The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 5 - Avalanche Cupboard

Episode Date: August 13, 2026

The HR agent and The Interviewer meet! If the Interviewer manages to get out from under that avalanche of bric-a-brac that is... Websites: https://ameliapodcast.com https://www.implodingfictions.com Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. This episode is dedicated to Christopher Hudson, who died in an incident involving Captain Crunch, melted chocolate and a borrowed leaf blower. He has since returned, but Kozlovsky altered his appearance so extensively that even we cannot identify him. Christopher, if you're out there, we found your other sock. Amelia's appraisals created by Philip Thorne and Einstein-Alspurga with music by Frederick Barden and sound design by Paul Kranah brought to you by H.R. Agent. Episode 5. Avalanche cupboard. Help.

Esk you mission. Thank the Coco gods. Do you have a Saint Bernard and a cake of whiskey? I'm afraid I don't. Just a smitherto to help a poor fellow get his strength. back? Unfortunately. Are you going to help me out? You opened the...

Avalanche cupboard, yes, I noticed. And now you're caught underneath... An avalanche, yes. First time I was caught under an avalanche was in the Adirondacks, in Montana. An ice slide sent me right down the mountainside where I got trapped for four days under a mudslide, which was subsequently covered by rockfall. I was an avalanche pass by Avalanche Lake right beneath Avalanche Mountain during Avalanche Seasons. So, you know, ouch!

I should have seen it coming, really. Could you please help me out? It is getting hard to breathe. I'd rather not. Sorry? I'm very happy with you being exactly where you are. But you're the appeasal person, aren't you? Appraisal.

HR consultant, yes. Aren't you people all about health and safety and so on? I think this counts as special circumstances. No, no, no, these are not special. This is the third time I've opened this cupboard this week. How do I know I'm safe? You're not being crushed under a pile of heavy utensils. Out, what is that?

It's a spatula. So far, today. I've been denied information, lied to, threatened, and shoved through a door twice. I have a very good team. But I've gathered this much. You people, despite all your peculiarities and antics, are very, very dangerous. What? No, no, no, no, no.

And although no one has told me in clear words what it is that you do, from the various clues I've picked up along the way, I've figured it out. And? And I think it's better for me if you stay beneath that avalanche of mopheads and... What is that? Jackalantons. Oh, no, um, painted bowling balls. In very inappropriate places. Um, we didn't have anywhere else to put them, you see.

I reckon you are the most... dangerous person of all. Yeah, you're the brains behind the operation, the one who plans everything, the one without a name, the one who decides which clients to take on. Isn't that right? Well, I mean, if you put it that way, the brains. Ouch, it really is getting hard to breathe. That'd be the bowling balls. You are the head assassin. What? The head, assassin. The main hitman, hit person.

Number one killer. The murder manager. I don't know what you call it, but even if you're not the one pulling the trigger, you're the one who decides who's in the crosshairs. Right, so you think that we are... Well, you're guns for hire. You take people out.

You know, political assassinations, business rivals, all that sort of thing. You're murderers. You think we're assassins? Ouch, out, out my ribs. Oh, shit, oh shit, it's collapsed even more. Ah, ha, ha. But it's still very funny.

I really can't breathe now. Wait, this is funny to you? Yes, well, not the crushing part, but listen, listen. We don't kill anyone, only in self-defense. But that's very rare. Or by accident, which is somewhat rare. No, we are... Oh my.

We fake deaths. You... You what? Fake deaths. We are a death-faking agency. Death-fitting. You're kidding? No, not kidding, no.

But all this talk about remains and... Corpses? Oh, yes, we use a lot of replacements. Ah, replacements? Yes, replacements. Oh, but the gadgets with guns in them, that's Salvatore. He builds guns into everything. Yes, force of habit.

Yes, he's ex-Cosa Nostra. Most of the time we load them with jelly beans. Are you serious? Always. Never. What's the right answer? So, what you're saying is, I'm not in danger of annoying you and ending up in a ditch.

Worst case scenario, you end up on Lesvos with a new name, a new girlfriend and a smashing haircut. I'm straight. Really? Well, after we're done with you, you might not be. Please, it really truly is getting rather painful down here. Could you get Kosovsky for me? I think I need a doctor or a priest. Life is ebbing out. I'll do you one better.

At HR agent, HR isn't just about human relations. Sometimes it's human rescue. You get me out? Wait, wait, what are you doing? Help! No, don't abandon me. Help, what is that? Do you know, Dr. Lee?

Is that, Torrey? Jimmy, wake up. Huh? I'm awake. Oh, not again. I'm awake. Yes, what is it? Is it tomorrow?

No, Joy. It's still yesterday. Oh, I was looking forward to tomorrow. I never been to King Com. It's Hong Kong. But we'll see King Com, right? I need your help. Your colleague is trapped.

Help! Don't abandon me? Oh, do they open the amelage cover again? Don't leave me here! Idiot. That's the fourth time this week. I said that's not where I hit the Quizlers. But he doesn't believe me.

I told him he needs to start reading the signs. I just wanted a tasty snack. There he is. Joey? Salvatore? How do we do this? Are you coming to my rescue? Gotta move the top stuff first. Gotcha.

Oh, thank you so much. Good Lord. That was killing me slowly. Oh, I can move my arm. I mean, I can't feel it, but I can move it. Look. Oh, wonderful. Wonderful. Freedom. Freedom. Oh, that was a bear trap that my foot got caught in.

I brought a keg of whiskey. It's filled with you of Clico. Oh, you're the best Saint Bernard I know, Joey. Just the best. Oh. Thank you for getting Joey and Salvatore for me. Of course. And for making me a cup of cocoa. Not at all. It's not Les Dumago, but I appreciate the gesture. And the marshmallows.

Though you really didn't have to ask Alvina to fill out that incident report. Well, it had to be done. It really didn't. When there's a workplace accident? No, you don't understand. You see, she's never done incident reports before. Oh, but now that she's done one, I mean, she's got a whole new form to fill in, doesn't she? Yes, she'll fill it in for every little incident.

And in a matter of days, we'll have to dig out a whole new basement to fit in all the new filing cabinets from... my slit fingers and little mistakes. Ah, no, it's too much. She did seem very excited. Yes, she did, didn't she? She was extremely excited, and she was already quite annoying, and I assure you, this is not an improvement.

So, death faking. What? Oh, um, ah, aha. Just, but before we begin. Yes. This appeasel is sort of an interview, isn't it? Appraisal. And of sorts, yes. Right, well, you see, I'm used to being the one conducting the interviews.

Well, today it's me. But could we... would you humor me? Could we do it two ways? Ask every second question. I think that would put me more at ease. So you'll be interviewing me whilst I'm interviewing you? You've got it, yes. It'll be fun.

Novel. A different day at work, right? Well, this day is already quite novel. Yes. But could we please for me? I was caught in an avalanche. Oh, fine. As long as you promise me I won't end up on Beather or wherever.

Lesbos. Look, I don't need a new partner or a new name or a new haircut. Well, I agree with two out of three. Um, what's wrong with my haircut? Two-way interview? And I won't fake your death? Hmm? Pinky promise? Uh, fine. But I'll start. Deal.

Hmm. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. Oh, you've got, um, very long pinkies. I do. I do have very long pinkies. So, death faking? Mm-hmm. What's the question? How is it that...

I mean, you've got several employees. Do you get enough work? Do we get enough work? Yes. How many people want to fake their death? I mean, your very existence, it boggles the mind. Well, consider yourself boggled. Yes, fake deaths are a lot more common than you think.

A huge number of people want... need new lives. Hmm. I mean, I guess there are people out there who want to escape a violent partner or dodge a prison sentence? Cash in on insurance fraud. You're starting to get the picture.

If you really think about it, you'll realize there are hundreds, thousands of reasons someone might want to close shop and start over. Wow. In fact, around 1% of funerals worldwide are actually fake. Uh, um, come again? 1% of funerals. I'm not joking.

No, no, that can't be. As true as me sitting right here before you. Come on, 1%. Well, I mean, it's a global average. Of course, some societies have a higher figure, some lower. Honor-based societies score very high, whereas war zones and indigenous tribes are at the bottom of the chart. Hmm.

I mean, I guess countries where people are generally happy must have a lower frequency, like Scandinavia. No, no, no. Oh, the Nordic countries score a lot higher than you'd think. Yes. Apparently there's only so much hooky one person can take. Look, I still can't believe that figure. One percent.

Well, all right. Tell me this. How many ambidextrous people do you think there are? Sorry? Ambidextrous. I don't know. How many? 1%.

How many people can sneeze with their eyes open? Oh, come on. No one, surely. 1%. How many people do you think can wiggle their ears? Oh, not many. I can, though. I noticed.

I do it when I get surprised. So you're about to do. tell me that it's... One percent can do it. Yes. Yeah. I sadly cannot do it. I really want to. I feel like I'm the kind of person

who should be able to wiggle my ears. Hmm. You know, it fits my personality. But I can't. You know, I've tried so hard. I even had Kozlovsky tried to give me wiggly ears. Three operations later, I still couldn't. Even with the pulley system.

How many funerals have you been to? What, in my whole life? I don't know. Seven? Maybe eight? So chances are you've not attended a fake one yet. However, if on average you attend one funeral a year, considering the number of funerals one has to go to tends to increase after the age of 30... Yeah, true.

By the end of your life, you might have attended upwards of 50 funerals. At which point, the chance you've attended a fake funeral... Is 50%? You've just blown my mind again. It's a thriving industry. I'm amazed. No, 1% isn't that much when you think about it, but it's enough. Do you like faking deaths?

No, ah, ah, ah. It's my turn. Okay. So, human resources. Yes. Why? Why? Yes.

Why? Why? Why? Um, well... All right, I get it, the question is too broad. Okay, um, appeasals. You mean appraisals. Why?

Dear Lord of Coco and Cookies. Why? Well, to start with, it can be incredibly useful for a company to measure progress. Right. For example, with long-term clients, I tend to implement quarterly inclusion surveys that track belonging scores across demographics. We set targets for improvement and hold leadership accountable for results. Some companies publicly report their diversity data and inclusion metrics, which creates transparency and accountability.

No, no, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. What? Please stop talking gobbledygook. Look, I'm not talking. HR speak, it's more impenetrable than Sanskrit or Acadian or Danish. I mean, even the Danish don't understand Danish, but HR speak? Oh, God.

Oh, okay. In three words. Just three. Why appeasals? It's a... It doesn't matter. Three words. Okay.

Trust. Truth. And, uh, tether. Tether? I... I... I wanted to find another word beginning with tea. What? Why tether?

I mean, what are you tethering? What's tethered to what? Well, the employee to the company. The company to the employee. The management to the executive functions. The work practices to the company ethos. The payroll to your bank account for that matter. Huh.

And tying all of these things together like a Gordian knot makes you happy? Ah, it's my turn. Ah, touche. Yes, all right. Your pre-appraisal form. Oh, God. Way to strip the fun out of the gate. There it is.

It seems to have been crumpled up, dipped in cocoa. They do my go. And then sprinkled with chocolate chips. Yes, you're welcome. It's more appealing now. I uncrumpled it earlier. And did you try a chocolate chip?

I absolutely didn't. But it turns out that you had filled in some of it. Yes, well, Alvina said I could pretend it was a quiz. You see, quizzes can be fun. I like quizzes. Yeah. But I very soon realized that contrary to a real quiz, giving all the right answers, wouldn't land me a prize,

but rather it would... Land you in prison? If ending up in the wrong hands, there's a good possibility, yes. So perhaps we could unpack a few details now instead. Some of the answers were, well, let's say, unclear. Yes, but not incriminating, right? Not incriminating. They made absolutely no sense.

Yes, well, all right, we can unpack one detail, but then it's my turn again. So choose your question wisely. Okay. Ah, here. When asked, do you have any needs that are not met by your workplace? You wrote, I miss Buttercup. What precisely does that mean? What does it mean?

What do you think it means? I mean, have you seen the length of that hallway? It's monstrous. I mean, to get from my office to the break room, I have to walk a mile. But if I had a new buttercup, that journey would be done. What's a buttercup? No, no, no, no. A buttercup isn't a what.

She's a who. Buttercup was a mare. Oh, God. A horse? Yes, of course a horse. I mean, is that so strange? In my younger days, I used to have a horse. And she was the trustiest steed you'd ever meet.

stubborn of course very grumpy contrary to a fault but steadfast and surprisingly creative you want let me get this straight you want a horse

to ride from your office to the break room you see you get it why doesn't amelia I mean is that too much to ask really I'll make a note. You will? Really?

Wonderful, yes. Maybe you can put in a good word with Amelia for me. Do you need a pen? It's your term. Oh, oh, yes, it is. Uh-huh, yes, all right. Hmm. What is the strangest thing you have experienced as an HR consultant?

Well... Before today. Before today. Oh. Um... Well, I once had to bail a CEO out of jail. Oh, white-collar crime. Well, what colour is the collar when a man is holding two escorts hostage

in his hotel room with an unregistered luga because they refused to eat caviar off his body? Free caviar? Why did they refuse? Dietary restrictions. Ah. What a pity. Well, I think that's still considered white collar crime. I had one person put Satan down as her reference on a job application.

Oh, lovely. Did you call Satan? I did not. Really? Well, you should have. He's a very good sport. He'd definitely tell you the truth, yes. I once chased an employee's mother down the street. She was running butt-naked, throwing classified documents into the air. I've turned a person into the police for stealing all the copper wire in a building. He pulled it right out of the walls, one room at a time, transported it out the main entrance in his lunchbox.

There must have been a big lunchbox. Oh, and early in my career, I had to become a certified phlebotomist. Oh, um, huh. I didn't know botanists had to be certified. No, no, no, no. Um, phlebotomist. Oh. Um, working with flowers?

No, I got certified to draw blood. From flowers? Oh, oh, oh, no, no, no. Now I get it. Yes. Um, why? I hated it. Oh my gosh, I hated it.

I'm kind of squeamish around blood, and I was young and ambitious. And why did you have to draw blood? Oh, HR services for a police unit. We had to draw baseline blood to prove the officers didn't have blood-borne viruses before entering into a situation where they could get exposed to disease. Oh, for insurance purposes? Well, yes. Oh, I thought it was going to be exposed. exciting. You bringing up blood and then it's just about insurance. Can we go back to the naked mother with a classified documents?

Well, you see, I had to make sure that that incident didn't hit the news. It would have been very bad press. Oh, you're a fixer. Well, I'm... A clean-up person. Sometimes, I guess. Most of the time I do... audits. Oh, but come on. Admit it. You've been around the block. Hmm? Once or twice. No.

But never, never, anything like this. Oh, come now, you flatter me. Oh, but then you don't even get a story out of this to tell your next client. I don't. Sign that NDA, didn't I? Yes, you did. Do you have another question? It's your turn. Is there anything you want to share?

I don't think so. Well, this is your time. Your opportunity. I'm here to hear your concerns, to help the company figure out how to make you thrive. Hmm. You know, I think we're good. I feel very much at peace.

Well done. You're very good at this. At peace? Yes, the appeasel worked. Congratulations. I feel brand new. You mean... you mean appraisal. Praise? Oh, I thought it was appeasel. No, no, appraisal.

Well, that's even better. I mean, I love praise. Please, give me some. Even when you disclose facts, you reinforce them. mystery. Oh, you know, that is the nicest thing

anyone has said to me for ages. Thank you. Oh, do you have a final question for me? Are you sure you're happy with that haircut?

The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Jen Austin, as the HR agent, Stan Morris as Joey and Fernando

Tibber as Salvatore. It was written and directed by Einstein Ulstburg Braga with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne and dialogue editing by Omer Monsano. Sound design was by Polkana, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Andesch Pedersen and production assistants by Martin Pertzival. The executive producer was Imelda Bates, who will die opening the avalanche cupboard and come back as a whale wrangler off the coast of Nova Scotia. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. To find out more about their work, go to hragent.com.

It would also not have been possible without our supporters on Patreon. If you've been listening for a while, you know that Patreon allows listeners to pledge a small amount per month and in return you get our episodes early and without ads, as well as access to a big back catalogue of bonus series and video. videos and access to our live streams. Now, our always time for a story tier has been priced at $5 ever since we started the show. After nine years, we're finally adjusting for inflation and raising the price of this tier.

Although, if you're already a patron, you will see absolutely no change and you will remain at the amount you signed up for in perpetuity. Same goes for anyone who signs up between now and September, 26, which is a new one. is when the changes will take effect. So if you want access to all the bonus content we've published over the course of nine years, get the next episode a week early, and support our work. This is the last chance to sign up at the legacy rate of $5.00. Simply go to patreon.com slash amelia podcast or visit our website at ameliapodcast.com for more info. And now, as always, a shout-out to our extravagantly generous super patrons who keep the fictions flowing at the time

of recording that's Celeste Joe's Heat 312 Auburn, Sant Amalie and Alison Stephanie Weidniela, Rafael Eduardo Vivas Verastaki Allison Thro, Patricia Bornvarkner, Bryce Godmour Cliff Heisinger, Michael West Tim McMack and Tibby, Curtney Mays, Renson, Astra Kim, Olivia Dodson, Philip Hanson, Michael David Smith, LGie, Ryan Burnett, Tim. Tias, Miss Nixie, Mystic, Sybil, Tiffany, Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O'Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniela Nissen, Kelsey Page, Silas X, Isabella Arzino, Blue, G, the, the, gosh, G, the Blue Sky, Canal Cryptid, Ethan Cobb, Helden, Inkhart, Artia Macada, Max Yarramin, DJ Goodall, Captain Cashay, Natale, Aurora, Sunny D,

Anomily Postmaster General Kwan sent me Shereel Downer Iber, Nina Kotzernifsky, Eli, Catherine Joyner, Silwyn Justice, Jay Chui, Andrew Lake and Ragnar Jensen. See you soon for the next episode. In the year 1889, there was nowhere in the world more exciting than London, England. Free cheers for Inspector Estrade and the bad boys of Baker Street themselves.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. John Watson. Soled by Sherlock bloody Holmes of 2-21 B Baker Street. Well, with any luck, we'll get a new brutal murder any day now. God, I wish. It's truly shocking you haven't solved anything in five years. The boys are both out of town for some case about a dog in Dartmoor this weekend. Sincerely, Martha Hudson. London's number two detective team,

just became number one Fox and Stallion. Find us on Twitter, Instagram, and Tumblr at 224Baker or on our website 224Baker.com. It's like they say, big breaks are 90% luck. What's the other 10%?

Luck. Hey there, we're DM to GM. I'm your DM from Dungeons and Dragons, Russ Moore. And I'm your GM from the end of time and other bothers Sean Howard. What we like to do around here answer the questions that you have about tabletop RPGs and get you started feeling comfortable playing games around your table. We want to share our real experiences, what we've learned,

what's been helpful, so that other people can get going and because a lot of these hurdles are just in their head. So find us every other week wherever you listen to podcasts or visit DM2GM.com. DM to GM. Get your game started.