The Amelia Project - Episode 11 - Tara & Lily - Season 1 Finale

Episode Date: May 31, 2018

“Take the 4:20am from Paddington and bring matches, a compass, carabiner hooks and Maltesers." Episode 11, Season 1 Finale. The Amelia Project is a secret agency that helps its clients by faking their deaths and setting them up with a brand new identity! In this episode two burglars visit the agency, after a failed robbery at Buckingham Palace…  With: Alan Burgon, Sarah Golding, Fiona Thraille, Benjamin Noble and Torgny G. Aanderaa. Written and edited by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. For full credits see our website. Website: https://ameliapodcast.com  Transcripts: https://ameliapodcast.com/transcripts Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Donations: https://ameliapodcast.com/support Merch: https://www.teepublic.com/stores/the-amelia-project?ref_id=6148 Twitter: https://twitter.com/amelia_podcast Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/ameliapodcast/ Tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Cold tapes. A gripping crime story that will chill you to the bone. You know, life on the base means, well, it's close to six months without light. That does things to people that study that he was doing to watch us and then set off us like mice around this special little experiment how many people are on this base 16 on this one someone amongst them is our killer experience cold tapes the murder mystery podcast game start your investigation where you get your is our killer. Experience Cold Tapes, the murder mystery podcast game. Start your investigation

where you get your podcasts. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there's no way back.

Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Hi. It's Tara. And Lily. Leave your message after the beep. Hi. It's Tara.

And Lily. You'll have seen the mug shots. Didn't get me from my good side. Still my hair in a bun for the next break. Anyway, those frigging mug shots are everywhere. Yeah, we can't even pop to Sainsbury's to get tea. We're out of tea. We have to disappear.

Fast. We can't stay hiding here forever. Call us! The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga with music and sound design by Frederik Baden Episode 11 Season 1 Finale Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga, with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. Episode 11. Season 1 finale. Tara and Lily.

Your tea. Oh, I was dying for a cup right now. Thanks. I hope you found us okay. My new smartphone is playing up. Did you get my text messages? Take the 4.20am from Paddington and bring matches, a compass, carabiner hooks and Maltesers. Why Maltesers?

You wanted to turn back, didn't you, Lily? She thought it was a hoax. Yeah, I mean, checking across Bobbin Moor was okay. I'm sailing down Shedder Gorge. For me, though, it was rafting down St Necton's Cove. We got drenched. And gliding down Beacon Hill was fun though. But why?

We have to take precautions. Precautions? Look, first you send us hitchhiking, cliff jumping and snorkelling around Cornwall. And then you make us come all the way back to London using nothing but local bus routes. This way we can be sure you weren't followed. What? Couldn't you make us come all the way back to London using nothing but local bus routes. Well, this way we can be sure you weren't followed. What? Couldn't you have made us drive the wrong direction down a

one-way street? That's a very good point, and I'll bear it in mind for next time. Now, do you have those Maltesers? They're for you. No way. You mean we risked showing our faces at a Costco just to get you Maltesers?

Well, I don't get out much and the corner shop here doesn't stock them. Unbelievable. I know. I've been telling them for years. You owe us £2.50. What? Come on. I'm sure you didn't pay for them. Excuse me? I mean, given your profession...

Are you suggesting we stole them? Is that really so ridiculous? We would never steal Maltesers from Coscat. It's against the rules. Whereas breaking into Buckingham Palace... Buckingham Palace is fair game. What rules are these? The looter's law.

We always obey the looter's law. It says something about Maltesers. Don't be silly. Maltesers are fair game. But you just said you would never... Steal a pack of Maltesers from cost cutters. Correct. It says something about cost cutters.

Don't be silly. Cost cutters is fair game. I'm confused. Look, if cost cutters was protected by an alliance of the Navy SEALs, the French Legion and the North Korean Army, there'd be no keeping us out. If it was about stealing a pack of Maltesers from the Oval Office, we'd be on that like tie-dye on a hippie.

Yeah, but nicking Maltesers from a Coscars is just so uninspiring. Yeah, it's been done to death, you know. Well, it's a challenge. So let me get this straight. You won't commit a crime unless it's insanely difficult. First rule of the looter's law. Shall I tell him, Tara? Go on.

Did you hear about the Washington Zurich heist? No. That was you. Tara broke into the Bank of America's vaults and took 80 million dollars. Lily broke into Zurich Cantonal Bank's vaults and took the same amount in Swiss francs. Oh, wow! So far, so pedestrian.

Bank robberies are a cliché. But we gave it a twist. I break into Zurich Cantonal Bank and put the dollars there. I break into Bank of America and put the Swiss francs there. We made the bounty switch places. Wait. You had 160 million and you didn't keep a single penny? Second rule of the Luther's Law, we must make no financial gain.

No financial gain. The looter's law. You came up with this. Yeah. It's all about reclaiming the act of burglary and subverting criminal cliches. Yeah, the bank heist was our masterpiece. It doesn't get any more difficult than that. Breaking into two high security vaults.

Crossing borders with 80 million stashed in our pockets. Breaking back into the vaults two days later at a moment the banks were doubling up on security. We pulled it off and all entirely untainted by financial gain. It was the culmination of all our thinking. Bank heists are the pinnacle of a burglar's career. A burglar's hamlet. You know, we really have a lot in common. You've robbed the bank?

No. You've played Hamlet? I've played the gravedigger. I'm sure you stole the show. A pickaxe and a spade, a spade. Four in a shrouding sheet. Oh, a pit of clay for to be made. For such a guest

is me. Yeah. What do we have in common? We're motivated by the same thing. What teaches? Challenges. Do you really want to know why we sent you to Land's End and back?

To test your commitment. It's how we separate the wheat from the chaff. We only take on clients that fulfill our strict criteria of eccentricity and determination. We only take on clients with an interesting story to tell. If a case doesn't inspire us, we don't accept it. We collect stories. We collect challenges. That's what Amelia is about. If a case doesn't inspire us, we don't accept it. We collect stories. We collect challenges. That's what Amelia is about.

Bullshit. You think? They're in this for more than just kicks. I don't know. He's an odd fellow. Their list of clients? Yes. Stage, TV and film stars, bankers, millionaires.

What are you saying? They get paid. So they're in it for the money. Or influence. They have stories on people everywhere. Stories. What do you suppose they do with these stories? I don't know... yet.

But information is power. They do have information on a lot of people. They've even had a client from our own ranks. Nathaniel bloody McBride. Do you think this disappearing thing might be just a facade? I think the media has a lot of secrets. We need to dig deeper. Find out as much as we can.

Hmm. So, on with the tape? Play. In order to inspire us, it has to be something special. We don't do boring. Like Like you don't do petty crime Oh, we don't want to seem like we're dissing petty crime No, no way We are, yes, P-E-C-T, our roots, right on

You have to master the basics before you can subvert them We've done our fair share of shoplifting Car junkies Back alley mugging It's just that we've moved our fair share of shoplifting. Car junkies. Yeah, back alley mugging. It's just that we've moved beyond that now. We are trying something new. I must say I'm relieved. Oh?

I was a little scared of inviting the world's most brilliant burglars into my office. What? You're not scared of us? We must be doing something wrong, Lily. What's in that safe? I'm not telling you. Cracking it would be a piece of piss.

I'm sure it would. But it would also be against the looter's law. Much too simple. You're right. What if we managed to do it under your nose? Daylight burglaries. It's one of our specialities.

Yeah, yeah. Do you know, we emptied the Tesco Superstore in Folkestone during opening hours While it was busy with shoppers, eh? We drove down Fitzjones Avenue with a removal lorry clearing out all the villas Yeah, we burgled most of Kensington at midday shouting through megaphones and wearing fluorescent vests We stole an elephant from London Zoo right under the noses of a hundred school children What about Buckingham Palace? Tell me about that. Yeah, it really wasn't going to be a big deal.

It was just something to clear the mind. Just a bit of fun. Look, after the bank heist, we needed to blow off some steam. So we decided to break into Buckingham Palace and nick the Queen's toothbrush. Yeah. And that's when these pictures were taken. Oh, my bum looks big in those jeans. It's not our bedtime.

How did it happen? We climbed over the wall, put on our red tunics and bare skin hats. Joined a change into the garden. Smuck off into a side entrance. Dumped the uniforms in a vault. Deactivated the alarm. Fed the guard dog's tranquilisers

and located the Queen's bath. She has a pastel green toothbrush with medium-strength bristles. Then we slid down a drainpipe. And legged it through the gardens. Crawled through by a wire fence. Clambered the wall. And jumped straight into a Japanese tourist photo.

Next thing I know, my fat bum's all over Facebook and Twitter. And this morning, we're all over the newspapers. Yes, you've become quite the stars. Everyone's so surprised. I always think of burglars as being men, eh? You know what? Ridley Scott is trying to reach us. He wants to use

our story. Well, it would make a great movie. Tara and Lily. Ooh, like Thelma and Louise. We can't go to prison. I mean, our careers can't end in cliché like that. It goes against everything we've been trying to achieve. How do you see your futures?

Retiring to a rambling mansion on the coast of Argentina. Cocktails and croissants for breakfast. Lobster for lunch. Offly grass and truffles for dinner. Your new life will be expensive. Yeah, I also want a swimming pool, a tennis court, a gym and a jacuzzi. You're going to need a steady stream of income. And we don't want to work.

No. Well, I can't let you continue a criminal career. Too risky. You're going to have to lie low for a while. If that means staying in our mansion all day, I also want a home cinema. Here's how you can afford it. They'll make that movie and it'll be a huge hit. You can live off the royalties.

But what if it's not a hit? Our challenge is to make sure that it is. Your story's got all the right ingredients. Suspense, comedy, camaraderie. It's a great star vehicle. But there's one thing missing. What's that? A good ending.

Oh, yeah, being caught in a Japanese tourist selfie, clutching a toothbrush. It's not very glamorous, is it? So, we need to give you a really dramatic finale. Oh, something spectacular. Something iconic. How about the end of Thelma and Louise? Cool!

Here's how this will work. You're going to call Ridley. Ask him to meet you at Little Bo's Cafe at Sennon Cove You sell him your story Our lawyer will handle your rights He can drive a hard bargain And he'll continue to represent you Even after you're presumed dead

While you're in the meeting We'll tip off the police as to your whereabouts As soon as they show up You get into your car We'll get you a really nice powder blue Ferrari. You speed recklessly down twisty coastal lanes with the police in hot pursuit. When the cliffs

at land's end come into view, you just keep going. The Ferrari hitting the sea will look magnificent. We won't get hurt. Don't worry. Extracting clients from speeding vehicles is one of our specialities. Oh, death is going to be so cool.

So cool. It will have echoes of both Thelma and Louise and Rebel Without a Cause. It's going to be very cinematic. Hell yeah. Now, what about payment? You keep a share of the royalties, of course. No. No?

No. I had something else in mind. Oh? One final break-in. One final challenge. We can't. Everybody's looking for us. I mean... That's why. It's a challenge.

What do you want? Can you get into Westminster? I don't see why not. We want to get our number into the hands of the right people. We've got more celebrities than we can handle. We've got scientists covered. We've got an interesting sideline in religious leaders. But we haven't had an interesting political case since Harold Holt.

So what can we get for you? Files. Contact lists. Minutes of meetings. Anything that gives us an insight. What do you think, Louie? Sounds fair. We could even throw in a pack of Maltesers. Deal! Oh, this calls for champagne. Champagne?

Hold your ears. Oh, delicious. I want a water cooler and all this stuff in our mansion Ladies a toast to your retirement Cheers

Cheers You got what you asked for? That info should keep you going for a bit. My mailbox is full. Time for you to keep your part of the bargain. What's inside? Tapes. The safe was full of them. Do you mind if I smoke?

Go for it Do you mind if I blow bubbles? How quickly can this be done? I don't have much time I leave planet Earth tonight I'm being launched to antathon in ten hours We'll get Kozlovsky to replace your liver your kidneys kidneys, your heart, your lungs, your intestines, your pancreas, your blood, your facial tissue, your ligaments. Replace everything with synthetic parts.

He can do that? You've done well. So, now we get to walk free, yeah? Yes, you're free. Wait, what else can you tell me? You can just listen to the tape, it's all there. You've got the tape of your own interview too? Yeah, Nick the Dictify, yeah.

Why wasn't that safe? I'm not telling you. Cracking it would be a piece of piss. I'm sure it would. But it would also be against the looters' law. Much too simple. You're right. What if we managed to do it under your nose?

Daylight burglaries is one of our specialities. You're good. It's a shame to let you go, really. You've been very useful. The official line will be that you're serving a sentence at Ascombe Grange. Of course. Oh, and I should warn you. Any funny business, and it's prison for real,

will be keeping an eye on you. Right. I guess it goes without saying, but not a word about Emilia. To anyone. Our lips are sealed. Come on, Tora. Let's get out of here. You won't tell anyone

about this, right? I mean, this is confidential. Strictly between you, me, and the Coco. Are you making notes? I don't want you to forget anything. The session is being recorded. Why? We keep an archive of all our clients. As long as it's under wraps. Of course.

I mean, this isn't being recorded or anything, is it? No. So, MI5 doesn't know you're here and mustn't find out. But I thought you just said... Hell, you know, the theme park. Sorry, I don't have kit. You're joking. It's not that unusual.

I'm Bob! Love it! Well, take a seat, Bob. How do you do? I'm fine, thank you. Wow! You are super intelligent. Yes. I am now a spicy meatball But my maker does not like spicy meatballs if you catch my drift Er, I think so

Cole, it's Haynes Once you get this message, come to my office right away I've got something you need to listen to This is big. Call me. For the love of God, call me. Call me. Call me. Please, please,

please, call me back. Call me. Get back to me. Please. Quick. Help. We can't stay hiding here forever. Call us. Cool ass. Thank you. The Amelia Project is produced by Imploding Fictions in association with Open House Theatre Vienna. This episode featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Fiona Thrail as Tara, Sarah Golding as Lily,

Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Torgny G. Ondiro as Agent Cole, and Julia Morizawa on the answerphone. Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Torgny G. Ondiro as Agent Cole, and Julia Morizawa on the answerphone. It was written and edited by Philip Thorne and directed by Philip Thorne and Oysen Braga. Music and sound design by Frederick Barden. Graphic design by Anders Pedersen. Production coordination by Julia C. Thorne.

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