The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 3 - Salvatore's Ultra Fancy Super Secret Non-Patented Corpse Drop Contrapment

Episode Date: July 16, 2026

With a long title like that, let's keep the blurb brief! It's time to visit Joey and Salvatore in their workshop! Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  https://www.implodingfictions.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast X: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Subscribe to incoming now before it's too late. This new episode of Amelia's Appraisals is dedicated to Michaela Henry, an HR manager at HR agent, who died under circumstances involving a hammer, three paper clips and a homemade tornado. She has since re-emerged as a stand-up comedian in Plotten, Scotland, where audiences have swelled to 13 on multiple occasions. A statistic she mentions whenever possible.

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We hope to see you this summer. But for now, on with the show. Amelia's appraisals created by Philip Thorne and Einstein-Alspok Braga with music by Frederick Barden and sound design by Paul Krana, brought to you by HR agent. Episode 3, Salvatore's ultra-fancy super-secret non-patented corpse drop contraction. It's the other way. Sorry?

His office is the other end of the hall. Uh, whose office? I don't know his name. You don't know your co-worker's name? No. So you're pretty new here then? No, it's normal. I had an uncle we only ever called Il Dito, means the finger.

To this day, I don't know I'll Dito's real name. or if he was actually my uncle, or if even at fingers. He always wore mittens. Huge leather mittens, one size too big. He was a very scary man. Right. It's just a completely opposite end of the hall. The door right at the end, you cannot miss it.

There is a sign that says, stay out unless you bring Malteseers. Well, I'm actually here to see you. Excuse me. Me? Yes. He sent you? No, Amelia.

Amelia sent you. Why? Is that true? Are you lying to me? No, I'm not. Nobody lies to Salvatore. If I find out you're pulling a funny one, I'm going to make sure you too need to wear mittens for the rest of your life. I- I get the drink.

Good. Now why are you here? I come from HR agent. We're an external HR company. I'm here. to do an appraisal? Ah, extermination, eh? There are no rats.

We take care of that ourselves. Joy and I don't like rats. No, no, no, no, I'm not an exterminator. But you said? I said external. Oh, but it's daytime. Sorry. I'm here to conduct an appraisal with you and Joey.

Joy? Joey! Joy! Wake up! This person's here on some funny business. Amelia's Center. Oh, one a notch. It's morning.

Is it? I come from a company called HR agent. You're a secret agent? Oh, that's so dope. No, no, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I'm not a secret agent. Oh. Then that's a very misleading name.

Are you a real estate agent? No. I had hoped Emilia would have informed you that I'm coming, but she didn't. Now, I'm here to do an approach... I'm here to talk to you about your work situation. Oh, right. Like what? Well, we could start with what it is that you do. What's this, for example?

Oh, I'm welding a hearse. Oh, you're fixing a car. Pretty much making one from scratch. Oh, that's very nifty. Yeah, it has a secret compartment here, you see? Uh, yes. So when the coffin goes on top there, you can slip out the bottom and into the hull. I call it Salvatore's ultra-fancy super secret knob, pet, and the corpse drop contraption.

Uh-huh. No crawling, no fiddling with doors or levers. The driver pushes the button and blop. Uh, wow. Need. The... Salvatore's ultra-fancy super secret non-patentic corpse drop contraption. And you don't have to worry.

I'm putting in plenty of cushions. It's as soft as if you're landing on ducklings. Without binks. I've landed on ducklings once, okay? Those small bastards bite on. Uh-huh. What do you mean I don't have to worry? You're not planning to test this on me, are you?

You're not Binion Barrows. I'm clearly not. Oh, then why are you here to look at the corpse drop? It's for Biniam's case. I'm not here, for the hear, specifically. I'm here to find out how the two of you are getting on here at the Amelia Project. I see. Well, pretty good. No one tries to kill us. Okay, and what about the office brawls?

You heard about the office brawls, eh? Ah, they're fun. No, we don't feel threatened. We're stronger than the others. Apart from Kozlowski, when he gets angry. Or when he gets out that injector gun. I hate the injector gun. But apart from that...

We're a strongman, right? Um, strong men who put guns in everything, according to Amelia. She said you have a penchant for adding fire-re to the things you build. That's all Salvatore, not me. I take no credit. I'm better at firing. Not so good at eating things.

No. But very good at firing. For sure. Um, so are there firearms concealed in this hearse then? I'm just trying to get a sense of whether Amelia's description was an exaggeration or not. Listen, binion. Binyam. I'm not.

Binyam. Listen, Binyam. I'm not. Until I know your real name, you're Binyam to me. Binyon's a massive. Listen, Signora Bingiam, I've added a super thrust turbo engine for immediate getaway scenarios. Uh-huh. I've added GPS, heat vision, radar and sonar for steering.

I've added spring ejectors to every seat, hydraulic coffin expulsion, a cowcatcher, and a solar-powered bird bath on the roof. Uh-huh. This car don't need any more gadgets, all right? Alright. All right. So there's only one Tommy gun hidden in the exhaust pipe, and the car. exhaust pipe and that's it.

Engine sputters every time you shoot. You can't hear the gun. Okay, okay, fine. I call it... Let's not talk about the hearse anymore. Let's talk about your work situation. And do you have any complaints or is everything okay? Did you say complaints?

We're allowed to complain. Well, right. I'll tell you my complaints. I should go into the downstairs laboratory and shout into the boss. Big corpses, small corpses, but it didn't work. Doesn't happen. Big corpses, complete corpse.

Don't you want to know? Well, uh... If there's a type of course, The thing I've landed up some stairs, and down from stairs, and into buildings and into fields and forests and up the mountains, you know, like that time he gave me a whale penis. And it's not that they're ready.

I could spend all day in the gym. Then I was walking around this huge thing, sticking out of my trousers legs, I've asked Kozlovsky to stifled them up, or give them handles or wheels or something but. Look like someone. No, they've got to look realistic, only they forgot to amped to be old. So I'm really glad I got my old little penis back.

And then there's a stilbush. It's actually, it does the job, and it's kind of pretty if it ain't all that huge. And sometimes the head comes off. And then there's all the diseases I've had to try. And the meningococcalibus. And when it does, it's suddenly. And cephalatistical Ebola and the polyosoliosis. When it's clearly just a slightly differing dipteria.

The same thing. Because you shouldn't get the cocoa on this stage. Because it's much to be hungry. It's not nice. It's dead skin. I'm going gray on my tummy ears and joyed as a bold spot. Did I mention the long working hours? When's handsome fella supposed to get his beauty sleep?

Um, wow. Okay. That's, uh, that's a lot. Did you take notes? Did you take notes? Um, you talked a lot about the transportation of... Corbses. Dead fox.

Remains. But during the service itself, what's your job? Service? You mean the funeral? Yes, or memorial service or whatever the clients require. Oh, I see. Well, it differs. There was that one time.

Joey had to be the pastor, but he fell asleep in the middle of the sermon and tumbled down from the pulpit. In that time, Salvatore, had to be up and a bell down to cut loose the bell on cue. And that time, Joey had to conduct the tubular orchestra, but fell asleep and landed on the tubes, and it was so noisy that client came jumping out the coffee. But you didn't wake up, did you? I did it. I got no idea. You didn't wake up until Kozlovsky pulled that one tube out of your bottom.

Don't know how I got in there. My theory is one of those tub that are playing brats got annoyed at you landing on their instrument and... Shroop. What? Shroop. Oh, and there was that one time you had to be in the audience and go into hysterics on cues to no one would notice old Miss Lemmon slipping out behind the pulpit. And that time, me and Joy were two of Mrs. Xander's pallbearers,

but Joey fell asleep at the top of the hill, and we all lost our grip when he let go. And it was one of those coffins that are wheeled on this wheelie thing, and the coffin came rolling down the hill. Woosh! The replacement corpse went flying and landed right on top of a wheelbarrow, which was handy, because we could just tip it into the grave. Um, sorry. Replacement remains?

Replacement corpse, yes. Why was there a replacement corpse? Because Mrs. Xander had been blown up in a spectacular explosion. I see. I'm learning a lot about your line of work. I'd never thought about what you'd do if the family has a tradition of an open casket, but the body has been mutilated. It exploded. Happens all the time.

A head looked like an octopus sausage. It did. Sorry. An octopus sausage. Joy prefers when I cut his sausages like a star at the end before frying them, so they sprawl out like they have octopus arms. An octopus sausage! I got to help, Kozlowski. I use the meat cleaver. Uh, uh, making octopus sausages.

Fixing Mrs. Anders head. I don't... Never mind. Let's move on. I think I've heard enough about the specifics of your workload. Let's talk about your wants and needs. Once and needs? Yes. At work. Is there anything you want? Anything you need that you don't currently have? For real. This is like Christmas.

Can we wish for anything? I can't believe Amelia sent you. Can we wish for anything? Well, you can certainly make any wish. I can't guarantee you'll get it. Awesome! And there's no camp like with Secret Santa, right? I always gotta steal stuff.

Otherwise, how am I supposed to get Salvatore and Nintendo Switch if there's a 10 pound limit? That was you? Huh! I love my Switch! I know you do. Only, I wish you'd let me play sometimes. I'm just gonna finish Zelda first, and then I'll let you try. What?

I need to check if the game works. Wouldn't want you to get disappointed. Oh. So, Beniam, can I get more Jallo films? Films? No. No, we're talking about... They're awesome, really violent.

They remind me of the Motherland. No, I was thinking more about... I want an ice cream machine, soft serve. I want a bubble bar. Oh, and a sauna. I want a Ferrari. But you fixed up that one, Ferrari. One we don't blow up.

I want a flashlight. What is a flashlight? I'm not sure, but I think it's a light that make sort of walls in your room look like flesh. And then you either feel like you've been eaten by a big monster or you feel like you're still inside the womb and you're a fetus again and you're all innocent and you have no responsibilities in the whole world

and you can just sleep. I'd like a new lighter. It's run out of gas. Listen, you've got the wrong end of the stick here. I'm not Santa Claus. I'm here to evaluate your performance. Evaluate. Here to do what?

To assess your workplace performance. What you achieve in your work? And if there's any room for improvement, personal improvement, which would make you feel proud. Bate! Get up! Who do you think you are? Get up!

Who do you think you are? No, no, no, listen. It's not a bad thing. Joe, throw her out. Why me? Yeah, why us, eh? We're busting our arses while other people here drink cocoa and play tidly dicks.

Now, Joey, get her out of my worst. shopper. Please. Will you... Yeah. Please leave. Assessing me? Vattene. Joy, kick her out. No, no, no, no. Wait. Look, an appraisal. It's just... I'll put my appraisal up your backside.

Now, Joey, kick her out. You're not the boss in me. You're right. She's not the boss of us. No, I mean you! Excuse her? Me? You're always bossing me around and I can't take it anymore. You're out of line.

Oh, you figure? You're not my boss. I'm your senior. You're not. I'm your line manager. You're not! We got the same job. We just do different things.

That makes no sense. And I'm older than you. Yeah, by how much? I don't know the maths. Doesn't matter. I'm awake, so that makes me the boss. All the best bosses are asleep. That's how you know they're the top boss.

They don't need to do nothing. Oh, so you're the boss now because you sleep at work? None of us is the boss. Amelia's the boss. She's not. Co-co-a-duits the boss. The boss. Coco, dude.

He's a secretary. Alvina's the secretary. You idiot. No, you're the idiotta. Cocoa Amanda's the interview. Alvin is the client outburst officer. Well, she's not your boss, that's for sure, because that's me. You're not.

Listen, I don't know whose boss. Maybe it's Alvina, maybe it's Kozlowski, maybe it's Amelia, it's definitely not you. You always act like this big man. You always say, do this, do that. Because you never know what to do. never know what to do. What would you actually get up to if I didn't tell you? Huh? Nothing. Because one, you're asleep when they give the order. Then two, you're asleep again when they repeat it. And three, you show zero initiative. I initiated Sunday,

Sunday. Okay. Outside ice cream, what have you initiated? You're always asleep. I'm tired because you boss me around too much. Oh, come here, you little. Don't come here, you. Take that. Take that. Oh, God, come on you. Yeah, tough now! No! I got to eat those scourts! That burns! Oh, it's feeling.

It's feeling. Not good. Hey! Hey! Tell me, I'm gonna beat your ass. See it, son of them. In my decades of organizational consulting, I've witnessed a lot of things. I'll kick your ass.

But nothing, nothing like this. However, I think at the root of this, behind the blatant violence, I can see what the problem is. Yeah, he is. He is. Now, please, sit down, breathe and listen to me for one second. He is. Numerous times I have seen the catastrophic consequences of treating employees as interchangeable units

rather than complex nuanced individuals. I am very complex. Of course. Of course you are. And I'm no one. One particular incident crystallizes this understanding. There's two professionals, pushed to their breaking point in a high-pressure environment, escalated their conflict to physical confrontation. Fisticoves. Nothing like this.

But still, conventional playbook would dictate immediate disciplinary action, perhaps termination, or a structured intervention that reads like a legal document. But no. No. Instead, I initiated a more surgical approach. You're going to operate on us? No, no, no, no, no. You could try lobotomizing him. That might work. Would it change nothing?

Look, I got the parties to talk, to try to reveal the underlying truth, and I did. What appeared to be a fundamental personal incompatibility was, in reality, a communication breakdown, fueled by unaddressed systemic pressures. Huh? An extraordinary transformation occurred by creating space for the genuine dialogue and listening beyond the surface-level narratives. These same individuals who, moments before,

were unable to occupy the same room, voluntarily reconciled, establishing a working relationship founded on mutual understanding. Like he said, huh? Look, I'm just trying to see if I have any tools in my... toolbox. We're in a workshop. There's plenty of tools. Salvatore, I don't think you feel superior to Joey. Am I right? How do you know? Huh? I'm good at my job. Now, please, tell him. I can see you care about him.

Well, yeah, I mean... Tell him. Listen, Joy, my friend, I don't want anyone to compare the two of us because... Because I don't know who they'd keep. Excuse it? If they were to fire one of us, I think they'd keep you. They'd obviously keep you. You don't want to does everything. I'd just fall asleep, like you said. I'm useless. You're not useless. You can take a beating like no one I've ever met.

I can. That's true. You're indestructible. You're like a superhero. But me? They got looking, didn't they? To build stuff. And Kozlovsky also built stuff? I try to impress them. But there's only so many guns I can fit into a blender, you know? I suppose.

And all the time they treat you with such understanding. They always give you an easy time, because they like you more. I thought they gave you all the jobs because they like you more. Maybe they don't like any of us. It's just against the world. You and me. Maybe. They like both of you equally. Nah, that doesn't sound right.

Look, regardless, I'm not here to fire anyone, or recommend anyone gets fired. You're not? No. No? No, I'm really not. Oh, that's a relief. I'm just here to get you to connect. Oh, thank you. We needed that. To get you to talk.

Talk? Yes. To spill the tea, as it were, about how you... You want us to snitch you? No. You want us to snitch you? No. You're here to get us to rat on people.

Who do you think we are? That goes against the coat. No, no, I... Get out. Get out. Get out. Be it. Come on, my friend.

Let's throw her out together. Let's. I'll grab the legs. No, no, no, no. No. No. Come on. Get her.

Get her. Get her. Get her. She's fast. I'm going. I didn't think she'd be that fast. Don't here anyway. What?

Welled for a little bit and you take a nap. No. You just sleeper. You're better at it. I am. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Stan Morris as Joey, Fernando Tiburini as Salvatore and Jen Austin

as the HR agent. It was written and directed by Einstein Ulspok Braga with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne and dialogue editing by Omer Monsano. The sound design was by Paul Krane, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Andesch Pedersen and production assistants by Marty Pardt Céval. The executive producer was Imelda Bates who will disappear whilst testing a new sports car when two Italian mobsters burst onto the scene committing grand theft auto, shoving Amelda into the boot of the car and speeding off never to be seen again. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com. As always, we'd also like to thank all of our patrons whose monthly pledges

are the foundation on which all of our creative endeavors are built. If you are a patron, of the Amelia Project from as little as $5, you'll get free live stream access to our summer events aboard Theatership. And a super-duper, fancy, schmancy, hush-hash, non-patented shout-out to our super patrons at the $20 tier and above at the time of recording. That's Celeste Gilles-Josephi, Hector, Heson, Heson, 2, Albuhrush, Heson, & Allis and Alison, Stephanie, Weitnhella, Raffel, Eduardo, Viva, Sarasta, Alison Fro, Patricia Bourne Wagner, Clif Heisinger, Michael West, Tim McCa, Mac and Tibby, Courtney Mays, Renssen, Astrach, Asterkim, Olivia Dodson, Philip Hansen, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Bernard, Tim McAis, Sybil, Tiffany, Duffey, Jason Woodes,

Ryan O'Mara, Staphann, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniela, Nissen, Kelsey Page, Silas X, Isabella Arsino, G, the Blue Sky, Canalt Criptid, Ethan, Heldon, Incard, Artia Macada, Max, Yaraman, D, Gouldle, Captain, Cache, Natale, Aurora, Sunny, D, Anomomily, Merlock 20 Postmaster General Kwan sent me Shereil Downer Iber, Nina Kotzernivsky, Eli, Catherine Joyner, Selwyn Justice, Jay Chui, Andrew Lake and Ragnar Jensen. That's all for now. We'll be back soon, and in the meantime, check out ameliapodcast.com. Every story is a ghost story. When we tell an anecdote or a funny thing that happened to us,

when we talk about the way things used to be, when we desperately try to touch the things that have faded. Anytime we remember, we're talking about ghosts. And ghosts want something. Palomcess, created by Jameson Ridenauer and Haley Hinninger. Embrace what haunts you. The hit sci-fi thriller podcast, I Am Echo, returns for season two. Catch up on season one and listen to Season 2, available now,

starring Tony Shalube from TV's Monk and The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel. Hey, sweetheart, over here. You see those fins in the distance? It's a pot of dolphins. They stick together no matter what. Catherine's mother, billionaire narcissist Barbara, is imprisoned. Catherine has always believed her mother was responsible for her father's death. There are going to be some people you'll meet that are part of our pod.

Your mom, though, your mom's more like a bull shark. But is he dead? Or is he reaching out from beyond the grave? The work I'm doing is in the quantum field. Any more detail on it, you'll need 2,000 more lab hours. Memories leave a mark. That mark can be tracked and moved. The world will never know if my wife has her way. How the hell is that possible? My work wasn't meant to be exposed, not to them.

Now I work for them. When it comes to his work, we can't trust anybody. She's not going to shoot. Catherine! From Voyage Media, Season 2 of I Am Echo. Available now on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or anywhere you listen to podcasts.