The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 1 - Bone Saw

Episode Date: June 18, 2026

It's time for the first appraisal... Or is it? What could possibly go wrong when implementing The International Death Fakers Union's new demands? Live show tickets and transcripts at https://ameliapodcast.com Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast X: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

For the first week of August, 26, we're taking over theatreship in London with a series of events. Come see one or several and hang out with us aboard this historic cargo barge that is now a floating bar, cinema and theatre. Laplace's Demon is the new Amelia Project live show, which plays there on the 4th, 5th and 6th of August. Each show is a little different. That's because you, the audience, vote. on how the story unfolds. And if you can't come to London in person, don't fret, you can also get live stream tickets,

or as a patron, you'll have automatic access anyway. After the shows on the 5th and 6th of August, we're also holding the very first preview screenings of our new audio film horror project called Delivery After Dark. You can be one of the very first people to experience that. That's August 26 on Theatership in Live. London, tickets for Laplace's Demon, delivery after dark and multi-camera live streams available on ameliapodcast.com under live events. Hello, Tribe here. Enjoy these clips from the upcoming Goblins podcast, releasing June 22nd. Yes, nice.

You are trying to hide behind the veil from a bunch of very smart, very perceptive and very human-hating fairies. And you're in it. So yeah, I'd give you about 7 to 1 on surviving the week. Thanks. I just meant generally. Think in a tis. I'm a chooky boy. He's a choky boy.

With your legs. You can just call me the peeper. No, wait, no, sorry. I don't want to be caught with paper. You could put on a badge. Not all dragons be fire. Some spew poison. Do you spew poison?

I can. Go on then. I don't see it. I'm a great asset to the team. Wow. Now that is an impressive level of self-delusion. This elegant vessel is my wife. So I thank you to treat her with a little respect. It's also handsome. Anything else? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, problems.

Good. Well, unless anyone would like a swift tumble in the supply of, cupboard? No? Pity. Then I'm leaving. That's the Goblins podcast, coming June 22nd. Find this on your favourite pod-hole thing. Yeah. Yeah. Hello and welcome to this new episode of Amelia's appraisals. Today's episode is dedicated to Anonymous, who, despite extensive investigations, three private detectives and a regrettable incident involving facial recognition software at a garden centre has successfully concealed their identity and will one day vanish into the Alps under the assumed

name Robin, selling novelty snow globes from the back of a suspiciously damp VW. As always, you can find out more about the Amelia Project team, our Patreon community and upcoming live shows by going to ameliapodcast.com. Enjoy the show. Amelia's Appraisals, an Amelia Project series created by Philip Thorne and Einstein-Alspark-Brga, with music by Frederick Barden and sound design by Paul Kvara, brought to you by HR Agent. Episode 1, Bonesaw. Conducting a post-mortem on the living makes absolutely no sense. Post-mortem literally means after death.

She also likened it to a dentist's appointment. Oh, how strange. It's called an appeasel, I think. And who are we appeasing? Are we appeasing a monster? Are we appeasing a spectrum? The union. The union?

That seems so unnecessary. Tell me about it. And how on earth do we appease them? By proving we know what we're doing, or some such nonsense. I guess I could use the opportunity to figure out who put marble. in my M&Ms. Probably the same person who dropped a bag of teeth into your popcorn. Yes, maybe.

I'll suss them out. So you will be conducting this operation? Yes. And you want me to provide you with some tools? Do you have any ideas? First, we will have to turn your desk into an operating table. Okay. You can borrow my surgical light from the basement.

We will mount it. to the ceiling above your desk. Oh, yes, that's good. So they lie down on the desk. Then I will also give you latex gloves, a gown, a face mask, and a visor. Oh, you think it will get messy? I think it is better to be prepared. Well, I mean, I think I'd rather not cut anyone open.

Well, I do not think that will be necessary. Oh, good. Like the skilled torturer, you can tell. tickle, broad and prize without ever needing to make a cut. Oh, this will be fun. In my experience, one should always start with the feet. Oh, the feet, really? Yes, the feet.

The path to truth runs through the feet. Ask each of them to describe their job. Oh, yes. Then tickle their toes with an electric toothbrush and ask again. I'm not sure Salvatore will like that. Oh, yes, we should attach wrist and ankle restraints to the desk, so nobody harms themselves or others. Yes, good point. Would you like a truth serum?

You have a truth serum? No, but I have a vapor of cocoa, steam, sage, lavender oil, and just a hint of chloroform. I developed it to calm nervous clients before I work on their faces. But it works a bit too well and scrambled. their judgment for a good 20 minutes. Once the warm, confusing breeze hits their brain, they will believe anything you tell them, even that it is a truth serum.

Nice. Oh, would you like a bone saw? Yes, I would. I mean, I think so. What for? Give it a word every time someone gives a vague answer. Oh, yes. That's brilliant, yes.

So, who will be your first victim? I mean patient. Amelia. She's coming in half an hour. Ah, we better get this office turned into an operating theatre then. Let us go to the basement and gather the tools. Oh, yes, let's. Appraisals?

I honestly think that's not a bad idea. Right? I'm kind of embarrassed it took the Deathfaker's Union to suggest it. I must say I really like this new president, Khalim Faridi. He seems hell-bent on dragging our industry into the 21st century. God knows it can do with some shaking up. I mean, we're still twirling fake mustaches and gluing on eyebrows with prit stick when the rest of the world is faking its life online in 4K.

Agreed. But back to the appraisals. What questions are you going to ask? Well, that's what I wanted to get your advice on. Me? You know how I trust your judgment, Alvina. Okay. Well, how about a pie chart?

Oh, I do like a pie chart. Yes. You use a pie chart to determine the proportion of targets met versus partially met versus missed. Interesting. Go on. So, for example, met would be like last month's Tamara's beach vanishing. Signora do Rosario disappeared during a sunset boat tour. Her obituary ran on time and no one's seen her since.

Right. a straightforward, seamless disappearance. Partially met would be a case like, uh, the Bristol Crematorium switcheroo, which went flawlessly until someone noticed the ashes were actually cocoa powder. Or the Vienna Walt's exit. Oh, yes. Anna Grubor's dance floor demise goes without a hitch, but then...

She posts a photo of her new identity's lunch on her old Instagram. Have you seen this morning's Daily Mail? No. Dead famous. Deceased influencer stuns fans with new post. Oh dear. Did you see the one in The Guardian? The rise of the haunted hashtag is social media bringing back the dead? Yes. They're all obsessed with how she tagged her risotto from beyond the grave. I don't blame them. Have you come up with a cover-up strategy yet?

Well, I was thinking of posting a statement from the grieving family saying, we're aware of fraudulent activity on this account. Sadly, the deceased cannot. comment, then flood the feed with inspirational quotes and quietly set it to private. Oh, yeah, good idea. Anyway, back to our pie chart. Mist are the real disasters. Like the Paris funeral sneezing incident? Yeah, Renee was hiding in the coffin, then hay fever struck during the eulogy.

A-choo! Half the congregation fainted, the other half started clapping. The priest canonized Renee on the spot. I mean, he did get in. life of sorts. Last I heard he was leading a pilgrimage across Europe as the sneezing saint. Every sneeze is now considered a blessing. People queued to be sneezed on. So maybe that one wasn't a total disaster after all. Better example, the Filey Firework Fiasco. We don't talk about the finally firework fiasco. Sorry, sorry, sorry. In any case, I think the pie chart will give a quick

visual overview of how successfully targets have been achieved and where there's room for improvement. I think it's a great idea. And it's almost time for the first appraisal. What time is it? Oh, I have to run too. You're sourcing those plane tickets to Hong Kong for Joey and Salvatore? Oh, that's done already.

No, I have a meeting. A very exciting new contact. Potential client? Nope, someone who might bring in lots of clients. Great. I'll see you later then. I better go down and do so. some appraising. I'll bring him a cup of cocoa to put him in a good mood.

Uh, don't you ought to start with someone else. Joey, maybe. Why? It's just... You know who can be so stubborn. Oh, I can handle him. Besides, when we discussed it yesterday, he actually seemed fine about it. Okay. Well, I hope it goes well. Thanks. See you later, Alvina. See you, Amelia. One day you're negotiating with suppliers. The next, you're installing a shelf in the back room.

Running a business means moving in many directions all the time. TD's new small business banking accounts are built for how your business moves. It's how we're making banking more human. The 2006 Chevrolet Equinox awarded the most dependable compact SUV in the U.S. by J.D. Power. It's designed for your every day. And with available all-wheel drive, you can handle your to-do list with total confidence. Start your build at Chevrolet.ca. Details at J.D.power.com.

Come in. Hello. Geez. What have you done with your office? Good morning, Amelia. And what's with the latex gloves? Would you like to lie down on the slab? I mean desk.

No, I mean slab. Maybe I should have started with Joey after all. What is... Is that... Is that Coco? Uh, yes. It's for you. Here.

Wait a minute. You never bring me cocoa. Do you want it or not? Yes, I do. Thank you. You're welcome. Now listen, I've been thinking we should make a pie chart. And there's pie too. A pie chart.

Do you know what that is? Yes. Are you sure? It's a chart listing all the pies in alphabetical order. Apple pie, Benofi Pie. beef and ale pie, blackberry pie, blueberry pie, chicken pot pie, chocolate cream pie, coconut pie, custard pie, key lime pie, lemon meringue pie, mince pie, pecan pie. Please stop. Pumpkin pie. Rubab pie, shepherd's pie. Stop!

Yes, sorry, I do apologize. You're absolutely right. Shepard's pie isn't technically a pie, is it? A pie chart. Steak and kidney pie. Hmm? Strawberry pie, sweet potato pie. pie chart is a circular graph divided into slices where each slice represents a proportion or percentage of a whole. Ah, then I did not know what you meant, no. And by the way, my one sounds a lot more scrumptious. Please take this seriously. What?

The pie chart. The appraisal. Oh, right. Yeah. Oh, yes. Yes. Let's get started. I'm looking forward to it.

What? You are? Oh, yes. I've been preparing. all morning. Really? Oh, uh, how dedicated. Indeed. Now don't worry, it will only tickle a dintzy whincy bit. Tickle? Now take off your shoes. What? And hop on the desk. Slab. I'm not getting on your desk. Slab. Well, how are we going to conduct an appraisal if you don't lie on the desk slab? What are you talking about? Listen, we can do this the easy way or the hard way. What? I'll ask one more time.

Can you please Lie down on the... No! Very well! Ah! We're expecting that, were you? What the hell is that? A bone saw.

Stop! Stop waving a bone saw in my face. Oh, you don't like it? Well, I will only stop waving it in your face if you take your shoes off and lie down. Are you threatening me? Yes, I mean, no. I'm conducting an epistle, like you asked me to. What?

No, no, no, no. No, not you. What? What not me? I'm the one conducting the appraisal. You? Of course. Anyway, you don't conduct an appraisal with a bone saw. Why would you conduct the appeasel?

Because I'm the boss? Yeah, and who appointed you? My grandmother. Well, yes, all right, but with my approval. What's your point? We may have appointed you, boss. But that doesn't mean you get to call the shot. That's literally what that means.

Koslovsky and I founded the Brotherhood long before you, long before Martha Plum, long before... But it's not the Brotherhood anymore, is it? It's the Amelia Project. Well, maybe that was a mistake. What? Maybe we were better off before. Oh, you don't mean that. Oh, what if I do? What are you?

Oh, good, good Lord. Don't, don't, don't. You, you, pathetic, pompous man. I'm not... I'm not. Without me? Without my friend mother, drinking cocoa. You know, what would have happened if she hadn't felt you and Kozlovsky washed up on Phoenix Island, you wouldn't have survived one winter more. She gave you a new start, a new life.

Who do you think you're talking to? I am 68.375 times your age. You pipsqueak, you whippersnapper, you an annoying little mosquito. You are surprisingly strong. Shut up! How dare you talk to me like that? Yeah! I am this company!

Stop it! Both of you! How dare you? You're nobody without me! Oh! Ah! Ah! Ahvina!

Good morning. Alvino, where did you come from? I was listening at the door. Told you? But even if I hadn't, the dead is enough to wake Joey! Oh, no, it isn't. What am I missing? Oh! Joey! You're awake!

We're having a fight? Oh! We get Chalvatore. Ugh! Heshavertory! We're having to fun! Switch that thing off. It's giving me a headache.

Oh, yes, all right. There we are. Nah. There we are. Oh, look at that. You ruined my scarf. Oh, Amelia, it's all tangled. Your scarf ruined the bone sore.

Shut it. Both of you. The lot of people not be pleased. Now, let's take a deep breath and sort this out. I don't like your touch. tone, Alvina. What tone?

The one where you sound like you're about to ask me if I need the potty? Yes, Alvina, show some respect. Amelia is your boss. That's right. I am the boss. That's right. And I'm the founder. Leave us alone, please.

We were having an important business meeting. I thought you were conducting an appraisal. Yes, but you wouldn't take all the shoes. I know. I heard everything. I was listening in, remember? Okay, you really shouldn't... You both have a point.

I do. And I actually think this argument reveals a fundamental problem. What's that? Who is really in charge? Me. Me. Me. I hired you, Alvina. I'm the boss. Sure, but... What?

I don't know. I've always sort of felt that Kozlovsky was the real heart of the company. Kozlovsky? Think about it. The rest of us could be exchanged, but there's nobody you can do what he does. Without him? We wouldn't have a business. Well, I mean... Kuzlowski could never be the boss. He rarely comes out of his basement these days.

Look, you're a great boss of media. Don't get me wrong. Okay, sucking up right after you stab me in the back. Nice try. I wasn't stabbing you in the back. You're my friend. Aren't you? And that's what makes this difficult.

We're friends and colleagues. And sometimes, well, sometimes the hierarchies... Well, they might... They might not be so well defined, so... That's actually very well said. So, what? So, I think these appraisals, well, I think they're... They're pointless, I get it.

No, no, no, I actually think they're very, very necessary. Oh. But then who conducts them? Her or me? Well, that's the thing. What? Uh, okay, you might not like this. Oh, you?

I'm sorry, but that's ridiculous. You're the newest employee. Well, actually, Joey and Salvatore are the newest employees, but... Well, actually, Luke Dougal is the newest employee. Oh, yes. I always forget about Luke. Rattling chains out there in Hell Park. But no, I wasn't suggesting myself.

Oh. Then who? None of us. I thought you said appraisals are a good idea. Yes, but if they're going to be useful, we need an objective outside eye. An outside eye? I said you wouldn't like it. You're suggesting we bring in someone from the outside?

Yes. A professional. A professional torturer? Okay, you really haven't understood what an appraisal is, have you? An HR person. HR? It stands for... No, human remains.

No? Haunted relatives? Ham and radishes. Hot ravioli? Human resources. Oh. HR is responsible for employee relations, workplace policies, and creating a positive company culture.

I know what HR is, Alvina. Well, there are external agencies you can bring in to help with specific issues. Sure, but we can't just hire in some outside agency, can we? Why not? Because what we do is secret. Well, we swear them to secrecy. You know, like with a plumber who fixed the downstairs toilet and found three fake passports and a rubber hand wedged behind the U-Bend.

I mean, we are good at bribery. And NDAs. That's true. After Kostovsky started tattooing the NDAs under people's feet, the number of leaks has really gone down. Every time you put on your socks, there it is. I really think that by bringing someone in, we might learn a lot about ourselves and the company.

Very well. I want a list on the very best agencies on my desk by tonight. I'm on it. I'm not saying I approve. Neither do I. But it's worth considering. Oh, yes, yes, worth considering. And then shredding.

And then shredding the shredder. and then sinking the shredder that shredded the shredder to the bottom of the mariana trench, and then shredding the boat that brought the... Just keep an open mind. We might be able to make some useful changes that will make us happier and more productive. What? What's that? Oh no.

Oh, dear. Oh, I think it's... Here we go. Yes, it is! Where's the fight? Where's the fight? Oh, you're joining in! Good Lord, he sleeps for a week, then enters the office with the baseball bat.

Good one, shall we? Good Lord, the desk. No, baseball bats in the office. Bits of scarf stuck in... Stop. Come on. No, no, no. No, no.

About the sore again. It's self-defense. They stars of it. Look, don't. Alvina, can you get the katana sword from my office, please? That's the spirit, yes. Scared? Me?

You must be joking. Come here if you dare. Bring it on. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer. Julia Morizawa as Amelia. Julia C. Thorn as Alvina. Hemi Yiroham as Kozlowski.

Stan Morris as Joey and Fernando Tiburini as Salvatore. It was written by Philip Thorne and co-directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein-Alseberg Braga, dialogue editing by Oma Mancano, sound design by Paul Kana, music by Frederick Baden, graphic design by Andash Pedazen and production assistants by Marty Patsyvail. Alvina was recorded at Love Tracks Studios in Lunabok, engineered by Stefan Hayen. The executive producer was Imelda Bates, who died. while attending an invitation-only alpine wellness retreat focused on silence, mineral immersion and emotional exfoliation when a cryotherapy yodeling exercise ended in tragedy. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com. Nor would it have

been possible without our magnanimous patrons. If you want to become a patron to get the next episode a week before the regular release, along with a whole host of bonus stuff, head over to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. While you're on our website, why not book a ticket for one of our upcoming live shows? That's ameliapodcast.com for more details. Our super patrons at the time of recording are, let's take a swing at this. DeKala Sullivan, Celeste Joe's Heat 312, Auburnessant, Amelian Allison, Stephanie Weightenhnehela, Raphael, Edwado, Wifas Verastaki, Alison Thro, Patricia Bourne-Faunfaxe,

Bryce, Macon, Tibery, Curtney Mays, Rensens, Rensett, Aston, Aston, Fynette, Fynne, Hansen, Minsky, Sybil, Tiffany Duffey, Jacean Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniel and Inison, Matthew with two T's, the first T is Silent, Kelsey Page, Silas, Silas X, Isabella Arsino, G, the Blue Sky, Cannell, Cripted, Ethan Cobb, Helden, Incard, Artia Macada, Max Yaramin, DJ Goodall, Captain Cashay Natali, Aurora, Sunny D, Anomily, Merlock 20, Postmaster General Kewan, Postmaster General Kwan sent me, Shireel Dauna Iber, Nina Kortzenevsky, Eli, Catherine Joyner, Selwyn Justice,

and Jay Chui, getting slightly better, I think. Thank you all so, so much. If you want your name in the credits of the next episode, you can become a super patron, or just simply check out our Patreon community. You can also do that by becoming a free member initially. Thank you all so, so much, and see you soon for the next episode. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish.

Hey, Canada, I'm Jake Kalick, co-founder of Made in Cookware. Over the past nine years, we've outfitted over 4,000 of the world's best restaurants and millions of homes with professional quality cookware and now we're proud to be shipping live in Canada. At Made In, we meticulously craft our pans in the US and Europe. Now you can cook in Canada with the same high-performing cookware as the world's best chefs. Shop pro-quality cookware at madeincookware.ca. That's M-A-D-E-I-N cookware.ca. We look forward to serving you.