The Amelia Project - Episode 13 - Klaus - Christmas Special

Episode Date: December 14, 2018

“If I’m not out of here by Christmas... I’ll be dead.” Episode 13, Season 1, Christmas Special. With: Alan Burgon, Joshua Manning, Julia C. Thorne, Gianluca Iumento, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa and Liv Marie Skaare Baden. Written by Oystein U. Brager. Story editing by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Summer's here, and you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. See app for details.

Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead. You can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project.

This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. If you continue, there's no way back. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you don't hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Ho, ho, ho! Have you been naughty or have you been nice? Sorry, old habit. I hope your services extend to just south of the North Pole. If I'm not out of here by Christmas, I'll be dead. Oh, please call me back. Oh, and Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good... Holy pretzel! The Amelia Project by Philip Thorne and Oysen Braga with music and sound design by Frederik Baden.

Klaus. A Christmas Special. There you are. Come on in and close the door. It's freezing out there. I'm making some cocoa to warm us up. Competitory coming too. Oh, you've brought a friend. Your friend is a reindeer? Yes Petteri Punakwane. His nose has a weird sort of... Is that... You probably know him better as Rudolph. Well stuff me like a turkey you flew here on your sleigh no I have a Volvo oh would you

mind switching that off the music yes it's festive exactly if you wish oh that's better now how about that cocoa can Petri have some too reindeer drink cocoa this one does two cups and a bowl would you like a gingerbread man to go with that? No. I covered them with icing sugar and brandy frosting. I don't like brandy. You don't?

No. Oh. He won't, um, poop inside, will he? He's potty trained. Actually, he'll probably fall asleep right about...now. I must say, it's a real honour to meet you, Mr Claus. My youngest niece would like a for-real friend's blazing dragon. Ugh, children.

I'm sorry? Is this where you do all your interviews? In a caravan? Gosh, no. Special measures for special clients. I put up some baubles and tinsel to make you feel at home. So I see. Can I be honest? You're not how I expected.

What were you expecting? Well, aren't you supposed to be as jolly as jelly and as happy as ham? I mean, it's almost Christmas! Oh, I know. You're Santa and it's almost Christmas! Ho, ho, ho. Oh, sorry, I hate that laugh. Why so glum?

You don't actually believe in him, do you? Excuse me? You are aware Santa isn't real? You're trying to disprove your own existence. You think I'm really Santa? Well, you live at the North Pole and look like a marshmallow covered in cranberry sauce, so yes. I'm a fake. I don't believe you. That's one impressive beard. It's got to be. Ouch. Sorry, had to check. The beard is real. Alva made me grow

it. It's itchy and hell to wash. I go through so much shampoo. Alva? My husband. What about Mrs. Claus? She's an actress. You're telling me I drove all the way out here skidding on black ice and getting caught in snowdrifts just to see some supermarket Santa? Why didn't you just come by plane? You have an airport? Anyway, I'm not just some supermarket Santa.

I'm THE supermarket Santa. And a supermarket? Here? You don't know what Ravagnemi is famous for? Forests? Aurora Borealis? Alcoholism? The Ravagnemi Santa Claus village. The world's most famous Christmas theme park. Toboggan tours, a reindeer petting zoo, a restaurant serving only milk and cookies. I thought you said... And at the centre of it all, Santa's supermarket. Do you sell the board game Operation? I still haven't got a present for Kozlowski.

We sell everything, from spinning tops to t-shirts saying, I'm not Santa, but you can still sit on my lap. Perfect. It's just 24 hours to Christmas and I don't have a single gift. I'm saved. I'm screwed. Sorry? Look, if I'm not back at the grotto before the Christmas bells chime, Alva will blow my brains out. Your husband, Alva?

Yes. I think you'd better tell me your story. There's no time. I need to disappear. It's almost Christmas. Exactly! Christmas! If there's one time of the year when we all need to just slow down and tell a good story... Normally that's the story of Jesus. I'd rather hear why your husband is after you with a shotgun. Alvar's not a bad man.

He sounds charming. But he loves money. Reindeer farming wasn't going to make us rich, so he came up with a plan. Exploit the Santa myth. Build a billion dollar entertainment complex based on overpriced punch, underpaid elves, and pure pester power.

I thought it was crazy. Who was going to trek all the way out here to pay 15 euro for a key ring that says, I heart Santa. I was wrong. They came in droves. So you're rich. I'm richer than Mrs. Claus's gravy. Well, pull me like a cracker. And you're the Santa who presides over it all?

I am. Couldn't Alva have got someone with a little more Christmas cheer? Alva doesn't care about Christmas cheer. He just cares about lining his pockets. He likes money coming in, not money going out. He didn't want to hire a Santa, so he got me to do it, and I fit the part. I grew my beard,

got fitted for a red velvet suit, and became the star of the show. Ho, ho, ho. I can't remember how I used to laugh. Your life doesn't sound too bad. You're rich. It's Christmas every day, and you look enviably good in red. I'm sick and tired of Christmas dinner.

If we could serve Vindaloo only one day of the year, but no. It's Brussels sprouts and reindeer steak until you want to stab yourself with an axe-a-cow. Reindeer steak? Don't ask. But what about the children? Don't you get any satisfaction from the happy glint in their eyes? Ha! I know swear words in 257 languages. The children swear at you?

No, the parents. Last night, I asked this girl what she wanted for Christmas, and she said she wanted a pet unicorn. I dispatched one of my elves to the cuddly toy section to get a unicorn, but when it arrived, she explained she wanted a real unicorn. When I told her that would be difficult, she started to scream. Her mother burst into the grotto and told me to give the girl whatever she wanted immediately. You should put that mum on the naughty list.

I should have. But instead, I whacked her over the head with my sack. You what? I whacked her over the head with my sack. Then I bolted. Impressive. Stupid. Two weeks ago, Alva installed a Santa cam in the grotto.

The whole incident was live-streamed and trending within minutes. Hashtag Santa loses it. Oh, I'll have to look that up. Oh, good lord. You know the saying, all publicity is good publicity? Yes. It's bollocks. Visitors are cancelling their flights.

We're sitting on thousands of cookies going stale. We have a warehouse of toys to get rid of and an army of elves to pay. Our revenue is plummeting and Alvar is furious. He wants me to come back before Christmas Eve to apologize via the Santa cam. And if you don't come back before the deadline? It's a literal deadline. He'll track me down and blow my head off. No, he won't. Yes, he will. No. Yes. Well, I'll be jitterbugged. The freezing temperatures here seem to make people hot-headed. Listening to Santa Baby on endless loop for 365 days a year is enough to drive anyone loopy. Why don't you just go back and apologize? Because I'm done with this. I no longer want to be the ultimate symbol of greed. I want to shave. I want to eat burritos and listen to neuro-funk. I want to get as far away from Christmas as possible.

What did you have in mind? Do you want to perish in a slaying accident? Get trampled on by reindeer? Be snowballed to death? I want my death to mean something. Ooh, you want to make a statement. I want to take the Santa village down with me. I thought you'd already taken care of that. What? By whacking that poor lady over the head. Oh, by next Christmas the visitors will all come flocking back. You think?

Elva is good at turning these things around. Nobody remembers the Elf Strike of 2017 anymore, do they? No. I want to finish this place off for good. And for that, we need something dramatic. Well, whatever we do, it'll have to be quick. I have to be back in time for Christmas pudding. It's my one Christmas wish.

Can you please make it come true? Well, if there's anyone who can make wishes come true, it's... Amelia! I was going to say Santa. But seeing as you're so hell-bent on destroying Christmas... Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I want to save Christmas. I want to release it from Alva's greedy grip. Well,

a spot of Christmas mayhem does sound fun. Oh, it seems Arctic Anger Syndrome is catching up with me too. You have something in mind? Tick-tock through a rock, kiss a monkey in a frock. Aha! Do you ever open letters from kids?

You mean wish lists? Yes. I respond to every single one. Good. You'll tell Alva you'll do whatever it takes to mitigate the damage. But... You'll deliver a heartfelt apology to the Santa Cam. Just as you finish, Joey, disguised as an elf, comes over to you with a tray full of mail. You open the first letter, which turns out to be from a disgruntled kid from the Naughty List who has filled the envelope with Bastrachlo-Strico-My-Diddly-Toxin. What? Won't that kill me for real?

We'll use icing sugar. Icing sugar? I only used half the pack for the gingerbread men. You're sure you won't have one? You think Alva's capitalist empire can be brought down with icing sugar? If you retch convincingly enough. I'll think of Brussels sprouts. Perfect! I need you coughing and spluttering, shaking the letter at the Santa can. Alva will sound the alarm. The elves and visitors will run for their lives. And you'll hop on to Rudolph and charge off in a cloud of icing sugar. I like it. The park will be cordoned off and by the time everything is declared safe, the damage will be

done. The park may not be contaminated, but its reputation will be. And what will happen to me and Petteri? You'll charge over a frozen lake and break through the surface. Alvar will find your hat and your sack next to a hole in the ice. Oh, poor Alvar. He'll be distraught. I don't think we have to worry about his feelings. He sounds like a nasty piece of... I'd like to leave him a present. What? Something to remember me by. But I thought you hated him.

Oh, he has his faults. He's greedy and he's a bit trigger-happy, but I love him. Oh. I... very well. He'll find a gift in your sack, a parting token. An open-country stalker rifle with his name engraved on it. He'll love that. What about you? What would you like to do in your new life? I was thinking I could be a thief. You'd need to lose some weight, and we'd have to make you a bit more nimble. Why a thief?

I've spent all my life giving things away. I think it's about time I took something back. I thought you were against greed. I'll steal expensive toys from rich kids. Teach them a lesson. And give them to the poor. What? No.

I was just going to steal them. Oh. And give them to the poor. What? No, I was just going to steal them. Oh. Although, I guess there is something romantic about that. You've already been Santa. Now you can come back as... Robin Hood! No tights, though. I don't do tights.

What about Petteri? You want to take him? If I don't, they'll make him into Christmas roast. Hmm. I fear dragging around a red-nosed reindeer might be a giveaway. Can't you give him plastic surgery? He could become a horse. Well, Kozlovsky can work miracles.

And I'm sure he'd find some bizarre use for the red nose. Maybe that could be his Christmas present. Oh, all right then. Bring Rudolph. After all, it's only Christmas once a year. Not in Rovaniemi. Here it's Christmas all year round. Not for long.

Let's pop open the champagne. Oh, bugger. It's frozen. Oh well, never mind. Merry Christmas. Do I have to say it? Yes. But it'll be the last time, I promise.

Go on, you know you want to. Merry Christmas. Oh, all right. Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! Merry Christmas! I Christmas! Merry Christmas! I almost thought you wouldn't make it back from the North Pole in time. Are you kidding? I wouldn't miss Christmas pudding for the world.

No, no, not the pudding. It's tradition. No, per favore, pietà. Ugh, Italians just don't get Christmas, do they? Before we tuck in, we should pull these crackers. They're from Luke. Luke? Oh, why isn't Luke with us? Oh, he's very happy in Blood Manor, jangling his chains like the ghost of Christmas past.

And what about Kozlovsky? Where's Kozlovsky? I have a present for Kozlovsky. He's spending Christmas in the basement. Wants to start operating on that reindeer right away. Well, we should at least bring down a plate of mince pies. Shall we pull Luke's crackers? Mm-hmm. Everyone ready? Okay.

Uno, due, tre! Go! Go! Oh, it's just bad. Come on, it's just bad. Okay, okay. Easy, easy.

Tranquilo, tranquilo. Remind me never to accept a gift from Luke again! Out! Out! Shoo! Disgusting little creatures! Close the window! It's freezing! It would blow me like a blizzard! Alvina! Joey! Salvatore! Look! It's snowing! Hey, snow! Salvatore, let's go out and have a snowball fight!

You're going to lose so bad! I'm going to hit you so hard you're going to think it's Rocky Marciano. Shall we open some cards? Oh, yes. What's this? It's not a card, it's... It's your present. Oh.

Brought it straight from Rovaniemi. I see. It's... It's your present. Oh. Brought it straight from Rovaniemi. I see. It's... It's... Yes? What is it? What do you think it is? Soggy wrapping paper?

It's a snowball. Sorry about the wrapping. I've never been good at wrapping round presents. And ones that melt. Do you like it? It's... It's not just any snowball. It's a snowball from the North Pole.

It's a lovely idea. It's ludicrous. Well, yes, but, you know, it's sweet. Of course, a snowball. Oh, there you go. Happy Christmas, it's a snowball. You're silly. Sometimes. So? So, here's your real present. Oh, thank you. What is it? It's a voucher. A voucher? Yes. For afternoon tea at Claridge's. Wow! I know. I know how overworked you've been lately.

So I was thinking a nice tea for two? With scones? Finger sandwiches? All the trimmings? It's perfect! My sister is coming next week. I can go with her. I was actually...

I love it. Thank you so much. I'm glad you like it. I won. It was a draw. Carols. Shall we sing some carols? Yes.

Deck the Halls. Oh, my favourite. Deck the halls with boughs of holly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Tis the season to be jolly, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Don we now our gay apparel, fa-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. Troll the ancient yuletide carol, fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. Lovely, lovely. Cool Tide carols. Fa la la la la, la la la la. Lovely, lovely. Joey!

Fa la la la. hope you enjoyed this christmas special we released the first episode of The Amelia Project last December, which means our podcast is now officially one year old. So next year, we enter our second year, our toddler stage, and we plan to release season two. But in order to do so, we need your help. If you enjoy this show and want to keep it going, please consider becoming a patron. You can pledge whatever amount you want, $1, $2, $5, and you'll only be charged whenever we release a full episode. Think of it like buying a nice cup of cocoa whenever we release an episode. like buying a nice cup of cocoa whenever we release an episode. Simply go to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast.

That's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash Amelia podcast to sign up and make your pledge. You'd be making our Christmas. This episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was written and directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger. Edited by Einstein Breger with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. It featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Joshua Manning as Klaus, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina,

Gianluca Jumiento as Joey and Ravdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore. Massive thanks to Battlebird Productions for letting us use their studio and to Headley Knights for engineering. Check out Battlebird Productions'

brilliant space comedy We Fix Space Junk. We also recommend you check out the wonderful podcast rom-com Deck the Halls with Matrimony, which is bound to fill you with Christmas cheer. You can listen to both those shows wherever podcasts can be found. Thanks for listening, and hope to be back next year.

Mmm. Well, roast me like a chestnut. This is the best pud I've ever tasted. Mmm. Joey? Joey? What's happening? The puddin'! The puddin'! Don't be ridiculous. It's choking on a pound coin!

Oh my God! Alvina, do something! Me? How should I? Slap him on the back, Salvatore! Hard! Why did you put the corn in it, you idiots? It's tradition! Cazzo! Next time we're having panettone! Or...

Pandoro... Panforte. Sì. Oh, Torta Senese. Bravo, bravo. Oh, Torta della Nonna. Benissimo. Oh, Colomba.

Oh, mamma mia.