The Amelia Project - Episode 12 - Percy Two - World Audio Drama Day Special

Episode Date: October 30, 2018

“Are you sitting comfortably?” Season 1, Episode 12. With: Alan Burgon, Thomas Middler, Tanja Milojevic, Jen Sugden, Chris Sugden, Erin Kyan, Lee Davis-Thalbourne, Julian Sark, Sarah Rhea Werner, Julia C. Thorne, Oystein U. Brager and Philip Thorne. Written by Oystein U. Brager and Philip Thorne with contributions from Eli McIlveen, Erin Kyan, Sarah Rhea Werner, Jen Sugden and Chris Sugden. Produced by Imploding Fictions and Open House Theatre in collaboration with Victoriocity Productions Ltd, Alba Salix / Sean Howard Holdings, Love and Luck / Passer Vulpes Productions and Girl in Space / Sarah Rhea Werner. Music by Fredrik S. Baden, John Owen, Eli McIlveen and Silent Partner. Sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. In celebration of World Audio Drama Day. This episode continues the story of Episode 9, Percy. A huge thank you to new and old patrons who made this episode possible, as well as to all our collaborators. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hello, I'm Pip. And I'm Oystein. And we're back with this World Audio Drama Day special of The Amelia Project. Happy World Audio Drama Day, everyone. Hope you're spending it binging lots of great podcasts. One quick note before you start this episode. It's not a normal episode of The Amelia Project. It's a continuation of episode nine, Percy.

So if you haven't listened to that episode, or if it's been a while and you don't remember it so well, we suggest you listen to episode nine, Percy, first, before you enjoy this one. Right. It's time to pour yourself a large mug of cocoa, sit back and enjoy. We need broken limbs at gate 13. Anybody with broken limbs, please hobble along the gate 13 for a plane crash with survivors.

First come, first served. Wow! What just happened? Congratulations, Percy. You are now officially out of that pretentious podcast, The Amelia Project. Astronauts to the launch site for a one-way expedition to Mars. This is amazing! I know. Is that a... Zombie? Yes, I think so. And over there?

Behind the aliens. Looks like Huguenot. Oh, and that's a Jedi! A real Jedi just sitting there on a bench! Oh, next to the grandma with a bazooka! I love it! You found the perfect place for me! Oh, no, no, no, no, no. You can't stay here. Why not? This place is perfect! It's clearly been created by someone with an extreme imagination. In a place like this, I could be anyone.

Sorry, but we're not in a new writer's imagination yet. We're not? No. Well then, then what is this place? Pirates needed at landing stage seven for a mutiny aboard the Jolly Roger. This, Percy, is where ideas come from. Character ideas, more specifically.

What? Welcome to Grand Character Central. Nearly all characters travel via this place on their way to whatever story they are about to appear in. But that would mean I've been here before. But I don't remember it. How could I forget a place like this? Yes, I said nearly all. You're so... underdeveloped, you probably came from somewhere else. Where? Where did I come from?

Some characters are discovered among the dregs in Rum Reservoir. So you're saying that I'm just a drunken idea? Well, yes. But never mind that now. A new life awaits. You're at Grand Character Central. From here you can travel anywhere, into the mind of any writer you can imagine. H.P. Lovecraft? No, alive. They have to be alive. All fireworms to meeting point D.

There's an urgent need for a fireworm attack in the new George R.R. Martin novel. Percy, are you ready? Wait, where are you sending me? Wait, where are we going? What? What's going on? Ice time! I don't know. I don't know what's happening. Victoriousity by Chris and Jen Sugden Miss Wolferton! Chief Inspector, you buzzed. And shouted.

Yes, what now, Miss Wolferton? You called me. I meant what now, as in, we've been at this from seven in the morning until nine at night for a week. How many more are there? Detectives? They're not detectives until I damned well say so. Prospective detectives. Prospectives.

I hate this. I know. But you need to hire some of them. What possible reason would make me do that? They can help solve some of the many, many, many crimes? Not that many. You make it sound as though there are too many. There are too many. Have you seen the board? I thought the board fell down.

It did. Under the weight of all the... Crimes, yes. Look, Miss Wolverton... There's only one left. He only appeared a moment ago. What was your name? Oh, um, Percy. A Constable Percy. No, not Constable. Send him in.

Just Percy. Right Constable Percy? No, not Constable. Send him in. Just Percy. Right this way. Hello. I'm very sorry, but... Not yet, you're not. Let's take a look at your examination. Perry, was it? Percy.

Keller. No, Percy. I'm Keller, you half-wit. Detective Chief Inspector. Right. Examination? No, I'm all right, thanks. Where is your detective examination?

I don't have one. It's not looking good, Petrie. It's Percy, and... Date of birth? May 10th, 1918. Nineteen? What the blazes are you talking about, man? Look, there's been a misunderstanding. At last we are on the same page, Petrie.

It's Percy, and I... Consider this, Purty. It's Percy. Purty, you've been called to a residence where a man lies slain in his own bathtub. Good God! Quiet. The wife is hysterical. The housekeeper is hysterical.

The children are, mercifully, at boarding school. Walk me through the solution. Well, I'd phone the police immediately. Care to try that again? Oh, I am the police. We'll see how it goes, but for this scenario, assume you are indeed still the police. Well, I would interrogate the wife. What makes you so sure it was the wife?

Isn't it often the spouse in this sort of thing? What sort of thing is that? Murder? Yes, and how many murder cases have you been on? None. So your intuition is guided by... Books? And while you are reading your books...

I'm learning about solving crimes? While you are reading your books, the dead man's valet, who you did not notice had beads of sweat on his brow from the exertion of murdering his employer, is making a break for it. Did you say there was a valet? Did you say you were a simpleton? Now look here. Yes?

Miss Wolverton, kindly open the door. Mr. Portley will be travelling through it at high speed shortly. It's Percy. Wait, what? This is how you solve crimes? Fanciful fiction? Find any poor woman who fits the bill and send them to the hangman's noose? You make me sick. Get out of my sight!

Thank you for coming to see us, Constable Percy. We'll be in touch. How did it go? This isn't the right place for me. It's a very popular podcast. It's a neo-Victorian detective comedy and they're looking for a new character. I mean, Percy, you could be the star detective in their second season. A podcast? I said I didn't want to be in another podcast.

Where would you like to go? I don't know. Just get me out of here, quick. Hi, Jason or Cain. Apparently, I've reached a bar or something. And there was this Australian voice saying that Jason and Cain live above the bar. I'm a bit confused. I came here with a guide and I can't see him anywhere now. And I've got no idea what I'm actually supposed to be

doing. I'm in a phone booth. I might be standing right across the street from your bar, actually. The best of look bar. It looks closed. Well, it seems to be the wee hours of the morning, so... Oh, Lord, there's a koala. I'm definitely in Australia then. Hey, when you hear this, if an Englishman arrives in a pinstriped suit, would you just tell him to call me back, please? I think I'm just going to stay here for now. That's probably for the best. Thank you. You've reached the Love and Luck podcast.

Percy, I've brought you to a wonderful place called Love and Luck. Yes, it's another podcast, but it's great. It's about these two gay men who open up a bar, and they can do magic. It's probably one of the most inclusive and heartwarming podcasts around. I think you'll be very happy here. I'm not leaving this phone booth. So far I've seen one kangaroo, two dingoes, and a lizard with a

blue tongue. Why did you bring me here? Why are we only communicating through voicemail? What is going on? The whole show is told through voicemails. It's super clever, right? I can only speak through voicemails. For the rest of my life. Are you kidding me?

I wanted to be a fully fledged character, not just a voice saying, hi there, it's me, call me back. It's really not like that. You can say anything via a voicemail. Declare your love, come out to your dad, argue, make up. Just try it out. There's a spider inside the phone booth. It's right next to the door. I can't get out. There's a spider inside the phone booth. It's right next to the door. I can't get out. Help me.

Get me out of here, please. Help. Fine. Hey, Kane. There was a really weird message on the bar's voicemail that I just noticed. Did you catch it? From this English person. He sounded really confused.

He said he was in the phone booth on the other side of the road, but... I mean, that hasn't been a phone booth in years, right? It's just a Wi-Fi hotspot now. I don't know. Did you see anyone new come in today? Maybe with a British accent? I'd like to help this guy if we can figure out where he is. Hey Jason.

No, I didn't meet anyone new yesterday from England. If this guy does show up and he really does need our help, obviously we'll definitely be there for him. But it might have just been a prank, you know? I mean, he was talking about koalas and kangaroos and stuff, and the last time I checked, the only place to find those in the inner city is at the zoo. So don't worry too much, okay? I love the fact that your instinct is to help people though. Oh, and I don't want to worry you, but when I came downstairs this morning, there was a dirty mug on the counter in the kitchen, and it wasn't left there by one of our boarders. It looks like someone else has been in the bar during the night.

Now, don't worry. I checked, and nothing has been stolen, and all the doors were locked. Whoever it was seems to have just appeared and disappeared. All they did was drink a cup of cocoa and break a saucer. Hey, maybe he thought a possum break a saucer. Hey, maybe he thought a possum was a koala. I mean, they're both cute, great, furry marsupials that make the most god-awful noises when they have sex. Easy mistake to make.

Oh, and Kane, why would you say cocoa? It's cold hot chocolate, isn't it? They've disappeared! What? From the script! Percy and the interviewer have disappeared right out of this document God knows where they are! Percy wanted a new writer

You think he's in another audio drama? It would be disrespectful Like they're cheating on us! We have to get them back before they start making a fool of us in other podcasts. Oh, what the... Where are we? Where are we? This stinks.

Oh, I'm not entirely sure. From our immediate surroundings, I deduce that we are... We're in a bog. Oh, a stinky, smelly bog. Okay, quiet, quiet, quiet. Someone's coming. Quiet, quiet, quiet. Someone's coming.

I hate my job. Chores build character. You have to earn your keep. Sure, but what about Holly? Why can't she empty the... bedpan sometimes? Bedpans sometimes. Whoa! Swamp people! Swamp people? No, we're not. What the heck are you doing in the leech pond?

I think the more important question is why are you emptying a piss pot on our heads? Because it's closer than the river, that's why. Uh, listen. Don't tell my boss, okay? Could you please tell me where it is we have landed? Uh, in the pond? Behind the House of Healing? Do you have an appointment? Ahem. By appointment

to the King and Queen, Alba Salix, royal physician. House of healing? Are we in a hospital? Have you just emptied the piss of sick people on my head? Well, no. Not just people. There's some ogre and goblin in there.

Oh, and centaur. Sorry, sorry. I know they're all people. Non-human people. Whatever. I need to get out of this bog now. Technically, it's a pond. Help me then. Come on.

I'm stuck. You gotta be kidding. Alright. Here. Come on. you two. Thank you. Ogres and goblins, you said. Hmm. What sort of place have we landed in?

Landed? What's this place called? It's Granville. Capital of Farloria. Wow, you guys must be a long way off course. You could say that. A shower. Is there a shower anywhere?

I need a shower. A what? Oh, there's a river. No, dude, the river is... The river is where pretty much the whole town dumps their sewage. What? This water. Oh, boy. So, you said you landed.

Did you fly here? You don't have wings. There are many ways of flying. So that means... Oh. Are you a wizard? Well, I don't like to boast, but... Do you, like,

throw fireballs? Or summon demons? I make people disappear. Like a magical assassin? No. No, no, no, no, no. I help people to fake their own deaths and vanish without a trace. No way! That's your job?

Oh, yes. Right now, I'm trying to find a new home for Percy over there. He's being very difficult about it. Maybe you could help me out. Because my job here is the worst. I work for this witch who treats me like a slave. And I'm not allowed to leave because I'm doing community service. Is that Granville over there?

I'd love a little stroll around. Could you recommend a nice place for refreshment? Yeah. We should totally go for a drink and discuss this disappearing thing. There's a place across the river called the Axe and Crown. It's pretty cheap. And they won't mind too much if you're covered in, you know... Do they have cocoa? Uh, yeah. It's pretty cheap, and they won't mind too much if you're covered in, you know... Do they have cocoa?

Uh, yeah. It's called cocoa. Though I don't think there's any actual chocolate in it. Listen. Apparently there's a pub we should try. It's called... We're off! But Percy, this seems to be a magical land. It could be very exciting. Off! Now! I'm sorry, but it seems we have to leave. It's been a pleasure.

Wait, wait! You guys, come back! I want to disappear too! Guys! Wizardly guys! Dang it. I've been binging on audio dramas, trying to find them. Any leads? I searched every inch of Night Vale. Then, on my way to Desert Bluffs, I took a quick detour through Uncanny County, where Sheriff Rowland told me to check out Limetown, but there was no one there.

I don't know where to look next. Percy's been nothing but trouble. We should never have written him. Once we get him back into the script, let's delete him. Good idea. But we have to catch him first. A goat needs about two to four pounds of hay per day. Does that make every day a goat's hay day?

It's goat in... What the... heyday, it's goat, and bleh, mwah, what the Here. Blah! Chew on this. There you go chew on that hay while i attach this little gadget here behind your ear and in a moment you should be able to speak your mind so hi there dear. It's me again. It is day 9 mark 304, hour 0431. I'm conducting a little experiment today on one of my closest friends. Are you as excited as I am to see if this works? In a second now, I will be turning this machine on for the very first time. There. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey there, Daisy. Hey. Hey. Hey. Yes. Hey. Hey. Yes. Hey. Hey. Yes, hey.

Hey. Hey. I think that's enough greetings for now. Perhaps we should find another subject to talk about. Hey. M-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m Oh, perhaps you're saying hay. Well, I guess it's not that surprising that hay would be your first word. After all, most of your life has been spent chewing. And you've got a lot of milk to produce so that I can make some delicious feta cheese. Here you go. Munch on this.

So, Daisy, tell me, how is life with wool and hooves? Are you generally excited about what life has to offer? Do you ever have nightmares about being fed to a T-Rex? Or are you perhaps looking to expand your horizon, travel, see the world? What? Oh, another word. We're making progress. Where? Well, you're on the space station Kavatica.

More specifically, in the glasshouse pod. What? Who? How? You know, Daisy, I ask myself exactly those questions nearly every day. Why are you still bleeding? Hmm. The speech translator can't be working exactly as I planned.

I'm just going to have to adjust this. I left the flathead in the other room. Just a minute, Daisy. I will be right back. What the... I have hooves! What is this? Who am I? Where am I? Hi there. Percy? How are you doing?

Wait, it's you! You're a robot! I'm an AI. We're on a space station. I said somewhere on Earth, didn't I? I don't like sci-fi! This isn't just any sci-fi. You're starring in a spin-off series to one of the best sci-fi pod... erm... dramas out there. The spin-off is called... Goat in Space. It's set before the beginning of...

Girl in Space. Starring? I'm starring? Er, star in space. Starring? I'm starring? A star in space. Starring as who? The main character, Daisy. Everybody's favourite talking goat. I'm a goat? A talking goat.

I am a goat? Yes, In space. Space Adventures. Exploring the universe. Meeting aliens. It's dramatic. Action packed. Melancholy. Funny. I don't want to be a goat. Oral receptors malfunctioning. What? Oral receptors malfunctioning. Are you Oral receptors malfunctioning. Are you kidding me?

And look at the view. I am looking. And it's terrifying. It's just... It's just black. There's rough. It's spectacular. Listen, I want to feel the ground under my hooves.

Feet. Feet. I want feet again. This is not what I signed up for. Now please get us out of here. Oh, fine! No one's going to listen to this show anyway if you stick with that attitude. So much for everyone's favourite goat. How are you doing, Piff? Any luck yet?

I spent hours hanging around in Dr Bright's waiting room. In the end I got fed up and went to Piffling. Thought I might find them at Agatha Doyle's Broken Tooth, but no luck. I picked up some Memento Mori chocolates, though. Wait a minute. Chocolate? What? But that's how we get them back. We lure the interviewer back by name-dropping some really decadent chocolate. You think that'll work? If you make it irresistible enough. Can I use the word ambrosial? I've always wanted to use the word ambrosial. Sure. The cocoa was thick and velvety. Its ambrosial sent an overture to the celestial symphony of sweet bliss

waiting to enrapture the taste buds. This cocoa was the result of the combined wisdom of the most prestigious chocolatiers of Paris, Bruges, Basel and Vienna. I think I just heard something. Oh my god, I think it's them. I'll go get the door. Hello? Hello. Where are we? It's Paris. This is Paris? Well, it's the suburbs. Welcome. And who's he? He doesn't look trustworthy.

I dislike this genre already. Is that the ambrosial scent of cocoa hitting my nostrils? It sure is. We've just made a pot. Would you like some? I never say no to a good cup of the old chalky choc-choc. Oh, there must be better places to go, surely. Here we go. I've set out two cups right over there by the laptop.

Come on, Percy. Just one cup and then we can go wherever you... Gotcha! What do you mean, gotcha? You're back in our scripts. What? What's happening? Don't stress, Percy. Relax. Would you like some cocoa? Yes. With three spoonfuls of sugar please. Actually make that four. One, two, three, four. There you go. You better enjoy because I'm about to delete you.

No, you can't do that. Not after all I've been through. Get me out of here. Hey. Hey! Hey, are you listening to me? Good lord! This is the best written cocoa I've ever had! And that's the end of that. Oh good. It was getting exhausting. He was never satisfied. Now we can get this podcast back on track and focus on normal episodes. Not too normal, though. Normality is so boring.

Hey! Hey! Hey, get me out of here! Oh, I better empty the trash. There we go. That should do it. Now, you better get back to the office. Elvina's waiting for you. Can I take some of that? Take the whole pot. Oh, thank you.

Well, toodaloo. Ah! Ah! Gosh, don't just jump out at me like that. Sorry. There's a door. Next time, knock. Ooh, what are you eating? Scones?

May I have one? No! Oh. Scones are my cocoa. Where on earth have you been? It's a long story. Well, as you say yourself, there's always time for a story. You're absolutely right, Alvina.

But first, I want a scone. Here you go. Oh, goody. Now, are you sitting comfortably? Um, yes. Good. Because this is a tale of detectives and koalas and robots and magicians and murderous valets.

Good grief. All in one story? Sounds a little bit... overblown. It's a story about bogs and bazookas and bars and bedpans. It's a story about stars and spiders and space stations. It's a story about Norwegians and Australians and witches and goats and writers and girls in space. And most importantly, it's a story about... Coco. We hope you enjoyed this World Audio Drama Day special. This episode is dedicated to the audio drama community

and featured some of our favourite shows, including Victoriousity, Alba Salix, Love and Luck, and Girl in Space. Check out these brilliant shows wherever you get your podcasts. You can listen to a special extended version of this episode by becoming a patron of the Amelia Project and pledging just a few dollars per episode. Go to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast. That's patreon p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash Amelia podcast, all one word, to make your pledge, support the show, and listen to an extended version of this episode, which sees Percy and the interviewer end up in some other genres,

such as a medical drama, a fantasy movie, and more. The Amelia Project is created by Philip Thorne and Oistein Breger, with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. This episode featured Tom Midler as Percy, Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Tanya Milejevic as the voice of Grand Character Central, Jen Sugden as Miss Wolverton, Chris Sugden as Chief Inspector Keller, Julian Sark as Magnus,

Erin Kian as Jason, Lee Davis-Thalbourne as Kane, Sarah Werner as X, and Julia C. Thorne as Alvina. The Victoriousity theme is composed by John Owen, the Alba Salix theme is composed by Eli McElveen, and the Girl in Space theme is Sad Past by Silent Partner. Graphic design by Anders Piresen, and a big thank you to Dominic Hargreaves and Gabriel Geber for recording assistance. You can find full credits on our website and you can get in touch with us on Twitter where we're at Amelia again soon. Well, have you finished?

What do you think? Well, Pip sounds like a Dickens rip-off. And Hoystein? Yes. Well, come on, that just sounds plain wrong. Well, I couldn't get those characters to work anyway.

You know what? I think I'll just delete them. Good idea. Maybe I'll try my hand at a novel next. We're going through a dry period, I know. But I'm sure we'll have a new case for you to put your mind to soon. It's just a question of time. Or poetry. Nurse, do you know what, Alvina? I should write poetry. Oh, how about painting? Oh, God, no. Or cooking? Cooking? Collecting

stamps? I've collected all the stamps, Alvina. I am so bored. Taxidermy? Well, I... Sport? Sport. Oh, good God, were you serious? Oh, thank God. Network where fiction producers flourish. So now what am I supposed to believe? Is any of this for real? Well, it looks to me like you're trying to hide. Yeah, my mom always said don't trust anybody. Maybe they'd want to know where you're hiding out tonight. Thank you for returning my license, Joseph. That ding-dang detective told you. But she was married, you know.

Stop being a little prick. Do you have your doubts? All right, kids. Say goodbye to Uncle Joseph. I'll handle it. Whoa, whoa, whoa there, buddy. Just saying how sorry we are to hear about your parents. Why is she talking about you having a mustache? Do you want to take a walk?

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