The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Moby Dick: Live in Chicago!

Episode Date: May 23, 2024

Mutt, Lady Godwin, and Brother Phileaux each have their reasons to take an interlude to hunt down the meanest creature in the ocean: Moby-Dick. The monster is definitely not a metaphor, but is a big psychic whale who lives up to his name by being kind of an asshole. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary It's beach season, bitches. Time to get sloppy, messy with some balloon orange margaritas and carve it up with my surf instructor, Tyler. You may wonder, Dracula, how can you carve up that sweet spray, but with your vulnerability to sunlight and fear of non-stagnant, bodies of water. First of, I got

the SPF 60,000. Second, I'm not afraid of water. Just the things dwelling within. Like plankton, which is basically like a hundred billion little bugs.

No, thanks. There's bigger fish to fear, too, of course. and none so big as the behem of himself. My! Dad, I appreciate the little marionette dance. Of course I do. I'm a human with two eyes and a heart.

But Pinocchio famously has no strings. Oh, that's how you want to start the show? That is Disney bounding over there, and you want to squish that minute one? Hi everybody, welcome to The Adventure Zone. It's our first time taking Taz versus Dracula out on the road in an interactive 4D experience. We're calling Taz versus Moby Dick, and we're so glad you could join us.

We hope you enjoy the sights, sounds, and smells of the Adventure Zone. You may get sprayed, you will get sprayed. If you look in the back of each chair, there's little holes, that's where the spray and the scent comes out. out of. We should maybe explain, if you haven't listened to Taz versus Dracula. It's our most recent season in which three lovable scamps try to murder Count Dracula, and it's also sort of a celebration of characters in the public domain. Let's introduce ourselves. We're starting on this. I'm Griffin McRoy. Actually, I'll start with me. I'm the DM. Hello. Travis.

I'm Travis McRoy, and I'll be playing. playing Crawford Muttner. You can call me Mutt. Everybody does. Thank you very much. I'm a monster hunter from a family of monster hunters. Not a lot of us left, if I'm being honest.

Just out here doing my best. Now, Dad, your appearance must be completely mystifying to people who haven't listened to this season. Hi, I'm Clint McElroy. I am playing the monk Brother Philo, who about three episodes in,

stupidly put a weird thing on his head and was transformed into Pinocchio. And Justin. Hi, my name is Justin McElroy. Thanks. In this arc, I play Lady Godwin, who was a very fancy lady who had death insurance with Dr. Frankenstein,

when she was exploded in a car, accident by the wolfman, and her whole body was really destroyed except for her head, and it got attached to a great big barbarian body. And that's Lady Godwin's whole thing. Yes, we're caught up. Time to weave. Thank you. Let the weaving commence. I have not read Moby Dick. So all of that prep work I did with Ishmael and Quig-Quig. Dad sent me a copy of Moby Dick. It's one of the great illustrated classics versions, which I do appreciate. And you couldn't even look at that.

No, I figured it would be best if I did. Oh, okay. And Griffin, out of solidarity, I've also never read Moby Dick. Thank you so much. I feel like, there's a really... Juice, what's your experience? I get it. It's... I get it. I feel like I've gotten the high... At this point, it would be... I feel like

the whole thing's been spoiled. Yeah, sure. You know what I mean? The reveal of it a whale. I have seen deep blue sea, which is in every way from what I understand, a better experience than moving. Yeah. The waters, the waters of the specific ocean churn maliciously off the

western coast of the ongrave peninsula, beckoning countless foolhardy sailors toward their wet demise. Did she write this with sad lips? The stinky raccoons ran up the groovy hill. It's not just the usual ocean stuff that kills them, neither. Narnly storms or pirate raids or norovirus outbreaks, you know. For what is true of the land of Ongrave is also true of the sea.

Here, Barbie monsters. But the three of you, on a brief hiatus from your shockingly successful quest to hunt down and kill count Dracula are after one monster in particular, the big fucking whale known as Moby Dick. This, okay, this most famous, most dummy thick leviathan is a legend, even among non-sailers, and though the specifics of that legend changed depending on the speaker, it carries with it three. Just depending on who has read it and who has thought. Three constant stone cold truths. One,

Moby Dick is a big whale with psychic powers. Most people forget about the psychic powers thing, but most people haven't read Moby Dick on account of it being so old and so, so boring. Two, his name is an accurate representation of his general temperament, which is to say he's... The musician Moby.

He loves Moby, the musician. He is an incredibly shitty. whale, mean-spirited and hateful beyond sympathy. Even the most green-hearted conservationists would be glad to see this big asshole put right in the ground. Three, most importantly, he is not a metaphor. Not for the hubris of man or anything all-brainy like that. He's just a big whale, mean and psychic. Everyone has their own reasons for wanting to kill Moby Dick. Look inside yourself. I think you'll find your reason.

I'm curious what your reasons are for wanting to kill Moby Dick, Mutt. Oh, yeah, man. So, as you know, I'm hunting Dracula, because I promised my brother on his deathbed that I would kill Dracula and turn his teeth into earrings. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I had another brother, and he was attacked by a Yeti. And on his deathbed, he asked me to get some ambergris from

movie digs Tommy and make it into a perfume. Okay. To give to his girlfriend. Okay. The animal byproduct, Amber Green, not the character from Taz Ethersea. Yeah. That would be a wild fucking crossover, man.

Yeah. Just look at us. That would be a wild trotsover. What about you, Lady Godwin? We'll skip Pinocchio from that. Well, can I talk to them about it? Like, could we do it, like, as our characters, talking about why we want to do it, or do you want me to just tell you Griffin?

I mean, why not both? Let's act. Time to act. You all are walking towards, okay, no, go ahead and have this conversation in the carriage ride towards Port City. Well, I'll tell you, if you promised not to make fun. Of course, man, yeah. I've been holding back.

Oh? Yes. I haven't punched something as hard. as I possibly can. Every time I've punched in you on so far, I have held back. It seemed rather rude, honestly, to use my full strength. How much you hold him back?

I don't know. That's what scares me. Oh. So, I want to punch something as hard as I can, and I feel like Moby Dick can handle it, and moreover, from what I've heard, he deserves it. He's a Moby. He's a real Moby. It's not the expression.

Hey, what about you, Pinocchio Man? the driver of the carriage yells from the front scene. Y'all don't mind I'm listening, do you? No, man. We love when people listen to us talking character. Right. Well, I'm not sure. It's some kind of compulsion.

Since I've been in this little wooden boy form, which sounds really bad. Yes. Every time you say it, and you say it like 10 times a day, man. At night, I have these dreams. I am going to get a new job. Now, I mean, now. Strange but beautiful dreams.

Who's hiring? I will do anything. I think nobody. Nobody, okay. But I'm inside some place dark and squishy. Oh, maybe deaf. And soft and warm. I'm going to go.

I could die. You know what? Hey, we're here. Hey. And I'm in there. Is this all right to drop you off here? Anywhere, just drop us off anywhere. It's fine.

Make sure you leave a five-star review. And I'm in there with my father. I need you to hop on out. My father is in there. I'm already outside the carriage. And a cricket. There's a cricket in there. All right.

And that's all I got. Cool, man. Your friends left. Oh. Do you want to come with me? I got some errands to run today. Yeah. Yeah.

All right, dog. He shuts and locks the door. Another bad character decision by brother Philo. Play it out. Do we see them leaving or? Wait, Philo, why are you going? No, let him go, man. He's got to do this on his own. Oh, wait. Sorry. I thought I was dreaming again and I was in there with my father in the cricket. No. Oh, I'm sorry.

Okay, you missed the boat, man. Bye! Carrie's driver, wait, Carrie's driver. Wait. Yeah. I have a holy duty. I have to go kill a deck. name Moby. Yeah. Yeah, I'm so tired of existing. Well, excuse me, if you want to have a pretty decent tip, then you need to let me out.

All right, everything you have said since you've gotten in this vehicle has sounded weird and suggested. I'm going to let you out, and then you're going to watch me drive away in this carriage, and once I cross over the horizon, I will cease to exist. As you should. All right, check you later. Bye.

The sea stink of Port City fills your... I left my watch. Did you not check the seat back? Damn! It's just sitting in the road 100 feet off over the horizon where he vanished. The sea stink of Port City fills your nostrils as if pumped up there with bellows.

A small, smoky town, caked in salt residue, fish guts, and sailor funk, its buildings lean towards... That's my favorite kind of music. Lean towards the water like a crowd of children during pool check. At its shore, ships of varying sizes bob in the foul, foamy waters, the largest of which is your destination. The Piquad, Wikipedia tells me,

is the name of the ship in the book. Stands proud and regal on the furthest pier. Its hull blemished with battle scars earned in naval combat with other lesser monster. The vessel is led by the grizzled Captain Ahab, but it is owned and sponsored by a former associate of yours, Lady Godwin, as the three of you stroll down the pier to the end of the Pequod's gangplank. You see him waiting for you at the top. Preston Chester, the richest man in all of On grave. He flashes a grin in your direction with enormous pearly white teeth, and he shouts, Lady Godwin, do my eyes deceive me, or have you had some serious work done, my darling? Preston, I would remind you my eyes are up here.

I am but a dog. What brings you to this foul, manly place? Well, most footages, actually, to run into you like this. We'll be taking our chances attending the great white white. whale that is, sounds metaphorical, but I mean quite literally, hunting a great white whale. Okay, before you go any further, please be discreet about what you're saying. But I do appreciate the fact you've came to the same realization that all us fabulously wealthy people come to, which is that the only joy in life worth a dam is destroying an animal

larger and more beautiful than yourself. Indeed. May I ask why you ask for discretion? I figured hunting Moby Dick would be something of a cottage industry by now. As soon as you say Moby Dick, you hear a voice from down the deck that shouts, Did somebody say Moby Dick? And you see a grizzled old man in a piquet with a great white bushy beard and an eye patch. A big bushy beard.

And an eye patch and also a hook for a hand, I think, because Moby Dick ate his original hand, steps up to the end of the gangplank. And now, now whenever he hears the ticking of the clock. He has a hook leg, maybe. Cool, yeah. You see Captain Ahab, who says, Arr.

Did somebody say, Moabee, dick? Well, if it's history's greatest pirate, Captain Ahab. Ar, how dare you? Sailors talk like this, too. Pirates didn't even talk like that. Hey, man. How's it going? Oh, sorry.

What's up? But nothing much, man. Hey, Moby Dick, that's a great idea. Let's all go hunt Moby Dick. He shouts, and all the crew is staring fucking daggers at you guys like. I don't. What's up? Preston Chester is like, we just got him off that Moby Dick thing.

We just got him off that. Did you get him? No, we didn't get him. You can't get Mooby Dick. He's a great big psychic whale. Captain Ahab's like, oh, I'll get him all right. I like this guy's vibe, man. He doesn't have a hook.

What's that? He doesn't have a hook. He actually does in this story. Okay, all right. Hey, Pinocchio, you're worried about accuracy of story? So, uh, thanks for the suggestion, and, uh, enjoy the amenities of Port City. Oh, no, man, wasn't a suggestion. We wanted to kill Moby Dick.

We'll just join you on your boat. You give you a little assistance? It's a little beat up, man. Well, that's cool for boats. Yeah, all the other boat guys come around. We have little shows and show off our cool blemishes on our boats. Listen, man, I ain't a nautical man. Yeah.

But I've heard the term ship shape before, and I don't think that that means beat up and barely floating. Well, a ship in harbor is safe. Uh-huh. But... Rising tides. A rising tide is a sailor's delight. So you fancy yourself whale slayers, do you? Do we?

I suppose. I... Yeah, man. The proper of us will be. Well, then, why not regale me the captain of this vessel with tales of your nautical exploits? Or I'll send you to Davy Jones. Locker.

One time we... We're on the ground. It'll take a while to get you there. We caught a big fish. It was this big. It's true. We didn't catch a gargantuan sea beast. Yeah.

And there was a fishman there and his volleyball wife. Yep. And we caught it with a scythe and a big rope. And what manner of ship were you riding? Friendship. He says, I suspect ye have no experience on a vessel, as big and proud as the Pequod. Am I right in assuming that? No, my friend's uncle's got a pontoon boat we go out on sometimes.

And I float. And my granddaughter will be on the Titanic. It's true exciting. Oh, yeah, man, all us ocean guys are so fucking stoked for the Titanic. I think it's a few times. It's a few dozen years. It's going to be quite a mall. A lot of my fellow sailors, they're like,

nah, man, that's not sailing. But I'm like, why gate keep? The specific ocean's big enough for all of us. Why lock keep? Yes, exactly. You see, a series of locks and dams are often used. Listen. Listen.

Yeah? This ain't no pleasure, pleasure cruise. Oh, the pressure cruise. It's a proud ship built for lonely men trying to fill the voids in our souls by killing animals bigger and more beautiful than ourselves. You all keep saying that. That ain't what it's about. Now, excuse me, that's not what killing Moby Dick's about. The other crew is now looking at you like, oh my God. One of the three things that everyone knows and agrees about in this world about Moby Dick is thus.

One, mean, and psychic? Yes, and quite large. But of course, the other thing, he's not metaphorical. No, he's extremely real. Got me hand, he did. No, I just like kill him because he's been wrecking a bunch of stuff and he's kind of a dick.

Yeah, we're just going to... Just let us on. Can I be honest with you for a moment? You're the only guy I know in this. In the whole Moby Dick thing? If we don't go on your boat, I don't know what we'll do. Because I only know about you.

And unless one of you around here is Ishmael, I'm out of options. Is one of you Ishmael? Down on the pier, you see a big, burly man with a fish for a head. Looks up at you and he says, Did someone say fish mail? I did not. Oh, man.

Now, hold on. Maybe I did. You'd call me that. Call you fish mail? Yes. I got him to say it. He's so nasty. That was good.

No, you can't come on me ship. You've never sailed a ship in your life. You're just a bunch of landlubbers. And everyone on the boat is like, and he's like, sorry, my granddaughter actually said, I'm not supposed to talk like that anymore. That was too far.

What does that mean? You love the land? You mean lover? Yeah, I do say it weird, don't I? Yeah, man. Lumber, lover, lover. Why do I say it that way? I don't know, man.

Lumber. Land lover. Lover. Lover. You're my. lubber. No, I can't do it. That's weird, man. Well,

Bon voyage, to me, and starts pulling up the anchor. Preston Chester leans over to the side of the ship and yells, Apologies, Lady Godwin, I'm sure you could find some ship to take you and your party on your merry way, why that ship across

the jetty there seems maybe more your style. What is, You gotta watch your nose. Dad's fucking nose just knocked over his microphone. No, it didn't. Oh, wait. Now, for those of you at home, that was a sight gag where

Dad's Pinocchio nose grew when he lied. It made it so good. I can't believe you made it that far into the show before deploying that. Amazing restraint. I was hoping they'll forget. Yeah, sure. And then by the second act, I'd do it again. Tell me about this other boat, Preston.

Oh, it's right there across. I'm still talking like Captain Ahab. That voice is really sticky. Really hard to get out of it. Why, it's that one across the jetty. He points to a ship on the opposite end of the pier. This ship is considerably smaller, not much more than a sloop, with rusted metal plating surrounding its hall,

and a tall smokestack of pumping steam up into the sky, sticking out of its deck. The Piquad pears off and... As boats do. Zero to 60, that boat. Preston Chester yells, I wish you luck on your voyage, but maybe leave this to Preston Chester,

the wealthiest man in all of Ongrave. Wait, you're hunting Moby Dick, too? Well, yeah, I explain. Unbelievable. I thought I explained that. Well, now we're getting too far. Why didn't we talk more about this when I was... Wait, Preston!

Preston! feel like we're in competition with them, but I also get the impression they've been trying to kill Moved Dick for a while now. Yes, but the two of them working simultaneously, the odds are against us. The pressure is on. The drama, unbelievable. Should we talk to this other ship? Yes, I suppose. You approach this other boat and are immediately struck by how small and kind of shitty it is. Two harpoon guns are mounted on the bow.

but other than that, it appears ill-suited for whale hunting, or, well, pretty much anything else, really. Ahoi! A hatch leading down into the lower deck pops up open as you shout, and from it leaps what you assume to be the ship's captain. He's wearing a pair of large gray shorts that appear to be several sizes too large for him, a pair of similarly comically large loafers,

and a tall stovepipe cap that cuts a suggestive silhouette between his two enormous ears, and he says, well, how are you there, everybody? Hey, man. Well, my name's Mickey Mouse. What is the life? Specifically and exclusively. The Mickey Mouse depicted in the 1928

animated short film Steamboat Willie, which only just recently entered the public domain. Okay, cool, man. I have no knowledge of any other depictions of myself throughout the history of cinema or literature. Okay. Okay. I am not acquainted with any ducks.

Okay. Or dogmen with silly names. Okay. Am I completely understood? Yep. All right then. Cool, man. We're trying to kill movie dick.

He doesn't even have gloves. He can't have gloves even. Yeah. Yeah. No, there's no gloves on this very specific, Mousy Mouse, who looks nervous to be here. Can we just call him? We'll call you Willie.

Would that be easier? Does he look nervous to exist? Yeah, he is, yeah, trembling as a mouse would do. He says, I hear you're on the hunt for Moby Dick, because you just said it to me. Yeah, trying to kill Moby Dick. Well, hot dog, so am I. Don't ask me. Hot dog, hot dog, I dig it to die.

I don't know that. I don't know that. Are there any copyright attorneys in the house tonight? We don't need to, Dad. I prepared so much for this. I can tell. We are fucking ironclad, baby. Okay.

All right, cool, man. Can you take us in your steamboat? Yeah, else? To kill Moby Dick? Why, sure. I've got my reasons, too, you know. What are they? Oh, they're a secret, you know.

Ha ha! I'd love to take you out to kill Moby Dick. I could use some crew to help. Help me on that journey, too. There's one problem, as you can probably tell, we're a little lacking in the whale-killing supply department. Fortunately, I know just where we can supply the goods. And he gestures back towards the pier where you see the big pile of crates and barrels

being loaded onto the Piquad by a handful of burly sailors. And he says, I'll get the steam engine running while you all go borrow some sundries. Okay. Don't get caught, though, because maritime law dictates that stealing. from other civilian vessels can be punished with execution by hanging. Or we could get another boat. Well, what do you mean? Well, I don't, certainly there's a better outfitted vehicle around here.

We want to steal supplies. We can just rent another boat. It's actually, you know, it's fucked up. Every other boat on this dock is booked. Just left. Because they're, no, the other boats are doing a big race. A regatta? A big regatta out at sea.

So as you say that, you see like 12 pretty kick-ass-looking boats, and the captains on them are like, sorry. You got a regatta. And they have whale lasers and everything. Yeah, man. All right, man, we'll go steal some shit. No, borrow. No steal, man.

All that food will bring back when we're done with it. As poop. I'm a little wooden boy. I know, but you wasn't always a wooden boy, right? So you remember how the human dodging. digestive system works? Yes, in the monastery, we didn't eat the lot of wood. Yeah, cool.

There's no toilet. On the boat? On the ship. The ocean's your toilet. Oh, I've never thought of it that way. You haven't poos? Well, gosh, I don't think I'm allowed to. So you didn't cover that in your research.

No, I guess not. Okay. I don't think there's a scene in Steamboat Willie. It's eight and a half minutes long. I don't think there's a scene where Mickey Mouse takes a shit. No, originally it was 10 minutes long. Okay, yeah. And the sensors are like,

there is 90 seconds of this, and you know which 90 seconds they're talking about that you have to cut. You all see this big pile of supplies that Mickey Mouse is gesturing to, which are being guarded, it seems like, by Fishmail.

And you see three crates in particular that catch your eye. There's a pretty big one furthest from him, closest to your ship on Castor Wheels. There's a smaller, much longer crate, so much closer to Fishmail. and there's a very small red box

inlaid with silvery trim, which Fishmail is basically standing immediately adjacent. Okay. Okay, I run into a flying drop kick at Fish Mile to knock him off the box. You just see my big boots like clomp in doubt? I think he doesn't even know what's happening.

Wait, are there other people around or just Fishmail? I mean... They're going to get out of my way, I bet. You watch. No, I'm just wondering, if we kill Fishmail, do we get away, Scott Free? Who's killing any of it? It's a drop kick, guys.

I'm not the Iron Sheik. They're not going to die from it. It's just a regular drop kick. I love that the last thing, Mickey Mouse said to you was don't get caught because you'll be hanged, and you're like, got it, got it, got it. All right, I'm going to give you,

I'll give you advantage on this attack. It's a surprise role, right? This is hugely surprising. Jump to drop kick. fish mail into the water. Okay, I rolled a 19. Fuck. Holy shit. Plus

six is 25. And he has advantage, right? So he could roll for a great. Let me try again. No, it's a 15. Yeah, with a 25, you are electing to move fish mail, right? Not to... With my feet, yes. Right, but not to... We're not rolling damage. This is a

move... Yeah, a relocation. Okay, easy. Yeah. He goes... flying. He's a big burly dude, but you really jumped pretty hard and kicked even harder. And now he's gone in the water. As that happens, you hear a voice from up on deck of the Piquad yell, man overboard. And soon sailors are starting to assemble at the top of the gangplank to investigate what has just fucking happened. Great. I run to the bottom of the gangplank because I haven't moved yet.

Okay. As a bonus action, I'm going to attack the gangplank. with Jennifer Myers to try to smash it. Okay. This is good. I'm just now remembering the ship was about to leave. They did have to come back because they left Fishmail behind. Yeah, there is a gangplank now and you attack it. Make an attack.

It's a two. Ow! Yow! It does that thing that sometimes when you hit a board that's suspended at two points, it just kind of bounces impotently and you feel like the biggest dip shit in the world? Mud just reaches down, lifts the board, pushes it into the water. Aab goes,

Arr, yes, that's a weakness with this mode of loading and unloading cargo. He's like, well, shit, that's a lot of supplies. Now we can't get to... Oh, wait, we have another board,

and he starts to load a new gangline in the place. Yeah, sure. I grabbed the silver inlaid one. Okay. Sounds nice. Easy, it's tiny. You pick it up, no problem. I take it back to the boat.

Yeah. Lady Godwin, Filo, what do you do? Filo runs forward and places himself also at the foot of the new gangplank. Cool. And said, Thank you for tithing, my friends, the 10% of your cargo. And then, and you just say it, and Ahab is like,

well, I'm deeply religious, so you got me on a technicality there. That's what I was hoping for. If that's really what you're fucking hoping for, I'm going to need a religion check. from you, I believe. All right. Let's see. Wait, you didn't have

a second move to that? No. No, Dad thinks and catchphrases first. Yeah. And actions second. Uh, okay. Which one? Just roll the dice with the number 20. I don't see it on here. Yeah, because

you're in the wrong place. You're playing flappy bird. All right. Here we go. Here we go. That's a good one. 13 plus. Let's say four.

Four. It is four. Let's say four? It is. It's a fucking game, man. Monk, religion, it's four. You're a cleric. Maybe it's five.

No, you're an artifice or Jesus Christ. It's gone off the rails. It's a five. Yeah, man. Nice a man. Nice one. All right. My man's back on track.

It's enough. He says, you know what? That little puppet boy is right. We are here today to kill Mobit. It's actually plus six, but... Oh, shit. Whoa! I don't want to mess with the Lord,

so we'll be on our merry way. He leaves you with the three pieces of cargo for free because he's a holy, devout man. All right, I'm going to help fish mail out of the water. Oh, he got pulled up into the ship. Didn't say that. It's easy because he's... fish, so he did a big jump.

All right, fine. They hooked him. They hooked him. It's very sad. I'll wave then. Do I see fish mail up there? I'm so sorry. Hey, I get it.

It's tough out here. You get the crates back to the ship inside of the largest. You find a cannon with ten cannon balls. Yes. We'll definitely keep track of how many cannon balls you have. They'll keep track of it, I bet, won't you all? Crate two. You'll probably forget.

about all 10 of them. Crate 2 contains a lot of throwing harpoons. So many, you probably couldn't even throw them all if you tried. Crate 3, the silver inlaid red crate you open up, it has an immovable rod inside of it. Okay. This is a incredible. So we have to leave that on the dock then, right? It's movable now that it is a small flat iron rod with a button on one end. As you press it, it becomes immovable. It can hold up to 8,000 pounds of wood. weight as it does so. How much is a whale weight? 7,900.

No, I don't know. So about a whale's worth of weight? About a whale's worth of weight. Okay. All right, you have loaded your ship up, and Mickey says, is there anything else before we hit those waters? We should probably go to the bathroom first, huh? That's right.

Thank you so much for remembering. Last boat I took out, we forgot. Ahead of time, and it was not good. What's the closest bathroom, Mickey? I'd love to get Mickey's personal suggestions on what toilets to use. I gotta tell you, I've never been off this boat before. Because if I do, all of a sudden I'm divorced from the context of this very specific interpretation of me.

Do you want us to bring you a bucket back or something? That would be, honestly, pretty huge for me. We bring things from reality. into, like, will they wink out of existence? Is the field emitted from you? Is it the boat? I mean, will it turn into like a bouncy cartoon-faced bucket? Bum-bump-bub-bub.

That would be worse or better. I don't want to decide for you. I'll be honest. You three are the first humans I've ever talked to before. So, well, one puppet that I'm... No, actually, I've talked to... No, wait, I haven't. Hoo, he fucking wipes his brow.

No, no, I've talked to a cat, a mouse, and a parrot. That's it, that's it, that's it, just a cat, a mouse, and a parrot. Woo! All right. We go to the bathroom. Okay. Do we need to roll for that? Yes. I got an 11.

What's that mean? You're the DM. You think you did a good job. I don't want to say mine. What did you get? I got a two, but you guys are going to. to do one of your jokes about it. What did you get, Brother Philo?

16. 16, all right. Great. You get back to the one, the one character who probably doesn't go to the bathroom. Yeah, there's no way. It's just sawdust. I said, Dad makes a log. It's little, it's like a Lincoln wall. I'm more thinking about our dad making sawdust and just, all right.

You get back to the ship. Hey, hey, it happened, okay? When you reach a certain age. Yeah, sure. Mickey says, you did a great job going to the bathroom, little man. You left your fly open, and you know what you've done. Here's your bucket. Wow!

We! No! Well? Check for hosts? No, this is a quality bucket. Not in the bucket. And me? Yeah, man.

He sets the bucket down and thinks for a second. I don't want to do this anymore. What if, Mickey? Mickey? I don't want to do it. I think we should have a special thing where you don't, I think we should have a special thing where you don't have to do it once a show. And I don't want to do it.

I've never checked. I'm going to go below deck. You know what I mean. He goes below deck. And it's important as he goes underneath the guy from before a beer. It's like, oh, this is where I went. This is where I was teleported to, non-existence. He comes back out four and a half hours later.

Sweating. And he takes the bucket, he throws it overboard. He says, it's too much. Too much responsibility. Oh, the pressure. The three of you, aboard Mickey. That's got to be the worst day that bucket has ever had, guaranteed. The three of you, aboard Mickey Mouse from Steamboat, Willie's trusty steamboat.

So I guess there's four of you, actually. Set sail into the unforgiving waters of the specific ocean. After a half hour of puttering over the waves, the shores of Port City disappear over the horizon, and sunlight, which you haven't seen since setting foot on the peninsula of ongrave, pierces through the clouds. Yeah, I imagine it takes a while for your eyes to adjust to the impact. I got sunglasses. No problem. As you sail out into the ocean, Mickey says, so, uh, what do we, what do we do? Kill Moby Dick.

No, yeah, like, for sure, for sure. You know I'm all about that. But like, what do we do, though? Because I've never hunted a whale before. Don't worry. I have a plan. Oh, excellent. First, let's go over there.

Mm. He fucking turns the ship 20 degrees and putters forward a little bit and stops. Now we wait. You know what we need, man. Whale bait. Oh. You got any whale bait? Well, gosh, what do whales like to eat?

Bunch of plankton. Yeah, plankton. You got any plankton? No. Let's check the barrel. of supplies. Certainly they thought to bring bait. Okay, you open up one of the barrels of supplies, and

you find just a big fistful of plankton. Just one big... I thought so. Yeah, sure. It's gross. I don't think they're supposed to be dry like this. They're all talking about crabby patties. In all her hunting expertise,

Lady Godwin gets a big handful of it and just chucks it off the side of the boat. Okay. Make a survival check, please, Lady Godwin, for this action. Here we go. Is it another two? No, it's worse. What could it be? Instantly, eight shark fins pop out of the water and begin encircling the steamboat Willie. Mickey says, I don't think that's them. Do sharks eat plankton? Because I don't understand why that just happened. I take the plankton back out. Because that's not what I wanted to

Make another survival check. Can we do, can we do an opposed? Ten? Can we do an opposed survival check? Yeah, you see Lady Godwin lean over the side of the boat like, oh, oh dear, start scooping up the plankton from the water. I got a tin. I also got a ten.

All right. Brother Philo, you want to get up in there? Four! You're fucking devoured by sharks. Why did you guys? I was trying to stop Lady Godwin. Yeah, I wasn't trying to avoid the sharks. You were trying to avoid the sharks.

You try to stop Lady Godwin. You don't do a very good job. Godwin, you see the biggest of these sharks peer its head over the surface of the water and open its mouth wide. Then it goes back down into the water. Okay, well, hey, everyone, remember how we talk

sort of half-kidding about swimming in the water? I think we shouldn't go in the water. And our problems are solved largely with the shark issue. Why didn't the shark bite you? Yeah, that's an excellent question. I've often wondered about my little mysteries. The shark pops back up.

Sorry, I was trying to... Do you want a lozenge? What's so bad? Oh, yeah, I flip a fisherman's friend over there. Okay. Oh, dear, thank you so much, my good man. Sorry, I was trying to create a bit of tension between hunter and prey. You understand how it is.

I assume you all are here to hunt me, mandible. The terrible shock. Oh, no, no, no, no. I hope this doesn't hurt your fans. We're here to kill Moby Dick. Yes, yes. Oh. No, we get high in.

No, no. No, please, please, I don't need that. I understand. Everyone wants Moby Dick these days. Now, hold on, mandibles. No, everyone forgot about mandibles. Oh. Now, mandibles.

Yes. What if you helped us kill Moby Dick? Oh. And then people would be like, oh, you know what's? battering Moby Dick, the shark what killed him? Imagine the shot that killed Moby Dick, what's in honor? Have you seen him, though? He's quite large.

Yes? He's like the size of like a thousand mandibleses. But that's how you're going to bobbing weave, man. He won't be able to catch you. I've seen that fool ate the crackin the other day. Do you understand? He ate an island once, I swear to God. But has he ever eaten a mandible?

You know, yes, many, many mandibles of many creatures. Yes. You know, to a bee, McCauley Colkin looks rather scary, but we saw that work out in my girl, didn't we? Sometimes the smaller foe does win out at the end. You think about that, man? You didn't, did you?

I just, I've never... Is Moby Dick allergic to you? I've never tried. It would be wild if a whale was allergic to anything. But, you know, now that I think about it, perhaps we should be more considerate of what we're feeding whales.

We don't know what sorts of intolerances. All right, man, we're getting there. I'm not worried about that. Oh, yes, I'm sorry. I'm going on and on again, wasting your time. Would you like us to attempt to kill you just for... Come on. Come on.

Okay. Yes. I punch him at 80% strength. Fucking, holy shit. Are you raging while you do so? Not yet. I've changed my mind. You know...

No, what did you get? Four. Four. Yeah, but I wanted it to be bad. Yeah, yeah. With a four, you punch him and he's like, that was a nothing burger. That actually makes me feel pretty good. Bonus action is a seven.

It's rather in consequence. Well, the first punch I kind of understood the reasoning behind. The second... Okay, wait, no, as long as they're doing it, I'm with a harpoon. Yeah, sure. I mean, everyone get up, handle the... I just, uh, six. Now, wait, hold on.

No, it glances off his side. Plus a nine, a 15. There's no universe in which you get a plus. fucking nine on throwing a harpoon at a shark. There's no universe. I can't allow it. I'm an archery ranger.

But are you a harpoon guy? What is an arrow? Do you think they walk up to archers at the Olympics? And they're like, you think you're hot shit. Imagine they hand Legolas a harpoon. Is Legolas going to be like, fuck yes. This is extremely my shit too.

No, but okay, counterpoint, is Lego's going to be like, I have no point of reference for this? Yeah. Probably. Okay, a 15. He's never seen the ocean. A 15. Wait, you don't fucking know that.

They only live in trees. On a 15, it grazes his side. And you see a little splurt of blood come out. And he's like, oh, stop. I don't like this. May I suggest something? Yeah, man. Yeah, I'll suggest something first.

Why don't you take that nose off? Go ahead. It's all right. Shit. No, no, don't take it off. No, you have to commit. Because if you take it off, you're just in Liederhausen. Yeah.

I think we should be friendlier to mandible. We started with that, man. No, we didn't really try. I think we should try harder to be chums. You hear immediately... Come on, give me some. Give me some. You immediately hear sirens.

And a tugboat with a bright yellow flashing siren on its roof approach as blowing a shrill whistle. and Mandibles goes, oh shit, it's the feds, and he dips down underwater and all the other sharks disappear too. As this tugboat approaches, Mickey shuts down the steam engine

and comes back up to the top deck and says, shit! Okay, play it cool. This boat is technically not mine. I borrowed it from my employer, Peg Leg Pete, the same way we borrowed those whaling supplies from the Piquad. I'm going to go back below deck

because I can't go back to jail. Let me know if you need my help, and he holds up a big bowie knife. Griffin, you are playing fast and loose, man. The tugboat pulls up next to the steamboat. You see a man emerge from the bridge, a portly fellow with a big red mustache. He waves at you, and he says,

Hi, man. Hey, permission to come aboard. What's your name? I suppose it. No, don't say yes, it's vampire rules. What's your name? You can identify whether I'm a vampire based on my name. I didn't say you're a vampire, says vampire rules, man.

I don't give you permission to come aboard. Okay, well, my name is Count Chomsalot, but I am not a vampire. I believe him. No, stop, man. I believe him. Based on what? I am a man who takes deep looks into the people's spirit. That's why you turned yourself into a puppet.

Wait. I'm actually a warden for the Department of... Fish and Wildlife. That doesn't stop you from being a vampire, ain't mutually exclusive. That's a fair point. Yeah, no, I haven't considered that, but it looks like you all are doing

some whale hunting today. Great weather for it. Yes? What's the point of shoe? Stop admitting to things. Have y'all never dealt with cost before? But it is a nice day, though. Well, I know.

We're just out here. Look at my head. No. Throwing her ponds into the water wheel and nilly. Stop turn, sure. Do you guys know where we can find any cool sea drugs? I can't wait to eat some of those to get high from it. Now, man, I'll tell you what happened.

Man, we saw the Piquad coming out here. They said we're going to kill some whales. They're licensed. They said that we watched them eat their license. Make a deception check. One of the more outrageous deception checks. Don't worry about it. What was it?

Think of the lowest number on a dice. What's going on over there, guys? You're not fighting Moby Dick yet, so it's good the rolls are happening now that stuck shit. He says, okay, now I'm going to need to see that license and the registration for the boat, please. I hold up my psychic paper. That's not anything. It's right there. We don't have that.

What do you mean you don't have that? It should be in the bridge there. Oh, okay. Let's go look, man. Do you want to come show me where you think it would be? Sure. Is there anyone else on the boat with you? Nope.

Okay, yeah, come on over. Come on. He hops onto the boat. He's a nice little boat. You got out here. A lot of charming character. He pulls out his wallet and opens and it up and just a bunch of pictures of his kids unfold. He's like, gosh, that's Little Bryson.

What's the life insurance policy they got there for them Game Mortons? No reason. I have a whole thing. hard time understanding your accent, friend. I was so just taken by, that's Bryson and Melissa. And do they love you? Oh, they love me a lot.

Great daddy is me. So, uh, anyway, that license and registration, if you don't mind. We don't have it. But, but, that's when you guys should jump in, like, oh yeah, here's a bunch of money.

Oh, would you like some money? two, so, oh, let me be more clear. Would you like some money so that we can go? Make a persuasion check, Lady Godwin. Don't worry to you, too, in my experience, this always works. He is a police officer, after all. He has our best intentions at half there. Okay.

So what role? Persuasion, please. Oh, yes. Oh, that's a 15. Okay, yeah, on a 15, he sees you holding your crossbow at him this whole time, and he's like, er. Well, I'm at it. I'm with him. He says, you know, uh, Bryson does need braces.

Yeah, he does. I wasn't going to say, man, when I looked at that picture, but damn. Yep. He also needs his daddy. Make an intimidation check, brother Philo. Huh. Hmm. Imagine a puppet said that to you.

That looks a lot more like a four than any number I have seen tonight. Jesus Christ. He says, that was nothing. But I will take the money. But if it was less money, I'd probably turn on you all right now. He pulls out a flare gun. And he's like, if this had gone a different way, I would have called down. I want that too.

What? I want that. Oh, yes. Oh, yeah. I will punch you for it, but I would like the gut, the flare gun, I want that. Look at my muscles.

I'm so much, I'm taking it from you, actually. I've just decided, I want that that you have for later. I want it for later. Give it to me now. Come on. Roll to take. Come on, come on, let's go. I've rolled a 16 plus five, give me that.

Good sweet. Glare gun. Add it to my gun taking score. I want this. Yep, this is yours. now and he hands it to you. And I want the picture of Bryson. Yes, give him the picture.

You can't have the pictures of my family. What's what I'm with you? I'm actually going to step in here and say, don't give him pictures of your son. No, no, no. How much money on the flare gun? No, no, no, nobody gets any bright ideas. Don't.

Listen, he's walking out with a picture of that man's son. No, no, no. Hey, man, we'll split the difference. Tear it up and throw it in the ocean. Yeah, yes, destroy the picture of your son. I don't want him to have it, but you don't get to have it either. I don't want you to get any big ideas about coming back around. Let the shark eat the picture of Bryson.

We're going to make a group intimidation check. We're going to take the middle number for this check. I rolled is the Bureau of Balance symbol. That's a 20. 20. Okay. I rolled at 15. Wait.

I rolled a 9. Okay. So it looks like the 15, anything you're adding to it. No, okay, 15. Yeah, that tracks. He's like, he's like, it's 18 something, the year,

and so it's going to be hard to get my hands on another one of these daguerreotypes. I love to hear more on your way back to the boat. All right. I step aside with him.

Would you rather he have it? No, it's going in the ocean. How much money are you giving me, by the way? Eight dollars. Oh, right. He takes the $8, gets on the tugboat, peels off.

Good luck out there. I mean, it would be cool if you didn't do the crime, but I got mine nut, so that's all that matters. Like I said, it always works. Exactly, yes. You all, after a long day and night of roaming across the specific ocean, awakened to find yourselves drifting in a dense fog.

Oh, I was waking up. Oh, okay, cool. Through this dense fog, you make out the silhouettes of odd shapes sticking out of the water, shapes that as you approach you realize to be the half-submerged wreckage of several dozen ships. They're arranged in a ring around a large, placid patch of water, at the center of which you see one ship, not submerged. It's the Piquad. Its sails are hoisted up, its anchor is down, and on its deck. You see little signs of movement. You do, however, hear screams coming from

the ship, the screams of Preston Chester, the richest man in Ongrave. You hear, Is anyone out there? Help me! It's getting more abstract. Man, it really sounded like there was another boat out there. Golly! These guys are going to kill Preston Chester! Go ahead. Go ahead. Here we are.

Oh, thank goodness. Is that you, puppet man? Yes, it is. And I'm all by myself. You were with Lady Godwin, the Appalachian Mountain Man, if they were he serves. It was just a gag so I could use my nose thing again. Oh, I understood. It's a great...

I'm going to be killed up here. By what? Sorry, I'm here too. I'm in terrible need of assistance. These damned sailors have succumbed to some sort of sea madness. And now appear to be doing... Tabin fever. No, not quite.

They're doing some sort of ritual sacrifice of me. Preston Chester, the richest man at all of Ivankbrain. Okay, fine. Oh, she's here too. I go down. and grab a harpoon and some rope. As you go down on the deck, you see Mickey Mouse still holding his knife, eyes, closed,

just trembling. Oh, no, man. Oh, my God, Mickey. I'm sorry, Mickey. Everything's cool. I'm so sorry. It's been a day and a night. You left me down here and what I call Gorilla Mode.

We thought you were pooping again. Sorry, everything's fine. Well, everything's not fine, but everything's fine. Cool flare gun. I grab a harpoon and a rope and tie the rope to the harpoon. Okay. And then I toss the harpoon over at the other boat.

I hate Preston, but his wife is the meanest person I've ever met in my actual life. And I do not want to get on a bad side, but letting a husband die. And I throw the harpoon into the other boat with the rope. Okay, make an attack roll against the Piquad. It's just a wood ship. pretty easy. Yeah, it's a four. Fountain bounces off and splashes in the water. A lot of fours. Let me try. Luckily, there's so

many harpoons here that I get another one. I got to create one. Jesus Christ. Please stop using your one-sided dice. 13 plus 518. Yes, successfully. It chunks onto the mast of the Piquad and forms

a little rope bridge that you are able to pull yourself probably closer to the ship so all of you don't have to slack line over the specific ocean. You are able to pull yourselves in towards the ladder that I've just decided is now also on the side of the Pequot. Is that L-A-T-E-R? No. Okay. You climb onto the deck and you see Preston Chester tied to the deck. You see also Ahab and Fishmail flanked by a pair of other sailors who I didn't bother to give names. They've got bandanas and striped sleeveless shirts on like some real sailors. They should have names.

They should have names. They should, but they just fucking don't back. They got Taylor and Kayla. Taylor and Kayla, yeah, good as any man. The reason for this gathering spot is clear, these screams are coming from Preston Chester tied to the mast.

He says, help me, please. Will you give us $8? What? No, nine. Make a persuasion check. Four. plus zero. He says, no, I'm not going to, oh, as he says it,

and one of the sailors walks up and stabs him a little bit. Oh, fuck, you're taking so long. Okay, man, sorry. I'm going to crossbow bolt one of the sailors' feet to the deck. Oh, cool, man. Make an attack roll against one of the sailors. That's 19 total. Oh, yeah, absolutely.

You get him good. You're just trying to pin him down, right? Correct. Okay, yeah. In fact, I miss his toes. I just get the toe of his shoe. Oh, that's good shit, Traff. It jabs into the toe of his shoe.

You see, his face doesn't even seem to react to what just happened, but you have stopped him. You also, give me a perception check, all of you, please. That's a three. That's a one. Guys, don't do that to me. Three plus seven. Ten. I mean, my passive perception is 17.

Oh, no, wait. You are not in the forest, though, right? No, but that's my natural thing, right? I don't have to be in the forest. Sure, man. Go ahead and roll again. I miss telling you guys things on account of good dice rolls. 21 total. Yeah, sure.

On a 21. You notice everyone on this ship, except for Preston Chester, appears to be kind of like standing kind of weird. They're kind of like holding themselves kind of in a strange way, almost at their limbs at sort of odd angles. Like this? Actually, yeah, now that you mention it,

Brother Philo, they do seem to be holding themselves. And are they walking like this? Like they got a poop real bad? Yeah, Mac. That's really good, yeah. I have no idea. Do you do that also? Does Philo do that?

Well, he's a puppet. No, I know, but does he do that in front of these other sailors and stuff? Yes. Okay. As you do that, they all begin to sort of wiggle in rhythm with you. I was so afraid they'd be offended. No, they're moving in perfect step with you.

And Preston Chester's like, what the fuck is going on? But Ahab and Fishmail and the other two sailors are grooving with you in this puppet manner, and they all look down at you inquisitively. And as that happens, a plume of water shoots upward from the sea. The surface of the ocean churns until, creeping upward from it, you see white. A shining dome of white blubber emerges, rising upward until taller than the deck of the Piquad,

revealing two small black eyes on either side of its bulbous hair. Doll's eyes. Like a doll's eyes of a huge fucking doll. It's so big, so big, you want to barf just looking at it. Easily triple the length of the Piquad, wide as a house. The eyes scour the deck of the ship before locking on you, Philo, and then the blowhole atop this behemoth quivers and begin spewing this brackish green fluid, and then a man shoots upward from the blowhole.

Landing on the whale's head, he appears to be somewhat advanced in age, wearing later hosen. His body is pocked with large clusters of barnacles, and he's wrapped in slimy ribbons of kelp, but he gets his footing on top of the whale, then looks it down at you, Philo, and shouts, My son, I know you'd return. Don't you recognize me? It's a me, Japano. We'll be right back after a short break.

In 1979, singer Mickey Matsubata cut Stay With Me, a love song that hit big in her home country of Japan. The song has almost half a billion plays on streaming apps. But Mickey Matsubata, didn't get to enjoy all that renewed interest. She died in 2004. In fact, she had burned all of her music, and she literally asked everyone she knew to forget her.

I'm Christian Duenas. I'm Yosuke Kitazawa. On our new podcast, Primer, we celebrate unforgettable music from outside the English-speaking world, starting with Japanese Citip. We'll cover Miki's work and others in conversation with Devendra Banhart, Umi, Dame Funk, and more. Get Primer on maximum fun.org,

or wherever you get your podcasts. I'm Emily Fleming. And I'm Jordan Morris. We're real comedy writers. And real friends. And real cheap skates. We say, why subscribe to expensive streaming services when you can stream tons of insane movies online for free?

Yeah, as long as you're fine with 25 randomly inserted super loud car insurance commercials. On our podcast, free with ads, we review streaming movies from the darkest corner of the internet's bargain bin. From the good to the weird to the holy. Look at Van Dam's big old butt. Free with ads. A free podcast about free movies that's worth the price of admission. Every Tuesday on maximum fun.org or your favorite podspot. We all also use the bathroom for the first time back there.

That's why it took so long. We're going to do announcements here at the top of the second act so we can walk off stage whenever anything funny or interesting happens. If on the off chance. If anything funny or interesting happens in a little while. At the end of the show, not the first time. to be able to look around a high note. If it's funny enough.

Yeah. First of all, thank you all so much for coming to this and Mbim Bam. This is our first show in like half a year, and it is, you all have been absolutely incredible. Yeah, thank you so much. Hey, Justin.

Justin, can you pull back your side of the table a little bit? I feel like there's like a section of the audience. I just realize we're going on. Not getting the full show. Hi, everybody. Hi. Hi. All right.

Thank you to the Riviera. I'll give you guys a few extra cheeses throughout the show, just to make up for whatever deficit of vitamin J you may be suffering from. Thank you to Paul and Amanda and Nate and our editor, Rachel, who is helping to run sound tonight. Rachel did a little bit of fact-checking for me backstage. She is very familiar with the work of Moby Dick. Wait, hold on, no, wait.

The work Moby Dick, not the work of. movie dick. I like his early stuff. We have an amazing poster for sale out in the lobby by Cynthia Sulars. It is gorgeous. We signed a bunch of them.

Act two begins after I have a sip of this sweet red wine. Okay. We need to get out all the Act One stuff. Get the Act One stuff out. Okay. Do you want some of my white call, make it a white wine? No. Okay. Thank you. And I think I need

to point out to somebody. One publication called it the drink of the summer. Did you know that? One style publication, the name of which escapes me. Readers Digest. Yeah. This slime-covered man, Geppetto, does a little dance as he peers down onto the deck of the Pequod.

Looking at all of you, he says, Pinocchio, when we were devoured all those years ago, and you escaped to find help, but then you didn't come back. Part of me was like, boy. My puppet son is really taking his sweet time saving his poor papa. But here you are. We are reunited. And it feels so good. Look, peaches.

He immediately stands up. His demeanor changes as you say that. He's listening. Is it the tone of voice that throws him or the fact that he called him or the peaches or the peaches and herb reference? Probably all of it. Okay. I admit, it may be a bit confusing that you look at me and see your son,

Panachio. Well, I guess I should say Pinocchio, since we went with schedule a couple of minutes ago. What? An insane, incredibly petty, too. Hey, you know, I'm starting to suspect you're not even the real, my son. No, I'm...

I am Pinocchio. But... Tell me something, only my son, Pinocchio would know. How to pronounce his name correctly. That would be a good sort, yes, mustache man. I... Sh! It's mutt for money, you call me what everybody does.

Absolutely. Sorry, I'm a little more interested in the... My Son drama happening right. Are the pirate guys just like... They're just frozen, like, in sync by-by-bye style. I shit sawdust. That, I mean... Only...

Yeah. My son has never had any kind of bowel movement whatsoever. Now, listen, I know that this seems bad, but it ain't bad, man. He's just in your son's body. He's fucking slorps. He's steering it. He fucking says, okay! And he slorps back down into the blowhole. Wait, which one of us did the weirdest thing?

And Moby Dick goes into charge. Roll for initiative. Bit of an overreaction, but... Okay. Holy shh. Look. What is it? You have to tell me. It's a four. It's another four. What the fuck's happening over there, man?

I got a 17-20. Total. 13 plus four. Oh, it's 17. Uh, Lady Godwin. That is a 12. 12, got it. Let's, let's begin. Did you hear me?

12. First in the order is Moby Dick. Uh, there is a character creature card for a sperm whale on D&D beyond. Big ups. You juiced it, though, right? You had to juice the stats. He immediately. splashes below the surface and then tackles with his giant sperm oil head, the hull of the Piquot.

Everybody, please make a dexterity saving throw. That, um, 19. 16 total. 16. 10. 10. The least funny number. Godwin and Mut, you both succeed.

You managed to keep your footing. several of the sailors aboard this ship do lose their footing a little bit, and you, Brother Fylo, you go flying because you're a little puppet man, you just barely catch yourself on the edge of the ship, on a tent. I'm not going to make you go sailing into the water, though. You land prone, though, on your little puppet belly. Then a big blubbery tail comes and smashes down on the deck where you are standing, brother Philo. That is...

Where he's proning. Where you are proning. That is a 25. Yeah, of course, that hits. And this whale's tail smashes down on you for 20 points of bludgeoning damage. Good night, everybody.

That doesn't one shot you, right? No. No, okay. But it's, I'm looking at your numbers. It ain't good. It ain't good. All right, next in the order is mut.

Moby Dick, you can see just a little bit of him towards the surface of the water, but he has submerged down and you're standing on the deck of the Piquad.

As Moby Dick moved into attack, the other sailors seemed to animate a little bit more. It is your turn. What do you do? Well, Griffin, yep.

I'm going to summon a beast. Summon a beast? Yeah. Okay. Is it going to be a pink sperm whale female? Travis.

We have beautiful makeup named Moby Jane. Moby Jane attempts to seduce. Cool, cool, cool, man. Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. A beastial spirit is a small beast. You're not supposed to look. So it's a really small pink whale? Yeah, but we use force perspective.

Moby Dick just thinks it's a regular-sized whale very far away. Make a Seduction roll Role play the scene Make a charisma check Please Well

Well sir That was a three This whale This whale This whale This whale exists For moments She looks up at you from the wall

from the waters where she splashes down and looks up at you confused like what am I even supposed and then Moby Dick just and the Beastile spirit is gone. Pretty good turn though I'll say. Now it tracks. That tracks.

Really moves the chains. Do you have any other actions you want to do? I assume that is your main action. Yeah. Do you have a bonus action? I do. What is it? I'm going to use Slayers Pray.

Okay. Oh no, I have to hit. That didn't happen. That's fine. All right, cool. Next in the order is Captain Ahab. He starts to puppet dance over towards you, Mut, seeing that you're doing something to Moby Dick

that he doesn't understand, but he knows he doesn't like it. And he is going to swing his hook down at you two times. The first time is A-23 versus A-C. Yeah. Second time is A-11 versus AC. No. Okay. He gets this hook right into your, this tendon, whatever that, your trap for six points of piercing damage.

Mm. And I flex it and hold them there. It's a trap. You think you're locked in here with you, with... No, never mind. The two nameless sailors, they draw... They're not nameless in real. life of the story. Apparently that was one of the lore accurate parts of Moby Dick. They pull out

two nasty looking knives. They come up to you, Lady Godwin. They're dirty. They're dirty blades. Okay. I get a rude, mean way. The first one, that is a 16 versus AC Lady Godwin. Yep. The second one is a 12 versus AC Lady Godwin. No, no. Okay, one of these hooks, One of these little tiny nasty knives gets you just a little bit for five points of damage. And you are up. Great. I am going to leap onto Moby Dick. I mean, why wouldn't you?

With a spear. Okay. A harpoon. You know, one of the infinite harpoons. Right. And two. Two. Two harpoon dive down.

Okay. For sure. I love this. You're going to take two opportunity attacks from these two sailors that did just engage you in combat to do this. Okay, well,

first I'll take my bonus attack. Okay. And kick Brother Philo down the boat. The one thing I noticed about them is that they seem very drawn to Brother Fylo. That's very interesting. Okay. So I'm thinking that I could use him

as a distraction with a gentle punt. Make an attack roll on our dad, please. A gentle attack roll on our dad. Watch this be the first good roll out of Lady Godwin tonight. It's 19 plus nothing because it was unarmed. And there you go. Sure. And you're not trying to hurt him, you're just moving him.

But with a 19, you kick him way far down the ship. like way far down the ship. All the way to the poop deck. Gross. Philo, you plan. And sawdust just goes everywhere. Fylo, you get caught up in the ship's wheel at the back of the ship. It spins around a couple of times,

but then it deposits you on your feet. This punt did seem to distract these two sailors. They turn their backs on you, and also you are no longer prone. That was the plan of it. It was perfect. Yeah. Okay, now I'm going to leap off the side of the boat with both harpoons and bury them into that stupid whale.

Awesome, yes. Fuck awesome, I just said. Let's get, first of all, an acrobatics or athletics check, depending on the... Athletics? Thank you. Okay. Let's get an athletics check to determine the success of this leap. That is A6 plus five.

Eleven, okay. No, six. Athletics is six, actually, 12. Okay, 12. That's very close to an 11. So the result will be similar. It's one higher. With a 12, you get just enough distance to position yourself just sort of at the base of its tail,

which if you think about it, a whale is just one long tail. So we'll say about halfway up the whale, not quite at the blowhole or eyes or face or any of the vulnerable whale. None of the good parts I'd want to hit with stuff. Except I'm in a very boring, unboring spot on the whale. Give me an attack roll. You're in the mid-west of the whale. Yeah, nothing's flashing red over I'm... You can't...

I live in Ohio, I can say that. Make two attack rolls with your two javelins, please. Oh, okay. I brought three. Okay, sorry. How are you holding the third one? Tows! Two in one hand. Yeah.

Okay. In his teeth. So we'll call this a javelin attack. Like in one piece. Here we go. 18. 18 hits. 18 plus,

yeah, that's it, 18. Okay, that's one attack. Make your other attack now. I won't do the penalty for dual. 13 plus 6. 19. That hits also. The other one was plus 6 as well.

Okay, roll damage. You successfully managed to bury both of these javelins right in this wails, the middle of its back. Two plus three, five, and two plus three, five. Okay, it reflexively rears its head, big bulbous head back upward, surfacing again as you slam these two javelins into its back. It's trying to buck you off, but you are able to hold on tight to these javelins.

About 20 feet up the whale is the blowhole, and just past that on either side of its big head are the eyes. That is your current position on the whale. Great. Next in the order is... You see Mickey Mouse poke up from the deck of the steamboat, and he's looking at the whale very nervously, and he's like, so is it, do you need, do you need any help? Yeah, cannonball him in the eyeball. Oh, oh, gosh, that seems awfully violent.

You wanted to kill him. I wanted to kill the other guy. Wait, not Moby Dick. Oh, that's right. my reason is so secret I forgot it myself okay he's gonna take a shot

at Moby Dick with one of the cannons that is a yeah that'll hit sure he blasts Moby Dick in one of the fucking eyes with a cannon ball no no no

can you do that line again but without the pronoun please what can you do that line again but without the pronoun Mickey Mouse blasts Moby Dick in the eyeball with a cannonball. And Moby Dick doesn't like it

even one little bit. He takes a number of damage. Next in the order is Philo. What happened to the cannonball, Gryphon? It blomp in the ocean and go away. It hurt him and blumped off him and go away? Into the ocean and go away, yeah. Okay.

That ball's gone. Nice try trying to fetch these balls so you can have infinite cannon balls. They're mad heavy. Travis is not a. It is Philo. Oh, I thought you were telling him. Just Travis.

No, no, no. Not to me. It's not my turn. He was narrowing it down. Philo drinks his potion of levitation, which allows him to fly. Yeah, man. Fuck yeah, sure. Which I made earlier.

Yeah, sure. Backstage. Out of his body. And. Which he secreted. Flies straight for the mouth of Moby Dick, who I assume after getting hit in the eye in the eye. I, no, blomped, is going, ow!

So his mouth's wide open. Okay. You. And Philo's going to, because Philo always seems to fly into fish mouths. That's true. That is something that Philo is known to do. You. One time.

Once. Make a, God, Jesus, acrobatics check maybe. Just to see. A bore check? No, we're not doing that. You're going to make it, you're a small puppet going into a big whale mouth, like you're going to get in there, but there needs to be some degree of success or failure to how you land in this gullet.

So give me an acrobatics check, please, as you fly. Here I come. It's a one. Wow, Dan. That's such a low number that you rolled. Dude, that's, hey, Mac, just for the future. Wait a minute. How could I roll one when I have plus one?

One plus one. No. We've been playing Dungeons and Dragons for ten literal years. One always. It's a shed-or-o-miss, so. You go flying into the mouth of this whale. Standing tall, just like fucking, here we, here I go. Believe it or not, I'm walking on air.

And as soon as you get, betwixt the gums, just shunk. The jaws close on you. You are going to take, well, you know what, I'll take a bite action here against you. Yeah, that's a 19 versus AC. Yeah, that just barely. It's got him. Shamps down on you for 11 points of bludgeoning damage.

How you doing over there, Philo? But you do land inside of the mouth. However, that's all that you land in. It closes its mouth. and you can see it's being pretty actually careful with you in there. Next, in the order, you, Philo, feel as though you are being moved by strings to all of your puppet joints. You are being attempted to be controlled by magic. I need you to make a wisdom saving throw for me, please.

I know. Oh, I know. Holy fucking shit. Dad just rolled a one minus one. I shit you not. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Hey, Dan.

Might be time to retire. Again. From outside of Moby Dick, on the deck of the Piquad, you all see the following. your little puppet friend, soars into the sky, whee, does a loop to loop into Moby Dick's mouth, chop gets closed on a few uncomfortable, quiet moments pass,

and then the blowhole expands and out shoots Brother Fylo from the blowhole. Now being suspended in the air by strings, you are moving involuntarily as you have been dominated, brother Fylo. Sexualy. Next in the order is Fish Mile. Fishmail is going to, I say his name differently every time, and I don't know why I apologize to Fishmail. And it keeps repeating to Griffin, this is what you call me.

I'm telling you, call me Fish Mile. Right, yes. Fishmail is going to attack with a harpoon, you, mutt, and that is a 17 versus AC. Yep. That hits. He jabs this. to your leather armor.

Oh, it's just a one plus two, three points of piercing damage. Okay. And we are back up to the top of the order. It's Moby Dick's turn. Yeah. Moby Dick is going to ram the Piquot again with his first attack.

And I need everybody still aboard to make dexterity saving throws, please. Not you. You're good, Philo. I'm good too, right, Griff? 19 total. 19 total. Why are you good?

Well, I'm not on the boat. I'm on Moby Dick. Oh, that's right. Yeah, no, you're Aces. You're fine. Actually, make a dexterity saving zone. Damn it. I didn't think, yeah, all right.

It'll be good, though, that's a 19 at least. Hey, with a 19 deck save, you actually flop forwards, and now you're even closer to that sweet blowhole. Great. Than you were moments before. What did you get, Mutt? 19. 19, you're good, too.

These are great. Can I flop closer to a little bit blow hole? Yeah, sure. It doesn't have to be Moby Dix. You flop a little bit closer to some blowhole. The tail, however... I'm closer to hooty in the blow hole. The tail, however, is going to come down towards you now.

Um, mutt, and it's going to... With a 19? Well, you succeeded on the... No, I'm not, it's 26, yeah. And it is going to smash down on you for 18 points of bludgeoning damage. Oh, bludgeoning? Yeah. Okay.

I keep hearing reactions from the... It's a whale. It's a big, big, big, big whale. The numbers on this thing are fucking outrageous. You haven't even seen the true extent of this whale's power yet. Mut, you're up. May I suggest doing something? I might jump in the blowhole.

This is fine. The role I'm going to require from you. to do a high dive off the deck of the Piquad into this blowhole, which is, I would say, just only man-sized on a good day. But with some elasticity. I think this is fine, but the failure of this role will be pretty bad,

I think, for your spine. Like, there's a lot of things, I feel like that could go pretty bad for my mind. I'm not saying don't do it, but just not. I'm going to do it. Okay, man. Curl your body off the deck of the Pequod. That is a 19 plus four.

That'll do it. You leap off the Pequod, leaving behind all the other sort of combat stuff that was happening on the ship. You now have all vacated. Lady Godwin, from your position, bearing two javelins in, holding on for dear life. and from your position, deep in the sunken place, but floating in the sky suspended by puppet strings, you see the glorious image of Mutt, Crawford Muttner diving through the sky,

like an arrow shot from God's own bow, downward into this awaiting hole, and you fucking just, you, the sound it makes, the sound it, like, whom, make a strength check. You've made it in. To do what? 19.

Oh. That's plus zero, so thank God. You feel the blowhole try to crush you as you go into it. But this is getting pretty... Not the first time. As you wriggle down the slower. I guess, can I be honest?

I'm trying to decide if I can say the word Wellisi out loud in front of as you go down this hole. I won't. say it at the second. I'm not going to risk fate. You make it down the blowhole and land like a cat inside of Moby Dick. You're not exactly sure where. It ain't the mouth because you don't see none of those big teeth anywhere. You are in a large cavity inside of him though and inside you see Jepetto. He seems to be connected by these green sort of veins or cords to Moby Dick. It seems to be sort of

of puppeteering him, as much as he is puppeteering everybody aboard the Pequot and your friend, Philo, floating in the sky. I'm going to say that that is much more than a move action. All right, nah, fuck it. What do you do

with your action action? My move was, I jumped in a blowhole. You talked a bunch. Not me. Good. A lot of description does not an action make. Thank you so much, John. Thank you. What do you do? Um, so he doesn't know, I land like a cat. Oh, he sees, no, I mean, he for sure sees you.

Oh, okay. If someone, if you were inside of a whale cavity and someone else got in there, like, he's a big whale. I don't know, Griffin. I have ADHD. If I'm watching something on my phone, I might not notice. This is actually a good point. Make a perception check as you land.

It is dark, isn't it? It's not. There's all kinds of bioluminescent algae. Algae. Algae. Uh, nine plus seven, 16. Oh, wow. First of all, you do see the pink whale who is looking at you like,

I thought it'd go better, man. What was the plan there? I thought he was going to seduce me, eh? You are subject to the judgmental stares of this pink whale. Fair enough. You hear a voice from behind you. You hear a voice say, Holy shit.

Is that Crawford Mottner? A man, Dracul! You turn around and see Dracula also inside of Moby Dixie Pellon. He has been... It's been too long, man. He has been bound to a rib by a bunch of kelp. Next to him on an adjacent rib, you see a surf bro, who is also tied up to the rib.

Dracula says, It's been a while. Yeah, man. This is my surf instructor. Tyler. What's up, Tyler? How's going, man? Not much, man.

How are you doing? Just living every day like it's my last, you know? Wow. That's kind of my whole thing, too. Namaste. What? Namaste.

We haven't gotten that yet. Okay. He's got a really cool outlook on a lot of stuff, though. Yeah, man, that's awesome. What are you doing here, Dracul? Well, I was in the middle of a pretty righteous surfing lesson

with my friend Tyler. Oh gosh, I hope it doesn't mind me. Wait, I'm just sorry, go ahead. Do I hear the voice of Lady Godwin from somewhere above us? Through the Wallozy, I hear her voice echoing downward. Yeah, man, we got walkie-talkies or whatever the fuck. So you are here to kill Moby-Dick.

Yeah, man, but it does seem like a good time to kill you too. Oh, that's not a very sporting, though, is it? Yeah, it's a good point, and I free him. Yeah. Now it's a good time to kill you. Please. Not in front of Tyler. Oh.

Okay, I'll give you this one for Tyler's sake. Sorry. Is that you? Yes. Sorry, is Tyler your friend or you're a surfing instructor? I feel like your boundaries. Could use some work? Yeah, which one came first, man?

Because if he was friend first, that's fine. If he was surfing instructor first, he might just be being nice because that's good business. Dracula looks at Tyler who takes a beat and kind of nods his head a little bit

and Dracula's like oh I seem to have I've misunderstood I've misunderstood I guess time for me I guess time for me to go

good luck No I don't know Hey man He turns into a bat And starts to fly away Stop stop stop stop Stop stop Come back here

I'm not saying You guys can't become friends But you got to get to know outside of being a surfing instructor. Tyler Nott's. That's what I've been saying, man. Yeah, man. Maybe killing Moby Dick together

would be the thing that brings you guys closer. Oh, Tyler couldn't kill Moby Dick. No way. He's fairly awake in the muscles department, but he's got a good heart and incredibly sturdy legs. Okay, man. I'm not saying him by himself. You guys together and me and Lady Godwin.

Oh, wow. puppet filo is being control right now, but all of us working together. Oh, by him? You look and see Chippetto just kind of waiting there. Yeah, sorry, man, one sec. Take your time. Okay. Yeah, man, but all of us working together could kill.

I think maybe Jepetto, too, is what it's looking like. He's just an old man covered in barnacles. Yeah, but that's for him and his doctor to discuss, man. That ain't for us to judge. Okay. So are we going to do this? or what? Yeah, bro.

Okay, start biting, man. Yep. He just starts biting every surface of the inside of the whale, then he can get his jaws off. Is this anything? We'll find out. On the next adventure zone.

Thank you. All right, we're going to say that freeing Dracula is certainly the action. We are going to move on. All the guys on the boat are just kind of fucking standing around with their spears in their hands. Ahab's like, are you sure you don't want to engage more with me in my, no, okay.

Godwin, you are up next. I'm going to use rope to repel down his face. Oh, okay. Yeah, I'm going to repel down the face of Moby Dick, like right in between its eyes. Cool, yeah, for sure. Make a, I mean, you've already got the javelin and it's back. You have an anchor point pretty nice. Correct.

Two, two. I'm going to say this is, if anything, a survival check to tie your nose. knot on. I'm not going to make you roll to slide down this slippery whale. I got an 18 plus zero. Hey, this is actually, I'll tell you, honestly, a very good knot. And you get that up on there, and you feel truly good about it this time.

Thank you. Great. All right. And I will start repelling down its face. Okay, you do that. Okay, good. You get down there right between the eyes. It crosses them to look at you And you're a... Is it...

Is it... Is it still moving? The whale? Yeah. Yeah, man, it'd be pretty fucked up if it was just... Motionless. Okay, so...

Hello? Do you understand me? Make an animal handling check. You gotta speak whale, man. You're looking at me like I'm the one making a weird choice right now. It's a nine. It's enough.

See? No. How do people know it's a dick? How are you? Why does everybody hate it so much? Because it eats them and their ships and smashes them all apart. Okay, well, unfortunately, I do have to

punch you as hard as I can. You hear a deep and guttural laughter from inside of this great sperm whale's belly. Really? So it does understand her. Yeah, he's a dick, guys. Okay. What part of this aren't you getting?

Okay. He's mean. Okay. He doesn't want your little jokes to work. Okay, good. I'm going to punch him in the face. Okay. Does he have a nose?

That's what the ballhole's for, right? The blowhole is, so he doesn't need a nose. He blows his nose, basically. Blows his nose. I'll just punch between the eyes as hard as I can. Ooh. All right. This better be not a four.

No, it's a 17 plus 6. 23. The full unfettered power. This is my full I'm punching as hard as I can, no? You roll damage. Okay.

Unless this isn't a hurting punch, this is more of a proving yourself punch. No, no, I'm punching it as hard as I can. Okay, cool. Now damn it, no damage is for an unarmed strike, it's just four. Right. I just roll four. It's just four. This is the extent of your power. It's four. Okay.

Sorry, Griffin. Those are the rules that Dungeons and Dragons. You see a quivering pass through the blublerous nose of this thing. Right. And that is the moment I activate the immovable rod. See, it's moving forward, right?

We've established that it has forward momentum. So when I punch it and activate the rod at that moment, it will continue to proceed through the rod because its weight its weight is exactly one pound less than the maximum for the immovable rod, which will, by my math, send the immovable rod careening through his brain.

And Justin, if I may, might it kind of look like this moving straight through his brain? Yeah, it's just like a kind of. So there you go. That's, now, everyone watched, this is as hard as I punch. Philo, you get the best view of what happens next.

Even if you can't necessarily react to it, You see Lady Gobwin reach back her gigantic arm and punch forward, and then you see the whale bifurcate and begin to slowly pass around her, splitting at the Godwin. You see this whale absolutely divide in half like a hot dog bun. and from inside of the cavity where you're standing mut with Dracula, sunlight immediately peers into the hole as this rift goes directly over its back.

You hear one last guttural roar from the whale as it goes, who, ho, ho, dead. Next in the order is Philo. Philo, you are floating in the sky above this scene. You can now see down into, as this whale has blossomed to open, the battleground inside where Geppetto is standing,

controlling this scene with puppet strings. He does look pretty upset as what has just happened. Everyone... Would you say confused? Probably a little bit confused as to what just happened. What can I do? I thought I was under his control. You are, you can roll to save from the condition

with a wisdom saving throw if you would like. Or roll to go deeper. Or roll to go. It's nice not to have to make choices, that's all I'm saying. Sure. Okay, so I know he's controlling my actions. Does that mean I can't do other actions? Yeah.

Well, have you ever been a father before? That's sort of the whole deal, isn't it, if you think about it? No? No, it's not, but... What do you want to do, though, Philo? You can roll to save from this action? I'm just... I guess that's the only thing I can do.

I will do that. I will roll for that. Okay, cool. What the hell? Is that a different dice? Don't use those. I've been using a 12. Okay, try the...

You're shitting. There's no fucking way. Justin, check to see if he has a 20-sided dice on that table right. He does have a D. He does have a deal. Okay. Wow. Doesn't make any difference.

It's a damn six. Better than a four. Better than a four. With a six, you are not able to regain control of your body. I actually, this is going to be kind of uncomfortable. I'm going to need you to attack Crawford Muttner for me. Wow. That's huge.

You can try. You feel the puppet strings tugging you downward. your body weightless as it flies thanks to this potion to, uh, take down your friend with all of the violence you have in your body. In your heart. Just not a lot. It's not a lot. He's not a big guy.

No. But you feel a command urging you to hurt mutt as hard as you possibly. Oh, so I, it's also the severity of the attack. Yes. Okay. Um, it's the worst thing you got. The worst thing I've got. I'll stall him to death.

He is going to cast Tasha's caustic brew at him. You didn't have to cast shit. No, I said I was very clear. He said I had to use the most powerful. What's that too, Clint? Well, it's a stream of acid emanating from you in a line 30 feet long five feet of cross. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

They have to succeed on a dexterity. Saving throw. You can't blah, blah, blah, blah, acid damage. It's acid burning your skin. It's not blah, blah, blah. Yeah. It hurts like shit. Okay, got it, yeah, all right.

And I need a 14 to save. Well, I roll this nine plus seven, a 16. Oh, what a relief. You blast your compatriot, or you attempt to. he manages to dive out of the way from the acid, and you actually get Moby Dick a little bit more with it. How do you feel? And you said it was like in a line,

so what if Jepetto was standing behind me? No, nice try. How do you feel, Philo? You are still conscious inside of this puppet body that you are no longer in control of. Is Van Helsing also in the behind? I think, I think, I think he is so out of his element

that I think he considers surrendering his psyche to Van Helsing. Yeah. Okay. You see the figure Van Helsing appear in front of you. He says, I will be honest, it will be difficult to agree to give it back to you, but if this is what you want...

Well, I tend to the accent, so... Okay. He... Yeah. As good as him. Yeah, it's better than me. It's like a switch is flipped, and you are all of a sudden in the sunken, sunken place,

way back there, and you feel him take over control of this body. He snaps down from the strings and rushes forward and swings your staff towards the belly of Geppetto. who reaches out his arms and says, my boy, as he doubles over in pain.

Hey, I just want to take a moment to recognize the hero, the one singular person that when Griffin said, Dad attacks Jepetto. One person in the crowd went, yay. And they must have a moment

afterward they're like, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Why did I just, yay, Jepetto getting attacked? He stands to his height of fullness, holding his belly, and he says,

wow, that's all it took. I'm just sort of an old puppet maker. I don't have a lot of... I shoot him with my crossbow. Okay. Roll and attack roll. On his dead. I was doing my death speech.

It was a four. Please. Continue emoting. I mean, to be fair, it was plus nine. Does it 13... You know, I changed my mind. Now I am actually going to... But my second attack was a 13 plus 9.

That one will do. He starts to fall backwards. But then he stops. He says, no, I must do this. I must... I must keep control. It's all I have. He begins to whip out strings again,

and then a beam of light from the heavens, shoots downward into his chest. Aliens. As it does, it's like you hear this deep resonant clicking noise from some unseen mechanism. And then he falls over dead. Cool.

All of you look around at the whale carnage you have caused. You see Ahab up on the deck of the Piquad going like, oh, damn it. Arr. Can we share credit for this? No. Fuck. You see also this beam of light

retract back into the sky and retreat down into its source. You see Steamboat Willey's Mickey Mouse is holding a key blade. The Adventure Zone has been part of the Kingdom Hearts universe this entire time. Thank you all so much. Good night.

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