The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals - Episode 9: Lesvos

Episode Date: October 8, 2026

The plot thickens and it's time for a new life on Lesvos! Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  https://www.implodingfictions.com/ Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Guessing is for game shows, not your business, especially when your margin for error is zero. Workday is the enterprise AI platform for HR, finance, and IT, with a deep understanding of your organization's context and guardrails. So every AI action is permission aware, giving you accuracy 24-7, and the ability to not just get work done, but get it done right. It's a new work day. This episode is dedicated to Royce Lott, who will die after attempting a WWE manoeuvre. He will return as a modern-day pied piper disrupting the status quo at churches across the state of Texas. Enjoy the episode. Amelia's Appraisals by imploding Fictions with music by Frederick Barden and sound design by Paul Karner.

Brought to you by H.R. agent. Episode 9, Lesvos. My assessment, she's not unbreakable. Through meeting the employees one by one, she's been slowly worn down. Right now, she's like a tenderised beef, beaten, flattened, her moral fibres fractured and out of kilter. My opinion, she's ready for frying. But that's not all. Oh yeah, Yes Chief, I have more for you. I have extrapolated some key facts that I think will come in handy for the next phase of the operation. Should I run through them one by one?

Alright. I'll start with what I learnt from Alvina's appraisal. I snatched Alvina's log like you asked me too. Now, she had redacted almost half of the words, using three different shades of black felt-tip pen, depending on how secret she thought the information needed to be. be. Oh, Alvina, it's kind of cute. She thinks an ordinary felt-tip pen can actually redact stuff permanently. But there are so many ways to retrieve that information. From tracing

the indent of the pen on the paper to enhancing the contrast between the ballpoint pen and the felt-tip pen. It was oh so very easy to piece together the original text. Once I'd restored the full transcript, I found a very interesting moment. At one point, the HR consultant lies to Alvina. She pretends that her uncle Stanley has been killed by a stack of items falling out of a primary school maintenance cupboard. Now, what interested me about this wasn't her ability to lie. No. Rather than her sudden callousness, I was interested in her choice of subject matter. A primary school. From the Tomberona voice, my non-educated guess is either she's a very good actor or she

has a traumatic relationship with primary schools. Secondly, Luke's appraisal. Luke gave me a very detailed report which I handled with caution wearing medical grade rubber gloves. It was written in what I can only assume was blood, noted down exclusively on the pre-used napkins from the hungry hippos. their real and their angry tea rooms. Luke reported that when the HR lady is scared, she says really weird stuff. Like stuff that makes absolutely no sense. A fiddly Fitbit and flaming frog balls. Why is this significant? Because of what it teaches us. In a moment of

of terror, her cognitive abilities get completely scrambled. Yes, I thought you'd find that interesting. From Joey and Salvatore's appraisal, we first learned that in a pressed situation, she will run away. Though we'd seen that several times, for example in hell. Now, from my own appraisal, I made notes of several interesting tip bits. Number one, she refused to let me tell her what a fleshing machine does. Two, she never got quite comfortable with the whole cloak and dagger business. Three, she didn't believe Coco could be drunk in summer.

But perhaps the most interesting things were these. A, she's susceptible to suggestion. I claimed she'd started absorbing our methods and she didn't reject the idea. And B, she's recently started doubting herself, asking soul-searching, existential questions. My conclusion, she wants out of here. She just needs the push. Oh, and her haircut is abysmal. Interesting. Very interesting indeed. And when spying from the corner table at the greasy spoon, what did you see? Oh, Kozlovsky's appraisal, I forgot. Well, I didn't cut holes in the menu like you suggested.

Oh, that would have been so classic. But I did notice she's very squeamish when it comes to Gore. Kozlovsky basically outgord her. A very clever tactic. He avoided answering any questions at all. Well done, Lorraine. You're not just the best niece any uncle could ask for. You are also an excellent double agent.

It was fun. She totally trusted me. I trusted me. Operation Asta Lista HR is moving along nicely. We're successfully employing our own undercover agent to incapacitate the HR agent. I don't think I've incapacitated her. What? All I've done is some very basic sleuthing and snitching. Oh, but Lorraine. That was just part one of the plan. Let me tell you about part two. Now Lorraine, now! She's waking up! What's going on? Good morning.

Don't mind the bright, warm Mediterranean sun shining through the windows. Yeah. It's quite bright. Did I fall asleep? Why am I in bed? Where am I? I do hope you're comfortable. You have a bright new life ahead of you. A new life? Oh yes.

Welcome to the Isle of Lesvos. What? Lesvos. You're on Lesvos. We're on Lesvos. In Greece? Yes. Why?

Don't you remember? I threatened to give you a new identity on Lesvos. You've... Followed through on my promise. And so you've gone ahead and... Faked your death, yes. You're just about to resurface in Lesvos. Your new name is Sappho Mitilini.

You have a girlfriend. I said girlfriend! Just look at her. Through the bathroom door there. See, you can spot her silhouette through the shower. curtain. That's your new partner. What the... I know, I know. When I threatened to fake your death, it might have seemed like a throwaway

line. I was caught under an avalanche at the time. But reviewing the footage... What footage? The CCTV footage from the hallway. Yes, we film everything for safety. Then we delete everything for safety. But Lorraine and I watched the tape before it got taped over. And when we heard me say that thing about a new life on Lesvos, both of us immediately went, that's it. So we went ahead and did it, because I liked to be a man of my words.

You faked my death, and brought me back as a lesbian on Lesbos. I did. But you pinky promised. No, no, no. I don't have pinkies. No, since Kozlovsky exchanged both of my pinkies with ring fingers, I can pinky promise as much as I like and it doesn't count. Oh, look, we even got you a job.

Wait for it. You're a primary school nurse. Yes. A primary school nurse. Yes. You'll be working as an SCPHN, a specialist community person. public health nurse. I mean, it's perfect. You're already trained to draw blood, although you hate it. Now, on a daily basis, you'll be dealing with blisters, grazed knees,

bloody noses, knocked out milk teeth, outbreaks of lice. Oh, they get everywhere, on snotty, drooling little children. Wow. What? Wow! That's all you've got? It's really gory work. And it takes place in a primary school. Y'all! You're absolutely insane.

You're not as terrified as I'd hoped. No. Why not? According to our research, this was supposed to be the worst imaginable scenario. I mean, it's not exactly the career I had in mind, but worst imaginable? Far from it. What? A girlfriend?

A surprise turn of events, but I'm sure I could get used to that. And living on a sunny Greek island, that sounds like a dream. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. But you'll be a nurse. Yeah. That's a bummer. That's it? A bummer? Yeah. Damn it.

Ah, well, luckily, we've got more. More what? Initiate phase three. Now! He's part clown, part piranha, part hairdresser. Meet Edward Fleshing Machine hands. He's here to improve your style. What?

What? What? What? You can stop all this right now. What, what, what, what? No, but no, wait. What's going on? This is clearly Joey in a costume.

Behind the shower curtain is your niece. You can come out. Oh. Who is much too young to be my girlfriend. Well, that... That light out there is not the Greek sun. That is a work lamp. Well...

And this is not a room in Lesvos. This is very clearly a musty old bedroom in a good old-fashioned British semi-detached. This room has British sockets, am I right? Maybe. Oh, God, will you please end this charade and call me a taxi? I might turn a blind eye to getting kidnapped and drugged if you end this stupidity right now

and get me safely back to your offices. I assume my personal items are there, my phone, my purse keys? No, I don't know where they are. They're in a box by the door. Thank you. Lorraine! Oh! Can I go now?

This costume is really heavy. And Kozlowski wanted his fleshing machines back as soon as I was done. By now, I don't think I'm gonna scare her. Yes, fine, go. Thank you. The things they make me do. Thank you for putting your bathrobe on. Now, let's try to turn the dial on whatever this is,

firmly back to decent. Yeah. Sorry, uncle. I did my best. Oh, it wasn't your fault. Your shower singing was perfect. Expertly out of tune in a very natural way. Oh, that required no effort.

But unfortunately, we're dealing with an enemy who's smarter than we thought. What, an enemy? Too devious for her own good. No, Operation Astelavista HR wasn't set for success. It was never going to work, but fear not. We'll just have to come up with a new plan, an even more devious plan. What exactly was your endgame here?

Faking my fake death? The doubleist of double crosses. Yes, when devious couples with shrewd, you get me. Hmm. We wanted to scare you. Scare me? Mm-hmm. Scare you away.

Yes, we thought this scenario. Mario would frighten you, that you would fall to your knees and beg for mercy. At that point, I would say to you that, as it happens, it's still reversible. But only for a price. You would agree to the price. We would put you to sleep again, drive you back to our offices, and pretend we'd flown back from Lesvos. What was the price?

What was the price? You giving up on those cursed reprisals. Appraisals. And leaving the Amelia Project alone forever. It's not up to me, though. is it? I've been hired to do a job. I'll see that job through. That does not constitute an attack on your person and it does not make me your enemy. Well, I think that's up to me to decide. Well, I think there are more constructive ways we could have dealt with this. Oh, you think I'm done?

Oh, God, you're not. Oh, absolutely not. No, this was just the beginning. This was a mere taster from my plentiful menu. An aperitif sipped ruefully at my well-stocked bar. This was elevator music. We have many steps left to go until we reach Grindcall. Oh, go Uncle, referencing Grindcore. I know, right? Look at me go. I know. I tried listening. What, you did? Yes, my ears started bleeding. Oh. It's very odd. I told Koslovsky about it, and he got very excited. Yes, we can't wait to use it for a fake death. Oh, perhaps yours. Oh, come on. There's only so many steps, from an appraisal to an uprising.

Uprising. At least you remembered the word appraisal for once. Last night, it was only me and Lorraine, cooped up in my office coming up with Operation Astelavista H.R. But this morning, we roped in Luke, who came up with the genius Edward Fleshing Machine Hands design. Then we got Salvatore to craft the costume and Joey to wear it. All very willing collaborators. Kozlovsky exchanged your candorrel for sylphium, and Alvina... Well, forget about Alvina.

She thought the plan was silly and refused to help. Originally, she was supposed to be the one in the shower. She wouldn't have been too young for you, would she? No. She said she'd do almost anything for this company, including measuring butt cheeks on octogenarian corpses to find the right fit for Mr. Abbott. But she drew the line, apparently, at posing as a sexy showering lesbian. But everyone else chipped in, yes, and you'll come to rue this day.

Oh yes, when we all joined forces. You didn't think that would happen, did you? But it did. And together, we will take you down. We've just been trying to figure out what your work situation is like. You'll rue the day, I tell you, rue the day. Arise, ye prisoners of starvation. Arise you wretched of the earth

Really? For justice, thunder's condemnation A better world's in birth No more traditions change shall bind us Arise you slaves, no more enthrall The earth shall rise on new foundations We have been not, we shall be all Tis the fire Final conflict, let each stand in his place.

The international union shall be the human race. Tis the final conflict, let each stand in his place. The international union shall be the human race. human race. So you won't be filling out the post-appraisal form then. The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Rebecca McLaughlin as Lorraine,

Stan Morris as Joey and Jen Austin as the HR agent. It was written and directed by Einstein-Ulsberg Braga with direction and story editing by Philip Thorne and Dialogue Editing by Omer Mancano. Sound design was by Polkana, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Andersen, and production assistants by Marty Partival. Our incredible executive producer was Imelda Bates, who will have her death forcefully faked by a phlebotomy gone wrong

and resurface as a lesbian primary school nurse on, well, lesvos. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible without the generous support from HR agent. you can find them at hragent.com. Also a great big thank you to our patrons and if you'd like to become part of our Patreon community you can do so you can even become a free member first before deciding whether you want to support us.

More info on all of that at patreon.com slash amelia podcast or you can go to ameliapodcast.com where we've got all the links. A shout out to those of you at the super patreon tier you're making a massive difference to the production and survival of this show and at the time of recording. That's Celeste Joe's Heat 312, Albana Sant, Ameline, Alison, Stephanie Weidniller, Raphael, Eduardo Vivos Verastiki, Alison Thro, Patricia Bonevagner, Bryce God, McCliff, Heisinger, Michael West, Tim McMacken, Tibby, Courtney Mays, Renson, Astra Kim, Olivia Dodson, Philip Hanson, Michael David Smith,

L. G. Ryan Burnett, Timetius, Miss Nixie, Mystic Sybil, Tiffany, Dufi, Jason, Jason, Wattinger, Ryan O'Mara, Stefan Hartinger, Lucille Farrell, Anonymous, Iris, Jade Pickering, Danielle Inisson, Kelsey Page, Silas X, Isabella, Arsino, G, the Blue Sky, Canal, Cryptid, Eltie, Kopp, Heldon, Arrata, Maxi Aram, and DJ, Gouldell, Captain, Cache, Natale, Atari, Nelly, Ponce, Master General Kwan, Sent me, Shereil Daunina, Eberina, Korniske, E, Kowinich, E, Leigh, Gepiniscuit, Ragni Jensen, Magniloquent Mel, James McGinley, and Charis Leith. See you again soon for the summary.

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