The Amelia Project - Episode 17 - Bartholomew BEEP-face Chucklepants Knucklecracker

Episode Date: August 23, 2019

“At Amelia we’ve always wanted to get into politics.” Episode 17, Season 2. With: Alan Burgon, Felix Trench, Benjamin Noble, Torgny G. Aanderaa, Gemma Arrowsmith and Julia Morizawa. Written by Philip Thorne. Directed by Philip Thorne and Oystein U. Brager. Music and sound design by Fredrik S. Baden. For full credits see our website. This episodes includes a special sneak peak of one of the minisodes normally reserved for our $5+ patrons. If you like it, consider becoming a patron! This episode is brought to you by VAST Horizon. The Amelia Project is an audio fiction series. We recommend starting at the beginning. Congratulations. You’ve reached the content warning. The Amelia Project is about death, mishaps, mayhem and misfortune. And cocoa. If you’re not comfortable with this, stop listening. Now. The Amelia Project is part of the Fable & Folly Network. Find and support our sponsors at: fableandfolly.com/partners Website: ameliapodcast.com Twitter: @amelia_podcast Patreon: patreon.com/ameliapodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Travel better with Air Canada. You can enjoy free beer, wine, and premium snacks in economy class. Now extended to flights within Canada and the U.S. Cheers to taking off this summer. More details at aircanada.com. Your teen requested a ride, but this time, not from you. It's through their Uber Teen account. It's an Uber account that allows your teen to request a ride under your

supervision with live trip tracking and highly rated drivers. Add your teen to your Uber account today. Well, where is everyone? Um, you don't know what's happening today, do you? Or should I?

Operation Crackpot? Oh, shit. That's today, of course. You and I are basically the only people left in the building. By the way, you're late. I know, I know. I had to patch things up with Jenny. I'm so tired. Yeah, I've been sorting through some tapes. Thought we should listen to some of the more recent ones.

You know, work back. This one's from last week. Oh. There's no name. I know. Their filing system's a mess. Some have dates and no names. Others have names but no dates.

It's a shambles. Yeah. Oh. Still not getting much sleep, huh? More nightmares? Nah, it's not that. I was up all night arguing with Jenny. What was it this time? You know how two weeks ago I forgot our anniversary?

Yeah, I remember. So I wanted to make it up to her by cooking her a surprise dinner. Oh, what did you make? Prawn curry. Good? I thought so. She didn't?

I think she didn't mind the taste. But? Prawns were off. Oh. Yeah, I got it out of my system quick, but she got it rough. Basically been in the loo all night. Damn. Still in there now.

Well, if you need to go home and... No, no, I'm far better off here. You sure? Jenny's supposed to go on a business trip to Rio de Janeiro today. She's been looking forward to it for months. Now she's hugging the toilet instead. She's livid. There's no your fault, though, right?

I mean, the prawns were on sale. But you don't expect them to go bad two days after the sell-by date, right? Right. Right. Let's get cracking with this no-name interview. I'll take my mind off things. Yeah, good idea. Good to go.

Play. Play. Congratulations. You've reached the Amelia Project. This phone call isn't happening. If you're not serious about this, hang up. Now. You sure about this? If you hesitated, do not proceed. Still there? If you continue, there's no way back.

The choice is yours. Good choice. A new life awaits. You'll hear back from us within the hour. If you do not hear back, please consider the whole thing a hoax. Leave your message after the beep. Thank you. The Amelia Project. Created by Philip Thorne and Oistein Braga. With music and sound design by Frederick Barden.

Episode 17. Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker. Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker. Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker? Yes. Hell of a name to squeeze onto your tax return. I just put Tim Smith. That's your real name? Yes.

Right. How does Tim Smith become Bartholomew Fuckface Chocopants Knucklecracker? You need a silly name to progress in the party. I'm sorry? They just call me Chocopants for short. I don't understand, Chocopants. What party? Oh. The funky, fancy, fatuous, fishy, fizzy, flashy, flirtatious, frolicking, freewheeling, farting, facile, far-score, far-fetched,

feeble-minded, feather-brained, faddish, facetious, funniest, fuck-party. Sorry, I thought you knew. No, I don't. Should I? We do have a general election on at the moment. I'm intrigued. Do you have any campaign literature on you? Our name doesn't fit on leaflets. Haven't you considered making it snappier? It's the FFFFFFFFFFFFFP, for short.

So what does the FFFFFFFFFFFP stand for? You've forgotten F. Sorry? You said FFFFF-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F- that was obvious. No, not really. The funky, fancy, fattrous, fishy, fizzy... No, not the name. The party. What's your ideology? Better weather. Better Christmas presents. Repealing the laws of gravity. Replacing the Church of England with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

And introducing sand as legal tender. Well, tickle my nipple and call me fickle. That sounds right up my street. Can I become a member? Your dear. Oh. What? We consider everyone a member unless they've declared otherwise. Great. How do I rise through the party ranks?

First you choose a silly name. Okay. In that case, I'll be Dedrick Damnit Dipshit Doofus Douchebag Defeffle the Dandy. What's next? If you want to stand for local election, you're going to have to win a fight with swords of rolled up newspaper. I'd better get practicing. Here. You want to fight me? Yes. One, two, three,

go! That's it, that's it. Fingers, fingers, fingers. Ah, okay. Let me show you a little something I learned from someone who will remain nameless. Oh, very good! That's what happens. Leaving your leg open, aren't you?

Cut, John. Cut, John. Ow, ow, ow. Legs more than this. Cut and double. I didn't know that legs were in the game. It's the target. Everything's the target. Not the shoes, though. Not the shoes. Not the shoes, sir.

Not the shoes. Never the shoes. OK. Gotcha, you scoundrel. OK. Not again. Stop. Stop, stop, stop. I surrender. I surrender.

You're good. You must be right up there in the hierarchy. I'm part of the leader. Really? Wow, I surrender, I surrender. You're good. You must be right up there in the hierarchy. I'm party leader. Really? Wow, I had no idea. It's an honour to meet you, Chocopants. At Emilio, we've always wanted to get into politics. Really?

You sound surprised. I just don't seem very informed about current affairs. Oi, what's that supposed to mean? Well, you didn't know who I was for a start. I really don't think... You've received a lot of coverage this election. You haven't come across the Armadillo anarchists. I have been seeing rather a lot of Armadillo masks lately.

So that's something to do with you. Yeah. We got hundreds of people to parade through London in armadillo costumes, chanting, Down with common sense! Perhaps I have heard of you. Were you the ones behind the eating strike? Yes. The images were pretty disgusting. Meatloaf for breakfast, deep-fried cheesecakes for lunch, 150-ounce steaks for dinner.

All washed down with peanut butter milkshakes. Parliament Green was drenched with vomit. It's powerful stuff. Eventually the government caved into our demands. Oh, what were your demands? More bread for the ducks in St. James's Park. Okay, I admit I haven't been paying much attention to the news lately. That's partly because I'm in this office all day and partly because the whole system turns me off. You're not the only one. I mean, this election is a total joke. The posturing and posing, the ridiculous promises

that can never be fulfilled, it's a complete farce. Farcical. That's the 12th F in FFFFFFFFFFP. Right. You own up to the farcical nature of politics. That's what it's all about, right? You're holding a mirror to the system and exposing it as an empty sham. Not really. My wife just wanted me to get out of the house more. I looked at the local activities on our phone.

It was either this or Badminton. But why did you choose the party? I wanted to do theatre, really. But I get stage fright and I'm terrible at learning lines, so I chose the FFFFFFFFFFPP. You still get to dress up. The parades and processions are less exposing than plays. But you're the party leader.

That wasn't intentional. You just accidentally swashbuckled your way to the top? Don't be silly. The party leader isn't chosen by newspaper baton fight. No? How was the leader chosen? Sleeping lions. Sleeping lions?

You know, the game. Everyone lies totally still on the floor, and anyone who moves gets eliminated. Well, you must have stayed very still. I was tired. I fell asleep. Oh. When I woke up, I was party leader. That must have been a surprise. It was a shock.

You didn't want to become leader? No, no, not really. So why did you accept? FFFFPS procedures are very strict. You can'tF-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F-F- Your mom hates it when you leave six half-full glasses on your nightstand It's a good thing mom lives on the other side of the country And it's an even better thing that you can get six IKEA 365 plus glasses for just $9.99 So go ahead, you can afford to hoard because IKEA is priced for student life Shop everything you need for back to school at IKEA today Why do you want to disappear, chuckle pants?

I don't want to disappear, ChocoPants? Because I don't want to be Prime Minister. I can tell you with 100% certainty there's not a cat in hell's chance of that happening. Switch on the radio. What? Switch on the radio. But? Switch on the radio. But... Just do it. What station?

It should be on pretty much anywhere. Some of the offshore accounts likely to be exposed in the coming days. The revelations have sparked protests across the country, with an estimated 900,000 protesters marching to London's Parliament Square, demanding an immediate investigation into both the government and the opposition. There is fear across the political establishment, but the all-consuming nature of the expensive scandal and the anti-politician feeling it has unleashed will hit MPs of all parties. A snap poll conducted by YouGov indicated that in Thursday's general election, five

out of ten voters intend to abstain or spoil their ballots. The Prime Minister fled Number 10 via a back exit and was seen driving away in a red Opel Astra. The car was found abandoned on the fringes of Gwydir Forest, and North Wales police believe she is hiding up Mount Snowdon. Back at Westminster, the leader of the opposition called for cool heads to prevail before having a panic attack and being taken to St. Thomas' Hospital. The only party gaining rapid momentum in these extraordinary times is the funky, fancy, factuous, fishy, fizzy, flashy, flirtatious, frolicking, freewheeling, farting, facile, farcical, far-fetched, feeble-minded, feather-brained, faddish, facetious, funny-as-f*** party,

also known as the Armadillo Movement. funny as f*** party, also known as the Armadillo movement. The S-S-S-S-S movement has hit a nerve with an electorate eager to send a strong message to westminster politicians the rise of the ffff has sent shockwaves through the stock market with sterling currently trading one-to-one with the Vietnamese Dong. Well, lock me in chains and blow my brains. What do I do? Go for it. Are you insane? This is going to be hilarious. For a day or two, yes, but then what when I have to deal with the refugee crisis, diplomatic fallout with

Russia, the collapse of the economy? My God, man, improvise. What? You'll be great. I don't know the first thing about politics. I'm rooting for you. Shit! Should have taken up badminton. I've got an idea. Yes?

You seem keen. Let's swap places. What? I'm serious. You do it. You know you want to. It's a generous offer, Chucklepants. But, tempting as the prospect of running the country may be Unfortunately, my contract with Amelia stipulates that I have to lie low Why? What have you done?

We're not talking about me, we're talking about you I've had my time in the limelight My new life belongs to Amelia Don't you get bored? I fight it with Coco and stories. Does that work? It's working today. I'm not going to be prime minister just because you find it amusing.

Oh, yes, you are. No way. You have no choice. You have to. Why? It's my condition for helping you. What? So you are going to help me? Yes.

After your first three days in office. Two days? Three days. Two and a half? Deal. Fuck. Here are some things that I want you to do in the first days. You will change the voting age to include only those under the age of 18.

You will make homosexuality mandatory for one-third of the population. Benefits will be dependent upon the claimant having watched all nine seasons of Seinfeld, as well as the Curb Your Enthusiasm special. You will nominate an armadillo as Home Secretary, an alpaca as Chancellor, and an alligator as Minister of Defense. When you receive congratulatory calls from world leaders, you will respond in a mock imitation of their language. You will inform the French President of your plans to move the Eiffel Tower to Leeds in an attempt to boost tourism in the north of England.

You're loving this, aren't you? I haven't had this much fun since we made three airplanes and a search party disappear in the Bermuda Triangle. Strange hobby you've got. Can't you just take up chess or something? Hey, you're the one who became leader of a political party to pass the time. How do I disappear? During Prime Minister's questions.

Seriously? There'll be a lot of people. That's the point. We need witnesses. What'll happen? Oh, nothing much. You'll just be abducted by Martians. Sorry? An aircraft will land on Houses of Parliament. A dozen or so men with green face paint will get out, burst into the House of Commons and abduct you.

We'll fly you straight to a quiet little island in the South Pacific where you can start your new life. Isn't that a bit silly? No, it's unbelievably silly. And it will be the perfect crowning to a surreal week. Oh, normally I'd offer you champagne at this point, but to be honest, we've got to get cracking. No time to lose. You've got to get yourself to Trafalgar Square ASAP to address the crowd. Oh, hold on.

Give them a riotous, rabble-rousing knuckle-cracker of a performance. You can take Joey and Salvatore as bodyguards. Oh, no. You'll be terrific. I'll be in the front row wearing an armadillo mask, cheering you on. I'm going to get Alvina to book you on to Newsnight. We need to turn our van into a campaign bus and tour the country. Amelia's going to throw all its resources behind you.

But don't just sit there. We have an election to win. I'm coming. Haynes, you know what this means? Oh, Jesus. What's the time? It's 12.45. Oh, my God, it's planned for one.

Do you think we can still call it off? We have to try. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You get Frank on the line. Okay. Where's the number? There it is. Okay, okay.

Okay, calling. Come on. Oh, shit. What? He's already switched his phone off. Get Douglas. Okay, call him Come on Oh shit What? He's already switched his phone off Oh god Get Douglas Douglas, good idea

Oh come on, come on, come on Pick up Pick up Doug Thank god Abort mission crackpot I repeat Abort mission crackpot. I repeat, abort mission crackpot. Yes, I'm serious. We don't have to get blood on our hands. This will be resolved another way.

How? Well, just trust me on this one, OK? By tomorrow afternoon, he'll have disappeared of his own accord. You'll see. Today, we have a special treat for you. As you know, we rely on our patrons to make this show. And as a $5 patron, you get little mini-sodes to accompany each regular episode. Well, today, as a one-off, we've decided to release this week's mini-sode for everyone.

We hope you'll like it, and we hope you will consider supporting us on Patreon so we can keep making this show and pay our team what they deserve. You can support us on patreon.com slash Amelia podcast that's p-a-t-r-e-o-n dot com slash Amelia podcast. Minisode coming up but first the credits. This episode was written and edited by philip thorne it was directed by philip thorne and eistein brager with music and sound design by frederick barden it featured alan bergen as the interviewer felix trench as bartholomew fuckface chucklepants knucklecracker benjamin noble as agent haynes torgani g ondero as Agent Cole, Gemma Arrowsmith as the newsreader, and Julia Morizawa on the answerphone. The episode was produced by Imploding Fictions. It was recorded

at the Bridge Writing Studio in London and Spike City Studio in Oslo, and engineered by Sam Harper and Robert Rustad Amundsen. All graphic design for the Amelia Project is by Anders Pedersen. To keep up to date with the Amelia Project, follow us on Twitter where we're at Amelia underscore podcast. And we will be posting a video of Alan and Felix swashbuckling with swords of rolled up newspaper. Oh yes. A special Coco slurping thank you to

Kati Zindela for your support. Right, time for the mini-sode and for our $5 patrons fear not, you will still be getting something else that's exclusively for you but we won't reveal what here as Amelia is all about the secrets. Come in.

Alvina, it's scrabble time. Oh. I've beaten you five days in a row. Shall we make it an even six? Not tonight. What? I've got all last month's receipts to go through. Speaking of which, I'm still missing some for the Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants Knucklecracker disappearance.

Which disappearance? The Bartholomew Fuckface... Oh, ha ha. I love hearing you say that. I've got the receipts for the campaign expenditure. Flyers, posters, Facebook ads, armadillo masks, kitting out the van as a campaign bus. But what about the receipts for the victory party? All those crates of verve cliquot?

Ah, good times. Ah, I think Joey might still have them. What? No. No, no, no. Actually, where is Joey? I haven't seen him for ages. He's around. He's around. Is something going on? What? No. What would ever give you that idea? Where's Joey?

In the basement with Kozlovsky. What? But he hates going down there. I'll tell him to give you those receipts next time I see him. No, I need them now. I'll go down to the basement. No, you can't disturb Kozlovsky. He's mocking up the corpse for the Barkley disappearance. Oh, shit. Kozlovsky,

quick, put Joey in a cupboard. Throw a rug over him. Hide him in the freezer. Alvina mustn't see him. Yes, she's on her way down right now. Ah, did she just come in? Koslovsky, have you hidden Joey? What's that? Is she angry?

Oh, she's angry, isn't she? Koslovsky, what's that noise? Was that the door? Koslovsky, talk to me. What's happening? I demand to know, Koslovsky. I demand that noise? Was that the door? Koslowski, talk to me. What's happening? I demand to know, Koslowski. I demand that you answer me right now. Why is Joey green?

Hmm? You heard me. Why is Joey green? Oh, um, it's, uh, Martian paint. Martian paint? Mm-hmm. He was one of the Martians abducting Bartholomew Fuckface Chucklepants- That was nearly a week ago! Why is he still green? We might have used a paint which wasn't originally meant for people. What?

Did you get the receipts off him? What kind of paint did you use? In my defense, the metallic shine did make him look very authentic. Metallic? Yes. Salvatore spray-painted him. But don't worry, it's all under control. That could kill him!

Well yes, we know that now, but... His skin needs to breathe! Which is why Kozlovsky has attached those oxygen masks to his feet. Didn't you see them? Unbelievable! Alvina, the soles of his feet. Didn't you see them? Unbelievable! Alvina, the soles of his feet are breathing just fine. We need to get that paint off him, right now. Kozlovsky is working on it. He's tried every trick in the book.

It's been a week! The first attempt with paint stripper didn't work so well, but Kozlovsky has grafted new skin onto Joey's left knee. What? In a few weeks, all his skin will have fallen off by itself, so there's really nothing to worry about. Your skin completely regenerates every 27 days. Besides, Kozlovsky says that if he's not dead by now, he's very likely to make it right through to the... Oh,

well, that's so comforting. He's getting better, Alvina. You should have seen him just a few days ago. I mean, he was so green. Did we even make a profit from this case? I mean, after the election campaign and the spaceship and trying to save a green employee's life, did we actually even... £2.43p. When did you work that out? Just an estimate from looking at the receipts on the desk and adding two dozen crates of champagne. We sold a lot of armadillo masks. That was a good source of income. Tch. So all that for a surplus of two pounds

and... A deficit. A deficit of two pounds and 43p. Approximately. But it was so much fun. Yes. Hilarious. Sure I can't tempt you with some scrab fun. Yes. Hilarious. Sure I can't tempt you with some scrabble. Out.

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