The Adventure Zone - The Zone of Adventure: Imbalance - Episode 1

Episode Date: November 9, 2023

While we prepare an exciting new TAZ adventure, we bring you all three episodes of Imbalance, which is available as a video on our YouTube Channel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UuS1K-Sr3rAA new DM takes the reins, old friends get a chance to catch up, and a dinner party is interrupted by an uninvited guest.DM'ed by Aabria Iyengar Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

A woman sits in a warm and quiet room, knitting. Her face, serene and furrowed slightly with focus on her craft, is framed by long white hair that reflects the soft glow of some unseen light source. The clicking of her needles goes unbroken for minutes, hours, eras, until their eyes open suddenly with alarm. She looks, she looks at her piece. with dismay, dropped stitches, holes, flaws in her great work is to size and looks over at the bearded vulture perched beside her. The past is, it isn't pristine. It's not an immutable record of our

triumphs or our failures. It's just as in flux as the future, just as we're vulnerable, if not more so, because the shape of it is already known. The bird slowly blinks its eyes and drops its beak in a knowing nod. And the lady of fate, satisfied with her few cryptic words, resumes her knitting. Queen Morrier, as ever, watches and waits. From that hidden place into the world, Into the future where our camera alights on Merle High Church. It's been about 10 years since the day of story and song.

Where are you on a unclouded, like very neutral morning in the midsummer? In a cabana, on a beach. I should hope so Not like in a Banna at Walmart In the Anarchy Look you don't know how Merle Ro rolls That's fair

I hope I do it this point He's different now That's right It's 10 years man I could be completely different Gritty Listen to Rebo

Can he check me music I think he's kind of chilling Got his toes in the sand Relaxing You know it just click to me. I don't think we've ever discussed this or maybe even made this connection. But with the plainer connections that were

explained through all of this, maybe Merle is a fan of the actual Kenny Chesney. It's possible. It's not like fantasy Kenny Chesney. Actual Kenny Chesney. But like, yeah, it somehow bled through rifts or whatever. I like that idea that he's getting like a lot of iTunes downloads and he doesn't understand

where they're coming from. Well, they would be Zune. They would be Zune. It was a Yonazone. Yeah. There's this like incredibly meticulously etched like copper circle and you see some like

arcane words in a language you don't speak because common isn't English and it's just the full display of a zoo and it's playing

Kenny Chesney and you are vibing right now it's the adventure zoon no no yeah

we should sell that that's very good we could probably get the rights to sell zoons pretty easily like yeah before this calls up

for a hundred percent public domain we have a bunch left over in the warehouse you want to take them uprea in your notes that you prepared for this uh did you have set five minutes aside to talk about Microsoft's failed mp3 player the zoon I did I am incredibly thorough okay okay that's great amazing the prep uh Merle you are sitting as these like slick tunes uh waft through the cabana and kind of out on the to the beach in front of you. And your view of this lovely pristine shore is suddenly blocked as a bright green, like, gecko green lizard folk holding a little tray with that. Like, you know, the little towel that always lets you know that that's a server. I don't

know what actual servers wear because I don't go outside, leans into your view and just, can I, are you, do you need anything else? Would you like another drink? Oh, no, Maury, I feel pretty good. That last Harvey Wallbanger kind of, you know, knock me out a little bit. So, no, I'm good, I'm good. I tell you, if Rosemary wants to bring out some more of those little, what are they, the things with the little weanies with the bacon wrapped around. Yeah, yeah, it's a double pig.

I take some of those. Yeah, we'll bring more of the, yeah, that's not a problem. Okay. Double pigs, yeah. Yeah. And he kind of gives you like a little like he curtsies. He doesn't really know why. He doesn't know how to leave effectively. He's waiting for a tip. You got tip. He was a hundred. Yeah. I'm not even going to make your role inside. He was a hundred percent like vamping for a tip. This is for you. Was that a grape? What is that? Oh, that's right. I forgot about the focus. No, it's just a little ten-sided die. Okay. It's a weird tip.

Of course it is. He takes it and you can hear him kind of like biting on it and gnawing on it as he is. Just like my 18 month old. No, don't eat it. Immediately in the mouth. He's got to explore it with his teeth. And Maury is a lot cuter than that Geico lizard. Right.

Sure. Right. That guy was extremely cute. But different strokes for different folks. And yeah, a couple minutes later, Rosemary, who's been like completely creeped out by your advances, sends the lizard folks. back over with her regards and a massive plate of a bacon-wrapped. Was it a bacon-wrapped hot dog? Yeah.

A little tiny, yeah. Cocktail weanies. A little cocktail we need situation for you. If someone kept asking me to give them the double pig, I would also be creeped out. Easily a misinterpretable. She named it that, but regretted it upon saying it and has not been able to eat those words back into her body and move on with her day. Um, so what are you doing? Is this like, is this your life now? Are you just like a cool retired adventurer? Like, why are you here? The fuck is this? He is bored as shit. Um, Mavis has, uh, gone off to, uh, college. Um, mookie is in a fantasy military school. Um, and he's got nothing to do. The, the adventuring for hire, you know,

The academy that he started is kind of on autopilot. He doesn't have to do anything at all. And he gave a little attempt at writing his memoirs or his memoirs. But, you know, it just wasn't coming to him. And, yeah, he's really got nothing to do. And he's got no projects. And Merle needs projects. and maybe I'm projecting the projects a little bit.

Merle, you spend the next like 20 minutes flipping through notebooks of like, like trying to come up with ideas of what to do next, like what your next big thing is going to be. You consider reaching out to friends and family a little bit. But eventually you eat enough of those double pigs that like the meat sweats hits. Oh, yeah. And you begin to, yeah, you begin to fall asleep a little bit. Go ahead and let's call this a religion check.

Give me a religion check as you sort of fall, like begin to fall asleep. Okay. A religion check. Off to a great start. That's two. Amazing. You don't get any pluses? We're back, baby.

No, it's a one. It's a one plus one. Plus one. I do. I love that. I was like, I'm going to do a chick. He's a cleric. He'll be good at religion.

I, that's on me for now. to put air quotes around that. So, you are a level 17 cleric that has plus one in religion. That's hurtful. I'm not a devout

cleric. Yeah. He's more spiritual. I'm a dabbler. I'm a dabbler. He's got a lot of crystals now in his old age. Right. Exactly. Yeah. That's cool. You begin to

fall asleep and you die. Yeah. And you're dead and we're done. good night. You're sort of like last thoughts as you fall asleep. You think that you see someone walking across the sand, but they're shimmering and kind of moving in and out of focus like a heat mirage. And the figure stops and turns and looks at you.

And they sort of raise their arms. And it's a full goro situation of like a second set of arms is there. And then you see what your. Your eyes can't make out, but your brain has decided in that dream way is the dissolution of this humanoid figure as they seem to be slowly burned away, like putting a cigarette on the, like, the edge of a piece of paper where it just sort of consumes it out in these like fractal circular patterns. And then you sort of fall asleep in that violence that a lot of people wake up into, where you suddenly seem, you have that feeling of being rushed by the figure, but instead of being thrown

awake, you are pushed into sleep. And eventually you'll wake up in a couple hours when everyone at this like all-inclusive resort is like, sir, your booking is over. You have to get out. It smells like farts and Dorito chips in here. That's the double-time. You already said farts. Did not say it. Like, Doritos are just farts with like a little spice on them, a little tequin. Unless they're currently sponsoring us, in which case they're... Oh, yeah. And they're great. And thank you so much for the money.

Appreciate it. And that's where we sort of leave Merle and drift across the land to find Magnus. Magnus, where are you right now? Magnus is at his dog training school Hammer and Tails, I believe, is what I called it. And at this point, he's in the room that's basically kind of set up like a laser tag arena. But it's like him versus about 10 dogs of varying breeds and sizes. And he's like ducking around corners trying to give a jump on him to basically hug attack them, which is basically just like puppy cuddles.

But it's very intense. There's a lot of like, I work. You go this way. I go this way. As the puppies all come together. It goes very well, but then defaults into two. a big puppy cuddle pile, as it often does. Amazing.

So we kind of push in on this moment in the subsequent 10 years. Fantasy black lights have definitely been invented. Oh, yeah. And the lighting in here is very cool. As you are like kind of looking out around a corner and you see like a Rottweiler kind of gives you like the nod and then like gestures around a corner. I need you to make a perception. check with disadvantage.

Oh, okay. Oh, because the black lights? I'm not going to tell you why. Yeah, I don't think it's going to get worse than that. It's a four and an 18. Oh, you hate to see it. Remind me which one is the bad one? The four.

Oh. Yes. So you begin to kind of move on to all fours to follow the lead of like this very good boy who's trying to get you to a pile of. puffers, uh, when you hear just at the very last second the scratch of claws and you look over your shoulder to see like a very small, but like thick as hell, Corgi is flying through the air to, uh, not, I mean, to attack you. Yeah. What do you do? He got the jump on you. So, uh, Magnus is going to attempt to roll to the left at the last second. Okay. So that would be.

be what, dex check? Here's the thing. I rolled for my sweet boy. He got a natural 20. And in defiance, he does a double jump, which is definitely a thing. All things can do. And changes direction in midair and lands directly on your face, Magnus. Yeah.

And he's just licking the spot where you're like forehead and hairline meet. That's like weirdly a little sensitive. Like that's his point of attack. And he is just. Well, he's learned well. I'm going to say, like, I'm actually pretty proud, you know, because Corbyn at first was kind of the last, you know, the runs of the litter, if you will. And he's come so far, you know, to one, give the jump on me. And then two, to literally change directions midair without anything.

That's good work, Corbyn. It's good boy. There's no way these dogs are going to respect you, if that's the way you run your ship. I'm just saying, you need a no-no can. No, I feel, hey, I don't run that kind of place. Right? We're all about positive reinforcement. Even a no-no can is too much. I used to be out with my kids.

Yeah. Remember how my husband. That's fine. Remember, you also have to do that anal gland cleaning, trav. I would honestly at this point appreciate the kind of structure in my life that someone else having a no-no can would give me. I would love those sorts of boundaries, honestly. Everything is shades of gray anymore.

I would love a no-no can. Well, but he did good. That's the thing. If he had missed or if he had like, oh, God forbid, bit me, well, it would be done. We'd be done. We'd be done. I put him in the no-no hammock, which is kind of like timeout for dogs because they sit there and they run for a bit, but they can't move. It's a hammock.

What are they doing? It feels very dangerous. You guys were just saying I needed to be stricter. Structure, but danger. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't feel good about this and I will not send my fancy dog. Listen, I'm not training them for home usage. I'm training them to be adventurous companions.

Okay. Well, with that then, as this is the moment in which your training dissolves into a puppy cuddle puddle, I need you to make an insight check as you see a furtive glance exchanged between Corbyn and the Rottweiler. Oh, it covered on the 19 and ended on the one. Oh, my rolls are dunk. Hey, can we just stop this whole filming? Can y'all get your fucking dice together? I'm trying to tell a story.

This is fucking, D&T Beyond is like, oh, Adventure Zone's back. Awesome, awesome, awesome. This is going to be over 15 minutes. And a Bree is going to be like, well, you guys are all dead fart men. You pooped your pants and died. The end. And I'm sorry. I'm not above that.

It's also in my notes. You are sort of taken into this, like, beautiful pile and you don't see the furtive glance between Corbin and Roslin, who have been planning this moment, Corbin's triumph and proof that he will make an excellent rogues compatriots someday. Like, they did it. And there's a vast conspiracy within the ranks of your dog training facility that you know nothing about.

That's fine. You hate to see it. But it's fine because I've been trying to get a deal, a reality show from Hammering, tails, and this is really going to actually cement that pretty well. So that's actually not as bad as you might think. Nice. So you sort of finish up here and are met at the front with a couple of your staff members. They're like young humans. A lot of them are like fighters in training and people from like local villages that while they've sort of eschewed the like going into the city guard and they're hovering

somewhere in that precipice between like full-blown adventures that travel the world and kind of just wanting to be strong enough to like protect their homes like they've learned a lot from you as a folk hero and so there's like a there's a there's a cohort of like five or six people from this village that kind of swing in and volunteer and intern and hammer and tails and one of them runs up to you a young human woman she's got she's completely bald but there's a little bit of blonde stubble coming back in and looks at you with these like bright like purple arcane purple eyes and she's just like uh magnus i uh i did the i pushed all the the buttons like you asked all of them um okay i may have left four or five dogs out i really

don't like expressing anal glands that's not my favorite thing i'll do it because um you saved the universe too close to my own hands. We save the universe and that's great. But can we switch? Can there be some sort of system to see who does it next? I feel like I shouldn't. I don't want that on my tour wheel anymore. Well, the problem is we spin the wheel and whatever it lands on,

that's what you got to do. And it's been your bad luck to land on anal pants every week. I think there's something wrong happening here. So if we could just have a conversation about it, because I've got a lot. A lot of anger issues. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I get that.

I'm very close to doing a fight about it. So I'm just letting you look up top. Don't do a fight. Don't do a fight. All right. Hey, Derek. Derek. Yeah, Derek.

She immediately, like, falls in behind you and it's like peeking around your body. And like, you can kind of see from your peripheral vision. She's gesturing and like sending a rude gestures in Derek's direction. And Derek kind of turns around from mopping. Yes? You're on anal glands. for the rest of the week. Ty was going to take over

on mopping. What the fuck? I didn't, but I spun the wheel good. I spun the wheel good. It's not about good or bad. I mean, it's hard to, like, you can't. I'm not touching buttholes, and he snaps the mop and half. It's not about touching

buttholes. Like, have I taught you nothing, Derry? No one taught me how to do that part. I just was left with a pile of dogs to find my own way, and he throws down the two pieces of the mob. Oh, then there's no way you're doing it right. Oh, boy.

And, yeah, you look up and she kind of gives you a little, thank you so much. I'm going to, I'm going to, and she runs from around you, goes and picks up the broken mop, and you see her cast a little spell and purple light stitches the two halves of the broom, the mop back together. And she gratefully picks it up and starts mopping. Just next time, Tywa, may chant. Magehand the anal glands. Just use mage hand.

Oh, my God. Too close to my own hands. Fuck. Yeah, just. Thank you, sir. I appreciate you. Creative solutioneering. That's what we teach here.

Thanks. Okay. What do you? I don't know how to end this interaction. This is a lot of attention and eye contact from you. So I'm going to linger in it for as long as I get. How's your day going? What are you doing?

No. We're done. What do you do for time? Okay, sir, goodbye. Yeah, it wasn't weird until you made it weird, Tywa. So. I think Mage handing the anal gland made it weird, bud. I don't think so.

I think that's solved it. I think you changed some lives in that moment. I'm just saying. Especially the dogs. So as you move out of your place of work, what generally fills your days? So when he's not working, you know, he's got a home that he built, two hands, you know. And it is, he's got a bench swing in front of his house,

just fully kidded out, just any kind of upgrade you can think of for that bench swing. And he spends a lot of time carving slash working out. So one of those two things he's doing, he's taken up cooking recently, he's really bad at it, really, really atrocious at it. It's kind of my thing. I don't know why he's mean to... Well, he's really bad at it is the thing. That's how it's different.

He's really bad. He's also taken up clerical work. Is that clerical work or clerical work? He's not sure. He can be good at that. I think Magnus probably has a higher religion modifier. Yeah, I was going to say he's got a plus higher religion. It's basically clerical work.

Magnus at this point basically has like three closets worth of briefly begun, hobbies that then was like, done, you know? Because basically for a hundred years, he was on a ship doing a thing. And then for like 15 years after that, he was doing a thing. And now he's like, ah, awesome, free time. And he basically has no patience to learn anything at this way. I feel personally attacked by this. Yes. Very relatable. I personally attacked myself. So you walk into your house and sort of as you're passing the threshold of the door, you look out and see some of your workout equipment sort of scattered across the lawn, big heavy weights, fantasy kettlebells, and you notice that they're all extremely rusted and

corroded. And even as you touch the handle to the door, you feel that little bit of grit that comes away as the doorknob itself is extremely rusty and oxidized. I am going to make a investigation check. Yes. Please do. Okay. I'm going to roll a real dice. Popular detective, Magnus.

Oh, my. It's taking everyone's spot. A seven plus zero. Okay. So here's what we're going to do. I need all of you motherfuckers to start with advantage because this is hurting my feelings. Yeah, absolutely. It's really.

True momentum killer. Yeah. True momentum killer. That is a 15 plus you out. So 15. Okay. What sucks? You know what sucks the worst?

It's like, this is the first time we're doing this with video. Yeah. So like the assumption is like, oh, so now that we can't get you, we're cheating, you're rolling this bad all the time. This is how it's always been. Oh, no. You can't lie. I can't see your dice. I'm just going to say that this beautiful crystal in red dice is just sucks.

Oh, no. We'll switch to this. light up dice. This is huge. Okay, but a 15. Okay, with a 15, I will give you some general information that you can ask a follow-up question in whatever direction you want. You're sort of looking out over your stuff.

And even as you pass into your house and into the kitchen, you see your cast iron pan burned up and poorly seasoned, though it is. It's also rusted through to the point where, like, you can see that it's almost like thin and open at the center, like a terrible cast iron. Iron donut. I mean, I'm that the Iron Giant would love that. Can you imagine me to lose this line?

It would be so excited. Super good. Yeah. So literally anything in here that's like metallic is rusted through with like decades level of

disuse level oxidization. So follow up. questions, what would you like to know beyond that? The first thing he does is check his weapons then. So you're going to check Rails Slater and Flaming, Raging, Poisoning, sort of Doom, and the Chancellands? This is my one chance to let you avoid what you know is coming. I can't imagine that you would keep both of your weapons on you while you're working with

dogs, because that's a hazard. Dogs are low and easily scraped up. So you probably took one of them with you. So which one did you leave home? And you be honest, because if you're, you're this sort of dog trainer that takes the poison fire sword to work? God damn it. There's no way I took the flaming racing place that sort of thing to work.

There's no way. There's no way. I was like, well, better drop a light. I'm just going to take this giant flaming sword with it. That kills everything. Yeah. God damn. I was like, I didn't want you to break my encounters up top.

So where do you keep it? In what, like, pride of place in your cottage? It's over, over the, fireplace. It is fully like, I've built a huge plaque for it. It is mounted up there. Yeah.

I bring wants you to perfectly imagine the exact moment that you want you to sit. Right. Maybe there's a garbage can placed immediately underneath it. Yeah, you close the door to your cottage. And that's just enough of a rumble

and momentum throughout the wall. that you see that the hilt of the flaming, raging, poison, sort of doom. Whatever the fuck it's called, I've never watched the adventure zone ever. God, what a nightmare. I can't believe it just tripped over that immediately.

The hilt falls out of the scabbard and like clatters off the mantle in front of the like cold fireplace and you see just a little bit of like rusty detritus and debris pouring out of the scabbard behind it. Okay, but rails flitter

and chival. Chance Lanser up there, right? If you brought them with you to work, I'll let you keep them. Those I take it. Those are light, and I've established before that those fit on my back. The plainly reason why it is sort of doom you have to carry. Okay. Wow.

Accepted. Okay. And Magnus just sees that and goes, well, fuck. A perfect wipe as we move from whatever the hell is happening to Magnus and move again across the land and over to Taco. Taco where are you, bud? Hold on, wait. I'm getting away.

You said no cosplay. I didn't know we were cosplaying. Where we were. I could have dressed up like a good damn. This is my regular hat. I'm actually, this takes out too much of the shot, I feel. It's a fair way. I'm realizing now, it's like too much of the shot.

It kind of looks like a joke hat. Like, almost. Like, you would give her somebody's like, it never worked on stage because this is the view from the balcony, right? Right. That first flop looks like all of my girlfriends that got those oversized, like, pool side hats.

It's a basic bitch thing happening in the front. My, okay, so Taco is at a photo shoot for his magazine. He's not the one being pictured. It's for his lifestyle magazine. Taco, make your own magic. Now, the highlight with Taco is he's done with magic. He wants to teach you how to make your own life magical without having to use powers.

Not everybody's got powers. So he's teaching you through design, cooking, meditation is huge for him. Goal setting, you know, that kind of stuff, how to make your life magical without having to tap into the different influences. So he's at a photo shoot right now for a mutton recipe that he is included in the magazine. They're doing like the product shots of it. Amazing. You're sort of working arm in arm with the art director.

Susan, his, Susan is their friend. Susan is Cravis' friend technically. He doesn't care for Susan. She's very good at her job, though. She is, but he's extremely demanding. I think it's like, Susan, if you don't spray the mutton down, it looks dry. If people think it looks dry, that's on me, Susan. I don't care whose friend you are.

You'll be out. Okay, I don't know. why you need to bring up my friendship with cravich. I'm very good at what I do. No word. Excuse me. What you see out of the camera is not going to be the final project and I, a product, and I don't know why I have to continuously tell you that.

Let's just say you're really lucky. I don't use magic anymore. Is that a threat? Harumph! And she turns and storms out and away from you. And the sort of like background vignette that's happening is just full. Taco, you are the Miranda Priestley of your little cohort, and they're all, like, kind of cowering and running away, and as your eyes sweep over this photo shoot and everyone that's

working busily, every time your vision catches someone in the crosshairs, you see a little flop sweat, you see, like, a little, some nervousness. Wait, like, instantly, like, you make eye contact and it just goes, it just shoots out. They have not invented, like, wicking technology yet, so all that. All that sweat just immediate. Oh, boy. And you see that, like, Susan is now, she's removed herself and is screaming at a bunch of people behind the scenes. And she, like, holds up, like, a little communication, like, ruin to her mouth.

And you hear some squawking to the photographer. They are now communicating remotely, trying to fully circumvent you in this process. As the photographer, like, kind of shrugs. And this, like, massive. Goliath, a man who's probably like 65 just gruff, built like a brick shit house,

just sort of leans over this tiny white table with like some, honestly, it does look kind of dry. Mutton, trying to get some good shots. Yeah. He gives you a little look over his shoulder as he's taking

photos and he refuses to hit the shutter again until you say something and get the approval. Yeah. You know what? I don't care that much. I just decided I'll walk away from this tableau.

I'm over it. Nice. Antoine gets back to work. He sort of like shakes off the anxiety of like getting your approval and goes back to it. And in this flow of maybe five or six dozen people under your direct area of effect, like you flow through it like Moses in the red. like partying the Red Sea as everyone gives you like a 10-foot birth as you head in whatever direction you're heading. You're a very big deal now.

And that comes with some, uh, some distance that you've noticed over time. Uh, give me, give me. Yeah, let's go an insight check. Okay. This is my dye in case it, well, that's not going to assume in. It's pretty, right? It's pretty pretty. That is a three.

Oh, God. All right. I thought I was going to come in hard. I thought I was going to come in hard. It's a three. Look, you showed off the die. It was a cold shot. I know.

I saw that. Plus seven. Ten. Cool. Yes, with a ten, you've noticed the sort of the tenor around you, especially in like the last year, has been one of reverence and respect, which is great and you love it. But there's a lot of like pedestal setting that you have no ability to control or even like, even if you wanted to, they like sort of setting you at a distance away from them and looking up to you and kind of building this, this aura of unapproachability and sort of infallibility. So I'm not going to tell you how your character feels, but it's been pretty isolating that even as like you've grown in a claim and re-election. in hundreds of different directions with your brands,

that it has netted more people around you and less connection. And I think what's also isolating is it's always so successful. I mean, it's barely any effort in this magazine's massive. The school is basically on rails at this point. Wren, I think, is running the day to day, and he's just kind of collecting checks. Did we all three start schools? Yes.

Yeah. I mean, to be fair, my school was in existence first. It was during the actual adventure. And everyone else decided that that's a very good idea. You're a trendsetter. To steal. So, yeah, as you sort of move through this space, you get a little notification on your fantasy phone, which is now a thing I've decided, is here and around a little message from Kravitz. it's just a little emoji.

It's just a little fried shrimp emoji. He's just saying hi. It's just maybe it's just, I mean, it's just an adventure zoo, right? I mean, like, why couldn't the Zoom in this reality have to become a phone and a digital messaging? Is that okay? I love that. I would like to wreck on this. You feel a little vibration and you pull out your Adventure Zoom, a little circular copper situation.

with like a green crystalline screen, and you look at it, and you see a little hieroglyphic depiction of a perfectly fried shrimp. Care of your paramour credits. I send him back that dancing baby that he loves. It's like a cat baby.

He gets such a big kick out of it. This is like a baby's body with a cat's head. It's just so funny. Nice. He immediately calls you. Hey, what's up? Once again, this is Cravett's unaffected accent, and you just, you can hear the laughter he's like trying to stifle as he, uh, hi, how's it, how's it going? I just got a weird.

I got a, I got a call from Susan. What are you doing? Okay. I don't know. Actually, that's so weird because Susan said she was going to prank. you with a fake. Yeah, I kind of yell at her. I'm sorry.

Look, it doesn't bother me. I love being the tool in your arsenal to threaten our mutual friends with. It makes me feel important. It makes me feel special and seen and a part of it, even though I'm busy at work. Right. A little dual income household. And it's just nice to know that I'm top of mind while you're working. That's great for me.

Oh, good. Oh, tragically, I lost my ability to detect sarcasm. I'm loving this. This is all great. We're totally in sick, babe, loving it. So, all right, I'll level with you. This is the third call in as many weeks that I'm getting from Susan. So what's going on?

I'm in the middle of, you know, and you hear like a scream get suddenly, like, kind of cut off. And he's like, I'm at work, but I'm trying to like hold some space for you in this moment. So let's talk about this. Well, Susan sucks. I don't know. She doesn't suck. She's very good at her job. That's why you hire her and give her money to do her work.

She's probably bad at her job. Okay. Then fire. You'll be mad at me. I love you. I love you too. It's not Susan. It's kind of Susan.

Okay. But I think I've proven that I can handle Susan day in and day out. It's just haven't been in the best, you know, what we talked about. Yeah. To that end, do you want to reach out to your friends? Like, do you need some time? It's been a while. Okay.

The last time I had to try Magnus's cooking and pretend to like it. He's working so hard. Do you know how many times? texts I get where he's like, do you think Taco will like this? And I just lie. And if I can lie, baby, you can lie. He's just trying to reach out to you. And then, okay, and then Merle has gotten like, what's the,

were you, the pleasure of the flesh, like, you know. I don't know where this is going and I'm afraid to answer. What's that thing where people get together? Heedonism. Heedonism. Yeah. Moral's got like hedonistic. I don't know the last thing that can't achieve anything.

It's just all about the pleasures of the flesh with him. Every time you say that I die a little, which is a wild feeling for me specifically. Yeah. So that I get. Absolutely. I don't know. They're not doing stuff like I'm doing stuff. They wouldn't understand this kind of pressure.

This mightest touch that I have of succeeding constantly. It's here. It's devastating. I'll call, I'll call them. Look, I'm not trying to bully you in any. You call them or don't. Just stop threatening to fire Susan. Tell Susan to stop sucking.

Well, she's going to look for dinner tomorrow. So figuring out. Yeah. I should get, I'll get a C-Z to help me cook. Oh, she says she's going to bring over some dry-ass mutton for you. Oh, that's good. Okay, babe, this is like a whole horde of people. I do have to go.

Kill them with kindness or with regular, you know, the regular way you do it. Look, a little column A, little column B. Love you, bye. Love you, bye. Hear another, like, strangled scream as, as I said. Susan. And there's a long beat. He's here.

Am I fired? No, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. What was that? I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you. I'm in this other room being incredibly good at my job. I'm basically sorry and I'm under a lot of stress and thank you so much in advance for being understanding. Shit, that was very good. I am also sorry. I know.

I will add some, uh, some, some, some, some, um, some, um, some, um, some, um, some, um, some, um, um, some, I will I will fix the button. I apologize. Thank you. Thank you. It's the,

you know your business. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to. Okay. Go sorry. Let's not get. Okay. I'll see you at seven.

And she just sort of storms off in another direction. And you see her like pushing aside racks of clothes and like throwing like, she is off off, like letting off like a small tantrum and sort of a, leaves you to walk and go away. Real quick, your adventure's in, starts ringing as Magnus calling. Calling you real quick.

Yes. Hey, sorry to bother you. Do you know anything about, like, fixing magical weapons? You do like magic stuff and things, right? Can you, like, fix magical weapons? What kind of weapon? Imagine it's like a sword that is like... It's a magic sword?

Oh, yeah. Very magic. Very magic. Now, what kind of sword is it? It's a magical sword. Oh, my God. Yeah, it's a real magic sword. Magic sword.

Yeah, it's magic. Can you fix a magic sword? I don't do magic anymore, and you can't fix magical weapons without magical abilities. And as you well know, if you've been keeping up with my lifestyle magazine, talk, I'll make your magic. I make my own magic. I read every issue. Yeah, you should pay closer attention to the cooking parts.

Gotta go. What? What is up, people of the world? Do you have an argument that you keep having with your friends and you just can't seem to settle it? And you're sitting there arguing about whether it's Star Trek or Star Wars, or you can't decide what is the best nut? Or can't agree on what is the best cheese. Stop doing that. Listen to we got this with Mark and Howl, only on Max Fun.

Your topics ask and answered. objectively, definitively, for all time. So don't worry, everybody. We got this. We got this. Hey, Sydney, you're a physician and the co-host of Sawbones, a marital tour of misguided medicine, right? That's true, Justin.

Is it true that our medical history podcast is just as good as a visit to your primary care physician? No, Justin, that is absolutely not true. However, our podcast is funny and interesting and a great way to learn about the medical misdeeds of the past as well as some current, not so legit health care. fats. So you're saying that by listening to our podcast, people will feel better. Sure. And isn't that the same reason that you go to the doctor?

Well, you could say that. And our podcast is free? Yes, it is free. You heard it here first folks, Sawbones, Merrill 2 of Miss Guy the Medicine right here on Maximum Fun, just as good as going to the doctor. No, no, no. Still not just as good as going to the doctor, but pretty good. It's up there. And on that incredible dunk,

we move past our lovely trace horny boys, still out in the world. And we move across the continent one more time. And we alight on our fourth figure. Davenport, what are you up to right now? As you know, if you followed the live shows, Davenport sort of took a Captain Ron turn where he missed being a captain.

He just set out to sail and never looked back, just wanted to see this big beautiful world. He helped save. But that got a little boring. And, you know, after story and song, the world got a little bit more peaceful, but there were some parts of it that some crime, let's say, sort of grew unchecked. And one of those places was the ocean. And so Davenport, former sort of just wayward sailor, turned his attention to keeping the seas safe from buccaneers. corsairs uh

bad privateers I guess give me one more pirate name thank you did I say pirate okay pirates yeah and sort of earned a reputation

for himself as the as the sort of almost Batman-like figure who has been keeping the seas safe from from organized organized crime do you think that there's come a time where Davenport has seriously said to another person, like, I'm kind of the Batman of the sea.

Yeah, I don't think he has to tell people that. I think people, I think people, I think his reputation precedes him. Okay. So we begin in situ in the, like, in the heat of a naval battle. Your beautiful ship is taking on heavy fire from this, like, massive, like, war frigate that you've come alongside. It's flying. It's brigand colors, red and green. And there's sort of like dark gray sails are like blotting out the sun. And then like one little beam of light shoots through a gap and lands on you, rope in hand, about to swing across to go do some daring act of bravado. Can you, Griffin, please paint me a word picture of like hot ass Davenport right now. no, thank you.

I mean, he's shaved, first of all. He went from having all over? Yeah, perfectly hairless like a corpus. No. He had a, you know, he had his big mustache when he was traveling with the crew and then sort of got a little unkempt. But now he's definitely got a top knot for sure. He's the only gnome with a top knot.

And he's got a sort of salt and, salt and peasant. pepper short beard. Uh, and he's not wearing, all he's wearing is just sort of like some suspenders over a half unbuttoned white shirt. And, uh, he's got a big backpack on. Uh, and just some brown, just a big, a big bulky backpack on. Uh, no, no weapons that you can see of, of, of, of, of any kind. Uh, what about pants, Griffin? You've got, he's got, he's got some brown trousers. What is a loose suspender, Travis? Like, just, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, of, It's like just flapping stress.

No, listen, I didn't want to assume this is a weird show. That's fair. So you're like a little skimble shanks with a backpack on. A little skimble shanks with a big jam sport. And you grab this rope and swing across to the other side. Of course, landing right in front of the enemy captain. This woman with like long, flowing, like bright green dreadlocks that like, go all the way down to her waist.

It looks like kelp. And she's got a very, like, yeah, she exploded in, like, the nautical section of Pier 1 imports. Like, she's just selling you. Seashells everywhere, little dangly bits. She kind of smells like pechule. She sells seashells? Buy the seashells. I can't even finish it because I've lost.

This is hurtful. I'm having a bad day. I'm doing my best. And this is the famed Captain Anara. She's the head. She's called Captain. She is an admiral and is running like a ring of piracy that's been disrupting this like trade lane for maybe two or three months. She looks down at you and like pulls out this like wicked looking scimitar and just sort of levels it at.

And you says, Davenport? We made it last. Davenport. is my name. That is correct. Are we going to... You have a backpack on. I'm sort of throwing a...

I'm doing a sword thing here. Are you going to... I can see that, yes. Are we... Hold on. And kind of as this, like, a group of enemy fighters was like sort of surrounding you

and closing in, she kind of puts her hand up to stop them, forming a little ring. Are you are we going to are we fighting? I don't. Oh, we don't. Sorry, we don't have to.

EverSummer is about nine clicks that way. Just if you all take your whole sort of armada. Is it an armada or a fleet? I use fleet. I think they're pretty interchangeable. Okay. Yeah, you could all just sort of go to EverSummer and turn yourselves in. is the other option that we could do.

And I know this, no, but this probably sounds like I'm trying to sound badass. Yeah. I'm actually, I'm genuinely explaining what the, what the options are. I feel like you're trying to, uh, curate a cool moment. I'm going to stab you to death. Yeah. You have a backpack on and not even front ways. Like you don't have access to your pockets.

Oh, God, you're right. It's a. fatal flaw in the backpackers behind. Only there was a small backpack that one could wear around one's waist where all of their possessions would be accessible sort of in their crotch area. That's a great idea. And I'm going to get to work on that. Look, I've been at sea for a while. I can't tell if that's like a sarcastic thing.

It is a good idea. No, I know. It's a great idea. What is your whole deal? Are we fighting? I'm going to fight you. I'm going to fight you. And she leans in to attack you.

Okay. When that happens, my backpack unfolds like a starfish, like towards me. It like spasms outward and wraps around my arms and chest and legs. And I am wearing a full suit of magical superpowered armor. Because I am a, I'm in artificer. Amazing. A guardian artificer. What does this armor look like?

You know, in Iron Man, where he creates the armor in the case, it's kind, I think it's a little bit more like that than like the, you know, fancy nano web, Iron Man armor. It's, uh, it is, it is, it is bulkier with a more sort of menacing facade, uh, to try and scare away, uh, pirates who would step two or, you know, try and kill people out on the, out on the seas. Amazing. You hear and feel as you kind of like settle your feet as the suit sort of erupts around you, like, the wood of the ship below your feet on this deck just begins to like give way a little bit and splinter and groan. And you see that in Aras eyes, like immediately look down and looks back up at you. that's and she just slowly leans down and just goes and puts her sword on the ground.

Yeah. All right. Okay, we can have a conversation. Cool. What do you want to talk about? I hate you. And she immediately like rounds and turns her back on you and starts like gesturing to the rest of the crew to like power, power this fight down. And you see that like in a ripple around you, the fight you.

the fight immediately like dies down and like your all of your crew begins like cheering a bit and yelling and like people immediately start like pulling out instruments and like playing songs because they were they were barely holding weapons they were just waiting for him to put the suit on that ends it all entirely so some dude that was like wielding a loot like a blunt instrument was like okay vibes and like goes back and starts playing his little loot and uh they immediately commenced to party while Inara calls for a chair and a table to be brought in front of you. And she's like, all right, let's have a conversation about terms of surrender.

I'm holding my steel drum and I'm like, oh, do we have to do this right now? Because I was about to go jam with the squad. Yeah, go ahead. Awesome. It's actually a panel in my armor that just turns into a steel drum that I could just, ding-da-div-div-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d. Give me a performance show. Oh, that's not going to go well.

Come on. We got to get... You could be the one. You could be different, Griffin. Okay, that's a 16 plus zero. Oh, thank you. Yes. This is just...

This is the role that we got. This is the one. What song are you playing the steel drum, like, cover of? I mean, I think just hot, hot, hot, hot. Because it's like the first song... It's the hot cross buns of steel drums. It's like the one you learn. Hot, hot, hot, hot cross buns.

Yes. So you start like grooving and jamming. And as like your crew gets louder and more like into their celebrations and the other crew, like the enemy crew just sort of like moves into the corner and it sort of talking loosely amongst themselves, you see Davenport even within like sort of locked into your armor as you play. Like a little floater, a black moat of light sort of. drifts across your eye. Can you please make a, make a perception check for me. I'll give you advantage because you're an artificer. Okay. That's a Nat 20. Shut up! Yeah. Amazing. Uh, your, your mind

sort of follows that little floater in a way that your eyes can't really track because vision is weird. And it sort of like moves across and appears to land on the edge of the steel drum panel. on your suit. And you feel it before you see it. You kind of smell it. This like heavy rain and rust in the air. And you see as like a little speck hits the corner and begins to rapidly corrode your steel drum.

God, I think we can all agree. This is the worst thing that one of us has lost in this adventure so far. No question. No question. We'll never recover from this. I reflexively just tear the steel drum off before this corrosion can spread to the rest of my suit here. Yeah. You sort of rip it off and throw it on the ground in front of you.

The force of that throw actually does, like, tear up some chunks of the plank of the deck of the ship. And Captain Arr's like, whoa, watch it. Okay, that's just hurtful. And then she gets cut off mid-complaint as she sees. as that steel drum rapidly gets consumed by rust and is in very short order a pile of like rusty detritus. Was this, did you do? Was this you? Because that was my favorite steel drum.

It's a baritone steel drum. Do you know how hard those are to find? They come in different types. It's like talking to a child. Look, if I don't know the difference between steel drums and I surrender, immediately. Do you think if I had the ability to do that, to you, I would have given up so quickly? No, probably not. I have no idea what this is. Cool. Are you going to die? If you die, can I be a pirate again? Yeah, that's the, that is the rule. That is the arrangement that I've made.

Um, can you, sorry, I know I have to like give off this imposing like an, uh, a paragon of fear, but I need to go like sort of figure this out. Mix signals at best, but go on. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. BRB. Uh, can I, can I, uh, arcana, arcana check, I guess this little. Yeah.

Okay. Is the moat still there or has the whole thing? Uh, you saw it sort of land and then consumed it. You don't really see the mode anymore. I mean, you can go and try and dig in the pile and see if you dig it up and then nothing bad will happen. Yeah, I'm not going to do that. That's a 10 plus 11, a 21. Holy crap.

Okay. What are you trying to find out? I mean, have I seen anything? Obviously, there's rust spells and stuff like this. Does this, I'm trying to see if this is something that I have, you know, I studied magic for over a century. Like, is this something I've seen before? You've seen so many things in your time, Davenport. And this very, like, the very, like, first thing you think and feel is this feels like time magic gone awry.

And you know, some of your friends have dealt with a little bit more, like, timey-wimy things than you have, like, back when you were sort of sidelined at the bureau. But you haven't seen anything specifically like this. But, you know, it's very powerful. And it's closer to, like, artifact magic than it is any given spell. Like, you couldn't dispel what's happening here. Hmm. Okay. Um, I think I, uh, head back to my ship to find my, uh, the wave pumper.

The wave humper. The wave humper. I think it's what it was called in the live show. Yeah. Unfortunately. Yeah. Uh, I head back over to the wave humper. Your crew is like out here like throwing it back.

Yeah. They are completely lost in the sauce in the celebration. I need to find Lumis, my first mate. Yeah, you know what? Loomis is definitely at the center of like a crumping circle and he is just losing, like body, done, and sees you sort of

stomp over. I'm assuming you're still in the suit, yeah? Oh, yeah, yeah. It looks cool when it kind of does its like spasm snap-on thing, but to take it off actually takes hours. you uh wait wait wait this is me looking into the future are you really really regretting that you said that okay good it has to it's it looks rad but there's like spirit glue on the inside that oh yeah yeah that has to fasten to you that

there's a solvent that needs to go on the solvent smells very poor oh boy so it's gonna make you a great scene here in a little bit yeah um amazing uh yeah um go ahead Yeah, I just want to find Loomis and pull him aside real quick. Yeah, he, like, as you're walking up, like, he's still dancing and getting it. And he starts to do, like, the little, like, robot thing as you walk over and sees that you don't immediately jump into, you know, fully getting it. Assume something is wrong because he can't read your robot's expression and runs over to you. Sir? Yeah, I'm crying pretty heavy in here.

I know you can't see my emotions, but it's, I'm crying a lot. He sort of just taps your hull there, there, there. Stick your finger in my eye hole. I will not. Stick your, stick, that I, that's an order. Slow. Feel the tears. Oh God.

It's gross. Yeah. It's very wet. So I am crying because I just lost a very precious friend to me, which is my, my steel drop. So, um, the baritone. The baritone. So if you just hug. around your home.

Thank you. Let it out. Let it out, buddy. Let it out. So if you could call up silly sales, steel drum, wholesale supplier, and get a letter out to them and start getting your replacement in the works. Now, wait, stop for a second. Yeah. He's getting these wholesale.

Yeah. Yeah. How many trips is this guy going through that he's going to get in bulk, the kind of bulk, the kind of bulk that a wholesaler. Why is he need to cut up the middle? Because this way, Davenport can pass the savings on to you. Do you know how hard independent steel drum retailers have it right now that you go by their back? His moral.

Steve drums are shoves? Here's the thing. This ally that these steeled, that silly sow makes these steel drums out of is so strong. It's the best thing he's found for making his mechanical armor out of. It's all steel drums head to toe. Every piece of your armor is a steel drum. His reclaimed steel drum. Thank you.

If you ever get caught in a hailstorm. Yes. It's melodic. It's beautiful. Clackety, clackety, clack. I say, do you think you could wrap up here? Because there's something, and this is me saying this, there's something weird going on magically that I need to get a second opinion on. Do you think you could, you know, finish up here, get the crew back to shore and all that stuff?

And I'll let you wear the special hat. Can I wear it for a week once you're back also? You can wear it for four days once I'm back. Unless I get back on like a Friday because I do, you know I need it on the weekends. But, okay, I get to wear it for half of Sunday. Okay, fine. He has got it. And he immediately turns and starts yelling at the group and is trying to shout them down while they're in the middle of like just a full yub-nub situation.

And he kind of like leaves the crew to it and is going to go ahead and like swing on a rope. But it's not as majestic or as interesting. It's a very like he does like a cool flip and lands in a three-point stance. But because it's so like wrote to him, he just kind of gets up, brushes himself and heads over to the enemy captain and begins negotiations. Okay, I see that my work here is done. I nod to the crew and I activate my boots, my winged boots, and blast off into the air from jets firing out of my feet. And as I go, I cast Skywrite and leave my trademark catchphrase, which I write, Pirates find out in cursive.

And then I blast off heading back to civilization. Amazing. You hear the cheers of your crew as you like head on over. Where do you head to Davenport? Hmm. If it's if it's magic stuff, I think I'd head to Lucretia. Nice. I think I would go to wherever the bureau is now.

Like the bureau is, I believe, station. now, right? I forget where it ended up. Vegas. Vegas. Fantasy Vegas. Actually, as you're sort of in route, you pull out your adventure zone.

Yeah, of course. And you call up Lucretia, and she's like, Bureau of Benevolence. Hello, Daniel. Just hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I find like a rock I can set down on from flying.

Sorry. Yeah. It's so loud. Yeah. How, how are you? Good. Hey, do you know anything about like a time magic thing that's happening right now that is sort of eroding a sort of intropic? Any of this sort of hidden for you? Not specifically, but I'll put in a call. I'm going to drop a pin. Meet me at Taco's House. I was going to swing by for dessert.

Kravitz invited me. All right. I'll see you there. And like I always say, when we talk on the phone, which happens very often. All the time. All the time. I say, oh, no, the wind's picking back up again. Oh, gosh.

I got to click. And she just sort of. I love when Griffin creates those moments. So he puts himself on the spot and then escapes the spot. The man escapes this body. I remember it halfway through that that Lucretia did sort of brainwashed Davenport to a degree where he could only say his own name for a day. Like a little, it was the Voigtfish. Yeah, I guess.

Yeah, I think halfway through that phone conversation, he was like, oh, wait, this is awkward. Yeah, I'm getting off. Amazing. So, yeah, she, like, hangs up and stares at her adventures in for a while before sighing. and she like puts down this like lemon tart that she was very excited to show off and starts sending out texts to Magnus and Merle to all meet up at Taco's place that everyone's uh she says earliest convenience uh and follows they know what that means yeah exactly yeah exactly she does not tell Taco she assumes that that it's fine and everyone just constantly like infringes on your your goodwill Magnus uh I text Lucretia back. Do you know anything about fixing magical swords? Anything about that?

I text immediately after, weirdly. Do you know anything about fixing non-magical baritone steel drums? She gives you, like, the boomer ellipses of just, like, three dots, and then they go away, and then three dots, and then they go away. Oh, God. And then, like, a minute break, and then no. Great. Great, great. And Merle texts.

Do you know anything about season two of Ted Lassau? And you receive Merle just a wall of text of all of her thoughts and speculation because she's only a couple episodes into season one, but she has feelings and instincts about it. So then we pick up Taco, you and Kravitz, and Susan, who has just been, she's been that super like fake nice. Like, she's trying too hard to, to, like, rebuild the bridge. You've had a lovely dinner. What did you do? You knew that she was going to be bringing the mutton that was, like, the featured recipe that you guys were shooting. Did you make any, like, accoutrement with it?

I ordered Thai. What I care. What does he got to prove? I wanted to eat Thai. Didn't feel like cooking. Ordered Thai food. Amazing. It was good.

I heard it from the good place. It takes like an hour and 15 minutes to get there, but it's like worth it. Yeah. And she brought the mutton and she's like, hmm? And he's like, I forgot. I'm so sorry. Oh, God. You know what?

Poor Kravitz is just sitting there like just reluctantly eating the set mutton while occasionally whenever Susan isn't looking like trying to steal some of your pad tie. Like please just let me have a little. It's, this is dry. I don't. Let me have some of your I have to eat both I'm in the middle of this

I hate this I'm sorry I'd use magic to make your button taste better but I don't do that anymore I'm out of the game That's a conversation for another day And then Susan like picks up again

And she's probably like Two or three glasses deep Into a very buttery fantasy chardonnay And it's just picking up In the middle of like And then so I was telling Everyone for the shoot that we were going to do for wizard robes.

No, we're not going to do silver stars on a blue rope. Everyone's a silver stars on a blue rope. You know what I mean, right? Taco. I can call you Taco, right? Oh, for sure. That's my only name. Yeah, for sure.

Yeah, some robes, absolutely. I can see you. That's the hard thing about doing on a podcast. Like you're used to podcasting, and people can't say. And you have to remember this is a visual medium now, too. Yeah, well, I, you know, I got allergies. That's what people say, right?

Yeah, allergies. And she drains the glass, kind of sets it down, and now you guys are locked into a terrible loaded silence. Let's see. Merle, you're the first to arrive. How do you enter? I'm not going to assume for you. What do you do?

Hello, party people. Hello? Just gives you a look. Party people? Hey. Babe, what is this? I'm hearing Merle. Why am I hearing Merle?

It's open. Ah. Hey, hey! Let the fun begin. Merle, you remember Susan? Oh, hello. Susan. Susan, she watched her cat before and now she's a photographer

because she and cravets her pals. Oh, right. I'm incredibly good. It's so nice to see you, though. How are you? I love that cat. Such a shame. Yeah, that was too bad.

You don't get to kill my cat. You two don't just get to kill my cat. You're inferring. You're inferring. Justin, look at me. I'm a fucking DM. Your cat's That's fair

Okay, well, I didn't It's been a while actually Wait, wait It's been a while Is that mutton? Oh, it is Would you like so? Hold on

And she like immediately like Sets down her glass And sloshes someone over the side And starts like carving you A piece, she hops up Just, uh, no boundaries in your kitchen Like grabs a plate, pulls up a chair for you, Merle and like proceeds to

You Hey, so. Hey Susan, you spilled a little wine You could probably use some of the mutton to blonde it up It seems super absorbent. I didn't hear that because I'm trying to be a good hostess taco Sure, for sure, for sure, for sure, for sure I actually didn't want any mutton

I just recognized the aroma. I was Jones and for a little padkiyu If you've got any Yeah, for sure We ordered from the good place And what's the stuff that smells like? like a sneaker, but tastes real good. Oh, larb.

Larb. Yeah. I would love some larb. Love a larb. Love a larb. It's right about this time when Magnus, you rock up. Hey, am I early? Hold on. We're talking about larb. Oh, you all are talking about larb? Love a larb.

Love a larb. Is this low carb larb? It's low carb larb. Oh, I love that. I brought a salad necois. That was supposed to be for Barb, but she didn't come. Oh, that's Barb. So that's Barbed La Carb Larp Larp.

Oh, right, right, right, right. See, this is that team thing. We do so well. I brought a arguable at this point, arguable. I made a salad necoys, but I think I burned it. That's not what that's called. You burned a salad? Yeah.

What part? Like the middle? I think it's still good. The outside's still good. Oh, is that Susan? Hi, Magnus, it's so nice. Do you want some mutton? Um, and Taco look, uh, Magnus looks at Taco Merle. No. No. I'll have some tie, though. Is there extra tie?

That's fine. Which for sure, for sure. We ordered from the good place. Oh, yeah? Yeah, it takes about an hour and 15 minutes, but it's worth it. Yeah, man. Any more of that chardonnay, though? So much more, I'll grab you with glass.

Yeah, make it a big glass. I don't like having to do refills a bunch of time. It's easier if you just, like, get a big glass the first time and sip on it. Why don't you touch a... Trevor, I would appreciate it if you let Magnus, not Travis. Oh, I don't drink Chardonnay. I'll take it. But if you have any sparkling water, I'll take a sparkling water.

We should get back to adventure. There's got to be so. I thought that's right. And I'm talking about foods that are good. So, yeah, Susan's running around trying to grab stuff for you. And Davenport, you land at roughly the same time, Lucretia's walking up, and you both have that, like, awkward moment outside the front door. Are you, you're still in the suit, yes?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah. He didn't have the four people it requires to help take it off. Yeah, four people in four hours to get that off of his body. I say, uh, were we, were we supposed to, were we supposed to bring something? Were we supposed to bring food? Shit, I left the tart.

No, don't worry about it. It's, it's taco. He's probably made a bunch of very delicious food. Uh, hold on. I dig around my bag. I have some rations that I, like, get out. out and I take out one of my plates, like a steel drum plate, and I like arrange the rations on it. Like I just got a spread from the fantasy Costco.

Yes. I hold it as we approach the door. Let's some very dry chakoutre. Can we say it's from both of us? God almighty. Thank you. And she knocks on the door. It just immediately swings open.

And you guys are both. Everyone is now here in and amongst the scene. Taco, you're your whole night. Just sort of overtaken by your friends. What do you do? I feel like he's maybe being like weirdly disconnected, like busying himself too much with like dishes and straightening up. You know what I mean? Like not really like dialed in to the thing.

And like not not being rude necessarily, but not necessarily like engaging, I guess. Yeah, so you in your sort of like laps around to try to like grab stuff and keep tidying and like bringing chairs in, you look out of like one of the windows of your, your home and you see, you see movement in the bushes. I'm going to roll a perception. Please do. Hey, 18. Let's go. Plus. Oh.

Seven. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. this was an incredibly like brief flash through the bushes. Sort of in that like you see a thing and then your brain contextually like puts it together afterwards, you realize a couple things. One, that person didn't walk through your field of vision from the window like from left to right

coming around towards your side door. They emerged from the bushes. The hedge that like terminates at the wall of your home. So there's maybe some questions about where your bush is. go to. And you see like just a flicker of like it's a very tall live humanoid form and a long green hair sort of tucked under like a blue beanie. And like the one thing that sticks with you even though you didn't get a good read on this person's face or like really anything else about them in this like flash of movement was at the like very edge of their hair where

the beanie sort of was sitting on the hair seems to fade out. to an almost white color. And then they disappear from view moving past the window. Hmm. Back in the living room, Magnus is talking with Kravitz. Hi. Yeah.

So have you given any more thought to adopting a dog? Because I think I've got the perfect one for you. Smart as a whip. His name is Poki. He's a Pomeranian. Yes. Oh, but listen. Oh.

Super smart, easy, like trainable dogs. Aren't they very yappy, though. No. No. And this might be presumptive. I'm going to roll an inside check. I did bring him. You brought, you brought.

Yeah, and Magnus opens up his bag and pulls out Poki the Pomeranian. Oh, my God. Oh, listen, I'm just so sure you're going to love this guy. He's great. Did you have a dog in your bag? Yeah. That's not acceptable. It's not acceptable.

It's a dog carrier. You have a giant starfish in your. bag. That's a good point. It's not a real. Hold on. Wait, Mac, you know it's not a real starfish, right? I was just describing...

It's fantasy. The shape... Okay. But it's not a fantasy starfish, though. I was describing the shape. I should have just said star. Okay. Right now, there are all these fan artists.

There's no one who thought it meant an actual big starfish made out of steel drums. That's fair. Okay. Amazing. In the like couple of moments where you guys start arguing with Magnus about the like moral grayness of a dog bag. It's a dog carrier. People use them all the time. Kravis has already like soul bonded to this dog and just like he's lost.

He's he's in it and about it and just very into this dog. Taco is now like very focused on the growing awareness that they will probably have this dog. That this dog will probably be living with them. You actually see a crab that's like lifts the dog over his head so the dog can make eye contact with you. It just gives a little like, I need everyone here to make a, let's call it a charisma saving throw as the door is thrown open. How am I on that? That's 12.

Uh-huh. Mine is a 14 plus 2. 16. Beautiful. Mine is a 13 plus 5, 18. Damn, Earl. 16 even Oh

Everyone Taco has a plus zero charisma It you know I made the sheet before I made the guy Yeah, that's true You hate to see it How it works It makes him even more inspirational

Look how far he's come Against all odds I guess it's genetic makeup So Everyone but Davenport Well Davenport and Lucretia You all feel And smell like

mint and flowers that are so ripe that they're about to rot and like fresh running water and like honey just sort of pushes in on the wind as this door is thrown open Davenport and Lucretia you guys are both stunned for the next minute as you are hit with this just wave of visions of like massive plants that are grown over, like monstrously sized flora and fauna, and this creeping dread and fear and awe of nature simultaneously, as you are getting visions of the Faywild as a person who, Taco, you are now getting a full view of them, sort of pushes into the room,

and they adjust the, like, incredibly shiny, like, thin drop of sage green, hair, they tuck it behind their ears. Their skin is, it's got, it's very pale, but it's got an almost lilac cast to it, very angular features, sort of rose gold colored eyes with pupils of pure white that seem to almost glow and burn at the center of their gaze. They're long and tall and wearing like an open sort of like jaunty linen shirt. And you can see sort of like in their chest and neck, these like incredibly intricate vine and flower tattoos. And I just sort of fold their arms very calmly in front of them as this like brunt of magical energy washes over all of you.

And they just give a little nod and say, Oh, you're all in one place. That's, that's great. Hey, Merle, shot in the dark. They with you? I'm just guessing. Just like your date? No, but I like the giant floral approach.

That kind of, you know. Okay, nope. That was my fault. This is charming. What are you doing in my home? I'm the Herald of Istis, and we need to talk. Oh. Shot the dark, good?

No. Good stuff? No. No, of course not. Yeah. Well, Harold, come on in. Sweet. And they sort of push.

and immediately go to like the open seat that Susan's vacated while she was also trying to run around and be a good hostess and immediately sits down and starts eating. I think there's maybe some like wonton soup. Like there's like a soup situation happening. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, they immediately help themselves to that. And in the intervening time, down important Lucretia, your stun effect wears off. And they're just sort of gently like lading some soup into a bowl and they like look at you. both the herald of bad news and deeply unbothered in this moment, like, simultaneously.

Well, then try this burnt salad. Only the middle. Listen, I don't want to tell you how to do your job, but we, if there's something we need to take care of, just tell, like, we're going to have, like, a whole kind of dinner thing. It was shaping up to be, and this is kind of in the way of it. So if you would just, like, tell us the message, we can fix it, and then get back to, I don't know, whatever we were doing. Sure.

My name is Kuo, by the way. Okay. Great. Hey. Hey. Have you... Davenport. It's my name.

Sorry, I didn't know if you knew all of our names. Do you know our names? I've been caught up to date on all of you, yes. Okay, I'm wearing a suit of armor. I didn't know if you can't see my face under it, but it's Davenported here. Well, I mean, can you take it off so we can have a normal conversation? Can you hang out? It smells a little weird.

It's about to smell even weirder. Do you want me to start working on it while we get this message? Yeah, I'll tell you what, everybody take an appendage and grab some solvent and just start pulling. This is sort of the fast way to get out of this. Okay. And then I'm drawn in quarters as they help me take off my... Kuo just stares. at you and eventually is like,

uh, actually maybe, maybe, maybe, maybe leave it on. No, once I started, I'm not stopping. Yeah, this is like unwrapping a present. Highly recommend. And they sort of twist their fingers and you see like

a little vine erupts out of the crevice of your armor and wraps itself around your hand, Magnus and kind of holds it there. Again, highly recommend that maybe you leave it on and hear what I have to say.

Strength check. I don't like being bossed around. Yes. So that's a 19 plus 5, or 24. You immediately tear through. And, uh... No, the vine.

Tear through the vine, not the vine. There would still a tug. There'd still be a tug. There'd still be a tug. There's still a significant tug happening. Oh yeah, no, no, no. You're going to have to...

And Kuo kind of gives you a look, Magnus. Like, you want to do this? Like... Well, I don't know if you know this or who you're talking to, but the people in this room saved not just this universe, but every plane. So maybe don't condescend and maybe don't grab people without their permission. And that's a good role whether you're dealing with sort of demigods like us

or just folks. And my thing that I'm going to say is I don't use magic anymore. So I'm kind of just watching this whole thing go down. and don't, Magnus, I would recommend not writing checks that your proverbial weapons can't cash because there's no magic assistance coming from T. Okay. And Merle says,

could you bring that vine back? Oh, God. I mean, that's okay, that's all right. It's an absolute habit. I'm going to need you to focus, Merle High Church. So here's the thing. Taco, I was not aware that you're not doing magic. That's going to be a problem.

He says that a lot. We haven't tested it if we're being honest. Okay, well, let me put it this way. You're about to be tested right about now. And all of you can feel sort of under your feet the rumbling of the approach of several figures. And you hear the clattering. of armor. What do you want to do?

I very suddenly take my glove back from Magnus and snap it back into place. Yeah, Magnus is going to draw Chance Lance and Real Splitter and square off with the door, I guess. And Taco takes a crossbow off the wall and says, this is a crossbow. Yep. Yeah, I know how it works. Okay. And Merle finishes the bottle of buttery chardonnay. Beautiful.

It was three quarters full. Susan is heartbroken. But she doesn't say anything as she sort of like is staring at the window and like slinks back into like a back room. As you all sort of turn and look out the door and you see a horde, a small troop of these like soldiers in, dark black armor that's sort of matte. And in the evening, like, even the moonlight doesn't really reflect enough off of it. So you're sort of losing them in the distance. But then you see little bits of what looks like burn across different parts of their body as they're slowly being consumed by fire or entropy or something else. And Kuo picks up the empty bottle, kind of tilts it into,

to their face is disappointed and sets it down and says, you're about to meet the legions of the slow burn, the time, Drake, you're going to want to fight. Okay. And I need all of you to roll initiative. And that's where we're going to leave off. Yeah. Yeah.

I got a two. We'll do this next time, I guess. Okay. But I rolled it so bad. I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that and we'll roll it before we started. But I got a 19. Can't we just. Man.

I'll write it, Dan. Don't write down my two. I didn't hear it all. Maximum Fun. A Worker Owned Network of Artist-owned shows. Supported directly by you.