The Amelia Project - Episode 16 - The Italians

Episode Date: August 9, 2019

“You'll be sleeping with the fishes.” Episode 16, Season 2. With: Alan Burgon, Julia C. Thorne, Gianluca Iumiento, Ravdeep Singh Bajwa, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Stanley Kuschick and Julia Morizawa. Written and directed by Oystein U. Brager. Story editing by Philip Thorne. Music and sound design by Fredrik Baden. Violin performed by Øyvind Bjorå. For full credits see our website. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand. It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country. And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 Plus glasses for just $9.99. So go ahead. You can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life. Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today. Because the Skip app saves you so much time by delivering stuff like your favorite cool treats, groceries, and bevvies, you get more time to have the best summer ever. Like riding roller coasters, learning to water ski, applying sunscreen to your dad's back.

Ah! Yep, definitely the best summer ever. Squeeze more summer out of summer with Skip. Did somebody say Skip? Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now.

You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back. The choice is yours. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour.

If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. I'm just calling to say I didn't get your Maltesers after all. The Beetle broke down. Again. This time on the A1. I was terrified someone was going to pull over and help me, or worse, call the AA.

It's taken me three hours to fix the engine, and now the replacement corpse in the trunk has started to smell, so I have to go all the way back to Walter to get another one. I won't get any of my office work done today. We really, really, really need an assistant! Thank you. The Amelia Project, created by Philip Thorne and Oystein Braga, with music and sound design by Frederick Barden. Episode 16. The Italians. Oh, morning oh morning cole how did you sleep look what i brought more instant coffee ah but this is weight gross instant whole bean barista blend i'll put the kettle on uh we're out of milk you'll take it black. I'll just call Nancy to bring some. Nancy's on leave.

You're joking. No. Who's replacing her? Nobody. Cutbacks. What? They don't fix the coffee machine and now they don't even bother to replace Nancy. This place is going to the dogs. So you'll take it black? I suppose.

Okay, let's try. What did you call it? Waitrose Instant Whole Bean Barista Blend. This one's for you. Thanks. What do you think? Just tastes like instant coffee, doesn't it? You mean like shite?

I'm sure that'll fix the machine soon. I wouldn't hold my breath. Anyway, we've got something to take our minds off it. Who do you think's next? We've had cult leaders, AIs, time travellers. I reckon next up it'll be the Loch Ness Monster. Well, whoever it is, I bet you a million quid it'll be interesting. You'll forget the Sainsbury's Instant Barista Blend in a second.

Wait, Rose. Huh? Not Sainsbury's. Wait, Rose. This one's one pound more. Whatever. Shall we? Let's. So, why do you need to disappear?

We just, um, want to. You just want to. Ahem. And what about you, madam? Anything to add? No. No. No. Nice shoes. Sorry.

Sorry. Just couldn't keep my eyes open. You see, we don't accept cases that aren't interesting. And Oz isn't? No, sorry about that. Not the problem. So if you would please leave? No, we need to disappear. Security!

Security! Alvina! Yes? Ah, Alvina. Would you be so kind as to escort this lovely couple out of here? They're so boring. I was actually busy. You were? Yes.

Doing something? Yes. Oh. Do you mind, though? Why can't you do it? I'm busy, too. Doing what? Interviewing. Time to skedaddle.

Chop, chop. But me and my wife, we just want to, you know... You don't want me to get out the pepper spray, do you? Oh, shit. Yes. Go on, Alvina. Wait, wait. I need a pack of Maltesers for this. No, no, we're going.

Oh. Katzo. Shh! You could still run after them and spray them from behind. You owe me a million quid. What? You said, I bet you a million quid it'll be interesting. That was dull.

Even Amelia has slow days, I guess. You think it'll be all downhill from here? Maybe all the interesting tapes are at the top. Yeah, perhaps we've just had a lucky streak. I actually think this coffee is worse than the office brand. You should have spent that extra quid on milk. Shall I get some? It's undrinkable without it.

While you're at it, could you make a copy of this? I've started putting together a timeline of all the tapes we've been through. You want me to use the photocopier? Yeah, I told you, Nancy's away. Have you ever used that photocopier? What do you mean? Have you ever used that photocopier? What do you mean?

It's a smart copier with more features than a spaceship. Well, at least one area they're not cutting back on. I tried copying a case file. It got hole-punched through the middle and stapled together on all four sides. How did you manage that? I tried copying a top-secret memo. It got sent to every single printer in the building. Oh, shit. What did you do?

I ran around Tam's house like Usain Bolt, tearing documents from every single printer. Did eight floors in ten minutes. Lost two pounds that day. Oh, Jenny must have been happy. Hey. That copier has it in for me. Well, Nancy's gone for the month,

so you'd better make your peace with it. It's just one page. You'll be fine. I'll keep listening. Well, if it gets interesting, you stop and you wait for me. All right, Carl. Come in.

Help! Help! Help! Help! Well, throw me like a lasso. Cowboys! They're after us. They sure are. Who's after you? Aliens.

Aliens? Yes, sir. They're gonna kill us. That's wonderful! How exciting! Oh, my goodness! Please, tell me more. As you can see from our uniforms, we are U.S. military.

Oh, I thought you were cowboys. I am General Antonio Bandana. Antonio Bandana. And this is my second-in-command, Major... Elon Musk. He's got the same name as the millionaire. A freaky coincidence. Anyway, we were conducting secret experiments at a UFO crash site

when suddenly the mothership appears and beams us up. You were abducted? Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Abducted and experimented on. But we managed to escape. And we took some of their alien technology with us. They didn't like that. Oh no sir. So they came after us. We've been on the run from these three armed monsters ever since. Will you help us

disappear? Oh no no no no no no it's you again isn't it? You came here yesterday. Posing as a couple. Oh, cazzo. È colpa tua. Ai, ma no. Ma sei tu che ci hai sgamato, cazzo. Out, out, out, out, out, out, out, out. Sorry, but you said if we bring you an interesting story. Yes, but I don't want to lie.

Please, mister, we really do need your help. I don't help people who lie. Alvino! You're in a desperate situation. Please I don't help people who lie. Alvina! You're in a desperate situation. Please. Don't care. Too late. What's going on?

He's got his fingers in his ears. I'm sorry, gentlemen, but that means he's made up his mind. If you would follow me... Fine, fine. We'll leave. What are we going to do now? I don't know. What do you think, Eric? Let's see what they have in the photocopier. I was joking.

I nearly died. In the end, I had to shoot it. You shot the photocopier? I shot my tie. I couldn't reach the scissors. So you got the copies? What? Did you listen to me? I almost died.

Oh, so that's a no. That is the last time I go anywhere near that photocopier. Where are you going? Going to speak to management. If they don't give us an assistant, we won't make it through the day, let alone the month. You keep listening to the tape. Will do. Don't forget to make notes.

And whatever you do, don't shoot the tape. Oh, well do. Don't forget to make notes. And whatever you do, don't shoot the tape recorder. All going to the dogs. There. On your desk, all installed and ready to go. I don't like it. Why not?

What was wrong with the old method? Oh, you mean shouting my name through the door? For one, I felt like your mate, which I am not. And secondly, this makes us look way more professional. Let's try it. I don't know which button to press. There are only two. Exactly. It's confusing. Well, why don't you try the green one? It's confusing. Well, why don't you try the green one? And now what? I speak into it? This is silly.

Hang on. I'll go to the reception first, then you press it. Alvina, can you bring me a cup of cocoa, please? Get it yourself. See? It works perfectly. Why, why, why, why do you have to do this to me, Alvina? We had a perfectly good system. I'm just going to pop down to Kozlovsky. He needs more blue retinas from the fridge. In the meantime, you can practice pressing the button, okay? There aren't any clients for the rest of the day so you have lots of time to befriend the intercom. Befriend the intercom. Ridiculous.

A green button. Alvina, could you bring me some Maltesers, please? Alvina? Hi, it's me. I need a pencil sharpener Alvina? Hi, guess who? Yes, I am...

Well, I was wondering if maybe for lunch you'd like to go with me... Help! Help! Not you again! You have to help us! You have to! Italian gangsters! Really? I preferred cowboys. Tony Di Pasqua is on our tail. You really can't take no for an answer, can you? And may I say, this time your disguise is really our subpar. I recognized you immediately. These are our normal clothes.

My name is Angelo Russo. I'm with the Cosa Nostra and this is my friend Mario Drago. This morning there were two dead fish outside our hotel room. Trout? It was a message from Tony Di Pasqua. It means you'll be sleeping with the fishes. Di Pasqua's got a price on both our heads. We have to disappear. And why should

I believe you this time? You've already lied to me twice. We didn't think you'd help us if you knew who we are. We've done a lot of bad things. Fraud, theft, embezzlement, extortion, kidnapping, arson, assault, grand theft auto... Gentlemen, relax. All we care about is whether you have a story to tell. Now it sounds like you do. So tell me more about Tony DePasqua.

The feud goes back decades. It started in kindergarten. He stole my fire truck. It had a pulled-back motor and an extendable ladder. Nice. Yeah, I loved that truck. I sincerely hope you didn't let him get away with it. Of course not.

When we were at school, I put spiders down his pants. Ha! But Tony retaliated. He waited behind the school with a plate of spaghetti carbonara. And when me and Angelo came around the corner, he throws it in our faces. Ew, yuck! I put a firecracker in his school bag. Tony put a firecracker in Angelo's mailbox.

I put a firecracker in his tiramisu. Tony pees in Angelo's grappa. I take a dump on his first car. At college, Tony fires a rocket into our door. I sneak into his house and feed his piranha a dead horse. A whole horse. The piranha died of obesity. It was hilarious. Then he hacks into my computer and installs fruit porn. Half-pilled bananas, oranges with no skin, mango seeds all streaked of their flesh. It was disgusting.

Vittoria found it and left me right away. Mi amor. That was cruel. That was one step too far. So what did you do? I stole his fire truck. You mean your fire truck? You stole it back?

No. A real one. Tony controls the fire department in Coleon. Well, he's a capo. He controls everything in Coleon. He has this big firetruck which he likes to ride around in when he's doing his collections, waving his machine gun out of the window. We stole the truck and dumped it in Lago Garcia. Now Tony wants to end it for good.

He wants to kill us. Then you have to kill him first. We've tried several times. But he dodges bullets like a mid-jump speed. Now he's chasing us around the globe. We can't shake him off. We tried Mexico, Cuba, Sweden. We arrived in London last week and thought we'd finally shaken him off.

Then this morning, there are two dead fishes outside our hotel room and our guns are missing. We hear a noise down the hall, escape out of the window and come straight here. Well, bravo, gentlemen. I must say you've worked on your delivery. Quite gripping. Almost makes up for the poor disguises. For a moment there, I almost believed you. You still don't believe us? No, sorry. Okay, here. It is trout! Does that prove it? All it proves is that on the way here you stopped off at the fishmongers. I wonder if Alvina could grill these up with a bit of lemon and garlic. Oh, come on. What more proof do you need? Something a little more substantial

than trout. Money in alto! Angelo Russo! Filho de putana! Mangia merda morta! How about that machine gun? That will suffice. Shut up! Hands up, boy! Calm down, calm down, calm down. Please, please. I'm sure we can all discuss this

like adults. Hands up or I'll turn you into a piece of tarp. Now be careful, my boy. I'll have a piece of... Oh, I caught that from a client. Now, first things first. Angelo, you're going to apologize for stealing my firetruck. You stole mine first. And it had a pull-back motor. I know. And an extendable ladder.

Bastardo. Estronzo. What are you doing, huh? Anzo. They're up. They're up. They're up. Now, apologize.

Or else. You die. And if I apologize? You die. I'm gonna count to three. After three, you'll be dripping off the wall like a Bolognese. One. Shoot him!

We don't have our guns. Two. Why don't you keep our gun in the office? I'm not keen on firearms. Why? They're too loud. Two and a half. Oh, mamma mia, maronna, du carmin, we're gonna die.

You shot him. You shot him. You shot him. Yep, I shot him! You shot him! You shot him! Yep, I shot him. You got my message! Message? I tapped SOS on the intercom. So can the intercom stay?

Yes. But I'll only use it in emergencies. We'll see about that. Grazie. You saved our lives. You're welcome. So, should we remove the corpse? This time you take the head. That end is much heavier.

We'll do it. Are you sure? We do this all the time. Are you thinking what I'm thinking? That a cup of cocoa would really calm the nerves. Gentlemen, wait a minute. Would you like a job? What? What?

We'll take care of your case if... Alvina! What are you doing? If you come work for us. What? We desperately need some assistance. Oh, do we? We're in. Great. Welcome to Amelia.

But what about upstairs? I'm making an executive decision. I don't know, Alvina. It's so nice and calm here, just you and me. I'm completely overworked. Well, I suppose I could do with being served cocoa more frequently. Really? Really? And from someone less grumpy. Angelo, I want to test your abilities.

Can you whip me up a large mug of cocoa with vanilla-infused cream, a quadruple serving of melted marshmallows, chocolate sprinkles, cinnamon, a touch of crushed cardamom, maple syrup and a glazed cherry? And I want it in less than two and a half minutes. Can you do that? Here you go, boss. That is the fastest cup of cocoa I've ever been served. It was easy. You took so long talking. It's delicious. You're hired.

In return for your lifelong employment here at Emilia, we'll give you a safe haven and two new identities. I just need one. And Kozlovsky will give you some light plastic surgery. I've always wanted to look like Michael Cera. On second thought, you look scarier the way you do now. I think this calls for a toast. You look scarier the way you do now. I think this calls for a toast. Alvina, could you get the Vouv Clicquot, please? What? What? What? What's with the face?

Uh, sorry. Angelo, would you mind? Not at all, boss. How are we going to die? Let me think. Hmm. Oh, got it. Angelo will be shot by Tony DePasqua. His corpse will be found washed up in Dover next week.

His face will be shot off, but he will be positively identified by his dental records. We can use Tony DePasqua's corpse. He has the same build. And what about me? You'll be caught in a shootout in the Paris suburbs. I know a very violent gang in Val d'Agenté who would love to mutilate a Mario-shaped corpse. a very violent gang in Val d'Agenté who would love to mutilate a Mario-shaped corpse. You'll need new names. How about

Salvatore and Joey? Which one is which? We'll determine that with a tiddlywink tournament. But first, a toast. Cheers! Chin-chin! Anything happened yet? Oh, just an office shootout. Oh.

What? Rewind? Oh, just an office shootout. Oh. What? Rewind? Oh, and they have proper hot beverages and assistance. Ooh, bastards. Thank you. Thanks for listening to this episode of The Amelia Project, and thank you to all our wonderful patrons who make this show possible. Enjoy the show, but not yet a patron? Well, joining us is quick and easy, and you can pledge whatever

you're comfortable with one dollar two dollars five dollars ten dollars twenty dollars a hundred dollars we won't stop you and there are lots of perks to choose from such as early access shout out and bonus content and speaking of shout outs thank you to katie zindela in Vienna. Or rather, vielen Dank, Kati, für deine großzügige Unterstützung. To become a patron, go to patreon.com slash Amelia podcast. That's P-A-T-R-E-O-N dot com slash Amelia podcast to make your pledge. We would be so grateful. And now the credits. This episode was written by Einstein Breger with story editing by Philip Thorne. And now the credits. This episode was written by Einstein Breger with story editing

by Philip Thorne. It was directed by Philip Thorne and Einstein Breger. Music and sound design by Frederick Barden with Eyvind Björn as the violinist. It featured Alan Bergen as the interviewer, Julia C. Thorne as Alvina, Gianluca Jumiento as Joey, Revdeep Singh Bajwa as Salvatore, Benjamin Noble as Agent Haynes, Torgny G. Ondero as Agent Cole, Stanley Kuschik as Tony DiPasca, and Julia Morizawa on the answer phone.

The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded at Torngeber Studio in Vienna and Mitro Studio in Oslo and engineered by Gabriel Geber. All graphic design for the Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen. Check out ameliapodcast.com for more info on the team, links to our Patreon, Amelia Project merchandise and more. And follow us on Twitter at Amelia underscore podcast for the latest Amelia news. See you soon. Joey.

Joey. Wake up. What's up? Keep your eyes open. I have to pee. Ah, ok, ok. And don't fall asleep again. Put down that baseball bat or I'll take the shit out of you! Ah! Bravo, bravo, Mrs Barlow. That was excellent. This is mad.

Joey? Joey? Salvatore, you can leave. Oh, and bring me a cup of coke. Would you like anything, Elizabeth? Can I call you? Yes. No, I don't need it. Joey! Joey! Joey!

Eh? Oh, che succede? You got knocked out. Did I? Joey! Fatti un pesolino. What's going on? You got knocked out. Did I? Joey. I'm taking a leak. The Fable and Falling Network. Where fiction producers flourish. Hey there, we're DM2GM. I'm your DM from Dungeons & Dragons, Russ Moore.

And I'm your GM from The End of Time and Other Bothers, Sean Howard. What we like to do around here is answer the questions that you have about tabletop RPGs and get you started feeling comfortable playing games around your table. We want to share our real experiences, what we've learned, what's been helpful, so that other people can get going. And because a lot of these hurdles are just in their head. So find us every other week wherever you listen to podcasts or visit dm2gm.com.

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