The Always Sunny Podcast - The Waitress is Getting Married

Episode Date: May 1, 2023

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Hey, Glenn, yes, okay, what we got a champ over here. Oh, yeah, a real champion. They give me a medal on everything. Do you have a trophy? Do you have a big trophy that you're going to keep in your home? The trophy stays with the club, but they put a medal on me and I could and at the moment, no, it was just like, like, you know, like when I got, you know, best attendance in baseball. Sure isn't, pal. This is top of the league. Yeah, right. But I guess what I mean is like, do the do is this a medal? Is this a tradition for owners of teams in the league that you're in to get a medal if you are at the top of the league? Or did they make a medal for you and Ryan because you're you and Ryan? Fair question. You know what I'm saying? I asked that.

We are very aware of that. We're very aware of that. And and I guess everybody gets a medal, but I was both excited in the moment when they put it on. We were just elated, but it is a little bit embarrassing to be wearing a medal for something you really didn't do. Hang on a second. Now, if you're the trainer and you've taped people's ankles up all year long for the Boston Red Sox, Sox from the World Series, you get a World Series ring. You deserve that sucker. What am I? Has you taped somebody's ankles? Yeah, you're part of a team. It's a team effort. Okay. It is a team effort. If you fucked up someone's ankle taping and they fucking sprained their ankle like trying to score in the final game and you don't win because it's your fault. What if you still won

and homeboy sprains his ankle and you still get a medal? Because it's not just about that one fan. It's a team. It's an organization. And that's why Oscars are better than, um, you know, sports awards because they're subjective, arbitrary, individual and individual. So not only are you getting awarded for your imaginary achievements, uh, you know, you're getting to take all the credit. Yeah, as an actor. One thing that we were, that I'm very cognizant of, I'm, I always find it creepy when they award the, say the Super Bowl trophy or the NBA finals trophy or, uh, or the World Series, they give it to the, to the owners. And it always creeped me out. Yeah, it's always a bad look. Ryan and I were nowhere near, even

when the guys were celebrating with the champagne and everything, we were like, this is their moment. Like they should have it. They're the ones that earned it. And then eventually you come in for the final. Now are you on camera saying that? Because, because that, that's a good look. You know what I mean? Well, no, it was shot that way. I mean, maybe I can, I can, I can say that on the documentary, but I don't think it needs to be said. Well, now that you're, you've won the league. Yes. Right. Uh, and you're going to be promoted. Yes. Um, what's going on with that style? I see that it's, it's gone, it was down here when we were on the tour. And that's such an interesting thing to me. It's, it's the little guys, the little white blood cells and all the guys that

are fighting the infection, they were, they were down here, even though they're always supposed to be up here, the guys that were trying to get them. So, so basically what's happening is that the good guys are finally getting to where they were supposed to be all along to fight the bad guys. Yeah. And, uh, man, I just can't get rid of it. Now I would think that the stress, I don't feel any more anxiety or stress. So that, so now it's just a big ball of pus and blood that's sitting. You know, it's cool. You could start like having eye patches. I thought of it. You know, like you could like wear an eye patch. Pretty sweet. Pretty sweet. Yeah. You could get like a rex of my patch for when you're over there. You know what I mean? No, or just whenever you're

on camera. Yeah. Promote the team. Um, yeah, yeah, that's not, that's not a bad idea. But you could like in this battle that's going on inside there, there could be a, a rexum level, you know, tier five soccer level battle happening inside your eye. Yeah. Wow. Think about that. All those little guys battling it out. And then at the end, somebody might get a medal. What are the feelings? What are the emotions? Because, you know, obviously we've had a lot of luck and success in our careers and gotten to do some big, exciting things. And we've gotten that one-on-one relationship with the fans when we tour around, which is pretty amazing. Um, describe the feeling of winning the league of trying to do it. And like, and how does it compare to other,

other feelings that you've had? Yes. Thank you for a fair question. Um, you guys still have feelings? There is a, there is a moment. I don't know. I'm assuming. The moment that we actually won the game, I don't remember it all. I kind of blacked out. I went because, you know, it looked like you and Ryan almost fell over the balcony. Yes. Like simultaneously. And I didn't, and I didn't, I didn't know that until I, until Paul, because Paul Rudd shot that because he was right behind us. And he showed us that video and you see both of us at the same time, almost like collapse in unison. Something left our bodies. And I don't remember doing that at all. And neither to see. Maybe something entered your bodies from the back. Just, just, just consider it. Just

consider it. That's what I mean. Like as opposed to something pulling out of your body and pushing you forward, that could have been something that entered you. I think it was, um, I think it was years of, I think it was a catharsis because that was our stated goal. And it was something that was, and we talk about this all the time, um, in all sincerity, if, if Ryan and I were to walk away from this, we would be fine. Um, because of so many different reasons, notwithstanding the reason that we're sitting here right now, but there is a whole town, um, that we promised two and a half years ago to do our best to give them, uh, this moment. And, and we didn't know how long it would take a year, two years, five years, 10 years. Um, we didn't know. And we didn't know if it would

ever happen because that's kind of the beauty of sport is that at the end of the day, you can put all the pieces together, but if it doesn't happen out on the pitch, it's not going to happen. So, for, for that moment to happen, uh, I think for us was a tremendous relief because we feel like we've delivered on our promises. Right. Yeah. That makes sense. And, and you see how the town reacted. I mean, yeah. Yeah. Massive. Sweet, sweet thing. Yeah. And I'm, I, I'm going back, I'm going back on Tuesday for 24 hours. Are you? For what? Uh, they're having a big civic event. Oh my God. You've got to fly all the way over there just for 24 hours. It's worth it, but it's, uh, it's tough. It'll be my eighth trip this year. It's hard to get to. It's very, yeah,

we're hard to get to from here. Maybe not hard to get to from Liverpool, but definitely not hard to get to from, from, from Liverpool. And now are you flying into Liverpool? Will you be flying into Liverpool? Yeah. It's, it's, it's always tricky, but, um, hopefully, uh, we have a couple of new sponsors coming up this, this year and four walls, whiskey, four walls, whiskey, but they're not going to help get me from Los Angeles to, well, no, we get a nonstop. We get a nonstop play in all the bills. Can we stop down to talk about the name Liverpool for a second? Is it a pool full of livers? Is it, is it like something pooling up in your liver? That's what I think it is. It's, yeah. It's alcohol. It's alcohol and it's pooled up in your

liver. Yeah. And it's a town. I got a question for you. What, the, the, if you're from Liverpool, you were called? A liver puddleon. Or, so a liver puddleon, which is the strangest. This is crazy. A liver puddleon. So the pool turned into a puddle. A liver puddleon. Somehow the pool got smaller. The pool turned into a puddle, I guess. Why, why would you be? Yeah. Why wouldn't you be a liver puddleon? A liver puddleon. Which sounds sort of alien, but liver puddleon doesn't sound that much less alien. So yeah, it's a good point. So you're either a liver puddleon or something else. Oh, so you can be called something. Okay. I've only ever, let me think. Now, and this is sort of a, it's a, it's a liver pipe. And I don't know where this came from. We'll

have to look it up. But Paul Mullen, our, our star striker is liver puddleon, but he does not call himself a liver puddleon. He would call himself a proper. Okay. Hold on. Wait, don't, don't say it. Footballer. He's definitely a proper footballer. Oh yeah. He is. Good God. Wow. His performance in that last game. I mean, his performance the whole season, just incredible. Um, and such a lovely, lovely, lovely guy. I had the opportunity to talk to him for a solid 10 minutes after the game, the match that we went to. And I was just struck at how completely and totally down to earth he was. I mean, there was nothing, there's no pretense there, obviously, but just so, such humility and all he wanted to talk about was his family. You know what I mean? Like,

I don't know, just such a lovely guy. They're all like that. They're all like that. I mean, the liver puddleon way. Yes. Or the proper lip. Scouser. Oh, that I would never. Yeah. Say what? Scouser. Scous. If you're, if you're like, uh, they say scous. Well, why? With a scous, a scouser. That also sounds like something that my pool guy would do, right? Liver pool, liver puddle, like that a scouser would come in and get the bottom of the pool. Scous the pool. You got to scous the pool every so often to get the algae off. Scous all the liver pipes that are on top of the pool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Before it puddles up. A scouser. A scouser. But these are all related things because if you ask me about how I feel,

and I think about Paul and I think about the town, I think about that experience, it is surreal. You're standing up in that box and they're singing songs to you about you. That was very surreal to me also being there. I'm like, you know, this is my buddy that I've known for 20 years, 20 plus, no, more than 12, my God, like 22 years, you know, who had to borrow money from me at one point in order to stay afloat. Yeah. And now there's a stadium full of people like cheering his name. Super weird. I felt relieved. Like finally, like you're going to be okay and we can move on with our lives. You know what I mean? Like, yeah. Well, although it's just let us free. He might be leveraging himself to a point. He can let us go, man. I don't know.

No way. He might be. Yeah. No, he's never. I know where my bread's buttered. I know where my bread's buttered. I'll keep this. No, I got it for life. Super trapped. Yeah, it's okay. Hey, there's no one I'd rather be trapped with, pal. Thank you. I feel the same way. Well, but truly, so you see how what a surreal experience that is and then amplify that by a factor of 10 going through that through the winning of the league. And then just the surrealness of how large it seemed. Like I was with Ryan and Elton John called to talk to like to congratulate us. What? Bizarre. Like we were hearing from people. I mean, you know, the prime minister of the UK gave us a shout out today in Parliament. We heard from the king. I mean, it's bizarre.

Yeah. People are into the sport, man. A lot of pride, I think, rippling throughout the entire country, right? Yes. Possibly clearing up any divides, any division that's happening within the entire country itself. Possibly. Possibly. Possibly. Possibly. Between the north and the south. Savification. Any, why was Paul right there? Well, that's, yeah. I feel incongruous. What's so great. This is what's so great. Well, he's an ant. He can make himself any size and I think move through the quantum realm. Did he get stuck in someone's pocket? I think what happened was he actually traveled through the quantum realm is, which is a much faster way of traveling. Another lovely guy. Well, also I have fantastic, but also Joe Russo was there. So Joe Russo,

who is not as famous as Paul Rudd, but directed two of the biggest movies of all time, certainly the number one. Jaws and Titanic. Right. No, two different guys. Those are two different guys. Oh, yes. The most Star Wars. The most popular movie of all. And Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark. Yeah. They're swimming in the, he's swimming in the same waters. Yeah, yeah. Paul came because he was shooting Ghostbusters at London. He's friends with Ryan. And it just so happened that he was planning to come to this game. And isn't it just like Paul Rudd's life to just, of course, to show up at that. Yeah, we won the whole thing. Yeah, I don't know. He doesn't, he doesn't have a talk. Right. No.

Yeah. So you had Paul Rudd, he had one Russo brother. You got a call from Anthony. No Anthony. Yeah, we just, Joe. It was just Joe. Yeah, just Joe and his family. But nevertheless, I mean, just a transcendent experience that's hard to describe. But to put it into some kind of perspective, I stayed out all night long with the players trying to keep up with their alcohol intake. And I did pretty well, but they're large young men. And I got very drunk and had a blast. And then. Did you say anything stupid and where you on camera? I was on camera the entire time, which is why I didn't say anything stupid. But you get the shirts came off at one point. And I was like, this is where the chairman keeps his shirt on. Oh, really? Yeah. I would have

think that the chairman could have taken his shirt off at that point. I would have felt like when those guys get to be your age, they're going to look like shit. And I'll tell you why. Because they've been doing all this running around and training. And then, you know, they're going to have the kids and they're going to be dealing with all that stuff and the life stuff. And they're not going to have the pressure of the camera constantly pointing at them, which you have, which is a good incentive to kind of keep your shit tight. It sure is. It really is. It's good to take that camera away. You can just live your life. Yeah. Yeah. But also, like, you don't like if you maybe if you did comedy your entire life, right? And then you retired from

comedy, you're not going to go home to your, to your comedy room and your giant house and do more comedy, right? So these guys are working out all the time, right? So once they retire, they're like, oh, God, I imagine, you know, they're like, I don't want to work out anymore. I want to stop working out. That's the whole thing. I've been doing that. Injuries. Injuries. Now, they're physical specimens. They look great like forever. Some of them are so goddamn handsome and charismatic. It just drives me crazy. I don't understand the preponderance of extraordinarily good looking men in English football. Yeah. It's astounding how often I see a person who's as talented as they are, who could also straight up be a male model. Yeah. And there's numerous examples of that.

Now they weren't all, they're not all like that. Let's be honest. Some of them are ghoulish and awful to look at. But they're astounding to watch on the field. You know what I mean? But just the number of them that just so happened to also be so incredibly good looking, what is that? I don't know. They're at a great age, right? They're all 20 years old. Yeah. So that's when you're going to look pretty good. Yeah, but look, I mean, they're in great shape. That's a big combo. But I'm talking bone structure. I'm not just talking hairstyle. I'm not talking, I'm talking like pure genetics. Just handsome. Give it time. Give it time. Okay. You know, remember us in our 20s? Some handsome fellows. I don't know. I looked

at some of those old episodes. I'm like, I think we look better now. But that's just in some ways, I feel like I look better now. Although things are, you know, you start to see little things here and there, but we don't have to get into that. Anyway, the experience was, was, was incredible. And I, and I wasn't looking for this long an answer. It was just, I just like, it was, it was cool. You know, you could have just said like, well, I'll, I'll, I'll end it with this. I'll end it with this because you asked, and I'll give you the, I'll give you the answer to put it in perspective when I flew home after the big celebration, knowing I was going to come back and, and hearing from everybody and having thousands

of emails and texts and here and seeing it all over the news. And, and then also having just come off this like massive tour where we were in front of tens of thousands of people. And I landed back in LAX and I came home and, and there was nobody home because the kids had gone out and they were at Garden Palooza. And I landed at home and, and I had all this, my bags and I had all this laundry and I realized like, oh, I got to do the laundry because I'm not going to have clothes. So, so I was home alone doing the laundry and I got a text from Caitlin and she said, can you feed the dogs? That's the reality. Yeah. That's the reality. That's life. That's life. Well, I'm sitting there and I'm doing my laundry and I go down

and I feed the dogs and, and I'm looking at the time and I'm waiting for my kids to come home and they come home and they're happy to see me because they haven't seen me because we were away for a couple weeks. And then we had dinner and I went to bed and woke up the next day and took them to school. And because that's it. If we keep learning this lesson, you hear the, you hear the behind the music story of the rise and fall of people all the time and that shit is real. If you think that standing up on that stage and hearing 10,000 people screaming for you or being up in that box and waving like the queen and having people sing to you is going to make you happy, you are fucking dead wrong. You're a hundred percent, you're a hundred

percent right. If that, if that time where you were home feeding the dogs, doing your laundry and then hanging out with your kids felt like a letdown, that would be a scary thing, right? Because, because that those are, to be fair, it does feel like a letdown because just by, like biochemically, you're, you're all of that serotonin that's like literally like coursing through our bodies for those three weeks. You, you feel that high. That just like depletes and your brain is like, wait, where is that thing? So I get why people turn to drugs, alcohol or like the constant like adoration is because you want your brain is going to get that thing back. So if you're not cognizant of it, and we're lucky because we're in our late 40s, mid 40s,

where we can internalize and then rationalize that. But if you, if you don't, if you can't recognize it, oh, you feel a little down right now, but it's not because you don't like your life. It's not because you, you can't do your own laundry. It's because it's just a biochemical response. And if you can be grateful for the fact that you get to come home to this family and, and you get to, to also do those other things, that's where the problem is. And so when you talk about Paul Mullen, like what a great example of a superstar who can live in the limelight, but really all he wants to do is talk about his family. Yeah, go home and play with this kid. Because that's it. You need the foundation upon which to lay all that other stuff. And then

everything else is, is really fun, but it really is kind of the icing. I can't find it doing the laundry. You know, okay, to be fair, I'm not suggesting that you need to be happy. If I've got some good tunes on, I'm happy to do just about anything around the house, but I need the music. You need the music. Yeah, I'm not suggesting that doing some kind of like menial or manual labor should be a joyous experience. But if you find yourself thinking that you're above it, or that you don't belong there, and that where you actually belong is in front of time. You're still going to have diarrhea at one point in your life. And how cool are you then? Although Jill was talking about getting a third dog and she was like, if we get a third dog, I think we should hire one of

those people that comes over and picks up your dog shit. And I was like, can we please not be those people that hire someone to come? I have two dogs. Although I did spend like... The amount of dog shit that they generate. It's astounding. It's astounding. I spent like 45 minutes the other day cleaning up dog shit. Yeah. And then they call, and then the dogs ran outside and shit like five more times. I was like, where is that? I will like, you know, like if a kid's coming over to play with my son and like, I'll go in the backyard and make sure like... You gotta. Cleanest can be... And then 10 minutes later, I'll do another little loop and be like, when did these guys... When did what? I didn't even see you. Who is it? I was out here. When were you?

Maybe it's not my dog. This is nothing more humbling than having to pick up the defecation of another species. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's the worst. Yeah. I'm going to pick this poop up and put it in a bag. Yeah. Yeah. And then I'm going to have to wash my fucking hands. You wash your hands afterwards? I do. Well, because the bags have a scent to them. And you're, you just feel, you just feel dirty too. Now are you guys using the biodegradable poop bags? Yeah, we are. Okay. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Just want to check on that, because they make some really good ones. And I want to make sure that that's, that we're all doing the right thing here. Yeah. I'm fucking hand sewing a fucking mitten

and throwing that. Well, anyways, all good stuff. I guess we should talk about the, I'm going to just, just as a little foreshadowing, I, I was alone in the hotel and I, I hit a certain point where I was like, I'm just so bored and the TV's not working. And I had a link to Glenn's movie and I know we're going to save it. We're going to, save it. Save it. Save it. Save it. I'll save it. I'll save it. Save it. Oh, have you watched it? I'm going to watch it tonight, right? We'll be talking tomorrow or Friday about it. Get it strapped in, baby. I'm so excited. I've been, I've been like, I had to withhold from texting you or calling you right after I saw it. I almost stopped halfway to call you and I was like, save it for the pod. Save it for the pod. But I have,

now I'm seeing you in person and I got to tell you, strap in. I can't wait. I can't wait to talk about it. It seems like what you're saying is that you enjoyed it and you enjoyed my performance. So I appreciate it. That fills me up. You're filling me up right now. Okay. I love it when you fill me up. Okay. Good. Nothing better than being filled up by your friends. Right? Getting filled up. Yeah. And filling, plugging those holes. You know what I mean? Plugging those God holes and filling us up. Get ready to get filled to the brim. Hey. What are we talking about now? What are we talking about now, boys? This one's for the fellas. This one's for the fellas. Where are my guy bosses out there?

No girls allowed, huh? This is dudes one. This is dudes for the dudes. Dudes. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Now that none of the women are listening, gentlemen, level with me. Has the thunder down under gone quiet? Are you going for gasps, but only getting laughs? Oh, no. So what you do is you go to bluetooth.com and you consult with the licensed medical provider that they have and you get approved for a prescription and then bam, dude, you're getting your boner pills straight to your door. They should just pop a BC on there on the box, right? So that everyone knows. Guys, I'm sorry. You can't say boner pills. It has to be boner tablets. Oh, okay. Sorry. Are you serious?

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details and important safety information. And we thank bluetooth for sponsoring the podcast. Thanks, bluetooth. And and enjoy your boners, everybody. Yep. So let's talk about it's always sunny in Philadelphia. Let's talk about a little bit. So by the way, Megan's not here. Yeah, Megan is not here. She went to Amsterdam to do drugs and hang out in the red light district, I'm sure. So did Mara, but Mara's back at work. Mara's back because she made it out, but Megan needed a few extra days getting high. Yeah, just getting stony baloney and doing mushrooms and doing mushrooms and yeah, possibly doing stuff in the red light district. Yeah. Yeah, really? That's very Megan. Are you suggesting she's selling it

or buying it? Well, I listen, I'm not suggesting anything. It depends on which drug she's on. I don't assume anything, especially about other people. I don't assume anything ever. I make no assumptions. It makes an ass out of you and me. Yeah, it does. And I don't even talk about the things that I see because what if I'm not seeing it right according to other people? That's right. That's right. So I'll stick to my lane here. Now, because Megan's not here, I got to sort of be the, and I know that you're the host. I'm going to be the host a little bit today. Thank you. Please do. Okay. Now, we don't even have to get to any of this because maybe we can just, you know, do what we always do, which is just talking, talking, talking, talking, talking.

Newsflash, great episode. Oh, man. Oh, man. A lot of fun. Because it was last minute I had to watch it this morning. I'm so happy. I watched it last night. I watched it last night. With Mary Elizabeth. Oh, you did? Oh, yeah, of course. Yeah, it was fun. I wish she could have been here. I invited her, but you know, she didn't want to adjust your schedule around it. So the podcast waits for no one. Yeah, that's right. The podcast waits for nobody. Although it did wait a couple weeks for us to get through our shit, didn't it? Well, wait for us. It's got to wait for us. We're the ones, we're the conductors. We're the conductors of that movie train. It's a lot of scheduling just to get three of us here. So it sure is. It sure is. Totally worth it. Totally worth it.

I'm with you, man. I was giggling my balls off watching this. A ton of fun. A lot of things we establish here, like Frank and Artemis' relationship. Yeah, right. This is the first time we established them. Now, am I mistaken in thinking that Danny's only in like, I can only think of him being in two scenes in this movie. I mean, in this episode, the second scene back from commercial, back from the opening titles when we're in the back office, and then the scene in Dee's apartment. Is he in anything else? That might be right. Yeah. And yet, he's so, so incredible. Even just the way he, in that first office scene, the way he hangs up the phone as we're walking in, it is a sense of like, I have a secret, but also like, kind of proud and kind of prideful,

almost like wanting us to ask him about it. Like so many different things happening there that- Who's the director on this one? I missed that. Savage. Savage. It's a great structural episode. Yeah, it is. Yeah, it's got a good structure to it. Yeah. Yeah. The ending is very satisfying, but we'll start at the beginning. It's like two, almost two A stories, right? Like, both stories have equal importance, and they're both super interesting. They weave together nicely. Yeah, and they weave together nicely. Oh, sorry. I also got to do a shout out for my close, close, close friend, Nick Wexler, who plays Brad Fisher, a guy who is almost exclusively known for working in dramas, mostly on television, does almost nothing but

dramas, and yet is one of the funniest people I've ever met in my entire life, and is dying to do more comedy, and is super, super funny. Yeah. Brad Fisher from high school. Brad Fisher. No way. You look amazing. Your acne cleared up really well. I kind of grew into myself. Yes, you did. Yes, you did. Why did I ever break up with you? Who's because of the acne? Was I because of the acne? Yeah. Yeah. When it got real bad, you dumped me, and you said it was because I was going to grow up to look like Edward James Olmos. I don't really remember saying exactly that. It's fine. We were kids. We were kids. We were kids. Anyway, love Nick Wexler. Yeah, shout out to Hector. Nassim Pedrat is in the opening. Yeah,

starts with Nassim Pedrat, pre-SNL, right? I believe it was just pre-SNL. Yeah, just before she got the show. Yeah, yeah. And you, every once in a while, will have, in fact, the entire guest cast in this episode is fantastic. And a lot of them are supporting characters that could have come back, but everybody kills. And every once in a while, and including, what's her name, Joy Osmanski? Yes, Joy. Joy, who I go on the date with. Yes. Good memory. She was fantastic. I feel like the three of us are dynamic in this episode. It's so fun. It feels to me like almost like when we started the show. Fire on all cylinders with that, with the three man relationship in this one. Yeah.

Yeah. And our motivation and drive is so simple, you know? So it's really just a very sort of just honest exchange of ideas that clash with each other. Two things that happened in this episode early that we have addressed that we did this early and then stopped doing it. Both one of which is we explain why we're about to do something, like very clearly, why we're going to help. Why do we have to help Charlie? Well, because he's good. We're afraid he's going to go postal if we don't. Right. As opposed to just helping Charlie, which adds. Although I would argue in this particular case, it does add sort of stakes to it,

whereas, which is hopefully why we left it in, not just because we felt. Well, I think this needs more justification than some of our crazy stuff because the characters are so self-centered. We needed to justify why you guys were going to do a nice thing, you know, that you had a self-centered motivation to do it for it to not just sort of feel. And in fact, we called D out for that very thing. She says. That's really funny because I was, I watched her first line where she's like, guys, we got to think about Charlie. And I was like, oh, wow, we, we're kind of writing like season one D there. And then we pull the rug out from under him like, oh yeah, good, good.

Yeah. Cause she's worried that he's going to. She's going to have to do the Charlie work. Yeah. She's going to have to do the Charlie work. Right. And the, oh right. The casual, the casual, uh, casualists casualness that you guys are talking about my character committing suicide. I mean, like, well, he's definitely going to commit suicide when he does, when he does, when he commits suicide. It's going to be a problem for all of us. Yes, it is. Yeah. By the way, guys, I forgot to introduce the episode that we're talking about today, but we could cut this in earlier or not. Uh, phones off.

Okay. This, so this is a little segment we like to call that is what happened. Season five, episode five, uh, the waitress is getting married aired on October 15th, 2009. It was written by Charlie Day and Glenn Howerton, two of my favorite people, and directed by Fred Salvage, special guest stars, Nick Wexler as Brad Joy Osmanski. Wow. As Jackie. I did. Oh, that's weird. Was that Rainford Day? Oh, that's so weird. Maybe. That recalls incredible. Nassim Pedrad as Lucy, who works in the wedding dress store. Again, shout out to Nassim, but also shout out to her sister Nina Pedrad, who was a writer on, uh, New Girl for a very long

time and has become one of our writers and has directed, uh, directed a couple, an episode this season. Yes. Yes. Uh, love, love, love them both. Summary, Dee tries to stop the waitress from marrying their mutual ex-boyfriend. Mack and Dennis helped Charlie start an on, start online dating and Frank and Artemis explore their new found food fetish. Boy, what a wonderful show this is, guys. Let's pop this off. Let's get it started. What do you guys want to talk about with regards to this episode? We'll cut that in earlier and then it will all flow. I think we'll leave it right where it is. Oh, yeah. Your hair is looking good today. Yeah. I noticed it was a little, like, permed.

You know what's funny? It looks permed. It's got a fringe. I noticed it. You put some sort of activator in it. And you know, I used a different, I used a different shampoo. It's this stuff called, oh, what's it called? It's like. Just for men. No, no, no, no. Well, that would be the color, wouldn't it? That would be the color. No, it's this stuff that's, what's it called? New? Oh, shit. But it's that. Jizz. Jizz. That's what it was. I washed my hair in jizz. Yeah, it looks sticky. It's this stuff. It doesn't foam up. And it's, it's like, I don't know. It was given to me by Hattie on our show, like a long time ago. And

I'd never tried it. I tried it for the first time. And I tell you something. I woke up this morning and my hair was a little bit, had a little bit more curl to it. Yeah. There's a curl. There's a little bit of a curl to it. It's a little bit of a curl to it. It's a little bit of a curl to it. But I, what's that? Only on the top? Only on the top. I don't know. It's a curl. You don't have enough on the sides to curl. Some kind of thickening serum as well. It looks great. No, no, no. While I have been, I do use one of those capillus caps as we've, as we've

established, well, we haven't established on the podcast, one of those red light therapy things, right? Just to keep the hair. Laser hat. It's called, we call it a laser hat. That's not what it is, but it's fun to call it that. That's what my wife calls it. Laser hat. Okay. This is a show for the common working man. Sure. Yeah. Talk about, but that has nothing to do with this.

And we're all, you know, stars are just like you. Stars, they're just like us. They use laser hats. They're using their laser hats. There you go. I'm begging about doing my laundry and feeding my dogs. This is available to, yeah. The laser hat's available to the general public. It's just, it is a little cost prohibitive. It can be quite expensive, but listen, if you want a full head of hair and

you want your, you know, your friends and your coworkers to compliment you on your beautiful curly hair the next morning, you got to go get yourself a laser hat. You don't want the cheap lasers. Now, the episode. The episode. Do you want me to ask you guys some questions? Sure. Yeah, what do you got? Okay. Cause we got some, I got some questions here. Do you want to talk about that? I was thinking, I mean, I asked, as I was walking in, I asked Mara and Chloe if they could possibly figure out a way to transcribe one of the scenes from the episode that maybe

we could act it out because it could be fun. Do we have that? I don't know if we have that. Mara, would you want to step on camera here for a second? Fly it on in. So you, you were, we're going to do one of those things where we recreate the scene. By the way, I love, I have to compliment Nick Wexler on his delivery. Like, you know, Caitlin goes, or D goes, uh, why did we, and he comes in right at the end.

It was because of the acne. Was it because of the acne? I love that exchange. Yeah. The timing of that is just. I like Mara Elizabeth in that scene where they come over for the date night or the, the party and Caitlin is just like saying all these horrible things. She's like, wow, you're making all that up right here. Yeah. Yeah. Um, having sex for, I love Caitlin's.

The scene where she stops the car, apparently she's just driving your car, which is a funny thing that we're like, I guess she took Dennis's car and she stops it in the middle of the road to get out. That's what people do in Philly because the streets are so narrow. Oh, it's hilarious. That people will just stop and then get out and go do whatever they have to do in the house. It's a good bit because there's no, there's no, there's no way to park. Oh my God. I had a gut yesterday. So Mara Elizabeth and I were driving it down Los Villas Boulevard. A guy does that. Uh, he gets out of his car.

I don't know for what reason and he's looking at his side door. Well, the car behind thinks, fuck this guy, I'm going to try to swerve around. But when the car pulls to the left to swerve around the guy, another truck is coming in, in that left lane and hits the brakes as hard as it can and stops just before hitting the car, trying to get around. If it had hit the car, it would have pushed the car forward, smashing the guy who got out to look at his fucking car. So that guy almost, almost died.

Just like he escaped, narrowly escaped a crushing. He narrowly escaped a crushing. There's no way he doesn't get liver puddle. He would have been living right in the middle of the street. There would have been, his liver would have been instantly puddled. Yeah. And that would have been it. They had to scous him right off the street.

So guess what? If you're a pool of scous, they'd have to scous, they'd get it. The scouser out to scrape them off. If you're in the middle of traffic, don't get out of your car. You know, just go ahead and pull over and look at whatever you got to look at. Don't just stop your car in the middle of a road that where people are going. You gotta get it. And if a guy's done that in front of you,

take a second before you try to swerve around him. You know what I mean? Just look. Life advice. That's what we're doing here on the Always Sunny Podcast. Yeah. Story would have been better if the guy did get crushed and killed, but not better for him, but more interesting for the fans. Yeah. Right. And here come the papers.

It goes by, everybody. She looks great. Hey, buddy! Hey, you made it out of the leather jacket on just for that entrance. She's sobering up from her entrance entrance. Oh, she's still high as a kite. She's coming down high as a kite. Are you high? And here come the dress.

Are you still high? Yeah. Just a little bit, she said. Nice. Still a little bit in the system. Slurring on that reply. That contact tie as well. This is the dating profile scene.

A simple scene. You guys are just coming over to put me on a dating website, and I am a strange man, and it doesn't go well. Yep. All right. Okay. So, Charlie. Yeah. We're going to get you back on the dating scene, bro.

What do you think about that? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually why we're here. We want to put your profile on match.com. Now, wait a minute. Hold on. I got stopped down for a second here. This was a match.com thing. We did have a little plug. Like a little...

No. Was that because of the concept of the episode, and somebody came to us and said, hey, let's do some product integration here? I think it was like that. Yeah. We had the episode idea, and they were like, hey, this is great. We could also... Could you plug match.com?

We're like, absolutely. Sure. We'll make money for you and not for us. Or it was none of that, and we didn't get paid at all. We didn't get paid at all. Well, no, we didn't. We never get paid for this. Well, we never get paid, but we got not sued. It was like, yeah, you can go ahead and say match.com. Yeah. It was like one of those.

We got not sued. Okay. Sorry. All right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. No, no. That's actually why we're here. We want to put your profile on match.com. Okay. I don't see why. I mean, I got the waitress, so... Yeah. Right. Yeah. But, you know, totally. But, you know, we thought,

you know, you know, we think that you could meet somebody new. Someone you like even more than the waitress. Yeah. I don't really see how that's possible. But all right. Tell you what, you know what? Let me pop a quick H on this box. That way we all know it's full of hornets and stuff. So it'll have an H on it. Okay. Well, do what you got to do.

And then we'll get started. All right. Good to go. Okay. This thing's like a bitch. So you want to have an H on there. Yeah. You sure do. Yeah. They are hornets. So that's why. You're going to get stung. Yeah. Okay. Watch out for that box with B on it.

What is that? Those are just Bs. Right. I should have put that together. Okay. All right. Well, listen, let's get to it. All right. First thing we got to do, we got to, we need to take your picture for the profile. Oh. Yeah. So do you have a makeup? Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Let's cover this up here.

Yeah. Okay. Well, I don't know. Come on. No makeup, guys. Well, those hornet stings are pretty, they're pretty bad buddies. So I think we got to have to... Yeah, but I am or am. Right. But let's do who you are minus the hornet stings. Yeah. Like, let's pretend like you're not who you are and just try to attract a woman.

Yeah. Okay. I'll tell you what. Should I get, I'll get like a checkered hat and a pipe and like that would work. What? Why? Why would you want a checkered hat? I don't understand. What is that? For the Sherlock Holmes look, you know, how he always, he has like a checkered hat. He has like a little...

Yeah. No, I, okay. Pipe, not a cob pipe, not a cheap pipe. Like a nice pipe. A nice one. Yeah. Well, why would you want to look like Sherlock Holmes? Like, what, what is that for? To attract intelligent women. Okay. I'm going to take a photo right now.

Without the makeup, we'll see if he... Snag that photo. We'll see if he likes that. Was that sexy? Was that sexy? Oh, you know what? We'll photoshop it. Yeah. You know, we'll...

I'm just this photogenic. Yeah. We'll deal with that later. Yeah. Was that a good one? Yeah. We'll fix him post. Okay. Yeah. We're going to... It felt like a good one. It felt sexy.

I can see, I can see where this is headed. So let's just, let's not do that right now. You want me to take another one? No. No. I don't think so. You got a good one? No. Well, we got one. We got one.

Let's start then. Okay. We'll find another picture of this. And that'll be fine. Let's talk about, let's talk about your likes and dislikes. Sure. What's your, what's your favorite food, for instance? No, milkshake, for sure. Definitely milkshake.

What? Milk, uh, milkshake, you know. I'm not putting milkshake. What even is that? Yeah. Put milkshake. Just put regular steak. Yeah. I don't know what a milkshake is. Don't put regular steak.

You put milkshake. Otherwise, she's not going to know what it is. No. No. She won't know what it is. Nobody knows what that is. Okay. Okay. It's milkshake. No, no, no, no. It sounds perfectly clear.

I don't know how it is. No. It sounds clear, but nobody knows what it is because it's not a thing. Okay. All right. All right. Yeah. Don't know. All right. Let's, what's, what's your favorite hobby?

Uh, magnets. Okay. Uh, what, like, like making magnets, collecting magnets, I don't know, just magnets. You know, like regular magnet stuff. No, no, no, no, magnet is. I'm just saying, what do you do with them? You know how they stick or like, sometimes they push each other away from each other?

Okay. You know what? I'm going to put snowboarding. Yeah. We'll put, let's put snowboarding. Sounds good. Snowboard, but okay. How do you magnet? You stick them or you push them apart from one another. And that's your hobby?

Yeah. I don't think I've ever seen it. I've never seen it. Okay. All right. I don't even eat a magnet. I don't do, you know, I don't like, try to show off and do it all the time in front of you guys. Show off.

Okay. Listen, let's move past that. Um, why don't we, what, what are some of your likes? Oh, ghouls, for sure. Okay. So what are you talking about? What are you talking about? No, ghouls. Like little, you know, little, little green ghouls. Like, you know, funny little, little green ghouls.

Like, like in movies, like in cartoons. What about ghouls? Like little, little green ghouls. I know what you're talking about. You don't write ghouls. I'm not going to write ghouls. I'm not writing it. I'm putting travel. Jesus Christ. I don't travel. I don't like travel.

Oh, what are your dislikes? I want to grow up who likes ghouls. People's knees, dude. Come on, dude. You cover your knees. I'm going to be walking around everywhere. I don't want to see people's knees. What is it? Let's, okay.

Just make it all up. We're going to make the whole thing up. Let's just get out of here. Make it all up. No, we can't do this. All right. We're not even going to, we're not even going to use you for this. Yeah. We got the, we got the picture.

All right, but you're not going to get a cool chick if, if you know, you're not putting all my cool things down. Cover your knees. Cover your knees. You're walking around the world. Shooting that scene was so fun, because we didn't know how we're going to say it. We don't know. Yeah.

I can't remember if some of it was improv. I think it was pretty scripted out. It was scripted, but it was loose, loose, loose. Yeah. Yeah. And just, you know, getting to try to trip you guys up and then your reaction to it. You know, the, the best was so funny about it. Just how you guys react to these absurd answers.

Yeah. It's such a blast to, to shoot that scene. The concept of ghouls. Now, where that came from was when I was a kid, we had this book, this Halloween book, and I believe, I think it was called It's Halloween. And it was a book of like little like Halloween poems and, and, and all these like little Halloween stories. And I just remember this one story like really standing out to me where there was like a ghoul sitting on a tree, sitting on a tree outside of this kid's window.

And the kid didn't know why the ghoul was there. And, and, and just thinking that that was a funny, I don't know why, but I don't know why, but I remember it striking me that that would be a funny thing for Charlie to like. There's something funny about just like, it's not a, it's not a ghost. It's not a goblin. It's not a goblin. It's a ghoul. It's a ghoul.

And it says, there's a sense of mischief to it. You know, like, yeah. What is the, what, what, what in your mind would be the difference between a goblin and a ghoul? A goblin just wants trouble. We're a ghoul. Okay, a goblin's, a goblin wants trouble. And it's gluttonous and there's nefarious and up to zero good. A ghoul's also up to no good, but has a sense of humor about it.

Yeah. He wants it to be, he wants it to be, it mostly needs to be fun for him. Yeah, so he's going to like switch your socks around and, you know, like, yeah. Silly. Put something for you to trip over and. Sure. Yeah. He's silly.

He's silly. He's silly. He's got a silly sense of humor. And he might bite you. No, he is a ghoul. He is a ghoul. So if you try to catch him and you squeeze him too tight, he's going to bite your finger, you know, but where are the goblins?

It's sole purpose is to bite you. Yeah. Goblin you really can't trust, right? A goblin. Goblin's a horrific thing. A goblin, you even spot the goblin doing this thing and you're in trouble right away. You're going to have to run. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Goblin could kill you. A ghoul, you could probably kick it across the room. Right, you might. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? You know what's funny? I feel like you're right. None of us is, it makes, you know what I mean?

And Goblin's going to wreak. It's going to stink up your apartment for days. So the ghouls are relatively odorless. Everybody, I hope that everybody who's watching and listening to this right now is doing what I'm doing, which is I'm picturing both of them in my head. I heard them. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a pretty good idea. Let me tell you what I'm going to say. Is the goblin bald? Yes. Yeah, the goblin's bald. It's bald. And it's green. It's green.

It's definitely green. Yeah. And it's bony and it's gross. The ghoul is. I see the ghoul as green. I see the ghoul as green. The ghoul is also green, but much smaller. In my mind, has a smaller, but has like kind of a round body, but very skinny legs.

But I might just be picturing. But the goblin's got big ears. Yeah, the goblin's got ears and yeah. Yeah, yeah, a scowl. Yeah. The ghoul is almost like a gnome, you know, but not quite like a gnome. Are you picturing a beard? No, no, no beard.

So it doesn't have the beard in the hat. Yeah, but maybe it does have a hat. It might have a hat of sorts, but it could be one of your socks that it's stolen and stuffed it up. Hey guys, guess what? This show was sponsored by BetterHelp. BetterHelp is an online therapy service that is designed to be convenient, flexible and suited to your schedule. And we could all use that in this day and age.

Something that's more suited to our schedules because everybody's busy. I am so busy right now. I can't even find time for myself. I feel like we keep getting busier and busier and busier. What does Glenn need for himself? What do you need? You need a vacation. You need just to go on a walk.

What are you seeking? I want it all. Yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, God. No, no, a vacation is work these days. I mean, so many emails to send. Right?

You're on vacation. You're like, look at your friend. You can't answer these emails. Yeah. So you're not going to do that. Vacations are basically like work retreats these days. I don't know. That seems like something you should bring up with a therapist.

So then does work actually feel more relaxing to you than a vacation? Well, like I said, don't take vacations anymore because they are basically work. And in a way, it neither does better help. That's part of how their vast network of licensed professionals works to fit into your schedule. So you can always get help when you need it and learn tools to find better balance in your life. You know why I know that I need better help in my life? Because right now I just want to get back to my computer because I know there's emails.

Just ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding. Right? And I just, it's the stress of it. I need, I need, I need therapy. No, let's, let's find more balance in our life. Right? Why don't you use better help? Yeah, absolutely.

So visit betterhelp.com slash sunny to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P.com slash sunny. Lot of questions here. We don't have to get to them all. But D dumps Brad because of his acne. Now, what was the worst reason you ever dumped someone or got dumped in high school? Worst reason? Yeah.

Did you dump someone? Because of who I was. That's the worst reason, right? I was slowing down for dear life. Yeah. Yeah, that's what that is. That's what sucks about getting dumped. Not because you're like, oh, I said the dumb thing at the party.

They dumped me. She liked you fundamentally. She disliked you fundamentally. Yeah. You get dumped because the person decides, yeah, you're not good enough for what I want. That's the worst reason, right? I can do better. That's the only reason.

I know. Yeah. You've been relegated. That's why it stinks. I've been promoted. Yeah. It's, it's a wholesale rejection. It's not, well, if you were just a little bit,

it's something you could work on. No. No, there's nothing you can do. I'm not attracted to you. That's why it hurts. That's why it hurts. And that's why it hurts. Physically, mentally, spiritually.

Yeah. I want you away. Until time passes and then you're like, I don't give a shit about you either. I just didn't want you to. That's the revelation, isn't it? Yeah. It happens later.

It happens later. Where you're like, I just want to be wanted. I don't necessarily want the person that's dumping me. Yeah. You know? It doesn't need to be, doesn't need to be you, right? You get your sights set on something. And you forget the fact that compatibility is important, right?

Because when you're younger, you're just like, ooh, I like that. I want that, right? And then you don't realize, you don't, you don't, and then when that, that person's like, yeah, but I don't want that and I don't want you. You go, how do I get you to like me and want me? You know, it's just like, guys,

this is not how it works. You know what I mean? Tough time in life. Ooh, fuck. Tough time. Oh boy. Well, you've all been with your spouses for many years. Now, but did any of you have the chance to try online dating

before you met them? No, no. This is what's so fucking crazy. We're so old. We didn't have any online dating. Well, no. Maybe you did a little bit. No, no, no, no, I didn't.

I, well, there were some my space encounters. I all I talk about with, with, with younger people or even people our age who are newly single. And they all bitch about, oh, it's Tinder or is it? What's the most popular one? Raya, Tinder. They're, they're, they're the worst. It's the worst.

All you do is just meet people in a brand of sex. Yeah, it's horrible. Brand of sex with like people you're attracted to. It's science. It sucks. I don't want this. Oh my God. She's super hot.

I get to fuck her. That's horrible. I wouldn't have put it down. There's a place where people are looking for, for other people. That was for us was called the world. And you just, it was a toss up whether people were looking for, you could be like, Hey, are you looking for a person? They're like, no, I'm not looking for a person at all.

Versus the app. No, you would enter. You know, you're looking for a. You would enter a physical space and you would swipe the person out of your way to get to the person behind them. You know what I mean? Swipe left, fucker. I'm trying to get over to the person.

Swipe out of my way. I'm trying to get to the person behind you. Swipe off, Jerk. Swipe off, ghoul. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, sorry. Where are you?

And that, but that could take hours, days, weeks, months, years. Where is it? You can just do it. It's amazing. It's amazing. Now, does it lead to long term relationships? I don't know. I'm not.

Of course, sometimes it could. Of course it could. But then you probably also get the real time rejection, which I don't know what that feels like. But if you're like constantly trying to meet people on those apps and they're all being like, no, that must stay. It doesn't feel as personal as when it happens, you know, when you're in the club or in the bar.

And it happens and they swipe you right in front of your fucking face. I was usually pretty good with that. I just moved on. But. Yes, you were. And I was mortified by rejection. You numbed yourself to it. Because it was a numbers game.

It was just a numbers game. It's a good strategy. It is a good strategy. It's a solid strategy. Sure. Yeah. And as the night got on, as the night got on, and people's judgment, you know, got a little bit in there,

like, well, maybe he is taller than I think. You'd wait it out. You'd wait out the handsome ones. Yeah. Yeah. Well, all the handsome ones are gone. The tall handsome ones are gone. Yeah. Yeah. And the problem is like those clubs,

whoever you would go, wherever people would go to meet. You and Matt could move in after completion. Yeah. It was so loud. So I couldn't even do what I couldn't even like speak. It was all just based on the way people looked. Oh, yeah.

The club. That's why that's why I didn't like the club. I wasn't much of a dancer. I didn't want to like dance at the club. Oh, I didn't stand a chance at the club. I didn't have the right clothes for the club. Most of the time, I couldn't even get into the club. And even when I did, I didn't want to be there.

That is the worst feeling in the world to stand outside of a club that you don't even want to be in and then get rejected from that club. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're like, I don't, you want to tell the bouncer? I never, I didn't want to come here. But that's the beauty of the online dating. The only reason we were going there.

The club's in your pocket. The club, the club is right here, bud. Oh, next. The club is right here. Now, I do, I can understand that just like, say, you know, human beings just adapt to whatever it is. So for us, it seems cool and amazing that you have that level of accessibility.

But my guess is you do it long enough, you get used to it. And then it doesn't, it doesn't, it doesn't, it's, it's less satisfying, right? It's, it's, I don't know, sometimes I think it's better if you got to work for it a little bit, a little harder, right? It just starts to feel, I don't know, a little even more superficial than what it was when we were, when we were kids out there and the club and desperately trying to, you know, hit on people

we wanted to make love to. Yeah. You know. Just meet people. Yeah. Get out in the world and, you know, swipe and get swiped in person for God's sake, right? That's the lesson here.

So the next episode we'll be talking about Charlie's directorial debut, a movie written, directed, by and starring Mr. Charlie Day. So exciting. One of my favorite people. One of my favorite people. One of my favorite performers. One of my favorite writers.

And I'm getting double taped. It's pretty great. And possibly one of my favorite directors, although that remains to be spoken about. We have not spoken about your directorial skills yet. We can get in. Talk about that. I'm very excited to talk to you about that movie.

I have not seen the most recent version of it. I'm very excited to see it. I've only seen an older version of it and also had, you know, had multiple conversations about, you know, how the scene that I'm going to be in is cut together. Anyway, several scenes. And then we'll talk about Blackberry, starring Glenn Howerton, a movie where you deliver a performance

that is being talked about. Well, keep your expectations low. Just keep them low. I'm sure it's great because mine were high. And News Flash, asshole. They were met. They were met. And Marilyn Smith saw it at South by Southwest

and was talking about how great you are. Everyone's talking about how great you are because you're great. And these directors had the good sense to give you the opportunity to let you do what you do, which Hollywood should do more of. So I'm excited to get into that. And a little jealous of two things.

One, that I'm not the person delivering this performance to the world. Of course. Right. And two, that our movies are coming out on the same goddamn day. Unbelievable. But it doesn't matter. It's not about what happens in the box office

or who goes sees what. It's about the fact that we're making the art that we want to make. What if it becomes about that? How, for me, man, I'm not going to let what happens outside of the movie dictate to me what the experience of the movie is. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like, look at Sony, it's a perfect example, right?

Like, you know, the doing the sunny is the sunny. Going to those shows with thousands of people screaming, they're screaming about things we did 10 years ago. Yeah. Well, look, everybody please just get out there and watch both movies. They're both very, very different, different movies. And I having seen them both, although not the newest version,

are both, I'm very proud of these films. So, you know. Save it. Save it. Don't save it. Oh, God. We'll save it. Don't let the fact that both Charlie and I are in two different movies.

Glenn's in both movies, so it's a win-win for Glenn. It is kind of a win-win for me, although. It's a win-win for me too, pal. The fact that the movie's out to the world and in the theater, here we go. We're going to talk about that next week. Well, I'm excited to talk about it. Me too. This is all.

Me too. I'm excited to talk about it.