The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 2 - Bandages

Episode Date: July 2, 2026

A fresh face at the Amelia offices... Who is it and how will they fare? Find out in this next instalment of Amelia's Appraisals! Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  https://www.implodingfictions.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast X: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

For the first week of August, 26, we're taking over theatreship in London with a series of events. Come see one or several and hang out with us aboard this historic cargo barge that is now a floating bar, cinema and theatre. Le Plas's Demon is the new Amelia Project live show, which plays there on the 4th, 5th and 6th of August. Each show is a little different. That's because you, the audience, vermin. on how the story unfolds. And if you can't come to London in person, don't fret, you can also get live stream tickets, or as a patron, you'll have automatic access anyway.

After the shows on the 5th and 6th of August, we're also holding the very first preview screenings of our new audio film horror project called Delivery After Dark. You can be one of the very first people to experience that. That's August 26 on Theatership in Live. London, tickets for Laplace's Demon, Delivery After Dark, and Multicamara LiveStreams available on ameliapodcast.com under live events. Today, I met the love of my life. Her name is Juniper Prasima.

She just, she seemed kind of off to me. Why would you think that? Tell me. It's her eyes. They're just so dark. I feel like she's going to eat me or something. I get that a lot. Audrey!

Hell really broke the moment. They released her. And she is everything. Something's a miss at Juniper's House. Available everywhere this Valentine's Day. Welcome back to Amelia's Appraisals. Before we dive in, a quick note to say there are still some tickets left for our live show on the 4th, 5th and 6th of August on Theatorship, on the Thames. But if you can't come to London in person, we are also live streaming the shows. It's an interactive show where you vote. in real time on what the characters do next.

And as an online audience member, you'll get a QR code that lets you vote to, along with the live audience. We've never done anything quite like this before. We're really looking forward to it, and we'd love you to experience it too. So as a patron, you'll have automatic live stream access to all three shows.

Otherwise, you can go to ameliapodcast.com and click on live shows for in-person tickets and online tickets. This episode of Amelia's appraisals is dedicated to Andrew Lake, who died in a spectacular testing accident at a remote desert proving ground when a prototype tire failed at extreme speed and launched his car into a fireball that was visible for miles. The investigation concluded that there was nothing left to recover but melted metal and a few fragments of racing gear. Andrew is now the proprietor of a small motorcycle and bicycle workshop on

New Zealand's South Island, where his days are spent tuning engines, arguing about suspension geometry with locals and taking long rides along empty coastal roads. Thanks to Andrew and thanks to all our patrons. On with the show. Amelia's appraisals created by Philip Thorne and Einstein-Alspurke Braga with music by Frederick Barden and Sederick. Sound Design by Paul Kraner, brought to you by HR Agent. Episode 2, Bandages. Ah, oh, there. There we go, there we go.

No, I just, bloody gauze. Quite literally. Don't worry, I can get it back on. What about if you use both hands? No, no, that won't work. I'm very deft with my left hand. Ah, deaf with my left. Look, I've seen Sikhs adorn their turbans.

They always use two hands. Not comparable. Oh, I suppose not. See, oh, there we go. The bandages are back on. Sort of. Look, are you okay? Should I come back another time?

Oh, it's just a flesh wound. Well, yes, that's what's worrying me. My skull is intact. Good. Mm-hmm. Um, how did it happen? Did you have an accident on your way to work, or did it happen at, um... Oh, oh, right, yes.

Uh, uh, this is from two days ago, when I called you, actually. When you called me, right. If you remember, on the phone, I was... Doodoo! He-he-he-he-ha-ha-ha-ha. Yes, yes. You did seem rather... Well, now you know the circumstances.

I mean, you were quite, uh, quite. And now you see why? Yes, yes. It's bleeding a lot. Just a flesh wound. Yes, so you said. It's a quote. Um, there, there is actual blood running down your face.

Oh, uh, I'll just wipe it off. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Uh, uh, uh. Um, well, you look, um, Uh, yes? Well, if I'm honest, you look rather terrifying. Oh. With those streaks of blood across your face.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just ignore it. Well, I can try. Hmm. Ah. So this happened literally just before you called me. It did. Hmm.

Oh, oh, I was compass mentis, if that's what you're wondering. Totally. Oh, okay, good. Leah? Have you been to A&E? Oh, the ER? No. Uh, why not?

I never go. We have an in-house surgeon. Right, but the bandages? I'm sorry, but it doesn't seem like your in-house surgeon did a particularly good job. Your bandages keep falling off. Yeah, I know. They've come loose again. Oh, ah, there we go.

Ah! Oh, God, now there's blood in my eyes. Ah! Oh, well, look, a professional surgeon should be able to... Oh, no, no, no, no, I did this myself. Ah! Wait, but you just said... No, no, no, I wrapped it myself.

Well, why, if you have an in-house surgeon? Are you mad? I'd never let that crazy scientist anywhere near my wounds. Who knows what he'd get up to? I'm no guinea pig. No, no, no, no, thank you very much. But then you need medical care. Oh, no, no, no, it's just a...

A flesh wound. Scratch. It's bleeding. profusely. It's like your face is hiding behind a waterfall of blood. It's very hard having a professional meeting when you're looking like this. You'll manage. Um, well perhaps, but it, it's making me rather queasy. Oh, so it's all about you, is it? Oh, no, I'm sorry, but, but your bandages are coming off again. Do you have a safety pin? You know, it's very hard wrapping bandages around your own head with only one functioning hand.

Putting in a safety pin, nearly impossible. I stabbed myself so many times. I was almost left with no working hands. Look, pinprings all over my left hand. Yeah. But it works. I did notice your right hand is also a... Bandaged up, but it's not bleeding, so it doesn't count.

Doesn't count as an injury? I just pulled a muscle. It hurts like, I mean, you have no idea, but, you know... Okay, look, I know that if it occurred outside of work hours, it's none of my business. However, if it happened during work hours, I really would very much like to know what caused all of this. Why? Well, because I'm here to assess this workplace. Yeah, but not me.

Across all levels of staff, including management. But you're doing appraisals? Yes. So this is not about, well, health and safety. It's about the performance of the workforce. Sure. But the performance of a workforce is very much affected by their health and safety. I don't think so.

Well, I do like to be thorough. Good. Good, good. Thorough is good, uh, I, I suppose. Thorough is my middle name. Uh, oh, oh, your, uh, your bandages are, um, I've given up. Oh, oh. Right. So, how did it, um, um, uh, there was a fight.

A fight? Yes, just a little office brawl. I, I'm sorry, office brawl? Yeah. You don't have those? Well, then was that one time Sally slapped Peter at the Christmas party? Ooh. But during work hours? Never. Hmm. Different work cultures, I suppose.

Though it's been a minute since the last one. It's so refreshing. God, this wasn't the first one. Ebers all the time. Uh, you, you regularly get into fights in the office. Oh, uh, I wouldn't say regularly. the frequency is about as irregular as my period. Which is... A mystery to my gynecologist.

Right. So, just to get this straight, one of your colleagues beat you so bad that two days later you're still bleeding. Oh, I can't pin it on one person. I got excited. I tried to do a fancy sort of spin, and my katana got content.

the drapes, which was when I pulled that muscle in my right hand. Uh, you, uh, you were using weapons. Oh, not after the katana got caught in the drapes, I wasn't. But the katana getting stuck gave me this little jerky motion, which was when Joey and I knocked into each other and his baseball bat broke my rib. Uh, you have a broken rib, too? Oh, I don't know. I, I just know I can't laugh, cough, or pull up my socks. Uh, uh, um, I've been wearing flip flops ever since and it's so embarrassing.

Oh, huh. Anyway, being knocked to the front. floor by joy, I ended up exactly in the spot where Salvatore was dropping the grandfather clock. Uh, grandfather? Oh, but he wasn't aiming for me. He was aiming for Alvina who had dodged under the desk. And Salvatore is strong, but a grandfather clock is very unwieldy, especially when it's full of nitroglycerin swishing about. Uh, uh, nitroglycerin?

Don't worry, it didn't go off. It only goes off at 12 o'clock, and we haven't set the clock for years. Wait. This is a joke, right? Practically. Oh, oh, God. Oh, good. Okay. Oh, you had me there.

Well, compared to previous office fights, this was nothing. After the Good Friday Fistikovsky had to postpone corpsework for a week. There were so many limbs to sew. back on. Uh, what? I can't tell if you're joking or not. It's all fun in games. Good. So, are you ready to find out why all my employees are completely useless? Sorry? How they can get better? That's why you're here, right, to improve their performance? I'm very excited about that. Well, that's a change of heart. When you called me, I got the impression you were doing this out of a sense of duty. We're required.

by the union, but I do think this will be really useful. Which union? Our union? Right, which is... Oh God, do you have any painkillers? Oh, um, I might have some in my back. Never mind, I have some Japanese whiskey here somewhere. Uh, where is it?

Ah, there it is. Want some? Uh, perhaps you could start by going through each team member. Just a short presentation so that I know who I'm going to be. Great idea. Then I can tell you how each of them are underperforming. We have an interviewer. Oh, uh, what's his name again?

I can't tell you. Oh. Oh, have you forgotten? Are you concussed? No, I just won't. Oh. Well, it's on the form anyway. Here we go.

Just, uh... Oh, that field is blank. Look, I need to know everyone's name. Then his name is the interviewer. Uh... There's only one interviewer, and there's only one person wearing bow ties with teddy bear print. You can't get it wrong.

Sure. Thing is, he thinks. he owns the place, just because he's been here for 3,000 years, and he has the biggest issue with authority I have ever seen. It's a compulsion. If I open the car door for him, he'll shout, down with the matriarchy, and get in on the opposite side, just to be contrary. Interesting.

Then there's Kozlovsky, our surgeon. Oh, so he has a name. He's the one you described as a crazy scientist. Mm-hmm. Um, what's his role exactly? What does he do? What he does? He hides in his basement for weeks on end and works solely at night. He gets the job done, sure, but I would like to communicate with him every so often so we can avoid mistakes like when I left him a voicemail asking for five obese postmen and he gave me five obtuse roast hens. These things are easier in person. Now, let's move on to Joey. He interrupts.

every order I give with a snore. And if it isn't a snore, then it's a, huh? Salvatore, now he mounts either guns or explosive devices in every contraption I ask him to build. I keep going, please, please, this icebox only needs a fake bottom, not a military-grade defense system, ease up on the fireworks. And Alvina, well, she's all right, I guess. Though I wish she didn't act like she'd invented the wheel

every time she comes up with a new sticky tab system. It's just sticky tabs. And you've chosen pastel colors again? What's wrong with grayscale or black and white? How about every so often you could at least swab it out with prime colors? Oh, and then you have one off-site staff member. Is that right? Luke something from my notes.

Oh, Luke Dougal. Yeah, he's a mechanics and contraption consultant. Oh, so he's not a full-time member of staff? No. Oh, so he has another job? as well. He's a ghost in hell. He's a...

Ghost? In hell? Full-time. But not one of the official ones. He only haunts the CEO of hell. Oh. That would be the devil. Is that a joke?

Oh, well, you said hell? The devil. The theme park. He haunts Cody North. Oh. Mm-hmm. Oh, I see. I see, I think.

Hang on, he... Horns... We'll organize a trip to hell for you later this week. Now, come Friday, I guess you and I will have another meeting? Yes. The summary. Your appraisal. Oh, well, we can call it the summary.

Okay. Oh, I can't wait to see your results. Uh, look, just to be clear, I'm not here to implement any changes. I simply suggest them. You have to execute all workplace improvements yourself after I'm gone. Mm-hmm.

Your employees will not improve their performance over the course of this week. I just want to be clear about that. This isn't queer eye. There's no life-changing transformation at the end of it. I get that. Are you sure? Hmm?

It's just, I don't want you to have any false expectations. you know? This is a series of appraisals. That's all it is. It's not magic. Uh, oh, an appraisal. The act of examining someone or something in order to judge their or its qualities, successes, or needs. I looked it up. Uh-huh. Quality and success. Qualities, successes, and needs.

Yes. My needs. Uh. No, everyone's needs. When I hired HR agent, it was because you promised that your specialist, that's you, will quote unquote, develop an outsourcing effort that is completely reflective of your organization's HR needs. That is what it says on our website. I could have gone with superhuman resources who promised to charge your workforce with skills to marvel at. But I chose you. And we appreciate that.

Kuzlovsky's already superhuman. I don't need any more superhumans. I need employees that are just a tad less freaky and a tad better at their jobs. And I reckon if you can figure out whether this band of annoying misfits have any redeeming qualities whatsoever and help me understand how to utilize those qualities, then we're more than good. I mean, sure. I'll do my very best. Though, in order for me to do my job, I need a few things from you first. Of course, anything at all. Oh, do you need an office?

I'll kick Alvina out of hers. Do you want coffee? Salvatore makes the best espresso this side of Sardinia. Any side of Sardinia, to be fair. No, no, I don't need an office or coffee. The first thing I need... Well, the first thing I need is to know what on earth it is. You do.

What we do. Yes. You still haven't told me what. kind of business the Amelia Project is. Yeah, you, um, you left that field blank on the pre-appraisal form too. I did, yes. In fact, you left most of the form blank and the bits you did fill in, you then redacted. Uh, you have to understand this is all hush, hush.

I wrote that at the bottom. Yes. in bright red ink. Listen, you don't have to worry. All of our assignments are treated as highly confidential. Oh, but this is highly, highly, highly confidential. Well, it really doesn't matter if it's highly, highly, highly, highly confidential. We treat all of our clients like it's...

Oh, but this is... Don't say highly, highly, highly, highly confidential. Mm-hmm. Right. I still think getting me to swear allegiance on a battered copy of The Fun of It by Amelia Earhart was... Well, it was a little odd. That book is holy. It's a signed copy with a dedication. Well, sure, but you have to... I've made a schedule. You're starting with Joey and Salvatorea. You've got to catch them before they're off to Hong Kong.

Hong Kong? Work trip. Oh, you do overseas business. Bedouins. In Hong Kong? Now, chop, chop. They're ready for you. They don't know you're coming, but I know they're in.

Come on, get up. I have other stuff to do. Excuse me? Off you go. We've talked enough. Well, look, I still need... I need to know what it is. You do.

It's better if you don't. Pushing me. Come on. Look, but in order to... If I told you, I'd have to kill you. Excuse me? Now, get out there. We don't have all day.

The workshop is at the end of the hall on the right. Yes, but look, look, you're bleeding again. Oh, sorry. On me? Oh, yeah, it got on your shirt. Can I try to fasten those bandages? Just let me come back in and let me do those bandages for it. Good luck.

Oh. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Julia Morizawa as Amelia and Jen Austin as the HR consultant. It was written, directed, and edited by Einstein Ulzberg Braga with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne. Sound design by Paul Kana, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Andersen, and production assistants by Matty Paltzvone. Executive producer was Emelda Bates, who bled to death, cutting herself on a pencil sharpener

and will return as a professional chewing gum tester. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR agent. You can find them at hragent.com. Neither would it have been possible without our dedicated Patreon community. You can become part of that community for just $5. Get these episodes early and ad-free, live stream our new live show, watch a replay of our previous show and so much more. As always, a massive thank you to our astonishingly generous super patrons

whose contributions keep our cupboards full of cocoa beans and our fridges stocked with replacement corpses. At the time of recording, that's I'll try and do your names justice. Celeste Joe's Heat 312, Auburnessant, Ameline, Alison, Stephanie Weitenhiela, Raphael Edwado Vivas Verastaki, Alison Thro, Patricia Bourne Wagner, Bryce, Godm, Cliff Heisinger, Michael West Tim McMacken, Tim McMachin, Tiby, Curtney Mays, Renson, Astra Kim, Olivia Dodson, Philip Hanson, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Tim, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O'Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniela Nissen, Kelsey Page, Silas X, Isabella Arzino. G, the Blue Sky, Canal Cripted, Ethan Cobb, Helden, Incheart, Attia Macada, Max Yarramin, DJ Giggle, Captain Cache, Natale, Natale D, Anomily,

Merlock 20, Postmaster General Kwan sent me, Shireel Downer Iber, Nina Kotton, Eli, Catherine Joyner, Selwyn Justice, Jay Chui, and Andrew Lake. For more info on the show, becoming a patron, live show tickets, and more, go to ameliapodcast.com. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. Hey, y'all, it's Kelly Clarkson with Wayfair. Ever order furniture online and wonder, what if? Like, what if it doesn't hold up? That sofa was four days old.

You should have ordered from Wayfair. With Wayfair, there's no what if. Just style you love and quality. you can trust. Visit wayfair.ca.