The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 4 - Incentivised Cooperation

Episode Date: July 30, 2026

No sooner has our trusty HR warrior been kicked out of Joey and Salvatore's workshop, than she runs into Alvina, who warmly welcomes her to The Amelia Project and offers her a nice cup of tea . Surely this encounter will work out better, right? Right? Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  https://www.implodingfictions.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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The schedule is refreshingly light. Enjoy the episode. Amelia's appraisals created by Pepin Oestine with music by Frederick Barden and sound designed by Paul Kranah brought to you by HR agent. Episode three, incentivised. co-operation. Oh, hello. Are you feeling all right? You look pale.

I'll be fine. It's just that I'm not used to being threatened. Threatened? Uh, let me guess. Joey and Salvatore. Yes. Sorry about them. I couldn't quite determine what they do exactly.

How shall I put it? They're like our guard dogs. Guard dogs? But once you get to know them, they're more like lap dogs, really. Hmm. Hi, I'm Alvina, by the way. Alvina. Nice to meet you.

And your position is? Well, my official title is Client Outreach Officer. But in reality, I'm part therapist, part chaos wrangler, part incentives coordinator. Yes. It seems everyone wears many hats in this company. Hats, wigs, mustaches, sometimes all at once. What do you mean by incentives coordinator? Well, basically, I handle situations where a polite smile isn't quite persuasive enough.

I don't follow. Sometimes all it takes is a strongly worded email. Sometimes an envelope of cash, and sometimes, well, sometimes you have to get really creative. Like training a raven to deliver a very pointed message at exactly 3am. Are you talking about bribery? Intimidation? Well, I prefer to call it incentivised cooperation. Oh, but I also have friendlier tasks.

Like welcoming new clients. How do you take your tea? Or do you prefer cocoa? Now, since you're a walk-in, I'm going to have to ask you to complete a little survey. A walk-in? Well, you didn't call us in advance, did you? Oh, my gosh. Oh.

You're not Helen Harcourt. I'm sorry, I haven't prepared the premises yet. No, no, I'm not Helen Harcourt. Oh, thank goodness. And you didn't call us in advance, right? Otherwise, I would have started compiling your case file over the phone. You see, he's very particular and only takes on the most unusual cases. Who?

There's no need to know his name. I'd really like to know who I'm doing business with. Now, just sit down and fill in one of these surveys. There you go. Well, I get your tea. You still haven't told me how you take it, by the way. A spot of milk and two candorale. if you've got any.

What is this? Oh, the survey. What does current full name and future full name if known mean? Don't worry if you've not given any thought to your future name yet. When you reach the second stage, if you reach the second stage, there will be an interview in which he, he can provide you with some suggestions okay

what about date of departure again it's fine if you haven't made up your mind in fact the more flexibility we have at this point the better oh okay preferred method of departure

please tick dramatic low key accidental undist I did. Well, presumably you have some idea of how you'd like to go. Look, I thought this was a funeral home. Come again? But you're also a travel agency? Um... What is this company? It's both. What? A funeral parlour?

and the travel agency rolled into one. And we also deal with debt recovery. Debt recovery. Hence the incentivized cooperation. I see. How novel. Isn't it?

I'd really love to hear about how these different sides of the business work together. Right. Right. So you must be the representative from... A HR agent. Yes. Right. Yes.

Amelia said you were coming. Right. Yes. Hello. Hello. You have an office? Office is rather a grand word for it. It's a converted utility cupboard, but yes.

Why don't you go and make us a cup of tea and then we can have a chat in your office? Does that sound good? Uh-huh. Think of it as a full service operation. Okay. First, our funeral home arm handles all the traditional elements. Obituaries, urns, floral arrangements. Some families opt for a dramatic farewell at sea,

while others lean towards something traditional. A classic dignified service. Black suits, solo music, minimal fog machines. Fog machines? Oh, strictly optional. I see. Then our travel division takes over. Travel for the deceased?

for the bereaved. The bereaved? Yes. We specialize in post-berievement travel. People want to go on a holiday right after they've buried a loved one. Well, sometimes families need space to reflect. And we offer packages that provide comfort and serenity.

Spiritual cruises, extended sabbaticals, exotic grief retreats. Hmm. And the debt recovery part? Well, that's just to make sure everyone's... financial affairs are settled. It's all about synergy. Funeral services, travel solutions, financial closure, one smooth, elegant package. Well, that's quite the business model. Thank you. I think it's rather good too. We'd like to think of ourselves as pioneers. And you only take on the most unusual cases. What does that mean?

Well, there are plenty of funeral homes that cater for normal deaths, aren't there? We're the company that takes on the unusual ones. Unusual how? You know, the complicated ones. Complicated how? Clients who've been cursed, for example. Cursed? Well, we have to take precautions to make sure the... coffin doesn't start levitating mid-service.

What? Well, some priests don't take kindly to the coffin spinning during the Lord's Prayer. You know? Oh, and then there are the biohazard cases. Biohazard? You know, where the body's fine as long as no one breathes near it or, in some cases, looks at it for more than four seconds. We had one that caused spontaneous nosebleeds in the congregation.

What? And another, that was so radioactive, the flowers started wilting during the eulogy. The priest had to wear a hazmat suit for that one. Is this a joke? Not everyone's lucky enough to pass away peacefully in their sleep. We had one client who fell into an industrial jam mixer. Open casket wasn't an option, obviously. We did consider a coffin shaped like a huge jam jar, though.

Another gentleman was found halfway up a church spire still clutching a lightning rod. And then there was the woman who tripped into her own pottery kiln. Very hard to get the glaze off, let me tell you. Oh, grief. Exactly. Our job is to make sure the service is dignified. Regardless of how many bits need reattaching, dissolving, or discreetly mopping up. We pride ourselves on meeting every client's unique needs,

however flammable, contagious or metaphysically unstable they might be. Impressive. Thank you. Although... Yes. I still don't understand. Why the new name... New name?

On the questionnaire, it said current full name and a future full name. That! Yes! Yes. That. Yes. That. Well, that's...

For clients who aren't technically dead yet, but would very much like to get ahead on the paperwork. On the... explain? We call them preemptive farewells. Uh-huh. Clients get to attend their own funeral, take home a commemorative urn. They choose a new name.

To live out the rest of their days, assured in the knowledge that their departure has been taken care of. It's peace of mind, really. They get to enjoy life knowing the admin of death is already behind them. Is that legal? Legal? Oh, yes. Well, legal enough? Are you sure? The legal is such a fluid term, isn't it?

We prefer to think of it as administratively discreet. Right. A grey area? Yes, but tasteful grey. Dove grey. Tope. Well, it just so happens. Yes.

I have a job for you. What? A case, as you seem to call it. But you were here to conduct appraisals, right? Oh, I am, but putting my HR agent hat aside for a moment. Are you all right? I'm sorry, do you have a tissue? Yes, of course.

Of course, um, here you go. Gosh, look, I'm, I'm really sorry. What, was it anything I said or? Oh, no, no, no. Not at all. It's just, well, you see, my, my uncle, he, he, he passed away. Just, just two days ago. Oh, dear, I'm, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Oh, I'm sorry, this is so unprofessional. Oh, please, don't worry about that. It's really not like me. It's just, well, hearing about your services, I'd love to hire you for Uncle Stanley's funeral. Right. Mm-hmm. I see.

So how does it work? Should I fill in? questionnaire? I'm dreadfully sorry, but we're completely booked out this month. Really? This year, actually. Book solid. But, um, didn't you just think I was a walk-in? Uh, when you welcomed me and offered me a cup of tea. Yes, you thought I was a client. Yes. And you didn't send me away. You gave me a questionnaire. So you do have vacancies?

No. Then why didn't you send me away? Because... We're already taking bookings for next year. That's right. For... for next year? Next year, yeah. It's always best to book at least 12 months in advance.

Uh... 12 months in advance of dying. Yes. But you don't know when your loved ones are going to die. Well, you can make an informed guess, can't you? What? Given their age, health, diet, propensity for risk. You're telling me, people book ahead based on when they think their loved ones will die.

Well, if the client isn't ready on time, we offered to postpone their funeral by six months. At no extra cost. Oh. How thoughtful. Generally, other clients die early so we can shift things around a bit. It's a bit like playing Tetris, but with funerals. Oh. And you really can't squeeze in poor Uncle Stanley.

I'm so sorry. It would really mean a lot to me. Look. It's not up to me anyway. Who is it up to? My colleague in the office next door. Ah, the one without a name. He has a name.

What is it? I genuinely can't tell you. Why not? Wait. You don't know his name? He's one of a kind. And as I told you, he only takes on the most unusual cases. So even if we had an opening, I'm not sure he'd accept your Uncle Stanley anyway.

I haven't told you how Uncle Stanley died. Well, unless he was a lion tamer whose beasts turned on him, or an archaeologist who opened a cursed tomb... Uncle Stanley was a caretaker. Or a janitor, as they called them in the US. He lived in Ohio, you see. Not a promising start. Ohio. No, I meant...

Oh, you mean because he was a janitor? Well, no disrespect. I'm sure Uncle Stanley did a terrific job. Well, yes. Everyone at Parkside Infant and Junior School loved him. I just don't think a primary school janitor is really... He died opening the cleaning supplies cupboard. Really? How did he manage that? Well, the door was a bit stiff, you see. Not yet.

He gave the handle a good yank. and the moment it swung open, a mountain of mott's, buckets and floor polish came crashing down. Oh, yes. We have one of those. The avalanche cupboard, we call it. It's where we put unnecessary bits and bobs which belong in the bin, really, but, well, my colleague is such a hoarder.

Anyway, I've put a note on it. Open at your own risk. Oh, sorry. How rude of me. You were telling me about your poor Uncle Stanley. Yes. A canister of disinfectant hit him square on the head. It spilled and he slipped backwards.

He tried to steady himself by grabbing a mop handle, which flipped up and caught him under the chin, knocked him into the recycling awareness display, which contained a sharp tower of aluminium cans glued together by Year 5. The headmistress found him in a pool of blood and disinfectant and covered in tins and juice cartons and yoghurtons and yoghap pots. That's a very graphic description. I have nightmares about it. But how do you know all these details?

Your Uncle Stanley is in a high. You said. Oh, well, um, the kids commemorated it with a classroom art project. Big rainbow, Smiley Sun and Mr. Stanley surrounded by airborne mops and a glittery halo. They made the disinfected bottle into a friendly little character with eyes. Bright yellow disinfectant. It was big red. Splat marks. Lots of smiling faces. The, the tea. The tea. The tea. was kind enough to send me a photo. I don't believe you. Neither do I.

What? You're not a funeral home. You're not a travel agency, and you're not a debt collector. So, all this talk of Uncle Stanley, you've been lying to me. Just like you. Uh. Hmm. Shall we start again?

I thought I did so well coming up with all of that. Oh, you did. Sorry? You're good at thinking on your feet, at sticking to your story, come what may. You've obviously done this before, many, many times. Are you calling me a serial liar? I'm not judging. But I get the impression.

Well, I think you're very used to going into damage control mode. Am I right? You're not wrong. Chaos wrangling, I think you called it earlier. Did I? Whatever you do, it seems to be a very chaotic working environment. You can say that again. How do you feel about that?

Well, I've come to accept it, really. My colleagues thrive on a certain degree of chaos. I think for them, chaos and creativity go hand in hand. Hmm. But what about you? Me. Well, it's not about me, is it? Oh, it's all about you.

Oh, no, no, no. You've misunderstood. What do you mean? I'm... I'm more of an assistant, really. I'm relatively new here, and I honestly think sometimes I'm considered more of an annoyance than an acid. I meant this appraisal.

This appraisal is all about you. Wait, this is the appraisal? Of course. That's what I've been brought here for. Right. Yes, of course. It's just, you caught me off guard. Mm-hmm. You feel you're not being fully appreciated.

Tell me more about that. Did I say that? I'm sure I didn't say that. Yes, you said your colleagues consider you an annoyance rather than an asset. Right. I was being unfair. I mean, if Amelia hadn't come to my silly island, if she hadn't given me this opportunity, I'd still be with those seagulls.

And you don't have to justify yourself. I mean, I don't want to talk about. No, no, you can be frank with me. Thank you. I'm just not really used to... I understand. But this is between you and me. Hmm.

Well... This is difficult. Oh. I see. Excuse me? I see. See you what? I get it.

I don't. Sorry, I can't hear you. Why are you mouthing at me? I don't understand. Do you have a pen? Yeah, sure, here. Thank you. Use this.

Thank you. No, you've got the wrong end of the stick. This office isn't bug. Oh, fuck. Well, I mean it is, of course, but... So, your office is bugged? Well, not just this office. It's not just me.

Everything gets recorded in every room, but that's... That's why I wanted to communicate via writing. No, that's not necessary. And anyway, there are cameras too, but... There are cameras. Well, it's not what it seems like. This is not a healthy working environment. Well, it's a particular working environment.

working environment. But all workplaces have their own company culture, right? Sure. Some companies give employees time to work on side projects, some have transparent salary bans and democratic decision-making. Some use stack ranking systems or significant performance-based bonuses. Some allow employees to nominate non-profits for company support. And some have learning days. Yes, I've encountered many company cultures, but withholding names and spying on employees, does not equate with company culture, not in my book. What, some of that sounds really good. Excuse me?

Democratic decision-making. Instead of him getting to choose clients willy-nilly. And nominating non-profits for company support, I have a thing for dogs, you see, and the dog trust could really use some help right now. Oh, and can you tell me more about transparent salary bans? That sounds interesting. I think there's room for some positive changes here.

And performance-based bonuses would be really nice. I mean, my salary is fine, but given that I don't really get any days off. You don't get days off? Not really. None? I mean, oh, Amelia did give everyone the afternoon off after the boiler exploded. I told her not to let Salvatore tinkle. with it. But even that afternoon was mostly spent trying to come up with a convincing insurance claim, you know.

That's illegal. Insurance fraud. That too, but no. Oh, the time off. Yes. Employers are required by law. Yes, but we operate outside the law. Hmm. Well, I've said it. Hmm. I already suspect it. Is that a problem? I... I don't care what kind of company this is. I don't.

It's too late for that anyway. I signed your NDA. And I realise the threats your strongmen posited were not in jest. So... Well, I've been... paid to do a job I'll see it through but not giving employees any time off that's just not on I mean to be perfectly honest I wouldn't really know what to do with it anyway oh you don't have any hobbies hmm oh does paperwork count no what about friends well Amelia doesn't really approve of socialising outside

the company so excuse Well, so we don't accidentally spill company secrets. God, this isn't a company. This is a cult. Some of our clients belong to cult. Of course they do. I'm aware this must all seem rather peculiar from the outside. It does.

But how does it feel from the inside? Hmm. How does it feel from the inside? from the inside. Hmm. I mean, are you happy? Well, I'm not unhappy. So that's a no.

Well, I'm a lot happier than I was with the Seagulls, that's for sure. But not happy. Happy? Yes. It's a simple question. Is it? I mean, what even is happiness really? You want me to defy it?

to define happiness? Yes, I suppose I do. Well, I mean, we know it when we feel it. My colleague says we settle on a level of despair we can tolerate and call that happiness. Oh, that's grim. It's a line from a philosopher he pretends to like Kirkagard. Right. But we're not talking philosophy, we're talking HR.

I'm talking about happiness in the context of your job. Right. Can I ask a few questions? Certainly. Okay, we'll make it a quick fire round. You ready? Okay, ready. Would you say you feel positive, engaged and fulfilled at work, or stressed, anxious and burned out?

Do you feel comfortable sharing concerns or ideas with your team? Yes, except when Amelia is in one of her overly caffeinated high drama, low blood sugar states. Do you enjoy the work and feel it's meaningful? Yes. Are you able to disconnect from work outside of working hours? Nope. Do you feel the company respects your time and boundaries? No.

Is there anything about working here that frustrates you? Don't even get me stuck. On a scale of one to ten, how likely are you to recommend this company to a friend looking for work? Well, as I said, I don't really have any friends outside the company, so... Yes, but if you did. This work isn't for everyone. If you could change just one thing here, what would it be? Stop Kozlovsky from storing human remains in the communal fridge?

It's unhygienic. Oh... Right. So, how did I do? You want my assessment? Yes, please. You're highly engaged but perpetually exhausted, comfortable sharing feedback except during your boss's bad moods,

deeply committed to the work to the point of being unable to stop doing it, and you are simultaneously fulfilled and on the brink of collapse. You also have no social circle outside the company, no work-life boundary, an unquantifiable level of professional despair. So broadly speaking, I'd classify you. your engagement level as robust. Your well-being as precarious and your loyalty as borderline concerning. Oh, what was that? Oh, I know, God. He opened it. What? The cupboard. The avalanche cupboard. He always ignores my signs.

Oh, Lord. Help me. Someone dig me. me out that's your colleague yeah yeah maybe that's time I talk to him pass me a rope anything but before I go I'd like to give you something to think about why do I open these okay you're working 14 hours 20 days 20 seven days a week eight haven't really figured out what you do, it seems you're constantly surrounded by death. Help! You work out of a utility cupboard and your only hobby is paperwork. Despite all this, you're not unhappy. You seem to be simultaneously thriving and deteriorating. Perhaps consider pacing the deterioration? Engagement is commendable.

Burnout less so. Try to find a sustainable midpoint. Somewhere between a devoted employee and cautionary tale. Right. Do you want me to respond or... No, no, just food for thought. Right. Somebody please help me, I'm buried.

It's all fallen on to... Oh, oh, ouch, ouch, oh good Lord. Oh, so many things. So many things. I think he needs help. Ah! Yes. Is he always like this?

Oh yes. Okay. Anything I should know before I talk to him? Oh, yes. Mm-hmm. Well. Mm-hmm. He's...

Uh, but... Hmm? Well... Hmm. How should I put this? He's... He's a bit... I mean, just a tad...

Uh-huh. His heart's in the right place, but... You know, in this company, I expect nothing less. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Julia C. Thorne as... Alvina, Jen Austin as the HR agent and Alan Bergen as the interviewer. It was written and directed by Philip Thorne with direction and dialogue editing by Einstein Ulspur Braga. Sound design was by Paul Kranar Music by Frederick Baden Graphic Design by Andash Pedersen and production assistants

by Marty Patsy Vaz. This episode was recorded partially at Love Tracks Studio in Fenchau and engineered by Stefan Haile. The executive producer was Emelda Bates, who will mysteriously vanish from a Caribbean cruise ship and later disembark from a submarine in Bognor Regis, with a completely new face. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. They really are wonderful people, and you can find them at hragent.com. Speaking of wonderful people, where would we be without our Patreon supporters? Thank you to all of you who choose to support our work. It's thanks to you, we can create new stories. If you're not yet a Patreon supporter, consider joining our community. You get early ad-free access to all new episodes. You'll be able to

watch a live stream of our new London show in August, watch replays of previous shows and more. You can become a monthly supporter, but right now we're also offering a whopping 50% of annual memberships. And now it's time to take a deep breath and give a shout out to our magnanimous supporters in the super Patreon tiers. At the time of recording, that is Celestios, Heat 312, Alban, Aspen, San Amlin, Alison, Alison, Thro, Patrishabon, Alison, Pratry, Scott, McCliff, Heisinger, Michael West, Tim McMan, Tibby, Florian Byers, Kurt Ney, Renson, Astra, Kim, Olivia, Dotson, William, David Smith, L.G., Ryan Burnett, Tim McEas, Mystic, Sybil, Tiffany, Duffy, Jason Wood, Rhino, Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell,

Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickett Pickering, Danielle Ineson, Almost. Kelsey Page, Silas X, Isabella, Ozzino, G, the Blue Sky, Cannell, Cripped, Ethan, Ethan, Incard, Artia Maccada, Max Yannerman, DJ Goodall, Captain Cashin, Natalia, Aurora, Sunny, D, Anomily, Murlock, 20, Postmaster, General Kwan, sent me, Shereil Daowler, Iberina, Kornivski, Eli, Kaffirn, Kaferin, Joiner, Selwyn Justice, Jay Chuie, Andrew Lake, and Ragnar, Jensen, I need a glass of Verve-Clure to recover, see you all next time. Hello, Maria.

Kennedy from HeroTrackers here to tell you about a special report we've been working on at Hero Track Media. With the help of my producer, Shana, we're going to reveal the life story of a mysterious hero that, as far as we can tell, has never been covered by a media outlet before. Subscribe to this podcast feed to learn more about this hero and the strange circumstances surrounding their life and career and how they might be connected to your favorite hero. Coming soon from Hero Track Media, Vigil. Vigil, Season 1, an audio fiction superhero thriller in 10 parts from All In Productions,

featuring Haley San Filippo as Maria Kennedy and Adam Kudashot as Vigil. Subscribe or follow to make sure you're the first to know about Vigil. Edgar said to the interviewer, he was convinced that the thing out there wasn't a vault at all. Yeah, I know what he thought. Dr. Eggers didn't think it was designed to keep things out. I know what he thought. He thought it was designed to keep something in. Do you even understand the difficulty trying to keep a base like Fathom at the bottom of the ocean from killing everyone in it on a daily basis?

Oh my God. Everyone hold on to something. I think whatever is on the other side of that door out there, it's not friendly. I think it's trying to get out. That, my friend, is a dire combination. That's a bad sign. Get out of the door! It's spreading like some kind of technological contagion. We can either stop it here or watch the world burn.

Fathom, the first season of Darylict. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. Or learn more at Darylictpodcast.com.