The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone Versus Robin Hood: Live in Portland!

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

Former hero Robin Hood has been stealing from the rich-poor and giving back to the poor-rich, giving the new King of England a headache! King Mutt recruits Lady Godwin and Phileaux to stop him. With a new woodland guide to help them, can the monster hunters track down the secrets of Sherwood Forest?Additional Music in this Episode: '"Thatched Villagers" and "The Britons" by Kevin MacLeod: https://incompetech.com/.Center for Reproductive Rights: https://reproductiverights.org/ Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary Shh, quiet diary, I need to speak. Dear Diary, how are you? I am fine. Thank you for asking. Lord knows I'm no angel. I've committed a lot of crimes. Ah, I eat people. But the one thing I've never done is steal.

The worst crime there is. Not like that Robin Wood. That's one, one big jackoff. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Well, I should probably let you go. TTF in. Tata for now. Hi, everybody.

I don't want to talk about my tiny axe today. I wanted to get out in front of it when I bought it on Amazon to have it delivered here. It sure looked bigger in the pictures. Classically, I pay $30 for the one from God of War, but it is not a great axe as it only has one blade, so I want to get a great axe, and this is anything but great.

In fact, I'd say it's just... Seems like you want to talk about it a fucking lot, actually. No, I don't think any of us were going to bring it up. I learned from being Husky in middle school that if you say it first, the bullies won't pick on you. So let me just say, I have a little axe. Look at the size of my weapon. Yeah.

Dad, by the way, the first attack of the game has already happened. It was against my glass of wine, which Dad hit with his sword. And it was a crit, and I lost a lot of good wine on this table, which is, I know. It's tragic. Don't worry about it. I used my sweat rag already. Thank you so much. Hi, everybody.

Tonight we'll be playing Taz. Well, today, this afternoon, we'll be playing Taz versus, and I'm going to be your your dungeon master, Travis McClack. I'm sorry. Travis, I got to say, admirable Dracula. Thank you very much. I admire it.

It was really just my Boris voice that I used when I'm reading vampirina books to my kids. Yeah, sure. So that's your James Vanderbyke impression. Yeah. Nailed it. True. Look at us. If we could get through this part of the show

as quickly as is humanly possible. Yeah, you got it, you got it. My name is Justin McElroy. Thank you so much for having me. We didn't say our names. I said mine. I'm just a Macroy still. You can't change it.

It's immutable. Tonight I'll be portraying the role of Lady Godwin, who hates Dracula. But he's dead now. I am and forever will be Clint McElroy. And tonight I'll be playing the role of Brother Philo in the body of Pinocchio, Don't Ask. I'm Griffin McRoy. I usually run this fucking thing, but this time I'm going to be a different character. And the reason I'm so sweaty is because of the character.

It'll make sense in a little bit. And again, the faster we get to that, the happier I will be in the long run. Thanks. Let us weave. Yes, please weave, master, send me free. A non-canonical amount of time has passed since the end of Taz Dracula. And non-canonically, we find Lady Godwin doing what canonical action? Wait, it is a canonical?

Sorry, non-canon-oh, that was close. That would be so weird to do a canonical action and a non-canonical continuity. But this is the right crowd for it, right? You love that multiverse stuff. I think it's a temporal pinch or maneuver is what we're doing. Yeah, exactly. She is shopping for flowers.

Something she used to enjoy before all the adventure. She's been a little listless since killing Dracula, and she's just kind of bumming around town. There's not a lot of crime that you just run into. It's actually never happened to me just to McElroy. She just had a funny crime, so she wanted to shop for flowers. She used to like it, and it's

feeling her leaving a little cold. Is it flowers for a specific purpose or just to have them and decorate? It's to see the hot new flowers that people have cross-spread and create. You've got to stay at the cutting edge. We've got daisies too. The sequel to daisies.

Otherwise, the ladies at the cookie parties will like stunt on you, and they'll be like, did you see the new green posies? and you're like, oh man, they're crazy. They're like, there aren't any. You're still, you dummy. It's so hard being rich. It is.

It is. Lady Godwin, as you are perusing the latest and greatest in flower technology, you hear behind you the flapping of fairly large wings and a couple of like squawks and you turn around, I assume, and you see a raven in a little beef eater costume hopping up behind you. Oh, look at you, aren't you, the most precious thing? Hello. Oh, thank you very much. My name's Edgar. Oh, listen to you talk. That's fantastic.

Yeah, it's a gift from my king, Crawford Muttner. Everybody calls me Mutt. Oh. Yes, how is Mutt? Sorry, how is Mutt? Yes, thank you so much. I don't want to leave you an opening. How's the Smut these days?

I tried. Over in Camelot. They love it. I forgot there's canonical wizard smut in this universe. Fuck yeah. More like Camelot. Yuck. Sassy. Oh, wait.

Where's the puppet man? I'm supposed to find him to. Oh, Lord. You know, I haven't thought about him in a while, chronically speaking. You haven't thought about him? Has it occurred to me? I mean, we will work friends, but. Do you think about people you worked at Blockbuster with?

Okay, will you come with me to find them real quick? I got a message for both of you. I can't deliver. Will you carry me? Through disguise? We don't have to do that. Here, take my little wing. Thank you.

Enter them. And with that, there's a big puff of smoke, and you guys are instantly teleported to Philo's non-canonical location. I hope it's not the toilet. Magical transportation makes me heave. Oh, then you're not going to like what happens after we meet him again. Okay. What is Philo up to, non-canonically speaking?

Oh, God. Well, he's been dealing with canonical things, as he is now the, he's still the interim Turbo Cardinal. Right. And God bless. Well, yeah, God bless. I mean, it's just like all kinds of paperwork and dealing with administrative stuff. And, you know, who's going to do these.

and who's going to stone these sinners. Whoa! Holy shit, man. Hey, I'm going to answer that one. Nobody. So, yeah, it's just day to day. He thought it was going to be a lot more fun and a lot of action, and he's just... But after a few stonings, it really, the shine comes off the apple.

Okay, oh, great. Okay, now the two of you together, I can give you this message. Let me see here. Let me look. Oh, wait. Hello. I'm... It's such a... No, no, no, we work together. Don't you remember? Oh, God. Yes. Yes.

How are you? I've called. I'm going to say it's been two weeks. Oh, my. Oh, well, you know, hey, how are you? Good. I wish I'd known. It's only been two weeks. I just realized that now.

It was a strange. It was embarrassing and awkward until we realized it's only been two weeks. But it's been a long and busy two weeks. The Raven starts rifling through his little messenger bag. Ear of corn, ear of corn, ear of corn, oh, shiny thing, shiny thing, shiny thing. Here we go, I've got a little message for you. And he hands you a rolled up scraw.

Oh, let me read it. It says, hey, Philo, hey, Gondwin's me, Crawford Mudd. You can call me Mudd, everybody does. Hi, Mutt. It's a piece of paper. I sure hope you didn't answer the letter. This is a letter. I thought it was one of those greetings.

cards you open up and... Oh, even those you can't talk back to. That's not a two-way conversation. How are you guys doing? Been a long and busy two weeks, am I right? I'm having so much fun here in London. I've been four-wheeling with a lot of the Dukes. They're okay.

The Dukes of Ascent. Man, I wish I'd thought of that joke. They're just good old boys. That sure would have been funny to make if I'd said it. That's why I'm here, Tram. I can make the other jokes. You don't have to make all the jokes. Sorry, Justin.

I just, all I said. saw was Lady Gobwin for a second. I just lost that. Well, I'm just talking to you right now, right? You're the one talking, right? Oh my God. Lady Gobind can't hear you and talk to you. Please go faster. Okay. I'm dying.

Anyhow. It's better this way. Hope you guys are doing good. Let's see. What else? What else? What else? Oh, yeah. Somebody stole the the crown jewels. There's this guy all in green. Had a bow. Real nice bow. Shot it at me.

which I didn't appreciate. And then he said something about stealing from the ridge, giving to the poor. He was a real dick about it, from being honest, stole crown jewels, and then he just got out of there. So now all the parliaments freaking out. They got everything on lockdown. I can't go nowhere.

But we got to get those jewels back. Apparently something about Divine Right, and if I could be king or not. So I need your guys help. If you would just go get those crown jewels back for me and appreciate that so much. So whenever you're ready, just say the word persimmon. wait, are you reading this out loud?

Wait, are you reading this out loud? It says. Okay, you look up from the letter and you just teleported when you said the word for seven while you were reading out loud. Oh, Christ. I thought for sure you were going to be like

after a one month long boat journey. Which we will act out. Yeah. So you've been teleported. Nothing in the tank. Okay. You find yourself on the edge of Sherwood Forest

and Nottingham Township. Oh, so it's not green arrow. Oh, my God. He's not public on it, man. You said dressed all in green. Oh, okay. Well, hopefully you weren't reading this out loud and you can prepare yourself. Make sure you get lots of supplies, everything you would need.

But anyhow, uh, I did go ahead and hire you like a wilderness god because I've traveled with you guys before. And I know how you are. So I make sure there'd be someone there to help you. He should be there, uh, anytime. Oh, where is he? He said he'd be here in 15 minutes, Philo. We just have to kill 15 minutes. Okay.

Oh, cool. So tell me, the last two weeks. It's been quite a blur, hasn't it? Have you gone to any parties or balls? No, no. I did learn all of the states. Would you like to hear them? Yes, go ahead.

I don't. Oh, okay. No them. I didn't learn them. You hear of Russell on the edge of the forest, and Russell says, hey, look over there. Who's that guy? And who do they see, Griffin? Toddling out from behind a tree,

you all hear a voice first that says, Alabama or Arizona, Arkansas, listing off the 50 states. You see toddling out a sort of large beige bear wearing a sort of red halter top t-shirt. Now he's just wearing his fleece one thing. I'm so fucking sweaty. It's insane.

It's Paddington, everybody. Do you think anybody's ever put that on and thought, oh, this is so much better? Never. You all see Winnie the Pooh, famous public domain bear. Come tumbling out of the woods. Do not ask him about piglet or tigger.

They're not in the public domain yet. I hear you all too. need some help getting through these 100-acre woods. Hold on one moment. I may be able to help you for a smack rule of honey. Here, here, here, here, take it. Take it, take it, take it, take it. You just have honey on you?

Here, here, take it, take it. He's hoping that if it coat your throat, your voice will be so different. Oh, yeah, that's the good stuff. Why, I say, damn it. That didn't work. It didn't work. Not for sure, that was canonical.

The forest thanks you for this offering of sweet honey. Are you able to help us find passage? We're on a hunt for the crown jewels. Oh, such human trifles. It's so amusing. You worship these rocks from the ground like they were gods. I don't remember Winnie the Pooh being so superior to everybody. Okay, we have to stay in our characters.

Remember we talked about this backstage? Okay, I don't want to hear from Clint. I know. I want to know how Philo is reacting to this bear, okay? I don't remember. There we go. Winnie the Pooh. Holy shit, that puppet can talk.

Now we're getting somewhere. This is acting. Are you controlling that puppet with some sort of remote control device? I understand that temptation to hope that to be true. I wish desperately, too, that this would not the case. but he is, in fact, my friend Philo inside a puppet body. Not with, let me see,

is Van Helsing still in there? No? Canonically, no, I don't think so. Canonically, no, it's just my friend Philo in the body of Pinotio. A fellow toy who came to life because of the love of a child. Something like that.

Actually, it was more of putting on the wrong, you know, hat, but... That'll happen. As you stand on the edge of the city of Nottingham and Sherwood Forest, you hear an argument and the voices are getting angrier and angrier slightly within the city. You can see a shopkeeper, like, standing at his stall, arguing with a customer, and it's starting to get, like, you know, they're shoving each other. Oh, you two seem ill-outfitted for this adventure. Would you like to stop at that local shopkeep and stock up on the things you need to keep your huge.

human bodies alive. Well, I would at least like to eavesdrop when one of the conflict is. I'd love to get the dish. Weird energy, but okay, let's creep on over. Since I'm a puppet and I don't eat and she's dead and doesn't eat.

Oh, what? Well, animated dead flesh. What are you talking about? We had forward momentum and then you're like, this one's dead. We were moving somewhere. I didn't. As you approached this stuff.

Justin's voice. We're talking about this as we approach the stall. As you approach the stall, you hear the argument and you just... No, what I'm saying is, I think it is. I'm saying three and a half. Well, three and a half doesn't make sense, does it? It would have to be a round number, so it's got to be three or four, but not three and a half, right? And I think three is too low, and you think four is too much.

Excuse me, gentlemen, this is fascinating, but could you loop us in on what the conflict is? Sure, sure. Thank you very much. How many bowls is a chicken and how many chickens is a bowl? Is this some sort of riddle? These riddles are so confounding. Can you say again? I'm sorry, I don't understand. Basically, how many chickens equals a bowl? A bowl of what?

Like in... I think they're doing an exchange program. Well, we're trying to. It's very new for us. One chicken is worth one and a half bowl. That's way off. You gotta look at these bowls, man. I don't think that half a bowl is a good metric of value, is it? Because you can't have half a bowl.

That's nothing. See, that's exactly what we've been saying to Robin. He said, there's not really a one-for-one thing. You know my friend Christopher Robin? Where is he? It's been so very long. Oh Um

No sorry I was talking about Robin Hood Oh Yes My mistake He He's stolen everything And left of

Having to figure out Like a border system That we haven't used ever Hey who is What size up this person I'm talking to How much money do they have? No no no

I ask a question This is a burly shopkeep Who works with metal. The one talk about Robin. This is the Burley Shopkeep. The shopkeep works with Robin? No.

How deep does this go? This conspiracy. The townspeople know Robinhood. Okay. He's a man of the people. Or at least he was, but it doesn't sound like that now. Okay, I pick him up by the lapels. He's me, my name's Lady Godwin.

It's a pleasure. My eyes are up here. Yeah, it's a pleasure to meet you as well. We're looking for something that's been stolen, and I suspect your old Robin has something to do with it. We'd love a little more information about him where we can find him. Okay. I don't understand the lapel thing. You could have just asked

first. Yeah, right. It's intimidation. Okay, roll for me. If you ask and they say no and then you intimidate, I feel like that's less intimidating, right? They're just going fucking crazy at the jump. I ask you, what is more intimidating? Someone who

asked nicely first and then later is like, well, I hate to resort to this. Answer us now! Yeah. Okay, give me You're all. Impulsiveness is the most intimidating thing. Sure. Okay, so that is a natural 20 plus three. Holy shit.

It gets results. This is what I'm saying. It works. He pisses his pants. But here's the good news. He's relieved that how he's trying to pass a kidney stone and he feels way better now. All right. You're not making the game.

This is my world. Yeah, what do you want to know? Anything. Where can we find him? Why has everyone have a problem with him? And could I take him? Take him where? To fight, Siddy.

What do you mean take him where? Oh, okay. So, can you set me down first? Of course. Thank you. The intimidation is complete. I pick him up by the lapels. Okay, what can I do for you?

Should I resolve her questions first of all? And no lying. What have you done with my friend Christopher Robin? and I go around behind him and give him an atomic wedgy. That's good. This guy's intimidated his balls off now. Oh, man. Really?

I've just only met these two, but I think we're all big bullies. Yeah. I've been nothing but helpful and open and honest. If you ramp up to intimidation, it's not scary. It's desperate. No, I'm very scared. So tell me what I want to know. Okay, can you put me down and release me underwear?

Sure. Yes. All right. Thank you. So, Robin Hood is a thief. And up until, well, sure, a while ago, he would steal from the rich and then he'd give to the poor. And then one day, he comes in and he's like, hey, poor, you're rich now. And he stole from all of us, and he gave her back to the rich who were now poor.

But then he stole from the rich poor again and gave her back to the poor rich. The fatal flaw of socialism. So then he completed that source. cycle two or three more times. And then he said, fuck it. They just kept everything. And he's been holed up in his compound somewhere in show it for us.

A straightforward meritocracy is what's called for. Fair. Fairness. Is a man not entitled to the sweat? Is a man not entitled to the sweat of his brow? See, this is the bad thing. about the public domain that they don't tell you, right?

It seems good, but then people can just mess things up. Yeah. They mess out the precious sweet bear. Is Carl Marx soap in public domain? Well, I don't know about all that. You make some really good points, though, there. You're not ready for it, but your grandkids are going to love it. Yeah, but right now, he's holding basically all the wealth at his compound.

He's not everything there. Which is where? Where it's somewhere in Sherwood Forest, but it's... It is like a secret thieves guild kind of deal, so we don't know where. Where? Hmm. Where is the compound? An excellent question.

I don't know. I know, but I figure out he's so scared of me if he had any idea. Yeah, sure. He would be like, tell me where it is. My child. What? Different. You're a puppet boy, and I'm a grown man.

I'm going to play the religion card. My child, we only. wish to help out everyone. Yeah. So to save you, I would assume they order food from you and supplies. They surely don't come to town to get them.

I'm a blacksmith. You don't have food here? No, but if you need food... What a disappointment. If you need food, you can go over to the Crown and Fool's Tavern right across the way and ask the server there because I think he used to maybe work with

Romero? Something like that. Sounds like a lead to me. Thank you so much for the clue. You've been most accommodated. Hey, thank you for helping me pass me kidney stone. Oh, it's my pleasure. Say, would you mind sharpening this up and making it have a plus something or other?

I don't know. It's a pretty small axe. I pick it back up. I don't want to talk about how small my axe is. Yeah, right out, right on. Sharping it up. Okay. I'm not magical, though.

You know that. right. I'll tell you what I could do. Here, roll a persuasion check for me before I tell you what he could do. This man is so scared of you. And he's so scared, you have advantage. Okay, 13 plus 3, 16. Okay, I'll tell you

what I could do, let me see it, sharpen her up, and I'm going to put a nice little shine on there. I got this silver dust, I've been breathing it in all day, I love the stuff, the smell really gets me going. Oh no. Yeah, let me shine it up for you. All right. Excellent.

Cool. Do you make any lumberjack axes? Well, which Winnie the Pooh are you? Let's see where this goes. Okay. Yeah, how much money you got? Does he make lumberjack axes? Oh, dear.

I'm going to have to start destroying this guy's whole stall. No way, I don't make him. I was just going to do it for a time. Oh, okay. Good. But I am, here, roll a D20 for me. I'm going to see if he interrupted. before you started or after.

Why is he, wait, what is the problem with Lumberjack? It's a 17. Okay, you maybe smash like one, let's see, what they, oh, I don't, no, I don't normally make him. Oh, balder. But I could, I guess. Don't. Okay.

I look at him wild, wild in the face. Oh, now the bear's being threatening. Yes. I'm convinced. In fact, I'm gonna go plant me some trees. That's the spirit Johnny Appleseed. How'd you know my name? No, we'll get to him.

Hey, let's go over to the restaurant. Crown and Fools Tavern. Sorry? Crown and Fools Tavern. Okay, sounds good. You go in, it's bustling, but you hear a lot of the like... Okay, but how much... Okay, one potato.

If it's one potato, how much... Okay, I've got these three rocks. What, their economic system is in? shambles. Excuse us. Does anybody know how to find Robin Hood? Make an investigation check. No, perception, perception check.

Can we all roll it? Yeah. Here we go. Oh, shit, yeah, 24. Nothing gets away from Winnie the Poot. Yeah. Dad is in the profile settings of Easy Beyond.

Now he's just made a flip. flat wisdom saving throw. Six. And he got a six on his flat wisdom saving throw. Is that what you needed? None of that. It's so cool to be actually on this side of things for once.

To get to see how the fucking sausage gets made. With a 24, you see someone who's just set down some drinks off of a tray, and they just go completely pale. They're being weird over there. Thank you.

Can we stomp up to whoever that was? He's gonna try to make a run for it for the front door, but in doing so he's going to run past you. What do you do? I say, Doc so fast, Buster Brown. And I'm gonna cast entangle on them.

So, oh shit, actually, whoops. Grasping plants sprout from the ground in a 20 foot square within range. I'm gonna destroy the hardwood, lowering on this entire pub. Each creature other than you in the area when you cast the spill would succeed on a street saving throw. Or have the restrained condition until the spell ends.

I thought this was just one person that this was going to hit. Not so easy to be on that side, is it? It's really not. 16 for me, I'm fine. Yeah, it's a 14 that you're looking to beat. Okay. Strength saving throw.

Strength saving, here we... Where is the hell is strength? Well, Griffin, here's the good news. Okay. There's a good two years there where dad was playing Uno, and I never had the guts to tell anybody. Yeah. Oh, crit.

A crit. That crit. Here's the good news, Griffin. My friend's safe. I rolled once for the server, and then just one dice for everybody else. Yeah. He got a seven. Everybody else got a Nat 20.

Okay, good. So it does destroy a 20-foot square, like, catch of the floor. But it grows up in between everybody's tables. and chairs, and you see some, like, real grizzled, tough, like, peasant type. Just, like, take a drink, look over, and, like, we're going to have to fix that. And just go back to drinking. And that was the day Taz invented AstroTur. But you have been able to entangle the server who was trying to make a break for it.

Okay. Hello, friend. I noticed you were trying to shake a hot foot at the mention of Robin Hood's name. Yes, if you work for Robin Hood, I won't be helping you. Oh, bother. I thought for sure you were one of his lackeys. No! I was about to twist you up all crazy with these vines.

What do you think a guide does? Brick stops any potential threats before they divot. You're a guide, not an assassin. Jesus! I set them down gently with the vines. Oh, thank you so much. No, I wouldn't... Did you have, by the way, a sexual awakening when that just happened?

Let me check. Roll for it. Well, what does it not 20 mean in that circumstance? Yes or no? I think they are now defined by this sexual awakening. They've just happened. I would say it opened up quite a bit for me. You're very welcome.

Where can we find the now-do-well known as Robin Hood? You know, because you've opened this door for me, I find myself trusting you in a way I wouldn't have expected when you entangled me in your vine. My name is John. What is your name? Huber. That's your Christian name? I'm agnostic.

Fair deuce. Yes, that Rapscallion, Robin Hood, had me prisoner after he overthrew me from the throne. Oh. That should never happen. I always think it's so terrible when people are removed from thrones. Yes, thank you. Let them try the best until they die, that's what I say.

And I'd just gotten comfortable in the throne, just really, I'd really broken the cushion in. That's so sad. What had you done wrong? Were you bad administration or you just, you just, Oh, well, I imprisoned a lot of innocent people and I stole a lot of their money. Right, but if you thought you could lose the job, you would have done better at it, wouldn't you? Yes, I was told I was king because God wanted me to me.

Wait, hold on. He's checking. No, he didn't. Oh, I don't think that's a thing, Dad. I don't think you can ask the Christian God. You told me not to MacGrad. You told me not to be Clint. Two in fiction speak to the Christian God.

To ask if characters' intentions are true, with no roles, I might ask, is not something I can adjudgment. harassing character because it didn't happen. Understood. Okay. But yes, do you mean to do harm to that Robin Hood? It depends. Do you know if he has the crown jewels? Mine?

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh, the Prophet Muckner, the new king of England. Oh, I see. Yes. Oh, this has become rather awkward, hasn't it? It's fine.

No, you always think it's wonderful when someone becomes king, but you forget someone had to stop being king. Is he doing a good job at least? It's been two weeks. It's really too early to tell. I understand. He's got a pretty decent yelp ring. Can I tell you?

Honestly, I find a lot of job satisfaction in being a server. No kidding. What kind of food do you like to serve the best? I like soup. Oh, no, that doesn't make any sense. No, the challenge. It's the challenge of the thing, you see. You like to be honest.

Do you like the challenge of serving a hot liquid bowl of soup? Yes, the learning curve was quite steep. Or a half bowl of hot. Well, here's what I invented. You take some bread and you eat the middle of it when nobody's looking because someone stole all your money and you're very hungry. Right. Then you pour the soup in it and it falls right out the bottom.

Ah. I think St. Pineris. once tried that. So how can we find this Robin Hood? Where is his secret compound? Oh, do you have a map? Yes. I have a perfect map of the whole Sherwood Forest.

Excellent. Show it to me. Did you say Sherwood to me? Sherwood to me. Now, Griffin, you do have a map, but I want you to roll a D20 to see how good it is. It's just places where honey is. 11, yeah, it's mostly honey focused.

Never mind all the circles and all of the crude drawings of beehive. It's so sticky. Yes, it's very sticky. My personal belongings are irredeemably sticky. Oh, no, that might waken something in me as well. I'm quite the pervert. I don't want to judge whether or not.

No, I'd like to judge myself. Apparently, degradation is also good for me. You're moving so quickly through this. I had to congratulate your growth. Thank you very much. This is the hottest I've ever been. Oh, yeah, Juice. Isn't it fucking hot on this stage, motherfucker?

Are you a little fucking uncomfortable, juice? Juice, that's a funny name. I'm stewing in my own juice inside of this. That was my character. Not me. I would never complain about it when you're wearing that on stage, Griffin. I have a great underneath my chair just collecting my... Leavings.

My leavings that I'm producing. Hope you enjoy the show, kids. Mark it on the map for me as quickly as you possibly can. Yes, of course, Daddy. Oh. Hate it. And he does so. I pass him a business card.

In addition to wilderness stores, I also offer certain services on the side. Excellent! They're gonna put it back in the public domain. Like, you don't deserve this, you're not allowed. They freed me from the Disney vault, and I'm ready to get so nasty. Well, I need to get back to serving.

Tips of half a potato isn't going to earn themselves. So now you have a map showing you roughly within Sherwood Forest, We follow it. Without issue. Do you have, you brought that sword with you, right? Oh, yes. Yeah, I'd like to make it,

can you kind of leave it at your side, just kind of dangling and jangling around as we're walking, just kind of shake your tush, and have that gold sword just kind of flipping around. I'm hoping to make a honeypot. Oh, that's good. It's a honeypot.

Oh, okay. What now? Yes, I call it a honeypot. It's a way of trapping criminals. It's like a bait sword. As you start walking, you hear behind you, Wooden boy. And bear man walk through the forest.

Also, there's a lady with a sewed on head. Well, that sounds like a song describing all of our sort of personal aesthetics. Man, it's very Roger Millery. Very. Who's there? They're looking for the voice and they're sounding kind of stupid. Oudalally, oodoole-a-da-da-god. I don't like this.

What do I see, Travis? When I look towards the source of the sound. When you turn around, it's not hard to see. The only thing you see behind you is a rooster. That's good. I rolled a five on that perception check. You didn't know I took. Just a regular old rooster.

I prepare to cast speak with animals. I'm a druid, by the way. That makes sense. Don't waste your spell slots. I can really sing. Oolada, oudda. Oudda, god, who are a day? Can you speak, little cock.

friend. I've told you before. Interesting word. No. No. Oh, sorry. Interesting word choice. I'm not wild about it.

Ool-Lah-Lah-Lah-Lah-Lay-A-A-Lah-A-A-A-A-A-W-T-A-W-T-A-Water-T. Friend, Bird, I am the guardian of this hundred-Eckle-Woods. Are you well? Are your needs being seen to? Are you being threatened in any capacity by the human scourge? Well, a witch curse me. Turn me to a rooster. Ooh-l-l-l-lally, what a day.

At this moment, I look around and realize that I am the only human currently. I kind of look like, I think I'm probably in enough of a minority that I'm nodding along, like, yeah, the human scourge, it has become a problem. I look at you and I say, don't worry, you're a dead human.

The only good type of human there is. People keep saying that. I'm not dead. Friend rooster, you've been... I just met you with. say we're friends yet. Oud-a-lally, o'-l-l-l-l-golly-golly-a-da. I cast animal friendship.

Make a wisdom-saving throat. 14. A garden 11. I am your friend now. Ouddle-l-l-l-l-haw-h. Keep talking shit. Friend rooster. We're looking for the hidden compound of Robin Hood.

Do you know where we might be able to find it? It's a churwood forest right this way. O-da-l-l-l-l-a----------a---------------------a-old-a. This stuff is so easy. Yes. I don't even know why I wasted my time and frankly creative energy doing a whole bait sword with this rooster which is going to come out and show us the way.

Can I ride on your shoulder be your little friend? Oudla-o-a-o-lolly-golly-golly-a-da-day. This is not a karaoke experience audience. I don't think so my shoulders off a little. If I'm copyrighted infringement, I'm going to sue you. O-de-l-l-l-l-go-a-go-a-golly-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a. I can't believe your character's public domain. Oudalali, oudaloole, oudaloole, oudaloole.

So, I'm sorry to ask, but would you mind climbing in Winnie the Pooh's backpack? My what? If he, if the rooster could just ride in the bear's backpack, it would really bring me a lot of joy. Yes, it's an... I'll play my banjo. Thank you. And blow on this kazoo, o'u-la-o-l-lily-gaw-to-a-olde. This is so degrading.

My name is Alan. I am a rooster. Ooh-l-lottie golly one day. Let's do this thing as long as we're trying it. And I flip upside down and try to run on the bird's legs on my backpack like Bancho Cazoo he does it. Roll a deck save. Okay. I want to roll a sanity save.

I want to see if my sanity is preserved full witness. That is a six? It's crushed instantly underneath your weight. It's... Well, come on. Admit it. You're all a little sick of this singing, right? With a six, he's got to be dead.

Time for turbo mode. Yeah, you don't hear any more singing. Whenever you're already, friend, rooster. So then I hold out the sword again, like, wow, this is a really good sword. I hope no one tries to steal it. Can I check on him? Is he okay? No?

Wait. Let me look. Wait, wait, we've never done this before. Wait, wait, wait, we could do a poll. We could do a quick poll to see me at the 20-sided tavern. We make the fucking rules up here, man. How's it looking?

No. Well, listen, he's gone. What class are you again? Trude. Don't worry, folks. It's the circle of life. The circle. No.

No. Damn. I take my backpack off and I just set it on the ground. Don't tell the other druids about this. It'll be ever so crotch. Do you want to eat the rooster? I mean, you are the only person who eats. I don't think human...

I mean, he's a bear. The bear eats. I'll eat the rooster. Oh, don't eat the rooster. If the rooster dies from a terrible accident, there's no moral issues to eat in it. An accent that could not have been prevented. And or foreseen. Yeah.

Roll me a perception check, all of you. Okay. That's the one that says perception, Dad. Considering what I'm witnessing right now, I hope my perception is low. Honestly, I don't need a great view of Winnie eating the Richter. Yeah, I don't want to see it either. Two.

Six for me, did I mention? Six. 25. 25. while you've just finished consuming the body of Alan Adale. Human cursed to be a rooster. Well, then it's all square, baby. And you see in the bushes behind over the shoulders

of Lady Godwin and Philo, you see some figures clad in different shades of green coming out of the woods, trying to sneak up on them. We're being snuck up upon, dear. friends? I think I have this. Friar Talk! Friot, are you there? It's me, your boss, the Turbo Cardinal.

Such a huge cult shot. You had to have expected this. Not the boss part. Here's the problem, Griffin. I don't know how monks feel about the Pope in real life. Sure. Did they work for the Pope? Sure, man. Do a little research, pal.

Into if Friar Tuck had a good relationship with the Pope. Okay. Okay. Dad, give me a persuasion check or religion check, because I am a kind of benevolent DM. That is an 18. Yes? Hello, my son. It is I, the turbo cardinal.

But you are a puppet. Yes. I know, I know It's a long story We were traveling and found this laboratory I'm so bold We are here to confer With your co-worker

Your co-conspirator Robin Hood May we speak to him Let's just Let's just get it right out there Yeah Huh You know you've got a lot of gold

And fancy stuff upon you, Cardinal. Yes, I certainly do. He is the Pope. Yeah. And yet, and yet. That's sort of part of their whole thing. And just to double check,

you are the official Turbo Cardinal? Oh, he hates it when you do this. Okay. There's, it's interim Turbo Cardinal, but as far as I know, uh,

I mean, I don't think King Mut has actually changed. That? Is it possible? I see it. No, we didn't have the vote. So you're definitely not the final turbo card. Well, no, I wouldn't, I would hope I wouldn't be the final turbo card. This is my problem with organized religion.

What do these look like? Sorry? Can we see these? Yeah, what do they say? You said green clad figures. Like, what you mean? So at this point, you could see the man who's been speaking. Okay, I walk closer to him and see what he looks like.

What do you look like, pal? Yeah, what's he look like? How close do you do you do? get to him to see what he looks like. Four feet. Excellent. He's a man on the shorter side with a tonsure,

which is that traditional monk hair cut with a bold paint. He is in monastic robes. He has identified himself as Friertuk by answering. Friottuck was Catholic. Paul has confirmed, so... Well, damn, there it is.

You see a large, beefy man you'd put maybe 610, 611, large, broad-shouldered, strong-looking, in a green tunic and green tights. Then you see a man in different shades of burgundy and red in his outfit with a big red Wreduh across his chest. It's Wobbenhood.

And then you see a woman, once again, and very functional, like, green tunic, green tides, sword on her hip, and like a small, like, a silver circlet on her head. Very small, very tasteful. Okay. And these are humans? Yeah.

Well, don't act like that. There was a singing a rooster. Yeah, that's a good point. Don't act all incredulous. This is a crazy mixed up world trap. So Fire Talk says, well, you make a good point. Maybe we could work something out. Let me confer with the other married men.

Where's the fifth of us? Alan. What did you say? Alan, are you nearby? Alan. Where did he get to that rascally rooster? Let's just listen for his song. Don't worry about me.

I'm just wandering around the woods. Alan, is that you? I'm totally healthy. Okay, I want to send my hand out into the woods to go shake the branches. Okay, make a slight of hand check. Literally. Yeah. It's an eight.

So they watch your hand, hop on your shoulder. Grown over into Bush and shake it. I'm a healthy rooster. Okay, now you make a deception check? Or performance? Sorry, performance. Fuck. Does he get advantage for my limb shaking?

For your eight? 15 plus 1, 16. Pretty good. That's pretty good. Don't even sweat me. I'm going to go home. I've got diarrhea. It's like, it's pretty good.

But also, right? like, it would have to be so, so good to make them think that the bear pretending to do the roosters voice. I'm throwing it. It's not a dog. Right, right, right. Probably have some bullshit magic spell. I make wind blow through a tree or something. I'm going to say, I'm going to say with the 16, it's good enough that they're not, like, angry at you.

Awesome. They know I ate their friend, for sure. But they're, like, they're very wary of you at this point. And the biggest one says, What do you want to talk to Robin about? Right, it's very simple. We don't wish to be a bother. We just want the crown jewels back

for our friend, the king. The new one. Which king? King Mutt. Oh, okay. The two-week king. Yeah, that's what we call him. So far.

That weak? I think he's demonstrated that he's very... Oh, fun with synonyms. My favorite jokes. Not the Fortnite, King. Is it synonyms or homonyms? Which one is it? No one knows.

You stepped on my excellent Fortnite joke. I've never been angrier in my entire life. And he dabs. Too late. It means nothing to me. What was your name? When are the poop? I'm Little John.

Hello, Little John. What a fantastical name for you. You're quite a large man. Oh, there's like a seven foot four. guy who's called Big John. My mistake, I thought you were the seven-foot-four guy. No, I'm six-foot-ten. All you humans look the same to me.

I see. He bristles. I don't blame you. I'm working through a lot of my own stuff over here. Okay, so the four of them confirm, and they come back and say, this time the man

all on Burgundy speaks, he goes, okay, yes, we've spoken. advantage and we've decided we're gonna let you instead of attacking and killing all of you we're trying to be cool about it we're going to let you choose one of ours to fight and we're going to choose one of yours to fight do it one v1 if you win we'll take you to see robin hood if you lose we get to kill you so wait we choose one of yours yes and you choose one of ours yes a champion Should we do like introductions? Can we choose...

Not necessary. Can we choose any of your men? Well, and any of our people. Let's not be small-minded about it. You can see me, right? I don't see gender. What was the name of the rooster one of you? That was Alan, but he went home because he had...

We do Alan. He went home because he had bad... We pick Alan. Alan is not here. He had diarrhea and he had to go home. Sounds like Alan lost the battle. So you get to choose from me, little John. You can pick Will Scarlet here.

You can pick Maiden Marion. And she wears and says, I'd like to speak too. Yes, I bet. Frya tuck or old man Screebo. And a little old man shovels after the thing. He goes, hi, I'm Screamo. We've got to do Screamo. We mostly keep Screebo around as like kind of a massive.

Scott, we love him. Even the puppet among us could smash little screbo to the ground. What the hell does that mean? You're so small. My child? That means nothing to me. Oh, I know what you're doing. You're setting it up so that they will pick me to fight,

and I am the best fighter of the three. I don't know you from Adam's off-ox. Yes, I don't know you either. I met you 15 minutes ago. Yes, it was only 15 minutes ago. I don't know why he's, I'm telling the truth. He's telling the truth. Here's what I'd like to say.

All the people seem like they have a thing, right? But Wilfarl, it seems like kind of a nothing burger. So I think we should choose him. He's got the first initial of his name stitched into his tunet. He said, total dork. What a fucking winner! He said, talk. Hey, I can hear you.

I had that sewn on to me for the, greatest crime I committed. Woodotry? Why a fraud? Oh, yeah, we can take him. Let's do it. You, Dr. Wiley. We'll pick the white-collar criminal.

Okay, I've done other things, too. That's just the worst one. Okay. Let's see. We'll take... Uh-uh. We'll take the Bubby Boy. Well

This was the gambit Wasn't it? Yes, of course You've assured us of your martial prowess Oh no, I'm so afraid Okay, I don't understand the weaking Was that? Was that a wig?

You could see that? Yeah, it looked like you were having a stroke. I love, I can't wait So it's Will Scarlet versus Philo. Yes. Can we send him out like a Pokemon on battle? Yes, you can.

You just throw Philo into the middle of the ring, like, go puppet Philo. Okay, roll for initiative. Roll for initiative. I made a mistake choosing, Dad. Yeah, you fucking did, dude. Obviously. Is it too late to pick the barbarian, maybe? I need my moment in the sun. Where's your initiative? What app

are you using? Here we go. Nope, that wasn't it. Just roll a 20-sided dice and add one. Wait, this is the Aetna Health Care Act. Six. Oh, I got a nine. Let's fight! And he comes at you with two daggers. I thought we said we'd be better than this.

Does an 18 hit your AC? Yeah. I should hope so. It was close. You're a puppet. He does three, blitz three, he does six points of damage. Ha! That's nothing to me.

Okay. Six points of damage. All right. Can we, while this battle is happening, try to kind of... Leap. Merge into... Peen in the bathroom. Merge into the band.

Just like we're all sort of watching this sort of together. Yeah. I think we should all have a little camaraderie. We're being professionals. Yeah. Like, there's no reason we can't be tasteful. Yeah. I cast Ray of Sickness.

Whoa. At Wario. It's not a complex name. His name is Will. I've forgotten it every time. He's got a big W on his shirt. That's fair. You were the one who said W didn't stand for Will.

So it's free game. That's true. It stands for wire fraud. Yeah. Okay. Dad, what's the save or is it an attack roll? Well, you know, it lashes out towards a creature within range. Spell attack.

Yeah. He's going to get a spell DoorDash to himself, it looks like. We got, I don't know what fucking app you're using, my man, but it is not. I am so sorry. What do you want me to push? Roll a D20. Your luck. All right, D-20.

Too late. Add six. Seven plus six, 13. 13 does not hit his A-suit. Wow. We pick the wrong dude. He dodges around you kind of dancing and, let's be fair, a very taunting way. And he is going to attempt to punch you since you are a small wooden boy.

He got a gnat one though and stubs his toe on your butt. What was his foot? He was trying to punch him and he stubbed his toe on his butt? He was trying to punt him. Put him, okay? I thought you said punch him, and he stuffed his tail in the body, making this the worst punch attempt

in the recorded history of manga. I mean, it's a natural one, right? If there's a way to do it, this would be how it happens. I'm going to hit him with my quarterstaff. Okay. Aim for the face or genitals. It's the weakest part on you human beings. Okay.

So... The throat is all so good. Shnikey. Okay. I'm going to do all dad's rolls for us today, baby. Everybody, be cool. It's dad's first time playing D&D. Holy shit.

You got too many characters on here, man. I backed up. You've got 40 fucking characters in this app. We have not been playing D&D this long. That's all my closet D&D. Roll your 20-sided die. All right. And if it's a really high or low number,

the rest of the stuff doesn't matter. Here we go. Eight. Eight. Yeah, it doesn't matter. He's going to avoid that quarterstaff. So far, this is a thrilling battle. I have a bonus move, though.

It's true, he is. I have that action. The Tavern Brawler Strike, my unarmed strike uses a D4 for damage. Okay, cool. So while this nail biter is going on, what's happening with you, Lady Godwin, and Winnie the Pooh? Wait, wait, wait, I have to roll. To do what? To use my follow-up.

He's doing another unarmed strike. Oh, okay. Because he's a tavern brawler, puppet pope. And it was a dirty 20. Okay, yeah, you hit him. Hey, hey. That's a... Hey, little John.

Oh, yeah, thanks for saying my name. Didn't know who you're sp-be-at. I was trying to play it cool. Oh, okay, yeah. Yeah. Yes, Robert. Old. This fight kind of sucks.

I think it's heating up, actually. I think Will's about to do something big. It's the boy's first fight. Let him have this. He's been doing white collar crime the whole time. He wants to get into killing. No one's enjoying this. This is terrible.

Look at the two of them. I am having a ball. Oh, you're fantastic. Five points of damage. Okay. We'll mark it down. Hey, listen, I'm kind of with you on this one. What if we just said?

Oh, they're too evenly matched to start that, right? Right, so we'll say, like, oh, it's impossible to say you're just two Titans in one wrong-upable object and unstoppable force. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You don't hear any of this. I don't hear any of this. I don't feel. You don't hear it. Like you think I can win.

There's no way you're hearing me talk. You're fighting. No, I'm reading your body language. My body language is extremely positive. Let's skip them one more. Well, hold on, Dad. Make an insight check. And if it takes you longer than 20 seconds to do so, you don't.

notice. Two. You look over and as far as you can tell, all of them are going. You're doing great. This is the good stuff. Yeah. Thank you, friends.

If we agree to a draw, will you take us to Robin Hood? If the answer is no, the fight will continue. Oh. He stubbed his toe on his butt. You saw that, Ron. You took too long. Dad, roll again.

All right. He's going to try and do two attacks in one round. It'll take 20 minutes. Oh, you might have a good. Good boy. I am going to use a spell then. No, no, please. We have to stop.

Don't forget your components. Get comfortable, motherfucker. Gather your material components. Not this, no. Yeah, how about a 16 to hit with my... Wait, wait, don't forget the ritual. You must do the ritual. Melf's Acid Arrow.

And how much damage does that do, father? Oh. You just wait, pal. 24, 7, 9. Whoa. Wait, is that right? That's right, yeah. It's extremely good spell.

Good job, Dad. Little John holds him his hand. Oh, you know what, actually? No, deals off now. That was sick. Good job, Philo. Kick his ass. You had your chance.

Finish him. Okay. Wheels up. Not wheels up, mind you. Wheels up. Wheel is, okay. That is a 15 versus. is they see?

Still hits. Still hits. That is four plus three, seven points of damage. Uh-oh, wait, hold on. Okay, and then does a 19 hit? Yeah, I'm 19 hits. Maybe we'll negotiate for a bit. Okay, and that's nine.

I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, I'm good, and that's nine points of damage? Yeah, nine points of damage. Okay, so 16 total points of damage on those two attacks. Ow, I didn't say it didn't hurt. So, now it looks like we're on even footing again. We'd like to get the deal back from earlier. So can we go back to the original terms of the deal? I hit him with my sword.

Jesus Christ. The sacred whacker of Tancred. Wacker! This is not an item you have from the game. It's not... You can't... No, wait, no, hey. Clint McRoy can't go on the con floor and buy it.

a large thumb sword and then say now my D&D character has it because it's physically present. Ha, ha, ha, it's resin. I, you got him, dad. I am recreating 12 angry men by myself over here.

Take the sword away. Thank you so much a dry one. Oh my God. Paul, you're my fucking. Don't, it's wet, right? Paul, can you confirm the wetness of this rag? Oh, yeah. Gross. It sucks up here, man.

For the record, if you're listening to this later, Griffin just squeezed that into Paul's mouth. It was your repulsive. History will not look kindly on this, Griffin. Little John holds his hands up and says, no, no, I have to stop it. You two are going to kill each other. Tomorrow. Yeah. This is too much, too much violence, too much bloodshed already.

Yeah, I'll show you where. Robin Hood is. Honestly, he's been scaring us with his obsession, and if you can maybe snap him out of it, preferably without killing him, we sure would appreciate it. Well, maybe you should tell him not to piss

me off. This guy's a real loose cannon. I'm mad. Philo, you forgot your leg. Hold on. Oh, thank you. Yes, of course. Oh, God. Why is it that Robin Hood, I know of his exploits as the warden of these woods? It seems

like he used to live by a fairly honourable code stealing from the rich who worked very hard I might add for their wealth where do you for on the political scope I'm not quite sure yeah here's the problem he said the whole system is broken that finance as it is we can agree yeah he says this thing of like having it only be like the coin of the realm right and that being policed by you know the government whoever's in control. Sounding good so far. And so he's been coming up with like an alternate coin

that people can have access to. Tell me everything. But how would it work this alternate coin? Well, that's about he's been holed up trying to figure out. We haven't been able to get in there to talk to him. Sorry, where are you from? Oh, all over the place.

That way. Yeah, I'm well-travelled. Your accent sounded all over the place. Yeah. I assume you're from all over the place. My mother was Dutch. All right, that'll do it. So will you take us to this financial genius?

Yeah, it's just on the other side of these trees. And he pulls back to vines, and there's the compound. Son of a bitch. I'm not very good at my job. I enter the door. The forest door, which is vines. As you approach the compound. Sorry, is the compound of physical building?

Yeah, okay. Well, I mean, it's, you know, some tents and stuff. but it's like all gated up and the gates are locked. You know what I mean? He's been holed up in there. Okay. Excuse me, Robin Hood. Yes, what is it?

We'd like the crown jewels, please. Are you asleep? No. Sorry, no, no. No crown jewels. Okay. You don't have any, or you don't want to give them to us? Okay, I'm busy. Please leave.

Can I make an insight check to see if he's lying? The gates are locked closed. He's inside the door. 10. 11. You don't know. You don't know if he's busy or not. We'd like to go inside, obviously,

Little John, if you don't mind. Can you open the gates? I assumed when you showed us where it was, you would just let us inside. It seemed like a fair, I mean, of course, this seems like a sort of genies trap, you've set for us. We aren't creating a map to the celebrity's homes.

You're being unnecessarily on toots. No, I can let you in. Cool. Why did you guys assume I wasn't gonna? Why just doing our best out here? And he unlocks the front gate. Cool. Hey, don't tell him I did that, okay?

Yeah, of course. Is there anything else we should know? Where's his weak point and does he have any natural allergies? Asbestos. Nothing I can do with that? He looks up to the sky and he says, well, it's gonna get dark soon. You should be, you should move. pretty quick. Why is that?

Oh, he's very sneaky and very dangerous in the dark. Oh, okay, so I'll walk into where he is. And kill him immediately. Now, before his secret powers activate. You walk into the tent and you see him and he's like writing all over like the inside of the canvas.

Uh-oh. And he's like trying to, you can see him being like okay, so maybe, okay. So if there's a chain of sorts, right, we put a new link in it every time there's a transaction. So that way we can look back through the chain. Sorry, um, how did you get in here?

Through the gate. I locked it. What? I had locked it. I unlocked it. Damn. I didn't think of that. That's the problem with locks.

They're not permanent. You're sort of a breaking into place as Guy, and you didn't see that one coming? Man, isn't that always the way? No. No, of course not. Can you teach us about your project here? Yes, it seems like you're really on something. Okay, thank you for asking.

So basically... Wait, what am I seeing? What does this person look like? Who's Robin Hood? So it's, as you might picture Robin Hood in your head, right? A fox man? Kevin Costner? Kevin Acoster?

Kevin Costner? Kevin Costner? Is it Kevin Costner or a foxman? Tell me it's... Tell me it's Carrie Owens. It's Cariois. Thank you. But, like, dark circles under his eyes,

you know, kind of like very salient. He's been inside for too long, right, too focused on this. And you can see, like, maybe he hasn't been eating well. You just see, like, empty, like, cans of some, yeah, I know. He's got that, like, Seth Green cryptocurrency malaise sort of about him. Yeah, when he turns, he's very like, okay, let me spell it all out for you. So basically, when you, so right now, okay, follow me, follow me. So right now, right?

The government decides how much each corner is. But what if we said fixed price? Fixed price, right? Okay. And then there were no fiscal coins. Okay. So people couldn't steal the coins from you. Right.

Right. And every time you traded the coins, you had to go to a blacksmith, and they would put a new link in a big chain. I thought this guy's thing sounded so cool on paper, but now that I meet him, I'm not feeling it. So you'd be lugging around a bunch of chains in your wallet? No. The big chain is. in one place. Okay.

Yeah. I've got this painting of a monkey. Could we somehow tie that into... How many paintings of the monkey are there? Just the one painting.

Oh, that's good. I paid five bottles of honey for it. How big a bottle? Do you have a name for the system? Yes, right? So we're going to have the chain and it's going to be guarded.

So I'm thinking block to chain. Okay. This is great stuff. Yeah. But do you have the family jewels of the royal family? I'm confused by the wording. Sorry. Yes, family jewels has a whole different connotation.

I don't give a damn about your human testicles. Is it hot? It's getting hot. Oh, is it, motherfucker? I'm so sorry to hear. Do you have... I don't think any of the... The three of us have human testicles. Anyway.

I believe mine are acorns. Do you have the royal jewels? Wait, hold on. Is it day or night? Ah, shit. Oh, listen, talk quick. Where's the crown chules? He pulls back the flap from the top of the tent,

and you can see the full moon. I put it back. I put the flat back up, bro. Shoot! He starts freaking out. Oh, I lost track of days. Oh, no! And he proceeds to change.

Oh, no. Look at it, it's sexy. And he turns into his Ware Fox form. Okay. Roll initiative. Oh, yeah, sure. I snap a picture for Prince John later to see if this is part of it.

Four. I'm not even going to get to act this show. Fourteen. Five. All right. Okay, so we had four, five, 14, and Griffin was the four. That was me.

Justin was the five. Dad was the five. Oh, Dad was the five. Justin, you're up first. Okay. I will take out my silver axe and split him in Twain. Okay, give me an attack roll. A what?

An attack roll. You got it. Oh, I'm so wet. How does a... How does a 9 plus 6 treat you? 15. That just hits. All right.

Show me damage. Do I get a bonus for the fact that it's silver? Yeah, it hurts it. Okay, I actually did the attack roll. Sorry, that's a... 12 points of damage. Oh, pretty good? Yep.

Yeah, no, you can cheer. Is there anything else you want to do on your turn? Yes, I would like to become raging. Oh, okay. And now I'd like to live in... No, God. No, no, no, no, no. Does it make that sound every time?

Nobody likes the sound it makes to become raging, but that's what it takes. Some fiber. I'm going to attack again. With a second attack, that's damage. I keep pushing the wrong buttons. Sorry, here it comes. Here comes the big roll.

Everybody's waiting for. That's a nine. That misses. Sorry, Jayheds. They didn't get it done for you this time. Maybe next time. Robin is going to take a swing at you with his now clawed, you know, fist. The J-heads are not going to like that.

Oh, no. That's true. No, that's not going to hit. That's an eight. That eight's not going to hit. It's not as far off as I'd like it to be, but no, it's not it. But he does have multi-attack,

and so he's going to swing at you again. That time it's a 20 to him. Yeah, that one just gets in there. Okay, great. Just going. And he's going to do seven points of damage. All right. And then he's going to begin to prowl around the room

and move away from you and get back to a corner and hunker down like he's ready to pounce. Oh, that's not all that intimidating, actually. Up next is Philo. His friends outside are not gonna come help? Well, not yet. Okay.

Okay, I lock the tent. No, not yet. Not yet. I have a plan. I have a cunning plan. Dad, did you hear the words he said before you respond to? I lock the tent. It's locked, man.

It's dealt with. It's not his turn. I already locked the tent. It's your turn, Dad. Will you lock the tent, then? Someone's got to lock this day, sir. I wasn't going to lock this day, sir. I wasn't going to lock.

the tent. Tint's not gonna lock itself, am I right? A coming plan. It's your turn, Dad. Okay. Time to deliver. I drink an alter self potion. What a great moment. And transform myself into a duplicate of Robin.

Who? Who? I wish fucking Prince John was here for this now. He'd be losing his shit. That would have been such a sick move. And I stick my head through the tent flap and go, fellas, there's somebody who looks just like me. He's gone mad.

Oolally, oolally, oolally, oolally, lolly. That was the rooster, man. This fox ate Alan. Come on, me boyos. Okay, so Robin Hood, the fox ducks his head out of the locked tent and says this fox ate Alan. Now, it is also important to note

I did just look up alter self, and all of the things you discuss changing can except your size. So a phylo-sized Robin Hood just popped out. I've seen the movie. I know how much Robin Hood is. I'm Robin Hood's son. Hey guys, dad's gone nuts.

I poke my head out, and also a witch turned him small. You must help me. Make a performance check, yes. 11? Not funny. The least funny number to roll. The least funny number to roll.

What did you say, Robin? We're going to get a bit closer, so maybe we can hear you better next round. But they don't come all the way to the tent. They just move about halfway. Up next is Winnie the Pooh. To attack Robin Hood. You want me to attack Robin Hood?

I mean, if you want to. I wanted to say the sentence, Winnie Pooh is going to attack Robin Hood. No, I'm going to deal with this outside situation because I cannot stress you how much I don't want four other people to enter this fucking initiative order? Yeah, you gotta lock the tent. I step outside and as I do, in the night sky, storm clouds begin to gather.

And is that related to your action? Yep. Okay. Did you, just so we know for the record, did you lock the tent behind you? I lock the tent behind me. I say, as the storm clouds begin to gather, I say, oh, the sound of thunder always makes me so terribly peckish. On account of it sounding like my rumbly tummy. And I'm going to cast thunderwave as a third-level spell on the four haters outside.

I need each of them to make a Constitution saving throw aiming for 14, please. Okay. No? No. Fuck, yes. That's four failures. Oh, no, Travis. What awful news for them.

They take 24 points. 24 points of, I believe, forced damage as they are thrown 10 feet away from me and it sucks for them pretty bad. Good night, Portland! Yeah. Hey, Philo, quick sideball. This bear scares the shit out.

Yeah, that's gonna do it for Will Scarlet. Will Scarlet is, let's say, out of commission, not that. I fucking... I have a little necklace. and I scratch another notch into it as Will goes down. We notice Winnie the Pooh pulling out one of his teeth. Yes. Everybody else is knocked prone.

Yes. And Marion says, oh, I love talking about how upset I am about this. That's two lines I've had. You've done it. I apologize that this episode has gone this way to made Marion. I understand. Human men, otherwise. Wait, human, wait, is Maid Marian not a human being?

No, she is. Okay, she gets it, though. She just wanted to, listen, a human man have done a lot of terrible things. Sure, sure, sure. Tell me about it. Justin, you are up. Ah, all right. So it's me and Falo. How is Robin looking? Pretty bad.

Untuck. Oh, no, you hit him. He looks, you have maybe cut some hair off his face. Is there anything in the room that I can use to my advantage? to defeat him? Perception check. We should ask that question more often. This is one of the best things about I rolled on the perception check.

We don't need to worry about it. So I'll just do a regular attack. What did you roll on the perception check, though, just out of curiosity? A natural one. So what's he fine? He blinks too hard and he doesn't see anything for like 30 seconds. Yeah. He got an eyelash in his eye from looking around too high.

His eyes are all watering. He's very irritated. Oh, yeah. Griffin, you're definitely going to make weight for your wrestling tournament tomorrow. No fucking kidding, man. I will, in an act of mercy to Griffin, I will hit Robin again as hard as I can with my axe.

Please kill him, Justin. I'm doing my best. Oh, brother, I rolled a five. Let's try another attack. Oh, dang it. It's a one. Jesus Christ. I'm trying, but this fox is tough as nails, man.

That's a not one on your attack? Yeah, I get one more, though, for the... Well, for the not one, you swing, and the force of the swing you miss so hard that you go down to one knee. I get what? It's a not one. So when a not one happens in Dungeons and Dragons.

It sucks so bad, dude. It's not just a failure, but a failure that has ramifications to it. So what happens to me? You... Okay, you swing too hard, right? And the force, you end up getting, like, off balance, and you go down to one knee.

Go down to one knee. Okay, that's all I was trying to hear. Okay, I stand up and then I attack again. He uses all his movement to stand up. That's your move action. I don't need to move. I'm fighting the fox that's right next to me. I'm not moving.

I'll use my move action to stand. Okay. And then I will attack his head to chop it off. Oh, interesting. Non-lethly. I like that. Make an attack roll for me? Okay.

Thank you for specifying. Of course. I wish Griffin had non-lethly knockdown Will Scarlet, That is a two plus six. Does that hit? No. Okay. I start drafting a letter to mutt.

Like, I feel like you oversold the capabilities of these. Are you sure these gibronies killed Dracula? So he is going to come charging at you and does a 15 hit against you? Yes. Okay. So he's going to swipe at you with his claws, and because he was ready to pounce and charged at you, make a strength saving throw as he pounces upon you. Also, you're going to take... 21.

Okay, yeah. Pretty good. You survived that. You take nine points of damage, but you do save against being knocked down. All right. Okay. Now, Dad, you're up. I cast find object

unconventional choice to see if I can find the crown jewels eyes on the prize okay you just do so I just did hold on you want me to roll something

can't be how that works hold on ow don't hit me while I'm typing dad don't type then okay that's wow that's a 15 describe a name or object that's familiar to you you sense the direction to the object's location so long as it's within 1,000 feet of you.

Yeah. So in the... A turbo cardinal, he would definitely be familiar with the crown jewels. Yeah, so in the corner of this large tent, you see a big pile of jewels and gold and money and stuff. It's really... It's in there. It's on you, really, for not describing the crown is right there.

You got an eyelash in your eye and you couldn't see all the treasure. I'm not sure I trust this dude with developing a whole new sort of... economic ecosystem based around the extremely secure storage of data. As far as he's concerned, at this point, all that stuff's worthless. Can we just have all that stuff? Sorry, I forgot. Is my turnover? You cast a spell, so that was your action.

Do you have any bonus actions or movement? Well, I was going to use an infusion. Is that an action or a bonus action? What's it feel like in your heart? What's it feel like to you, Trev? I think that knowing that there's some jewels in a big, Pilot Jules, I'm going to call that a bonus action, and if you want to use an infusion, you can.

What a nice guy. Okay. I am going to... Is it like mid-fight with a wear fox? Philo's like, you're really infrant now, and walks over to the piles of stones and starts squeezing one so hard,

like, just you wait. As soon as I'm done with this, you're going to be in a world of hurt. And I summon Cronut. Okay. So that's a familiar that you created in the non-nodeled. live version of this podcast.

It's long gone now, but you can re-sum it. No, in the non-cananical time. You've just been, listen. Or non-canonical time. Have you just been re-conjuring it constantly? He is kind of a fan favorite, Travis. He's not, I promise. No one likes your dumb cronut.

Don't. Grunut is a hit on Tick-Tac. I'm going to say, as you summon. and cronaut. He's the fart muckle of bad character. Yeah. Cronut is a jack-lantron that grew wings and learned to love. He's got to be pretty soggy at this point. I have to imagine too much. Well, this time, as you summon it and the available resources around you, a small, like, jewelry box chest rises up from the pile of gold with big, like, gold coin wings.

as they flap and jingle jangle, and his little lid is, like, flapping up and down like a mouth. So good, trust. Okay, Cronut comes to me. Okay. Did Mutt say he had to have all the crown jewels back? Some of them will be nice, and I don't think a jewelry box with some coins is any of them.

And they're in a crown. Nice. Hmm. Are they in a crown? That make a... Just roll a D20 for me. Just a straight D20 roll. 11.

Another 11. That's enough. As soon as you see this golden box with these shimmery wings go up, it distracts. It distracts Robin. This fox who has spent his whole life stealing from the rich and giving to the boar and now in animal form. You see the lights of the lanterns around glinting off of it. And he starts like swiping at it in the air. And he is very distracted and it is Griffin's turn.

Oh no, I've killed again. Oh, well. In for a penny, in for a pound, I suppose. I'm going to cast lightning bolt in a line at the three remaining thieves on the outskirts of this battle. I'm going to need a dexterity, 14 save from all three of them, please. Nope. Nope. Oh, that's a 16.

Marion saves. Oh, good. That's a fucking... That's a good optic, Griffin. Yeah, thanks, Dad. That's going to be... Okay, so the good news is... Made Marion's going to take half.

of the 33 points of damage. Okay. I'm terribly sorry. I have this draconian policy about human beings. I feel like we're learning that when you let these the main characters off the chain,

they're ready to fuck. Like any time you let them off, they're ready to go. Yeah. I'm very much a freak on a leash. Okay, so you have now killed Will Scarlett, little John, and Firetuck.

She. Marion. I want to leave. Marion is not looking great, but she is still up. And she says, All of that was deserved. They were terrible people. Tell me about it. How is Robin? Let me see him. No, he's probably going to go to beef city.

But I can talk him out of whatever this hyper-folks is. It's far too late for that. Your petty human love. In the grand scheme of this beautiful world in which you inhabit, your love is completely meaningless. And she looks in your big bear eyes and says, But haven't you ever loved a human before? Oh. Say no, say no, say no, say no, say no, say no. Once, many, many moons ago.

But I'm afraid I've forgotten. His face, I remember he was quite important to me at one point, but we were separated in these woods. And, well, let's just say that I think he's probably dead by now. Okay, people in the audience who are awing. He is a mass murderer. He has killed four people. He ate the rooster. Okay?

We cannot feel back for him. He ate the rooster today. He's also got a weird randian bent that apparently you're all down with. Please, let me see Robin. Fine. You may speak to Christopher Robin. I mean, Robin, vote. And I stand aside.

Okay, she enters the tent. I poke my head in. Sorry, whoever said, but it's locked, I owe you $100. That's, it is absolutely locked. Thank you. Come get my axe after the show, okay? My axe is yours after the show. I'm going to leave it right here.

I poke my head into the tent and I say, wait, unlock it first. Oh, yeah. I kill all the optical scanner. Hold up, Maine, Merion. I've killed all the other ones, but this human has something to say. She sees...

Travis, the stage is yours. Thank you. Finally. She sees the foxified. Robin Hood and she was prepared to try to talk him out of his defy

reverie. And she starts kind of fanning herself a little bit when she sees this foxify around and she's like, oh damn. And then yeah, he looks up from chasing this box and sees her right and she's kind of wounded and at first he starts like snarling

and growling at you and he looks at you Winnie the Putin and he says yip, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, Can I, okay, this is fucking crazy. I'm gonna cast, speak to animals, speak with animals, rather. Yeah, anyone can speak to animals. I cast speak with animals.

I can understand what he is saying when he says, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip, yip. Yeah, he says, what did you do to her? You monster. Sorry, she was hanging with the rest of the shitty bunch. Oh, those dick wards. Yes, they're dead now because of my actions. I'll have to process that later.

And Marion says, what did he say? Oh, he says that, I forget already, it's so boring, your human love. Okay, tell him that I said that we could be together and that he doesn't need to worry about any of this finance and money or anything anymore. Yep, yep, yep, yep, yep. And he says, yes, I understand. He says he understands. And he goes over and he just very gently nips her on the arm.

Oh, this is my shit. And she transforms. You two leave. Okay, we leave with the crowd jewels. We walk out at that exact moment and we don't see anything else that happens. Wait, very important. We don't see anything else. Very important.

Do you lock the truth? Tannotically we lock the tent on the way out. Did it, Trab? We did it. The noises that come out of that tent will haunt you for the rest of your days. After. Afterwards. No.

I poke my head out and say, it's just forest stuff. You guys wouldn't get it. It's beautiful. Give my regards. And we're going to end it there. Thank you, everybody so much. Thank you all. Thank you all.

Check out the posters. Check out the poster by Matthew H. Taylor out there. Thank you all so much for coming. Maximum Fun. A Worker Owned Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.