The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 7 - Killer Clowns

Episode Date: September 10, 2026

Now that the in-house employees have recieved an appraisal (of sorts), it's time to visit an off-site employee... It's time for a trip to HELL 🔥😈 Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  https://www.implodingfictions.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Amelia's appraisals created by Philip Thorne and Ostein-Alsperk Braga with music by Frederick Barden and sound designed by Polkana brought to you by HR agent. Episode 7 Killer Clouds. Remember, hands inside the cart at all times. Unless you don't like your hands. Oh, I can't believe I've greeted. I'm in a handcart to hell. dangerous theme park in the world. In Cochuria.

Now where are you? I hope you'll find you get me out of this thing. I hate normal roller coasters and this one has Flamethrowers, snake pits, chainsaws and surprises, according to the sign outside. If the chainsaws aren't the surprises, what on earth are the surprises? I'm here. Where are you? Hello!

Oh God! Oh, God, where did you come from? Hell. Okay. Well, now that you're here, can we get out, please? No. Uh-huh. Why not? Because we're taking the ride.

The hand-car to hell roller coaster is my favorite ride in the entire park. And I don't often get to go these days. Okay. You know, I had to sign a form to enter the park. Everyone does. agreeing not to sue. Then all the warning signs, the puck is littered with them. Didn't used to be that way.

When we opened, there was the form, and that was that. These days, they write warnings on the paper cups. Have you noticed? Yes, caution, hot... Caution, tarantulas in drink. Where's the fun in that? Um, terranci... What about the jump scares?

So, we're doing the ride. We are. Right up! Ah, damn it, oh, you'll lose your... My head, is it... Is it still there? It sounds like it. Oh, God.

Why are there swinging sides on the way down? Your neck's fine. So, I understand that you are a ghost. I am. Or rather pretending to be. I speak to humans, so rarely these days I'm not even sure anymore. Can't leave, you know? But if you're supposed to be a ghost, how can you meet me right here on a right?

Why I'm not meeting blood manner where you live? There must be secret rooms or... Well, because this is more fun! Oh, this! Friddley, flip it in a budding! The firing! Like you then! ...into go for the tongue! I love it when people's tongues swell up.

swell up big blue tongues hanging out of their mouths trying to order mucus slushy at the bloodbath burger joint fussy but it would be inconvenient for this conversation wouldn't it oh here on a ride people can see you we're caught on camera what ccTV oh come on amelia had that girl uh Lorraine

helped me hack into the system we installed a Video Scramble. Video Scramble. What's that? It's genius, is what it is. I can't be caught on tape. Oh, how come? Well, the system recognises my face and automatically erases me whenever I appear and screen. So on CCTV, it looks like you're talking to thin air. You look crazy right now.

Oh. How clever. Isn't it? Tilt left. Sorry? Left now! Oh, bullets. When at 4,000 feet by second, they... So, um, you're an employee of the Amelia project. I'm employee subcontractor, I don't know.

I didn't read the paperwork. But you're happy with the arrangement? They bring me groceries, I consult on designs, it's all good. Hmm. So you're an engineer then. I'm an artist. Sorry, artist, of course. The mad lumberjacks. Do you like them? No!

The axes are real. The beards are fake. Um, uh, uh, so, uh, you help build contraptions. Uh, assist Salvatore with altered vehicles and upgraded tools? Yeah, yeah, sure. I've helped you make a jet-powered hospital cart and a nutcracker that infused nuts with chloroform. Oh. But I do lots of other kinds of stuff. Um, like what? Um, umbrellas.

where the ribs of blades, kinder eggs filled with poisonous frogs, built a falling facade once, Buster Keaton style. Oh, oh, the one where he stands right where the window is? Well, in my design, he wasn't standing where the window was. I created Mr. Gruffby's self-combusting suit. Tailored it myself. I do a mean satin stitch, I tell you. Got my own version that I call Satan stitch.

Oh, and one of my proudest feats, when I helped Kozlowski figure out how to make Signor Pellegrino melt from the feet up. Oh, well, I regret asking. Now, Mr. Dugel, I took the liberty of having Alvina dig up your file. I have a file. You do. Is it a flat file or a triangular file? Um, sorry?

It's for breaking me out, right? In an emergency. It's a transcript. Uh... Of your interview. Right, that kind of file. The interviewer person, he recruited you on the spot. No application process, no onboarding process. I was head hunted.

Like we're about to be in. Sorry? Doc! You have a funny way of swearing. Oh. Why were those office workers shooting arrows at us? They're hunters. Are they not supposed to be in some kind of costume?

They're headhunters. Oh, God. Oh, right. So, back to... Amelia and the gang. I think they're happy with me. I do good work. I'm very cheap.

I work for groceries. Yes, pay is absolutely something we should discuss. But first, I wanted to touch on the aspect of EQ. EQ? Well, they skipped the central part of the procedure when hiring you. Oh. Well, they skipped all part of the... of any procedure.

But this is the one I tend to think is the most important. E. Kin? Yes. Conducting a proper assessment of your EQ. My bass and treble. Uh, sorry? Base and treble. In a film score, you've got to pull apart your base and your treble.

Unsettling rumbles. Terrifying shrieks! Right? I'm very good at that. The sound scores from my films were always... No, no, no, no. EQ, emotional quotient. Like IQ, but with feelings. Emotional quotient. Interesting.

Yes. The interviewer knew that you were set on revenge, that you were potentially pathologically vengeful, and yet he hired you. Yes, what can I say? I'm special. Well, the thing is, emotional intelligence isn't just another checkbox on your hiring criteria. It's the foundation upon which everything else builds. Is that right?

Hmm. You see, forward-thinking organizations are already revolutionising their hiring processes by designing scenario-based interviews that reveal how candidates handle real-world emotional challenges. Scenarios like, what? Scenes in a film? Yes, like in a film. Oh! Like pitching a scene and choosing an ending. Oh, sounds fun!

Now, we don't have the option of implementing a collaborative project simulation to assess team dynamics and adaptability. Teamwork? I wouldn't score too high on that anyway. And I don't have time to develop an employee-specific, comprehensive EQ assessment framework that goes beyond surface-level personality tests. Before the next near-death experience on this ride, no, you don't. But I thought I'd run a really quick, basic simulation to assess your EQ levels.

If that's okay by you. Sure. Shoot to me. Duh! What? Is this already part of it? No! Dats!

Don't worry. They'll only ruffle your hair. We design your hat. Maybe skeleton you. If you're really tall, you could do with a new haircut. What is it with my... Okay.

Okay. A scenario. Pay attention. I'm listening. Okay. You're driving down a road. quite fast. But right in front of the car, there's suddenly a puppy. You can't stop in time. You can only swerve out of the way to save the puppy, but if you do, you'll hit a gaggle of geese.

Geese? A whole gaggle. Right. So, what do you do? Uh, quite hard. What kind of car is it? I don't know. Okay, how far is it between the geese and the puppy? Why does that matter? See, I'm wondering, if I aim for the geese, can I hit the puppy with the door? Yeah, see, because that depends on how wide the car is and how deep the door is and how far there is between the animals. Oh, forget that. I can hit the puppy with a gun.

Do I have a gun? I can run over the geese with a car and shoot the puppy through the window using the side view mirror tame. Um... Not good? You... You said you can't leave here. Is that right? Yeah.

That might be for the best. Uh, what's that sound? The piranha pit. Um, real, piranus. Do you know how high a piranha can jump? Am I about to find out? If they're hungry, yes. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What did you do that for? The red handbrake. Why did you pull that? I will not drive through a piranha, pit with a... ...a... ...a homicidal maniac next to me. I'm not homicidal.

I've hardly killed anyone. And I don't like piranhas. Why? They're adorable. I once had a boyfriend that made me watch the whole series of piranha films saying, oh, they're not scary, they're parody. Joe Dante's films, they're not bad. I've had nightmares about piranas ever since. Now, let me out!

Sure. Let... Thank you. You're sure you're getting out. You could be damned sure I am. Ooh, real swearing now. Well, fine. Out you go. Your choice. At your own risk. What's that supposed to mean?

You're walking out of the ride? Yes, I am. You might avoid the piranhas that way. That's the plan. Not the clowns, though. What? The clowns, the killer clowns. clowns, they roam free.

God Almighty. Here they are. Right on cue. Someone pulls the red lever, they come spilling out of the fire truck like cockroaches. Oh, God, please, Mr. Dugal, can you get me out of here? You don't like clowns either, I take it. No, not the killer type. Whimp! You'll help me?

Of course. I am a gentleman. Also, I'm not stupid. What do you mean? This. It's a scenario, right? That's what you kept calling it, isn't it? You're testing my EQ. No.

No, this is not... You're a damsel in distress. I'm a fetching gentleman ghost. And when I spirit you out of here, I've proven that I'm not such a bad guy after all. No, no, this isn't a test. I really, really don't want to face either. The... Oh, God!

Okay, you know all the secret ways out of here. Right? We'll get out of here in secret all right. And yet, we've got to do it spectacularly. Spectacularly? There's no other way. I have a reputation to uphold. I hope you're not sensitive to smoke.

Uh, sensitive to... Here we go. Where the flippin' hell do they go, Bozo? I don't know, Flinky. Oh, then who's going to pull my finger? The red pulsating one, someone's got to pull my finger. Oh, I can do it, Flinky. I can do it.

Don't, Bozo. I don't want to lose you. Oh, you're too sweet. Oh, Blinky. Yeah. Have you had your performance review yet? Oh, with Cody. Yeah, yeah, did he yesterday. Yeah, how did it go?

Nah, I couldn't get him to pull my finger. Other than that pretty good. I got mine today. Sweated, Bozo. You're a good killer, client. That's it. Don't be ridiculous. The nose is your turn. trademark. You're like the Rudolph of the killer clowns. Oh, I hope you're right.

Ah, what's your nose made of today, bozo? What's it made it today? You don't want an opening key. Oh. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Jen Austin as the HR agent. Michael Smulik as Luke Dougal. Torgny G. Ondero as the roller coaster opera. and Blinky and Bozo as themselves. It was written, directed and edited by Einstein Ulspok Braga with story editing by Philip Thorne. Sound design was by Polkana, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Anders Piedazen, and production assistants by Marte Patsyvae.

This episode was recorded at Red Pee Studios in Vienna engineered by Apert Hadnagi and Nima Studios in Oslo engineered by Lucas Fosheim Winskul. The executive producer was Imelda Bates, whose death will occur after pulling Blinky's finger. She will come back as a killer clown in hell, whose main gimmick is riding a killer whale with a killer smile. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com. We're so glad we got to go back to hell and revisit Luke Dougal, whom you first. heard all the way back in episode 8 of season 1.

While you wait for the next episode, why not go back and revisit that episode? And if you want to revisit old episodes, ad-free and with all the associated bonuses, consider becoming a patron and supporting our work at patreon.com slash amelia podcast. Or you can go to ameliapodcast.com and click on support the show. Thank you to everyone who's already part of our Patreon community, And here's my best attempt at giving a shout-out to the recklessly generous individuals at the super Patreon tier. At the time of recording, that's Celeste Joe's Heat 312, Aubynessant, Amalie and Allison, Stephanie Weidnall, Raffaitello, Raffa, Raffaugh, Patricia Bonewagner, Bryce, Godmacliff, Heisinger, Michael West, Timuk, Macon, Tibby, Curtney Mays, Rensan, Asterkim, Asterkim,

Olivia Dodson, Philip, Henson, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Burnett, Timetier, Miss Nicksy, Mystic, Mystic, Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woods, Ryan O'Mara, Stefan Hattinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniela Nissen, Kelsey Page, Silas X, Isabella Arzino, G, the Blue Sky, Canal crypted, Ethan Cobb, Helden Inkart, Atea Maccada, Max Yarramin, DJ Goodall, Captain Cache, Natale, Sonny D, Anomeli, Postmaster General Kwan Sentmeet, Shereil Downer, Nina Kautzefski, Eli, Catherine Joyner, Selwyn Justice, Jay Chewy, Andrew Lake, and Ragnar Jensen. Thank you all so much. We'll be back soon on the regular feed and even sooner on the Patreon feed. And until then, Tudeloo.

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