The Amelia Project - Amelia's Appraisals Prologue - A Growth Industry

Episode Date: June 11, 2026

Aaaaaaaaand, we're back! With a bonus series! Over the course of twelve episodes, Amelia's Appraisals tells the story of a particularly tumultuous week for the death faking agency, in which no team member is spared... And it all starts with a prologue! Tired of hearing ads? Don't want to wait for the next episode? Join us on Patreon for early ad free access, as well as livestreams of our live shows, videos and more! https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast You can also find out more and get live show tickets and find transcripts at ameliapodcast.com Website: https://ameliapodcast.com/  Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://ameliapodcast.dashery.com/  Bluesky: https://bsky.app/profile/theameliaproject.bsky.social Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast X: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Alvina, Alvina, oh, why don't you pick up? I have a dilemma. There's this live show and I can't decide if I want to go or not. The show is called Laplace's Demon and it's a choose-your-own story. The audience gets to vote and decide what the characters are going to do. And here's the weird thing. The show is about us. I'm not joking.

It's a show about the Amelia Project. Yes, it's being performed in a London. theater situated on a boat in the water, which sounds incredibly charming and atmospheric, and it would remind me of my seafaring days, and, you know what, I've made up my mind. I'm not faking any more deaths today. I'm going to spend the rest of the afternoon fighting the googly until I have safely secured a ticket. Oh, Alvina, an idea. Why don't you join me? Oh, it would be delightful. We could cosplay as, well, ourselves really, couldn't we? Did I already mention that cosplayers will be presented with a certificate of fake death?

Yes. Oh, and let's bring Joey and Salvatore too. I don't know if they've listened to the show. Oh, but it doesn't matter. Everyone is welcome. The show is on for three nights, the fourth, the fifth and the sixth of August, 2006, and it'll be a different show every night depending on how the audience votes. Then I'll just get tickets for all three. Then we can see all versions. Oh, wonderful. Right, well, then I will see you tonight for Scrabble. Toodoo-de-loo.

After last year's sellout success, the Amelia Project is back live at Theatorship. Don't miss our new show Laplace's Demon on the 4th 5th and 6th of August, 2026. Get your tickets by going to ameliapodcast.com and click on live events. See you aboard. BetMGM, an official sports betting partner of the National Hockey League, has everything you need for 2026 Stanley Cup playoff action. Fancy fans in Canada can place live bets every game during the quest for the Cup. Create same game parlays, take player props, and place futures on the 2026 Stanley Cup champion.

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Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1866-531-260 to speak to an advisor, free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Hello, dear Amelia listeners, and welcome to our new bonus series. Amelia's Appraisals. We're so excited to be back after our hiatus, and it's going to be a very busy summer. In addition to regular releases of Amelia's appraisals and our companion chat podcast, one more Coco, which you can now find on all podcast players, we've got three live shows coming up this August in London.

It's going to be so much fun. We'd love to meet you, and if you come in cosplay, we'll even present you with a certificate of fake death. You can get your tickets at ameliapodcast.com. Today's episode is dedicated to Rocky, who will fall out of the Statue of Liberty's Torch and come back as a travelling salesperson specialising in Ocarinas. Enjoy the episode. Amelia's Appraisals, an Amelia Project series created by Philip Thorne and Einstein-Alsperg Braga, with music by Frederick Barden, sound design by Polkana, brought. brought to you by HR agent. Prolog, a growth industry.

Together, let us bring the death faking industry into the 21st century. Yours in plausible deniability, Kaleem Faridi, president of the international death fakers union. P.S. sample form of falsified fatality enclosed. Going forward, please submit an FFF within 48 hours of each disappearance.

Oh, PPS. Shred this letter after reading, then shred the shredder, then shred the remains of the shredder that shredded the shredder. So, what do you think? I think it's another union president who's about to find out that death faking can't be regulated. He's got some interesting ideas, though. Oh, come on. I mean, the cold storage reciprocity scheme could be a real game changer. Oh, what's that again? Let's see.

Oh, in order to facilitate cross-border collaboration and ensure consistent standards of decoy cadaver preservation, all member agencies will have access to the cold storage reciprocity scheme. Under this arrangement, all accredited agencies agree to make their refrigerated facilities available to fellow members on a temporary, mutually beneficial basis. Participating mortuaries and freezers are at your disposal. no questions asked. Temperature standards and labeling protocols must be adhered to at all times.

All right, all right, all right. But what about that form thingy? The FFF? Oh, we have to submit one for each disappearance. That should be easy, right? I mean, Alvina documents every disappearance anyway, so it's just a question of... Yes, yes, yes. But why do they want all that information?

It's for a new global registry of new identities here. Here, oh, yes, the Global Registry of New Identities will ensure smooth, confusion-free disappearances across the international death-faking community. By logging each newly minted alias into a centralized union-approved database, agencies can avoid duplication and accidental identity overlaps. This letter is turning my cocoa. No, I don't like the idea of handing sensitive information to the union.

Well, if we want to stay a member, we don't really have a choice. But we don't need them, do we? I mean, we were doing this long before death faking became fashionable. Yes, we have a long history and a solid reputation. Exactly. But that also means sometimes we might be a bit stuck in our ways. What do you mean? mean? Uh, well, um, uh, look at this place.

Yes, what about it? You don't think it could do with a spruce? A spruce? No, I do not. Okay. Uh, what would you say is the vibe? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, the what? The vibe? You know, the, the atmosphere. Ah, okay, yes, atmosphere. Um, it's cozy. I like it. There's a sarcophagus in the corner and a skull on your desk. There is, yes. That's not cozy, that's creepy. The sarcophagus was a gift from Pharaoh Neferamen, and the skull is Carl. Carl?

Carl? Yes, a good Lord Carl, Granton. Uh... 221B Baker Street. Oh, you mean... Shh! No, no, no, no, Alvina might be listening. She's in her office.

I bet she's not. She often listens at the door. She does not. She does. Carl Granton, 221B. Now I understand why the skull has a pipe between its teeth. What about the coffin? I take coffin naps between interviews.

Keeps me sharp. Well, I just... I just think we could give the place a more modern feel. Modern feel? We're the best in the business, the oldest in the business. We don't have to pander to modern. But the new president is right. Oh, he's not.

Yes, hold on, let me find it. In this fast-moving digital world, disappearing convincingly is a growth industry. Digital world? I mean, what does that even mean? It means that now that everyone's being tracked by 15 different apps, our services are, well, they're basically essential. Apps, apps, what? What? What?

What? What? Apps? I'd go as far as to say that faking your death, it's... Well, it's self-care, isn't it? Self-care? Yes! Oh, it sounds like you want to turn this into a spa.

Ooh, that's an interesting idea. What? No, it's not. No, no, it's not. It's a terrible idea. Oh, oh, oh. The Amelia Project offers the ultimate detox from your life. No, it doesn't. Ah, we cleanse your pores and scrub your digital footprint. I don't even know what that means. Stop it. Oh, let us gently delete your social media accounts as you relax under a warm towel. Amelia? I'm being serious now. Stop it. Stop it.

We could get a few more of these. What? No, no, no. Careful. That sarcophagus is over 3,000 years old. Ooh, you could teach clients how to cough and nap. The coffin's enclosed space creates a cocoon of stillness, blocking out external stimuli and encouraging deep uninterrupted rest. That is true, but... As you lie there, swaddled in layers of cool bandages... I only did that once! A friendly staff member quietly shreds your passport.

I would hardly call Salvatore friendly. Wake up with a sense of profound calm, existential clarity and better posture than before. Yes, yes, all right, yes. It is true that coffins encourage a perfectly neutral lying position, supporting the spine and reducing tension. Congratulations. You have shed your old identity like dead skin cells. But we are not turning the Amelia Project into a spa. Unplug, unwind, unegenerg, unegener. exist.

I'm sorry, am I talking to myself here? You suggested it. What? I was joking. It was a joke, you know, ha-ha. I was joking, too. Well, I... What?

Mm-hmm. Oh, thank goodness for that. Yes. Ha, ha. Oh, you had me going there for a minute. Ah. Yes. Good Lord. I could smell the incense.

I'm very relaxed now, though. Oh. Oh, but I'm serious about making some change. And we'll start with the waiting room. Do you know how many clients open the door, take one look at the mismatched chairs, the stuffed Raven and the Ouija board, and walk straight back out?

I don't know, too? No, like everyone. They think it's a hoax. What? No, well, they're obviously not Amelia material. Yes, good riddness. And, I don't blame them. This place looks like it's the prop room

the prop room of some amateur dramatic society. Amateur? Take that back. Or a novelty store. Amelia. No, no, no, don't, don't, Amelia, don't see. What the, what the, that? I didn't, that was definitely not, what the?

I'm so sorry, Amelia. You. No, no, no, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. A whoopee cushion? Seriously? Yes, it was Kozlovsky. Liar!

I'm not. Anyway, it wasn't meant for you. It was meant for a... I mean, it was there because... Mm-hmm. For a... For a Joey. Yes, it was meant for a Joey.

Yeah, okay, that's where clients sit. Yes, but Joey sometimes... It was meant for a client. Just admit it. Oh, it's all part of a... Don't say test. Test. Sorry. You weren't supposed to know in my defense.

Mm-hmm. We're doing, as Mr. Faridi says, we're bringing this place into the 21st century, like it or not. I don't. And I'm not just talking about interior design. Oh. As of tomorrow, we commit to weekly disappearance metrics broken down by demographic, workplace risk assessments including coffin lids, trap doors, and dramatic, smoke effects.

Mm-hmm. They're fun. A full disguise inventory. That would take weeks. Coffin capacity reports including weight limits and spring-loaded false bottoms. Oh. Identity recycling declarations confirming no identities have been reused. Ha!

The Incognito Project will struggle with that. They've been running the same three disguises on rotation for the past decade. Hat, no hat, and hat with sunglasses. It's pathetic. Exactly. The new measures will separate the wheat from the chaff, so hucksters like Mateo don't solely the reputation of the entire industry. Isn't that what the competition is for? Yes, but that's only every 50 years. I suppose.

Also, as per the new guidelines, we must conduct regular staff appraisals. Regular? We can get started on that first thing tomorrow morning. What the devil are appraisals? Oh, like a dental checkup, but for your job? You know, to identify and remove plaque? I've never been to the dentist. Really?

Really? They never existed. When I was, you know, when I have toothache, I see Kozlovsky. You know, it just pops in a new one. Oh, you know, think of it like a post-mortem then. A post-mortem for the living. Right. Right, yes. That, um... Yes, that sounds painful.

Doesn't have to be. What does it involve scalples? Only emotional ones. Hmm. Right. Um, um, okay. Um, yes, um, fine. In my office then? Mm, tomorrow at ten? Sure. Okay, uh, I'll go inform the others. Oh, goody. See you tomorrow. See you then. To do-de-loo.

Oh, good Lord. Can it get any worse? Seriously. Where is that? Hello, Alvina. Just to warn you, Amelia's going through one of her, we have to change everything phases. Although this time it's being egged on by that blasted union. This new president, Khalim Faridi, is a real pain in the bohooki. Let's hope he fakes his own death soon, like his predecessor. Anyway, Amelia was in the verge of turn. turning us into a spa. Can you imagine? Eucalyptus stink everywhere? A looping track of pan flutes, wind chimes, and ambient whale size? Oh, good Lord, I would look ghastly in one of those linen robes. Can you imagine? Like an undercooked bread roll. Nobody wants to see that. Not even me. Anyway, yours truly talked her out of it. You're very welcome, by the way.

Oh, and we are conducting appeasals tomorrow for the whole stuff. Oh, if Amelia remembers. Hopefully she'll forget and we can focus on more important things. Oh, speaking of important things. Scrabble tonight? The Amelia Project is a production of imploding fictions. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer and Julia Morizawa as Amelia. It was written and directed by Philip Thorne, and direct.

and dialogue edited by Osteim Osberg, Prager. Sound design was by Paul Kranagh, music by Frederick Barden, graphic design by Anders Pedersen, and Production Assistance by Marty Partsievo. The executive producer was Emelda Bates, whose death will be faked by a freak albatross mauling. In her new life, she'll get an office job at the International Deathfakers Union. Amelia's appraisals would not have been possible,

without the generous support from HR Agent. You can find them at hragent.com. We could also not make this show without our Patreon community. If you're curious as to what Patreon is all about, head over to patreon.com slash amelia podcast, where you can find all sorts of bonus content, a community chat and regular updates. You can even just tip in your toe as a free member,

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