The Amelia Project - Episode 15 - The Rejects

Episode Date: July 26, 2019

“There's a tape here marked ‘NOT AMELIA MATERIAL’.” Episode 15, Season 2. With: Alan Burgon, Julia C. Thorne, Joseph Grimaldi, Beth Crane, James Oliva, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa and Julia Morizawa. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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So go ahead, you can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Hello Amelia listeners, this is Alan. Hello from Scotland and thank you very much for listening to the Amelia podcast. It means so much to us. here today. and more and more. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up.

Now. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back. Small-time crooks and people trying to cash in on their life insurance. So dull. I don't waste my time with that kind of thing. I only take on cases that capture my imagination.

It seems you're bringing me a domestic squabble and, well, they're usually so boring. You'll hear me out anyway. Well, they're usually so boring. You'll hear me out anyway. An involuntary disappearance. Interesting. Oh, I'm glad you find my ordeal interesting. Oh, you should.

If I wasn't interested, I'd send you packing. That's what this is about. Assessing if your case is of interest. So you'll help me? That depends. On what? Your story. My story? At Amelia, we collect stories. And in return, you'll help me? If I like your story, yes. Oh, now I'm nervous. Have some more

cocoa. It'll help you relax. Hmm. What are you thinking? He's helped everyone we've listened to. We think he's bluffing. They're not as picky as he pretends. Or we haven't heard the tapes of the rejects yet. How many tapes before we make a move?

Yeah, we need to establish the full picture. We don't want any surprises when we go in. How, uh... How are you sleeping? Sorry? Since we've started this Amelia business. How have you been sleeping? Yeah, not much.

I lie awake thinking what the next tape will bring. You? I have nightmares. What kind of nightmares? Last week I had a dream about Koslovsky switching our brains around. You wish. Yesterday I had one about being fired out of a cannon and landing in hell. Speaking of hell, should we have another coffee?

When are they going to get that machine fixed? We've been drinking instant for a week. Was that a yes? I could do with a caffeine. I'll go make some. Then let's get back to the tapes. Hmm. The billy's scratched the surface.

Huh. What? There's a tape here marked Not Amelia Material All in capital letters Aha You think it's a tape of the rejects? Only one way to find out Here's your coffee, Cole

Thanks Careful, it's hot Play? Play Only one way to find out. Here's your coffee, Carl. Thanks. Careful, it's hot. Play? Play. Still shite. Still shite. Thank you. The Emilia Project by Philip Thorne and Oysen Braga with music and sound design by Frederik Baden. Episode 15. The Rejects.

Who's next? If you'd looked at the case file, you wouldn't have to ask. I like to be surprised. It's Etienne Duclos. Who? Etienne Duclos. You know, the mime. What was his message? He didn't leave one.

He didn't leave a message? Well, considering he's a mime, it would have been rather difficult for him. Why does he want to disappear? You'll have to ask him. Come in. Ah, bonjour, Monsieur Duclos. Comment ça va? Welcome to Emilia, Monsieur Duclos.

Big fan of your work. Watch out, Alvina. He's removing the flower from his lapel. That means he's going to squirt you. He's a mime artist, not a kid's clown. Oh, look how sweet. He's giving me the rose. Don't take it. I'm warning you, Alvina. Thank you. How nice.

Mmm, it smells lovely. No, thank you. No, thank you. Okay, now stop clutching your heart and blowing kisses and let's get down to business, shall we? Why do you want to disappear? You haven't offered him cocoa yet. Est-ce que vous aimez du chocolat chaud? Brilliant! Brilliant!

It looks exactly like he's drinking from a real cup. It's so precise. Yes, a simple nod would have sufficed. Whoa, watch it! You're going to get cocoa all over my... So good. So good. It was like I could see the cup shattering. Oh, come on. You must admit that was amazing.

I thought it was rather foolish. I'll go get some cocoa. But I don't want to miss the show. Cocoa! We need an assistant. Stop hitting on Alvina. It's pathetic. Yes, that's right. Pathetic. There, I said it. Mimes are pathetic. I'm not scared of you, you white-faced joker. You tongue-tied jester. You cliched fool. You... What are you doing? Don't come any closer. You stop right there.

Alvina! You weren't expecting that, were you? No. I took lessons at École Jacques Lecoq back in the day. I can mime a glass wall like the best of them. That's right. You can't penetrate this glass wall. Oi, what are you doing?

Not very precise, that one. Can't tell if it's supposed to be a stick or a tennis racket or a... Baseball bat! It's a baseball bat! Stop running at my... You smashed my wall, you brutal buffoon! Hey, careful with... You put down those shards, you put them down, you put... Coco!

Where are you? Here, behind the desk. What are you doing on the floor? Alvina, he shattered my glass wall with a baseball bat and then he started slashing me with the shards. What are you talking about? He's evil. That's one evil mime.

Oh, look. He's doing another dance and offering me a box of... Don't trust him. What's that supposed to be? It's aime. Oh, look. He's doing another dance and offering me a box of... Don't trust him. What's that supposed to be? It's a trick. Oh, chocolates. It's not. So sweet.

Alvina, I want that creepy frog out of my office right now. Gosh. I've never seen you this irate. No! All right, all right. So sorry about that, Monsieur Duclos. You'll have to try one of the other agencies. On the bright side, this is when I usually have to threaten rejects into secrecy,

but I think with you we can rely on your silence, right? Welcome to Amelia. Thanks. Alison? Ali. Ah. Welcome to Amelia. Thanks.

Alison? Ali. Ah. And that's... That's Tom. He's your... Husband, yes. Right. Is he just going to sleep through this?

I hope so. Why? Because I put eight sleeping tablets in his tea. You drugged him? He mustn't know we're here. Good Lord. Why ever not? I want you to make him disappear. Can you do that?

Without his consent. Is that a problem? We only take on voluntary disappearances. Why? Because ethics. No one will miss him. Oh, for God's sake. He doesn't really have any friends.

I don't have time for this. Nobody likes him. Still. I was hoping you could make it look like he got flattened by a bus or something. Can't do that, sorry, no. And set him up with a new life in Panama. He really likes canals. Get out.

Out, out, out, out, out! All right, all right! Unbelievable. Alvina, I just had a lady in here who wanted me to make her husband disappear without his knowledge. I know. Well, I told her it was against our ethics. Now, about the motorway pile-up this afternoon. We've reinforced the Cadillac's bumper with a steel bar so it should smash right through that Twingo.

I can't wait. I just need to make some final calculations to determine the speed for maximum impact. I'm going to need some cocoa for that. Can't do maths without cocoa. Bring some with extra cream, please. Oh, and Alvina, you're going to have to remove the sleeping man from my office. Come in. Ah, Alex.

Take a seat. Is it safe in here? In here? You're safer than a Swiss franc in a Zurich bank vault. Please, take a seat. Oh, shit. Two Cocos. Oh, lovely jubbly.

Where is he? Who? The client. Alex? Oh, he's in the wardrobe. He's in the wardrobe? Yes. Why?

I think he's scared. Of me? I think so. Huh. Well, I'd better go then. Yes. Toodle-oo. And next time, make your own cocoa! Your cocoa? What did you say?

Your cocoa. Oh, speak up, I can hardly hear you Can't you just come out? Nobody's allowed to know that I'm here So you're staying in there? I think it's safer this way Very well Two cocos for me What? I just said Two cocos for me. Ah.

What? I just said... Ah. Huh? I just said... Ah. What? I just said...

God, never mind. What brings you here, Alex? I can't tell you. Then how can I help you? You'll judge me. Alex, you'd be surprised at the stories I've heard in this room. You won't judge me? God, no.

Huh? No! Okay. Here goes. Wait! I need to get comfortable for this. What am I sitting on? Okay, shoot. Okay.

So, uh, here goes. I... I... I... put my wife through a wood chipper. You what? I put my wife through a wood chipper. No, no, no, no. I heard you. It's just, um, I, um... It was a silly thing to do.

I suppose I should ask you why you put your wife through a wood chipper. Because she was a witness. A witness? Yes. She saw me dispose of Katie. Oh, good Lord. Katie was threatening to tell

my wife about the affair. So I had no choice but to dispose of her. But then my wife about the affair. So I had no choice but to dispose of her. I, uh... But then my wife walks in, just as I'm shoving Katie into the fireplace. So I put my wife through the woodchip. But then the bell goes,

and there's this dude from next door asking what all the screaming's about. I tell him my wife stepped on a thumbtack. He asks about the blood on my jeans, and I can't really think of an explanation for that, so I have to get rid of him too. I thought a quick plunge of the kitchen knife would do it, but he's tough. Rather than bleeding to death quietly on the floor, he jumps out the window, drags himself down the street, and screams bloody murder. So now everyone knows. And before you suggest disposing of the entire neighborhood, I've already thought

of that, but something on that scale requires planning and I don't have the time. They're after me. I'm screwed. And all because my wife walks in on me cremating Katie. Such bad luck. Oh, yes. You know what? I might have some of that cocoa after all. This has got me

All stressed out No, no, no, no Alex, Alex, Alex Stay in there, you have to It's not safe out here I think I can hear someone Oh, shit Hey, what are you doing?

Alvina, help, help Help, Alvina, there's a psychopath in my wardrobe Oh, did you Did you just happen to What are you doing? Alvina, help, help. Help, Alvina, there's a psychopath in my wardrobe. Oh, did you just happen to lock the door? Um, safer that way. Safer that way. I don't want to take any... I can hear footsteps. Oh, okay.

Just tell me when the coast is clear, yeah? Will do. It's pretty hot and stuffy in here. Alvina, he's like the love child of Norman Bates and Lady Macbeth. Not boring, then. You got us into this, Alvina. Now get us out. I got us into this? Can I come out yet?

Yes, you're supposed to research clients so we don't... I don't know, invite someone in here who might chop us into pieces and bake us in a pie. I'm having difficulty breathing. I'm supposed to do the background checks? Yes. Welcome the clients to the office? Draw up their contracts? Yes.

Bribe them into secrecy? And make your bloody cocoa? Yes! It's too much! Oh, fuck. What was that? I think he just fainted. We better open that door.

No! No, Alvina, he's a killer! He kills people! Don't open that... Is he... I think you just killed him. Oh. Hmm. Well, rightio. That's that sorted then Good timing actually Kozlovsky needs a replacement corpse for the Langsbury disappearance

And Walter at the morgue can't get one till tomorrow Good Shall we bring him straight to the basement then? You take the head and I'll take the feet Careful We so need an assistant But we've got you Careful! We so need an assistant. But we've got you.

Ah! I thought they had assistants. Whatever happened to Joey and Salvatore? They quit. They got fired. Is there a date on the tape? October 2012. Before the other tapes we've been listening to then? So, before Joey and Salvatore joined? Presumably. How far back do you think these tapes go? I mean, how many years are we talking? Difficult to say.

They're all jumbled up. 2015, 2019, 2001... 1986. We'll need to establish a timeline. Do you think we should pay them a visit? Pretend to be clients? No, we can get all the information we need from these tapes. When we turn up at Amelia, it'll be with a SWAT team,

not with a fake moustache and wigs. I just think it might be useful to actually... You just want to taste that cocoa. Oh, look. This tape's November 2012. That leads right on from where we left. Shall we? First thing tomorrow morning. It's past midnight.

We should get some sleep. Sleep. Too much coffee? No. It's just I know what I'll be dreaming about. Mad mimes and murderers. And who knows what it'll be tomorrow. This could go anywhere. Well, see you tomorrow then.

See you tomorrow. Oh, and Cole. Yeah? Happy nightmares. Want to listen to the follow-up to this episode and find out what happens when the interviewer and alvina drag alex out of the office well by supporting us on patreon you can do just that simply go to patreon.com slash amelia podcast that's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash Amelia podcast to make your pledge. A cocoa slurping thank you to Kati Zindela. Your contribution really makes a difference. And thank you to all our wonderful patrons. And now to Julia for the credits.

This episode was written and edited by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga, with music and sound design by Frederik Barden. It featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Joseph Grimaldi as Etienne Duclos, Beth Crane as Ali, James Oliva as Alex, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Torgny

G. Ondero as Agent Cole and Julia Morozawa on the answer phone. Folly Work by Torgny G. Ondero. The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded by Battlebird Productions London and Nitro Studios Oslo, with

studio engineering by Headley Knights. All graphic design for the Emilia project is by Anders Pedersen. Follow us on Twitter, where we're at Emilia underscore podcast. Tell us how you'd like to disappear. Share your favourite cocoa recipe with us, or simply say hi. See you soon. Hello, and it's lovely to be back. Einstein, do you want to tell the listeners where we are right now?

Absolutely. I mean, we've recorded season two all over the place. There's been recordings done in Vienna, in Oslo. Right now we are in London recording a couple of episodes. And right now we're here together with the lovely Beth Crane. Hello. Hey. And you might recognise Beth's voice from this very episode where she played Ali. Yeah, so we're recording a good chunk of this season with

Battlebird Productions. Battlebird Productions is Beth Crane and Hedley Knights. And they also produce the brilliant audio drama We Fix Space Junk, which is an absolutely fantastic show. Beth, do you want to talk a bit about we fix space junk yes thank you uh we fix space junk is the story of two female repairmen barreling around the galaxy fixing things and generally trying not to get killed in the process and it's a lot of fun i listened to the first episode and i immediately texted eyestone saying you have to listen to this uh to this show um so yeah everybody go and download we fix space junk and we'll see you back in two weeks bye bye bye i i i hate being on mic and yet we keep writing ourselves into our own show i know why you do that it's like a sad yeah it's just a I actually I like being

I'm oh yeah you're in your show all the time I play Kilner but you do but you write your own stuff I like having scripts I think you're an

audio masochist I think that's yeah that's right yeah that's right okay cool let's do one more one more time okay

yes it's my own show and I'm like what do they do? The Fable and Falling Network, where fiction producers flourish. Edgar said to the interviewer, he was convinced that the thing out there wasn't a vault. Yeah, I know what he thought. Dr. Edgar's didn't think it was designed to keep things out.

I know what he thought. He thought it was designed to keep something in. Do you even understand the difficulty of trying to keep a base like Fathom at the bottom of the ocean from killing everyone in it on a daily basis? Oh my god. Everyone hold on to something! I think whatever is on the other side of that door out there, it's not friendly. I think it's trying to get out. That, my friend, is a dire combination. That's a bad sign.

Get out of the door! It's spreading like some kind of technological contagion. We can either stop it here or watch the world burn. Fathom, the first season of Derelict. Listen wherever you get your podcasts