, Rosengrantz? Yes. And you, Rosengrans? Yes. Well, then perhaps you could spin a tale in your mind where someone has murdered a king

under very mysterious circumstances involving blue ink of some kind. Ooh. Maybe the ink was poisoned. That's good. That's kind of first thought, though. Give me some time to work on that. I'm going to roll insight to see if that is truly... These guys seem like they're withholding.

Yeah, this is what I'm trying to figure out. I got a 19. Very good. Plus 322. So it does seem like they have more information about the day of. They're kind of gossips and eavesdroppers and stuff like that. So you give the impression that maybe there's stuff that they do know that maybe they're not being forthright with because they don't want to get in trouble. Okay.

Hey, stop lying or I'll devour you whole. Make an intimidation check for me With advantage because you're a bear Sure Hold on Like if a human being said to me Stop lying or I'll devour you whole I think that that might be disadvantaged

Yeah Alright here we go Intimidation With Advantage Thank goodness That is an 18 Yeah with an 18 One of them

You're not sure if it's Rosengrants or Gildenstern It doesn't matter Paces himself a little bit Gross. And the other one says, okay, listen, we were in the castle that day, and we might have been outside the king's door. Sorry, you must speak more clearly. We were outside the king's door listening, trying to figure out, you know, what was going on.

And there was a lot of, like, muttering. So first, there was a lot of, like, footsteps in the room, right? Because we were underneath there with Claudius hanging out. And there was, like, footsteps in the room above us, like, real fast. and then like a thud, and then Claudius went running upstairs. Was the thud above you, or was the thud in the king's room? The king's room was above us, so yes?

What were you doing just sort of listening in on the king's bedroom? Are you perverts? Yeah. I appreciate how forthright you were with that. Well, this is olden times, but being a pervert is still pretty okay. Okay, so continue your story. So there was a thud, Claudius went running off. he's in there for like 20 minutes

came back out with some of dirty towels and like a big bundle of like papers and stuff and then started calling for help. Okay so earlier when I was asking

if something weird had happened around the death of the king and you were like no why did you lie oh because we've actually been in trouble at Cobaltimes for eavesdropping and gossiping. I see and You know, we thought you were an arc. No, not me.

Hey, later on, Hamlet's going to give you a pretty important letter to deliver to the King of England. Oh, awesome. It's so important you deliver it. It's really, really important that King of England sees what's on that letter. Yes. Okay. Now, you may be told by the King of England staffers that he's busy with some king's shit. This is inaccurate.

It's super duper, super important that he definitely get the letter, yes? Okay, cool. And it's super duper duper-dooper important that you don't break the seal and read it ahead of time. Super duper-dooper-ooper-up. Are you guys from the future? This guy gets it. Let's go to the next person. At this point, everybody, a chime goes off, a grandfather clock goes off, and everybody's like, oh, it's time.

Don't you guys need to get ready? And they shuffle off into the mortal coil of the performance. space. And Hamlet comes over and is like, hey, guys, glad I found you. Doing a little sneaky trickery. You guys are going to love this. We're still on the murder mystery. Yeah, this is part of it. This is part of it. Oh, cool. I've arranged for the players to do a scene about brother marrying or murdering his brother and then marrying his brother's wife. One more time. Just I have all the everything clear about that. A brother murders a brother. and marries his wife, it's going to freak my uncle's shit out.

So it's like what you think happened? Note for no. So you're just doing a prank on your uncle? To what, to what end? Because if he didn't murder my dad, he'd be totally cool watching a play about a brother, murder, a brother, and marry his brother's wife. But if he's made uncomfortable by that scenario at all,

I'll know he's guilty. You know what? It's extremely specious. What if he just doesn't like it because he's like, is this what people think happen? This is so hurtful. Oh, what if he did do it and he sees the scene and he's like, nice? That's exactly how I did it. This is a pretty funny play. Yeah. I actually like this play a lot. This is the best one I've seen.

I killed my own dang brother that way. What a co-winkered ink. I'm going to sue for my life rights. They should. be stealing these beats. This plan sucks shit, Hamlet. You guys are absolutely correct. And I feel so dumb now. I know how to fix it. Come with me.

Oh, great. And he leads you, and he pushes you out through the curtain. And the Player King says, oh, good. Okay, the Understudies are here. All right, hi, everybody. I'm the Player King.

Welcome to the show. Hi, how's it going? Hey, thank you. Tonight we're going to be putting on the murder of Gonzago. You know it, right? These three are going to be playing the main parts, but before we get started,

we're going to need some suggestions from the audience. All right. What is a profession Gonzago could have? Raise your hand if you got one. What is it? Chiropractor, excellent, excellent. What is something someone could pour into someone's ear to murder them?

Molten lead. Please God say honey. Shit. And finally, what is? the name of Gonzago's wife. Let's get someone from over here. Margaret. Okay. So, you're going to be the murderer. You're going to be Gonzago. You're going to be Margaret, Gonzago's wife. Carripractor, murdering with molten lead, Margaret. And go. So, uh, did you fill out all the paperwork at the front of the office?

No. Hmm. Well, Yes, yes. Oh, good. Have you been to a chiropractor before? Yes. And what did they do to you?

Just say what a chiropractor does. What a what does? Just guess. Did they? Just guess. What the chiropractor did to me was that he tickled my tummy and fed me sweet sticky honey.

Yes, yes, we have reports of that sometimes happening. Would you say that it's mostly in your lower back or in your upper back? No, pretty much right on the tummy. So lower back front? No, no back stuff at all, just mostly tummy. How long has he been complaining about this? He never stops. Reminder, dad is the victim.

Anyway, you may be a chiroprachters, but you're also my kin. My brother? Awesome. Why does he also have to be a chiropractor? It's a scene. It's the start of a herald. I don't think I'm allowed to see you. You know, professional ethics and everything.

I can't really chiroprack you. Yes, of course. Does anyone want to make a perception check to see how this is going with Claudius so far? I don't think I need to, Travis, just kind of listening to the crowd reaction. I know it's going over gang abusters. Persuasion.

What is it? Perception. I roll a 17 plus none. 17 plus 6, 23. Wow. Okay. If Claudius is getting anything out of this, he is living a pretty strange existence.

He is, you can see a mixture of confusion with a 23 of like confusion obviously at what's going on. Right, right, right. But also like So it's a brother and a brother and the brother's wife? Okay. Huh. Really lock in on him. Hey, check out what I'm going to do to you now. Yeah, you got a lot. You got the bottle of poison, sweetie?

Actually, it's molten lead. You got the molten lead, sweetie? Yep. Poit. Oh, wait, maybe is it poison? Well, it's molten lead, honey. Okay, it's either poison of molten lead. It's a mix of both, a little cocktail. Check this out.

Nope. If you plug your... Yeah, and it seems like Gonzago is plugging his ears for those of you at home. Is that good for improv or bad? Just keep going. Keep going. Well, then I'll put it in my own ears.

Is this anything? Okay, what happens then? Owie, Zowie. It worked, darling. Here, let me use this. Oh! Ah! Okay, I pour the molten lead in the dad's

All three of you make a performance check. A 20? A not 20, Justin? A natural 20. No, wait, hold on. Yeah, it's a natural 20. Okay. I think that mine shouldn't count

because Justin got a natural 20. Because I got my second Nat 1 of the live show. All right. I'm going to... Which, hey, yeah, it feels right to me. Dad, your turn. You can't actually be dead for the rest of the show. Clinton.

That's too easy and out. Roll performance. It was sweet for about 30 seconds there. That is a 12. All right. Okay. I'm going to say, yeah.

So, with the Nat 20. Don't pretend like you just did some sort of advanced math. He did. It's more of a gut. It's an art. There's art here. It's, hey, Griffin, it was going to be a success. But now.

Oh, I punish him. I can't make it any worse than my one. With above a 10 and an ad 20, it cancels out Griven's shitty one. Yeah. Nice. And against all odds, Claudius rings through his feet in a reaction. Now, admittedly, it's not quite sure what part he is responding to,

but he has definitely seen enough. Well, hold on. Let's do it again, but we'll separate the parts out. Was it the chiropractor stuff you didn't like? No. The ear stuff? I wasn't wild about that. We got him.

Book him. It's pretty challenging material. I don't blame you. I'm going to go, and he runs away. And Hamlet's raised to his feet and goes, I got him. Yeah. Ironclad stuff. It'll totally hold up in a court of Danish law.

And he draws a dagger. What? Wait, wait, wait. And he chases. after Claudius. Oh no. No. No. No. And everybody freaks out. Everybody flees

into the different hallways and you're left alone in the performance room for just a second because then in the middle of the stage directly in front of the three of you a ghost appears. And he looks at you and at first is completely

blank faced and then his eyes flash one red one blue. He smiles. maliciously and disappears. That seems a little spooky. And that's where we're going to take our intermission day here, everybody. Don't rush.

Go get some of those posters by Anna Rhodes and have a fun intermission. Did you have a nice pee? That's gross. You shouldn't have told us that. We're cops. We're pee cops. We're pee cops.

Write down your pee experience and email it to us. Joe Rogan Show at joeorgon.com. Joe Rogan at Go Piss, girl. His stories only at Josephrogan.net. Dot go. Dot wow.

We're the world's only Joe Rogan podcast fancast. You're joining us for another hit recording. You guys like that last episode? Yeah, man, good stuff. Yeah, good stuff. I like the way he's just an ordinary guy asking questions. We don't know anything else about this man's program.

Yeah, I beg you. We could guess. Yeah, probably. Hilariously, I know more about Hamlet. When last we left off. It was like 15 minutes ago. Okay, tell me what happened. Well, the ghost turned out to be a bad ghost, not a friendly ghost,

with two different colored eyes. That was pretty spooky stuff, man. I've been back there backstage for the last 15 minutes, just having a full panic attack thinking about it. Yeah, he was really scared. I'd help him calm down. Hamlet is going to kill Claudius if we don't stop him. That's it.

Okay. I'm giving chase to Hamlet. I'm chasing Hamlet. Same. Okay. I'm trying to stop him. Give me a, whatever check you can justify to, like, track him.

Athletics? Yeah. Speed? Can I use nature? You know what? Even my plus six won't do much good when I roll a two in athletics to try to catch Hamlet

the notoriously athletic prince of Timark. I am printed on him. Can I use nature to track? Of course. Sorry, can I resolve my incredible? attempt at tracking Hamlet. You run into the doorframe. Oof! Okay. Oh, ow!

I got an 11. Fylo? Anything you want to try? I did athletics for 13. That's the best one, Klan. Dad's got a new thing where he'll roll and then decide if he's going to

tell us about or not. You've got to ask, like, it's just another filter to success. Philo takes off on his little puppet legs. Wow. After Hamlet. I don't know if you would appreciate this. Dad has bells on his shoes, which at first I was like, that's annoying.

And then I was like, that's handy. That's useful. Yeah, it's good. It's nice to know where Dad is at all times. We haven't been to this theater wandering around backstage. He could get lost. He could get lost. He could get scared of GooggaGoo ghosts.

All right. So you are able to track him to a kind of dead end hallway. with a couple of doors, but you lose track of them. There's a couple open doors. So the three of you are now in this hallway with a couple open doors, not exactly sure which one he went into. What do you want to do now?

We should definitely split up. Hmm, you think? That's always a good idea in these games. I doubt there's going to be a spike trap where people live here. Look over there. Yeah. There will be a spike trap.

Hey, Winnie. Yeah. Make a Constitution saving throw for me. That's only fair, Travis. Constitution saving throw. Here we go. Plus zero. Okay. Is the check possibly a one? Because I got a two. You better be so glad you didn't get a one, Griffin. You start to hear some really funky music playing in your brain. Colors get really vibrant. Oh, no.

You're really enjoying the feeling of things. Guys, you're not going to believe this. He went up. And I'm going to... Can I cast... Winnie, please listen to me. You're made of pure energy. Everything is good.

What's your spellcasting ability based on? What is it based on? Wisdom. Oh, no. You do have disadvantage on anything wisdom and intelligence-based. Oh, really? Yeah, because you're high as shit. I was going to use Meldon to go up through the sea.

Just no clip looking for Prince Hamlet. Yeah, okay. Do you need to roll for that? I don't think I do. Just for eight hours, I enter Stone. And then you do hear me say, I'm stuck. I've got to stop doing this. I try to pull him free.

Wait, actually, hold on. Roll a D20 for me. Okay. Just straight up. I'll use my fanciest one. Ten. Okay, with a ten. Yeah.

What you guys see is Winnie the boot jumps up, lands back down on the ground, and goes, I'm stuck. I'm stuck in the ceiling! I'm stuck in the ceiling! I'm going to die in this Scandinavian ceiling! Okay, I'm going to check my rations for honey. 14. You have honey.

A little bit. Do you want some honey? How much? A little bit. Can you be more specific? You have one smack roll to work. Thank you so. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

One smackerel, it seems. I'm still stuck in the ceiling, but it's more chill now. Thank you. Thank you, lady, God. Glad to help, I guess. Yeah, you've evened out a little bit. You're feeling a little bit more yourself. I'm going to take a back seat on making any big

decisions for a few. Everybody make a perception check for me. Two. Six. Jesus, man. No, wait, nine. Nine, okay. Not a six, a nine. No, I just, we got to start rolling

funnier numbers, gang. Papa, what did you get? Eleven. Okay. Really good. It was a ten, so you can hear a kerfuffle coming from one of the three rooms, and you know which one it is.

That way. Yeah. Once again, little puppet legs take off running, clackety, clackety, clackety, clackety, chinkle, jingle. Super quick, Travis, just because I can imagine. How tall is Winnie the Pooh? Why are you asking me? Griffin, I'm three apples high. Okay.

That can't be in? Just for, like, canonically, right? Wait, how big are the apples? Like, they're just, like, like, canonically, Lady Melinda for Godwin is this big, tall barbarian woman, and she's just got these two little These two little homunculi. I mean like these

two little insane little like a puppet and a bear. What do people make of her? Like what do they think she is? The kerfuffle is this way, mommy. I followed the bear and the puppet I guess. I mean like I do like in my brain, Griffin

depending on what action you decide to take it flips whether it's a real bear or a stuffed animal. Yeah sure. Just when you're like, cute bear rubbing it's something I'm like, stuffed animal. You're like, I'm going to eat you, and I'm like, real bad. And it just goes back and forth in my brain, depending on what thing you make. That is the druidic nature, though.

Yeah, that's my wild shape, Travis. It's real. When you enter into the doorway, what you see is Hamlet, knife drawn, eyes flashing red, Gertrude in the middle of the room panicking, putting herself between Hamlet and the window with the curtains drawn. And you can see the curtains kind of moving around very clearly someone is behind there. And Hamlet's like, I'm going to get him. I'm going to stab that guy. Hey, mom, move out of the way.

Let me kill my dad. PhiloCast's Webb. Hell yes. Wait, where does that come out of you? Well, we're going to, hold on, hold that thought for a second. Yeah, we'll get to the orifice roll in a second. What do you need to do to Cass Webb? What?

What is, what is, so mechanically, in D&D, you can't just say, I do this thing. Okay. conjure a mass of thick sticky webbing. Really thick and really sticky. Why would you do this? This is vulgar. I'm just reading the words. At the point of your choice within range, it fills a 20-foot cube from that. Wow, that's a lot.

What do these people think webs are? A cube of webs? That's not a metric of webs? I don't know. I've never seen a spider really like push himself to be like, let me see what I can do. That's what killed you. Charlotte. Okay.

I think it was old age. Wait a minute. Charlotte. Okay. Okay. All right, listen. The webs are difficult to rain. I can read it.

It's right here. They do. And lightly obscure. Their area. Dad didn't want to read it because it makes his spells sound like junk. Do I need to make a check is what I'm asking? Oh. Holy shit.

There's a novel here. If the webs aren't anchored between two saw the masses or later across the middle. So welcome, Travis. Oh, no, that's a four. Yeah, Hamlet is in that web. Oh, man. Isn't this the way it always goes? Can I say, it looks like it kind of goes with your whole aesthetic.

Thanks, bro. Now, make a wisdom saving throw with disadvantage. Okay. That's a fucking 19 and a... Okay, wait, 11 plus, 11 plus 6, 17. Oh, okay, it was a DC 15. For a second, you're panicked when these webs, what you see is like the trails come flying out of Philo.

You're like, but then you see it like out of his fingers and they're like beautiful rainbows and it's totally chilling good. And it's out of my nose, by the way. You asked what it came out of. It comes out of my nose. So that's what it really comes out of. I was setting up kind of a vision thing he was having. I know.

Are you saying Philo the puppet sneezes and Webb shootout? That's cool. Well, his nose is the whole focal point. I move the curtain aside. Careful, partner. You are about to stab the wrong cowboy. Hi, I'm Polonius. I'm an advisor around here.

I didn't think he'd actually be a cowboy. Wow. Oh, wow. That kind bud has given me the power of prognostication. Let me ask you a question, little bear man. Yes, old-timey prospector. Would you consider yourself more of a borrower or a lender? Why neither of them be?

Good answer. Thanks. That was a test. I like you. What's your name? I just saved, we saved your life like moments ago. What? Yeah, he was going to stab the dickens out of you. It's true, the bear has future sight. It's been quite perplexing.

Hamlet? The bear. No, I know. I'm addressing Hamlet. He doesn't have a name. Do you have a name, bear? It's Woody the Pooh. Fascinating.

Winnie the Pooh, he says. So is the Pooh, like your middle and last name? Thaw is my middle name. Like Smokey the Bear. Do you know Snokey the Bear? Is that racist ask? It's bearist, which is... So you're embarrassed.

We're like five. layers deep on what is essentially a non-joke to begin with. Hamlet? Yeah. Were you gonna kill me? Yeah. I didn't nose you though, man. I was just driven by like pure anger. I thought you were my stepdad.

Oh, okay. Wait, what? I punched Polenius in the stomach. You work for me now, Tud. Make an intimidation, Jay? It should be no problem. I picked the weakest one in the room and I went with it. It's a 19.

Yes, of course. Plus three, 22. Yes, of course, my lady. Call her mommy. Yes, of course, Mommy. Tell me everything you know. Tell me everything you know about the murder of the king. Which one?

Smack him in the face. Oh, yeah, sorry, Mommy. The one that got murdered. I'm actually going to need you to back pedal on the mommy stuff. But it's too deep in me now. May I be excused from the sea? You may most certainly not. Murder of the king.

Oh, you mean old Hamlet. Sure. Is that his name? That was the dad's name. Not Doug. Oh, do you want to call him by his first name? Green eggs. This room is hard to be in.

I just got an email that said no. It said, tell Travis, Wow, no, it says It's from fucking Ticketmaster, dude It's from the Bojangles Center. They said it's too close to the Bojangles Center for that.

Please stop. Listen, did Was there a murder most foul of the king by his brother? Claudius. No, I don't think so. But I mean, listen, he was very healthy.

I'm surprised if he died of natural causes. He had just taken up running. he had these new red shoes. Oh, yes, beautiful red running shoes. He loved to run, and he was very healthy. I wanted to you to know, your daughter, Ophelia, has this towel. This blue ink, do you make anything of it? Oh, you know, the king loved to draw.

Love to draw. Draw? Yes, he was quite the hour. He said jog. No, both. He ran. You can be artsy and a jock at the same time. I know.

It's a common. sentence issue we're running it to see. He liked to jog and draw. Okay. Not in the same time. I can't stress enough. Run for health and do art.

Can we go with that? Yes. Excellent. Can I try and get that? I never saw the drawings, by the way. To make it clear. Should we find the drawings? It seems like it could be a clue.

Hamlet, I'm going to need that knife. But it's my... Oh, he's all webbed up. It's my favorite knife. I'm going to take the knife. He's all webbed up. Oh, man. Let me get you down from there.

No. Nope. I think we're fine with him there, right? Yes, it's a great point. Hey, man, I don't want to kill Polonius. I like him. We can't kill anyone, or else I think we're stuck here forever, which would be your fate worse than death. Yes, the portal will close.

Okay. We met the ghost, by the way. Oh, my dad? Your dad Hamlet. Old Hamlet. Yes, Old Hamlet. Did he have crazy-looking eyes for you, too?

I don't remember that. I think I'd remember if he did. I'm going to say no. Do you mean in real life or in ghost form? In ghost form? Definitely not in real life. Maybe in ghost form. You got to throw us a bone here, dude.

Let me think. Yeah. Okay. Like Neil McDonough. Listen, it's super important. Neil McDonough is an actor. Yeah, whatever. Definitely the most relatable person with heterocrumia that you could have chosen.

He's in Paul Blar Monkhov, too. That's true, but not everyone in this here. I can't believe I have to explain this to you. He's in a Star Trek movie, too. Thanks, Dad. You stay right there. We can't have you killing anyone while we invest. But I got a piss, girl.

That's fine. Did you just say I got a piss girl? I guess I did. Everyone out of the room. We're leaving Hamlet in here. I want to talk to Gertrude. Is that possible? Yeah, I'm right here.

Wait, Gertrude is... Oh, yeah, I guess Gertrude's in this scene, too. Is Gertrude in this room with us even now? Yeah, I'm right here. You've been so quiet. Give us a sign. There's a lot going on. The little puppet man sneezed webs out and caught my son.

And the bear is sometimes real and sometimes not. Yeah, and apparently has future sight. This is fine. That's true. May I? May I make it One moment. Of course, yeah.

Listen, you're kind of on the same level with Gertjew. Why don't you, why don't you talk to her? Lady to Lady, yes. Well, I meant royalty to royalty. If you want to make it a sex thing, that's fine. No, it's... So lady does not...

Anyway, it's not a royalty, you know, it's just a... Okay, so not everyone who talks like this is a queen? No, I know, yes. Boy King, your brother-in-law. What's that like? He's a bear. puppet. What? I said, sorry, there was some cross talk. Boinking your brother-in-law, eh? What's that

like? Make an inside check. I'm pretty good at those, actually. All three of you, Kim. Okay. Insight. Ten. Another funny roll. It's a really good one. That is a 16. a 17. 16. 17 minus 116. Okay. So two out of the three of you, and I won't say which two. Clock that when you say...

And I don't know which two. Just even listening to you, I didn't roll high enough to know. She reacts in a way that makes it clear to you, like, that's not what's happening. Oh. You're not boinking your brother-in-law. What's that like?

I don't really want to talk about it in front of Hamlet. He's pretty well webbed up. We can go literally out in the hallway. Yeah, let's do that. Okay. Hamlet, you good? Yeah. You got to step out in the hallway like,

okay, here's the, okay. You seem like three trustworthy outsiders. Based on what? We're only a person if you round up. Like, there's something about the little bear, the puppet clown man and you lady with a sodon head. The Holo Queen, all the classics of the Italian Renaissance. Yeah.

It was very much a marriage of convenience in my husband, time. Which one? Sorry. Old Hamlet. Old Hamlet. Not New Hamlet. You're not married to him. Gross. Yet. You got plants?

No, I just haven't read the play that closely. Okay. And so then Hamlet would have been king? Yes. You met him, right? Hmm. So you, mm. So you married.

Your brother-in-law so that your son wouldn't become king because he sucked so bad? He's just not, he's just not ready for it. He's only 33. We have been tasked with an important mission to help him get his groove back. I didn't know he lost it. Really? Really? Now that you

mention it, there have been some makeup and wardrobe changes. Yes. So you don't know anything about the murder. Who was a murder? He died. Hmm. I think...

Did you keep your husband's shoes? Sorry? Did you keep your husband's shoes? You can't set Chekhov's shoes in the room and be like, oh, what shoes? Did you keep your husband's shoes? Did you keep your husband shoes? Did you keep your husband's shoes? I have listened to Wad and so many murder mysteries.

Yeah. And it's just rare to come across a sentence that I have no frame of breath. I've got the husband's shoes clues blues. I need all the shoes I can use for the clues. Make a persuasion check? That's a one, but I rolled a D6, so it's not really that bad. Yeah, that don't count all things considered. I can beat that with a two. I rolled a 19 plus three for 22. Oh, his new red running shoes.

Those of them, yes. Yes, I did. I did keep them. Where are they? I mean, in that I haven't gotten rid of him yet. It was only last month. Okay. Can we see them that may be either vitally important to solving the crime?

or completely not important to solving the crime. If there is a crime. Okay. Yeah, right in here, she leads you into the bedroom that's right across from her room, into the King's room. And everybody make a perception check for me? Gladly.

I'm pretty good at those. 21. 19. Wow. A hilarious 12. Okay. Everyone who's not down, when you go in, even now, it's very faint, but it's very clear.

A lot of like cleaning solution kind of smell very, and where, sorry, where are we? We're in the chambers, where the murder took place. And with a 21, even with the cleaning and stuff, with your bare senses. Oh, yeah. You can see like some, like, touches of stains unlike the rug. and the furniture and stuff of like the blood and this blue ink and it seems like it's been thoroughly cleaned and she reaches into the closet and pulls out this pair of like red sneakers white stripes on the side

white base and she's like yes he only got them quite recently but he loved them yes okay listen look at me I'm a barbarian He's a bear. You can do magic. Please. You have to rise to competence. Just for a moment. Please, look at the shoes and just do something useful.

Any magic detection, your magical skills, anything. We're both so ill-equipped for this. I beg of you. Something. You've got it. I believe in you, Pinocchio. Um... Come on.

Yes. Flaming sphere. To do it? Any magic. Yes, Mel Sass and Arrow should definitely do the trick. A clue. Just shut up and let me think.

Okay. Okay. I cast guidance. Fuck yeah. On the shoes. They're gonna start walking towards the answer. Once before the spell ends,

the target can roll a D4 and add the number roll to one ability check of its choice. So, so, so. This one ain't it. Is that okay? No, that's not it. No, no, no, no.

I think it's good. Can shoes roll? With the ones with those little wheels in the bottom of them? They're helioles. They're heliies. Weillies. I was investigating the shoes while he's... He's furiously flipping through his spillbook. That is a 17. Yes, with a 17, the shoes, what you find on the bottom

is a streak and up the side of this blue ink. Okay. And with the 17, it's very much in a pattern of, like, touching the bottom and scraping on the side. Oh, wait a minute. And then you're stuck, right? And you can't do anything. And then dad is like, I have an idea. Oh, cool.

I cast Identify on the shoes. You choose one object that you must touch throughout the casting of the spell. if it is a magic item or some other magic abuse object. It's not. It's not. You learn its properties and how to use them. Now wait. Are they magic shoes? Hey, I'm going to tell you right now. No. No, no. Now, Travis, mama said they wore my magic shoes.

So are he saying mama's lying about my magic shoes? This is bullshit. Let's let dad burn a spell slot. Yeah. For you to look at them and just go, shoes. They're shoes. They're red running shoes. But he slipped in blue stuff. Look at the last line, though, Dan. If you instead touch a creature throughout the casting,

you learn what spells, if any, are currently affecting it. Is that anything? I don't think so. Fuck. So maybe. You never know. And just then. Yes.

You hear another, believe it or not, kerfuffle. God, dang. In the room back across the way that you left. Hamlet all web. All right, I'm gonna go check on Hamlet. I should have left him a canteen or something. None of you kill each other while we're gone. When you enter the room, you find Liarities with a knife drawn on the web dot Hamlet

yelling, you try to kill my dad! Come on. He's like, yeah, man. Because I thought he was the man who did kill my dad. Hey, how did you hear about that so fast? Make a perception check, all three of you. Eleven. A very popular number tonight. Two.

Yes, I heard the two, Justin. My perception's so bad I couldn't tell if you did or not. Nat 20. Not 20. Mr. Clementeckle. Yeah, Nat 20. You see Learze's eyes flash blue, and for just a wisp of a second,

you see almost like a ghostly silhouette leaning over his shoulder, and then it's gone. I knew it. I hate this guy. I kick Learthe's as hard as I can. Sorry, you kick Leertes? As hard as I can. I'm the one who punched your dad in the stomach.

If you have issues, take them up with me, child. And Blennie says, no, please don't attack mommy. 15 plus six. An attack roll? Yeah, man. Yeah, that hits. Yeah. Okay, I kicked him in the stomach to knock him away from Hamlet.

And I take his knife to him. Too. Stupid. I push him to the ground. Yeah. Maybe does Philo kneel down behind him when you do it? Yeah, that's good. He's fully bullied now. What do you got, Dad? Bullying saves lives.

Wait, hold on. No? No. I'll wait my turn. I dust him off. I pick up Leartheis that I dust him off. I say, sorry, I got carried away. Philo?

Philo casts C. Invisibility. Come on. That's got to be something. And what does it do? It lets you see invisibility. For the duration, you see invisible creatures and objects as if they were visible.

And you can see... This reeks of competence, Dad. And you can see into the ethereal play. You still got the note on your back. You still got the note on your back. Excellent. Ethereal creatures and objects appear ghostly and translucent.

Fantastic. Zounds. And is there a check associated with it or you just do it? Just do it. Yeah, there's no check. Okay, great. Yeah, you cast this spell and you can see this ghostly form

now peaking over Learcy's shoulder and now that you can see invisibility you get a sense of it's a mixture of the blue and the red moving through. throughout, almost like when you have, like, you know, oil and water and one of those, like, tubes that, like, science teachers use to show you the different densities, where it's not quite mixing, it's, like, almost like a lava lamp, which would have been a much better image in retrospect. Of course. And the ghost then clocks that you can see it and disappears.

And Laertes... Wait, he can see invisible shit. How does he do that? because his focus is now exactly where the ghost is. Okay. Now I get it. He goes double invisible. Like I'm not invisible, but I can hide

from you. I think of a lot of sense. He leaves the room. The ghost is like, bye. Oh, shit. If you're going to be a pervert about it, I guess I'll go. Weirdo. And Laertes, his like, poise is, he relaxes

and he's still like caught in this anger. I disarmed him, though. Yes. And he, but he's like, I, I'm, I, I just want to hurt Hamlet and I'm not a hundred percent sure, sure, sure. I pick up laerties and I'm going to hang him in the webs. You'll be right here. Perfect.

In fact, everyone gather around. I tell you what, old men are in the webs. If you're a man, get in the webs. Bolognais says, upies, honey. All right, I chucked Polonius into the webs. Yay! Rosencrant, Skildenstern, get over. We were just passing by.

Doesn't matter, web, web, web. All men in the webs. Thank you. That goes for every one of you two. All men in the webs. Leave it to the rest of us. And Gertrude goes, you know what? I think these boys just need to get their wiggles out.

You know what I mean? Leerties, Hamlet, they're just young 30-somethings. You know how they are. They get the zoomies. They get the zoomies. I would like to chase this ghost to try to pursue this ghost. Any means that I have available to me. I can't see invisible, though.

I'll go with you. Thank you, please. I pick up Philo by the bag of his head. I run around with him in front of me. Like, what is he? There, there, there, there. I'm using Philo to Jason. I'm just picturing them.

Oh, wait, no, I scoop up one of the blue of the other hairs. I've got them both. I'm holding both of them out in front of me. He's dual-wielding. Both of my partners, my associates. I like that so much. You don't have to roll. With your special invisible detective filo and your sniffer bear, you're able to track him down following into this kind of big hall,

a lot of the great hall we were in before. And when you get there, you're not able to spot exactly where the ghost is, but closely behind you come in Hamlet and Lierrez, Polone's Claudius, Rosen Grants of Guildenstern, Ophelia, Laertes, everybody. You can see Laertes in Hamlet cleaning the webs off, and they walk over to two racks and grab out fencing foils. And Gertrude's like, I have the best way for them to get their wiggles out. We're going to do a little just like fencing standoff,

kind of best of three kind of deal. Just let them burn through whatever. Piss and vinegar, these young boys get. to check the weapons, please. Okay. To make sure they're safe. I'm a professional. What skill are you using to do that?

Investigation. Okay. They look fine. This is the set. This is the set. That's gorgeous. That's great, Trev. I designed this myself.

That's really good. You should use that for a production of Hamlet. Thank you. They look fine. These look like good weapons for fighting each other. Excellent. Can I, do I see the skull bong anywhere? nearby?

Roll a D20 for me. I would assume Brother Philo picked it up. You know what happens when you assume? Yeah, it's sitting on the bench next to Hamlet. He never goes anywhere without Yorick. Okay. I say, let's bust these ghosts. It may be just the one.

Let me try that again. Time for this ghost to get busted. I'll light it up and smash it on the ground to cast fairy fire. Objects in a 20-foot, in range or outline in blue, green, or violet. Let's go with violet.

And it's outlined if it fails to dexterity saving throw. And objects and affected creatures shed dim light in a 10-foot radius and cannot benefit from the invisible condition. If any of those, that ghost is around. That's him? Yeah. The ghost appears in the middle of the room and does a dramatic point at Claudius.

And you see Hamlet's eyes flash red. And he goes, this is it, man. the time, I'm going to kill my uncle, because he killed my dad, and he draws his rapier. Wait! I don't think he actually did. If we look at

all the clues, and I just pick up the shoes, there's a slippy mark here on the bottom, which makes me think your dad had an old-fashioned uh-oh, after spilling some ink on the ground. He did a little slip, uh-oh, fell bonked his head, and then he died

from it instantly. Turning him into a ghost. Turning him into this bad ghost. QED? With different eyes like character actor Neil McDonough. Case closed. And Claudius says, It's true.

You know everything. He loved Sonic the Hedgehog. Hold on, wait. What? What? We don't know about that part of it. Start over. Start over the whole thing, Claudius.

I thought you knew everything. Woo! You know, the broad strokes. But say it out loud for everyone else as well. He's got more of a bird's die kind of thing. We need to drill down a bit. He was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog. Right.

And he would sit in his room all day drawing pictures of Sonic the Hedgehog and dress as Sonic the Hedgehog. And he would run around his room in his red Sonic the Hedgehog sneakers, yelling, got to go fast, got to go fast. And then he slipped on one of his Sonic the Hedgehog fans. and hit his head on the chest and died. And then I had to clean him up and get rid of the drawing so no one would know that he was obsessed with Sonic the Hedgehog and that's how he died.

Travis Lunds sucks is, I guess this beat for beat three minutes in and I just didn't want to blow it for you. I didn't want to blow the reveal. It was pretty obvious if you think about it. Yeah. I can't believe you guys figured it out. So, uh, time to leap. Why am I still? And as you figure this out.

The ghost splits in twain. Uh-oh. It's Sonic and Knuckles. And six, six skeletons enter in through the archways on the side. He should have been holds a chaos, Jim, in their hand. Wait. And the candelabras all along the walls spring into purple flame. There is a red-horned demon and a blue, much more like wasted kind of ethereal demon.

Have you guys been here? this whole time? And the blue demon says, indeed we have. Then why didn't I see you? We were the ghost. You saw the ghost. Ah, boo.

What are you doing here? This is our playground. It's not. It's one of Shakespeare's saddest works. Now, thanks to us, vengeance and wrath. It's a little heavy-handed, though, don't you think?

Yeah. But now we know their names, vengeance and wrath. And if you know a demon's name, you can exorcise them. Thanks, Clinton McElroy. You didn't sound very confident when you said that, sir. That's because it was Clint McElroy. And he left out a word in there. A demon's true name is the kind of thing he didn't say there.

Why don't you exercise yourself? Sounds like you know all the rules of it. Do us a solid. banish. So you've ruined one of Shakespeare's sexiest... Ruined? It was a vapid.

It was a sexy, sexy rum. I think we have stopped them from that, though. I don't know. It's all happy. And Raff says... And everybody's stuck in sticking stuff. And Vengeance says, oh, not so fast, brother.

We just need to finish our performance. And then in future performances, we'll just kill them before they wake. But wait. And the two demons leap into Hamlet and Liertes. Ah, man. With wrath

taking Hamlet and vengeance taking Leertes, and they square off to fight. Ah, shit. Roll initiative. Okay. 19 plus 2.21. 17 plus 2.19. Yes, I've even created a battle map.

15 plus 116. Okay, sorry, give that to me one more time. That's a 21 for Justin, a 19 for me, and a 16 for dad. We're going to fucking destroy these demons before they get a chance to act. You are placed in between the two of them, so you will, yeah, and then they also got a fight. So you go first. That's you. But wait.

What? We can't kill them. No, I'm pretty sure that the rule doesn't apply to demons. I know, but we have to avoid killing. They are squared off to kill one another. Oh, we have to get the demons out of them. We can't let, okay, we can't kill Hamlet. Yeah, I can't kill Hamletters.

Well, that does complicate things considerably. It's kind of weird that I actually knew that and you didn't. Well, I'm a forest fair. I mean, I've been paying a lot of attention, you know. I think Lady Godwin won the initiative. Yes, Lady Godwin, you are up first. I am going to, can I reach the chandelier? Are they too high up?

So along the walls on the walls are located, the chains for the chandelier. Paul, do you have the printouts that I gave you? Unbelievable. There's a supplemental. Fuck, yeah. You guys can see the set design this way. Okay, this is gorgeous.

And, Travis, this looks so rad. I'm going to toss this into the audience when we're done with the show because it looks so kick-ass. It looks like an FMV game from 1999. I'm going to throw Jennifer Meyer at the upper left chandelier chain. Okay, excellent. Give me an attack roll with Jennifer Meyer.

Okay, no problem. That's Lady Godwin's axe. 23. Yeah. Yeah. That's good enough to hit a chain. For sure. That'll move the chains.

It smashes down. Give me a D20 luck roll. Okay. So yeah, it crashes down up here. Not quite in the way of Hamlet and Laertes, but it is definitely creating some difficult terrain up in that area. Winnie the Pooh, you are next.

Well, you know, long as I'm attacking. Right, might as well attack again. I'm going to knock over, I'm going to try to throw layer T's into the broken glass, really put them in some difficult, difficult terrain. That's one way of doing that. Yeah. With a spin kick. One of my patented spin kicks. Oh, I didn't

realize there was none of your patented lady got one's spin kicks. He's going to kick the ghost right out of him. Well, let's see. Yeah, that 12 probably doesn't kick the ghost. No. Yeah, that does not kick the ghost. All right. Well, thanks for the... Winnie the Pooh, you are... Which one did Rath go into? Rath went into Hamlet.

I'm going to activate rage, by the way, as a bonus action. I walk away. I walk over to him and I say, I don't really know why I know how to do this, but pray with me. And I'll put hands on him. I'm going to cast this spell magic to try to free him from whatever kind of control spell he may be under at this precise moment. And I'm going to do that right this moment. 19 plus my spellcasting modifier, which is considerable, which is a plus four. So 23.

So he is still possessed, but he is now in control of himself, and he sees Laertes with this sword drawn on him, and he is going to panic and run. You are there. Bye, Hamlet. Hey, can you get your groove back while you're over there and save us all a lot of time? I'll work on it! Has he been stabbed already? No.

He's just got a cramp. Was that what I sounded like? Yeah. I thought he'd been stabbed. Sorry, that was handplaced and I'll try it again. I'll work on it. Okay, good. Dad, you are up.

Follow cast levitate. Fuck yeah. On Lear-T's. What situation can't be improved by? floating. And just shoot him right up to the ceiling. I'm going to do the same thing I've done about seven times now and ask you what I need to do or what you need to do to make that happen.

Just cast it. One creature, a loose object of your choice that you can see within range rises vertically up to 20 feet and remains suspended there for the duration. He just looks at it. Constitution saving throw. Thank you very much. So welcome, Travis. I've got your fucking back, man.

That's an eight, yeah. Didn't do it. Look at you. Nice, dude. So Laertes is floating. Cool. Yep. Try killing him now.

You're up. And the, what breaks that, Don? Is it, can I? Nothing. It's permanent. It's for the duration. Now he can just sort of fly a little bit. Like, is Layers?

Learthe's up at first, but... Thank you, Griffin. Now he can push and pull himself around like in zero G. You've given him flight powers. Now he can kind of fly. He's just like Laerties from him, but he can fly. And then when this spells it over, he gently floats to the ground. So, Dad made him fly.

Okay. He made him go up first a little bit, and that must have been so scary. And think about that. But he's going to have to push off of something. He's going to look like a real. dip shit. If he tries to eat a fruit pouch, it's just going to fly everywhere, you know what I mean?

No luck. This may be the adventure zone, but we do have the laws of physics. Good luck. Good luck. Pissing Leartheis. Thank you. You got a special suit or something.

So, the skeletons all move forward. I forgot about you. Yeah. And one of them gives Lear Tees a push. And he goes. How tall is you? skeleton. 20 feet

fucking tall, Clint. No, come on. The six skeletons stack up to form one 20 foot tall skeleton. Quit helping him. Sorry, it's just

such a kick-ass idea. How long does the duration of levitate last? 20 minutes. 10 minutes. Okay. And the skeleton is going to get up on the bench and try to

jump up and grab layer to his foot. That's a knot one. He does not. He does not do that and in fact slips off the bench and falls prone. Nice work, bonehead. He starts crying. I'm so sorry.

Hamlet has run away. Lear Tees is still floating. Okay, great. That brings us back up to the top. Justin, you are up. Do you want me because I'm a kind of benevolent GM to point out one of the scenic changes when the ghost split into the demons. A thing happened.

What happened, Travis? The candelabas sprung into purple flames. We got to do something with those, man. I made more purple flames in here like a real asshole. So do the opposite of what I did. Okay. Well, let me ask you this, Travis. When I did all that business with my chains

and my throwing my axes, did it happen to accidentally knock any of them out? Let me roll a perception check to see if it did. 18. Hachimachi. You see that it didn't. Well, I wasn't trying to like cheat. I was just trying to get a little information because I don't want to just like in my day to day.

I would never start blowing out purple candles hoping that it did something. It did not blow them out, but it did. I'll say this. So on each candlelabor there are three candles. Okay. The axe clipped one of them and extinguished one of them. and extinguished one of the three on the one closes the chain. Right?

And when that happened, wrath, no, vengeance who was occupying Laertes, you saw one of his knees buckle for just a second. Like, he was weakened for just a moment and then kept going. Okay. This one right here, upper left the wall sconce there. I'm going to throw a big jug of water at it. He has a big jug of water. It's a water.

Yeah. Lady Godwin's all about that hydration life. She takes her Stanley out and throws it. It's a water skin. I have it with a torch and a tender box. I got all this great shit. Athletics? I think it's an attack roll of water chug. I mean, I guess it would be an attack with water chock. Okay. Well, 18 plus six.

Yeah. That's, yeah. Okay. Candle doesn't have a lot of AC. So what happens? So that, this one up here, this is extinguished. And what happens with our friends? You're lost in the fucking sauce, bro. Roll 20's got you in its web, man.

I can find it. Hold on. Delete. Nice. Woo! When is it extinguished? You see that wrath in Hamlet. You see him, he like, takes a seat.

With the spell magic, Griffin, roll me a D20, luck check? 18. Yeah, so Hamlet is still in control, but even more so now, like, he's a lot calmer. He's regained, like, speech. What you say, you're getting your groove back? His hips wiggle in a very groove, like that way.

Now we're talking. Yeah. Quick, check his pockets for THC, honey. I check his pockets for THC. It's not my turn. He gives you some THC, honey. It is your turn. For him.

Gosh, it feels a lot like I'm being pressured to try drugs. No, you don't have to. You check, what? You checked my pockets for it. No, if you're going to twist my own. No, you don't have to at all. It's for him to calm him down. If he has the drugs, maybe he'll be calm enough to win.

No, you're gone. It's too late. Winnie the vood. You know, took all the drugs. I look around, and I look at wrath and the other one. I say, you call this drama? You think you've made a great dramatic work?

I was in kingdom hearts. And then I look around the room. I want to make sure Ophelia's not in. Is Ophelia in here? No. I say, she is in there, but she's on the raised platform. Okay, great. I cast tidal wave.

I conjure a wave of water that crashes down on an area within range, each creature within that area must make a dexterity saving throw. Sorry, everyone. Blah, blah, blah. The water then spreads out across the ground in all directions. It extinguishes unprotected flames in its area and then vanishes.

Yes. Excellent. How big is it the wave? 30 feet long and 10 feet wide and 10 feet tall. Okay, great. Before we extinguish the thing, Griffin, make a D20 luck check. If you get over 11 or higher,

then your enemies have disadvantage and your friends have advantage on their dexterity saving. What if it's the opposite? What if I got half an 11? So the determination is how the THC Honey affected you in that moment. Oh, shoot. Okay.

So it was very much like, I'll take kingdom! And I fuck up all my friends to death. Your friends have disadvantage on their dexterity saving throw and the enemies have advantage. I know, sever up! I rolled a two with disadvantage.

I call sever off right now if I wanted to... I got a five with disadvantage. I don't know if I got myself, but it feels like I should. Dad roll... I roll a six. All of your enemies saved. What?

And all of your friends failed? What? But I... Look over at Hamlet and I say, surf it. Not one. But he is currently an enemy. Hold on. Okay.

That was a 19. All right. He surfs it. His groove must be out of fucking. He's surfing it on a skeleton and it rules. He's found his emo party groove. Whoa. Yeah, Matt.

I didn't even know that existed. What about the candles? They're extinguished. Oh, thank God. And you see the ghosts and the demon. pulled out of layer teams in Hamlet. And now they're very, very little, little guys. I mean, little than us?

Yeah, even littler than you, standing at your feet. What do you do? Yeah, give it a second. Pervert! I would like to go one show without the audience screaming, step on them at us. I hope whoever sitting next to you is still slowly turning towards you. I hope they didn't rush it.

Brother Philo reaches down, plucks them both up, and slams them into his test tubes, and seals them. Yeah, he does. You have captured the demon wrath and the spirit of vengeance.

That's canonical. That's canon. Open up any copy of Hamlet tonight. It'll be what we did on stage here. And Hamlet and Learthe's shake it off and immediately hug and then do their secret handshake and it's super cool

and everybody has lived are they mad though about the big wave because I feel embarrassed we should probably go before we do you guys are going to help clean up right oh yeah for sure I have on my list a mess kit

so I'd be happy to help I have an observation to make before we leave Not helpful, but go on. I've got these two tubes with demons in them. And I've decided this is Tube A. And this... Get ready to walk off stage.

No, get ready to fucking walk off stage, man. Is Tube B. And that's going to do it first. Thank you all so much for being here. Thank you all so much. Maximum Fun. A Worker Owned Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.