The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals 8 - The Amaryllis Project

Episode Date: September 24, 2026

A clandestine meeting in the park with The Amelia Project's youngest member. It's time to meet Lorraine! Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This episode is dedicated to Amber Green, who will die in a blindfolded tomahawk throwing contest, and return as an ulogist looking after new avian life before it hatches. Enjoy the show. Amelia's appraisals by imploding fictions with music by Frederick Barden and sound design by Paul Kranah, brought to you by HR Agent. Episode 8, the Amarillis Project May I? Sure, it's a public bench.

I thought maybe you were waiting for someone. But I'll let you know when you get to you. Great. I should have worn my gloves. I like this time, you, eh? Oh, me too. Plants dying. To make way for...

new life in spring. Leaves changing colour, red and orange, the colour of flames. Like the feathers of a phoenix. Hmm. Perfect time of year for cocoa. I've heard say that you can drink cocoa all year round, though I'm not convinced. So it is you. Yes. And it's you. Lorraine? That's me. Well, thank you so much for meeting me. No worries.

In secret, this whole exchange, code words and whatnot. Death and fire and not used to that kind of thing. You did great. Thanks. I was quite nervous. What if it wasn't you? I'd seem like such a weirdo speaking about phoices and... Blaming Coco can be drunk in summer? Coco can be drunk in summer.

Oh, of course. It can be drunk in summer. You just drink it chilled. Like chocolate milk? Oh, no. Chilled cocoa. There's a difference. Is there? You can make the ice cubes out of cocoa too, so when they melt, they don't water it down.

Oh, clever. Uncle and I do it every summer. do it every summer. So, your family? Yes. But you also work for them. I help out. When it's a family business, everyone chips in, right?

But it's not a family business, isn't it? Next thing too. Ah. And when you chip in, you help them with... Let's call it coding. We're in public. Oh, right. Sorry. Yes, of course. Luckily, the park isn't that busy. You can never be too cautious. You don't know who's hiding in the bushes.

Oh, very true. Thanks for agreeing to see me. Yeah, not a problem. This meeting is very much off the books. With Amelia, everything is off the books. Oh, of course. Unless you've cooked the books. Or it's a cookbook.

Kozlowski wrote a cookbook once. Do not make any of the recipes out of that cookbook. I wanted to try the pizza rolls, and I swear I followed that recipe to a tea, and then the school dorms, it was a... Yeah, not good. Oh, right. Did you tell any of them that you were meeting me?

No. Mm. Not even Amelia. Well, my wrist, Reasoning was, since everything is off the books for them, they can't really fault me for doing something that's equally, well, you know what I mean? Dodgy? Doodgy? I wouldn't say dodgy.

Duplicitous? I wouldn't... Serptitious? I might stretch as far as... Illegal? Well, now you're going very far. Unregulated. I don't do things that are...

Unregulated. normally. But recently, you've changed. I've not changed. You've started adopting their methods. I don't think I have. How long have you been working for them? I don't work for them.

Well, I do, but only for a few... Since Monday. It took you that long. Four whole days. You're tenacious. What do you mean? Well, Amelia hired a cleaning lady last year Second day in, she started bringing in

Replacements No one had asked her to No one knew where she got them from Replacements When you're going to pretend that a flower's wilted You need another flower To take its place Hmm?

Replacement corpses Oh, right "'Hemned, "'Wednesday morning, the cleaning lady brings in two big bags. "'Body bags. "'After a lunch break, she's lulking stuff up the stairs again. "'Bag full of heads. "'Mop heads, you ask? "'Well, I guess, helping the company out, securing replacements,

"'that's helpful. "'Today she's in a high-security unit. Ah, I see. Mm-hmm. Amelia Hyde cleaning lady? Yeah. And it doesn't seem like something she would do. I don't know her that well, but it...

She had no choice. It was either that or mop the spillage herself. Spillage? From the lab. Okay. And Alvina was on strike, so... Alvina was on strike? Yeah.

Blimey. industrial action off the books. I don't even know how that works. It wasn't very industrial. She just stayed at home baking scones until Amelia had the spillage under control. Oh. But now the cleaning lady is in prison.

Mm-hmm. So who cleans up any spillage now? Well, I think they're back on a rotary system. One week each. They tried to put me on the list, but I was like, No, I have exams coming up. I do think that every second name on the list is Joey, but he hasn't really noticed. And you've grown up with all this?

Pretty much. I cannot imagine what that must be like. Do you have a family? Sure. Are they crazy? Well, my Aunt Lisbeth is... No, not like this. Well, when your uncle's a...

Let's call it a florist. Then you end up knowing your wolf's bane from your nightshade, right? Right. You use a lot of fancy words. Doer? Duplicitous, tenacious, wolfsbane, and so on. Maybe I do. You can't spend your childhood with my uncle and not have some of that rub off.

Look, I'm sorry if this is too personal to ask. Oh, you can ask anything. If I don't want to answer, I just won't answer. Or I'll lie. That's more fun. Do you think you're scarred? Scarred? Yes, by the... Uh, thorns from the flowers.

Just continuing the metaphor. Sorry, maybe scarred was a bad choice of words. No, I get it. Scard, literally... Yes and no. As a child, I had some accidents, that's normal, right? Falling off my bike, bruising my knee. Yes.

Drawing blood, learning to use a bread knife. I still do that sometimes. Cutting my ear off with a fleshing machine. Yes. Wait. What? Kozlowski always stitch me up. Right?

And when Kozlowski stitches you up, there's no scar. God, I know. I shouldn't ask this. But what is a fleshing machine? Well, you know, taxidermy. So when you've got the skin, but it's still got flesh inside. No, no, no, no, no, I regret asking. It's really not that bad.

It's just a machine that, I mean, you don't want to know what, because let's use it for or what I was trying to do. Okay, okay, okay, fine. Are you done? Scarring. Yes. There's also what we call emotional scarring, which is what I reckon you're getting at.

Yes. Have I suffered from psychological trauma? Do I have PFSD? PFSD? Hmm. Post-Florestery stress disorder. Well, how would I know? That's a question for my therapist, not for me.

Hmm. Fair point. But if you want me to do some ill-advised armchair psychology on myself... I guess that is what I'm asking. No. I don't think I'm scarred. Well, not in a bad way. Every kid is affected by the childhood, right? Some kids have to move a lot. They lose their friends over and over again because their parents drag them around the place. Like my friend Lozzer, who's like, I don't have a nationality.

I am from the colour purple inside my head. And then, some kids have parents who are never home, and some kids have parents who beat them, and some kids have parents who aren't supportive of what they do, and some kids grow up mum, right? Yes. I have amazing parents. And I have a weird uncle, who has a weird job.

So what? They support me. I can study what I want, choose my own life. And they always have my back. We all love each other. What more do you want? That's not what I imagined you'd say. In fact,

You're nothing like what I expected. Ah. What did you expect? Well, an ill-adjusted... Nerd. Well, I suppose. Not that there's anything wrong with being a nerd. I'm a nerd.

Well, I am a nerd. Yes. Computers. I'm a bit ahead of my year group. I got a scholarship, so I'm doing advanced computer sciences. Wow. It's actually not that hard So I'm taking some languages and some physics on the side

Just to branch out of it, you know Hmm Sounds smart How old are you again? Old enough Hmm But it's all work and no play Oh no, I spend quite a bit of time playing actually

Really? Yeah, gaming Ah, of course Though you could say it is a job Or a vocation or something With the big words again. Vocation. Don't patronise me, please.

I'm just impressed. Gaming is your vocation? Mm-hmm. I'd do it professionally. For money? Championships and stuff. I've had some sponsors in the past. I'm between sponsors right now.

Then there's prize money. I'm saving up. For what? Uh, the future. Oh. Yes. Yes, of course. The future.

So, you're good then. Gaming. I'm European Champion of Starcraft three years in a row. Wow. I don't know what that means. But it sounds impressive. I'm playing the world championships again next month. Reckon I have a good chance of winning this time. Oh, because you've hacked... sorry. Coded the... re-coded? No! I... I was trying to make a joke.

I'm very serious about StarCraft. I wouldn't cheat. Okay. Okay. Do you have one of those character names? An Avatar? Of course. Can I trust you? I don't know. Amelia trusts me.

And then you break a trust by coming here. Or I live up to her expectations by being thorough and covert. Okay. Well... I'm Stargirl. Is that supposed to mean something to me? You can look me up. Stargirl's kind of famous.

I'm the only star pilot who's ever beaten the Far Girls at their home planet. No idea what that means. I'll Google you. Her. Don't tell anyone, though. I don't want everyone knowing I'm Stargirl. The fame and the paparazzi. It's not for me.

And I guess Amelia wouldn't be so happy if you were all over the gossip magazines. Yeah, that too. You seem happy. You don't expect that from a teenager? You seem well-adjusted and clever. Thanks, I guess. Oh, it's a compliment, for sure. I'm just mentioning it because your family, they seem less happy.

Clever, sure, some of them are definitely clever, but... Some of them, out. Slip of the tongue. Sliff in a ton. But my point is, they don't seem all that happy. I don't. Not to me. You must have met them on a bad day.

I've been there all week. Bad week then. How many bad weeks are there compared to good weeks? Okay. I see. I'm sure you do. I don't think you do, though. Um, what am I missing?

The bigger picture? Okay. It's a high-stress environment. I've been in many of those. Okay. This is what you need to understand. What? They all love their jobs.

They wouldn't do anything else. Their job is their life. I mean, I've tried imagining them doing something else. This whole week, I've tried to place them into other work situations in my head. Hmm. Like what? The surgeon as a GP. He'd spiked the paracetamol.

Your uncle as a life coach. He'd give you some interesting advice, that's for sure. Joey, as a carpenter. How many limbs did you imagine him ended up with? If Cosbyr wasn't there to sort him out when he falls asleep at the band, so... Salvatore as a plumber. You'd have missiles shooting out your toilet ball. Amelia herself.

As a small business owner. Oh, what kind of business? Uh, well... Few parts? Can't do it. You can't do it? Oh, you didn't mention Alvina. What would she do in this other life?

Uh, council worker? Ha ha ha ha. Actually, for her, that doesn't seem entirely impossible. No? Beckham thought someone who can put a sticky tab on a spleen without blinking. Mm-hmm. Some people just have to do what they do. But if what you're suited for matches what you like doing, that's a good life, right? And if on top of that what you do is worthwhile, important.

Do you believe that? What? That it's important. What, but the world needs florists. Does the world need florists? Yes. Of course it does You're certain

Have you met Any of the clients yet? No I've stayed clear of them I understand the average client Wouldn't want to meet Too many different people during their process And I respect that

But if you thought about them Why they end up with us Why they choose to Buy a flower arrangement Not so much Well, think about it. Okay, I mean, the topic has come up, briefly. I understand that people need to escape.

Thing is, I happen to be of the opinion that, and you might think this is naive, that before you come to such a dramatic conclusion, you should first look for a solution closer to home. Is that what you do? Find solutions closer to home? As an HR consultant, yes. So, you're saying bringing in an external HR person is finding a solution closer to home? As a matter of fact, yes.

How? Because we're external. That makes no sense. No, no, no, no, it does. Hear me out. So whenever something's gone wrong that HR has to fix, it's either because of a misunderstanding or ignorance or straight out sabotage, right?

Sure. Your computer stalls, you call IT. The machine on the factory floor fails. You call engineering. Someone is behaving like a petulant child. You call us. Okay. But the funny thing is,

even when someone is acting up on purpose, if you dig deeper, a lot of the time, you find that the core reason is actually a misunderstanding. It's always a misunderstanding on some level. Okay. But in all these situations, the solution is the same. And what's that?

Communication. Get the employee and the employer to talk to each other. Make sure they've expressed their needs. If they're going to figure out how to meet in the middle, then they first have to talk. But that can be hard without a negotiator. And that's you. That's me.

And I can be a negotiator because I'm at, I thought your job was to figure out who to fire. I spend a lot more time doing audits than I do firing people. But you do fire people. We sometimes have the ungrateful task of assessing what parts of the workforce might be better off in a company more closely aligned to their preferences and skill sets. Preferences and skillsets. I guess some people are both very fond of and very good at Skyvinoff.

Like I said, it's an unfortunate part of my job, which I still have to do. I reckon you like it. No. Oh yeah. Now buzz off you. That power trip? Who wouldn't get a high off that? Uncle says he doesn't like the rejects that he only wants to interview interesting clients,

but I reckon he secretly enjoys telling people to take a hike. A simple insurance scam? Pathetic. Who do you think you are, wasting? my time. After seeing you, I need to read some Godfrey Keller to make me feel better. You like firing people. Oh, who are you going to fire? Listen, the only way to do HR, if it's going to be enduring,

is to actually embody the values that the company should be standing for. Like what? In general, respect for skills. for skills and experience, being understanding of people's personal circumstances. Look, what's great about coming from the outsiders? We don't have an agenda. I don't care. I literally don't. Your CEO and your CFO hate each other. I don't care. It's not me they hate. I don't want that corner office. My office is somewhere else. No one's stealing my personal coffee mug. I don't have my own mug in the cupboard. And because I'm not there every day, I can actually

mediate. And how's that going for you? Pretty well. No, no, no, not in general. With us. Well, you know, I'm used to people not trusting me. I regularly face people who won't give me their national insurance number, which makes including you on the payroll and the insurance plan and the pension plan really hard. But you guys don't even have national insurance numbers. On the contrary, we have many. Exactly. I mean, I've seen a lot. If you're going to afford to hire us, you've probably done pretty well for yourself. We work with some rather big companies and when you look at what's actually going on behind the scenes at some of those companies... They're actually stealing gardeniers and carving them up into little pieces and then reassembling them to look like tulips.

You know what? I'll admit. I've been a little bit out of my debts. this week. The way I see my job is, we have a seat at the table so that we can be the voice of the people who never have a seat at the table. With your uncle's company, I have a hard time even figuring out

where the table is. At HR agent, HR isn't just human relations. Sometimes it's human rescue. Ding, do, ding, ding, ding. I don't know anymore. I feel like I've forgotten how to do my job. All that I never knew in the first place.

Am I actually any good at this? Is this what I want to do? Do I know myself at all? What is the meaning of life? Life, the universe, everything. Wow, four days and you've gone deep. Yeah, I've been asking myself a lot of hard questions this week. That happens.

Yeah. When you come into contact with the Amarilis Project? It does? Oh, for sure. You don't walk through the doors of a company that resurrects dead petunias... And gives them new life as a cactus. Without getting affected at least a little bit. It's a symptom.

I think it's contagious. Look at me. All those fancy words, I didn't end up like this for no reason. Nature and nurturing all that. I've been nurtured all right. And now you have to. Oh, gosh. So, when you think about the clients...

It's the human rescue thing, isn't it? It is. The people who come to see my uncle, the ones he doesn't reject. They're the ones who've tried talking, tried mediating, tried all of the solutions close to home, and still come up short. So, yeah, I think it's important. If you've reached the end of the line, what's beyond that? Beyond the line. Beyond the line.

Right. It's getting a bit chilly. I should get going. Thanks again for meeting me. I got what I needed from this. meeting so thank you. You did? Absolutely. But we were just chatting, I didn't even realise we'd be gone. Oh, we were off right from the start. Just didn't tell me. I reckon you'd open up more if it seemed less official. Sly? Maybe. Stealthy. A little bit. Secretive. Well, clandestine. That's your words. Do you normally do that? Do what? trick people into opening up?

No. Under normal circumstances, I'm always very clear about what's on and off the record. I don't have private conversations with clients, and I don't see their relatives without telling them. I think it's important to keep a strict divide between work and everything else. Keep all client relationships strictly professional. No blurring of the lines. But after spending a week with the best flower arranger in there,

the business? I may have started employing some of the methods of a florist. I've gone beyond the line. I told you. It rubs off. I think I need a shower. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions and this episode featured Rebecca McLaughlin as Lorraine and Jen Austin as the HR agent. It was written, directed and edited by Einstein Ulzburg, Braga, with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne, sound design by Paul Kranagh music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Andersen, and production assistance by Marty Parzival. The executive producer was Emelda Bates, who will die in a tragic herbal tea accident, confusing Wolfsbane for honeysuckle. She will come back as a

photocopier repair technician who always sends duplicate invoices. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com. Neither would it have been possible without our wonderful community of patrons. If you want the Amelia Project to continue, please do consider supporting us with a small monthly pledge. It's the only way we can make this show. In return, we host community events such as the live streams of our recent London live shows. You can still watch those replays of all three shows, as well as last year's live show by becoming a patron today. For more info, go to patreon.com slash ameliapodcast or ameliapodcast.com. And as always, a shout out to our growing list of recklessly generous

super patrons whose names, I will attempt to do justice. That is Celeste Joe's Heat 312, Auburn Assamette, and Alison, Stephanie Weidnhella, Rafael, Eduardo Lvivas Verasthi, Alison Thro, Patricia Bourne Wagner, MacLeff, Heisinger, Michael West, Tim McMacken, Tibby,

Courtney Mays, Renson, Astra Kim, Olivia Dodson, Philip Hanson, Michael David Smith, LG, Ryan Bernard, Tim Ateas, Missy, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany Duffy, Jason Woodes, Ryan O'Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Daniela Nissen, Kelsey Page, Silas X, Isabella Arzino, G, the Blue Sky, Canal Crypton, Ethan Cobb, Helden, Incard, Artia Macada, Max Yarraman, DJ Goodall, Captain Cashay, Natale, Natalia, Sunnyday, Sunni, Di, Anomily, Poetka, Genie, Conice, Seril Dauna, Iberina, Kotzenifsky, Eli, Kethynoy, Andrew Lake, Ragnar Jensen, and now three new, additions to the list, the magnificently named

magniloquent Mel, James McGinley, and Charis Leith. Thank you all so, so much, and see you soon for the next appraisal. The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. I'm Calada Botox, actress, thinktress, and influenceress, and I'm spilling all the tea on Hollywood. Name. Carlotta Botox. B-O-T-O-X.

Spell the first name? It's actually Botox. B-E-A-U-T-O-X. Of course it is. First name? Botox is actually my last name. My first name... Okay, there, who's on first?

I know what's your last name. Now I want you to spell your first name. Oh, Carlotta. It's C-A-R, as in the automobile. L-O-T-A. Like, a lot of talent. Wow. Just wow

There's also an umlotte The f***'s an umlotte It's two dots and it goes over the Okay Carlotta two dots Just take a seat over there We'll call you one already Meanwhile we'll bird our loins Check out the Carlotta Botox Chronicles

Available now on Apple Podcasts Or your favorite podcatcher