The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Hercules: Live in Austin!

Episode Date: September 3, 2026

Who puts the glad in gladiator? Phileaux, Godwin, and Winnie-the-Pooh, obviously. The Dracula-slaying trio are tasked by the privileged son of Zeus to slay the beast of the underworld: Cerberus. But faced with golden apples, monsters, and way more rivers than we have time for, will they have enough stretched pennies to make it in time? Midwest Food Bank: https://midwestfoodbank.org/disaster-relief/ Help support this show and unlock bonus content! Become a member at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

In the beginning, there was nothing. From the nothing, Earth coalesced, made from the very stuff of stars. At its birth, our planet was nothing more than a swirling mass of fire and chaos. Out of the flames rose the Titans, led by the powerful being known as Cronus. Cronus had three sons, the youngest, Zeus, overthrew his father to become the king of the gods. Zeus, in turn, had many, many, many, many, many, many children. But there was one, born of an affair with a mortal who was held in his father's highest favor. His son, Hercules.

Two Hercules, he granted a boon. The greatest gift any parent can give their child. The power of nepotism. And welcome to the Adventure Zone versus Hercules. Sorry, I don't want to derail. What are you drinking? What is that? What are you drinking?

Straight pissed. That what is that? You've never had to drink on stage ever. Is that what your piss looks like? Yeah, man, cloudy and ochre. Is that squir? What are you drinking? Oh, God.

I saw him pulling it out of a big, not a joke, big back. big bag. He had a big bag of orange stuff that he is... It's lemonade. All right, man. That is not a thing you can pause before saying. It's fun. You should know Dad is

kind of a teetotaler. And also he did use spirit gum to glue his nose onto his face. Yeah. And it is it's a closed, it's kind of a closed loop in there now. A closed loop. Like a feed bag of

puffing. Hey, man. That doesn't make me how are you? How are you? How are you? How are you? Oh, wow.

It's gonna be a weird show. You're these lights, man. I'm ready, Traff. All right. Let me weave. Please. The three of you have taken a well-earned beach vacation in Morocco.

We did a live show two weeks ago. So. Yeah. That's why it's well-earned. Fair. A vacation in Morocco on the shores of Oceanis, the World Ocean. You guys know.

Sure. My favorite of the oceans. Yeah. Mutt, unable to get away from being King of England, who charged you with a mission of utmost importance. Collect a bunch of those squish penny things to add to his immense, and in his words, super cool and totally normal collection. You were able to accomplish this in about 20 minutes after getting off the boat.

For some inexplicable reason, that has zero impact on the plot, those penny squishing machines were everywhere. This is what the last live show was. It was just us going from squish Pandy Machine to Squish Pending Machine. It was pretty boring, honestly. So with a sack full of crushed coins, you reward yourself with a day at the beach. And I'd like you to go down the line, introduce your character, and tell us how they enjoy a day of the beach. Griffin.

Hi, everybody. I'm Griffin McElroy. Thanks for coming. In our celebration of fair use public domain characters tonight I will be portraying the role of Winnie the Pooh. You need to do the head. You need to put the head on at least for the opening. I did and I got sweaty instantly.

Okay. Winnie the Pooh enjoys a day. I don't know that this is Winnie the Pooh's first time at the beach. He's just screaming. He spilled honey everywhere and then tried to eat it. And it's just, he's fucking miserable. I'm a druid for the purposes of de-indsaying. Indeed, but I am not a beach druid, so really hating it, actually.

Dan? My name is Clint McElroy. I play a beach cleric, but that's a whole other art. That's a different art. Yeah. I play Philo, Brother Philo, the mystical, magical man who was transformed into Pinocchio. It's always so fun to hear the people in the audience who didn't listen to Tas. versus Dracula, where dad's character accidentally turned into Pinocchio in like episode five.

And he also is the turbo cardinal of England. Interim. Interim, turbo cardinal of England. And look, the difference between this nose and that nose? Yeah, that's good. Thank you so much. I don't know how he was going to do it. Oh, thank you, Paul.

That's a shame, Paul. I was looking. It was going to be like one of those dipping birds. Yeah. For our listeners at home, our dad is wearing a lot. a fake nose, I think, to call to the Pinocchio nature of his character, but it looks

like he's glued a hot dog to his face. Yeah. It also, you're probably not close enough for this dear audience, but every time he breathes, you can see it fucking like pupate. It's really, it's really it's horrifying. Justin and I are getting constant profile of that.

It sucks. Can I get a... Perif is a nightmare. The perif is a wreck. Can I get a solo camera on this? We don't have any cameras. We have One camera for our dice. Okay, and Justin? Hi, I'm Justin McElroy. How's it going?

I am portraying Lady Elizabeth Godwin, and I have spent... Please, I have spent my day at the beach getting junk. I have found... It's interesting, I was never a big drinker before my accident, which required my

very elegant head to be put onto a barbarian lady body. I was never a bit drinker before, but the darnedest thing, since I've been in this body, if I don't have it, I get a little grouchy. I love it. I love the stuff, and if I don't,

I'm sad. I never felt that way before. But I do now. Not now now, because I'm at the beach day drunk. Well, the three of you... Well, was I supposed to say... Oh, yeah. What do you enjoy the beach, Philo?

What do you do with the beach, Canokio? I gather up Driftwood looking for relatives. I'm so glad you said relatives and not a bride. Ooh, can I change it? No, no, too late. It's actually all of it, stricken from the record. The three of you, after two of you, I guess, have fun on the beach while dad tries to find what would be his dead public family members.

Well, we don't need to get into the bleakness of that and eating some crunchy honey. decide to go on a walk down the beach together, and you find yourselves at the gate of a beautiful garden with a golden plaque proclaiming it, the Garden of Esperities. In the center of the garden is a towering, majestic apple tree. Yeah, I feel like something's trying to draw our attention

in this image, fam. Yeah, a giant pawn shop on the beach. That's an actual picture of the Garden of Esperities. You, you stupids. Okay. Though it is clearly thriving, it has only three apples on its branches, three golden apples. A serpent-like dragon uncurls itself from the trunk of the tree and slithers over to greet you. Oh, visitors.

Hello. Nice, nice try, Satan. No, no, I am not Satan. I am laden. Laiden with evil? No, Laden, the dragon. Wow. Yeah, all right.

My apologies. I didn't see the leathery worms. No, I get it. You see a serpent-like creature coming down from a tree with apples. Yes, we all know that other one. You see it, too, right? The two of you, you see it? Yes.

Excellent. All right, good news. Oh, I see it, man. I see it. Does this usually happen when you've been heading the... sauce. Actually, when I don't, is that okay?

I'm so happy to have guests here, and let me ask you a question. I know this is going to seem loaded. Speaking of, tip of the hat. Are you fans of Hera? Do you support the great and wonderful

Hera? Yes. Sure. Absolutely. Can I roll an insight check to see if, what correct answer to this question is. I don't think this is a camera worthy role. That is a 13 plus 3, 16. Yeah, he's looking at you

like, like, for sure, definitely love. Excellent. Then might I grant unto you a boon from Harris Garden? Sup of these fine apples. Once again, I know

how that sounds when you know the other story with the serpent in the tree, but this is a good thing I promise. Don't make it weird. Now listen, normally we would make it weird. But before we started the show, Travis said there will be one point where someone's going to try to get you to eat something. And I know it's going to seem like it's a trick, but it's not. And please eat it and don't make it weird.

So normally, I would not be taking this latent face value, except for this one specific instance. I promise I'm not deterred. I'm a cool dragon guy. Professor Layden? Yeah, oh, yes? I eat it mine already. That's good. I want you to eat them.

Oh, okay. I thought it was like a... I would like to do a perception check on Winnie the Pooh to see how he's doing. That is a... 13. 13 will do it. He is glowing.

Not in like the... Oh my God, you're glowing. but like literally glowing with like a golden aura. And you, when you feel a warmth inside you, you feel cared for and protected by a powerful being. And you have gained a boon from Hera that has given you inspiration for whenever you want to use it. You can call for advantage on a role.

Wow. I'll leave this on the table then so I remember that I have that. Yeah, that's why I gave it to you guys because I know you. Yeah. Listen, I eat at core and all. Yep. You get the same feeling. No more because I ate the core.

Do I get anything extra because I ate the core? You're full. Okay. It soaps up a little bit of the booze, but not in a way that it's upsetting. Like you feel mellowed out and cool. Hey, brother Philo, can we talk for just a second? Yes, of course. I know that you like me lack a sort of traditional digestive system.

Yeah. And when you eat it just kind of bushes. out of your wooden bucket. Right, okay. I'm saying this time it got into my fluffy stuff inside and it didn't mess it up. So go nuts, ma'am.

Well, I'm nothing but wood down there. So no, Joe, shut up. We're toys. We don't have external genitalia. Daddy's it up. He specifically told us. I know.

All right. Brother Falo, takes it like a giant pill. Cool. Swallows it a whole apple. Why not? He's a puppet. I was going to have you magically consume it, but sure. Yeah.

Sure. After 15 minutes of watching Philo gag down a whole apple. I want to be clear, I was in another zip code when that was happening. I was nowhere near that. Wow. My God. Suddenly, the skies are filled with. specs. As they fly closer, you can see that there are hundreds of arrows. The majority of them

strike Leiden. The rest strike into the ground around them. Is he okay? With an ow, Layden falls dead. An army of Greek soldiers marches forward, joining them as a crowd of what is clearly adoring fans. A soldier in especially ornate armor sets forward and reads from a scroll, Attention, citizens of Morocco. Please join your voices and answer me. Who put the glad in gladiator? Whose daring deeds are great theater. Is he bold?

Is he sweet? Our favorite flavor. Hercules, Hercules, Hercules. Hercules As the army and the adoring crowd Begin chanting the name of Hercules There is a crack of thunder And a flash of lightning

Wow Wow There's even lighting effects That's never happened before Yeah this is like being at the Captain Eo show Yeah guys I didn't even plan that I should have we should Y'all if I had known this is gonna be a 40

experience we would have charged more Yeah, I'd known And you didn't smell a whip of burned ozone Oh, a little spritz. Oh, just like Hobbs and Shaw. You need to know, we saw that movie in 40. That's a 40-in-out. And before you stands the embodiment of a hero.

He is well-muscled, but not so much as to be distracting. His hair is perfect. His body, oiled. He flashes a dazzling white smile, and many of the fans and even a few of the soldiers faint. He raises his hands. and the crowd quiets. He walks dramatically to the body of Leiden,

turned pin cushion, and he lifts the body with ease, and he addresses the crowd. This unnamed dragon... Laiden. What? His name was Leiden. As I said, this unnamed dragon

was a brave opponent who fought with honor and tenacity, even though our epic battle lasted for hours, he never gave up. I commend his body to the heavens that they might form his likeness in the stars that he may never be forgotten. And with that he hurls the corpse into the sky.

Whoa! Does it come down? It soars seemingly forever, upward, until disappearing from view. Holy shit! And Hercules clas his hands. Well, that's done. Time to grab me some apples. He turns his back on you towards the tree And you see his body stiffen

He looks around confused Before his eyes settle on you It takes him a moment Like an eight-year-old doing multiplication And then His beautiful blue eyes narrow Hey, you three didn't happen to eat some apples Did you?

We did, yes, we were offered him By that terrible, terrible dream dragon. I did not eat one. Hey, how come when you... Your nose grows. You can't give me that prop and then lie. Yeah, sir.

I ate, I swallowed it. I didn't eat it. Yeah, dad, read a book. I believe there's... That's the same thing, my dude. If I put a whole hamburger in my mouth and force it down by esophagus, which you've done? I got to get away in court by saying I didn't eat it.

I just swallowed it. I always thought mastication was involved. in the process. That's between you and your god. Okay. Also, my writer states, you can't say that when you're next to me. Yeah.

Sick with chewing. Mr. Hercules, is it? We did eat the apples because they were given to us by that nasty dragon whom you yeated up into space. So happy. That dragon's dead, by the way.

He is now. Thrilled. Can I speak to the three of you over here? Thank you. Sure thing. Yeah. Do you know who my daddy is? Zeus?

Yes. Oh. The baddest motherfucker on Olympus. Whoa. Literally. Yeah, really. I've never heard that word before. Olympus is from Greek mythology.

No. The other one. The nasty, dirty one. Oh, mother is the female partner. All right. Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. Did any of your dads ever turn into a swan to seduce a mortal woman?

I don't think so. My dad did. He did. You could say that again, but slower. He turned into a swan and seduced a mortal woman. And I'm proud of him for that. Wait, can I, sorry. Yeah, I've also got a few questions.

Why does the goose form make it eat? A swan. Okay, yes. Why does the swan form make it eat? he said it's a human woman. Yes, a follow-up. Was it a particularly hot, swan? Oh, yeah.

Fuck, man. Wait, how are you supposed to get those apples? Well, we... This was number 11 of my 12 labors, you assholes. I'm pretty sure this woman won't count now, dad, damn it. Sorry, one of your quest was to eat three apples. Yeah, man, I had another one that was to clean out of barn. Wow.

And that one, apparently, because my cousin, Eolas, held, didn't count. Now I'm in trouble and I had to do two more. It's a weird thing. But a lot of us myths are weird. Well, sorry, are you going to shoot us with a billion arrows? That was my first thought, yes. Oh, no. Take a bad shot.

What? Take your best shot. No, no. It's not. He just threw a trap in his race. He starts to gesture towards the soldiers, but then that ornately dressed soldier steps up and whisper something in Hercules's ear. And Hergly's response in a low voice, that's a great idea, IOLUS.

All right, everyone, all on my own, I've just come up with a brilliant idea. I challenge these three in a race to complete my final labor. If I win, but I am clearly superior and therefore, declare that I also get credit for getting the apples. If they win, they will not be smited. Smitten, they will not be smitten by my dad. It depends on if he's in his hot goose form. You would be so lucky.

Sorry. The crowd cheers and folks shout things like, makes complete sense to me. And he turns back to you and says, you all are lucky. The last one is easy. First, a journey through the underworld and capture the three-headed hound serverer swings.

Oh. Dad, would you help us out? And there's a crack of thunder and a flash of lightning. Nope, only the first time. That's cool. Okay. After your...

That was the god. That was the god Marimba. Fucking around. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing funnier is going to happen on this stage tonight. Then come on, God, give it to me.

After the three of you disappear, several of the soldiers are struck by something. It's the body of the dragon laden as it hurls back to earth, squishing them into the ground. When your vision clears, you find yourself in the underworld. The underworld. On the shore of a wide and... There we go. Oh, shit. On the shore of a wide and rushing river.

Eerie, light, green water, teeming. with the spirits of the dead. Hercules is nowhere to be seen. What do you do? What do we see on the other end of the river? And I hope the answer isn't five big fucked up skeletons because that is what the visual reference would suggest. Griffin, all I see is plumes of smoke.

You see skeletons in those? Sorry. Can I wrote a perception check to see what I see? I forgot we were playing Dungeons and Dragons. Yeah. You thought I was just weaving a great story. 17 plus 623. That's really good.

You see a little way down the shore from here. A boat parked at a short pier. The boat has many seats and a canopy covering the top. Besides the boat stands a tall, shrouded figure with a hood pulled up over his head. He stands behind a set of stanchions with a velvet rope across them. Filo makes a religion check to see whom this person is. never gets trotted out on the adventure zone, especially at live shows.

I'm so excited for our first ever live religion show. Roll for me, Dan. Okay. Hell yeah, digital tabletop. And it is a dirty 20. You recognize this from your brief studies of Greek mythology that this is the boatman Karen, the ferryman of the river sticks. Awesome.

Who wants to see your manager? It's the first time he's ever heard that joke. According to my inventory, I've got 39 gold coins for some reason, so... Excuse me, Mr. Skeleton... Oh, yes? Is this money enough for a ride across the river? I do not accept it, old coins, only pennies. Is there a fucking...

ATM or some... Oh my God! Hercules has really spoiled me. Has it... Is it okay if they're slightly smushed? Whatever could you mean? Well, we have a whole bunch of slightly smushed pennies. Sulfany of Piddies are my collection?

Now hold on a second. We can't just be giving those away. We promise them to mutts. I mean, no, but it's mud. Yes, and he loves smushed pitties. That's the whole reason we're doing this. Well, I know. The pennies are the mission.

I only require one penny for each of you. Come on. You have 57 pennies in that sack. I can see it from you? Paul, can I have more monitor? I cannot understand a damn word my brother's saying. This voice. What is so hard to understand about the way of it?

All of it, yeah. Okay, I guess. Thank you, Paul. Karen clears his throat. Sorry, man. Yeah, is that better? One more time. Yeah, is that better?

I just need like one penny for each year. Hit the T's a little harder. One penny for each of you. There we go. That's nice. What? Thank you, Paul, slash Karen. You just adjusted your posture and you sound so much nicer.

I start rooting around the bag of smushed pennies. Do you think that Mutt would miss this commemorative Dollywood Smushed Penny? I'm going to roll an insight check to see how much I read. remember about Mutt's love for Dollywood. All right, I got 17. It's high. It's high.

It's real high. He fucking loves Dollywood. He loves Dollywood. Choose another. Is there a space needle in there? Yes. Whoa, there's actually three state seals in there. Space needle, he said.

The monitors may need here's three space needle commemorative pennies. Fuck Seattle. God. Damn it. Welcome aboard. Wait, your voices are doing the thing. Yes, I have a cold.

You stand like a Charlie in the box. As you sit down in the boat, he pulls the station, and then he pulls a rope up over the entrance of the boat, and he says, hey, everybody, welcome. No, come on. Welcome onto the boat cruise. I'm Karen. I'm going to be your guide today.

Welcome in. Look over there. There's a rock. another rock. Ha ha. Just some jokes. Welcome in. Sid Typhos,

I'm going to get you across the river six in no time. Yes, a question. Why can I hear the wailing of the dead? Yes, the river sticks is filled with many unrestful spirits.

Lots of the areas around here in this side of the underworld are filled with the spirits who can't cross into the Elysian field. What's with all the complaining, Winnie? I thought he was the Karen.

It's the first. I've ever heard that joke. No, it isn't. No, I know for a record. It's the second time. Anyways, sit side. I'm going to have you over there in note time. He continues to point out things along the way, making horrible, dumb, obviously practice jokes

about little settings and scenery along the shores of the river sticks as he sails you across. But the three of you sitting in different areas of the ship are distracted by movement in the water. First, it's dad's nose. It's dad's nose. The ghost of dad's real nose says, set me free. Philo, you see swimming up to the surface of the water

amongst a teeming school of these unquiet spirits, a face that you recognize. And he pops up through the water and says, it's me, the terrible cardinal. Interim. No, I was another farmer. I'm a dead. There's no more interim than dead.

No, I think that's the opposite of what you're thinking of. It's very permanent to be dead. Pisan, it's good to see you again. Winning. Yeah. You see a man, rise in the surface. You don't recognize his face, but he is coated in honey. And he says, hey, oh, listen, there's something about it that tells you're the

I'm looking for, listen, there's a kind of ritual in burial in our culture where they sometimes just pour honey all over us, right? And now we got all this honey down there. Whoa. Yeah, man, and nothing to do with it all, because we're all ghosts. This is sweet, is sweet sticky stuff. It's so much, and we need to get rid of it. How much sand? How much sand? No sand. This is Primo stuff. Uncut. This is uncut, pure, wildflower honey. Is it wet down there? Because I can't get wet.

No, it's all ethereal spear water. You're going to be fine. Now, Lady Godwin. Yes. Once again, it's a man you don't recognize. Rise of the surface. And he goes, hey, listen, this is a bit of a weird question, but is that your body? And you see your original old lady body headless, kind of lash to a rock waving at you?

That's an optical illusion. I won't be taken in. But is the fucking honey real? The honey is extremely real. I'm outy 3,000. I would like, can I do, I'd like to do perception or insight? Well, I would like all three of you

to make a wisdom save, please. That makes a lot of sets. This seems like a good time for one of those. Plus six on the sweet wisdom. Saving? Yeah, so wisdom saved. Nine plus six, 15. Okay.

16 plus 117. Okay. I'm not even gonna roll. Just give me my. I've got a four. Excellent. So Winnie and Philo, you instantly realized like, no, this is the river of the dead. This is full of ghosts.

No, only an idiot will fall for this old trick. And meanwhile, Lady Godwin overtaken with perhaps the joy of being reunited with your ancient beautiful lady body. You're ready to go. And Philo and Winnie, you look over and where Lady Godwin sees a man speaking to her and pointing to her body. You see just tendrils of spirits curling up her arms and pulling her inch by inch into the water. Uh-oh. I have an idea, but it's pretty extreme.

So I'm waiting for one of the two of you to have a less extreme idea. I do. I'm not going to do. I'm going to let you guys do something because I am here. Yeah, Lady Godwin is under the sway of the tendrils of her. Can't come up with anything. I mean, I guess I can come up with something. How deep would you say is Lady Godwin in this spectral water?

At this one, I would say like it has pulled her into the water up to like her forearms. Oh, so she's not like deep underwater. No. Oh, okay. Well, that's a, that's a horse of a different color. But it's pulling her in inch by inch. Brother Philo tosses Lady Godwin his potion of flight. Not sure how that's.

Well, if he can fly above the water, he could go and get... But there's nothing to go get. She's in the boat. She is still in the boat. I also did just make it clear that both of her arms were in the water wrapped in tendrils. And you just chucked a potion. No, no, no. Dad...

Make a dexterity check. Dexterity check. Here we go. All right. Next screen. Keep going. Keep going, keep going. Give up, Dad.

Don't give up, I know that's... Yep. No, Dad, I'm going to say roll this in the box. Yeah, this feels like... Oh, okay. Yeah, roll this in the box. Here we go. You've got a plus three to your dexterity modifier.

That's a six plus three, a nine, not your best work. No. Okay, yeah. Actually, it is. The bottle smashes into the side. It will leave Godwin's head. God damn it! And she now...

She now begins floating out of the boat, raising up as the boat continues on. Better. Now, she was at the front of the boat, and you guys were at the rear, but it now has become a bit of a timed thing where your opportunity to get to her is going to pass in moments.

All right. I am going to cast a great druid spell, and it is called Entangle. I would like to conjure up grasping plants from, I guess, the boat, in a 20 foot or boat-sized square within range. And creatures in the area when you cast the spell must succeed on a strength saving throw

or have the restrained condition thinking, restrain her to the boat, good. End of idea. I'm going to say since you are now floating, I'll give you this dad, since you started floating, Godwin, you are now aware of the situation, the impact of the bottle on the side of your head,

has snapped you out of it. So you're floating up. So I'll give you the option to fail to check on purpose to get entangled. Say what? So you don't, if I restrain you, you won't be pulled into the underworld river forever to die. Okay, so I would like to be restrained. Yes. I will accept the restraint.

Good for you. Thank you. So at this one, now there is, what can only be described as. Oh, wait, hold on. Me and Dad also have to roll to see if we're restrained by the plants. Oh, okay, cool. That's a crit. I'm definitely not restrained by my own plan.

No, and in fact, I'll say this. It now has, like, giving you a cool belt. Yeah, yeah. And maybe some awesome bracelets. And also, I really like it. On a 20, I like how it feels a lot. Okay, cool, man. I'm learning so much about myself.

Wait, what are you doing? You know what? Here's what I'll give you. With a 20, you immediately know the magic code word Oh, that will tell the plants to let you go. Cool, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank God. And I, that was a little retroactive because dad got a two.

Yeah, sure. But now at this point there is an unconventional tug of war as Lady Godwin is being pulled by the wrists by spirits in the river sticks. Yeah, yeah. And restrained to the boat by boat plants. Yeah. But at this point, the boat is now kind of like stretching. those two things. But you're not at risk of being pulled away from them.

You're not being pulled in the water. You're now right in the middle. What do you guys do to break that spirit hold? I want to cast a mage hand to get my real hand to come and start. Because I still have my original hand in my bag. So I want to have my hand come out and start freeing me from the other hand. So if you can imagine like a thing kind of guy kind of like skittering out and starts to lift my fake fingers off of my new. hands. Great. Roll for me

either a strength track, a dex check, or a slide of hand check, whichever one you want to. Yeah, I'll go with strength on this one. Yeah, I thought so. Yeah, that's a three plus three. Did it again? Did it again? Trying to bowl our fingers and then just turn it back to you and give somehow, it's a hand, a shrug. Just the pinky of thumb, like,

it's a ghost. It's ghosts, boss. I don't know, boss. It's ghosts. Can I hit the ghost hands? Sure. Ow! I'll just do an unarmed attack roll, I guess. I can do that. That's a thing I'm totally able to do.

Here we go. Unarmed strike. 19 plus 6. 25. Jesus Christ. You hear a chorus of whales say, Oh, not fair, dude! And the hands release Lady Godwin as the plants pull her in.

and you see several like vines, almost like seatbelts, go across and strap Lady Godwin in safely. That's my fault. I usually do vine us into every vehicle we get in first. So, yeah. And you hear Karen finish up a spiel like, hey, thanks for, let me try that again. Hey, and if you had a good time today, tell your friends to come sail away with me on the River Six next time. Hey, thanks so much. Hey, thanks for giving me a second try of that joke.

No, no, no, Domoranagato to you. Also, not a joke. Can we speak to your manager? Because she almost fucking died, dude. Well, to be fair, I thought you were already dead or I wouldn't have let you across the river? That's kind of the... Wait, are you guys alive?

Oh, no. I suck her punch him in the nose. Yeah, I'm not going to make E-roll. You get him right in the nose. He's like, so I bet no one ever tries that shit with him. Well, but also you punch a skull. Yeah, yeah. His thong?

A skull. A skull. The monitor is still. I'm sorry. You punch his thong. And he's so confused by it that he just starts. How did you know I was wearing a thong? Can I take our three pennies back for the trouble?

You can have one of them. I take one of our, you're being so weirdly stingy about these imaginative. Squished pennies, but fine. And Griffin, there's absolutely no reason for it. I need to ask if we can start the live show over. Huh, that's not chilling at all.

I was playing as Zooks and didn't realize it. I just switched it back over. No, wait. All of you shut up. All of you shut up. What the fuck are you talking about? I had the character sheet for Zooks up, and that's why my roles were so wet and bad.

Is that why when you introduced your character, you call them a very magical man instead of what his actual class is? Because you didn't have the right thing pulled up. Dad, everything Zooks does is some perverted fish ocean shit. I know. How did you looking at the character sheet? Every spell is a fish pervert spell. that he has.

He's a coral man. How do you not look at the stats of a man made of coral and know it's different from a fucking puppet? His brother, Mac, you know what I is? Spirit gum.

He just have one normal body. Just one normal body that is a bunch of toothpicks that I've re-emulated with the spirit of Groucho Marx. Just like one normal guy named Durf who has a sword or something, you know?

Fuck. You know, Justin, words hurt. His brother Philo character. Just one fucking rogue. Hi, I am the crow. I do thieving. I have knives.

You know what I mean? That's fucking cool, dude. Your next character is going to be Todd, a dude. Yeah. Normal. Like a normal guy with a body. God. Not three bodies like this adventure you've had.

So is that a no to restarting? No, actually, your character is just dead forever now. So, you'll cross the river six. Awesome. Somehow. And you find yourself. That's when we see Zook sinking below the water. Well, that's glad to help.

Great job, guys. Why haven't I leaped? I'll let my load take. I'm down here with all the amnesty guys. There's Ned. Look at Ned. I can't believe it. I get paid a commission on every character from other arcs.

up the next river, thank you. Wow. You find yourself on the shores of a fiery river of blood. Jesus Christ, how many rivers are there? I'm only going to do three, but there were like nine of them.

Filled with the spirits of murderers. Some of your favorites are in there. Some history's best murderer. Yeah, man. Think of the cool ones that you would be interested in talking to. Not the bad ones that you definitely don't know I talk to. Uh-uh.

You also see, but can't quite make out very large kind of roundish shapes moving in the water. Those are definitely not spirits, but from here at a glance, you can't tell exactly what they are. Is it hot? Is this river hot? Because it looks hot. Yeah, man. It's a flaming river of blood. All right. I didn't know about the flaming part. Jokes on me, I guess. Damn, I looked for boat man of this river? There is no boat man of the river Fleterthon, I think it's pronounced. Bad news, guys, no boatman on this one.

So it's all right. Look, I looked in my kit here. I have a hemp and rope of 50 feet. So I take the hemp and rope and I cast it across the river. Oh, God, I wish you'd held on to one end of it. No, I did. No, I held on to one end, I cast it across the river. Oh, okay. Justin? Yeah. Roll a D20. Straight up and you need to get an 18 or higher.

Box it. Better box it, yeah. Put it in the box. That's a big dice. Nine? Yeah, you throw it out. It lands on the fire. Immediately catches fire.

Burns back to your hand in a hilarious wily coyote-esque fashion. Oh, fuck. Okay, wait, wait. No, no, no. I've got this. I've also got a rope and a water skin. I douse my rope in water. And check this shoot out.

I tie a sickle to the end of it, which I also have in my inventory. Now I got a whole thing. Okay, roll the D20 and you need to get a 16 or higher. Why is it high? High School. Good Lord. His was 18 or higher.

Yours is 16 or higher. I think 16 is not enough because with the sickle, it should be more, because that's a good idea. The sickle? I made it easier. It should be more easier. You have to get 18 or higher. There's only three numbers.

Okay, it's a 12. It lands the sickle, the rope, the rope, the water burst into flames. Okay, shit, hold on. Here we guys, one of us has made a wood. Ah, yes! I could float across. Now, hold on.

I'll remind you again, there's spirits in the water, and there's also large shapes. I make an arcana check. I make an arcana check to see what the large shapes are. You make a what check? Arcana. Arcana. Okay.

Yeah, roll in our grandin check, I don't know what you get. I will. You're so good at this, death. I get a 12. Yeah, that's good enough. And it says on a sheet that Merle has a plus three to this sort of check. So, yeah, with that, I tend to grade his rolls on a curve.

So, you can see these large bright red animals floating in the river, and these are the mythical zipopotamus. Zippopatomus. Is it real? Okay. No, I made it up. Man, I don't know.

Creatures that are able to withstand extremely high temperatures while remaining cool to the Dutch. They are generally docile creatures, but wind provoked so they can open their mouths wide and shoot out gouts of flame. While they don't form a straight line, they are spread fairly evenly from one shore to the other and could be used to cross. Oh, that's a little on the nose. Yeah, I'm a try. It's a trap. I've seen the way you guys have played tonight. I'm just going to give you every piece of information I have.

I cast speak with animals, assuming it'll work on these imaginary creatures that you've developed. Hey, Griffin, this is a game full of dragons and shit. Fair point. You're going to get on me about Zippopotamus? Fair point. Hey, guys. Hello.

Keep, okay, speak with very, closed mouths, because I've got it on... I don't know. All right, that actually is going to be tough to understand. Do you want somewhere in the middle? Yeah, that's great. We need to get across this river. Can you all squish your bodies together or into a perfect, seamless bridge?

Because my legs are so short. Well, let me ask you this, teddy bear. What's in it for us? Do you have any squished pinny? You win, Zippopotamus. We'll answer your riddle. Go ahead. How many is quished finny?

Whatever 57 minus three years. Wait, is it a riddle too? Hold on. While they're talking with Winnie, I am going to take that moment to leap across them to get to the other side while they're distracted. Great, yeah, you're going to have an advantage

of this because they are distracted. I think he gets double advantage because my flight potion should still be in effect. Nope. It smashed him on the side of the head so it had limited effects. He's floating upside down. It's hard. Would you rather, I have you still carrying him like a balloon? What do you want?

Dex check, trap? What would make sense for it? Yeah, athletics or acrobatics, whether you're jumping or flipping. All right, let's try. I don't know. Athletics. Here we go. That is an 8 plus 6.

14. Okay. With advantage. Let me roll it again. Here we go. Yeah, who needs advantage? I would say right now, because they are all raised up and talking, so they're not bobbing up and down like they were before. Right now, they're all in negotiations with Wendy the Poole.

14. Get you across. Whoa, Samo! Hey, hey, hey, hey! I'm so sorry about her. That's crazy, Lady Godwin. We're having a conversation. Anyway, hippo...

Go. Hmm? Fine, go for it, dude. What? Go, anyway, hippopotamai. Wait, wait, what were you... Zipopatomy? Zipatomai?

I've got... We're actually zipopotomuses. That's weird that it... We're a different creature entirely. Behind... Behind the hippopotamai. Zipotomy. Zipopatomai.

In eye range of Philo, I take out my javelin and extend it to him to try to like, here's something you can like jump to, like reach for this. Like, come. Okay, great. Philo, if you're going to go roll with advantage, you need to get 12 or higher to get across with the help of the javelin at the end. On what kind of role? Athletics or acrobatics.

Not great at either. Yeah, roll that on the big. I think roll that beautiful bean footage. 12 or higher, here we go. You have advantage. Okay, all right, Dad. Come on. Give me that big...

He's got a plus one in both skills, so he needs an 11 here. Yes. Yes. That is 14 plus 1. Yes. That is 14 plus 1, a 15. You go skipping across nimbly bimble,

your little puppet legs, clicking and clacking. You make it across. You spring from the javelin, forth to land dramatically next to Lady Godwin. And that leaves Winnie the pool alone on the shore. Hold on, I didn't think about this. I have a small body that's leaden with beach water.

Hey, can one of you zip apart of Mrs. please to shuttle me across? I will not survive. For two squished pennies. You got it, dude. No! Hey! Wait. We need those.

They're important. At this point, you had 57. You gave away. three, you got one back. Travis... So you're off to 55. Griffin... You can give away three

and you'll only be at 52. Travis swore that the number of pennies we had at the end of the adventure would be very important. Okay. How about this? I cast levitate on poo. Oh, okay. That works too. I cast levitate on poo. Yeah. Okay. I'm levitating now.

You've had really, really, really, really good success to make people waitless this evening. Dad, I don't see why you even want to try it. Griffin, make a dexterity saving truck to make sure you don't spill any of the squish finnecks. Oh Christ! Oh, you fool! Fuck!

As you go floating up in the air, your body's spinning around. Seven of the squish. Lady Godwin jumps in to get him. The flaming lava. Lady Godwin reaches in to get him. In her mind, like, she's wishing she could. She's thinking, I wish I could do it. Winnie the Boo, you float safely to the side, but you watch

seven more squish pennies of mill in the river of lava. And with that, we will take it. our dramatic break in the action. Hey, we have posters for sale out in the lobby. We got challenge coins for the Pulsorboard Memorial Can Food Drive that go to benefit, Hope Food, pantry, Austin. Go back to the poster. The poster is so rad.

Look how cool that is. It's a very cool poster designed by John Barlow. We signed a bunch of them. We'll be back in a bit for Act 2. Thank you. Now, listen, it occurred to me in the wings. Sorbo! Yeah, as that played.

Shout out Sorboe. Is he here? Yeah. Kevin, you here by? Kevin Sorbo! Ladies and gentlemen! That was the theme. King, get out of here!

That was the theme to the legendary adventures of Hercules, starring Kevin Sorbo. And I just wanted to take a quick moment. I was so excited to do this show when I have the idea for the Adventure Zone versus Hercules because it allowed me to combine my two touchstone references to Hercules,

which was Disney's Hercules, but make him a sack of shit, like Kevin Sorbo. And I was so excited to get to meld those two images in my mind. Before we get into Act 2, real quick, I want to say thank you to our poster designer, John Barlow, for making us look cool.

It's quite a feat. Look at that. Also, to the Paramount Theater. We've been here a couple times at this point, and they're always welcoming. It's so good to be back. Thank you for coming here and for having us. Also, a reminder, there will probably be some after the show, I assume.

The Paul Saboran Memorial canned food drive with all proceeds going to the Hope Food Pantry, Austin. We're also going to be here, if you can believe it, again tomorrow night. Yes. Doing my brother, my brother, and me. Completely different show. Totally different show. All different jokes. Mbim-Bam with a wonderful opening, which I, Rachel and I very much looking forward to.

But let us know. Are you going to talk about Austin? stuff in that episode, Griffin? You want me talking about Austin thing? Weirdly, no, all Houston. Isn't that fucked? Yeah. Hey, I don't like it. Hey, right there with you. Yeah, Blame Rachel. She's not here.

She's the one who's like, we gotta do Houston. Hey, and while you're all riled up, thanks to Paul and Amanda and Rachel and everyone who helps us put this live show on, you all are the best. All right, seven more rivers. baby, let's go! Woo!

No, you traverse all those rivers, they're easy. Great. There's bridges, they're comfortable bridges, with lots of benches along the way, a couple popcorn, and those, like, candied nut vendors, and they're given samples away. Those things always smell so good,

but the flavor never quite looks like that. Well, and they'll break your jaw, you know? But anyways, your tummy's full of nuts, and your head is full of dreams. Amazing. Yep. And my dreams are full of nuts And your nuts are full of dreams

God damn it I'm God's son Okay You approach the final river Great Which is, especially when compared to the other two Incredibly narrow And appears to be fairly shallow

Great Less like a river and more like a wide brook It flows with ethereal blue water There are no spirits Animals or Boats here Just water Nice fucking try, dude. What, hell can't have a nice river?

Arcona check on the nice river. Please. I don't, I'm not good at that, but, um. Want me to do it? No, he declared it with confidence. Okay. It's a natural. Ply to.

No, it's totally safe water and Winnie the Pooh feels so good about it. Let's go, dudes. All right, Lady Godwin gets a big slur. Winnie the Boots never steered her wrong. He's a nature druid. I'm listening 100% and get a huge slurp. This fat brook is highly slurpable. So, Winnie, you go waiting in and Godwin gets a big slurp.

I splashed down. Huge slurp of that fat brook, dude. I splashed down that fat brook and I just barrel roll across it. The two of you. But I take a huger slurp than him. Let the record show. No, he's rolling in it. Yeah, but let the record.

He's trying to catch a fat salmon. You're taking a huge slur. Right. The two of you, as one of you slurps the river and the other one barrel rolls in it. Yeah. Wait, wait, wait, what? Where are you? Who?

What? Who are you? What's going on? Why are you here what's happening? You look around. There's two other beings here. They mean nothing to you. Can I be me?

Can I be Justin? Crazy. Can I be Justin? You know what I mean? Because I've stepped out. Dude, we know the title of your autobiography coming out this fall, Penguin House. Can I be Justin's subtitle for Justin Minna?

Okay, so I've lost it. I'm, I'm disoriented. I've forgotten where I am, what I'm doing. You forgot who you are, you forgot where you are, who these other people are, and what you're doing. I look at my tabularasa. I look at my body and then I look up at you two And I'm like,

Ro, right? Now, Philo, from the shore, you see Winnie the Bood just staring at his hands and claws roaring. And in his mind,

it's definitely a bear roar. But in real life, it's like, roar. We're a bear. And you see Lady Godwin staring at her hands. My hands are huge, right?

Like, they look so much bigger than they should be. These are massive hands. I use my alter self potion. Just what I thought you would do.

Predictable in your old age. So I look like I have Lady Godwin's head and I'm entirely covered in honey. Okay. Why? And I beckoned to them.

What are they put in your fresh squeeze lemonade, Mac? Honestly. So, I did touch up I touched up the spirit gum Take a break from Huffing Spirit gum You have the head

Of Lady Godwin Right On a sticky body And is it still Philo's body Coated in honey? But it doesn't make any sense What you're saying, man Trust me

My other plan worked Trust you, you were playing Zooks for a third of the game What What kind of skill Have you demonstrated? Dad, our, our That was a different season.

Yeah, yeah. Okay. All right. So Gandy Dancer looks down. Okay. So, wait, wait, wait, let me finish. Okay. I'm still altering myself. Yeah. And I don't think that's how alter self works. Don't worry about it. I don't think you can keep.

He's still in the middle of the VFX sequence. Oh, I didn't realize you were still regenerating that. My body is a wrap. So it's a raft with Lady Godwin's head covered in honey as I safely sail across the water. So you touch the water? Holy fucking shit, dude. In my rubber, my rubber raft. Your body touches the water, Milo, with all the knowledge you have now.

Wait, where are you? What? What's happening? No, no. Dude, it's funny. Sient raft with a human head? What's happening? Okay, so there's now Lady Gobwin, memory gone.

There's a bear. Doesn't matter beyond that because it's just a bear. Yes. And there's a raft with a head. Yes. And that's what they paid. And it's your head. Yeah.

It is your head. But some people got tickets to a football game today and you got tickets to this. You know what I mean? It's like, so. You're welcome. Okay. So. I go sailor.

You were just bumping into each other. Okay, all right. I have no action at this. We lost. We lose. No, wait. Wait, wait, wait, we do have one more thing. We have one more thing.

We have my hand. Yes. We have my hand. Your hand does not touch the water. My hand did not touch the water. Okay. What does it do? It pokes you in the eyeball.

Oh, what? Make a wisdom saving throw, Lady Godwin, as you take one point of damage. One point of poking damage. Okay, wisdom savings throw. 14. That's got to be enough, right? Yeah.

I had to check my notes real quick. 14 is enough. Lady Godwin, the fog starts to clear from your mind. Your lady Godwin, a society lady with a barbarian body. This is, wait, is that your head on a raft? The fuck? Which way? Now, okay, have I broken the thrall or do I need to get out of the water?

For right now, you have broken the thrall. Okay, I got to hop on top of raft me. I have to get on top of raft me to protect me from the water. Okay, you're going to do that one way or the other, but I would like you to make an acrobatics check to see how you board raft you. What a fucking sentence. Table, table, table, big camera roll. This is a big camera.

roll. Yeah. Oh yeah. This is huge. Surf the vibe. Seven. Seven. Plus two. Yeah. Plus two. Yeah. Plus two. Plus what? Plus two. Yeah. You, you spin in the air. You land in a full blown black widow superhero pose as water flings from your hair. Oh, we got to see that. What the fuck do you think is about to happen? What are you just talking about? I want to see just It's a new black widow pose. Everybody, don't listen.

Clint, can I talk to you over here for a second? Yeah. Don't physically get up. You know Justin, right? Yeah. He's not going to back flip on TV. You know what he's physically capable. You know, yesterday I had to end a rented scooter ride because I got a bloody nose.

Like, what the fuck are you talking about do a black widow flip? Like, eat my entire dingus, dude. Shut up. A father will always believe. Thank you for believing in me. You land looking so cool on that raft. You are free from the water's thrall. But your companions are still locked in.

What do you do? Okay, I slap my raft face. I slap my raft face. That's one of my favorite new iPhone apps. My rap face. I slap my rap face. Wake up, sweetheart. Time to float.

Make an attack roll against your raft face. Or you can really slap dad's nose off. Nice. 14. Plus 6. 20. Yeah, you slap him real good. You're able to control the amount of damage he takes with a hit that good.

He takes one point of damage and Philo snaps out of it. You are very confused as to your current form, but you're aware. Hmm. For now. Ow. I cast. The audience holds their breath. When they realize you didn't have something ready,

you just said, I cast, and then started looking at your spells. Okay. As he opens his mouth, I grab a length of leather and put it into his mouth and begin to steer the raft with both pieces of leather. Oh, that's good. Okay.

That's really good. He can't talk or do any spells, okay? Wait, wait. I'm steering towards Winnie the Pooh. Okay, give me a dexterity check. Here, Dad, say ah. Right down, thank you. Okay.

A DC 12 to steer into Winnie the Pooh. I'm going to move towards, I'm moving towards the honey boat. I hope to- Stop a bitch. That's an absolute solid one. Yeah, you knock Winnie the Boone off his feet. He goes under the water. Totally disoriented.

upside down, you see the bubbles going and going and start to dwindle. And then I pop back up because I'm not, I have no respiratory You're under the raft. Yeah, but I don't breathe in the traditional manner. It's soaking it. Oh no. I just want to say that feels really weird on my tum-tum.

Yeah, I bet. That feels really weird on my tum-tum. I say we're in a bit of a tight spot. Now, Winnie. Yeah. As your vision starts to darken, you take two points of damage. Cool. And you have a brief window where you are fully aware.

Okay. Back to yourself. Sure. Trapped under this boat. No problem. You're trying to take a single action. Okay. I am going to cast a spell, and the name of the spell is called Tidal Wave.

The area can be 30 feet long, up to 10 feet wide. This is a piece of shit brook, so it's definitely, definitely bigger than that. and 10 feet tall. We're going to make a dexterity saving throw as a family. Nothing brings the family closer together. Yeah. It's going to move us 30 feet. So I would like to sort of just sort of move us out of that.

Do you all choose to fail the role? I fucking hope not because we're going to take 48 points of bludgeoning damage if we do. I know we want to go with. We're working with the way. We'll move with the wave no matter what. Okay, great. Everybody make a dexterity. saving throw to work with the wave.

That's another fucking crit. Another Nat 20. Hey, before the other two reveal their numbers, Winnie, you've full-blown like Jack Sparrow into the dock. Yeah, yeah. Like one foot up on the Lady Godwin raft head. Yeah, yeah.

Like, Captain Morgan. No, you're back to yourself. Yeah, no, but I... He's just happy. Something's on my... You've reached deep into the animal spirit. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, you connected with your roots.

I roll a 14. I don't know. What's the save? I mean, it is a 14, actually. Yeah, it beats it. Yeah, cool. Er, er. Eight.

Okay, dad is going to take 48. So that's going to be... And that's yours. Four, five. It's yours forever. So 17 points of bludgeoning damage. Sorry, Dad. Oh my gosh.

He's just a little puppet. Now, down, when do you? Does the potion end? As soon as I cross this... No, I want you to tell me what it says in the description. How long are you a Lady Gawain-headed raft? He's got to give himself 17 points of damage first. Okay, so the potion lasts.

It's approximately one surfing ride. Okay, yeah, it's concentration. You can end it when you want to. Oh, thank God. Unfortunately, in this tidal wave, your nose is ripped off. No! It is glued on to me. Dad, the dice tell a story. I have to do it.

The dice tell a story. Dad, the dice tell a story. Dad. No. Dad. Hey, okay. Dad, listen. Brennan would do it.

Let Justin rip that nose. It's glued onto his face. I don't actually want to hurt our father. It's actually funnier if Dad does it to him. himself. Well, let me... Oh, yes. That's where the 17

points of damage came from. You are so relieved right now. You're happier than you've ever been. You're thrilled. One last huff for the road. One last huff. One last huff to finish. Here are gold.

Let's play this damn game. You enter a chamber divided by yet another river. Jesus Christ alive. This one is quite different. Okay. Around the top of the chamber, three waterfalls magically pour water from thin air feeding the river. One waterfall is sickly green, one dark red, and one an ethereal blue. A wide stone bridge connects one side of the room to the other. On the side of the bridge opposite you is a large silver gateway, which stands open. A sign above in golden letters reads, the Elysian fields.

and leads to a high-ceiling tunnel. At the other end, you can see small slivers of a beautiful paradise, but it's hard to make out because of a large shadow blocking your view. As you consider this, a pair of glowing red eyes opens on the shadow. Then two more identical pairs of eyes

appear on either side. Suddenly, the shadow charges you and is instantly upon you. Before you can react, you are beset by a barrage of huge puppy kids. kisses. Aww. Oh.

Surbarus, now completely visible, is a three-headed chocolate Labrador retriever the size of a four-story building. He bounces around, clearly excited to see you. His exuberant kisses nearly knock you off your feet and heal you to complete health. What a great three-headed dog. I approach the neck. Wait, let me heal first. Let me heal first. No, I'm just kidding.

From behind him, you hear a firm, but kind voice command. Cerberus, leave it, leave it. The dog backs off slightly, tongues hanging out, and massive tail waving. A handsome man in a crisp white dinner jacket enters from behind the dog. Sorry about that. Cerberus gets pretty excited when guests arrive. Where are my manners? I'm Hades, God of the dead and of riches, and you are,

and then he spies Lady Godwin. Elizabeth Godwin! Back so soon! Yeah, I just can't get enough. What can I say? A clipboard materializes it in his hands, and he scans it quickly. I wasn't expecting you today. Another monster-related automobile accident?

No, just checking in this time, dear. Unfortunately, it's another just a... Hello, quick back on the cheek, and then off I go. Wait! Are you three still alive? passing through. Technically, I've never been alive. I'm a teddy bear that got brought to life by a boy's love.

Okay, hold on. He's a real bean freaker. You get used to it. You have sentience. Do you feel pain? Not in the traditional sense, but emotionally, yes, more than most. That does count you are technically alive. I'm just a little wooden boy. I can see your soul and I know that's not true.

Shit. What brings you three here today? We ran afoul of Hercules accidentally. Hey, and he looks over his shoulder and whispers to you, more like Jercules, am I right? Oh my God. Don't tell anybody I said that, please. Please, if Zeus hears that I said that kind of thing about it,

he's going to get so mad, he's surreal. And he looks over his shoulder, dick. You didn't have a good pun for Zeus, huh? No, that's how scared I am of him. I don't spend time thinking about insults like I do, and he looks over his shoulder at Jercules. Well, we came here because we've got to finish a quest for Hercules, or else he'll kill us, I forgot.

But we've come, we have to capture your dog. But that seems bad now that we're being. Superas? Yes, but you see. Russ? Rubber double? My boy? Yes. No, like we get it now because you seem super chill.

So maybe there's another way that we can... I don't know. Honestly, I'm very torn. I try to stay out of Zeus's business. And the last time, oh my God, was Hercules? Jerkid. Yes. The last time I tried to tell Zeus like, hey, maybe he'd do a better job being a dad. He got so mad at me and said like, oh, you think you're better than me.

Bub, blah, blah, he hid me with the lightning bolt in my butt hole. It's a thing he's done since we were little. He's my brother and he's a real dick. But the thing is, he hates when people think they're better than him. It's a huge trigger for him and he threw a lightning bolt on my butthole. Maybe you could help us to fight Hercules. Did you just hear the whole thing I said about the lightning bolt in the butthole? Do you know, hey, imagine lightning boat in the but hole.

Picture it how much it, let's be honest, stings. I'm not asking for anything direct. I'm asking for a little indirect assistance. I just, you have a lot of people down here that could be very useful to us, and maybe you just loan us one. We just let us borrow a dozen murderers. You got a whole river full of them.

You know, you've given me a lot, and then lightning and thunder strike the ground. Herculees arrives. Ha ha, my plan has come to fruition. Pretty big word, huh? It's funny because the apple was also a fruit. Get it? And he marks off on a sheet of paper

where he's written all of that down. Sorry, Hercules, can I ask a question before you ruin us? Yes. I hope this isn't impertinent, but did you make your buckles? Yes, I 3D printed them. Why do you ask?

Okay, while he's distracted talking about 3D printing them, I hit him in the face with my axe. Okay. It is also important to note, before we do that, when the lightning and thunder hit, Cerberus became very scared, whimpering, crying, scared of the storm, and he ran off and hid in the corner of the room,

roll to make an attack with Jennifer Myers, your axe. Yes, thank you. With advantage, because he was distracted, talking about his 3D printing. They are beautiful buckles, Travis. Thank you very much. I wanted to give you a chance to show off, Trapp. Well, I did that, and I made my little gladiator skirt.

Yeah, yeah. My leather work. This is all DIY. And calling it a gladiator skirt made my daughter's giggle. Yeah. Do you say twirl? I'm not a monkey who dances to you. But I will.

That said, 18, 12 plus 6, 18. Christ, I hope that hits. Let me see here. Uh-oh. Yes, that hits. Uh, but only seven damage. Is that enough to kill Hercules?

No, everybody roll initiative. Seven for me. Oh, damn. Uh, 21. You found it? You got it. 16 for hell, Grimmett. Very good.

Okay, let's pull up that battle map. Nice. All three of you have before you a battle map at a pencil so you can keep track. As you can see, we see a fiery waterfall, a weird green waterfall, a blue ethereal waterfall, the Elysian field gates. You're a large, quite wide bridge. Hercules on one side, Cerberus and Hades, as he comforted Cerberus up in the far corner. and Griffin. Yeah.

Winnie the Boo, you are at first. I toddle over to Cerberus. I would like to cast speak with animals again, unless it's still working from the last time. It works for 10 minutes, so no. Yes. Did you, I don't want praise or anything, but notice how quickly I found the casting time of the spell.

It was freaky fast. Hey, Griffin, you get an extra boon. Yeah. Woo! You haven't used your first one, but there's the second one. Yeah. We haven't forgotten about them. It's just that there hasn't been a high-stakes-enough challenge to require. But now I've got that. Yeah, a flaming river of blood is boring.

I got across that so easy. Um, hey there, Cerberus. Um, what? What? Awesome. Um, listen, I, I can tell that you're kind of freaked out. You don't got to be scared. We can- be-big light, loud sound. So scary. Oh, no, that's just lightning. It's a natural weather for now. Oh, oh. Oh, I give a little scratch under the chin. I guess, hold on. Don't leave me out, bro. I'll use the top of my head to get the other chin and just kind of, just trying to calm down a little bit.

Make an animal handling check for me? Yeah, I logically should be pretty good at that. Wow. Yeah, no, that's a plus six. Let's see, here we go. Six plus six, a 12. I would say one of the head starts to lift up. with their chin feel a little braver.

But the other two are still cowering. Okay. Well, listen, I don't want to spend another turn of combat on this. Can you rally the other two heads for me? And Hades says, yeah, we'll definitely work on it. Wait, you could have done this the whole time? But this helps. All right.

Can I, to finish out my move action, I would like to hide. Maybe behind Cerberus before StoryTol. I want to hide myself from Hercules's side. A hero, a hero. All right. So you hide behind Cerberus. Yeah. I just want to hide from her.

I don't want Hercules to be able to see me for my next great idea. Yeah. Great. Thank you. Up next is Hercules. Looking around, where the fuck did Winnie the Puggo? That man is a shadow wrapped in a. mystery.

So he is instead going to target Lady Godwin, who seems to be the biggest threat. He holds up his hand and a lightning bolt appears in his hand. And he's going, Jesus. That one scared me actually. Was this because I made fun of the booms out for that one? I'm sorry. Guys, I wasn't even planning that. Yeah, sure. Wow. He hurls that lightning at you

and does a 20 hit your ace? Just barely. Just got me, O'Dell. Just got it. You are going to take who. Hold on. I don't have enough D6s. All right.

Seven. Oh, fuck. 13. Shit, man. 17 points of damage. Okay. Ow. As you are struck by lightning.

I mean, yeah, fair. Not in the butt. And for a bonus action, he flexes. Great. Up next, it is Philo. Philo, what do you do? Philo cast tinkering. Tangering.

Tinkering? Okay. That makes more sense. Embuing a non-magical... Why not indeed, voice in the shadows? Let me talk for once. I'm cook. imbue a tiny

non-magical item with a magical property of your choice. I am going to imbue your shoulder buckle that you worked so hard on with the odor of a dog's butthole. Travis, he can do that. That's the loss of magic.

That's part of magical tinkering. I'm going to allow it because I know how familiar dad is with the scent of a dog's butthole. He loves that shit. I love that Al Pacino movie. Whia! Hello, a dog's butthole.

Hell that butthole. A dog is sick. Somebody call a veterinarian. Whoa. Whoa. Okay. And, you know, you did clean dog anus glands for a living.

For two weeks before I quit, because I wouldn't do it. Yeah. fired. Yeah. Which is like quitting. Yeah. involuntarily. Yeah. An involuntary quitting. Okay. All right. Okay. It works. It happens. Give me a

D20 to see how effective. I assume you're trying to draw Cerberus to him, right? Yeah. And it makes me sad that I understand your logic. Yeah. Let's see. Two. I'm going to use my advantage. Yeah. Cause it has to be better

We have thrown, Travis, We have thrown and caught an apple Back and forth to each other two times in a row. Don't draw attention to it. Make it seem like a thing we do all the time. Four better. Four better. Okay, with a six,

the second head starts to perk up a little bit more. That's the nasty head. The nasty head, what loves buttholes. So there is, definitely some movement there, maybe not as much as if you had gotten, say, at 12. Yeah. But. And as my bonus action.

Okay. I'm going to very carefully take one of my vial bottles, the one that was emptied when, no, that was broken. Yeah, you smashed it on her face. I take a different one of my vial bottles and very carefully dip it into the, uh, the river of forgetfulness. Ooh. Excellent. And you...

Cork it off. I cork it off. Give me a wisdom saving throw. But with advantage because you know what's coming this time. You're ready for it. You're trying to dip in and out of there. I would say that would be more of a slight of hand, wouldn't it? Don't you think it'd be more of a slight of hand?

Because I'm... Is that what you're better at? I hope to God I am. Yeah, he's pretty good at slide of hand. Yeah, I'm better at slide of hand. Okay, then yeah. Here we go, baby. I'm doing my best up here.

14. Yeah, with a 14, with advantage? With advantage, hit it again, Mac. Okay. Whoa, your iPad just made a sound. Okay, they do do that. Thank you so much. Is that the real Hergillies out there?

Yeah, 14. We'll stick with 14. Okay, yeah, with a. 14 year though, blah, blah. And you get a pretty good, I would say about half a viosworth of the river Leithy, which isn't how it should be pronounced,

but is how it's pronounced. Yeah, all right, man. More or less. Sorry, Griffin, what? Send your complaints to the ancient Greeks. I don't know. But you get about a half of Viosworth of that. Lady Godwin, you are up.

Hades, I know how you feel about Hercules. But if you don't help me, you're going to have Hera angry at you, and I know you don't want that. Now, please, let me borrow a Dracula. Let you borrow what? Let me borrow a Dracula. I know I've sent dozens of them down here. You must have at least one Dracula kicking around that I can borrow. Now, I am asking.

Are you going to spin your apple on this? I am, yes, I am asking with advance. Hit me. Jinks. It's okay. It works. I'm so proud. It's an audio podcast.

History will show. They don't know. Now we're going to need a camera for throws. It's farther away now. Through Griffin's misdeeds, it's now offstage. Griffin messed it up. Anyway, let me borrow a Dracula. All right.

Listen. I am more afraid of Harry. than I am of Zeus or Hercules, you can have one Dracula. But he has to come back when he's done. I just want him for like a turn. And you'll lock him? Yes.

And you'll clean up after him? As long as it's reasonable. Okay. Hello. Lady God, which is I. A Dracula. That's his first initial. It's Karen.

Now, roll a D-20 for. me and we're gonna see how good this Dracula is. Box it. This could be one of the fucked up Dracula's, man. You get advantage on this since you used one of the apples. 10? Really? That was 17. No. No. Funny Dracula.

14. Yes. I'm a pretty good dragon. What do you need, baby? Oh, no, he's sexist Dracula. Shit. I'm sexist Dracula. What does a sweet bird like you need? Hey, chicky, baby? Go beat that other hunk's ass. You got it, babe.

Yeah, that's really good, man. It's fun to do. Yeah, sexist Dracula is actually a pretty killer character now. That's a good Dracula. I remember killing that Dracula. It was a lot of fun. I think there were several men with you when you did it. All right.

Hey, sex is attractive. I'm going to accidentally kill him again. He's got to act back. All right. He attacks Hercules. Yeah. You see Hercules go flying back. That is actually canonically the sexist Dracula.

Yeah. I had no idea that Count Chocula was canonically sexist. Really sexy. But it tracks. Yeah. It tracks. It traculas. Yeah.

He hits Hercules. Hercules go flying back into Griffin. Roll a D4 for me. Or Justin, roll a D4 for me. And let me know what you get. Two. A two. He goes flying into the river of flaming blood.

Awesome. And he is going to take. Yep. He's going to take 22 points of damage. Nice. Well, Dracula, that's all I have for you. That's it? Thank you.

You're done. But we could hang out, maybe go see a movie you're nice. If he lives to see my turn again, I'll do a different thing. Thank you. So I guess I just poof, and he turned to the dust. Thank you. And that is how we killed sexism. Sexism dies with him.

We did it. All right. He was the last one. We got it. Mission accomplished. It was all spread through me. Up next is, we're going. Winnie the Pooh.

Yeah, you got it. I'm still hidden from Dracula, right? Yeah. Cool. You don't actually need to be. It's Hercules. You're not hidden from Dracula, Dracula.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Yes, sorry. I'm still hidden from regular non-sex Hercules. Hey, you don't know that? Yeah, it's probably unlikely. More like Jercules. Yeah, sure.

I am going to use wild shape to turn into an animal. Now, I'm only level six, so I can't be an animal with a flight speed. so I would like to be a flightless just kind of hopping around but still super hot swan

You're gonna make him rolled So how hot he is? And Trav I'd like to be excused I've done quite a bit of podcasting for this evening And I think that's a series wrap on Justin McElroy What kind of saving throw do you want Hercules to make? I'll do anything man here take all my vantages

Whatever you need to save against us intelligence and wisdom are both minus one. Then one of those, probably intelligence to understand that his dad's not going to... He got a five minus one, a four. Great. And you hear him go, ooh, la, la. No. No, son.

Don't mind if I do. Do mind if you don't. It's me, daddy. The feelings I am having are confusing and not. where I thought this was going. Well, don't speak to so soon, sweet son of mine. I'm here to tell you I've imbued this lava murder river with a boon of my own. Guzzle it down and gain my power.

Sounds good to me, pop, pop. And he starts drinking the Flaming Blood River. Only on this podcast. You hear of Griffin roll a D20 for me to see how many seconds of Blood River he drinks. Oh, wow.

Nine. Nine. Wait. Oh. Why did I think I could do that? Come on, Griffster. Come on, Griffin, come on, baby.

Come on, baby. Come on, God. Fuck. 19. Fucking seconds. Okay, let me do some murder water. Let me do some quick math.

Eight times 19. That was. would be 152. Hercules dies. Yeah. Don't worry, guys. It's just me, Winnie the Pooh. Try not to jerk off too hard at my hot swan body.

How are you doing? Nope. I turn back into Winnie the Pooh immediately. Hey, Dad, can I take control with Philo for just a second? Yep. Fylo and Lady Godwin both drink the memory of racing potion. to forget the last five seconds. We got two straws.

I'll never forget. Oh, what were we doing? Where were we? As far as you know, no swan-related sex antics have ever taken place. Hades-Srantine goes, listen, I don't know how to say thank you.

This is amazing. Do you guys want to party in the Elysian fields for like a week for like a vacation? Do you have any penny squishing machines up in there? We have all the penny squishing machines you could dream of. And that's going to do it for us. Thank you so much. Thank you so much, Austin.

Thank you so much. Maximum Fun. A Worker Owned Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.