The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone vs Romeo vs Juliet: Live in Tampa!

Episode Date: March 6, 2025

Mutt takes his shot. Phileaux gets dressed up. Lady Godwin establishes dominance.Live from the Tampa Theatre, the gang crashes the famous Capulet ball and all hell breaks loose. Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

Dear Diary Of all the works of the great barred shaky spear, I confess tonight's show is not my favorite. For one thing, only like six people die in the whole story. Boring! Give me a Titus andronicus! That dude knows how to spill some blurred. Also, if I wanted to spend two of a time,

hours watching teenagers be sad. I'd buy a ticket for dear Evan Hansen. Alas, this evening, our patient ears must attend to Romeo

and Juliet. Jesus Christ. Thank you all so much for coming to our show. That will be the greatest Tasverses. We're not there yet. Is the Bible public only Someday. KJV is public domain, not NIV. We're waiting on that one. Thank you all so much for coming to the Adventure Zone versus Romeo versus Juliet. We're so excited to be here back in the lovely Tampa Theater. If you are not familiar with this particular season of the Adventure Zone, maybe we could go down the line and introduce your characters. The plot of that season's not going to be crazy.

important tonight. So don't worry if you miss that one. Let's start with my personal hero, Travis McElroyle. Oh my gosh. Thank you very much. Travis, you're too humble to say this. Travis is playing hurt tonight. He beg does not to say anything, folks. He's quite sick tonight. And so like the heroic Cal Ripkin and the bloody sock, he's going to to put on a great pitching performance, I guess. Anyway, that wasn't Cal Ripkin. Was it not? He begged us not to say anything, though.

He was like, guys, please, don't say anything. I'm going to go out there and deliver. And we're like, Travis, please, we should say something. No, I said you should say something because the energy is going to be noticeably off. Yeah. We're telling you he's sick so you don't go over the show. Like, Travis must be going through some shit. Travis is really phoning it in.

He seems so sad. I will say, Travis is. going through some shit, as you can tell from the... Actually, some shit is going through Travis. You know, a lot of shows don't have the fucking guts. Yeah, come on. A lot of shows don't have the guts to put a full value-sized bottle of pediolite in front of one of the hosts.

But we are that kind of class act. Travis, introduce your character, please. Thank you. My name is Travis McRoy, and I... Oh, thank you very much. I embody the role of Crawford Muttner, call me Mutt, everybody does, a ranger, a hunt, monsters, oh, and one other thing you need to know about me, I did Bull Scalibur from the skull of a giant god, and I became the king of England. Yeah.

So I'm like, now part-time, like Mountain Man Monster Hunter, part-time king of England. Yeah, for sure. What about you, Mac? My name is Clint McElroy. Read my notes. Pause for applause. Okay. My through line is pretty straightforward.

I was a priest, a monk, who got turned into a puppet. Specifically Pinocchio, the famousest puppet. The most famous puppet. Yeah. And then became the Turbo Cardinal. Interim. Interim Turbo Cardinal. And if you want to say your character's name at any point.

Philo, Brother Philo. Thank you, brother Philo. And Justin, down there at the end. Hey. My name is Lady Godwin. I was a lady of high society. It was tragically bebodied in a car accident that was beyond my control.

And I got attached to a new body, this muscular thing you see before you tonight. I killed Dracula for his misdoings, and then I retired to a life of relative relaxation, save when the macaroids need to line their pockets with a few more bucks. Yeah. Then we got to drag her back out, you know what I mean?

It's also important, I clarify, you killed A Dracula. just to leave some room open for future seasons. He has continued to manifest in future. What do you mean, leave some room? He's always in it. Yeah, that's a fair point. I'm wearing the cape now.

I'm wearing the cape and a... Oh, wait, is that a Shakespeare cape? It's a Dracula cape with a Shakespeare neck ruffle. I've got a lot of... It's very dead poor. I've got a lot of shit going on right now from like my chest up. There's too much...

too much stuff happening. I'm Griffin Macroy. I'll be DMing this evening, and thank you so much. With your permission, I would like to get started. Permission granted. It is sweeps week in the city of Lumineau, and the theater district is popping. Every opera house, black box arena, and stage is putting up their best, most audacious, most ambitious productions of the year in a gaudy celebration of the dramaturgical arts. One theater in particular, the Golden Globe, has been teasing an exhibition that promises to, quote, blast this city's ass right out of its shorts.

A short-run series titled Shakespeare Comes Alive. The three of you have received exclusive VIP passes to this experience from its clandestine coordinator, dressed to the nines, kind of, I guess. I don't know how much better it gets for much. I only got the one set of clothes, man. I don't know what to do you. He's a king. Fashion follows him. That's right.

That's a good point. You have approached the stage door of the Golden Globe, and before you can even knock, it swings open, revealing a short, wild-eyed man wearing an old-timey doctor-head mirror thing. Lady Godwin, you recognize him right away. This is Igor, Dr. Frankenstein's former assistant, who was president who was president. during your revival in this new body. He says, yes, how can I help you? What's my feeling on Igor?

Have we run into each other since the- Kind of crazy, you're asking me that. I- Well, it's like, I'll feel this one, Griffin. I think you have. Thank you, Travis. Yeah. Wait, no-

I think you haven't. Okay, wait. I don't know, wait, wait, do I get to decide who I've met? You have met Igor. Igor was there in your first episode. I also met a genie then. A wish-granting genie. I mean, if I could decide who I met, I met a genie.

In the first episode of Taz versus Dracula, canonically, you met Igor. He was there as you woke up in your new body. Oh, it's so nice to see you again, Igor. Yes, I remember you. I put your head on your body. And a fine job you did. It stays beautifully put.

How is that life going for you, by the way? Minimal scarring exterior speaking. Do you want to talk about it? Not with you, Igor. I hope you understand. Of course, of course. You three tonight will be my assistants. Come in, come in. He gestures you inside to follow him back into the backstage area. Wait, man, are we in the show? I thought you had to watch the show.

It's not a traditional show. It's sort of a one-hander. You'll see. Come with you. I was so excited to watch No Mia and Juliet. Sorry. Is this like cats? Are they going to come out? Are we part of it? Oh, you're part of it, all right.

Though the adventure this evening will be far beyond the scope of what cats can prove. You know, I say that. Cats really gets you going. Yeah. Once they get out there, anyway. You see the right production? Are you in the right head space? It's transportative.

It is. I went to the production where they brought. brought me on stage and turned me into a cat. I got to pick my own cat name and everything. It was the greatest hour of my life. What was your cat name, man? Fucking... Thimble thumbs.

Wasn't it thimble thumbs? It was pimple dukes. Pimple dukes. Fucking pimple dees, thimble thumbs. I was pimple dukes, the airplane cat. Anyway, as you may know, the Lumino Chamber of Commerce slash their budget for scientific funding, so I've had to pivot somewhat into the realm of the arts, where that sweet grant money still flows like the River Tim's.

Nice. That'll never go away. No. He leads you away from the stage down a winding corridor and through a large steel door, into a room that resembles the lab of Dr. Frankenstein, a room you three have all been in when you kicked his ass clean, if said lab was furnished on like a quarter of the original budget. He says,

Putting up a new play isn't really my whole bag, but I do know a thing or two about revivals. We'll allow it. Thanks. Griff, does this look like, a bad, cheap, like, hardscrabble recreation of these tools that will actually work, or does this look like a cheap recreation for, like, scenic effect? Like, they're trying to make it look aesthetically like his lab.

Give me an investigation check, please. Okay, Griffin. Yeah, man, I love investigating stuff, too. I don't blame you all for getting pretty worked up. That's a 16 Plus my native skill with investigation Which like a good barbarian is zero 16 16 yeah

A fantastic role If you haven't played D&D before There's a dice with 20 numbers on it So 16's up there One of the good ones One of the better numbers to get on there It's a little a column A, little a column B A lot of this stuff looks sort of familiar

from Igor's sort of clinic where you were revived. But there is some stuff that is clearly like maybe Cirque de Sole came through here a few seasons back and just left some shit behind. There's a tower of feathers

where you're like, that's probably not actually involved. Functional but maybe more theatrical than needs. Is there any chance that the helmet that transfers minds into different bodies?

You would keep your head on a swivel for that. At this point, that is how you became Pinocchio. So I understand that. No, there is nothing like that. There is a skull laying on a plinth in the center of the room, kind of between all of these pieces of equipment. Human?

Human? Yes, human, you would assume. All right. Igor, may I? Yes, of course. Alas, poor Yorick. I was going to, ah, go ahead. I knew him, Arachio. You guys are from Hamlet. Yeah, that's good.

I had to learn about all this Shakespeare stuff when I became King of England. They're real proud of him over there. I'll tell you what. I mostly just watch movie versions of it. Like 10 things I hate about you and like she's the man. Lion King. Lion King, Nomiio and Juliet. Nomiio and Juliet is actually a pretty huge betrayal of the plot.

I don't know if you've seen it. Oh man, I'm going to be so confused. He says, yes, yes. He takes the skull out of your hand and starts to kind of wipe it a bunch. He says, yes, thanks to some tireless grave robbing us. efforts from yours truly. We're reviving a big one. The Alpha Dog of Play, acting the original theater kid. Samuel Beckett? No. Couldn't find his grave, looked for it. David Mamet? No, not Mamet. He's still alive, I think. He holds up the skull like a little puppet,

and it's like, it's me, William Shakespeare. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Anyway, I'm going to bring him back to life, and I need a few steady hands. help around the lab and to be there on the off chance he comes back as a mindless ghoul, hell-bent on devouring human flesh. Okay. You could maybe make him dead again with violence. Yeah, you got

him, man. All right. I say let's roll the dice. Oh, I get it. Let's bring it back to life, absolutely. I thought you were making some weird meta-joke about... Oh, wow, yeah, Griff, I can see that now. I shouldn't have drawn attention to it. He places the Well, hold on, man.

Back on the plinth. Sheesh. He angles a few antenna mounted on the ceiling downward towards the skull, and he slaps on a pair of goggles, and he puts on a heavy lead vest. And he steps behind some... Should we have one of those? What's that? Should we have... The vest and the goggles and stuff?

Yeah. Don't look directly into the electro coils. No, which ones are the electrocoyles? Turn your body's side profile. To what? Relatives? Just to minimize the radiological exposure. To what? Relative? Yeah.

He flips a switch. And the room ignites with brilliant blue light, and for just a moment you feel your fillings hum as your bones become briefly visible through your skin. And then the light is gone, and as your eyes reaclimate, you no longer see a skull on the plinth, but a full nude man balding with a wispy beard just perched on the bone. plinth like a gargoyle. Well, don't leave me hanging, Griffin.

He told me what his hair is like, what his face here was like, get going, bud. Oh, you want to know about his, about his tempest. Is he hoist on his own petard? Lady Galway looks over and says, ass, I like it.

He looks at you three, and he says, he says, Nice bush, man. In a goose. Is he saying that? He shakes his head. Sorry about that. Frog in my throat.

Hey, who are you guys? And where am I? And why is my penis just out? You want some pants, man? Do you have spare pants? I give him my pants. I'm a good king. Travis, you should call him pantaloons.

He won't know what pants are. Yes, what are they? Oh, you're going to freak him. He's gonna go insane. He looks at him, he says, I wear a size 100 of pantaloons, sorry. He hands him back to you. Igor runs up with a lab coat

and wraps it around him for some modesty. And he says, so who are you? Where am I? My name's Crawford Muttner. You can call me what. Everybody does. I'm the king of England.

Wow. I'm brother Philo. I used to be a monk, and then I put on this helmet. a talking puppet. And now I'm not. Ah. I'm Lady Godwin.

Ah. Just usual stuff here. Lady Godwin, thank you for your compliments of my push. You're very welcome. So, looking around, it seems like it's the future. I'm not sure, actually. I guess so, because you've been dead for a while,

but I don't know that we've canonized like what day it is. I thought I remember dying, yes. I make a perception check to see if it's the future. Yeah, okay, make a perception check. That's an eight. You have this thought and it kind of takes you out of shit for a little while. Sorry, minus one.

Minus one. Thank you so much. Even worse. You have this thought that kind of takes you out of it for a while, which is that it's never, nor will it ever be the future. It's only ever now. And you go through like a little existential wormhole for like 30 good seconds. He says, so what? What was it that got me, that danged buponic plague?

Oh, actually, I don't know. I go, what was it? Of course. Bees. He can't see a thing without his classes. I've never seen the movie. I'm not sad about it. He hops up from the plinth and he says,

So, uh, would you bring me back for? Time to do one of my big shows, was it? You ever thought about it? and Romeo and Juliet, get this, with garden numbs? I'm not familiar. Romeo and Juliet, you said. I'm not quite familiar with what that is. You wrote it.

Do you know Leonardo DiCaprio? Personally. No, because I died in the past. Okay, what about Hamlet? Hamlet? That's a pretty boring name for a show. Okay, what did you write? I thought you brought me back because you loved my works.

Surely you're familiar with Boner Boy's Big Verona Road Trip. That was you, man? Yes, of course. I don't know. I'm being polite. Maybe you're more of a fan of King Wizard's Island Vacation. I miss that one, I think. Mr. McBee's Scottish snafu. No.

Slamlet? Yes, yes, yes. Do you have eight more? Sorry, Griff, was one of those Mr. McB's Scottish Sneffoo? Yeah. Okay, I just want to make sure I heard you right. All right. I won't make you do a history check.

You've never heard of any of these plays. Have we... Oh, man, this is really... Have we heard of the ones that we just mentioned to you? Yes. I would say all three of you would have a familiarity. Okay. A person of my society.

A learned cleric. someone who had to as homework to be king, which is cool. You all are familiar with Shakespeare's works. These are not among them. But we understand them to be the same as I, Justin McRoy. Yes. Okay. Yes.

He looks at you all confused because you haven't said anything to him in response to the shit he just said. Have you any experience with multiverses? Multiverses. Do you know Dr. Strange? No, man, again I died. a wicked long time ago. I thought there was no past or no future. What's your name?

My name? Yes. It's Shakespeare. Eh? My name is Thrillium Shakespeare. Okay, there it is. Okay. I thought, so do you know a William Shakespeare?

There is no William. I have no brother. I have no sibling or other family member named William. Boring name. Thrillium, what was the last thing? that you remember. Oh, I was in the park playing frisbee with my dudes, and one of them hit a big old bees nest.

And I looked and I said, well, that's none of my bees nest. And then I died. So it was, it was your bees'ness. Turned out it was, in fact, they made it my bees nest. Yes. Two bees or not two bees? It was like a million bees. A million of them.

A million of them. So not two bees. He picks up a book of one of his shows. There's a big pile. I don't think you gave dad enough credit. That was extremely good. It was really good. You don't know how many more chances you're going to get to appreciate him, man.

You know, like everyone. He just means you don't tell a lot of good jokes. No, I don't. Now, hold on. This whole thing's getting away from me. It's kind of grim, isn't it? He's flipping through a pile of his works in the lab, and he stops with Romeo and Juliet.

He says, bad news, someone's done a mess about with all my kick-ass plays. I don't write tragedies. You write sins? I was thinking about this the other day. We didn't get the thing to have on a QI whenever a really obvious joke comes up and he just flashes on the stage. I should start getting those ready beforehand. He says, you think I wrote a show about dead kids? That's so fucked up, man.

I wrote sexy comedies with babes and kick-ass murder. and silly dudes going on sex rumps across Western Europe, not this sad shit. What is Igor making of this? Igor seems stunned. He is on the phone with the board of directors explaining that the show might not be able to go on tonight. No, the show must go on. Ah, so you understand. You see, there is magic in a bard's place.

All right. And I am a great and magical bard. And some sort of dark, nefarious entity has corrupted my amazing magical works. And you know what that means, don't you? You three are gonna have to go into my famous stories. Yeah. Then stop these foul invaders and put right the tragic fates

of these star-crossed lovers. The fuck does that even mean? Any questions? How do we get in? With my magic of barred star. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, right, of course. Okay.

Everyone ready? Yeah. Are you familiar with the plot of Romeo and Juliet? Sort of. Is. Okay. Well, all you have to do is make sure that all the sad stuff that happened in that book doesn't happen. Okay.

Hold on real quick. Hey, Merlin! Shit, okay. Merlin appears out of nowhere. He's in gym shorts and a tank top. And he's like, whoa man. Sorry, bud. I just had two quick questions. Yes, of course, my liege.

We're about to be transported using bard magic into Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare, who's alive again? A little page master stuff happening. Yeah, man. When I'm in there, do I got diplomatic immunity? Why, my liege, you have diplomatic immunity. Anywhere you go, you're the king. And for some fucking reason, they've decided that's how that works. Okay.

It's in Italy. Oh, it's that? It's in Italy, so I don't know why Travis would have immunity in the play. As a diplomat. Yeah, I'm visiting. So wait, are we suggesting that Travis? Of course I'm immune in England. I'm the king.

Right. So you're like, so you're saying in the play, you'll show up, be like, actually, in another reality, I am the king. And so I can steal this money or whatever. Yeah. Okay, I just want to make sure I understand student concepts. Second question. Did they have diplomatic immunity? They do not my leash.

Got it. Was there anything else? When I get back... A new season of love is blind. Oh, no shit, man, really? Yes. You said we were going to watch that together. Oh, hold on.

My reception on my stuff is getting weird. And he disappears. Drillium Shakespeare says, Who the fuck was that? Is the Merlin? Cool. Ready? Yep.

Yeah. He throws open the book and closes his eyes, and the pages sticking outward towards your party, they start to flip as though blown by a stiff wind, and your feet leave the ground as you're sucked closer and closer into the book. Whoa! You land in a courtyard.

Thud! Of a lofty, palatial estate currently in the throes of some manner of grand ball. Based on your knowledge of Romeo and Juliet, this is the Capulets ball, where Romeo first meets Juliet, and they fall in love. Inside, you see red-clad nobles, waltzing and mingling before a dais where Prince Escalis of Verona sits, having his ear talked off by Lady Capulet.

There's a grumbling red-clad young man watching the proceedings, just with a permanent, wary scowl stuck on his face. Outside, in the courtyard with you three, are two guards in red uniforms who are standing in front of the door into the ballroom. Each of them are holding a halberd and a torch at attention. What do you do? I want to talk to the person of the red jacket. I want to see what their story is.

Okay, there's two guards there. You approached them. They say, uh, invitation, please. Oh. You're here for the Capulets bowl? Yes, I am. My name is Lady, Lady Galtoine, and I'm supposed to be in there. Your name is Lady Lady Godwin. It's a family name.

Crazy. So if you can produce your invitations, I'd be happy to get you along on your way. I'm the king of England, and I draw Scalibur and make the, like, jim's and stuff light up on it. Like, it's a he-man sword. Cool, flex. Roll an intimidation check for me, please.

Unless you're trying to inspire them with your big magic sword. No? No. Is it cheap. You got it, too? So if you've never played D&D before, that's actually one of the worst numbers you can get. It's a cool sword partner.

We're all sort of about halberds now. They're way longer. Fair. Hello. Holy shit, a talking puppet. Actually, I am a turbo cardinal. Interim. And I was asked to do the opening prayer

before the big function tonight. Give me a deception check, please, Brother Philo. Because you were not, in fact, asked to give the opening prayer in Romeo and Julie at the book. Sounds like that might be a religion check. Especially for a party that, as far as I understand it, is already underway.

If you were giving the prayer, I would let you roll a religion check to tell how kick-ass a prayer you gave. But this is a lie and not a prayer. All right. I'll do it. Here's my deception check. I would say a non. Mine was good enough for that.

Well, do you add anything to it? Or is that including the... Okay, one of them says, Oh, yeah, prove it. Do a prayer on me right now. I bet you don't even have enough religion power to do a prayer at me. So should I roll?

Yeah, make a religion check for me. Religion check. You better really pray his nuts off, though, Mac. Pray your nuts off. Pray that guy's balls right off. That's a tan. now he's in trouble with his deity of choice.

Oh, holy father, I don't like that. Put it down. Oh, holy father. Put it down on the table. I won't do any more podcast. I'm not going down like that, Matt. Put it on the table.

You're going to stab yourself. You're going to stab your wiener, Matt. You're a stab your own dick. Give me this. I'm not living in a world where I have a Nerfax and you have this fucking insane little sting here going. So when you said lower, you didn't mean my voice.

Yeah, I'm going to snicker snack this. right over here, Mac. Thank you. Oh, holy father, or mother, if you're more progressive above. Okay. So cool. I love it. Please bless this dalt in the red jacket. Grant him wisdom, grant him intelligence,

but most of all, grant him trust. You were shooting for a 10 out of 20 prayer. I'll say on a 10 out of 20 prayer. The guard says, Sounds legit to me. Go on in, father. Bless you, my son. You two, not so fast.

I did. Thank you so much. Thank you. Sorry, I was about to say I was hiding in his ropes. You didn't let me finish. Oh, yeah. You didn't let me finish to say the whole time I was hiding in his robes because he's so small. So the whole time I was hiding in his robes, he was on my shoulders, he was six feet tall.

Should we demonstrate how that would look? I should have mentioned. I don't know why you'd volunteer that, Mac. Well, I think we should. I mean, this is a live performance. I'm too aware of your spinal idiosyncrasies to recommend you. And the fact that I'm not wearing any underwear under the clothes.

Gross, Matt. Jesus. That's a joke. Go ahead and roll a stealth check for me, please, Lady Godwin, to hide in the robes of the puppet. That is a nine on that one, but with the stealth plus two, 11. You guys got to start rolling funny your fucking numbers. I use a do-over point.

Okay, no, no, no. On an 11, you get under there. And you walk through and the other guard goes, whoa, wait a minute. Look at the dump truck on that priest. Are they both distracted now? They are distracted. They conk their heads together real hard.

Okay. Give me an attack roll. I'll grant you advantage because of how distracted they are by this fucking priest with the generous cake. That's a Nat 20. Jesus. They're dead. No, I don't want to kill them. No, on a Nat 20, you bonk their heads together really, really good.

They both come back from the bonk, stand up, stone-faced. They look at each other, and they look at each other. you, and then they turn and they walk into two adjacent bushes and then fall down unconscious. Good conking, son. You did something crazy to their brains, but you managed to knock them out and get them out of sight, giving you free access to the ballroom. Inside, the grounds are just a dizzying flurry of activity. The parties really hit full-on, critical mass. People are out on the dance floor just twirling and synchronized loops while the prince claps rhythmically with glee. Looking around the room, you see a few folks who stick out like sore thumbs from the rest of the

party goers. There's a young man on the dance floor who's just tearing shit up, not really in step with everyone else. One table of guests is engaged in a particularly raucous conversation led by a young man who appears to be pretty blotto. Seated in a corner surveying the room, nervously is a monk dressed in brown robes with a tight as held tonsure up on top of his head. And of course you see the prince watching the party with a young capulet behind him grimacing and peering out over the crowd. You have to stop Romeo and Juliet from happening. What do you do? I'm going to challenge the young man on the dance floor to a dance battle. Okay.

Are you sure you feel up to it? Well, I'm not really going to do it on the stage, Dad. I'm going to do it in the stage of the mind. I keep trying to add physical bits and nobody goes along with me. He's sick. Why would you give him a physical bit? He's physically hampered right now by his illness. Because I believe in him.

I don't. And McElroy's are not quitters. That's right. Incorrect. You all, I heard that cheer, and then I also heard that moment of reflection after the cheer, like, wait, do I want to cheer for that parenting style?

Do I want to cheer into that grim window into the Macaroy family. Work for Cal Ripkin Jr.'s parents. Wow. I guess. You've chosen the exact audience

for sports humor. Yes. Okay. Mutt, you approach this wild man out on the dance floor. You notice he's not dressed in the same crimson garb as everyone else sort of has.

He has the look of a party crasher about him. and he right now appears to be the subject of this watchful Capulet's eye upon the dais. First of all, if you can give me either a dexterity check, sorry, a dexterity saving throw or a performance check,

just to reach him is going to involve a little bit of getting around all of the dancing that's happening right now. You're sick, so I'll show it. It'll look something like this. Thank you. I'm going to do a dexterity saving throw because I have a plus seven to that.

Okay, cool. Um, mm, mm. It's an 11. Total? But I'm gonna roll again. Why? Because I'm sick. No.

Because he's sick. I want to have a dance battle with the Romeo. Within 11, you get out there. But on your way, there's one couple who is like really, really way too into it. They hit you and knock you down on your butt and this guy sees it. Then I do that move where I kind of wiggle and jump to my feet from the ground with like no hands. Okay, give me an acrobatte. check? You can't just say shit?

No, I want to do... I want to do a dexterity check, please. No, give me an acrobat. I know you're sick, but it's not going to mean anything if we've been the rules. God damn it. What happened? It's a six plus four. You fucking kick your legs up and like almost land up and whop! Right back down on your butt.

The guy comes up and is like, do you need help? Yeah, handsome? He holds down a hand and claps yours and pulls you up. He says I am Benvolio. What up, dude? What's your handle? My name's my volio.

Ah, forsoof. Yeah, let's give him something to talk about. Yes, I can't help but notice you're a ne'er too well like myself. Here to crash the party and feast on the good vibes of these loathsome capulets. Yeah, man. Would you care to dance? Yeah, dude. Okay, he joins you in a dance.

Now just give me a dexterity check because right now you're just trying to mirror this guy's movements. You do not know what dance he is. Unless you want to make a history check to see if you know the old dance that Vindvolio's doing. That's a 17 plus 724.

Perfect. You match with him. Perfectly. He says, mine a name is Benvolio servant of the house of Montague and Romeo Montague's very best friend. Is it weird? I introduce myself like that?

No, man, I'm the king of England. Wowzers. Yeah, bud. Wait, is Romeo here? Is Romeo here? You can tell me, bud. Why would Romeo Montague be at a cap? Hold on.

Oh, yeah, right. Whoa. Hey, Griffin, that was really good dancing, man. He says, you matched... Hey, why are you guys laughing? I saw several of you laughing. It's weird. Okay.

He says, wow. You matched my crumping beef. for beat. He said, why would a Montague be at a capulet function? It seems like you guys are a bunch of bad boys, you know what I mean? Hmm.

Give me a maybe just a charisma check. You're laying it on here trying to ingratiate yourself. With binvolio. It's cocked. Well, respect it. Okay. Now, that's good.

It's a one. That's, hey, listen, that is funnier. You got to say that, Griffin. You said you wanted funny numbers. He says, I've never even heard of Ramio. What? Don't even know anyone by that name. All right, cool, dude.

Hey, I found out about an after party. No. Yeah, man, if you want to get some folks together. Of course, it's probably the after party I totally know about. Yeah, 100% man. The one at... The church. The church.

The one on Elm? No, no, no. Which one is it? The one on Elm East. Oh, that was weird. A weird exchange we just had. Of course. And what time, like what time?

Well, I mean, here's the thing. You've thrown this guy off. He is off his groove. He is concerned that there's a party happening. He does not know that. Yeah, don't spread this around, ma'am. But there's people over there now with like, I heard they've got drugs you've never even heard of, man.

Drugs? Yeah, it's called like Queen Mab. Sorry, friend. This is your one, your one charisma check. I'm straight edge, and he dances away from you. Let's jump over to you two. Do I see any young ladies in the crowd? You too.

You see a lot of capulets, a lot of, you assume. I'll wander over to some. and the young ladies, excuse me, I hate to be a bother. Do any of you know, Rosalind? Okay. One of them looks up from her little fancy finger cakes and says, Yes, I'm Rosalind, what do you want? Forsooth, I don't recognize you.

I've got some bad news, Rosalind. There's a hurricane named Juliet, and she's coming for your man. It's time to batter down the hatches, sister. We've got to get everything ship's shape, and we've got to get that man. It's a sentiment, very popular and cool. We're going to go get that man. Do what it ever it takes.

This is not a lie, so I'm not going to make you roll deception. However, you, with all of your knowledge of high society politics and stuff, you know that you just walked into the Hornets Nest, and we're like, what's up? I'm in charge. And so I'm going to need a persuasion check from you. It is something you are sort of familiar with in this space. I will grant you advantage.

Excellent. That's not the right time. I'll do the one with 20 numbers on it. Thank you. That is a 16 plus 319 or a 18 plus 321. Oh, yeah. With a 21, Rosalind sets down her tiny cake and stands up and walks close to you and says, For Sue, you mean to tell me that my own kin is trying to swoop my bow?

It's not intentional. We mean to support women. I'm just saying there's you to look after too. So what, I mean, what should I? What should I do? matron? Tell him about it. Tell him all the ways you feel. Give him every reason

to accept that you're for real. It's simply not. Let's give them something to talk about. Go to Romeo. Tell him how you feel. My kindly old maid, I... It is simply not...

Let's be careful. We can always be kind, can't we? There's always time to be kind. Have I been unkind and not? Well, it for me to call out the misbehavior of others, that's rather rude, but I'm just saying maybe everyone in the room should think about how often they're calling others old. Of course, madam, forsooth and a nun. I will... Say for sooth one more time. See it one more time.

I will go fine, my suitor, and remind him which side upon which his bread doth be buttered. and she walks away and then she walks back and she's like that was a gross metaphor it dies with me okay sorry who are you this is a capulate function

and I do not recognize you lovely young matron yes my name is Sella Jessica Parker Lady

Sarah Jessica It is I will say The third Fairly Okay Of Deben Shire Okay My name is Lady Sarah Jessica

Gapaka The third of Deben Shire For real And that's it That's all there is in it I'm sure I've thought about it That's it

I hate to do this to you But I do At this point you're lying so hard. I will need a deception check from you. If you just lie about your name, I'll let that slide. If you lie really hard about your name. Okay, so

that is a nine plus zero. Okay. I think my fair madam, you added some shit on there at the inn, but I will go and track down my man and remind him of which bread he... Nope.

Well, I... We're just going to tell him that we like him and would like to kiss him on the mouth. That's it. Just me, just make you know stuff. I must away for suit. I got to buy. And she goes running off.

You see her run outside. She goes outside. Runs away. She seems nice. You hear her shouting from outside. You hear, what about you, brother Philo? What about you, Brother Philo?

What are you doing? Brother Philo makes a beeline for the the person dressed like him. Okay. Great. You walk over to the corner where you see this humble-garbed monk, who at a glance appears to be very uncomfortable in this party surrounding. He is definitely not joining in the revelry, and you can't help but wonder what a man of the cloth is doing at a rager like this in the first place, which is, I had that written down actually a pretty hypocritical thing of you to think, I will say.

Well, yeah, that's my son. Yeah, man. Judge not, brother. He says, uh, greetings, my child, comest thou to give thine. Wait a minute. You look like me. Yes. I am, uh, I am brother Philo. And I am like you. Ah, my brother in Christ. And humble, yes. Right? I'd show you my cross, but he took it away from it. Is Friar Lawrence also a puppet? Uh, no, sorry, hold on. Holy shit. You're

A puppet! Sorry. Yes, I know. Oh, hold on, hold on. Sorry. Hey, Jesus. Sorry, about cussing. It's been a minute. It's been a minute. I feel like I'm owed one. Anyway, amen.

Thanks. I don't think that's enough. I think I need to take your confession for you saying shit. Ah, shit. You did it twice. So by the rules,

I take your confession now. All right, let's do a mutual confession. I can tell that you're not particularly comfortable here in these circumstances. The party? Yes. Not my thing. Is there a vestibule anywhere where we could sit and mutual... You know, as luck would have it, they have a confession vestibule on the grounds of the Capulet Manor.

Please, let us go. Let us go and confess to each other. Sounds good to me, man. Left booth or right booth? All right, so we go into the booth? Sure, yeah. I mean, he asked you a booth. You don't answer, so he just kind of looks weird and goes in the left booth. Okay.

So who's going to go first, my brother in Christ? You're on board with Christ, right? Oh, yeah. Cool, cool. I'm down. I'm down with... That hasn't ever been established in Tasversus' Strachia. I'm down with J.C.

He's just all right with me. You're actually an order of St. Tancred. Yeah, give me a deception. You're lying about what God you're on? I'm not lying. So you've got to be real careful about jokes, Dad. Griffin's getting him to be a real sickler. Yeah, I can really...

He'll make you roll for jokes now. It's messed them. We'll roll a charisma check in a bit. You're in the booth, he says, so you're at two cusses? Why don't you go first? Give me the confession. Very well.

My best. Can we join hands? No, we're in two different booths. You asked. No, there's a glory hole in the middle. There is a... For God's glory. Can I have some more wine, Paul, please.

There is a slot. Okay, yeah, it's the hand slot for holding hands, I guess. Oh, thank you. What do you have to confess, my brother? I will tell you. Thank you, Paul. I am... Griffith just called for that when I'm looking at a timer

that says we're supposed to break in two minutes. No way. This act is going away. The exact is going way over that, baby. All right. I hope you all are comfortable. I take his hands and I look at him and say, I am about to commit a sin.

And I catch shocking grasp. What? Heck yeah, dude. You're certainly... Non-lethally. Yeah. Non-lethally. Make us melee spell attack roll against the target.

You have advantage on the attack roll of the target's wearing armor made of metal. I'll say he does have on a metal cross. So take advantage on... your role. That's not what the traditional read of the spell is, but... He also has a lot of fillings. So what am I rolling? You're rolling a D20 plus your spell casting modifier.

13 plus 3. 16, yeah. Okay, you shock him really good. He's going to go ahead and take 1D8 lightning damage, and he can't take reactions until the start of his next turn. Whoever thought that Friar Lawrence would have a turn in Dungeons and Dragon? Roll 1D8 lightning damage, please. 1D8.

I'll roll it. Oh, no. What was that noise, Mario? Which knocks him out. Right? No. Look at the timer. He does.

He goes, ow! Fuck, shit. Out! It's just shocking grasp, Mac. He goes, Why did you do that, my brother? That hurts a great deal. It was static from the road.

I'm sorry. I mean, I guess we're here to confess stuff to... Can I go now? I am sorry. I apologize. It's fine. It is your turn in the turn order. Yeah, right. He holds his hands through the hole, and he's like,

okay, time for me to give my confession, I suppose. I wasn't done. But turn order does to have other sins. Yeah, but now it's his turn. I mean, there's just combat. Now, you understand? Oh, right, right. He initiated a combat with Friar Lawrence from Maria Juliet,

so now he's got to take his turn in the combat against you in Gary Gygax's Dungeons and Dragons. This is, do not put his name on what's happening on this stage today. He takes your hands, he says, okay, my turn, let me think, psal, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, p, s, oh, okay, one little thing. I have given unto Juliet, to counsel most unwise in fearing for her arranged patrol with the Count Paris she inquired of a means of looking dead, so she canst flee with her beloved Montague by birth, who she only met like eight minutes hence. But I gave unto young Juliet

a foolhardy tinked shore whose poency you may find difficult to believe with put a drop upon thine tongue thou slippest into a slumber most deep to a passing eye thou wouldst appearst graveyard dead. Other than that though, I'm doing pretty, I cussed six times. So he's already done, so he's already done the stuff. He's in the play. He's already done it? Because I was getting pretty excited because I thought dad was about to toast his ass and then we were going to make the leap home because if he's dead, they can't kill each other, no sad stuff. Do you have any more of the sleeping draft left? You, you holding? I assume you do, because you, You know, didn't know how many people you'd have to administer it to, correct?

I always carry a little bit of feign death potion around with me where I go. It gets me out of a lot of scrapes with Johnny Law, if you know what I'm saying. Yes. Sure, you want a little bit of tink show, brother? No, but your penance will be to drink that draft. What? That's crazy, too. I trust me.

I love it. No, I do trust you implicitly. But you do, you promise you'll tell someone I'm not really dead, right? I will tell them. Absolutely. They'll throw my ass. Drink up. Drink up, Shrinner.

I don't want to go in the, like, the fires. No, I will tell everybody that you're not. They'll put him in the black death trash can. As a matter of fact. If they put me in a black death trash can, you promised to say something. No, no, no, no. Just to be sure, show me the antidote, so I'll know to give it to you. Antidote, the antidote is two nights of the best fucking sleep you'll ever have, Mr.

Seven times. Sorry. Sorry, Jesus. Make a persuasion check to get this vial of sleeping draft off of him, please. Okay. A persuasion check would be... Oh, that can't be right! What do we do? I'm going to use...

It's a one. It's a one, so let's move forward with that. Everything hinges on this. I know, that's why it's so funny that it's a one. He starts to drink it, and the vial drops out of his hand smashes on the floor. I run over and I jam a chair under the handle of the confession so he can't get out. Okay. That's weird.

Sorry, I dropped my thing. But the door is stuck on my confessional. Could you get out and help me out? I was going to say, I prefer for our tuck. And then I was going to shove the chair underneath. Okay. That's weird. I don't know why you would say that person outside.

So if you could just let me out, because I did drop the potion and I can't drink it unless I lap it up like a nasty dog. Yeah. And I'm not going to do that no matter what. No, yeah, I understand that. I tell you what, this is a confessional, so I assume it is soundproof. So instead, as a bonus action, I cast Alter Self.

Okay. On myself. Okay. Now we're cooking. I thought you took, Dad, backstage, Amanda told you, without a moment's hesitation, that you look like a penis right now. And I thought you took that off. That's someone, Dad, I want to say, that's someone we pay.

Like, technically she works for us, and she told our dad you look like a penis. So I thought you had taken that off. I mean, when you asked Amanda, this is true, Amanda helped him put it on, and she looked at him, and dad said, how's the look? And I said, well, it looks stupid. It's awesome. And he said, uh, and then she said, well, you wanted it to look stupid. And he said, yeah. And she said, well, it looks stupid.

And so now how stupid do I look since I now have a tonsure? Yeah, no. Just like Father Lawrence. Yeah, Father Joey Lawrence. He says, I do like your cut. So if you could just get out and let me out of my confessional, this potion, actually, some of the vapors are starting to float up here. Yeah. Getting a little funky.

No, I'm out of here. here. Okay. And he leaves. You leave the confessional. You hear the door rattle outside, the chair wiggles a little bit, and it's making quite a bit of noise. What do you do, I said the confessional on fire. No. Jesus Christ. Take that. I say, shh. Give me a fucking persuasion check. The most terse persuasion I've ever heard. A sh is just a request for someone to be quiet. It does depend on the tone of the shush, too, on what role it is, right?

Like an intending shush. 19. Okay. Okay. That was that, so that was a persuasive, argumentative, shush. Yes. Not a scary shush. You hear silence from inside the booth for a moment,

and then you hear, oh, fuck. As he falls down to the ground, Father Joey Breyer Lawrence is, friar Lawrence is out of commission. Now I move the chair. What's that? Now I move the chair. Or is he?

No, it is. Alter self to look like Father Lawrence. Is that what you're doing? Yes! Okay. Please don't yell on the mic anymore. Friorne steps out, it's you, of the confessional booth. The other one is in the other side of the booth.

You've moved the door. Now, I guess, just hope no one goes in to do a contest. I hang an out-of-order sign on it. Yeah. men confessing We've got one of those yellow things Now it's the connection to God is loose We've got to tighten that back up

Your reception's being weird With the look You step away from hanging up this side I will say you kind of put the last English On this ball of changing the story of Romeo and Juliet As that happens Does an 18 beat your AC

Who are you speaking to it? I'm talking to me Yes But. Yes, it does. And 18 beats your AC. What were you looking at as you stepped away from the book? The bright future ahead of me, baby.

You were just looking ahead of you? I was looking at the table of raucous party boys. You were looking at the table of raucous party boys. Okay. You are going to take eight points of piercing damage. Okay. And you feel that, just from a moment. moment. And then that pain is like, whatever, man. Was there even any pain to begin with?

Looking over at this table of raucous partygoers, you see this, this raucous drunken man who looks rather tipsy, and you look over there and you find yourself just entranced, charmed by them. Brother Philo, does a 13 beat your AC, brother Philo? Um, yes. He didn't even have his character sheet loaded. I did. What the fuck? What kind of like?

It's literally, I want to record for history. His iPad right now at this moment is just pictures of snowflakes. I wish. I wish. Justin, can you unfuck whatever? Like, that's, Mac, that's a new low, man. That's crazy. You can't be on stage with a Windows 95,

Screen saver. And it won't go away. I'm looking at real people in the crowd. Real people that pay real money to be here. And I'm telling you my dad's iPad is just snowflakes, guys. It's just snowflakes. Let's just say no that it didn't hit. As punishment, it does hit.

Oh. Perhaps because of your unique material composition, you hear a sound, a thim-w-w-y-w-w-ound. You do not feel any other, ill effects aside from four points of piercing damage. Lady Godwin. Yep. That is a three.

Does not beat your AC, I am assuming. It doesn't. Mine is 14. I know that as well as I know my own name, Griffin. You look around and you see one of the women that was part of sort of Rosalind's posse sort of reacts with a start and then stands up and looks around the room and then you see kind of walks towards the prince

out of nowhere. From outside, everything okay over there because it looks like you're trying to hack dad's fucking files. It's all good stuff, Gryffit. I'm almost through the ice, baby. You all see Rosalyn run back in the room

and she is weeping. She is so bummed out. and she runs up to you. And she's like, I found him. I found him, Lady Sarah Jessica Parker the third of Yorkshire.

Sorry, of Debenshire. That was a test who passed. What a relief. I found him, but he said he's, quote, all about Juliet now. Oh, no. And that I should take a hike. Oh.

But anyway, If you want to find him, he's over by the balcony for some reason. We'll take a break here. We'll be right back. After a brief intermission, there's posters in the lobby. Please go check them out. They're very cool. We'll be back in a few minutes.

Hello, thank you for coming back. Before we get going with Act 2 of our show, we moved time. I'm sorry we didn't have enough music for you to triumphfully walk on stage. We made you saddle on in silence, I apologize. We have posters out in the lobby. You can grab them after the show. If there's any left, thank you to Maddie, who designed the posters for us.

They're amazing. We also have some challenge coins out there for Mbim Bam listeners with both year themes. You really get your money's worth. And all proceeds go to Feeding Tampa Bay. We don't have a confidence monitor out here this time. So let's get right back into it. Absolutely.

So we're at the balcony, right? You have made your way toward the balcony following Rosalind's tip. You make your way out through the courtyard, and you are standing at the foot of a 10-foot-high stone wall. Beyond it, you can hear two voices engaged in passionate conversation. The balcony scene that you all know is happening right now, some 20 feet beyond the wall. What do you do? There is nothing these clowns hate more than a wall that gets in their way. The way their minds work is they're always inventing the most preposterous solution to any problem.

So wall really throws them for a loop. Yeah. We heckle. You heckle the wall? No, we heckled the speech. I'm going to, check this out. I'm going to use my athletics skill to climb. the wall.

What? Listen, no, no, no, no. This is important because you're probably thinking, because of my heritage as a barbarian and some of my physical attributes, I have a talent for athletics. So that's reflected in an increased score when I roll. If you've never played D&D before. If you never played D&D.

Okay, give me an athletics roll as you start to climb. Son of a bitch. I mean, okay, I roll an eight plus six, 14 to get over a 10-foot wall. Absolutely. With your barbaric might, you are able to find grooves in the cobbles to climb over. You drop down into the bushes on the other side of the wall. I didn't say that. Oh, okay.

I throw a rope down that I also have in my adventure gear to help my fellow adventurers scale the wall. You reach into something the three of you all have, which is at this point, a cobweb covered adventurers kit with a bunch of shit in it. Is this hemp and rope? You open up a tinderbox and 12 cockroaches climb out of it. Like, oh, fuck! These are material components for Bordecai's magical watch talk. Let's get in here. And you hand down some rope.

Your two compatriots now have a much easier way of getting up over the wall. I summon a gorilla. Using summon beast. Travis said to us backstage, we don't have to move at rain pace. but I am feeling pretty bad, so don't stretch it out. Your solution for climbing the wall is summon a fucking gorilla.

I love it. So he doesn't feel that bad, is what you're saying. A gorilla appears in front of you. A spiritual gorilla. It is a, he's, yeah, he has that vibe. He's so soulful, is it deeply, deeply. He lands in front of me, he was like, hmm. Hmm.

Yeah. He is looking towards you for, any kind of... He immediately goes fucking crazy and starts just tearing shit up. Take me over the wall, man. Give me an animal handling check with advantage. This is your

own spirit gorilla. I don't know if that's how this works, but it's how it works today. Maybe really taking your time with these rocks. I have advantage. Thank God. Okay, so what was it, animal handling? Yes, please.

So 13 plus... There's a rope. All right, 13 plus 7. A gentleman's 20. A gentleman's 20. The gorilla looks at you, looks at the wall. Don't cheer. There's a rope. He says, no problem, boss.

And he scoops you up and throws you over his shoulder, leaps over the wall without using the rope. He looks at the rope. He says, not for me! And he goes up over the wall. Thank you, sir, bananas. sets you down in the bushes on the other side of the wall hidden from the scene taking place and then looks at you like, what other stuff you got for me?

Listen, he's going to blow our cover, so I tackle him. The gorilla? The tackle the gorilla. Shh, be quiet. Okay, make an attack roll against the spiritual gorilla. God, if you had a dollar for every time he said that, huh? That's a 10. Man.

Total? Just like 10. No, it's 10 plus 6. 16. Yeah, 16, you swipe your axe downward through the head of the gorilla and he... Non-lethal.

He disappears into a puff of ether. He's not real. Okay, I just was trying to get it in there. All right, now you're... I summon him back. He reappears. Airbus! What's that lady's deal?

Just be chill, man. What? Okay, go over there and kind of distract them for a while. we figure out what to do. No problem. Before that happens, brother Philo, you're alone and you look like a human.

Before you there, two choices. A rope and a gorilla, you could beg the first. No, the gorilla's off doing his own thing now because of Travis's choices and actions. Okay, then I'll do the obvious thing and cast levitate. Yeah, sure. You levitate right next to the rope. You go up over it.

I'm using it like a guide, so I know what direction to go. Okay, that's great. Which is up. I reach in my adventures kit. I get the oil for my lamp, and I use it to set the rope on fire. You hit him with the old Kevin McAllister

burning rope trick, but nothing happens because he is levitating. So your rope is destroyed. It's a great purpose in the universe fulfilled. Hover over the wall, I will say with the guiding rope before it burns up. You don't have to worry about going too high

and blowing your cover. You do, as you mount the wall, see a gorilla just run over there, and he is going to attack Romeo. On the ground, you see Romeo say, with love, slight wings did I? No killing, sir Nanners. That will be very distracting.

You hear, as he is going on, you shout that. He says, sorry, is this a, oh, my God, and the gorilla's going to attack him. I'm going to think. But I said no killing. Okay, you do say no killing. He'll hear that.

He is a gorilla. Give me an animal handling check as you shout out to him. No killing. I'll grant you advantage on this. It says it obeys your verbal commands. Okay, well then fine. He won't kill him.

But he is going to hit him. Okay. And if he dies as a result of that, that's kind of out of his hands. He's a gorilla. I don't have Romeo's AC written down here, but it's almost certainly lower than 14 plus gorilla strength.

So you see, rope you go, for stony limits cannot hold love out and what love can do that, and the gorilla just grabs him by the ankles and swings him overhead and smashes him down into the ground. You hear Juliet from the balcony shout like, what the? I see Juliet in the balcony and I reach for my rope. No problem. It's gone. What are the rest of you doing? I can't. I run to Romeo's side. Okay. By this point, the gorilla has called off the attack, knowing he can't kill. It's not fun for him anymore. So he just kind of walks up, do you dismiss him or how long does your gorilla last? He just walks off into the forest. I send him home to the spiritual realm. Okay. He walks off

into some nearby corn field of dream style. She, sorry, what were you doing, Friar Lawrence? runs to his side. Okay, as you run into view of the torchlight, Juliette says, Is that a friar Lawrence? Friolence, what's happening? A wild ape beast has attacked my love, Romeo, and on? Oh, yes. Why are you speaking in such a strange manner?

That's how I remembered his voice from the first act of the show. No, my friar in Christ, it was nothing like that. Hold on! And I run ahead, kneel at Romeo's side. He looks up at you, Is Juliet still there? Did I shit my pants? Hold on, let me check.

Okay. Oh, God. Give me either an investigation or a medical check as you look over Romeo to see if he shit his pants. Boy, this is one I don't want to do well. Medical. That would be...

Nat 20. Nat 20. Just when I needed it most. You did. With a nat 20... Show me that shit. As he climbs to his knees, you can see he did not soil himself.

You do notice, as you are giving him a look over, there is something wrong with the back of his head. There's something strange happening there that you can't quite put a finger on. I put my finger on it. Within that 20 medical check, you reach to kind of feel what's going on there. Your hand touches something invisible

as it does the illusion breaks. There is the shaft and fletching of an arrow sticking out of the back of Romeo's head that was invisible just a moment ago. Now you feel it there. And he says, thank you for all right as rain. So anyway, alack there lies more peril. Wait, wait, wait, hold it.

Do you know that you have an arrow sticking out of the back of your hand? He looks at you like you're off your fucking nut, man. I pull it out. It's okay. The arrow out of his head. Yeah, no. Stop back. You're embarrassing.

Get your mind out of the gutter. Some of you have parents. You vassals. Describe the manner in which you're removing this arrow. You got to push it through the other side. Oh, no. I'm just going to jerk it out. Jerk it out.

No, no, stop it. You fucking freaks. Show me jerk it out. I'm going to say straight up strength check then, please. Give me a straight up strength. Wow. Okay. Couldn't I heal him or something?

No, no, no. Okay, strength check. I mean, if you want to heal him, yeah, man, it's Dungeons and Dragons. That would be a more normal-ass thing for you to do. But the arrow will still be in there. Yeah, good point, then. That's a great point, Griffin. No matter what healing is about to take place,

job one is getting this. fucking arrow out, man. All right, give me a strength check. Strength, here we go. That's a six. Okay, you jump up on his back and grab this arrow and tug it backwards, and he goes,

he says, and but thou love me, let that! What are you doing to me back there? I am punishing you for your lost. My, Is that how it works?

Yes. In my order, yes. He looks around and he's like, man, that hurt a lot. I don't know if all this is worth it. Well, let me tell you something. There is something wrong with you in the fact that you have an arrow in the back of your head. An arrow in the back of my head. He starts screaming bloody murder.

And Juliet looks down. Now that you've said that the illusion breaks from, her two. And the other two there, you can see it now. There is a big arrow sticking out of the back of his head. He is screaming, running around the yard. Juliett doesn't know what to do. Like, get it out! Get it out!

Or don't get it out. I don't know. I'm not a detrave. I'm the strongest one. I'll pull it out of his head. Okay. Give me a strength check, please. Cassie sees you walking towards him. He's like, no, no, don't do it again. Don't do it again. That's okay. No big deal. No problem. I rolled a 17

plus 320. Yeah. You hear one last shriek and then, that's actually a lot better now. Thank you. He stands up. He's like, well, that hurt a great deal. I should probably head to the Italian hospital

and get this scene too. Thank you so much. And you up there, I guess thanks. So whatever, man. He starts to just walk away nonchalantly, away from Juliet, who's like, but wait, my fair Romeo, thou art the east, and, ah, fuck, wait, no.

Where are you going? Don't just walk away. She seems really upset. Romeo's just kind of fucking dipping. No problem. I mean, okay. It's better. I'm going to walk with him.

You start to walk towards him. I need actually all three of you to make a dexterity saving throw, please. 15 plus 2, 17. With a, okay, yeah, cool. The other two? 11 plus 7, 18. Yeah, absolutely. 8 plus 1, 9.

Hey, dad, you didn't even hesitate, dude. You added this together instantly. Nice going. I'm good at math. Yeah. I'm just not dexterized. Yeah. The two of you see shadows cast by the moonlight overhead.

It seems like a flock of passing birds. You recognize, wait, there's no birds. These are dangerous and we need to move. You step out of the way instinctively and you hear and see the grass at your feet bend and break as a flurry of something just crashes into the ground next to you. Brother Philo, you are not so quick. You are struck by these air. You take nine points of piercing damage.

However, you stand from being struck, you look down, you can see the arrows sticking out of you. You can see from the little gaps in your wooden body, little pink secretions coming out from where the arrows are sticking into you. There appears to be no other ill effect. I'm going to make a dexterity saving throw for Romeo. That's a three. He gets hit by all of these. all of these arrows, and unfortunately he looks over at you, Brother Philo, who was walking with him and is like, Friar Lawrence, what's your story, man?

Well, I am from the Order of St. Tancred. We are probably the best of all of the orders, and I would think that it would be probably a good idea for you to join us. Oh, with Dadios like yourself in the order, I shall get me to a nunnery. More like a funnery, it sounds like, am I right? With your struggle with lust, perhaps a vow of chastity would not be the worst thing? Or maybe all I need is a little relief. I'm gonna step away from this scene immediately. Are we still pink secreting?

No. Okay, I see the pink, can I clock the pink secretions? Yes, you can. Okay, thank you. I'm gonna go over and like dip my finger in the pink and put my, like, Make a constitution saving throw for me, please. 16 plus 2, 18. Okay, with a 16 plus 2, 18, you dab your finger in it, you taste it.

It has a cloyingly sweet taste to it. You feel like a shiver pass through you that at first feels kind of good, and you're looking at Romeo like, I'm wonder what Romeo's up to right now, and then that feeling, you're strong barbaric constitution pushes it aside, you realize there is the act of some sort of psychic poison, some sort of psychotropic emotional poison that has just acted upon you that you've just fought off. I'll look at the arrow that I have. The one that I pulled out, does it seem to be, the one that I pulled out, does it seem to be, I don't know, denatured or depowered or whatever? It has delivered its stuff. Okay. Didn't want to say payload.

Yeah, they want to say payload. You all hear a scream come from back inside the ballroom and a bunch of voices screaming as some kerfuffle has brood in your absence. Romeo says, what's soft! What scream from yonder ballroom breaks! And he takes off, right? He runs to the wall and he opens up a little gate that you guys just didn't see and runs through it and you see him disappear into the ballroom.

And Juliet looks pretty bummed out. And she just kind of walks off back into her. bedroom. You hear more screaming from inside. What do you do? I go into the ballroom. Do I see the gate? Yeah, everyone can see the gate now. And you all feel like assholes. Okay, you all race back

into the ballroom. You find a gory scene. You see a man on the ground dead. It is the drunk party goer that you saw earlier and thought looking pretty good. It was Mercutio, but you

You didn't meet him, but he's dead now. I just saw six of you all nodding. Like, I thought it was Mercutio. And you see standing over him that grumpy-looking Capulet from the stage, holding a rapier dripping with his blood. You assume, hey, that's probably tibbled since he famously kills Mercutio. He shouts, Let it be known, kinsman, this knave didst attend this party with the son of a Montague

and drew his blade upon me when I talk shit about. out said Montague. Ah, there's the devil now, Romeo, I shall. But Romeo just runs in and just like, with sword forward, runs him through, and Tibble falls to the ground dead. And everyone's looking around. Oh, wait, Griffin, I was going to do something.

Romeo, don't. Okay. Give me a persuasion check. He's running forward like, ah! No. What was it? It's like a six plus something.

He looks at you like, no, I want to. Okay. He runs Tibalt through, and everyone's standing up. Some people are just like running for the entrance. Others are like running to attend to Romeo. You hear another shrill scream. You see Juliet standing in the middle of the ballroom.

She surveys the situation for a moment, sees that Romeo has just killed someone. Romeo looks at her and is like, whatever, man. And she looks around, she pulls out the vial of poison and drinks it and gulps it, and then falls down, seemingly dead on the ground. And Romeo looks at her and is like, that was weird.

Anyway. Can I say one thing? Yes, go ahead. Rosalind's looking good. Do you think I thought? He looks over at Rosalind. You see him. Look down at the ground as an arrow.

He shoots and sticks into the ground. He says, well, that was weird. The second arrow does get him. In the back, and then he's like, oh, he looks over at Juliet, and he's like, oh, bummer! And he walks over, and he pulls out his own little leather flask of poison, and he's like, this shit's real. No, but that one's not.

That's not real. She's not really dead, man. Look at her. She's dead. I spin kick it out of his hand. Make an attack roll. I have spin kick. It could be a defensive spin kick.

I'm just saying not all spin kick. kick or attacks. They're a defensive spino life-saving spin kick. They're romantic spin kicks to woo.

There can be a lot of different two B verbs than a spin-k serving. Yeah. Give me that. Please make it high. Good news, Griffin.

It is a 14 plus 620. Yeah. With a 20, you spin kick the flask out of his hand, even though it was a leather bag with a 20, it shatters as it hits the wall.

And it just leaves like a burning sort of splotch of acid. And he's like, Jesus Christ! Yes, it was no good. So glad I did not put that in my body. Griffin, can I track where that arrow that hit him, the direction that came from? Ooh, very good.

By using locate object. Sure, yes. Give me, I guess that's not a roll or anything like that. So I described the object. So if they fire that, they must have a quiver of other arrows. So I'm looking for similar arrows. Okay. Yes, that's great.

Because you can see this arrow and you know. know what it looks like. Your keen ranger tracking senses allow you to see other arrows in this room. You can see them in little jangly bundles floating around. There's about a half dozen of these bundles of arrows now just kind of floating around through the air. There means of conveyance you cannot quite identify. Anything else you want to do? Yes, I'm going to then cast a snaring strike. Okay. And fire my crossbow at the arrows. At the arrows. Fantastic. I love that so much. You will incur no penalty for this, since you have a pretty good idea of where you are aiming. I believe this is just a ranged attack role that you are making. When you do this,

you see as the crossbow comes out, all of the arrows come to an immediate, panicked stop. I'm going to give you advantage on this role for catching whatever is happening. you hear by surprise. The first one is an 18 total. Yes. And the second one is... You're firing off a couple. Well, you said I got advantage.

Oh, yes, you're right. So 11. Okay, 18. We'll do the 18, and with your permission. Thank you. You fire out an arrow, and it sticks in the air right in front of one of these bundles of arrows. And you hear... As that happens, all of you look up and see the crossbow bolt floating in the air, and then you see what is around it.

I cast ensnaring strike. Vines first, I guess. You see the vines, the resulting vines of the insuring strike. You just see vines and vines and vines and you think there can't be anyone beneath all these crazy vines. So you need to roll a strength save beta 15. That's a five. So no. You see these vines reach up and grasp around where this crossbow bolt and the bundle of arrows is floating in the air.

The arrows that you hit were the largest and most sort of threatening looking of all. Vines reach up, pull them down to the ground. As that happens, all things invisible in this room come into view. First of all, all the other bundles of arrows, there's six of them floating in the air. You see, appear in front of them wings and chubby little bodies. And you think at first, like, oh, it's like little cherubs, but instead of faces, they have anatomically correct hearts for heads. and there's a half dozen of them surrounding the vines where you can see ensnared an actual angel on the ground.

They have a shit ton of wings, like way more wings than you'd think they'd have, and a massive long bow that dwarfs the short bows held by the cherubs surrounding them. Oh, no. It's my one fear, biblically accurate angels. You hear a choir of voices come out.

out of this entity that says, You have spoiled everything. When I found this work by Thrillium, it was lacking in message and purpose, and now it has purpose. An object lesson that sometimes love gets a little toxic. That's something to aspire to. How can you truly love another person

without being willing to die for someone you literally met like two days ago? No, but you made the story all crazy and back. What do you mean? They're just children. I mean, it's terrible. Yeah, Juliet's 14. There's a version of the story

where it's all happy and everything's great. That sounds excellent. The sky tears open. You see Thrillium Shakespeare's face fucking appear and poke into the room and he says, actually, in this version,

everyone's a fully grown adult. It's fucking weird any other way, I think. And in Bono Boys' road trip to Verona, everyone's a grown-up. That's important for, Okay, I gotta go. So I was actually really confused about one thing, and I do want to touch on that real quick.

They are fully grown adults. That was my mistake, and I do apologize. He comes back in. Every time I come in to talk to you, it hurts my body so much. Are you in you? That's what I'm trying. You're like reaching into your own consciousness?

I'll explain later. It hurts so bad to do this. He disappears back into the, light fold. Wait, why did he? That time he just popped in to say how much it hurt. Why did he do that?

Why did you do that? He comes back. Did you guys figure out who's doing all this bad stuff? Yeah, it's an angel. Six cupids, I think. Cube? As you say the name, the angel

looks at you like, you know my name. Now you have power over me. Them's the rules. he draws his long bow, as do his fellow chair. Let's roll initiative, please. Oh, 18. 18 for Lady Godwin.

I got five total. Not great, not great. How are we looking there, Philo? Oh, of course. 19. Okay. With a 19. I love that.

Philo's like, stand back, guys. I know exactly what to do. I've been in situations like this before. Let me go first. All right. First in the order is, of course. Brother Philo. Brother Philo, what do you do?

Philo casts Milf's acid arrow. Great. At Cupid. Okay, at what level? Second. Okay. That's a one spice. I didn't think I knew a danger.

No, I would assume you would know what that means, Clint. Yeah. Give me your range spell attack roll, which I hope you know how to do after talking shit. Nineteen. Yes, a 19, absolutely. hits. Give me the damage roll on Melf's Acid Arrow. And I want to congratulate all of us for not

making a Miltf joke. This is literally the first fucking time we ever made it through that without it. Ten, eleven years. I think we're finally growing guys. It feels so good. That was a lot of vamping dad to get you to. I know it went away while I was waiting for it. Yeah, there's just more snow now. It's just snow and snow and snow. Oh, that can't be right. Eleven, yeah. Eleven. Eleven. 11 points of acid damage. You blast Cupid right in the chest with the bolt of acid. You see some of it gets on his left wing

and starts to sizzle through some of the feathers. Stupid Cupid. He looks hurt. Lady Godwin, you're up next. What do you do? I am going to throw Jennifer Myers at the damaged wing. Oh, okay.

And yeah, all right, It's the only axe target had. Like, you don't have to be mean about it. It's a Minecraft axe, okay? It's the only one Target had. Okay, Justin. Okay, so give me an attack roll, please, with your stats on Jennifer Myers,

an axe most potent. Not a Lego axe from Minecraft. Okay, no, not a Lego axe from Minecraft. Your roll. I roll a 14 plus 620. Yes, a 20 hits Cupid. He is also restrained. It is not the most difficult target to strike.

Eight damage with that. Okay. You chop it right in the wing where some of the acid had melted away. Now there's a pretty good chunk taken out of that wing. It screams in a thousand voices and you all go insane.

No, just kidding. Is it still flying? No, it's been pulled down to the ground. Okay, thank goodness, all right. But, oh, wait, you have another attack Yes, I'm going to do the exact same thing to the wing. I really want to get that wing off. Sure, sure, sure.

I should point out, biblically accurate angel, more than two wings. Oh, that's true. Between five to six wings, it's crazy. Let's go for a quick spin kick to the head of Cupid. Perfect. The wing of the neck, as I always say. The body's most important wing, the head. That is a five plus six.

And 11 does not do it. I didn't think so, okay. The head is way smaller than you thought it was going to be, and your foot passes right over. Whoa, your head is small. It shrieks in a thousand voices to go insane and die. Yeah, wow. Next in the order is Cupid.

First of all, Cupid's going to take some damage. Roll 1D6 for me, please. Mut, you were ready. That's five. Five, all right. not quite bloodied yet. Cupid does look pretty bummed out at the mini hits as taken

in the last two and a half seconds. It, however, is going to make a strength check to try to free itself. Does a 16 beat your spell safety? Yep. Okay, it pulls itself... Spell save is 15. It pulls itself out of the vines

and lifts back up off into the air a little bit unsturdy. It is going to take a shot at, who has heard it the worst? It's going to take a shot at Lady Godwin. Fair enough. Lady Godwin, you see it pull back one of its huge arrows on its long bow and fire it off at you. That is a two.

That's simply not going to hit. It's just not going to hit. You see it as it hits the ground. It shatters the tile that it smashes down into. It is going to then use its. multi-attack to take another shot at you, Lady Godwin. Travis, I mean, I'm not going to make you get up and look because you're sick, but it's another fucking two, like exactly, exactly a two again, so that one misses.

More like too. So say something else that's entertaining for everybody. But then with the exact same parameters again, okay? I'm so sick. More like Tupid. Okay. Multi-attack, the Cupid makes three arrow attacks. So the third attack is going to come at you.

much just for being the way you just were. Unfortunately, that is a 15 plus 7, a 22 is going to hit you for 2D8 plus 4 for 13 points of piercing damage. This arrow gets you. Who are you looking at as this arrow

hits you? Oh, mirror. You give him a door. He's going to step through it. I mean, if you know Cupid logic, I'll say You didn't say, what are you looking at and don't say mirror. You're right. For every other future time, I have to ask this question. I will include the mirror in there.

You get shot. As you get shot, you look into a nearby, well-polished window and see your own reflection. You're looking pretty good these days, man. Being the king agrees with you. These feelings are confusing. Or maybe not. At all confusing. Before you can really reflect on it.

A salvo of arrows from the six cherubs are going to come flying at your party. Let's get a dexterity saving throw from all three of you again, please. Big yawn there, we will forgive. Hang in there, buddy, you're doing great. Eight, no, ten plus two, twelve. Thank you.

Twelve plus seven, 19. 19, yes. 13 plus one, 14. Okay. Philo and Mutt, you're able to tuck and roll out of the way as this just flurry of arrows comes flying out of these two sort of regiments of cherubs. However, Lady Godwin, you are not so fortunate.

You are struck by three tiny arrows, and you take a grand total of 11 points of piercing damage. You look down, you have all of these little, about dart-sized arrows, sticking out of you. Make a Constitution saving throw for me, please, Lady Godwin. Let me take that damage.

Okay. You see that pink stuff. Don't. 16. You fight off that pink stuff. Congratulations. You're better than it. This time, you're looking at,

I mean, what? Not a mirror. Cupid. You're looking at Cupid and thinking, like, I bet it would be hard to make that work, with it being a sort of celestial entity? as we keep making new holes, we'll figure out something eventually.

That horrible thought leaves your mind as quickly as it enters it as you fight off the intoxicating effects of Cupid's arrows. Next in the order is mutt. What do you do? That's a great, great question, Griffin, thank you. I'm going to pull out Scaliber. Great. Being in Italy, its powers have waned.

I'm going to put Scalibur away. Okay. And I'm going to pull out my crossbow. Okay. And aim for a cupid. Okay. And shoot him. Your crossbow is of Italian make.

So weirdly enough. No. Yes. Make that attack roll, please. You got it, bud. Getting that. If you do it good enough, you'll shoot him in the brain and then he'll die. And then you can go to sleep.

I want to so, man. I said Nat 20. Oh my God. Gary Gygax is real. Thank you, Gary. We are in the same D&D Beyond campaign. I can confirm it has appeared on my screen that a natural 20 has occurred on this stage tonight.

Jesus Christ. All right. Roll double damage on your attack roll. You get him right between the eyes. And it shouts now with 2,000 voices. It thought all the wing stuff was bad.

Who boy? Okay, that is 17 damage total. Yes. As you hit it right between the eyes, it does not fall over dead. However, it looks up, and much as Romeo did when he discovered his own tragic head projectile wound, he reaches up and in 5,000 voices,

screams the loudest scream any of you have ever heard. And I do my second attack. 9 plus 6, 15. That will hit this screaming, screaming angel. It's another nine points of damage. With nine points of damage, you put one sort of in a nice

triangle pattern with all of the other stuff sticking out of this Cupid. It does not go down. It is looking pretty rough. It is not quite able to maintain a steady flight pattern. We're back to the top of the order. With Brother Fylo, what do you do?

Brother Fylo casts Skyride. Buckle the fuck up, everyone. I've been doing that with this man for 11 years, and usually this is the portents of something pretty fucking wild about to happen. You cause up to 10 words to form in a part of the sky you can see. You're indoors. There's still sky, isn't there?

There's one window in the corner. You see Friar Lawrence climb out of his booth, like, ugh. You, everyone look outside. And everyone walks, even Cupid walks over to the window. Like, what the fuck? Yeah, and it says, you cherubs cut this shit out right now, sincerely God. That's for you, Travi. Give me a deception check.

You could have just stabbed him. Don't be like that's for you, Travis, when I just shot him with a bunch of arrows and you're like, I don't know what I'll do. Some dumb shit. It's a spell. It's a spell. It's a spell.

It's all you like magic. When you cast a magic spell, it always works, as we all know. I'll say deception check with advantage. You are leaning on a lot of stuff with which you are familiar. So that means you roll two, 20-sided dice and take the higher result.

Surely. This is the moment. your shining hour Good job, Dad, 27. What the fuck? Good. You never before in the history of Taz Live.

I mean, you did it wrong, but the cherubs, I know he's so sick. The cherubs, the tiny cherubs look up and they look at Cupid like, we can't get in trouble with the big man, sorry, boss. The six cherubs all flitter away

out of the windows up into the sky. guy. Only Cupid remains. Lady Godwin, you are up next. I pick up the two arrows on the ground from your two misses earlier that didn't discharge because if you miss, the pink stuff wouldn't come out, right?

That's what I learned in health class. I'll pick up the two arrows and leap at Cupid with a double attack to plunge the arrows into Cupid. Give me two attack rolls, please.

Perfect number of them. This is the moment. 19 plus 6.25. Yeah, of course, absolutely. And 6 plus 6.12. 12 does not hit. One of them hits his neck kind of weird. Roll 1D10 damage

for me for these wayward bolts. And then I'm going to roll a Constitution saving throw. Eight. Okay. You stab him. Where do you put it? In his eyeball.

You ask me where. That seems like a very good place. It looks up at you and you stab it into its eye. Do I see love flooding its eye? You do see, well, first you see it shriek in 25,000 voices. Oh, dang! It is not quite dead. However, the Cupid looks up at you and it's like,

and in like 30,000 voices it's like, looking pretty good right now. My fair elderly matron? I'm nothing compared to Rosalind, and then I use Jennifer Myers to cut his head off. Okay, give me one last attack roll, please. Yeah, that's 13 plus 6, 19. You roll damage, but...

Yeah, of course. It's not going to take much. Six. Okay, yeah. No, nine, no, nine plus three, twelve. A nine will get you there. You swing downwards, in a wide arc, and Cupid's head goes flying off its body.

Its mini-winged form crashes down to the ground, and it disintegrates into a pool of pink goo. As that happens, you see the world of Romeo and Juliet begin to change the sort of drab walls of the Capulet estate begin to take on sort of a colorful, bright neon aesthetic. Everyone dressed in these boring ass red cloaks, they're all wearing, like, cool clothes

that a cool party person might wear. You see Juliet jump up from the ground and is like, who wants to go on a sports car drive? And Romeo's like, yeah! And they get off into the car and drive off into the sunset. Was it an alpha Romeo? Jesus Christ, man. Wow.

And you see Prince Escalis, who's now wearing like a cool windbreaker and a cool hat. He stands up and says, no kick-ass story has less woe than that of Juliet and Her Romeo. Thank you so much, everybody, for coming to our show tonight. Grab a poster outside. You've been amazing. Good night. Maximum Fun. A Worker Owned Network. of artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.