The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 6 - Black Pudding

Episode Date: August 27, 2026

The next appraisal is conducted over a hearty breakfast, in Kozlowski's favourite greasy spoon. What will the HR agent make of The Amelia Project's maverick surgeon? Amelia's Appraisals is sponsored by HR Agent. Find out more about them at hragent.com Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  https://www.implodingfictions.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This new episode is dedicated to Kendrick Jackson, who died during an ambitious but ultimately unsuccessful attempt to train random squirrels. Onlookers say he never saw the bus coming. He later resurfaced as a professional goat herder in the mountains of Kyrgyzstan. Before we begin, just a quick reminder that if you want to sign up at the $5 Patreon tier to get early ad-free access to new episodes and nine years' worth of bonus content, you still have one week to do so. After that, we will be raising the price of that tier. But if you're already a patron or become a patron

before the change takes effect on the 6th of September, you will remain on the legacy tier in perpetuity. Thank you to all our patrons who make this show possible. And now on with the episode. Amelia's appraisals, created by Pippen Einstein with music by Frederick Barden and sound design by Paul Kranah brought to you by HR agent. Episode 6, Black Pudding. Thank you for agreeing to meet outside your lab.

I don't know if that type of space would have been conducive to this kind of conversation. Actually, to be honest, I don't know if I would have been comfortable. I'm a bit squeamish. I noticed. You did? When I dunked my black pudding in the coffee, your buttocks left the seat in what could only be described as a bouncy display of abject disgust. Oh, oh, that. It wasn't discussed as much as, well, I think it could be described as a culinary shock.

I've never seen anyone dunk their black pudding before. Oh, not even in red wine? No, not in anything. You should try. It is the most peculiar taste, very refreshing on the taste buds. Not refreshing like a lemon or ice-cold water, of course. Rather refreshing like a Jan Schwankmeier animation. Um, I don't know what that means.

Ah, he uses intestines and slabs of meat To create the most extraordinary Please, please stop, no, please stop, please. As you wish. My point was, thank you for agreeing to meet me here. You would not have been allowed into my lab anyway. Oh, no? No, no one is allowed in there

Unless they are scheduled for surgery, of course. Of course. What kind of surgery do you perform? I have undertaken most kinds of surgery, but mainly I change people's appearances. Oh, plastic surgery. I do not like plastics. I prefer biological material. Either way, I'm glad I'm not.

on your schedule. I'm sure you're exceptionally good at what you do, but I don't want anyone to cut me open. Good choice. Why change perfection, hey? Oh, well, you're too kind. No, it is a professional observation. You have the perfect face for what you do.

I do? Absolutely. How come? The bridge of your nose. What about it? You look like you wish me no harm. The bridge of my nose tells you that I wish you no harm. Yes. That's ridiculous. Oh, you do wish me harm then?

Oh, I certainly don't. But what has that got to do with my face? My facial expressions, sure, but not what I look like? Nah, that is where you are mistaken. The width of your nasal dorsum is the key aspect that determines how kind you look. It is? Of course. Have you not notice how a wide nose bridge with close-set eyes makes a person seem keen and curious? Like the eyes seek a common focal point.

I have not. But a wide bridge and wide-set eyes seek outwards and give the impression. of someone unfocused and dreamy. A narrow bridge with close set eyes, seen piercing and pinpointed, but gives a rather harsh impression, whilst a narrow bridge with wide set eyes give the impression of someone who wants to own everything,

unless of course that is offset by a rounded jaw. So it's the eyes? It is the face in its totality that matters, of course. of course, but the importance of the nose bridge is often overlooked. People are concerned with the size of their nose, whilst in fact the bridge is the key factor. Oh. Um, uh, why, why is it called the bridge? Well, it is the bridge, is it not?

Um, between... The eyes? Oh, of course. The forehead and the face? Sure. Between the thought and its expression. Between the emotion and its mask. Uh...

And my bridge is wide? Narrow. I've never really thought about it. Your bridge is very... Medium. Medium? Medium. Well, that's...

Disappointing? Well, I don't know. Should I be disappointed? Certainly. not. If I had created your face and my goal was suitability for your current profession, I would have made exactly the same choice. It is exquisite craftsmanship. Oh, I haven't had plastic, um, uh, uh, facial surgery. I know. Um, so you're, you're what, um, complimenting God? God. Nature, your parents.

The coincidence that made their DNA blend just so, however you want to think about. Um, uh, Dr. Kozowski, do you mind answering some questions? Not at all. Uh, you were one of the founders of this company. I was. In fact, I pride myself in having invented this very industry. Uh, which we should not name in a public place. Correct. And now you're an employee?

I suppose you can look at it that way. How do you feel about that? Not being in charge anymore. Not being in charge. Listen, a lady with the nose, when I take a modest housewife from Shropshire and transform her into a femme fatale with a movie career and an international spy mission

simply by removing a set-off ill-placed dimples. When I take a hard-boiled veterinary murderer with multiple stints in prison and reinvent him as a retired rumba dancer with a penchantful limericks through altering nothing but the hairline at the back of his neck. When I take an emotionally and facially scarred

Commoda Dragon Rangler who has lost her job to a younger, more virile wildlife maniac, and give her the comforting appearance of a self-assured children's party entertainer by simply changing the colour of her eyes. Am I not in charge? Sorry, I just need to write something down. Delusions or... How do you spell grandeur?

With a capital G. Sorry, I just had a thought. Nothing to do with you. Now, what I wanted to get at was, do you feel overlooked? No, I do not feel overlooked. Okay, your skills are used to their full potential and you get to do something you care about? Well put. Excellent. What is your overall view of how,

well the company is doing. My overall view about how well the company is doing is that we are the best in the business. Uh, okay, are you not the only ones in the business?

Unfortunately not. You have competitors. All over the planet. It is a thriving industry. Oh. Yes. Amelia mentioned the union. and your interviewer colleague said that 1% of deaths are fake.

I mean, consider that. Who would have thought it? And you don't fear the competition? Why should I? Well, I don't know. I don't know your line of work. I've only been terrified, I mean, introduced to this concept this very week. But in most companies that I visit,

across most industries, employees fear the inevitable changes that are brought on by our modern day and age. Digitisation, machines doing what humans used to do. Many employees fear for their jobs. No machine can do what I do. Huh. But if you look at the company as a whole, you know, faking passports, raising and online presence, backdating online articles, editing photographs. A lot of what you do. Lorraine programs for us. Sorry?

Lorraine programs for us. She's incredible with a computer, a modern day magician. Um, who, who is Lorraine? Is this another employee? She's not, she's not on my list. She's an external resource. Oh, a freelancer? A family member.

Well, if she's key to the operation, it might be good. She is just a student. What? An intern. An intern. How do you intern with an illegal company? Oh, it does not matter. The only reason I brought her up was to point out that we already use computers in our work.

But the computers cannot complete the fundamental mission of the company. Which is to change a person in. to a new person? To collect stories? Uh... Stories? Let me ask you. Why do you do what you do?

Not on a banal level, I need to do my job to earn a living, no. On a fundamental level, a personal, philosophical level. Why did you turn to HR? And once you have answered that, please, will you also reflect on your own question? Could a computer not... Could a computer not do what you do? And if not, why not? Hmm.

All right. I will accept the challenge. I work in HR because... No, I work in a company that offers external HR services because I believe that by coming from the outside of a company, we can see the individual... May I stop you right there? You are giving me the company ethos.

But why are you? You where you are doing what you do. Uh, because... Well, because... Do you like your job? I... I do. Why?

Well, because I like to hear... Stories. Huh. Whenever I go into a new company, I get to hear new stories. And if a machine did my job, I wouldn't get to hear those stories. It seems like we have something in common. Huh, stories. And that we get to...

Decide the ending? Lord, I never saw it that way before. But of course, that's it. Perhaps you and I are fundamentally in the same business. If I had been better at negotiating with senior management, Perhaps I would have started the world's first HR agency instead of the world's first death-faking agency. And if I was not so good at smooth talking and not so squeamish, perhaps I would have... I doubt it.

Hmm, so do I. Now, if you had a wonky nosebridge, maybe. Hmm, maybe. be. How interesting that even though your business is, well, illegal, we still seem to share some fundamental views. How fascinating indeed. I can see how you put the individual first, how you care about integrity. That is a great starting point for this conversation. Since you and I see eye-to-eye on these core aspects, I think we can also discuss openly the benefits and challenges of your workplace.

Exactly. Very well put. Individual integrity. Yes. Respect for each human being. Respect. Yes. These aspects are very present in my work.

Oh, how so? Tell me more. For example, whenever I am about to start working on a corpse, I always ask it first. Dear dead friend, is it all right if I cut you up? May I remove your spleen or your knee cat?

Do you mind being spliced together with some lovely parts from that other corpse over there? May I store you in humid conditions for four months to foster an exceptionally exquisite rotting process? In fact, I try to ask everybody part the same question. I have a holistic view, you see. Pars, protototau. Toto. Each cell in the body is a living organism. Therefore, I ask each eyeball, each colon, each

nostril. May I use you for my artistic creation? Yes, of course. When I mix together blood and viscera and mucos for one of my classic murder scene displays, I always ask the bodily fluids.

Do you mind if I turn you in the cement mixer? Or if I spray you across this Olympic-sized swimming pool with an industrial power hose and they say yes, Kuzlovsky. Spray us. Spray us all over the room.

Uh, more coffee? Oh, yes, please. No, thank you. But then you could dunk some black pudding. It is better when the coffee is fresh, of course. Mmm. Are you talking about being a butcher again? Ah, ha ha. You know me, Nina, I love my job.

Uh-huh. You mustn't bother this nice lady with it. You can be too enthusiastic, you know. But you do not mind. What, me? No, I don't know. My dad was a butcher, so hearing you talk only makes me homesick. Hom sick. Ah. Makes me remember the smell. I'm sorry. Uh-oh. Bathroom. Where's the bathroom?

It's over there. We can continue when you are done. You must n'n't bother people with your passion. My mum always said that. She was a dominatrix, but I didn't know that until I moved away from home. I should not bother people with my passion. Your dominatrix mother was right. So, more pudding?

Oh, yes, please. Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Hemi Yiroham as Kozlovsky, Jen Austin as the HR agent, and Hannah Hebelthwaite as the waitress. It was written, directed and edited by Einstein Ulspur, Braga, with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Polkana,

music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Andersen, and production assistance by Bertie Patsival. The executive producer was Imelda Bates, who will choke to death on black pudding, dipped in red wine. She will start a new life as a certified sommelier in the som. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible

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And if you want to become a patron before then, you can still join at the legacy pricing. Go to patreon.com slash amelia podcast or visit our website at ameliapodcast.com for more info. And as always, it's time for a linguistic challenge in which I try to take on the names of each and every one of our astonishingly generous super patrons at the time of recording. That's Celeste St. Helenei, Alessette, Amelina, Jules, Jules, Heistach, Alessette, Amelian, Aisperas, Aishe, Raffel, Ewaivvas Farras Thichie, Alison, Alison, Patricia Bourne, Wagner, Bryn, Bajig, Maca, Clishe, Elling, and Michael West, Tim Macon, Tibby, Courtney Mays, Renson, Astrakeem, Alist, Olivia Dodson, Philip, Hanson, Michael David Smith, L.G, Ryan, Bernard, Timoteas, Missy, Mystic, Sybil, Tiffany, Mystic, Syall, Jason,

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