The Always Sunny Podcast - Who Pooped the Bed?

Episode Date: August 29, 2022

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What up? You might have noticed we skipped past Mac and Charlie Die Parts 1 and 2. That wasn't an accident. Uh, I know how to count, dude. We are saving those episodes to recap at our upcoming live shows in Philly next month, and we'll be posting those recordings for everyone to enjoy in October.

But for now, please enjoy Who Pooped the Bed. Yeah, it's kind of like a flavored coffee that's had some added to it. I've been watching some 80s movies and looking back at a time when people wore sunglasses inside all the time. And it was a cool... It's a cool idea.

I don't know how you can walk around... Did we just get these chairs greased? It's a bit... It's a bit just greased. That was a bit... It's a bit... So we're not even walking. Is it possible that you greased your clothing?

Maybe Mary Elizabeth greased you out before you left. I'm getting... She's not here. I don't like this chair, I'm realizing. The vent. Do we turn that on? You want to switch because mine's been greased. The vent is blowing right on me, and I'm... I don't even know if I...

You can do it! You can do it right in the very... Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. For sure. Once you get some momentum, too, it's hard to start, but then once you get... Oh, yeah, yeah. By the way, these are like loose chairs.

The opposite works, too. Like, if it were not greased and everything... If it's like particularly dry, and your clothes are particularly dry, that also creates a slippery surface. You know what I'm saying? A double dry. Two dry things.

It's like if you're slightly moist, it's gonna stick. It's gonna stick, yeah. But if it's dry as a bone... If both things are dry as a bone... Yeah, if I squirt down this chair, or my pan's a little bit... You what?

If I squirt my chair or my pants... Squirt? Yeah, if I take a little like a spritzer, you know? Like something to anger... If you say squirt my pants, I show something totally different. Well, that's another way to do it, but... No, like something that you would aggravate a cat with.

By the way, this is... My sister would kill me for it, so I don't know if we can put this on the podcast, but are we rolling on this? Yeah, yeah, we've been. All right, we'll put it in just in case. My sister used the spraying the cats thing technique to, you know, whenever the cats would like jump on something.

She didn't want them to jump on. She'd do the thing. She'd spray them with a water bottle and it really... It worked so well. She did it with her kids. Yeah, I think it worked. I told me that before. Yeah, and it worked.

Of course it works. Yeah. When they were getting up on the couch. Yeah, I think, well, if they did something like, you know, touch something they weren't supposed to touch or, you know, got into something they weren't supposed to get into, just give them a little pshh. Like, nah.

That's a channel. I don't know, yeah. I mean, did she have it on the single stream or the wide mist? Yeah, yeah, because the single stream is so concentrated. Because the single stream is a real aggressive mom. A wide mist is like a suggestion of like, you're irritating me, but you probably get a whisker. I'll ask her.

Yeah, should I text her right now? Text message from Glenn, his sister Courtney. Hey, C, on our podcast, are you okay with me telling the story of how you'd spray the cats when they did something wrong and that it worked so well you tried it on the kids too? Response from Courtney. Sure, it was really just Elliot that I used the spray bottle on because he liked to scream.

I only did it a couple of times and then all I had to do was just place the bottle where he could see it, which would cause him to rethink his decision, laughing face emoji. Did I tell you that when we took Elliot for his first haircut, the stylist tried to spray his hair with water and I had to yell, don't spray his head or he will think he's in trouble. Spray the comb, spray the comb, laughing face emoji.

Response from Glenn. That's amazing. Hey, you know what, the kids turned out all right. You know what, they actually, they turned out great. Her kids are. Cats are all fucked up. Are awesome. Yeah, the cats are, are messed up. Welcome to the podcast, everybody.

Here we are back in studio. Yeah. We got slippery chairs and I took my sunglasses off already. Rob's in his linens. Well, it's also part of the look. It's very hot outside here in Los Angeles. It's hot. We keep it a look.

It's cool in the studio though. We keep it cool in the studio. I just turned off the air though for Glenn sitting under the vents. So. Oh, so it could get, it could get toasty. We might have to. It's only going to get up to 72 and then it's going to flip right back on again.

Oh, okay. Yeah. What is it? What is it now? It's at 70. 70, 70. Okay. Yeah, 72 is a little.

A little warm. Chili. Oh, for me. Yeah, I like, I like to keep your house set at 74. Do you want the sunglasses? Cause that, that sometimes that'll make you. I think it could change what like, depending on the house, like a 74 and one house and a 74 and another might be a very

different feel. Well, that is definitely true. Let me see those on you. Oh, you look great. These are very similar to my own sunglasses actually. Yeah. They look nice. You know, it is really nice to wear sunglasses like when you're on

camera, I have to say, because it, it, it makes you feel less, I get why people do that. You know, why like. You mean like on a red carpet or like in a movie? Oh, no, no, no, no. No, I know. I mean, when you're, not when you're playing a character, although that's cool too.

But no, when you're just, when you're yourself, because then it's like wearing, it's like a mask a little bit, right? For sure. You don't feel like people can see into, into your soul. You know, you know what I mean? They can't read your fear. They can't read your fear and your vulnerability. Yeah, yeah, sure.

And they can't see the, the cocaine and alcohol. That's, of course. They can't see how much cocaine and alcohol is in your system. That's why I like, I feel like the 60s, 70s and 80s that, that look got perfected indoors. And then it just kind of went away. Now was that because, okay. So you're saying it's because we're talking dilated pupils

and red, red. Yeah. I think it was the kind of thing you're like, Hey, look, I'm going to a Laker game. I've been up. I got up around. So now we're talking about Jack. We're basically talking about Jack.

Yeah. We sort of always were. I just want to say. No, go back and watch some of those old games like from the mid 80s, like Showtime. Yeah. There's a lot of people that took cues from Jack. Uh-huh.

Sure. Male and female. Yeah. And people just came in there, you know, probably a half cocked from the night before. Sure. And, and it, they look great. The hats you guys wear are sort of masks.

Like you used to wear the baseball hats. You haven't been wearing them. Well, because our hair is all short. Like when your hair is short, it requires, uh, no maintenance. Right? Less work. I'm kind of just kind of. This is, you know, I never have a short hairstyle and this

has been great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's nice. I don't have to think about it at all. It just is. You come in.

I'm, I'm just starting to come back enough that I'm like, okay, pretty soon I'm going to have to make that decision about whether I put a little effort into straightening it out or put a hat on straightening it out. You, oh, you mean, you, I just mean, I just mean like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, the hair dryer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Um, yeah.

Now, if any of you guys shit the bed last night, no, I don't believe I've ever dropped a deuce in my bed. I, is that a thing? That's not a thing, is it? You were just a wee lad. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, good point, good point. You don't remember it, but it did happen.

I shipped my crib, you're saying. You shipped your crib? Yeah. Maybe, maybe I have a system that really shuts down if it's not a good place to poop. Like, you know, like when I travel, you know, if it's a, if they're like an airplane day, usually. That's tough.

Everything locks up. I think tightens up. And then it stays on lockdown for a few days and like, I'm all out of whack. I'm out of whack, you know? Yeah, yeah, it's no good. Yeah. Traveling is, is a real mess on the digestive tract.

It's, I mean, on the, the poop track. Yeah, it does. It all shuts down and then, and then it comes, eventually comes out in furious, furious with me for shutting down the works. What if you, while you were traveling eight dairy to counteract that? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you know what?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that could work. That could work. Shitting on a plane is, you know, when it hits you on the plane, no, it's no good. Now I'll do it because I'm not holding it in. I'm, I'm the odds. I will not hold back. I, yeah, I, and if, and if I feel myself holding it back,

I'll force it out. I'll get it. I'll, I'll sit on that toilet and I'll, you just hear screams from the air, out you vile mass, you know, vile mass. Yeah, yeah, I'll force that shit out. I'll tell you what, you can use some visualization techniques to, to coax a poop out. Have you guys ever tried that?

That works. Not only have I not done that, I've never heard of anything like that. You're visualizing a nice elimination. What is, what is that? Is it okay to talk about on the podcast or people shit themselves in their cars? Listen.

No, no, it's not that. It's not that powerful. It's a useful tool. Do you want to talk a listener through that? Maybe, maybe there's, we've had, we've had listeners. It's weird. We've had listeners call in while pooping, while pooping. Yeah.

And maybe someone's in the car right now and they want to. Sure. Sure. So part, part of what makes podcasts great is you get sound medical advice, you know, sound life advice. Reading experts. So I would, now this, this was probably something that it just won't be for everybody because it's a little strange.

But believe it or not, in the past, this has worked for me. If I'm, I have a little constipated, this is, I can't believe it. I don't know why, but picturing a dog pooping. Will make me poop. You know how they get in that weird. Oh dude, that is all over the map. That is all over the map. Yeah, dogs are like, and they, there's like, you know, they know.

They know. They know. Yeah, they feel shame. Okay. There's so much happening right now. I don't know why. I swear, and I swear it is true. It is true.

I, I was about, I was going to make something up because that's so weird, but I was like, nah, fuck it, I'll just, I'll tell it. Cause it, it works. Now, why am I not picturing a human pooping? That's my first question. Now, I have done that. I have done that, but my mind always goes to a dog pooping. And so I just go with it and, and it works.

There must be some like freedom or ease with which the dog does it that makes you feel like, I think that's what it is. I need to free you up. You're like, because, because the human animal is, is all up here. And you know what I mean? And the dog just, just dogs. You got the dogs free. You just, you got to get into the mind of a dog. You got to get in your animal mind to do this animal act.

I think that's right. I think that's okay. Okay. Yeah. Okay. So I know there's a lot to, there's a lot to unpack. Yeah. I think, I think number one for me is buddy, I've known you for 20 years

and I've heard everything like the story you were telling about your sister and the cats. I've heard that 10 times and love it every time, but I've heard it many times. In fact, everything we talk about on the podcast, I've heard many times. I know I have to present it to the audience time. Yeah. I've ever heard that.

Well, that's not something you'd usually, you know, but now I want to know what else I don't know. I feel like you know everything about me. They've forgotten it. Well, I've probably forgotten it. So you can keep telling it over and over again. I'll continue to do that, but I can tell you that there's, I've never heard that before.

No, I don't think I've ever told anybody. How long has this been going on? What did you first fantasize the dog pooping while trying to? Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. I honestly don't know. And it's not something that happens very often.

It's only when you really need. Yeah. It's a tool that is like, you know, at the bottom of the bed. How often, how many times a year would you say you picture the dog while pooping? You're about to say fantasize. There's a certain amount of fantasy. Well, yeah, it's a fantasy of sorts. If I had to guess how many times in a year, you know, five.

Okay. Maybe. And how effective is it? Very. 80, 90. We're talking 100% of the time. 100% of the time before. Okay.

What type of dog? Yeah. I mean, that's, that's really all. I'm talking about like a 30 pound dog, like a 30 pound dog. Medium sized dog. Yeah. Or yeah. It's not a small dog because that I can't relate to that.

But it's not like that. I mean, I need to see myself in the dog, I guess. And in some ways. You're not like, you're not like a golden retriever or a lab. You're something. Those are two dogs. Dogs are too dumb. Oh, okay.

Something smaller. It's like a, yeah. Is it always the same dog? And I, I can't, it's not, it's not a, I don't visualize things that specifically. This is why I think it's why I'm so bad at like drawing. Is it a King Charles spaniel? What kind of. Yeah.

Yeah. It's a 30 pound and floppy ears. Is it your dog? Well, you know, I mean, I only recently became a dog owner. I know, but since owning a dog, do you now? It's not. Your dog. No, I think that's short hair.

It's not long. It's got to be short hair. It's not a shaggy dog. I'll tell you that. Do you see the dog's poop? Or do you just see the dog? I picture it coming out of the dog's butt. Wow.

Yeah. I picture the dog actually squeezing the turd out. Now this is a, this is a, this is a late in, you know, whatever. I'm not going to. We're already deep in. We're deep in this. Yeah. We're dug in.

Wait, when you walk your dog now and you see your dog poop, does it like trigger you? No. So it's only when you imagine it, not when you actually see it in real life. That's, that's good. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. No, it's not. I'm going to try it next time.

I'm a little blocked up. Listen, don't overthink it. It really works. Hey, listen, if whatever you want to picture, you know, you know, you could picture. Whatever species you need to picture. Whatever species. Defocating that helps you defecate. That's right.

You can go for it. That's right. I like the animal thing because I think it, it like, yeah, it's like, I don't know that do animals get constipated? Probably. Do they? I would imagine. Yeah.

If something's gone wrong with the diet. Yeah, they could. That guess they could, right? Well, how often are you, so you're saying you're only constipated about five times a year then, right? Yeah. So you only go to, you only utilize this. Yeah.

Yeah. I'd say that's right. I'd say that's right because I probably would utilize that tool 75% of the time if I'm having a constipation episode. This is great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Are you guys going to share back and now tell Glenn what you fantasize about while you're. I don't think so. I tell you guys. I get some sauerkraut in my system. Yeah.

So some probiotics, all those healthy probiotics and sauerkraut. That helps the whole thing. That'll get things moving. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe not immediately, but eventually. You know what's weird? Sushi. Vegetables. Makes me poop. Interesting. I always have to poop after I eat sushi. What type of sushi?

Sushi is a very broad category. You mean like immediately after us? Raw fish. Any raw fish? Yeah. All food makes you poop. Is that that broad category? Well, I don't, I mean, is it the, is it the, is it snapper that's making you poop or are

you only like albacore? Well, I don't know because I, I don't, I don't sit there with just a plate of one fish. Is it the rice? You know what I mean? I'm getting a variety of fish as one does with sushi often. Yeah. True.

You know, it's, it's, so I don't know which one it is. It, it could now. It could be a certain fish. It could be a certain fish. And if I could target that. One oily-ass fish that's making things move. Now, if I could figure that out, I'd be able to let go of the dog technique because I'd just be able to be like, oh, you know what, sea bream.

But then you'd have to carry around raw fish. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. How are you going to? Oh, what if you picture the fish pooping? Picture. Pebbles.

Well, what if you picture a seagull taking a crap all over somebody's car because it's always eating raw fish? Too wet. Too wet. It's just not, you know, it's wet and it's white. You know, a dog puts out like a nice log and that's what you want. Yeah. And like if you, if you want a dog log, you want a horse.

Or like, that's too much. It's too much. And it's so casual. It just almost seems to fall out. There's no effort. I get it. So the horses don't take a shit. They just shit as they're going.

Like it's just, it happens. And it seems unsatisfying, right? It seems like you're not getting the, you know. There's no ceremony. Yeah. You're not getting the little endorphin rush that you get from God. Endorphin rush. You know that little, like that one felt good.

Oh God. Yeah. That's sad. It's a thing, man. You know, especially afterwards when you're just like, man, I really, I'd let it all go today. You know, and you give yourself a little pat on the shoulder and you're like, I'm going to have a good day.

Well, I guess we don't have to talk about personal stories. We don't have to talk about the episode, I suppose. I laughed throughout. Wow. What are my favorites? I loved it. Really? What are your favorites?

One of my favorites that we've done in the, in the review. Which is amazing because, because part of why we made that episode, as I recall, was in reaction to how averse you are to like any kind of poop or fart joke. Yeah. You know, and, and. I always give in. Cause you guys are right. It's, it's funny.

I mean, that's what the whole, I think I really think like, why would you all fall? Everybody already thinks of us as the dick and ball poopy show. And that's why we did it. Why do we want to do a whole episode about it? But that's why we did it. And you guys were like, well, because it's funny. Because it's funny. And fuck them.

And I'm like, okay. Yeah. We're going to lean into it. We're going to lean into it. Yeah. We'll lean harder into it. Yeah. We'll lean so far into it that it's like absurd.

We'll, we'll start by saying poop isn't funny. We'll have a character, you know, who's like, wants to do something sophisticated and cool. By the way, the opening of the episode right off the bat. Hey you guys. What are you doing tonight? What the hell kind of question is that? Yeah. You're asking us to predict the future, Dee.

How can I predict the future? Yeah. Well, there's a new martini bar opening up downtown. I thought maybe we could do something different tonight. Jesus. Where is this shit coming from? I should just watch that stupid sex in the city movie. Oh my God.

When will that show die? Never, apparently. Dee, you tried this shit 30 years ago and that show first came on the air. We're so angry with you. Yeah. Why are you doing this with it? We're like, what are you talking about? Yes.

Why would we want to do that? That's crazy. Like I, you're asking me to predict the future. I don't know what I'm going to want to do tonight. Yeah. And we're playing checkers and drinking beer. We're playing checkers on a Tuesday or something. I don't know what we established it to be.

Yeah. No, I laughed throughout this entire episode. Me too. I love this one. It's funny. I loved it. It is funny. It is funny.

And I would say that like your aversion to putting poop jokes and fart jokes in the show is less to do with whether or not you think it's funny and more to do with not wanting to be stigmatized. Yeah. Yeah. And whatever. It is what it is. Yeah.

That's fine. Yeah. And that's something I should have accepted it at that point. Just leaned all the way into it. Which we did. Which we did. Well, I think you, I think, but I don't think you, like I don't want to be the poopy dick and fart joke show either.

You know what I mean? But I'm okay with it. I mean, at this point and yeah, maybe at some point you were like, yeah, I want to be paraded around and celebrated or whatever. But like now I'm like, whatever. If it's just fucking goddamn funny, then great. That's even Frank Ranz is great. Oh my God.

You got turd? Yeah. You got a turd? I'll take a look at it. Okay. Well, it's definitely poop. Yeah. We know that guy.

Yeah. Whoever it was seems to have been eating newspaper. All right. Well, now we're getting somewhere. Which one of you idiots was eating a goddamn newspaper? He's going to go both ways, dude. Really? Yeah.

What else? This appears to be a piece of a credit card. Inconclusive. Yeah. How do you guys know him? Was that just casting or? We knew Fran. No.

We knew him. Yeah. We knew Fran. How did we know? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'd known Fran for a couple of years. I mean, we weren't like close friends.

He was one of those guys, I think, at like our age and in this sort of group of people you'd see at auditions. Yeah. I can't remember if any of us had worked with him before. I'd never worked with Fran. I'd only hung out with him a couple of times socially. That's not true. Besides you guys.

That's not true. You won't work with him. That's not true. You won't work with Brad Pitt and Anthony Hopkins. But Harrison Ford. Yeah, yeah. But I got cut out of that. So I worked with...

Oh, Harrison Ford, right. Uh-huh. Technically, but no one would know. You worked with the entire cast of campfire stories. That's true. That's true. Wonder Boys, Michael Douglas. You worked with Wonder Boys.

Yeah. You were sitting next to Katie Holmes. Katie Holmes. Yeah. Yeah. That's right. Yeah. Let's get back to prayer.

Let's bring it back to prayer. Charlie, let's talk about that. A lot of classic moments in this episode. I'd love to get a little bit of conversation going about Poopier. Yeah, that's fair. Just keep it going. Love the stuff with the ladies. Cannot wait to have Artemis on.

Okay. Artemis is so good in this episode. It's the first time we really kind of like cut her loose, right? And started to figure out, well, we'll talk more about her character when we have her on. But yeah, they're dynamic, the three of them together. We've talked about Caitlin Stunt, which is in this episode, which is the best stunt anyone has ever performed on television, because it was the most likely to break somebody's

neck. Yeah. Try that, huh? Excuse me. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah. It's unbelievable. It's very funny. It's not even just the, it's not just the running into the car. That's the, that's the coup de gras, but it's the wobbling.

Yeah. The wobbling all the way there. It's the whole thing is, is like just extraordinary. And trying to find, I mean, she, she, I think we said D has a size 13 shoe, and so we had to get, she doesn't, so we had to get a size like one shoe to make it look like her foot was so big. So she was wearing like a child shoe. Wow.

I heard she doesn't have a small foot. I mean, she's got a small foot. She doesn't have a giant foot. She has a tiny little foot? I mean, it's not tiny, but it's a, it's, I don't know. It's so funny. Maybe I'm mixing her up with the character. I think you're mixing it up.

Yeah. I think she's got like rather small feet. I just assumed her feet were fucking huge. Just cause we always make jokes about it. Yeah. That's why she assumed, and that's why also the audience assumes that as well. Yeah. They assume that her feet are enormous.

Did we get that right in the roller skating episode? Did she say she wears a size 13? Yeah. We, we actually, I think we had somebody look that we were like, I know that we referenced her specific size of shoe, we need to make sure that, you know, we're getting that right. In this episode, I love the shop woman's like, oh my, when she cares for me. Yeah. All right.

All right. Ladies, can I help you? Hello. We are here for the Minolos. And what's your shoe size? 13. Oh, my. She'll be happy to tell us exactly.

I love how friend says, hey. I bet she's a size eight. You got turd. Yeah, turd. You got turd. He doesn't ask like, do you have a turd there? He goes, yeah, you got turd. You got turd.

You got turd. You got turd. The little glasses, the magnifying glasses. Yeah. He turned into the picky thing. That he's not even using. It's very funny. Wolf hair, credit cards.

Wolf hair, newspaper, blood. A lot of Rose, modern Rose Ellen. A lot of modern Rose Ellen that, for sure. Yes. A lot of kind of figuring out where we were going with the Frank and Charlie relationship just in that episode, right? In the sleeping together. She got back so fast.

I just texted her. You texted Caitlin one size eight. What size shoe do you wear? Size eight. Oh, wow. But she thinks I'm probably buying her shoes. Man or women's. She's smarter than that.

She knows we're talking about that. And she wants to clarify that she does not have a size 13 foot in reality. That's right. That's fair. That's fair. Well, that's not, you know. Are there things about you that people assume about you from the show that it bothers you that they assume that?

Tons. Oh, really? Yeah. What's that? I find it fascinating, and maybe I do this too, but I find it fascinating how often people assume we're exactly like our characters. I think we all do that. I think that's a natural thing.

Sure. I get that. You know. I get that. If you meet one of the cast member of a show that's been on for 10 years. Also, it's very rare for someone to be completely unlike their character, right? Yes. Like, if a guy plays like a psychopath in like all movies, sometimes those people also tend

to be a little bit crazy in real life. See, I actually find the opposite to be true. What? Right. She's like, yes. She's a little bit crazy. Of course. They can pull it off.

We've talked about this before. You take a little bit of the personality and you blow up and you see the extreme version of it. But mostly, I mean, we've been running a very successful television show for 15 years, 17 years. Very successful. And people just. I'm amazed at how often I'll be in the middle of a conversation and someone say, you're

not as dumb as I thought or something along those lines like, oh, you're smarter than I thought you would be. Hmm. What do you think we're doing? We show up and just say a bunch of words and then it just appears on television. Yeah. Hmm. So I guess it does bother me.

So you find to a rage like at a moment's notice. I can't say. I'll put my thumb through your eye. But no, it doesn't bother me. And now please enjoy this collection of moments where the guys were exactly like their characters. But I'm both. No, no, no. You know you're wrong.

No, I don't. You're wrong. You are wrong. That's crazy. No, you're crazy. You're fucking. That's crazy. And I roll down the window and I said, motherfucker, you are not getting in front of me.

So I don't know what you're going to do, but you better do it right now. Everybody grow up. Our car is not like just giant round rubber balls. You know, like why don't we do that? So like it's like, ah, sorry, I ran into you. Good thing we just bounced off each other. You know, did these pants tear naturally or is this a natural knee tear? Yeah.

Because the rest of the gene looks. It's all apart. I've been, if you look closely at the podcast, I have worn the most every episode. And as I tend to do. I've always wanted to know what it was like to actually sink in quicksand. Now, if somebody were to give you a paralytic, you know, a paralytic, a paralyzing drug of some kind and pop you on some quicksand and just slowly let you sink, that's pretty fucking diabolical.

I think that would work. You fucking bitch. That was not an honest mistake. It was a dishonest mistake. Fucking bitch. Wow. Now, hold on a second. We are supported by Athletic Greens.

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Is this where you're going to compare watering plants to taking care of your brain and your mental health? Charlie? That's exactly what I was doing. Is that what it was? You know, it can take a combination of strategies and new methods, you know. For instance, seeking out support online like you do with BetterHelp. BetterHelp is online therapy that offers video, phone and even live chat sessions.

So you don't have to see anyone on camera or even speak your mind aloud if you don't want to. It's also much more affordable than traditional therapy, which can really add up for me because I bring a lot of baggage. You know what you got to do? You got to water those plants, Robbie. You know, taking care of your mental health is paramount no matter who you are. And since BetterHelp can match you with the right therapist for you in under 48 hours,

it's a great way to get started today. Our listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com slash sunny. So check it out and tell them we sent you. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sunny. I would have thought that just having met you guys after watching on TV for so long, I would have. The only thing I would have assumed is that I would have assumed you were more outgoing, Charlie, just because the character is like so loud and kind of boisterous that I figured

but you're a little more shy and reserved than I was expecting. Well, it depends on the situation, but I like a stage, you know? I do feel most comfortable like performing, like when we were doing the, like when we were re-enacting the scene on the podcast, I was like, okay, that's my happy place. We're making a song. Oh yeah, me too. No, I'm much more comfortable as a character than I am as myself. I am not comfortable, you know, I admire actually your ability to get up on stage and just kind

of give a speech, you know, like anytime we do a premiere, usually, no, I think you're always the one that gets up and, you know, gives a little speech to the audience or whatever and you make jokes and you seem totally relaxed and comfortable and I just am not comfortable standing up in front of an audience as myself at all. I am extremely uncomfortable with that. I wouldn't say I'm as uncomfortable with it as the average person just because I think isn't that like widely understood to be like the biggest phobia is standing up, public speaking.

Yeah. So I wouldn't say I'm as bad as that, but definitely much more comfortable as a character than as myself. Always struggled with that on the red carpet. Like whenever I was doing interviews and stuff, I'm like, am I me, am I my character, what am I, like, what am I doing here? Do I have to perform? Do I have to be funny?

Sometimes I don't want to be fucking funny, I just want to be me. I don't know if you guys do this, but like I have to almost get into character to do an interview, but it's not a character. It's the character of Glenn. It's like the Glenn character. Yeah. Yeah. You have to turn it on a little bit.

You have to turn it on a little bit. Yeah. You got to turn it on. Yeah. I think the same should be said for public speaking. I mean, I think that I am comfortable doing it, but it's only because of practice. I'm just as nervous each time, but I just remind myself that I've done it and I, and I practice.

What's the key for you? Is it just trusting that, trusting that it's worked in the past? And so you kind of know the, the, the feelings you can trust yourself up there. And then, and then what's interesting too is that you start to crave a little bit of the fear and anxiety a little bit more, and I've heard that before. For sure. Yeah. Because that's kind of the juice.

No, that is the juice. I was always the same place, which is like, what's the worst that can happen? Like truly, what's, what's, what, what could, what is the worst thing that could possibly happen right now? You stumble on your words in a way that's goofy and you just sound like a fucking idiot. You use the wrong word, use a word, word wrong. Yeah. You just navigate through it and move on.

And you find that most people don't give a shit. They want to be there kind of, they want you to be quick. They want you to say some funny things, maybe say, it's, you know, Well, it depends on the crowd, right? Because I mean, if you, like, I, you know, when you're getting up to speak in front of everybody at, you know, a premiere of the, of, of It's Always Sunny, you know, everybody's actually excited to hear what you have to say. That's actually scarier to me, scarier to me because the expectation, that's what it

is, like the expectation is like, well, I look at those standup comedians. I can't believe it. I, what a, what an, what a terrible job. I mean, it's so unbelievably difficult to get up into a room full of people who are there. They paid a lot of money to be there and they love you, but they will turn on you. I mean, you talk to some of those standups, they're like, the audience is there for me and they will turn on me in 30 seconds.

Yeah. If you don't bring a book, it's like, sometimes they bring a book and when I give that commencement speech, you know, I, I, I was pretty nervous about it. I mean, at first they, like, called, asked me and I said, yeah, sure. I'd love to do that. And then I was like, what did I just agree to? You know, like people are going to have their families and then there's going to be an expectation that I make them laugh.

Right. So, so I was like, how do I approach this and, you know, I was watching other speeches and getting kind of like in my head about like, how, how, how am I going to do this? I don't know how to do this. And you know, what it did was, um, I opened up a final draft document and I wrote like a script, yeah, uh, interior, uh, auditorium, Charlie takes the podium, then, you know, my character's name. And then I just started writing it as if, you know, as if it was like an episode of the

show or something. It was like, and this, this, what I would say. And then, and then I felt comfortable in that space because it was like, all right, well, I know how to write for a character. Yeah. Uh, and then I, and then I just kept working at like a scene of a movie or a, or a TV show and that got around, that kind of went around and got pretty viral. Right.

Uh, I mean, as I recall, I mean, I think it was pretty well received and I felt good about it. I thought it was phenomenal. I mean, I, it's been a while since I've seen it, but I remember watching that and being like, damn, I was proud of it. I was proud of it. I was like, oh, I got my jokes in and then I made some points and then I got out of there. You know, like, but, but I don't know if it's to do it again.

I'm like, I don't, I don't want to read reading cards or even though you were successful. Yeah. But you, but, but how about this? Do you want to or not, you know, you could. That's true. Yeah. But he also knows the amount of work it took to, to, to come up with something that made him comfortable.

Also, it doesn't look making a movie or a TV series or whatever is scary, but I aspire to do that. So I want to do, I don't aspire to be a guy who goes and gives speeches. So I'm like, I did, I did the thing. It went well. And like, kind of feel like you got, like you, I got down the black diamond without breaking my legs. I don't have to go back up.

I'm like, I did it. I did the thing. Yeah. Yeah. It's on YouTube. I'm going to cut it into the podcast right here. Well, you are graduating from an excellent school today. Alumni have gone on to be CEOs, politicians, professional athletes.

However, this year you'll get to receive wisdom, life lessons, knowledge from a man who's made a living pretending to eat cat food. Now I do, however, have some qualifications, some insight, because like you are becoming today, I'm a Merrimack College graduate. Thank you. I know what it took to get here today. I was in this very room. I sat in those uncomfortable chairs.

I dressed like some sort of medieval pastry chef. When I too desperately hoped that my hangover would wear off, yeah, that one knows. If you can just make it a brunch, you'll be all right. Take note, a quick observation today. Apparently, the higher you climb in life, the more ridiculous your hats will become, like the one I'm wearing today or the Pope or Pharrell. So if some way you fear success, just think of the hats. That should motivate you.

Oh, I think you should. It's fantastic. Thanks, man. You guys would also give a great speech. If you went to college or you were respected by your institution, who doesn't really respect that? Oh, I think that's very true. Human beings.

Well, it's like, I got classically trained and I was meant to go on and do great things as an actor. Yeah. Boy, what a disappointment. You made an episode about poopies. Instead of making episodes about poopies. A turd merger. A turd, a poopies and turd mergers.

Yeah. What a shame. I do want to talk about this real quick, but I'm curious. When you did that speech, I don't remember. Did you have, did you have like little cue cards? Did they have like a prompter? How did you remember it all? I remember it.

I think I had the. You had a frontier? I think I had the script. Yeah. Yeah. On the podium. And you had, I'm sure you had it like semi-memorized. Yeah.

So you weren't like staring at the thing. And I was like, no. Right. I find cue cards very difficult to read. Like, like, you know, in a situation where you have to look at them, I kind of go blank and can't see it. Yeah. Yeah.

So I sort of have to memorize what I have to do. I mean, if you, if you're a cast member on SNL, you're doing it week after week, you get used to just like, okay, there's the card. Yeah. Just like anything. I just read it. Right. I think that's a common misconception that I hear from a lot of people, which is that

you have like people like, oh, you must not be nervous or you have a natural talent to get up in front of people. And like, I don't think that's true at all for me. It's truly just practice. So you talk about the SNL people, I'm sure that there's a measure of fear and anxiety that goes into every performance, but it, but it's definitely gets easier and easier each week, at least insofar as you realize, well, I didn't completely burn the show down last week.

And I figured out how to navigate the cue cards or whatever the system is. But also, I mean, you, you're an actor. So like, you know, you aspire to be an actor. He's about to be a TV host. You're going to be an actor. You're, you're, you're on the right track. So what, and what is this? You're, you're, what do you do?

I'm hosting Kimmel. You're hosting Kimmel. Yeah. By the time this airs, though, that will have happened. Yes. So it will have either gone over really well or really terribly or just kind of like meh. But either way, I'm sure we could cut it into the, welcome to Jimmy Kimmel live. I am your guest host, Rob McElhane.

You may know me from my show, Myth of Quest on Apple TV plus, or as one of the five drunk ass from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia, while I'm very grateful for everything Sunny has given me. That's not what tonight is about. So let's forget about sunny guys. You're about to get to know the real me. I love that you're doing it though, right? Because that's life coming at you with an opportunity that you, not something you aspire

to do and just being open to it and being like, okay, I'll do it. Yeah. Right? Like, yeah, I got a call from Jimmy. Yeah, what happened? How'd that, how'd that happen? He goes on vacation during the summer and he's like, I need somebody to host the show. And so he brings on a series of guest hosts.

And I've never done anything like that before. And he called and asked and it sounded like, I said no because it, I was super busy and it didn't feel like something. Maybe I was a little bit nervous. Because you wanted to be a wood. Yeah, I wanted to be a wood. You wanted to be a wood. You wanted to go for some wood.

And then everybody in my life said, you have to go do it. So I said, yes. And I'm really looking forward to it. It's an opportunity you might not get again in life. I probably would have said no too, right? And I'm like, that's just not what I want to do. But then you're like, I don't know. I don't know if it's what I want to do because I've never done it before.

I've never stood up and given a monologue. Oh, so you're doing the whole thing? The whole thing. You get up, you do a monologue. Yeah, I mean. And are you working with the writers on that? Oh, yeah. Yeah.

So it's, so my day starts tomorrow at 8 30 and I go in, we don't record until five or something like that. So I spent all day rehearsing, which is great because I'll need that. And I don't know how it's going to go. Now were you going to pop a little Xanax beforehand? You're going to hit some CBD? Nothing. No.

Man. No, I don't think I'll. Calm the nerves, huh? I think I was. A little shot of something. Well, that might be fun, but I think the anti, I kind of enjoy the anxiety. So I feel like. Yeah, yeah.

That's good. It's a good game. It's a good game time. I think the anti-anxiety might like. Bring it down to. Not. I enjoy Xanax to help fall asleep from time to time, but to perform. You don't want to be sleepy out there.

You don't want to shit the bed. We probably should talk about the episode, huh? Yeah, I mean, it's kind of. Was the big speech the final thing? Was this satisfying for you? Yes. Like. All the twists and turns.

It totally was. It was so well crafted, well performed. And I remember being in the editing room and thinking this didn't work. We were concerned that it wasn't going to work. Not because of any. Artemis was amazing. It was because we hadn't found the score. Yeah.

The score. And there are a couple of things that we judged in the episode that we didn't quite shoot. Like when Caitlyn's looking at all the poop art, yeah, in the edit, we kind of created more like sort of effects and things that because just the footage that we have wasn't enough just like playing out the same scene as it took place. I feel like my mouth is so full of spit. I'm such a hack, man. Oh, man.

Wow. The self talk. Yeah, man. That's bad self talk. I felt really embarrassed that my mouth got full of spittle. But then you called yourself a hack. Call myself a hack. Interesting.

I know. As if that has anything to do with the amount of spit in one's mouth. Okay. Sometimes I'm real hard on myself. Yeah. I know. Yeah. Work on it.

Cry for a minute. Did anybody notice this? And anybody can go back and take a look at it. Maybe we'll cut it in the podcast. What is Danny doing during that speech? Do you know? What's he doing? He's falling asleep.

Is he? He is. Is he almost falling off his stool? There are a number of scenes throughout the series and they get, and I think we should point them out as we go, where Danny is just asleep during the scene. Do you think Danny was, he didn't like the idea that it was him that was pooping the whole time? That does happen sometimes, right?

Where he's like, he'll go with it, but he's not loving the fact that. It could be. It could be just that the cameras were pointed over our shoulders at Artemis because it's such a long speech and we were there for three hours. That's probably more what it was. He's an insomniac, so he didn't sleep probably very well the night before. That's true. The problem is he's up on that stool, and if he tipped over on that, like, I'm the

doctor, he could have cracked his fucking head open. But he didn't. He would just kind of like nod and like wake up, and you could see his eyes, like, everyone's wide cut to him and he'd wake up. We should point that out every time it happens. Yeah, because it happens a lot. Yeah. Do you remember there was one scene where he actually fell asleep?

Yeah, where Liam McFoyle screams at him and wakes him up. Yeah. Yeah. I cannot wait for that. And that was, you know, it's funny because you're thinking, oh, the character is just not enough. But I think it was, as I recall from shooting that, it was like kind of warm. Yeah.

And we were all sitting on that couch. It was kind of cozy. It was really cozy. And I think it was like too much for his, you know, sleepy body not to doze off. That's a performer that's so comfortable that he's like close to sleep. Yeah, yeah. He's like so... Maybe he took his annex because he was not prepared.

Yeah. Do we get a rain machine for that exterior shot of the... That's effects. That's an effect, huh? That's a VFX shot. Yeah. We just added that in post. When we were breaking this story, I have a very specific memory of you, Charlie, at

the board coming up with a lot of those beats for the Artemis story at the end. I remember you just got on a jag and just tore through a lot of that in the break. I remember that too. Do you remember that? I do. There was a good photo. Hornsby had a photo of me or something just because my handwriting's so bad. And it was like green, you know, green ink, and I think I had on that Philly's cap that

we got. Maybe we should try to find that photo. Sort of Jeff cap. Yeah. See, Hornsby has it. But like... And just like... Lines and lines of stuff.

Lines and lines of the speech. Like every now and then... You guys know this. You kind of like just... It comes to you in a torrent. Yeah. It comes to you like in a... It's happened to me maybe two, maybe three times total in the show.

I think it was this episode, the one where we pulled the prank on Dee and Charlie work. Yeah. Yeah. Where it was just like... It's been his own, isn't it? It's been his own, isn't it? You and I wrote in one day. Yeah.

Yeah. But I felt like that was me riding your wave of like, you were like... You were hot. And I was just like... Yeah. Yeah. And just plus it. Yeah.

Being there to... Yeah. To judge and be like, that's a great idea. And then what if this? Yeah. But sometimes one person gets on a roll and is just like... Yeah. All right.

Let them go. And don't stop them, right? Yeah. Because you're like... I remember specifically with the prank on Dee being like, I don't know if this is going to work, but I definitely have learned my lesson. Just get out of the way and let whoever got the vision for it just go. Yeah.

People get hot. Yeah. Well, yeah. You get into that. You get into... You're in that flow state. Yeah. And in fact, I may have been...

For what? For the poop story. I think I was like, I'm out. You guys do the poopy jokes. And I think I might have been breaking the other story. Yeah. The last time. The credited writer on this episode.

Yeah. I might have been just been breaking the bee story, the sex in the city story. But we also... You know, we don't credit the person necessarily who even wrote the story. It's just whoever wrote the draft or whatever. But... How did you... Did idea come out of being criticized for wanting to attack is poop funny or not?

Or did it come out of wanting to do a murder mystery idea? And then that just being the... Bad idea. You don't remember? I can't really remember. Because it's like, clearly at the end she gives a speech a la like Sherlock Holmes or Poirot at the end of the... It was Marvel.

Yeah. Miss Marple, like the classic detective speech at the end, which are... Yeah. I think we knew that that would be a funny way to approach an episode of who pooped in a bed. Right? Of like just trying... Turning into a mystery.

Yeah. These characters being like, this is all we care about now, you know, and then... Yeah. And it works so well against Dee's story. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Sometimes it just works.

The score under Artemis' big speech at the end was a riff on the score from Beetlejuice. You guys remember that? Four turds, five suspects, so many, many nameless victims. The first poop was obviously Frank, old and weak. He had an accident. That's why he was so intent on destroying it. There were many turds before this, weren't there, Frank? This was just the first time you got caught, wasn't it?

And then you went and did it again the next night? Or did you? I watched Beetlejuice. So Beetlejuice... There's a scene. I don't know. I'm flying out of my mouth. I don't know what's going on today.

I won't call myself a... Spit! Just everywhere. Oh. You're shamed. Wow. He knows. You don't want to become that old man who's always got spit right here.

I'm gonna picture a drive out of the animal. No, I don't. You know, those guys are like where the spit just collects right there and you're just like... Just give one of these, man. Yeah, fuck. You don't feel that? What were we saying?

That score was... It's almost a direct risk on... I don't remember the scene in Beetlejuice, but it was a scene in Beetlejuice and you... Like maybe you can pull that up. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. It's your dad.

Were you guys fans of like mystery novels of like the great detective mystery characters like... I have become more of a fan. I've become more of a fan. I wasn't really, but I'm getting more and more into it. I think I read The Hounds of Baskerville when I was a kid. Yeah. But I don't really...

Sherlock Holmes, you know? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Catch little Sherlock Holmes. Yeah. Yeah, I used to read mystery books all the time when I was younger. I kind of wanted to be a forensic toxicologist for a while when I was... Oh. So you would have been the Fran Cranes, like, you know, digging through things.

Yeah. Digging through things. Except for poisoning. What's that? That was what I wanted to do, poisoning. Like poisoning cases. Oh, because that's the woman's choice for murder. Yeah.

Traditionally. Oh, is that right? Is that the most commonly used tool for murder that women use is poison? Yeah. It's certainly like historically, yes, because it was our greatest point of access to murder, you guys. Yeah. Feed you.

Yeah. You want to eat? Fuck off. Make your dinner. Oh, God. Yes. Slowly, right? Slowly killing you with your food.

Yeah. I remember reading... Psychological torture, too, is a big one. I remember reading a story of a woman who poisoned her husband by taking something... It was something out of the fish tank, like filters, and she was crushing a little bit of it up every day and, like, putting it in his food, and it took... It was, like, heavy metal poisoning, but it took a couple months. Yeah, it was, like, the passive-aggressive equivalent of killing someone.

Well, because if you don't have the tools of aggression, so you need to be passively aggressive, I'm going to go out on the limb and say, he probably deserved it. I'm just... I'm putting it out there. I think if they're going as far as to murder the person, boy, yeah, it's probably a real... Yeah. Because, like, I mean, just leave the guy. You're going to get...

If you feel like you can't leave, then the person has to turn. What are the percentages of murderous psychopaths that are women? Now, they exist. Yeah. Very low. Like, let's not pretend they don't exist. They exist. But I'm going to say they're slim compared to men.

Well, most murders are male. Most murderers are male. So in general, and then a subset of that are serial killers, and I'm sure, like, a tinier subset of that are female serial killers, although, you know, the female serial killers... But how often are they driven to murder because of women? Yeah, well, right. Always. Because they're mother.

Yeah, yeah. It's mother. It's mother. It's often mother. Yeah. Mother is usually the source of it, right? Sure. But women, I feel like the famous ones, they get away with it for a really long time because

usually they work in nursing homes or at orphanages or stuff like that where they have access to lots of... Yeah. Like the angel of death thing. Sweet old lady murderers. Yeah. Oh, sweet old lady sociopath. Yeah.

That's a scary, scary thought, a scary character, right? Someone who's so sweet and kind on the surface and who's just slowly poisoning you. Yeah. Oof. And that exists, but it's very rare. Yeah. It's very rare. It's especially rare that cross-gender couples murder together.

So those are really interesting stories also, like men and women that team up in order to kill together. For fun? For fun. Yeah. For a pleasure. I found you. I found my perfect partner.

Yeah. And how do you discover that? How do you get into that? Online, online, online. But before there was, before there was online, you know, how do you broach that subject? You get an inkling, right, and you're like, you see an opening and you're like, you're test the waters. Well, you know what happens?

You go out on a date and she tries to kill you. Yeah. You go home and then you try to strangle each other. Oh, that's great. How's it going to do the same thing to you? Yeah. I have an idea. I have an idea.

Let's team up. And then every night you're also sleeping with one eye open and that's hot. You don't know, like, at one point. Tonight's the night she's going to get me or do I get her tonight? Guys, a new season of NFL football is almost upon us. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

And you know what that means. I'm clear, buddy. It's time to try out for the Eagles again. No. Uh, Robbie boy. I don't think so. I'm talking about gambling, baby. Okay.

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That's a matrix reference. Have you guys ever pooped your pants? Yes. Once. Only one time. As an adult. Yes. And a full on.

Full on. A full on. For years. No stop. Filled your pants with poop. Not like a leaky fart, but like. No, no. I've never done that.

I hear people talk about like sharding or like looking in their underwear and there's just skid mark. I don't know why that's just never been my best. It's never happened to me. That's not your bad. You're an all I got. Nothing. Nothing.

I've heard of people shitting their pants before or shitting the bed and thought, man, that's just never going to happen to me. I'm a grown adult. I don't have problems with incontinence. Continence is that. That's right. That's right. And then one day I just straight up shit my pants a full release.

Yeah. Full. Out of the blue. Out of the blue. Okay. So how old? How old were you? I can tell you I was in my thirties because my son was born.

He was sitting. I was, it was my turn to watch the kid. He was asleep, but he was in one of those like chairs that just like vibrate, you know, like those little rockers and I was, I was working. I was typing at sitting at like a desk chair and I just remember sitting there like working and all of a sudden feeling like some kind of rumble. And then like maybe I'm thought I had the far, I don't know what it was, but it just exploded.

I mean, I laughed so hard. It came up. No. There's no, there was no reason for it or what happened. It came up and out my shorts from the top and through the bottom and I was just laughing hysterically. You had access, quick access to a toilet. When I say a toilet, when I say a bathroom was six feet away, I could, I could see the

toilet from where I was sitting. That's not the point. The point is, you thought you had something that wasn't a shit. Yes. You were ready to let it out and it was a shit. It was a full. I mean, so you did think it was a fart, but it wasn't a little, usually it was a giant. Yes.

But when I say, I was, I don't even remember thinking like, Oh, well, let me just squeeze this out. It was just, Oh, and I remember like almost like, like, yeah, I say, sure, and I was laughing so much. And what dog were you thinking about at the time? Yeah. No, no. I was laughing so hard and I was like, he, I was like, I got to wake my son up, but he's

not going to get it. He's too young. He doesn't get it yet. But I was, I called Kaitlyn, my phone was there and I called Kaitlyn. I called her from the landline and I was like, when are you coming home? Because I have to have you. I wanted her to come in to the room and see the scene because it was, it was absolutely insane.

And she was gone for hours. And I was like, I think I could sit here for 20 minutes, but I can't sit here for two hours. And so I got up and in a perfect world, I wanted her to come home and have her just walk in and then just pretend like nothing was happening and have her be like, it smells really bad in here. Check your baby's diaper. No, it's the, you got to just.

Is this just to complete the set? Because you peed on her and she stayed with you. So you're like, well, if she can get through this, we're together for her. But I thought, man, what a great bit. Like if, if, if she could walk in and I'd be like, oh, I got to, I guess I got to change the kid and then getting up and like changing the kid and realizing that there's just shit all over me. That's unbelievable.

Was there a carpet? Like, no. It was a horrible floor. It was a horrible floor and it was a wooden desk chair, but it was like, did you throw the clothes away? Or did you try? Christ, you weren't in your linens. Were you?

I'm not in my linens. No. This was before you wore linens. Definitely. Definitely. The underwear got thrown away, but I don't know if. You wanted to salvage the pants. Like to my favorite pair of jeans, you might be also for anybody who does not have anybody

who's got kids and is hearing this story and recognizes that at the time I was changing diapers all day long, you get so used to it at that point in your life that you just don't give a shit anymore. And I'm the kind of person that gets like, I used to gag when I would like pick up dog poop. Now I just doesn't bother me at all. There's a, like, there's a moment in child rearing where, you know, in the beginning, it's like the poops are like, they don't smell like anything yet.

It's just the breast milk or, and it's kind of a knock you was pile of brown like sausage biscuits. Yeah. And then, and then they start eating solid foods. Yeah, that's nice. And then it's like a homeless man has broken into your house and crapped in your kid's diaper and snuck out. You're like, what is this?

And then you get used to it. And I have never had explosive diarrhea in my pants. I don't know how. I've had so many, like, running to the toilet, sweating, close calls, to be, to be clear, this was not diarrhea. Yeah. This was this was a full like solid, but then was squished by the weight of gravity. Yeah.

Yeah. You know, I'm going to shit my pants and I can't get to the bathroom on time. It happened so fast that you're not sure what happened. It never happened before. And I don't think it'll happen again until I'm until I actually had a solid one come out when I was a kid. My buddy's, he had a basketball net in his room. It wasn't like a high ceiling.

So we would just like, I don't know, like, uh, it was like a little mini thing. Yeah. Yeah. A little nerve basketball. And we were just like playing. And I remember having my sweatpants on and then I just remember feeling something like fall down my leg and get like trapped in the ring of the sweatpants. You know?

And I was like, I think a poop came out and it's like in my, in my leg and like going to the bathroom, like shaking, like pulling, pulling the sweatpants out and then dropping the dirt into the toilet and be like, I pooped down my leg. I was like 12, but like real. That's that you and then, and that you knew what it was like to be a horse. Yeah. You don't know, you're just doing your thing. You're playing about.

It just came out. I jumped too hard or whatever it is. It went up for a leg. It was a big one, like a little hard round one, but how did it came? Meg, what was the last time you shit your pants? I just have never, I gotta say that my, I have like thing, I, I haven't reached that point of being comfortable enough with like poop talk yet. So I'm, I am now fantasizing about lemons, which is what I do when I get nauseated by

like conversations. Yeah. There's a certain percent of the audience that's going to be very turned off by the audience. I represent that percentage of the audience. That's all right. Yeah. Sometimes you got to face your fears.

You got to face your... It's part of life, man. But my... Everybody, everybody does it. That's true. My... Everybody poop. My husband's family loves telling stories about shitting their pants and like farting

and stuff. And so... Really? Yeah. And I... This is so un-English. I know. I thought I was marrying to this like proper British family and then that's all they want

to talk about. They're from out the countryside, right? Yeah. They live in London too, but, but they tell a really funny story. About my father-in-law, he's an art dealer and he was at his first... He had set up his own art dealership and he was going back to Christie's for the first time, like to impress all of his friends. And during the auction, he shit his pants and then ran to the bathroom and took off

his boxers because it was like contained in there. And he decided to hide them in the cistern of the toilet, like... And then he was like, oh, it'll be fine. Like I'll get out of here and whatever. It'll be somebody else's problem, goes home, tells my mother-in-law, his wife, about this funny thing that happened to him. And she's like, wait, were these your boxers that you've been wearing since school because they had his name sewed into the, to the band of it?

So he had to go back to the auction house. He brought an empty briefcase and he went back and like... A briefcase? Yeah, briefcase. Why not a shopping bag? Why a briefcase? We could get a good briefcase. We could get a brief in and out.

Like he had to sneak in and out without anybody knowing what it was. Oh, right. A shopping bag is a little... He put the boxers in there, went out, put some rocks in it and like threw the briefcase into the Thames. So that's a famous thing. People have been throwing shit in the Thames for thousands of years. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm still doing it. I say, fuck it, let's lean all the way into it. Let's have a whole show where listeners call in and tell us their poop stories. Who pooped the show? I don't think I've ever shit my pants. I've definitely sharded. Sure. That's, you know...

I have a specific memory. That's shitting your pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess, I mean, I haven't had a full release of it. A little bit of poop is still poop. Yeah, but they have a word for it. There must be a reason to distinguish. Take it easy, man.

Nobody's... Nobody's telling you you're dumb. You know the thing where like you burp and you catch a little throw up in your throat and then you swallow it back down, you're like, well, I just burped a little throw up. It's not the same as like vomiting for three hours in the toilet. That's throwing up. Yeah. That's just...

If you were to spit up a little bit of bile from your stomach and it came out of your lips and onto the plate in front of you, that's vomit. That's reflex. Yeah, but if you had to... But if you were like on a date and you had to either vomit a tiny little bit or streams of it out, you would rather the former, right? Of course. So there is a difference.

Like you would rather shart on a date than shit your pants, right? It's a micro shitting your pants is what it is. It's a sort of a, I don't know, yeah, a smaller version of it. There's a continuum. Yeah, yeah. Another spectrum. You usually can find a restroom and hold it long enough to find a restroom. This happened to me recently when I was in New York and coming home and I had to ask

the guy to find a gas station and I'm like, I'm sorry, you got to pull over. And then like two days later, Mary Elizabeth and I went to a restaurant and we walked with Russell and we were walking home and bumped into Dax and saying hi to him and the kids and everyone and I was like, oh, I have to run back to the house and let Mary Elizabeth keep walking. And I ran all the way to the house. Ran. Ran.

Stopping every few seconds to be like, are we talking, were your hands blades when you run in that fast? You know what I mean? Were you doing like Terminator? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm like sweating and running.

Are we talking like a swift jog while clenching your butt cheeks? Swift jog. Yeah. You weren't going all out like T2. Yeah, I think myself. Okay. Ike Baronholz tells an amazing story that involves him and Jennifer Lawrence and like, I think we should have people call in and tell their poop stories.

Yeah. I think that's a good idea. And we have a whole episode. You know, if you don't want to watch it, don't watch it. Fuck us. And if you want to listen to it. We don't. We should have celebrity poop stories.

That's what I'm saying. Slip. Okay. But then, but then let's mix it in with, you know, listeners and creeps. Yeah. All right. So we'll reach out to a couple of our friends and have them what call in and tell their poops.

Yeah. Maybe zoom. Do that. Maybe we could zoom them in. Okay. I like this. I like this plan. Well, I think we've learned a very valuable lesson today.

Poop. Poop is funny. It's funny. Poop is funny. Poop is funny.